http://search.deviantart.com/?q=by:BeautifulScar&section=today deviantART RSS for by:BeautifulScar en-us Copyright 2009, deviantART.com Wed, 23 Dec 2009 10:45:20 PST deviantART.com http://blogs.law.harvard.edu/tech/rss http://s.deviantart.com/minish/widgets/apple-touch-icon-precomposed.png http://BeautifulScar.deviantart.com/journal/12381888/ http://BeautifulScar.deviantart.com/journal/12381888/ Thu, 29 Mar 2007 21:19:42 PDT [link] now, but it's only photography over there. I'm thinking I might start writing again... I have a bunch of my writing up here obviously - old shit I have which is quite embarrassing, and some work which... isn't as terrible.

]]> ~BeautifulScar http://BeautifulScar.deviantart.com/journal/7339146/ http://BeautifulScar.deviantart.com/journal/7339146/ Sat, 17 Dec 2005 18:14:19 PST [link]

I'm there now. ]]> ~BeautifulScar http://BeautifulScar.deviantart.com/journal/6348017/ http://BeautifulScar.deviantart.com/journal/6348017/ Tue, 30 Aug 2005 07:13:49 PDT
If you read my LJ you'd know. ¬_¬ [link]

I lock my entries, so, heh.

I'm listening to the stuff that Trent did for Quake. It's cool - kind of eerie.
I'm kind of coming down after the most amazing 9 days of my life, and, it's okay.

I'm going to drop out of year 11 and repeat it next year. I think. I'm moving out end of this year.

So, yeah. Bye for another month or so. ]]> ~BeautifulScar http://BeautifulScar.deviantart.com/journal/5972545/ http://BeautifulScar.deviantart.com/journal/5972545/ Mon, 18 Jul 2005 21:53:29 PDT
my livejournal is prettier.

[link]

this pretty much means 'add me' -- because i prefer livejournal, and i actually update it more than once a month...well, yeah.
I almost have 10 000 pageviews, it's suprising how little I care.. YAY. ]]> ~BeautifulScar http://BeautifulScar.deviantart.com/journal/5712171/ http://BeautifulScar.deviantart.com/journal/5712171/ Tue, 21 Jun 2005 08:46:20 PDT

# ABOUT YOU.

1. Name? Elissa

2. Age? 16 soon.

2. Sexuality? Straight as the shape of my lightbulb.

3. Where do you live? Queensland, Australia.

4. Are you single? No. *ogles Samuella*

5. Do you have a part-time or full-time job? I work at Video Ezy.. JOY!

6. Obsessions? X-Files, I suppose.

7. Dye your hair much? For the past two years, I've done it VERY MUCH. At the moment its dark reddish brown on the bottom, with blonde foils on the top. It's okay, but I want to just do it brown, my natural colour.

# MUSIC.

1. What are you listening to? Hal featuring Gillian Anderson - Extremis (Very hot song.. Very hot filmclip to accompany.)

2. Put your playlist on random and list the first 7 songs that come up.

- We're in this together - nine inch nails
- (go to) California - rob zombie
- Destroy all - static-x
- Starfuckers inc. - nine inch nails
- All i ask of you - Phantom of the opera
- Nemo - nightwish
- You spin me right round - marilyn manson

3. Any addictive songs? Nemo by Nightwish has been in my head for over a year. Grr.

4. Do you download music? Legally, of COURSE. I've downloaded 200 songs in the last day and a half. Eeek.

5. How large is your music collection? Sam's is bigger...

6. Last CD you bought? The Downward Spiral by nine inch nails.

# VIDEO.

1. What did you last watch? The Extremis video, drool. Before that would have been the X-Files season..er, 2 bloopers. A.D. Skinner in a bra, yay.

2. Who were you last on web-cam with? Christina then Sam.

3. What was the last movie you saw? The most recent star wars movie with my little brother.

4. Favourite movies? I really like Queen of the Damned at the moment- Lestat is hot, and the music is addictive. Besides that, I can't think of many.

5. Favourite TV show? I used to love Buffy, but now its more X-Files.

6. Own any DVD's or video's? No videos. I own 'Wrong Turn' and The X-Files movie, as well as Buffy season 1-7 and X-Files season 1-9.. Yeah, I'm a geek. I don't mind.

7. Favourite actor/actress? Gillian Anderson and David Duchovny. Yum!

# PEOPLE.

1. Who do you crush on? Sam, obviously.

2. Celebrities you'd do? Gee, thats a tough one. GA and DD!

3. Do you have many friends? Um. Haha. I suppose I have a few. I like my small groups.

4. Who are you talking to online? Daniel, and Nick is going away to touch himself or something. Not many people on at 1:40.

5. Who did you last talk to on the phone? Kerrie, than before that Sam.

# RANDOM.

1. If you could be anywhere right now, where would you be? In Sydney. Or Melbourne.

2. Piercings? 4. I'm getting my tongue pierced..

3. Do you spend much time on the phone? Um, yeah. On my mobile, my received calls stands at 83 hours, 44 minutes and 16 seconds, whilst my dialed calls is 9 hours, 5 minutes and 18 seconds. Freaaaaaaaaaaaky.

4. Catch much public transport? Yeah, every day to tafe and everywhere else I go, besides work. Although my parents were bugging me to take a bus this morning. Fuck no. My skanky manager was going to drive me home, but my dad turned up instead.

- I kinda scrapped the rest of the quiz thing cos it was shitty and boring. I'll update later. I'm lazy. ]]> ~BeautifulScar http://BeautifulScar.deviantart.com/journal/5497438/ http://BeautifulScar.deviantart.com/journal/5497438/ Sun, 29 May 2005 22:15:48 PDT
To the nine inch nails concert that is. I'm going to sydney, but thats kind of meant to be a secret to a few people at the moment, so hopefully they don't read this.

I kind of want to suprise them. So.. um. yeah. There are four of us going. It's on like, the 20th of August I think. I'll be 16 by then, which will be cool. I almost DIED when I found out. Yayness.

My parents kinda don't want me going, but the tickets are booked.... I'm at tafe.. I just skipped film and tv because my teacher is an evil ironing board. Well, i'm kind of tired. Back to.... doing nothing.

Sam, i'll talk to you later.. Thanks so much for the bookage- actually, thank your dad.. for the 10 millionth time. It was pretty random when I called you today. Hopefyou feel better and stuff. I'll reply to your email later. Kay? ]]> ~BeautifulScar http://BeautifulScar.deviantart.com/journal/5434825/ http://BeautifulScar.deviantart.com/journal/5434825/ Mon, 23 May 2005 01:50:09 PDT
NIN are touring aus, [link]

So yeah. i want to go. but I don't know anyone in brisbane who'll go with me. My dream is to see them in sydney, because I know 4 people there I can go with. But theres about a 0 percent chance of that happening. So yeah. Joy.

I need someone to go with me. ]]> ~BeautifulScar http://BeautifulScar.deviantart.com/journal/5243856/ http://BeautifulScar.deviantart.com/journal/5243856/ Mon, 02 May 2005 04:01:13 PDT
I am incredibly sick, and have been for the past 2 weeks. It sucks so much. I couldn't sleep last night because I had trouble breathing . I know that I'm complaining, but it sucks. I couldn't get to tafe last Thursday because.. well, simply, I couldn't get out of bed (it was an oral that I finished the week before- the teacher knew that even) so hopefully one of the girls in my group forwarded mine to the teacher like she said she would. Apparently my English teacher was going on about how she would fail us, but meh! I couldn't care less, to be honest. I'll have a medical certificate, so she can't fail me. If she does, I'll just call her a "dirty fucking slut" like someone did.

I'm in quite a bad mood now. I haven't been for about a whole month, but I just feel... shitty right now. I have 2 assignments for one subject due in 11 days (one of them includes an interview with a Forensic Psychologist- I havent' even orgaised yet!) and the other one is some huge thing on a controversial issue where I have to get 40 peoples opinions. I won't say its stressing me out, but whats stressing me out, rather, is the fact that I can't get access to do them. I've waited since 11am to get online, and I just did 20 or so minutes ago. Yesterday I didn't have a chance to get online, and Friday.. not really. The only times I can check dA are usually when I'm at tafe. I shouldn't rant like this, I know, but.. well... Shut up. lol.

Anyway. I just don't feel that great. Plus, my friend Jenny is moving interstate to live with her boyfriend. JENNNNNNNNYYYYYYYYYYY!!!! That happens like... soon. I will go visit her though. Someday. Back to my assignments. Bah. ]]> ~BeautifulScar http://BeautifulScar.deviantart.com/journal/5117582/ http://BeautifulScar.deviantart.com/journal/5117582/ Mon, 18 Apr 2005 04:03:44 PDT
I love it. Today, the english teacher Cathy called my friend, because they had a disagreement and my friend walked out. Nobody knew who it was, but my friend had a look of horror on her face. So, my friend and I started shouting all these really... weird things, and making weird noises. I remember my friend going on about 'Anal probing' Then we FINALLY realised that what she mouthed to us was "ITS CATHY!!"


So for the next 2 hours we were laughing about it. Laughing so much, my throat hurt. We had an 'informal' (i hope so nick!) test in film and tv, so my friend and I kinda copied. Today was funny. I'm writing my 'Pinocchio' film review right now though! I'm doing most of the layout and stuff. Its weird. I've never actually in my entire life... paid this much attention to my assignments and OFFERED to do the majority of it.. Something weird is happening. And I don't like it! Actually, seems cool.

We were looking at uni courses today. I'm looking at journalism, still, of course.. but I've got kinda an interest in criminalogy. I think I spelt that wrong. In study of society, we have to interview a psychologist.. So that kinda got my interest, A LOT. A 10 minute oral on an area of Psychology, I'm gonna do forensic! Heh, so I've gotta find a forensic psychologist somewhere. I dunno.

Short entry today.

<sub>Lets finish it off with a Lynton quote.

elissa_ "Yesterday morning when I arrived at work you were, uh... characteristically exuberant." says:
I can see you through my window. I'm looking at you all the way from Alaska
random court executioner: *executes nathan jackson* says:
me too honey</sub>

If you didn't know, I'm the first one. I love lynton. He fucking rocks. I remember saying 'I'M LOOKING AT YOU THROUGH MY ALASKAN WINDOWS!!' and he said 'realy' I never stopped laughing.

]]> ~BeautifulScar http://BeautifulScar.deviantart.com/journal/4994325/ http://BeautifulScar.deviantart.com/journal/4994325/ Mon, 04 Apr 2005 04:02:48 PDT I'm so lazy. Artwise. *cough*
OMG. The nightwish concert was last week. I love nightwish. Corey is sending me all the songs and Nightwish videos, like their dvd and stuff. I think anyway. Hooooray! I'm a geek I know.

I started tafe today. 'twas so good. For Film and TV I have to make a 1-3 minute movie on a Hollywood genre, basically anything pre-1960, anything that doesn't spur from special effects right now.. Um, thats right isn't it Nick? I dunno. The stupid bitch teacher is confusing. We were flicking this tazo thingy at her today, and she turned around as it hit the board and screeched "WHO DID THAT!? THAT WAS CHILDISH!! BLAH BLAH BLAH!" So. fucking. funny.

So, I have some ideas. At first I had the idea of a card game, so, it would be thriller genre, and having people cheating and stuff like that. I could do cool camera angles, and shadows over the 'villians' faces. But then I got to thinking.. Its so cliche. Well, i don't know if thats the word, but the first thing that I think when I see a poker game is that "Well no shit someones going to be cheating." So, maybe not. I've been watching the X-Files, as per usual!

Um. The episode 'All things' really stood out to me. Not just because of my Gillian Anderson fascination (hey, she wrote and directed it.. talent, anyone?)... I even listened to the commentry! Directly after watching the episode, isn't that tragic? Well for those who haven't seen it, basically its about her finding her footing in life. Theres this one scene where shes walking on the street, and cars, people, and various other things are just all around her.. It goes into slow motion, and this moby song plays. Well, "this moby song plays" can't quite live up to the fittingness of the song within the few scenes that its played in, but yeah.

I can't explain it. I was just thinking of having someone, most likely a girl, and just "following" her and having monologues, kinda voice over though, while shes doing something like... looking at herself in a mirror, or even walking on the street. I SO DIDN'T STEAL THAT FROM 'ALL THINGS!' Well the teacher won't know. So I have a few ideas for that, but it has to have a storyline.. Yeah, we have to write the script. Baaaaaaaaah! Actually I'll enjoy that, I know... So I have to work on that. I need ideas though!

I have to catch up on stuff from last term. Heh, my English teacher is a stupid crazy bitch. Her eyes look like two huge freakin' marbles.. on fire. Its weird. I mean. Shes so nice. Its whats inside that couts. OK AND WHAT HAS BEEN ON MY MIND SINCE THE FIRST MINUTE I GOT THERE.. Well, not the first minute maybe the car trip there! Guys. Co ed is so different. There are some really nice guys there. Nick if you're reading this, fuck off and read someone elses journal! Theres one guy whos really cute. Hes nice. Then this other hot guy but he seems all moody. So I'm like.. ok then.

Um. Yeah. I met up with some chicks during the first period, and we decided to go "walking". We went and got food. It was weird though, and kinda uncomfortable. I don't care how much it hurts to have sex, nor do I care about walking in on your friend giving head to some dude. Blah. It was so humerous. I met some other people, and it was weird.. we just kind of clicked. My drama class would have about 10 people, ITS SO GREAT!! Heh.. I sound stupid. But its fun. I'm really enjoying tafe.

But I miss everyone from ritas. This won't turn into a little guilt-trip-mopey-entry... I PROMISE! Blah. Tafe is good. But its not as though I've forgotten about you all, I never will, kay? And I've been all distant, I know, but we've had fun. I want to have a huge get together with everyone. I can force you all to watch X-Files, and you can help me clean my room, KAY!?!? Then we can put chinese food in peoples letterboxes! Er. Well, maybe not, ignore that

Here we go. *BREAAAAAAATHE* Every time at work, theres this promo ad that has the song .... "We're on the highway to hell....face" I laugh to myself every... ]]> ~BeautifulScar http://BeautifulScar.deviantart.com/journal/4809108/ http://BeautifulScar.deviantart.com/journal/4809108/ Mon, 14 Mar 2005 09:03:48 PST Oh, and my ass hurts.. why? I'm sitting on a chair in the kitchen, with the laptop on my lap, and its really not comfortable. Therefore, my ass hurts.

I keep seeing and hearing things. I started to watch the grudge, and it was so... hilarious. I'm going to put on noodles. Hold on... Okay. I turned the kitchen fan on and jumped up and touched it. It was a milestone in my quest for........ knowledge. I always manage to cook noodles too much, it sucks.

I have been... school-less for 2 weeks! Well, more than that. 'cos todays Tuesday. I haven't cleaned out my locker, and I'm worried about what I have left lying there. I'm thinking that one of the books I have there is the one that Tori and I used to draw pictures of each other during spare. Oh, blah. I really need to find out what to do with myself. I was meant to go to a career counselling thing last week, but it ended up being a counselling session. Stupid evil lying mother. I really don't know what to do!
I don't wanna get my books.
Maybe my mum will do it for me. How cruel to think. I honestly don't wanna go up there myself. Especially since my locker is in the spare classroom, so there goes my attempt at cooking 2 minute noodles in actually... 2 minutes. No, really, I don't want to see anyone. Jenny is coming over Wednesday morning! I don't know what time, but she'll have to be gone by the arvo because I have to work.

