http://search.deviantart.com/?q=by:Baknam&section=today deviantART RSS for by:Baknam en-us Copyright 2009, deviantART.com Wed, 09 Dec 2009 05:40:18 PST deviantART.com http://blogs.law.harvard.edu/tech/rss http://s.deviantart.com/minish/widgets/apple-touch-icon-precomposed.png http://Baknam.deviantart.com/journal/7480909/ http://Baknam.deviantart.com/journal/7480909/ Sun, 01 Jan 2006 16:29:44 PST
But I suddenly found myself with some downtime and figured I'd visit and chat about recent happenings.

Well, I have the house to myself the last two days. I've spent all of today reading comics and drinking that big bottle of cherry coke I bought last night (more on that later) I've just been wandering the house with that thing all day. I finished up Resident Evil today, for the second time ever. I really only ever play the firat part.
One thing I forgot to do today, though, is to enter that contest in the paper again. They're giving away snowboards, and, well, fate told me I've already won, but I have to keep entering so nobody gets suspicious.

Speaking of which, I oughta talk about the two skiing trips I took this week. I really have to say "skiing" because all my friends ski besides me. I went once on wednesday to help Ryan learn to ski. Unfortunatly, boarders giving advise to skiers isn't much good...On Saturday we got a big group to go to celebrate new years. Jethro was so happy with his new skis, and Adam was so grumpy (it was his first time) We all had a good time though. Oh, and I even made it to level 5 and learned my first job ability; Manual! And I even got to be a part of the Skill Chain; Flying V! Okay, so FFXI is getting to me again, but I can perform a manual now! Yeah! Anywho, expect pictures sometime....whenever.

Well, as expected, my body is so sore today! I woke up at 8 this morning, and decided to go back to sleep. On the way back last night we stopped to help out some people having car trouble, and, well, I was so hyper after we had left the slopes that I ended up waking up somebody's dog. The owner came out to help us, but he wouldn't have if it weren't for the dog. (I thought I was gonna get chewed out!) The whole night was just kinda wacky.
Didn't get to sleep till about 3.

Like I said, I've just been sorta shambling about the house lugging my bottle of cherry coke and my aching bones. >_<' Just like a zombie.

In closing I'd like to say this: Somebody please help me rig the lottery so I can quit school and draw comics all day! PLEASE!

The End. Happy New year!...I guess. The only significance new years is to me is that now I have to try and remember to write a "6" instead of a "5". BAH! ]]> ~Baknam http://Baknam.deviantart.com/journal/7309595/ http://Baknam.deviantart.com/journal/7309595/ Wed, 14 Dec 2005 12:51:14 PST
Bah, it's finals week. I'm jazzed and all to be done with this semester, but, as the title impies, i am so goddamn bored. I had one final today, and that was a 8am. Now I just get to sit here with nothing to do till tomorrow. Sure, i'll study, but that won't keep me busy all day. I have no friends here to hang out with, and no car. All my friends in Northfield are either working or at school and I'm hungry and have nothing to eat but M&m's. Don't get me wrong, I love M&Ms, but imma get sick, that and my whole diet thing is already out o whack. I mean, iv'e been stuck at 190 for the past month or whatever. Eating nothing but M&Ms is just gonna make things worse.

I ran out of that poster-hanging-up stuff so I can't hang up the new posters L gave me last week. (Napoleon Dynamite and Care Bears) Whatever, my roomate already put he and his girlfriends crappy X-mas stockings up where I was gonna put Napoleon. Damnit, he decorated his stocking with is fraternity name. That just fucking pisses me off.

Lots of other things bug me right now too, but imma not get into it. Fuck it, i thought of something. My internet is being really crappy today, so while i sit up here in my room with nothing to do and nobody to talk to, I can't even do anything entertaining on the internet. Totally throw away my trump card why don't you!

I saw Ghost World this weekend. I love it. I watched it twice.

