http://search.deviantart.com/?q=by:CyanidalRaven&section=today deviantART RSS for by:CyanidalRaven en-us Copyright 2009, deviantART.com Fri, 11 Dec 2009 02:16:24 PST deviantART.com http://blogs.law.harvard.edu/tech/rss http://s.deviantart.com/minish/widgets/apple-touch-icon-precomposed.png http://CyanidalRaven.deviantart.com/journal/12547631/ http://CyanidalRaven.deviantart.com/journal/12547631/ Wed, 11 Apr 2007 00:55:20 PDT
Everything's up in the air right now. I'd like to play pretend and live in the moment forever and keep eating this easter bunny, keep smoking this cigarette, but time keeps passing o.o'... deadlines are approaching, people will be leaving, I'll probably get kicked out with all this chaos, and I've got to get my ass in gear.

But that won't change anything.

I have 3.6 billion thoughts running through my mind. If I know you, you're probably in my head right now in some way or another. Lotsa thoughts.

Hah. Lots of RANDOM ones too. Although that's nothing new.
Like at work, it'll be slow at front end, and a customer will finally come up to my register and I get the sudden urge to tag them and go "you're it!" and run away o.o. So whenever I think stuff like that and I'm about to check out their stuff, I start laughing, and then they give me odd looks.
Working at a hippie store's pretty cool. O.o We get the weirdest questions, I swear I can never freakin' answer them. I was once asked if we had Red Yeast Rice.... it turned out to be an herbal medication. Why can't I ever be asked if we have MILK?? "Why YES! I can show you EXACTLY where! ^_^"
Wtf, and sodium-free hot dogs? Never heard of that, or organic peeps either.

Good stuff.

Tomorrow I open my first bank account. Weee. For college money.

It's 4am. Why aren't I sleeping? -.-



]]> ~CyanidalRaven http://CyanidalRaven.deviantart.com/journal/8047052/ http://CyanidalRaven.deviantart.com/journal/8047052/ Thu, 02 Mar 2006 13:21:17 PST
So deal.

Pretend it's not me in the photo or something, I don't know.

Also need a better camera than this, a real camera, but without money that's not really an option right now. ]]> ~CyanidalRaven http://CyanidalRaven.deviantart.com/journal/7351259/ http://CyanidalRaven.deviantart.com/journal/7351259/ Mon, 19 Dec 2005 04:01:11 PST
Anyways um... Still reading up on hypnosis... yeah, fun stuff. I wanna try it on someone, so I'm looking for a guinea pig, anyone, anyone? o.o (yes, be my SLAAAVE!!!) >>... << Ignore the parenthesis... >.< They mean nothing!

Oh yeah, and Hannah, I could always scan something for you if you wanted ^^ because my scanner's all fixed now and I love scanning things. GIMME! Love ya ^^.

--Rebeka: The God Of Perfection And Discord ]]> ~CyanidalRaven http://CyanidalRaven.deviantart.com/journal/7297566/ http://CyanidalRaven.deviantart.com/journal/7297566/ Tue, 13 Dec 2005 02:31:13 PST ~CyanidalRaven http://CyanidalRaven.deviantart.com/journal/6585355/ http://CyanidalRaven.deviantart.com/journal/6585355/ Fri, 23 Sep 2005 21:07:50 PDT
OTher than that... I am miserable. And I mean that in the most dead inside way possible. I feel dead inside, or at least, like I am dying. What is happiness? Is it not having to stop and think about all this? IS it not having to be a deep thinker and contemplate all the time and brood over shit that doesn't seem to really matter in the end? Memories are supposed to matter right? Your experiences? They just seem to make my wounds burn more. There I go again, sounding stupid and poetic and not meaning to... I just mean that... I hate having to look back on times when I was actually happy, and think.... wow.... what the hell happened to me?