I haven't submitted anything because I haven't felt like it. Ive written things but I don't want to put my name to it and post it here. Maybe I'll put it in my scraps, I don't know. Bah. I really need some extra money. There is so much stuff I need to get.

Umm. Ticket for nightwish concert (...I'm not missing it) $200 or something simliar to pay off, furniture for my room! (though my parents said they'd pay for it, i'd feel bad because they just bought me a desk and a sofabed.. plus wiped a $300 debt i owed them) errm, I want to buy the expansion for sims 2: university..

Yup. Im such a geek. I'd also like to save up for a better camera, mines not horrible now, but its not completley mine. And now, more than ever, I want to buy a ton of CDs. Hmm, Nightwish is $45 for general admission, which isn't too bad. These noodles taste really nice. I know I should really go to bed, but I haven't had my X Files fix. I'll admit it, again, I'm a geek. But I don't care.

My brain hurts and I want to eat the mango icecream in the freezer, but I'm so lazy. Blah. I'm on bducommunity.com and am digging up threads from a gazillion years ago. What a joyous occasion. I can't spell.

So. I'm going to go to bed@ Ok I seriously don't remember typing that. I looked at a few other pages then came back here and honestly didn't recall typing it. Anyway, I'm really going. I have to assemble my sofabed, and, yes, tidy my room.

FUCK. I hate dollar tuesdays at work. I feel like murdering every second customer. Okay, make that every cutomer. Blah. Stupid fewlish people. Daniel. Get a job. < Is that even a thingy?

]]> ~BeautifulScar http://BeautifulScar.deviantart.com/journal/4731513/ http://BeautifulScar.deviantart.com/journal/4731513/ Sat, 05 Mar 2005 00:12:31 PST
I guess the only person who I can say thanks to is the only person who actually bothered to "contact" me in the pretty much 7+ days I've been there. Sure, the times I've been online someone can tell me how much shit I am going to be in, but its pathetic, really, being told over msn when people can't face you. I think so anyway.

I can't point fingers, simply because the certain people who read this know who they are. I'm sick of petty fighting. I couldn't care less if you read this and think about how much a whiney, mopey bitch I am, because you don't know half of it.. And the fact that only one person can be bothered to at least say hi... I find kind of pathetic, too. Hey, someone in my group who I barely know had 3 days off and I was the only one willing to get in contact with her. Heh.

I just have to find something to do with myself.

Oh.. And I don't care about Greenday. Well, yeah I do, but I have better stuff to do like sit at home and take pictures of my evil cats, and ... do nothing. So, hey, getting kinda ditched for that I shouldn't care much for. Sure, again, may I say... I don't care what you make of this, but I think I'm entitled to something.

Bah. My cat ran away. Aisha. The little evil one sitting down. I've had her for 9 years and she the mum of Fluffy, the evil one with her mouth open Kay, they're not exactly evil, but I think they hate me. Waa, Aisha



]]> ~BeautifulScar http://BeautifulScar.deviantart.com/journal/4688508/ http://BeautifulScar.deviantart.com/journal/4688508/ Sun, 27 Feb 2005 21:30:04 PST i'm not at home.
I haven't been to school in 2 days, 3 today.

i don't know what to do with myself anymore, heh! Yeah. I don't have much to write. dA has gotten abit of neglection from me. Neglection.. Probably not even a word.

I looked at my gallery and I hate it. I might take it down, but I don't know.

Anywho. I will be lurking. And trying to sort things out. Actually, I can't do that. But oh well. What I have just written makes absolutely no sense. I just wanted to update my page and say that YES I have moved house. And already my brother has fucked up my door so that it doesn't shut nor does it lock.
Fuck that.

Blah. My old house, my door, it didn't shut properly either. My brother will probably get away with messing up my door too. Just like he gets away with everything. Stupid fuck. Avril just came on my ipod. Never could this be a more joyful time for me. :\ Why do I always get songs that are actually different to their titles? Grr!

My parents are so hypocritical, and everything that my mum says contradicts .. pretty much everything else that she says, so its.. great, and confusing. Stupid confusing journal entry. I need to, um, find a place. Yeah.

Yay for evasiveness.
I deserve a ranty journal. I haven't had one in awhile and its about time. So bask in my rantishness!

i need a hug.

]]> ~BeautifulScar http://BeautifulScar.deviantart.com/journal/4590415/ http://BeautifulScar.deviantart.com/journal/4590415/ Tue, 15 Feb 2005 15:09:52 PST I move tomorrow.

Yeah. Hopefully I will have the internet when I move houses, I've had no computer or internet for awhile. heh.

i've been designing my new room and its cool. I guess. I want to have fluro green walls, with black and white furniture. I need to get a black and white doona, green sheets, a white rug, a black couch.... plus other stuff. I have heaps of posters etc. to put up and buy online and stuff. I get to paint my room myself, wee!

How exciting. I'm so sick; it sucks. I can barely talk kind of funny, in a way.

Well I'm going to lurk. Then go home. Pack the rest of my room up. Then watch the xfiles. No, actually I have to vacuum my room. I hate vacuuming, its evil oh! What else is new... um I'm being stalked by this guy; it's so fun, and he won't leave me alone. ah well.

Ah... HIIIIIII DIANE!! we will talk. soon. okay my little sugarpuff?

]]> ~BeautifulScar http://BeautifulScar.deviantart.com/journal/4476920/ http://BeautifulScar.deviantart.com/journal/4476920/ Wed, 02 Feb 2005 04:40:25 PST
I want to import some stuff into itunes, but I can't remember how to search for them, instead of manually importing them one by one, or selecting and dragging.

Yeah, I'm stupid and lazy and will probably work it out later on tonight

i'm in year 11 now... it's, different.
I missed the first 4 days of school, so by the time I went back yesterday I was so confused, and I don't think any of the teachers noticed I was there
I'm getting the hang on stuff now, on my second day

Heaps of homework.. It's so fun. I'm handling it well though.. well, I've done it both days in a row, and I can never be fucked to do it, so I'm like.. okk.

I don't get online so much anymore. Probably because my brother leaves my computer on and its always slow because its never turned off. heh. And people are being complete asses. Well, tonight... anywho, but its not the first time Oh well I'm over it.

I'm really tired.. school is tireing, I don't get enough sleep methinks. oh well.

I'll be back.. whenever.

I love buffy and the xfiles *sigh* I'm a geek.

]]> ~BeautifulScar http://BeautifulScar.deviantart.com/journal/4441231/ http://BeautifulScar.deviantart.com/journal/4441231/ Fri, 28 Jan 2005 22:02:51 PST yeah.

my fuck of a brother has deleted everything on my computer. And this time I mean absofuckinglutely everything. (Yeah I made up a new word, I'm so proud)

A few weeks ago when he did it, I lost all my photography and stuff I've written along with a whole heap of other stuff; personal stuff, pfft. I was already fucking pissed off. Now I can open my my documents and have nothing there. I've lost all my music; fuck that, i had a fucking ton of songs.. i'm almost done paying off my ipod.. All my snes/nintendo games and emulators, I had a collection of about 150+.. All my pics, theres 300+ there...
heh. Plus a ton of other stuff, like random text documents.. my livejournal stuff; coding and graphics, plus a ton of avatars and signatures that i've done up for forums.

and fuck i don't need to go on, because I'm pissed off enough as it is. i've started over with new stuff once before, but i don't know if i have the patience to do it again. So I doubt I'm gonna be on dA that much anymore. I have nothing to submit. Maybe I'll wait until my subscription has ran out..
I'm not doing this as a little "waa im gonna leave dA NO WAIT ILL STAY nooo im going to leave" thing, i genuinly am fucking pissed off as hell, and don't know why I should be here if I have nothing to submit.
heh. I just put borders and stuff on about 10 photos the other day for submission; and i had 300+ more to pick from.

I don't write anymore.. I can't start something like that again after all my stuff has been wiped. Kinda sad, I used to enjoy it but I don't know. maybe I won't take photos anymore.. stupid thing.. I doubt I'm gonna be on the internet much anymore too; one thing is that i can't browse without listening to music heh, so yeah, there's other stuff for me .. to do.. somewhere.

]]> ~BeautifulScar http://BeautifulScar.deviantart.com/journal/4331780/ http://BeautifulScar.deviantart.com/journal/4331780/ Sun, 16 Jan 2005 02:38:30 PST It's nice to be subscribed again..

Thankyou so much Daniel! ...again. And here you are apolagising for "its only 3 months".

I got back from my holiday yesterday, it was boring. I ran out of phone credit and I vowed not to spend any money, so I didn't buy anymore.

Yeah. I'm trying out some new borders on my photos, and I'm really amazed on the attention I've gotten from some of them. I mean, really amazed.. I don't deserve it.
I cbf to write anymore. I'm saving up to either buy a $600 axe from overseas or a kitten, a new phone, or saving up to move out. I really don't know.

BEING BITTER SUCKS.
speaking of bitter.

THE END.

]]> ~BeautifulScar http://BeautifulScar.deviantart.com/journal/4265893/ http://BeautifulScar.deviantart.com/journal/4265893/ Fri, 07 Jan 2005 22:36:59 PST I got 'the talk' at work yesterday. No, not the sex talk; hell if I'm going to listen to some lady just, yeah. It was just about my attitude toward work, I mean, what the hell? I feel bad bitching about it 'cos the lady was really nice and not mean, but I don't think I deserve it.

Most days in the last week or so I have put in so much fucking work, you'd have no idea. How can someone have the nerve to tell me about my attitude and how I don't do things, when I have carried the load of a few shifts because of a few certain people who do shit all.. ? I didn't want to cry, but I thought it was unfair. I ended up talking to thingy about my problem with 2 of the girls there; For some reason I was getting kinda upset, for pretty much no reason, but I got it out, and I feel better! I swapped shifts with one of the girls, except someone fucked the rosters up, so I worked 3-8 and this other chick worked 5-8 or something like that. About half an hour after she got there she sat down.

Fucking bitch! I didn't say anything to her because its not my place, but I'M the one getting 'the talk' about my attitude, when she does that. She bosses me around, she does nothing, her and the other chick ignore me, it just kind of hurts when I'm pretty sure I've done nothing wrong to either of them. I try and be nice. I feel that its kind of gone to a personal level- They just ignore me because they dislike me, nothing to do with work at all, that's what I feel anyway. ¬_¬

So, I think they're both gonna get in trouble, well my manager talked to one of them last night.

I don't want to go to work now. I start at 5, and gaaaaah. It's too hot. I'm too tired, and I am going away and I'm trying to get out of it! It's not like they can pack me in my own suitcase and shove me out the door, because to hell with that. The only thing that would mebbe make me want to go, is if I got an adapter thing for my ipod so I can listen to music through the car speakers. It's a 3-4 hour drive. We went there last year, but it was good because I met up with my friend for a few days because she was down there too.

I hate my family and I can't live without the internet because I am sad and have no life. Maybe I should take my mums laptop down.. hm. Thats quite sad and OOOOOH a message, yeah, I dunno. It will just suck. My family sucks. My little sister is scared of me, I'm not kidding It's kinda hilarious.

I've gotten in contact with a few guys in the last few days, well, actually, gotten numbers off people. Tell me; do you think its bad to hook up with someones brother? She said she doesn't care, and I believe her, and shes been a bitch to me, so hrrrm. And her brother was like messaging me, even though I've never spoken to him.

]]> ~BeautifulScar http://BeautifulScar.deviantart.com/journal/4217796/ http://BeautifulScar.deviantart.com/journal/4217796/ Sun, 02 Jan 2005 02:49:23 PST Yeah, isn't it fun. NYE was quite fun. I worked 9-5 then stayed at home because I didn't feel up to it.. by 10pm I was sneezing and coughing and had the worst headache- it hurt to just.. sit, un-moving.

I was really bored. I had absolutely nothing to do, so I pierced my ears There's a picture in my webcam photo on my page, not very clear, but hey. It kind of hurts now- not because I did it wrong, well I don't think, but it took me about 2 hours to do it. So, that's what- 2 hours of pushing needles through your ears? One hour on each ear approximately? It just kinda hurts now. It's not that I wouldn't be allowed to get it done, my parents wouldn't have minded, but I was just bored, and felt like doing something fun to start the year off.

I've decided that if it still hurts after awhile, I'll take it out- if it gets infected or anything then I'll take it out straight away.. I don't think its the me-doing-it-myself that made it hurt, well, actually yeah that, but its more that it hurt like hell shoving the needle through, I did the needle first, then I had to kind of push the needle through. I've pierced a friends ears before, and it was pretty quick- 10 minutes max, it was just that I could SEE where the needle was going, and I had no idea how much pain she was in so I did it quickly.. But, yeah. My parents haven't even noticed yet.. Anyways.

I'm going away on the 9th for a week, and I don't really want to go. It will suck. Its a 3-4 hour drive to get to where we're going in NSW, but I'll have my ipod at least, and mebbe I can get something to read, or. something. Haha I'm trying to call my friend and it hurts to be on the phone

Maybe I'll take some photos on my holiday, because I've gotten my best ever shots there- look in my gallery, it's like all the beach stuff- with the really blue oceans, and the rocks and stuff during the day.

Nightwish concert- march.. Pity I don't speak Finnish so I can't sing along to at least one of the songs, "Kuolema Tekee Taiteilijan" but it sounds nice so I will just sing gibberish English along to it I dunno if I'm gonna go by myself or what. I wish I could go to Sydney for it, I know I'd have some people there to go with, such as Sarah.. I doubt it though.
So, new years resolutions, pfffffffft! Can't be bothered. It's my little sisters birthday today, she's 5.

Hope my ears end up being ok, aaah! ]]> ~BeautifulScar http://BeautifulScar.deviantart.com/journal/4164664/ http://BeautifulScar.deviantart.com/journal/4164664/ Sun, 26 Dec 2004 20:19:46 PST Well, i just saw the movie..

it's by far the best movie i've ever seen in my life. I've never had a favourite movie, I'm too picky about things, but this was so perfect. For those who have seen the movie, then read on, but if you haven't then don't worry, I won't spoil it don't worry.. but hopefully it will inspire you to see it.

- Christine was played BEAUTIFULLY. She wasn't as I expected her to be; there was the other blonde girl who i thought would be Christine, but wasn't. She actually had curly dark brown hair, and was so emotional... i really felt like she WAS Christine, lame as it sounds. I don't know if shes been nominated for any awards ; i know the movies been nominated for some stuff, but she is simply BRILLIANT.

- I got the soundtrack for christmas, I listened to it and it was okay. I mean, it was good, don't get me wrong, because I'm a huge Phantom fan- but seeing the movie, and listening to the CD in the car on the way home... the music had so much more feeling to it. I can say the soundtrack didn't sound so amazing to me, but knowing that there are actions and faces to the words really ADDS to it.

- The sets were so brilliantly done.. The Phantom's little lair was so beautiful, i mean SO beautiful. The chandelier (i can't spell it) was really beautiful. The costumes were AMAZING. I guess you COULD compare it to moulin rouge, in a way that the sets and costumes and singing, etc. were so well done, but i'd have to say that Phantom is so much more indepth. Yes, i enjoyed moulin rouge quite abit, but I think I prefer phantom simply because its more classic, and the story has come from something written years ago that has been transformed into actual live performances, which I surely want to go and see..

- It wasn't confusing. Sure, I know the story-- but every phantom movie I've seen has had some little twist, but a friend of mine who I saw it with, has now seen it 2x two days in a row, for the first time, and she was awed by it (i'm pretty sure ) and thought it wasn't confusing. Some movies just piss me off because you have to think while watching it.. but Phantom you can just sort of be sucked into the beauty of it, and not have to worry about thinking during the music and stuff.

