http://search.deviantart.com/?q=by:Chuge&section=today deviantART RSS for by:Chuge en-us Copyright 2009, deviantART.com Thu, 26 Nov 2009 09:00:45 PST deviantART.com http://blogs.law.harvard.edu/tech/rss http://s.deviantart.com/minish/widgets/apple-touch-icon-precomposed.png http://Chuge.deviantart.com/journal/19948764/ http://Chuge.deviantart.com/journal/19948764/ Thu, 14 Aug 2008 08:37:59 PDT *sighs*

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]]> ~Chuge http://Chuge.deviantart.com/journal/19697545/ http://Chuge.deviantart.com/journal/19697545/ Thu, 31 Jul 2008 10:36:14 PDT Forgive me, for not updating so much lately.. my mind doesn't seem to be clear enough to find the words.
It's just so clouded...
...I haven't written very much recently...although I am trying...if anyone wishes to speak with me, you may send a message...
This is all I am going to write for now..
well, this is our Family...

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...and here are some interesting and deep Bands...listed from Z to A ...



Z:
Zao

Y:

X:

W:
Words Of The Dying
Within Temptation
The Wake

V:
Vanessa Williams

U:
The Used
Unwritten Law
Under Oath

T:
Type O Negative
Twin Method
Tristania
Trigger Point
Tribe Of Eden
Tool
Threshold
Three Days Grace
Thirty Seconds To Mars

S:
Staind
Slipknot
Simple Plan
Sevendust
Senses Fail
Seether
Sadus

R:
Ritual
Rise Against
Red Jumpsuit Apparatus

Q:

P:
Porselain
Porcelain
Peregrine
Paramore

O:
Ozzy Osbourne
The Offspring
Oasis

N:
Nirvana
Nine Inch Nails
New Age Syndrome

M:
My Chemical Romance
Mudvayne
Monica Richards
Misfits
Metallica
Madina Lake

L:
Linkin Park
Leaves Fall

K:

J:

I:
Incubus

H:
Hurt
HIM
Hawthorne Heights
Hands Down

G:
Goldfinger
Gather

F:
The Fray
Flyleaf

E:
Evanescence
Enigma
Edge Of Earth

D:
Dying Tears
Drowning Pool
Disturbed
Death Cab For Cutie

C:
The Cure
Cradle Of Filth
Controlled Bleeding
Children Of Bodom
Chevelle

B:
Bullet For My Valentine
Bleed The Dream
Black Flag

A:
Avenged Sevenfold
Atreyu
Ashes Divide
Anathema
Ana Kanpa
Alter Bridge
All That Remains
All American Rejects
AFI

]]> ~Chuge http://Chuge.deviantart.com/journal/19450147/ http://Chuge.deviantart.com/journal/19450147/ Thu, 17 Jul 2008 16:43:08 PDT Well.. I haven't been able to write for a while.. and I seem to have misplaced the wire for my camera..
After burning piles of old memories and everything... I only took a few pictures...
I didn't burn anything that someone wrote to me...but I did burn many old journals and things I wrote... they only depress me, they weigh so much and take up too much space... it's too hard to keep on hiding all of it..
I've also met the Sea.. she is more powerful and vivid than I imagined..
Forgive me, I don't feel like taking an hour or longer to write more in depth about everything that happened...
So this is all for now..
anyone I have not replied to.. please forgive me, I just.. haven't been able to lately.
I will reply to anything if you truly wish for me to...just send me the link to anything I may have left for a while...

]]> ~Chuge http://Chuge.deviantart.com/journal/18693867/ http://Chuge.deviantart.com/journal/18693867/ Fri, 06 Jun 2008 09:00:37 PDT And every once so often, he manages to get out of the house through the back door… to have some Freedom, I mean who doesn’t want Freedom?… even just for a moment, his profound Desperations…
But what will a Humyn think to see a Pit Bull running freely?… it just isn’t “normal” in their eyes, and creates such fear…
Well… he went on… someone’s “ property ” ( now that Humyns believe in “owning” the flesh of their own Mother… )
Well… those Humyns “owned” two Dogs who were “barking” which really frustrated them… so they yelled at Spunky, telling him to “go home”…
And he just ran throughout their yard, looking at a Dog who was tied to a leash…
Well, one Humyn came out screaming and waving a stick at him… so he “barked” at the Humyn, and “ charged ” towards him… which frightened the Humyns, they say that Spunky is “aggressive”…
So, they called the “ police ” and “ dog ward ”…
..and my mother is so afraid thinking now, “ if he’s getting aggressive, he might bite someone which will get me in trouble since he is a Pit Bull ”…
…now, she wants to “ put him to sleep ” …or should I say, give him to those medicated Humyns who are going to inject him with a deadly poisonous chemical, and murder him for their desperation to have superiority over all other living Beings…
…and he hears what she is saying, the poor Dog looks so depressed and hurt by what she says to him and to others…
and this is “ Humane ”?…
this is “ normal ”?…

even if he did “bite” someone, there must surely be a reason for it…
he is so kind and loving, and to lose him… will deeply hurt many others… although my mother really enjoys her superiority, she will even miss him… the Cats will miss him, since they are always lying down with him and grooming him…*sighs*

nobody cares …nobody listens …nobody even tries to see anything at all …nobody exists…

and everyone… fears Death… why do they fear Death?… do they really even fear that Death, or do they simply fear the fact that they have no idea what has happened to their loved one?… simply the knowledge that they will never see that loved one again… or will they?…

I embrace the beauty of Natural Death… but to be… poisoned by complete, ignorant strangers… I do not understand something so terrible…

]]> ~Chuge http://Chuge.deviantart.com/journal/18676361/ http://Chuge.deviantart.com/journal/18676361/ Thu, 05 Jun 2008 09:25:26 PDT
[link]

and here, is another Immortal Rain quote…by Kaori Ozaki…


“ God said,
‘Live’
‘Love’
‘Fight’
‘Kill’
‘Eat’
Give Birth’
‘Repeat’
We were bound in chains
The world was made by people
And it overflowed
‘Til we could no longer breathe
We didn’t know
That God left us here
Yet we continue to dance
This endless dance
Even when both of our legs
Are covered in blood.”

]]> ~Chuge http://Chuge.deviantart.com/journal/18643811/ http://Chuge.deviantart.com/journal/18643811/ Tue, 03 Jun 2008 11:47:02 PDT ..and I have one more Porselain song…

Doesn’t anyone know anything about this profound Band?…


“ I have no name. I have no form. I have no home. I will take your hand with these ethereal fingers. I will call your name with this soundless voice.”

“Can a heart that isn’t supposed to exist…break down and cry?”

“That kind of storm…that gaze of flames…unless I save you…I won’t be able to hold back the tears.”

“No name. No words. Even the name of this feeling…is no longer…visible to me.”

“I’ve come across a thousand years. With a sadness that never ends. Eternal. Into an abyss darker than night.”

"In that voice…lies the trace…of someone who no longer exists.”

-------

Shallow

Turn the page again
Within the book that has no end
It illustrates so far
The white writer
Takes a song
I feel a little too real
Can we survive, with no one at the wheel
I feel no patience anymore
Where’s the answer to what life is for
Paint the sky red
Just like it read
Become a memory
You will live forever
Take a rest now and you’ll see
Dream of things, that no one would believe
I feel a little sad
On how the world has turned its back
On things that used to be
So sacred, so well believed
Paint the sky red
Just like it read
Become a memory
You will live forever
Well, good luck
With this
And I hope for yourself,
That you get what you want
And everything that you need
Don’t look back, with regret
In hopes that you will forget
Don’t you think, don’t you play
Paint the sky red
Just like it read
Become a memory
You will live forever

]]> ~Chuge http://Chuge.deviantart.com/journal/18540646/ http://Chuge.deviantart.com/journal/18540646/ Wed, 28 May 2008 09:06:52 PDT I am grateful for the Ravens, and all Animal Spirits…and today, I saw…Three LoveBirds…this time, there were..three…
Well…I wrote out the lyrics of two songs by Porselain…since they are such profound lyrics, and I can’t seem to find them online…I ended up finding bands with…similar names…I will write out more of their lyrics when I have time…*sighs*

---

Easy Empathy

I can see it in your eyes
This life that you hold inside
It’s not easier with time, but now you know to walk on
With one candle lit you said
What I meant to you instead
Of the consequences of our painful lasting regrets
I told you, as we turn this book into a flare
Don’t you hold back, don’t you feel as if you’re involved in a game
I wish this wasn’t so hard for us to understand, my friend
But I can’t seem to reach out, and take hold of your hand
There’s a change in life we meet
Challenges thought we believed
It seems so hard, but now you know
We must hold on
Just wait to see it through
The answers for me and you
Just relax, you might forget this little pain makes this right
Like I told you, as we turn this book into a flare
Don’t you hold back, don’t you feel as in you’re involved in a game
I wish that this wasn’t so hard for us to understand, my friend
But I can’t seem to reach out, and take hold of your hand
If you take a look at us now
There’s no need to feel so sad
There’s a memory of who we are and what we were
I guess, all things end with time
How far I’ll make our chimes
The illusions frown
Just laugh to laugh for old time’s sake
Like I told you, as we turn this book into a flare
Don’t you hold back, don’t you feel as in you’re involved in a game
I wish that this wasn’t so hard for us to understand, my friend
But I can’t seem to reach out, and take hold of your hand

---

Cookie

I’ve began to show
Everything in this world
Because greed has taken over
In tell the drugs
Because we’re not sure why we’re here
But there is a theory and they’ll sell a hot back copy
I’ve been unwell
You ring the bell I search to come shouting
You’re lost in it all
You were given the wisdom for prayer
All exhausted, will shows its age
Now you’re dreaming, losing all your taste
Reality showing, a tidal disgrace
You reach into a jar, and grasp onto a fortune
That tells you exactly what you are not
Because we live in a medicated state of mind, exactly what was I saying
I forgot, oh my
You ring the bell, I search to come shouting
You’re lost in it all
You were given the wishing to prayer
All exhausted
Will shows its age
Now you’re dreaming, losing all your taste
Reality shows
Your silence,
Your silence builds the walls in bindment
You won’t set me free
You’re all becoming, a trend of nothing
Your scar
Your touch
Your cry
You’ll die

]]> ~Chuge http://Chuge.deviantart.com/journal/18319492/ http://Chuge.deviantart.com/journal/18319492/ Wed, 14 May 2008 11:45:52 PDT I know I had more to write, but I seem to have strayed from my thoughts completely (as usual)…
And I hate to have such short updates, so I’m going to put a song here…
I know I’ve used this song many times, but it is a very profound and true song, so…

World So Cold-Mudvayne

When passion's lost and all the trust is gone,
way too far, for way too long
children crying, cast out and neglected,
only in a world so cold, only in a world
this cold
hold the hand of your best friend, look into
their eyes,
then watch them drift away
some might say, we've done the wrong things,
for way too long, for way too long.
Fever inside the storm,
so I'm turning away
away from the name
(calling your names)
away from the stones
(throw sticks and stones)
'cause I'm through mending the wounds of us
Keep your thorns
'cause I'm running away,
away from the games
(fucking head games)
away from the space
(hate this space)
The circumstances of a world so cold.
Burning whispers remind me of the days,
I was left alone, in a world this cold
guilty of the same things, provoked by
the cause
I've left alone, in a world so cold
fever inside the storm,
So I'm turning away,
away from the name
(calling your names)
away from the stones
(throw sticks and stones)
'cause I'm through mending the wounds of us.
Keep your thorns
'cause I'm running away,
away from the games
(fucking head games)
away from the space
(hate this space)
The circumstances of a world so cold.
I'm flying, I'm flying away,
away from the name
(calling your names)
away from the games
(fucking head games)
the circumstances of a world so cold
Why does everyone feel like my enemy,
don't want any part of depression or darkness, I've had enough,
sick and tired, bring the sun or I'm gone,
or I'm gone
I'm backing out, I'm no pawn,
no mother-fucking slave to this,
never lied
never left
never lived
never loved
never lost
never hurt
never worry about being me, or anyone else
not a care, no concern, don't give a shit about
anything,
Backing out, giving up, no mother-fucking
slave to this,
never lied
never left
never lived
never loved
never lost
never hurt
never worry about being me, or anyone else
not a care, no concern, don't give a shit about
anything,
I need to find a darkened corner,
a lightless corner,
where it's safer and calmer,
I'm turning away,
away from the name
(calling your names)
away from the stones
(throw sticks and stones)
'cause I'm through mending the wounds of us
I'm running away,
away from the games
(fucking head games)
away from the space
(hate this head space)
the circumstances of a world so cold
I'm flying, I'm flying away,
away from the names
(calling your names)
(fucking head games)
The circumstances of a world so cold.

