http://search.deviantart.com/?q=by:CilliansChainsaw&section=today deviantART RSS for by:CilliansChainsaw en-us Copyright 2009, deviantART.com Sun, 06 Dec 2009 05:20:19 PST deviantART.com http://blogs.law.harvard.edu/tech/rss http://s.deviantart.com/minish/widgets/apple-touch-icon-precomposed.png http://CilliansChainsaw.deviantart.com/journal/24149144/ http://CilliansChainsaw.deviantart.com/journal/24149144/ Thu, 09 Apr 2009 15:12:55 PDT
Last reminder.

Future art can be found here:



]]> ~CilliansChainsaw http://CilliansChainsaw.deviantart.com/journal/23152190/ http://CilliansChainsaw.deviantart.com/journal/23152190/ Thu, 12 Feb 2009 08:10:47 PST
Good times, good times.

Well, since the MSPaint bug has not bitten me in a while [goddamn, it takes a long time to do ANYTHING in the program, y'know?], this account is going to be pretty much frozen... kind-of like the employment opportunities at the local supermarket.

Good thing for me, I can't really get a job in America...

So it's back to Oz for me.

...Eventually.

I think I'll be taking a road trip soon. Los Angeles looks particularly good, at the moment. I'm thinking of stalking Joseph Gordon-Levitt for the next few months or so.

If I manage to snap any shots, I'll post them. Until then, you're probably going to hear a bit less from me.

I'm not going to be on here as much, since I'm going to dedicate most of my free time to the Dark Knight roleplay I'm doing with .

...Damn, I wish I knew how to do the little deviant names. That would be so much more space-efficient.

I probably misspelled "efficient".

Shameless plug - check out the galleries of:

[my half-sister]
[awesome artist, good friend]
[great artist, awesome friend]
[awesome artist, great friend]
[great artist, and such a sweetheart]

...If I didn't mention someone, I'm sorry, but there are so many great artists out there that it's hard to remember all of your usernames!

Just check out anyone on my Watch list, really. You're all wonderful.

Much love.

- Cillian

]]> ~CilliansChainsaw http://CilliansChainsaw.deviantart.com/journal/22655297/ http://CilliansChainsaw.deviantart.com/journal/22655297/ Sun, 18 Jan 2009 14:45:47 PST Damn, I know that's a quote from somewhere.
There's a little guy, and he goes, "It's done."
And the second guy goes, "What?"
And the first guy says, "It's done. I...
SHA-BAM.
It was Fox and Reece from The Dark Knight.
Boom, baby.
"I checked the numbers. They were solid."
"Well, check 'em again. Wouldn't want the trust fund to run out."
XP

ANYWAYS.

It's done. I've created my own account.

Please go add me over there, if you so please...
It would be much appreciated.
I will be posting my artwork over there in the future... at least, the best of it.
And Cillian... if he ever decides to do more artwork (which I'm sure he will... won't you, Cill?) will post his, here.
-thumbs up-
All right.
We're good to go.

Autobots, transform and roll out!
-zooms-

]]> ~CilliansChainsaw http://CilliansChainsaw.deviantart.com/journal/22615287/ http://CilliansChainsaw.deviantart.com/journal/22615287/ Fri, 16 Jan 2009 13:49:39 PST ...about getting my own account.

You know, a new account. For just my [Hannah's] stuff.

Well, only the stuff I like of mine. And anyone who still watches me actively can switch over to that account. At least it will tell me who likes my artwork and who doesn't, or who doesn't really care anymore.

>.>

I'd also post my film reviews on there, or whatever else it strikes me to post there, really. As well as my artwork, of course... like my comic [attempts] and just random sketches that I like.

Only my best stuff would go there. I'm thinking of posting everything that isn't "my best" on here, still. ...Or should I just post it in Scraps, there?

Cillian says he doesn't care, either way. I think he's just too damn lazy to make up his mind and form an opinion. Which, he's allowed... since he'll probably be leaving America for good sometime soon.

I'll miss you, brudder. But I know you can't stick around being a do-nothing shadow forever.

D:

Anyways, I've been looking through my old stuff on here, and as much as I like this account and can't BELIEVE we almost have 15,000 page-views [you guys who helped us get there are the best!], I've been thinking of getting my own. Mostly because I'd like a career in artwork, and I'd like one of those accounts that's similar to my name, or something that defines ME.

Like... Hannahmation.

Or... Hannah-M.

Or... something like that.

-shrug-

Of course, Cillian would keep posting his artwork here [since it's his account], along with all his random snarky commentary [love ya], even though he hasn't done anything in a while, and... isn't showing any signs of getting up off his lazy ass and doing so. But you never know... the spark of inspiration might strike randomly.

It has a way of doing that.

So...

What do you guys think? Also, any suggestions as to a name for my new account?

]]> ~CilliansChainsaw http://CilliansChainsaw.deviantart.com/journal/21772547/ http://CilliansChainsaw.deviantart.com/journal/21772547/ Mon, 01 Dec 2008 18:30:55 PST I have been insane amounts of busy lately... , if you want to kill me, please, please do it. I have been trying to get your artwork to you, but what with my mother taking away the internet and finals [I just took my college English final today... I think I passed, but we'll just have to see], life has been insane. In fact, I've been in the process of getting ready to move out after Christmas. Don't worry, dear, I swear to whatever gods you and I believe in that I will get you your artwork - ALL of it - before I leave home to set out on my own.

Now, as for this...

This is actually tons of fun... and it lets you get to know things about people that you might not have before.

Level 1
(X) Smoked A Cigarette
( ) Smoked A Cigar
(X) Kissed A Member Of The Same Sex
SO FAR:2

Level 2
(X) Are / Been In Love
(X) Dumped someone
( ) Been Fired
(X) Been In A Fist Fight
SO FAR: 5

Level 3
(X) Had A Crush On An Older Person
(X) Skipped Class
( ) Slept With A Co-worker
(X) Seen Someone / Something Die
SO FAR: 8

Level 4
(X) Had / Have A Crush On One Of Your deviantART / sheezyart Friends
( ) Been To Paris
( ) Been To Spain
(X) Been On A Plane
( ) Thrown Up From Drinking
SO FAR: 10

Level 5
( ) Eaten Sushi
( ) Been Snowboarding
(X) Met Someone Through Internet
(X) Been in a Mosh Pit
SO FAR: 12

Level 6
( ) Been In An Abusive Relationship
(X) Taken Pain Killers
(X) Liked/loved Someone Who You Can't Have
(X) Laid On Your Back And Watched Cloud Shapes Go By
(X) Made A Snow Angel
SO FAR: 16

Level 7
(X) Had A Tea Party
(X) Flown A Kite
(X) Built A Sand Castle
( ) Gone mudding
(X) Played Dress Up
SO FAR: 20

Level 8
(X) Jumped Into A Pile Of Leaves
(X) Gone Sliding
(X) Cheated While Playing A Game
(X) Been Lonely
(X) Fallen Asleep At Work / School
SO far: 25

Level 10
(X) Watched The Sun Set
( ) Felt An Earthquake
(X) Killed A Snake
SO FAR: 27

Level 11
(X) Been Tickled
(X) Been Robbed / Vandalized
(X) Been cheated on
(X) Been Misunderstood
SO FAR: 31

Level 12
(X) Won A Contest
( ) Been Suspended From School
(X) Had Detention
(X) Been In A Car / Motorcycle Accident
SO FAR: 34

Level 13
( ) Had / Have Braces
(X) Eaten a whole pint of ice cream in one night
(X) Danced in the moonlight
SO FAR : 36

Level 14
(X) Hated The Way You Look
(X) Witnessed A Crime
(X) Pole Danced
(X) Questioned Your Heart
(X) Been obsessed with post-it-notes
SO FAR: 41

Level 15
(X) Squished Barefoot Through The Mud
( ) Been To The Opposite Side Of The World
(X) Swam In The Ocean
( ) Felt Like You Were Dying
SO FAR: 43

Level 16
(X) Cried Yourself To Sleep
(X) Played Cops And Robbers
(X) Recently Colored With Crayons / Colored Pencils / Markers
(X) Sang Karaoke
(X) Paid For A Meal With Only Coins
SO FAR: 48

Level 17
(X) Done Something You Told Yourself You Wouldn't
(X) Made Prank Phone Calls
(X) Laughed Until Some Kind Of Beverage Came Out Of Your Nose
( ) Kissed In The Rain
SO FAR: 51

Level 18
(X) Written A Letter To Santa Claus
(X) Watched The Sun Set/ sun rise With Someone You Care/Cared About
(X) Blown Bubbles
(X) Made A Bonfire On The Beach Or Anywhere
SO FAR: 55

Level 19
(X) Crashed A Party
(X) Have Traveled More Than 5 Days With A Car Full Of People
(X) Had A Wish Come True
(X) Been Humped By A Monkey
SO FAR: 59

Level 20
(X) Worn Pearls
(X) Jumped Off A Bridge
(X) Screamed "Penis" or "Vagina"
(X) Swam With Dolphins
SO FAR: 63

Level 21
(X) Got Your Tongue Stuck To A Pole/Freezer/ice Cubes
( ) Kicked A Fish
(X) Worn The Opposite Sex's Clothes
(X) Sat On A Roof Top and watched the stars
SO FAR: 66

Level 22
(X) Screamed At The Top Of Your Lungs
(X) Done / Attempted A One-Handed Cartwheel
(X) Talked On The Phone For More Than 6 Hours
(X) Recently stayed up for a while talking to someone you care about
SO FAR: 70

Level 23
( ) Picked And Ate An Apple Right Off The Tree
(X) Climbed A Tree
(X) Had/Been In A Tree House
(X) Been scared To Watch Scary Movies Alone
SO FAR: 73

Level 24
(X) Believed In Ghosts ~CilliansChainsaw http://CilliansChainsaw.deviantart.com/journal/20857043/ http://CilliansChainsaw.deviantart.com/journal/20857043/ Tue, 04 Nov 2008 09:16:17 PST IMPORTANT NOTICE: WE MADE IT!! THANK YOU ALL FOR YOUR SUPPORT, WHETHER YOU BOUGHT A COMMISSION [OR TWO!], OR JUST SHOWED EMOTIONAL SUPPORT. WE RECEIVED SO MANY NICE LETTERS FROM PEOPLE WHO OPTED TO HELP US OUT, AND I HAVE ALL OF THEM IN A SAFE CHEST. IT MEANS THE WORLD TO US THAT YOU WOULD DO SOMETHING LIKE THIS FOR US, AND YOU ALL ARE APPRECIATED MORE THAN YOU CAN IMAGINE.

For the RL Commissioners that have already dedicated to help us out:

1:. : One Halfbody Sketch:
---FINISHED: PAID: $1O
-----A halfbody sketch of your marionette angel. FINISHED. Not yet scanned.*

2:. : Two Fullbody Sketches:
---FINISHED: NOT PAID: $3O
-----Yaoi. FINISHED. SCANNED. [link]

3:. : Two Halfbody Sketches, One Fullbody Sketch:
---FINISHED: PAID: $4O
-----One Fullbody of Cynthia on her cellular phone with Lisa, giggling. FINISHED. SCANNED. [link]
-----One Halfbody Couple of Pieter flirting with Greit, who does not want the attention. FINISHED. SCANNED. [link]

4:. : Two Fullbody Sketches, One Portrait Sketch, One Quickie [oh bby]:
---FINISHED: PAID: $5O+
-----Halfbody couple of Jack and Ennis getting... naughty. FINISHED. SCANNED. [link]
-----Sketch Portrait of you. FINISHED. SCANNED. [link]
-----Quickie of Ennis x Jack. FINISHED. SCANNED. [link]

5:. : One Halfbody Sketch:
---FINISHED: PAID: $1O
-----Halfbody of Alice from Alice in Wonderland. FINISHED. SCANNED. [link]

6:. : Two Fullbody Sketches:
---ALMOST FINISHED: PAID: $35
-----Mrs. Weasley and Bootstrap Bill lovin' it up at a disco. ALMOST FINISHED.
-----SURPRISE ART for advanced payment. FINISHED. Not yet scanned.*
-----BIRTHDAY ART for your birthday. <3 FINISHED. Not yet scanned.*

7:. : Two Fullbody Sketches:
---FINISHED: PAID: $3O
-----Your two adorable zombie toddlers. FINISHED. SCANNED. [link]

NOTE: ANYTHING THAT IS FINISHED BUT HAS NOT YET BEEN SCANNED I HAVE MARKED WITH A * BECAUSE I HAVE TO WAIT UNTIL MY MOTHER IS OUT OF THE HOUSE TO SCAN IT. I SINCERELY APOLOGIZE TO ANYONE WHOSE ARTWORK IS MARKED WITH A *, AND THANK YOU FOR BEING SO PATIENT.


THUS FAR: $275 / $275

WE MADE IT!! I said that once this was all over and we had all the money we needed, I would do a great big piece of artwork to thank all my wonderful Watchers who helped me out... any ideas?

SUGGESTIONS:

Beer and Chibis
Cognac and Porn

]]> ~CilliansChainsaw http://CilliansChainsaw.deviantart.com/journal/20820857/ http://CilliansChainsaw.deviantart.com/journal/20820857/ Sat, 04 Oct 2008 07:29:37 PDT I know I've mentioned this on many, many occasions, but I think I've finally gotten the motivation - and the pricing - to actually consider doing it for real.

So, as most of you know, Hannah and Cillian are some supah-dupah nifty college kids. We're snazzy and spiffy and all that jazz. The only problem is, my mum [to whom Cillian is not actually related, but she hates his every living fibre... which is probably why he and I get on so well] has gone completely crazy. Anyone who knows us will be able to vouch for this.

You want some horror stories? Ask me about my mother's heyday with my latest sketchbook. R.I.P., sketchbook.

Long story short, we want to move OUT.

And we can't do that without a job.

And that's where the problem lies.

There's a little legal mix-up in one of our records that needs to be cleared up before we can get jobs and move out. And in order for this little legal mix-up to be cleared up, there's a little fee that needs to be paid to the court system for all the stuff we need done to get this taken from said person's record.

Thus far, we have saved up $8O from doing various [legal] odd jobs for people.

We need $275.

That's a $195 difference.

That's a lot.
D:

So I thought, if anyone would like to actually commission me [not Cillian, but me... MSPaint takes WAY too long] to do some artwork to get the money to pay these legal fees, we would be eternally grateful.

So I talked to some mates of mine, who had done RL Commissions before, and they helped me figure out a good set of pricing for RL Commissions. So here's what I've come up with...

For a single character in the same style [and about the same size, perhaps a little more of the legs, or, if I'm feeling particularly not-lazy, the full body] as the deviation "Christmas at Jake's", it would be $15.

For two half-ish body characters [ like this: [link] ] it would be $25.

For two full-ish body characters [like this: [link] ], it would be $3O.

For each additional half-ish body character, add $1O, and for each additional full-ish body character, add $15.

We need this money by the end of October, if at all possible, since the set court date for clearing everything up falls on election day, Nov. 4. The people who set it up are all just a bunch of [I SHALL NOT PRESS MY POLITICAL OPINION ON YOU] supporters, if you ask me... but that's not the point.

Commissions would be loved forever. Really. But even sympathy is nice... all support is welcome.

As is cash or postal money orders.

Just kidding.

But in all actuality, those are the only methods of payment I can accept at the moment, unfortunately. Most people prefer postal money orders, since they're less likely to be stolen by some sneaky fucker at the post office, but... cash in an envelope works just as well for me. Just fold it up in a piece of printer - or even sketchbook, if you're really paranoid - paper, and send it along. It usually arrives in pristine condition.

Oh, speaking of which... I may end up adding an additional option of an extra small fee to send along the original artwork in the mail to the Commissioner [lulz, Gordon] but at the moment, I don't think I'm going to have that option open.

Sooo... have at, mates.

...

Please?
D:


CURRENTLY:. $8O / $275

]]> ~CilliansChainsaw http://CilliansChainsaw.deviantart.com/journal/20731788/ http://CilliansChainsaw.deviantart.com/journal/20731788/ Mon, 29 Sep 2008 07:58:44 PDT Ooh. I be changin' it up in hurr, yo.

'Cause I'm so gangsterr.

DX

But anyways... MY FAVOURITE GAME.

AGAIN.

Rules:
- Pick 10 of your favourite movies.
- Go to IMDb and find a quote from each movie.
- Post them here for everyone to guess.
- Fill in the film title once it's guessed.
- NO GOOGLING/using IMDb search functions

1:. [: The Usual Suspects] But why me?! I'm stupid! I'm a cripple!

2:. [: On Golden Pond] Wanna dance or would you rather just suck face?

3:. [: The Sting] Tough luck, Lonneghan. But that's what you get for playing with your head up your ass!

4:. [: On the Waterfront] You don't understand. I coulda had class. I coulda been a contender. I coulda been somebody, instead of a bum, which is what I am, let's face it.

5:. [: Spider] Nasty stuff: Gas. I knew a man once... Put his head in a gas oven... Turned on the gas... Then, he changed his mind... But his head was STUCK!

6:. [: Monster's Ball(s). Lulz.] You hate me. You hate me, don't you? Answer me! You hate me, don't you?!

7:. [: Elf] It's just like Santa's workshop! Except it smells like mushrooms... and everyone looks like they wanna hurt me...

8:. [: Van Helsing] Why don't you go ahead and grab it? If there's one thing I've learned, it's never to stick your hand into a viscous material.

9:. [: Time After Time] We don't belong here? On the contrary, Herbert. I belong here completely and utterly. I'm home.

10:. [: Pay It Forward] Are you saying you'll flunk us if we don't change the world?


Isn't this fun?!?!

WHO'S TIRED OF THIS GAME?!?!

NOT MEEEE~

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA -

...

Totally not crazy.

...

D:

]]> ~CilliansChainsaw http://CilliansChainsaw.deviantart.com/journal/20655782/ http://CilliansChainsaw.deviantart.com/journal/20655782/ Thu, 25 Sep 2008 20:37:17 PDT Yet another one filled out.

Rules:
- Pick 10 of your favourite movies.
- Go to IMDb and find a quote from each movie.
- Post them here for everyone to guess.
- Fill in the film title once it's guessed.
- NO GOOGLING/using IMDb search functions

1:. [: Treasure Planet] We must stick together, and... Doctor, you have wonderful eyes.

2:. [: Intermission] Do I have a ronnie? Y'know... moustache, like.

3:. [: Brokeback Mountain] If this thing takes hold of us in the wrong place... at the wrong time... we're both dead.

4:. [: The Juror] I'm sorry you hate me... but I do love you.

5:. [: Playing God] Now I get to use a phrase I always wanted to use in med school: take your clothes off and get under the sheets.

6:. [: Shadowboxer] They don't want you goin' near this baby's dick.

7:. [: Swimming With Sharks] Once you get past the "oops, he caught us" stage and realize we're both fucked, let me know, okay?

8:. [: Six Degrees of Seperation] She said having sex with you was like having sex with a salad with bad dressing! Why did you bring me into this world?!

9:. [: The Road to El Dorado] You know that little voice people have that tells them to quit when they're ahead? You don't have one!

10:. [: 10th & Wolf] When I saw my father shot dead outside our house, I remember thinking he probably deserved it.


Eh, these are a little more obscure than usual...

All right, a LOT more obscure.

But hopefully somebody will be able to get at least some of them.

...

I hope.

D:

]]> ~CilliansChainsaw http://CilliansChainsaw.deviantart.com/journal/20635238/ http://CilliansChainsaw.deviantart.com/journal/20635238/ Wed, 24 Sep 2008 08:23:10 PDT Wow. This one got completed much quicker than the other one.

Who wants to play again?

X3

Ha, ha, ha... hee hee... ho, ho... hee... ha... ho... hee... ho...

And so on.

Rules:
- Pick 10 of your favourite movies.
- Go to IMDb and find a quote from each movie.
- Post them here for everyone to guess.
- Fill in the film title once it's guessed.
- NO GOOGLING/using IMDb search functions


1:. [: Sunshine] You are dying. All crew is dying.

2:. [: Iron Man] I swear, if you spray me again and I'm not on fire, I'm going to donate you to the local college. And stop following me around like that, you're making me feel like I'm going to spontaneously combust at any given moment.

3:. [: Twelve Monkeys] I was thinking of tearing the bars out and EATING THEM! Yes, EATING THEM!

4:. [: Angela's Ashes] If I were in America I could say "I love you, dad", the way they do in the films. But in Limerick they'd laugh at you. In Limerick you are only allowed to say you love God, and babies, and horses that win. Anything else is softness in the head.

5:. [: The Dark Knight] I hear he wears makeup. Y'know... war paint. To scare people.

6:. [: House of D] Solid according to you, lady, girls like fools and small balls. So I'm pretty much covered.

7:. [: Candy] This is Jorge. Very limited English, but very large penis.

8:. [: The Lookout] Am I dead? I must be dead because no one's talking to me!

9:. [: Pulp Fiction] Ah, I like that. I like tulip. Tulip is much better than mongoloid.

10:. [: A Streetcar Named Desire] You come in here and you sprinkle the place with powder and you spray perfume and you stick a paper lantern over the light bulb - and, lo and behold, the place has turned to Egypt and you are the Queen of the Nile, sitting on your throne, swilling down my liquor. And do you know what I say? Ha ha! Do you hear me? Ha ha ha!