Yes, I've read a couple of reviews that didn't portray Phantom so greatly.. mainly because it takes them ages to get out stuff that could have been said in about 30 seconds, but instead they sung it. That is the point! It took Christine quite awhile to explain what the Phantom's underground lair was like, when she could have simply said 'dark.' But that's the entire point! The score has been designed to be long, some songs go for 8 minutes. But NEVER, NEVER and i mean NEVER did I feel bored or distracted. Okay, near the end of the movie I needed to go to the bathroom.. really badly, but I really couldn't tear myself away.

People would have issues with the length, sure, but I think its just over two hours, or around two hours? I wasn't timing it.. but I'd go back and see it again now. I loved it. I'm seeing it again with my family and again with a friend in the next week or so, so I don't see any reasons why I couldn't go again.

The phantom was hot!!

------- IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN THE MOVIE THEN DON'T READ ON -----

When he took his mask off though, I was like.. hoooooly shit. I think that kind of was a downside to it, one of the only ones that I can think of in the entire thing.. I think that he should have just put it back on. But I DO GUESS it was fitting. As the song says, "past the point of no return..." it's just saying that Christine has gone this far, and she's come to know the Phantom's real... "him" and she can't just walk away from that... even though she kind of did, it's still pretty cool. His face was.. blah, and I did feel sorry for him. Especially at the end, when we went back into the future, and R put the monkey music box on Christine's grave-- only to see the phantom's gesture, the rose, sitting there..

That was kinda touching, I think, to know that hes still there, and decades after Christine walked away from him, he still thinks about her. So, yeah. I had to try not to cry
I feel like I'm writing a review, so I'm going to shut up.
But the movie is so good It's my new obsession- i've loved phantom for... ]]> ~BeautifulScar http://BeautifulScar.deviantart.com/journal/4151134/ http://BeautifulScar.deviantart.com/journal/4151134/ Sat, 25 Dec 2004 03:11:55 PST David Boreanaz is so hot, fuck! I used to like him abit, but its only lately that I've really come to drool for hours over him.

So, yes. If you don't know who he is, then you suck. I can't think of anything to write, so yes. Today was christmas and I didn't enjoy it really, but merry christmas to everyone.

... I'll think of something to write later. ]]> ~BeautifulScar http://BeautifulScar.deviantart.com/journal/4107763/ http://BeautifulScar.deviantart.com/journal/4107763/ Mon, 20 Dec 2004 02:38:59 PST

no, i don't think so. i'm pretty happy with my insane thoughts.
i hate my brother.

mmm, buffy. ]]> ~BeautifulScar http://BeautifulScar.deviantart.com/journal/4091867/ http://BeautifulScar.deviantart.com/journal/4091867/ Sat, 18 Dec 2004 03:22:23 PST
I have to rebuild my entire playlist again. I'm pissed that I lost all this stuff that I've written. You can download music again, but you can't rewrite shit. Now, I can't even remember half the shit that was in that folder, it was just where I saved.. everything. fuck. I can't believe he would do this. Actually, it doesn't come as a suprise to me. He always does random shit for NO reason. No reason. Hes deleted stuff before, but now hes really got me. The music I guess I don't care about - well shit yes of course I care, but it can be re-downloaded, eurgh, and I can........ slowly rebuild my entire fucking playlist. argh.

i have to go to work. I turned up at work the other day looking really bad 'cos I'd been crying. because of my brother. I hate him. These holidays are perfect but hes such a dick. fuck.
He did it all from his computer, too. Which meant he would have had a nice little look through my files. No, I don't have a huge folder on my desktop titled "PLZ DONT LOOK THRU THIS". I hide my shit. Well. So I think.
stupid fucking bitch. i want to kill him.
fuck i hate him.

---------------------------------------- ----------------------------------

so, i system restored. I got my playlist back. Hooray. None of my documents are there. The folders are there, nothing inside though. No photographs, either. Approximately 650 photo's ... there's something wrong. The deleting thing has happened before, and system restore has fixed it.
stupid thing. My music is all there, but photos and other shit isnt ]]> ~BeautifulScar http://BeautifulScar.deviantart.com/journal/4063424/ http://BeautifulScar.deviantart.com/journal/4063424/ Tue, 14 Dec 2004 05:54:43 PST I really don't want the last time that I saw her to be just going to the movies and doing abit of other random crap. I though I'd have seen her again since then. But I guess not. heh. Shes not at her house at the moment, well she won't be there tomorrow either, duh.

I'd rock up to where shes staying IF I ONLY KNEW WHERE SHE WAS. I'll call her tomorrow. I really don't want to cry over the phone, though. FUCK I was going to write her a letter and give it to her, but again, I lost track of time. I could email it to her, blah, it would probably be too late tomorrow to see her, especially if shes leaving. I have nooooooo idea what time it is. I'll call her early in the morning. This is like talking to myself. fun.

Well, yeah. I want to go to a buffy convention in January.. YES, CONVENTIONS ARE JUST ABOUT THE GEEKIEST THING YOU CAN DO... But geekdom is a fun career to pursue, so joy for that. It's in Sydney. I've been offered a place to stay with Daniel, and I don't think my parents have a problem with that, 'cos mum knows his mum. The only trouble is that we move into our new house one day after the convention.. and I wanted to spend about a week in Sydney. Also, I forgot what I was going to say. Oh yeah, school goes back around that time. So, gah. Stupid time and stuff. Iyari Limon (Kennedy) and the people who play Clem and Harmony are going to the convention. I'm probably MOST itching on seeing Iyari, err.. actually.. they've all been pretty big parts of Buffy. The good conventions were on years ago. Amber Benson, Eliza Dushku, Emma Caufield, Nicholas Brendan... they have all at least been to one, so damnit. I guess I will be really hyped at seeing the Harmony chick, I'm pretty sure her names Mercedes..

It will be like.. wow, they've been on Buffy. Wow, they've been in the same room as Eliza Dushku. Wow, Iyari has made out with Alyson Hannigan. Hey, he worked with SMG. I dunnnnnno. Well, anyway I'd go with Daniel.

MY VIDEO CARD IS PISSING ME OFF. I need to update it, cos I bought the sims 2.. another extent of my geekiness, so I"m downloading currently the latest update to it.. its taken over an hour.. almost 2- it's half done. So hopefully I can get the game working. Or $90 down the drain until I work out how to fix it. I've bought other games that haven't worked. GTA, Tony Hawks.. so screwy. If it doesn't fix itself with the new drivers or whatever thing, I dont want to put it in to get fixed, but I'll have to.

Sarah is in England. Justine is in Germany. I'm in Australia. Hey, isn't it fun. ]]> ~BeautifulScar http://BeautifulScar.deviantart.com/journal/3999870/ http://BeautifulScar.deviantart.com/journal/3999870/ Mon, 06 Dec 2004 02:36:05 PST

I got 2 high achievements, fuck that. I got one for drama and I don't know how I managed that. I realise that H.A isn't a brilliant mark, but I hate drama now. Mostly, hate the teacher. I wish I'd pursued drama, it's been my life for 8 years. Before that it was dancing, and I loved the stage. I did dancing for 10 years, I started when I was 4. It's kinda.. infact really sad, I find it, that I've stopped Drama. I used to love acting, I don't know what happened. I still, deep down (sounds lame eh) like it, but for some reason I don't think its acceptable for me to like it? Its hard for me to say this, but I can realise that I did have a talent with drama, even if it was the tiniest talent, I could feel great doing it and the awards/recognition etc. I got from some of the stuff I did was great. 'The Sleepover Club' - however lame that TV show was, it was great to be a part of it. It meant time off school too. The Weetbix ads were good to be in too, I gues, I miss that.. So much. But it feels kinda too late to do something about it anymore.



My marks-blah. I always end up in tears after looking at my marks from my report card, or this year my junior certificate. Stupid thing. This is going to be another ranty entry, yeah. I can say I'm stupid, but I sure hope I'm not. I wish I could be bothered to put in the motivation and try. Heh, I haven't cried in ages. This marks thing IS my fault, I can't blame it on motivation issues or whatever. And I feel horrible. A good friend's dad of mine has cancer, another friend's dad has a stroke, and someone has cancer and is in a coma and I'm getting worked up over my stupid marks.

I don't know what to do about school next year. Maybe I'll go for a bit then kinda decide? I'd love to do an apprenticeship- I don't know what in, but ... 5 days of school seems oh where was I-- phone call.. um.. blah I hate when people call you when you've been crying. Its like... hi. lol. Kind of not funny.
I've just discovered NIN.. they're good.

This schoolwork thing is my fault, it is, I've been bitching about it for like 2 years, blah! I love blowing bubbles through my straw. Wee. FUNNIEST THING HAPPENED YESTERDAY. It was my grandfathers 80th b'day thing, and I just finished work so my brother took me there.. We said hi and stuff, then we were being introduced to this Asian lady-- She looked at my brother for a bit, then goes "You have very nice eyebrows!" We were like.. what the fuck. But yes, people are weird. It's hilarious.

Work is blah! Blah, I say. I'm soooooo tired. I thought I was doing stuff right, but obviously not. I didn't realise that I sucked so much at work, either. I expect that EVERYTHING I do, someone to turn around and say "You're wrong. Don't do that. Haven't you been taught otherwise?" Um, no.. I don't go against everyone to piss them off. I'm just slow. I kinda am. No wonder I'm probably going to get fired, heh. Fun. I want to do something.. like, someone have a party.. or invite me somewhere. I'm bored. Now back to my immaturity on msn with Lara and Mel..

elissa_the vision quest consists of me driving them to the desert, doing the hokey pokey until a spooky Rasta-mama slayer arrives says:
HOW FUCKING HILARIOUS
. . : l a r a : . . says:
i reckon
elissa_the vision quest consists of me driving them to the desert, doing the hokey pokey until a spooky Rasta-mama slayer arrives says:
WE ALL WEAR BRAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
. . : l a r a : . . says:
wow, really
elissa_the vision quest consists of me driving them to the desert, doing the hokey pokey until a spooky Rasta-mama slayer arrives says:
no i lied.
. . : l a r a : . . says:
u wouldnt think 16 and 15 year old girls would!

ok so our convo's are usually more obscene, but I'm having fun here leave me. I'm going to the meet on Sunday, so wee.

Thankyou for participating in our bra survey. Bras are sexxxxxxxxxxxual. - Lara's words. ]]> ~BeautifulScar http://BeautifulScar.deviantart.com/journal/3978452/ http://BeautifulScar.deviantart.com/journal/3978452/ Fri, 03 Dec 2004 08:49:36 PST
I'm in a really great mood. It's 2:22 in the morning, and I feel really great. My super super super mega huuuuuge slurpie has melted, and looking into it I see.... red, clear, pink and yellow. Simply delicious. Yeah, I'm in a really great mood, I've just been watching Buffy, heh, obsession overload. Whenever I'm in a bad mood, nothing can calm me down.. I mean, hey I love music, but what I listen to isn't always good for me. but Buffy is the only thing that can make me feel great. It's like.. this little great (and i realise bordering on unhealthy) outlet for me, which I guess, COULD be considered healthy. I don't watch TV at all. We have 3 TV's, and I'm pretty much using our main one a ton. Whether its playing my xbox or watching Buffy (Angel too now, bought some dvd's of that) I'm like.. a TV hogger. I can't wait till I buy my own TV though..

We sold our house a while ago, I dunno a few months or something, to some developer dudes. Yeah, apparently 2 and a half acre land is scarce or something in my area, well, yeah. I don't know. We've found a house, and my parents put an offer on it tonight.. Well, yesterday even. We find out this morning whether they accepted it or not.. But my parents offered about 50 grand less than they actually want to pay, so if they don't accept it, then meh. The house isn't too far from where we're living now, so wee. I've only seen the outside, and the outside isn't that nice.. lol. They recently renovated it inside, so even though I haven't seen it, it's "apparently" really really nice. So if we get it we're gonna do up the outside.. It has like a pool and a tennis court.. I'm sorry, I'm kinda excited. We've only moved once, so yay.

I'm kinda feeling really tired right now, but want to stay up and watch Buffy. It's such a security blanket to me.. Buffy. I wish that I could knit it into a blanket and then I can say it literally is my blanket, but meh, effort. I could stitch the cases together to create a plastic.. thing. Mm, warm. Nice for the winter months. OR, I could stitch them together, put it in the freezer, and then just put it over me, so it'd be really cool. For the warmer months, aka. right now. When I mean "cool" i mean temperature cool. It'd be like swimming, except having a dvd-case-blanket over you that has been sadly sitting in a freezer.

I might watch season 2.. I've been skipping back and forth between 4,7,5 and 6 quite a bit. I bought some Buffy books... Which are pretty good. I understand season 3 so well. That's where Faith first comes, but it's just the entire Initiative thing that I don't quite understand. I've watched all the episodes.. but some of it just confuses me. Maybe I shouldn't skip from season to season. The "Spike thing" kind of just blah's away at me. Sometimes I can't tell whether he's being sincere or just, a fuck. Oh well. It's nice that none of my friends like Buffy.. well, infact one of them does but I'm more obsessed. I'm gonna stop ranting, heh, and just watch Buffy. Or something.

I'm tiiiiiiired. ]]> ~BeautifulScar http://BeautifulScar.deviantart.com/journal/3945670/ http://BeautifulScar.deviantart.com/journal/3945670/ Mon, 29 Nov 2004 07:56:12 PST
I'm stressed. It's holidays. What is there to be stressed about, you ask? Everything. I swear. Work stresses me. I panic when I can't find the correct covers for porn, I stress because I think that I'm doing everything wrong. With everything that I do, I expect to be pulled up and get a "Hey, you're not meant to do that." I'm just confused as to what the hell I'm doing there. Maybe I'll quit my job. I don't know, I've been considering it.. and I can't believe it.

I want to write something. I feel absolutely shit, and want to write something childish and angsty. Joy. Nah, I don't know. I haven't written anything in ages and I'd like to.. though all I'm getting at the moment are sarcastic little verses about how much I'd like to kill someone phew, I'm calm. I want to slaughter a few people at this current moment.. heh, but I can restrain. BLAH! It's late. I'm tired. It's 1:53 am. Can't sleep. Had red sugar overload today. I want to sleep in. I can too.

I've been playing the piano today, I bought the Buffy Once More With Feeling CD- I already have all the songs, and the DVD, (well yeah I have all the Buffy dvds), and also bought the Script Book to go with the musical.. so I've spent the night playing the musical on piano. Hehe, my geekiness is so.. geeky.

Well, I got bored. And ramble-ish, so I wrote something.. It's just for the friends on here. So apolagise to my friends not on dA. It got kind of dodgy at the end, I'm sorry, but I died .. of tiredness. Have fun.