]]> ~Chuge http://Chuge.deviantart.com/journal/18224686/ http://Chuge.deviantart.com/journal/18224686/ Thu, 08 May 2008 10:04:39 PDT I have given up when it comes to speaking to any Humyns…I was willing to try, but now I find no reason to…no meaning…why grow close to something that will only leave you behind?…
I won’t take such chances any more…how long will it take for me to learn?…I don’t belong here…I find nothing to grasp onto, for everything only seems to drift away…everything I grow close to…everything I learn to love and care for…they all fade away…they all eventually…disappear…and never return…no matter how close or distant…it makes no difference….I never let go of them…but they so easily let go of me….as if I mean nothing…I am nothing…it is true though…I really do not exist at all…I’m not here…I’m not alive….I don’t know anything anymore….that’s all I wish to write for now… please forgive me…I am so empty, yet so confused, lost, and uncertain…

]]> ~Chuge http://Chuge.deviantart.com/journal/18177924/ http://Chuge.deviantart.com/journal/18177924/ Mon, 05 May 2008 09:21:57 PDT And as usual, the Ravens were there…I found two Raven feathers…and he wanted to see one, but he dropped a feather…so after I picked up the feather that he dropped, a beautiful Raven cried out and flew over into a nearby Tree…watching…
And after that, as we walked closer to the Forest…
…in the distance…we could hear this agonizing cry, of an Animal…not a Raven…but the voice was so desperate and in pain…if only I could go into the Forest to find out who was crying in such pain…
…well…I still haven’t submitted the last poem I wrote…and I wonder what I even wrote about…I haven’t added much onto the story either…
today, is not the greatest day…it’s just so slow and….yet, so unclear…well, every day is…unclear…un-existing…I am such a lost soul…where do I belong?…
I almost passed out again today, in art class….I was just suddenly overheated and everything…I hope it isn’t due to the multi-vitamin I just started to take…it’s supposed to give at least a small amount of energy, for all of the nutrients I just happen to be “lacking”…
…well…I have a Stone to bury in the flesh of Mother Earth…the Stone, I’ve carried in a Medicine Bag, and slowly it just shatters more each day…I believe the Stone is Quartz, this one…and I was told that once a Stone is broken, I must return it to our Mother…it can not heal once it has shattered…it must return to Earth so that it may be restored again…
…*sighs*…
here are some songs, for now….

---

Heaven Forbid-The Fray

Twenty years it's breaking you down, now that you understand there's no one around.
Take a breath, just take a seat, your falling apart and tearing at the seams.

Heaven forbid you end up alone and don't know why
Hold on tight wait for tomorrow, you'll be alright

It's on your face, is it on your mind, would you care to build a house of your own.
How much longer, how long can you wait, It's like you wanted to go and give yourself away.

Heaven forbid you end up alone and don't know why
Hold on tight wait for tomorrow, you'll be alright

It feels good. Is that reason enough for you.
It feels good. Is that reason enough for you.

Heaven forbid you end up alone and don't know why
Hold on tight wait for tomorrow, you'll be alright
Heaven forbid you end up alone and don't know why
Hold on tight wait for tomorrow, you'll be alright

Out of this one
Don't know how to get you out of this one, don't know how to get you out of this one,
Don't know how to get you out of this one, don't know how to get you out of this one.

---

How Could This Happen To Me-Simple Plan

I open my eyes
I try to see but I’m blinded by the white light
I can’t remember how
I can’t remember why
I’m lying here tonight

And I can’t stand the pain
And I can’t make it go away
No I can’t stand the pain

How could this happen to me
I made my mistakes
I’ve got no where to run
The night goes on
As I’m fading away
I’m sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me

Everybody’s screaming
I try to make a sound but no one hears me
I’m slipping off the edge
I’m hanging by a thread
I wanna start this over again

So I try to hold onto a time when nothing mattered
And I can’t explain what happened
And I can’t erase the things that I’ve done
No I can’t

How could this happen to me
I made my mistakes
I’ve got no where to run
The night goes on
As I’m fading away
I’m sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me

I made my mistakes
I’ve got no where to run
The night goes on
As I’m fading away
I’m sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me

---

Unwritten Law - Rejected
Was it something I said
Or something I became
Said he filled his head with lead
Just to take away the pain
I'm not gonna give in
Gonna stand up and fight
Make believe that the world is safe
For you and me tonight
I don't want to
I don't need to
Understand the world we live in
Just because I understand the truth
Not alone.....rejected
I don't want to believe
There's no time left to dream
So much to wish for
But there's no air left to breathe
I don't know what is wrong
I don't know what is right
So much to live for
But my mind screams suicide
I don't want to
I don't need to
Understand the world we live in
Just because I understand the truth
Not alone...rejected
Through t... ]]> ~Chuge http://Chuge.deviantart.com/journal/18114777/ http://Chuge.deviantart.com/journal/18114777/ Thu, 01 May 2008 09:24:02 PDT This is my path…and I must walk alone…I must live and die alone…
This is not a choice…as Jaire has said…this is a lifestyle…there is no way out of this…
…I know I have…distant loved ones…but even having them, I still feel so alone…
recently, I’ve tried so hard to reach out…and I realized that it’s just not meant for me…in order to find the ones who truly understand, I must search the heart of Earth…and they may be centuries away from here…why was I expecting to find someone who isn’t so distant?…it’s not possible, that would be too simple…there is pain, I must face…therefore…I must remember to trust no one around here, unless I deeply believe they can be trusted…
I’ve learned from recent experiences that I don’t feel like writing about here…
I must stay alone, I’m sick of giving into desperations I’m not meant to have…
They will only destroy me…I just can’t let them take control of my being…forgive me…
This is not for the ones who do understand…this is about my desperation to heal this unbearable loneliness…I must release that desperation, and accept the beautiful Solitude who creates my understanding and keeps my mind open…

]]> ~Chuge http://Chuge.deviantart.com/journal/18098818/ http://Chuge.deviantart.com/journal/18098818/ Wed, 30 Apr 2008 09:08:31 PDT
*sighs*

]]> ~Chuge http://Chuge.deviantart.com/journal/18083585/ http://Chuge.deviantart.com/journal/18083585/ Tue, 29 Apr 2008 09:21:19 PDT …I can’t live another year with her…especially if Scot marries her…she won’t speak to my father at all, while he is still in that hospital…he doesn’t understand why she won’t speak to him, and assumes that it’s because of Scot…
honestly, I don’t even understand why my mother is so desperate to marry him… practically assuming that he will do everything she wants him to…or is she just hoping for that…she doesn’t want to be alone, but she’s still rather ignorant and selfish…as many would say…
that doesn’t mean she doesn’t have feelings…it’s just that…why is she getting married with him, at the same time, telling Kevin that she’ll go back to him in three months?…*sighs*
honestly, I don’t really like either of them…and if she’s going to marry Scot, what does that make him?…she never married anyone before, and now she’s rushing into marrying him…
not that it really matters to me, I think it should be up to them, although…I don’t think it will work so well…
it’s just hard to live there, whether she marries him or not…but going to midway…it seems like a great place, but I’ll have to switch schools and everything…
I really don’t know what to do…it can’t possibly be that hard to live with her…*sigh*
…but it would be great to live somewhere else…I have written a poem some weeks ago, only one…and still haven’t submitted it…I also need to submit this six page poem that Harley wrote with me in RCPC….
I was going to write more here, but everything seemed to fade from my memory…as if some tide has washed it away completely…my beloved emptiness…

]]> ~Chuge http://Chuge.deviantart.com/journal/17958434/ http://Chuge.deviantart.com/journal/17958434/ Mon, 21 Apr 2008 11:55:22 PDT She is not giving up, she continues to stand strong…just as the Trees continue to embrace the skies, the Stars continue to shine brightly…the Moon, the Ravens, and all Nature herself…
At this time, I am desperately trying to discover my beliefs…I once believed in a single God, and one who gave me such powerful faith…was Debbie…and a dream I had, something that happened long ago…she was an amazing Being…who deserves any happiness that is possible…although her life has been lost…I still remember her…how she looks and everything…I was only seven…and I still miss her…
I seem to have lost that faith…and my faith went to the Great Ravens…these Great Spirits I have come across…Serabi, as the leader…his beautiful silver-blue eyes…if only I could meet his eyes again…that was an amazing experience…and all the times that these three Ravens saved me…many experiences they shared…I miss how I always bowed to the Great Tree…not as a master, but I treated the Tree as a Teacher, a Healer…not a God…but my Family…
That Tree is who gave me Serabi’s name along with many more Great Spirits…but I seem to have grown more distant from these beliefs…more distant from Nature herself…and now I lie within my own solitude, eternally alone and overwhelmingly confused…
Trapped in the very center of many beliefs and religions, experiences…I’m trapped between darkness and light, but I am not in the shadows or twilight….i am being torn apart, pulled in both directions at the same time…
What do I believe in?…how do I continue to survive?…
I love Nature and all Animals…but somehow the aura of the Great Spirits, the messages I used to find…are not as powerful as they were…when I used to practice meditation and bow before that Tree…the Tree was my life…I was there every night…watching the sky…amazingly vivid experiences I had then…I miss them…
But I will return to them…someday…soon…
Do I still believe in a God or Goddess?…well…not too long ago, I lost the belief in God…I started to believe, if there is a God it is the Universe itself…the Universe is the producer of Mother Earth, all Planets, the Stars, everything…and the Earth made her own productions as well, she created us and the Trees, all Animals and Plants that live within her flesh…
After speaking to my sister’s brother…who studies many religions…and tries to discover the truth from one bible to another bible…noticing the differences in them…the missing pieces…well, he believes in God and a Mother Goddess…and I’m not sure…of my beliefs…
Sometimes I wonder…how God would feel if he does exist…how he must feel to know that millions of his creations don’t even believe in him…it hurts me and makes me feel terribly guilty…
If he does exist, and I don’t believe in him…it just isn’t right, I know he would have feelings if he’s there…so it’s hard for me…and I still speak as if there is a God and his wife, a Goddess…I speak to them as if I do believe, and I do tell them how uncertain I truly am…
What should I believe in, and what is there to believe in?…I still need to find out who I am…but do I not already know?…
I believe in…Mother Earth, she has provided us with so much…why must we pierce these needles through her veins, injecting her with all our polluted chemicals and this never-ending ignorance?….
What have we done?…there must be some way to return to her, to love her, to embrace her…to set her free again….why won’t anyone just….open their eyes and start listening?…forget the distractions, we made them and must destroy them….civilization has no power, it is us who feed such a monster…why is everyone so blinded, so careless as to what they do?….what has become of us, we are such horrifying savages…just starving to death with no power….we are weak…we have nothing…and we wonder why there is so much violence, why everyone has so much anger and hatred, such frustration to the point…where some are suicidal, homicidal, mentally ill, or just plain ignorant…and the cure, the only remedy they can come up with is another of their own fucked up creations…medication, drugs…hospitals, prisons, institutions…..WE ARE DESTROYING OURSELVES….and we don’t care….nobody cares….
…*sighs*…
now what was I writing about?….well…I think I know why it’s so hard for me to speak…I did this to myself…just as everyone else destroys themselves…I stole my life…by isolating myself…when I used to take everything too seriously…
everyone wonders why I can’t speak…and I don’t know how to reply…or why it’s so hard now…
it’s because…of the past…what I did to myself then…I always loved all Animals…always…I knew they had fee... ]]> ~Chuge http://Chuge.deviantart.com/journal/17925334/ http://Chuge.deviantart.com/journal/17925334/ Sat, 19 Apr 2008 09:48:41 PDT *sighs*


" the EEL:
Mysterious exterior, Emotional, great depths, transformation) In the Chinese
legend, if a snake is eating an eel, you should wait until only the head is still visible and
cut it off; if you carry this head about with you, your income will be assured and you
will always win at games.The eel brings in the kundulini energy; the serpent creative life
force; and within us the force of life that allows for our greatest transformation. A
study of the kundulini process will be of great benefit to those whom the eel appears as
a messenger or totem.This also means that there is a great journey ahead. It will be so
transforming that even our family may not recognize us through the changes and into
great depth and distance. We may find ourselves travelling to distant places and
exploring new depths that will transform us. What we were may not even be visible at
all. We will have grown stronger spiritually and phsysically transforming. "

]]> ~Chuge http://Chuge.deviantart.com/journal/17922845/ http://Chuge.deviantart.com/journal/17922845/ Sat, 19 Apr 2008 06:12:45 PDT I may be wrong, but I do wish to find out...
...well, it started with..."license plates" as they call them, everywhere I go, I see at least one license plate where the first three digits form the word, "EEL"
...and not too long ago, my art teacher showed this painthing she made, there just happens to be an Eel on it...
I think of the Eel...almost like...a Snake...but different...The Eel...what would his message be?...*sigh*
...Continue on, creating your own path and there will be many changes, there will be...great burdens...
well, if anyone happens to know anything about the Eel Spirit...I looked it up, but found nothing about the Eel....I found many Animal Spirits, many sites, not one of them has the Eel...
unlike the Snake, the Eel does not shed his skin...he does not represent Transformation, or mabye he does in another way...mabye I should go on sites that have information about Eels and try to discover his message...
I know this seems strange....*sigh*
...I just have this feeling that the Eel has a meaningful message....
that's all I'm going to write....but I am still worried about loved ones...and I always will be...they are my Family....and I won't let go of anyone.....
*sigh*
I really have to stop...reading old messages....and journals....it's just....depressing...