Fun and games and movie quotes.

Perhaps a bit more obscure than last time... perhaps a bit easier.

Whatevs, yo.

]]> ~CilliansChainsaw http://CilliansChainsaw.deviantart.com/journal/20584825/ http://CilliansChainsaw.deviantart.com/journal/20584825/ Tue, 23 Sep 2008 12:11:55 PDT Okay, so because I'm impatient, I just filled in the last two, myself.

Congrats, and , for getting all the other ones. <3

Rules:
- Pick 10 of your favourite movies.
- Go to IMDb and find a quote from each movie.
- Post them here for everyone to guess.
- Fill in the film title once it's guessed.
- NO GOOGLING/using IMDb search functions

MY QUOTES:

1:. [: Aaron Eckhart in Meet Bill] Let me make this known. I love blow jobs. I am Mr. Blow Job Aficionado!

2:. [: Kevin Spacey in K-PAX] Your produce alone has made it worth the trip.

3:. [: 16 Blocks] Oh, no, man. It ain't Miller Time, man!

4:. [: Kevin Spacey in American Beauty] I didn't lose my job. It wasn't like, Whoops, where'd my job go? I QUIT.

5:. [: Don Cheadle in Manic] I'm not gonna give you some bullshit hokey speech and tell you that if you come to some epiphany about your dad you're gonna make a breakthrough and everything's gonna be pizza and blow jobs.

6:. [: Heath Ledger in Lords of Dogtown] He's not a pirate like us, man. I mean, what kind of sixteen-year-old surfer wears a watch?

7:. [: Mysterious Skin] You called me your fucking... angel.

8:. [: The Full Monty] Anti-Wrinkle Cream there may be, but Anti-Fat Bastard Cream there is none.

9:. [: Jonathan Tucker in Cherry Crush] Future doctor, future lawyer, future somebody... but you would never expect an accomplice to murder - twice.

10:. [: Arthur] If I begin to die, please take this off my head. This is not the way I wish to be remembered.


And now, I'm going to do it... AGAIN!

With different quotes!

Fun stuff~

]]> ~CilliansChainsaw http://CilliansChainsaw.deviantart.com/journal/19429936/ http://CilliansChainsaw.deviantart.com/journal/19429936/ Wed, 16 Jul 2008 14:40:12 PDT Well, they are.

Somebody just go back and listen to "These Things I'll Never Say" and tell me if those lyrics in the chorus aren't blatantly sexual.

But that's not why I'm posting. I'm just in a funny mood. Right now I'm listening to In the House, In a Heartbeat that Cillian managed to scavange from the black hole of my laptop... because our soundtrack STILL hasn't been returned.

STILL. It's been months. I should ask for a cash reimbursement, because that's ridiculous.

That thing came all the way from bloody England.

Okay, so, the REAL reason I'm posting (what, not another rant? Well, kind-of) is that I just rekindled my want for something ridiculous that I found last year, only this year, I'm old enough to order it offline, myself! So I thought, why not get it while the getting's good?!

Except... the getting isn't as good as I would have hoped.

See, the thing is... Hannah is dead broke.

And Cillian is dead broke.

And Cillian refuses to sleep around to get money for Hannah.

You unappreciative Irish whore. After all I've done for you.

So I thought, before college starts for me and I am EPIC SWAMPED, why not do a few commissions to earn some extra cash on the side? Maybe... if anyone is interested in buying my work. Or Cillian's. Sketches or MSPaint.

Though, we're both terrible at pricing artwork. had commissions with prices that seemed to work for her watchers, but she's so epically amazing that she could charge whatever the fuck she wanted and people would still order her brilliant animal drawings.

I am so jealous.

So if ANYONE is interested (maybe?) in buying some artwork from either of us, it would be INSANELY appreciated. And even if you're not in the buying mood, some suggestions for pricings would be EPICALLY appreciated as well.

It would be the pricing for one halfbody character of mine (example: [link] ) or one halfbody character of Cillian's (example: [link] , except only one character).

What are we saving up for? Well, a slew of things, but at the top rungs of the list:

1:. Fx contact lenses ~ $180 + shipping

And maybe:

2:. Hannah's angel wings/memorial tattoo ~ $150+

We would be sharing the lenses, therefore we only need one pair... unhealthy and probably going to turn us both blind, but, pfft, we're young and stupid. So what if we're blind by the time we're thirty? At least we looked kick-ass when we were younger.

Maybe, sometime later, when we have JOBS or learn to use Photoshop and can actually make something halfway DECENT, then we're shooting for other, more ridiculous items, as well:

3:. Heath Ledger's surfboard* ~ $2,000 + shipping
4:. Joseph Gordon-Levitt's dogtags** ~ $400 + shipping

[*This one has special sentimental value... no, not because we're both screaming fangirls, but because we're both Australian, and he's a fellow Ozzie. If something of Steve Irwin's had been for sale after his death, we would probably have tried to get it as well.]

[**This one is just because I'm a screaming fangirl. The movie it came from actually sucked. His character committed suicide after getting a BCD.]

WE ARE SO SUPERFICIAL.

GO ON, SAY IT.

"HANNAH AND CILLIAN, YOU GUYS ARE SO SUPERFICIAL."

There. Doesn't that feel better?

Now excuse me while I go die.

]]> ~CilliansChainsaw http://CilliansChainsaw.deviantart.com/journal/19359749/ http://CilliansChainsaw.deviantart.com/journal/19359749/ Sat, 12 Jul 2008 18:26:43 PDT No, this is not a film review.

This is a rant. And that was a warning. So if you don't want to read my rant, then you can just click out of here.

I am SO GODDAMN SICK OF THIS PLACE.

If I have to stay here one more minute, I'm going to SCREAM. Someone is going to end up strangled by the end of the summer, and it won't be me.

My fucking grandparents are driving me up the wall. If I have to look at them one more time I will just kill myself.

AS FOR YOU, GRANDMOTHER, I AM EIGHTEEN. NOT FOUR. I CAN DRIVE BETTER THAN BOTH OF YOU PUT TOGETHER, EVEN IF BOTH OF YOU WERE FORTY YEARS YOUNGER. SO STOP YOUR BACKSEAT DRIVING, WOMAN. THE SPEED LIMIT IS FIFTY, AND I'M DOING FORTY-FIVE. IF YOU CAN'T HANDLE THAT THEN GET OUT OF THE CAR AND FUCKING WALK. ALSO, STOP YOUR STUPID QUESTIONS. EVERY TIME SOMEONE ON THE TELLY SAYS SOMETHING, THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU HAVE TO TURN TO ME AND ASK ME ABOUT IT. NO, I DON'T WANT TO GO TO ICELAND. I DON'T CARE IF SOMEONE ON WHEEL OF FORTUNE JUST WON A TRIP THERE. NO, I DON'T LIKE THAT CAR THEY'RE ADVERTISING. SHUT THE FUCK UP AND TURN OF THE GODDAMN TELEVISION. AND STOP STARING AT ME. SERIOUSLY, IT CREEPS ME THE FUCK OUT. AND STOP STANDING BEHIND ME, WATCHING WHAT I'M DOING AND BREATHING IN MY EAR. AND FOR GOD'S SAKE, STOP GOING THROUGH MY THINGS WHEN I'M NOT THERE. IT'S CALLED PRIVACY, IN CASE IT HADN'T BEEN INVENTED YET IN THE EIGHTEENTH CENTURY WHEN YOU WERE BORN. STOP MAKING ME SAY JESUS' NAME WHENEVER YOU PRAY. I DON'T BELIEVE IN JESUS, AND MAKING ME SAY HIS NAME IN PRAYER JUST MAKES IT WORSE. STOP BLAMING EVERYONE ELSE IN THE WORLD WHEN YOU MISPLACE SOMETHING. TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR ONCE. STOP TELLING ME ABOUT HOW THINGS WORK "IN THIS FAMILY". IF THINGS WORK "IN THIS FAMILY" THAT ALL OF YOU ARE SO GODDAMN PREJUDICE AGAINST ANYONE WHO'S DIFFERENT FROM YOU - PEOPLE WHO HAVE DIFFERENT SKIN COLOUR, DIFFERENT SEXUAL PREFERENCE, HELL, EVEN PEOPLE WHO DON'T VOTE FOR THE SAME CANDIDATE AS YOU - THEN I WANT "OUT OF THIS FAMILY". I DON'T CARE IF YOU HAVE MONEY. MONEY CAN'T BUY HAPPINESS... NOT UNLESS YOU'RE SO GODDAMN SHALLOW, LIKE BOTH OF YOU, AND LIKE MY MOTHER.

AS FOR YOU, GRANDFATHER. I AM SO SICK OF GETTING YELLED AT. YOU'RE NOT GODDAMN FUNNY, SO SHUT THE FUCK UP. STOP SCREAMING AT ME. I ALREADY HAVE BAD EARS AND BEING EXCRUTIATINGLY LOUD DOESN'T MAKE YOU ANY GODDAMN FUNNIER. I HEARD YOU THE FIRST TIME. YOU DON'T HAVE TO REPEAT YOURSELF SIXTEEN TIMES FOR ME TO HEAR YOU. NO, THE GIRL BEHIND THE COUNTER DOES NOT THINK YOU ARE CHARMING OR FUNNY, ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU HUMILIATE OR DEGRADE ME FOR YOUR STUPID GODDAMN LAUGHS. I AM NOT YOUR VALET, SO STOP CALLING ME THAT. I AM NOT YOUR SLAVE, SO STOP CALLING ME THAT. I AM NOT YOUR CABIN GIRL, YOUR "LANDLUBBER", OR YOUR "SWAB", AND I'M SICK OF BEING CALLED THOSE THINGS. REALLY. TRY CALLING ME "HANNAH" FOR ONCE. I HATE YOUR CHURCH SERVICE AND I HATE YOUR PRIEST; HE'S SO DEGRADING TO EVERYONE. DON'T YELL AT ME FOR BEING BUSY ONE NIGHT AND MISSING SETTING THE TABLE. I SET THE TABLE EVERY GODDAMN NIGHT, AS WELL AS CLEARING THE DISHES FROM THE TABLE AFTER EVERYONE IS DONE EATING, PUTTING THEM IN THE SINK, RINSING THEM OFF, AND MAKING EVERYONE'S DESSERT. SO PULL YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOUR ASS AND APPRECIATE ME FOR ONCE. STOP BEING ALL INCENSED AT ME WHEN I MISS MY FRIENDS BACK IN TALLY. IF I WANT TO WATCH BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN, THAT'S MY OWN GODDAMN PROBLEM. IF I WANT TO SEE THE DARK KNIGHT WITH MY FRIENDS, THEN YOU SHOULD RESPECT THAT. I FEEL LIKE I CAN'T ENJOY ANYTHING WHEN I'M AROUND THE TWO OF YOU BECAUSE YOU'RE ALWAYS JUDGING ME. IF I WANT TO PAINT MY FACE THEN THAT'S MY PROBLEM. IT DOESN'T CONCERN EITHER OF YOU. IF I WANT TO KISS GIRLS, THAT'S MY PROBLEM. NOT YOURS. AND IF YOU WANT TO MAKE IT YOUR PROBLEM, THEN YOU CAN BOTH GO FUCK YOURSELVES.

And Cillian isn't making it much better, since both of you hate him and don't trust him at all. So what if he likes boys as well as girls? It's not your place to judge him. He won't be here for much longer, so just fuck off.

This is supposed to be my summer of freedom. Instead, I just feel like I've been shackled to a Bible. Or a radiator. Whichever burns more.


End of rant. That made me feel so much better...

Sorry for dumping it on all of you.

...If anyone made it this far.

]]> ~CilliansChainsaw http://CilliansChainsaw.deviantart.com/journal/19296204/ http://CilliansChainsaw.deviantart.com/journal/19296204/ Wed, 09 Jul 2008 16:43:00 PDT
In Short: Nutcase Francie Brady tells the story of his childhood and the events that led up to him being institutionalised.

Most Memorable Quote: “Stupid! Stupid! Who wants to be Mr. and Mrs. Ape anyhow?!”


Funny how these things happen. Just one year ago, almost to the day, I was reviewing another one of Neil Jordan’s films.

But, I have to say, I definitely liked that one better.

Let me tell you a little about this one, and then we’ll see if you can guess which other film he made.

The Butcher Boy is set in Ireland (clue one) in the 60’s/70’s (clue two) and it revolves around a quirky boy with no mother (clue three) who eventually goes crazy (clue four). Oh, and it also has a poppy soundtrack (clue five).

If you haven’t guessed Breakfast on Pluto by now, you haven’t been reading my reviews.

The Butcher Boy tells the story of Francie Brady, who is in trouble for “what he done on Mrs. Nugent”, which means, in plain-talk, “what he did to Mrs. Nugent” - for people who have a hard time understanding Irish lingo ( I know I did, for the longest time. Then I started watching WAY too many Irish movies and reading WAY too many Irish books. ) … or those with dirty minds.

Shame on youse.

It starts with Francie and his friend, Joe, who play together like boys do. Then it introduces the uppity Mrs. Nugent and her son Philip. Francie and Joe trick Philip into giving them his comics, and Mrs. Nugent has a course word with Francie’s parents, his alcoholic father, Benny (Rhea) and his schizophrenic, suicidal mother, Annie (hmm, whose parents do these remind us of? - uh, no, Kitten Braden is the wrong answer), calling them pigs.

Well, for Francie, that insult is what set off the chain of events. One day after school, Francie finds his mother about to hang herself, and soon after, Annie is sent off to a mental institution, or, as he calls it, “the garage”. After her return, Francie’s uncle Alo (Hart) pays them a visit, but Benny is so rude to him that he leaves and never returns. That same night, Francie runs away to Dublin, where he has a few adventures, then buys a present for his mother, but, returning home, finds that his mother is dead. She had drowned herself after he ran away from home.

Francie is convinced that the whole mess is the fault of the Nugents, so he lures Philip into an old chicken loft and tries to kill him, but is stopped by Joe. Not long after that, still stewing about the Nugents, Francie breaks into the Nugent house after they have left and trashes it, smashing plates, destroying cakes that Mrs. Nugent baked, writing “IGS” all over the house in lipstick, and finally - the coup de gras, as it were - having a schizophrenic school lesson and relieving himself on Mrs. Nugent’s floor.

What a charming lad.

For this bit of unexplainable bad behaviour, Francie is sent off to a reforming school run by priests, most notably Father Bubble (Gleeson, looking rather alarmingly thin, if anyone has seen 28 Days Later, Harry Potter, A.I., or any other notable Gleeson film). Francie is told that all he has to do is prove that he’s not a bad lad anymore and he can go home, which sets him on the goal of earning the Francie-Brady-Not-A-Bad-Bastard-Anymore-Diploma. After asking to be made an altar-boy, Francie overhears a sermon about the Virgin Mary appearing to children and concocts a plan. The next day, Francie claims to have seen the Virgin Mary so he will not have to labour in the fields. Impressed and overjoyed, Bubble takes Francie and introduces him to another, higher-up father, who takes a certain shine to him. Well, he took more than just this “shine” to Francie in the book, but you can’t win them all, I s’ose. That, and it would have made the film NC-17. And probably banned in America.

After the priest goes a little too far with his questionings and strange fancies (dressing Francie up in a bonnet? WEIRDO!) Francie tries to attack him with a letter-opener, and Bubble has to intervene. For having been molested (gasp!) by the priest, Francie is allowed to leave the reform school and go back home. When he gets back home, his best friend Joe has turned on him and made Philip Nugent his new best friend, leaving Francie alone in the world, but for his alcoholic father. Francie gets a job at the butcher’s, making him Francie Brady the Butcher Boy, and takes it on himself to do everything possible to make life the best he can for himself and his father.

T... ]]> ~CilliansChainsaw http://CilliansChainsaw.deviantart.com/journal/19165244/ http://CilliansChainsaw.deviantart.com/journal/19165244/ Wed, 02 Jul 2008 12:27:16 PDT First of all, this is Hannah. <3

Secondly...

I'm so excited! Not only was yesterday my birthday, but as a special birthday surprise, I logged into my e-mail this morning and: BAM! Guess what, Hannah? You've been voted Reviewer of the Week on the reviewing website you're a part of, and as a special added bonus...

BECAUSE OF THIS, YOU MIGHT BE GOING TO SEE THE PREMIERE OF THE DARK KNIGHT IN NY WITH THE CAST!

Oh. My. Gods.

I am SO excited right now.

Keep your fingers crossed for me, everybody! Man, I wish I had a scanner... then I could try to sell quick-sketch commissions for money for my Red Carpet dress.

I'm going to see if I can find a cheap one at Target or something. Scanner, I mean... not dress.

-confetti-

]]> ~CilliansChainsaw http://CilliansChainsaw.deviantart.com/journal/18987791/ http://CilliansChainsaw.deviantart.com/journal/18987791/ Sun, 22 Jun 2008 17:43:30 PDT More like tricked.

By

Well, here goes...

Leave a comment and I will:

a) tell you why I friended you,
b) associate you with something - fandom, a song, a colour, a photo, etc.,
c) tell you something I like about you,
d) tell you a memory I have of you,
e) ask something I've always wanted to know about you,
f) tell you my favorite user pic of yours,
g) in return, you must post this in your journal.

NOW GET TO COMMENTING!!

]]> ~CilliansChainsaw http://CilliansChainsaw.deviantart.com/journal/18763693/ http://CilliansChainsaw.deviantart.com/journal/18763693/ Tue, 10 Jun 2008 09:48:24 PDT
In Short: One summer in 1963, two young men, a rodeo cowboy and a ranch hand, form a romantic bond, and though both men try to lead normal, married lives afterwards, their relationship stays with them throughout their entire lives.

Most Memorable Quote: "I wish I knew how to quit you!"


I cried.

And anyone who knows me personally or reads my reviews knows that I NEVER cry.

After watching this movie, I decided to make the decision to sleep on it before reviewing it, which was probably a wise choice. Had I set out to type up this review yesterday at two in the morning, I might have labelled Brokeback Mountain as my new favourite film. But, I think, after a night of restless sleep (it’s unbearably hot in the house, due to relatives who can’t stand to have the air conditioning turned on – but I won’t burden you with my troubles) I am fully prepared to give this film the review it deserves. Now that I have had time to think about it, I can sit down and really type up an appropriate critique.

But first, I have to say this: Jake Gyllenhaal has this mole above his mouth on the left side, and had it not been for that mole, the kissing and romancing scenes would have been a lot less seductive. How weird does that sound? But if you watch the movie, you’ll see what I’m talking about.

Wait, kissing scenes? There were kissing scenes?

Read on.

Brokeback Mountain starts slowly. Two young cowboys, Jack Twist (Gyllenhaal) and Ennis Del Mar (Ledger) come to a sheep-herder looking for work during the summer months. Both are about nineteen years old (though Ennis could be closer to twenty). The man in charge is a gruff, mean old jerk who hates cowboys, but he decides to take the two on as workers because they are the only ones who have applied. Soon, Jack is herding the sheep while Ennis makes the meals and keeps the man who comes by posted on what supplies they need and how the sheep are doing.

Soon, the two young men start talking about themselves, and become friends. It turns out Ennis is an orphan, raised by his brother and sister and finally abandoned when he turned nineteen. Twist was raised by his parents, though his father, a rodeo cowboy, never liked him much. Twist had become a rodeo cowboy soon after, but he had never managed to win the approval of his father.

Day after day, they swap stories over meals and then return to their respective jobs. But one night, after a long session of stories and whiskey, Ennis is too drunk to return to his own camp, so Jack invites him to stay the night with him. Ennis volunteers to sleep outside, but the cold weather forces him to retreat into the tiny tent with Jack. Jack tries to inconspicuously slip Ennis' arm around him, but Ennis wakes, sees what Jack is doing, and panics. Jack pleads with him and reassures him, and finally, Ennis gives in and he and Jack have sex.

The next morning, Ennis awakes, wondering it what happened last night really happened, but finds that it did when he realizes that his pants are around undone around his thighs. He and Jack talk and confirm that neither considers himself to be "queer" and that their Brokeback Mountain love story is a "one-time thing", but as they continue to spend the summer together, their relationship blooms, until they are sleeping together every night, tussling affectionately half-naked in the field, and skinny-dipping together. One day, the sheep-herder comes to evaluate what kind of a job the boys are doing, and sees them all over each other. He sends word that their summer job has been cut short, and that they are to bring the sheep back, and then sends them off.

A short time later, Ennis marries a young woman named Alma, and they have two little girls, Jenny and Alma, Jr. Soon after, Jack marries a spunky cowgirl named Lureen (Hathaway), and the two have a son. But neither is completely satisfied with their new life, so when Ennis receives a postcard from Jack Twist in the mail, he is ecstatic and happily invites Jack up for a weekend of "fishing" at Brokeback Mountain. Jack comes up to Ennis' house and they embrace, and then, unable to stand it any longer, they kiss passionately. Alma peers out the door to see this "Jack" that her husband was going to go fishing with, and sees her husband and Jack kissing. Ennis and Jack then head up to Brokeback for some away-time together, just the two of them.