-- LARA --

-I used to get into SSC early and play with Mrs. Savage's candles. I'd put them on your desk, then run away hoping that the teacher would walk into the room and you'd get busted. I used to think how disgusting her candles were, yet I secretley loved touching them..
-Last year in Science, I asked Mr. Smith if it was possible to get electrecuted whilst playing with powerboards as we had to, and he told us it was impossible, then next minute all we hear is "AHH CRAP!" as he was shocked.
-"Mr. Smith. Why are albino's albino?" ..and I can't remember why I asked that, really.
-Just last Friday night, staying at your house that evening. We poured water "accidentally" all over your mum's spring rolls.. we lay on the ground screaming with laughter. Was that before or after we cut up the little McDonalds toys and gave them new faces/hats/dresses? I think it was after we made our little Sims house with people that we hated, and made one of them in particular burn to a crisp?
-Remember how I pretended to be our English teacher, and added you to msn using the email address tom_biner69er? Upon you going "haha.. not funny" I, being the English teacher, said "Tom Biner is a childhood character of whom I have read many adventures of.." You were scared, and got a new email address.
-Yes, you look like Tara from Buffy. You're gay. Well, on Buffy you are. You look like her. (so my mum says.)
-I still have that picture of you on my phone where you look like you have elf ears.. I bet you still have the ones of me looking horrible on the bus, and with the louise headband..
-Remember me mouthing words to you from the other side of the room. Sometimes it would be actions. First it would be the little spider motion.. Then I'd slowly move it to my legs.. "S-P-I-D-E-R V-E-I-N-S" Gee, what are those?
-I told you the Drama rooms story, didn't I? Kim and I would go into the secret room, and we'd tie an extension cord to the railing and dangle it over, and on the end of it would be a walking stick which we had taken from the Drama rooms. We'd move it around to make it knock on the door. Who could forget the boxes of clothes that we tipped down... ]]> ~BeautifulScar http://BeautifulScar.deviantart.com/journal/3921663/ http://BeautifulScar.deviantart.com/journal/3921663/ Fri, 26 Nov 2004 02:21:33 PST 20 minutes later I was in hysterics, and my other friend was crying too. Pretty much everyone stopped crying, but I couldn't.
I was crying about everything.. Mel told me she had no film in her camera, and I was sobbing because "it was so sad." she had no film, and I was crying over that. I don't know, it was kind of stupid, but yeah I felt horrible.

I think I cried more than Sarah and Mel, about another 20 minutes later I was still crying.. i don't mean to turn this into a 'pity me' thing, but it was pretty bad. Not until this year, have I really openly cried about so much stuff. I mean, usually it's due to other people, and this was, yeah. I'm losing two really good friends of mine, and I hadn't realised how quickly this had come. I'm at ~laquanda89 's house at the moment, mehh. Her sister is having a birthday party, and she has a few friends over. THEY'RE SINGING KARAOKE!!!!!!!! AAAAAH!!! My friend being a really great singer (she got a CD recorded on the holidays and i listened to it- it's awesome) hmm yeah. She hit her head against the wall. Because, they were so, brilliant at singing such ... lovely songs.

Meh, today was probably one of the saddest days I've had at Rita's, if not the SADDEST. I did cry more than the two girls leaving in a way it was humerous, because I've never cried so much in front of people until lately. I guess I was just scared to, but now I don't find it so.. hard.. I guess. umm. It's just so sad I'm not going to see them both at school. I just didn't realise that it had come so soon, the end of year 10. I thought today that I would be extremley relieved and glad, but I just wish I could have another year to spend with them both. Considering how much I hate school, I'd do that to spend some more time with them.. so, that makes me feel selfish, perhaps doing it just for them, I don't know.. But hmmyeah.

I, tonight, found out that two people have cancer.. One of them is 18, and I don't really know he personally, but she's in a coma at the moment. Another good friend of mine found out that her father has cancer. All of this stuff couldn't have come at a worse time. I just feel awful. Fucking stupid- for complaining, when other people have it worse. God. I've had a bit of chocolate today, and it hasn't even fixed it.. I still kind of feel miserable over today, and the cancer thing. I wish there was something that I could do.

but.. holidays have started. I've waited all year for this. I'm not even excited. I'm not even looking forward to them. It's not that I don't have enough to do- it's just that I'm going to miss everyone. Bah. ]]> ~BeautifulScar http://BeautifulScar.deviantart.com/journal/3897683/ http://BeautifulScar.deviantart.com/journal/3897683/ Mon, 22 Nov 2004 23:28:18 PST
don't ask me- I just messaged Sarah and told her that, for no reason well, she practically is. *sigh* Sarah, Sarah Sarah... is coming to Brisbane.. well, Toowoomba, infact. She's going to a faaaaaaaaaaaarm. How fun. She gets to ride a M0T0RBIK3. She's not allowed on the computer for awhile.. blah I miss her. I might be able to see her this week, though, HOPEFULLY. Meh, actually I don't know if she'll be allowed... Saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarah

Here goes..

Tell me exactly what am I suposed to do nowthat i hav eallwoed you to beat me do you think d that we could pay another game maybe i coudl win this time i kin lik the misery you put me thrugh darling you can trust me ocmpletley if you eve tyr to look the other wya i think that i culodlkillt his time

HAHAHAHHAHA- My typing skills are simply PATHETIC. Well, at least I kept up with the song. I type kind of fast, I guess. I love that song! Bahhhhhhhhhhhhaheh. I've been playing the Sims : Urbz, or whatever it's called, I'm addicted. It's fun. I always make them kiss, or "suck face", or umm.. strip and dance. I can't remember what that ones called, but it's er- fun? Hmm. I love Fable- on xbox, it's THE BESTTTTTTTTTTTT GAME. God am I obsessed... I'd like to buy a PS2.

People are driving me insane. Iiiiiiiiinsane. I'm already insane, so how much crazier can I get?! So. I almost called her the other night, I didn't get a hold of her though, I needed to find out something. Bah. Oh well, 'tisn't so important anyway. And I mean, what the hell? Some certain person coming up to me and saying "Sucks to be you".. well I said to her "Sucks to be you 20x more" ok that was lame, I know. But, blah, so, I miss 2 days of school (I didn't have to go today because we're on exam block and I don't do science- thank god I'm dumb) and I'm in a hell of alot of trouble? Why can't I just shut myself off and pretend it didn't happen.. meh, it happened last term. Too. Ended with me in tears in front of the teacher. It's stupid, I know but hey!

Everyone is stressing about english, and I don't care. I'm really disappointed with myself that I don't give a shit anymore, it feels that its too late to turn around and "care" about my schoolwork. I wish I could do better. It's pathetic writing about it in my dA journal, but I guess it's what I really want, deep down, though I'm not sure if I would admit it. I wish someone would kind of think about how I'd feel before they say things to me. What if I said it to you- how cut would you be? Fuck, is nobody considerate? Ok, so a few people are, but nooooobody understands. I guess that's my fault, so I'm sorry. It's probably beacause I don't want anyone to understand. la laaaaaa.

I want to get something pierced. Well, when I'm 16. Either my tongue or labret. Probably leaning towards labret more, but there's work, school, blah blah. Meh. Stupid things. I want to dye my hair, something cool. Like I did with the blue ends and black. That was cool. Laaaaaaaaaaaala. So, Nick and I are going to have a movie night. WE ARE. So don't try and change your mind. It would be fun. If I'm allowed. We need to find someone's house too. I know one person who I can invite, I don't know who else I can because they wouldn't be allowed. Meh. I'm going to play my xbox. Hmmmmmmm. And tomorrow, school. heh. hehhhhhhh.

weeeeee. ]]> ~BeautifulScar http://BeautifulScar.deviantart.com/journal/3862491/ http://BeautifulScar.deviantart.com/journal/3862491/ Thu, 18 Nov 2004 04:46:50 PST
It's awesome, and.. it's awesome. Okay. I'm so fucking tired. I have to work tomorrow night, and I just want to relax after school one day... Maybe I won't go tomorrow, blah, I don't want to. I go to bed early, and what the hell do I get?! MORE Tiredness- it's this endless circle of joy. Work. Work is great. I really like it, and the people are great. Though alot of the time I'm tired as fuck from it, I really do enjoy it, and don't know what I'd do if I lost my job, bah. Ah well.

I have a headache. It's so hot, and I'm sure thats whats making it worse.. The heat, and stress. Haha, I know I'm stressed 24/7, it's a fun business. The stress business, that is. Hmmm. I'm going to fail my exams, I'm not kidding. Maths, well I'm failing that- SSC, that's already a fail and I haven't done it yet. I don't have a maths book. I've done 1% of the maths work that I've been allocated- my teacher doesn't care, and well, do I? Probably not. Nobody does. ¬_¬ Er. Anyway. English, well, I'm pretty unsure of that. Why do I suck at English SO fucking much!? I'm not saying that I'm expecting myself to be an A++++++++ student, but I hate.. sucking so much at it.

This chick is at my house babysitting. Hrmm, yeah. My iPod is cool, I just need to get some more songs for it- I have a few on my playlist on my computer, but I need to convert them to a different stupid fucking file format! Well, I feel like bitching, so if you're reading this ['sif you don't know who] cheers to you.

+i hate the way that you try to be me, but fail so fucking miserably.
+i hate your hair and everything about the way you wear it.
+i hate the way that you fucking ignore me when I'm making an effort to talk to you.
+i hate the way that you ignore everyone else.
+i hate your 'temporary amnesia' "Ooh, what was that? Nothing's wrong! Why are we fighting?"
+i hate your fucking handwriting.
+i hate the way that you talk as if you're the ringmaster in a fucking circus.
+i hate your stupid faces that you pull; whether it be sarcastic, or "concerned" or "im going to steal your joke, so let me steal your face too"
+i hate the way that you steal my jokes, everything that is me, and claim them for your own.
+i hate the way that you steal my fucking friends and those who are closest to me.
+i hate the fact that you have eyes everywhere, so called eyes, which see all, hear all, know everything that's going on, whether it's your business or not.
+i hate the fact that you're always wrong whether you'll admit it or not.
+i hate the way that "everyone hits on you."
+i hate your STUPID FUCKING POETRY.
+i hate your fucking art.
+i hate your little flying acts for attention at school, gee, let's be given comfort by the ones i apparently despise, loathe and would like to see dead.
+i hate your stupid double faces, choose who the hell you are and show the world.
+i hate your sympathy, i don't want it, screw you.
+i hate EVERY FUCKING THING ABOUT YOU.
+i hate that you're better than me.
+i hate your taste in music.
+i hate the fact that every day I have to pretty much resist not hitting you.
+i hate the fact that nothing you say is funny, simply pathetic.
+i hate the fact that you can get away with things that I can't even begin to do.
+i hate the fact that I can't say this to you, though you'll most likely read it anyway.
+i hate the fact that the world should pity you, though others are layed a heavier burden.
+i hate your singing voice, it's pathetic.
+i hate your fucking clothes, you stupid slut, i hate you.
+i hate the way you put others on a fucking guilt trip, though there's nothing i should be guilty for.
+i hate the fact that you know what's best for me.
+I HATE THE FACT THAT YOU'RE FUCKING OBSESSED WITH MY FRIENDS- I HATE IT.
+i hate the fact that you bitch about the closest of my friends, yet can turn around and worship them.
+i hate the fact that you attempt to keep your enemies closer to you, yet your little games are oh so pathetic.
+i hate the fact that you're sad enough to scunge little personalities off about 10 different people, yet claim to be an individual.
+i hate how you change your dress sense to suit certain peoples wants and needs, yet in the end we just want you to fuck off.
+i hate how your life is a nightmare, yet you can at least run home and have someone's shoulder to cry on.
+ yes, i hate you.

So, I feel better, maybe? Call me a bitch, it's like I care. But now I'm thinking that it's eit... ]]> ~BeautifulScar http://BeautifulScar.deviantart.com/journal/3854572/ http://BeautifulScar.deviantart.com/journal/3854572/ Wed, 17 Nov 2004 03:28:40 PST
M = Mum, E = Elissa/Me. Yes if you didn't know my name is Elissa..

EDIT : MY NAME IS ELISSA, NOT EILSSA, AS PREVIOUSLY TYPED.

E: Hey mum can I have a slurpie?
M: Dad just rang me, and Patrick's [my little brother] bag is in the car, we have to get home..
E: Please mum. It will be a minute.
[and as we near closer to the slurpie store... it's not really called that, but why can't I pretend]
E: Mum, please! I REALLY WANT A SLURPIE!!!!!!!!!!!!
M: We have to get home Elissa.
E: I REALLY REALLY REALLY WANT A SLURPIE! PLEASE MUM, PLAESE PLEASE I'LL DO ANYTHING. I WOULD HAVE BROUGHT MY WALLET IF I'D HAVE KNOWN I'D WANTED ONE.
[by now my mother is raising her eyebrows at my crys of despair, I'm seriously in pain and begin to franticly search the car]
E: HOW DO I TURN THE LIGHT ON?!?! MUM HOW DO I TURN IT ON!?!??!?!?
[my mum turns the light in the car on, and by now I have my seatbelt off and I'm throwing bags, clothes, CD's, etc. etc. everywhere looking for money.]
E: Yes. I found some.
[Slowly I count the money that I've found, thinking that I've really hit the jackpot, my total comes to 60 cents]
E: Please.. mum... can I have $1.20 more.. please.. please.. mum, please.. I'll do anything... I'll give you the money at home, please..
[By now, mum is getting creeped out, and begins to lecture me about my slurpie addiction]
M: You know, when we went to Sydney you had about 5 slurpies, that's one every day! You are honestly addicted, Elissa.
E: I know. Just whatever. I don't care. I want one.. really badly.
[mum looks for money, and yet again I go for a little car search. We got a new car about 4 months ago, it's a ford territory, and STILL I don't know half of the little compartments and pockets that are in the car.. so I'm checking everywhere possible. FINALLY, I come across her wallet.]

OKAY THIS IS GETTING BORING! In the end I got my slurpie.. they're so good. I know that they're bad for me. My dad has a slurpie machine at work, he owns a service station. lol. He always tells me about what's in them, and blah, I zone out, I can't remember. I have my drama performance tomorrow. I don't know my lines. This could be great. My group is alright, but I have to get to school early to practice. I'm picking my friend up on the way, and I'm scared she's going to have forgotten. Bah, humbug. Oh well. Shit, i want to stay home but fuck these exams! I have to buy presents for a ton of people, joy- Why did peoples parents have sex so that they were born in these few surrounding days- god, the nerve.

That's sick- why did I put it so bluntly like that!? Who knows. I am going to watch Spiderman 2, and Super size me. ew. Oh. I got my iPod. It's green, and a mini. Pretty cool. My friends are obsessed with it. Weeeeeeeeeeeeeiner. My brother has a TV in his fucking room, yet he's choosing to watch the one in the lounge room. My mum is watching the one in the garage. Can't wait until I get my own. Nobody is touching my fucking xbox then [SUCKED IN FOR MY LITTLE BROTHER WHO IS ABSOLUTELY OBSESSED WITH IT. He gets so stressed he cries. He's 7 years of age. 8 next year.]

I'm gonna somehow get a television TO WATCH MY MOVIES ON, or just browse dA, or .. something. ]]> ~BeautifulScar http://BeautifulScar.deviantart.com/journal/3829552/ http://BeautifulScar.deviantart.com/journal/3829552/ Sat, 13 Nov 2004 23:35:36 PST
I had to rant all this stuff, so wee. I feel better. Worked today, and I wish I didn't have to go to school tomorrow, but I do.. god...

It's been great. I MEAN FUCKING GREAT. To have a break from school, even if it's 4 days, 2 being the weekend. Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh trippy. My iPod is gonna be half paid off by tomorrow, AND HOPEFULLY THE PARENTALS WILL PUT IN MONEY. YES. Then I'll pay them back, eventually..
Perhaps i can get it for christmas, er, actually, I already got buffy for christmas, or maybe my mum was just saying that so I wouldn't feel bad. Maybe she'll take the DVDs from my room and wrap them up and clean the disks/cases so they look new. No, we're not quite that sad.

