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        <title>deviantART: by:AthenaNekoAstraea</title>
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        <pubDate>Tue, 22 Dec 2009 09:09:56 PST</pubDate>        
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                  <item>
                <title>Comment Time!</title>
                <link>http://AthenaNekoAstraea.deviantart.com/journal/18975284/</link>
                <guid isPermaLink="true">http://AthenaNekoAstraea.deviantart.com/journal/18975284/</guid>
                <pubDate>Sat, 21 Jun 2008 23:37:47 PDT</pubDate>
                
                <description><![CDATA[ Leave a comment and I'll:<br /><br />a) tell you why I friended you,<br />b) associate you with something - fandom, a song, a color, a photo, etc.,<br />c) tell you something I like about you,<br />d) tell you a memory I have of you,<br />e) ask something I've always wanted to know about you,<br />f) tell you my favorite user pic of yours, AND...<br />g) I'll refer you to a psychiatrist who will help you to cope with all the time you've spent with me. m(_ _)m sorry for breaking your myndz!<br /><br />- but in return, you must post this in your journal. ('course, I don't expect you to do number g for your journal...unless, of course, you need to <img src="http://e.deviantart.com/emoticons/letters/=p.gif" width="15" height="15" alt=":P" title=":P (Lick)" />)<br /><br /> ]]></description>
                <author>~AthenaNekoAstraea</author>
            </item>
          <item>
                <title>Hiatus - Indefinitely</title>
                <link>http://AthenaNekoAstraea.deviantart.com/journal/18636957/</link>
                <guid isPermaLink="true">http://AthenaNekoAstraea.deviantart.com/journal/18636957/</guid>
                <pubDate>Mon, 02 Jun 2008 23:22:39 PDT</pubDate>
                
                <description><![CDATA[ Sad To Say, As Time Passed By, I Realized Something. I Grew. So Did Everyone Around Me. And Although I Am No Longer The Girl I Once Thought I Was... Growing Up Has Taught Me Plenty Of Things. <br /><br />And I Am Afraid That My Tastes, My Likes, My Dislikes, Everything About Me, Has Changed As Well. Not Drastically, But Enough That I May Seem Like A Stranger At First Glance. So, With A Heavy Heart, I Shall Make The Following Announcement.<br /> <br />This DeviantArt Exists As The Only Link To My Past Now. A Window To The Person Once Known As A'Vriil, April, Athena, Baby Angel Makoto, Neigh Neigh, Whatever Alias You All Knew Me By.<br /><br />And With That, I Bid You All A Sad Yet Content Farewell. For I Feel That I No Longer Need To Live In My Past To Get On With My Future. Thank You All For Understanding And The Good Times. Perhaps, I Shall Return Once In A While. But When Or Where, That Is Yet To Be Known.<br /><br />But, If The Need Arises, Or You Simply Wish To Continue Being My Friend, I Can Be Reached At The Following:<br /><br />Email: A.Vriil@Hotmail.Com<br />Site: Crimson Liquid = <a href="http://www.freewebs.com/xavriilx">[link]</a> (Still Under Construction)<br />LJ: XXIV - II = <a href="http://electus_unus.livejournal.com">[link]</a> (I Am Here Frequently, Almost Everyday. Best Way To Contact Me.)<br /><br />Once More, Adieu.<br /><br />[â ] Â© Twilight Sanctuary Productions '07 [â ]<br /><br /> ]]></description>
                <author>~AthenaNekoAstraea</author>
            </item>
          <item>
                <title>[I'm a horrible person.]</title>
                <link>http://AthenaNekoAstraea.deviantart.com/journal/14408991/</link>
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                <pubDate>Thu, 30 Aug 2007 11:06:23 PDT</pubDate>
                