Things that are cool:
X-mas shopping almost done
Tomorrow is my last day before wintr break

Things that are not cool:
Today is the second to last day before winter break.
rtsnyfxgsryjhedfhfvbx ]]> ~Baknam http://Baknam.deviantart.com/journal/7236235/ http://Baknam.deviantart.com/journal/7236235/ Tue, 06 Dec 2005 08:02:15 PST
So I saw Aeon Flux on Sunday with my friend Ryan's Australian friends. Actually, they're from Singapore but live in Australia. They're really cool, as it turns out. A good time was had by all. Aaanyway, I really hadn't wanted to see Aeon, I thought it would be terrible, but guess what? I loved it!

I'm helluva tired today. My roomate kept me up again last night making sounds. Yes, just sounds. He and his girlfriend were talking out in the other room, but he was just making these annoying noises, and she was laughing in that annoying way she does, at 1 am, and I have to up a 7 for class. God, I hate that. Me and L are plannin' to get back at him when she stays over tomorrow night. hehehehe....

Let's see, who's left tho shop for?
Papa
KT (just a little something else I need to pick up)
Aaron
Evil Brother (though, I don't think I'm angry at him anymore...)
Adam
L
Jethro
Ryan
Daniele? (maybe...*blush blush*)
I think that's all. I know I can't go overboard this year like I usually do but, I think I will anyway. Hey, I'll be going back to work this winter so it should work out, right? Right?

Anywho, here's this weeks,
Things that are cool:
Resident Evil 0
Having fans
The songs "Influence the Deep" 1 and 2 from Parasite Eve
Winter Break coming soon
Getting to play through Silent Hill 3 again because the memory card was stolen
Nothfield house being so beautifully decorated for Christmas!

Things that are not cool:
Roommates
Writing papers all weekend only to find out they aren't due till Friday.
Not being on Winter break
Not knowing what to get for some people fer Christmas
Having to play through Silent Hill 3 again because the memory card was stolen
Dissapointment (in general, or specifically. Whichever)

THE END! ]]> ~Baknam http://Baknam.deviantart.com/journal/7170167/ http://Baknam.deviantart.com/journal/7170167/ Mon, 28 Nov 2005 17:48:49 PST
Wheee! Christmas is coming soon! I really would like to be happy - no, ecstatic about it, but there's just too much to do before then. FOr starters I have finals coming up, including a 3 essay history final to write this weekend. 3 ESSAYS! And on top of that I have to register for next semester courses, still with no idea what to be taking. So basically I need to figure out my life. And last of all, I have all my Christmas shopping yet to do. I dunno when I'm gonna have time for that, or the cash!

I just watched the first episode of Gankutsuou. I give it two totally radical thubs up.

We got out Christmas tree at my house this weekend. Agh! The top string of lights already went out! I wish I was still there now, so I could fix it and decorate it with my brother and sister. Fufufufu...

I had more things to write, but I forgot, what with all these goings on and all...

Anyway...

Things that are cool:
Snow (until it all melts over night, damnit)
I <3 Huckabees (so weird...)
Ghost in the Shell Stand Alone Complex 2nd Gig
Shadow the Hedgehog (from what I've heard anyway...)
Winter break
Going back to work at my old job this winter
Thanksgiving (PUNKIN PIE!)
These Shirts [link]

Things that are not cool:
Finals
registering for next semester courses
Not being on winter break
Having to write a paper on dating (and having no experience on the subject)
PS2 currently still stolen
Leaving the lights on
Not knowing what to get people for Christmas
Not being Christmas yet
Merlin's beard (that man needs a SHAVE)
Having to hide all my DVD's so they won't be stolen by my villainous brother
Having more Things that are not cool
My horny roomate and his obnoxious girlfriend. WOOT!
wanting to read Fight Club, but not being able to. ]]> ~Baknam http://Baknam.deviantart.com/journal/6992712/ http://Baknam.deviantart.com/journal/6992712/ Tue, 08 Nov 2005 17:01:06 PST I used it monday morning then left for Mankato. Now, tuesday night I am informed that is has been stolen. God damnit! ]]> ~Baknam http://Baknam.deviantart.com/journal/6983278/ http://Baknam.deviantart.com/journal/6983278/ Mon, 07 Nov 2005 17:06:40 PST
So back in Mankato and totally deciding this whole double life thing isn't gonna work anymore. Movies were right. I don't know how many times I can say this. I needed to watch more Mrs. Doubtfire (well, how they hell would YOU have spelled it?) Damn, I just want to go to art school. But then again, I still have my reasons to stay here. Rargh.

