http://search.deviantart.com/?q=by:DementedDB&section=today deviantART RSS for by:DementedDB en-us Copyright 2009, deviantART.com Thu, 17 Dec 2009 09:49:21 PST deviantART.com http://blogs.law.harvard.edu/tech/rss http://s.deviantart.com/minish/widgets/apple-touch-icon-precomposed.png http://DementedDB.deviantart.com/journal/28933241/ http://DementedDB.deviantart.com/journal/28933241/ Sun, 13 Dec 2009 22:57:09 PST
check it out....

[link]

I think we're on the exact same page....

I can't wait to go back to GA and see him....

]]> ~DementedDB http://DementedDB.deviantart.com/journal/28397773/ http://DementedDB.deviantart.com/journal/28397773/ Mon, 16 Nov 2009 15:40:02 PST I'm dropping out of West Ga and enrolling in West Ga Tech across town. I am really heart broken to leave my jobs. Career Services is the best job I've ever had and without it I never would have realized my own goals in life. I'm going to miss RA because I've gotten close to a lot of these residents and to leave them in the middle of the year it breaks my heart....and they're sad because I'm leaving which makes it harder...

Also....part of me is still really hurt and not wanting a relationship but....at the same time...I've got an infatuation...with this guy who's so sweet...he gives the best hugs, he's got beautiful eyes, he likes me, he makes me smile...and he's a resident...one reason I'm glad I'm leaving...he won't be my resident anymore. I doubt anything will happen, but it's always good to heave a dream right?

ugh...anyways...that's my life now a days, wrapping things up and stuff

]]> ~DementedDB http://DementedDB.deviantart.com/journal/27863227/ http://DementedDB.deviantart.com/journal/27863227/ Mon, 19 Oct 2009 21:23:24 PDT
Also I've been thinking a lotto day about relationships....with a male adult figure....I had a father growing up but in my life I never had a dad. My "Dad" was always absentee, even when we were visiting I never felt like I could go to him for anything, because I could, he never knew who I was and until this day he still doesn't know who I am. My father on the other hand, he's always physically been there, but he never knew how to emotionally be there. It was never something he learned..and Asperger's didn't help. I always felt pushed to the side, and part of that was my depression, but part of it was because we really never had a connection...nothing like the relationship he had with my brother or sister. My mother told me the other day they were talking about me and he said something really nice...and I can't get it out of my mind...how could he think such things about me, yet sit there and cut my christmas present to him up right in front of me?

I think my father issues are the reason I have issues with guys...I've never had a strong relationship where the guy was always there both emotionally and physically..I think I'm terrified that a guy is going to leave me, one way or another. Somehow I always rush into relationships that fail in the first couple of weeks, but I never let relationships just happen...but I guess i've never met a guy with the exception of Jeremy that I feel a real relationship could happen with. I just have to keep faith that one day I will.

]]> ~DementedDB http://DementedDB.deviantart.com/journal/27845334/ http://DementedDB.deviantart.com/journal/27845334/ Sun, 18 Oct 2009 22:24:34 PDT Goodnight, my someone,
Goodnight, my love,
Sleep tight, my someone,
Sleep tight, my love,

Our star is shining it's brightest light
For goodnight, my love, for goodnight.

Sweet dreams be yours, dear,
If dreams there be
Sweet dreams to carry you close to me.

I wish they may and I wish they might
Now goodnight, my someone, goodnight

True love can be whispered from heart to heart
When lovers are parted they say
But I must depend on a wish and a star
As long as my heart doesn't know who you are.

Sweet dreams be yours dear,
If dreams there be
Sweet dreams to carry you close to me.

I wish they may and I wish they might
Now goodnight, my someone, goodnight.
Goodnight,
Goodnight.

and this will be the way it is until my heart finds the one who completes it. Until I can be whole and happy once again. Goodnight my someone, goodnight.