]]> ~Chuge http://Chuge.deviantart.com/journal/17877718/ http://Chuge.deviantart.com/journal/17877718/ Wed, 16 Apr 2008 09:17:58 PDT Forgive me…to all of you who do understand…I have a very dear Sister…who is desperate to take her life…and I will not say her name here…I have nothing against Death…it is often misunderstood by many…but this dear Sister…she means so much to me…I fear…what may happen to her…so much can happen, and…it tears me to pieces…
I have no words to say that can possibly fill this emptiness…this sorrow…there is no explanation…the silence, is unbearable…but the silence is how I must survive…I won’t let go of anyone I love…everyone who understands…
How many have been lost?…how many more have taken their own life away?…and why?...what led them to such misery…such powerful sorrow that…leads them to take their own life away…how could someone just…keep on pushing them…with no remorse…so careless…it’s agonizing…
For the ones who do care… please, pray for this dear Sister…whatever your beliefs are…it makes no difference…if you care…you will have faith in her…or hope…understanding…she is a very compassionate, loving Being…and she deserves every possible prayer…anything…to guide her through her sorrow…she only wishes to be free…the pain…is overwhelming…
…*eternal tears*…

]]> ~Chuge http://Chuge.deviantart.com/journal/17810385/ http://Chuge.deviantart.com/journal/17810385/ Sat, 12 Apr 2008 09:36:19 PDT By the way...I'm really not Gothic at all...I am attracted to dark colors, they're just so...Deep and vast...
they have so much in them...I'm also attracted to sorrow of others...
...and my sister's brother...he said that he has this feeling....that I may be an Oracle...
As for the Ravens, I see them everywhere, every single day...^^
...and the Love Birds...I still keep on seeing them alone...
well, here are some songs I found about Mother Earth....the first one especially pierced through me the deepest...*tears*

------

Pegazus
» Mother Earth

Mother Earth is dying
There are people crying
Where will it lead us?
Where will we go?
Nobody knows

Why let her die?
Why choose to destroy her?
She gave us all we need
Now it's ruined by
Temptation and greed

Watching the sky turn to grey
People are dying every day
Toxins in the air to no despair
The air that we breathe gets worse every year

Mother Earth is dying - Can't you hear her crying?
She's crying - Crying

The world it turns but suffers slow
Not many care or even know
But soon the day, the day will come
When it is all, all too late

Mother Earth is dying - Can't you hear her crying?
She's crying - Crying

[Solo]

Mother Earth is dying - Can't you hear her crying?
She's crying - Crying

Spoken words of peace are just a lie to me
You hear it all the time, it's a God damn crime
Can't you hear her, how the wind cries?
Can't you see her, the colour of her skies?

Mother Earth is dying - Can't you hear her crying?
She's crying, She's crying
Crying, Crying, Crying, Crying

------


Threshold
» Mother Earth

between the tumbling of the mountains and the vastness of the sky
lurks a power that we all dream of none of us knows why
she flies into a temper every time she comes awake
lead us not into destruction with the mess that we now make

oh mother earth don't seal our fate
i'm still standing in the light of day

she's the great benign she-wolf who gives breath to every life
she's a builder and destroyer but she will not be sacrificed
she flies into a temper when thunder rapes the skies
our mother and protector through the interstices of time

oh mother earth don't seal our fate
i'm still drowning in ultraviolet rays

but in the temples, where the children play
they've split the atom, turning night-time into day

oh mother earth don't seal our fate
i'm still standing in the light of day

------

Osbourne Ozzy
» Revelation (Mother Earth)

Mother please forgive them
For they know not what they do
Looking back in history's books
It seems it's nothing new
Oh! Let my mother live

Heaven is for heroes
And hell is full of fools
Stupidity, no will to live
They're breaking God's own rules
Please let my mother live

Father, of all creation
I think we're all going wrong
The course they're taking
Seems to be breaking
And it won't take too long

Children of the future
Watching empires fall
Madness the cup they drink from
Self destruction the toll

I had a vision, l saw the world burn
And the seas had turned red
The sun had fallen, the final curtain
In the land of the dead

Mother, please show the children
Before it's too late
To fight each other, there's no-one winning
We must fight all the hate

]]> ~Chuge http://Chuge.deviantart.com/journal/17794585/ http://Chuge.deviantart.com/journal/17794585/ Fri, 11 Apr 2008 11:53:40 PDT Well…about Love Birds…I see them almost every day, but…every time I see a Love Bird, he/she is always alone…I thought they were supposed to have someone they love and never lose…why is it that every single Love Bird I see is alone?
I have returned to the Waterfall, this time we went to the top somewhere…and there was this Tree…that looks like a Stag, a Deer, Protector of the Forest…such a beautiful Tree with profound meanings…
…*sighs*…there was a field trip today, to the Boces career place…I was there long ago, but only in the IDT…so I didn’t know much about it…well, the course I went for was digital imagery, photoshop…I’m going to take it next year…
it will help to create illustrations for my story, and I would also like to make things to promote Animal Liberation, and bring out the truth somehow…
I’m terrible when it comes to speaking….someone there spoke to me, and honestly no matter how much I wanted to speak…it’s just so difficult…I’m so timid…someone asked what type of “Gothic” I am…and I said I’m more of a Gothic Pagan…(yes, I actually replied…x_x )
Well then as I thought about it…my mind changed completely...I’m not Gothic…I’m just…I seem to be attracted to dark colors, but the Forest comes first…I used to think I was Gothic, after looking it up and finding this profound Spirituality certain Goths believe in…
Darkness is often misunderstood…but Light is no different…why do I constantly block everything out?…what am I so afraid of?…
That’s all I’m going to write for now…I’ll submit some pictures later, hoping that I will be online this weekend…*sigh*

]]> ~Chuge http://Chuge.deviantart.com/journal/17744605/ http://Chuge.deviantart.com/journal/17744605/ Tue, 08 Apr 2008 08:38:58 PDT This is the second time in two weeks…I went up to MorningStar’s house…but I didn’t see her…I turned back…I saw the beautiful Healing Pyramid, and of course-the Ravens were everywhere…
Eventually…I’ll go just a little closer…until I finally meet her…*sigh*
Well…I was also lying on the roof for a few hours yesterday…watching the Ravens fly above…along with a few smaller Birds in nearby Trees, curious of my presence on the roof…they were watching me…
I was able to go on the roof, without the “fear” of being seen by others…yesterday was the best day I’ve had for a while…my sister’s brother brought me to a beautiful Waterfall…that looked like a stairway…and a nearby Tree, was filled with meaningful symbols…one of the symbols was like a Healing Pyramid, or an Arrow… pointed towards the Waterfall…
One thing I hated…was the piles of garbage and humyn waste dumped all over the place…*sighs*
Well…this summer I’ll be going to my aunt’s house…and I’ll be outside so often, I be sure to meet the eyes of Serabi again…how deeply I miss those beautiful eyes…all I have to do is lie down in the grass everyday for long hours…he’ll be sure to come again…and I don’t need a camera…I only wish to meet his precious eyes again…
As for being Alone…I don’t care anymore…it’s not that hard…it’s not hard at all…why have I wasted so much time dwelling in something that has no effect on me?
If I want to heal this Earth, I must learn to face the eyes of ignorance…and at this time…I will have to do this alone…that’s just the way it is, I guess…
….it won’t be too much longer….

]]> ~Chuge http://Chuge.deviantart.com/journal/17709538/ http://Chuge.deviantart.com/journal/17709538/ Sun, 06 Apr 2008 04:17:55 PDT This message, explains what I'll be doing in the future...I'm not so confused anymore...I know what must be done, and I must succeed in this...I won't leave Earth behind, and I won't let her down.....
but one thing I don't understand....how many have already thought of this?...why aren't they doing it?....why hasn't anyone started this?...
there has to be a deep enough forest somewhere, there must be a place that this is possible...and you see...here is the purpose....if we find a small group, and they raise their children, they raise more children and it keeps on going, our population grows as years progress....we know where and how to stay hidden from those who tressapss, not fight, but stay hidden and unknown....until, the time comes....there will be so many of us, we can change the world....we can show them how far we've come, how we survived with Nature and mabye they will finally listen....they will finally see...if we can do this, anyone can do this if they're willing to try....this is very possible...although it will not be easy....we must be strong to do this.....we can't give up....and it will take time....well, here is the message....this part is the last paragraph, I believe....



Well...Trees...they inspire me...and so do Ravens...along with many others...everything in Nature...I had a great discussion with someone yesterday...he's my sister's brother...well, at least he knows about certain things I wish to learn...
...Elephants also inspire me...their profound thoughts, powerful wisdom, deep compassion...and the hymans torment them...it's terrible...those poor Elephants...I also found a few "hunting" sites....people who hunt Ravens and Crows...they have to be able to "deal with" that agonizing cry the Birds will make when you kill a member of their family....what is the purpose of killing them to begin with?
It's not like anyone will be "eating them to survive"
those hunters are just going to use them for their walls of profit and ignorance...the pain of other Animals...it amuses them...*sigh*
Well....the discussion I had was about the possiblity in the future...after learning how to live with Primitive living skills, after becoming One with the system I will then break free from it...I will go to college just to build up my knowledge on living Primitive-I have to take Anthropology...and I'll have to use money and work with the system for a while...but I'll also have to find ones who are deeply interested in what I'll be doing...we'll have to start by growing certain plants, and as years progress they will grow themselves and be Natural again...a small group of other hymans, we'll need some horses to guide us deep into the forest, unknown and never to be known until the time comes that we must return and prove that we can go back...we can heal this Earth....
we will teach our children to live as One with Nature, and one day....we shall return...but for the time living in the forest, we must learn how to be hidden from every single tresspasser....so we must learn about the forest, about caves and hiding, living, Everything...this is very possible, it isn't easy, but it is possible...and I'll give everything to do this...
I wrote too much...I'm sorry....it was just a great conversation we had...this is what I'm going to do in the future....I must succeed, this is for my Mother...^^

]]> ~Chuge http://Chuge.deviantart.com/journal/17693765/ http://Chuge.deviantart.com/journal/17693765/ Sat, 05 Apr 2008 05:06:38 PDT Death is doing this, for her own protection...I feel empty today, but I like this emptiness...just like the other day...some emptiness is painful...but I don't mind this emptiness...
...just staring at the pure white sky, clouded with so many emotions...
the silence is so profound...why is everyone so desperate to break such beautiful silence?
what are they so afraid of?...well, here are a few songs...I have four submissions, later today I will submit them...the three paintings, and one picture of a Raven...
the sound they make when they're in love, it's the most beautiful voice....the Ravens live nearby, and I won't show them the camera anymore...I don't want them to fear living where they wish to live...
then again, there will be hunters...they better not harm these Ravens....there are also Crows nearby...many of them...even they seemed to be attracted to the beautiful sound of that Raven who was in love...the Crows were everywhere...
they're smaller than Ravens, and their tails are more round...while Ravens have more of a pointed tail...
they're all Corvids though...^^
...I read about how they're attracted to crystals, and certain colors, like violet, purple, and blue....those are my favorite colors, and those are also the colors that shine on their feathers in the light...


