http://search.deviantart.com/?q=by:DarkCrypt&section=today deviantART RSS for by:DarkCrypt en-us Copyright 2009, deviantART.com Wed, 16 Dec 2009 04:28:05 PST deviantART.com http://blogs.law.harvard.edu/tech/rss http://s.deviantart.com/minish/widgets/apple-touch-icon-precomposed.png http://DarkCrypt.deviantart.com/journal/23490879/ http://DarkCrypt.deviantart.com/journal/23490879/ Mon, 02 Mar 2009 14:17:05 PST Oh. Hello.
Didn't see you there.
I was just whistling a jaunty tune, while sipping some cola from a drinking cylinder, when the voice in my head told me it was time for a new journal. As usual, I complied with its wishes--mainly to avoid violence--and am now typing prudently to satisfy its evil whims.
...
So...hrm.
Oh. Here's some advice that I just deduced all by myself; It's better to draw on your drawing table than when you're sitting on your waterbed, with a soft covered sketchbook. Uh hyuck. Oh, and...if you tie your shoes just slightly tighter than usual, it makes you feel full of zazz. Like a ninja or an action hero of some sort, ready to leap into action at the slightest provocation.
It's sweet.
Try it, you'll see.

Also, my muse was reincarnated in the form of an especially cozy pair of longjohns, which have become my most prized possession. Did you ever play Morrowind, and enchant some pants to be magic? Well that's what my longjohns are like. They give me +3 to motivation rolls, as well as increasing my dexterity, charisma, and strength by 1! At this rate I'm gonna level up soon.
Fucking sweet, dude.

Now, I sleep.
If you read this, then sometime within the next thousand years one of your descendants will be born with antlers. You're welcome.

P.S. It occurs to me that 'read' and 'read' should be spelled differently, to avoid momentary 'tense' confusion. I'll write somebody about that and see what I can do.

]]> ~DarkCrypt http://DarkCrypt.deviantart.com/journal/19396568/ http://DarkCrypt.deviantart.com/journal/19396568/ Mon, 14 Jul 2008 18:38:40 PDT Oh yeah...
Drawing!
...
I should...draw something...sometime. Now I just need a...
...
a... uh...
...
P...pen? Is that what they're called?
Meh.

]]> ~DarkCrypt http://DarkCrypt.deviantart.com/journal/14724980/ http://DarkCrypt.deviantart.com/journal/14724980/ Fri, 21 Sep 2007 07:11:17 PDT Been a while, huh.
Well....
Nothing new to report.
The art juice in my brain had turned into jelly, leaving me withered and non-productive. Oh, I've done pictures...but they were horrible. HORRIBLE!
So now as punishment I make the hands stay in oven mitts so they can't draw. THey hate me, but...fuck 'em. That's what they get.
....
I just learned of sweet-ass pens called Rapidographs, and despite being fun to say they seem very nice. I will have them one day. Oh yes, they will be mine.
Now it is time for sleep.
If you read this, I curse you to live for one thousand years!
Mwah hah hah hah hah hah hah hah hah hah hah hah hah.
It's funny, because you probably think that's a good thing. But eventually you'll go mad, and hurt a lot of people.
Sucker!
...
*Runs away*

]]> ~DarkCrypt http://DarkCrypt.deviantart.com/journal/12276953/ http://DarkCrypt.deviantart.com/journal/12276953/ Wed, 21 Mar 2007 20:22:11 PDT Now, onto dog world...
Well I went to the dog pound today, to put in a resume ( Hey, that rhymed! Sweet!), because I was thinking it would be a sweet, sweet job to play with dogs all day. Because dogs are cool.
It's a big yellow building, with a picture on the side of a bunch of happy puppies, of different breeds, all frolicking in some sunny field.
...
But do you know what those motherfuckers at the pound do?! They kill dogs! That's right! My understanding is that if a dog isn't 'adopted' after a certain amount of time, they kill 'em.
Wtf!
I mean...I've drawn decapitated puppies before....but that's just pencil crayons... actually killing dogs is not cool. I guess it's to keep the population down, but I say fuck that... What's so bad about having dogs running around everywhere?
Those dirty dog pound scoundrels are going to hell!

So anyway...after I damned them all to eternal hellfire, I began wondering about a world in a distant galaxy...with huge dogs, and all kinds of fucked up alien breeds, and then some tiny dogs too...like, the size of ants.... And... tree-dogs, who live in trees....and mole dogs who tunnel underground. And of course, the elusive flying dog...
And, who knows...maybe the dogs have even developed far greater intelligence then our dogs, and can talk. With their minds !
I imagined dog world, and took comfort in the fact that it existed.
Oh yeah, and water-dogs... Guess what they do...
.
..
...
.....
........
...........
.............
...........
........
.....
...
..
.
They live in the water!


I wonder if you can make an intergalactic portal out of household items....
*wanders off*

]]> ~DarkCrypt http://DarkCrypt.deviantart.com/journal/12016660/ http://DarkCrypt.deviantart.com/journal/12016660/ Thu, 01 Mar 2007 16:48:35 PST What did you expect to find here? Culinary advice?
Well there will be none of that! No cooking tips or gardening advice, just a spontaneous urge to say pickle.

I tried drawing the other day, and was ghastlier than the ghastliest ghoul when I saw how much I suck now from not drawing enough. It's like the hand hates me or something... Maybe if I get it a shiny glove or something it will like me again. Until then, it stays in the bear trap.

On the upside though, my last journal was completely wrong...my most recent stuff *was* up in '06, not '05... So... I'm only half as lazy as I thought I was. And stupid, for not realizing that earlier. But's it's still a long damn time, and -- even though I've said this in my last two journals -- I intend on doing something... sometime. Soon.
N' stuff.
...
It's that damn Aqua Teen Hunger Force takin' up all my time! Damn you Meatwad!

*rolls away*

]]> ~DarkCrypt http://DarkCrypt.deviantart.com/journal/11549130/ http://DarkCrypt.deviantart.com/journal/11549130/ Wed, 24 Jan 2007 03:38:49 PST My time perception is fucked! I may or may not be experiencing Donnie Darko-like time skips.
Hmmm...
...
So... If the 'time skips' started going backwards, I would slowly become younger and younger until only a fetus, and then some goo, was all that was left! Which...is still arguably better than getting old and watching everyone around you die while your own body becomes fucked up in various ways...
...
Hmmm...
Oh yes, I've been a lazy son of a bitch for way too long in the drawing department. I suspect that a delicious hamburger I ate a year ago was actually my muse, having manifested itself into a physical form. Not knowing this, I ate it. And it was tasty. But...perhaps there's some gank left over from it in my arteries, if I'm lucky. Oh, how I long for artery gank.
Meh. I will draw someday. Some... day...
...

]]> ~DarkCrypt http://DarkCrypt.deviantart.com/journal/11390136/ http://DarkCrypt.deviantart.com/journal/11390136/ Wed, 10 Jan 2007 18:09:02 PST

Tippy awoke on the beach in a daze...angry at first because of the raging headache he had, and then
ectsatic to realize he was alive. He had thought
for sure that when the fat man jumped on him, he
had heard his neck snap...but upon closer inspection,
he found a crushed seashell underneath him.

Tippy began to laugh...slowly at first, and then faster
and louder. He was the luckiest turtle in the world!
He pulled his head inside his shell and carefully pulled
a paper out of the package with his mouth, setting
it gently in front of his face on the floor of the shell. He then picked up one of the buds he had stashed away earlier in the week and chewed it up, being careful not to moisten it with saliva. He spread the chopped, dry
bud into the paper and evened it out.
He noticed a small piece of stem portruding from the
pile of bud, and removed it with a quick flick of his nose.

Next was the hard part...the rolling. Tippy had perfected his technique over hundreds of years, but it was still difficult due to the absence of useable hands.

He began licking the inside of his shell very fast...he did this for a full five minutes, until the friction had
completey dried his little tongue and there was no moisture left whatsoever. He then stretched it out as far it could go, wrapping around one end of the filled paper
and then rolling it up against his shell into a fine cigarette shape. He then rubbed the sticky part of the paper on the moist part of the shell, where he had dried his tongue, and then stuck it. He was now the proud owner of a turtle-sized doobie!

Tippy popped his head back outside the shell and took a deep breath of the fresh air rolling off the sea. He whistled twice, and a small bird came flying down to the beach and landed right on top of his head. The bird began making bubbles with spit out of his beak. Most of the bubbles popped, but on the third try a magnificent spit bubble stuck out of the bird's beak. The rays of the sun travelled from behind them and passed through the makeshift magnifying glass, their power being amplified and focused into a lazer beam-like...uh...beam, which fell directly on the end of Tippy's joint, lighting it.

Tippy waved thanks as he inhaled the sweet, sweet smoke and
made a mental note to send that bird a bud when he harvested next year. He looked out over the ocean as he smoked, wondering what the day would bring.

*****Meanwhile, in Outer Space...********

Ciglor floated motionless, aside from the grinding of his huge jaws and occasional hatred-filled eye twitch. He had travelled his entire galaxy, devouring entire planet's worth of life, and now had begun to wonder if he was the only being left in the universe. Just as he did, a shiny red spiral became visible just ahead of him. He didn't know what it was, but was intrigued and wanted to see if he could kill it. Ciglor paddled with his muscular arms through space, slowly getting closer to what he would soon discover was an interdimensional portal. As the giant, living cigarette approached the portal, he began to smell the far off scent of life wafting through it. He smiled an evil grin as he continued gritting his teeth, and cracked his knuckles as he drifted into, and through, the portal.

Back on the beach, Tippy was high. I mean *really* high. Unbeknownst to him, the buds in his shell had become super-potent, due to some toxic waste that he had encountered a while ago. He giggled sporadically, his tiny eyes only half open as he did. He spun around on his shell a few times, just for fun, and began singing some Mozart as he slowly crawled away from the beach, towards his mansion. He took a break from singing to say, to no-one in particular..."Man...I got the fuckin' pasties! I gotta start getting Old Mr.Owl to roll my joints for me again...". Just as his 32 billion dollar estate came into view, Tippy noticed a large shadow looming on the ground where there had previously been nothing. At first, he was to figure out why it was there...but then, as he scratched head in curiosity against his shell, he glanced upwards and saw a giant, cylindrical shape high in the sky.
"Oh happy day!" Tippy giggled, believing aliens had finally come to show him the wonders of the universe. The thing in the sky left a long trail of black smoke behind it, as it quickly grew larger and larger.