I really like to pretend that my little comic thingy matters to anybody. It makes me feel like a big-shot comic author saying such phrases as "it should be up by so-and-so" or "update will be delayed!" On that note, I promised last week that I'd have a new page up. Well, I don't. I'm too afraid of the new scaner. BUT to make up for it I began another page, and let me tell you, this new one is quite sexy! So next weekend I hope to have both new pages up. I'd really like to get my own website for this. Until then, WAS will have to suffer through it.

I miss my friend, L. I havn't gotten to see her in like, two weeks. We're gonna try for this weekend. Hmmm...

I don't think I'm doing very well in history. Well, it dosn't help that his English is nearly non-existant. Well, maybe I shouldn't have skipped today...*MEGA-GRUMBLE!*

Anywho, time for this week's;
Things that are cool:
.hack (still)
Tonfas
Jarhead....sorta
Smashing Pumkins (the band) and Foo Fighters (also, the band, as opposed to the act of actually fighting foo)
Sammiches
My sexy new page of xheartx

and new this week;
Things that are not cool:
Incubus (the band)
Jarhead...sorta
Wizards
Soul Calibur 3's difficulty
Phantasy Star Universe's theme song ("We battle for Freedom! It is a battle against the dark!")
Having to be a hermit and not seeing my friends

The End ]]> ~Baknam http://Baknam.deviantart.com/journal/6918457/ http://Baknam.deviantart.com/journal/6918457/ Mon, 31 Oct 2005 17:07:15 PST
YEah, I'm writing a journal on Halloweeen, and it's not about Halloween, so there! I'm not celebrating Halloween till this weekend. None of my friends can do it today(including me) so we gonna get together on Saturday or something. I failed at my costumeme anyway. I was gonna be Vincent from Silent Hill 3 but I couldn't find all the parts I needed. So much for my very first cosplay, huh. In any case, nobody would recognize who I was supposed to be anyway T_T

This morning I went back to Mankato with my friend Adam. We went to my first class, though he dosn't go to school here. He just comes along now and then 'cause he's all into Chinese history. Anyway, we started Japan history today but I ended up lseeping through a lot. I was tired! And Hungry! So we went to Jimmy John's after. God, I love Jimmy John's! I make sure to go there every week at least!

After that I found this great coffee shop my friend Lauren told me about. Yeah, it's a great place. Service was good, really friendly, atmosphere was good, a little pricey but nothing unreasonable and It was really tasty. Defienetly a worthy hang out!

I still had time to kill before my next class so I commanded Adam to take me to the mall. I found issue #12 of Lenore at Hot Topic but I was outta cash. You can't just go and use a card for like, 3 dollars either(it just looks stupid) so i got one of those little naruto figurines, you know, the ones that come in the box and you don't know which one it is. I was praying and praying that I wouldn't get Sasuke. Heh, I got Kakashi. Sweet!

Anywho, Adam left and I went to class. After that I ended up here. The end. That's my day.

Also, I've been wanting to throw my two cents on Corpse Bride at you. Forst of all, I found it kinda a dissapointment. Really, I liked it but I think Tim Burton was trying too hard. That and he was working on Charlie and le Chocolate Factory at the same time, so I don't blame him. Anyway, I thought the atmosphere and setting was really good! Perfect really. However, the plot didn't really run so smoothly and the characters were never really fleshed out as much as I'd have liked. Also, the songs weren't as good as in Nightmare Before Christmas. But if you don't compare it to Nightmare, it was a decent movie. I definetly don't regret seeing it anyway.

It's over. BTW I BEAT KATAMARI DAMACY YESTERDAY

Things that are cool:
.hack
Naruto
witches
Hellsing
my Chrono Cross OST that came in the mail today (to my house in Northfield T_T)

BTW for any of you who follow my comic, xheartx, I have a new page copleted. I just need to scan it so it should be up this weekend. Be ready for it!