                <description><![CDATA[ NOTE: BEFORE I START THIS QUIZ, PLEASE REMEMBER THAT THIS IS ME BEING HONEST AND I CAN UNDERSTAND IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO BE ASSOCIATED WITH ME NO MORE AFTER READING. WITH THAT SAID, F THE MOTHAS WHO THINK THEY HIGH AND MIGHTY AND LOOK DOWN AT MY PAST. <img src="http://e.deviantart.com/emoticons/letters/=p.gif" width="15" height="15" alt=":P" title=":P (Lick)" /><br />
<br />
The rules:<br />
1. post these rules<br />
2. each tagged person must post 8 random facts about themselves<br />
3. tagged people should write a journal of these facts<br />
4. at the end post 8 more deviants you tag<br />
5. go to their page and leave a comment telling them they're tagged<br />
<br />
My facts?<br />
<br />
1) I like... nay... LOVE blood! Freakin vampire tendencies. Hell, I might BE a vampire... The sleeping late, the feasting... Mmmm good!<br />
2) I have that appeal that makes people confess things to me... And I can't break their confidentiality... So I am living with their memories...<br />
3) I am extremely loyal<br />
4) I am honest and trustworthy<br />
5) I have a shady and VERY bad past<br />
6) I am extremely patient<br />
7) I am a great listener<br />
8) I value friendship over family... considering my friends ARE my family and my brother (Kai) and one of my sisters (Jaymee) are my family only.... I don't care for the other lot<br />
<br />
Anyone who reads this is now tagged! I wanna learn more odd facts!<br />
<br />
-Quiz Two! How bad are you?-<br />
1. Smoked. [X] (Tried it... DIdn't Like It)<br />
2. Consumed alcohol. [X] (Oh yeah!!!!!)<br />
3. Slept in the same bed with someone of the opposite sex. [X]<br />
4. Slept in the same bed with someone of the same sex. [X]<br />
5. Kissed someone of the same sex. [X]<br />
6. Had sex. [X] (the shame!)<br />
7. Had someone in your room other than family. [X]<br />
8. Watched porn. [X] (LOVE MY FRIENDS!!! xD)<br />
9. Bought porn. [X] (For a friend)<br />
10. Done drugs. (BIG FUCKING NO NO)<br />
TOTAL SO FAR: 9<br />
<br />
1. Taken painkillers. [X]<br />
2. Taken someone else's prescription medicine. [X]<br />
3. Lied to your parents. [X] (Who Hasn't)<br />
4. Lied to a friend. [X] (YES)<br />
5. Been to rehab. <br />
6. Done something illegal. [... X ...]<br />
7. Cut yourself. [X] (My Painkiller)<br />
8. Hurt someone. [X] (On purpose too)<br />
9. Been to a club. [X]<br />
10. Seen someone die. [X] (Too Many Times)<br />
TOTAL SO FAR: 9 + 9 = 18<br />
<br />
1. Missed curfew. [X]<br />
2. Stayed out all night. [X]<br />
3. Eaten a carton of ice cream by yourself. [X]<br />
4. Been to a therapist. [X]<br />
5. Snuck out of the house. [X]<br />
6. Dyed your hair. [X]<br />
7. Received a ticket. [X]<br />
8. Been in an accident. [x]<br />
9. Wished someone to die. [x]<br />
10. Been to a bar. [X]<br />
TOTAL SO FAR: 18 + 10 = 28<br />
<br />
1. Been to a wild party. [X]<br />
2. Been to a Mardi Gras parade.<br />
3. Drank more than four beers in a night. [X]<br />
4. Had a spring break in Florida. [X] (I Lived In Florida)<br />
5. Sniffed anything. [X] (I sniff my food)<br />
6. Wore black nail polish. [X]<br />
7. Wore arm bands. [X] (To cover my cuts)<br />
8. Wore t-shirts with band names. [X]<br />
9. Listened to rap. [X] <br />
10. Owned a 50 Cent CD.<br />
TOTAL SO FAR: 28 + 8 = 36<br />
<br />
1. Dressed Gothic. [X]<br />
2. Dressed prep. [X]<br />
3. Dressed punk. [X]<br />
4. Dressed grunge. [X]<br />
5. Stole something. [X]<br />
6. Been too drunk to remember anything. [X] (Too many freakin times)<br />
7. Blacked out. [X]<br />
8. Fainted. [X]<br />
9. Had a crush on a neighbor. [X]<br />
TOTAL SO FAR: 36 + 9 = 45<br />
<br />
1. Snuck into someone else's room. [X]<br />
2. Had a crush on your friend. [X]<br />
3. Been to a concert.<br />
4. Dry-humped someone. [X]<br />
5. Been called a slut. [X] (Among Other Things)<br />
6. Called someone a slut. [X]<br />
7. Installed speakers in your car.[X]<br />
8. Broken a mirror. [X]<br />
9. Showered at someone of the opposites sex's house. [X]<br />
10. Brushed your teeth with someone elses toothbrush. [X]<br />
TOTAL SO FAR: 45 + 9 = 54<br />
<br />
1. Consider/considered Ludacris your favorite rapper. <br />
2. Seen an R-rated movie in theater. [X]<br />
3. Cruised the mall. [X]<br />
4. Skipped school. [X]<br />
5. Had surgery. [X]<br />
6. Had an injury. [X]<br />
7. Gone to court. [X]<br />
8. Walked out of a restaurant without paying/tipping.<br />
9. Caught something on fire. [X]<br />
10. Lied about your age. [X]<br />
TOTAL SO FAR: 54 + 8 = 62<br />
<br />
1. Owned/rented an apartment. [X]<br />
2. Broke the law in the police's presence. [X]<br />
3. Made out with someone who had a gf/bf. [X]<br />
4. Got in trouble with the police. [X]<br />
5. Talked to a stranger. [X]<br />
6. Hugged a stranger.[X]<br />
7. Kissed a stranger.[X]<br />
8. Rode in the car with a stranger.[X]<br />
9. Been harassed. [X]<br />
10. Been verbally harassed. [X] <br />
TOTAL SO FAR: 62 + 10 =72<br />
<br />
1. Met... ]]></description>
                <author>~AthenaNekoAstraea</author>
            </item>
          <item>
                <title>Devious Journal Entry</title>
                <link>http://AthenaNekoAstraea.deviantart.com/journal/14137847/</link>
                <guid isPermaLink="true">http://AthenaNekoAstraea.deviantart.com/journal/14137847/</guid>
                <pubDate>Sun, 12 Aug 2007 18:34:30 PDT</pubDate>
                