"Oh, my...That's big..." Tippy said, suddenly becoming quite frightened. He assured himself it was just the pot and continued to watch with amazement. "I am Ciglor!" came a booming voice, from far overhead..." I shall kill you all, and then smoke your remains so as to be ironic! Mwah-hah-hah!".

Now Tippy really was scared. He began running as fast as he could towards his... ]]> ~DarkCrypt http://DarkCrypt.deviantart.com/journal/11201105/ http://DarkCrypt.deviantart.com/journal/11201105/ Tue, 26 Dec 2006 13:36:40 PST
Hey, here's an idea... I think that everyone who reads this should go find their oldest, crappiest, worst ever drawing and upload it into scraps, adding a link in your comment. It will be great, but only if YOU participate. And if no-one does, I swear to Christ I will hunt you all down like animals and make you sorry! And I won't just kill you, oh no... there will be weeks of agony as I remove your flesh and other ghsatly things. So just do it. Me? I have fucking boxes of disturbingly bad 'art' from childhood. Don't worry about me...

Oh yeah, A male golden retriever tried to hump me, because I smelled like a female golden retriever! I know I should've been embarassed, but it was flattering...because it was one fine lookin' dog.
....
Peace out my deviant homies.
Word.

]]> ~DarkCrypt http://DarkCrypt.deviantart.com/journal/10918221/ http://DarkCrypt.deviantart.com/journal/10918221/ Fri, 01 Dec 2006 20:34:26 PST Well!
Aren't you the clever one!
....
You've won this round, Batman, but I'll be back...and you'll be sorry!
.....
Seriously though, after years and years of aimless wandering and time wasting, I finally know what I want to be. It came to me while playing 'Morrowind'... My guy chopped another guy in the head with an axe, and it occured to me. The life-changing revelation, that is. Do you want to know what it was? Really, do you?
Okay, I'll tell since we're such good buddies.
Don't laugh at me.
....
I want to be a barbarian, travelling the lands with a bigass sword and killing dinosaur-like creatures with various magic spells and weaponry! And I'll eat steak with my hands instead of using cutlery, AND I'll grow a bigass beard and spill things in it.
And the pillaging and setting fires will be good too.
I shall melt down all my electronics into an iron cast of a longsword, creating my own crappy sword with which to do barbarian-like things. I'll need some armour too... And a crossbow. I'll have to be cunning to avoid modern day 'police', but with the proper spells or perhaps an invisibility ring, that should be no problem.
...
From this forth, I shall be known as Kog the Destroyer! Fear me! FEAR MEEEEEEE!!!!!!

]]> ~DarkCrypt http://DarkCrypt.deviantart.com/journal/10617889/ http://DarkCrypt.deviantart.com/journal/10617889/ Sat, 04 Nov 2006 19:53:56 PST
But I wasn't in space anymore, oh no... me and my space-dog were floating around in a grassy field, as various dinosaur-looking things grazed, eating the long grass. And then a giant, pissed off looking cigarette came stomping over a hill, directly at us. He had big muscular arms that ended in a tight fist, and big round white eyes that were bloodshot and angry. A steady stream of thick black smoke poured off the top of his cigarette head, nearly blocking out the purple sun.

"I am CIGLOR!" The cigarette screamed, crushing a few cute little dinosaurs under each of his massive feet.

"What the fuck!" I said, reaching quickly for my pipe, so as to escape the horror of the situation by simply getting high and studying some plant life. But Ciglor had other ideas! He kicked me in the shin, and I did a double backwards flip, unfortunately landing beside a velociraptor-lookin' thing, which was looking at me as if I were a delicious piece of chicken and salivating heavily.

I was about to fly away on space-dog, when a portal suddenly opened up and we were both zipped back into this dimension, just north of Omega Perseid 8! Suffice to say, it was an interesting day. Yeah, that rhymed. so what! I just told you about an incredible alternate dimension, and what I can only assume was the God of Cigarettes!

And he's still out there... By now he's probably killed everything on whatever planet that was, and launched himself into space to seek out new victims! And when he hits the center of THEIR universe, and finds THEIR black hole, he will be sent here, and eventually consume everything and everyone. And so from now on when I smoke, it will be a tribute...showing my loyalty to my new master. Just like the Silver Surfer and Galactus! I'll ride space-dog around to find Ciglor new planets to eat, and in exchange, he'll let us live. Sucks to be you people, I guess...
...
Maybe you could try smoking him? That might work...
.....
Well, I gotta go...me and space-dog are sculpting some aliens for a Belgian king, who wants to put on a play about sculpted aliens.

]]> ~DarkCrypt http://DarkCrypt.deviantart.com/journal/10416192/ http://DarkCrypt.deviantart.com/journal/10416192/ Mon, 16 Oct 2006 18:45:48 PDT ...
I have cut my long-ass stoner hair, and shaved my goatee and I now am incredibly good looking.
Not really, but I look much nicer than before.

For the last three days, I would come on to Deviantart, see that I had no messages, and then goto other internet places...and I just discovered that I just wasn't logged in any of those times.

So, if you commented on something or sent me a note or anything, I will reply to it, sometime later.

This night will probably suck very much for me, so none of you people get a silly story! No, your job is to sit and send me nice psychic thoughts while I'm off being a bitch for some company. No bad thoughts! Just nice things like bunnies and hot girls will do.

As an added bonus, if I receive your nice psychic thoughts clearly in my head, and it makes me feel nice, I will send you back twice as many nice thoughts, and all of your wildest dreams will come true.

Good day.

]]> ~DarkCrypt http://DarkCrypt.deviantart.com/journal/10343412/ http://DarkCrypt.deviantart.com/journal/10343412/ Tue, 10 Oct 2006 02:08:28 PDT There were 93 moderately well groomed electricians surrounding his house, and chanting evil things about electricity, and the devil! They all wore blue jumpsuits with name tags and blood stains, and their electrical tools hung from the belts, also covered in blood.

"Leave me alone, you damn dirty satanic electricians!" Bill screamed, throwing a small lamp out the window and hitting one square in the head. That particular electrician fell down dead, but soon two more took his place.

"What do you want! What do you fuckin' want! Oh my god, they're gonna eat my fucking brains! Sweet Jesus! Help me! HELP MEH!" Bill screamed until he was out of breath.

Out of the shadows stepped the head electrician, his eyes glowing a sickly green shade as he chewed on an ear..." We want the houses in this district to use EVIL electricity, instead of this cheap 'good' stuff!" He growled, biting half of the ear off and chewing it at an incredible speed.

"What do you mean! Electricity is electricity! There ain't no good eletricity and there ain't no bad electricity! It's all electricity! Electricity, electricity, electricity!"

"SHUT UP!" The head electrician yelled, finishing off the ear... "There actually IS good and bad electricity, you ordinary people just don't know it! You gotta be an electrician to know this stuff!"

"What the FUUUUUUUUUUUUCKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!" Bill screamed, in a Van Halen like manner, as he woke up in his bed, drenched in sweat and breathing heavily... " What the fuck...what the fuck...what the fuck..." Bill chanted, curled up into the fetal position.

"What's the matter, Bill?" Asked the weiner dog at the foot of his bed.

"I had the dream again..." Bill said, beginning to suck on his thumb.

"Satanic Electricians?" The dog asked, scratching behind his ear.

"Yesh" Bill said, drool now creeping down his thumb.

"Okay, you DO realize how fucked up that is, right Bill?" The dog asked, only slightly concerned.

"You're just a damn dog, you don't understand! None of you understand! I hate you and I wish you were dead!" ...And with that, bill hopped out of bed and crashed through window, falling 29 floors onto a paper mache hippopotamus statue that sick blind children had made. Just as he hit, Bill ACTUALLY woke up, and he was a fish...swimming chaotically in a small bowl. "Gubble, Gubble", he said, as he sucked the slime from the glass wall.

]]> ~DarkCrypt http://DarkCrypt.deviantart.com/journal/10266894/ http://DarkCrypt.deviantart.com/journal/10266894/ Tue, 03 Oct 2006 02:21:26 PDT
"Weren't you paying attention, Master Bruce?" Alfred said, a stern eyebrow raised up high.

"I'm sorry Alfred, I'm just preoccupied with discovering a way to reverse the genetic properties of the virus that is, as we speak, destroying Gotham City!"

"Oh, don't be so dramatic Master Bruce! It's just a flu! Those people will be fine in a few days..." Alfred began, " Now as for my question... It occured to me as I sat in the sitting room, wearing my sitting jacket and smoking a delightful sitting cigar... Why is it, Master Bruce, that there are large cats--by which I refer to lions, cougars, leopards..that sort of thing....But NO large dogs? I mean..there are big dogs...Saint Bernards and whatnot...but no LARGE dogs...does it not seem unfair to the canine species? Or perhaps there WERE giant dogs, but their friendly nature made them easy prey for less civilized creatures, and they were killed off... Tell me Master Bruce, I must know!"

Batman slouched in his chair, rubbing his eyes and trying not to swear..." Look...Alfred....FIRST of all, it's NOT just a flu...that's why there are dead bodies everywhere you go, and why armed guards have quarantined the city. SECOND of all, I am extremely upset that you have chosen this day to ponder the large dog question." Batman stood up, cracking his neck and wringing his fists.

"Master Bruce?" Alfred asked, perplexed.

"You see Alfred...The large dogs didn't go extinct, they're still here. They have just become so evolved that a normal human brain could not stand their psychic presence, and would completely melt, were they ever to meet." Batman said, stretching his back.

"Outstanding, Master Bruce!" Alfred gasped, astonished.

"Indeed." Batman said, pulling some bat-rope out of a drawer and stepping towards Alfred..." And any human posessing ANY knowledge of their existence would have to be instantly exterminated, to maintain the secrecy that the large dogs have enjoyed for a hundred BILLION years."

"Oh..my!" Alfred said, realizing his approaching fate.

"I'm sorry old chum, it's time to feed ya to the bats!" Batman laughed chaotically before grabbing Alfred's feet, and hanging him over the ledge, his butler's towel falling far below into the darkness of the cave.

"But Master Bruce! Surely the large dogs would adjust their policy, if you were to vouche for me...!" Alfred pleaded, crying like an orphan who opened a christmas present only to find a dead starved puppy
inside.

