http://search.deviantart.com/?q=by:DarkNite109&section=today deviantART RSS for by:DarkNite109 en-us Copyright 2009, deviantART.com Tue, 24 Nov 2009 17:25:16 PST deviantART.com http://blogs.law.harvard.edu/tech/rss http://s.deviantart.com/minish/widgets/apple-touch-icon-precomposed.png http://DarkNite109.deviantart.com/journal/26556625/ http://DarkNite109.deviantart.com/journal/26556625/ Wed, 12 Aug 2009 20:19:23 PDT
I have something beautiful.

If you are like me, and would prefer to drive railroad spikes through your head than read the Twilight series by Stephanie Meyer, than you should check this out.

[link]

Just read some of the comments Twilight fans have left. I don't think I have ever encountered a more idiotic fandom.

]]> ~DarkNite109 http://DarkNite109.deviantart.com/journal/24865120/ http://DarkNite109.deviantart.com/journal/24865120/ Wed, 20 May 2009 21:34:47 PDT
Don't get me wrong, I am all for porn. It's cool, but in it's own place. Like a porn site. There was a time on DeviantArt where you'd get banned for showing like a half a nipple, and now you go onto the Collections page and are promptly smacked in the face by some woman spreading her legs and revealing her vag to the world. Which is cool. Whatever.

I just think it's a little abnoxious of DA to allow random cunt shots all over the place and then delete one of my friend's (artistic) photos of himself in a rather erotic pose. With a sheet covering the so-called naughty bits. I guess it depends on whether the mod you get for the day is chauvinist, homobobic bastard.

Just sayin'.

]]> ~DarkNite109 http://DarkNite109.deviantart.com/journal/23650080/ http://DarkNite109.deviantart.com/journal/23650080/ Wed, 11 Mar 2009 19:29:39 PDT But what I'm wondering is what kind of society I'm living in that when I don't get an A on a test, I feel like jumping into traffic. What sort of things are people teaching their children?
I need to get an A in this class, because I already failed out of my precalculus. I had to drop it. I need to get A's in my other three classes, because I don't want to be a fuck up anymore. This is my second attempt at college. I'm waking up early, driving an hour and a fucking half to campus, studying my ass off, and working on afternoons and weekends. I need to do well in school. Prove that I'm good at something.

]]> ~DarkNite109 http://DarkNite109.deviantart.com/journal/23508706/ http://DarkNite109.deviantart.com/journal/23508706/ Tue, 03 Mar 2009 14:30:04 PST
]]> ~DarkNite109 http://DarkNite109.deviantart.com/journal/23508705/ http://DarkNite109.deviantart.com/journal/23508705/ Tue, 03 Mar 2009 14:30:04 PST
]]> ~DarkNite109 http://DarkNite109.deviantart.com/journal/21897395/ http://DarkNite109.deviantart.com/journal/21897395/ Tue, 09 Dec 2008 12:06:37 PST I just cannot believe I'm doing this to myself again. I mean, I have to go to college, I have the money, so I should go, especially with the current economy being what it is. It's just, I fucking hate school. Fucking hate it. I don't like learning about shit I'm not interested in, I have no desire to join the drunken hordes of college culture, and I hate being tied down to any one place. I always get like that. I feel trapped by my job and school. I like the feeling that I can just say, "Fuck this, I'm going to Wales." But I can't.
Right now I'm taking the math placement exam, and I don't know ANYTHING. They are going to think I am a fucking moron. Math makes me feel so stupid--this test drove me to tears for the first time in months. I hate feeling dumb.
The thing is, I am only going back to school because I have no idea what else to do. That is the lamest reason, but it's the only one I can come up with.
I dropped out of school last year because I wasn't enjoying myself. I was bored, I was lonely, and I was sick of the people. I was getting straight A's, but I still hated it.
My true problem with the whole college thing is that it traps you. It locks you into place for four years--you're forced to stay in the same place physically and emotionally, and I hate that.
Fuck, I can't believe this.
Okay, that's all. Carry on.

]]> ~DarkNite109 http://DarkNite109.deviantart.com/journal/19357766/ http://DarkNite109.deviantart.com/journal/19357766/ Sat, 12 Jul 2008 16:09:24 PDT
My story, The Poisoner's Ring, has been nominated for Most Memorable and Best M-Rated, so it would be great if everyone who likes the story would go here and vote!

By the way, you can find the story here

]]> ~DarkNite109 http://DarkNite109.deviantart.com/journal/19317876/ http://DarkNite109.deviantart.com/journal/19317876/ Thu, 10 Jul 2008 19:54:23 PDT
A woman came to the register and order a grande skim latte with light foam (for those of you not versed in starbucks speak that is a medium sized, non-fat latte with just a little foam on top). I started to make it, and by accident poured 2% milk into the steamer instead of skim. The lady gives me a very dirty look and says, "I asked for skim."
I look at the label, say, "Oh, thanks for catching that, sorry, I'll fix it," pour out the milk, and start over. Alright, so I finish the drink--pull two espresso shots, steam the milk, pour it over top the coffee, and, as per her instructions, put a little bit of foam on the top. She takes the drink without a thank you, and leaves.
Okay, so, about five minutes later she comes back, with her cup open. She shoves it in my face and says, "Excuse me, I asked for a little foam, but you didn't give me any foam at all. And you didn't fill it up all the way." The bitch had drank about the quarter of the coffee, and come back to ask for me to refill it! There was even residue around the side that showed where there had been hot milk.
I said, "Excuse me, ma'am, but I think you're mistaken, I definitely filled that drink up."
She said, "No, you didn't! I just opened it and it was like this!"
I give her a sort of blank look.
My coworker Josh then comes over and asks what the problem is, and when the lady tells him, he insists that he saw me fill the drink, which he did, since we'd been having a conversation at the time. Anyway, I offer to give the lady more foam, and I grab a caraffe that I'd steamed right before she came. I look back up, and she's gone, without her drink.