                <description><![CDATA[ someone told me it would  be better if i don't try to remember them...<br />
<br />
great thing to say to someone who is grasping for sanity, huh?<br /><br /> ]]></description>
                <author>~AthenaNekoAstraea</author>
            </item>
          <item>
                <title>Devious Journal Entry</title>
                <link>http://AthenaNekoAstraea.deviantart.com/journal/14035969/</link>
                <guid isPermaLink="true">http://AthenaNekoAstraea.deviantart.com/journal/14035969/</guid>
                <pubDate>Sun, 05 Aug 2007 22:47:41 PDT</pubDate>
                
                <description><![CDATA[ Title: Crazy Love<br />
Artist: Kim Chiu<br />
<br />
I hate the way you walk<br />
Hate the way you talk<br />
Hate the way you look at me<br />
<br />
I hate the way you smile<br />
Hate those big brown eyes<br />
Cause I know they're not for me<br />
<br />
Cause we can never be<br />
More than friends<br />
And it hurts me<br />
Every time I close my eyes<br />
All I see is you<br />
<br />
(Chorus)<br />
And this crazy love<br />
Crazy love<br />
Oh this crazy love<br />
Crazy love<br />
<br />
I hate thinkin of you<br />
cause everytime i do<br />
I just keep on missing you<br />
<br />
and I hate the way I feel<br />
everytime your near<br />
cause its feels like time is standing still<br />
<br />
but we can never be<br />
More than friends<br />
And it hurts me<br />
Every time I close my eyes<br />
All I see is you<br />
<br />
(chorus)<br />
and this crazy love<br />
crazy love<br />
oh this crazy love<br />
crazy love<br />
<br />
I hate it when you're blue<br />
And how I cared for you<br />
Hate the way my heart desires<br />
<br />
And I hate those sleepless nights<br />
And the pain I kept inside<br />
But I keep on<br />
Pretending it's alright<br />
<br />
but we can never be<br />
more than friends<br />
and it hurts me<br />
everytime i close my eyes<br />
all I see is you<br />
<br />
(chorus)<br />
And this crazy love<br />
Crazy love<br />
Oh this crazy love<br />
Crazy love<br />
<br />
I don't know what to do<br />
Hate me for loving you<br />
Cause I know it's wrong for<br />
Me to say....I love you...<br />
<br />
----<br />
<br />
I'm workin on either a poem or a story using the theme in this song... I don't know why but listening to this song seems to hurt me alot...<br /><br /> ]]></description>
                <author>~AthenaNekoAstraea</author>
            </item>
          <item>
                <title>Hello</title>
                <link>http://AthenaNekoAstraea.deviantart.com/journal/13969852/</link>
                <guid isPermaLink="true">http://AthenaNekoAstraea.deviantart.com/journal/13969852/</guid>
                <pubDate>Wed, 01 Aug 2007 10:57:20 PDT</pubDate>
                
                <description><![CDATA[ As you all know, I recently went through a rough time in my life. And my memory is still not stable enough. Chances are, I know some of you on here. Maybe even a sister or a brother somewhere in here... <br />
<br />
But I really don't have memories yet... I know bits and pieces of here and there and my brother was kind enough to explain some things here and there so I am not completely lost.<br />
<br />
With that said, I am not sure who I am at the moment. They tell me I am A'Vriil aka AthenaNekoAstraea on here... But I have yet to remember much about myself. And they tell me all these wonderful things that I do and all these things. But I really don't remember. <br />
<br />
So... Please, be patient with me.<br />
<br />
And thank you all for the wonderful emails. <br />
<br />
Domo Arigato. Sayonara.<br />
<br />
- Unknown<br /><br /> ]]></description>
                <author>~AthenaNekoAstraea</author>
            </item>
          <item>
                <title>Dear Friends</title>
                <link>http://AthenaNekoAstraea.deviantart.com/journal/13816774/</link>
                <guid isPermaLink="true">http://AthenaNekoAstraea.deviantart.com/journal/13816774/</guid>
                <pubDate>Sat, 21 Jul 2007 04:24:25 PDT</pubDate>
                