]]> ~DementedDB http://DementedDB.deviantart.com/journal/27825905/ http://DementedDB.deviantart.com/journal/27825905/ Sat, 17 Oct 2009 23:05:39 PDT
I'm having an internal debate with myself in regards to Jeremy....I don't know if I should just say goodbye one last and final time, if I should just let him slowly drift away....if I do say goodbye I don't know how to do it...how do you say goodbye to the love of your life?? I was watching a movie earlier and the question was raised "do you believe every one has one person they're meant to be with?" and so it got me to thinking...do I? honestly I'm not so sure...I do believe in love as a concept and a feeling, my feelings for Jeremy make the belief in love unignorable. I definitely believe that there are some people out there that are definitely 100% made for each other, like my grandparents for instance...they've been married 51 years, they've known each other since junior high and they're still undoubtedly in love, but I don't necessarily believe that there's someone like that for every one, and on top of that, I don't necessarily believe that there is someone out there for everyone. Some people just are meant to be single forever, but I believe with those people that is either their choice, or after a certain age you just kinda let go and let things be....you give up...I've convince myself I'm going to be one of those people who're meant to be single forever....but I guess it's really too soon to tell...I AM only 20

I love making out and kissing guys and hugging them, and being cuddled and being in the presence of a good looking male. That's why I fall for them so easily...I'm a flirt and easily won over. The thing is....I can't ever let myself get serious...part of that up to this point was my undying love for Jeremy...but I also believe I do have a fear of commitment. I'm terrified to let someone get under my skin and into my heart the way Jeremy has. No one gets to see me cry, no one get to know how I'm feeling and how I'm hurting, it's not their place to know....it's mine, I can't burden them with my feelings and thoughts...I can't burden anyone with that...so I keep it inside, I write it in here....I don't let anyone know that I sobbed for an hour the other night because I felt torn to pieces...but I'll be okay. I am just terrified...I am truly terrified it's gonna be months before I get kissed again. I've come to really really love kisses and make out sessions...maybe I take them for granted, but I need them...and months? that's gonna be damn hard, but I just don't see anything like that happening any time soon

I don't mean to ramble...i just have to get my thoughts down somewhere and it's easier to type than to write. I suppose I should wrap this up...I've said enough as is.

If there's a prize for rotten judgment
I guess I've already won that
No man is worth the aggravation
That's ancient history, been there, done that
...
No chance, no way,
I won't say it
...
It's too cliche
I won't say I'm in love
...
I thought my heart had learned it's lesson
It feels so good when you start out
My head is screamin' get a grip girl
Unless you're dying to cry your heart out, oh no

]]> ~DementedDB http://DementedDB.deviantart.com/journal/27671735/ http://DementedDB.deviantart.com/journal/27671735/ Fri, 09 Oct 2009 16:12:38 PDT
Anyways....I'm still hurting...things aren't the same and I hate that...I've seen the guy I fell in love with since we got back, but not often...it's like his heart isn't there. I thought that being with me for a couple days that I would be enough. I really did...but it turns out being me and having been there for him for the past 3 years and loving him ISN'T enough and it never will be. I was crazy to believe it.

I need to let go and move on. It's going to be a slow and painful process, I know that. I mean, you give 3 years of your life and your heart to 1 person, you don't get over that quickly...i know, I've tried to move on...but I think this is the straw that's breaking the camel's back...I've done all I can do and I've loved all I can love to the point I don't think I can love anymore. Him or anyone else. I am at a point I can't even be turned on anymore...that's never happened before.

I dunno...guess I'll just wait and see what tomorrow will bring.

Always fallen for these bad boys,
Such a challenge
I'm getting tired of cleaning
Up after them
I think I'm ready to be a woman
Oh love I think I'm ready
Ready for it

]]> ~DementedDB http://DementedDB.deviantart.com/journal/27635481/ http://DementedDB.deviantart.com/journal/27635481/ Wed, 07 Oct 2009 15:19:43 PDT Is Mono REALLY necessary on top of everything else?? REALLY???
Love,
Me



So, as I'm sure you can guess I have mono. I also have midterms to study for, and presentations to prepare for and residents to care for, myself to take care of, programs to plan, etc. etc.

I swear God hates me...and I KNOW he's testing me...