She doesn't look, she doesn't see
Opens up for nobody
Figures out, she figures out
Narrow line, she can't decide
Everything short of suicide
Never hurts, nearly works

Something is scratching it's way out
Something you want to forget about

A part of you that'll never show
You're the only one that'll ever know
Take it back when it all began
Take your time, would you understand
What it's all about
What it's all about

Something is scratching it's way out
Something you want to forget about
No one expects you to get up
All on your own with no one around

~The Fray-Little House




Not that you're the one
Not to say I'm right
Not to say today
And not to say a thing tonight


But suffice it to say
We're leaving things unsaid
We sing ourselves to sleep
Watching the day lie down instead

And we are leaving some things unsaid
And we are breathing deeper instead

We're both pretty sure
Neither one can tell
We seem difficult
What we got is hard as hell

A hundred thousand words could not quite explain
So I walk you to your car And we can talk it out in the rain

And we are leaving some things unsaid
And we are breathing deeper instead
And we are leaving some things unsaid

I can sing myself to sleep
No more

Not that you're the one
Not to say I'm right
Not to say today
And not to say a thing tonight

~The Fray-Unsaid

]]> ~Chuge http://Chuge.deviantart.com/journal/17689426/ http://Chuge.deviantart.com/journal/17689426/ Fri, 04 Apr 2008 20:01:00 PDT ...I have one new picture, but after taking it...the beautiful Raven made a warning call, and many other Ravens replied, all going into the forest....
I also went on an art trip, on Thursday...
...to this place called R&F.....
I made three paintings....one is about...memories, FAF, broken bonds...*sigh*
I used a picture that Tsuki made, the one with an anime picture of her, Lucas, HWF, and myself...that said "Always and Forever"
...now two seem to be completely gone...Lucas and HWF...
well, the other two paintings...one is just...kind of about myself, with some poetry embedded....and the other is for my RP character, Florissant....
they are wax paintings.....*sigh*
...encaustic.......I hope they didn't harm the Bees to make that wax.....*sighs*
I'll submit a picture of the paintings when I have more time to....
as for Emptiness....well...sometimes I love the Emptiness, while sometimes I practically hate it....it's so peaceful....yet it's so destroying...I guess that's where the balance comes in....mabye it's meant to be like this...this Emptiness...is meant to be....

]]> ~Chuge http://Chuge.deviantart.com/journal/17680484/ http://Chuge.deviantart.com/journal/17680484/ Fri, 04 Apr 2008 09:31:17 PDT these sites are for "hunting Crows"...
....some of the words are agonizing, it makes me have a deep hatred for anyone who could possibly harm a Crow or Raven...
how these Birds...if one is killed, the rest will cry out painfully and see their dead loved one....they will cry for them, they love each other so deeply....I read about how young Corvids will watch over their dying elders....and as they grow older, they remain with their family forever....the young Corvids help their parents with new ones...and they have such powerful, loving bonds with each other....the hunting sites explain how in order to kill Crows, you must be able to deal with the cry they make when you kill one...and the sites say that they will all go down to the one you kill, unless you're still shooting at them, and they have no choice but to try escaping, while still crying out with an agonizing voice.....
*sigh*
...the words they wrote are so painful....but they don't care about the pain they cause....how could they kill something, anything...that has such vivid feelings and emotions....something that has a heart and soul, a family.........*eternal tears*

]]> ~Chuge http://Chuge.deviantart.com/journal/17602952/ http://Chuge.deviantart.com/journal/17602952/ Mon, 31 Mar 2008 09:15:34 PDT
I actually managed to get online this weekend, and I am deeply grateful for that…as for my father, he should be out of the hospital somewhere near the 4th of April…the only problem he may be facing is finding a place to live…his boss, Paulette…she spoke to his brother, I think…and now she doesn’t want him to live at her house, so he needs to speak with her to find out what happened…
The story I’m writing, I haven’t done much yet…I’m actually farther in RP than in my story…as for poetry, I haven’t written in ages…

Well, recently…I called Annaelle…she is married now…I miss her so much…and she still has some of my older journals, I gave to her…last time I saw her, she’s holding onto them for me…as for Harley/Nina…I can’t find her number, and she hasn’t been on myspace…I wonder where she is and if she’s okay…I hope she isn’t still in that depressing hospital…
At least this site works from the school now…*sighs*
By the way, for those of you who don’t know…I made a new Family site…since Lucas left us willingly…well, the link is:

[link]


as for Thorn…he was online!…but he hasn’t spoken to me…I don’t know why…I hope that he’s okay…
…well, today I’m not too depressed…I’m so grateful to see the Ravens…and it’s snowing right now…the sky is so empty, so cold and eternal…the snow…it’s so pure…if only it hadn’t been for so much pollution in this world…

I’m so confused…out of everyone in my “blood-related family”…I am the only one…who thinks differently…as in…these powerful feelings that all beings should be free and equal…I’m the only one who has these beliefs, along with being the only vegetarian…and being gothic…who am I?…it is interesting how many introverts seem to be attracted to the color black…to darkness, to these innermost feelings…
Well…I haven’t listened to any music today, because….it’s just so depressing, I don’t feel like even reading the lyrics right now….it’s just overwhelmingly unbearable….

By the way…I spoke to my art teacher…and she helped me to meet some beings…they are in the same school…and have deviantart…honestly, it feels…*sigh*
I don’t even know what I’m doing, or how and if this is possible…they spoke to me on deviantart…

And I don’t know why…I can’t let go of the past…I must…he let go…of everything…so why do I continue to hold on?…I miss him so deeply…it tears me apart….what happened to the memories?…what happened to...the past?…must all become forsaken, after all of the promises?…I’m sorry…I try not to think too much, but it’s hard to forget…I don’t want to let go…
I keep reading old messages, and letters……along with some things that Harley wrote…I don’t want to lose her either…I read over that poem we wrote together…*sighs*

I also worry about a dear Brother…he wants to end his life, and it’s not for me to say…I won’t say his name, because I don’t think he would want me to…but I do care…and I can’t stop him from what he wishes to do…Tsuki, dear Sister…you do know who I speak of…

]]> ~Chuge http://Chuge.deviantart.com/journal/17574742/ http://Chuge.deviantart.com/journal/17574742/ Sat, 29 Mar 2008 14:18:04 PDT
]]> ~Chuge http://Chuge.deviantart.com/journal/17554411/ http://Chuge.deviantart.com/journal/17554411/ Fri, 28 Mar 2008 09:21:08 PDT
I’m sorry…I have cut myself today, and I also decided to take three, only three…(not overdose, but it’s meant for those who are over 18 and says to only take one) …I was actually hoping not to pass out, so far it’s okay, but I think it worsened my depression greatly….as for that psychiatric hospital, it’s practically haunting me…I’m constantly thinking about it, I want to die, I want to runaway and kill myself….I’m deeply suicidal, but I’m not going to say any of the thoughts I have been feeling since last night…

Today, even the presence of Ravens isn’t helping me, I just want to die so desperately…I see no purpose in anything whatsoever, nothing at all, and I can’t take it anymore…all of my strength is completely faded, I can’t even find a reason to live…for this Earth?…I can’t do anything, I am Nothing…and she will be free, I believe in her, so many beings who wish to save her, she does not need me….

And death…it is so peaceful, how could someone be against death?…I will still keep my promise to Earth when I die, because I will still be with her, my body will return to her flesh, and I don’t really know what will become of my soul…

Wow, I’m actually managing to stay in control of my thoughts right now, unlike the way I had visualized it last night and earlier today…yes, deviantart works from the school now…
But…I just don’t seem to care anymore, I am so blinded….i’m not very stable at this moment, and I don’t even know what to do…one thing I will never allow is returning to a hospital, that is something that will destroy the last of me…why must I live?…I want to fucking die, right now….i can’t belive I’m actually controlling my thoughts for this site here…

I won’t say anything about the thoughts I have, I know that they will only reveal the rest of my insanity….by the way, I tried to speak to someone yesterday, but I don’t think she really cared or wanted to speak with me, so I was quick to give up…then later, someone said something to me, but I just looked down and walked away (as usual)….I don’t care anymore, I don’t want to know anyone, why was I so willing to try yesterday, and so desperate to fucking surrender and die right now?…

One thing that seemed to help with yesterday was…AngelOfTheShadows, he has returned……I missed him deeply….but I still worry about others…no I don’t worry…do I?…why do I worry, we are all the same?…there’s nothing to worry about, if death leads to freedom…society makes death look so terrible, it frightens everyone, what are they trying to hide?…why do they insist to keep everyone in this fucking imprisonment, blinded to their own ideologies?….

And another thing that made me feel worse yesterday…I was walking…and there was this very loving dog, but he just barked at me for no reason…and he circled me, he likes everyone so why was he so defensive towards me?….somehow, that really hurt me…I don’t know why…it’s like….everyone, I mean Everyone hates me…I don’t know what I’m doing wrong…but it’s destroying me…I deserve to be alone, it’s the only way I can die….it’s the only way….i don’t feel close to anyone, nobody….i’m sorry….

To those who do care, don’t even bother replying to this….i hope this doesn’t hurt anyone….it’s just how I feel right now…don’t try to help me….i don’t want to be helped…why can’t you just let me die now?…why can’t you understand this desperation?…

I want to die, this is my choice…you can’t change that, I’m pleading for you…to not try, don’t try….i don’t need anyone…I have nothing to live for…here, this is like saying goodbye…but I can’t just kill myself right now, I have realized that….i’ll first need to find a way…it will take time, but….i’m sorry….i do not wish to speak of any names….i am eternally alone, it’s obvious that I am not meant for this world…I have no purpose….this is why everyone avoids me…I am Nothing….I am Death…maybe I do belong in that fucking hospital…imprisoned for all eternity…if that is where that want me to be, I would rather die right now….




The Patient Mental

Patient, just as I am, as always.
Watch the time go by, nothing left to pass by.
The minutes follow me, drunken little people work away in me.

Why won't they leave me, leave me alone?
When I don't even want me, want me.