After an afternoon of extravagant delight (Candy reference ftw), Jack approaches Ennis with the idea that they build a little ranch of their own, just the two of them, and live out the rest of their days together, like any heterosexual couple. Other people don’t have to know we’re gay, Jack tells him. Just us.... ]]> ~CilliansChainsaw http://CilliansChainsaw.deviantart.com/journal/18394050/ http://CilliansChainsaw.deviantart.com/journal/18394050/ Mon, 19 May 2008 06:05:57 PDT
In Short: One year after their first adventure in Narnia, the Pevensie children once again find themselves summoned to the magical land, though 13oo years have passed in Narnia and nothing is the same as they remember, and they must now help an exiled prince to regain his rightful throne from a group of human rogues who are bent on making all magical peoples of Narnia extinct.

Most Memorable Quote: “And you wonder why we don’t LIKE you.”


If I were to sum up The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian in just a few words, I would say it was a poorly-scripted conglomeration of nonsense followed quickly by a long sequence of sword-clanging and a series of heavy-handed Biblical references. But that’s just me. Maybe some people like that kind of thing enough to sit through two and a half hours of it.

And Prince Caspian and High King Peter Pevensie were so ridiculously homosexual for one another that I was shocked that the cliché kiss at the end of the film (it’s a bunch of horny teenagers running around saving the world, there has to be a kiss somewhere in there) was not between the two of them. Really. The sexual tension when they looked at each other was so thick that you could cut it with a knife.

But that was not the point of the film, now was it? At least, the intentional point of the film. Highly religious people would probably burn me at the stake for saying it, but… just watch the movie. You’ll see.

It’s just like… Eragon and Murtagh. “You NEED me, Dragon-Rider.”

Wait, didn’t they end up being brothers? Eww…

Uh, if you haven’t read Eldest yet, disregard that last statement.

Prince Caspian begins with the birth of a son to the title character’s uncle (a horrendously diabolical Castellito), who then orders Prince Caspian (Barnes) to be executed to make way for his own son to become the prince, and he the king. Caspian is tipped off and makes an escape, but is soon captured by some of the interesting magical creatures who make up the citizens of Narnia, and, thinking himself in danger, blows on his magical horn and summons the former kings and queens of Narnia to help him.

The Pevensie siblings, meanwhile, are trying to adjust to life back in England, when all of a sudden, through a poorly-scripted (and even more poorly-acted) turn of events, they find themselves back in Narnia, when they realize that something is different. Go figure. “I don’t remember any ruins in Narnia,” Edmund observes. And thus they go through a long string of horrendously-scripted, rushed, and poorly-acted events that lead them to discover that Narnia has undergone 13oo years of change since their last visit and that Aslan the lion (to whom Liam Neeson once again lends his soothing Irish voice) has not been seen for many hundreds of years.

Oh, dear. And where is Mister Tumnus, pray tell?

The siblings meet up with Caspian and the Narnians and they decide that they will help Caspian to regain his throne from his wicked uncle and once again return the world to its original owners, the magical creatures of Narnia.

The children do not do any growing in this film, no development of individual characters whatsoever, except perhaps for Lucy, who seems to see Aslan in every nook and cranny of the forest, despite her siblings and their wise-cracking dwarfish guide (Dinkleage) telling her he is not there. Besides, there is no time for character development. Not when you’ve got so much fighting to do. So much fighting! Let us gather our armies!

Our armies include a Puss-in-Boots-esque, sword-wielding mouse (voice of Eddie Izzard), a random squirrel, a bunch of fawns (all vying for screen time – especially one standing to Susan’s immediate left (audience’s right) in the single combat scene), some centaurs (including an adorable ten-or-so-year-old centaur who appeared in only one scene), a minotaur, and a badger. Oh, and a flashlight-wielding moron. Some army.

Did flashlights even exist in the early forties?

When Aslan finally did appear (and yes, I mean FINALLY) he made a dramatic entrance that ended with a heavily Biblical message (the first people to volunteer to give up all they have to go to a different world are granted “a good life there” by Aslan, who then breathes on them to grant it. The leader of the mice and his eleven men – twelve mice in total – say they will do the same, but Aslan wants them to stay in Narnia and represent him when he has gone. Hmm, who could Aslan possibly represent?)

The humour was very broad, mostly to appeal to the small children in the audience (though what idiot would... ]]> ~CilliansChainsaw http://CilliansChainsaw.deviantart.com/journal/18393994/ http://CilliansChainsaw.deviantart.com/journal/18393994/ Mon, 19 May 2008 06:01:13 PDT
In Short: A wealthy, ingenious arms dealer with a prosthetic heart creates the ultimate fighting machine to undo the wrongs that have been done when he discovers that the company his father created has been dealing weapons of mass destruction to enemy forces.

Most Memorable Quote: “I swear, if you spray me again and I’m not on fire, I’m going to donate you to the local college. And stop following me around like that, you’re making me feel like I’m going to spontaneously combust at any given moment.”


Well, get your gear, gents, because the Summer Movie Season has officially begun.

Bullwhip and hat? Check. Red, green, white and black makeup and trench coat? Check. Purple boxer-shorts? Check.

Big honking red-and-yellow iron suit of what-could-be-called armour?

Saywhat?

Yeah, I thought so.

An entirely unorthodox and random entry in the usually skin-based spandex-clad action hero genre (Batman, Hulk, Fantastic Four, Catwoman – ha, she’s not a superhero, she’s a joke), Iron Man is like Stan Lee’s version of Transformers. Only better, because Iron Man came first in the timeline of action cartoons and the movie doesn’t have ridiculous Shia Lebouf in it. Who looks like he was hit in the face with a shovel. Twice. After being kicked out of a disco. Which was funny.

But enough about my spiteful ranting against Shia Lebouf. What did he ever do to me?

Except ruin the new Indiana Jones film. Michael Angarano would have been SO much better.

ANYWAYS.

Iron Man follows the story of Tony Stark (Downey Jr.), a wealthy, womanizing arms dealer who travels to the Middle East to showcase his newest invention, a super-effective weapon of mass destruction called the Jericho. While he is showcasing this item, his group is ambushed by terrorists and he is seriously injured and kidnapped. After a rough surgery where an intelligent middleman-type-agent gives him a crudely-forged generator in place of his heart, which had been nearly destroyed by shrapnel, Stark is locked in a small underground room and forced to build a replica of the Jericho from the parts used in his previous weapons, which the terrorists have somehow managed to get their hands on. While there, Stark not only creates a more sophisticated design for the generator, but he begins to create a large metal suit that will help him to escape.

After his escape, he is rescued by his friend, an Air Force official named James Wright (Howard), who takes him back to America, where he is warmly greeted by his assistant, Pepper Potts (Paltrow), the only sensible woman in sight, who, inevitably, later on in the film becomes the love interest for Stark. He is then taken to his partner in the company, who was also his father’s partner, the deliciously-named Obadiah Stane (Bridges) who is so incredibly diabolical that it rolls off his bald pate in waves. What is it with bald villains? Obadiah Stane, Lex Luther, The Blob, Humpty Dumpty, Great White, Kingpin, Bullseye… At least Magneto had a nice head of hair.

Upon his return, Stark decides that he is going to create a better, more streamline, and more effective super-suit than the one he created in the desert, and also realizes just how horrible the effects of his weaponry are, and so decides that he is going to shut down the industry and instead focus on creating prosthetic hearts like the one he has installed in his own body. But there are others who are determined to keep the arms industry up and running, and will let no one, especially not Stark, stand in their way.

Overall, it was entertaining, but very gritty. For the first twenty-five minutes, at least, if not for most of the entire film, it felt more like Proof of Life or Rescue Dawn than a superhero movie. At least Batman Begins had the decency to put ninjas in the first fifteen minutes of the film. Give it a little bit of, I don’t know… ridiculous. Which is just what every superhero film needs. Which was Iron Man’s biggest shortcoming.

Iron Man tried to take itself too seriously. Its “outlandish, villainous contraption o’ the movie” (every superhero movie has one, like Magneto’s giant spinning machine in the Statue of Liberty’s torch, Raz al Ghul’s microwave generator, Doc Ock’s mechanical tentacle arms, and Lex Luther’s Kryptonite crystal cannon) was not outlandish at all, but rather looked like something that might not only exist in a science fiction flick like the X-Files, but also in a regular thriller, or even in real life. And although the film was a WHOLE lot better than Michael Bay’s big-boom action flick Transformers, it had the same dark, metal, grinding feel to it.

In other opinions, the... ]]> ~CilliansChainsaw http://CilliansChainsaw.deviantart.com/journal/18081748/ http://CilliansChainsaw.deviantart.com/journal/18081748/ Tue, 29 Apr 2008 06:05:54 PDT
In Short: After becoming riled over his wife’s interest in another man, pilot Gary suffers a heart attack, and after he is given a transplant, he makes contact with the mother of the young donor, who died in a motorcycle crash – but she develops more than just a friendly interest in him, and her sinister obsession pushes Gary to the edge.

MMQ: “I’ll get you a copy of the tape!”

Recommend: No

~ * ~

Sunshine ~ R ~ Ralph Fiennes, William Hurt, Rosemary Harris ~ Three out of four stars, B+, two thumbs up.

In Short: Great-grandpa Sonnenschein established a family fortune when he created the Elixir of Sunshine, hoping that his son, grandson and further generations would carry on the family legacy – but they have different ideas about how they want to spend their lives.

MMQ: “I am Adam Sors, Olympic gold medalist for Hungary… Adam Sors, Olympic gold medalist… Adam Sors…”

Recommend: Yes

~ * ~

Perfume: The Story of a Murderer ~ R ~ Alan Rickman, Dustin Hoffman ~ Two and a half out of four stars, B-, one thumb up.

In Short: A young peasant boy with an extraordinary sense of smell aspires to become a master perfume-maker, and eventually becomes obsessed with creating the perfect perfume, one that captures the scent and essence of a woman – for which he needs real women.

MMQ: “I will climb up through all of your blood and sit beside you, and I will stare deep into your eyes and let all of my disgust seep in until – you – perish.”

Recommend: Yes

~ * ~

The Last Supper ~ R ~ Two and a half out of four stars, C+, one thumb up.

In Short: A brilliant plastic surgeon develops a morbid taste for the flesh of beautiful women in this twisted, confused adaptation of one of Japan’s most revered horror novelists’ stories.

MMQ: “I want to eat you.”

Recommend: No

~ * ~

A Little Trip to Heaven ~ R ~ Forest Whitaker, Julia Stiles, Jeremy Renner ~ Three out of four stars, B+, two thumbs up.

In Short: A brother-and-sister team attempt to swindle a life insurance company by faking the brother’s death, but a skeptical insurance agent digs deeper into the case and ends up getting personally involved in the web of deceit.

MMQ: “Where is heaven, and can cats go there?”

Recommend: Yes

~ * ~

Candy ~ R ~ Heath Ledger, Geoffery Rush ~ three out of four stars, B, two thumbs up.

In Short: The heartbreaking story of two young junkies trying to survive on the verge of bankruptcy and insanity in Australia in the late nineties.

MMQ: “Doctor, his leg… his leg m-moved… his leg m-moved… it-it moved…”

Recommend: Yes

~ * ~

Love Comes to the Executioner ~ R ~ Jonathan Tucker, Jeremy Renner, Gennifer Galbert ~ Two and a half out of four stars, C+, one thumb up.

In Short: The ridiculous tale of a newly-graduated Latin major who takes a job at the local prison, where his brother is on Death Row, so he can stay close to and support his useless mother, who is disappointed her sons did not both become killers like her late husband. The film not only makes fun of itself, but it makes fun of the fact that it makes fun of itself.

MMQ: “Mom, Chick is on Death Row for killing my entire Latin club. I’m a college graduate. Why can’t you appreciate that?”

Recommend: No

~ * ~

Spider ~ R ~ Ralph Fiennes, Miranda Richardson, Lynn Redgrave ~ Two out of four stars, C, one thumb up.

In Short: The confusing story of a man who was driven crazy at a young age by the witness of his mother’s murder, though he has erased the memory over time, and copes with his condition by building intricate webs out of twine. As he builds his webs, he pieces together his fragmented memories to determine exactly what happened to him.

MMQ: “…Sorry, Mum.”

Recommend: No

]]> ~CilliansChainsaw http://CilliansChainsaw.deviantart.com/journal/17845437/ http://CilliansChainsaw.deviantart.com/journal/17845437/ Mon, 14 Apr 2008 09:09:30 PDT Or nobody cared enough to look for it.

My 1o,ooo Kiriban.

Thanks, guys. That makes me feel so loved.

And no one is interested in commissions from me. So I have no money for things I'm saving up for. Like a laptop for college. Or, you know, pretty contact lenses.

So yeah. Thanks a lot.

-kills self-

]]> ~CilliansChainsaw http://CilliansChainsaw.deviantart.com/journal/17266697/ http://CilliansChainsaw.deviantart.com/journal/17266697/ Mon, 10 Mar 2008 06:26:12 PDT Mad Money ~ PG-13 ~ Katie Holmes, Diane Keaton, Queen Latifah ~ B-, two and a half out of four stars, one thumb up.

In Short: Three down-on-their-luck cleaning ladies working at a local bank find a way to cheat the system and rob the bank – without leaving any trace of illegal activity or breaking any laws.

Most Memorable Quote: “Did you not hear me? Lawyer. L – A – Y – W – E – R.”


Movies just aren’t as much fun to quote when you get older, you know? Unless it’s, like, “Merry Christmas, you old lamppost!” or something ridiculously famous like that.

It’s probably because all of today’s movies suck and simply aren’t quotable.

Now that I’ve said that…

The best way I can describe this is as a nonsensical, upbeat jumble of feel-good mumbo-jumbo. In more convoluted terms, it’s like eating a bowl of pasta with confetti in it. Or, to put it in more movie-oriented terms, it’s like some kind of strange mix of Ocean’s 11 and that made-for-TV Disney movie where the kid gets a blank check from some mobster for running over his bike, and the kid fills it out for a million dollars. As you can see, I’m very well-versed in my made-for-TV Disney films. Ha.

Now that that’s over with, we can get down to actually reviewing the thing.

Mad Money follows the story of Bridget (Keaton), an over-the-hill, higher-middle-class married woman who finds herself unemployed and, all things considered, rather unemployable. It’s not until she has a talk with her own cleaning lady that she finds that a job in cleaning could be just the thing she needs – and that there are plenty of available slots at the local bank, where the slogan is “We keep watch at all times, all places, and all things” and the boss is like an Americanized version of the curator from Night at the Museum, except with no sense of humour and the stick shoved a little farther up his ass. The security guards are the stereotypical good-guy and horny-moron, and the employees are all wooden and stolidly robotic in their jobs.

It is here that Bridget meets Queen (Latifah), a single mom barely struggling by in her bill-shredding job as she tries to give her kids the very best she possibly can; and Katie (Holmes), a spunky, quirky young cart-pusher who shares a run-down double-wide with a half-witted (but cute and sweet) husband, Bob, who works at a meat-packing company. With her enthused talk of a fool-proof plan, Bridget convinces the two women to join her in her crazy, risky escapade, telling them that it will work, no doubt about it, because “they don’t take out the trash – we do.”

And of course, every possible cliché that could plausibly be thrown into one of these silly popcorn movies makes the mark in Mad Money – a romance between the single mom and the good-guy security guard, everybody doing what’s right in the end, everyone living happily ever after. It’s all there.

And Bob is so cute. Geez. Find me a good-looking guy in the movies whose name isn’t Bob. PLEAZE. Robert Capa from Sunshine… Bob from Return to Me… Bobby from X-Men… Bob from Mad Money… IT’S ADDICTIVE.

Worth seeing once, if you don’t have to pay more than two dollars to see it.

]]> ~CilliansChainsaw http://CilliansChainsaw.deviantart.com/journal/17159732/ http://CilliansChainsaw.deviantart.com/journal/17159732/ Mon, 03 Mar 2008 05:50:31 PST
In Short: A group of people with the special ability to teleport instantly from one place to another, called “Jumpers”, are hunted down by a group of religious zealots who feel that no one should have the power to be in all places at once.

Most Memorable Quote: “Yeah, well, I wasn’t counting on that happening. Hmm.”


The way this movie came off, to me, was a poorly-scripted rendition of Star Wars: With a Vengeance. Except with no Bruce Willis, and no lightsabres. Boo.

Jumper starts out with David (Christensen), a boy from a stereotypical broken family, who finds out at a young age, after his mother left him and his somewhat-useless father, that he is a Jumper, and so decides to run away at the age of fifteen to live on his own, but not before leaving a little forget-me-not present to his best friend, Millie (Bilson). He rents a run-down apartment New York, where his first secure source of income is from Jumping into the vault of a local bank and robbing it.

Eight years pass by, and David is living the high life in New York, with a room full of money of all denominations and the world at his fingertips, eating breakfast in New York, Jumping to Egypt for lunch, to London for dinner (and dessert), and back to New York in time to find out the day’s closing rate of the stock exchange. But all is not well. A group of religious zealots, called Paladins (Final Fantasy Tactics, wot?), led by extremist anti-Jumper activist Roland (Jackson), have dedicated themselves to tracking down and killing any and all Jumpers they find, pinning them down with high-voltage electrical cords so they can’t escape and then stabbing them with a special “Jumper-knife”.

Not a very creative way to die, but what the heck.

As fate would have it (my business is all about you? No.) Roland has caught up with David, and is determined to kill him, thinking he is “just like the others”, but, in a bizarre (and strangely convenient for the plot of the movie as a whole) twist, David is able to concentrate enough, despite the electrical current, to Jump home. Roland then decides to make it his personal mission to get rid of David once and for all (which makes one wonder, if there are so many Jumpers, why does Roland stay on the scent of just the one?). It’s a race against the clock as David gangs up with bitter, exceedingly British Jumper Griffin (Bell), to take out Roland and protect the girl he loves.

For some reason, David keeps making references to Marvel team-up comics (ha, Christensen. You WISH you were a Marvel hero. Then perhaps you could act a little better.) Oh, yes, and there was something thrown in about wormholes and religion and a flamethrower…

That’s it, I’m out. I hear Be Kind, Rewind is playing just down the hall.

]]> ~CilliansChainsaw http://CilliansChainsaw.deviantart.com/journal/16957457/ http://CilliansChainsaw.deviantart.com/journal/16957457/ Tue, 19 Feb 2008 06:43:55 PST is the only person who ever drew me a picture of Icarus (and I get the feeling she doesn't like to draw him in the first place), so I thought I would get some art of Icarus et Bird, my bebe fursona(s)! A reference of the two of them can be seen in my deviation, Sunny Yellow Butt: [link]

Sammy, on the right, belongs to . If you do some fan art for her as well, I'll love you forever. And so will she, I'm sure. >.<

But first, Kiriban. The person to screencap the 1o,ooo pageview mark gets a quickly Photoshopped sketch of a single character... that means, , if you get it, I'll give you a quickly Photoshopped picture of your character from our RP. <3


And for the Icarus contest...

First place: quickly Photoshopped picture of two charries

Second place: quickly Photoshopped picture of one charrie

Third place: Sketch of one charrie

Fourth place: I'll think about it. <3

]]> ~CilliansChainsaw http://CilliansChainsaw.deviantart.com/journal/16783420/ http://CilliansChainsaw.deviantart.com/journal/16783420/ Sat, 09 Feb 2008 11:50:32 PST , and I was about to post my eight random facts, when I was tagged by another mate, ! So I thought, well, why do two posts and take up time and space, when I can just do all sixteen in one journal entry? So that's what I'm doing... posting sixteen previously indisclosed facts about myself.

The rules of this game are, one, you get tagged. Two, you post eight facts about yourself. Three, you tag other people at the end of your journal and post on their pages that they have been tagged! And the chain continues...

~ * ~

1:. ANIMATION IS HARDER THAN IT LOOKS. But I'm totally addicted to it.

2:. I rather enjoy my sense of humour, and am known for my bad puns (though my bad puns are NOTHING compared to Cillian's. Jeez.)

3:. It's not a WAGGEDY tail, it's a WAGGELY tail, no matter what they say in Breakfast on Pluto.

4:. I either want two kids, named Spooky and Bard, or seven, named Feylan, James, Lance, Kally-Jane, Amelia, Todd and Sirus. And if I just have one, then I will name him/her/it "Icarus Plaeides [Last Name]". If I have a different number, I'm fucked. Ha... refer to #2.

5:. My middle name, Rmuphy, is actually pronounced "Murphy". My brother's middle name is "Rochester", like the character from Jane Eyre.

6:. I don't like people when they come in swarms, herds, flocks, gaggles, or other expressions of brainless conglomeration.

7:. I don't like to be squeezed, prodded, bonked with random objects, or to have people scream into my left ear, "CAN YOU HEAR ME?!" Yes, I can hear you. I DO have hearing in the other ear, you know.

8:. I'm deaf in my left ear. By the way.

9:. I wear two silver anklets, one on each ankle... one is lined with shamrocks, and the other is a curled vine with leaves. They make the creative process flow from my head to my feet. Or perhaps it's the other way around... >.<

1o:. I like blood, and lots of it. What's so wrong with that?

11:. I have the largest repotoire of put-on accents of anyone I know.

12:.

13:. I sometimes forget to do things.

14:. I am half-Italian, half-Australian, but I like to identify more with the Australian side of my heritage.

15:. I have the most warped hands of anyone I know. My right hand, which is my dominant hand (the one I draw with), has a crooked middle finger with the nail growing in straight, a straight index finger with the nail growing in crooked, and a bizarre pad of built-up skin on my ring finger, where I rest the tip of my pencil when I draw/write.