Okay, it could have just ended there, and I would have been okay with it. Whatever. But no, about an hour later, she comes back, and demands to talk to the shift manager. I didn't hear the conversation, but according to Megan, the shift, she went on about how 'this stupid girl' had called her a liar, and that I was a liar myself, and that it's just foam, and I shouldn't have refused her, and that I was rude, and that since she had an MBA, she was obviously right.
So apparently, she can call me a stupid liar becuase she has a business degree. What the fuck?
The thing that really gets to me is that if she had only come back and said that her drink didn't taste right, I would have made it again for her. She could have even asked for a little more foam, and I would have given it to her. Why would I lie about foam? It doesn't even cost extra.
Apparenlty, because I am serving her, I become something less than a human being, someone she can lie to and treat like an idiot.

This may sound stupid, but it really got to me. Just because I work at a coffee shop, actually work on my feet for a living, doesn't mean I am a second-class citizen. I'm still young, and I could get a fucking MBA if I wanted one, for chrissake.

Well, lady, you can take your foam and shove it up your ass.

]]> ~DarkNite109 http://DarkNite109.deviantart.com/journal/18997436/ http://DarkNite109.deviantart.com/journal/18997436/ Mon, 23 Jun 2008 08:35:36 PDT
Tagged by [link]

If you comment, I will...


a) Tell you why I friended you,
b) Associate you with something - fandom, a song, a colour, a photo, etc.,
c) Tell you something I like about you,
d) Tell you a memory I have of you,
e) Ask something I've always wanted to know about you,
f) Tell you my favorite user pic of yours,
g) In return, you must post this in your journal.


GO GO GO!!!

]]> ~DarkNite109 http://DarkNite109.deviantart.com/journal/18687298/ http://DarkNite109.deviantart.com/journal/18687298/ Thu, 05 Jun 2008 20:41:23 PDT Cale

2) How old is he/she?
16

3) Is your Original Character a boy or girl?
Boy

4) What's his/her race?
Well, he’s Almerian—which basically translates to white. Really white.

Appearance

1) If this character were to suddenly become part of the real world, and ended up in a heavily-populated area, how many stares would he/she get?
Quite a few, since he’s most likely to be dressed in apprentice garb—e.i. tunic/linen shirt, or any other odd getup his master decides to put him in If he were to put on modern clothes, he probably could blend right in.

2) Is your character considered normal in his/her own world?
Yes and no—he comes from a peasant family, and he’s a carpenter, but he becomes the apprentice/kept boy of an alchemist. That’s not normal, even for Almeria.

3) What would be his/her most recognizable feature(s)?
His hair is very blond—like golden blond. And he’s really small.

4) Would you consider your Original Character as attractive?
Yeah, in a smaller, look at the puppy kind of way. Just perfect for pedophiles!

Personality

1) Temper?
He’s willing to go with the flow, but he gets annoyed really easily, especially with a certain alchemist and certain pirate queen.

2) Does your character ever get depressed?
Not depressed so much as really moody.

3) Leader or Follower?
Follower, until he has no other choice.

4) What is the main aspect(s) of his/her personality?
Feisty, and really doesn’t know when to shut up.

History

1) Did your Original Character have a family of any sort? If so, are they still alive?
He lived with his mom and dad in Rinian, a northern craftsman village. They both died of the fever approximately ten months before the story begins.

2) Is your character out on his/her own? If so, why?
Yes, in that he’s been tossed into a political mess, and in way over his head, and is discovering his bizarre magic for the first time. No, in that he has Azri, his ‘master’ (as in apprentice and master, not sex-slave and master, you perverts) to tell him what to do.

3) Has he/she encountered any traumatizing events?
His parents died, he’s been poisoned by a substance that makes you go crazy and try to kill people, he killed people by accident, he’s nearly been raped by faeries, and a creepy man wants to buy him. So, yes?

4) What was probably the best time in his/her life so far?
When his dad was alive—he was very close to him.

1) Single?
Hmm…technically, but Azri has a tendency to throw a fit if he shows interest in anything else.

2) Has your OC developed any romantic relationships?
He has a very confusing crush on Azri, his master, and he’s being followed around by a prostitute who’s really into him. Poor Cale.

3) Virgin?
Yep.

4) Does your character like flirting?
Not really, it makes him uncomfortable.

Symbolism

1) What type of animal would your character be?
Probably a house cat.

2) Musical Instrument?
Flute

3) Element?
Water

4) Planet?
Uranus!!!!! *gigglesnort* Just kidding. I don’t know. Pluto, because he’s little and Pluto is so still a planet to me.

Showing the Love

1) Do you draw your character?
I can’t draw!!!!!!!

2) Do you write about him/her?
Well, yes, as he’s the protagonist of one of my novels

3) Do you use him/her in any rpgs?
No

4) What other ways have you appreciated your OC?
I talk about him a lot—imp him on fiction press.

RANDOMIZE! wut

1) Is your character wanted for anything?
He attacked a bunch of people in his hometown so, yes.

2) What are three weaknesses in him/her?
He’s a thinker, not a doer. He has a tendency to talk big but not be able to live up to it.

3) Strengths?
Very strong emotionally, doesn’t take shit

4) Does your OC drink or smoke (ect.)?
Maybe a little bit of wine when the opportunity presents itself.

5) What's one quirk about your him/her?
He really likes chocolate. And he thinks Yukatas are funny.

6) Does your character have any phobias?
He hates heights.

7) What could you do to get him/her into a blind rage?
Well, if he doesn’t take his antitoxin…the blind rage comes out.