These songs DO bring back memories. Of like, my "mopey love life". I want to grow up. But I don't. Laaaaaaaa. I got out like 10000000 movies, and 2 games. I want to find some Amber Benson movies. I thought she was in race the sun, but then I realised that it was Bye Bye Love (With Eliza Dushku- OH MY FUCKING GOD THE TWO OF THE. WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE. IN ONE MOVIE. WEEE. I DON'T HAVE TO PRETEND THAT THEY ARE IN THE SAME MOVIE.) ok how sad. Because they actually are. I'm ending this journal, and perhaps going to play my xb000000x or something.

I watched.. AHH MUST FINISH JOURNAL.. BUT MUST TALK ABOUT BUFFY! I've seen the ep's before, but I was watching the final 3 Buffy episodes. Angel came back at the end of the second last one, and I started to cry. I mean, I couldn't stop, and I was laughing at the stupidest things.. It was happy crying I think that's the thing for it, and when Andrew and Anya had the little fight in the wheelchair, holy fuck was I laughing! I was like "wow.. buffy is so great.. legenddddddary.." Ok this is the end, bye ]]> ~BeautifulScar http://BeautifulScar.deviantart.com/journal/3820885/ http://BeautifulScar.deviantart.com/journal/3820885/ Fri, 12 Nov 2004 20:21:22 PST

Not much to say.. $300 more to pay off my iPod, but after Tuesday there will only be $200, and I think my parents will put that in. It's silver. ew. I know, I regret the colour, but I think that I'd grow to hate any other colour. Fuck, in fact I want blue.. or green. Blue. Yes. Oh well. I'm listening to music that I haven't listened to in ages. Muse, Nightwish.. lately I've only listened to Disturbed... Now I'm listening to those two ^ and a few other, I dunno, it's weird. Bond are so skanky. I have this live dvd of them, and they look retardedly hilarious when they "concentrate" whilst playing their little string instruments.

I watched mean girls last night (OHMYGODIKNOW) I haven't sat down and watched a movie in like, ages.. I've been watching Buffy everyday, and playing my xbox. 'tis fun. I haven't been to school in 2 days, joy- like a 4 day weekend. I'm so sick of school. Can't it just burn down? Heh, season 3 Buffy season finale- er, never mind. I love this song! Mistress - Disturbed. This entry is so random, but I just can't stop myself from typing. My cats hate me. Well, yeah. They do. OK, so they just hide from me kinda.. sometimes......alot... I don't know, Aisha used to like me now she never comes to me, and Fluffy .. well, she's always been kind of shy.

I KNOW MY CATS NAMES ARE HORRIBLE. I named Aisha after the yellow power ranger I was like, five. So, shutup. And Fluffy, well, she's Aisha's daughter. God this is pathetic, I'm like talking about my cats! And nobody cares, anyway I'll go on. They're both like... orange/white, and Aisha is quite a good looking cat.. Fluffy is really fluffy! I dunno why, she looks like Aisha, but her coat is gorgeous, it's so thicccccccck. Haha, sucked in for her, it's so hot. That's why I'd hate to be a cat. That reminds me, I went to this pool last holidays, and I was on a water slide with my friend, and it was really dark and i was PETRIFIED. I was screaming "IT'S SO DARK!! I WISH I WAS A CAT SO THAT I COULD SEE IN THE DARK!" then we got off the slide and I spilt my drink everywhere. And it was cold. Oooh. I once caught a bus into the city, when I actually didn't mean to, I missed my stop and it was like an hour and a half. Haha.

I feel like I'm drunk- just saying all of this. Ooh, because I'm saying all this shit that I've like never told anyone. I want to go to a concert. I'm thinking of going to big day out, but I don't think I will.. I don't know who will want to go with me, but honestly.. I'll go with anyone. Please. I really want to go. Oh well. I have exams, and I don't know when they are. Great la la la I wish that I could get grand theft auto working on my computer. I love the old game, it's classic. I've played Vice City and GTAIII, and they're great, the graphics are amazing, especially compared to the original one. but, the original one is fun.. and, original.

I guess I'm kind of just saying this because nobody would want to listen to me in real life, because this whole entry is just bullshit, so weeeeee. It's like I'm talking to myself. Oh, we had a "goodbye" mass/liturgy/thing for the people leaving.. I'm close to 2 of them, and I was bawling my eyes out. It's so weird, not until this year, I've NEVER NEVER NEVER EVER EVER EVER cried in front of anyone. I don't know, I'm not saying that's my little achievement or anything like that, but I think I've cried like.... 2x in the past week or so, and a few other times this year. Mostly due to teachers and trouble at school, bah. But the recent 2x have been due to people leaving. But... ]]> ~BeautifulScar http://BeautifulScar.deviantart.com/journal/3798588/ http://BeautifulScar.deviantart.com/journal/3798588/ Wed, 10 Nov 2004 02:24:34 PST if that's even an emoticon.

Kim and I went shopping (as usual) and just did random shit... obviously dropped my bag at my grandfathers which is next to the shopping centre, and walked over at like 4pm.. I bought Kim food, and then I just spent the rest of my money on random stuff for us both. We were planning to go back to Kim's later, because we needed to finish this assignment. The fucking teacher told us today that we need seperate copies of it, and we only have one.


So, at 6 my parents called asking where I was, and I'm like "yep, we're gonna get on a bus and go back to Kim's, I might be finished like 7..." So dad said that was ok, then mum called me about 5 minutes later asking whats im, im like "fucking hell, its sorted, leave me alone" Yeah, I am kind of rude to my parents, I do realise. Kim and I kind of lost track of time, we bought those sticky hand thingys, and stuck them on the escalators and they never came back... We were laughing our heads off. We got photos, of us, in this photo booth thing, they're pretty cool. Then we went in the kids playground for 5 and under... It was fun, and we were hiding from the cleaners and stuff.. (hey what's new, i do it with my grandfather....)

Hmm. Parents rang at like 6:50 and asked where I was, and I told them that I was getting on a bus with Kim just then. Then they pulled in, and they were pissed cos it was late, but hey! W went back to my grandfathers to get our bags, and Kim asked if I could sleep over.. It's usually ok with her mum, so I asked and parentals said no- but we actually had to work on an assignment. As usual, my mum didn't believe me. She said she'd ring my teacher about my "lies" but honestly please DO go ahead, it's unfair on the rest of the class and myself even- what he's done to us. Parentals said no about Kim's place, so we got to Kim's, and dad and I walked Kim in.

Kim quickly just asked her mum if it was cool if I slept over, and she said okay. So I walked back to the car, and grabbed my bag and shit and said I was sleeping over Kim's and they "couldn't stop me". Kind of lame if you think about it... But, my parents said "no you don't have permission, blah blah blah blah blah bullshit blah" so I walked back in with my bag, and my mum and her mum, with my dad standing around, decided to have a little discussion about the two of us. Kim and I were listening around the corner, and for some of it we were laughing because it was so fucking pathetic- some things like I apparently steal money off my mother, we hang out with pedophiles, hm what else. It's bullshit. We are concocting some little "scams" EVERY AFTERNOON. Apparently. Even if I don't hang out with Kim every afternoon, something is going on.

So, in other words they think we're doing all this shit, which we are clearly fucking not. I obviously didn't end up sleeping over, so we left Kim's and I started fucking yelling at my mum. WTF- I don't fucking steal off her. Just, all this bullshit both parents were making up. It's not my place to say anythnig about Kim's mum, and anyway she wasn't making up shit like my mum. On the car on the way home, I put on headphones and listened to my music really fucking loudly. Funny. God. Oh well. Things like that are what make me REALLY want to move out of home. !

I don't want to go to school tomorrow. Blahfuck. heh. I might go out. I dunno what to do. I hate to say it, but I do believe that this just makes me want to do more shit to my parents. But, what shit exactly am I doing? Hmm, staying out at 6:30pm? God, even when I was catching a bus to someone's house with SOMEONE ELSE. I'm not that stupid. :\ So, I can kind of laugh in a way, because I'm not doing anything wrong, but hey , if they think I'm doing this shit, then why can't I? They've pretty much clearly explained to me what is wrong, so why not make it happen?

I might g... ]]> ~BeautifulScar http://BeautifulScar.deviantart.com/journal/3757644/ http://BeautifulScar.deviantart.com/journal/3757644/ Fri, 05 Nov 2004 03:53:56 PST
Today was the seniors last official normal lessons day.. it was awful. Well, I hate saying that because I'm not the one who has known these girls for five years, many of them I've only become friends with in the past few months. Perhaps that's the saddest thing, leaving a good friend you've only gotten to know... someone who means the world to you..

I'm sorry I'm babbling. It's just that times like these I tend to regret a lot, and I really can't deal. Not including the year 12's, I have 2 friends leaving after this year. One of them is in my PC- She means so much to me.. I don't know if she knows it, but I'm going to miss her so much. Fuck.. At our PC lunch today, we were just giving each other advice and things like that, only the seniors were crying. Then we got onto the topic of Sarah, the one who's leaving, and how much we will miss her.. She started to cry, and seeing her so upset like that tore me up inside. I can't stand people that I love being upset like that, I couldn't take it and started to cry too. Then the other year 10 cried. Blahh. She's changing schools, so maybe I can still see her, but she's in my PC so I've seen her every morning, and afternoon for the past 3 years.

My other friend is moving interstate. A few months, maybe even weeks ago, I felt like I was horrible to her. I feel awful for doing so, and I don't know why I was- I didn't do it intentionally to hurt her, god- I don't know what the fuck was up with me. Now she's leaving, and whether she knows it or not, she's really special to me, and I'm going to miss her. alot. There will be an empty hole inside of me where she once fit in, *sigh*

Another friend of mine, in year 12.. I've only gotten to know over the last 2 months. I regret not knowing her longer. She's so fucking special to me. I wrote her a card/poem/thing and told her that- she started crying. I felt bad for making her cry, but everything just feels so sudden. It felt like one minute it was just "Hi, hows it going?" then "I'll miss you. " I'm getting really upset writing this.. I didn't cry in front of her today- heh I've done that before, when I was in trouble for the maths thing.. another story. Anyway. It really broke my heart to see her so upset like that. I just hugged her. I didn't cry, I kind of in a way felt safe when she was hugging me, but it really was quite sad... I've only got to know her, but it has been one of the greatest friendships I've had, it's just been different, great, fun, amazing.. it sounds lame, I know. But .. I can't write anymore about her, I just can't believe how quickly this has passed..


So, where do we go from here? More like where do I go from here.. I don't know what to do next year.. Whether to leave school, or stick with it. It gets even, well, more confusing.. I don't know what I'd do if I left. I think it would be for the better if I did, because I can't stay at school. Hmm, a few people have told me what to do.. I mean, in the school matter. I just kind of feel that everything would go on as normal if I wasn't there anymore, that nobody would be like "remember Elissa..." or "... Elissa used to...." I don't mean to say that the world should screw itself over with hurt and pain, sadness.. blah blah, because I've left school. Sometimes I never feel as though I'm appreciated for some stuff I do..... That's why I love work. I get treated equally, and spending time with older people is fun. I'm the youngest But, I enjoy it.

This is turning into a huge rant. Blah blah blah. I OFFICIALLY HAVE ALL OF BUFFY!!!!!!!!! YESSSSSSSS, CELEBRATION. I HAVE EVERY SINGLE EPISODE OF BUFFY. THAT'S 42 DISCS. I LOVEEEEEEEE MYSELF FOR BEING SO OBSESSED. IT'S FUN. THAT DIDN'T MAKE SENSE. AND I'M TYPING IN CAPITAL LETTERS. .... That's fun. I think. This rant shall end. Perhaps I'll post more later.

Oh. Daniel is at Bond. I might see him later this week.. Blah. I SO don't want to go to school Monday, maybe I can catch up with him. Hehe. I need to ask him how they went concentrating... ]]> ~BeautifulScar http://BeautifulScar.deviantart.com/journal/3730444/ http://BeautifulScar.deviantart.com/journal/3730444/ Tue, 02 Nov 2004 02:47:57 PST
I don't know what to do about school. I've heard countless times that yes, it will get better- but I've had a fucking loathing for school since last year. I'm talking to one of my friends about it now, and I don't know if anyone realises how much I hate it. Okay this is fun, I'm crying. Times like this I wish I had a computer in my room. heh. I hate crying when you know you shouldn't, it hurts even more.. well, for me, and i'm just retarded. I had 2 days off school last week, yet the 3 day week was still hell. How the fuck do I survive with 5 days.

I understand everybody's genuine hate for school and I understand my almost 2-year-old whinging is growing tired. I do. But I feel as though nobody is listening to me, perhaps I mainly mean my parents, but this longer-than-usual hating school phase is annoying me. I want to leave. I don't care what I do with my fucking life. I just want to leave. So what if I end up being unemployed and shit, that's probably where I was meant to be going. I'd prefer to be called a dropout, etc. then stay at school and feel worse than I already do.

I can't take this anymore. I'm sorry but I really can't. And I can't explain it to people, and .. blah, just fucking hell. I feel as though I'm kind of running out of options here. I feel really pathetic ranting this on my site. But. I.DON'T.CARE.
I'm growing apart, well, I feel as if I am, from someone I really love. I hate this. The fact that we could never officially be together is really what eats away at me, it hurts. So, maybe this person hasn't said it so much, but I know that they've given up on me. I'm sorry. And I know that they have every right to give up on me, because yes, I am pathetic. Fucking worthless. Pretty much anything that anyone can say can't fix this. I'm sorry, I don't know what can.

I want to.. i dunno. I don't know what I need to fix this.. I just need a break.. or something.. some friends are getting to me (REALLY FUCKING GETTING TO ME) and I wish they would back off. Of course I'd never have the nerve to say anything to them about it, because, of course everything I say is used against me, taken in the wrong way, blah blah blah. Whatever... I realise, yes, that I am posting this in a public place for just about everyone to read, but the certain ones who go snooping around ¬_¬ fucking hell- snooping through my shit. It's there for you to see, OF FUCKING COURSE, but if I wanted you to see it then I would show you it, wouldn't I now.

Schoolwork, blah. So many people are on my fucking back. Another reason why I hate school. I hate myself because I can't do anything. Everyone is overtaking me, heh I am like shaking now. Oh well. Yeah. I wish i was smarter. That I could make people more proud of me. But there is pretty much nothing that I have to offer. Yes, I have feelings, I wish I was smarter and I wish I could be fucking bothered to try.

I love this song.. "It doesn't matter" by Alison Krauss.

It doesn't matter what I want
It doesn't matter what I need
It doesn't matter if I cry
Doesn't matter if I bleed
Feel the sting of tears
Falling on this face you've loved for years

blah blah blah blah blah blah. It doesn't matter. I don't know what else to write, I suck at getting things into words. This whole journal has been, well, the same thing just reworded, well so I think. heh ]]> ~BeautifulScar http://BeautifulScar.deviantart.com/journal/3698054/ http://BeautifulScar.deviantart.com/journal/3698054/ Thu, 28 Oct 2004 22:18:26 PDT I've had 4 shifts this week, all finishing at 10pm, and after I get home I can't sleep until at least midnight, so, hooray.