16:. I had not finished this fact sheet the last time I submitted it.

And now I will tag:



]]> ~CilliansChainsaw http://CilliansChainsaw.deviantart.com/journal/16749910/ http://CilliansChainsaw.deviantart.com/journal/16749910/ Wed, 06 Feb 2008 06:26:57 PST
In Short: In war-torn Scotland, a young boy finds a mysterious egg by the loch near his home and is surprised when it hatches into an amphibious monster.

Most Memorable Quote: “Well, the water horse either carries the man safely across the loch, or drags him down to his watery death. I can’t remember which.”


Well, it was good, clean fun.

The Water Horse seemed like a well-meshed combination of Eragon (Robert Carlyle is that movie’s only saving grace, I swear), Free Willy, and Bedknobs and Broomsticks; it had magic, wonderful costuming, interesting and likeable characters, a good plot, and beautiful cinematography. It was a little bit, you know, sickly-sweet, in parts, and a few elements of it were very Disney (although it was not a Disney movie), but it was a film that kids could watch. So I guess they did a pretty good job, altogether.

The story of the Water Horse begins with an older Scottish gentleman in a tavern telling two young Americans the story of a boy named Angus whose father went off to fight in the second World War. His father had died, but his mother had decided not to tell her young son or his older sister, and so Angus kept counting down the days until his father’s return on an old calendar that he kept in his father’s workshop, where all his father’s old things, from valuables to shells he had collected along the shore of the loch, were stored. He would sometimes go down to the loch to try to amuse himself, but he was altogether a very sad little boy, and he hardly ever smiled.

One day, as he was perusing the rocks at the loch, Angus came across a peculiar rock, which he put into his pail and took home, then set to cleaning, only to find that under the grime, there was a hard shell of Mother of Pearl. He left the rock out on the counter-top in his father’s workshop, but when he went back for it later that night, it had cracked open and a small, feisty creature had come out. Angus named it Crusoe after the fictitious hero, and set to raising it.

Before long, Angus’ mum calls in a handyman, a quiet, mysterious, dark-eyed man with a handsome face and an intense attitude, to clear out her dead husband’s workshop to use as his own. At first Angus dislikes the handyman highly, but after a time they get to know each other. And when the handyman finally sees Crusoe, who continues to grow at an alarming rate, he can’t believe his eyes. “Why,” he says, “that looks like… a water horse.”

I never got around to seeing Danny Boyle’s feel-good film Millions, but I kept picking it up, meaning to rent it. The protagonist of The Water Horse is the same sweet, befreckled boy from Millions, and after seeing his excellent performance in this film, it makes me want to see Millions more than ever. And Emily Watson, woman, you’re in the middle of a bizarre Danny Boyle triangle – go seek out the man and sign yourself up for one of his films! You played Robert Carlyle’s wife in Angela’s Ashes, and he was in a Danny Boyle film (Trainspotting, 1996), and you played this boy’s mother, and he was in a Danny Boyle film (Millions, 2oo6)… did you miss the memo?

Anyways… the only thing that irked me was Brian Cox. He’s an excellent actor with a great face, very convincing, most especially as a villain, but he just couldn’t cut it as a kindly Scotsman. One, the kindly. Two, the Scotsman. Let’s stick to playing action-hero villains and crazy psychiatrists from now on, shall we, Mr. Cox? Love ye.

Overall, definitely worth seeing, and most especially if you have younger siblings. And if you liked it, then you’ll probably want to buy it.

]]> ~CilliansChainsaw http://CilliansChainsaw.deviantart.com/journal/16749888/ http://CilliansChainsaw.deviantart.com/journal/16749888/ Wed, 06 Feb 2008 06:24:42 PST 's journal, and thought I should answer it, myself... just for fun. <3

Please, answer these questions, too! They're fun!

~ * ~

1)If you could be any mythological creature, what would you be?

I would be an intelligent politician.

2)If you could have any super power what would it be?

I would be Kevin Spacey.

3)If you could transport yourself and live in any story’s plot/imaginative world, what would it be?

Definitely the Scarlet Pimpernel/A Tale of Two Cities. Though I would probably end up getting beheaded first thing. It’s just my luck… if I didn’t have bad luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all.

4)If you could speak to one kind of animal, what would that species be, yo?

Men.

5) What historical person would you love to sit and have lunch with?

Maximilien Robespierre. We would have tea and I would ask him how to spell his name.

]]> ~CilliansChainsaw http://CilliansChainsaw.deviantart.com/journal/16734167/ http://CilliansChainsaw.deviantart.com/journal/16734167/ Tue, 05 Feb 2008 05:58:28 PST
In Short: A band of Republican Irishmen battle out their separate views of independence from England in war-torn 1920’s-era Ireland.

Most Memorable Quote: “I didn’t want to get into this war, and I did. Now I try to get out, and I can’t.”


Ebert and Roeper gave THIS two thumbs up? Jeez, SOMEBODY needs to get out more often.

This has to be one of the worst movies I’ve seen in my LIFE. It’s definitely up there with The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, The Covenant, Bee Movie, and The Hulk.

This film has no beginning, middle, or end, no character depth, no internal conflict, and no plot. The characters are not developed or likeable, and the movie is so repetitive in and of itself that you feel like you’re watching the same scene again and again and again. A group of young Irish Blarneys get their dander up, grab some guns, and massacre a group of opposing soldiers. Soldiers turn right around and attack a group of innocent Irishmen and women. Somebody turns their back on their country and is shot. And it begins again, and repeats, over and over. Incessantly.

Oh, yes, and there is pointless torture and a short implied sex scene. What more could you want in a movie?

Aye.

When I read an interview with Cillian Murphy in which he admitted that The Wind That Shakes The Barley “was not one of the most intellectually stimulating movies” he had ever done (or words to that effect), I thought it was going to have some good, un-intellectual fun in it. Turns out, what “not one of the most intellectually stimulating movies” means to those of us who are not, in fact, Cillian Murphy (which is most of us, I should hope), is, “this movie is A BORING, LOUSY PIECE OF – film.”

A-hem.

Anyways. On to the story.

Ireland, 1920’s. Damien and his brother Theodore are intelligent, attractive young men with bright futures ahead of them, Damien as a doctor of medicine with a lovely, spunky soon-to-be-fiancée, and Theodore as a businessman. But when English troops invade Ireland and begin mistreating the Irish people, Theodore is enraged, and swears an oath to protect Ireland, and even petite, level-headed Damien, after seeing an English troop beat three Irish train operators to a bloody pulp for not allowing them passage, is stirred into action, swearing the same oath his brother took to protect his beloved native Ireland at all costs.

And so it starts. The incessant shooting, torturing, burning, cutting, beating, slicing, and any other explicitly violent verbs one can think of. And don’t think of it as Rambo. Think of this as ten minutes of Rambo, stretched out over two hours. There you go. That’s The Wind that Shakes the Barley.

If you MUST have boring characters, at least make them have a little bit of a personality. Or at least make them laughable. Like Hannah from 28 Days Later… she has to be in the top ten for Most Boring Film Character, but you could laugh at her emotionless inquiry of, “Dad?” after her father is Infected and then shot multiple times. Or her stoned drawl of, “But I can’t SLEEEP.” I mean, please, at least give me something to grasp at. These Irish talk too quickly to ridicule.

There is no humour, there were no especially memorable quotes (the one at the top is the best one in the entire film. How sad is that?), there are no likeable characters, and there are no perks. Apparently, to the Irish, “strip down” means take off your jacket and vest, but keep on your shoes, pants, and undershirt.

By the way, my own half-brother, Cillian, is half-Irish, so don’t think I have anything against the Irish. I love them. My other half-siblings, Laeam and Moashi, are full Ozzie and half-American, respectively. Myself, I am half-Italian. Our father was an Ozzie, so we’re all at least half Australian. Sexy-sexy, no?

I can’t believe I payed $14.99 plus tax for this. Don’t make the same mistake I did.

]]> ~CilliansChainsaw http://CilliansChainsaw.deviantart.com/journal/16302615/ http://CilliansChainsaw.deviantart.com/journal/16302615/ Mon, 07 Jan 2008 14:55:19 PST
In Short: A young reporter listens to the life story of a supposed murderer and rapist, a well-reputed Professor of psychology, who may, or may not, be guilty of the crime for which he is going to be executed.

Most Memorable Quote: “Socrates was ugly, Plato was fat, and Aristotle was a prissy dresser!”


Never before has a film made me think like that. Nor an ending shocked me so.

I watched The Shipping News before this and my first thought was, “Gods, Kevin Spacey sucks at acting drunk!” But after seeing this film, where his character was not so much a one-time, stupid-afterwards drinker like his Quoyle in Shipping News, but a down-and-out, can’t-stay-sober sympathetic character, I have a lot more respect for his range of characters.

Of course, this is the third Kevin Spacey movie I’ve seen where his character had some kind of tragedy or consequence befall him because of his or his family members’ drinking habits (the others being Pay It Forward and The Shipping News), but not all is lost, is it? He can always relapse back into playing intelligent quasi-extraterrestrials or super-villains, now can’t he? (Or Democratic lawyers… teehee.)

But he never gets laid as intelligent quasi-extraterrestrials or super-villains. However, whenever he plays someone whose life is affected by alcohol, he always gets some. Sometimes more than once. Sometimes with more than one woman.

Bow-chika-wow-wow.

And another thing I’ve noticed… you never see anything below the waistline on him uncovered. Not even in sex scenes. In fact, in many sex scenes, he seems to still have his clothes on. Who has sex with their clothes on? Apparently Kevin Spacey’s characters must have this kinky psychic ability to –

ANYWAYS.

The Life of David Gale may seem a lot like Silence of the Lambs or even, if thought about correctly, Party Monster. But it’s different, because in both Silence of the Lambs and Party Monster, the character on death row has been proven guilty without a doubt, whereas in The Life of David Gale, the character of David Gale has been proven guilty by iffy evidence, supported by a shitty lawyer, and is altogether much more likeable than either Hannibal Lector or Michael Alig. Especially Michael Alig.

The Life of David Gale begins with Bitsy Bloom, a young reporter who is notorious for doing time behind bars for withholding evidence, therefore hindering due process. She has been requested to write an article about the life story of David Gale, who has three days to tell her everything he wants her to know about himself before he is executed for the rape and murder of his best friend, co-worker, and, towards the end, lover, Constance – about how he was framed for rape when he was working at a Texas university; about how he and Constance worked for a non-profit organization called “DeathWatch” that supported the outlawing of the Death Penalty; about how his wife left him for a man in Spain, spirited away his child, and sold his house; about how, even after his name was cleared in the rape case, his drinking habit and his reputation hindered his finding of any worthwhile jobs; about how his life spiralled out of control due to his alcoholism, which he tried to stop by going to AA meetings but found that he was powerless to; and about how Constance had been dying of leukaemia the whole time and had never thought to tell him about it.

But most of all, about how he is being framed for a sick murder he did not commit.

But then strange things begin happening. The missing tape from the murder scene, the one that details the crime as a whole, is missing – but suddenly, a short clip of it appears in Bitsy’s hotel room. Soon, all the pieces start fitting together, in a whole new light, but time is running out, and there is still much more evidence to collect. Can Bitsy get the evidence needed to prove her new theory on the crime, or will David Gale go to his death with the name he worked so hard to preserve smeared with the blood of someone Bitsy is convinced he did not kill?

The Life of David Gale impressed me, it made me laugh, it made me think, it made me… sad. I don’t cry in films. It’s just not my thing. I don’t get scared in films, either, which is why I hate horror films. They bore me. Except for the 28 Days Later franchise. Which is still my favourite film. After five years – it will be six in November – that’s pretty good, I should think. But that’s not the point. Romance films bore me, super-chilling horror films bore me, big sci-fi films where there’s more technology and creature-robot-type characters than human interaction bore me. I like thrillers. I like adv... ]]> ~CilliansChainsaw http://CilliansChainsaw.deviantart.com/journal/16302584/ http://CilliansChainsaw.deviantart.com/journal/16302584/ Mon, 07 Jan 2008 14:53:12 PST
In Short: After an automobile accident leaves him mentally handicapped, Chris Pratt’s only job option is as a janitor at a bank, but, seduced by the promise of romance and riches, he is soon lured into a plot to rob the bank at which he works.

Most Memorable Quote: “And then… Goldilocks gets eaten by a fuckin’ wolf. Or hit by a truck. I don’t fuckin’ remember.”


Isn’t it nice when things DON’T end up happily ever after?

Isn’t it nice when a character’s major flaw ISN’T the lack of ability to find love?

Well, here it is, folks.

The Lookout begins with a young high-school hockey star, Chris Pratt, on the night of the prom. He, his girlfriend, Kelly, and two friends are driving along an old abandoned road at night. Chris wants to show Kelly something special, so he turns off the car’s headlights and drives in the dark. They look, and all around them are little white lights floating in the air – fireflies. It’s beautiful, it’s romantic, it’s serene – then Chris turns the lights back on and sees a roadblock parked right in front of their speeding car.

CRASH.

Four years later…

“I wake up. I take a shower with soap. I shave. Sometimes I cry for no reason. I look out the window to see what to wear. I eat breakfast. I don’t read the paper, because it confuses me, and being confused makes me angry.”

Chris Pratt has acquired severe short-term memory loss and a induced form of Tourette’s from the car wreck, and now must write down in a little notebook everything he does and must remember to do and say that day. He works the night shift as a janitor at a small bank in town, where he is visited nightly by a young, cheerful policeman who brings by a doughnut for him every night and converses with him on the state of things, including the fact that his wife is about to have their first child. She’s even given him a pager so she can beep him immediately if she goes into labour while he’s on his shift.

Chris has been paired up, by the “special assistance facility” at which he receives treatment for his mental handicap, with a smart-mouthed blind guitarist, Lewis, who dreams of opening a restaurant. Chris and Lewis make something of a very poorly matched Odd Couple, and, though they do seem to be friends, Lewis’ acceptance of his handicap and smooth-operator way of speaking drives Chris, who is socially awkward and in denial about his own shortcoming, up the wall.

One night, while moping in a bar, Chris is approached by a smooth-talking shifty-type who claims to know him from school and to have once dated his sister. Chris believes him, and is intrigued by the easy way this asthmatic Romeo seems to have a special talent for picking up beautiful girls. The man introduces Chris to one of his “associates” flirty, flighty Luvlee Lemons. After laying Luvlee and being invited to one of the sleazy group’s parties, Chris suddenly finds that these people are not who they seemed at first – they are high-stakes criminals, and their intent is to rob the bank he works at – and get him to be their lookout.

The Lookout is not for everyone. It does have moments where the characters meet unfair and un-called-for ends, where Chris breaks down and cries tragically, and a few rather graphic moments, both sexual and violent. The entire format of the film is similar to that of the indie film, Brick, though it does have its Shooter moments. And if you’re hoping for something smart, with car-chases, cyber thieves, and a happy ending, I would not recommend this. If you want that, go for National Treasure or Firewall. Both good – both under the “R” rating.

Oh, and in case I didn’t mention it before, Joseph Gordon-Levitt is “like, teh secks.”

I would recommend renting this film from the library. Or, if you have one, one of those dollar-a-night machines. It’s worth a dollar to see. I’m just not sure if it was worth my ten dollars to purchase.

Oh, yeah. What happened to the other people in the car? Well, two of them died, and one lost a leg. Isn’t that romantic?

]]> ~CilliansChainsaw http://CilliansChainsaw.deviantart.com/journal/16302563/ http://CilliansChainsaw.deviantart.com/journal/16302563/ Mon, 07 Jan 2008 14:51:53 PST
In Short: A kind-hearted father and his small daughter move to the Newfoundland countryside of their ancestors after a tragic accident, where he must learn to fit in, and hopefully heal.

Most Memorable Quote: “My father raped his little sister, and then he taught me to swim.”


Note to Kevin Spacey: never, ever drink. EVER.

Because if you suck that badly at pretending, I don’t even WANT to see the real thing.

And to anyone who watched Lord of the Rings and thinks Cate Blanchett is just this well of elf-like beauty, poise, love and grace – HA.

The story of The Shipping News starts with Quoyle, a young-ish man who has seen himself as a failure all his life because, as a young boy, his father pushed him into the river to teach him how to swim, but he never learned. After that, his outlook on life had been totally destroyed, and he aspired to minimalism, getting sleep-inducing jobs as a ticket-checker, a dish-washer, and an ink setter. But one day, while on his way home after a particularly unsatisfactory day at his workplace, scruffy, worldly-naïve Quoyle sees a man and a beautiful young woman arguing, and, before he knows it, the woman has let herself into his car and is telling him to drive, which he does. Over a cheap meal, the woman introduces herself as “etal”, and seduces Quoyle, telling him that she wants to fuck him – then and there. After a rousing round, Quoyle confesses his love to her. She is the best thing to ever happen to him in his disappointing life.

Soon after, Petal begrudgingly bears him the child she conceived during their round of sex – a beautiful baby girl, whom they name Bunny. Quoyle soon finds himself the lone caretaker for Bunny, as Petal is constantly at bars, or hooking up with other men and bringing them home for one-night stands. Soon, Quoyle gets a call from his father telling him that he and Quoyle’s mother had committed suicide, because they decided “it was about time”. When Quoyle tells Petal that he has been left with nothing, she decides to run away with her current boyfriend, taking Bunny with them and leaving Quoyle alone.

Quoyle reports this to the police, and soon his wife and daughter are found. His daughter is returned to him – but his wife is dead. After selling Bunny to a black-market adoption agency for six thousand dollars, Petal and her boyfriend took a slippery bridge road, lost control of the car, and cascaded off the side, their car getting caught on the railing, both dying on contact. Quoyle is then visited by the sister of his late father, who takes him and his little daughter back to Newfoundland with her to get to know the land their ancestors originated from – and hopefully to help him and his daughter heal from their scarred past.

For the first twenty minutes of the film, it was very good. VERY good. Quoyle was one of the most sympathetic characters I have ever seen in any film I’ve ever watched. And, as he begins to grow as a person and become something more than just a failure, you would think he would grow to be an even more likeable character – independent, a better father, successful. Instead, Quoyle, as he gains independence and gets to know the people and the land around him, becomes a whiny, bratty little bitch. If something goes wrong, he has to complain to someone about it. If something horrible happens, he can’t just learn to let it go, he has to yell at someone about it – usually someone who had nothing to do with it in the first place.

And Bunny? Bunny is cute, but MAN is she bizarre. Petal told her once that “Daddy is boring”, and from them on, she has judged everything as being “boring”, from her doll, which she destroys in a fit of anger, to the children of the village, including the retarded child of the woman in which Quoyle develops an interest – but pretty much destroys any chance of being with by drinking himself stupid and trying to rape her, then passing out on her kitchen floor.

Did I mention Kevin Spacey sucks at acting drunk?

I would not recommend purchasing this film. I did, and I wasted a whole eight dollars. However, the soundtrack is phenomenal, full of the sounds of native Newfoundland. If the plot of the film, however, intrigues you, then you should perhaps rent it – if you can find it.

]]> ~CilliansChainsaw http://CilliansChainsaw.deviantart.com/journal/16143931/ http://CilliansChainsaw.deviantart.com/journal/16143931/ Fri, 28 Dec 2007 19:43:21 PST
In Short: A convict from the future is given the treacherous assignment of travelling to the past in order to stop an army that calls itself “The Twelve Monkeys” from creating a pandemic that would eliminate five billion people.

Most Memorable Quote: “I was thinking of tearing the bars out and EATING THEM! Yes, EATING THEM!”

So it’s true. Angelina has finally driven Brad insane.

And I’m not talking “I come from the planet K-PAX and I travel on a beam of light, look for the bluebird of happiness” kind of insane. Oh, no. This is cackling, flicking people off for no apparent reason, hiding inside his shirt, ripping apart down pillows with his teeth, mooning guards, jumping on beds, screaming at old people insane.

Oh, and Bruce Willis drools. A lot. Which is more interesting than anything Brad Pitt could possibly do.

For a guy who has made a name for himself playing characters who make a point of not being knocked around, and who is usually the only person who has half a brain and knows how to keep calm in a state of crisis, Bruce Willis has certainly cracked just as much. He splashes around in a little pool of water, like Carey Grant in Singin’ in the Rain, shouting to the night, “I LOVE THIS PLANET! I LOVE THIS AIR!”

Yeah, he’s finally cracked, too.

But that’s not the point.

The story begins with a futuristic convict, named James Cole (Willis), who has a recurring dream of a tragedy that takes place at an airport that he experienced as a child. He wakes up, and is “volunteered” by a Big Brother-type board of scientists to go out into the upper world, which has been completely deserted and overrun with animals. He must don a huge, ridiculous suit, and then go out to collect samples – living samples – in this post-apocalyptic winter wonderland. When he returns, he is sent to sit before a jury of scientists who tell him that he has been volunteered for a very treacherous mission.

We soon discover that this mission is a trip to the past, where Cole is apprehended by the police and taken in for questioning by a sexy psychiatrist. Cole realizes that the scientists sent him to a time period six years before the one he was supposed to be sent to, and when he tries to tell this to the psychiatrist, she determines that his claim that the time in which they now exist is the past means that he must be insane, and sends him to a mental institution. There Cole meets a cock-eyed inmate (Pitt) who tries to help him escape, thinking his drug-induced babble about the end of times is prophecy. Cole escapes but is apprehended again, this time put into a escape-proof room… but he is soon spirited away by the scientists.