8) Does your OC l... ]]> ~DarkNite109 http://DarkNite109.deviantart.com/journal/18417976/ http://DarkNite109.deviantart.com/journal/18417976/ Tue, 20 May 2008 15:53:25 PDT Let's get one thing straight (no pun intended). I am not gay, neither am I a boy, but a large percentage of my friends are young gay males. So I identify with the gay community, though I will never be able to be a part of it.

Anyway, as I was saying. I've recently gotten into a TV show called Queer As Folk, which I'm sure many of you have seen or at least heard of. It follows the lives of a group of gay men. Anyway, I liked the first season, and I wanted to see if I could get ahold of the second. I, like so many others, cannot afford boxed sets of DVDs, so I went to Blockbuster to see if I could rent it.

Well, it wasn't on the shelf, so I thought, maybe they have it in the back 'cause it's more than four years old. So I go up to the counter, where there's a white mother, her two children, two hispanic guys, and a group of teenagers. ask the guy who works there if they have the show Queer as Folk, and I hear giggling from somewhere behind me. Then one of the teenage guys speak up:
"Did you try the faggot section?"
I turn around and give him a 'fuck you' sort of look. His friends laugh at me. I turn back to guy. He looks quite uncomfortable, like somone gonna call him a fag for discussing a gay TV show with me.

"Uh, we don't carry that show, since it's so explict."

So now I've got the teenagers laughing at me, and the mother looking scandalized, like I'd asked for a porno or something. I happen to know that Blockbuster carries movies that are much more explicit than Queer as Folk, but of course, straight people are allowed to fuck in movies without any problems.

So here I am, a straight girl, getting made fun of by complete strangers for wanting to watch a gay TV show.

I know the prejudice wasn't exactly directed at me, but I felt like a freak. I expirienced what I'm sure many of my gay friends expirience every day. The world is so fucked up. I know it wasn't really that big a deal, but it pissed me off.

]]> ~DarkNite109 http://DarkNite109.deviantart.com/journal/18388892/ http://DarkNite109.deviantart.com/journal/18388892/ Sun, 18 May 2008 19:13:30 PDT I felt stuck in high school, then I felt stuck in college, and now I feel stuck at home, here, with my goddamn job. I get these horrible bouts of deppression, where I just can't stand to be where I am, and I need to escape. Just need to leave.
But now I'm home, living with my dad. I have a job, and I have currently no money to speak of. So there's nowhere for me to go. Nowhere to escape to.

Tell me, does anyone else feel like this?

]]> ~DarkNite109 http://DarkNite109.deviantart.com/journal/18311995/ http://DarkNite109.deviantart.com/journal/18311995/ Tue, 13 May 2008 20:09:21 PDT I am not currently wearing any.

2. Honestly, whats on your mind right now?
My finger that I slammed in the dryer door a few minutes ago.

3. Honestly, what are you doing right now?
Alternating between writing my book and my fanfic.

4. Honestly, what did you do today?
Umm...wrote...walked to the store. Ate crackers. It wasn't the most intersting day.
5. Honestly, do you think you are attractive?
No, I don't.
6. Honestly, have you done something bad today?
It depends who you ask. I didn't kill anyone or commit any felonies, but I did work on a story that features a relationship between two men. To some people, that would be bad.
7. Honestly, do you watch Disney channel?
Not in about five years.
8. Honestly, are you jealous of someone right now?
Yeah, I'm jealous of my cousins 'cause they're down in North Carolina where I desperately want to be right now. And they have each other. I'm lonely.
9. Honestly, what makes you happy most of the time?
Writing, coffee, my friends
10. Honestly, do you bite your nails?
Lately, yes, a hell of a lot. I guess I'm nervous.
11. Honestly, what is your mood right now?
I'm kinda bored and pissed off 'cause my finger hurts.
12. Honestly, have you had an eating disorder?
Um, I used to eat too much.
13. Honestly, do you want to see someone this very minute?
Anyone friendly would you be awesome.
14. Honestly, do you have a deep dark secret?
I don't think so. I do have some things I wouldn't really want anyone to know, but they're more embaressing than deep and dark.
16. Honestly, do you hate someone right now?
No. I tend to hate situations, not people.
17. Honestly, who/what do you want to hug right now?
My cousins, maybe.
18. Honestly, are you loyal?
yes.
19. Honestly, are you in denial?
How would I know, I'm in denial about it.
20. Honestly, wouldn't you rather be having sex right now?
Mmm...not exactly sure. In theory, yes, but if the oppurtunity were to suddenly prevent itself, no.
21. Honestly, who is your best friend?
IN NO PARTICULER ORDER: Sara, Valerie, Damon, Aaron, Sonja, Beverley. There's lots of 'em.
22. Honestly, have you ever consumed alcohol?
Yeah, but I don't get drunk. I'm not good at it.
23. Honestly, do you like someone?
Not really
24. Honestly, does anyone like you?
How the hell should I know...maybe the dude that hit on me in the mall...lol
25. Honestly, is it going anywhere with them?
...no. There isn't anyone.
26. Honestly, did you answer all these questions honestly?
As far as I know.

]]> ~DarkNite109 http://DarkNite109.deviantart.com/journal/17522407/ http://DarkNite109.deviantart.com/journal/17522407/ Wed, 26 Mar 2008 09:10:40 PDT and I highly reccomend it.
It's called The Houses of Time, about a man who can control his dreams, and learns to dreamwalk, and goes crazy and fun stuff like that.
Everyone should go out and buy it, and tell all their friends!
Thank you, that is all.