                <description><![CDATA[ By the time you all read this, I would have long left this Earthly realm. I'd be somewhere between heaven, hell, eternity. <br />
<br />
I don't condone suicide yet I feel that it is my only option, considering everything failed in my attempt to find help:<br />
<br />
> Self Mutilation<br />
> Friends<br />
> Family<br />
> Professional Help<br />
> Anti-Depressant<br />
<br />
Too much has happened in the past few days and I truly believe that I can no longer sit here and control my demons. <br />
<br />
For once, they have won. <br />
<br />
Loving someone shouldn't be *this* painful.<br />
<br />
Caring for someone shouldn't be *this* hard.<br />
<br />
Being everyone's rock, tether, their tool to keep escaping insanity... That is me. I played the role so well that it became me. Yet... no one seems to be ther when I need a rock, tether, tool to keep escaping insanity...<br />
<br />
Silly me...<br />
<br />
I was just a nobody...<br />
<br />
I wish you all the best of luck in life... I love you all...<br /><br /> ]]></description>
                <author>~AthenaNekoAstraea</author>
            </item>
          <item>
                <title>Betrayal...</title>
                <link>http://AthenaNekoAstraea.deviantart.com/journal/13232249/</link>
                <guid isPermaLink="true">http://AthenaNekoAstraea.deviantart.com/journal/13232249/</guid>
                <pubDate>Tue, 05 Jun 2007 19:18:40 PDT</pubDate>
                
                <description><![CDATA[ Lately, I have been feeling jealous and angry at my brother because he has something that I want... Bestfriends... It's stupid really to have to feel jealous and angry at a person just because they have something you have been craving for since you were little... <br />
<br />
Up until recently, I never doubted my ability to make friends... Never once cared for them... Never once cared if I HAD a friend... Much less a bestfriend forever thing... And I never thought I would be *THIS* hurt at the mere fact that I allowed my once so-called "friends" to come close enough to inflict that kind of hurt to me... Especially after all the successful attempts of long-gone friends before them...<br />
<br />
I've watched, memorized, and loved so many faces in my life, thinking "Hey! I have a friend in you..." or "you". Being so naive to think that just because they smiled and spoke to me, doesn't mean that they are my friends or that they gave a damn about me!<br />
<br />
Maybe some did. Maybe some *DID* care... and gave a damn about me... But they sure aint here now to speak to me... To give a damn about me... To *listen* to me... That's all I want... Someone to be there for me... Someone I can talk to... Someone who will just sit there and listen... <br />
<br />
They don't have to give a shit... They don't have to care... Hell... They don't even have to LIKE me... They just have to pretend they like me or they give a damn or whatever... Because frankly, at this point in my life... I don't care anymore... <br />
<br />
So... why am I crying tho...? So why am I longing about this...? So why am I *THIS* goddamn hurt about this...? About being alone...? About being friendless...? <br />
<br />
It's because my love was used and abused. My trust was betrayed by those closest to me... And I can't do jack shit about it because I would *NEVER* hurt, use, abuse, or betray ANY of them...<br /><br /> ]]></description>
                <author>~AthenaNekoAstraea</author>
            </item>
          <item>
                <title>Pokemon O_O</title>
                <link>http://AthenaNekoAstraea.deviantart.com/journal/13112932/</link>
                <guid isPermaLink="true">http://AthenaNekoAstraea.deviantart.com/journal/13112932/</guid>
                <pubDate>Sun, 27 May 2007 12:02:41 PDT</pubDate>
                