The scientists lock him in a room that he cannot get out of while they discuss his fate and eligibility to time-travel for them again. While he is locked up, he hears a voice that tells him that he is being watched through a tiny insert the scientists had made in his molars. He does not think much of it now, because soon the scientists come to get him. This time, the scientists send him back in time to World War One, where he encounters another of his jail mates, who has also been sent back in time, and is injured. He is then sent to the correct time, 1996, but now he realizes that he does not want to live like this anymore.

Meanwhile, the sexy psychiatrist that he had met six years earlier had taken an interest in apocalyptic studies since her encounter with him, and is holding a lecture on the science of the apocalypse. While there, she is approached by an imposing red-headed doctor (Morse), who reveals to her his own deep, distressing thoughts on the apocalypse with an eerie grin on his face. She thinks nothing of it, until she meets up again with Cole, who has decided that the only way he can fulfil his mission is if she helps him.

If I were to tell you any more, I would give the film away!

There’s not much film TO give away, but… c’est la vie, I suppose. *le sigh*

But I can say that the film was NOT nearly as good as I would have hoped. Though I must admit that Brad Pitt, towards whom I have a fiery, intense repulsion, did rather impress me with his performance. Of course he had a contact lens in that helped a WHOLE lot, but even without the lens Pitt would have done a superb job being… well, a lunatic. He was, to say the least, crazy. And very convincingly so.

The plot was alright. The way it played out, however, was confusing, full of holes and unexplained, random toss-ins, and the HAIR – don’t get me started on the hair. This was a nineties film, and it would NOT let you forget that. Brightly bottle-coloured, long, poorly fas... ]]> ~CilliansChainsaw http://CilliansChainsaw.deviantart.com/journal/16143855/ http://CilliansChainsaw.deviantart.com/journal/16143855/ Fri, 28 Dec 2007 19:35:25 PST
In Short: After he is framed for killing his partner, ace hostage negotiator Danny Roman is forced to take hostages, matching wits with another ace negotiator who is in almost the same calibre he is and trying to convince him of the truth.

Most Memorable Quote: “She didn’t call you fat, she called you… a much worse word.”

Damn. Just when I thought X-2 was the best cast I’d ever seen.

Gotta give them credit, those middle-aged guys can really tear it up. Give them a little leg room – and a few stunt doubles – and they will really get the party started.

Except David Morse. Who can’t dance worth shit. But that’s not the point – not many people who are 6’4 can. Well. Extra love for trying, though.

The story of The Negotiator starts out with Danny Roman (Jackson), a top hostage negotiator, talking down a man who has a gun to his daughter’s head, saying he’ll kill himself and her if the police don’t get him his wife. Roman talks the man into letting him inside, where he leads him to the window and the police take the man down. From there, Roman goes to a congratulatory party, where his partner tells him that there was a group of police who were doing some dirty business, stealing more than two million dollars out of the handicap fund.

His partner makes plans to meet up with him later up that night, but before Roman reaches the designated meeting-place, his partner is shot, and the gun used for the killing is found in the river nearby with no fingerprints on it. Funny thing, though – it was a gun stolen from Danny’s division. Well! Now things are starting to heat up. When Roman goes to work the next day, people are shocked that he will even show his face, and when he goes to talk to someone who he is convinced played a large role in the scamming and in his framing and they tell him there is nothing they can do, because he, Roman, is guilty, Roman loses it and shuts down the building, taking the man and three other associates hostage – among them, “Smart-Mouthed Computer Geek Hostage” (Giamatti). When “Unusually Tall Policeman” (Morse) and the other people who originally worked with Roman ask him what he wants, he tells them that he will not accept any negotiator working with him except one: Chris Sabian.

Cut to Chris Sabian (Spacey), standing outside a door, negotiating a disagreement between his teeny-bopper daughter and his offended wife. That’s when he gets the call – and the thing is, if he does not arrive within twenty minutes, Roman will kill one of the hostages. Sabian lives thirty minutes away. When Sabian finally arrives, he speaks to Roman and discovers that Roman wants just one thing – to uncover the truth behind the scandal, his partner’s murder, and his own innocence. And he thinks Sabian, not being a part of Roman’s own, crooked shield force, is the only one who can help him.

Now, this movie was good. And I mean, good. Good. So good I wanted to have it in my personal collection. (You know, right next to Twelve Monkeys. Gawd, what a waste of six bucks. No, no, “Negotiator” would go right after “Merlin’s Apprentice” and right before “Nickelback”. *OCD twitch*) Anyways, the performances were… good, and the story was very good (notice the use of the quasi-positive adjective, rather than sparkling words). I was, however, immensely shocked to see David Morse tower over Samuel L. Jackson and Kevin Spacey… and the rest of the cast.

MORSE: I’m sorry, am I standing in your light?

SPACEY: Betch, I give off my own light.

Anyways. I would recommend renting this – strongly recommend it – and, if you like it well enough, then I would recommend buying it. It’s a good film, well shot, well scripted, well planned out, with excellent cast (there! A sparkling word.) and good characters.

]]> ~CilliansChainsaw http://CilliansChainsaw.deviantart.com/journal/15404818/ http://CilliansChainsaw.deviantart.com/journal/15404818/ Wed, 07 Nov 2007 11:12:30 PST
Amy, if you're reading this, yes, that's a horrible pun on bonne idee.

Hooray for French.

Yeah, all my mates do personal updates in their journals, so I thought I'd go on a random rant in mine to tell everyone what I've been up to.

I got my first professional acting check! A twelve-hour work day with Kevin Spacey (American Beauty, Superman Returns), Denis Leary (Ice Age, Rescue Me), Bob Balaban (Lady in the Water), and a bunch of others. AH! It was AH-MAY-ZEENG. Eighty-five dollars for twelve hours (and a little overtime).

Kevin Spacey... emenates this aura of "I have reached Nirvana". He is so calm and soft-spoken... and sweet. But very down-to-earth and business-like. He hardly said a word, but when he first came out, he kept looking at me, so I decided to have an ESP conversation (have you ever had a conversation with someone where you don't say a word, but you say everything through your expressions? That's what we had.)

KEVIN: * You look enthused... *

ME: * Hi! *

KEVIN: * ...Hi! *

ME: * It's hot out! *

KEVIN: * I wouldn't know. I've been indoors for the past seven hours. *

ME: * Lucky. I'm sweating up a storm. But I'm not complaining. *

KEVIN: * That's good. I'm going to smoke my cigarette now. Hold on, let me light up. *

ME: *Patient*

KEVIN: * Alright, got it. *

ME: * I LOVED American Beauty. - Geez, some of these people keep complaining about the weather! They knew what the schedule was when they signed up. *

KEVIN: * I hate people like that. *

ME: * I know, right? - That's my mother, right there, the reporter with the braided bun. *

KEVIN: * I can't see her. I'm going to go over in this direction to smoke. *

ME: * Okay. *

KEVIN: * Alright, I'm done. I'm going inside now. *

ME: * WHAT?! NO! *

KEVIN: * Uhm, yes. It's hot outside. Goodbye. *

~ * ~

And he went inside. Bitch.

]]> ~CilliansChainsaw http://CilliansChainsaw.deviantart.com/journal/15098693/ http://CilliansChainsaw.deviantart.com/journal/15098693/ Wed, 17 Oct 2007 08:34:31 PDT is doing it, so I thought it might be kinda neat if I did it, too.

I'm not sure why... I guess because my Caption Contest was FAIL, but I'm going to be doing this instead of the Caption Contest... so whoever has the most points answering questions from here (I will be tallying next Monday), will get a free sketch.

*sigh* I'm really pissed off right now because the kid sitting three seats down is being a complete asshole. A REAL asshole. And isn't helping. Don't you hate it when people do that?

Alright, here is the quiz:

1:. What is 's favourite movie?

2:. What was the last movie I reviewed, and what grade did I give it?

3:. I have reviewed lots and lots of films... of all the films I have reviewed, what one actor or actress has appeared the most?

4:. What movie did this quote come from: "I couldn't take America. It's like fuckin' Albania in neon."

5:. I have a fursona. What is his/her name and what species is he/she?

6:. I have three brothers. What are their names and what are they in relation to me (younger or older)?

7:. About what movie did I say: Not a great movie for anyone who likes a story that doesn't make you leave the theatre asking yourself and the four or five people next to you, "Did I fall asleep? Did you see the same movie I did?"

8:. When was the last time I had a REAL cryfest? And why do I cry so seldom?

9:. What is 's favourite game?

10:. What's my real name?

11:. What is my favourite book?


Please send me a note with this info, do NOT post it as a response to this journal.

Have fun!

]]> ~CilliansChainsaw http://CilliansChainsaw.deviantart.com/journal/14868985/ http://CilliansChainsaw.deviantart.com/journal/14868985/ Mon, 01 Oct 2007 10:55:28 PDT
Basically, what we have here is a little reference of how my system works with real money as opposed to online (Gaia) money, or, for those of you who only live on DA and not Gaia (more power to you!), what everything is worth anyways, if you want to pay for a commission.

Or something to that effect.

The currency exchange system goes as such:

[Below rates are based on what I have been offered for the art of that value in the past]

ALL BELOW ARE FOR SKETCHES. NOT PHOTOSHOP.

One Character, Halfbody: 15,ooo: $1o

One Character, Fullbody: 25,ooo g:. $15

Two Characters, Halfbody: 3o,ooo g:. $2o

Two Characters, Fullbody: 5o,ooo g:. $3o

[And so on, adding $15 for each fullbody character, $1o for each halfbody.]

SKETCHED MANGA/DOJIN PAGES.

One Full Page Manga/Dojin: 1oo,ooo g:. $45

[Adding $25 for each additional page.]

FOR PHOTOSHOP, DOUBLE THE SKETCH PRICES.

]]> ~CilliansChainsaw http://CilliansChainsaw.deviantart.com/journal/14542844/ http://CilliansChainsaw.deviantart.com/journal/14542844/ Sat, 08 Sep 2007 09:10:49 PDT for some reason... and so now I have to post eight random facts about myself. So here they are.

1. Movies and the movie industry are my LIFE. I know about, have seen, and sometimes am enamored with movies that no one else has ever seen or heard of, and some movies that have no right to exist (i.e., Ma Mere). I am a champion at Six Degrees (yes, this counts as part of the same fact... anyone care to challenge me?)

2. I like things that other people seem to find disagreeable or that makes them uncomfortable. I am a stolid supporter of comedic mysoginy (I am a woman, I can make fun of myself all I want), characters with major flaws (I love alcoholics, they just make my day over and over again), and homosexuality (Brokeback Mountain, anyone?)

3. I have finally come to the conclusion that it's a WAGGEDY tail.

4. I read comic books, and have read them for years. Yes, the ones from the sixties, like Superman (Lex Luther love), Batman (Scarecrow FTW), Spider-Man (Venom is teh sex), The Fantastic Four (Silver Surfer, baby), X-Men (Jason Wyngarde is my favourite), and all that jazz. While the rest of America's youth was Pokemon-crazy, I got my little hands on those comics and haven't let go since. ...I just noticed that all my favourite comic book characters are villains. o_@

5. I've got famous family. I'm related to Freddie Boath (The Mummy Returns), Robert Duvall (Gods and Generals), and Alfred Molina (Spider-Man 2). I've spoken with Haley Joel Osment (he's a short little motherfucker, tell you what!)

6. I got asked this question just yesterday: why do you like Kevin Spacey? Well, I'll answer that here, since I'm running out of interesting facts. Why not? Kevin Spacey is an amazing actor. He has a kind face, a little like a mutt if you analyze it correctly; he's not skinny and he's not buff, like most of Hollywood's men today; and he just gives off intelligence in waves. He seems like he would be a nice guy to hug if you met him on the street. I mean, Kevin Spacey, to me, is just the epitome of the intelligent, kind teacher. Not father; but teacher. Unless, of course, you watch American Beauty or Superman Returns. Then there's a whole different Kevin Spacey. But watch Pay it Forward or K-PAX, and you'll see what I mean.

7. THEY'RE NOT ZOMBIES.

8. I have a bad habit of making bad things happen to good people in my fanfictions/stories/pictures. Just look at the pictures of Lupin in my gallery. But at least he isn't [SPOILER].

9. I can't count.

]]> ~CilliansChainsaw http://CilliansChainsaw.deviantart.com/journal/13926398/ http://CilliansChainsaw.deviantart.com/journal/13926398/ Sun, 29 Jul 2007 11:30:03 PDT
In Short: Fifty years into the future, the sun is going out, and a crew of eight astronauts from all over the world are sent up into space to try to reignite it using an atomic bomb with the power capacity of the city of Manhattan.

In a Word: Beautiful.

Distressing. Disturbing. Enlightening. Magnificent. Chilling. Monumental. Any of these words could be used to describe Sunshine, but above all of them, I chose “beautiful.” Haunting and incredibly true to human nature, Danny Boyle – in my opinion the best director of the twenty-first century, with previous works such as Trainspotting (1996), 28 Days Later (2oo2), and Millions (2oo6) – once again serves up a psychological masterpiece that makes art out of what any other director would have turned into a gratuitously violent sci-fi/disaster flick.

But all is not well. This film is not suitable for a large majority of people. Frightening, dark, morbid, and exceedingly – almost excessively – upsetting, this film explores every dark corner of the human mind, from obsession to loathing to suicide, with an unflinching and unforgiving nature. Like 28 Days Later before it, there was no gratuitous material in this film; all the language was in context, as was all the violence; there was no sex, but a sweet, budding romance (who has time for sex in space anyways? Apparently other films do, but Sunshine, with its all-too-human nature, reveals that there is no time for anything but constant work and worry – even sleep is a luxury). However, also like 28 Days Later before it, no one is safe, and no one is assured to make it out of the film alive. Every second a character is fighting to survive, and sometimes, they lose that fight.

Sunshine follows the story of Robert Capa (a stellar performance – no pun intended – by Irish actor Cillian Murphy), a physics and computer expert, and a crew of mismatched, but highly skilled, astronauts, as they go into space to try to reignite the sun, which is dying, using Capa’s much-prided life’s work, an immense bomb with the power capacity equal to the city of Manhattan. They are the crew of the fated Icarus II (an ominous name for anyone who remembers the legend of Icarus, who made himself a pair of wings from wax and feathers; he flew too close to the sun, his wings burned off, and he fell into the ocean and drowned), sent up to complete the task after the first mission, the Icarus I, vanished seven years prior while trying to complete the same task. The crew is made up of astronauts of all different ethnicities (except for African-Americans, which was odd – however, the crew of the Icarus I did have African-Americans aboard), and almost all of them get along just fine; however, there is some tension between Capa and the engineer of the journey (whose name, on or off screen, I cannot seem to remember; however, it is the same actor who played Johnny Storm in the Fantastic Four movies).

The astronauts were sent up into space frozen in a thermal hibernation, and have only just been woken by the ship’s super-smart computer, whose smooth, female voice responds to “Icarus” and who is a strange, but chilling, mix of Hal from 2oo1: A Space Odyssey and VIKI from I, Robot. In fact, the whole film feels a bit like 2oo1: A Space Odyssey, but its artistic, horrific nature makes it a far-shot from the slightly disturbing sci-fi film. In this mission, the astronauts, having just woken up, are told a seriously unsettling truth: the crew is about to enter the “dead zone” – the deep recesses of space where even their most advanced sciences cannot keep a radio connection to Earth, and so each crew member is told to make one last message to send home. Only Capa’s message is shown, but it is very human, very real, almost touching in its simplicity, in its certainty and hope.

Now with no way to communicate with home, the astronauts find other ways to calm their jilted nerves: one member establishes a morbid fascination with the sun, staring at it through a filter for hours on end; the biologist devotes herself entirely to the ship’s oxygen garden, regarding it as if it were her own child; while other members of the crew associate themselves with the ship, its controls, and their stations and responsibilities. But soon, pent-up energy and frustration makes a fight break out between Capa and the engineer, which has to be broken up by the psychologist. From that point on, Capa and the engineer are rivals.

The flight of Icarus II seems to be going according to plan until tragedy strikes: two of the ship’s attachments malfunction, causing a fire in the oxygen garden. When the flames are done destroying the garden, the crew’s oxygen level is far too low to support all eight astronauts on the trip to the sun and back to Ea... ]]> ~CilliansChainsaw http://CilliansChainsaw.deviantart.com/journal/13743759/ http://CilliansChainsaw.deviantart.com/journal/13743759/ Sun, 15 Jul 2007 11:40:23 PDT
Yeah, The Remus Lupins.

…

Don’t look at me that way! So I’m a Lupin junkie, shut up!

But anyways, when the name of the band comes up, the first thing that comes to mind is, “Oh, he’s a gentle guy, this is going to be soft happy music.” But what have I been telling all of you about mid-life crisis? Well… this is beyond Lupin mid-life crisis. This is Lupin entering the point in his life where he has moved beyond mid-life crisis to trying to retrieve a coconut by climbing the palm tree himself (thank you, Keith Richards). This is crazy death-metal. The kind where the girls in the mosh pit rip off their shirts and throw them onstage. Except, they were performing their… music, in a library, so the girls jumping up and down in front of the stage like whores had to keep their shirts on. And there were about… twenty people there. So the mosh pit was about… ten people. Yeah. I was definitely NOT moshing.

But it was not all bad. Note the word, ALL. I did enjoy a rather gay rendition of Kelly Clarkson’s “Since U Been Gone” sung by two guys posing as Lucius Malfoy and Voldemort. And the opening band, Catchlove, had a great track called “I Told You So,” which had pretty bad lyrics, but a great beat (kinda makes one want to get up and do the Robot). Also, The Remus Lupins had a track called “Snape” whose chorus was basically screaming out, “SNAPE SUCKS!” which was amusing, to say the least.

The lead singer, who was supposed to be Remus (he even acted like him), was really hot – and he really looked like a teenaged Remus, as he's supposed to in the book. *melts*

There was one point where I completely embarrassed myself... it was totally silent, and the lead singer said, "This is a song I wrote about my love for Lily, even though she went and dated my best friend instead." and – this was a total reflex, I kid you not, it was so embarrassing – I said, without even looking up from my sketchbook, but loud enough for everyone to hear me, "Ha, that's funny... 'cause Remus is gay." The lead singer turned and stared at me, totally mortified, and everyone else turned and looked at me, shocked that I had said that. Then the band started to play and everyone forgot about me... I think. Which was really, REALLY good for me.

It does NOT pay to be a shipper at these kinds of things.

I bought all three of their CD’s, and they SUCK. It isn’t the same heavy-metal as they are live, and so I’m sitting here listening to gay-ass acoustic. But at least they look nice. And there is a hilarious bonus track on “Spells from a Broken Wand” that is basically six minutes of the band shouting “Harry Potter”, “Ronald Weasley” and “Hermione” at random intervals, sometimes in falsetto, while strumming on the guitar and banging randomly on a tambourine, and screaming random Harry Potter-related lines, like, “What are you doing?! You can’t Apparate off this campus!” So that was worth the cash I paid.

I’m going to see them again this Saturday, along with a shitload of other wizard rock* bands. Fun stuff.

*Wizard Rock: geeks with no life who leech money out of libraries by making horrible music that has to do with Harry Potter and then making cheap shirts and records to sell for ridiculous prices. I once had one of those four years ago, and we kicked ass. We had a hit song, “Up To No Good,” but then my mum sold my bass guitar and we had to split.

]]> ~CilliansChainsaw http://CilliansChainsaw.deviantart.com/journal/13730114/ http://CilliansChainsaw.deviantart.com/journal/13730114/ Sat, 14 Jul 2007 07:59:10 PDT
In Short: As our young protagonist turns fifteen, he faces another year of education at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, all the while juggling a load of conflicting interests – a secret organization of freedom fighters known as the Order of the Phoenix that includes all of Harry’s old allies, teachers, and friends; a miffing cold shoulder from Dumbledore, the only man who had ever really listened to Harry; and a new teacher with the Ministry behind her who is hell-bent on hating Harry and disproving everything he stands for.

In a Word: Magical

Before I say anything else, I want to present a new concept to my reviews: the Stamp of Approval.

The Stamp of Approval is something very rare, because, as you all know, I am stubborner than a mule and most times refuse to change my views on things. But anyways, what the Stamp of Approval is, is that whenever I have made up my mind to have a lifelong hate of an actor or actress in a certain role, such as my undying, passionate hate for Anne Hathaway (alright, so I hate Anne Hathaway in every role, but she was the first actress I hated that came to mind), and then they prove themselves in a film, playing the SAME CHARACTER that I originally hated them for, I award them the Stamp of Approval. Which is a very big honour. If only they knew. Or cared.

So anyways, for this film, the Stamp of Approval goes to…

Gary Oldman, for his reprisal of the role of Sirius Black.

Alright, so he’s little and old and he’s got the face of a perky monkey. I know he is not Sirius Black in the slightest – trust me, I spent YEARS complaining about it after the 3rd Harry Potter film – but there was something about his watery, welcoming eyes that just… Aw, who am I kidding? He punched out Lucius Malfoy. Gary Oldman, APPROVED!

…Yeah, as you can tell, that was my favourite part of the entire film. I am so shallow.