Blah. I feel so crappy. um. I didn't go to school today, I didn't go to school Tuesday, either. God I feel really sick, really really sick. So many people are pissing me off, it's not just that they piss me off.. for no reason, they're ignoring me, and, well, i'm not the only one who realises that they do that.
Okay, that made no sense, but I don't care, it's for me to rant not you.. so yay.
my brother was supposed to be taking a gap year next year in England, but i just found out that he wasn't accepted. FUCKING HELL. I can't take having him around for another year. He doesn't have a job, he never goes out.. he does shit, he's going to be around 24/7. Grr, oh god.
I've spent soo much money lately on like, just stuff... And there are so many people's birthdays coming up, so there you go- it also kind of sucks when you have to return peoples presents. It's embarassing and I hate it.

I'm thinking I might cut my hair. Not like, really short, but just a bit shorter... as much as I'd like to grow it longer, it's too fucking hot- well, not just that, but I feel like a change. Goddamnit. I much preferred it when people didn't go onto my site, dig through my journals, read them, and use my own words against me... I can't say names, nor can I go into anymore "detail" even though what I'm saying is pretty vague, but it pisses me off that I can't have my own little place to rant and stuff like that. I've used about 50 0000000000000000 live journals, and I don't like them, they just annoy me. Ahh well.

Haha, I found the funniest picture at school, my friends and I were just laughing, even though now it doesn't seem so funny.

[link]
"Weeeee, it's the rainbow satan tree!"

The most fucking hilarious thing happened at school, yesterday. we were having speeches from the year 11's going for school captain and stuff next year, and this girl that I dont like.. she was running to catch this ball, except she like tripped and stacked it. I'm sorry if I sound mean to laugh, but my friend and i were laughing so much.. AND, that's not the best bit- someone was throwing these lollies, they were like hard, and one hit this girl smack bang in the forehead... and like, bounced off. I'm sorry... it was SO FUCKING HILARIOUS! Like everyone I have told is like "oh my god that's horrible!" but....... oh well. You had to be there. I was laughing to myself about it before.

Aren't i sad. ]]> ~BeautifulScar http://BeautifulScar.deviantart.com/journal/3659922/ http://BeautifulScar.deviantart.com/journal/3659922/ Sun, 24 Oct 2004 00:25:55 PDT Will this do a thing to change her? Am I leaving Dawn in Danger!?

What if Buffy can't defeat it? Beady eyes is right we're needed!

I love the Buffy musical. *sigh* I'm so fucking obsessed. Oh well, but it rules. It's really overcast. I'm looking outside, and hmm it's nice, I guess, I really want it to rain. I have the house to myself for a bit, because my brother and dad are at the indy, and my mum and brother and sister are out.. somewhere.

It's getting kind of dark- right, that's because it is 5:17pm.. Once I get some money I'm going to buy like, a ton of stuff online.. Please please please pay me Monday night. I can't wait until Tuesday. I love talking to myself.

IF MY HEART COULD BEAT IT WOULD BREAK MY CHEST!! - Spike
I love Spiiiiike..
Bah, work. It's alright. A little freaked out about stuff, but a few people are being really nice about it, and I might have a chat to my manager and stuff. Well I'm going to watch buffy *yet again, i've watched it every night, or every second night for the past 2 weeks* ]]> ~BeautifulScar http://BeautifulScar.deviantart.com/journal/3631646/ http://BeautifulScar.deviantart.com/journal/3631646/ Wed, 20 Oct 2004 01:54:43 PDT I wanted to go home after 2 days in Sydney, *sigh* Oh well.


I've failed.. like, so much stuff. Well, I haven't failed so much as my marks aren't as good as I would have liked, and I don't mean like B's or whatever, but I mean.... C's, in things I could have passed easily with A's... Oh well. I was looking at my report card, how depressing.

There is no point me being here, I mean it. I hate to rant like this, infact I haven't so openly ranted like this for many many many many a ... month, well, a year or so. To the majority of people reading this I am just an "angsty teen" or an attention seeking kid, blah I don't care. If you think it, that's fine for you.
Today I just realised how worthless I am when it comes to alot of things.. I swear that nobody even realised that I was away.
I got back it was like...

"Hi did you have fun!?" [ not that you care ]
"Sydney is nice!" [ not like i care ]
"Why haven't you been at school?" [ i was on a fucking holiday, you idiot ]
Oh well. It didn't seem as if anybody wanted to hear about, oh, just the fucking best time of my life. As much as I wanted to go home for the majority of the trip, seeing Sarah and Daniel were highlights.. they really made it worth it.. i miss them now. So much.
Oh well. Enough of my ranting. Heh. I have about 1000000000 photos, and I've posted 3 already, I never have "posting-spree's" so, please cut me some slack..

I'm sorry if you've left me a comment lately, and I haven't replied, or if you've noted me or something... I haven't had time to read it, and just cleared my message system out.. So, well, sorry ]]> ~BeautifulScar http://BeautifulScar.deviantart.com/journal/3600867/ http://BeautifulScar.deviantart.com/journal/3600867/ Sat, 16 Oct 2004 02:29:38 PDT
For I cannot live without the internet... I will wither and die! Okay, that makes me sound really sad. Perhaps I am though. Perhaps I am. If Daniel reads this, hey! Daniel and I had a great time yesterday.. I haven't seen him in a few months, and after walking quite a while we found each other.. this old pedophile dude was marrying this practically 12 year old.. Jailbait.

I CAN'T DO MY LITTLE FACE. ¬_¬ There. I copy and pasted it from some thing because I am sad. Dan and I walked across the harbour bridge.. AHH, WE WANTED TO CLIMB UP THE PILLAR THING BUT WE LIKE GOT THERE AND THEY SHUT!!! We wanted to climb a tree in the botanical gardens... but they were all shitty and unclimbable. That's a new word. Hey, they're playing greenday. Um. We walked around circular.... quay... or whatever it's called. I had blisters on my shoes, err I mean my feet, so PAINFUL!!! We walked ages. But it was kind of nice.

OMG THERE'S A PICTURE OF AN ANCIENT WEINER WITH SAUCE ON IT... ON THE WALL. Nevermind. These pictures are sooo old! What do you expect from a 'city convenience store' nah, it's cool.

The flight here was really nice, we had an international flight, it had gone from London to Singapore, so the plane was really nice. I played nintendo on the plane and watched friends, listened to the radio and watched Spiderman 2... 'twas nice. We flew through a cloud and it was so nice. Not that you care. I'm just random and boring and get amused easily. I was wondering.. when you look down, what does it mean when there's like.. shadows on the land- it looks like shadows, I don't know, just like.. yeah. I am like dancing at my computer. *Stares at phone*

Anyway.. Daniel, yeah, he gave me a bracelet.. which was really nice of him, on the back it had ' Happy B'day Daniel' kind of a belated birthday thing. We did quite alot yesterday, which I really enjoyed.. Sarah and I caught up today, and she brought her boyfriend John with her, and he ended up being SOOOOOOOO NICE. It took an hour and a half for us to find each other, we got the places mixed up.. She was in Darling Harbour and I was in Circular Quay (OR WHATEVER IT IS) So.. yeah. lol. There was this mime dude at circular quay, and these old ladies were watching him and playfully being teased.. LMAO- they were laughing.. THEY WERE LAUGHING LIKE FUCKING HYENAS. THEY WERE SCREAMING. LIKE 7 OF THEM. I WAS LAUGHING. So funny. Trust me. Um

Sarah and I saw these old people arguing.. hey, carwash is on.. lol. Um, I don't know if John saw them, but the old lady goes " YOU KNOW YOUR PROBLEM!? YOU'RE SO SLOW!" And the man goes " WELL YOU'RE STUPID!" Sooooooooooo fucking funny. I'm laughing thinking about it. Yeah. We walked ages... Even though I put this stuff on my blisters, the pain is still there. Damn my converse. I bought some lothes, and got a really nice CK jacket. Oh, we saw the lion king!

Okay. I was soooo skeptical about it, I mean- how could they turn a great cartoon into a musical that is apparently good?! I've heard great things about it, but how could they entice the audience besides placing subliminal messages in their songs!? I'm kidding. The lion king was awesome. One of the best musical's i've seen in my life, everything about it was pretty much perfect! I came from Brisbane to see it, so it's really worth it. Really. Really. Really worth it. Damn. The guy who is working at this convenience store keeps staring over at what I'm typing, so I made my msn font really tiny, and I am like half hiding this window.. He's creepy.. YES GUY, I MEAN YOU!!!! He's like unpacking these boxes and eating these lollies whilst unpacking it.. How, fun!?

NOW HIS PHONE IS RINGING. OH MY GOD. He answered it and goes "hello, Chipowie" Ok I shouldn't laugh. But I'm by myself and I have 25 minutes left. I've been writing this journal the whole time. He's speaking in another language.. Hm. Well, yeah, I am apparently not allowed on the internet whilst our trip is on, even though I might go to another internet cafe as my life is sad.. and pretty much nonexistent. I've done quite a bit of walking- I DESERVE THIS.

So, well, yes.... I can't be fucked to answer any comments, so I apolagise for everyone who has left me any.... I, just yeah. I'm going to go be with Chipowie... actually just do random stuff on the net for uh.. 23 mIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINUTtTtTTtTEeEesSS!!
So, bye. http://BeautifulScar.deviantart.com/journal/3585843/ Thu, 14 Oct 2004 01:22:09 PDT BLARGH. I have seven pairs of shoes I want to pack, but I'm only going for about 5 days so I'm not even going to have time to wear that many shoes! I feel so stupid saying something like that, but well, yes. ¬_¬


This won't be a long entry, and I won't have time to reply to any of this I don't think. I've been going to bed at 12-1 am, and tonight I know I've got to go to bed earlier, because I get up like.. abit past 4 am. I HAVEN'T GOTTEN UP EVEN 6 AM FOR ABOUT A YEAR OR SO!! Ohh well. I'm excited about seeing Daniel. That's ... yeah. MY EAR IS BLOCKED. Gaahhhh.. My clothes need to dry like- RIGHT NOW. Well. I have to pack. I'll rewrite another entry when I come back. I'm definately going to taronga zoo, and seeing the lion king, sydney aquarium, harbour cruise.. they're definate. Mum and I have a 2 day sydney pass which means we can do like, everything in Sydney.. well, not quite everything, but well yes.

My mum is stressing me. ¬_¬ SO i better go. Yes. Well. I'm extremley petrified of heights, and I have a window seat on the plane. How, joyful? SO- I MIGHT be able to use my phone on the plane, *fingers crossed that they will let us* because the quantas people said if they turn on this crap or something then we can use phones. So. Yay. I will be like calling everyone and stressing.

Funny thing- [link]

Go there. I swear. It's hilarious. Lmfao. ]]> ~BeautifulScar http://BeautifulScar.deviantart.com/journal/3553548/ http://BeautifulScar.deviantart.com/journal/3553548/ Sat, 09 Oct 2004 22:53:28 PDT
I lived my life in shadow
Never the sun on my face
It didn't seem so sad though
I figured that was my place
Now I'm bathed in light
Something just isn't right

I'm under your spell
How else could it be
Anyone would notice me?
It's magic I can tell
How you set me free
Brought me out so easily

I saw a world enchanted
Spirits and charms in the air
I always took for granted
I was the only one there
But your power shone
Brighter than any I've known

etc. etc. BLAHHHHHH BLAH BLAH. It sounds so bad, but it's really lovely. Willow and Tara are so sweet I'm so obsessed. I have every Buffy dvd now except for season 7. I see Daniel this Friday. We're going to stay up all night watching Buffy on Monday. I've never stayed up all night, so this will be a first.. I think we could do it- We have just about everything to talk about. oh god- ON THE BUFFY MUSICAL DVD THERE IS KARAOKE

*sigh* I'm such a geek and I know it. I've got so much buffy to watch.. So yay. Not counting today.. There are.. four days until I see him. Well, we leave really early Friday morning- so I'm not counting Friday.. even though, well, yeah. I have a headache I'm going to watch Buffy *AGAIN* Bye, ]]> ~BeautifulScar http://BeautifulScar.deviantart.com/journal/3516039/ http://BeautifulScar.deviantart.com/journal/3516039/ Tue, 05 Oct 2004 02:36:44 PDT
I went back to school- I SCHOOL IT'S SO FUN. heh. I fucking hate school. I stillllllll want to leave- Or.. something. Yeah. AGAIN- This person is bringing up the doctors. I don't know whether I will go or not.
So fucking confusing. I don't know what to say. I want to rant, but I don't. I just want a holiday. Hence the fact I see Daniel in about 9 days. *sigh*
I'm upset. I was crying just before. I hate keeping secrets from people but I kind of have to. Oh well. I can't type anymore, I feel really out of it- Like I'm going to pass out. Fuck I'm so stupid ]]> ~BeautifulScar http://BeautifulScar.deviantart.com/journal/3486157/ http://BeautifulScar.deviantart.com/journal/3486157/ Fri, 01 Oct 2004 07:47:02 PDT I have a feeling thats not an emoticon, so if its not then I completley suck. Eurgh, my hair looks green. I don't know why. I've been playing Buffy: Chaos Bleeds and its really stressful.

I Crash Bandicoot! God, I haven't played it in ages. Oh my god I have a spending problem. I have spent all my money. Heh. I'm seeing Daniel and Sarah not this friday but next. Holy fuck- I haven't been excited about anything for about a year. Its like when you are a kid and you're counting down practically the weeks until christmas... every day you pretty much mark off your calender. Sure, don't get me wrong I have been excited about things before, but NEVER NEVER NEVER lately have I been really excited and looking forward to something. I don't know. Maybe its because I don't want to get let down, so I don't bother getting excited.

But this is set in stone. 15th-19th. I'm going on the Friday, then over the weekend, then Monday is a public holiday/pupil free day, whatever and then I come back Tuesday night. Its good, we get to Sydney early Friday morning, and come back late Tuesday night. God I am so glad to be catching up with Sarah, finally. Daniel- well, I don't really think that I need to explain that. God I am going to use up like 100000000 rolls of film. I hope I get some good photos this time. Fuck I need to buy him a present. I've been brain storming for this (heh, brain storming) for seriously AGES.
Any clues, anyone? I want to get him something nice, eg. If I was a guy, and Daniel was a chick (scary thought) then I'd get him/her a really nice necklace or a bracelet. Get my drift? - I want something kind of special... I hope hes not reading this Hi, if he is anyway.

I really don't know what to get him SOMEONE HELP ME. heh. My mum thinks that I'm going to see Daniel like two, three times. Uh. This sounds absoutly horrible, but my mum and I are really going to see the lion king and see some "sights" heh. I only want to go, really, to see Daniel and Sarah. Yeah. They are both so fucking special to me, but since I'm a sort of person who sometimes looks on the bad side of things before the good, its only 5 days... Oh well. I'm glad to be going. Kind of nervous in a way, about things with Dan and I will go. I sound so stupid worrying about this. Actually I'm not worried, I'm pretty happy.