"Surely they would..." Batman considered briefly... "But I musn't bug them with such trivial matters, as have they have many important things to do." And with that, Batman dropped his long time friend and butler into the shadowy depths, and quickly vicious squeaks filled the cave, broken only by Alfred's screams for help.

"Son of a bitch!" Batman said, strutting back the bat-computer and sitting down. Suddenly a small monitor blipped on, and the Alpha dog's face came on the screen, chewing on a human femur.

"You didn't have to kill him, Bruce..." The large dog said regretfully..."You could have just said 'I don't know about large dogs Alfred..sorry...'!"

"I know." Batman said, annoyed... " But two weeks ago, I walked into the kitchen and saw him spit in my soup! In my SOUP! I suspect he's been doing it for years, and I only just now found out! So I fed the old fuck to the bats!"

"Good show, old chap!" The large dog said, eating a large tube of toothpaste.

"Fuckin 'a' right it was!" Batman said, chugging a beer.

And then Galactus ate Earth and everyone was converted into energy, in his galactic bowels.

The End

]]> ~DarkCrypt http://DarkCrypt.deviantart.com/journal/10034795/ http://DarkCrypt.deviantart.com/journal/10034795/ Mon, 11 Sep 2006 01:25:31 PDT
For instance, all creatures on Grog are conscious and have developed speech capacity ( curiously developing a language exactly the same as english ), and live in brick houses not unlike the ones we have today, on Earth.

Aside from the creature's amazing capacities, the only other difference is the absence of humans. This was the result of laws passed by the critter council, when 3 humans had gotten drunk and beaten a man-squirrel who took their nuts. That had been a disaster.

Anyway, today on Grog, Tippy Turtle had just arrived at his friend the disembodied human head's house. "Time for some tea... deedle-dee-dee... deedle-dee-dee" Tippy sing, in an angelic voice, as he knocked on his unfortunate friend's door.

"Come in, God damn it!" A rough voice yelled from inside.
"Tra la laaa.." Tippy sang, stepping in and wiping his feet on the mat. "I've come for tea, my good fellow!" Tippy said casually walking into the kitchen.

On the table, in his usual spot, was Disembodied Human head. Yes, that was his name--Disembodied Human Head, but he also WAS a disembodied human head. He had experienced many negative situations in school, when the children had taunted him...saying things like " One day you'll get decaper-tated, and then you'll be just a stupid head!". He had taken the comments as hurtful jabs, not prophecy, and then one day, 90 years later, he actually WAS decapitated and continued to live, mystifying physicians.

And now here he was, still bleeding from his neck-stump and stirring a cup of steaming tea with a spoon held firmly between his teeth. "Damn it, Tippy! I said four o'clock, not four fucking fifteen! If you're late again I'll cancel tea time and you won't get any of those donuts that you love so much!"

"Sorry..." said Tippy, hanging his head..." I got looking at these pretty flowers in the forest, and then Mr. Bear was telling me about his recipe for honey muffins and I lost track of time... I'm sorr..." Disembodied Human Head cut him off... " I don't give a damn your gay-ass recipes or what that stupid fuck Mr.Bear has to say about anything! Sit the hell down and pour this tea before it gets colder!"

Tippy, almost crying, yelped " You know what, D.H.H?!! I don't think you need to be so ornery all the time just because you're just a head! Ever since the accident, it's 'fuck this' and 'fuck that', and 'fuck you, you little turtle bitch'.... I just think you should be happy instead of bringing down everyone around you!"

Disembodied Human Head took a deep breath, struggling to contain his rage..."Please sit and pour the f... pour the tea. Please."

"Certainly!" Tippy smiled, daintily reaching for the tea pot and a mug..."You see, D.H.H... isn't it nice when people are nice?".

Disembodied Human Head shivered slightly with rage, and his face began to twitch every few seconds as his lips turned into a deranged smile. His eyes were now glowing completely red, and he let out a long laugh before speaking..." Foolish turtle. If you knew anything about the ancient magic of the disembodied human heads, you would have known that our powers can only be used within 3 feet of our enemies! And now you will buuuurn!!!"

Tippy screamed "Nooooo...", before becoming engulfed in psychedelic flames which burned not only his body, but his very soul. He could hear the disembodied human head still laughing, a high-pitched, psychotic sounding laugh, but he could see nothing, as his eyes had melted from their sockets before falling bubbling to the floor. "Oh God! Whyyy! WHYYYY!" Tippy screamed in a Van-Halen-esque scream.

Suddenly the noise of the flames ceased, and Tippy found himself back at the kitchen table, with a cup of tea in his hand. Disembodied Human Head sat in his usual place, looking friendly and sipping tea with a straw.

"What the hell just happened!" Tippy said, falling off his chair and reassuring himself that he indeed hadn't been on fire, by rolling in circles and performing various breakdancing moves.

"I slipped acid into your tea, and then you just started freaking out...talking about fire and whatnot..." D.H.H said.

"Well I didn't like it, not one bit!" Tippy pouted, before stomping outside and down the road.

Disembodied Human Head waited for Tippy to disappear from sight, before his evil laughter returned, and his eyes began to glow red again. "I shall drive that turtle to the brink of insanity to thwart his optimistic, less-than-punctual ways... and then...and ONLY then...will he be fit to claim his rightful throne, as ruler of Hell!"

~DarkCrypt http://DarkCrypt.deviantart.com/journal/9811237/ http://DarkCrypt.deviantart.com/journal/9811237/ Tue, 22 Aug 2006 01:40:34 PDT
Now, all of this would seem relatively normal and not at all fantastic, if it weren't for the fact that Demmo could speak seven different languages, and was over eight thousand years old. That's right, I said it.

Every day, Demmo would awake at dawn and poke his horn-ed head out of his spikey shell, to reassure himself that his island had not been invaded overnight by one of the forest creatures. After patrolling the beach and discovering no threat, he would waddle into one of the many puddles that littered the beach and flap his little turtle feet, which in turn would attract the tasty tadpoles.

Some days he would sing Mozart songs, in perfect pitch, which he had heard back in 1908, echoing off of a passing ship. Other days, he would sing Nirvana songs, which he had learned using crazy psychic powers to invade the minds of far off fans, wagging his little turtle tail the whole time.

Today, Demmo decided not to sing, and instead took pleasure in mocking a small monkey who had become entangled in thick weeds, just across the river on the mainland. "You monkey's think you're so fucking smart...", Demmo laughed, throwing rocks..." But look at ya! Caught in the weeeds!".

Just then a friendly looking bear wandered by and helped the monkey, deftly cutting the weeds away with a few powerful swipes of his paw. "Damn you, bear! You always ruin my fun!" Demmo yelled, shaking a tiny turtle fist in the air. "Raaaawrrr!" Replied the bear, not knowing english.

His fun ruined, Demmo returned to the beach, with his head hung low, and his spirits crushed. "I wanted that monkey to die!" He screamed out loud..." To fall in the river and drown! Or to be pounced on by a passing cheetah or rhinocerous! But what do I get?! He gets rescued!!! By that god damned fucking friendly bear! What kind of shit is this?!! What kind of god could allow that monkey to go on living?!! Where's the JUSTICE?!!!"

Demmo fell to his...uh...little turtle knees, crying... his appetite for violence had caused him much pain over the years, watching tiny animals in danger, awaiting a bloodbath..only to have it thwarted by the friendly bear, who protected the forest critters. His day ruined, Demmo retrieved a large bottle of whiskey from his mansion, and drank half the bottle before lazily waddling back to the beach.

He had just begun throwing up on a small crab, when movement caught his eye. He finished puking, and moved closer to get a better view. What he saw next was the most incredible occurence of his twenty thousand, six hundred and ninety two year existence.

Half on the beach was a large, expensive looking yacht, with bright white paint and sexy blue lines on it. As Demmo stood there, studying the curious craft, a morbidly obese rich man in a tuxedo decided to urinate off the side of the ship, directly onto Demmo's once glorious shell!

Demmo gasped, shocked by what had happened, and felt the fury rising up inside of him..."You motherfu..." He began, just as the fat man hopped overboard, and landed directly on Demmo's neck, killing him instantly.

"That there turtle needs to watch where he's uh-sun bathin' uh-hyuck!" The fat man said, before hopping back on his boat, and heading back out to sea, completely unaware that he had just murdered the oldest intelligent life form in the universe.

I bet you wanted Demmo to live, didn't you! You freak! He was just a fictional fucking turtle! Do not cry for Demmo, for he never existed, and that fate is much less humiliating. ]]> ~DarkCrypt http://DarkCrypt.deviantart.com/journal/9671311/ http://DarkCrypt.deviantart.com/journal/9671311/ Wed, 09 Aug 2006 23:06:48 PDT
"We have to kill it!" Wolverine snarled, kicking Spidey in the shin..."That duck will kill us all, you fool!"

"Ow! He's just a little furry duck! He can't hurt us, he just wants to grow up and lay eggs!" Spidey screamed, almost crying.

"That duck is the embodiment of all that is unholy and evil!" Wolverine said, kicking the duck ( Which let out a quick 'qwaack!'.)

"You're insane!.." Spider-man began " I won't let you hurt him!" And with that, he shot a web at a nearby rooftop and was about to jump away, when Wolverine cut off his feet with a quick swipe.

"God damn, that hurts!" Spider-Man screamed in agony, unintentionally landing on his pet duck and smooshing it dead.

"Hah hah hah!" Wolverine pointed and laughed..."Now your duck is dead, AND you have no feet, you stupid son of a bitch!"

"Nooo!" Said Spidey, weeping, as he felt the goo that had been his duck..."He was just...just a little...duck!"

Wolverine was about to smack him again, when the gooey duck corpse began to glow...first a little, and then it grew and grew, until the entire alley was filled with blinding red light. There was a crunching sound, and the light suddenly disappeared. In it's place, a five foot tall zombie duck stood, smoking a cigarette and laughing a hearty, demon-duck laugh.

"Quack! You fools! I was trapped safely inside that little yellow duck through magic, and you just destroyed my prison and freed me! Suckers!" And with that, the duck-thing flew off into the night sky, quacking a nefarious quack that would chill Satan to the bone.

And speaking of Satan, just then he came around the corner and shouted "Where's my pet duck?!". Spidey had passed out from blood loss, and was probably dead, so Wolverine said "He's dead, you horn-ed bitch! And you're next!"

