http://search.deviantart.com/?q=by:Blutkuss&section=today deviantART RSS for by:Blutkuss en-us Copyright 2009, deviantART.com Tue, 24 Nov 2009 12:25:26 PST deviantART.com http://blogs.law.harvard.edu/tech/rss http://s.deviantart.com/minish/widgets/apple-touch-icon-precomposed.png http://Blutkuss.deviantart.com/journal/28289214/ http://Blutkuss.deviantart.com/journal/28289214/ Wed, 11 Nov 2009 10:01:37 PST maybe.

Maybe I´m falling in love.. maybe it would be a good thing.
but there are so many maybes..
I´m afraid of giving my feelings to someone.. there´s not so much left sometimes.

mh.. i´ll wait for friday.. then i´ll decide if it´s worth the risk of losing once more...

if he still wants me then I mean..


I'm the kind to sit up in his room.
Heart sick an' eyes filled up with blue.
I don't know what you've done to me,
But I know this much is true:
I wanna do bad things with you.
Oh I wanna do real bad things with you.

]]> ~Blutkuss http://Blutkuss.deviantart.com/journal/28025357/ http://Blutkuss.deviantart.com/journal/28025357/ Thu, 29 Oct 2009 08:15:52 PDT
i woke up this morning
not knowing for what
opened my eyes
and nothing was lying beside me

i´m feeling absolutely lifeless
though my heart heart is still beating
like this house I´m feeling cold and empty
because the half is missing

how can I be so cold
is that all nothing to me anymore
I´m casting a shadow
i cannot overleap..

]]> ~Blutkuss http://Blutkuss.deviantart.com/journal/27886107/ http://Blutkuss.deviantart.com/journal/27886107/ Wed, 21 Oct 2009 09:53:12 PDT my heart is freezing in between..



still feeling lonely..still craving for so much..too much.
but I´ll get it someday..somehow.
i just need a little bit more patience for healing my body.. and then I´m going to jump back into my life, making everybody insane, just like i did before!

]]> ~Blutkuss http://Blutkuss.deviantart.com/journal/27591392/ http://Blutkuss.deviantart.com/journal/27591392/ Mon, 05 Oct 2009 05:28:29 PDT anyway. I found out that the authors husband created a soundtrack-cd.. I listened to the demos and I´m so possessed of "jericho Rain".. the sad thing is: you can´t get it in germany so it seems.. that´s so.. unfair

I´m feeling empty.. like somebody ripped a part out of me.. leaving a black hole.. and now it begins to swallow the rest of me..
What am I feeling? what is left? Sadness? don´t know if it´s the right word.. don´t know if I find any right words anymore..
I´m on a path, I don´t know.. where will i find myself in the end..
Craving.. the only word i have to describe my feelings..
*sigh*.. just feeling for the lines below..

part of Neil Dover´s "Jericho Rain":

tell me that you can save me and that i'll be okay
tell me that i'll survive this to fight another day
i can't resist you,
take what you want from me
with my defenses naked,
i'll give you everything
but i wont always be here,
down on my hands and knees
with my whole body screaming
please give me what i need
tonight i'm broken but tomorrow is another day
so just come fall down on me,i need that Jericho Rain

]]> ~Blutkuss http://Blutkuss.deviantart.com/journal/26314402/ http://Blutkuss.deviantart.com/journal/26314402/ Sat, 01 Aug 2009 09:01:19 PDT I thought that I was good to you,
And made you smile a lot
But this is what I've got
I look around,
And my friend you are gone,
I guess you've been for long

I wish I could say
That if you change you're mind I'm here
That if you call for me, I'm there
If you're hurting, I'll run fast
Forget about the past
I'll be right by your side
Be right by your side
[lene marlin]

Sometimes I think my heart is just there for others to stomp on it and leave the pieces behind..
I know I shouldn´t be sad, because I knew it would come this way.. but it still tastes bitter on my tongue.. before I would´ve just shrugged and made it leave my mind..

but this time it´s a gentle hurting that doesn´t go away... 4 months of wondering, hoping, fearing... now I can be sure.. because now i know for sure that he has no more feelings for me.. but for another one.

Maybe it´s the gently freezing all over my skin.. the icy feeling inside of me.. I think I´m gonna be myself again.. foolish thing to do..to want to change for the love of someone..
foolish..yeah..sounds like me.

I´ll go on just like before.. I put a smile on my face,play my role... maybe there´ll be sunshine for me one day.. who knows.

