http://search.deviantart.com/?q=by:Anathema6205&section=today deviantART RSS for by:Anathema6205 en-us Copyright 2009, deviantART.com Tue, 22 Dec 2009 17:43:53 PST deviantART.com http://blogs.law.harvard.edu/tech/rss http://s.deviantart.com/minish/widgets/apple-touch-icon-precomposed.png http://Anathema6205.deviantart.com/journal/22442940/ http://Anathema6205.deviantart.com/journal/22442940/ Tue, 06 Jan 2009 21:19:42 PST cheers everyone.

]]> ~Anathema6205 http://Anathema6205.deviantart.com/journal/22138349/ http://Anathema6205.deviantart.com/journal/22138349/ Tue, 23 Dec 2008 09:53:59 PST hope everyones' doing alright and having some decent holiday time off. ^^

i have a question for all of you regarding my stillborne series.
ive gotten varied reactions to this style,
and im wondering if i should try to improve on this style and keep it,
or if i should change it drastically.

i love the pen.
i love hatching and crosshatching.
but what i have now...it doesnt seem to be enough.
and im afraid i still feel an attachment to this style of drawing.
when i pick up a pen to draw, this style comes out automatically.
but i just dont know if it is successfully my style or just a bad rip off
of gris grimly and jhonen vasquez.
i want honest criticism.
not only artistically, but on content as well.
ever since i started this project, my art has changed alot.
and its the content of these that has made it change.
so yes.
theres my dilemma.

]]> ~Anathema6205 http://Anathema6205.deviantart.com/journal/20802106/ http://Anathema6205.deviantart.com/journal/20802106/ Mon, 05 Jan 2009 20:40:59 PST wanted to let you guys know I'm starting a new account.
For the sake of leaving the past where it should be.
In the past.

Since I joined back in 2005, too much has changed.
I am not the same artist.
I'm not the same person.

I think it's only fair to start again.

And of course, my current watchers are more than welcome to watch my new account.

[link]

Thanks, as always, for putting up with my trivial shit.

]]> ~Anathema6205 http://Anathema6205.deviantart.com/journal/20755314/ http://Anathema6205.deviantart.com/journal/20755314/ Tue, 30 Sep 2008 07:47:12 PDT havent updated in a bit.
once i get my picture taking device working,
you will see some sculpture action. and some normal arts.
i havent been completely complacent.

eesh. working with plastiline clay makes me want to pass out.
the smell is unbearable.
but i managed to carve out a few small figures.
tis really fun once your nose falls off.

i think im getting hooked on figurines.
bought me an awesome spawn figure the other day-
I have to say, it makes me want to move away from pencils and pens.
at least for a bit.

adieu.
the smelly clay calls.

]]> ~Anathema6205 http://Anathema6205.deviantart.com/journal/20321762/ http://Anathema6205.deviantart.com/journal/20321762/ Thu, 04 Sep 2008 09:58:22 PDT
...You gave so much, and took even more when you left...
It will be five years now, since you died.

...I am eternally sorry.
Please forgive me.

]]> ~Anathema6205 http://Anathema6205.deviantart.com/journal/19568468/ http://Anathema6205.deviantart.com/journal/19568468/ Thu, 24 Jul 2008 07:47:33 PDT Dark Knight.
One of the most beautiful movies I've ever seen.
Absolutely incredible.
I seriously don't think I've geeked out over a movie this badly since The Crow.

Now the plot/storyline is amazing, has depth and cleverness to it, the dark knight himself is pretty cool-he actually has some visible internal conflicts now; not such a static character anymore.
But what really got me was the Joker.

Yeah.
The Joker.

Not just Heath Ledgers' genius in portraying our favorite jester, but the depth and truth in his deranged thought processes.

He was exactly how I imagined the character should be- extremely intelligent, twisted and shocking, and completely and utterly unpredictable; off the wall.

I mean, come on.
Who else could match the batman?

I loved how they emphasized that the joker was NOT like other criminals; everything he did was about the message- making a point.
...The most dangerous kind of criminal, dont you think?

Hehhe- nobody else could laugh hysterically as the batman beat them into a wall.

Ah yes, truly genius.
I give my total respect to Heath Ledger and everyone who put together the Jokers' persona here to match the comic.
Truly beautiful.

I wont ruin the movie for those of you who havent gotten off their asses to see it.
But!

You will see a tribute real soon.

In other news.
Disturbed, Slipknot and Dragonforce.
Fuck Yeah.
...*passes out*

Adieu.

]]> ~Anathema6205 http://Anathema6205.deviantart.com/journal/19142217/ http://Anathema6205.deviantart.com/journal/19142217/ Tue, 01 Jul 2008 08:12:14 PDT I'm not finished.
I won't stop.
I don't really care how long it takes...
I don't care about the past.

I want what I want.
No one will change that.

I'm going to keep drawing.
Keep improving what I've learned.
It won't be in vain, I don't care what they slam into my head.

I want things to change from here.
And it's going to happen.

..I can't recede from this...I know I'll never return if I do.

...I'm done letting my life pass me by.



...I want to live.

]]> ~Anathema6205 http://Anathema6205.deviantart.com/journal/18991814/ http://Anathema6205.deviantart.com/journal/18991814/ Sun, 22 Jun 2008 22:30:24 PDT Who can deny such a cruel and callous society?

When you hit a brick wall, you stop.
Don''t bother pounding your fists- it will only break your bones.
It will only prove in vain.

Fight for what you want until it gets hard.
Then tuck tail and run.
Settle for the nothing around you, because that's what they give you.

Discard everything you love and believe to scrape by in a society where the dollar bill means everything.
Live comfortably knowing you never were yourself.
Live a long and comfortable life in the middle-class knowing you might have been something incredible...but were too afraid of failing to try.
Because you were afraid of what they would do.
Listen to those fuckers who would dare to put a price tag on a living, feeling human being. A soul.
Listen to those people who have the fucking guts to vainly classify people and put their feelings and emotions and beliefs in a computer bank and put their brains in jars.
Listen to those soulless beasts who would dare separate people into classes and different degrees of worth and beauty...
Sever the purpose from your life- make you conform to their bullshit system.
You can't have it your way.
You.
Live.
To SERVE.

Push your ideals aside- forget what you feel.
Compromise your beliefs.
Because this is the cruel truth-
we are not meant to be anything.
We are the forgotten.
WE are the drones.
WE. WE are unimportant.
WE are disposable.
Life has no value anymore.
Did it ever???

Hope is not meant.
A future.
Our future.
Is REGRET.

Reality is this-
life sucks.
then you die.

nobody is ever happy.
no one.
is free.
never be.
NEVER.

What a cold outlook.
Well, isnt it pathetic...
Lets just get this over with.

...Are you listening, fucker?
You hear that, red scarf?
You win.

So shut the fuck up already and leave me be.

Leave me be.

]]> ~Anathema6205 http://Anathema6205.deviantart.com/journal/18483882/ http://Anathema6205.deviantart.com/journal/18483882/ Sat, 24 May 2008 18:43:31 PDT "Amuse myself with pots of paint,
Produce the demons within us."

]]> ~Anathema6205 http://Anathema6205.deviantart.com/journal/18456912/ http://Anathema6205.deviantart.com/journal/18456912/ Fri, 23 May 2008 01:59:22 PDT Who I was.
How others might see me, judging me by how I act, what I get accomplished.

(by the way- this is me thinking things out. I've really had quite the epiphany. So this is going somewhere sometime in this era)

I admit...it's not always something to be proud of...
I regret that I couldn't show others who I really was, what I can do.
It gets hard to keep the optimism.
It gets hard to keep fighting 24/7.
It seems stupid to always be the shoulder to cry on.
To be the one with kindness and hope, tacky and cliche as that is, to offer.

Hahhaha...but I've always wanted it hard.
Really.
Now isn't that stupid?
I. Love. A challenge.
It could be the dumbest fucking thing on the planet, and I will argue the point.
I will fight you for it.

Here's a good example.
All my life, I purposefully slack on pretty much everything- just so it'll be worth doing later.
School, I get mediocre grades.
Private school, yes.
I got just under honor roll.

Public school, I got just enough to keep everybody quiet.
Going into honor classes to keep me in school- because it was so damn depressing and dull.

Work, I do just enough to keep the bosses quiet.

Doesn't that sound lazy?

But wait- here's where it turns around.

Private school...I never even tried.
I was too busy trying to keep myself in check.
Everyday, I hated the people I was around.
I couldn't take all that deception and prejudice and hatred.
No, I went to school and did homework because there was nothing else to run to.
I was on several basketball teams-those...I put everything into.
My rage was let loose, and I was quickly known as the toughest one on the team.
I was one of the quietest, one of the smallest. But I could hold my ground with the best.
..And all because of that anger that fueled me.
The love of a challenge.
To put everything you have into something.

I bring up basketball...yes...something odd. Something trivial. But ultimately, if life hadn't thrown me a curve ball or two, I probably would have ended up playing professional. I was offered a scholarship and a reserved place on the team of a college team.
...I wouldn't have become an artist.

...Some things really change people, and the way things are perceived.

Where was I.
Blasted memories get in the way of this.
My school. My mediocre grades was all because I didn't care.
It was unimportant to me.
There was no challenge in it unless I put it there myself.
Unless I made it a game.
And I don't like games.

In basketball, you were playing with everything you had- running as fast as you can, until you felt like your heart would burst. Until you breathed your own sweat.
your team...you had to work as one.
If just one person thought of themselves...of their own glory...everyone would lose.
In a good team, which I've been in a few, everyone thought as one, working perfectly and magnificently in time with each other- like it was all choreagraphed.

The raw edge it took to want to stay in the game after your face was crushed into the court...to push yourself. To ignore the broken leg. The bleeding and the abrasions and the bruises.
To get up and keep playing even after your mouth was busted open- to go home after, and say, holy shit that was fucking fun.
Then pass out from exhaustion...
hahha.
That.
To know that you're going past what your body can take and you're really just pushing yourself with sheer willpower.
...And it means something.
You're going somewhere.
Because your everything that you put into it...is incredible.
It was something that somebody needed and wanted.

...*sigh* The game...was freedom.
The freedom to be myself, and be the best at what I do.

...But I've always been...out of place.
After he died, my introverted ways were noticed alot more.
I didn't try to conceal anything after.
I wasn't accepted on the high school team because I wasn't like the rest of them.
My bridges were burned for a college team when we moved.
But I didn't want to give up the game...
But they wouldn't accept me.
So I never played.

I took to drawing alot. notebooks full of sketches and doodles. Writing. I bought two guitars.
I carried my electric nearly all the time.
Played in class on my desk.
Really...I was quite lost to anyone.
Music became my one and only savior.
Because I couldn't see what purpose was left.
How anything good can exist when there was so... ]]> ~Anathema6205 http://Anathema6205.deviantart.com/journal/18388235/ http://Anathema6205.deviantart.com/journal/18388235/ Sun, 18 May 2008 18:32:06 PDT you looked so catatonic, ya knew it was wrong
destructive, tainted, heated words scraped off your tongue
singing wholly sinful song

If you feel the same way, and you want to go to heaven for the first time...
one more time

You wanna know the reason why I am the way I am
you wanna hear the truth the love the way that only I can tell
you wanna hear a song that moves and hangs inside of you
you wanna feel and see the magic that only I can sell

I'm gonna plug it in, turn it up, settle in
and turn the self indulgent matrons over belly up
I'm gonna find a way to touch you...
and blow away the hate for you to hear this fallen angel's song

You wanna know the reason why I am the way I am
you wanna hear the truth the love the way that only I can tell
you wanna hear a song that moves and hangs inside of you
you wanna feel and see the magic that only I can sell

My dear friends out there, standing atop the mountain
did you find your faith in God
when you found that you were buried at the bottom?

You wanna know the reason why I am the way I am
you wanna hear the truth the love the way that only I can tell
you wanna hear a song that moves and hangs inside of you
you wanna feel and see the magic that only I can sell...

Earshot

I'm not done yet.
Here is where things change.
Over and over and over again.
This will not stay the way it has been.
I'll never stop fighting for change.
For something new and bold.
For a fucking idea.
Never.

]]> ~Anathema6205 http://Anathema6205.deviantart.com/journal/18374508/ http://Anathema6205.deviantart.com/journal/18374508/ Sat, 17 May 2008 22:37:03 PDT but dont go and tell me how i should lead my life.
i am so fucking tired of people telling me that life should be dull and lifeless.
that all we should do is follow meaningless rules and not to question the intelligence of the people making them.
to question the rhyme and reason behind why they could possibly be making us do such things.
not to have a fucking brain of my own.
i am so tired of this shit.

that my "opinion" is unimportant.
that i shouldnt say anything and just do what i'm told.

if not for what i believe in, what in fucks name am i doing this for?!?!?

i am who i am.
no one was the cause of this.
no one made me like this.
no one can take responsibility or praise or curses up for the way i am.
except for me.
i.
make who i am.
nobody fucking else.

im not a fucking appendage of a family tree to be reflected on heritage and upbringing.
ive severed myself from that shit a long time ago.

i decide what is moral and immoral.
i lead my life according to this.

i cant believe im still doing this.

im shutting the fuck up.

]]> ~Anathema6205 http://Anathema6205.deviantart.com/journal/18204546/ http://Anathema6205.deviantart.com/journal/18204546/ Tue, 06 May 2008 22:06:32 PDT I'm so tired, my mind is on the brink
I wonder should I get up and fix myself a drink
No,no,no.

I'm so tired I don't know what to do
I'm so tired my mind is set on you
I wonder should I call you but I know what you'd do

You'd say I'm putting you on
But it's no joke, it's doing me harm
You know I can't sleep, I can't stop my brain
You know it's three weeks, I'm going insane
You know I'd give you everything I've got
for a little peace of mind

I'm so tired, I'm feeling so upset
Although I'm so tired
I'll have another cigarette
And curse Sir Walter Raleigh
He was such a stupid get

You'd say I'm putting you on
But it's no joke, it's doing me harm
You know I can't sleep, I can't stop my brain
You know it's three weeks, I'm going insane
You know I'd give you everything I've got
For a little peace of mind
Give you everything I've got
For a little peace of mind
Give you everything I've got
For a little peace of mind

The Beatles


...Exhausted but hopeful.
Wish me luck and hope for a miracle.
Countdown has begun.

]]> ~Anathema6205 http://Anathema6205.deviantart.com/journal/17972238/ http://Anathema6205.deviantart.com/journal/17972238/ Tue, 22 Apr 2008 08:02:03 PDT Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise

Blackbird fly, Blackbird fly
Into the light of the dark black night.

Black bird singing in the dead of night
Take these sunken eyes and learn to see
all your life
you were only waiting for this moment to be free

Blackbird fly, Blackbird fly
Into the light of the dark black night.

Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise,oh
You were only waiting for this moment to arise, oh
You were only waiting for this moment to arise

the Beatles

I can't understand why things are so damned hard.
i think its just me sometimes.
that maybe im the one thats not as smart or as strong as everybody else to cope with the hardships in life.
that im the one tripping at the finish line because i lose my way.

Ive been going to college now, paying for it all on my own for years now.
Im halfway through.
Now life has come to reap its vengeance, just to balance things out.
Recently, i've actually seen my sky turn blue instead of black and purple.
i dont see them as i used to, tormenting me as they did.

I've been happy.

Ever since that whole shitwad from me not having a job, ive given 120% of my energy to my work, coming home exhausted, not even wanting to eat. just go to bed.
on top of that, ive been trying to plug away at school, trying to keep up with homework and class without falling on my face in the middle of a lecture.
Its been working, ive been getting more sleep than i used to.

so up until last night, my life has slowly been piecing itself back together.
dare i say depression was a thing of the past??
ust something to shudder at when i recall my high school years and say its done and over?

up until last night, things were going slow, but...going.
im going to school, going to work.
I have a hint of a life outside of this every once in a blue moon.
i get to go see some friends, ill go to a concert.
but. back to last night.

I found out im probably not going to school anymore.
Money issues, you see.
Someone my age and with my income shouldnt be going to a private college apparently.
So the way i figure, i doubt ill be able to go back for awhile.
Hell, i doubt ill be able to pay for anything.