People have verbally taken me by the shoulders and shaken me and said "why can't you be happy???" and I want to take them by the shoulders back and shake them and say "why can't you open your eyes and realize that happiness doesn't just fall from the sky and appear from nowhere, it isn't born from nothingness...!!" I feel like I have nothing to tell you the truth. Sure, my friends are here. But... they all seem... to be happy in their own way. Everyone has somebody, whether it is a girlfriend/boyfriend, a friend, a close companion, a close relative... someone they can talk to when things get tough... I don't really feel close to anyone in particular. I try to be, but I feel so distant from people in general. Lately I just find myself seperating off from my group because I just can't even be myself anymore. I become quiet and anti social and all I do is draw and listen to music now.

Here is how the cycle goes... I become angry and frustrated and I can't do anything with that anger, it goes nowhere, there is no way for me to express it, some might say "oh, write a poem or draw" but that is not enough. Then I sit there and my frustration rots and festers inside me and it easily slides into this feeling of hopelessness and despair and complete lonliness... then I cry and after sometime of doing this... I find myself in tears days later and I am laying there saying "why am I even crying anymore??" It is pathetic, I hate it, I hate what I have become, I cannot stop it, when will I be happy again?

Then there is the next stage, the state of numbness, where I do not care anymore, about my well being or others. I just do not care. And it goes on for a little while, until I break and crumble and again the anger and sadness comes in like a flood, because I feel so alone, and I know that even though I am good at pretending I am happy sometimes, I am so fucking miserable... Not dead, not yet. But dying. A beating heart and breathing lungs can only go so far, but the soul seems to be withering. ]]> ~CyanidalRaven http://CyanidalRaven.deviantart.com/journal/5684559/ http://CyanidalRaven.deviantart.com/journal/5684559/ Sat, 18 Jun 2005 10:10:02 PDT <... It's not that I think I'm a bad one, or that I suck at it or anything... it's just that it seems like I have to struggle a lot with it and it comes a lot easier to everyone else around me... I don't know, maybe I've just lost my touch.

On the other hand, I've just started modeling. Gothic modeling and sci-fi modeling. It's alright I guess, a little hectic though. It would be easier if my mother were more responsible though, that way I'd be able to plan for photoshoots easier and reply to all these photographers and make-up artists quicker than I do. It must be kind of frustrating for them. Here's my model site if anyone's interested -.-'

[link]

*sigh* and Muffins is gone for a week camping with Trevor... I miss him already ... And unless I get a 90 or above on the math final exam then I won't pass geometry for the year *sigh*. Lots of things are bad, some things are good. Mostly bad though.

And these new meds are killing me x.x... (Topamax, anti-seizure medication for my complicated migraines... I have to take topamax to stop the migraines because the migraines could go into a stroke... yeah that's just how bad they are). I can't believe I have this many fucking medical problems and I'm only 16. ]]> ~CyanidalRaven http://CyanidalRaven.deviantart.com/journal/5514424/ http://CyanidalRaven.deviantart.com/journal/5514424/ Tue, 31 May 2005 18:05:34 PDT
But yeah... where's Banana? He hasn't been online hardly at all .... He drew this awesome pic of our whole gang ha ha and we all look sort of anime ^^. I wish I could draw as good as him and as easily... lucky bastard ha ha.

I haven't checked his art yet, gonna do that now... let me see if I can scrounge up something new of mine... I know I drew SOMETHING, I just don't remember what though... ]]> ~CyanidalRaven http://CyanidalRaven.deviantart.com/journal/4852062/ http://CyanidalRaven.deviantart.com/journal/4852062/ Sat, 19 Mar 2005 07:22:19 PST distorted to seem gratifying
while dissipation sounds harmless.
Chains bind me to my eternal misery.
Past, Present, Future,
all mangled to rags of filth and waste
set afire
meant for me to watch them
as the ashes burn and dance for us.
My existance means nothing to me
some Greater Being laughs;
my body,
"just another excuse for bleeding".
Tragic are the ways
we follow my Other to destruction.
Torment contained within black matter,
too heavy for any to lift...
yet grab hold of all my tribulation,
spasms of the mind,
and send me to the darkness
where I can only watch
her destroy you.
The detritus of misfortune fades away...
Your plague delights me
and my amusement bleeds me dry
of any other ecstasy. ]]> ~CyanidalRaven