Satan began to weep, and curled up into the fetal position on the cold alley pavement. "Aww, come on..." Wolverine said, kicking Satan in the ear..." You're the devil....Don't cry...You're supposed to be tough and stuff..ultimate evil and all that..."

Satan screamed and cried louder..."Ow! my fuckin' ear! I hate you Wolverine, I hate you and I wish you were dead!"

"Shut up!" Wolverine said, cutting off Spider-Man's arm and forcing it down Satan's throat..." You're gonna eat this ENTIRE superhero without complaining, or I'll hit your ear again and again until it turns blue and falls off!"

"God help me!" Satan prayed, trying to swallow the bloody blue and red arm.

Just then, Mary Jane came around the corner and stood in shock...."Peter! oh my God!"

Wolverine felt ashamed "Aww shucks, Mary Jane.... It was..a terrible acccident! Satan ate him, and there was nothing I could do! Isn't that right, Satan?!"

Satan nodded, still crying, and continued trying to swallow the arm.

"You see?" Wolverine said, hugging Mary Jane..."So why don't you come back to the x-mansion with me, and we'll talk about our favorite memories of Peter!"

"Meh..." Mary Jane replied... "I never liked him anyway...it wasn't that bad, except for him beating me every day!"

"Spider-man beat you?" Wolverine asked, shocked...

"Oh yes, he would web me upside down and then coerce blindfolded children into hitting me with a bat...they thought I was a pinata, and they beat me good!"

"What a bastard!" Wolverine said, kicking the now decapitated corpse of Spider-man..."Let's go get some pizza, with ground beef on it!"

"Okay.." Said Mary Jane, spitting on Peter's disembodied head as she stepped over Satan, who now appeared to be choking... "What aout him?" She asked...

"Oh, he'll be fine!" Wolverine said, handing Satan a knife and fork to make his job easier.

"Thank you, sir..." Satan mumbled...

"Shut up, bitch!" Wolverine yelled, and walked away with Mary Jane. ]]> ~DarkCrypt http://DarkCrypt.deviantart.com/journal/9612465/ http://DarkCrypt.deviantart.com/journal/9612465/ Sat, 05 Aug 2006 22:21:20 PDT Meh... Whatever!
Now here's a poem I just wrote on a different site. Kind of a different direction for my journal to go, but hey...they can't all be silly nonsense...

The Sad Truth

The rage I had for you is gone
Dissolved in time and poems and songs
And every day seems not so long
Despite the darkness, burning strong.
The hate evolved, now something new
Fuelled by so much more than you
The world, this place, still so unfair
Seems everyone's their only care
Barbaric acts in every land
Children killed, by mother's hand
An age old feud still in demand
Raised to hate, their fellow man.
The rockets fly and bombs will fall
And both sides hear their fake God's call
A call for blood of those they hate
Their homes destroyed, their women raped
And when it's won, it starts anew
Just when the sky returned to blue
Whatever the reason, it's nothing new
'We are so much better than you'
Their absent Gods galvanize their fates
And steal the food, from children's plates
And all the while they'll praise his reign
Oblivious to their family's pain.
...
This cycle lasts as long as us
And ends in ashen nuclear dust
The towns reduced to blood and rust
And all because of misplaced trust.
.... ]]> ~DarkCrypt http://DarkCrypt.deviantart.com/journal/9559088/ http://DarkCrypt.deviantart.com/journal/9559088/ Mon, 31 Jul 2006 20:47:46 PDT
And I think it's high time the military started making some giant war mechs, just because it would be sweet. Big ass robots with lots of guns n' stuff... you know it's gonna happen eventually, so why not just make the damn things!

Also, Kurt Cobain was spotted flying over Mexico, wearing a black cape and screaming at random civilians! Weird... ]]> ~DarkCrypt http://DarkCrypt.deviantart.com/journal/9449042/ http://DarkCrypt.deviantart.com/journal/9449042/ Fri, 21 Jul 2006 14:02:16 PDT So...
...
Shouldn't there be 'longsword' lightsabers? Like, lightsabers only with much larger 'blades'? That would be sweet. Or broadsword lightsabers, with thicker blades... Yeah, that'd be swell.
....
I would totally chop random things up if I had a lightsaber...Street lamps...mailboxes...cars....cows.....it wouldn't matter really, I'd chop it. I guess the jedi's wouldn't like that about me though, so I'd have to be a Sith. And Sith are mean. I don't want to hang around mean people, I just want to chop stuff.
....
And I want a wookie. Named Frank.
...
Frank would be abnormal in that he was born with large, rabbit like ears...very strange for a wookie, but that's why he's special. Also, he would travel time in alternate dimensions and help people get their jet engines in the right places to end their tangent universes and restore the reg-uh-lur universe. Only my wookie would really be an evil rabbit-lookin' thing, not a dude in a mask.
....
And my Frank would have a long tail that was very agile, so he could wield swords with it, like Nightcrawler.
....
Nightcrawler's pretty cool.
...
Duh-nuh-nuh-nuh-NAAH.....NIGHTCRAWLER!
Duh-nuh-nuh-nuh-NAAH.....NIGHT-CRAWL-ER!
Swingin' a sword with his tail all day
Helpin' to make evil people go away
His skin is blue but he ain't no freak
He's just like you, or me or Mystique...
Duh-nuh-nuh-nuh-Naah...NIGHTCRAWLER!!!
NIGHT-CRAWL-ERRRRRR.....
{Drum solo}
{Bass solo}
{Flute solo}
{6 minutes of silence}
NIGHTCRAWLER!
.....
That song fucking rocks. ]]> ~DarkCrypt http://DarkCrypt.deviantart.com/journal/9244721/ http://DarkCrypt.deviantart.com/journal/9244721/ Sat, 01 Jul 2006 18:42:36 PDT
Todai I saw the preview for Clerks 2...That's awesome. Now I just have to convince...or make...Mr.Burton do the same with Nightmare. This won't be easy. I'll have to kidnap Burton, Elfman, and like 500 animators/movie industry people, as well as their equipment. And there's not enough room in this house, so we'll have to set them up in a farmer's field or something, under guard.

I'll even make it super easy on ol' Timmy and write the story for him, so he can just direct and...drink..or whatever it is he does all day. I'll have an insidious villain with a pumpkin for a head try and usurp Jack's pumpkin king throne, and...some...evil but cool chick for Sally to thwart...AND a skeleton pitbull for Zero to battle. Of course there will be appearances by "Jelly Brains" guy, and those 'little guy-bigger-guy-biggest-guy-with-hats' guys...and the dancing skeletons...actually everyone will be in it.

I will feed the crew slices of cheese and water to keep them alive, and if anyone slacks off I'll dress them like a clown and hang them on a scarecrow pole in the middle of the set to humiliate them and serve as a warning to the other movie people. They'll hate me, and beg to go see their families, but I'll say "NO! This sequel will be around FOREVER, and you and your puny human families are but a speck of time in the desert of being!"...and they'll say..."You can't keep us here! This is against the law!"...and I'll say..."I can do whatever I want, because I'm the pumpkin king!"...and then they'll all look at me weird and get creeped out and go back to their jobs.

After 2 years, it will be completed. I'll let everybody go and they'll give me mean looks as they leave....but then Hollywood will call and say " We want that movie. Bad. And we'll give you a trillion billion dollars and a talking dog to sell it to us. And then I will. And then I'll send all my former captives fat cheques and they'll be like "You're not sad bad..", and then give me fuzzy warm hugs, and then Danny and Burton will call and say " You were right man, we should have been doing that anyway, instead of wasting time shearing sheep in Ireland and robbing second hand clothes stores in Albania!". And I'll say "That's alright...you guys got rich and lost your way...but now you know. You must produce as many movies with the Hallowe'en town cast as you possibly can before you die, and when you do...I'll just take over and keep making more.

And then I'll buy Deviantart and make everything black orange and yellow. ]]> ~DarkCrypt http://DarkCrypt.deviantart.com/journal/9216063/ http://DarkCrypt.deviantart.com/journal/9216063/ Wed, 28 Jun 2006 23:49:01 PDT What the hell!
It wasn't tuned too high either, it was tuned too low!
How the hell can that happen?!! That's right, it can't!
...
So there's only one reasonable explanation, and that's that an egyptian spirit has invaded my guitar, and is filled with rage over having lost his pyramid, or some such nonsense...
So the only thing I can do is wait and hope it doesn't mummify me or pull my brain through my nose with those sharp string-ends! This sucks. ]]> ~DarkCrypt http://DarkCrypt.deviantart.com/journal/9062151/ http://DarkCrypt.deviantart.com/journal/9062151/ Wed, 14 Jun 2006 00:56:35 PDT I say we just collectively say 'fuck it', and mess this planet up good to get to the moon quicker. I will do my part by burning things and not recycling anymore, as well as making sure to spill a little bit of gas everytime I fill up the lawnmower.

Once on the moon, I will light a joint and have it in my mouth when I put my spacesuit on, creating a thc-fuelled environment in my helmet, before bouncing around for hours and scouting for u.f.o's. Also, it would be a sweet view of the Earth burning or exploding or whatever it's doing at the time.

Also, I think dogs should be brought along when the planet is evacuated, because dogs are nice and they like to eat things...and it would be pretty great seeing a dog in a space suit. That would be outstanding. ]]> ~DarkCrypt http://DarkCrypt.deviantart.com/journal/8974703/ http://DarkCrypt.deviantart.com/journal/8974703/ Mon, 05 Jun 2006 03:43:42 PDT
Naturally I started wondering about a Hallowe'en town dimension, where I could possibly hang out with Jack Skellington and make people out of dead bodies and leaves, creating an army to assimilate Christmas town. I had already begun clawing at my face, in an attempt to make myself into a monster to smooth the transition between dimensions, when a little door slid open on the side of the disc and what can only be described as an alligator-man stepped out.

He sniffed around for a while before grabbing three trout out of the river and tossing them in the ship. He was about to eat a passing wild chicken when he noticed me standing there, smoking a pipe. "Gizzle gack fogus!" He said, in a alligator-man voice. "Me no speaky the alligatorese!" I said, appauled at his presumption that I did. "Oh!..." He began "I am Chucacabra...I fly a technologically advanced spacecraft to other planets and then eat chickens and mutilate cows!"
"Why?" I said, half-hiding behind a tree. "Because! I am Chucacabra...I fly a technologically advanced spacecr.."