Everything's trying to get me really depressed.
all this bullshit about money.
like its actually a huge problem.
like its something to live for.

nobody thinks much of artists, at least not where i live.
though i think its a decent living, a good trade, wherever you go.
its just getting there thats the hard part.

...
what can i do, but keep working.
what can i do.
i think they thought i would get depressed and start crying or something once they said im not going to school anymore.
ill probably get a second job. not that itll help much.

should i feel anything?
i still havent felt a damned thing.
the thought of being flat ass broke, even no place to stay.
it wouldnt be a problem to save up money for some place if i didnt owe so much to my school.
but should i be feeling frantic and depressed?
i know i should be.
I just kept thinking that they should add another rock to the load.
and another.
and another.

ah well, ya know?
does it matter.
from the beginning, my financial situation has been down the shitter.
lol, seriously, what the fuck more can they do to me.

but people like to drag their anger out on me.
so go the fuck ahead.
see if i care.
do it.
they want to see me gone, ill disappear faster than you think.

so a change is coming, dunno how soon.

maybe ill find a way out of this again.

who knows.
id like to think that theres always a way out.
just keep going.

dont you think?

]]> ~Anathema6205 http://Anathema6205.deviantart.com/journal/17772616/ http://Anathema6205.deviantart.com/journal/17772616/ Wed, 09 Apr 2008 23:15:03 PDT Pushing all the mercy down, down, down
I wanna see you try to take a swing at me
Come on, gonna put you on the ground, ground, ground

Why are you trying to make fun of me?
You think it's funny?
What the fuck you think it's doing to me?
You take your turn lashing out at me
I want you crying with your dirty ass in front of me

All of my hate cannot be bound (hate cannot be bound)
I will not be drowned (i will not be drowned)
by your thoughtless scheming
So you can try to tear me down (try to tear me down)
Beat me to the ground (beat me to the ground)
I will see you screaming

Thumbing through the pages of my fantasies
I'm above you, smiling as you, drown, drown, drown
I wanna kill and rape you the way you raped me
And I'll pull the trigger
And you're down, down, down

Why are you trying to make fun of me?
You think it's funny?
What the fuck you think it's doing to me?
You take your turn lashing out at me
I want you crying with your dirty ass in front of me

All of my hate cannot be bound (hate cannot be bound)
I will not be drowned (i will not be drowned)
by your thoughtless scheming
So you can try to tear me down (try to tear me down)
Beat me to the ground (beat me to the gorund)
I will see you screaming

All my friends are gone, they died (gonna take you down)
They all screamed, and cried (gonna take you down)

I never forget
Never forget
I can't get no where,
I never forget
Never forget
I can't getttt...
Gonna take you down!!!

All of my hate cannot be bound (hate cannot be bound)
I will not be drowned by (i will not be drowned)
your thoughtless scheming
So you can try to tear me down (try to tear me down)
Beat me to the ground (beat me to the ground)
I will see you screaming
All of my hate cannot be bound (hate cannnot be bound)
I will not be drowned (I will not be drowned)
by your thoughtless scheming
So you can try to tear me down (try to tear me down)
Beat me to the ground (beat me to the ground)
I will see you screaming

KoRn


people start to scream monster when they get to know me.
i revel in your anger.
the feeling i get from your rage is so profoundly satisfying.
strike me.
ill come back with a smile, coaxing another from you.
dont you understand, pain is only exhilerating.
so do it.
beat me down.

if only i could throw it back.
if only i could spit back this rage.
what you feel is nothing compared to what ive kept inside.
absolutely nothing.
if only i could give in to that monster in me.
let him loose.
hes behind everything.

ah, but that violence can be intoxicating.
its so hard to be good.
its so hard to go straight when the people youre fighting are crooked as all hell.

its alright.
no fear, no regrets, and no going back.




"I am painting pictures which make me die for joy, I am creating with an absolute naturalness, without the slightest aesthetic concern, I am making things that inspire me with a profound emotion and I am trying to paint them honestly."

]]> ~Anathema6205 http://Anathema6205.deviantart.com/journal/17476614/ http://Anathema6205.deviantart.com/journal/17476614/ Sun, 23 Mar 2008 14:37:59 PDT just got back from horton hears a who.
one thing to say.
OMG.
*dances about*
the best movie on the planet right now.
i dont think ive ever laughed so much at a movie-
and the dr seussniss was a digital masterpiece.
the trees were furry!!!
*points emphatically*
oh it was amazing.
all the characters were so accurate to the chars in the original.
so true to what seuss depicted.
but the best part of this, aside from jim carrey being the total idiot that he is, and the total random seussalicious creations, the political story behind it was incredible.
theres alot of things i saw in it that confronted things that are wrong in our society today.
beautifully put-all cartoonish blatantly obvious poking fun at the people in charge kind of humor.
just like mr geisels' old comic strips.
it was beautiful.

that and jojo.
they embellished on the story beautifully.
lets just say that jojo
rocked.

i couldnt help a gleeful chuckle when you really saw how jojo was.


"horton is a threat to society! hes making the children use their imaginations!! this makes them think! This will cause...ANARCHY!!!" mufmuf...


oh i love it.

for all of you who havent seen it, maybe cuz u were disappointed by the crash and burn of the cat and the hat....this one is godly.
absolutely amazing.

there are no words to describe how amazing it was.


oh yes.
cloverfield was pretty cool too.
very clever in its subtle little clues to the story.
original in its take on a monster attacking new york, right?
so reminded me of a really cool first person shooter.


more movies im looking forward to!
indiana jones, batman, ice age 3, kung fu panda....lmao. jack black fo shizzle. XD
and silent hill2.
anything on that yall know bout that i havent heard?
dying to see if its actually gonna happen.


as for me, ive been drawing alittle.
scanned in a lot, but...
hehhe.
they all look horrid.
its all completely and disgustingly unoriginal and drab.
so when i decide to start up my brain with some actual thought processing, ill let you all know.

in the meantime,
i go back to snarfing down some food.

adieu.

]]> ~Anathema6205 http://Anathema6205.deviantart.com/journal/17176734/ http://Anathema6205.deviantart.com/journal/17176734/ Tue, 04 Mar 2008 08:26:57 PST Just to compliment your sorrow
Another life that I've taken from you
A gift to add on to your pain and suffering
Another truth you can never believe
Has crippled you completely
All the cries you're beginning to hear
Trapped in your mind, and the sound is deafening

Let me enlighten you
This is the way I pray

Living just isn't hard enough
Burn me alive, inside
Living my life's not hard enough
Take everything away

Another nightmare about to come true
Will manifest tomorrow
Another love that I've taken from you
Lost in time, on the edge of suffering
Another taste of the evil I breed
Will level you completely
Bring to life everything that you fear
Live in the dark, and the world is threatening

Let me enlighten you
This is the way i pray

Living just isn't hard enough
Burn me alive, inside
Living my life's not hard enough
Take everything away

Return to me
Leave me no one
Turn to me
Return to me
Cast aside

You make me turn away

Living just isn't hard enough
Burn me alive, inside
Living my life's not hard enough
Take everything away...

Disturbed

i think my lucks' run out.
horribly demoralized right now.
as if life isnt hard enough.
you have to shove it in my face that im a fucking beast.



it doesnt feel like ive gotten anywhere.

*sigh*
things will work out.
all it takes is time.
it just sucks that time is something ive never had.


i hate waiting around.

Member of:
]]> ~Anathema6205 http://Anathema6205.deviantart.com/journal/17141355/ http://Anathema6205.deviantart.com/journal/17141355/ Sat, 01 Mar 2008 23:52:15 PST very lighter note.

right now im learning some beatles songs on meh guitar.
because the beatles= euphoria.

things are rolling.
dont know for how long, but they are.

out of my hands.
best i can do is keep going.

so thats it.
mhmm.
arts coming soon.
i can stop wasting time.

Member of:
]]> ~Anathema6205 http://Anathema6205.deviantart.com/journal/17141265/ http://Anathema6205.deviantart.com/journal/17141265/ Sat, 01 Mar 2008 23:42:25 PST hes narrowed them down pretty accurately, down to sixteen psychological types.
although his dream studies are equally interesting and accurate, im going to focus on this for now.

ive looked for something that would narrow his work down, as undiluted as possible, but what i learned through lots books of his studies, i couldnt find something that i could put here without writing a novel or two myself.

however, i found a website that summarizes it, giving you guys something to look at.
it gives the four basic categories, which you have to decide which you fall under-once you decide on whether you are either:

- introverted/extroverted
- sensing/ intuitive
- thinking/ feeling
- perceiving/ judging

of these, you take the first letter of each, and the categories are listed below.
look up and read the description of the type and the positive and negative perspectives of it.

mine was extremely accurate- especially the bad. i found myself getting angry at what it was saying.
because it was true.
i know its true.

this method is used quite a bit.
although this site has slight holes in it, for the most part, it draws something accurate.


now as for us introverts...to whom im talking to, we feel we know this already.
who the hell knows us better than ourselves?
i already know what im good at and what i cant do.
truth is...
we might be getting pissed because we dont want to look.
we dont really want to see ourselves.
thats the worst apart.
we cant fix anything if we cant understand ourselves first.

*sigh*
so take a look.
this isnt for just saying "oh, im INFp or ESFp, or how to find your perfect match...bla bla...
no, its just to understand what others might see where you dont.
jung really hit us on the spot.
we like to understand, but not do anything with it.
its all for our own mental evolution.
so this may help a bit.

cold, yes.
but its an honest look.
in the clearest way you can break your mentality down.


ah yes.
so im gonna give you the link, along with a few pages from my own notes i took from jungs books.

i give a warning.
i tore myself up trying to get all this down on paper.
its hard shit to read.
because its facing that ever-present torment.
which adds more and more questions and frustration and skull-splitting pain.
so if you dont feel like getting philosophical and questioning things, dont bother reading.

i wont feel betrayed.
trust me.
im seriously hating philosophy and thinking.

but its something that needs to be done for the introverts that feel like theyre alone.
misundertood.



*sighs again*
adieu, my friends.
i hope it helps.
i hate being so unclear.
forgive the damned novel.


post note.
my notes were merely trying to figure out things that related to what i was going through at the time. these notes are a bit old.
so it doesnt apply to the majority.
it helped clarify a bit.

[link]



"introverts are the thinkers, the dreamers. reserved and hide our emotions. this leads to an almost lethal flood of it, leaving physical damage as evidence. would prefer to see another succeed at their goal than for them to try and fail. this comes from thinking and pondering things way too much. on what it means if the goal isnt reached. it may be the case of modesty, or lack of self-confidence, sometimes to the extreme.

in a metaphorical animal scenario, an introvert is a "high-defense" creature, with a low reproduction level. like a predator.
think panther or shark.
with only one or two offspring, but extremely powerful and lethal.
(conserved energy?)
extroverts are more like trout or frogs, who spawn hundreds trying everything and anything just to survive. oftentimes not even thinking, leading to self-destruction and failure in the long run.
this is all adaptation and how an individual reacts-their choices do not make them how they are- either introverted or extroverted, they already are- they simply react to this inner instinct.
this suggests we are born this way. and assuming our personalities are not effected negatively to the extreme in early stages of development which could inhibit that growth, that individuals mentality will never change.

the problem with introverts is that despite all the profound and deep thoughts and ideas, they remain nothing more. perhaps out of fear or pride.
but the extrovert is just as bad, if not worse.
accomplishing alot of shallow and meaningless p... ]]> ~Anathema6205 http://Anathema6205.deviantart.com/journal/17082522/ http://Anathema6205.deviantart.com/journal/17082522/ Wed, 27 Feb 2008 00:40:55 PST Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise

Blackbird fly, Blackbird fly
Into the light of the dark black night.

Black bird singing in the dead of night
Take these sunken eyes and learn to see
all your life
you were only waiting for this moment to be free

Blackbird fly, Blackbird fly
Into the light of the dark black night.

Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise,oh
You were only waiting for this moment to arise, oh
You were only waiting for this moment to arise

The Beatles

im just trying to understand, trying to stabilize everything.
my head is spinning-i just dont know!

lately i dont know which way is up.
im trying to go forward, but forward is actually backwards, down, down down...
it gets darker-i cant see in this infernal light.
i dont understand-i have people who care for me-who care what happens to me...
why do i have such a horrible feeling-this suffocating fear that im going to be left alone in the end?
that all that will come crashing down?
that im going to lose everything i need and love...again...

that everything im doing is going to explode in my face?
again?

...
why do i have the feeling someones laughing at me...?
chuckling to themselves, watching me go through this maze like a rat-seeing my blatant mistakes and idiocies-
ridiculing my blind searching while they change the maze so there is no way out.
why do i feel so trapped?
why do i feel...like i have absolutely NO control???
i have no control over what happens in my life.

it feels like everyone knows me too well-and they already know what ill do-even before i do.
so why bother.

the purpose..its right there.
i know it.
i see it-
i just cant wrap my brain around it.
im only seeing what i cant be.
im only hearing what i have never been.
what i should have done.

i wish it would go away.

why is it this way?
i have a good day- im enjoying myself, enjoying life and its simplicities-then out of the blue, im slammed with a spell of dizziness-an overwhelming swarm of memories and confusion overtakes my vision...
my lungs constrict.
i feel myself sway, but i cant let myself fall...
i hear those voices, crying from my past...
i get lost in them, i cant see through them sometimes...
i struggle to keep consciousness-to keep focus on whats ahead of me so i dont fall over.
its been happening more often lately...

i try not to think on my past-my dreams.
i shove them out of mind.
i cant let them rule my life anymore.
so i ignore them-i look past them...
go on with life.
and once again, they force themselves on me during the day.

...
this anxiety is really eating at me.
it goes away for awhile...as soon as its about to disappear- as soon as i think i can let it go...

i want to let it go.
i really do.
im tired of being in complete agony.
im tired of failing.
im tired of being alone in everything.
im tired of breaking.
im tired.

i hate regret.
and i feel like everything ive done wrong in my life is going to attack me real soon-
when im happy-when everything is hard, but falling into place-when im barely hanging by a thread to what i have....
its going to shred it all.

..it always happens this way...
everythings going to be ripped away from me,
and im going to be left all alone again to deal with it all by myself...
trying to cope with myself and forgive myself for another ten years.


...i can tell ive been really changing lately...
just by my drawings you can tell.
my dreams are running rampant within each sketch and doodle.
each pencil stroke more jagged and darker than the previous.
each is bolder than the last.
all of it-it screams something.
it seems im using my education just fine-
they get more and more accurate...
and it frightens me.
soon ill be able to portray them accurately...
dear god, why...
it seems nothing can feel fixed.
i have to administer shock treatment with each drawing.
trying to get over each one-grow calloused from all the blood and violence and pain.
trying to look each face straight in the eyes without fear.

doesnt work.
i still feel the same as when i first had the nightmare.
still feels like my sanity is teetering on the brink.
i dont understand anymore than i did in the first place.

am i changing?
i think so.
ive g... ]]> ~Anathema6205 http://Anathema6205.deviantart.com/journal/17006841/ http://Anathema6205.deviantart.com/journal/17006841/ Fri, 22 Feb 2008 10:05:58 PST I'm not gonna react
I'm not doing shit for you
I'm not sitting around
While you're tearing it down around us
I'm not living a lie
While you swim in denial
'Cause you're already dead and gone
You'll leave me out on the curb
Just like everyone else before you

Welcome to my world
Where everyone I ever need
Always ends up leaving me alone
Another lesson burned
And I'm drowning in the ashes
Kicking
Screaming
Welcome to my world

I don't care what you think
I'm not seeing a shrink
I'm not doing this again
I'm not another
Student or a mother
To take your shit out on
So let's see what you got
And let's see what you're not
And whatever else you pretend
You've defended my intentions
Long enough

Welcome to my world
Where everyone I ever need
Always ends up leaving me alone
Another lesson burned
And I'm drowning in the ashes
Kicking
Screaming
Welcome to my world

So here I am again
In the middle of the end
And the choice I wish I'd made
I always make too late...