"Dumb , dumb girl
Can´t you see you´re such a joke
When was the last time your cellphone rang
Babygirl let´s not pretend"
[Lambretta]

]]> ~Blutkuss http://Blutkuss.deviantart.com/journal/26202812/ http://Blutkuss.deviantart.com/journal/26202812/ Mon, 27 Jul 2009 01:38:49 PDT Yesterday I found a cover-version of the sister-of-mercy´s "This Corrosion"
by maryslim feat Jyrki 69

..and goth.. I love it! i adore Jyrki 69 (since I was 13 *laughing*)
and at the moment this song mekes my blood run hot.. boiling in my veins <3

[link]

Hey now, hey now now, sing This Corrosion to me!

On daze, like this
In times like these
I feel an animal deep inside
Well, what do you say
Living on if and if I tried,
Somebody got a song for me
sing
sing

Hey now, hey now now, sing This Corrosion to me!


mh..in front of me my cat is lying on the desk, rolling from side to side in the sun.. he´s so cute (when he sleeps... when he´s awake he´s THE devil)
oh I wish I could go swim or do something... or that someone would miss me.. but since I´m ill everyone has gone but a few real friends..but they´re iving too far away to come stop by..
I´m unhappy about being ill this long..and no end on sight.. that sucks.. that so sucks. Making me sad and a ittle bit angry.. I´m missing so much.. but nobody cares
I think I´m going to fade away some day when nothing happens.. I just go *pooooof* like a cloud of mist and then I´m gone -.- ... but I guess nobody would really realize it... maybe after some years..just like "oh..mh.. wasn´t there a Vanessa? No? Must have been a dream then."

grrrr.. *could bite her cat in the leg* ..but that wouldn´t change anything I guess.

Damn humans. Damn being ill. Damn everything. Arghs. I´m getting depressed.

]]> ~Blutkuss http://Blutkuss.deviantart.com/journal/25173286/ http://Blutkuss.deviantart.com/journal/25173286/ Sun, 07 Jun 2009 04:58:11 PDT this man is just like a trapdoor spider.. again and again I´m saying myself I should let go, if not I get my fingertips burned and my heart with it.. he´s just not the right one..
and again and again, everytime when i think i´m neutral, no feelings for him anymore.. I get infected once more.. am i crazy? stupid? insane? probably..
makes me thinking again about the quote "and maybe I just like the pain"
yeah..I´m sure a pain-lover.. poor me..



Someday I'll learn to love these scars
Still fresh from the red-hot blade of your words

How blind can you be? Don't you see?
How blind can you be? Don't you see?
How blind can you be? Don't you see?
That the gambler lost all he does not have

Did you ever hear what I told you?
Did you ever read what I wrote you?
Did you ever listen to what we played?
Did you ever let in what the world said?
Did we get this far just to feel your hate?
Did we play to become only pawns in the game?
How blind can you be? Don't you see?
You chose the long road, but we'll be waiting
Bye bye beautiful! Bye bye beautiful! Bye bye beautiful! Bye! Bye! Bye! Bye!

]]> ~Blutkuss http://Blutkuss.deviantart.com/journal/25156369/ http://Blutkuss.deviantart.com/journal/25156369/ Sat, 06 Jun 2009 06:28:37 PDT maybe I´m finally growing up..

[Chad kroeger feat Josey Scott-Hero]
I am so high, I can hear heaven
I am so high, I can hear heaven
Whoa, but heaven...no, heaven don't hear me

And they say
That a hero could save us
I'm not gonna stand here and wait
I'll hold onto the wings of the eagles
Watch as we all fly away

Someone told me
Love would all save us
But, how can that be
Look what love gave us

A world full of killing
And blood spilling
That world never came

And they say
That a hero could save us
I'm not gonna stand here and wait
I'll hold onto the wings of the eagles
Watch as we all fly away

Now that the world isn't ending
It's love that I'm sending to you
It isn't the love of a hero
And that's why I fear it won't do

And they say
That a hero could save us
I'm not gonna stand here and wait
I'll hold onto the wings of the eagles
Watch as we all fly away

And they're watching us
They're watching us
As we all fly away

]]> ~Blutkuss http://Blutkuss.deviantart.com/journal/24068588/ http://Blutkuss.deviantart.com/journal/24068588/ Sun, 05 Apr 2009 03:02:40 PDT
I want to be dead inside again and I´m not able to.. that´s not right.. that´s not fair.. i never wanted to fall in love.. it was love that fell on me..