I'm really fucking tired and its not 12:46am.. I completley forgot that I was writing this.. I'm going to play my x-box
FUUUUUUUCK SCHOOL ON MONDAY. Fuck fuck fuck fuck I don't want to go. Anyway, bye? ]]> ~BeautifulScar http://BeautifulScar.deviantart.com/journal/3462890/ http://BeautifulScar.deviantart.com/journal/3462890/ Tue, 28 Sep 2004 02:04:42 PDT
]]> ~BeautifulScar http://BeautifulScar.deviantart.com/journal/3439212/ http://BeautifulScar.deviantart.com/journal/3439212/ Fri, 24 Sep 2004 20:54:50 PDT
[ 1 ] First grade teacher's name: Mrs... Peeters? Um.
[ 2 ] Last word you said: Bye (To Daniel)
[ 3 ] Last song you sang: Bootylicious - Destiny's Child.. With Daniel Except we were fucking the words up
[ 4 ] Last person you hugged: Belinda.. yesterday
[ 5 ] Last thing you laughed at: Um. Dan's dog Ziggy running up and down the hallway and going psycho
[ 6 ] Last time you said I dont fucking remember: I don't fucking remember.
[ 7 ] Last time you cried: Um, yesterday morning..
[ 8 ] What's in your CD player: That would be Muse- Absolution
[ 9 ] What color socks are you wearing: NONE.
[ 10 ] What's under your bed: Everything.
[ 11 ] What time did you wake up today: Midday lol
[ 12 ] Current taste: Fruit tingles, heh
[ 13 ] Current hair: Its.. kind of gross from rolling in the grass and running through the sprinklers, actually its okay.
[ 14 ] Current clothes: 3/4 length brown cord pants, this black singlet and this cream coloured jacket.. hey i just woke up leave me alone
[ 15 ] Current annoyance: Work. ¬_¬
[ 16 ] Current longing: To see someone... again.. this holidays.
[ 17 ] Current desktop picture: This background that Sarah made for me (OK she didnt make it for me, but she sent it to me..)
[ 18 ] Current worry: School.. I DON'T FUCKING WANT TO GO BACK.
[ 19 ] Current hate: School. ¬_¬
[ 20 ] Current favorite article of clothing: I don't know. Oh. Actually. This really cool white zip up jacket I bought like a week ago. A week and one day ago. It has grass stains on the elbow though.
[ 21 ] Favorite physical feature of the opposite sex: Face?
[ 22 ] Last CD that you listened to: Showbiz - Muse
[ 23 ] Favorite place to be: Out.
[ 24 ] Least favorite place: Home.
[ 25 ] Time you wake up in the morning: I just answered that question.
[ 26 ] If you could play an instrument, what would it be: The drums.. when I have enough money.. Blah.
[ 27 ] Favorite color: Black (though its not a colour) maybe, sort of, midnight blue?
[ 28 ] Do you believe in an afterlife: I don't know.
[ 29 ] How tall are you: Not that tall.. not that short..
[ 30 ] Current favorite word/saying: Ziggy
[ 31 ] Favorite book: I don't know.
[ 32 ] Favorite season: Of Buffy? that would be season 3. Nah, I don't know. I don't mind.
[ 33 ] One person from your past you wish you could go back and talk to: Fuck, there are alot of people. I hate questions like that.
[ 34 ] Favorite day: Friday- AFTERNOON.


[[[ FUTURE ]]]


[ 35 ] Where do you want to go: NSW
[ 36 ] What is your career going to be like: Um.. something to do with writing?
[ 37 ] How many kids do you want: I don't know. Whatever happens.. happens
[ 38 ] What kind of car will you have: Blah. I wouldn't have a clue.


[[[ HAVE YOU EVER... ]]]


[Gotten in a fight w/your dog/cat/bird/fish, etc: ] My duck tried to rape me.. one day.. in the pool. heh. My cat scratched me the other day.
[ Been to New York?: ] Nope.
[ Been to Florida?: ] Nope.
[ San Diego, Cali?: ] N0o000OOoo00oOo0
[ Hawaii?: ] No.
[ Mexico?: ] gah no
[ China?: ] I don't think so
[ Canada?: ] Blehhhhhhh no
[ Danced naked?: ] Um. Of course not.
[ Dreamed something really crazy and then it happened the next day:] I can't remember.
[ Wanted to be the opposite sex: ] Who hasn't. lol

[[[ RANDOM ]]]


[ Do you have a crush on someone?: ] Oh yes.
[ What book are you reading now?: ] Nothing
[ Worst feeling in the... ]]> ~BeautifulScar http://BeautifulScar.deviantart.com/journal/3433324/ http://BeautifulScar.deviantart.com/journal/3433324/ Fri, 24 Sep 2004 01:39:51 PDT
I went to the roma street parklands with my friend Belinda today- I had so much fun, I haven't had such a great day in a long time. We talked, and stuff, and flicked through cleo- They had the most funny stuff in there, I swear. We talked about umm everything I think, which was pretty great.
We saw these baby ducklings and the mother- SO CUTE. They were following her, I was like
Yeah. Then I ran through the sprinklers, so that's why I'm so wet. Then I just sat there in a ball whilst the water sprayed me half to death. I had fun, though.

I'm going to be so sick, god I swear! I walked into work to get some movies out and I'm like " I got kind of wet.." I look so poor, I've stopped dripping but my hair is kind of wet. I blow dried and straightened it this morning. How fucking annoying! Oh well, it was really great.

And I can't be FUCKEEEEEEEEEEED to type a long entry, so, yes. I'm seeing Daniel on the 15th to the 19th of October. Hip hip hooray. I need to do shopping before then.. And buy a "ziggy" name tag and collar for his dog.. Don't ask. I love being random.
Yay. Yay. I hate aim- it's so irritating. I hope that it dies. No, I lied. Its okay. Nah, its annoying. Okk I'm fighting a battle with myself. I'm so cool. And my clothes smell REALLY... nice.
Farewell

I WANT TO DO SOMETHING. NOW. I'M SICK OF WATCHING MOVIES AND SHIT!!!!!!!!! OKAY OKAY OKAY. I MIGHT GO LIE DOWN. OR SOMETHING. I'M REALLY HUNGRY.

]]> ~BeautifulScar http://BeautifulScar.deviantart.com/journal/3381916/ http://BeautifulScar.deviantart.com/journal/3381916/ Fri, 17 Sep 2004 03:33:33 PDT -------------
but school is over- so, yay.
for two weeks..
until I fucking go back.
so i'm not really looking forward to it that much.
i have to work.
i don't want to.
i'm stressed because, well, because i am.
and i want to leave school.
but oh well.
i'm seeing daniel from the 15th to the 19th of october.
and i am rambiling and its fun.
and the muse concert was good.
i got humped by lots of girls.
how fun.
and this is about the most annoying journal entry to read.

so, goodbye

]]> ~BeautifulScar http://BeautifulScar.deviantart.com/journal/3337366/ http://BeautifulScar.deviantart.com/journal/3337366/ Sat, 11 Sep 2004 05:33:14 PDT
He comes into my work ( a video store ) and asks me to find porn movies for him. He describes the back of the movies, and then asks me to find, in the adult section, those movies, judging by the positions of a few naked women, i'm expected to find the movies. Everyone at the store is harassed by him, and nobody likes him.. Hes constantly annoying everybody, and everyone knows him, hes about 50, and a perverted asshole.

I went shopping, and I was walking to my grandfathers house and I saw him. I was like FUCK- So I started walking a bit faster, he walked faster behind me, then I started running, and he followed me. For about 200 metres he ran behind me ( I don't know how the fuck he did it, but he wouldn't stop ) then I got to my grandfathers house and went inside, I was so fucking freaked out. I told the guys on my shift at work that day and they called my manager and stuff, so everyones on the lookout for him. ¬_¬ I know his address- So I can.. send him hatemail, or something. I know everybody's address at my video store. Well, the computer knows. Isn't that kind of scary?

Anyway, um, Nick invited me to the muse COOONCERT. TOMORROW NIGHT- YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY. 6 PM AT TEH RIVERSTAGE!!!!!!!!!!!! wee. I'm, um, well, a little excited. So yeah, I just got back from work, I got a mini disc player, um! There was this guy at work, and he annoys everyone in a fun way, and he was taking the piss out of me I won't go into detail, 'cos I felt so stupid! But yeah This guy at my work is so nice. I was talking to him and I'm like "yeah my mini disc player came with six dicks" INSTEAD OF DISCS I SAID DICKS. I WORKED A SIX HOUR SHIFT, HAD A STAFF MEETING AND SLEPT ALL DAY- I AM TIRED.
But, yes. I'm working again tomorrow. ¬_¬

Going to see Daniel... sometime.. this holidays.. And getting him a tag for his dog, Ziggy. (don't ask)

]]> ~BeautifulScar http://BeautifulScar.deviantart.com/journal/3313088/ http://BeautifulScar.deviantart.com/journal/3313088/ Wed, 08 Sep 2004 00:12:24 PDT I've been "living in a dream" for the past OH- two or so years, everything is passing over my head.

I don't care what anyone thinks, but right now I'm just not in a great mood ^_^ I am in a mood to kill, or whatever you want to call it, I have been so mean to so many people today, and frankly I couldn't care less. Nothing that anybody can say can make it better, because I don't even know half of what is wrong with me.
Tomorrow I am buying my plane ticket... if I can, then I am out of here, for a week. Well, yeah I am pretty sure that I have enough money.. All that I don't have is permission from my parents, but I couldn't care less about that! Because I can do what the fuck I want.. They don't care about what I want to do, and my decisions, so I'm going to make them myself and scare the fuck out of them by going interstate for a week.

Everything is sorted out, I'm going to see Daniel, and staying with him and his mum for 4 days, then two in a hotel, one night on my own, and one with Daniel. (Two beds, I'm not that fucking sick) I have the money, everything sorted out.. How I'm going to get places, blah blah blah it's all sorted.
So, if I don't go then I'm going to be fucking pissed off and things will be worse than they are now.
Oh well.

I'm hungry. I've eaten like nothing the past week.. or so, oh well. I haven't had that much of an apetite, actually food looks pretty disgusting at the moment, I am starving.

My parents are pissing the fuck out of me, AS WELL AS MY BROTHER. GODDAMNIT. I need a fucking life. I hate this. I don't want to go to school tomorrow. Yeah I'll make things worse than they already are. I don't fucking care. I don't know. Everything is getting on my nerves. I want to leave school....... again. Now I sound like the little fucked up boy who cried wolf. I want this to stop.

I don't even know whats wrong with me, but I hate it. I know a certain someone is going to read this, so hey, its okay. I shall end this rant, and well, yeah, so bye.

]]> ~BeautifulScar http://BeautifulScar.deviantart.com/journal/3275489/ http://BeautifulScar.deviantart.com/journal/3275489/ Fri, 03 Sep 2004 05:19:34 PDT Well, not ever, but its close to it. I've cried three times in front of people; one time in front of a teacher, it was only her and I, another time in front of a friend at my house, and yesterday - at school.

Why? My friend and I were accused of cheating on our maths exams. FUCKING CHEATING. How pathetic is that? Oh, and you want to know their "evidence"? Not our behaviour during the test, But instead our answers, which are similar. The girl which I was accused of cheating with sits with me EVERY maths class, (shes not a really good friend of mine, but just someone i like) we studied together, we do all of our work together.

So, obviously our answers would be THE FUCKING SAME. We didn't even get the same results, and our results weren't even that great! Anyway, yesterday at lunch this teacher asked to see this girl Kim and myself at lunch, regarding our maths exam. I was like ...okay. I was so fucking worried, because this teacher is on my back about EVERYTHING. She's the year 10 coordinator, and YES I realise it is her job to fucking stick her nose into things that don't concern her, but she could at least be NICE ABOUT IT. So, my friend and I turn up at lunch, to see this teacher, and the head of maths waiting for us.


SO- We both took seats, apart, and were asked to write down "what happened" during the exam. We both wrote the truth- that we studied together and everything. They read through our things, and were like "Its better to confess..." And we're like WHAT THE FUCK IS THERE TO CONFESS! Anyway, I was wearing two badges- we have one school badge, and another is our house badge, there are four of them, and mine is usually yellow, okay. I had a blue one on though, because its been on my uniform... ever since time began, I fucking swear. Wouldn't you say that its better to be wearing badges, then none at all? Anyway, she said to me "Elissa, you don't have to lie about who you are"- This was about the badges. SO WEARING A FUCKING BLUE BADGE MAKES ME LIE ABOUT WHO I AM!?

SHE'S FUCKING TWISTED- I HAD TO HAND THE BADGE OVER TO HER. Oh, and then she was like "You haven't even handed in your subject selection form..." (For year 11&12) but I actually had, and this teacher had misplaced it. I was like "excuse me, but I have..." And she didn't fucking believe me. She is on my back about everything. I've never done anything to offend her, nor have I ever been in trouble for anything such as bad behavior- Just not handing in an assignment, but its a long story, and I was really upset over it last term.. (No, I wouldn't call that bad behaviour- Bad behaviour is playing up in class and talking back to teachers, etc.)

So, she asked Kim and I to get our maths books, and I just went down to my group and started crying my eyes out.. I can't take it- Being accused like that, and being pressured into "telling the truth" when there is nothing to tell, and the teachers don't give a fuck about you. Geez, tons more happened, I guess, but I can't be bothered to go into it. It just really upset me, and I hated crying in front of my friends, I know there should be nothing wrong with it- But I just felt so helpless.. and usually I am the one who "never cries" and stuff, THAT SOUNDS REALLY STUPID... but I guess its true.

Me whining on my dA journal makes me sound like a little bitch, I know- but I'm so upset about this, and I know that it won't pass anytime soon. I should complain, I know, but I don't want to take this any farther. I don't want to be argueing with the fucking teachers, trying to get my point of view in. I'm not that horrible, and nasty as they think I am.

I hate this. I don't know what to do.. things like this make me want to leave school again. My parents aren't letting me go to Sydney to see Daniel, so I'm going by myself Isn't that lovely, my parents don't even care ! Eve... ]]> ~BeautifulScar http://BeautifulScar.deviantart.com/journal/3235163/ http://BeautifulScar.deviantart.com/journal/3235163/ Sat, 28 Aug 2004 21:36:49 PDT Does anybody ever have those times when you don't know whether you feel upset, tired, estatic, loved, crazy, or just.... Blank..
Oh well, the past month or so has been like that, I really don't know what to do with myself. So, nice.
I've been working a fair bit, so I'm tired from that- And pissed off by annoying customers.. I don't mean ones who just irritate you, but ones who verbally abuse you. They fucking get on my nerves so much!
School- Gah. I have an exam tomorrow, which I know absoutly nothing for! I'm not saying that, I actually know nothing.

I had a maths exam last week, and thank god that what we're doing right now is pretty basic maths, because I thought I knew nothing. I didn't even have a maths book. Fuck. I am so screwed for tomorrow! If I fail it (Which I know I will) then my teacher will be on my back..again. I got straight A's for my drama presentation, and A's for my Science assignment, which is good, I guess. Oh my fuck! I got the results back from this test, and apparently my spelling is something like, 33%. Out of one-fucking-hundred. I'm not saying that I'm an awesome speller, but I'm not that bad. Oh well, I couldn't care less. Actually I care, but I really can't be fucked to do anything about it.

I'm just screwed for everything. And mostly nobody cares.. My two best friends are fighting, and yeah I realise that one of them at least will read this.. Its not as if its your fault.. (You know who you are), because at the moment, my other "best friend" is being fucking nasty, and she couldn't care less about me, well thats how I feel. So, its fine, screw her. I can't believe I'm saying that, but yep.

I CANNOT WAIT UNTIL HOLIDAYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'M GOING TO SEE DANIEL I'm going to have the best time of my life. And take so many photos of Sydney and stuff! I'm still working out arrangments.. My parents said that I could go, and if my mum takes it back (AGAIN- I'VE WAITED ABOUT 14 WEEKS TO DO THIS. ACTUALLY LONGER THAN THAT, BUT I HAVEN'T SAID ANYTHING TO MY MUM) Yeah, she took it back last time. If she says no again, then.. Fuck her, because I'll be going anyway.