Sick Puppies

Stupid. this is all i have to say about how i feel.
updates? hmmm.....my life is insane.
lots of bad things happening, consttantly forcing me to run head on into whatevers in my way.
its the only way i know how to get through things.
a few good things, which are the most important to me.
these few instances, they keep me going.

but stop being so vague-what is wrong?

yesterday i was outside, doing my job when a huge suv collided with a turning car.
i saw the whole thing happen in a split fucking second- the suv was going way too fast, slamming into the driver side of this car...a car that i had seen intact not two minutes ago. the people in them, going about life as usual.

i ran over there, ran to help and see if everyone was okay.
it was so strange...i turned into someone else entirely...i took control over the situation-my voice was strong and steady when i talked to everyone...
i felt so different...
since i was the only one with a walkie talkie, i kept telling my managers to get someone out to help me-it took them forever to con firm that it was an emergency.
that they should even bother to come out.

what the fuck.

i told them the pregnant woman in the drivers' side had her leg completely mangled from the door jutting into her side and her head and ears were gushing blood.

that got them out there.

but when they did come out, the damned manager was telling me i shouldnt have gone out to the road and helped them. i shouldve just stayed on the property, because then it would make them liable if i did something.

i shouldve just sat and watched.

the husband really helped in this...the woman was screaming...but because i know better not to touch anyone that is hurt that badly into the medics come, i just tried to keep the children from screaming and scaring the woman.
the husband..he had his hands on each side of her head, keeping her looking directly into his eyes, and just whispering things to her..his hands were covered in her blood...
you could see how hard she was trying not to scream out in pain...
tears were running down her face, bloodstained, her eyes overwhelmed with fear...
but she kept her control....
...smoke everywhere...steam from the totaled engine...
the smell of gasoline and other fluids mixing...
blood...blood...
the blue and red lights...so damned familiar.


i just kept talking to the kids, telling them it was going to be okay...just kept them calm...

the medics came...taking their fucking ass time, strolling their way over there...
the cop was afucking retard, not knowing what to do.
nobody cared.
everyone is so empty.
so dead.
the husband was covered in his wifes blood, he was sitting on the curb...
nobody went to see if he was okay...


afterwards...i just couldnt stop shaking.
i wanted to throw up all day...
and to everyone else...it didnt even seem to phase them.
it was like that was everyday life...
they went on laughing about how stupid the woman was, joking about the whole thing...
i wanted to tear out their eyes...
how can they be so cruel...

later that day, it was so strange-i saw a little girl, all dressed in pink and purple stripes...but younger.
this girl has always haunted my dreams, my nightmares.
light brown long hair, beautiful innocent but dark eyes, pale skin, a little pink and purple striped sweater with dark purple brown cordoroys...
it seemed my heart stops everytime..
this little girl was younger-but i swear, she kept stari... ]]> ~Anathema6205 http://Anathema6205.deviantart.com/journal/16671672/ http://Anathema6205.deviantart.com/journal/16671672/ Fri, 01 Feb 2008 09:22:38 PST
Member of:
]]> ~Anathema6205 http://Anathema6205.deviantart.com/journal/16666546/ http://Anathema6205.deviantart.com/journal/16666546/ Thu, 31 Jan 2008 22:00:34 PST Like an unknown memory
I was never meant to find
Little seed of purity
And you don't belong to me
Still I'm blinded by its light
DON'T TRY TO MAKE IT RIGHT!

Does anybody know bout love
Does anybody care bout God
If you're with me sing sorrow

Penny for your thoughts I fear
we need a little help round here
If you're with me sing sorrow

When the stars don't ever heal
Do you fear you'll never feel
What it is to be at peace
YOU'RE CRAVING A RELEASE!

Does anybody know bout love
Does anybody care bout God
If you're with me sing sorrow

Penny for your thoughts I fear
we need a little help round here
If you're with me sing sorrow

I don't understand here
Why God would do me this way.
I lived a life
Was always good
The one thing I need to take away

TO TAKE WAY
THE ONE THING (TAKE AWAY)
THE ONE THING (TAKE AWAY)
THE ONE THING (TAKE AWAY)
THE ONE THING (TAKE AWAY)
just take away
THE ONE THING (TAKE AWAY)
one thing to take away
THE ONE THING (TAKE AWAY)
one thing to take away
AWAY AWAY

It took away my world
all it left was pain
and all this time was for nothing

Does anybody know about love
Does anybody care about God
If you're with me sing sorrow

Penny for your thoughts I fear
we need a little help round here
If you're with me sing sorrow

KoRn

hello all.
yes, ill let you all know right now, its been mad crazy lately.
my life has been threatening to tear itself apart at the seams since august.
every goddamn thing...
my friends' death, losing my job, finding another, trying to hang onto the new one, a near suicide, almost having to leave school permanently, losing my home, my friends, my family, my confidence, understanding, my control, my mind...
hahha...
yeah, you can say its been an interesting few months.

but...
i think all my fighting has payed off.
finally.
after everything that everyone said...
that i was worthless, that ill never get there, im fucking things up,
that i should just give it up, quit, etc, etc.
...
i fucking did it.

today, my bitch of a boss admitted to me that ive been doing a hell of a job.
she said the other managers freaked at how much work i was hauling compared to everyone else-said that everyone prefers to work with me now, so now she has to get me trained everywhere in the store now. lol
everybodies been asking to work with me-to send me to do the job, cuz i do it right and quickly. hahha.
fuck yeah.

so now, im guaranteed to keep my job, along with a flexible schedule and forty hours to pay for my school.
not to mention the fact that theyre training me for managers' positions-right after probationary period.

impossible is what i heard.
give it up.
never.
ull get it eventually...like twenty years from now.

fuck.
that.

let me say this.
i did it, on my own, without their support, and all their criticism and negative energies.

(and i couldnt have done it without my friends backing me...
you know who you are.
thank you...)

this whole ordeal has really strained me to the very limits.
let me tell you.
well...you can tell by my recent journals....
i was losing my faith in my understanding of this world...
you know...work your ass off, and youll get something in return?
didnt seem to be working.
i was getting screwed left and right the harder i worked.
be good, and you see something in return.
persist, and you may find what you were looking for?
yeah.

but finally...maybe...
it might be time to breathe again...
i can feel again-without worrying that itll be the death of me.
so....
yes.
im hoping the hard times are behind me for the moment.
a few months, perhaps...it may get harder.
but for now...
im going to go sketch, blast some tool and seether,
then plaster myself to my bed and get some sleep...
...finally...

not worrying about anything right now.
this has helped me regain that understanding.
i know everything will fall into place.
everything has a reason and rhyme.
i dont know why all this has happened...
but...
its working.
i tore through that brick wall with my bare hands.
...i honestly dont know...if its right...wrong...for me to push this hard...
to fight this viciously...
but i do know..that fighting...never giving in...proves to be worthwhile...
even when the fight is pointless...hopeless...
it does...
gain some ground.

...lets just hope i can keep doing this.<... ]]> ~Anathema6205 http://Anathema6205.deviantart.com/journal/16636886/ http://Anathema6205.deviantart.com/journal/16636886/ Tue, 29 Jan 2008 23:03:48 PST Produce the demons within us
Pointless trials but don’t be late
Cause someone’s always pissed off

Disrespect me cause I’m ugly
Don’t give me your stupid pity

There are no hands to tell
To tell the time
Master of my destination
Your selfish hands invade this time
And break through all of my fences

Disrespect me cause I’m ugly
Don’t give me your stupid pity

Amuse myself with pots of paint
Produce the demons within us
Pointless trials but don’t be late
Cause someone’s always pissed off

Disrespect me cause I’m ugly
Don’t give me your stupid pity

Disrespect me cause I’m ugly
Don’t give me your stupid pity


Saron Gas

...song means alot to me...
the tune...the lyrics...they say something so much deeper than whats on the surface...they allude to something so much more sorrowful...
..oh, im so tired..

what does all this mean...?
where am i going, but slamming my head into the wall of a dead end alleyway.
im so damn stubborn...
headstrong to a fault...
i refuse to give up.
that is my problem.

instead of turning around, going around perhaps...though it may take longer...im trying to claw my way through a brick wall to get through.

...
my parents told me not two hours ago to give up.
simple as that.
to just stop.
let it go.
quit already.

because im hurting everyone to get what i want.
that i dont give a flying fuck about anyone else, just as long as i get my way...
and you know...the things that hurt the most are things people say are true.
...
this one hurt like a mother fucker.

i break everything in my path...use everyone to get what i want...
its mine...
i want it...
me...
always...
the only time im kind to others is because i want to gain their respect-i want to feel loved by them...
i want them to feel happy...
and know that i was able to do that...
again...for me...
its not because...

*sigh*
...
i feel so utterly selfish.
i hog attention, from everyone.
i demand that i get what i want.
everyone has to do it my way.
everyone gives for me...
and i take.
and take
and take...

but i still feel like im missing something...
like im always missing something...
im missing.

life.
is missing.
the parts where you look to the sides of you and find people who love you-want to stay by your side because youre a good person...because they admire you...they want...to...not because they have to...
to know that youd never hurt them...that youd give anything for them...and make it true...to prove to them how much you really love them...and have them see it....

to see the pride in their eyes when you walk beside them, anywhere you go...to mean something...anything...
...
im so tired of seeing shame in their eyes...
to see disgust...
muted anger...
disapproval.

ive let them down...

again.
always.

...
...
give up...something theyve always told me to NEVER do.
something ive forced myself to never think on.
ive trained myself-honed every goddamn muscle in my body to never collapse and give in-no matter what the cost-no matter how far.

i never have.

ive had to do this.
i wouldnt be alive right now if i hadnt done this.

i dont know what it is to give up.
i have no fucking clue what it is to just...stop.
even when im beaten-when ive clearly lost...
im still fighting.
this is so fucking stupid.

im kicking at the dead horse.
its just not going to go.

but my stubborness is second to none.
ill see everything in flames before i give in.
even if it means hurting others to get there...
i dont think this...
i think on the contrary, actually...
but my instincts tell me this...
they drive me to this....

go.
go.
go.
never stop.
never.
never.
never.
NEVER!

its never over.
never finished.

Member of:
~Anathema6205 http://Anathema6205.deviantart.com/journal/16495440/ http://Anathema6205.deviantart.com/journal/16495440/ Sun, 20 Jan 2008 19:08:22 PST
Member of:
]]> ~Anathema6205 http://Anathema6205.deviantart.com/journal/16495330/ http://Anathema6205.deviantart.com/journal/16495330/ Sun, 20 Jan 2008 19:01:06 PST Like im your other soul, but you can love them all
You're tears are meaningless, they're written on your face.
Just like your empty words, just like the chemical.
Just like the disease that stains your lips tonight.
You are the disease that's in my life.

If it's no ones fault,
There's just no one to blame and nothing to say.
This time it's no ones fault.
Oh, there's nothing to save and no one to hate.
But I want to so bad.
Believe me.

There's just so many ways you never needed to be.
Like im some empty space that never leaves your side.
Now wipe that stupid look off of your face.
You're not the finest one, you're not the only one.
You're just a disease that stains the lips tonight.
You are the disease that's in my life.

If it's no ones fault,
There's just no one to blame and nothing to say.
This time it's no ones fault.
Oh, there's nothing to save and no one to hate.
But I want to so bad.
Believe me.

We're great in small doses
I pronounce it.
You're satisfied loving me.
You're so proud of yourself and your disadvantage to me.
It's just something you love to say.
The greater the dosage makes me mispronounce it to be.

You're dead inside of me.
You're dead inside of me.
But when you're alone.
And no one knows.
It doesn't seem to matter.
You're the same inside of me.

If it's no ones fault,
There's just no one to blame and nothing to say.
This time it's no ones fault.
Oh, there's nothing to save and no one to hate.
If I say I want you so bad.
It doesnt matter.
Dont believe me.
You're just the disease that was in my life


Evans Blue

your dead inside of me...your dead inside of me...these words keep echoing, screaming in my mind...
dead!!!!
the same...dead....
dead inside...
the same inside...

i dont know who i am , what i am...
i wish i could just disappear if i caused so much pain and frustration and anger to the ones i love. like i never was here...if only it were that simple. if i serve no purpose here, just make it so i never was here. please.
that way no one would have had to go through all this trouble
all this pain.
for me.

because of me.

everything i am.
everything i fight for.
i give everything of myself-everyday.
especially lately.
and it means nothing to noone.
nothing.
NOTHING.
it does nothing.
changes nothing.

they tell me how much they wish i wasnt here to fuck things up...i agree 100 fucking percent.
i wish you didnt give me your love.
your pity or compassion or kindness or charity.
fuck you.
im the worst creature, the lowest.
why wouldnt you see this from the begnning.
why didnt you throw me in the ditch when i was a newborn.
it would have saved all this from happening.
from your pain.
why didnt you just give me away.
it doesnt matter about my well-being.
how many times must i say this.
i find ways to survive.
i always have.
its not about me
never
im not fucking worth it.

please just forget it all.
i dont want you to believe in me, because i already know ill make it a point to prove you otherwise.
its like i want to fail.
i want to be worthless.
i am the ghost.
just please make me that way.
make me disappear.
im not running.
i faced all my problems head on...
this is an honest to god plea.
i do not want to hurt anyone else.
i dont want to cause any more hassles and more trouble for people.
im nothing more.
no matter how hard i try.
no matter how much i give, how much i push myself beyond the edge,
the result is always the same.
always.
always.
im always the fucking failure.
complete and total.
and im an animal that has no feelings or emotions or goddamn soul.
i deserve everything they throw at me.



why in gods name is this so goddamn hard...
nothing has ever worked out...
i come all this way-just to get to a goddamn dead end.
all this pain and anguish and suffering and tears and sadness and fights and pleading and fighting and pushing and shoving and biting and tearing and thrashing.
ive tried to be as kind as i ever could be.
ive tried to be as clean and honest as possible.
keep going.
and....
what is it for.
it never shows.
what did it mean.
that i tried?
????????
its always like that.
i dont want to be the almost.
t... ]]> ~Anathema6205 http://Anathema6205.deviantart.com/journal/16274015/ http://Anathema6205.deviantart.com/journal/16274015/ Sat, 05 Jan 2008 17:14:53 PST
When things weren`t as we know

Back when I was younger and had a hunger

For all the things I didn`t know



And I remember the day when

I went out to play

And I bird flew down to my hand

Didn`t want to leave and

When I asked to keep

I remember my dad said



Yeah son let it go away

Hope that it comes back

Here to you some day

Just let it go away

And if it comes back

you know it`s here to stay



Since then I`ve gone through changes

Since then I`ve gone through life

Since then I found me a beautiful woman

I thought could be my wife

She said she really loves me

But she said she couldn`t stay

She said I`ve got to go my love

To find things my own way



So I let her go away

Hope that she comes back

Here to me some day

I let her go away

And if she comes back

I know she`s here to stay



There`s not always reasons for the things in life

But it`s comforting to know within your mind

If you love something enough

And you`ve done all that you can

If there`s one thing I have known and learned first hand

Sometimes you have to just let it go away



Hope that it comes back

Here to you some day

Just let it go away

And if it comes back

You know it`s here to stay



Let it go away

And if it comes back

You know it`s here to stay

Let it go


Depswa

an band i used to listen to when they first started.
picked em up again. woot.
they deserve a second look.
hrmhrm.
been working nonstop, i think i busted my ankle and knee pretty badly.
again.
i look like such a gimp.
*runs off to draw*


Sturfs i owe people-

a trade...whenever she gets to meh.
an icon!
a furreh portrait

Member of:
http://Anathema6205.deviantart.com/journal/16215545/ Tue, 01 Jan 2008 22:29:57 PST
woot. for. me.
shortest damn journal everrrrr.

Member of:
]]> ~Anathema6205 http://Anathema6205.deviantart.com/journal/16156227/ http://Anathema6205.deviantart.com/journal/16156227/ Sat, 29 Dec 2007 17:56:12 PST its on the edge of complete despair and complete and unutterable euphoria.
my close friend is moving to colorado because he tried to kill himself.
or rather, theyre moving him there.
so now, i cant even see him.
my freedom is down the freaking drain as of right now..
and i have no idea how im going to pull through without seeing him.
it tears me apart that he tried...
it hurts me even more that theyre making it worse, they just tie him up and leave him alone...
i wish theyd just talk to him.
see how amazing that boy really is.
see how much of a genius he is- what he can give.