I´m not made to be loved.. I´m just.. what am I?

i don´t know anymore.. maybe I should go..
i´m not able to feel right..

so what am I living for.. pain? loneliness? coldness? yeah..that are reasons to stay.. *laughs*

it hurts..damned.. it hurts like hell.. even if I´m smiling, like everything´s okay and it doesn´t matter...


Inside my heart keeps screaming never
Nevermore
Burning my body with a fever
To the core

]]> ~Blutkuss http://Blutkuss.deviantart.com/journal/23362362/ http://Blutkuss.deviantart.com/journal/23362362/ Mon, 23 Feb 2009 12:35:54 PST I´m making mistakes.. hurting the one I love..
but i cannot make this fear go away.. it stays until i´m almost scared to death.. then it fades and leaves nothin but cold flames inside of me..
i didn´t want it to happen.. i wish i would be just like every other girl..
when will i just do the right thing.. when will i be able to ignore the fear.. everytime it overrides me.. and everytime something bad happens..

i´m such a waste of flesh and skin and dumb faces..

my heart is hurting.. i don´t want to lose him.. but it feels like he´s already decided to go.. i´d understand.. that´s the thing.

but..he´s the one making me feel warm and alive.. i´m craving for him in every way one such as i can..
every other touch runs as cold as ice.. every other voice just sounds in a way that makes me want to hear no more..

but I´m too cold for him, aren´t I ..

]]> ~Blutkuss http://Blutkuss.deviantart.com/journal/22937831/ http://Blutkuss.deviantart.com/journal/22937831/ Sun, 01 Feb 2009 07:55:05 PST i lie awake and wish you by my side
and then I'm talking to you
i wish you there just to hold you tight

and I would creep and I would die
and I would beg for you like sinners for their life
and I am sad and then I cry and then I cry
time without you is cutting like a knife, cutting like a knife
[Jan Hegenberg-Time without you]


Hey there

yeah..there I am again.. with a heart which begins to be alive again.. slowly melting the ice around.. or so I hope

I´ve just found out how hard it can be to not know how to feel.. so I just broke the walls down inside of me..as far as I could.. and now I´ll find out if I´m able to be ..emotional? loving? I don´t know exactly.. but I know what i want. And that´s what matters.

..but I don´t know how to handle the situation.. am i too bad? too fast? too slow? bitter? sweet?

I´m so afraid of myself..not being enough... I´m happy, but I want to cut myself just to see red blood.. just like everyone else has got.. yeah it looks like everyone else´s blood.. but do i know what´s inside..

god.. bad thougts.. *shooing away*

I just want him to know he´s ..yeah..mine..
but I´m afraid he´ll not believe.. or maybe he doesn´t want it..

I´m confused... just like every day before in the last weeks..

but I´m happy.. so what?

]]> ~Blutkuss http://Blutkuss.deviantart.com/journal/22723502/ http://Blutkuss.deviantart.com/journal/22723502/ Wed, 21 Jan 2009 21:44:35 PST two men.. two different feelings, but very similar to each other..
until now I did not let the feelings free.. because I don´t want to hurt one of them.. or hurt myself.
but I´m hurting all the time.. so it´s all the same..
though I told him about my feelings.. he does not say a word.. I think he likes me.. he likes me liking him..wanting him... but he will not decide.. he will let me hang in misery just like before..
The "other one" is waiting for MY decision.. I think I´ll let today´s school pass.. and think some more.. but I will not go to bed today without a change in my path.. I cannot go the hidden path among trees, through a jungle any more..
I´m not able to hold back anymore..

though I do know what will happen.. it´s throbbing inside of me..
´
I´m fallen to the ground.. but I just rest.. I´ll stand again..

sigh.. I´m just a bad liar..
i do not know how to stand again.. my body feels so cold.. I just want to lie down and fade away..
I do not want to give up, though..

I just don´t want to be dead inside anymore
I just want want someone who could love me and what´s inside of me..
I just want to love someone back, who I really feel for.. whom I want to save.. want to hold..

I just want it to be real

]]> ~Blutkuss http://Blutkuss.deviantart.com/journal/22375181/ http://Blutkuss.deviantart.com/journal/22375181/ Sat, 03 Jan 2009 13:58:33 PST Only looking at him confused the shit out of me.
My heart was beating in my throat and all the time he made me blush.. like I´m the blushing-type.. hardy-harr-harr.
I felt totally safe.. it has been a long time since I felt so.. I was even smiling for real.