I have to kill the words befo... ]]> ~Chuge http://Chuge.deviantart.com/journal/17235889/ http://Chuge.deviantart.com/journal/17235889/ Sat, 08 Mar 2008 07:15:46 PST A young Humyn, about 17 years of age was kneeling down beside the corner of a dark cellar. Not even the slightest bit of light could reach him, as he sat there all alone. The only light that seemed to exist was not visible to the Humyn, because the light was from his beautiful silver eyes.
He could hear the agonizing screams of the wind, repeating the memories of his past. His silence only seemed to make him feel even colder, as the storm continued on through this darkened night.
After a while, the boy's eyes began to close, darkening the cellar so that no light could possibly be seen. It wasn't long before he fell into a deep sleep, so deep that it seemed almost impossible to wake from. ________________________________________________________________

"In the beginning…" an unseen voice began to speak into the darkened silence. "…and there was only Darkness. This Darkness, it was not feared... It was embraced, though it felt cold and painful…" As the voice continued to speak, many of the words seemed to perish. They faded into the Darkness so that only few could still be heard…but what about the rest of this message?…who is this voice, and where is it coming from? What is it trying to say, and what does it mean?…or where is the question I am truly seeking, I wish to ask…what is Darkness? How does it feel, how does it taste? What about its color, its appearance, what types of emotions does it carry? Most of all…I would like to ask, who is this voice speaking to, and what is its purpose? Does it have a purpose, if it did wouldn't its words be visible?
________________________________________________________________

Long hours had passed before the Humyn opened his eyes, and he stared blankly into nothingness. He dreamt of a powerful voice…the voice was the Darkness itself, he knew. And he was a slave to that Darkness, he was only its messenger. Somehow, no matter how hard he tried…he couldn't seem to remember what the Darkness spoke of. He only remembered the silence it carried, but the message remained unknown.
Slowly, the Humyn lifted himself from the darkened corner, and walked towards the entrance of the cellar. He moved a small rock about the size of two hands resting together, and watched as a bright light from the Moon entered the cellar.
And a moment later, his form changed to a beautiful Raven and he quickly flew towards the silver shining Moonlight. Silently, he flew with a peaceful grace, not even taking a moment to look back. He continued forward, with no words to say, only thoughts that never seemed to end.
Far past the mountains he flew desperately ,although he was tired he continued without the slightest bit of rest. Dawn was approaching quickly, and he realized he was going to be a moment later than usual. Urgency suddenly spread through his icy veins and he forced himself to move more quickly.
A great fear overcame his entire body, but he didn't know where it was coming from. And there was a new scent filling his lungs, something that he had no memory of. He could hear an agonizing cry in the distance, and he realized it was coming from his destination. As he grew closer, he could see a heavy smoke covering the entire forest and he flew straight into it.
His eyes grew wide as they consumed a bright light, a powerful flame that was eating the entire forest. Animals ran from every corner and tree, all of them filled with an agonizing fear.
"Brother!" a sorrow filled voice cried out, and he could see his beloved Sister approaching him. He remained silent, as they both returned to their Humyn forms and wrapped each other in a soft embrace. "It's gone…" she whispered painfully. "Everything… is gone…" Tears flooded both of their beautiful eyes, as they held onto each other with no words to say.
He held onto his Sister, but she seemed to grow so cold as if she was bound to fade away. Slowly, he began to look into his Sister's eyes, after so many long moments of seeing only emptiness. "I love you…" he whispered almost to himself, without even realizing that he had spoken.
She then looked into his eyes to see a reflection of herself, and a reflection of all that had been lost. "I love you too… ", she whispered softly, wiping the tears from the eyes of her Brother. He began to wipe her tears just as gently as she did for him, and they grasped onto each other even more tightly.
The powerful flame that killed the forest was now surrounding them, and only grew closer as it devoured the last trees. He gently stroked his Sister's hair before changing back to his Rave... ]]> ~Chuge http://Chuge.deviantart.com/journal/17143257/ http://Chuge.deviantart.com/journal/17143257/ Sun, 02 Mar 2008 04:45:51 PST I'll also post my Dream here-it was amazing....I'm trying to find out the messages in it...and the messages from the Cemetary....well, here is what I wrote....

------

" today, I walked in the nearby Cemetary...actually, we just came back from there...me and John Jr, my sister's brother....
well.....something happened...
...this one Tombstone....with a Cross and a symbol...next to an amazing, Tree...with four other Trees growing from the same Tree....I was...almost attracted to that area...I walked rigt towards it...
...and then the wind blew...and tears were falling from my eyes....this powerful, profound.....deep, agonizing feelings...filled with Sorrow....but form what?...where were they coming from?...I couldn't stop crying.....I don't know why....this aura, the energy.....
.....it was amazing.....I still feel it...these feelings....it feels like something is tying me together......but I'm bound to fall apart....to sink....and drown.....
chains, covering my entire body...weighing me down.....
oh, and....Ravens....everywhere today.....even in the Cemetary.....cawing and flying through the skies.....everywhere....speaking, with desperation...crying out....
...I want to go back to the Cemetary.....right now, I just...can't stop shivering...I"m so cold...but in that Cemetary...I didn't feel alone....or as despressed as usual....I felt....some energy...some life....like....I belong there......and I'm not alone there......I'm so desperate to go back....it's so peaceful there.... "

------

As for the Dream, it is here.....


" Well...I had a very profound Dream....once again, with Ravens who shapeshift into Humyn forms....
it was amazing...I don't know where I was, some strange building...I hope it wasn't a hospital, no it couldn't be....they wouldn't have let me outside...I don't remember who was there, or how I went outside...
okay, before I went outside....I was always staring out the window....to see these two beatiful humyns...with very long hair, they were just lying in the grass.....their hair was so long, it seemed even longer than their bodies....
and Ravens were everywhere.....
when I went outside, I went where I saw them...and they ran...they vanished....and something was almost pulling me to their direction....but I was distracted....these beautiful Ravens, millions of them....cawing and crying out....flying and walking everywhere.....I tried to take a picture....and they all left....except one, who just ran into....some small hole....
...so I followed that Raven....there was so much more...but somehow, I can't seem to remeber anything else....like what was there....
......actually, there was something else.....the hole was almost like....a place, like a landscape....and those two humyns were there.....one spoke to me....and she said so much.....she wanted to teach me.....
...she was so peaceful....both of them were......she told me about meditation, along with healing anxiety, and freeing this Earth....and then, they had to leave.........she said to return again, but then she vanished into a Raven and was quickly gone.... "

]]> ~Chuge http://Chuge.deviantart.com/journal/17123721/ http://Chuge.deviantart.com/journal/17123721/ Fri, 29 Feb 2008 20:07:48 PST ...I think I'm going to create...two new accounts on this site...this one, I might not be using anymore...
the new accounts....one will be for anything having to do with Earth, Rewilding, and Green Anarchy....hopefully, I'll be able to finish that poem soon...I haven't been writing it for some time now...
I haven't even felt like writing, but I"m trying so hard to force myself...although it only seems to make me even more depressed....
...well, the other account...will be more for my...sorrowful self...more of the darkness, self-harm, suicide poetry....for anyone who understands...
Somehow...they just don't seem to fit together...I don't even know who I am...
how can one be peaceful with this Earth...when one is so desperate to die, so desperate to escape the misery that has been binded to the entire Earth, caused by the chains of civilization......
*sighs*
...why am I so alone?....and why does it hurt so much?....
why do I continue to seek those who understand....if they only fade away?.....all of them...in the end....everyone....fades away......
...I won't live much longer, but I will try...to live, to see the freedom of this Earth....that is all I have left to live for....after that, I must leave...
....that is my only purpose....and I can't live without the ones I love....it's hard enough with them all being so distant....
I recently found some very profound sites, for Beings who are introverted......and it said that I am an Idealist/Healer.....
well...that's all I'm going to say here....I just feel so depressed right now...and according to someone I've spoken to...he said the reason I have no energy, and so much depression....is because I never do anything, and because I'm Vegetarian...he thinks I may have some type of deficiency.....
....not that it really matters...but it would be great to have energy.....I am so weak, I just want to collapse......
And I won't be able to survive when civilization is gone....because I hate to hurt living Beings.....so I will die, and return to this Earth....why must living creatures eat to survive?....why can't we all just live together in harmony, without so much ignorance and hatred?.......

]]> ~Chuge http://Chuge.deviantart.com/journal/16811612/ http://Chuge.deviantart.com/journal/16811612/ Sun, 10 Feb 2008 05:59:50 PST


World So Cold-Mudvayne

When passion's lost and all the trust is gone,
Way too far, for way too long
Children crying, cast out and neglected,
Only in a world so cold, only in a world
This cold
Hold the hand of your best friend, look into their eyes
Then watch them drift away
Some might say, we've done the wrong things,
For way too long, for way too long

Fever inside the storm,
So I'm turning away.
Away from the name
(Calling your names)
Away from the stones
(Throw sticks and stones)
'Cause I'm through mending the wounds of us

Keep your thorns
'Cause I'm running away,
Away from the games
(Fucking head games)
Away from the space
(Hate this head space)
The circumstances of a world so cold

burning whispers, Remind me of the days,
I was left alone, in a world this cold
Guilty of the same things, provoked by
The cause,
I've left alone, in a world so cold
Fever inside the storm,
So I'm turning away.
Away from the name
(Calling your names)
Away from the stones
(Throw sticks and stones)
'Cause I'm through mending the wounds of us

Keep your thorns
'Cause I'm running away,
Away from the games
(Fucking head games)
Away from the space
(Hate this head space)
The circumstances of a world so cold

I'm flying, I'm flying away,
Away from the names
(Calling your names)
Away from the games
(Fucking head games)
The circumstances of a world so cold

Why does everyone feel like my enemy,
Don't want any part of depression or
Darkness, I've had enough
sick and tired, bring the sun, or I'm gone,
Or I'm gone

I'm backing out, I'm no pawn,
No mother-fucking slave to this,
Never lied
Never left
Never lived
Never loved
Never lost
Never hurt
Never worry about being me, or anyone else
Not a care, no concern, don't give a shit about
Anything

Backing out, giving up, no mother-fucking
Slave to this,
Never lied
Never left
Never lived
Never loved
Never lost
Never hurt
Never worry about being me, or anyone else
Not a care, no concern, don't give a shit about
Anything,

I need to find a darkened corner,
A lightless corner,
Where it's safer and calmer,

I'm turning away.
Away from the name
(Calling your names)
Away from the stones
(Throw sticks and stones)
'Cause I'm through mending the wounds of us

I'm running away,
Away from the games
(Fucking head games)
Away from the space
(Hate this head space)
The circumstances of a world so cold

I'm flying, I'm flying away,
Away from the names
(Calling your names)
Away from the games
(Fucking head games)
The circumstances of a world so cold





Never Too Late-Three Days Grace

This world will never be
What I expected
And if I don't belong
Who would have guessed it
I will not leave alone
Everything that I own
To make you feel like it's not too late
It's never too late

Even if I say
It'll be alright
Still I hear you say
You want to end your life
Now and again we try
To just stay alive
Maybe we'll turn it around
'Cause it's not too late
It's never too late

No one will ever see
This side reflected
And if there's something wrong
Who would have guessed it
And I have left alone
Everything that I own
To make you feel like
It's not too late
It's never too late

Even if I say
It'll be alright
Still I hear you say
You want to end your life
Now and again we try
To just stay alive
Maybe we'll turn it around
'Cause it's not too late
It's never too late

The world we knew
Won't come back
The time we've lost
Can't get back
The life we had
Won't be ours again

This world will never be
What I expected
And if I don't belong

Even if I say
It'll be alright
Still I hear you say
You want to end your life
Now and again we try
To just stay alive
Maybe we'll turn it around
'Cause it's not too late
It's never too late
Maybe we'll turn it around
'Cause it's not too late
It's never too late (It's never too late)
It's not too late
It's never too late

]]> ~Chuge http://Chuge.deviantart.com/journal/16795907/ http://Chuge.deviantart.com/journal/16795907/ Sat, 09 Feb 2008 06:43:03 PST ...If anyone has any type of advice, I would be truly grateful...here is what I've written so far...I left a space where the poem seems to stop flowing....




I am a Raven who is desperate to Fly, I’m a Wolf who is always Alone
Unlike most of the Humans I am willing to die, though my Voice may never be known
I derive from the soils that had once been so verdant, now they’re filled with puddles of blood
Born into a world filled with ignorant prisons, I am drowning in oil-filled mud
Everyone is domestic for this world lost its Freedom, only few still try to break free
While many are crying all the others are careless, while some are trying to See
Only few seem to notice all the Sorrow this Earth holds, most of us would love to escape
But we’re drowning in Sorrows from the ones who are heartless, we must hide ourselves in a cape
Society is the problem when it seeks for more power, it’s destroying a beautiful Earth
We have all been surrounded by Pollution and Violence, how could anyone choose to give Birth?
Nobody seems to realize all the Pain they’re creating, Society holds us in Chains
It’s post-poning our Freedom yet we still gain this knowledge, for this Earth we must always Remain
We will fight for Redemption and a cure of our Sorrows, technology is a main cause
Most humans search for power and it tears me apart, to see how they still want applause

Their greed buries us beneath the coldest graves, although they know that we are still Alive
We’re unable to breathe in this consuming Void, yet we still keep trying to Revive
Why must we continue to live in such Detachment, when we only wish to heal each bleeding Heart?
We are fighting man’s creations as we search for Understanding, desperately trying not to fall apart
Hoping to find Liberation for each Life, we search the Truth that only Earth can know
Desperately seeking for another place, but could there even be a place to go?
Many of us held blades to our own Hearts, hoping to escape all of the Pain

]]> ~Chuge http://Chuge.deviantart.com/journal/16711461/ http://Chuge.deviantart.com/journal/16711461/ Sun, 03 Feb 2008 17:26:39 PST I will be here less often now...
..I think that the school has recently blocked this website...
I am truly grateful for meeting more open-minded Beings...
if only I could meet them in real life....
here is a journal entry by DistortedEternity about Sweatshop labor...