...it was strange, because he sent me an email just the other night,
telling me how much he missed the old times.
..hehhe...we had so much fun...
not bad kids, we were just...both of us, rebels.

*sigh*
so my heart feels like its about to implode because i cant even talk to him...cant see him, cant be there...
hes all alone with those bastards...

i pray that hell pull through.
i know hes strong enough.

so thats not the euphoria.
ive been on the verge of screaming since i heard that...
but...i see so many people, pulling through the things lifes' dealt them...
theyre staying strong.
they still find time to try and give everything to the ones they love.
i see the ones that have nobody...
and i realize how very strong they are-
i didnt see it when i was on that side...
i just knew how hard everything was when you had noone...
and i want with everything in me that they find someone...
and hope they realize how incredilby beautiful they are.

the ones that dont even have a home to go to,
because they dont have a job anymore-yet they have high spirits-
its not the end of the world.

these ones give me hope-
where the world is falling apart around them,
yet they can wear a smile on their face-
they light a freaking inferno within me.
i want to weep with happiness.

i want to really push myself-try- for them.
go full-speed.
doesnt matter about the physical limitations-
health, pain, mental confusions and insecurities.
i want to make them laugh,
no matter how stupid or immature i may seem to others.
i want to see a smile, or even half a grin.
i want to keep that fire i see in their eyes bright.
i dont want them to feel like theyre alone.

*sigh*
like i said, im not sure how to feel right now.
im so scared for my friend...
but i still see hope everywhere.

its not over.




this song was one of our favorite songs back in the day.
simple and straightforward.
this is for him, in the hope that he stays strong...
dont leave us, man, we need you...


So close, no matter how far
Couldn't pay much more from the heart
Forever trusting who we are
and nothing else matters

Never opened myself this way
Life is ours, we live it our way
All these words I don't just say
and nothing else matters

Trust I seek and I find in you
Every day for us something new
Open mind for a different view
and nothing else matters

never cared for what they do
never cared for what they know
but I know

So close, no matter how far
Couldn't pay much more from the heart
Forever trusting who we are
and nothing else matters

never cared for what they do
never cared for what they know
but I know

Never opened myself this way
Life is ours, we live it our way
All these words I don't just say

Trust I seek and I find in you
Every day for us, something new
Open mind for a different view
and nothing else matters

never cared for what they say
never cared for games they play
never cared for what they do
never cared for what they know
and I know

So close, no matter how far
Couldn't be much more from the heart
Forever trusting who we are
No, nothing else matters...

Metallica



Member of:
http://Anathema6205.deviantart.com/journal/16068949/ Mon, 24 Dec 2007 03:04:18 PST It has gotten to my head. Permeates the path I tread.
But I tread, I'm moving on in a new and happy song.
I can sing about the night, how my tunnel without light
Led me to the other side where the sky is blue.

It's all I can do to not let them ruin me.
I will not let them ruin me.
I will not let them ruin me again.

There is fire inside the tree. Flames of knowing kissing me.
I have waited long to see a sign from you.

It's all I can do to not let them ruin me.
I will not let them ruin me.
I will not let them ruin me again.

Sixpence None The Richer


simply amazing song.
and what a perfect way to get through all this.

i write because christmas has snuck up on me again-
im left wondering where all my time has gone.
and why it left me so quickly.
i write cuz i wanna wish you guys a merry xmas,
enjoy your time off and go eat a ton.


*sigh*
...and i also write because i said i wouldnt.
i realize that some things i say arent exactly the best to follow...
im not a saint.
and im almost always never right.
thats why i stopped..because it was hurting others.
right or wrong...
i didnt want to hurt anyone...

im pretty sure my philosophies are WELL known already.
so.
just a quick update.
yeah, i got another job, been doing alright at it.
pays better, so those fuckers at my old job can shove it.
im gonna continue to go to school, as long as nothing drastic happens.
im reeeally crossing my fingers and praying to whoever is up there that nothing does.
kinda worn out.
my dog died, beaten to death.
my other dog now sleeps with me in my bed, hogging up all the space.
its a good thing i dont sleep often, because he would already be booted out the window.
discovered some amazing new bands,
found out i like really big bears and hate cashmere,
bought some really bangin games and replaying the old ones ive beaten twenty times over.
..and for the life of me, i cant remember phone numbers anymore.
not a single one.
mmm-mm.
nope.

schools out, obviously, so hopefully my grades are halfway decent.
d-day is in...five days and counting, so wish me luck.
im gonna really need it.


and....
no matter what happens...thingsll be alright.

Member of:
~Anathema6205 http://Anathema6205.deviantart.com/journal/15570295/ http://Anathema6205.deviantart.com/journal/15570295/ Sun, 18 Nov 2007 23:32:34 PST
They're calling you
Some kind of ghost
But I know that's not true

Cause time and time again I spoke
And I have spoke with you

They're saying I
Am some kind of ghost
But that's so hard to say

Maybe I'll go
Maybe you're safe

No there's no way to say...

And I would love you
To come over
And I would love you
Too

Member of:
]]> ~Anathema6205 http://Anathema6205.deviantart.com/journal/15181367/ http://Anathema6205.deviantart.com/journal/15181367/ Tue, 23 Oct 2007 16:31:51 PDT Eyes in silence
Eyes in the dark
A life in patience
To survive and surrender
Whatever I feel
Whatever I see is just
A sign of hope
A reflection of my memories
Words covered with dust
In a book to my left
An urge to read
No permission
Helpless eyes
Voices fading
I regret
I regret
I tilt my head
I close my eyes
Voice - louder
Temptation rising
I shiver
I'm a stranger in my own skin
I'll survive
But for how long?
And silence still remains

Whatever my belief and identity will offer
I can never purify my thoughts

And still
I linger in temptation
Still not daring to reach out
The book
My dreams
Written out in words that I can't read
My fingers write
What my mind is not capable to think of
And silence still remains
I'm a stranger in my own skin
But I'll survive
My fingers write
What my mind is not capable to think of
But I'll survive

But for how long...?

Member of:
]]> ~Anathema6205 http://Anathema6205.deviantart.com/journal/15136901/ http://Anathema6205.deviantart.com/journal/15136901/ Sat, 20 Oct 2007 18:29:09 PDT I had a horrible dream that the angels were screaming...to hear such a gut-wrenching and agonizing sound split the abysmal darkness...
I felt my devastated heart cease to beat...it was like the whole of me was completely erased in that split second-
My soul dismembered,
my purpose completely abolished...
my wraith-like existence...
...echoing for an eternity...

Where do I take this pain of mine?
I run but it stays right by my side

So tear me open, pour me out
These things inside they scream and shout
And the pain still hates me
So hold me until it sleeps

Just like a curse, just like a stray
You feed it once and now it stays
Now it stays

So tear me open, but beware
Theres things inside without a care
And the dirt still stains me
So wash me until Im clean

It grips you so hold me
It stains you so hold me
It hates you so hold me
It holds you so hold me
Until it sleeps...

So tell me why youve choosen me
Dont want your grip
Dont want your greed
Dont want it

Ill tear me open, make you gone
No more can you hurt anyone
And the fear still shakes me
So hold me until it sleeps

I dont want it.....no

It grips you so hold me
It stains you so hold me
It hates you so hold me
It holds you, holds you, holds you
Until it sleeps...

So tear me open, but beware
The pains inside without a care
And the dirt still stains me
So wash me til Im clean

Ill tear me open, make you gone
No longer will you hurt anyone
And the hate still shakes me
So hold me until it sleeps
Until it sleeps
Until it sleeps

Metallica

oh, its been awhile since ive fallen away from my problems with metallica.
that guitar, that voice...i dont know what it is..
but this is a perfect song.
especially for the moment.
wont you rip me open and see what went wrong?
id love to know.
maybe while youre there, you could repair it.
hmm.
yeah, lately been drawing alot.
ill post soon.
i found alot of really old art i might throw in scraps.
ive picked up my guitar out of its dusty corner again.
its been so long...i kinda just stopped once i graduated-i went obsessive with drawing, and since i no longer could skip out on class to play, it just went on the back burner.
but its always been so soothing...even if its not my own music, just listening to the way your hands move along the strings, the pluck of the plastic against steel...those silver notes carrying your conscious and heavy mind away into beautiful oblivion...
lose yourself in the weeping electric guitar, the haunting echoes, reverberating from the small black box in the corner...

ive been trying to draw those chars that i mentioned-especially that owl..im just not good at drawing cute things.
they end up looking really angular, really angry, somehow.
a cute fuzzball of a bird, looking like some kind of mini demon. how does that work?
i think i draw like that so much, its becoming my style..
so horrid.
i have no patience for drawing the scenes.
the yellow room, the one window room, etc.
tried, didnt work.
i got upset.
why they bother me so, just to draw them, i have yet to answer.
all i can really draw is eyes. dogs.
and they still come out like shit.

meh.
im tired.
im gonna go draw now.

*EDIT*

they actually moved my lestat drawing to scraps, and not a deviation...one of my most popular drawings. hurhur...
i think its funny how they pay attention to something like that, when theres soo much more here than can be fixed.

Member of:
~Anathema6205 http://Anathema6205.deviantart.com/journal/15066447/ http://Anathema6205.deviantart.com/journal/15066447/ Sun, 14 Oct 2007 22:55:22 PDT I had a horrible dream that the angels were screaming...to hear such a gut-wrenching and agonizing sound split the abysmal darkness...
I felt my devastated heart cease to beat...it was like the whole of me was completely erased in that split second-
My soul dismembered,
my purpose completely abolished...
my wraith-like existence...
...echoing for an eternity...

So glad to see you have overcome them
Completely silent now
With heaven's help
You cast your demons out
And not to pull your halo down
Around your neck and tug you off your cloud
But I'm more than just a little curious
How you're planning to go about
Making your amends to the dead
To the dead

Recall the deeds as if
They're all someone else's
Atrocious stories
Now you stand reborn before us all
So glad to see you well

And not to pull your halo down
Around your neck and tug you to the ground
But I'm more than just a little curious
How you're planning to go about
Making your amends to the dead
To the dead

With your halo slipping down
Your halo slipping
Your halo slipping down
Your halo slipping down
Your halo slipping down

Your halo slipping down to choke you now...

A Perfect Circle

One of my all time favorite songs. The meaning behind them...
powerful message, but frightening sometimes.
i feel it applies to me as well.

but that aside...dude, i really like that raincloud emoticon..
*clings*

sorry, just saw it.
but yeah, i think im feeling better.
ive been sick for the past week and to top it off, havent gotten too much zzs comin my way.
last night was the last straw-after a particularly strong blank out, i needed to get some sleep, they frighten me so much.
i got about half an hour, which made things better.
just enough to pull me through.
ahh...daughtry is so depressing. *skips track*
staind-so much better.
now where was i?

ah yes.
so here i am again, another night.
now that i have half my brain working, im typin a journal and then running off to ps to paint some sturf.
ah-as for the emot-im not depressed or whatever. im just not prancin about.
im tired.
simple as that.
they need to make that emot.
i get irritable when im tired.
very sulky.
and thirsty.
hmm.
lol-and random as hell, apparently.

ah yesh.
i saw the shins the other night live.
fantastic show.
it was a really nice break from the headbanging, eardrum-oblitering bands that usually runs in my taste. actually, no, im not that bad.
i dont like anything heavier than death metal.
and not even recently.
im fallin back into instrumentals, acoustic, violin, classical.
slow and lulling.
the pain recedes for awhile.
lol-thats why my headphones and mp3 have become a permanent appendage.
music can make me forget who i am.
or remember the good part of me-
if there is such in me. lol

omg, where did my socks go!?!?
*cries frantically*
i swear they just teleported off my feet!!
*scratches head*
more sleep, yes?

...
so before my battery dies, im going to paint up somethin.
adieu

Member of:
http://Anathema6205.deviantart.com/journal/15036735/ Fri, 12 Oct 2007 22:47:39 PDT I had a horrible dream that the angels were screaming...to hear such a gut-wrenching and agonizing sound split the abysmal darkness...
I felt my devastated heart cease to beat...it was like the whole of me was completely erased in that split second-
My soul dismembered,
my purpose completely abolished...
my wraith-like existence...
...echoing for an eternity...

You came into my life
Without a single thing
I gave into your ways
Which left me with nothing

I've given empty smiles
I've dealt with all your games
I wish you'd bet right now
I had to let you win

Won't you get the fuck out of my face, Now!
Won't you get the fuck out of my face, Now!

In the sea of life you're just a minnow
Live your life insecure
Feel the pain of your needles
As they shit into my mind

I scream without a sound
How could you take away
Everything that I was
Made me a fuckin' slave

Your face that I despise
Your heart inside that's gray
I came today to say
You're fucked in every way

Won't you get the fuck out of my face, Now!
Won't you get the fuck out of my face, Now!

In the sea of life you're just a minnow
Live your life insecure
Feel the pain of your needles
As they shit into my mind
You stole my life
Without a sigh
You sucked me dry
Won't you get the fuck out of my face, Now!

In the sea of life you're just a minnow
Live your life insecure
Feel the pain of your needles
As they shit into my mind

You stole my life
Without a sigh
You sucked me dry

Korn

thank you davis, for such an optimistic view on the many faceless.
hmmm...just reporting in to put in an idea.
i honestly dont know what ill think of it by morning, but what the hell.
i may just remember enough details to actually render them.
ive had quite a few dreamscapes buggin me, and though theyre not particularly disturbing, i cant find the strength to scratch them on canvas with detailed accuracy-at least, not for long.
im torn between not doing them at all or doing them all as accurate as possible.
you see, if i paint them, ill have to numb myself completely to what i draw, only using that intuitive passive anger that always fuels my art, whilst i kinda wander and lose myself in the music i listen to whilst drawing it...or i could keep the vitality of the dreams and the volatile ferocity and cruelty and pain to them, but never show anyone what it looks like. and of course, if i paint them, theyll never have that kind of vividniss about it, and therefore lose its luster...
eh.
thats my dilemma.
the interesting part is that im really noticing colors in them.
one, a beautiful combination of yellow and black-a room...poeesque reminiscing of the masque of the red death.
horrible dream, but otherwise interesting colors-i wonder what it meant psychologically..
another, a radioactive dog of sorts, rotting from within.
black and green. though this is common, the dog was a horrible sight.
and a gift, on top of it, in the dream.
a red tunnel, like there was fire on the bottom of the pit. dark red.
also something there to counter that red, which was a pale glowing blue.
a dead gray wolf, lying on its side, with purple glowing eyes.
odd.
and a cavern thats black and glowing blue water-radioactive purple from the outside.
these, and a few creatures.
interesting, not frightening at all.
a mini horned owl, a vulture with a crows skull perched on its shoulders where its head should be.
an eagle with its eyes getting eaten by worms and maggots.
and one other...cant remember...
meh. okay, a few them slightly off color, but not disturbing compared to other things.
the owl i actually want to develop.
cute as all hell.
but ill wait for the details here, so you all can see for yourselves.
i swear, i get all my ideas from dreams and subconscious thoughts.

all these, i deliberately avoid the "meat" of the dreams, mainly because it would be impossible to put on paper. im just wanting the strangely symbolic colors and the beautiful contrasts.
lol-just backgrounds and weird scenes that focus on nothing but the room or just the window.
so yes.
a few ideas i dont wanna write off when morning comes round.
i know im gonna try. ~Anathema6205 http://Anathema6205.deviantart.com/journal/14911841/ http://Anathema6205.deviantart.com/journal/14911841/ Thu, 04 Oct 2007 11:53:07 PDT I had a horrible dream that the angels were screaming...to hear such a gut-wrenching and agonizing sound split the abysmal darkness...
I felt my devastated heart cease to beat...it was like the whole of me was completely erased in that split second-
My soul dismembered,
my purpose completely abolished...
my wraith-like existence...
...echoing for an eternity...

I would be crying tears of laughter
If I could see me smile again

I still reach for the stars, but all I touch is my horizon
I still believe my eyes, but all I see is my blindness
I still reach for the stars, but all I touch is my horizon
I still believe my ears, but all I hear is lasting silence

Like a disciple of a witness
I judge upon my sacred eye
Still found the origin
In what's left of me inside

Can I call this my burden
Or is this just my dream to fly ?