]]> ~DarkNite109 http://DarkNite109.deviantart.com/journal/17105863/ http://DarkNite109.deviantart.com/journal/17105863/ Thu, 28 Feb 2008 16:32:05 PST

1. Post these rules
2. Each person tagged must post 8 random facts about themselves
3. Tags should write a journal/ blog of these facts
4. At the end of the post 8 more persons are tagged and named
5. Go to their page and leave a comment telling them they're tagged


1. I have so many books they've overflowed from my bookshelf, and I'd had to line them up along the wall.
2. My favorite TV show in the history of the world is the X-Files, and I would bang both Scully and Mulder.
3. My favorite genre of fiction is Urban Fantasy
4. I am currently working on two novels.
5. I'm a black belt in Tae Kwon Do.
6. I have a thing for older, professional men with glasses.
7. I have mild psynesthesia. Days of the week, months of the year, and numbers all have their own color in my mind.
8. At one point in my life, I had fifteen cats. Most of them lived outside, luckily.

]]> ~DarkNite109 http://DarkNite109.deviantart.com/journal/17007244/ http://DarkNite109.deviantart.com/journal/17007244/ Fri, 22 Feb 2008 10:38:46 PST I dropped out of college two days ago. I'm home, and nothing anyone can say is going to make me regret it or drive me mad with guilt. I've dealt with enough self-hatred in the last few months to let anything you say get to me.
Here it is: The Explanation--
I have not been happy at school for about two months now. I was suffocated, clausterphobic, and bothered by the fact that I i felt like I was wasting my time. I want to be an author. I don't need to be taught how to write, and I don't want to be told what to write.
Also, UNCA was just too far away from home. Eight hours is a long drive, friends. Call me a pussy, call me a loser, but I get homesick. I miss my room and I miss my dad, and that is not a crime.
I have been having trouble with mental health as well. I get into boughts of manic despression, in which I feel like jumping off bridges, or murdering people and then killing myself. Last Tuesday, when I really was wanting to leave and come home, a very crazy thought went through my head. It went like this:
"If I broke my right hand, then I could go home, because I wouldn't be any use to anyone anymore."
Now that, my friends, is crazy. I don't want to think that I need to hurt myself in order to do something I fervently want to. I didn't break my hands, but I went fucking nuts on my arms with a goddamn paper clip, and still bear the scars. One of them is deep and I don't think its going away. They burn in the shower. Being an Emo sucks.
I went to a therapist, and he told me that the big issue was not whether or not I stayed in college, it was that I made the decision myself. All my life I have done things to make other people proud of me. I went to school for my dad, got good grades for my dad, and went to college for my dad. I want to do somethign for me, instead of for the people around who think they know what's best for me.
Please don't give me the whole "in this world you need to go to college!" speech. Believe me, I've heard it. Just with this state of mental health, I don't think i should be going somewhere that is going to amp up my stress levels.
And by no means does this mean I'm not goin back to school. I probably will, sometime next year--somewhere closer to home.
Call me a loser, call me an idiot, call me whatever you like. Go ahead, chew me out, I garauntee I've heard it before.
So, I am going to live at home, work, hang out, and finish my book.
And I'll do it without guilt, without remorse, and without justification.
Peace.

]]> ~DarkNite109 http://DarkNite109.deviantart.com/journal/16834211/ http://DarkNite109.deviantart.com/journal/16834211/ Mon, 11 Feb 2008 14:36:59 PST Will someone please tell me how you can be an artist, any kind of artist, and not support homosexuality?
Well, I understand. I do. Kind of. I mean, maybe it's against your religion, or something. That, I can understand. But answer me this. If you draw anime with lots of violence/blood/death/vampires, can you still hide behind religion?
I know everyone is entitled to their own opinion. I respect that completely.
But it still pisses me off. Especially when people badmouth other people's art because it's girls kissing or something like that.
whatever.

]]> ~DarkNite109 http://DarkNite109.deviantart.com/journal/16641502/ http://DarkNite109.deviantart.com/journal/16641502/ Wed, 30 Jan 2008 10:07:19 PST Also, since I've got back to school I've noticed I've been a lot more introverted than I was last semester. I mean, I still hang out a lot, but I don't find myself having to be around people all the time in order to be entertained. That's good.
I guess it's because when I was on holiday and back home I got used to waking up and then having a big house (well, bigger than a dorm anyway) all to myself. My dad sleeps pretty late (science fiction writers will do that. Sometimes you have to beat them with a shoe to get them to haul their lazy asses up.
I got really tight with this British girl named Lorna over break--she's living with my friend Bev and she is awesome. I really miss home, the fact that I have privacy and can come and go as I please and don't have a roomate telling me to wash my dishes. If i want to grow fungi, I'll do it, dammit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

]]> ~DarkNite109 http://DarkNite109.deviantart.com/journal/15795244/ http://DarkNite109.deviantart.com/journal/15795244/ Tue, 04 Dec 2007 15:17:07 PST The idea is a great one, ametuer and proffesional artists coming together to critique one another's work. It's a great place to get discovered and to improve your skills. There are some really great people on her, but what I find more than half the time is a bunch of immature flamers, all intent upon making people feel awful about their work.

By now, I'm sure everyone has heard about the little glitch in the DevArt system that resulted in a deviation with very few page views and faves getting on the popular section on the homepage. It was a very cute, well-done portrait, but not exactly up to the standard that people are used to seeing. I went to look at the peice, and was completely disgusted. Not by the art, the art was adorable, but by the comments people were leaving. Some people were being supportive to the artist, and telling her how she can improve her work, but some were just ripping her apart. "this sucks, why is it on the front page?" "I am so much better than this and I never get any favorites!"

This poor girl just posted a portrait, and because of a glitch in the system, she turns on her computer to all this hostility. Personally, I think it's great she got on the front page. Now people will actually be able to watch her and see her improve as an artist.
But I absolutely hated the fact that people were using her comment page to have arguments, and pimp their own work, believe it or not. There was this one deviant who was absolutely driving me up the wall. she was openly hostile to the artist, and when people called her out, she said things like, "Suck monkey balls. lol."