[link]

...as for FAF........there are only about three Family members...who still seem to write anything at all....
many others have faded away, or just....grew more distant...

well, I found out that I have four brothers, from my father's side...two are out of state, I'm not sure if I've ever met them or not...though I recently met the other two, one who I met many years ago...
and my father's currently in the hospital...I hope that he will be okay...
..he spoke to many stores, and told them about Ravens....so they'll look into finding more that has Ravens....he bought me a Raven Pentacle with a Crescent Moon....made from Mahogany...
I'll submit a picture when I have time to...

I don't know when I'll be online again....hopefully soon though...
...I honestly do not believe in technology, society, or civilization....
..but at this time, I don't have much of a choice...
and I do not wish to leave any of my loved ones...

]]> ~Chuge http://Chuge.deviantart.com/journal/16374914/ http://Chuge.deviantart.com/journal/16374914/ Sat, 12 Jan 2008 15:56:06 PST Often, the quiet and contemplative demeanor is misunderstood. It doesn't mean that there are twisted thoughts going on inside their heads or that they're planning their next violent or magickal attack. There are no dangerous or threatening thoughts running through their minds; they are simply absorbing information and experiences, processing it on various levels. Goths are, in fact, some of the kindest, most honest, and most open-minded people anyone will ever meet-darksiders are just a bit more willing to embrace depression and introspection.
Sometimes, Goths and other introverted people become more reserved because of society's reaction to their alternative appearance or mindset. The general public in smaller towns isn't as used to seeing a visually eccentric person as it is in large cities. Reactions will also differ in predominantly Christian areas versus liberal or artistic areas. When people are condescended to or discriminated against for their appearance, it can force them to become more withdrawn or antisocial, which can lead them to either dress up more or put a halt to decorating themselves all together. Fear of oppression-even simply in the form of being stared at and judged-can be intense and saddening. It can lead to depression, insecurity, social anxiety, and various neuroses, depending on the person...."

]]> ~Chuge http://Chuge.deviantart.com/journal/16238965/ http://Chuge.deviantart.com/journal/16238965/ Thu, 03 Jan 2008 11:44:13 PST I haven't written anything in...ages...or so it seems...
...well, it was....a few days ago, I stayed at my Father's house for a few days...
He brought me to New Paltz...
...and he bought the necklace of the Raven with a Pentagram....
...also, two Healing Pyramids, and two more Healing Stones....
I should be seeing him more often now...
...today, is just....a long, confusing day...
I mean...I never feel alive, but today...I feel like...I'm almost blacking everything out...
...everyone and everything...just passes by...I'm actually in the computer lab, after school....it's filled with people, talking....
...but I can only hear...the Silence in between their words....
I feel so alone...
..I don't know why...
and I'm worried about certain loved ones....
...Jaire...
and Thorn, he still hasn't been online!.......
..and I also worry about Everyone....Everyone who is...Alone...Imprisoned....Taunted...Hurt....
well, I wish that I wouldn't be....too...anxious?...afraid, of..humans?...
..to take pictures near the school...because today, two beautiful Ravens....right in a tree, very close....
...I want to write so deeply, but I can't seem to write at all....
..I feel so...depressed, just....like....*sigh*
I was fine, with my Father....
....although, there is no internet there....
Jaire thinks that I am..."fake"....
....he doesn't believe me.....
but I do care........
.....and it hurts so much......
I...want to help him........
...but it feels like......he...just....he's so ...mad at me...
...he thinks that....I hate him....
but I would never hate him...
he is...my dear Brother....I Love him, just as I do for Everyone in this Family, and Everyone who Understands....
.....sometimes.......I really do miss the Past.........
and recently, in my Dream.....
Rusty/FireStar was in my Dream.....
he was killed by a Bobcat, and I don't blame the Bobcat....but I miss the cats that he/she killed....
well....I don't know what to do anymore....where to go....or who I even am....I don't know anything....and it's tearing me apart....
Everyone's misery....it's..agonizing...

I'm sorry, Jaire....for anything that I've done wrong......
...I'm sorry for everything, for all this misery.....
*falls to knees*
..and to even have the knowledge....that an innocent, loving Being....is crying desperately at this very moment.......
it's just....unbearable....
...I Hate those who taunt others for simply being different....why would someone attack another, if they've done nothing wrong?....
...all they've ever done was sit there all alone, desperate to find someone who understands them...and what do they get in return?....
I hate the way society works....
it's all so cruel and painful....
...and if it wasn't for humans....
think about how beautiful this Earth would be....
how peaceful, and with love, compassion.....
no technology, no hatred.....
no pain or sorrow....everyone would be happy, free......
..why can't I write anything?...
I miss writing....it feels like...centuries since I've written...it feels like centuries..........since............
*sighs*

]]> ~Chuge http://Chuge.deviantart.com/journal/16025464/ http://Chuge.deviantart.com/journal/16025464/ Fri, 21 Dec 2007 07:51:29 PST I still haven't been able to go online, other than this site...
...hoping, desperately that the internet will work when I go to my sister's father's house....
I'm trying to learn more about these Druid Animal Oracle cards....
...I have a book that explains how to do the readings...
....and I haven't spoken to Thorn in the longest time....
I'm also hoping to speak with Drew, and I'd like to see HWF....
...and everyone else as well, but those ones I'm worried about....
well, the Gaelic name of the Raven, is Bran...
...and I haven't been able to write so often, I try....
...why is it so hard to write?...
Forcing myself to try writing, only makes it even harder....
this world....is a confusing place....
..and there has been something about the Sea, the Ocean....there still is....pulling me...into it's neverending abyss....
I used to have dreams about the Sea....
and I stopped fighting the Sea, to become One....
...so that whatever happens, is meant to happen....
become One with the Current....don't fight it....
either way will lead to pain, and pain leads to freedom, pain creates a cure.....sorrow is needed for happiness, just as darkness is needed for light.....
well, I don't know what will happen with the internet.....
but I really Need to talk to certain Loved Ones....
this desperation.....*sigh*
.....I hope that everyone's okay....

]]> ~Chuge http://Chuge.deviantart.com/journal/15997872/ http://Chuge.deviantart.com/journal/15997872/ Wed, 19 Dec 2007 09:03:22 PST ..and last week, the internet at my sister's father's house wasn't working...
I've been so desperate, and hope to get online later today...
currently, I'm in school, in the art class...
well, I hope that everyone's okay...
and the main reason, I've wanted to be online today was to say Happy Birthday to Lucas/ Chaos....
I miss everyone so very much....
and Happy Birthday, Lucas!!!
^_^

...and, soon I'll see my Father...
I'd also like to say Happy Birthday to him, which was December 12....
he's out of prison, and off parole....
..so I'll see him soon..

]]> ~Chuge http://Chuge.deviantart.com/journal/15804819/ http://Chuge.deviantart.com/journal/15804819/ Wed, 05 Dec 2007 09:21:43 PST The Silence, it is so beautiful, so peaceful.....
yet it's so empty, cold, and painful....
if nobody ever spoke to me, I wouldn't have a reason to speak....
...I would probably become a mute....
like those Monks, the ones who, they can speak....but they aren't supposed to, and throughout their entire life, as a Monk, they do not speak....
they must feel so...isolated and detached.....
but their thoughts are so positive....
I admire them....
well, in school....when people do approach me, which doesn't happen often....
they really....make me feel so.....
...I'm not used to talking, it's not that I don't want to talk...
well, that depends on who is approaching me as well.....
the ones after school.....I really don't like them, all the questions they ask, and their ignorance......
they always talk, so they're used to it....
and I feel like, I don't deserve to meet anyone....
the one person I do know....
even she feels distant, just like the Earth feels distant.....
everything does....
...well, when I have more time...
I'll submit something I read in a book a few months ago....
about the Ravens, about all Ravens, according to the Native American and Spiritual Beliefs....
"Silence is the key..."
I miss the darkness that I used to bow down to.....
although....that was when so much was beginning to change....
and now, the darkness....
...feels distant?.....
*sighs*
...and at one time, I did have symptoms of Schizophrenia....
but not anymore, so how am I Schizoeffective?....
...they said they can't change the diagnosis until two years pass.....
but I won't be seeing the counselors anymore, and I haven't in a while....although there may be a meeting coming up soon.....
about leaving that "treatment"....
my case manager....
she seems.....different....
well, I guess it just feels....strange, to be....someone's....job?....
I say so much online....and to my loved ones online....I probably say everything here....almost....
yet, in reality....I don't say anything....to anyone....
it's...confusing?.....

]]> ~Chuge http://Chuge.deviantart.com/journal/15791308/ http://Chuge.deviantart.com/journal/15791308/ Tue, 04 Dec 2007 10:06:36 PST .....which feels...kind of strange, because I let someone read one of my poems to everyone...last week...
I saw five Ravens today...
I hope to meet their eyes someday...
honestly, I don't even know all of their names....
I only know some of them...
then there's the Wolf, Kusari and the Firefly, Enoki....
I haven't really felt like writing in a while, even if I want to...
sometimes I just force myself to...
...still waiting for the day that I meet all of my loved ones....
well, here's a poem that I found....about the Ravens....

The Raven

I am Raven
I am in you
I am part of you
I am around you
I have hid you in my shadow
I have lifted you on my wings
In my feathers, your spirit found refuge
Above the fray I carried you
As your spirit animal, I guide you
I impart my gifts to you:
Strength to endure
Wisdom to choose life
Courage to survive
You hear my song in the sky even today
You wonder why your heart understands
It is because I have spoken to you before
In the night long ago
My shrill cry drew you from that dark place
I became joined to you in that moment
We are bonded in spirit
That is why I have always come to you
That is why even now you understand my voice
A symbol of death I am to many
In some legends, I am said to be "creator"
For you, I am life
It is my nature to survive
So it is also yours
We are kindred souls
I am still with you
Look for me
Listen to me
I am the echo of your heart
I give your spirit vision
You heard me today
Accept me...Embrace me
I am Raven
~copyright Skye D. 1/2000

]]> ~Chuge http://Chuge.deviantart.com/journal/15777155/ http://Chuge.deviantart.com/journal/15777155/ Mon, 03 Dec 2007 09:57:17 PST Drew is no longer in the hospital, and something he said really hurt me....he also hurt some Family members....
that's all I'm going to say here....
Many times, I have seen eight Ravens, sometimes five....
but I haven't seen them all in a while....
okay, I don't even know what I'm talking about....
but I'm hoping all of the Great Spirits are still alive.....
*sighs*
I feel like I need to write a poem, but at the same time....
I just can't....
I'm sorry....
my poems....they aren't even poetry....
all of the poems I've seen, mine are completely different.....
...so what have I written?.....
are any of my writings even worth reading?.....
Everyone still feels distant....
and according to one of my poems....
before I was detached....in that poem, I wanted the detchment....
now I live with it.....
and I....seem to hate it, while I know that I can't survive without it.....
I still remember....the day Serabi met my eyes....
those Ravens are so beautiful.....
even they....feel distant.....

]]> ~Chuge http://Chuge.deviantart.com/journal/15690986/ http://Chuge.deviantart.com/journal/15690986/ Tue, 27 Nov 2007 09:22:39 PST and I can't go to the gaia site, because it's locked again.....
*sighs*
Thank you, all of you so much, for your help....
I truly am grateful....
Well, I'm trying to write another poem about those hospitals.....
Hopefully I'll be able to finish it....
and I'm hoping to make it long.....
Everyday, I still see the Ravens....
they are all so beautiful....
I miss....when they used to feel....so much closer....
when I met....the hopeful, desperate, silver-blue eyes of Serabi.....
my dreams are slowly returning again.....
I'm beginning to remember pieces of them.....
but not how they used to be....
it will take time.....
many of my loved ones.....it feels like....we barely ever even talk to each other.....we used to talk more often, and have conversations.....
but that seems to change over time....
it's almost like.....we're losing each other, somehow.....
I hope that doesn't happen....
I'm still worried about Thorn.....
and I do worry about Drew.....
and HWF.....
Milo.....
well....I worry....about everyone......
the animals......and Mother Earth.......
I do believe in God.....and I know....that he doesn't want this world to be in so much pain....even God can cry......and he does cry......
it's strange.....that I'm so....different from everyone in my family.....
I'm the opposite of all of them.....
I think.......
all of the ones that I know at least.......
especially my mother.....
*sigh*
If only I could meet someone nearby....
someone Spiritual, like....a Native American, a Zen Monk.......any of them, even a Pagan......if only I could speak to them......
and I know I'll never be able to if I don't start trying.....and I need to start soon......
honestly, it may be just a little easier, if I wasn't living with my mother.......
....and if I don't reply to a message.....it's not that I don't want to reply or anything....it's just that......I honestly don't know what to say......or it may feel like I've replied to the same thing too many times, and it feels.....awkward?.......