But anyways, the film was superbly made. Short, yes. Edited, yes. Daniel Radcliffe… unfortunately, yes. But besides all that, the movie was brilliant. The score was sweeping and moving, though I don’t remember it ever fading into the classic “Hedwig’s Theme”. For people who have read the books, it may pinch at your psyche from time to time, like, “that’s not supposed to be like that…” or “what happened to…?” but for the most part, you’ll be able to shrug it off. It was shot in yellow at the very start of the film, which gave it a “this is too happy to be Order of the Phoenix” feel, making the expectant watcher want to fall asleep before the film even started, but almost instantly, as soon as Dudley (who looks remarkably like an old friend of mine with his new hairstyle) and his gang show up and start bullying our protagonist, things get a little bit darker. Alright, a lot darker. As in, dementors darker.

Yeah, dementors. Stupid-looking skeletal things with wispy little skirts floating around their bases that look more like wasted-away mummies than dementors, but I must say, the hands on these beasties were MUCH better than the boring, knobbly hands of the nasties in the third film (which I still will not acknowledge as existing. We are blood enemies.) In fact, a lot of the things that were bungled in the third film were fixed in this one, like, well… Gary Oldman as Sirius Black. Though he did have that crazy foreign film villain moustache going on… oh, well. Speaking of crazy foreign film villain moustaches, they cut back on David Thewlis’ intense ‘stache by making it a little thinner and adding scruff around his jaw, making him a lot… fluffier than he was in the third film.

What was David Thewlis doing in that third film, anyways? Hanging out? And where was Remus Lupin the whole time? See, that’s why I hated the third film… that… doesn’t exist. They cut out a lot of the story and put things in there that did not belong. If it really existed, which it doesn’t, it would have pissed me off immensely. But it doesn’t exist. So all is well.

*twitch*

But to the story of Order of the Phoenix. Order starts out with Harry wandering off away from the Dursleys’ and hanging out at the local park, watching the “normal” kids play. He is immediately set upon by a gang of bullies, led by his podgy cousin Dudley, who all tease him about his parents, but then everything gets dark and Harry and Dudley run for home, only to be intercepted by dementors on the way. Harry saves them with a bit... ]]> ~CilliansChainsaw http://CilliansChainsaw.deviantart.com/journal/13612167/ http://CilliansChainsaw.deviantart.com/journal/13612167/ Wed, 04 Jul 2007 19:59:14 PDT
In Short: A gang of martial-arts experts faces up against their Big Brother-type arch-nemesis when one of their own turns on them.

In a Word: Seizuretastic

I have ALWAYS wanted to use that word, and now I can!

Praise Julia (Karneval), she is God.

Well, no, Morgan Freeman is God, but…

Well, you get it.

Anyways, the story of the Purifiers goes like this: a “gang” of British, Irish, Scottish, whatever people get together to do their martial arts practices after their daily dose of stopping crime for the day – one person. So here they are, and all of them are pretty good, except Dominic Monaghan’s character, Sol, who sucks. I guess the people in this film did their own stunts. So anyways, then they all get together to play pool and one of them randomly pulls out a letter. “Hey,” he says, “Moses wants all the gangs to come to this big meeting, where he’s going to try to lure us into his ways but we will ultimately say no and a big fight of good versus evil will occur and we will win because we’re the good guys, obviously stated as being so by our goody-goody gang name.”

Alright, so he didn’t actually say that, but that’s pretty much how it came out.

So they ride the train to where Moses is, and, lo and behold, Moses uses his creepy-ass (though poorly acted) powers of persuasion to try to lure everyone into his big family (is anyone else sensing Big Brother, 1984, or is that just me?) and the Purifiers, because they are the only voices of reason (so it wants us to believe) are the only ones who say no. So they are excused, and are told to take the train home. But, oops, they get separated from Sol, so they have to take the train back. One explosion and lots of choreography ensues. A big good-versus-evil fight takes place. Somebody gets choked to death and Dominic Monaghan is a necrophiliac. Not in that order.

Basically, this film made me want to split my head like a watermelon and grind it up in the blender. The entire film – and I am not exaggerating here – was shot in either slow-motion, split-screen, or with strobe lights. No exceptions. The acting was terrible, and even the fight scenes couldn’t make it worth watching, because they were what was in slow-motion. I am surprised I gave it such a high rating. I guess I’m just nice.

And I want Dominic Monaghan for one of my films, so I have to be relatively nice with his other films.

Not worth renting, not worth buying, not worth looking at. Even the cover sucks. ]]> ~CilliansChainsaw http://CilliansChainsaw.deviantart.com/journal/13611925/ http://CilliansChainsaw.deviantart.com/journal/13611925/ Wed, 04 Jul 2007 19:36:47 PDT
In Short: A young rat with heightened senses of smell and taste is inspired to follow his dream of becoming a chef by a book written by his idol, titled, “Anyone Can Cook”.

In a Word: Magnifique

Now, I say this with as much reverence as I can. The truth is, the film was a little bit dark and sad, and, in all, if I were to be rating this film, I would have made it PG. There was a mention of the word “hell”, dead rats hanging in a store window, the protagonist having knives and cleavers thrown at him, being shot at, and being swept down a perilous drain, losing his friends and family, rats eating food that has been infected with rat poison, scenes of drinking and drunkenness, attempted murder of a husband, and a child born out of wedlock. Altogether, this is one of the darkest movies Pixar has ever made, beat only by the original Toy Story, where the wicked antagonist Sid tore toys apart and put them back together wrong.

But, on the bright side, Ratatouille did have its moments: ze itty-bitty bad guy, so French it’s funny; the geeky new chef falling in love with the spunky, pretty female chef; and all the French stereotypes (so I’m a little bit anti-French, so sue me).

This is the fifth movie in three years I have given an A grade to. Another one and it will be an average of two a year! I seem to have misplaced my black heart… does anybody know where I can buy I replacement?

Ratatouille follows the story of Remy, a little rat with a big dream, as he discovers his heightened senses and longs to be a real cook, inspired by the book, “Anyone Can Cook,” written by his idol, the great chef Geusteau (a barely recognizable but well-done voicing by comedian Brad Garrett – although, if you look closely, the chef does have Garret’s eyes. …erhaps I look TOO closely into these kinds of things). When Remy learns his idol has died, it breaks his heart – but he does not have much time to be sad over it. He is discovered by the human whose kitchen he has been frequenting, and, as Remy and the rest of the colony is fleeing, he is separated from his family. With no one to talk to, Remy begins talking to a figment of his imagination – a tiny, sparkling spectre of the departed Geusteau. It sounds a little strange, but it’s really quite charming.

From there, Remy discovers that he has been living under Paris, the greatest city in the world for people like himself, and that he is only a stone’s throw away from Geusteau’s restaurant. So he decides to check it out. Once there, he sees a new employee who has been commissioned to clean up, but who also longs to be a cook. The only problem is, the new boy is BAD, and when he tries to add his own personal touch to the soup, Remy instantly recognizes it as disaster. So, egged on by Geusteau-ghosty, Remy goes down to the kitchen and starts spicing up the soup.

But, just as he is adding the final ingredient, he is discovered – by the new boy. Only the new boy, Linguini, has seen Remy adding the ingredients to the soup, and so, when he is ordered to capture and kill the rat, Linguini spares Remy on the premise that he will join forces with Linguini, and, together, they will be the best chef in all of Paris.

Ratatouille is a charming film, though I’m not so sure it’s the best choice for going to see it with small children. Like I said before, there is lots of violence and many themes that are not suitable for small children, and which really should not have been given a “G” rating. Finding Nemo, yes, is a good one to be rated G, even though there is some blood in one scene, and even Mulan, with its war theme, is alright to receive the G rating – no gore or dead bodies are seen (specifically, though there is one shot of a battlefield strewn with discarded armour and lots of ominous fire, and Li Shang is seen being pierced in the chest with an arrow). But I suppose it’s one of those things like Dr. Seuss said – after a while, people stop reviewing your things and just send them through the same as always. Ratatouille I would recommend for boys over six and girls over eight. Had it not been for all that dark material, I would probably have given Ratatouille four out of four stars and an A (though I would never have given it an A+ – then it would have beaten out 28 Days Later, which is a great big NO-NO.)

But on the bright side, Ratatouille had a good story, lots of original and captivating little characters that you really rooted for, especially the awkward and easily susceptible new boy, Linguini, who, though he tried his hardest to become one of the kitchen, was never on the same level of competence as t... ]]> ~CilliansChainsaw http://CilliansChainsaw.deviantart.com/journal/13583930/ http://CilliansChainsaw.deviantart.com/journal/13583930/ Mon, 02 Jul 2007 20:42:16 PDT
In Short: A young transvestite searches for love and meaning in the ‘70’s, when turmoil in his native Ireland is at a high point.

In a Word: Fabulous

There is no other word.

The acting is fabulous. The costumes are fabulous. The story is fabulous. Even the music is fabulous (I’m listening to it as I’m writing this review. I bought the soundtrack). In all, Breakfast on Pluto is one of… four movies in three years that I have given an A. I would have done a review earlier (it came out in ’06), but I was so busy that I had no chance to do so. So I did it now. But it’s not really fair that I should do it after watching the movie twice… since I’m allowed to see it from a second-viewing point-of-view. But what the hell. I liked it just as much the first time. So here is the long-awaited review.

Breakfast on Pluto opens with a blonde woman walking down the street with a baby-carriage and a poppy rendition of Sugar Baby Love by the Rubettes. A construction worker calls out to the woman, “Oi! Kitten! How about a go?” And Kitten – who is our protagonist, that we now see is none other than Cillian Murphy in drag – replies with a smile, “Of course deary. Any of you are welcome to come at any time – I’ll leave my door open!” The worker’s smile fades as he realizes the woman he flirted with is really a man. Kitten, with a sarcastic, knowing smile, then turns to the baby in the carriage, and begins spinning his tale of the life and times of Patricia (Patrick) “Kitten” Braden.

Cut to two little robins chittering to each other (yes, robins. The narration bounces between the protagonist and these talkative little birdies) about a priest they live by and how he has not been the same since “that blonde house-keeper left… the one who looked like Mitzi Gaynor.” This sets up the story, because then a baby is left on the priest’s doorstep. The priest (whose name is also Liam, strangely enough – Father Liam) brings the child to a foster home, where he is cared for. When the child, named Patrick by his foster parents, has grown into a little boy of about nine or ten, he starts getting into his foster mother’s makeup and his foster sister’s dresses, which his foster mother and sister are not pleased about. They smack him around a little, making him say, “I am a boy, not a girl,” and threatening to parade him around the town in the dress and makeup if he continued these shenanigans. Patrick asks if they would really with a big smile, and he receives another smack. This sets up our protagonist’s puckish character.

We are then introduced to Patrick’s friends: Charlie, a gorgeous little light-skinned black girl, a pacifist; Irwin, a contrary, violent little boy who revels in conflict; and Lawrence, a boy with down syndrome who loves science fiction. Patrick spends much of his time at his friends’ houses, and it is there that Lawrence’s father tells Patrick about his real mother, Eily Bergin, the elusive house-keeper of the priest, the mysterious Mitzi Gaynor look-alike who vanished a little while before he was born.
But things are not all fun and games for them, for soon they are sent to Catholic school, which is a pain for all of them, especially Patrick. Patrick and the school instantly clash when he is asked to write a short story and he writes his version of his conception. He is sent to the principal’s office, where he asked to be called Kitten, after Saint Cettin, an acolyte of Saint Patrick that probably does not exist. Afterwards, Patrick and the school clash again when he asks to be put into home economics instead of shop class – which they eventually consent to – and then asks them where he can get a good sex-change. This is the end of their rope, so they write home to his foster mother, and he gets a good scolding, which he, frustrated by their inability to understand him and his reasoning, just walks out on, saying he has had enough. And that ends his relationship with his foster-home forever.

Charlie, Irwin and Lawrence have all grown up – Charlie into a lovely, spunky, vivacious beauty; Irwin into a man with a face that matches his character perfectly; only Lawrence has not changed. They test drugs, sex and rock-and-roll – all those good things that people in the seventies did that people don’t want us to do anymore – but then tragedy strikes and the group splits up to pursue their own interests – Charlie to find employment, Irwin to join the revolution, and Kitten (Patrick) to find his mother, or, as he calls her, “The Phantom Lady,” who he was told had last been seen in London, before the city swallowed her up.

And thus starts Kitten’s adventure to find his mother.

Breakfast on Pluto may se... ]]> ~CilliansChainsaw http://CilliansChainsaw.deviantart.com/journal/13583921/ http://CilliansChainsaw.deviantart.com/journal/13583921/ Mon, 02 Jul 2007 20:41:39 PDT
In Short: Cranky, headstrong John McClain is called into duty once again when a cyber-crime-lord starts shutting down the government and stealing America’s money, and the only chance for the good guys is a young computer-hacker McClain has been assigned to hunt down and protect – but soon McClain’s daughter gets pulled into the mix and things get personal.

In a Word: Yippee Ki Yay, muthafucka.

And I know that’s more than one word, but it’s a Die Hard film. There is no Die Hard without Yippee Ki Yay.

And let me tell you, you had to be a die-hard Die Hard fan to wait two hours through this murky, gritty fourth instalment just to hear that line.

But when you finally do hear it, it is totally worth the wait.

Live Free or Die Hard, unfortunately, falls into the trap that many of today’s action films tend to fall prey to: appealing to the younger audience with cyber-surfers, young heroes, pretty, snappy girls, and LOTS of gunfire and explosions. Now, I have no problem with gunfire and explosions, but, although the film is aimed for younger audiences who know what the hell Napster is saying when he vomits up monologues of computer garble, he then has to go back and translate himself for the Bruce Willis people among us – those who don’t know the difference between a hard drive and a hair dryer (like me) – and then the monologue becomes a novel. And coming from a kid who looks like the donkey from Disney’s Small One and whose voice is about as interesting as a stale loaf of un-sliced bread, it’s like having a toothpick driven into your skull with an Artemis Fowl novel.

Needless to say, I am not a fan of Artemis Fowl.

But there’s no need to get graphic.

Live Free or Die Hard opens with a group of computer hackers who are all attempting the same code, and are all competing to see who can get it in the quickest. We meet here our cast of cyber-spacers – our younger-audience catchers. Cut to the FBI, where the screens in their digital centre go out, then come back on, and a concerned office-head calls for a retrieval of all of America’s registered hackers to see who messed with the government’s computers. Cut back to the hackers. One of the hackers goes home to his apartment, sees that something is up with his computer, presses a key to clear it, and BOOM! Bye-bye, buddy.

Cut to McClain, who is having a grand old time spying on his daughter, who is on a date. When Mr. Boyfriend tries some questionable moves on her, McClain moves in, grabbing the surprised boyfriend and pulling him from his own car, threatening to beat him up if he did not listen to the girl when she said to stop. Lucy, embarrassed by her father’s nosy behaviour, denies being related to him and storms off. McClain goes back to his car and is about to take off when he receives a call from the FBI: they need him to pick up one of the hackers in his area and bring him to the main office. McClain is reluctant to agree – if he just readily agreed, he would not be John McClain – but eventually caves and starts for the hacker’s house.

Here we meet our master hacker. Gangly, messy, drooping slightly in all aspects of his appearance, the boy can’t be more than in his mid-twenties. He drinks Red Bull and IM’s a mysterious geek with the username “Warlock” who warns him to get out quickly. Then his computer starts acting up. As he is about to delete the problem, McClain comes to the door – and to the rescue. But the danger is not over. Soon, French badduns start shooting at them, and gunfire ensues. The place goes boom, McClain and his hacker get out, and they head for the FBI, where they are informed of the extent of the crisis.

“It’s a Fire Sale,” Matt, the hacker, says, awed and appalled.

“A what?” asks McClain, the voice of reason.

“A fire sale,” Matt responds, “where everything gets shut down, so nothing is left. That’s why it’s called a fire sale – because everything goes.”

But that’s only the beginning.

With huge throwbacks to the classic hacker-thriller, Swordfish, this movie centres on two things, and two things only: computers and Bruce Willis. And by Bruce Willis, I mean huge explosions, massive-scale automobile crashes, lots o’ gunfire, and a timeless bald guy all wrapped into a single entity. The movie had less plot than pyrotechnics, and the entire film was shot in shades of grey. But that did not take away from it in the least. What did take away from it, however, were performances by Timothy Oliphant, who was not so much scary as stilted, and Justin Long, who seemed to be on his career-starting Dell commercials throughout the entire film. Oliphant’s chara... ]]> ~CilliansChainsaw http://CilliansChainsaw.deviantart.com/journal/13583913/ http://CilliansChainsaw.deviantart.com/journal/13583913/ Mon, 02 Jul 2007 20:41:11 PDT
In Short: A man who has made a career out of disproving supernatural myths is pushed to his limits when he volunteers to stay in a room where no one lasts more than an hour and fifty-six people have already died.

In a Word: Dark.

Dark, but not especially scary.

I think if it had not been for John Cute-sack, I would probably have fallen asleep.

Cute. Cute. Cute.

I just want to rumple his swanky hair and pinch his childish cheeks and nuzzle his button nose.

And laugh at his ridiculous black eye shadow.

But on to the review.

1408 was a film that relied on its overly-done special effects to scare the audience more than their own imagination, which was where it went wrong for the most part. And the story itself was not all that great; very thin, but intriguing in its own right. Nothing was very scary, per say, but for just one part. But other than that, it was somewhat mediocre. Unless you like that kind of thing. In which case, you may like it.

1408 began with our protagonist, Michael, checking in to one of the supposedly haunted rooms of a small-town hotel, then staying up all night, drinking the complimentary booze (lush.) and waiting for something remotely spooky to happen, but nothing does. So he checks out and goes to a book-signing, though the bookstore clerk has no idea who he is and only three people attend the signing. He then goes surfing, where he almost drowns, then goes to the post office and gets his mail. There are several brochures for haunted hotels in his mail, but only one catches his eye, an advertisement from the Dolphin Hotel that sports just one short message: Don’t Enter 1408.

Michael sees this as an invitation and immediately looks into the haunted history of the room, then flies across the country to New York to investigate. He calls for a reservation, but they refuse to let him stay in the room, so he calls in a lawyer (a stupendous cameo appearance, I tip my hat to Tony Shaloub) to make them let him stay, which they finally comply to do. Now smug about his supposedly-superior handle on the matter, Michael checks in to the hotel, where the manager (played by Samuel L. Jackson – not one of his better performances), confronts him about the room, telling him that fifty-six people have died in there, twenty-two of which Michael had not heard about in the reports he had dug up, and that no one who checks into room 1408 lasts more than an hour. The manager tries to bribe him with a high-quality bottle of booze, which he lets Michael drink a glass of, but Michael, even being the lush that he is, refuses to accept the bribe and insists on being given the key to 1408. So the manager, with one last warning telling Michael that there is no spook in the room but the room itself, hands over the key and a scrapbook of all the grisly deaths that had occurred in the room, and Michael goes to explore.

Upon entering the room, Michael pulls out his recorder and begins recording his thoughts on the place: unremarkable, everyday and certainly NOT scary (kinda like the film itself). The thermostat does not work in the room, making the temperature somewhere around eighty degrees, so Michael calls up the hotel staff to help him out, but the man who comes up to fix his thermostat will not enter the room, giving instructions for the fixing of the device from the door and then getting out as quickly as he can.

Michael, a little disconcerted but still not convinced, uses an ultraviolet light to search for hidden, cleaned-up bloodstains and finds copious amounts, all over the hotel room, and, thanks to the handy-dandy guide to gruesome deaths he was given by the manager, he is able to identify the cause of every one. He looks out the window to see the view when suddenly, the alarm-clock starts going off. He ducks his head back in to see that, on the bed, where he had recently turned the sheets down, the bed has been freshly made, complete with chocolates on the pillows, and in the bathroom, where he had pulled the toilet-paper out messily, the toilet-paper has been replaced and folded neatly. He checks in the closets and the shower, but no one is there.

Stumped, Michael pours himself a drink (*cough* lush!) and goes back to the window to see if he can replicate the strange occurrence, but all he accomplishes is starting off the wicked chain of events: the window closes of its own accord, smashing his hand. He goes to wash the blood off in the bathroom sink, but the sink suddenly starts running scalding hot water. Then the front desk calls, so he answers and asks to talk to the manager, but the manager never answers. So he, frustrated, picks up his bag and prepares to leave the room, only to find the stubborn door locked. H... ]]> ~CilliansChainsaw http://CilliansChainsaw.deviantart.com/journal/13583896/ http://CilliansChainsaw.deviantart.com/journal/13583896/ Mon, 02 Jul 2007 20:40:08 PDT
In Short: The Invisible Woman and Mr. Fantastic just want to get married, but they have to take care of a small problem first – namely, a mysterious silver man whose mode of transportation is a powerful surfboard-like device, who leads an extraterrestrial force that devours any planet in its path to the worlds that it eats, preparing the planets for eminent destruction without any means of escape, because the appearance of the surfer means the planet has only eight days left before annihilation.

In a Word: Exciting.

But not edge-of-your-seat-thriller exciting.

I think the first thing that told me this was going to be a good film was in the first thirty seconds of the movie, where the producers, director, et cetera were being listed, and the name of 1492 Production Studios came up. If Chris Columbus is involved in any way, the film is going to be good. Especially if it’s a PG action-adventure film. File that away somewhere.