"Is that the only sentence in english that you know?!" I said.
"I...am Chucacabra..." He started... "Yes, very good. You're Chucacabra...But what I'm asking you is, can you say anything else or just that rant about you, the spaceship, and chickens?"

He just looked at me stupidly.
"How the fuck can you design and pilot THAT kind of ship when you're really just a stupid beast, hungry for the flesh of animals?" I yelled, before throwing a rock at him.

"I am Chucacabra..." He said, starting to cry..."I fly a technologically advanced.." He started back towards the ship.

"Loser!" I yelled, throwing another rock at the ship as it took off and disappeared into the sky.

Then I went swimming and found a rock that looks like a dinosaur egg. ]]> ~DarkCrypt http://DarkCrypt.deviantart.com/journal/8890209/ http://DarkCrypt.deviantart.com/journal/8890209/ Sat, 27 May 2006 06:29:32 PDT
Well, fuck that!
A nice trimmed lawn IS nice to look at, but so boring! Those dandelions and..whatever the hell those white 'weeds' are add a very nice atmosphere to the all consuming green-ness.
I briefly considered abolishing lawn mowing all together, and either convincing everyone else that I was right, or murdering them where they stand...however I reluctantly decided against both of those options, both because I'm not that vocally charismatic, and I no longer have the rage to kill dozens of people on a whim. And the grass will eventually get so long that it'll hide those precious plants. But I want to state for the record that if we just fucking reclassified those things as flowers, our lawns would be much more magical...not unlike tiny jungle ecosystems, with God knows what kind of mysterious creatures thriving in there...

But that's not what I'm writing about, oh no.
The first thing that fucked with my head was this:
A Nebraska man who molested a twelve year old girl was sentenced to ten years PROBATION, instead of jail because....wait for it.....he was too short. The judge felt he was too small to incarcerate. The guy was 5'1.
Stuff like this is why I hate the vast majority of the world, and have very little desire to participate in it. The lack of logic and compassion is fucking mind boggling, and the stupidity is multiplied exponentially by the fact that this judge still has a job. The decision is being appealed, but he's in no danger of losing his job. This is why we NEED paid vigilantes like The Batman or The Punisher, to provide justice where there is none. That sounds silly, because I mentioned Batman..but...I would be fucking cheering if I saw on Tv that some masked vigilante had murdered, or viciously beaten, a paroled child molester, and so would you.
So my fellow friendly internet users, I promise you this: If I ever find myself a billionaire, I will either create and run a team of vigilantes, or become one myself.

And the second thing was...( And though I do enjoy the Mary Jane, this is not pothead rhetoric...) Researchers at Ucla have determined that marijuana does not cause lung cancer, and in fact that it rids the body of dead cells before they can become cancerous. So, and maybe my drug-riddled brain is completely wrong about this, could that possibly be the reason that a harmless drug is still illegal and putting thousands of otherwise law-abiding citizens in jail every year?
Because people getting lung cancer is profitable?
Money makes me want to vomit an endless stream of ghastly ghouls who will cover the Earth, devouring the rich and greedy, and making things right, not profitable.

And something else is....I've thought a lot about aliens over the years, like that maybe they created us by adding their dna to monkeys thousands of years ago before leaving, or that they're actually time-travelling humans, come back for our healthy dna to replenish their technologically dependant weak race... But.. What if aliens are the next step in human evolution....we die, our 'energy' is transported somewhere, and inhabits an alien body, all in a natural process not unlike the metamorphosis of a butterfly. "So why wouldn't they just fly back and say "Hey mom, I'm not dead I'm just an alien now.." Well, there's lots of reasons for that. Maybe memory is lost in the transition, or their society has rules against that sort of thing...or maybe aliens can only speak greek...
Whatever the hell is up with those guys, I like 'em.
Even if they're secretly ruling Earth...I don't mind, I'd just like to meet one long enough to knock him unconscious and steal his spaceship.

After many seconds of deliberation on these subjects, I have come to two conclusions. Firstly, I will be a much happier person if I never, ever watch Cnn again...

And secondly, it is not impossible that we have been flooded with aliens in books, tv, movies, etc just to make the idea of the real thing seem laughable.

Oh, and we should have figured out a way to genetically engineer grass to only grow to a certain height, and thus making obsolete the gas guzzling lawnmowers. ]]> ~DarkCrypt http://DarkCrypt.deviantart.com/journal/8791032/ http://DarkCrypt.deviantart.com/journal/8791032/ Tue, 16 May 2006 17:31:46 PDT With children laying on the ground
None of them will hear the sound
Before atomic Sam comes round
Their bones and flesh will disappear
As shockwaves form and then draw near
The soft blue sky no longer clear
The last thing on their minds was fear
Then buildings crumble, blow away
That soft blue sky now crimson grey
And everything they had to say
Will die with them this blackened day
The birds will fall and dogs will turn
Eating masters while they burn
And people watching all around
Applaud the horrid, thunderous sound
The fears they had no longer found
The day is black when Sam comes round ]]> ~DarkCrypt http://DarkCrypt.deviantart.com/journal/8726163/ http://DarkCrypt.deviantart.com/journal/8726163/ Wed, 10 May 2006 00:06:06 PDT The "fucked up timing" thing gets old after a song or two, their lyrics are like stereotypical 80's rock cliches, and for about 10 years, I assumed they had a female singer because of Geddy's voice. Rush Sucks ass.
So, In my head I played Nirvana. Not nearly as technically advanced, but SO much better. Some losers who don't like Nirvana say Kurts lyrics are nonsensical, but that's part of why I like 'em so much. So then I imagined a zombie Kurt, a traditionally hammered Krist, and a Dave Grohl on acid, EATING the Rush guys' faces, while they scream in weird, non-melodic timing. And that made me smile.
So tonight, I'll focus my super-efficient psychic ray on the center of the universe, creating a Galactus-like Kurt who can breathe in outer space.
And then when astronomers discover him floating out there, it will be all the rage to worship Nirvana, and children will urinate on Rush cd's in the streets.

...
Now, burn it! ]]> ~DarkCrypt http://DarkCrypt.deviantart.com/journal/8537070/ http://DarkCrypt.deviantart.com/journal/8537070/ Fri, 21 Apr 2006 02:13:05 PDT ANYWAY..
Junkies are gross!
I don't understand how people could even consider trying to inject drugs... that's about as much lack of respect for yourself as you can possibly have..
Well..That and the prostitution..
Silly junkies.
Have you never heard of...the Batman?
Do you think Bruce fucking Wayne will give a damn about your tumultuous childhood, when he glides down from a rooftop and roundhouse kicks you in the face, as you crouch in some alley, shooting poison into your veins?! NO! Bruce'll fly down, fuck you up, and fly away before you even know what happened! So if not for your own body, avoid heroin because of what the Batman will do to you. And don't think it's that cheesy old 'Holy jumping Jehovah witness, Robin!' Batman.. It's the psychotic, pseudo-schizophrenic Batman, who thinks of himself as two different people, and keeps dead animals piled up in his cave! Do not fuck with Batman.

Next subject, the endangered canadian Yeti.
I don't know much about ..uhh.. ANY other country in the world..but..Here in Canada, our Yeti population is apparently getting low...there's only 3 known yetis left, and they all live at the Toronto zoo, in secret rooms way in the back.
The original plan had been to breed them in captivity, and then replenish the population, but it turns out two of the three yetis are gay! That's right, gay yetis! So, the one female yeti is pissed off and hurts people, and the two male yetis just stay in their rooms, watching old reruns of 'I love Lucy'!
So please, PLEASE.. Write letters to your local zoos and request that they lend Canada a heterosexual male yeti. We can keep the dream alive! ]]> ~DarkCrypt http://DarkCrypt.deviantart.com/journal/8492208/ http://DarkCrypt.deviantart.com/journal/8492208/ Sun, 16 Apr 2006 18:05:16 PDT I walked upstairs to get a fish, when all of the sudden the front door explodes and there's this angry little ball there. I just stood there, holding the squirmy, floppy fish in my hand. Before long, drool started to collect and pour out of my gaping mouth and onto my fluffy white bunny sweater. Then the ball sprouted legs and I could see two beady red little eyes loking out at me. It spoke: 'What's up. I'm the galactic porcupine and I've come to show you the universe. Come with me to my rocket boots and we'll tour.'

As tempted as I was, I didn't trust the little fella.. Maybe it was the blood on his teeth, or the fingers in his pockets..whatever it was, I knew he was just an ordinary porcupine, out to rob some people of their socks. It was prime time for this sort of thing.. just after winter, the porcupines get all cranky and suddenly think they deserve socks ( beats the hell out of me what they use them for..). So I said 'Okay buddy, let me grab my fluffy white bunny shoes and I'll be right out.."

After two hours, he gave up swearing at my front door and rolled away amidst a smokey blue haze.

I think it MIGHT have actually been a galactic porcupine! But my own pessimism thwarted what could have been the most important adventure for both myself, AND the human race! Son of a bitch!
Oh yeah, his name was Jesus ( pronounced hay-zeus ). ]]> ~DarkCrypt http://DarkCrypt.deviantart.com/journal/8464605/ http://DarkCrypt.deviantart.com/journal/8464605/ Fri, 14 Apr 2006 00:01:10 PDT How I long for the days of thinly sliced, plastic wrapped fruit rollups. Strawberry.. Orange... Man...
Fruit.. Fuckin.. Rollups..
Rock on man...
Rock
On ]]> ~DarkCrypt http://DarkCrypt.deviantart.com/journal/8327089/ http://DarkCrypt.deviantart.com/journal/8327089/ Fri, 31 Mar 2006 19:58:29 PST I
want
a
fucking
rocket
ship
. ]]> ~DarkCrypt http://DarkCrypt.deviantart.com/journal/8267209/ http://DarkCrypt.deviantart.com/journal/8267209/ Sat, 25 Mar 2006 16:55:37 PST ~DarkCrypt http://DarkCrypt.deviantart.com/journal/8132709/ http://DarkCrypt.deviantart.com/journal/8132709/ Sat, 11 Mar 2006 16:56:36 PST Wow man, wow.
But no matter how much I like dogs, or how friendly and loyal they may seem... I can never forget that, if I died, it would only be a matter of days before my dog ate me. That little bastard.. No respect!
Fuck that furry fuck! I don't need no synthetic loyalty! From now on, I'm not even gonna pet that selfish beast!
Death to all dogs!
Arrrrr!!!
Ah-Harrrrrrrrr! ]]> ~DarkCrypt http://DarkCrypt.deviantart.com/journal/8070550/ http://DarkCrypt.deviantart.com/journal/8070550/ Sun, 05 Mar 2006 01:56:03 PST Agggggg.....
Arrrrrrrrr!
I believe that in the center of the universe there is a gargantuan cow. This cow is filled to the brim with tasty burgers, and at any second it could just pop..sending delicious cosmic patties everywhere. They would chop planets in half ( Not because they're sharp, just from sheer velocity..), destroy entire asteroid fields, and eventually float softly through the atmosphere and down to earth's spicy surface. People would be wary, but sooner or later someone would wander up and taste the burger. They would be ghastlier than the ghastliest ghoul when they discovered how frickin tasty it was, and soon everyone on Earth would be out, searching for one of the giant extraterrestrial burgers to munch on. Cows and vegetarians would disregard their moral values and munch away, because it was THAT delicious.
And then they would all wash it down with a coke!
God bless that fucking cosmic cow with the burgers in it's belly!