                <description><![CDATA[ 1) What was your first Pokemon game?<br />
<br />
I believe it was Pokemon Blue<br />
<br />
2) Can you remember who your starter was? If so, who?<br />
<br />
Charmander! Char! (Fire types are my fave)<br />
<br />
3) Did you ever complete the Pokedex in any games? Which one(s)?<br />
<br />
I did on... Gold<br />
<br />
4) Did you watch the Pokemon anime? Who was your favourite character?<br />
<br />
Yes, I watched the very first season WAY before it was popular and it caught on... And my fave chara will always be the VERY first pokemon I saw... Charmander. I was channel surfing and I flipped to pokemon (before anyone knew it was out) and they were like "WHO'S THAT POKEMON?!" And there he is! CHARMANDER!!!<br />
<br />
5) Do you still watch the anime?<br />
<br />
After the first season... I stopped<br />
<br />
6) What's your favourite Pokemon type? Explain.<br />
<br />
Fire types. Why? Because I am a pyromaniac<br />
<br />
7) Who's your favourite Pokemon? Explain.<br />
<br />
Charmander. Because the episode on how Ash got him? That hit home... I know how it feels to be lost, left alone, abandoned.<br />
<br />
8) Which Pokemon do you dislike the most? Explain.<br />
<br />
Pikachu. Because my mom liked him xD<br />
<br />
9) Which is your favourite region? Explain.<br />
<br />
Kanto. It's where it all began<br />
<br />
10) Which is your favourite Pokemon series (ie, Kanto 1-151, Johto 152-251, Hoenn 252-358, others)? Explain.<br />
<br />
Kanto... I don't know why...<br />
<br />
11) Can you say a series Pokedex, without a reference, in order?<br />
<br />
Nope<br />
<br />
12) Do you know all the type advantages, disadvantages and all the super-effective moves for each type?<br />
<br />
Yep<br />
<br />
13) Did you prefer Pokemon before the new ones, or after?<br />
<br />
Before the new ones<br />
<br />
14) Have you got an Original Character who is a trainer?<br />
<br />
Nope<br />
<br />
15) Have you ever wrote a fanfiction story about Pokemon?<br />
<br />
Nope<br />
<br />
16) Was the OC based on yourself?<br />
<br />
Didn't I say I have no OC?<br />
<br />
17) Who is your favourite gym leader?<br />
<br />
Brock<br />
<br />
18) What about Elite Four trainer?<br />
<br />
The one who owned the Arcanine<br />
<br />
19) If you lived in the Pokemon world, who would you starter be? (Please choose out of the normal starters, excluding Pikachu and Eevee).<br />
<br />
Charmander<br />
<br />
20) Which city would you live in before you started your journey? Why?<br />
<br />
Hm... Lavender Town because I like ghost pokemons too<br />
<br />
21) Would you travel just in the one region, or spread to other places?<br />
<br />
Depends on how I feel that day xD<br />
<br />
22) Would you train just one type, or different ones?<br />
<br />
Who said anything about training?<br />
<br />
23) What kind of Poke-Person would you be? Trainer? Breeder? Gym leader?<br />
<br />
Breeder<br />
<br />
24) Would you collect gym badges? Or keep Pokemon as pets?<br />
<br />
Pets... But teach them a thing or two so they can defend themselves<br />
<br />
25) Who is your ultimate two-on-two team? Explain.<br />
<br />
None... Maybe Except... Mew and Celebi<br /><br /> ]]></description>
                <author>~AthenaNekoAstraea</author>
            </item>
          <item>
                <title>Update</title>
                <link>http://AthenaNekoAstraea.deviantart.com/journal/13075873/</link>
                <guid isPermaLink="true">http://AthenaNekoAstraea.deviantart.com/journal/13075873/</guid>
                <pubDate>Thu, 24 May 2007 12:38:53 PDT</pubDate>
                