First of all, I was impressed. I expected dorky special effects, a predictable plot, brightly-coloured spandex hero outfits, tacky villains, lots of advertisement, and lots of cheap one-liners. Well, the effects were spectacular, especially when it came to the Silver Surfer. As for the rest of the things… it’s a Fantastic Four movie. It wouldn’t be complete with-out them.

The plot begins with a planet getting the core sucked out of it by some kind of cloud-like thing and exploding. Boom. And then something leaves the planet, like a meteor of some kind, and flies off into space. Its next planet of choice: Earth. It passes over a fishing boat in Japan and turns the water to rock. It flies over the pyramids in Egypt and it begins to snow heavily in Egypt. Cut to Mr. Fantastic and the Invisible Woman, who want to get married. Mr. Fantastic is all wrapped around his latest projects, and Sue can’t seem to get him psyched about the wedding, even though it is the fourth time they have tried to get married. A little bit of pointless dancing ensues (Spider-Man 3, anyone?), and then the characters are informed of the alien presence, and Mr. Fantastic agrees to build some kind of device to track it. He finishes his project and goes to his wedding, where a very funny Stan Lee is denied entrance, only to have it crashed by a massive-scale blackout, a malfunctioning chopper and an appearance by the Surfer himself. Johnny chases after the Surfer, revealing to the audience his notable (aka to the geeks among us: super-duper-frikkin-awesome-cool) power of sailing through solid materials without breaking them or hurting himself, and Johnny chases him into space, where he can no longer breathe and is thrown back to Earth by the Surfer.

The Fantastic Four have a heated debate about the Surfer, where it is revealed that Johnny can now switch powers with any of the other Four with a single touch. They decide the Surfer is a threat and set their minds on stopping him. Well, as fate would have it, the Surfer’s next place of choice is somewhere obscure in some place that I don’t even think is a real place on the map, unless it’s a sub-state located somewhere in an obscure corner of Russia, but anyways, it just happens to be the location of storage for, yep, you guessed it, the supposed-dead, metal-encased Dr. von Doom, and his power radiation wakes the villain, who escapes his encasement and goes looking for the Surfer himself, hoping to harness some of the power. He approaches the Surfer, looking the world like a cheap rip-off of Emperor Palpatine, and asks for this chance, but the Surfer denies his request, at the same time healing von Doom’s Fantastic-Four-induced wounds. As you can probably guess, this denial does not sit well with the cranky von Doom, so he concocts a plan to get even with the Silver Surfer – by joining forces with the Fantastic Four.

Exciting things ensue. But as you can probably guess, it’s really not a good idea to team up with some guy whose last name is von Doom. Might prove… well, von Doom-y.

As I said before, the digital animation of the Silver Surfer was spectacular. And though he was a little too shiny (CGI things always are, anyways) he was very well-done. When he was the Surfer, he looked just like he did in the comics (though I think he once wore something similar to a 1920’s bathing suit that was definitely taken off in later comics – however, I might be thinking of Iceman from the X-Men and I’m losing my mind). And while we are on the subject of movie throwbacks, I can name a few for the Silver Surfer: for the Silver Surfer himself, there were definite instances of I, Robot and Superman. His eyes, when he was not the blank-stare Surfer, were very like a wolf or a h... ]]> ~CilliansChainsaw http://CilliansChainsaw.deviantart.com/journal/13583882/ http://CilliansChainsaw.deviantart.com/journal/13583882/ Mon, 02 Jul 2007 20:39:32 PDT
In Short: The mismatched swashbucklers of the Black Pearl face off against the wicked East India Trading Company, macabre Davey Jones and his ruthless crew of the Flying Dutchman, and traitors among their own crew in this stormy, confusing final installment of the Pirates of the Caribbean saga.

In a Word: …Huh?

And that is exactly how I felt all throughout this dark, quirky stab at a conclusion of the chronicles that have enraptured audiences for almost four years, now. Huh? What the - ? Did he just - ? Why would he - ? What was the point of - ? Oh, Nevermind.

But besides that, it was pretty good.

Unlike the unsubstantial second installment which even Depp admitted was filler junk and says he would not have done it had he known what it would be like, this film, though a lot bloodier than the second (that’s not bad, all things considered: the second film was swimming in spiny, pulsing fish effects and nasty, drippy Kraken ooze – no pun intended – which is why it was rated PG-13) was pretty significant. Things actually happened and characters lost to the trivial vortex of the second film made cheering appearances (like the soldiers guarding the docked ship in the first film – remember them?), though characters wove into and out of the plot pointlessly, and everyone seemed to be on a constantly revolving carousel of melodrama and out-of-character back-stabbing (sometimes, quite literally). This film seemed to go against its own logic, but at least it had logic.

If that makes any sense.

The story of this third part in the Pirates of the Caribbean saga begins with Beckett, back at home port, hanging countless pirates (including a subtle nod to the ride the movies are based on – in one short shot, a woman in a red dress with a red plumed hat can be seen standing in the chain gang, just like the proud wench being paraded on a rope chain in a section of the ride) in an attempt to drive them to an act of desperation, which comes in the form of a song. For some reason, this song seems to satisfy Beckett, though he does not cease the hanging of the pirates. Cut to Elizabeth in a port in Singapore, where the Chinese pirate captain takes a certain shine to her, and agrees (after a scene full of great pyrotechnics) to sail with Will and Barbossa on their search for Jack because it will mean taking down Davey Jones and releasing the goddess Calypso. He agrees to meet up with them at a well-known pirate checkpoint and sends them on their way to the Ends of the Earth (de Ends ov de Eart, according to Tia Dalma) with a ship, a crew and a map.

And here we go to Jack, alone at the Ends of the Earth. Or, so we thought. Perhaps this is our first look into the mind of Jack Sparrow, or perhaps he is hallucinating, or perhaps tripping on of some kind of Afterworld Acid, who knows. But here in the mind of Jack Sparrow, he finds himself the captain of a crew comprised entirely of himselves, many of which are shirtless – which tells us a lot about Jack Sparrow, all things considered. Or perhaps it was Disney’s ploy at getting squealing fan-girls to pay eight dollars a ticket to see the movie more than once. Either way, here he is, stranded in the middle of nowhere with a whole bunch of himselves, one of which lays eggs and clucks like a chicken, and a peanut and a goat that soon vanish into thin air. He is also being followed by a rock that he thinks he might get to stop following him by putting it in his mouth. You would think after all these years of trying that ploy on Will he would have figured out that it does not work.

Jack soon meets up with the rest of the crew (who had a very interesting time getting to where he was) and they set off on the Black Pearl, only to find out they’ve been double-crossed by one of their own. They meet up with the Chinese pirate captain, and then with Beckett, who they were triple-crossed to, and soon a whole web of deceit, slander and a very confusing plotline that has something to do with Beckett taking command of Davey Jones’s ship and Bootstrap losing his marbles ensues. There is also an interweaving plot-line that had something to do with Tia Dalma being in love with Davey Jones (who I had my doubts in the first movie was an H. P. Lovecraft tribute, but which I now have no doubts in my mind about – if you know anything about H. P. Lovecraft, you’ll probably like this movie more than most) and nine Pieces of Eight that had incredible power in the right hands, but that did not really have much significance in the film.

First of all, the music was good. The opening sequence was good. The makeup was good. The film was good, altogether; muc... ]]> ~CilliansChainsaw http://CilliansChainsaw.deviantart.com/journal/13583872/ http://CilliansChainsaw.deviantart.com/journal/13583872/ Mon, 02 Jul 2007 20:38:54 PDT
In Short: An astronaut’s schoolteacher wife’s life is changed forever when, on one of her husband’s space missions, he loses contact with Earth for two minutes and comes home a changed man.

In a Word: Tense

For a film shot entirely in cool, calm blue, that movie sure gave me the heebie-jeebies. You know, the kind where you make that disgusted little noise in the back of your throat and have to shake out your hands because… that’s what you do when you get the heebie-jeebies.

I guess I should have known better than to watch a Depp horror-thriller.

The music was good, portraying excellent tension, if nothing else. The acting was good, if a little stilted and very… up-and-down (I’m not sure how else to put it). Probably the highlight of the unusual film was an outstanding performance by Depp as the beautifully disturbing husband (emphasis on the disturbing, not the beautiful) who teeters on the edge of evil, always seeming to pull back at the last moment, only to race back to the edge. His sharp features, pursed, glaring lips and dark, intense, hawk-like eyes only add to the frightening effect, which he plays to in a perfectly unbalanced way, all the way to the shocking end.

The story opens with a soft-spoken and kind-hearted astronaut, Spencer, and his lovely teacher wife, Jillian, who banter about him going up into space and tussle gently under the covers, showing that their love is a gentle, fragile one. Spencer goes up into space and Jillian goes to work, but soon Jillian is contacted by NASA and informed that they had lost contact with her husband and the husband of one of the other NASA wives. She and the other woman go to the station where they are told that NASA had regained contact with the two astronauts after two minutes and that they were bringing them back to Earth. The astronauts are put into the hospital, and Spencer is soon released, but the other man is held for heart conditions. After being released from the hospital, neither husband seeks to mention the incident with their wives.

After a little time home, both astronauts convince their wives that they should move to New York, and both wives agree. Then, at a going-away party for the couples, the older astronaut husband dies of a massive stroke, and Spencer’s health is put in question, but he is not really interested in getting tested. Soon after, at a viewing for the older astronaut, Jill talks to the wife of the older astronaut, who tells her in a frightened voice “he listened to the radio every night, but it made no sense” and that he was “hiding inside” her; later on that night, the wife is found electrocuted to death in her shower, holding the radio.

Soon after, Jill and Spencer move to New York, and they are soon thrust into the top rung of the elite businesspeople, who invite them to big, fancy parties. At one of these parties, Jill asks Spencer about the two minutes where he and the other astronaut had lost contact, and he answers her vaguely, filling his description with a lot of hot and bothered talk, and starts taking their clothes off in the middle of a hallway, then moving it to a bedroom where the sex takes on a vicious, strictly-business harshness that is entirely different from the gentle, sweet and playful sex the two originally had in the beginning of the film. This is the first warning sign, especially when Jill wakes up and Spencer is sitting in front of the radio, saying he “couldn’t sleep” and that he apologized for “being so rough on her,” but he had “had too much to drink”, even though he had hardly drunk anything that night.

A little later, Jill discovers that she is pregnant, and not just with one baby, but with twins – which seems to delight Spencer even more than it delights Jill. After Jill finds this out, Spencer suddenly becomes hostile, threatening to physically harm her if she tries to do anything to endanger the health of the twins. Then Jill is informed by an ex-employee of NASA that the other wife had also been pregnant with twins at her time of death, and that Spencer’s signature and medical tests had all been slightly different than when he had gone up into space, and Jill has to admit that he is acting a lot stranger, a whole lot more hostile than when he went up in the first place. It is when she starts to figure this out that Spencer finally goes all-out psycho on her, showing up everywhere that she is, following her every move, stalking her and killing anyone that would try to help her.

Who is this man, and what has he done with Spencer? And what can Jill do to stop him… or, if she cannot stop him, to save herself?

This film, as I said before, was shot in blue to symbolize the recurring themes, water and electricity... ]]> ~CilliansChainsaw http://CilliansChainsaw.deviantart.com/journal/13583868/ http://CilliansChainsaw.deviantart.com/journal/13583868/ Mon, 02 Jul 2007 20:38:18 PDT
In Short: A quirky little film-noir mystery, very Jerry Orbach in its style, about a young man, presumably a senior in high school, investigating the murder of his ex-girlfriend, who was not nearly as innocent a girl as she appeared to be when he had dated her.

In a Word: FACE!

And I know that is a strange word to use for the single-word description of the film, but it was what left the most impression on me. That is a pretty shallow thing to admit, but tell me this: how often to I get to see my favourite actor clock somebody – no, not just one somebody, but somebody after somebody – who are WAY bigger than he is (which is not hard, seeing as he’s a scrawny little beanpole of a man, standing at almost six feet and weighing only about a buck twenty), and all wielding weapons of some sort, or backed up by some muscle-head with an aching for some breaking? Not very often, I can say that. The last time Joe got some good fighting in was… Havoc. And that was one scene. But even then his supposedly drug-induced falsetto “yo pussy ayess” (your pussy ass) was a lot better than his fight-scenes. But I like his style. He fights with his head (sometimes quite literally) and aims below the belt, using his gangly body to trip up his opponents and regain his balance, rather like a cat.

And when was the last time we saw Joe with curls? Oh, yeah… Havoc.

But enough about Joseph’s come-hither-let-me-stroke-your-beautiful-manly-jawline-and-run-my-finger-down-the-adorable-bridge-of-your-nose-and-gaze-deeply-into-your-sexy-dark-eyes-ness.

*long, wistful sigh*

But anyways, down to the film itself.

The story follows Brendan Frye (his last name is mentioned only once in the entire film, so you have to be quick to find it) as he first struggles to regain the affection of his ex-girlfriend, Emily, then seeks to investigate her murder without the involvement of the police. He first goes to all the people Emily might have turned to after abandoning his company, and then when the clues he finds with them turn out to be few and far-between, he begins trying to decode a garbled phone call he had gotten from Emily a day or two before her murder. With the help of an intelligent friend (not-so-cleverly nicknamed “Brain”, Brendan seeks to figure out what all the words in Emily’s call had meant: Tug, Pin, Frisco, and, mostly, Brick.

With the not-so-willing help of a few ne’er-do-wells, Brendan begins to slowly piece the puzzle together: Tug is a hot-headed rough-and-tumble, and muscle-man for the Pin. Pin is short for King-Pin, a scraggly little rat of a man who walks with a limp and is the top of the totem pole in the drug business of the town. Frisco is a kid who took stock from the Pin and was a victim to a bad block of heroin – or, rather, as it is called by the dealers, he was a victim to a bad BRICK.

Slowly, meeting new characters, discovering new twists and getting into life-threatening situations more times than can be counted, Brendan pieces together the mystery and finds the real evil mastermind behind it all, in the traditional style of old film noir mysteries. And, although the real love interest was killed at the start of the film, there is one other girl who hopes to become Brendan’s new sex toy, but, at the ending, the little whore gets her comeuppance.

The film starts out a lot like a video game: quick and deliberate. Go here, do this. Find this out, go there, do that. Meet this person. Get some info. Blah, blah, blah. But about half an hour into the film, it begins to slow down and get interesting. I suppose the start had to establish the characters and the story somehow, or people would be utterly lost. The characters were interesting, if a little two-dimensional, and there was a lot that never really got explained. For example, halfway through the film, Brendan develops a form of what I think might be tuberculosis because he is told that he has too much blood in his lungs, which he is dying from, and it is so bad that he can barely stand, and spends much of the middle part of the film coughing his guts up in the parking lot, on the football field, or in the gutter. Then, towards the end of the film, the tuberculosis vanishes. Just like that. No ifs, ands or buts; no hospital; no nothing. The tuberculosis is just… gone. And one of the antagonists, a hot-headed muscle-man with a knack for killing people who talk too much, dresses all in white, while our quasi-pure protagonist dresses in darker shades of brown. Now, is that anti-symbolism or is it just me?

But about the good aspects of the film. Most of the dialogu... ]]> ~CilliansChainsaw http://CilliansChainsaw.deviantart.com/journal/12950900/ http://CilliansChainsaw.deviantart.com/journal/12950900/ Mon, 14 May 2007 08:58:10 PDT
In Short: Six months after the supposed resolution of the Infection in Britain, American troops have moved in to quarantine any people who survived the Infection – but the Rage virus is not dead, and it comes back full blow… with a fatal twist.

In a Word: Bloody

But that does NOT mean bloody fantastic.

So the geek went to see the movie opening day in full costume: a bloody set of sea-green scrubs with makeup wounds all over his face.

The geek was shocked and appalled that there were a grand total of ten people in the theatre.

After the movie, the geek was not quite so appalled.

In fact, the geek was quite appalled with the movie.

And now the geek will stop talking in third-person.

28 Weeks Later was not directed by Danny Boyle, which I think is the thing that most got to me, but it did have the same makeup artists (I think, although the Infected in this film were not as grim or effective as those in the first movie) and the same screenwriter, with the same ingenious music throbbing in the background. Robert Carlyle, who reminds me of a refined, if older, Hugh Jackman (you kids might know him as Durza from Eragon) stars as a loving, if chickenhearted, father, named Don, who is teetering on the edge of reality, giving him a character that is hard to categorize, another repeated feature from the first movie (a lot like Selena – is she a badass or is she a sweetheart? In Carlyle’s case, is he a good father and husband or is he a selfish coward?) And Harold Perennieau (best known as Michael from the TV show, LOST) stars as a cranky helicopter pilot who does not like non-military people. Or Infected.

28 Weeks Later starts out with a heart-wrenching scene in the vein of the original, 28 Days Later (Cillian’s favourite movie, as you all know). Don and his odd-eyed wife (who I swear looks just like Jane Curtain) hide away in an abandoned farm house with a group of other people, including an elderly couple, a young woman, and a grumpy stranger. They cook over a wood-burning stove and use candles for light. Every crack and crevice has been boarded over, the door and windows have been boarded up, and Don carries with him at all times a fire-poker, armed for battle with the Infected. He and his wife trade quiet, nervous banter while searching in the cabinets for food of any kind, Don doing all he can to make his wife smile. She stirs a pot of pasta only meant to feed four that she must serve to six, and seems on the brink of tears. She looks over and sees a picture of Don, herself and their two adorable children, and she turns to her husband. “Do you think they’re safe?” she asks. He hesitates, then assures her, “Yes, of course they are. Of course they are.” But even he does not seem too sure. They kiss, but it is not a passionate, everyday kiss. It is a nervous, glad-you-are-still-alive kiss that I’m sure they only did to make sure they were both still awake, both still there.

It’s strange that I look so far into this scene when it’s just a movie.

The elderly wife enters with a meager box of chocolates that she offers to the couple with a sweet, old-womanly smile, and Don finds a bottle of wine that is clearly very high quality, which the elderly husband offers to the group to drink, even though it is obvious that the wine means a lot to him. The six sit down to eat the meager meal. In the course of the scene, it becomes apparent that the young woman’s boyfriend has left to get supplies and has not come back for a few days. Then there is a banging on the door. Don is convinced it is an Infected, but when he opens the door, it is a little boy screaming for help. They give him something to eat, and he tells them that he was being chased.

Chased?

CRASH.

This scene was the first in months – nay, YEARS – to make me jump. I have not been affected by a jump scene since… I can’t remember when.

The Infected start out as just one, who Infects the girl by spewing a thin mixture of blood and saliva (if you saw the first movie, you know what I’m talking about) in her face. The girl spasms, then is Infected. The others panic and run for it. First goes the old man, then the old woman. Alice, Don and the kid find themselves in a bedroom, and the Infected soon follow. Don hides behind a door leading to an adjoining room, calling for his wife, but she wants to save the child. The Infected come raging in, and Don, scared out of his mind, closes the door on her and runs for it. The last he sees of her, she has her hands and face pressed to the window, frantically screaming for him to come back – before she is dragged away by the Infected.

Don runs for it, chased by hordes upon hordes of Infected... ]]> ~CilliansChainsaw http://CilliansChainsaw.deviantart.com/journal/12950873/ http://CilliansChainsaw.deviantart.com/journal/12950873/ Mon, 14 May 2007 08:55:42 PDT
In Short: A highly contagious virus rips Britain apart as a handful of stragglers struggle to survive in this classic post-Apocalyptic quasi-zombie horror thriller with heart.

In a Word: Bloody

And that means bloody fantastic.

In the spirit of the release of 28 Weeks Later, I thought I would start out with a review of the original, 28 Days Later, which you all know is my favourite movie.

28 Days Later is the kind of film that has a genre all to itself: a film that pokes its nose into everything that is not looked into by other movies that usually classify the cinema, a movie for everyone. For those who like violence, there is plenty. For those who look for strong characters, there is that. And the acting, the makeup, the story, the directing, even the music was incredible. The movie has a good heart, with characters that make you want to melt. The characters do not really fit into any specific movie genre that people associate with (except for Brendan Gleeson’s loving, nervously generous Frank), but you end up loving them all anyways, even those who only have a few minutes of screen time.

28 Days Later begins in an animal testing facility, where various chimpanzee cages are laid out, with rather cantankerous inhabitants, running back and forth in their cages and banging their fists against the sides. One ape is strapped to a table, forced to watch acts of violence of various television screens. A group of animal activists enter the scene and start preparing to release the chimps. A scientist sees them and begs them not to open the cages, because the chimps are Infected. “Infected with what?” demands the leader of the activists. The scientist hesitates, then replies in an ominous voice, “Rage.” The activists think he is off his rocker (who calls a disease “Rage”?) and so open one of the cages. But the chimpanzee inside is anything but happy to see his saviours. He lunges at one of them, grabbing onto her and biting into her neck. An activist picks up a pair of heavy-duty clippers and beats the chimp’s head in with it, but it is too late. The girl turns over and vomits up the signature Infected “spew”: a dark, gritty mixture of saliva, blood and undigested food. She turns to the nearest activist and hisses at him, showing her eyes, which have turned to a red-rimmed yellow-orange colour with large black pupils – the signature Rage eyes. He is frozen in terror, and she lunges at him. The scientist screams, “Kill her! Kill her!” but it is too late.