I´m definitively falling deeply in love.. and it scares me to hell.. how could this happen to me?

i should not let this happen.. I´m worthless.. and bad for all people around me.. near me..

but it hurts.. I´m longing for him.. I never felt something so strong.. and for someone I only met once..
I´m not the girl, who blushes when a guy make jokes about sex or something like that.. I can fuck in front of others, does not bother me..
I can kiss and fuck without feeling, can say what they want to hear.. smile, when I´m hurting and keep still, even if it breaks me inside..
What happens to me?

Now all I do is crying because i feel helpless with all this feelings..
I shouldn´t come near him..
I shouldn´t want him.
And I shouldn´t want him to want me..

not able to write more

]]> ~Blutkuss http://Blutkuss.deviantart.com/journal/22272048/ http://Blutkuss.deviantart.com/journal/22272048/ Tue, 30 Dec 2008 01:46:40 PST
i think my heart stopped for a moment when he wrote this..
i think I´m falling in love.. and i´m not able to stop it..but hey..i cannot keep myself from feeling for all time.. i knew that before.

he´s so..so.. lovely. Charming.and sooooo evil.. that bad thoughts of him will be my end..i know it <3 he confuses me-in a good way. i do not know where my head is.. probably somewhere over the rainbow >.<

but..even now I´m going to let it happen, whatever "it" is.. I´m scared.. I´m so scared i want to push him away and run away like the fool i am..
i don´t want to lose this time.. i want him to love me.. ridicolous, isn´t it? *sigh*
i don´t want to lose my heart once more..

"Love starts with a smile
it grows with a kiss
it always ends up in tears
and someone to miss
I´ve been there before
oh I´ve been there before.."
[4lyn]

..but what should i do? i don´t want to run away.. i want to kiss him and want him to kiss me back...
so..yeah.. somebody shoot me please?

]]> ~Blutkuss http://Blutkuss.deviantart.com/journal/22115911/ http://Blutkuss.deviantart.com/journal/22115911/ Mon, 22 Dec 2008 06:22:40 PST
yeah.. my night was very bad.. but I´m in a good mood though *keeps singing all the day til her voice dies away*

at the end of the month i´ll get a cat.. i´m so happy!
not alone here anymore!
her old keeper named her "mini" but i think i´m going to call her sookie .. but i don´t know how she looks like yet..so i´ll wait with the name

I´m not thinking i´m going to die from heartache anymore..
stupid son of a bitch- i don´t care anymore!
he wasn´t the right one, i know for sure now.
he´s sleeping around, catching every girl he can... urgh!
he said i´m cheap, but when i am cheap then he´s for free!

it hurts sometimes, but i´m gonna forget.. this is my life..the only on i have and i´m not going to spend it with weeping and some more weeping...

i think i´m a little bit in love with someone i don´t know for real.. sounds strange? yeah it is.. but i´m not going to ignore anymore. Maybe he´s the one? And when he´s not..yeah..then like him anyway.. and if he don´t want me? then I´ll smile about it and say that´s okay.

I will do what i like and how i like.. so beware *laughing*

But one thing i have to say once more: i hate christmas! *shaking* ..bad vibes everywhere..and my mother wants to set me up, because "i look so lonely" ...yeah..sure.. i am! But that´s not a reason to send me pics of guys..
i´m lonely, but not SO lonely.. naaah.. Think i have to tell her she can put them in her place where the sun´s not shining..

and now..

Shut up and dance!

]]> ~Blutkuss http://Blutkuss.deviantart.com/journal/20325607/ http://Blutkuss.deviantart.com/journal/20325607/ Thu, 04 Sep 2008 14:36:32 PDT "she´s my best friend", he says... yeah.. he knows her for a few weeks and suddenly they are intrinsically tied to each other....
he speaks of her whenever he can.. like she´s the best that ever happened to him.. "she´s so cute..she gave a plush-toy to me! ..she´s moving into a new place, I have to help her, because I´m her best friend!... oh not right now, marci´s calling... oh,no, we can only meet when you want to go with marci and me to this xy (standing for everything i hate).." ...yeah..right.. just friends..

she´s so cute
she´s friendly
she´s funny
she´s interested in everything you´re interested in
she´s soooooooo super

yeah..and I´m doing nothing but lying in a corner..
I´m not able to give you what you need
I´m not able to show you how much you mean to me
I don´t like parties, or going into a bar

I´m just not what you want, right?
But you love me like nothing else.. yeah.. you love so much that I´m feeling like an ugly,fat bitch..
like I´m nothing ...

and now I´m writing this.. knowing that nothing changes.. that nobody will now that i´m not angry.. i´m just.. so sad..

i´m weeping just like an emo..