Weaker, weaker every day
I forgot my urge to fly away

And is my life as bare as it is ?
Cold and lonely enough ?
Have you achieved what you were longing for ?
Sad enough this cannot be undone

I drop my eyes and shiver as I see
The reflection in the mirror of me

Have you given up, my friend ?
Forgiveness be mine

Diary of Dreams

yes, im doing alright. im in the process of getting a few jobs.
ive kinda lost myself again, along with the will to do anything worthwhile.
when i do have the time do get something done-even those ideas that float around in my head of my characters-i just cant do it.
i feel sick everytime i pick up a pencil.
my vision starts to blur and my head starts to swim as soon as i focus on anything.
i think its all in my head.
ive gone this long without sleep, and i didnt usually feel this bad.
no, its in my head.
i dont want to watch my favorite movies, i dont want go out with any of my friends, i dont want to even sit down and fill my growling stomach with something.
i dont even want to play zelda. doodle.
listening to music is the only thing i can do, aside from lay on my back.
whenever im doing anything else, i feel like shit.
augh.
hopefully i get out of this rut soon.
i feel like im losing my mind.

Member of:
http://Anathema6205.deviantart.com/journal/14799735/ Wed, 26 Sep 2007 12:26:17 PDT I had a horrible dream that the angels were screaming...to hear such a gut-wrenching and agonizing sound split the abysmal darkness...
I felt my devastated heart cease to beat...it was like the whole of me was completely erased in that split second-
My soul dismembered,
my purpose completely abolished...
my wraith-like existence...
...echoing for an eternity...

I see a red door and I want it painted black
No colors anymore I want them to turn black
I see the girls walk by dressed in their summer clothes
I have to turn my head until my darkness goes
I see a line of cars and theyre all painted black
With flowers and my love both never to come back
I see people turn their heads and quickly look away
Like a new born baby it just happens every day
I look inside myself and see my heart is black
I see my red door and it has been painted black
Maybe then Ill fade away and not have to face the facts
Its not easy facin up when your whole world is black

No more will my green sea go turn a deeper blue
I could not foresee this thing happening to you
If I look hard enough into the settin sun
My love will laugh with me before the mornin comes

I see a red door and I want it painted black
No colors anymore I want them to turn black
I see the girls walk by dressed in their summer clothes
I have to turn my head until my darkness goes

I wanna see it painted, painted black
Black as night, black as coal
I wanna see the sun blotted out from the sky
I wanna see it painted, painted, painted, painted black

Rolling Stones

fuck yeah, paint everything black.

im fired.
wanna know why?
i had a bad attitude.
i stuck up for myself when people tried
to blame shit on me i didnt do.
i fought the accusations.
now i have no job.
its a lose-lose situation.
if i didnt fight, i wouldve gotten fired.
if i did.. well. i did.
is everyone happy now?
im gone.
now i have to find a way to find a job before the end of the month.
ppfh.
this is gonna be great.

Member of:
~Anathema6205 http://Anathema6205.deviantart.com/journal/14773294/ http://Anathema6205.deviantart.com/journal/14773294/ Mon, 24 Sep 2007 14:01:04 PDT I had a horrible dream that the angels were screaming...to hear such a gut-wrenching and agonizing sound split the abysmal darkness...
I felt my devastated heart cease to beat...it was like the whole of me was completely erased in that split second-
My soul dismembered,
my purpose completely abolished...
my wraith-like existence...
...echoing for an eternity...

What'cha gonna do and
what'cha gonna feel
when suddenly I slip away?

Almost am a ghost
of who I use to be
yesterday

How you gonna touch
and how will you collect
the beauty when it turns to dust?

Everything we make
the cells we generate
are both of us

Please be aware that I am you
Nothing could be more certain
This ain't the time
the place
for us to understand this life

Hold you in my arms
I'll hold you in my gaze
singing with my dying breath

Underneath this earth
I'd resurrect your soul and nothing less

Sorry for the space
if I could fill the void
an ocean wouldn't hold the love

And everything I have
and all I ever was is not enough

Please be aware that I am you,
Nothing could be more certain,
This ain't the time,
the place
for us to understand this life

This ain't the time
the place for us to understand this life

I will forget me
I will forget me
I will forget me

I will protect you
I will protect you
I will protect you
I will protect you
I will protect you...

KoRn

A Song that fits my feelings perfectly. My dreams have been a constant torment-annoying as hell.
im fine during the day-i mean, slight hallucinations and dizzy spells, been kinda sick lately, my back is raw as all hell. it feels like someone poured acid all over it. but anyway. i dont worry about that too much- falling asleep where i stand.
this i worry about.
im on the road way too often to be falling asleep like that.
ive almost gotten fired cuz i got framed by one of the people i work with. no shit.
long story short, they sent something through i was supposed to catch, which i didnt. they told the boss they were "testing" me, cuz i looked tired. my boss was suggesting i was sleeping on the job.
fuckers.
in reality, one of my "friends" were talking to me while that other idiot sent this through-and what they were saying was upsetting me enough to where all i saw was black.
state of mind sucks here, people.
lay off the insomniac, will ya?
why do you have to scratch at my nerves, see how long it takes for me to snap back?
but on the good side of this,
as always, bad depressing, life-choking shit always ups my art skills and creativity by a million points.
ive been drawing nonstop, everywhere i get the chance to.
ive been wanting to get a few stories out of my head.
in particular, the ones with my elemental characters.
In the original, there were only three elemental "dogs", but with this art rage i got goin, theres going to be alot more chars.
the main storyline follows torrent,
but i think im going to introduce the others as well that didnt originally play such a big role.
tikal the jackal, which a wip is in my scraps if you havent seen it,
is a fire elemental, and i have a few others swimmin around my head-each type of large dog/horse creature of a particular area around the world.
a celtic one,which will be a thin white hound, a shadow/midnight elemental, thus named Desden insofar. an ice, air, even blood and emotions are coming up as decent options.
lol-oh, im getting to be like the greeks and their bloody mythology.
twenty different gods for the same element.
these dog/wolf gods are whats keepin me sane right now-
how i keep myself awake and still ticking.
nothing else seems to help.
im hopin they have a future somewhere along the way.

oh yeah, and i finally finished zelda, twilight.
absolutely beautiful.
i added a few things to tikal that were inspired by zelda-esque design. im sure youll all laugh.
its also zelda thats keepin me towards a stylized style to my wolfie chars. i think thats half the charm of zelda-realistic but stylized at the same time. same with final fantasy VII-which is my favorite animated movie of all time-stylized realism to the very extreme.
anyhow. im rambling.
but i did have somethin to say.
my arts finally taking a turn for the better,
and im tired as all fuck, but im far from done.
all my energies go into school and art.
i could really care less about what people are saying righ... ]]> ~Anathema6205 http://Anathema6205.deviantart.com/journal/14698931/ http://Anathema6205.deviantart.com/journal/14698931/ Wed, 19 Sep 2007 09:33:34 PDT I had a horrible dream that the angels were screaming...to hear such a gut-wrenching and agonizing sound split the abysmal darkness...
I felt my devastated heart cease to beat...it was like the whole of me was completely erased in that split second-
My soul dismembered,
my purpose completely abolished...
my wraith-like existence...
...echoing for an eternity...


oh, my god...
just watch this.
i couldnt stop laughing.
"baaabieeees eeeverywheeeere!!!!" XDDD
[link]

Member of:
]]> ~Anathema6205 http://Anathema6205.deviantart.com/journal/14696113/ http://Anathema6205.deviantart.com/journal/14696113/ Wed, 19 Sep 2007 03:11:57 PDT I had a horrible dream that the angels were screaming...to hear such a gut-wrenching and agonizing sound split the abysmal darkness...
I felt my devastated heart cease to beat...it was like the whole of me was completely erased in that split second-
My soul dismembered,
my purpose completely abolished...
my wraith-like existence...
...echoing for an eternity...

yes, just got finished writing an essay about tim burton, and i just realized how much i really adore the guy.
i used to watch nightmare before christmas and edward scissorhands and the batmans nonstop when i was young-and once i got older, i understood all the little metaphors he put into them.
so underrated.
and misunderstood.
oh, and yall remember dr. seuss?
oh, how i remember him.
i understood perfectly what he was saying, even when i was younger.
its all so simple.
i couldnt understand why adults didnt understand. or care.
people always used to make fun of me cuz i was so dark and creepy.
yet, i really dont think i was.
quirky, definitely.
odd, oh yes.
even strange was an accurate word.
but i grew up with books as my best friends.
and such books.
i read at college level when i was in the fourth grade.
i read all the classics-from dracula to poe.
oh, how i loved white fang, the picture of dorian gray.
i didnt fancy lost world as much as jurassic park though.
lovecraft! oh, what a discovery.
i was dancin up and down, let me tell you.
my imagination, really, was what was rampant.
always the day dreamer. the one in the back of the class.
i actually acquired the unfortunate nickname of "the little ghost."
(gasps-little known fact revealed!)
but anyway.
yeah. not creepy. just different.
never quite fit in.
you know the story.
in which i didnt mind, but people wouldnt leave me alone.
even the teachers followed up with the students.
i dont understand why gothic is considered bad.
if youre gothic, youre merely a melancholy romantic.
you see everything in a certain light, a certain beauty.
like burton-his ideas behind all those movies arent malicious.
theyre actually quite innocent.
they speak of purity.
its just because of the way his characters are all warped to fit the metaphor that makes it look dark.
at first glance, a boy with scissors for hands sounds gruesome-
but you really look at it, its actually quite tragic, but cute in a strange way.
looks are deceiving.
lol-but never has it been for me.
when i look at someone, i see who and what they are right away.
what they have inside, whether theyre good or bad in a sense of morality, can be picked up right away.
i see this, why cant everyone else?
all that nonsense about people who can hide who they are really well-well, you can tell if they do that too.
hmm.
i think im reading too many psych books.
a whole list just came to mind on what i see-
posture, tone in their voice, eye contact, hand gesture, even their lip movement. handwriting tells so much, but not as much as the words. im such a sucker for eloquence. but that leaves me victim to the intelligent wolves of this world.
lol-unfortunately, i havent run into too many people whove outsmarted me in their cunning and deception.
one in particular i know, who was a freakin fox-
and completely captured my heart.
simplicity yet complexity completely plagued his being.
he did have good in him...and alot of it,
i still believe that-
just too cunning for his own good.
he tore my heart out, though i dont think he meant for it to happen.
you see, i get wounded at the most trivial things-
for him, it was him just digging himself into a hole.
his lies...he kept himself from everyone...soon, he ceased to know who he himself was...
then...
...
such a brilliant mind, giving in and giving up.
i trusted in him to keep me going-just seeing him and talking to him made everything worthwhile.
but that was a mistake.
when you give everything,
be prepared to lose everything.
do it knowing youre going to die soon.
then youll know if its worth it.

of course, i dont regret it, but im paying now.
and probably forever.
its been years, and still that gaping wound is there.
its the most dangerous game, and one that youll ultimately lose.
its uncontrollable, no matter how little or how much of yourself you give.
...i think its funny how society works.
a little muse like this one is considered pathetic and emo.
im complaining. ~Anathema6205 http://Anathema6205.deviantart.com/journal/14527425/ http://Anathema6205.deviantart.com/journal/14527425/ Fri, 07 Sep 2007 23:16:33 PDT I had a horrible dream that the angels were screaming...to hear such a gut-wrenching and agonizing sound split the abysmal darkness...
I felt my devastated heart cease to beat...it was like the whole of me was completely erased in that split second-
My soul dismembered,
my purpose completely abolished...
my wraith-like existence...
...echoing for an eternity...

kinda tired of seeing that old rant up there.
took up half my bloody page.
oh, those horrible people, taunting me to go back to sleep.

so more drawings are gonna come in, as soon as i get my photoshop back up. it died halfway through my summer, (i think ive said that before...) but the good thing here is i finally got myself a laptop. *celebrates*
bad thing here is it doesnt work right now.
wonky i know.
but im too damn busy with work and school anyway to even get on a computer for long.
and the scans are ginormous, or id just post as is.
so!
...
state fair is coming up again.
no contest entries from me, but nonetheless, im gonna try and go to see all the local artists.
and turkey legs.
mm.
contests are hard to win there anyway, damn them and their stupid themes.
ah yes.
and im officially blind in one eye today.
i woke up with my eye all swollen and a bloody nose.
hurhur.
my dreams were actually quite amusing though.
so now my visions all blurry.
i hate blurry vision.
mm.
rambling again.
im debating on whether i should put something worthwhile reading.
no, ive ranted too much already.
besides, whos serious anymore?

alright, ive wasted enough time.
adieu!


AH YES!!
just a something of note.
im officially a fucktard.
i hate being so damn cold.
so i found out one of my good friends is reeeeally interested in being with me-but it just so happens theyre a...lesbian.
hmm.
not working.
i felt bad for not snapping earlier,
at least push away before it got too personal...
ppfh.
i should learn my goddamn lesson, especially after my alleged claim of asexualism.
but she was careful in the order in which she told me all this, and kept asking wonky questions i simply shouldnt have answered.
so now im a homophobe, apparently.
no, i am no homophobe.
nor a heterophobe, if there is such a thing.
im neither.
gender is irrelevant.
sex is nothing.
affection, a gigantic questionmark for me.
i.
feel.
nothing.
period.

so no.

*sigh*
i must dump this tremendous pile of guilty stupidity somewhere.

Member of:
<... ]]> ~Anathema6205 http://Anathema6205.deviantart.com/journal/14394524/ http://Anathema6205.deviantart.com/journal/14394524/ Wed, 29 Aug 2007 11:48:03 PDT I had a horrible dream that the angels were screaming...to hear such a gut-wrenching and agonizing sound split the abysmal darkness...
I felt my devastated heart cease to beat...it was like the whole of me was completely erased in that split second-
My soul dismembered,
my purpose completely abolished...
my wraith-like existence...
...echoing for an eternity...

Don't fret precious I'm here, step away from the window
Go back to sleep
Safe from pain and truth and choice and other poison devils,
See, they don't give a fuck about you, like I do.

Count the bodies like sheep
Count the bodies like sheep

Counting bodies like sheep
To the rhythm of the war drums

Count the bodies like sheep

Go back to sleep
Go back to sleep

Counting bodies like sheep
To the rhythm of the war drums

Go back to sleep
Go back to sleep

Counting bodies like sheep
To the rhythm of the war drums

Go back to sleep
Go back to sleep

Counting bodies like sheep

Go back to sleep
Go to sleep [x14]
Go back to sleep
Go back to sleep
Go back to sleep

Counting bodies like sheep

Go back to sleep
Go back to sleep

Counting bodies like sheep

Go back to sleep
Go back to sleep

Counting bodies like sheep
To the rhythm of the war drums

Go back to sleep
Go back to sleep

Counting bodies like sheep
To the rhythm of the war drums

Go back to sleep
Go back to sleep

Counting bodies like sheep
To the rhythm of the war drums
To the rhythm of the war drums

I’ll be the one to protect you from your enemies and all your demons
I'll be the one to protect you from a will to survive and a voice of reason
I'll be the one to protect you from your enemies and your choices son
They're one in the same, I must isolate you…
Isolate and save you from yourself …


A Perfect Circle

i hate people.
why cant they just leave me in fucking peace?
i dont bother anyone-i dont speak to anyone.
why do they fuckin love to torment me?
i just want to be left.
alone.
thats it.
fuck, prejudice just never fuckin ends.
just because i dress differently, i must be a worthless punk.
just because i have short hair means im a fuckin dike.
because of what i draw and what i listen to,
i must be a worthless piece of suicidal shit, nothing more can become of me.
im a seething alcoholic crack whore.
im the poison that eats away at this oh so perfect world.
the reason why everything is going to the shitter.
and nothing is getting better. the weak-minded, the depressed and self destructive, the ignorant and blasphemous...
the future is nothing- the result of a negligent and shallow society.
we are the ones without hope-without a home, without morals.
without a past.

...
...
...tell me, what the fuck is this about?
Do you all agree? those that are in my generation?
are we the hopeless?
the weak?
does this sound like today???