                <description><![CDATA[ As most people know, I play this MMORPG known as MapleStory. I own a guild there with 18 members in them (excluding myself). The guild's name is DragonReign. We play in Khaini world. In the gMS version (American Version). <a href="http://www.nexon.net">[link]</a> is the site and click on the MS Banner.<br />
<br />
So being a guild mistress is hard work that is why I have 5 Doragons (Jr. Masters) working for me and WITH me... I know, I am hella active in the guild. More so than my members xD<br />
<br />
Anyways, I am currently drawing the Guild Emblem... I mean we have an IN GAME emblem... But I mean like a Guild Emblem that we can post in myspace and the guild site and the guild forum...<br />
<br />
After I finish it, I will post it up here and all that good stuph. Then maybe I can start doing some photography, drawing, and poetry/stories again. <br />
<br />
Its not that I am slacking off and all that. It's just that my stories are all about... bluntly put, sm3x. That's it. I get requests from my friends so I write them the stories (real and anime) to their liking and most of time it has sm3x from front to back, start to end... So I can't post it here.<br />
<br />
Not to mention life is hectic at the moment... But I am managing... <br />
<br />
So I also took up photography... I mean... I worked as a Photo Lab Tech for almost a year... I am BOUND to take up photography... And I have written like... 3 to 4 poetry in the past month or so... I just haven't put it up yet... I don't really draw anymore unless something hits me that I like... so... <br />
<br />
Anything else going on? Um... No... Not really... Just... About to start a new job and trying to get adjusted to it... And trying to go back to college the right way and taking the right course... I haven't played VGs in like... MONTHS... Trying to keep the friends that I have now... <br />
<br />
Um... I am boyfriend-less because of a bad BAD break up with my last one... Darn... Really though he was the one... We already knew we wanted to be together forever and have kids and get married and all that about 1 year into the relationship... But hey... after 8 years... We just... We broke up because we fought too much and he said somethings and I said some things that wasn't going to be easily forgotten... No matter HOW MUCH he apologizes... Altho he did try to talk to me about two days ago and said he wanted a second chance... And I told him, I can't... I am in the beginning stages of building my life... Of finding myself... I already have too much to do and so much more to accomplish... Having to add "relationship" in my plans would be too much for me and I would break once more... He understands that we can only be friends right now... He's there for me and he wants to support me... So I guess it can't be that bad if I decide to let him linger around the edges... right? I hope I am right...<br />
<br />
And just basically... Trying to juggle life... I never knew it could ever be this hectic or hurtful... But I am slowly (but surely) making some kind of progress... Somewhere down the road, I will have a stable life where I can balance everything... Like... do 20,000 things in one day and still have a complete 8 hours sleep at the end of the day thing...<br />
<br />
Someday, right? <img src="http://e.deviantart.com/emoticons/s/smile.gif" width="15" height="15" alt=":)" title=":) (Smile)" /><br /><br /> ]]></description>
                <author>~AthenaNekoAstraea</author>
            </item>
          <item>
                <title>-*- Thoughts -*-</title>
                <link>http://AthenaNekoAstraea.deviantart.com/journal/12865419/</link>
                <guid isPermaLink="true">http://AthenaNekoAstraea.deviantart.com/journal/12865419/</guid>
                <pubDate>Sun, 06 May 2007 15:54:21 PDT</pubDate>
                
                <description><![CDATA[ So... I tried talking to Jason earlier... I don't know why... But I guess you can say I miss him... alot... I've known him longer than the C----- and all my other friends that I *did* keep...<br />
<br />
I don't know where my life is going right now... I feel so lost and confused about many things... I haven't had a single thought in a long time... <br />
<br />
I feel like everytime I look at a mirror that there's no one there... Just an empty shell of a person that used to be me... Someone who had everything they could ever want... even if their world was upside down... <br />
<br />
I pushed all my friends away... I pushed Jason away... I think the only person that even bothers talking to me because he's my brother is Kai... sounds so wrong...<br />
<br />
I tried texting and calling some of my friends and I guess they never got them... I'm afraid to talk to my closest friends because I fucked up big time... <br />
<br />
What do I tell them? What do I wanna say to them? After being gone for such a long time, fighting with my inner demons, I really can't just show up and say "Hey, sorry, I was fighting imaginary demons and my self's desire to cut my wrists again. Can I come and hang out?" Yeah... I really can't say that... I made a promise not to do it again... And then here I am having the urge to whip out my trusted Razors and go to town... Paint myself red....<br />
<br />
Zoe... Hm... I miss her and at the same time, I'm scared FOR her... I texted her and tried to call her once... But no answer so I hanged up and didn't leave a message.... I wonder when she's gonna start talking to me again... o.o;; <br />
<br />
Ice-Chan is having the greatest time of her life... I am so proud of her and so happy for her... And emailing her/calling her/texting her would simply just be a nuisance... <br />
<br />
V... V is the only one who still tries to talk to me... Email/Myspace/Whatever else... I don't know why... I know I'll just destroy her and push her away... <br />
<br />
I think it has gotten to that point where I fucked up my life so bad that... no one really wants to try and talk to me no more... Not until I got "better" and do things for myself... And you know what? As much as I want to, I... really don't know where to go... What to do... I should have listened to the others when they said I need to stand on my two legs... And I am trying so hard to do that... Its just really cold and I feel really alone whenever there are times in my life where I want to look back, garnering some kind of support for my friends, and there's... no one there... I guess I burned out my chances for a bit... <br />
<br />
I'm just so frustrated with myself because I can do this... I can battle my demons, fight my darkest desires, balance work, set a good example for my brother, be a great friend, be a great gaurdian, to save the fucking world, be a good daughter... But it seems that I am so self centered right now about this little abyss that is surrounding me that I tend to lose focus on what I want... On what I need... On what I wanna accomplish... And it's so sad that I think losing focus has destroyed my whole chances to ever mend any broken bridges...<br />
<br />
So it looks like I have to start from ground up... Mend my self and my soul... And once I accomplish that, start working on those around me... Start trying to get my life back in order... I guess it was silly of me to think that I can shortcut it and stop at a certain point and then start new from there... And I guess it was kinda stupid to think that I need to work from the outside to the In... Well that didn't work because the problem was with *in* aka with me...<br />
<br />
I know it's going to be a long road... A tough road... The kind that makes me bleed from the inside out... And I have been there... The memories won't let me forget... And no matter how much I want my friends to be there to support me, they can't... No one can enter my mind and read my thoughts... <br />
<br />
So I have to do this cold turkey style... <br />
<br />
It's okay... I rather do it that way than spend the rest of my life with out those that I love and value the most... it hurts to ever think for a second that I will be getting older and I have no one there to share my joys, my pains, my laughter, my sadness, my everything, you know? So... I better work hard for this... And work it good...<br />
<br />
Note To My Friends:<br />
<br />
I Am Sorry That I Have Been Alienating You. I Am Sorry That I Couldn't Be A Better Friend. I Am Sorry For Hurting You All. But Please, Bare With Me A Little Longer. I Obviously Have A Lot Of Work To Do To Mend Myself Whole.<br />
<br />
Akiima, I Will Start Trying To Go To Meetings... I Just Hope You Don't Hate Me That Much That You Refuse To Let Me Come Over o.o As For The Others... I Am Pretty Sure They Dislike Me Right Now Due To My Absences... It's Alright... No One Said The Path To Self Discovery Was Going To Be Easy...<br />
<br />
Anyw... ]]></description>
                <author>~AthenaNekoAstraea</author>
            </item>
          <item>
                <title>Devious Journal Entry</title>
                <link>http://AthenaNekoAstraea.deviantart.com/journal/12077756/</link>
                <guid isPermaLink="true">http://AthenaNekoAstraea.deviantart.com/journal/12077756/</guid>
                <pubDate>Tue, 06 Mar 2007 07:44:43 PST</pubDate>
                