P.S. Fish sucks! Except for those little fish sticks, but I'm not even sure they're fish..

Some Post-Script-Script:

I would cannibalize a kitten for a good burger right now.
....
Actually, I'm gonna do that anyway..for lack of good burgers. ]]> ~DarkCrypt http://DarkCrypt.deviantart.com/journal/8002927/ http://DarkCrypt.deviantart.com/journal/8002927/ Sat, 25 Feb 2006 20:21:25 PST Axl Rose...raping...Mario!
What a sight!
Axl, the redneck-rock, career died in the 80's, "Shut yo bitch up!" Rose, violating the lovable frontman of such adventurous games as "SuperMario" and..the other SuperMario games!

Where do brains get this stuff? It's like having an entire film crew in your head, and any time you want you can see some new fucked up movie just by imagining it. Well, not really..but..the above scenario gave me a pretty clear mental image. I bet Axl would do that to Mario too, the bitch! No respect!

It's time for the madness to end. We need to have a MASSIVE charity campaign to build a huge rocket ship and send all the 80's rockers into the sun, before it's too late.

Remember, If space is infinite..and anything that COULD occur DID occur...Then somewhere, somehow, an Axl could be raping a Mario. And that scares the hell out of me.
I can only hope that my conscious efforts to project a psychic shield around the molested Mario work...but I'll never know for sure. ]]> ~DarkCrypt http://DarkCrypt.deviantart.com/journal/7958530/ http://DarkCrypt.deviantart.com/journal/7958530/ Tue, 21 Feb 2006 01:49:08 PST
No fucking cars or buildings or smog or commercials or stupid people or ANYTHING that bothers me! The fuzzy critters will build me a stage, to play guitar for them, and I'll become their king..though, I'll be humble enough to just be their friend..I won't boos them around or anything.

And, in a few hundred thousand years, when the humans finally find my planet, They'll be rounded up as they land and put in large habitats for observation. Beer will flow from taps coming out of the ground, and giant skittles will fall from above, occasionally crushing some of the fuzzy critters. That's sad, but it's the horrible truth about life on Phantasmagoria. That's my planet's name. Phantasmagoria. It will be Hallowe'en all year, just like Hallowe'en Town.

I'm building a rocket tonight, and the twin microwave engines are more than enough to escape the atmosphere.
Yes, you can come..but you have to bring a toothbrush and a bag of food to plant. I want wookies too, but I think that's asking for too much...

Now...to the laboratory! ]]> ~DarkCrypt http://DarkCrypt.deviantart.com/journal/7930555/ http://DarkCrypt.deviantart.com/journal/7930555/ Sat, 18 Feb 2006 00:44:14 PST
Slightenly hesitant, I reached my hand out toward the bag and then quickly kicked him in the shin and ran the other way. He was screaming stuff in spanish..something about a galactic egg, but I didn't pay any attention. I had already stumbled onto a fat little elf, who was drunkenly smoking crack out of a long pipe. "What the hell, little elf!" I said, showing my disappointment through a wag of my finger..'You shouldn't smoke crack, little elf.. It will fuck you up forever!'

He just rolled onto his side, taking a giant puff from the pipe..
"Hey buddy..You think jus' cause Imm a elf im a crackhead? Screw you bastard!"

I was scared..this little elf could be capable of anything..so I spoke slowly.. "Where do ya live, friendly little fella?"

"Fuck off!" He snorted, lighting the pipe again.

"Well fuck you then!" I said, irritated-ly "I'm just tryin to show you that crack is bad, so you can make more presents and be a more productive member of Santa's society, dick!"

"Look here, ya bashterd!" He said, wobbly standing up..

I looked into the funny little pipe..He pointed a fat elven finger at the white substance in the 'bowl'..
"It's fucking sugar, ya daft prick!" He said, abruptly slapping me hard, and making me cry on the inside.. " I'm a fucking elf, and elves like sugar! We eat it like pancakes, tomatoes, and apples! We drink it like coke slushees, whiskey, and milk, and we abuse it instead of hard drugs that fuck you up! So what do ya have to say about that, sucka?!"

"Oh" I said, ashamed at my assumption of the elfs dependancy..

"Now fuck off, ya blimey friggin elf hater, and take your stupid bear with you!"

That's when I looked behind me, and a huge bear ate my face! ]]> ~DarkCrypt http://DarkCrypt.deviantart.com/journal/7797830/ http://DarkCrypt.deviantart.com/journal/7797830/ Sat, 04 Feb 2006 09:03:49 PST Her parents kept her quiet in the basement like a mouse

Her hair was dark as midnight, and her eyes were shaded grey

She never saw the sunlight, and she NEVER got to play

'Too Morbid' Said her mother, of the child's evil ways
'Much too angry' Said her father, Who would beat her every day

So she hung out with the spiders in the cellar deep and dark
And she would spy on happy children playing nearby in the park

Her favorite day was in October when the ghosts came out to scare

And she would jump right up behind them, with the spiders in her hair

And every year the ghosts would spook, drop their candy, run away
And she would take it to the basement, sit alone and laugh all day

Then one year there came October and her parents went away
At least that's what the townsfolk thought, not knowing what to say

But deep inside her room the little girl knew where they were
They were feeding friendly spiders just a few feet under her

To this day she sits and watches from the lonely little room
Wearing fathers darkest hat, and mothers old perfume

Now all year she waits inside herself for one more Hallowe'en
When the ghosts will come a-knocking, just to hear her horrid scream

And she'll gather up their candy when they scare and run away
And then march down to the basement, eat her sweets, and play all day. ]]> ~DarkCrypt http://DarkCrypt.deviantart.com/journal/7786549/ http://DarkCrypt.deviantart.com/journal/7786549/ Fri, 03 Feb 2006 00:57:41 PST
So..What the hell! This is madness.. I don't know exactly how the internet works..like, if there's some place somewhere with a billion gigantic hardrives that all this stuff is on..but..I hope you all realize that it IS going to fill up some day.. It can't possibly go forever, and if it does..what the fuck?!! Doesn't that break..some..physics..rule or something?!! I'm scared for the internet. I like it, but I believe it's getting old every day. Lag could be considered wrinkles forming on it's non-existent face.

Soon, it's wires ( Or..hair..) will fall out. People will stop coming by because of the smell, and it will have cats for company. That will be a sad day indeed. But..I suppose many businesses, as well as providers and 'others', including many deviants, make money off it.. So.. I guess when those bigass hard drives start filling up, some dude in a suit will just buy more. Thanks dude..thanks a lot. I remember a time before the internet, and everything SUCKED and I'm pretty sure it was all in black and white too..no colour..

And while I'm on the subject..or at least in the same city as the ballpark.. Why is there such a big fuss over the government listening in on suspected terrorists phone calls without a warrant?! That shit is fucked up! It's not like they're reading YOUR boring email or tapping YOUR boring-ass phone calls about your boring-ass life.. They're tapping phones of people who they have reason to suspect are up to bad, bad things.. And even if someone in some underground CIA bunker DOES listen to your calls for a month or two, before determining that you're not a threat.. WHO THE FUCK CARES?!! You wouldn't know about it, so you can't possibly feel violated in anyway.. The person doing the listening doesn't know you, and doesn't care about anything except finding bad people.. so again, what the fuck?! Why debate this when it's insanely logical?

'Oh, they're trampling my rights..' You know what? FUCK YOU, you politcally correct dumbass bastard! Beaurocracy has fucked up pretty much every aspect of everything by now, and now you're going to apply it to security, even more?!

Stupid-ass pricks!

I would have no problem whatsoever if the gvernment wanted to take mandatory Dna samples from EVERYONE in the country.. That's not hurting my freedom, it's ensuring a quick response when something goes wrong.. I've never done anything wrong, and I don't anticipate ever doing any thing wrong (Criminally)..so..what the...shit.

I personally HOPE that the entire internet is just the Cia's biggest information gathering tool, because that means they can do their fucking jobs better, and I just happen to get a lot of entertainment out of using this particular device.

And another thing, who the hell cares if the U.S is exporting CRIMINALS to be tortured? The only problem I have with that is that they shouldn't have to pay for a plane ride..They should be able to do it right there, in America..
It's ridiculous to think that the american government is some huge, evil power and they're just going to abduct innocent people and fuck them up just because they can. Stop making it harder for them to protect YOU!

So yeah..Cia, if you're watching/listening/reading/whatever, I applaud your efforts, and I'm sorry there are so many stupid bastards making things harder for you..

And..I'm NOT racist or anything like that..but..allowing illegal immigrants into your country is about the biggest security risk I could imagine..you guys should maybe do something about that..

I just pissed off SO many hippy-activist people, it's hilarious. ]]> ~DarkCrypt http://DarkCrypt.deviantart.com/journal/7757584/ http://DarkCrypt.deviantart.com/journal/7757584/ Tue, 31 Jan 2006 02:31:07 PST
Actually, I guess I should start from the beginning..