]]> ~Chuge http://Chuge.deviantart.com/journal/15676876/ http://Chuge.deviantart.com/journal/15676876/ Mon, 26 Nov 2007 09:44:59 PST I'm not sure about Milo, still worry about Thorn, and Drew hasn't been online in a while.....
Today, I almost passed out in my art class.....I really don't know why, but I suddenly felt overheated.....this is the third time, although the other two times were months ago.....
I already feel unreal, and when I almost passed out.....my entire existance felt so false.....everything just faded, I couldn't hear or see anything......
I haven't been writing lately, but I feel desperate to.....
Honestly, I don't even know what to write about.....
It's strange, but suddenly....the gaia site works from my school, and myspace does as well....they used to be locked....
but I think that, for some reason, they unlocked all of the sites.....
*sighs*

]]> ~Chuge http://Chuge.deviantart.com/journal/15574781/ http://Chuge.deviantart.com/journal/15574781/ Mon, 19 Nov 2007 10:13:06 PST Honestly, it's like...it never even happened....
...and many of the ones I used to talk with....I haven't spoken to them.....in months, mabye even a year now....
I....don't want to lose HWF....to be honest, the reason I started reading old comments.....was him....
I just.....wanted to remember more of everything he said to me.....
even before he said he was going to kill himself, this time.....we barely ever talk.....
I guess....there just isn't much to say.....
....everything changed, so much.....in only.....mabye two years, the past two years......so much has been changing......
I don't know what happened to me.....but I still remember, the way I used to be....
...the way....that Shade wanted me to be......
when I always role played for Warriors, the cat book.....
it was different then.....
....I was cutting before I even knew that others felt the same feelings, the same pain and sorrow......
....and I was cutting when I met Lucas......
and Emilee......they were the first ones I met.....the first ones....who understood......
then there was HWF......
and of course, many others....who are no longer here......
it's been so long, so much time has passed......
I used to feel...alive.....until, the hospital......mabye it started on the ambulance, that didn't even feel real......
but....I don't know what happened, it's like I'm living in a black out, my mind is so blank.....
is there any explanation?......
-sighs-
I miss everyone so much.....I...miss the past.........but these experiances.....they changed my life so much...........
HWF....in many messages, when he came back the first time......he promised to stay......
he helped me so much......and I'll always remember him......
but I hope....that he's still alive.....he even spoke about.....when we all meet each other.....some day.......
if he kills himself........we'll never see him......
I guess.......that not everyone will be there, on that day......but their memory will still be there, we'll always have the memory........
at least that's something to hold onto......
and...it's better than....nothing.......
*stares deeply through through the sorrowful skies with neverending tears*

]]> ~Chuge http://Chuge.deviantart.com/journal/15518374/ http://Chuge.deviantart.com/journal/15518374/ Thu, 15 Nov 2007 09:24:09 PST It was November 15th, 2006 when I ranaway, not long after school that day.....
and that's the day I met MorningStar RainDance.....she is so peaceful and Earth-loving.....
they brought me on an ambulance to a regular hospital, that also had a psychiatric part....but I couldn't go there, because I didn't have insurance.....
and I chose to go to a hospital, because I didn't want to go back to my mother's house....so I had to stay in that hospital for two days, then on the 17th, they brought me to Rockland Children's Psychiatric Center......
which was actually the worst place I had ever been.....
so I was there for five months and two days......
it was all so agonizing, for everyone who was there.....
and I'm sure it hasn't changed, if it has....then it is only for the worst......that's all it ever does there, it keeps getting worse for the "patients".....
It was the 15th that I had began to detach myself, and I honestly don't know how I've became so detached....
the ambulance, everything....it all felt so unreal.....
the only time I felt alive that day, was when I actually ran (I never run)....I ran in the woods.....and I lost my anxiety for that one day, well not completely.....
I can't believe it's been so long now.....at the same time, it feels like that happened centuries ago.....then again, that's how everything feels with so much detachment.....
Today, I wanted to try to write a very profound and long poem about the ones with these deep thoughts, the stronger ones, and the lost ones....the ones that I've been searching for, and I have found a few of them online.....

I'm still overly worried and it's really killing me, so I have been cutting.....I don't mean to cause pain, but please don't worry about me.....the ones who need help and love are HWF and Milo........
if they're even still alive, God I truly Hope they are...........
I need to get to those sites, I am so very desperate to speak with them........I don't want them to fade away, it will only hurt our Family so much.......
I would think that HWF wouldn't want to kill himself....after what happened long ago....he knows how much it hurt us......
and he told us that he would stay......
I'm just so worried about the both of them......

]]> ~Chuge http://Chuge.deviantart.com/journal/15490842/ http://Chuge.deviantart.com/journal/15490842/ Tue, 13 Nov 2007 09:31:51 PST I cut myself before I even found out about them being suicidal.....
I'm sorry.....
Sunday night.....
I was on Gaia, talking to a Dear Brother, Armagedden, and he kept talking about his hands shaking......they wouldn't stop, so he wanted to cut....but I didn't want him to cut.....
and another Dear Brother, Straight Edge Loner came....a few minutes after that Armagedden said things like "why is everything so red"
and I asked if he cut, but he suddenly changed.......
and the things he said,......weren't like him, he was never like that before.......
and he hurt Straight Edge Loner, so he also had to cut himself.....
and I felt so guilty, I didn't know why Armagedden was acting like that, until he sent a message later that day.....
it was about the voices that he hears.....
they came out and took control of him, he honestly didn't mean to hurt Straight Edge Loner.....
I felt terrible after that happened.....and the next day, I found out that HWF, a Brother we've known for so long.....he's suicidal now.....once again.......
and I pray to God and all Great Spirits that he will be okay, and still survive.......
and I found out about Milo, on myspace, who is also suicidal.......he lost everything he every loved, everyone dies around him......
I'm not sure if he's still alive, it said he wasn't on since the 9th.....
and I can't go to any of those sites, this is the school computer.....
my mother's internet isn't working, so I may not talk to them for a few days, unless we go somewhere with internet........
I'm so worried about them, I Love them all so very much, and I truly do care for everyone who feels such pain, so much sadness......everone who truly understands.......
*cries eternally*
If HWF does kill himself, it feels like.....this Family is all falling apart......
I don't really know much about Milo, only from the journals that I've read......but I don't want to lose him either.......

]]> ~Chuge http://Chuge.deviantart.com/journal/15328651/ http://Chuge.deviantart.com/journal/15328651/ Fri, 02 Nov 2007 09:07:13 PDT Those are the ones that I would like to meet, although there aren't very many of them....
Why can't I approach them, why is this all so difficult?...
Instead of going towards them, I only walk the other way, hoping they may notice me....
most of the time, they don't...
...but when they do....I feel terrible, I don't even know what to do, or say....I'm not used to talking, nobody ever talks to me, and it feels....awkward.....
then I feel guilty when they all just leave me alone, the way I remain....
it's my own fault that I can't meet anyone, and if I don't start talking soon, I'll never be able to....because I'm only sinking deeper, it's only getting worse....
I'm isolating myself, as if my confinement isn't enough.....
This is only adding onto my un-liveliness....how will I ever be able to feel alive, if I can't even move near people without a reason to....
sometimes, I am able to force myself to walk away when people seem too close....other times, I just can't move at all....and I feel crowded when a lot of them are near me.........
Is there any way to get out of this?....to be free from this?.....
Even in Woodstock, certain people stare at me, the ones in stores might say "hi".....but when I don't reply, I feel so timid, and I feel like.....they might think I'm doing something, like stealing, which I would never do......
Well, if my mother gives custody to my aunt....I will be able to live there.....hopefully she will.....
and if she does, it will be much better, although my aunt might not let me online as often......possibly on school days, and even on weekends it would be for one hour.....

To be honest, no matter how desperate I am to meet people who are near me.....it's not that important....because I already have Loved ones, FAF......
even if they are a few years away.....
I just hope....that every one of them will Survive, and one day all of us will meet.......
although......some Loved ones are suicidal......I don't want to lose any of them................

]]> ~Chuge http://Chuge.deviantart.com/journal/15298985/ http://Chuge.deviantart.com/journal/15298985/ Wed, 31 Oct 2007 09:07:57 PDT I don't think he wants me to tell anyone about it though, and that I can understand.....
I'm not going to say anything more about it....
but I am going to help him.....as much as I possible can.....
Honestly, I'm worried about some of my Family members.....
Drew is one of them....and also Armagedden.....I'm very worried about Anathema, my dear Sister and her friend......
I don't know much about Joints, but I don't think he likes me......

...and I recently found Raizohn's/Justin's e-mail address....so I sent him something.....but he hasn't replied............I miss him.........he is the one who named our Family......
If only I knew what happened to him.....
I haven't spoken to him since...........I think it was when I went to the hospital............
that was......almost a year ago.......

Well, in school....every time that I stay after, these people approach me....I don't know why they do it every Tuesday and Thursday.....and they ask so many questions........
I wish to meet ones who understand.....but could any of them be nearby?.....
The closest Brother I've met is Straight Edge Loner....he lives right in the city, about an hour away....
and if I can go to my aunt's house, I may be able to see him.....
he's similar to me.....in many ways.....

It feels like...the Ravens are trying to say something....something important....if only I hadn't been detached from Nature and Reality....mabye I would be able to help them.....
I need to find myself again, the hospital destroyed me.....
and I'm still detached..........

That's really all I can remember right now....
I hope that everyone will be okay.....and one day to be Together, Forever..........

]]> ~Chuge http://Chuge.deviantart.com/journal/15213228/ http://Chuge.deviantart.com/journal/15213228/ Thu, 25 Oct 2007 09:05:37 PDT I'll start typing them today, and possibly submit both of them tomorrow....

and I have a dear Sister, Anathema6205....
she needs all the help she could possibly get right now...
if anyone would be so kind to help her, I would be truly grateful...
I'm not going to give away her personal information....
but I honestly don't know how I can help her, in the painful position she currently is in....

as for living with my mother....I'm not going to any of those places....because...my mother is actually right about something....
I can't let those doctors control me....I can't let them choose for me....
and it's kind of obvious, that they want me in one of those places....
I haven't been taking the medication, so I can't go anywhere unless the doctor allows me to get off medication....
nobody knows I haven't been taking it....and I'm not going to...

I was actually thinking about asking my aunt if I could live with her....I don't need the counseling....it's not like they can take the pain away from all the ones I love....I just....don't know what to do....
and the Training for a Hotline in Woodstock....I missed too many days, because it's too hard to get there....so I can try again in six months.....

]]> ~Chuge http://Chuge.deviantart.com/journal/15213124/ http://Chuge.deviantart.com/journal/15213124/ Thu, 25 Oct 2007 08:54:29 PDT
]]> ~Chuge http://Chuge.deviantart.com/journal/15185478/ http://Chuge.deviantart.com/journal/15185478/ Tue, 23 Oct 2007 09:35:41 PDT It's so painful for him...he doesn't think that he has a choice.....but....if only someone was there to show him that he does have a choice.....and that he is loved....
One day....I'd like to go to the Ghettos....just to see what it's like there....and to show those people....that they don't have to live in so much pain....they can be free....
I wrote a poem for them, dedicated to those living in the Ghettos and/or a Cult....it's not a very well-written poem, I will keep on trying until I get a better one....but I'll submit that one...mabye tomorrow....I actually wrote a poem today, my second one for this month....I wish I could write more often....but sometimes...I just can't....and I also wish to improve my writings....
I haven't spoken to the other one who lives in a Ghetto, I hope he's okay...and that he'll reply soon......
I wanted to thank everyone for helping....I truly am grateful...
and for those who recently joined the Family, here is the website....