It just pisses me off that we can't act slightly professional here. If you want to point out a flaw in someone's work do it, but don't say meant to bring the artist down. We all want the same thing here--to be recognized for our hard work. Let's try not to act like jackasses, shall we?

]]> ~DarkNite109 http://DarkNite109.deviantart.com/journal/15154098/ http://DarkNite109.deviantart.com/journal/15154098/ Sun, 21 Oct 2007 07:45:51 PDT That news seriously made my night! I walk into my friend's dorm room and she's like, "Aysha, guess what? Rowling says that Dumbledore is gay!"
Yet another reason for me to love him to death. It makes sense, really, seeing as he was such a kind, sensative character, and it explains why he and Grindewald lived together for a few years.
If you don't believe me, just run a search on google!
I read a couple forum posts of people bitching about it. They were all like, Rowling only said this to gain more popularity. She wants to sell more stuff. Uh...hello, it's harry potter. It's gonna sell whether or not she talks it up.
Then there was someone who was like, "of course Dumbledore isn't gay, becuase these characters don't exist outside of the pages of the book. Rowling just has the problem of not differentiating fiction from reality." Whatever idiot came up with that has never written anyting before. I'm an author, and I will say right now, characters become more real to a writer than most of the 'real' world. And, to quote dumbledore:
"Of course it is happening inside your head, Harry, but why on earth should that mean that it is not real?"

]]> ~DarkNite109 http://DarkNite109.deviantart.com/journal/15140961/ http://DarkNite109.deviantart.com/journal/15140961/ Sat, 20 Oct 2007 09:19:36 PDT
]]> ~DarkNite109 http://DarkNite109.deviantart.com/journal/15047573/ http://DarkNite109.deviantart.com/journal/15047573/ Sat, 13 Oct 2007 17:46:50 PDT
Am I facing a breakthrough, or a brick wall? I hate feeling like something should be happening, when it's not. I can't work, I can't write when I'm like this, can't do anything but sit in a corner and feel sorry for myself. Let myself be limited by all my fears and assumptions. My unwillingness to just let myself be.
This should be easy. This should be the best part of my life. I'm young, I'm smart, and I have so much potiential. I'm in a new place where there are so many oppurtunities to try new things. I have enough money to virtually buy anything or go anywhere I want. But I don't know what I want. It's like the things I want can't be expressed, and this world just isn't equipped to fullfill them. Everything is just...black.
I'm trapped.
Somewhere alon the line I opened a door inside myself and I won't ever be able to close it. I want something, something to keep myself breathing. Something to live for. Because I see no future, no reasno for doing anything.
What am I supposed to do? I feel no call to religion or any kind of higher power. I hate feeling like someone else is controlling me, but now that I'm in control of my own life I'm just going in circles. I'm an adult and I'm not controlled by anyone anymore. I should be better. I shouldn't spiral into these moods when I feel like tearing something apart.
I have never felt so trappped. Why? Concievably I can do anything I want.
But no. Here, at college, I am sorrounded by expectations, people who hardly know me, and the constant nagging feeling that I am wasting my time. There isnn't anything I want to do with my life but write. This is the beginning of my life, and I cannot abide the thought of having a normal, run-of-the-mill existence. I don't want to not be able to sleep because I am worrying about the six essays I have due next week. I hate not being able to write them because I'm in such a bad mood words just don't come. I hate trying to decipher philisophical texts that I can barely read for two minutes before my attention starts to drift. I don't want to have to take six classes next semester to earn thirty credits so I can become a sophmore.
But I can't quit school, because what else would I do? I hate travelling, but I hate just staying at home. I hate everything, basically. I hate not moving forward. And I hate the idea of being a loser. Someone not worth anything.
And I hate hating myself. I hate being able to ruin my day and my mood with just a single glance in the mirror. I hate feeling ugly all the motherfucking time. I hate people teasig me for being a virgin--I hate feeling like a child. I hate having to justify my fear of intamacy to people. I am disgusted by the thought of someone touching me, because I think I'm disgusting. All of this is bundled up with a hate of sexual stereotype, y fear of looking stupid, and my hate of being used.
What is wrong with me? Why do I get like this? What the hell am I going to do?
Sorry about this, guys. I just don't know where to go from here.
Help me, somebody, because I sure as hell don't know how to help myself. And just for everyone's information, I am not suicidal, just upset. So calm down.

]]> ~DarkNite109 http://DarkNite109.deviantart.com/journal/14824253/ http://DarkNite109.deviantart.com/journal/14824253/ Fri, 28 Sep 2007 08:11:26 PDT And thanks to anyone who commented, favorited, or downloaded any of my stuff!!!!
I'm so excited!!!!!