It's over! For reals!

BTW I saw Michelle Rodruigez on Punk'd last night. She's so cool. I lub her!

BTW I tested Guild Wars on my laptop this weekend. It looks so awesome! And it runs perfectly at the highest settings too! Haha, but it makes my comp crash. Great. And to add to the unhappiness, I just rean out of deodorant... ]]> ~Baknam http://Baknam.deviantart.com/journal/6849206/ http://Baknam.deviantart.com/journal/6849206/ Sun, 23 Oct 2005 19:55:30 PDT This weekend I accomplished an amazing task. I beat finally beat .hack. Dear lord, it felt just like Christmas. Now bring on G.U.!!!!!
Really, the whole point of this journal was to do something I havn't done in a long time, and I'm glad I havn't had to. Things really havn't been going well with me lately. Yeah, I wanted to do some venting and angsting, but I'm not so sure I want to right now. Besides, I have math homework to be doing.
Anyway, this journal shall be used for the sole purpose of you all congratulatong me on my crazy triumph over .hack. So there. ]]> ~Baknam http://Baknam.deviantart.com/journal/6755971/ http://Baknam.deviantart.com/journal/6755971/ Thu, 13 Oct 2005 09:10:19 PDT So I saw Serenity with my mom (yes, with my mom. She's just that awesome) last weekend. I don't really know what to say. It was perfect. Like, for reals. Honestly the best science fiction movie I have ever seen. I think what made it, and Firefly, so good is it's characters. All my frinds make fun of how much I like Firefly because they can't stand the way the characters talk. We'll I happen to think it makes them very down to earth, real people. Even though it takes place in a setting I have no real world concept of (space) I can still realate to the characters because they're so personable and real.
So I saw Lord of War with some friends last weekend. I have three things to say. 1. I liked whoever played Nicholas Cage's character's (Yuri?) brother. He had nice eyes. Where have I seen him before? 2. That cop guy needed to take that stick out of his ass and quit crushing on ol' Nicky Cage. I mean, c'mon, he's married. 3. It had a Portishead song in it. Other than those three things I didn't really care for it that much. The end.
Oh, my back hurts. I think it might be my bad posture, or maybe the way I sleep. I dunno, but it bugs the hell outta me. I mean, way to make me feel old. I already have a thing about aging. Sheesh.
Heh, it's Thursday an' I'm all excited to go home. Before we went to see Lord o' War, we stopped at Best Buy. I decided to spoil myself and picked up Resident Evil Outbreak 2. Hey, it was only 30 bucks anyway. I'm a poor college student. I DON'T buy 50 dollar games. So I'm really lookin' forward to playing it. If only I could make that thar intarnet work with it. Meh.
On a final note, I'm all in the mood to work on mah comic, xhearx, this weekend. I dunno though. The page I'm workin' now is coming out kinda crappy. We'll see.
OK BYE BYE FOR NOW! ]]> ~Baknam http://Baknam.deviantart.com/journal/6631913/ http://Baknam.deviantart.com/journal/6631913/ Thu, 29 Sep 2005 07:09:10 PDT
So, today I woke up and when I looked in the mirror, I was like, "Crap! I look like Bjork this morning!" Yeah...

I have one more test to take today and one more class after that before I get to go home and finish watching LOST this weekend. Over the past month, my friends and I have been trying to get through all of season 1 of lost. I tell ya, I'm hooked, but it got a little scary last weekend, what with those numbers....

Speaking of tests, I got 88% on my Sociology exam this morning! YEAH! I immediatly heard the Final Fantasy victory music in my head. Weird...

I hope we can get more people for LOST this weekend. LAst weekend we had noticably fewer people. But then again, people had work and such. Meh.

Anyway, I'm gonna make this, like, ogre-ishly large effort to work on xheartx this weekend, so I'm excited about that. But latley I've had the urge to enter Rising Stars again. Hmmm...