FUCK THAT.
this is what we were given-a world of blood and corruption.
greed.
lust.
decadence.
self-in-fucking-dulgence.
noone cares for anyone other than themselves.
that.
is the problem.

we are at war
with ourselves.


we are the mirror of what we were raised with.
if raised by anyone at all.
children are always the mirror.
you look at yourself when you see us.

but you dont see that, do you?
you see a worthless gutter punk, sold their soul for drugs.
perfect parents, right, but the kid was rotten..
go ask them, im sure they have a hell of a story to tell.

you dont see the past agonies that they have overcome...
a cry for help is nothing to you, is it?...


stop being so cruel.
never judge anyone by how they look.
if someone asks for help, it means they need it.
it doesnt matter what they look like-
doesnt matter what may happen to you.
get your ass over there and do the right fucking thing.
stop being such fucking pussies and following the fucking crowd.
passing over the ones that really need help...
to throw riots over something stupid and insignificant-when the real injustices are happening right under your nose.
every single fuckin day.
on the streets and in the slums.
in your own fucking neighborhood, with that kid that comes out of his house with half his... ]]> ~Anathema6205 http://Anathema6205.deviantart.com/journal/14346807/ http://Anathema6205.deviantart.com/journal/14346807/ Sun, 26 Aug 2007 09:56:28 PDT I had a horrible dream that the angels were screaming...to hear such a gut-wrenching and agonizing sound split the abysmal darkness...
I felt my devastated heart cease to beat...it was like the whole of me was completely erased in that split second-
My soul dismembered,
my purpose completely abolished...
my wraith-like existence...
...echoing for an eternity...

Are you ready?!

This place inside my mind, a place I like to hide
You don't know the chances. What if I should die?!
A place inside my brain, another kind of pain
You don't know the chances. I'm so blind!

Another place I find to escape the pain inside
You don't know the chances. What if I should die?!
A place inside my brain, another kind of pain
You don't know the chances. I'm so blind!

Deeper!.. Deeper!.. Deeper inside me!
To live a life that seems to be a lost reality
That can never find a way to reach.
My inner self
I stand alone!
How deep can I go in the ground that I lay?
If I don't find a way to see through the gray that clouds my mind.
This time I look to see what's between the lines!

I can see, I can see, I'm going blind...
I can see, I can see, I'm going blind...
I can see, I can see, I'm going blind...
I can see, I can see, I'm going blind...
I can see, I can see, I'm going blind...
I'm blind
I'm blind
I'm blind
I'm blind!!!

KORN

oh.
hoh, my god.
korn live.
mother.
fuckin.
ROCKED.

korn has earned another holy shit godliness level.
family values tour, with evanescence, trivium, atreyu, hell yeah, droid, and flyleaf.
atreyu was good, they played right side of the bed and began with fat bottom girl from queen.
trivium, though i have to say theyre better live than on their albums.
hell yeah, played stone cold crazy, with vinnie paul of pantera and the dude from mudvayne.
lots of tribute to dime there.
they werent bad.
flyleaf blew.
they ran off the stage the first five seconds into their show, and made us wait for an hour and a half to play crappy songs.
even evanescence was alright.

but korn was worth the fuckin wait.
they got four encores.
they started with evolution, then faget, ever be, coming undone then ended with another brick in the wall and goodbye cruel world.
they had a laser show, fog, red lights everywhere.
the crowd went nuts, i dont think a single person left when they said goodbye.
first encore was freak on a leash,
which, lets just say stoked all of us.
then one from the self titled, dead bodies everywhere, and finally blind.
even then, they had to stay on the stage so people would eventually leave-throwing out drumsticks and such to the crowd.

davis fuckin rocks.
hes one crazy mother fucker.
sounds even better live-and he knows how to stoke the crowd.
the bassist is still fuckin badass.
monkey, fuck yeah.
alot of fucks there, lol, but wow, what a damned amazing show.

i came out of there fuckin exhausted and with no voice whatsoever.
oh, and a busted lip. lmao
lol-and my dreams kept me getting out of bed every five minutes, so im still pretty drained.
weird ass fuckin dreams.
thats what i get for being around all that weed for twelve hours straight.
i dont think ive ever headbanged as hard as i did there.
wow. fuck. yeah.
...
hah.

yeah.
so now im on a korn obsession rampage again, so expect all kinds of their shit polluting my journal lyrics.

well, it feels like i got it back- that extra fuckin shove, and im ready to box.
fuck yeah, ready to fuckin roll.


hurhur.
oh yeah.
[link]
funny as all hell.
a must see.
pinin for the fjords...lmao

and two bands ive been introduced by some close friends-
completely addicted now, so thankz!!
Sonata Arctica and Lullacry
Vale http://Anathema6205.deviantart.com/journal/14301752/ Thu, 23 Aug 2007 10:17:11 PDT I had a horrible dream that the angels were screaming...to hear such a gut-wrenching and agonizing sound split the abysmal darkness...
I felt my devastated heart cease to beat...it was like the whole of me was completely erased in that split second-
My soul dismembered,
my purpose completely abolished...
my wraith-like presence...
...echoing for an eternity...

I know I've been mistaken
But just give me a break and
see the changes that I've made
I've got some imperfections
But how can you collect them all
and throw them in my face

I hope you're not intending
To be so condescending
it's as much as i can take
and you're so independent
you just refuse to bend
so I keep bending till I break

But you always find a way
to keep me right here waiting
You always find the words to say
to keep me right here waiting
And if you chose to walk away
I'd still be right here waiting
Searching for the things to say
to keep you right here waiting

I've made a commitment
I'm willing to bleed for you
I needed fulfillment
I found what I need in you

Why can't you just forgive me
I don't want to relive all the
mistakes I've made along the way
But I always find a way
to keep you right here waiting
I always find the words to say
to keep you right here waiting

But you always find a way
To keep me right here waiting
You always find the words to say
to keep me right here waiting
And if I chose to walk away
would you be right here waiting
Searching for the things to say
to keep me right here waiting...

Staind

one of my emo songs-i used to listen to this one all the time, especially when i was dwelling on the past too much.
it helped with the shutting up of the screaming in my head.
ah, memories.
ive had a really fun time wracking my brain with my past for whatever reason-perhaps because people have been trying to claw their way into my head-see why im always upset/ mute.
i realize how many secrets i really have-and how many have made me into who and what i am.
one of my best friends told me one of her "darkest" secrets the other day-she started to get emotional, etc.
i felt for her, but i couldnt help but wonder-if she thinks this is so damn dark and horrible...what are mine...
mine are infinitely worse...
i dont think ive told anyone the worst,
and i dont think i ever can.
of course, i write out my emotions constantly, but never the reason.
i cant stand to see the reason on paper.
or anywhere.
i am dark, i am extremely secretive, even to the point of being manipulative.
i hate my past, along with everything that goes with it.
everyone wants to know what went wrong.
im going to tell you-

everything.

i am wrong.

ive been given chances for redemption-and everytime,
ive had to tear it up in anger and frustration.
its all mental. i cannot let it go.
i will not.
its so hard grained into my soul that its impossible to feel any other way.
call me closed minded.
selfish.
closed off.

and impossible to please.
yes, i probably am.
nothing can be solved with me.
nothing can be good enough.
yet i waste my time on everything else-
all the bullshit that everyone else thinks is so damn important.
i miss whats important to me.
i throw away the most important thing on the planet...time.
i want to do so much, see so much, change...
but nothing ever does change.
i change myself, nothing else does.
only my age.
ugh.
i,i,i,me,me,me.
im disgusted with myself.
always about me.
the real me isnt anything-
but ugly and pointless.
never, never, never, never.
that word kills me.
such a simple word, yet its weight i cant bear.
never will understanding come, not even the smallest bit.
never will anything amount to anymore than nothing.
my prized possessions are nothing to everyone else.
my most precious ideals are trivial to everyone else.
never will my mind just
SHUT
UP.
AND
SHUT
OFF.
nothing is impossible.
thats what i say.
but my past says otherwise.
everything ive done up to this point has led where?
where in the fuck am i???
ive fought endlessly and have gotten nowhere.
im as lost as the day i began.
lost in a hell that never reaches the end.
i see beauty that can never be mine.
i feel emotions that can never be explained.
i sing a song t... ]]> ~Anathema6205 http://Anathema6205.deviantart.com/journal/14269811/ http://Anathema6205.deviantart.com/journal/14269811/ Tue, 21 Aug 2007 09:41:18 PDT I had a horrible dream that the angels were screaming...to hear such a gut-wrenching and agonizing sound split the abysmal darkness...
I felt my devastated heart cease to beat...it was like the whole of me was completely erased in that split second-
My soul dismembered,
my purpose completely abolished...
my wraith-like presence...
...echoing for an eternity...

alright, ive finally finished salvaging what was left of my work.
damage ranged from bends, rips and tears to broken glass and blood splatters and smears. lol-it looked like a bloody crime scene.
bodily damage? minimal-cuts, abrasions, bruises-the worst is probably the inside of my mouth, which caused the abundance of red on my drawings, and glass in my knees.
...dont ask.
i told you i think im insane.
why? cuz i know exactly how this sounds.
shitty, huh?
but you really dont know the half of it.
but im not worried about all that though.
wounds heal, state of mind changes.
my drawings are another story though.

so heres a status report.



i was devastated with this one..this piece was framed.
this was the one that cut the hell out of my arms and hands with the glass and left me in itchy as fuck bandages for nearly two weeks. *sigh*
needless to say...blood on the canvas, bent to all hell-i had to crop the worst of it, and smeared graphite everywhere...in other words, irreparable. this ones' getting hidden away for an eternity-im going to try and rework some of it...maybe itll be worth something in my hall of shame in a few hundred years.


frame is trashed, but otherwise, alright.
thank god for window matting.


still in perfect condition.


bent edges, but itll live-so to speak.


small indentions from who the hell knows what,
torn a bit. im hesitant at cropping this one.


completely shredded. this one wasnt on illustration board, so it didnt hold out as well as the others... i cant believe im saying this.
i should make a commercial for this shit.
"use this illustration board instead of paper-you never know when youll go wonky. durable, dependable. *sarcastic thumbs up* "
*cringes and mopes*


slightly smeared, minimal damage to the work itself. just have to get it rematted.

and the rest that didnt survive. wow, im seriously getting depressed again.
http://Anathema6205.deviantart.com/journal/14134705/ Sun, 12 Aug 2007 14:26:00 PDT Don't tell me I'm wrong
Don't tell me that you knew all along
I won't roll over dead
Only I know what goes on in my head

I've got nothing to hide
I'm not guilty inside
I won't give up
After all I'm still crazy

I'm not going away, I'm not going
Try so hard to break me but all your diamonds turn to sand
I'm not going away, I'm not going
Say goodbye forever, I'll wait for you in no man's land

Get out of my way
There's nothing you can do to change what I say
I won't ever let go
I got the answer but you'll never know

I got my eyes open wide
Ain't gonna slip up or slide
Can't take me down
After all I'm still crazy

I'm not going away, I'm not going
Try so hard to break me but all your diamonds turn to sand
I'm not going away, I'm not going
Say goodbye forever, I'll wait for you in no man's land


I'm not going away...

I'm not going away, I'm not going
Try so hard to break me but all your diamonds turn to sand
I'm not going away, I'm not going
Say goodbye forever, I'll wait for you in no man's land
I'm not going away
I'm not going away
I'm not going away, I'm not going
Say goodbye forever, I'll wait for you in no man's land

Ozzy

okay, ive finally scanned my summer art, and i just finished a contest entry.
results of insomnia-lol.
but im not finished.
after all thats happened, im still the same.
a few cuts and bruises, but im not bleedin to death.
but im not going to worry about what might happen, what i know is coming.
because itll come regardless of how much i stay up scrabbling for a hold.
and everythingll fall into place-it always does.
so im going to ride this out.

Member of:
~Anathema6205 http://Anathema6205.deviantart.com/journal/14073349/ http://Anathema6205.deviantart.com/journal/14073349/ Wed, 08 Aug 2007 10:33:38 PDT Time has had it's way with me.
My broken tired hands cant build a thing.
The wires that have held me still
embedded now in flesh to find my will

The idle of my days is won,
the empty I have fed has made me numb,
Despite what you will find in me

The failures of my past just swirl beneath.

I need a heart that carries on through the pain
When the walls start collapsing again.
Give me a soul that never ceases to follow,
Despite the infection within

Our careless feet leaving trails
Neverminding the fragile dirt we all end in
Our careless feet leaving trails
Neverminding the fragile dirt we all end in

This is where I find my fall
the cares that held me alive don't work at all
And every step away from here
is closer to the plague I hold so dear.

I need a heart that carries on through the pain,
When the walls start collapsing again.
Give me a soul that never ceases to follow despite the infection within

Awaiting my end breathing in the day that finds me new
Redemption begins bleeding out the flaws in place of you
Awaiting my end breathing in the day that finds me new
Redemption begins
Redemption Begins

Demon Hunter

ugh.
i have the strongest urge to scream endless obscenities and cursings-
this is it.
fuck.
that is the epitome of everything that has come to happen.
but its not like it matters.
these dumb fuckers think that this will break me.
well, im not done.

...*sigh*
my family officially thinks im insane now.
i woke up with blood spewing from my mouth,
clawmarks on my arms and neck,
and my room completely trashed.
alot of my drawings are just kaput.
shredded.
my favorite statues are in pieces.
lots of irreplaceable things, just completely destroyed.
my drawings! my drawings...
im still in shock with that one.

and now they want me out.
they said i was in the middle of the floor hyper-ventilating and shaking.
they thought i was wide awake.
me? i dont remember any of it.
so now they think im crazy, violent and dangerous.

i am fortunate that no one was hurt..
and it hurts so much that what they said was true..
everything theyve said..
all those fights, for nothing.
they told me my tears were worth nothing,
they meant nothing.
i did all this on purpose...
they were right.

...i dont want to hurt anyone.
i dont want that happening ever again.
but i cant leave until i have my car payed off-
in two years.
without my car, i cant even get to work, because its twenty miles away, or i would leave instantly.
...what can i do?...
not sleep for two years?
the longest ive gone is a few months-
past that, it gets dangerous..
hallucinating, weight loss, lack of any strength,
major depression, passing out..and being hospitalized is a very last resort.
they force you to sleep...and thats my hell.

...i dont know.
im going to start looking for someplace.
school?
probably not anymore.
i have two terms payed for, and thats it.
after that, im stuck at a dead end, shitty ass job for years on end.
...but at least if that happens again, itll only be my problem.
hahhah, love.
thats shot out the window.
i wasnt kidding when i said it wasnt meant for me.
who would want to be with someone theyre afraid to touch?
get close to?
and with good reason.
vagabond from the very beginning.
and im happy that way, fuck it all.
at the least, im not the one causing any more fuckin pain.
a home...no such thing for me.
...

well, some of this does hold some interest to you guys.
im selling whatevers' left of my art.
ill set up online payment for anybody interested thats far away.
i dont want it with me.
id rather have someone else enjoy it.
let me know if you want any-trust me, youd be doin me a tremendous favor.

my art is the only physical evidence that i have a shred of human decency in me.
i dont care where i am, who i am...
im not giving up-this is my only talent, my only calling.
the only thing that can make me happy.
maybe my mind will finally be silenced someday.