]]> ~DarkNite109 http://DarkNite109.deviantart.com/journal/14797747/ http://DarkNite109.deviantart.com/journal/14797747/ Wed, 26 Sep 2007 09:19:03 PDT What a fucking joke.
Yourself is the hardest person to stay true, with the least payoff at the end.
I have spent my whole life living up to everyone's expectations, drowing myself in all their fales perceptions of me, and taking comfort in the fact that sometimes I manage to be good enough for someone. I have no idea what I want, so I just default to what I think I should want. It's just easier.
On the outside, I am everyone's buddy. I'm confident in speech and movement, I'm friendly and outgoing, and I don't care if people let me down. So what? I let myself down all the time. Every problem I have is buried beneath layers and layers of cynisism and denail and hatred.
And I know all this. I'm probably one of the most self-aware people you will ever meet. I know exactly what my problem is, and I know that I turn into a different person when I get into these crazy moods. I have all these thoughts and desires that seem really reasonable, even though the stable part of me knows they're ridiculous. And I hate myself even more for that, for the sabatoge my mind plays on itself.
But wht if these thoughts aren't completely ridiculous?
Is it so ridiculous to not like to be fucked around? To need some sort of justice? TO not want to take responsibility for things that will torture some deep, buried part of you? Is it so bad to refuse to sit down, shut up, and take it? To want to feel whole?
And once again, I wonder who is really asking these questions. Is it me, Aysha, or is it Aysha's overwhelming need to dramatize everything to make herself feel like she's worth some sort of concern?
I don't know if I have a personality. I can't tell the difference bwtween who i am and who I want myself to be.
Here are some things I know I am sure of:
--I hate feeling stagnant, that I am not moving toward something
--I hate knowing I have no control
--I'm so afraid of fucking everything up so badly I won't be able to go back
--I don't want to dissapoint my dad
--I want to be different from everyone else. If I can't be as good as them, then maybe I can be different. I can be "weird".
--I want something to live for. A garuntee that all this mental torture is leading somewhere.
If I was in a book, something would happen at this point. I would find out I'm special, adn that I've been chosen to save the world. But all I have is this, real life. A whole lot of conflicting emotions and needs, and no way to win.
If this is all life is--just taking it, being fucked by myself and everyone else's standards, then what the fuck is anythign here for?
I know that in a few hours, I'll feel better. The clouds will clear, adn I'll feel like an idiot for writing this. I'll slip right back under the cynisism and the hate. I'll pretend all this rage and confusion isn't there. I'll keep doing the sensible things, going to college, listening to what everyone tells me I have to do and what I can't have. Until the next time something stupid sets me off and I'm ripped open and bleeding onto the page again.
I know I should just keep going, keep at it. At least, the denial-y part of me does. There is some deep part of me that just wants to say, 'fuck this, I'm just going to jump in my car and drive so fucking far away that none of it can catch me." But I don't. I can't risk it, becuase I am so afraid of regret. Regret that hasn't even happened yet.

I know all of this. I know exactly what's wrong with me. I hate feeling controlled, I hate doing what people expect, but at the same time I'm to afraid of doing anything else. I've always been such a 'sensible young girl'. Not because I want to be, but becusae i'm too terrified of ruinging my life by doing something stupid. What life? I am sick and tired of achieving things that are supposed to make me happy, but don't. Hard work and dedication don't get you what you want. So what does?
Why can't I just sit down and take it and be happy with it.
I am so afraid of failing everyone. It's easier to fail myself, because no one else will know. But everytime I sit there and watch something I want slip by, I feel another part of my die. I make up for it by being as cynical and spiteful as I can. I have no control, I have no way of saving myself.
What am I even trying to prove, and to who?
And how does anyone exist in the modern world without going completely god fucking insane?

]]> ~DarkNite109 http://DarkNite109.deviantart.com/journal/14526203/ http://DarkNite109.deviantart.com/journal/14526203/ Fri, 07 Sep 2007 05:16:45 PDT I broke down again last night--I think I scared my roommate and her girlfriend, but they're both really sweet, so I'm sure it's okay.
Thanks for all the support, guys, I mean it. '
I'm about to do another photoshoot of all the gorgeous people I've met here!

]]> ~DarkNite109 http://DarkNite109.deviantart.com/journal/14432532/ http://DarkNite109.deviantart.com/journal/14432532/ Fri, 31 Aug 2007 21:20:56 PDT I'm scared of being human. Scared of being just...another person.
Let me tell you how this began.
I started college to weeks ago, and let me tell you, it wasn't really what I was expecting. I'd been told college was stressful, that it would make me homesick, that the food would suck. I'd never been told that it would bore me out of my fucking mind.
There is absolutely nothing to do here. I mean, there's this whole bohemian downtown place, but I don't have a car to get there, and I don't really know my way around. On the weekends everyone either goes home or goes to some crazy party. I can't go home, I live too far away, and I don't like parties.
But I am so bored.
College has been weird. I've started drawing away from acting, something I've always loved so much. It's strange, to realize your passion is no longer your passion. It's hard to let go of.
But back to the human thing.
I was talking to my dad on the phone, about how obnoxiously bored I was. I started going on about how this feels just like high school, how I've just become the person everyone goes to to share their problems with, because Aysha never has normal problems. I have these odd philisophical problems, and I don't talk about those things.
I mentioned to my dad how my friend Sawyer keeps coming to me and talking about his girl problems. I'm like, great, hearing some guy I had a very brief crush on complain about all these girls that are way prettier than me.
My dad asked, "Does that bother you?"
I started to automatically assure him no, of course not. I'm never bothered that everyone else has a love life and I don't. That everyone has had sex and I haven't. But the truth is, that's not true. I don't want to have the problems normal humans have, so I constantly deny being bothered by 'average' things. Instead I claim that I'm a writer and I just live through my stories. That's pretty much true. I think, why bother trying things in real life where you could be dissapointed, if you can just make them up the exact way you want to?
But that really isn't fullfilling enough. I want to have expiriences. And me and my dad got to talking about this issue of mine about my body and how I will never admit i have a crush on anyone, cause I want people to think I'm above that. Cause really, that is one of my deep seeded problems. I don't believe I could ever be attractive enough to have sex with. There, I said it.
And tied up with all of this is my desire to be a 'good' teenager, to prove to everyone that I'm special. Different. That all these weird thoughts I have about the world and the inquiries I make about life make up for all the things most humans need, like love and affection. I've buried myself beneath layers and layers of cynicism since I was in middle school.
"I don't believe in love or attraction. It's stupid, sentimental, and only meant for the movies. I've scoffed at all my friends for whining over relationships. I don't need them.
But the reason I say this is because I really am afraid that if I ever let myself want it, I won't get it. I'll fail. Life will let me down, like it is already. I'll become a stereotype. I'll become *shudders* normal. One of them.
Here are some things I am finally admitting to myself.
-I wish I was gay.
-I wish I wasn't attracted to boys so much, and that I didn't think about sex all the fucking time.
-I wish I was a guy.
But I need to deal with all these latent self-esteem, inferiority/superiority complex. I'm not better, not stronger, not super human. I'm subject to the same stupid things as everyone else. I need to cut myself a break.
Heh, maybe I should see a therapist.
--On another note, I fucking hate college. I mean, is this all there is? What a bloody dissapointment. I feel like I'm going to become a brick in the wall, and drown in this stupid mainstream.