My group is fighting (not the best friend fight thing, something else) and its starting to piss me off.. I'm being called really nasty, and cruel, FOR TELLING THE TRUTH ABOUT SOMETHING. I'm so sick of people who lie. ¬_¬ I don't know what makes them do things like that, it doesn't make them any better, nor does it raise them above anybody, instead it lowers them, to the point that nobody trusts them, so yeah. My family is pissing me off, grrrrrrrasdyufp8o; yiad9ps8ry7a4w78pdfuokpsd;ilafyu9 we8o;rypf98oduf8oa7u49pwe8vt7fyv89;fyu7a sd;of. God that feels good.

Okay I really need to stop stressing about everything, Buffy is awaiting me...... /endrant

]]> ~BeautifulScar http://BeautifulScar.deviantart.com/journal/3162180/ http://BeautifulScar.deviantart.com/journal/3162180/ Thu, 19 Aug 2004 05:49:29 PDT I've started work, its great. I worked 17 hours last week, But only because I offered, and people rang in sick a few times..

I worked tonight, for 4 and a half hours, because some chick rang in sick, but I'm only meant to be doing six hours. Anyway, tonight, a guy came into the store. He was early 20's, and retarded. God I feel mean when I say that, but he had something wrong with him. I don't mean that as in he had an attitude problem, but as in, well, yeah. Anyway, I was like "hi how are you?" and he started talking to me, but he was mucking his words up, so I couldn't fully understand.. but he was walking to the video store, and somebody in a car threw a bottle of drink at him, and it spilt all over him.. He wasn't bitter about it, but I felt so sorry, and told the guy how bad I felt that something like that would happen, and how sorry it was. I've noticed that people like himself don't get all that annoyed, and this guy wasn't. He couldn't speak correctly, and it really upset me.
I don't know this guy, but just speaking for about a minute or two with him made me feel awful. I went over to the corner.. I had tears in my eyes, I started to cry I'm a really mean person, yes, I admit I can laugh at people, but lately I've been feeling really bad about things like that, and just thinking about what happened makes me cry again.

I must sound so stupid, but if you were there I doubt that you wouldn't have felt awful. Now- I have to do assignment work before tomorrow, and learn all this crap. Sorry guys, I haven't really looked through my messages, and have tons of deviations/journals/comments/notes to go through. So, yeah.

]]> ~BeautifulScar http://BeautifulScar.deviantart.com/journal/3097412/ http://BeautifulScar.deviantart.com/journal/3097412/ Wed, 11 Aug 2004 06:33:44 PDT Vorty and some of his friends.. It was great fun I got a tattoo, I'll post a picture later... (its not real) And I bought some awesome jeans They are awesome. I'll post a pic later of me in my jeans and I'll show you my tattoo.. It cost me $10 and its on my lower back, and 'tis just black.

Nick and I went on the er, whats it called.. um, the chair lift? And I was tipping this red slurpee thing onto the people below, it was hilarious! And Nick was randomly saying hi to people, and these Asian people were laughing, they were like "Haw haw haw haw haw, watch out for your shoes!" And I go right back to them "haw haw haw haw... haw..h..aw." Kay it was funny. I got smashed on the dodgems, I was practically winded And I bought some earrings, two pairs- and was broke So I scabbed some money off my parents..

Went home.. watched a dvd in the car, then later went to the video store and the owner was there, and I kind of got voluntered to do some work, so that was kind of my first work-thing that I did there, I'm officially working tomorrow, but I did a bit of everything tonight.. Put away TONS AND TONS AND TONS AND TONS of dvds/videos/games, and because I'm completley un-coordinated, so I was dropping videos everywhere.. And because I wasn't in uniform, I was paranoid that the owner would see my tattoo, and I was wearing tight jeans and this shirt that.. well, isn't exactly a working shirt. And it was pink. Why the fuck did I wear a pink shirt? I dunno, nothing was clean. Anywho. I get paid (I think) And because its a public holiday I GET PAID DOUBLE Even though I did like two hours, I think its $30.. Considering I didn't do much but drop videos, scratch the owner and his son (Yes.. They were passing me dvds and I accidentally scratched them both), talk about how smiling at customers would help prevent them from robbing a store, having a debate with some guy about how Shrek 2 wasn't yet out.. It was okay.
My phone started ringing I was like o_O I forgot I had it on, but it was kay the owner and his son are pretty nice.

So, I have a shirt- Video Ezy shirt.. Its really big But I'm excited. I have the doctors to go to tomorrow (I'm really sick, I have trouble breathing), then I'm getting a new bank account, then work.
So, yeah.

]]> ~BeautifulScar http://BeautifulScar.deviantart.com/journal/3046725/ http://BeautifulScar.deviantart.com/journal/3046725/ Thu, 05 Aug 2004 04:28:14 PDT
Thankyou so much to everybody for the happy birthdays, the hugs, the kisses ( ),the messages, the cards, the presents, the letters, the phone calls, cakes, everything. I've had a really great two days, I had cake with my friends at school yesterday, and I found out that I got a job At the video store- So I bought myself some new shoes, okay I lied I didn't buy them, but its all the same. I have to be there at 7:30 on Saturday morning to "meet the other staff" so I'm a little excited..

Then Saturday afternoon I have about 12 people coming over for a party, dress up.. theme.. thing. Its a sleepover, I can't wait Today and yesterday have been great days for me. Besides a few things; (Confused about whether to quit piano and singing or not, go back to acting, grr) everything has been great. I have a new phone and its awesome, I got some dvds, and I have the choice to either go to Sydney to see the Lion King or to Melbourne to see Phantom of the Opear. I'm obsessed with Phantom, but I would prefer to go to Sydney (*cough* Daniel *cough)
So, life is going great for me. School is boring, and I have tons of work to do for that, but things are going really nicely. I can't wait until my party.. I might post pics if I'm bothered.

]]> ~BeautifulScar http://BeautifulScar.deviantart.com/journal/3023251/ http://BeautifulScar.deviantart.com/journal/3023251/ Mon, 02 Aug 2004 00:42:48 PDT
I don't know why I'm writing this to you- but I feel as though I have to. How longs it been since we've stopped talking? Months? I don't remember talking to you since Febuary. This is a long needed email.. I'm sick of everything you did to me- All of the ignoring of me and how I felt, ignoring who I REALLY AM. I didn't lie to you. About anything. I was truthful the whole fucking time, yet you still have to make up these lies to try and "right" things in your little mind?

I know you're going to hate me once and for all after this, but I don't know how much worse this can get. You may think not much of what happened between us, but months down the track I still think about it. I guess its just one of those permanent things that don't go out of my life. I can't stand this any longer. Do you really think that stopping communication with me was the best thing to do? Maybe so, I know I worry a lot less, but the way you "went out" with the "You lied to me" About such things as my age, god.
How many times did I apolagise to you? Thinking that because you were angry, it was because of ME? You'd make up some lame excuse about something I did, to what.. Make you feel better? I really did trust you. Think of yourself as a scapegoat, whatever- I never treated you like that. You said you'd listen to me, so I'm pretty sure that somebody wouldn't go back on their promise, but still I'm not so sure that you'd even give a fuck about me, and how I feel. I'm sitting here practically crying thinking of everything that has happened with you. I probably shouldn't have trusted you in the first place.. I have nobody to talk to in my life now. I'm not a fucking attention seeker!!

I know how I feel, and I can't do anything about it. I get so stressed REALLY easily, I worry about everything and it overwhelms me. I can't deal with anything anymore. I know you're not entirely to blame, but things just suck so much now. I know I'm bitching to you, but I don't know what to do. Reading this, you're going to think I'm a pathetic little attention seeker, but I don't know if I care so much anymore. I apolagised to you almost every day for things I didn't even know I'd done. I'd apolagise because you were in a bad mood, I'd apolagise if something was wrong, which didn't concern me- but somehow, everything ended up being my fault.

Don't you dare say for once that you never tried to hurt me, because so much of the stuff that I feel now has to do with you. You'd probably think that everything that you did couldn't affect me so, oh but it has. This "little thing" between you and I has blown up, and I think about it heaps. Never have I really admitted to anybody what happened, but I don't know how something like this could have gone unnoticed.
You're.. HOW old? 19, huh? Or 20? Well thats something thats true, AT LEAST. Why couldn't you just have used your common sense, and seen how much you've hurt me. I am fucking fourteen.. well its my birthday this week, so much for visiting me then. Thirteen even, last year- when some of this stuff went on.

Yes, think of me as a psychotic little bitch, 'sif I care. You probably won't even reply to this.

Just wanted to let you know how much you hurt me, and that just by stopping talking to me it won't go away.
Oh I DID love you too.


I don't even know if I'm going to send her that. I feel a little better getting it down, though.. Its just a part of my life, something I've tried to deal with. *sigh* Talking to my friend online is good, but I have nobody in real life that would actually care to sit me down and ask whats wrong. I have friends who care, but I hate bothering them, oh and SOME of them have opinions that really hurt.

]]> ~BeautifulScar http://BeautifulScar.deviantart.com/journal/3013444/ http://BeautifulScar.deviantart.com/journal/3013444/ Sat, 31 Jul 2004 19:13:30 PDT I have been confused about stuff with Daniel, but he called me last night.. He was a little drunk (But hes not the sort of person who gets extremley intoxicated, and can barely speak) but he said to me that everybody was playing spin the bottle and asking him to do stuff, but he said that he loves me and that he'd never do anything to hurt me.

I dunno, it was really sweet. I was like crying, lol. Hes never said that to me before, well on the phone at least. It probably sounds really stupid if you're reading this, but I thought it was nice.. Even if he was drunk.
Kay right now I'm talking to my friend organising Daniel and my wedding.

Shhhhhhhhhhhhhh I'm allowed to dream Okay we would get married on the beach..It would be late afternoon, going on sunset.. But not too dark.. and we would have no shoes on. Kay I am officially a freak. But let me go on, please. We are going to frolick in the sand dunes and make chillllllllllldren weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Sorry.
Thats about all.. lol.
Its my birthday in 3 days, I've been cleaning up and stuff. Oh, we are moving in about 6 weeks! We were going to subdivide our land, but its taken about 2-3 years to go through, so we got a really good price on our house and sold it like, a few days ago. Our house is a messsss.

I've been rearranging furniture and stuff, its kind of a hard job, but fun in a way.. Heaps of lifting. I can't wait until we move. Its so hard to find a house. Theres a 12 month wait on a builder, so we're going to find an existing fairly new house and do it up.. We need a 5 bedroom house, 'cos there are 6 of us. So, I can't wait! Heaps of stuff is happening, and everybody is busy, but life is pretty good.

]]> ~BeautifulScar http://BeautifulScar.deviantart.com/journal/3000540/ http://BeautifulScar.deviantart.com/journal/3000540/ Fri, 30 Jul 2004 00:30:39 PDT

Damn this whole long distance relationship thing.. Damn it.
I miss him so much.. I want this to work SO much..

]]> ~BeautifulScar http://BeautifulScar.deviantart.com/journal/2931069/ http://BeautifulScar.deviantart.com/journal/2931069/ Sun, 25 Jul 2004 03:10:23 PDT

[link]

How pathetic is that. I'm sorry, I get pissed off, but never do I get directly pissed because of peoples opinions or art. I posted a comment, and never do I get so angry like that. I hate receiving comments like that myself, but this girl was just asking for it.

The shot, itself, is .. to put it simply, crap. Nothing special there. What annoyed me was her opinion. I was on the verge of tears when I saw the description, and how harsh and shallow some people can be. I hate people like that. I really really really really really do. I'm not really overweight myself, but I know people who are, and its awful.. She followed somebody whom she has no knowledge of, took their picture, ridiculed them, and posted it on her art site. She doesn't know this woman.
For all she knows, she may be the most loving mother, most loving wife, (she has a pram in the picture) nobody knows.
God I'm sorry I'm rambling, but it really upset me. I posted a long comment, if you can find it

It really upset me that people can be so sad like that.. What also upset me, from the same girls gallery, was [link] I actually started crying when I looked at it. I don't know, maybe it isn't all that bad, but the fact that she can take a picture of somebody like that, post it on her site and call it art? I'm not criticising the man, but the photographer. Shes not making such a joke out of it as she was the obese lady, but its not as though she is concerned for that mans wellbeing. For all she knows, that man may have lived the saddest life ever..

I had my job interview for the thingy today. It went alright, don't know if I will get the job, but well, yes. School.. tomorrow. *shudder* I'm so tired!



-

]]> ~BeautifulScar http://BeautifulScar.deviantart.com/journal/2877220/ http://BeautifulScar.deviantart.com/journal/2877220/ Thu, 15 Jul 2004 05:01:40 PDT

I feel stupid, lol. Its my birthday on the 4th of August, which is in 2 weeks and 6 days. I think, anyway. Well, I think. My b'day is on the 4th of August! I'm organising a party, which is going to be pretty good, I reckon. I'm inviting so many people.. I feel like such a geek talking about this! Anyway..

School has been okay. Its been great getting back to see my friends, and I'm finding the work amazingly easy. I know its only the third day back, but hey. Science is SO fucking easy! We have a new teacher, and she told us about what we are doing this term, and I'm like Fuck. I hate to sound full of myself, but I know if that if I actually put work into my assignments and paid attention, I could have probably duxed it. I've only relied on general knowledge, we have the most fucked up + easy assignments. And the stuff that we do is .. So easy. I don't know, I got the results back from some of my assignments.
I did well, I guess.

Oh, for English we studied Romeo and Juliet, and had to write a monologue acting as one of the characters. I was Benvolio, and was explaining to the Friar why I lied and stuff about um, stuff. I got a B and B- overall which is just okay. My pedophile english teacher had crossed out all the names of the people I mentioned, and had written others. Because I thought that Mercutio was Tybalt, and I got it alllllllllllll mixed up. I feel stupid, but it was funny!!

Um okay, a funny story. A few months ago, I didn't have a science exam, and with the rest of my class we had like a spare two periods. So we had to sit in a room, doing just about nothing. Oh thats right it was around the time of easter, so everybody was secretly eating chocolate. The lady who was supervising us had her head down in her work, and was on the phone and stuff, pretty much ignoring us.
We were throwing easter eggs from one side of the room to another, cuz she seperated us as we were talking. LMFAO, she didn't even see!! When she left the room, we had a full on easter egg fight. They were going out the windows and stuff, It was hilarious! When the teacher came back, we quickly got back into our seats and pretended that my friend had tripped and dropped her chocolate everywhere. *sigh* it was hilarious.

LAST TERM- When we didn't have an exam also, we were sent to do the same thing. But instead of sitting there the whole time, the teacher decided that it would be better if we go and help the book lady clean and stuff.

I HATE THE BOOK LADY. I MEAN IT, I DESPISE HER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She follows me around the school, I swear! To molest me or something, Idon't know, I hate her. Anyway, so we were sent to clean the books and stack them. I swear she was trying to kill us with what she made us clean the books with. It was some chemical crap, and my friend almost passed out... We also had to stack some books, I was THIS far from "accidentally" pushing over some books, THE BOOK STACK THINGYS WERE LIKE 2 METRES HIGH, NO JOKE. We accidentally spilt some of the chemical crap on the books, and she stressed out, and kept repeating the words "RUIN... BOOKS.... DESTROYED... FOREVER" Well, not exactly but my friend and I were trying not to laugh. Thennnnnnnnn, we stepped on a book and somehow broke it, and she was pretty much yelling at us. She was trying to not be angry, but I could tell, she was really stressed.
Why am I babbling on about all of these memories!? I dunno I was just thinking about t... ]]> ~BeautifulScar