Anywho, wish me luck on my Astronomy exam!! ]]> ~Baknam http://Baknam.deviantart.com/journal/6611515/ http://Baknam.deviantart.com/journal/6611515/ Mon, 26 Sep 2005 19:58:56 PDT
For starters, I'm in college now. For the most part it's a complicated issue, but as of right now I'm attending Mankato state. Not exactly my kind of place, but Imma not get into that right now. Hmph. In any case, I have a pretty sweet deal set up for now. I have no classes on Fridays and Northfield is only an hour away so I go back home to Northfield on the weekends. Haha, I have no friends in Mankato, so this works out really well. The people here just, well, suck.

Well, what elese can be said? Things I'm into:
Games:
Silent Hill (got a new ps2 so I can play silent hill 3 again! I'm the happiest boy in the world!)
Monster Hunter (I can't get it online though! *weep* If anybody could help me with this, I'd be really happy!)
Dynasty warriors 5 (always haha)

TV:
Firefly
Naruto
LOST!!!!!!!!
i know there was one more...

Manga:
Hellsing
Naruto

Movies:
I wanna see Corpse Bride, damnit!!
I wanna see Silent Hill: Centralia, damnit!!

Anyway, I always forget everything I wanna write when I actually get down to writting these kind of things. I've got a lot of things on my mind right now.

Go ahead, talk to me. ]]> ~Baknam http://Baknam.deviantart.com/journal/5511623/ http://Baknam.deviantart.com/journal/5511623/ Tue, 31 May 2005 12:52:37 PDT Then episode one came out. Ah, I remember that summer. I was so excited. I remember trying to collect the pepsi cans. Like each week would have a new character on the can. Man, I had to drink Pepsi One for that. Ugh! Oy, and i remember just going nuts with all the cool ep 1 toys that came along with it lol!
That's another thing I love about a new star wars coming out. All they hype. I love hype. It turns anything into an event. I think that's ecxiting. I sure am gonna miss seeing yoda on my bag of Lays.
So now ep 3 is out. I saw it a while ago. Yeah, I love Darth Vader. My sister and I decided to become Sith Lords. I'm known as Darth Cupcakes, she's Darth Muffin. Yeah.
You know, my mom is like the coolest person in the world. Here's why. You know the ep 3 promotion burger king is doing? Yeah, some people wanted them to stop it cause ep 3 is like PG-13 or something and that's too violent for children. Seriously, people just look for things to complain about. Anyway, that's not the point. So my mom likes to seel on e-bay and she's been selling the star wars toys burger king is giving out. Well, she got her hands on an Uber-rare darth vader! I thought that was so cool! So I decided that I was gonna try and get one, but we don't have a burger king here in town. I wanted to go to burger king on the way back from Madison this weekend but it never happened. Well anyway, I was coming back home from work today and my mom met me out in the front yard and told me she had something for me. Guess what? She miraculously had gotten another Darth Vader! HooHA! You rock, mother! But that's not all, she had a whole bunch of others she gave to me too! Hahahaha! She's so cool! Now I have my Darth Vader (who by the way opens up and has a little Anikin inside-sweet!), Obi-Wan, Padme (who loooks really ugly but i dont care), a jawa, a podracer, and Darth Sidious.
Now I gotta find a place on my desk for these little guys. haha my mom is awesome! ]]> ~Baknam http://Baknam.deviantart.com/journal/4550285/ http://Baknam.deviantart.com/journal/4550285/ Thu, 10 Feb 2005 21:39:17 PST Food tastes fucking good. It makes me sad to think about it.
I'm about to shamble off to bed now, where I'll lay for a few hours before finally falling asleep. I thought I'd start listening to music again to help me get to sleep. It dosn't work. Enough said. But it always help take my mind off things. I look forward to it all day. Going to bed and listening to music. Well, the music I look forward to anyway. The sleeping part is just there to fill the gaps. When there's nothing better to do. I've been going to bed earlier lately.
AFter I fall asleep, I will periodicaly wake up ever few hours or so. Nothing new. Just what happens between the odd dreams. The one's where I'm either being reminded of all the things I regret never doing, high school, or the happy ones that get my hopes up only to be crushed when I wake up to find they aren't real. I think even in these dreams I know they aren't real. But I still try to enjoy them while I can.
Then I'll wake up at around 8, regardless of when I went to bed, and roll around trying to get back to sleep until I have to get up and go to work.
I think the point is that I hate going to bed, but there's really nothing better to do.
Also, I'm very hungry and I really don't want to hear about how you fell asleep in his arms and had the best sleep in your whole life. Meanwhile, i shamble up to my bed all alone with nothing better to do with only my (for better or worse) dreams waiting for me and a night's worth of miserable sleep. ]]> ~Baknam http://Baknam.deviantart.com/journal/4181330/ http://Baknam.deviantart.com/journal/4181330/ Tue, 28 Dec 2004 22:08:02 PST ~Baknam http://Baknam.deviantart.com/journal/4181320/ http://Baknam.deviantart.com/journal/4181320/ Tue, 28 Dec 2004 22:07:21 PST I have to work tomorrow.
I'm tired.
I don't want to go to sleep.
I have no future. ]]> ~Baknam http://Baknam.deviantart.com/journal/4115319/ http://Baknam.deviantart.com/journal/4115319/ Mon, 20 Dec 2004 22:05:37 PST ~Baknam http://Baknam.deviantart.com/journal/4090490/ http://Baknam.deviantart.com/journal/4090490/ Fri, 17 Dec 2004 18:35:41 PST I'm currently planning now what I hope to be my final attack on Megatokyo. If I don't get banned after this, I dunno what to do. All I have to do is find the time to begin. I have entitled it "Operation: Bloody Bloodshed".