]]> ~DarkNite109 http://DarkNite109.deviantart.com/journal/13865685/ http://DarkNite109.deviantart.com/journal/13865685/ Tue, 24 Jul 2007 20:25:20 PDT Does anyone have a suggestion???

]]> ~DarkNite109 http://DarkNite109.deviantart.com/journal/13793813/ http://DarkNite109.deviantart.com/journal/13793813/ Thu, 19 Jul 2007 10:45:35 PDT Apparently, in this dream, there was some skanky girl walking through Mathew's (my mom's bf) back yard. I walked up to the girl, stuck my hand down her pants, and pulled out a giant fish.
Then I yelled, "What the fuck, it's a fish!!!!!!!"
Best. Dream. Ever.
Heh, I'll have to tell Chima to draw a comic of it. That'd be funny. Or maybe I'll draw comic myself.
I'm gonna be at Otakon tomorrow, at a table in the artist alley. I'm gonna be the only one with a pink cake, so you can't miss me.
By the way...zest. What a great mood!!!!

]]> ~DarkNite109 http://DarkNite109.deviantart.com/journal/13774228/ http://DarkNite109.deviantart.com/journal/13774228/ Tue, 17 Jul 2007 19:27:43 PDT
I just graduated from High School a month ago, and now it feels like I'm about to go back to prison. Say whatever you like about college; no matter how you slice it, it's still a bunch of people telling you how to think. Still a bunch of tests and grades and other things for people to keep judging you unfairly with.
I don't even know what good it will do; I don't want to do anything but write, and I don't want someone telling me how to do that. And you need a bunch of prerequisits to take photography, which I don't have.
And the worst part is, I didn't want to go to this goddamn school so much anyway. I wanted to go to Hampshire, which seemed like a place I could really fit in, but I can't fucking afford it. So go figure.
I just can' shake the feeling that I'm going to suck at college. I've never lived away from home before, and it suddenly seems like it's not worth it to leave, 'cause there's so many things to do here in DC. I mean, one of my really good friends is moving here just as I'm leaving, and I'm finally in a decent band. And I have to leave and start all over again.
Everyone tells you you have to go to college to be anything in this country, but then they tell you what a horrible place college is. It's hard, lots of people drop out/gain a lot of weight/commit suicide/get pregnant. Apparently, the only thing anybody ever does is drink and fuck, too things I don't have much expirience with.
I spent the last twelve years struggling to be good enough, and I never was. I never got straight A's, never was the best at anything though I worked my ass off. Isn't there some rule that says if you try really hard things should work out? Or am I just living in my illusion of a life?
Well, guess I'm gonna find out what real life is. And believe you me, if it's anything like what people make it out to be, I don't really see the point to going on. So fuck you life, I hope you don't suck, 'cause if you do I'm not so sure I'm gonna keep putting up with you.

]]> ~DarkNite109 http://DarkNite109.deviantart.com/journal/13728871/ http://DarkNite109.deviantart.com/journal/13728871/ Sat, 14 Jul 2007 04:39:50 PDT Nobody????
Shame. I feel like I really need to get out of my house, if only for a couple of days.
I need to go somewhere I can kind of zen out.

]]> ~DarkNite109 http://DarkNite109.deviantart.com/journal/13603109/ http://DarkNite109.deviantart.com/journal/13603109/ Wed, 04 Jul 2007 06:51:30 PDT Am I a nice person, or am I a pushover?
I never get mad when someone blows me off or dumps me to go do something else. I'll give up things so other people can have them, and if anyone I'm with doesn't have the money for something, I always lend it to them, whether I know I'll be paid back or not.

I have come to a conclusion here, of why nobody ever dissapoints me. I'm so used to dissapointing myself, that everything else just glances off. It's like my aura keeps everything out, but also keeps everything in. All my friends are always getting pissed at each other, and I'm just like, "come on guys, don't fight." I've become the peacemaker and the one everyone goes to with their problems. It's like everyone can think, "Well, at least I'm not Aysha. Now my problems don't look so bad."

Alright, I know that's not true, and I don't really know what I'm complaining about. What I do know is that very few people have seen me truly angry, because I always let things slid off my back. What's gonna happen when all that suddenly comes out? I'll probably kill someone, that's what.

The weird thing is, I'm nice and I let things go, but I am also one of the most cynical people I know. It's liike I know go in that I'm gonna get fucked around, so I don't let it bother me.

urk, I'm making no sense. ]]> ~DarkNite109 http://DarkNite109.deviantart.com/journal/13479258/ http://DarkNite109.deviantart.com/journal/13479258/ Mon, 25 Jun 2007 00:49:02 PDT But I'm making it sound awful, and it's really not. My cousins Omar and Seif are here as well, and those boys have to be the funniest fucking things I have ever come across.
And this city, omfg, it is gorgeous, in an odd, blast from the past sort of way. All the buildings are made of limestone, cause there aren't many trees that you can use for wood and other materials. There are hardly any stoplights, and everyone drives like goddamn maniacs. Five times aday prayers from the Koran come over the loudspeaker. It's really cool. It's pretty modern too, as in people dress in western clothes and use normal appliances, though I'm not allowed to wear anything that shows my shoulders or cleavage. IT's not like I'd be stoned or anything, but the men here are worse than Italian men. They STARE. You walk by and about five million eyes follow you. It's kinda funny, actually.
Yesterday Me, Seif, Omar, Mariam, and Ali walked down the street, nearly got run over, and bought some ice cream from a tiny little shop, where the guy only spoke Arabic, with a bit of English. Me and my cousins speak English with a little bit of Arabic, so it's funny when we try to talk to anyone.
We're goin to the dead sea tommorow. IT's called that becasue it's so fuckin salty nothing can live in it. Adn if you swallow the water, it is like poison. Yay.
Well, I will see you guys later. Right now I'm gonna help my grandma make brownies in a solar cooker you use on the porch.
Masalama!