]]> ~Blutkuss http://Blutkuss.deviantart.com/journal/19802730/ http://Blutkuss.deviantart.com/journal/19802730/ Wed, 06 Aug 2008 05:11:50 PDT the last days (or weeks..) nightmares are hunting me.. goth i´m so tired i´m not able to stand without help for longer than 20 minutes..

last night in my dreams a clown said that he´s better than me because he can smile..
I HATE clowns.. stupid creatures.. go away, die in a corner far away from me!

Es ist schon spät nach Mitternacht
Du hast die Äuglein aufgemacht
was vor dir steht das ist ein Clown
gar nicht friedlich anzuschaun
Sein Schatten tritt näher heran
und kein licht geht hier mehr an

Doch sein Schatten tritt näher heran
und kein Licht geht hier mehr an

Du spürst die Furcht das Herze rast
doch Mutter schläft sie dich vergass
nun seine Hand nach dir gestreckt
Du bist gelähmt kannst hier nicht weg
Doch sein Schatten tritt näher heran
und kein licht geht hier mehr an

Doch sein Schatten tritt näher heran
und kein Licht geht hier mehr an

Kinder Kindlein gebt fein acht
seit artig sonst kommt er heut Nacht
Kinder Kindlein schlaft nicht ein
sonst wird er heute bei euch sein
Kinder Kindlein singt es laut
ein Lied das euch den Schlaf jetzt raubt
Kinder Kindlein - seit noch so klein
Ihr Kindlein

Auch wenn ihr kleinen artig seid
kommt Harlekin zur Nachteszeit
mal getarnt als der schwarze Mann
will er an dein Lebenslicht ran

Doch warst du froh als der Morgen kam
im Spiegelbild lacht er dich an
hinter dir die Zipfelmütze
glänzend ist die Messerspitze

Und aus dem Schatten wird ein Mann
und kein Licht geht hier mehr an
Kinder Kindlein gebt fein acht
seit artig sonst kommt er heut Nacht
Kinder Kindlein schlaft nicht ein
sonst wird er heute bei euch sein
Kinder Kindlein singt es laut
ein Lied das euch den Schlaf jetzt raubt
Kinder Kindlein - seit noch so klein
Ihr Kindlein

]]> ~Blutkuss http://Blutkuss.deviantart.com/journal/19585193/ http://Blutkuss.deviantart.com/journal/19585193/ Fri, 25 Jul 2008 06:06:06 PDT But it´s all too far away..
Goth.. i´m so tired.

Staubkind~Zu weit

Wortlos starrst du gegen Wände,
fühlst keinen Blick der dich noch trifft.
Hast dich selbst schon längst verloren,
es sind nur Schatten die du siehst.
Unsichtbar bricht du zusammen,
fällst ins Leere und fühlst mich nicht.
Keine Wünsche mehr nach Vergebung,
bleibt nur die Angst die noch passiert.

Ist dein Weg so Weit,
ist dein Herz so schwer.
Ist dein Weg so weit,
dass du ihn nicht zuende gehst.
Ist dein Weg so weit,
ist dein Herz so schwer.
Ist dein Weg so weit,
dass du die letzten Tränen zählst.

Wo sind die Tage ohne Tränen,
erinnerst dich nur an deinen Schmerz.
Wo ist die Stunde die deine Sehnsucht
aus dem Gefühl in dir vertreibt.
Müde sehnst du dich nach den Lügen,
die nie genug von dir erzähln.

]]> ~Blutkuss http://Blutkuss.deviantart.com/journal/17920525/ http://Blutkuss.deviantart.com/journal/17920525/ Sat, 19 Apr 2008 00:01:30 PDT

]]> ~Blutkuss http://Blutkuss.deviantart.com/journal/16426805/ http://Blutkuss.deviantart.com/journal/16426805/ Wed, 16 Jan 2008 04:10:23 PST Is I'm sorry for the way I am
I never meant to be so cold
Never meant to be so cold

I never meant to be so cold
I never really wanted you to see
The screwed up side of me that I keep
Locked inside of me so deep
It always seems to get to me
I never really wanted you to go
So many things you should have known
I guess for me theres just no hope

(crossfade-cold)

]]> ~Blutkuss