Yes, well, I may have more time now that I have all my Christmas shopping done. But then I'm still left with some anxiety ofver cirtain issues. Crap.

Social anxiety? I guess so. My friend Adam told me, during a very serious talk between us, that he thinks I have chronic depression. No. I believe that that can be a real medical....thing, yes, I know it's real, but it's too simple an explination for me to take. My mom has it and I know others who do. But for me to have that is just an excuse. Besides, I can't have my mother thinking that I do. She'll get upset that she passed it down to another of her children. My eldest brother has it.

Well, the social part of it I know is right. I don't have trouble around people. It's when I'm not around people that I have problems. It's weird. I worry what they think. What they interperet about what I do. I overthink and hope for the worst in all situations.

I want to go back to Michigan. I lived in Traverse City. It's beautiful. I often wonder what things would have been like had I never left.

I want to go to the Minneapolis College of Art and Design. I want a degree in comic art. I want to get better. It's what I know how to do and I like it. It'll be hard to find work though.

I want to beleive that what I think and what I do can somethimes be right. That sometimes my actions don't just make things worse.

I want to stop venting. I wasn't supposed to be venting here. Just happened. But, meh, it makes me feel better.

One thing I love is the Full MEtal ALchemist opening theme. The second one, by L'arc en ciel. It just makes me feel happy everytime I hear it. I like the ending too.

Sometimes I like things because of where I am. I was visiting Michigan with my family last year. I love Naruto because I read it there. I love Imadoki and Fruits basket because I read them up at the lake over the summer. I watced the butterfly effect there too. I loved it but I really hate it. It made me cry and I didn't like it. It was a really good movie though. I liked it. I can't look at Ashton Kutcher the same now, because he reminds me of how that movie made me feel.

One time at Wal-Mart this lady dropped her maccaroni. SHe smiled at me weird as she reached to pick it up. I thought, as I smiled back at her as I though "yes, I'd pick it up for you but it seems you have it covered. I'm scared." turns out she thought I was Ashton Kutcher. This was before I saw Butterfly Effect. No. Now my cousin, he looks like Ashton.