]]> ~DarkNite109 http://DarkNite109.deviantart.com/journal/13437600/ http://DarkNite109.deviantart.com/journal/13437600/ Thu, 21 Jun 2007 19:21:49 PDT Everytime something happens that reminds my how ugly I really am, i fall to pieces. that shouldn't happen. Everytime I try on a pair of jeans and realize I've gained some weight, I should not pick up a knife. I should just be like a normal person and try to lose it again.
But if you grew up being told you were worth nothing because you were heavier than all the grls around you, how would you feel?
It's stupid, it's emo, and it's unhealthy. And it's weak. I shouldn't care what I look like, I shouldn't care what people think. I shouldn't need anyone but myself. I shouldn't have to be human and need approval to feel like I matter. I don't want to have a voice in my mind that says no one could ever want me because I'm ugly. I don't want to be a stereotype. I don't want to hurt myself and like the pain, partly because it takes my mind off my insecurites and partly because I've always kind of enjoyed sharp pains, like cuts and burns. That's something to delve into later.
But I don't want to have my wellbeing ruled by whether or not I approve of what I see in the mirror.
I hate myself.

]]> ~DarkNite109 http://DarkNite109.deviantart.com/journal/13203419/ http://DarkNite109.deviantart.com/journal/13203419/ Sun, 03 Jun 2007 14:48:49 PDT Let me explain.
I live in central Maryland, and today we have had a break from the searing heat. It is cool, windy, and raining. Not pouring--gentle rain, like a fine mist settling over your hair and skin. I went for a walk outside becuase it's my favorite kind of weather.
Does anyone know what kind of weather I'm drescribing? The wild, almost feral joy of feeling wind and rain and knowing you're a part of that too. It's the kind of weather where you feel like anything could happen, that there could be anything hiding behind the next bend. Reality ceases to be, thoughts blend together.
I walked down by the lake, through a path where the trees come together overhead to form a kind of tunnel. There were no flowers, just green evrywhere, and it felt like I was leaving my own world and entering another.
And then, suddenly, I heard flute music. It was light and twittering and for a moment i thought it was in my head, but then i saw someone sitting under a gazebo on the other side of the lake. I didn't have my glasses on, so I couldn't see if the person was a man or a woman, but I got the distinct impression that they weren't normal. Maybe not even human. Don't ask me how that makes sense, because I don't know. What i do know is that i think if I were to walk back down there, the flutist would be gone, and the woods would be just woods.
But this afternoon, I felt something different. I walked through these trees and knew there was something in this forest, in this river, that was more than met the eye.
It sounds dumb, but I really felt like if I had just followed that flutist home, I would have found a Faerie Court. Because I'm a writer and a romantic and I come up with weird stuff like that.
Still, just thought I'd share.

]]> ~DarkNite109 http://DarkNite109.deviantart.com/journal/12790492/ http://DarkNite109.deviantart.com/journal/12790492/ Mon, 30 Apr 2007 13:12:27 PDT No other comment.
I'm doing okay, actually.

]]> ~DarkNite109 http://DarkNite109.deviantart.com/journal/12705856/ http://DarkNite109.deviantart.com/journal/12705856/ Mon, 23 Apr 2007 14:38:51 PDT So why try?
Why does anyone try?
Someone told me that life is about hardship. It's about tough love.
So why does anyone put up with it?
Why doesn't everyone just...die?

]]> ~DarkNite109 http://DarkNite109.deviantart.com/journal/12664435/ http://DarkNite109.deviantart.com/journal/12664435/ Fri, 20 Apr 2007 07:01:52 PDT Yeah, so if I want to compete on deviantart I have to photoshop and use gorgeous models who are naked. Then everyone will be like.
*Drools* that is so hot!!! or Your model is so hot!

Seriously, it seems kinda odd to me.

]]> ~DarkNite109 http://DarkNite109.deviantart.com/journal/12496684/ http://DarkNite109.deviantart.com/journal/12496684/ Sat, 07 Apr 2007 13:03:46 PDT But I can't afford it. The tuition is $40,000, and we can't afford it, and they won't give us enough financial aid. So now I have to ask the question. Do I just go to the less expensive school (UNCA) and suck it up, or do I take out a ten thousand dollar loan?
Is it even really worth going to college, if all i want to be is an author?
And can I really even trust myself enough to answer these questions?

I don't know. I'm...just a stupid teenager. How am I supposed to know what the fuck I want?

]]> ~DarkNite109 http://DarkNite109.deviantart.com/journal/12400272/ http://DarkNite109.deviantart.com/journal/12400272/ Sat, 31 Mar 2007 09:56:26 PDT Well, at least I have 1st block Creative Writing and 3rd block Photography to get me out of bed in the morning.
It's still frustrating, though, to be wasting eight hours of my day, and dragging myself out of bed at 6:30 am, just to go to a place I don't really need to be. I've done my credits. I could fail everything this semester and still graduate.
Ah, well.

]]> ~DarkNite109