...im going to fight for awhile longer,
continue on with my life as best i could-im going to pretend im not a reckless beast, tearing everything apart thats' set before me.
that nothings' wrong with me.
ill continue with all the "little insignificant" things in my life that keep me sane.

but no more justification.
i have... ]]> ~Anathema6205 http://Anathema6205.deviantart.com/journal/14043677/ http://Anathema6205.deviantart.com/journal/14043677/ Mon, 06 Aug 2007 12:34:42 PDT
Do you believe in heaven above?
Do you believe in love?
Don't tell me a lie
Don't be false or untrue
It all comes back to you

Open fire on my burning heart
I've never been lucky in love
My defences are down
A kiss or a frown
I can't survive on my own

If a girl walks in
And carves her name in my heart
I'll turn and run away
Everyday we've all been led astray
It's hard to be lucky in love

It get's in your eyes
It's making you cry
Don't know what to do
Don't know what to do
You are looking for love
Calling heaven above

Send me an angel
Send me an angel
Right now
Right now

Send me an angel
Send me an angel
Right now
Right now

Empty dreams can only disappoint
In a room behind your smile
But don't give up, don't give up
You can be lucky in love

It get's in your eyes
It's making you cry
Don't know what to do
Don't know what to do
Looking for love
Calling heaven above

Send me an angel
Send me an angel
Right now
Right now

Send me an angel
Send me an angel
Right now
Right now

It get's in your eyes
It's making you cry
Don't know what to do
Don't know what to do

Send me an angel
Send me an angel
Right now
Right now

Send me an angel
Send me an angel
Right now
Right now

Send me an angel
Right now
Right now

Zeromancer


...if only i had an angel.

ive always loved this song, one of the first i heard from them.
this one inspired a few of my recent drawings, which you all shall see soon.
this one always reminds me of deathnote for some reason though. O_o
lol-deathnote...
one comment on that-L kicks so much ass.
or kicked.
whatever.
ive been trying to draw him in his trivial position in the chair, but alas.

oh, btw,
anybody know how to remove flesh from bone?
lol-i pay no mind to the incredulous looks i get from this, along with the slow backing away-
you see, im going to have a bear head pretty soon sitting in my garage, and i dont exactly want the smell of rotting flesh emanating through my house.

any hunters?
the few that i know said to boil it, but it damages the skull.
anybody know a better way?

hrm.
yes, another pointless post.
i really need to get a scanner.

Member of:
~Anathema6205 http://Anathema6205.deviantart.com/journal/14026512/ http://Anathema6205.deviantart.com/journal/14026512/ Sun, 05 Aug 2007 09:45:49 PDT
You're the infection my friend
Disgusting right to the end
Didn't I know it then?
I knew it, I knew it

You're basic, but hard to define
Simple yet somehow sublime
Knew you would strike again
I knew it, I knew it

You're all that's wrong
With your dumbass song
Yet that's all that you will ever be
Nothing you can do 'cause
That's all that you will ever be

Polished, you shimmer and shine
But rotten and seething inside
Everyone falls for this
I knew it, I knew it

You're all that's wrong
With your dumbass song
Yet that's all that you will ever be
Nothing you can do 'cause
That's all that you will ever be

Ever be, never be, want to be god
All to be, made to be, holding the sun
Throwing it, breaking it, over your grave
Sending you back to the place you once came

It must be hard to be you
Nothing's alright with you

You're all that's wrong
With your dumbass song
Yet that's all that you will ever be
Nothing you can do 'cause
That's all that you will ever be

Ever be never be wannabe
You will never be
You want to be God
It's all God
It's all gone
Korn



interesting song, and for those who havent heard the nu album, id suggest at least mooching it off me.
korns style has changed yet again, but i still dig it.
i just disagree with the downntune of davis' vocals.
this is what makes korn, in my opinion.
they used to be so powerful, now the guitar is drowning him out.
bleah.

but ah yes, what am i up to.
drawing a whole ton, and going oc with detail, so not as horrid as my past doodles.
i may actually have somethin worthy of posting.
hrm.
right...
thats what i keep telling myself.

and im very hungry at the moment..
hmm. i should eat.

got 300. i dancing in circles when i finally got it.
disappointed though-all the detail kinda disappeared once it got on a small screen.
*cries*
beautiful nonetheless.
watched stir of echoes and the reaping.
the reaping, in which i just didnt get.
i feel absolutely null brained right now, so thats maybe why.
(null???)
got myself some nu dio, the very beast of dio i think its called.
i lurve that cd. *cuddles*
it was going to be a gift, but the gods of rock were just tempting me with all that horrid plastic around the case...
i just had to rip it open.
horrid, no?
so much for my good deeds.

but yes, the song.
not a happy one, but i cant stop listening to this one and hushabye, for whatever reason.

i swear i had something to say.
i cant remember.
my memory is so shot, and its getting worse-i cant remember what i did yesterday.
@_@


ah yeah! i was going to ask about the ozzfest this year-was anybody rippped? i heard alot of controversy goin around, saying ozzy fucked everybody over for a crummy show.
people didnt get the tickets they were promised for buying his album, parking was 20 bucks, so you payed normal price for a shitty no name band show?
yeah, thats what i heard.

but yeah, thats not what i was going to say.
anyway.
im rambling.
i need food.
*zombies and bites*
@_@
i may be back once i get some unhealthy shit in my system and finally wake up.

adieu.

Member of:
~Anathema6205 http://Anathema6205.deviantart.com/journal/13859168/ http://Anathema6205.deviantart.com/journal/13859168/ Wed, 25 Jul 2007 07:50:35 PDT
Disappear
Disappear
Higher
Higher
Into the air
Slowly disappear
No, no longer here

Disappear
Disappear
Thinner, thinner
Into the air

Never really here
What that never
Like a thought brushing up against a sigh
Floating away
Floating away...

Vanishing like a cyan Sunday
Disappear
Disappear
Vanish, vanish into the air
Slowly disappear
Never really here

Floating away
Floating away...

A Perfect Circle

this guys' voice is so damned soothing.
eerie, but strangely soothing because of it.
a male siren, my friends.

yeah, feelin a bit like a ghost, so this seemed fitting.
hard night, but alas, everything keeps moving, so i have to as well.
im in desperate need of traveling-leaving and not lookin back for awhile.
just fly down the interstate until theres no more road left.
if only i could.
but if i did attempt this, i would undoubtedly be made a vagabond.
and as much as i wouldnt mind that, there are still things here that i need to see through.
so i suppose my rebellious-for-the-hell-of-it nature has to be set on hold for awhile.
i dunno.
i have a really bad feeling-like something is looming in the distance that cant be avoided, that i cant overcome.
it feels like im running out of time.
its hard to explain, but thats what it feels like.
that i should be preparing for it now...
but for what...?

eh. this just sucks.
i dread phone calls, and every coming morning.
or maybe im just getting tired.
how long has it been since ive actually had a break, no work, school, fucked up little happenings?
just to unwind?
i really cant recall.
i want to say about five years, but that doesnt sound right.
damn, my memory bites.
hmm.
sorry, a little more downtuned from my last entry.
the smell of weed tends to get me ticked off and edgy like this.
...
...i wont go any further with that. lol

im not bad.

*coughs*
anyway.
so yeah. it feels like my heart is working overtime all day long-i cant seem to catch my breath-or im about to get hit by a car or something.
im snapping at everyone. very irritable. skittish.
*paranoid glance*
this is bad-i almost tore off my bosses' head the other day for bitching too much.
hrm. kinda need my job. this is getting out of hand.

stupid.
just a bad case of stupidity.

but i think it will pass within a few weeks.
let the past remain behind me.
ill forget.
*nods*

EDIT-
so i reread this just now and i realized i didnt put the reasons for feelin shitty.
ppfh.
i realize life can share an uncanny resemblence to a freak rainstorm.
one minute im just as happy as i could manage, loving the simplicity of life, the next, out of freaking nowhere, im about to lose everything thats important.

so spit it out, anathema, whats wrong?
well, im on the verge of losing my home, car and job.
i might not be able to attend school for much longer either.
the works.
my job, well, theyre pissed cuz i refused to come to work on the day of my friends' services. they filed it as unexcusable because he wasnt a family member.
theyre such bitches.
when my boss told me that, i just kinda walked away so i wouldnt punch him in the face.
uh-huh. he wasnt too happy with me.
and my car and home-if i cant find a way to work out my school dilemma, im probably sofl(shit outa fuckin luck-not a typo) and have to find a way to buy another car so i can get to work and find a place to stay.
on top of this, i feel like im letting the ones i love down.
the few who actually believe i can amount to something-
i can see the disappointment on their faces...everytime i do something insanely stupid.
and unavoidable-i do it before i realize what im doing.
im a complete idiot by nature.

but no, this isnt the looming stuff.
this just happens to be whats been keeping me up at night.
the looming, is ten times worse, if thats even possible.
and its getting worse.

augh.
okay, enough.
but yall know if i suddenly disappear without any warning, you know what happened. that means im screwed pretty hardcore and need a miracle to get out alright.

Member of:
http://Anathema6205.deviantart.com/journal/13794871/ Thu, 19 Jul 2007 12:26:11 PDT Contaminating the ground
The human race is dying
The dead are scattered around
What is the price of a bullet?
Another hole in the head
A flag draped over a coffin
Another soldier is dead

How many victims have fallen
How many more have to die
People dying in masses
Angel of death standing by

We've got our marching orders
Defenders of our home and our pride
We've crossed too many borders
Military suicide

War killing sons and daughters
Another failed attack
There is no turning back
Blood running down like water
You'll think you got away
Until the judgment day comes

Politicians confuse me
I watch the body count rise
Why are the children all marching
Into the desert to die?
The human psyche is twisted
The madness rising again
Another empire falling
I watch them dying in vain

We've got our marching orders
Defenders of our home and our pride
We've crossed too many borders
Military suicide

War killing sons and daughters
Another failed attack
There is no turning back
Blood running down like water
You'll think you got away
Until the judgment day comes

Are you ready?

Black rain, black rain
Black rain, black rain

War killing sons and daughters
Another failed attack
There is no turning back
Blood running down like water
You'll think you got away
Until the judgment day
You'll think you got away
Until your judgment day comes

Ozzy


*headbangs enthusiastically*
ozzy has gotten a bit better since his recent albums.
this one i actually like and dont mind blasting down the road.
i like this one cuz it brings the political coolness of the 70's music to the current issues.
the slower songs on this album is heartfelt, despite its utter sappiness and un-ozzy style. hes the bloody prince of darkness for christs' sake!! (no pun intended) why is he singing all emo and lovey dovey!!?!?!?
*snuggles fifty year old ozzy*
awww....
*gags*

so speaking of emo, i finally saw spiderman 3.
parkers love for that green day look completely cracked me up.
the whole time i was just giggling to myself in the theatre.
*chuckles* green day.
*chuckles again*
...


venom wasnt that hot.
im hoping they dont come up with another spiderman-please.
just let it die already.
venom was a malnutritioned spiderman with razor teeth.
*stamps around fuming*

oh! finally got the guts to draw vincent.
the vincent valentino.
*throws cat intestines into the wall*
its huooooge.
i dont think ive drawn anything this large before.
*nods*

*chuckles*
next week is my berthday, precious, yesssss....
i wantss it, i needsss it...
*stabs eyes out for geeking out that badly*

mmhmm.
and im sad cuz my gamecube died on me.
so no more zelda for me.
*cries pathetically*

okay.
im done jabbering.
*skitters of to work*

Member of:
~Anathema6205 http://Anathema6205.deviantart.com/journal/13767337/ http://Anathema6205.deviantart.com/journal/13767337/ Tue, 17 Jul 2007 08:17:49 PDT Out in the streets inspiration comes hard
the joker in the deck keeps handin' me his card
smilin' friendly he takes me in
then breaks my back in a game i can't win
jivin', hustiln', what's it all about?
everybody always wants the easy way out
thirty golden pieces for the judas kiss
what's a nice boy doin' in a place like this?

Never surrender - keep your dreams alive
Never surrender - hold your head up high

Modern apathetics; you got plenty of nothing to say
some are born to follow: some will make their own way
today you found a hero tomorrow you'll forget
you're lookin' for convenient truth you haven't found it yet
you don't make commitments no time for regrets
easy come and easy go and easy to forget
you don't ever take responsibility
don't you know that part of you is part of me

Never surrender - keep your dreams alive
Never surrender - hold your head up high

Never surrender, it's easier said than done
but you got to finish what's already begun
never, that's forever, seems like such a long time
but i only got one life to live - it's gonna be mine
Never surrender - we cannot be denied
Never surrender - spread your wings and fly

Triumph



Summer has always been hell.
every summer.
a tragedy or two always has to throw itself headlong into my beautiful june and july days.
*sigh*
my good friend and fellow artist was killed last week;
though i really havent the courage to write up an obituary for him right now, heres what you should know of him;
he was incredibly talented, kindhearted, quiet, and always so generous with his art.
he taught me the harder half of this career-that money isnt what matters. its the art. always the art.
hes the one that made me believe i could get somewhere.
be something.


...
i also want to ask you all something quite serious-
and no, im not a vampire.
if its possible for you, go donate blood.
i dont mean to sound like a whack, but ive never realized how vital the stuff is (and how much of a short supply we have) until now.
but why do i ask?

i told you the summer is like the bloody ides of march for me.
my uncle died just recently of cancer.
but most dont really know what this means.
they dont know about the agony these people go through every minute of every day..and their immeasurable will to live..

but back to the blood.
he needed enormous quantities of it pumped into his veins to keep him alive-he continuously bled out of every orifice all the blood that his body held.
pretty picture, huh?
everytime that happened, he looked like a corpse..
it was just willpower that held him to that body..i wanted so much to beg them to drain me, if only it would help him..
the doctors did as much as they could, and so did the family, but...
overall, i think it may have been that lack of blood that shortened his time here.

thats why im asking everyone who reads this to give as much as you can. there are some who go every week.
believe me when i say they need it-not just for people like my uncle, but for everyone that comes into er, needing that blood.
normal, everyday, healthy people.
it doesnt really hit you until its personal...and i wouldnt wish this feeling on anyone else.
it could be your brother, grandmother, parents, best friend...
you get the idea.
can you imagine your little sister dying on a surgery table because they couldnt get a donor for her blood type??

its worth giving, and it does help.
it does save lives.

for all you good catholics who are out doing so much good that you just dont have the time;
instead of spending two hours every sunday in a church pew,
go give some blood.
that would help the salvation of your soul more than the dead repetitious words of a half asleep priest.

at your convenience, it will never happen.
because none of us really have time.



...
given everything thats' happened, i should be down and out, right?
actually, im alright.
these kind of instances always leave me numb,
but this time around, i found myself some hope.
ill carve out something better than this reality, to make my everyday.



POSTNOOOOOOOOOTE!!!! *screams in annoying nasalish voice*

my gallery is pathetic.
no really.
*gags*
im going to take my vomit in a cup and toss it.
i feel insanely guilty for polluting this website with such crap.

adieu! :3

Member of:
~Anathema6205 http://Anathema6205.deviantart.com/journal/13632242/ http://Anathema6205.deviantart.com/journal/13632242/ Fri, 06 Jul 2007 09:33:02 PDT Much too many complications as to why, and It would probably put you all to sleep.
But I was knocked off my feet when I saw how many pageviews ive gotten, and I haven’t even been on-so thankz to everyone for the barrage of favs, comments and pageviews.
It’s a good feeling.

Ill have all of you know that I have been drawing, though obviously without my beloved wacom. It turns out that going completely mute really is an advantageous move when it comes to spilling emotions onto paper.
And I spare everyone from an assault of emoness.
I think its hilarious that people think im mysterious and oh so serious everywhere I go now.
It turns out even a fool can appear a genius if they just kept their trap shut.

Traveling just a little, get out of the routine.
Ive been writing more; since sleep eludes me.
And work. So repetitive my brains’ pretty much fried. Im surprised I can still type.

Im going to be back soon. At least I hope so-im going absolutely stir crazy.
My fingers itch for a keyboard.

so yeah, not dead.
yet.

Adieu, adieu, meh friends.

Member of:
~Anathema6205 http://Anathema6205.deviantart.com/journal/13093335/ http://Anathema6205.deviantart.com/journal/13093335/ Fri, 25 May 2007 20:14:26 PDT its been awhile since ive been able to do anything, much less grab some internets.
ive been pretty busy, working full time now.
havent drawn too much, im ashamed of myself.
im off for the summer from school, so i really have no excuse.
you would think id find some time to sleep, being off for so long.
my comps still kinda gone for awhile, so i have no way of getting my art up, so...yeah.
all pencil, and no scanner=absolute shit on da.
but yeah.
thats my update.
doing better than i thought id be.
oh, im putting out a petition for a tattoo, cause im dying to get one.
anyone who wants to do a really cool roman numeral 5, plain but a bit on the tribal side, id really preciate it.
ive been messing around with the design, but alas.
anyway, adieu my friends.