Boy, does he ever. ]]> ~Baknam http://Baknam.deviantart.com/journal/3990820/ http://Baknam.deviantart.com/journal/3990820/ Sat, 04 Dec 2004 21:29:54 PST
I normally wouldn't turn to anybody when in a situation like im in now. Dealing with it myself is the way i want to do it, but that dosn't work out very well. I tried it tonight but it was a bad idea so i have nobody else to turn to at 11 at night, except for the interweb. I don't care. call me an angsty attention whore if you want. Even if im only talking about it on the interweb, it just makes things worse. somehow, i know it does. I just blew it right there. and again. im not really tired. my head hurts though. i want to just go to bed and wake up tomorrow but that wont happen.
I have no idea how far to go, or how far not to go. I blew it again. I dont know what to do anymore though. I never can tell if iv'e made the right decision. its always wrong from somebody's perspective. I can't deal with that. especially when that perspective is that of one of my best friends. But its gotten so hard to see it his way. or maybe that's me being selfish.
My hands hurt. so do my arms. maybe its because i wasted to much time the other day playing guilty gear. i was practicing because i want to get better at it, but what a waste of time.

I just blew it again though. i JUST want to know what im supposed to do. I thought i was right, at least, its what i wanted. I guess that just makes things hard. I blew it again just now. I need to quit.

I'm really sorry. I needed to get it into some tangible form, this was the most accesable option at the moment. I filtered out the worst of it. it's all stuff nobody wants to hear anyway, including myself. ]]> ~Baknam http://Baknam.deviantart.com/journal/3927068/ http://Baknam.deviantart.com/journal/3927068/ Fri, 26 Nov 2004 19:36:58 PST Excuse me. Nothing but oranges and products made from oranges, featuring two pages of nuts.
Weird.

I've never written a journal entry on DevArt before. I hear it's the bees knees. So why now? I need to vent. Why on DevArt? 'Cause I want stranges from all across the world to see it and give me fake-y supportive comments. Why? wy the hell not. I want somebody to see and it's just better if the're people I don't really know or have significant attachments to. (Awww, sorry guys. I bet all 4 of you reading this are really dissapointed to hear that. Yeah right.)
If I think about it too much, this entry could make too much sense. Whatever, probably the other way around but you get the idea. These are just random thoughts really. Sure, many I have already thought of so they aren't really that random. Others I have thought abou7t a lot. More than I'd like to. But this is just what's on my head. I feel bad for writing this at all.

I know it's something I did. It always is in my mind. It's because I'm selfish. That's what I think anyway. It's always about me. What I want. Always what would make me happy.
I don't like thinking that it's my fault. I can't get that thought out of my head. It's been there for well near a year I bet. It makes me feel creepy and weird, thinking the way I do like this. It's not that big a deal. I just make it out to be, because I'm so selfish.

I didn't want to go to work today. I wanted to stay home and decorate the downstairs Christmas tree with my mom and sister. I thought about not going, but I need the hours. I was just barely getting by this week. I hate Jake. I hate our so called "manager". I really like Christmas.

Again, I think any thought and it always comes back to this. I know it's wrong. It's wrong thinking it's something that I've done. It's wrong enought thinking about it all the time, let alone typing it to random people on the interweb. I know I'll pay for this. I always do. I'm being selfish again.
Venting about this will only come back to me, even harder. I know it. But I knew it wasn't going to last. I'm being selfish again.

Why do I have any right to complain anyway? Why should I be unhappy? I have everything. Well, not literally, but I'm very fortunate to have what I do have. I'm so grateful for what I have. A loving family, a nice home, everything else I need and then some. Why should I be unhappy? Because I'm selfish.

I'm not the person I want to be. I was getting there, I almost had it. I even had good friends! Something I'd wanted so badly (though many times I refused to admit it) since we moved here when I was in fourth grade. But I'm too selfish.

Again, it feels wrong to think this way. I feel like i ruined it.

I get excited when the phone rings. That's wrong.

I'm selfish because I want attention from others. For a long time I didn't. But I do. I want to be accepted, liked, blah blah, that kind of thing. I want to be important to people. I want them to think good things about me. Selfish.
So when I get it, suddenly it's not what I want, and I turn it away with my all-powerful self-hating powers.

I'm really tired of being ugly.

"Oh my god! Stop being such an angsty bastard, you!" That's what you'd be saying. Damn those self-loathing powers. But it's true. I am being an angsty bastard. i have no right to be whinning and complaining. i'm probably just in it for the attention. again, being selfish.

It's rediculous that we don't have any lights? No, it's rediculous that nobody in this house can answer the phone.

Ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring. Bannana Phone. ]]> ~Baknam