I was walking down a pleasant forest path, watching different species of birds swoop down one at a time and pick up small rodents with huge ears. It was fucking fascinating.
For one, I had thought only a select few species of birds ate meat..eagles..falcons..that sort of thing. So I was amazed when I saw sparrows, hummingbirds, and even the occasional dodo fly down from their treetops and snatch up little fuzzy eared mice, before returning to their perces and feasting on the poor critters.

Anyway, I walked merrily along singing Nirvana songs in my head, as I've been known to do from time to time, and occasionally just screaming random lyrics out loud.." You're my favorite, of my saviours..You're my favorite..Oh nooo.."
It was jolly good fun.

After a while, when my vocal chords started to bleed, and I felt the blood collecting in my lungs, I had to stop singing..so I decided to think for a while. I thought about truthiness, and the social ramifications of its sudden popularity. Would there be dancing in the streets, perhaps otherwise normal people working it into their day to day conversations? Or perhaps a parade of truthiness, with floats depicting incidents of it since the beginning of time? The possibilities were endless..

I was slowly approaching a bushy bush, still pondering the greatness of truthiness, when a tiny bird landed on my left shoulder. Amazed, I stood very still, hoping to catch it off guard. He stood there, chirping happily into my ear for a while, before he swung his body around and looked up at the trees from which he came.

Sensing my chance, I whipped my head to the side and with a ferocious bite, caught the little fucker in my mouth before he even had the possibility of maybe considering an escape. I chomped and chewed, and chewed and chomped, until only the bones and eyeballs remained in my mouth. These, I gently spit into my hand and tucked into my pocket for later.

Suddenly, just as I reached the bushiest of bushes in all the forest, a Bear jumped out! A big bear, with..paws...and..claws..and..eyes as black as the black hole in the center of the universe! Yes, so black that no light could possibly escape! It was THAT black.

I suddenly realized that I had been wasting time contemplating truthiness, when I should have been worried about bears. In a few swift swipes, he knocked my head clean off..and even to this day, I remain only a head, typing with a dry, cracked tongue on a waterproof keyboard.

The point of my incredible tale is this:

Stephen Colbert was right. About everything. The bears, truthiness...EVERYTHING. So the next time you're flipping through channels, and you think it's wise to skip the Colbert Report in favor of some poorly written sitcom, just remember.. It's going to cost you, or someone you love, their life, or a lifetime as a disembodied head.
And it's not fucking funny one bit. ]]> ~DarkCrypt http://DarkCrypt.deviantart.com/journal/7584958/ http://DarkCrypt.deviantart.com/journal/7584958/ Thu, 12 Jan 2006 16:17:35 PST
Once they passed, and I regained my composure and changed my pants, I began to wonder..Who were these monkeys? How did they get so big, and where did they find capes that big? Were they of this world, or from far away...and how did they fly? Was it the capes that did it?
Of course, none of these questions could be answered simply by spending time thinking about them..so after an hour of waiting for their return, I gave up and went back into my cellar.
That night I dreamt that they had landed, but somehow reduced in sized just as they did, saving hundreds..possibly thousands of lives. I approached them, with slightly more confidence in their being friendly, and asked where they came from. They seemed to talk amongst themselves for a while, before the smallest one, who had a white goatee and a red cape, stepped forward and expolained to me that they were the manifestation of millions of peoples psychic energy, and that they were here to protect the Earth from unseen supernatural forces.

Still afraid, I clubbed the small monkey on the head with an aluminum bat and dragged him to a bush, where I stole his cape, travelled the universe, and destroyed their home planet.
I awoke covered in sweat, and laughing at the absurdity of both my actions in the dream, as well as the dream itself. The laugh had just died down to a low cackle, when I saw it: Hung neatly on the chair beside my drawing table, a small..red...cape.

I'm...so...sorry....Earth....
Please, forgive me. ]]> ~DarkCrypt http://DarkCrypt.deviantart.com/journal/7445287/ http://DarkCrypt.deviantart.com/journal/7445287/ Thu, 29 Dec 2005 02:43:14 PST
By pushing a button taped to my hand, and speaking into the built in microphone inside my bison suit, I could order the attack..but the alpha bison would have to be very close, tricking the herd into thinking I had bested their leader in combat. He stomped again and then charged, with the fiery rage of a billion demons in his pasty eyes. I outstretched my finger to push the button, but it wasn't there.. The bison suit was hot, and I knew instantly I had sweated the adhesive off the tape, and the button now lay in one of the bison suits legs. I could never reach it..

The alpha bison leaped high into the air and landed on my skull, killing me and sending my internal organs and mashed flesh through the nostril and eye holes of the once mighty bison suit.

What happened after, I have no idea..but..there have been rumours.. Rumours of a violent gang of bison, terrorizing the plains hungry for human flesh..and led by thirty-eight professionally trained snipers with high powered rifles.

Those motherfuckers.. ]]> ~DarkCrypt http://DarkCrypt.deviantart.com/journal/7420086/ http://DarkCrypt.deviantart.com/journal/7420086/ Mon, 26 Dec 2005 05:46:59 PST Now..Imagine you then BECAME a killer tomatoe and had to stalk and consume your friends..
It's all a bad dream, right? NO! It's happening right now! Stay the FUCK away from TOMATOES!
Spooky shit goin on there.. ]]> ~DarkCrypt http://DarkCrypt.deviantart.com/journal/7095630/ http://DarkCrypt.deviantart.com/journal/7095630/ Sun, 20 Nov 2005 10:14:12 PST Kurt ran outside, screaming.. "Gimme grank, man! I need some fucking grank!"
'Grank' was the word he used to describe the people, places, and things he snorted..

Two fat neighbours tried to run, but gravity got the best of them and they both slipped on their own fat, falling face down on the lawn. "GaaahhHHHHH!!!" Kurt screamed, enlargening his nostrils again and sucking up a fatty through each one.. The high was tremendous..He felt like the sun.. Brilliant rays of shimmering goodness beamed in every direction, and for a moment he thought he saw Jim Morrison smoking a large, intricate bong with a giant horned frog..but then the image dissolved and Kurt was left looking at the lawn, where the two fatties had fell..

He got to his feet and started back towards the house, when a wave of nausea hit him and he fell over, clutching his stomach.. He started dry-heaving and wondered if he had drank too much the night before. But that wasn't it, not at all. He watched in horror as his left nostril opened up all by itself, and a large, fluffy white foot came out..followed by a leg, a body, and a large fluffy-eared head. Kurt sat in horror as the bunny spoke.. " You think you can just snort me, like everything else?!" It said, a demonic grin on its face.. "Do you think it's fun being in someones nasal cavity?!"

Kurt was scared now, and he pulled out his pipe and had a quick toke.. {Hoot..Pause...Hoot Hoot..Pause...Hoot...Wait...Exhale...}.. The bunny grabbed him and shook him hard, making his teeth chatter and his eyeballs shake.. "Good god man..Get ahold of yourself! You can snort that slutty, dirty, unquestionably bad-songwriting wife or yours, and you can EVEN snort those fatty neighbours who steal your newspaper and play loud rap music all the time.. But you can NEVER, EVER SNORT ME OUT OF EXISTENCE!" And with that, the bunny began spinning in circles..First slowly, then faster until it was just a white blur, and then it disappeared.

"What the fuck!" Kurt exclaimed, shocked.. Nothing had ever escaped the void inside his nose before..there was something different about this bunny..He didn't hop around and eat grain all day like the bunnies Kurt had known previously..No, this bunny was smart...And..magical.. Kurt thought about eating some fruit loops to calm down, and then remembered they tasted nutty, so had a smores poptart and a beer, watched Donnie Darko, and then fell asleep. ]]> ~DarkCrypt http://DarkCrypt.deviantart.com/journal/6973385/ http://DarkCrypt.deviantart.com/journal/6973385/ Sun, 06 Nov 2005 16:22:11 PST The bunny was there, getting out of a car and walking up to the door.. 'What the..' Kurt said, hooting on his pipe again.. Kurt saw his wife, an ugly drug-addicted bitch, open the door and throw her arms around the bunny. "Motherfucker!" Kurt said, tucking the pipe back in his pocket and finishing the beer in one long gulp.

He flew towards Earth at an amazing speed, but by the time he flew in his bedroom window, his wife and the bunny were in bed, already smoking cigarettes.. "Gah!!" Kurt yelled, jumping at the bunny. "What's goin on.." His wife said through a drug induced slur.. Kurt reached up and stuck two fingers in each of his nostrils, and then stretched them to the size of computer screens..

"Oh good god, no!" The bunny said, trying to get away.. "Not this time, bastard!" Kurt said, leaning over..and with a great huff, he snorted the ENTIRE bunny up his nose.. Suddenly he felt fantastic..He started jumping on the bed and singing.."I'm not like them! But I can pretend! The sun is gone! But I have a light!"

He looked at his dirty slut of a wife, who was trying to figure out where the bunny went.. "Gahhhh!!" Kurt yelled, in the aforementioned Van halen-esque scream, and then snorted her too.

Kurt rocked out and trashed the house for 45 minutes, and then felt slightly psychotic and tired for 24 hours.
The bunny was dead..or at least..circulating his bloodstream..and the ugly stupid wife he never liked met the same fate. But soon...he realized he couldn't sleep...The weed wasn't good enough anymore...and...fruit loops tasted nutty.. Yes, friends, he was addicted. Addicted to snorting people, places and things.
It would only be a matter of time before he needed to snort someone..or..someones pet..

And that's how Kurt became a serial snorter. ]]> ~DarkCrypt http://DarkCrypt.deviantart.com/journal/6949605/ http://DarkCrypt.deviantart.com/journal/6949605/ Thu, 03 Nov 2005 22:57:47 PST
The bunny opened his eyes and frizzled the whiskers on his nose.. "Man... Fuck rockin out today Man... I'm fuckin tired man...I drank all night and those fucking prostitutes.." "Shut up!" Kurt said, smacking the bunny silly.. " I'm the man and you're the bunny, so when I say we rock out, WE ROCK OUT!"

"Oh yeah, motherfucker?!!" The bunny said, jumping forward and pulling a switchblade out of his..ear..
"Aaahh!" Kurt screamed, grabbing a nearby bottle of Jack and swigging hard.. The bunny was coming towards him, the knife raised up to shoulder height.. ""I just wanna ROOCCCKKKK!!!!" Kurt said, with a high pitched, Van Halen-esque scream....