Member of:
]]> ~Anathema6205 http://Anathema6205.deviantart.com/journal/12834724/ http://Anathema6205.deviantart.com/journal/12834724/ Fri, 04 May 2007 00:36:31 PDT long legs in black jeans are much like a spiders',
ready to unfold at any moment.
"what are you doing here?.."

no answer.
just that damned grin again.
a menacing snarl snakes its way across his face.

hes not supposed to be here...
hes supposed to be dead.
i realize this with such a deep seated sorrow..
as i start to retreat out the door, he uncoils to his full height,
towering over me.
wrenching me back with razor blade claws.

blood everywhere.
chained to the floor-
hands and feet impaled with steel..
cold steel, burning everything...
hysterics.
the pain is blinding.
all i can see is the blood splattered ceiling.
my screams-
frantic-terror induced screams rip apart the very air that invades my blood satiated lungs.
he tears through my flesh, gnawing on the fractured ribs of my chest.
gore everwhere.

i can still feel-
i can still feel...

he bled me to make sure id die..
just not right away.

his teeth drive like nails into my veins,
numbing me only with pain.
i was begging for death.
but he wasnt listening.
he only waited until i lost consciousness...
i wouldnt.
a deep rage filled my entire being.

i spat blood in his face.
he cut open my mouth, to the jawbone,
no more muscles left to move now.
he crawled over me, body slick with blood,
settled on top of me.
piercing gaze.
his face directly over mine.
ebony hair matted with blood.
i couldnt move.
i couldnt breathe.
this was his moment.
he won.

jolting me awake, he sought to claim his prize.

he wrenched open my jaw and locked his mouth around mine.
his teeth, deadly as rusted nails.
i could feel my tongue being severed-
while i heard the tearing of flesh and crunch of bone as he drove the serrated knife deeper into my heart, ever so slowly..
as he whispered...
"I love you..."

Member of:
~Anathema6205 http://Anathema6205.deviantart.com/journal/12784994/ http://Anathema6205.deviantart.com/journal/12784994/ Mon, 30 Apr 2007 00:40:14 PDT
what can happen in the space of a second?
of a day?


everything.


im not entirely sure whether im awake or not.
i feel very strange.
ive never really had a pleasant dream.
it seems to me like im floating along with the silver notes i love so much.
silver.
mercury.

hmm.
i love silver.
i had a dream once with silver trees in it.
with red grass.

but what was i going to say?
oh, i dont know.
im trying to compose a strange song out of images.
a minuet out of pieces of sky.
a painting with nothing but water.

i think its fun to write down whatever without second guessing yourself.
its a nice feeling.
beyond caring?
perhaps.
perhaps in a good way.
this is when im most creative.
right now.
at two in the morning,
running on a bottle of coke and listening to the faint roar of the wind against the walls.
this is when i create my masterpieces.
i am at my lowest.
my mind has become nothing more than images and pure emotion.
i have no eloquence here.
no words.
words, words, words.
energy?
no, so that masterpiece wont really get finished.
but i do feel like my mind has quieted some-i dont care if its only for a few hours.
thatll do just fine.
some respite.
thats all i need.
lol and a better set of eyes.

but i think im going to use this time.
maybe ill be able to show myself to the artworld again soon.

im fine again.
a little too late, perhaps.
but yeah.
im humbly back, no longer waiting.
scrambling for a foothold.
a piece of me has gone,
but something else has replaced it.
what, i cant say for sure.
its much too early in the game to be sure of anything.

but one end is another beginning.

that black is really gray.
ink is not ebony, but purple.


Member of:
http://Anathema6205.deviantart.com/journal/12749168/ Thu, 26 Apr 2007 23:10:50 PDT
alright, for those of you who are sick of listening to my emo bullshit, stop reading.
it seems i cant stop myself anyway from spewing every bit of emotion into everything i do.
its all i feel-emotion. no logic behind it.
no meaning.
just emotion.
im so fuckin tired.
havent slept for weeks.
why. oh, i dunno-woke up with some burning gashes and a mouth full of blood, thats all.
yeah, stop bein a damned pussy.
i know.
ive tried numbing myself completely-
it doesnt work.
the rage just boils up until theres nothing left.
overwhelming hollowness follows, worse than rage.
rage.
that ones' been powerful recently.
but for what?
why?
to be honest with you, i have no fuckin clue.
i shouldnt be pissed at the people i hurt.
i shouldnt be enraged with the ones that might care.
but, in reality, im not pissed with them.
im merely taking it out on them-which is worse.
thing is, ive run out of people that will listen to me bitch.
eventually people get tired of it.
i still dont solve a goddamn thing.
im just...
im pissed because its my fault.
im ticked off because i cant control myself.
my actions arent loud enough.
and my words are lethal.
if only my voice would completely disappear.

i woke up in the night to the strongest urge to stab myself in the neck. it wasnt something i dwelled on-or thought out.
it was just a feeling.
what it would solve, i have no clue.
but i woke up wanting to..
now this-this just creeps the fuck out of me.
i was halfway unconscious-half awake, half still dreaming.
...the most dangerous state.
ive never been self-mutilating, or self-destructive.
but its the same rage that fuels everything.
its what i felt at that moment.
it completely drove everything else from my mind, any rationality.
i swear, if i had any knives near me, i dont think i wouldve been able to stop.
it took everything in me to keep myself from clawing out my throat.
and i dont know why.

whats the lesson here?
what am i getting at?
oh, i dont know.
im so sleep depraved, i have no idea whats going on.
lights seem to have an extra luminescence to them, real fuzzy, everythings' too damn loud. (though i blast my speakers to oblivion just to assault my senses) my mind wanders too often, hearing things that arent there. paranoia. i look at the sky expecting that beautiful blue just to see the sun turn black and the sky bruised and purple. im forgetting everything. even insanely important things.
everythings' shutting down.
i cant seem to eat without spewing it up after i nod off for twenty minutes of sleep. eating during the day just seems to make me sick.
augh..
its a familiar feeling.

i know whats going to happen next.
its like a movie ive seen too many times.
i can count the minutes.
i know what im going to do-next, comes the blacking out.
ill start to sleepwalk again. ill wake up with bad cuts- screaming, crying.
breaking down and weeping for no real reason.
even down to the creepy demented look i get in my eyes after all of this.
...
no, i dont do this for attention.
screw attention.
for all the ones that think that and youre reading this, back up and forget you even read it-cause thats not what i want.
i dont want pity, and i dont want attention.
im trying to figure this out, just like everyone else.
nobody has to comment on these-hell, noone even has to read them.
by putting this here, it taxes my mind less.
its my emotion that i cant express enough in art.
so i write novels of bitching.
this is what im going through.
im sorry if i cant keep it within.
im sorry if any of this bothers anyone.
not my intent.
not at all.

this is just documenting this feeling.
this moment.
this isnt meant for an " i told you so."
this is change for me.
this tells me a month from now if i made it through or not.
accomplishments are written in sand.
failures, in stone.

accomplishments dont mean much when theres' so many scars from the flagellate on your back that it doesnt matter if theres a few more new wounds added on.
self-flagellation.
i know of priests who do this,
to feel closer to christ.

my reasons' all wrong.
isnt it?
im wrong.
i dont know.
im not thinking.
i care too much-
but not enough to break this animal i hold within.

augh fuck it.
it doesnt matter.
because i cant change a goddamn thing.
i cant even change myself.
im not anything; to anyone;
and will remain that w... ]]> ~Anathema6205 http://Anathema6205.deviantart.com/journal/12661351/ http://Anathema6205.deviantart.com/journal/12661351/ Thu, 19 Apr 2007 22:04:46 PDT

Tattered and Torn, Slipknot

…this song has completely torn me apart.
Before all of this, it would resurface once in a long time.
The last time I heard it, it nearly sent me into seizures-I completely whited out.
But why this song…?
Its only sound…
Right…?
…
You tell me.

To all of you watchers out there-
Go download this song.
Now.
Turn up the volume as high as you can.
(This is even more effective with headphones)
Close your eyes, and just listen.
Listen from beginning to end.
Twice.
Block everything else from your mind…

…what do you see?...

If you haven’t heard it yet, you wont understand the rest of what I say.
For those of you who did listen to it,
I would like to hear your answers to that question.

What did you see…

Don’t ask why…its been a torment and obsession of mine..
What I saw…
I couldn’t face it…
This song actually scared the living hell out of me.
Ive been trying to draw what I saw…
Ive been trying to write it…
I ve been going mad for the past couple of weeks.
Ive been lying on the floor trying to staunch this bleeding out of my soul.


…
Well, ive been listening to this nonstop for a week already.
It brings to me the very worst of my memories, of my nightmares.
To say that it’s a merciless assault on my very soul would be an understatement.
Its paralyzing.
Panic inducing.
Mind erasing terror if you fall asleep to it. (don’t try that)
I don’t know how I can overcome this…how to face it…

I listen to this without regard for anything…for once.
Why.
Because I wish to envelop myself in darkness…
And find that its actually gray.




I haven’t succeeded yet.



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http://Anathema6205.deviantart.com/journal/12559529/ Thu, 12 Apr 2007 22:38:32 PDT Your mother came up to me
She wanted answers only she should know
Only she should know

It wasn't easy to deal
With the tears that rolled down her face
I had no answers 'cause
I didn't even know you

But these words
They can't replace
The life you...
...the life you waste

How could you paint this picture?
Was life as bad as it should seem
That there were no more options for you
I can't explain how I feel
I've been there many times before
I've tasted the cold steel of my life crashing down before me

But these words
They can't replace
The life you...
...the life you waste

Did Daddy not love you?
Or did he love you just too much?
Did he control you?
Did he live through you at your cost?
Did he leave no questions for you to answer on your own?

WELL FUCK THEM!
AND FUCK HER!
AND FUCK HIM!
AND FUCK YOU!
For not having
The strength in your heart
To pull through!
I've had doubts!
I have failed!
I've fucked up!
I've had plans!
Doesn't mean
I should take
My Life
With my own hands

But these words
They can't replace
The life you...
...the life you waste

But these words
The don't replace
The life you...
THE LIFE YOU WASTE

Staind

staind has always had a sedating affect on me.
so many people wonder how i listen to such depressing stuff so often. when i listen to them, my mind goes blank-it completely stills. it silences that rage inside-that incessant ticking of thoughts that continue into the night.
probably why i listened to them for four years straight.
im guessing because i feel exactly what he is expressing-and having that voiced purges the reason to keep it within-even if it is by music.
even if it is someone else saying it.
at least someone else can relate as well.
as for the content of the piece, yall know the story.
i listened to this song for so long after..
*sigh*
some things should just die already.
stay in your fuckin grave and out of my head.

well, i found out today that my friend bought himself a rifle.
do you have to ask why?
i swear, i wouldve shot him myself to spare him the trouble.
anyway, what got me upset was the fact that they told me all this nearly a week after all this happened.
no calls, no hey guess what?

when they were telling me this, i replied with cold heartless answers. again.
i guess i kinda shocked them.
what should i feel?
i have a history with suicides.
five to date.
ive grown to loathe the feelings they have-ive shared them.
does it mean im like that as well?
im going to make my head into a canoe one day, just because?
fuck no.
i may be a dark individual-i may be "depressed" but i would never do such a thing.
so back to my coldhearted answers.
i acted like i didnt give a shit.
i asked myself why i acted like that-afterall, everyone handles pain differently.
i cant judge him or his decisions.
its just so damn painful. heartbreaking. dark.
a dark cloud hovers in my mind whenever i think on any of this.
sometimes its hard to make it go away.

oh, i dont know.
im just tired of young people wanting to take their lives.
we are a generation with no hope.
thats what it makes me think.
and my heart drops at that idea.
i tell you now, i cant take that.
why?
what went wrong?
...augh.
im not going to continue.
this will be pages long.
im just going to open up ps and draw.
adieu, meh friends.


EDIT:
honestly, i dont know what to say to anybody anymore.
calling me nothing more than an idealist, my thoughts, perceptions, beliefs...conflicting one another.
in this, i have become exactly the thing i hate most.
i have sold myself.
no matter how you try and show them what thoughts lie behind it, what fears stoke the entire skeleton, how much blood and tears have been laid at their feet-for this dream to come true..
and it means nothing.
i barely contained the howl of rage that threatened to envelop me.
DONT YOU UNDERSTAND?!
its not about money!
never!
id rather die penniless than give them what they want!!
hope is real- beauty is real- strength is real!
we can achieve this!
stop being such a fuckin cynic and get off your ass and do something about it!!
i hate this fucking place!
antipathy and and placid acceptance has completely maimed us!!
someone suffers, and we pass by as if nothing is hap... ]]> ~Anathema6205 http://Anathema6205.deviantart.com/journal/12469010/ http://Anathema6205.deviantart.com/journal/12469010/ Thu, 05 Apr 2007 10:49:14 PDT

He spends his nights in California
Watching the stars on the big screen.
Then he lies awake and wonders
Why can't that be me?
Cause in his life he's filled with all these good intentions.
He's left a lot of things he'd rather not mention right now.
But just before he says goodnight,
He looks up with a little smile at me and he says

If I could be like that
I'd give anything
Just to live one day
In those shoes.
If I could be like that, what would I do?
What would I do?

Now and dreams we run.

She spends her days up in the north park,
watching the people as they pass.
And all she wants is just a little piece of this dream, is that too much to ask?
With a safe home, and a warm bed, on a quiet little street.
All she wants is just that something to hold onto, that's all she needs.

Yeah!

If I could be like that, I would give anything
Just to live one day, in those shoes.
If I could be like that, what would I do?
What would I do?

I'm falling into this, in dreams we run away.

If I could be like that, I would give anything
Just to live one day, in those shoes.
If I could be like that, what would I do?
What would I do?

If I could be like that, I would give anything
Just to live one day, in those shoes.
If I could be like that, what would I do?
What would I do?

If I could be like that, I would give anything
Just to live one day, in those shoes.
If I could be like that, what would I do?
What would I do?

Falling in.
I feel I am falling in to this again

3 Doors Down


a song that i fell in love with the first time i heard it.
this past week has been hell-but i have a quick lol "rebound."
the last couple of nights, its felt like everything was hopeless.
that terror and hatred had gotten the best of me.
i had forgotten why i was doing this.
i lost my dreams.
my nightmares were some of the worst ive had in a long time.
but i woke up this morning, not at the usual 3 or 4, but at dawn.
as i tried to clear the haze from my eyes enough to look out the window, shake that horrid feeling of not knowing where to go next...i realized how beautiful things were.
that the sun rose and set everyday, and it was going to for as long as i live.
why?
because theres a reason.
that means the sun will always be there to keep everything that i love here alive. it means it will even illuminate the night by reflecting off the moon.
life doesnt go on after a catastrophe.
nobody ever say that it does.
it isnt true.
but it does change.
life isnt one piece, but many.
its change.
and thats what makes it fuckin incredible.
i was a different person than i was yesterday.

i think thats what gets me so upset.
without change-everyday routine, no challenges...
i get so horribly unhappy.
if i dont get a challenge, every single day,
life starts to lose its luster.
and its hard to stay out of that rut.
life shouldnt be boring.
when the things in your life arent challenging you enough,
when youre not getting where you want to be,
it runs down on you.
i even start to stop doing the things i need to-just to feel that sense of challenge to get it done at the very last minute.
a horrid game, and it doesnt really make sense.

something new everyday-
i think i could pull that off.
after all, whos' going to give me a new challenge, everyday?
whos going to make me feel like life is amazing, every single breath?
every minute worthwhile?
no one but me- im the only one that can do that.
life is a challenge.
and its worthwhile to win.
play the badass, and you just might become one after awhile.

(i chuckle at myself-im such a dork. )
(being your own hero-btw, another rant altogether)

really, im just trying to figure things out, just like everyone else.
and i want to make a difference.

i want to whip out my sketchbook, at any time of day and be able to capture the ideas going through my head.
i want to capture the intricacies i see in the autumn leaf, the puddle of water, the silver chrome.
i want to enjoy the clouds passing above, the clear ringing of people laughing, the rush of cars whizzing by. the pound of my shoes on the concrete, tapping out the beat in my head. the breeze carrying so much information to my ears of the city i love so much..
i want to enjoy th... ]]> ~Anathema6205