[link]

]]> ~Chuge http://Chuge.deviantart.com/journal/15170504/ http://Chuge.deviantart.com/journal/15170504/ Mon, 22 Oct 2007 09:20:54 PDT Last night, I was talking to one of them…and he was so prepared to die….none of my other Family members were online, so they couldn’t help….and I had to get offline….so I don’t know if he’s still alive….but…I just…hope he’s okay….he I’m so worried about him….he had a gun with him….and he said he couldn’t wait any longer….it just….hurts so much…..I can’t take it anymore…..it’s….too much………I can’t stop crying…..
As for the other one….I tried to give him hope….about two days ago….but he never had anyone to show him that there is hope….and he didn’t seem to believe in it…..then he went to talk to someone else….but another person came and taunted him, and he left….I felt terrible, and I also left…but then I went back and spoke to the one that taunted him….somehow, I made that person feel so sorry….I explained how much it hurt…..and he felt guilty…..so he didn’t mean what he said….sometimes I wonder if others just knew how much pain we feel, even if they never felt it….they may realize that it isn’t right to hurt others…..and they could have been in this place….
I don’t know what to do anymore….but this morning, I did cut my shoulder….I’m really sorry…..It’s just….too much….I miss cutting….but I have to survive…..because…..I can’t leave anyone behind…..I love everyone who understands…..I truly do…..I need them….all of you…….I just feel terrible when I can’t save someone…….why…must they all fade away from existence?…why must they feel so much misery that they have thoughts of death?……….it’s all just so painful…..I can’t even write poetry, I feel…too depressed to write…..It’s hard enough to believe I actually managed to write this…..
By the way, my "Mood" is not distracted....it just says the server isn't working.....

]]> ~Chuge http://Chuge.deviantart.com/journal/15026771/ http://Chuge.deviantart.com/journal/15026771/ Fri, 12 Oct 2007 09:26:45 PDT We also have a new kitten....but I almost cried to see the tears in his eyes, and when he goes outside, he looks around and meows...searching for his family and mother...I know he misses them...
he was found at a farm, just like the two older black cats...
and I'm not going to midway because they'll keep me on medication...so we're looking into a Hamptonburgh or Albany place, Hamptonburgh is about an hour away...
yesterday wasn't so great, after school, but it isn't important...
I Hate people who judge others, for feeling pain and sorrow, for feeling "weaker" or hurt...they called me Emo and assumed that I cut my wrists, they are so ignorant and wrong...
Well, if anyone ever needs help or wishes to help others, the FAF site is here:
[link]
All who understand are more than welcome to join, those who harm others will be banned!...
In a few weeks, mabye less, I might start typing my story about a Slave girl...it's Fantasy...
Here's a very true song by Incubus...

"Dig"

We all have a weakness
But some of ours are easier to identify.
Look me in the eye
And ask for forgiveness;
We'll make a pact to never speak that word again
Yes you are my friend.
We all have something that digs at us,
At least we dig each other
So when weakness turns my ego up
I know you'll count on the me from yesterday
If I turn into another
Dig me up from under what is covering
The better part of me
Sing this song
Remind me that we'll always have each other
When everything else is gone.
We all have a sickness
That cleverly attaches and multiplies
No matter how hard we try.
We all have someone that digs at us,
At least we dig each other
So when sickness turns my ego up
I know you'll act as a clever medicine.
If I turn into another
Dig me up from under what is covering
The better part of me.
Sing this song!
Remind me that we'll always have each other
When everything else is gone.
Oh each other....
When everything
Else is gone.

]]> ~Chuge http://Chuge.deviantart.com/journal/14982832/ http://Chuge.deviantart.com/journal/14982832/ Tue, 09 Oct 2007 09:19:49 PDT it's just too much, and it doesn't make sense...they just want profit, the FDA chooses not to approve Herbs or anything, unless it's a man-made, animal tested drug....
...they told me that if I don't take the medication, it means that my mother is refusing treatment for me....although, in the beginning, all of this was a choice...how could I let them talk me into their artificial drugs?...they've been acting like it's still a choice, until now...
I haven't been taking it, and I'm not going to anymore...I can't...
I know about natural healing, and I know that I'm not schizo-effective....
To be honest, there was a time when I felt like I should have been in the place of animals, or should have been there to save them....I felt like it was my fault, and I noticed that too many were dying all around me....
mabye I was schizo-effective them, but I'm not now...nor will I be....my thoughts are too profound, and nothing, no drug can take them away from me...they are my life, no matter how desperate I am to feel Alive, my thoughts are everything to me, I can't release them....
I still have the desire to see an Earth who smiles with glee, a beautiful world without the technology and destruction of man....
and I still believe that that world will one day return...
but my thoughts have deepened.....and I understand much more than I did at one time before...
they are continuing to grow deeper, and I do know that they are taking my life away, because I can't seem to feel the physical world...
that's only because I do not seek or wish for control, which I must learn to do...to control my thoughts, myself...why am I letting my mind rule over my body?...In time, I'm sure to learn how to control myself, and break free of this prison...
Hopefully soon, I may meet someone who understands...when I go to work at a Hotline for ones who need help or support...in the Family of Woodstock building...once a week...I can meet the ones I work with there...but the ones who call are anonymous...I hope that I'll be able to help them.....
and a beautiful cat that came to our house...a few weeks ago...has been put to sleep now....
she has luekemia...she could barely walk, and kept on falling...so that leaves three out of seven cats now....-cries-

]]> ~Chuge http://Chuge.deviantart.com/journal/14867861/ http://Chuge.deviantart.com/journal/14867861/ Mon, 01 Oct 2007 09:08:47 PDT It's not that hard to live with my mother....and I can't take the pain of being away from my loved ones....I need to always be in contact with them somehow...and my mother allows me to go to see the animals across the street now....even if Debbie isn't there...
I'm so confused, and I don't know what to do anymore..... I really just don't know....
Why can't I just live with my mother and when I need time alone, go to Family House for another month?
I also met someone in my school, that makes two there...and two at Family House...they joined FAF...
I know four Beings who currently are not geographically distant....I don't need more, even if I really want them...it doesn't matter, because what's important to me is the ones that I already have...it doesn't matter that they are distant or that I can't see them for a while...they are still here, and we'll always be together...
even the ones who have been lost are still here...like Raizohn....the one who named our Family.....
Please if you could, reply to this...and tell me that I am making the right choice...should I stay with my mother or go to Midway?....

]]> ~Chuge http://Chuge.deviantart.com/journal/14797584/ http://Chuge.deviantart.com/journal/14797584/ Wed, 26 Sep 2007 09:01:43 PDT Family house is very helpful...
I also bought a Medicine bag, four Healing Stones for loss and greif...
and I finished writing a poem that puts myself in the place of an animal...I'll type that when I'm able to, although it may not be for a while...
Lucas made a great site for all members of FAF...
[link]
If you need any help or wish to help others, you may join...anyone who does not follow the simple rules will be banned, for the sake of ones who actually need help.
This is the only site that works from my school....and Family House doesn't have the internet...
I still remember all of my loved ones, including those I have not spoken to in so long....like Program, Farah, cryingforsalvation, drako059, Kuroinami....and I miss you all so very much....

]]> ~Chuge http://Chuge.deviantart.com/journal/13923313/ http://Chuge.deviantart.com/journal/13923313/ Sun, 29 Jul 2007 05:43:10 PDT I also met more beings who feel hurt on Gaia....
my account there is
[link]
Well, one day I hope everyone won't feel so distant....
That's all for now, I'm sorry...

]]> ~Chuge http://Chuge.deviantart.com/journal/13760186/ http://Chuge.deviantart.com/journal/13760186/ Mon, 16 Jul 2007 17:33:23 PDT Finally the third day being free of Wellbutrin...
I gave the counselor many lists of herbs that she copied for the doctor...
Soon school will return, whichj will be much better...(excluding the many humans and loudness, confusion...)
and my case manager is still working on me living with my father...
my mother thinks he'll just go back to prison, but I know he won't...
Well, I have to go now...
as for FAF....STAND STRONG TOGETHER, AND WE WON'T EVER PART!!! We are One...........

]]> ~Chuge http://Chuge.deviantart.com/journal/13698600/ http://Chuge.deviantart.com/journal/13698600/ Wed, 11 Jul 2007 17:29:34 PDT [link]
I still miss all of my loved ones...so much, more than ever...and that pierces my heart deeply....everyone is so distant if not already gone.....well.....I still am learning how to feel alive, how to awaken and See...

I have no time left, forgive me, and farewell...all has been forgotten...
I love you so much dear sister Tsuki, along with all of my loved ones, and FAF....
Raizohn...remains a memory who will always be remembered....along..with many others.......

]]> ~Chuge http://Chuge.deviantart.com/journal/13496405/ http://Chuge.deviantart.com/journal/13496405/ Tue, 26 Jun 2007 09:06:26 PDT So on Thursday, my case manager brought me to Woodstock…we told my mother we went to Uptown Kingston… Neither of us like to lie, but it worked..
We walked around Woodstock…(Spirituality everywhere, and Peace!!)
And in a Native American Trading Post, I met an amazing Being with the same name as me…
She gave me a Raven Healing Stone for free…and the Stone has blue eyes, just like Serabi!!!..
We also went to do a Tarot reading, and we had three of the same cards saying that she (my case manager) will be the one to guide me through this…
My final card was something with a Knight…and since the Horses legs were in the air, I will get through this…not being rooted to the ground…
The reading showed very much mental and emotional pain, along with much love and hope…
It showed that I must change, and in the book it said I need to change…along with the quotes that “ if we wish to save the world, we must first change our thinking”
Yes, Earth is already dying, but there is hope, and I have many beliefs…
By the way, wellbutrin was decreased, soon to be gone!!…
my father said everything will work out...I'm not allowed to talk to him, but I did with my case manager...I believe now, in everything...my thinking has to change, and I need to stop with these songs that only pull me beneath the surface...so music has to go, unless it's New Age or Meditation...or Hopeful...-sigh-

]]> ~Chuge http://Chuge.deviantart.com/journal/13421047/ http://Chuge.deviantart.com/journal/13421047/ Wed, 20 Jun 2007 15:00:32 PDT I don't really know how to, but I need to stop thinking so negative...the Earth won't live for much longer, and she deserves to be free from this misery that humans have inflicted upon her numerous times, every single day...
I need to belive in this world, and teach myself how to feel alive, by doing things that living creatures do...
it isn't hard to do, in three months I'll be away from my mother, and free...
Suicide is selfish and pointless, I don't understand why I still think about it...I'll say the same about cutting, and the same for drugs and even tattoos...unless there is a meaning (an Indian making a tattoo of a powerful spirit-example)
Well, it isn't so hard to be alone, it's much better than being with almost everyone in this world.
The ignorant, heartless beings...
To be honest, I don't even know what I'm writing, but one day I'll be free from this medication, and it'll be much better...
I pray for the ones who have been lost, and for the ones who never had the chance to realize that suicide is painful to all surrounding them...along with the neglected animals, humans included, the starving and abandoned ones, the lost ones....one day, everyone will be free...
I still believe...and I always will...
and here is a song by Phil Collins...

Colours

Deep inside the border
Children are crying
Fighting for food
Holding their heads
Breaking their bread with a stone

All along the roadside
people are standing
watching the sun
shielding their eyes
Brushing the flies from their face

Tell me, what can you say
Tell me, who do you blame
Like a mirror you see yourself
These people each have a name

All around the township
Young men are dying
(of) hunger and thirst
The well has run dry
The tears from her eye feeds her son

Tell me...

You can say you're pulling back
We see the pictures everywhere
But what we don't see is what's
Going on behind the closed doors
And you don't seem to care

Do you expect me to believe you
How can you really think
You can take your horse down to the water
Hold a gun at his head
And make him drink

No matter what you say, it never gets any better
No matter what you do, we never see any change

People living without rights
Without their dignity
How loud does one man have to shout
To earn his right to be free

You can keep your toy soldiers
To segregate the black and white
But when the dust settles
And the blood stops running
How do you sleep at night?

No matter what you say...

What makes you so high and mighty
What makes you so qualified
You can sit there and say
How many have their freedom
But how many more have died

You decide to sit in judgement
Trying to play God yourself
Someday soon the buck is gonna stop
Stop with you and noone else

No matter...

]]> ~Chuge