"You shouldn't ta smacked the bunny!" The bunny said, mysteriously refrring to himself in third person.. "So now you die!" And with that, he stabbed Kurt in the little finger, causing a small paper cut to form and blood almost came out.

"What the FUCK, Bunny!" Kurt yelped, smashing the bottle of jack over his own head and stepping forward... "I bought you cigarettes, Man! I washed your dishes and even let you join the band! And what do I get? A bunny who fucking STABS me?!!"

"Wait!" The bunny said, dropping his knife.. "You CAN'T kill me!"

"Oh yeah, fuckface! Why not?!" Kurt said evil-ly

"Because..." The bunny said smiling " I'm in your head!" And with that. he disappeared..and Kurt was left alone clutching the broken bottle.

"Fucker!" Kurt said.. Lighting another cigarette...

"I'll get that long-eared fuck sooner or later.."

And with that, Kurt flew out the window and off into the sky. ]]> ~DarkCrypt http://DarkCrypt.deviantart.com/journal/6931133/ http://DarkCrypt.deviantart.com/journal/6931133/ Tue, 01 Nov 2005 22:51:09 PST Fucking ignorant goddamn sonofabitch!
Some likely redneck fuck who has NEVER touched a guitar, and listens to FUCKING COUNTRY MUSIC is spouting about how Nirvana is lowly music.
....
Must....calm.....
Deep...breath...
Can't....Hulk....out.....
RrraaaaAAARRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

FUCK Country music, FUCK redneck assholes, and FUCK anyone who has EVER said that Kurt Cobain 'couldn't' play guitar... Was he Van halen? No, he actually had sincerity..not just technical know-how... Go listen to Bleach again, Or Incesticide...Or the fucking box set! In between those power chord tunes that you've obviously decided are Nirvanas complete works, are some pretty fucking intense, DIFFICULT TO PLAY, songs that are better than anything you could IMAGINE, given a billion years to do it!

FUCK REDNECKS.

NIRVANA IS GREAT IN EVERY CONCEIVABLE ASPECT!

....
Okay...
I'm calming....
....
I'll just pretend this never happened...
.... ]]> ~DarkCrypt http://DarkCrypt.deviantart.com/journal/6899421/ http://DarkCrypt.deviantart.com/journal/6899421/ Sat, 29 Oct 2005 12:37:53 PDT You might be disappointed, but I wasn't..
It turns out we exist solely so that there is someone around to scratch a dogs back if it gets itchy.
They could rub against trees and things, but that's not as good.
So..When you see your dog, with a wanting look in his eye...scratch his back..and his neck, where it meets the base of his skull...why? Because that's your purpose, motherfucker! And if you don't have a dog, practice on a stuffed one until you do!
Go! Now! ]]> ~DarkCrypt http://DarkCrypt.deviantart.com/journal/6868629/ http://DarkCrypt.deviantart.com/journal/6868629/ Tue, 25 Oct 2005 21:27:21 PDT ...
I'm still waiting on the superpowers.
But it turns out flies are delicious.
... ]]> ~DarkCrypt http://DarkCrypt.deviantart.com/journal/6848372/ http://DarkCrypt.deviantart.com/journal/6848372/ Sun, 23 Oct 2005 18:18:37 PDT Is
Using
Up
All
Of
My
Fucking
Drawing
Time
I'll
Never
Get
Anything
Done
again..
It's
The
Devil
....
Same with...
T.V.
....
It's the DEVIL!
....
DEVIL!!!!
.....
FIRE!
.....
Rock music is the devil too..
But mainly Deviantart.
...
Is the devil..
...
..... I I
o\ /o
/=V===V=\

F I R E ! ]]> ~DarkCrypt http://DarkCrypt.deviantart.com/journal/6772572/ http://DarkCrypt.deviantart.com/journal/6772572/ Sat, 15 Oct 2005 07:01:44 PDT ...
So...
There could be a planet of Sailor Moon-lookin people who fight big japanese robots every day... Or... A planet where huge mice terrorize tiny elephants.... Wow man...Wow...

And...
If alternate DIMENSIONS exist, literally anything could be possible... Every thought we have could an amazing effect on other dimensions, unbeknownst to us.. Maybe every time I draw an evil devil guy, he actually exists in another space and time.... And... that's not even that outlandish, considering the scope of possibilities and our own inability to fully comprehend the situation..

Wow....

....
I would gladly be an aliens bitch just to get to ride on a spaceship...
....
Oh yeah, and this show I just watched was talking about Earths biggest volcanoe being on the same global location as mars's biggest, and Saturns biggest.... What the fuck's up with that?!
....
I almost wish I were smarter, so I could ponder these things more in depth..but...Even Stephen Hawking and Einstein didn't figure it ALL out..so...that's kind of pointless...
.... ]]> ~DarkCrypt http://DarkCrypt.deviantart.com/journal/6736517/ http://DarkCrypt.deviantart.com/journal/6736517/ Tue, 11 Oct 2005 05:39:09 PDT Not just any fish, oh no..
A huge, gloriously intricate fish, with flippers..bulging eyes...and a gaping mouth...
I can taste the water..
...
Gubble....Gubble....
.....
Mmmmm....
Salty....
.....
Gubble..
....
....
Gubble gubble...
......
....
Gubble... ]]> ~DarkCrypt http://DarkCrypt.deviantart.com/journal/6708949/ http://DarkCrypt.deviantart.com/journal/6708949/ Sat, 08 Oct 2005 00:54:46 PDT ...
The Sheep LOVERS club..
....
Needless to say, I imagined some pretty hilarious sketches..but I'm not sure if they'd appreciate them...
...
Frickin Sheep lovers club, man!
...
I'm having trouble processing that....
....
...Bah, indeed.... ]]> ~DarkCrypt http://DarkCrypt.deviantart.com/journal/6683572/ http://DarkCrypt.deviantart.com/journal/6683572/ Wed, 05 Oct 2005 02:50:51 PDT In or around 3 years later, I would lead my army of fish, crustaceans, and fishy crustaceans onto land, where we would spread salmonella like mayonnaise on a fine chicken sandwich!
Oh, they would fight back...not accepting my people as rulers at first... But over the years, people and fish will form friendships.. Seek equality, and eventually mate.
When two thirds of the population are finely finned fellows, we'll make our move!
Viva la Crustacean! ]]> ~DarkCrypt http://DarkCrypt.deviantart.com/journal/6584045/ http://DarkCrypt.deviantart.com/journal/6584045/ Fri, 23 Sep 2005 18:17:55 PDT .....
Okay..Maybe I'm missing something, but.. In my opinion, Taking a photograph of a naked girl DOES NOT make you an artist! Sure, lots of people look at it and tell you you're great...mainly because guys like tits...But...There is no skill whatsoever there, and if ANYONE should be getting some kudos, it's the girl...not the poser with the camera...
Yes, even if it's black and white...
....
If a five year old submitted a polaroid of Angelina Jolie naked, is he a 'great artist' ?
No, he just knows how to push a button..(But you can be assured many people would disagree, likely amidst a steady flow of drool...)

I'm not saying AT ALL that photography isn't an art..but...I don't know..I simply don't see the 'talent' in photographing pretty girls naked...
Maybe that's just me...

....
And another thing...

Why the hell do some people have names like ' x-LESBIAN-x' ???
I think when you need to use your sexuality to gain popularity or 'friends', or even as a basis for your personal identity, it's a sad, sad sight...
But then again, these are just my views..and...I'm not hitler...so....Do what you want....I'm just typin'... ]]> ~DarkCrypt http://DarkCrypt.deviantart.com/journal/6478395/ http://DarkCrypt.deviantart.com/journal/6478395/ Sun, 11 Sep 2005 15:54:09 PDT
Smokin on the night train, chewin on a jelly roll
Smokin on the night train chewin on a jelly roll...
Ya shouldn't rob a bank without a plan..
Ya shouldn't use your tongue to stop a fan...
Smokin on the night train, chewin on a...jelly roll...

...
Kids in the Hall is awesome...
...
I have new art...but no means to get it online at the moment...
So...
Yeah...
...
....
Smokin on the night train, chewin on a jelly roll..

Do not smoke on night trains, NOR chew jelly rolls! ]]> ~DarkCrypt http://DarkCrypt.deviantart.com/journal/5379143/ http://DarkCrypt.deviantart.com/journal/5379143/ Tue, 17 May 2005 01:58:38 PDT ..
Now I just have to practice manifesting matter from nothing, using psychic powers..
...
....
...
It's not easy..
....
...
....
I made a lighter once..it was blue... Just....apeared in my couch...
....
....
Fuck it... Too hard..
I'll just stay here.
For now..
...
..
. ]]> ~DarkCrypt http://DarkCrypt.deviantart.com/journal/5324766/ http://DarkCrypt.deviantart.com/journal/5324766/ Tue, 10 May 2005 21:03:44 PDT That was a good show..
All I remember is little people, and some sort of crazy miniature train track..but..that's all I need to remember to know I need to see some god damn fraggle rock sometime soon... ]]> ~DarkCrypt http://DarkCrypt.deviantart.com/journal/5268762/ http://DarkCrypt.deviantart.com/journal/5268762/ Wed, 04 May 2005 20:14:41 PDT So much art..
I actually feel inspired, and compelled to draw..which is sweet because I've been a lazy bastard about drawing for way too long.. The madness ends here! Err.. Begins here.. I guess that's subjective..
Anyway..
I'm about 2 hours in on a decent Medusa picture..That'll be good..
....
Oh, and I saw an eerily lifelike ufo on tv the other day..Just so you know.. ]]> ~DarkCrypt http://DarkCrypt.deviantart.com/journal/5261084/ http://DarkCrypt.deviantart.com/journal/5261084/ Tue, 03 May 2005 22:58:16 PDT That ticker is almost gonna turn over, to 12 million..
...
Sweeet.. ]]> ~DarkCrypt http://DarkCrypt.deviantart.com/journal/5217557/ http://DarkCrypt.deviantart.com/journal/5217557/ Thu, 28 Apr 2005 23:28:21 PDT Today I found Deviantart.com .
Sweet.
So evil..
So...many...pictures...
....
Seeing that 'deviant art submitted' ticker at like 11 million and climbing is pretty cool...
..
I could start looking at pictures now, and not stop until I die...and still not see them all..
..
Wow man..
Wow...
....
..
.
The Nirvana Boxset is the greatest thing since sliced hamsters. ]]> ~DarkCrypt