                <description><![CDATA[ It feels weird that after two months of hard work and happiness, I thought that I was back to being at least being stablle. I guess I was wrong...<br />
<br />
Lately, I have been feeling alone and neglected. I can't help but feel it's my fault for pushing people away. <br />
<br />
I know it's my fault... They didn't do anything for me to push them away. And as much as I want them there, I feel hollow sometimes...<br />
<br />
I feel as if the more they are there for me, the more I feel trapped... The more I feel suffocated... Like... Being around them makes me breath heavily... And wish I never lived...<br />
<br />
I iwish I could talk to my friend and tell her I am sorry and I miss her and I want to see her. I *want* to be there for her. But work and life is not really allowing me time to do either one of those...<br />
<br />
And I know she is losing hope in me... I know it... I can see it in her eyes... I can see it in her actions... The way no matter what I give her (email, notes, whatever) they go unanswered because I think she has finally given up on me...<br />
<br />
I feel so sad right now...<br />
<br />
Wow...<br />
<br />
I never thought losing your bestfriends were this hard... <br />
<br />
It hurts twice as hard compared to the other times...<br />
<br />
I just wanna crawl into bed and cry..<br />
<br />
Actually... I think I'm gonna go and do that now...<br />
<br />
I feel so loved...<br />
<br />
Yet...<br />
<br />
So alone...<br /><br /> ]]></description>
                <author>~AthenaNekoAstraea</author>
            </item>
          <item>
                <title>-*- Lost -*-</title>
                <link>http://AthenaNekoAstraea.deviantart.com/journal/10460589/</link>
                <guid isPermaLink="true">http://AthenaNekoAstraea.deviantart.com/journal/10460589/</guid>
                <pubDate>Fri, 20 Oct 2006 21:41:21 PDT</pubDate>
                
                <description><![CDATA[ My best friend is dying... <br />
<br />
And I don't know how to handle it... <br />
<br />
I don't know what to do... <br />
<br />
I need her alive... <br />
<br />
Not dead... <br />
<br />
Especially now that I get to come home... <br />
<br />
And see her and the others once again...<br />
<br />
And every day brings her death closer...<br />
<br />
We don't know how long she got left...<br />
<br />
But I have so much to tell her...<br />
<br />
So much more than mere words can say...<br />
<br />
She's my Sister, Friend, Companion,  Milady...<br />
<br />
Having to live a day without her...<br />
<br />
It would ruin us all...<br />
<br />
What do I do? <br />
<br />
Why is God so cruel to her?<br /><br /> ]]></description>
                <author>~AthenaNekoAstraea</author>
            </item>
          <item>
                <title>-*- Tears -*-</title>
                <link>http://AthenaNekoAstraea.deviantart.com/journal/10394728/</link>
                <guid isPermaLink="true">http://AthenaNekoAstraea.deviantart.com/journal/10394728/</guid>
                <pubDate>Sat, 14 Oct 2006 20:24:10 PDT</pubDate>
                