28 Days Later…

A young bicycle courier wakes up in a hospital, completely naked (yummy), all but skin and bones, half his head overgrown and scruffy, the other half shaved to a clean buzz-cut, where he had gotten stitches some time ago. He has the start of a scruffy beard, so he has obviously not been looked after for a while. He sits up in bed and moves to the window, but no one is outside. He finds a key to his door (he was locked in), and goes to find some clothes, a set of sea-green scrubs and white medical shoes, and goes to explore.

The hospital is empty. All the phones are off the hooks and the lines are dead. The soda machines have been ripped open at the bottom and cans of warm cola have sprayed all over the floor. Jim (that’s his name – we don’t get to know it until later, but he is likeable before he even has a name. It is amazing how this is accomplished wordlessly) does not seem to phased by this, merely picking up a stray plastic bag and stashing one or two unopened, salvageable cola cans in it. He wanders around the hospital parking lot – also abandoned – and then goes out into the street.

No one is there.

England is completely deserted.

And so it starts.

This is not a zombie flick. This is not a slasher flick. This is a film that could almost be considered a work of art, a film that explores every nook and cranny of the human psyche and shatters boundaries and generalizations that have previously been made. There is no answer, there is only a one-sided solution. People need other people. No one is merely dispensable. The Infected are not “those things,” as they are referred to in other movies, but rather “those people” – people who were once just like everyone else, with families, homes, jobs, consciences.

The movie was shot entirely using a hand-held camera, and so the cinematography is so effective, it is breathtaking. The camera runs with the Infected, skitters and shakes when people are getting Infected, and sometimes uses effective upward shots that are taken from the hand level of the characters, showing us a view that we can clearly see the swelling and falling of their chests as they breathe deeply, their widened, frightened... ]]> ~CilliansChainsaw http://CilliansChainsaw.deviantart.com/journal/12871921/ http://CilliansChainsaw.deviantart.com/journal/12871921/ Mon, 07 May 2007 04:55:10 PDT
In Short: The web-slinging Spidey is faced with a whole new set of badduns, including his former best friend Harry, as his relationship with the loving MJ takes a serious turn.

In a Word: Aggressive.

I thought Spider-Man 3 was going to be great as soon as I heard the opening strains of Danny Elfman’s ingenious score. Turns out, the only thing great about it was the opening strains of Danny Elfman’s ingenious score. The beginning of the movie was too fast, the middle was pointless, and the ending was unsatisfying.

Spider-Man 3 centers, once again, on the science-nerd-turned-superhero Peter Parker, as his life starts to unfold into something much larger and more ambitious – his relationship with MJ Watson is flourishing, and he plans to wed her. Spider-Man has become a news-stand favourite. The only thing standing in the way of his happiness is his former best friend, the bitter Harry, who has set his mind upon the idea that Peter was the reason his father died.

Meanwhile, the man who killed Peter’s uncle has escaped from prison, and reveals to us something that is not seen very often in the movies these days, especially in superhero films like this (though Doc Ock could considerably fit the bill as well) – a supervillain with heart; a scoundrel with a noble cause. His daughter desperately needs an operation to get well, and he will do just about anything to get the money for it. While running from the police, however, he finds himself trapped in a deep pit with scientifically experimental sand in it, which he gets mixed up in, becoming the formidable – though flimsy – Sandman. And a third baddie is soon to appear: an alien goo-like life form that, in the original Spider-Man comics, was given to Spidey as a gift after helping an alien race on their home planet (but we won’t get into that just now.) This is a finger-esque, clingy, black, tar-like substance that will take hold of a host – Spider-Man, in this case – and enhance their power, and their hostility. This is almost a throwback to other films with this kind of substance in it. Little Nemo. Fern Gully. The Aladdin TV Series. Even 28 Days Later could arguably be of the same idea pool.

At the same time, Peter, no matter how much he pleads, cannot seem to convince Harry of his innocence, and soon the two are fighting – not as college kids trading punches over an old grudge, but as Spider-Man and the New Goblin, two ferociously different and impressively lithe super-people. This leads to a bad bump on the head that leaves Harry with a bit of convenient amnesia – he cannot remember his grudge against Peter, greeting him as his “buddy” when Peter enters his hospital room.

Peter, with the help of the alien goo, soon takes on the persona of the “angry Spidey,” terrorizing everyone he knows, including the innocent Gwen (Spidey comic book fans, remember with me: SNAP!) and the shocked and hurt MJ, and devastating his photo-snapping human nemesis, the insufferable Brock, who later on becomes his supervillain nemesis, Venom. Peter faces all his foes and all his fears in the film, eventually leading to a sad but touching ending sequence that is only satisfactory in one small regard, and even then it is very thin. All of this material seems to have been stuffed into a movie that is ripping at the seams – and spilling out something that is unfulfilling and disappointing.

The entire movie was shot in depressing shades of a navy blue-gray colour, giving off a dark air that was never in either of the other two movies – especially not the second one, in my opinion still the best (just like the X-Men movie franchise – isn’t that interesting?), which was shot in red and yellow, making it a much more enjoyable movie, with no sharp objects, like teeth, claws, nails, or glider-blades, to skewer our heroes and make the film too violent to be watched by little boys who dress up to see opening night at the theatre with mom and dad. The portrayal of Peter as a “bad boy” was shown with heavy black eyeliner and dark hair dye, with Peter’s bangs falling into his heavily-ringed eyes and his clothes taking on a noticeably black twist. He also tended to dance in the street and flirt with all the girls. Maybe it’s just me, but he seemed to be having more fun – and less sleep – when he was bad. And, maybe it’s just me, but when Cranky-Spidey beats up the bad guys, it makes me feel terrible (yes, me, the one who is not only tolerant of, but often laughs at, movie violence) when they are in their human form and he lays the smack down on them in his grumpy superhero form, especially the tenderhearted, sympathetic Sandman (though I had no problem with New Goblin kicking his ass when he was a big sandy behemoth – but... ]]> ~CilliansChainsaw http://CilliansChainsaw.deviantart.com/journal/12564506/ http://CilliansChainsaw.deviantart.com/journal/12564506/ Thu, 12 Apr 2007 08:38:35 PDT
In Short: A struggling family moves to the country to start a new life, only to discover that the house they have moved into is haunted by restless, vengeful spirits.

In a Word: Creepy.

Had it not been for the giggly, loud-mouthed valley girls who thought it would be amusing to scream loudly at every remotely frightening scene, I might have given this movie a higher rating. Key word, might.

The Messengers, shot in alternating shades of murky grey, faded blue, and bloody yellow, was not so much the thriller it promised to be, but rather played out like a gruesome, horrific mix of The Sixth Sense and Pulse, though lacking the charm of The Sixth Sense and the starpower of Pulse. The movie was cliché in parts and played out like so many of its kind, with an unlikable, fool-me-thrice female protagonist; a quiet, haunted child; a back-stabbing, psychotic antagonist; and a slew of grotesque, otherworldly goons. Almost all of the jump scenes were callable, and the antagonist was an instant dead giveaway – no pun intended. So many of the special effects were throwbacks to other horror films of the past, I almost felt as if I were watching Sarah Michelle Gellar tending to Haley Joel Osment, who could see Gollum when no one else could, with a little Linda Blaire thrown in for flair.

The story of The Messengers follows Jessica, a rebellious teen, and her mother, father and mute toddler brother, Ben, as they move from a house in the city to one in the country. Unbeknownst to them, a gory tragedy had occurred years ago in the house into which they have moved, and restless spirits now haunt the house, thirsty for the blood of the one responsible for their unjust and untimely deaths. But, unfortunately for the family who just moved in, the haunts don’t mind taking their frustration out on the nearest moving target – and only Ben can see it coming. But then, when a kindly, mysterious stranger appears on the farm to help with the harvest, the spirits suddenly go into overdrive, viciously attacking anyone and everyone, especially the protagonist, attempting to drag her, screaming, down to the depths. What is the secret of this house, and how can the family win against a hostile foe they cannot see?

Dylan McDermott was charming and, for the most part, very business-like and down-to-earth, the role he plays most often and best (thought it was unusual to see him with both eyes, when I first saw him in a role where he had only one, as Party Monster’s Peter.) He has a sparkling, quiet finesse to him, coupled with an amiable face that brings one specific character to mind: Remus Lupin. But that’s just me.

The movie was dark, and used black-and-white film effectively, sometimes overlapping them to create an almost gothic, X-Files feel. The skittering, spider-like movements and fractured, schizophrenic, screeching whispering is reminiscent of The Exorcist, if nothing else, or even Jean Gray’s moment of psychic static in X-Men 2. The colours were all well-chosen and foreboding, even the yellow used on the sunflower fields which, at first, seems to be a sunny yellow, but soon reveals its ominous tone, a bright, red-tinted colour that quickly turns from a happy shade to a deadly one, especially when it is the overriding tone in one of the most violent, revealing scenes.

I would not pay full price to see this movie, but it was definitely worth seeing once in the dollar theatre (Movies 8), and worth renting once from the library.

]]> ~CilliansChainsaw http://CilliansChainsaw.deviantart.com/journal/12076995/ http://CilliansChainsaw.deviantart.com/journal/12076995/ Tue, 06 Mar 2007 05:44:55 PST
In Short: An aging 80’s has-been is pressed for one more hit song, and he despairs – until he meets a quirky girl with a thing for rhymes.

In a Word: Cute.

Music and Lyrics opens with a poppy, 80’s-style music video. Thankfully, the rest of the movie is not quite as bright and terribly dressed. But, despite what you may think (unless you’ve seen the lovingly silly About a Boy) Hugh Grant can actually sing. And he sings pretty well. Drew Barrymore… can… too… but the hesitation in this statement is noted. She has a very soft, floaty voice that could never make a record deal (unless, of course, she used her star power like some other people *cough cough LindsayLohanHilaryDuffParisHilton cough cough* ~ excuse me, I think I may be coming down with tuberculosis.) But for the film and for the character, it’s very believable.

Music and Lyrics tells the story of Alex Fletcher, an 80’s pop star whose band split up. The big star of the moment is Cora Corman, a sex-centered, back-to-nature diva who is “bigger than Brittany and Christina put together”, in the words of Alex’s manager (a great performance by funnyman Brad Garret). She is also a spoof of both, with a little Paris sprinkled in. So when Cora asks Alex to write her a song, he can’t resist. His only problem: he can’t write lyrics. As he works with dark lyricists whose only objective is giving Cora an Avril Lavigne/Evanescence sound (which I would not have minded), he is surprised when his replacement plant-waterer starts spouting lyrics like a natural. He instantly takes her on as a lyricist, and a budding romance starts to grow.

The movie is a sweet, forgettable romance, sort-of like a bubble: it’s pretty while it lasts, but it soon pops and disappears. It’s shot primarily in pink and the outfits are simple. Even Cora Corman, as ridiculous as she is, is a pretty but forgettable sight (unless she’s writhing around on the floor in skimpy third-world-style lingerie). The dialogue is witty and charming, like most romantic comedies, and the performances are good. Grant and Barrymore have great chemistry, despite their age difference, and both portray their usual character with the same charisma as the first time we watched them in these oh-so-familiar roles (Hugh Grant as a foppish, one-sided, self-centered dandy? No way!).

Worth seeing once in the full-price theatre, maybe another time in the dollar theatre, and worth buying if you like the actors and romantic comedies of any kind.

]]> ~CilliansChainsaw http://CilliansChainsaw.deviantart.com/journal/12008999/ http://CilliansChainsaw.deviantart.com/journal/12008999/ Thu, 01 Mar 2007 04:55:04 PST
In Short: A group of explorers, scientists, and astronauts take an expedition to the center of the earth to start the core, which has stopped spinning, working again.

In a Word: Predictable.

Is it sad that I can see the character lineup of a movie and say which characters will die, in what order, and in what situations?

You know you’ve seen too many thrillers when…

Anyways, The Core is an almost predictable, but very enjoyable, science-fiction thriller. The characters are well-acted, well-developed and well-rounded, and you almost want to get to know some of them better, and almost find yourself begging the film not to kill them – but knowing that they will die anyways. In a way, the characters are better than the plot itself, which twists and turns ironically, sometimes losing the audience, only to catch them again on the way back. It goes against its own scientific theories from time to time, and it sometimes uses language too advanced for the average movie-goer, but, all in all, it makes up for it in heart, and it delivers an altogether excellent film.

The Core follows Beck, a young astronaut with a skill for navigation; Josh, a young college professor; Serge, a French scientist whose only concern is his wife and two children; an under-appreciated, kindhearted inventor; and a narcissistic and intellectual egomaniac. Cillian cannot remember their names, so give him a break. All of them are called to the agency of the FBI when a group of thirty-two people die without warning within milliseconds of one another, and strange, frantic flocks of pigeons attack pedestrians in England, Japan, and Russia. After some research, Josh and Serge discover that the cause of this is that the liquid core of the earth had stopped spinning. So, with the help of NASA, they gather up a team of the best and strive to drive a ship down through the crust and mantle of the earth and, using nuclear firepower, start the core rotating again.

The Core was a movie that would have been better on a big screen, with the huge, explosive sounds of the ship jetting through the mantle of the earth surrounding you and the larger-than-life special effects played out in breathtaking scale, but it was not worth spending eight dollars on a ticket to see. Perhaps two dollars at the Movies 8 dollar theatre, but not at the full-price theatre. It is definitely worth renting, though. Maybe twice.

]]> ~CilliansChainsaw http://CilliansChainsaw.deviantart.com/journal/12008994/ http://CilliansChainsaw.deviantart.com/journal/12008994/ Thu, 01 Mar 2007 04:54:08 PST
In Short: A man sells his soul to the devil to save his father and winds up cursed to fight the devil’s enemies as a nocturnal flaming skeleton.

This movie is a perfect example of an attempt by filmmakers to rip off the superhero trend to try and make some money and failing miserably. Ironically, in its opening week, this film was the highest-grossing in the box office – but, considering the movie-goer’s other choices, it is not surprising. Not only is the plot bad, but the script is bad, and the ending is unsatisfying, leaving the viewer with a, “I just wasted my life and money on this film” feeling that even The Fountain couldn’t top. This is on my list of top ten worst superhero films of all time, only beat by The Hulk and The Fantastic Four, which had its moments but spent too much energy on being flashy and smart and not enough on story.

The story opens with the last Ghost Rider, who was sent out to find a scroll with the names of the one hundred most evil people in the world for the devil – and, after finding it, runs off with it, vanishing into legend. From there, the story follows Johnny Blaze, a rising motorcycle-stuntman, a young lovebird who is in a carnival show with his father, who is dying of cancer. Johnny makes a deal with the devil that if the devil will heal his father’s cancer, Johnny will give him his soul. The devil agrees and takes Johnny’s soul, curing his father – only to have him die in a motorcycle accident the following day. Johnny, distressed, runs out on his would-be fiancée and hides away, becoming a professional motorcyclist years later. At one of his events, he meets back up with his long-lost love, who is now a reporter. But the devil isn’t through with him yet, and he comes back demanding that Johnny now pay up his half of the contract by dealing with the devil’s enemies, a gang of Matrix-style-trenchcoat-wearing bad boys, including the devil’s own son, who is only interested in finding the scroll and claiming the hundred souls for himself to become the most evil – and powerful – person in the world.

Although it has its moments, the movie misses out on so many opportunities to laugh at itself that it almost takes itself way too seriously, and that just about ruins the movie-going experience. While Nicholas Cage could have had so much fun doing a Spider-Man-esque “test” of his flaming powers (i.e. “Flame On! … No… How about… FIRE! …Guess Not.”), he instead takes the initiative to glare ferociously at his hand, say calmly, “I call upon the element of fire within me,” and the flame instantly sparks to life. Also, if there is one thing I can add to my list of things I never want to see again, it is a Nicholas Cage flaming spazz attack. I’m sure that if you can change into a flaming behemoth in one sitting motion, it doesn’t hurt all THAT much.

This film combines snapshot-short, pointless, obviously choreographed action sequences (think Spider-Man 2 with long, breathing pauses between each ten-second section of the runaway train sequence); mediocre special effects; and a plotless and painfully predictable story, along with halting, age-limited dialogue and bad villain makeup to make a film that is really not worth seeing even once, especially if you’ve read the comic.

]]> ~CilliansChainsaw http://CilliansChainsaw.deviantart.com/journal/11890566/ http://CilliansChainsaw.deviantart.com/journal/11890566/ Tue, 20 Feb 2007 05:30:27 PST
In Short: After the crash of the plane that had on it the whole Marshall football team, the school must rebuild with the help of a few injured players and a half-witted coach.

In a Word: Inspirational.

This is the story of Marshall's comeback from after the plane crash that killed their varsity football team.

This movie is a good example of putting heart into football without being bibled to death. A stunning and heartwarming performance by Matthew McConeghey as a somewhat dull coach trying to make a team to play for Marshall again from a listing of mostly Freshman - and making it.

A must-see, and if you were actually around when this happened and like these Based on a True Story movies, a must-buy.

]]> ~CilliansChainsaw http://CilliansChainsaw.deviantart.com/journal/11890429/ http://CilliansChainsaw.deviantart.com/journal/11890429/ Tue, 20 Feb 2007 05:10:46 PST
In Short: Two outcasts find a secluded part of the woods that they declare their kingdom and which comes alive with their imagination.

In a Word: Hearbreaking.

The film follows the story of a boy who is an outcast at his school and his best friend, a new girl. The two dislike life at the school they go to - the usual, bullies, crushes, etc. - and so, when they find a rope that leads to a secluded part of the woods, they are eager to go over, and, with coaxing by the girl, they imagine themselves a beautiful kingdom of magical creatures and fantastical beings.

The story opens nicely and the characters are well-portrayed; you like some, you dislike others, and there is definitely at least one scene where you have to go, "Oh! Oh, that's neat." But other than that, the movie is a little juvenile, and until near the heartbreaking and completely unsatisfying end of the film, you think you may have walked into the wrong theatre. This can't be right, you say. This isn't magical. This is childish. And then the knife falls, and suddenly you don't want your children to see it.

I cried.

I tried hard not to, but I did.

I felt so cheated by this film, I almost demanded my money back.

The CGI was not great, but the creatures were from the imagination of two children, and so it seemed alright for the movie. My favourite actress (Zooey Deschanel) plays a loveable and perky music teacher that the protagonist crushes on, and the little girl who plays the protagonist's little sister is adorable.

All in all, not the greatest film Disney has come out with in a while - in fact, it feels a little like a pixie-dust encrusted version of Pay It Forward - but still worth seeing if you don't mind unsatisfying endings or heartbreaking stories.

]]> ~CilliansChainsaw http://CilliansChainsaw.deviantart.com/journal/11757914/ http://CilliansChainsaw.deviantart.com/journal/11757914/ Sat, 10 Feb 2007 09:24:23 PST
In Short: A man goes to live with his mother's psychiatrist and watches his life fall to pieces around him.

Cillian was just made a very happy man.

I have been waiting and wanting to see this movie since it came out in theatres, but have been too swamped to see it. Now, I got to watch it in the comfort of my home. And it was good.

The movie starts and runs a little like Breakfast on Pluto, but the characters are not as cut-and-dry. I am a huge Bryan Cox fan, but his character in this movie was somewhat... well, different than I expected. He had some great lines, but his character was so straightforward that it made the watcher squirm just a bit. He had not issue talking about things most people like to keep on the down-low, like masturbation or constipation, or even the lack thereof.

The whole cast was not as a usual movie cast - there was no clear villains and no clear antagonists. The characters were all very neutral, and the only one the watcher ended up liking was the downtrodden wife of psychiatrist Marion Finch, Agnes Finch. She was the only one with a heart. The rest of the characters seemed only to have voices, faces and crotches.

The movie ends abruptly, making you want to see more.

Overall, worth seeing.

]]> ~CilliansChainsaw http://CilliansChainsaw.deviantart.com/journal/11621920/ http://CilliansChainsaw.deviantart.com/journal/11621920/ Tue, 30 Jan 2007 10:37:34 PST
In Short: A young man unable to perform his vows practices in the woods and finds himself accidentally married to a corpse who thinks he is her one true love.

The story follows two families, one a snobby, upstanding but secretly bankrupt aristocratic family, the other a finicky fish-merchant family, who arrange to marry their children so that they can split the benefits. But young Victor, the fish merchant's son, is nervous, jumpy, and forgetful, and is told that unless he can remember his vows, he cannot marry the sweet Victoria. Meanwhile, the wily Lord Barkis has come to town, hoping to steal away Victoria - and her money - for his own. While Victor practices his vows in the woods, he says them so perfectly, and then places the ring onto a stick - which turns out to be not a stick at all, but the hand of a corpse bride who has been waiting for years for her true love to come and marry her.

Exceptional performances by Bonham-Carter, Grant, Lee, and even, though I despise the man, Depp, who is perfect as jumpy Victor. The stop-motion animation is so complimentary of Tim Burton's unique style, and so much more fluid than The Nightmare Before Christmas, which is one of my personal favourites. The story is fluid, though a little unusual and slightly forced in places, it moves along at a good pace, and the colours are unusual, but they make one think. The music is spectacular, thanks again to Danny Elfman.

A definite must-see, and, if you are a fan of Nightmare, a must-buy.

]]> ~CilliansChainsaw