                <description><![CDATA[ I'm... hurt...<br />
<br />
I am debating whether or not I should post the poem I wrote in my LJ...<br />
<br />
I don't know what to do anymore...<br />
<br />
Life gets harder everyday...<br />
<br />
Knowing someone I love and care for is dying...<br />
<br />
What if I never get to say good bye?<br />
<br />
What if one day, I wake up, and she's... gone?<br />
<br />
What will I do then?<br />
<br />
Gods... <br />
<br />
I promised not to cry...<br />
<br />
I promised her...<br />
<br />
So... why then am I crying?<br />
<br />
As I write this?<br />
<br />
As I was writing the poem?<br />
<br />
The thought of her missing in my life...<br />
<br />
It... hurts... <br />
<br />
It really hurts...<br />
<br />
And I am so alone...<br />
<br />
It's hard to be strong...<br />
<br />
Especially when your "hope" is being taken from you slowly...<br />
<br />
*grits teeth*<br />
<br />
I wanna yell...<br />
<br />
I wanna cry...<br />
<br />
I wanna sob...<br />
<br />
I wanna be with her forever...<br />
<br />
Be by her side...<br />
<br />
But I can't... <br />
<br />
She won't let me follow...<br />
<br />
Gods...<br />
<br />
I don't want her to die...<br />
<br />
Please, don't let her die...<br />
<br />
Please...<br /><br /> ]]></description>
                <author>~AthenaNekoAstraea</author>
            </item>
          <item>
                <title>Hmm</title>
                <link>http://AthenaNekoAstraea.deviantart.com/journal/8432743/</link>
                <guid isPermaLink="true">http://AthenaNekoAstraea.deviantart.com/journal/8432743/</guid>
                <pubDate>Mon, 10 Apr 2006 21:37:10 PDT</pubDate>
                
                <description><![CDATA[ It is a rather sad affair when a frindship must end. I do not nkow why it must. It was not like I have done anything wrong. Yet the other party seems to think so. Now, in theory, if this happened due to the other party's "wishes" not to be friends no more, in theory, they and I never had a sturdy friendship. Correct? Well I figured it out. I guess we never did have a sturdy friendship. I just wish they knew that I was there friend. Sad to say, there goes another one who threw me away.<br />
<br />
Good bye, Cruel World. <br />
<br />
I could have survived amidst your era. Yet it was not meant to be.<br />
<br />
-Athena ]]></description>
                <author>~AthenaNekoAstraea</author>
            </item>
          <item>
                <title>-= Sadly =-</title>
                <link>http://AthenaNekoAstraea.deviantart.com/journal/8378922/</link>
                <guid isPermaLink="true">http://AthenaNekoAstraea.deviantart.com/journal/8378922/</guid>
                <pubDate>Wed, 05 Apr 2006 21:58:10 PDT</pubDate>
                
                <description><![CDATA[ It is rather unfortunate that this has taken place. But I have decided that I can no longer post my works here for undisclosed reasons. It pains me to stop coming here and to delete my account for I met a bunch of artistic and nice and kind people. Unfortunately, it sickens me to just log in everyday for the memories flood back to me. For those who liked my work, thank you so much. You all inspired me to be the best or better than I can ever be in my life as a poet and artist. I will leave my work up here. I just simply won't ever return. With the formalities out of the way...<br />
<br />
I bid you all Farewell.<br />
<br />
-AthenaNekoAstraea ]]></description>
                <author>~AthenaNekoAstraea</author>
            </item>
          <item>
                <title>-= Sanctuary =-</title>
                <link>http://AthenaNekoAstraea.deviantart.com/journal/8318401/</link>
                <guid isPermaLink="true">http://AthenaNekoAstraea.deviantart.com/journal/8318401/</guid>
                <pubDate>Thu, 30 Mar 2006 21:21:20 PST</pubDate>
                
                <description><![CDATA[ I went and got Kingdom Hearts II the day it came out. I reserved it a while back and along with the game, I got the special edition Manual. The game is so... AWESOME!!!!! I cannot tell you guys that the game blew my mind!<br />
<br />
Except the opening song... <br />
<br />
Now, I am a BIG Utada Hikaru fan. I mean big. But this song... I don't know what to do with it. It was like... People didn't like the first KH song cuz it was simple... and I don't know... this song is just... Not KH II feel. You know?<br />
<br />
All in all... the only thing I don't like about it is like the 4 hour tutorial they have with Roxas... Bleh! But when you get Sora, it is so cool! <br />
<br />
Oh... Except now that he is grown up and such, he is blinding us with his white ass legs! I kid you not! This boy got some WHITE LEGS!! The shorts go up to his thigh now... <br />
<br />
All in all. I love the game! ]]></description>
                <author>~AthenaNekoAstraea</author>
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