]]> ~DementedDB http://DementedDB.deviantart.com/journal/27592282/ http://DementedDB.deviantart.com/journal/27592282/ Mon, 05 Oct 2009 07:19:08 PDT He makes me do things I wouldn't do otherwise - we won't discuss what these things are
...but when I talk to him, the real him, I fall deeper in love.

so even though my heart is broken and aching...I fell again.
I won't let go though because I did that once and it about killed me.

so i'll just suffer because at least then I can go to him for comfort <3

]]> ~DementedDB http://DementedDB.deviantart.com/journal/27522720/ http://DementedDB.deviantart.com/journal/27522720/ Thu, 01 Oct 2009 14:20:36 PDT I don't even know who I'm telling because I don't know who reads this...

but I'm not okay
I can't feel anything.
I constantly want to cry - but can't
I feel dazed and confused
I'm lost
I have no appetite
- meaning I eat maybe once a day
I'm anxious
I have no emotions
I don't have anyone I can talk to
I want to physically hurt myself
- don't worry, I'm not going to

I can't tell anyone and it's killing me keeping it inside.
I am having to eat my words.

This weekend was supposed to be everything
And it could have been but I fucked it up. I don't know what to do
I don't know how to get through this

I really wanna drop out of school
I hate it I am not motivated (I wasn't before this and definitely not now)
This is going to be quite possibly my worst semester yet

I need to go hang out with Lee and Ashley but I can't even do that
they're going back packing....
I can't go with them because I have work, resstar and a lame ass program.

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK



...and I'm severely annoyed with this computer because I can't download my syllabus to see what we're doing tonight and I can't change the mood on this damn this and fucking dell called me today AFTER I spent fucking $70 on a new AC adapter.

...and after all of that...I'm pmsing


FML


forever came and went
Forever stumbled through
Forever had poor sense of time and made a mess of me and you
Forever had us fooled
We fell for it again
Now time is standing still forever

]]> ~DementedDB http://DementedDB.deviantart.com/journal/27502725/ http://DementedDB.deviantart.com/journal/27502725/ Wed, 30 Sep 2009 12:12:27 PDT
at least emotionally.

I totally and completely have given up.

I can't feel.

I'm never hungry.

I'm just going through the motions of living.

Cause we are broken
What must we do to restore
Our innocence
And all the promise we adored
Give us life again
Cause we just wanna be whole

]]> ~DementedDB http://DementedDB.deviantart.com/journal/27417781/ http://DementedDB.deviantart.com/journal/27417781/ Fri, 25 Sep 2009 20:50:02 PDT so....i'm excited because he seems like he really is excited to see me and he really does wanna take pictures and he loves me for me
I love him terribly...2 years is too long
i can['t wait

]]> ~DementedDB http://DementedDB.deviantart.com/journal/27305217/ http://DementedDB.deviantart.com/journal/27305217/ Sat, 19 Sep 2009 17:49:37 PDT He's the only thing I've ever wanted this much for this long and despite everything the only thing I've ever never been able to completely let go of.

]]> ~DementedDB http://DementedDB.deviantart.com/journal/27080088/ http://DementedDB.deviantart.com/journal/27080088/ Mon, 07 Sep 2009 17:16:33 PDT One day the world will right itself
For now I'll feel the way
For now I'll wait for a sign
For right now I'll put my faith in you.

Not really sure what's going on in my life...I feel like I'm failing in classes, in my job, in life in general, but I keep marching on because I sure as hell can't tell anyone...anyways God made me an amazing actress in the worst ways and I'll keep acting the part, after all that's what I was meant to do.

]]> ~DementedDB http://DementedDB.deviantart.com/journal/26623985/ http://DementedDB.deviantart.com/journal/26623985/ Sun, 16 Aug 2009 07:47:36 PDT Mystique surrounds
Words float to the heavens
Whisper sweet nothings in my ear
Come back down to earth
Deflated
Unalive
Lies and dreams
Foolhardy and naive
Just a girl waiting on a dream
to take her where she wants to go
Never alone
Always solitary
Nothing to remember
A world to forget
Blood stains
Broken hearts
Heated kisses
Sweaty nights
When the sun is shining
The rain is pouring
The moon plays hide'n'seek




I don't know what's going on in my life right now, it's a little bit tumultuous. Classes started Thursday, I'm a little bit - no, a lot bit nervous - but it'll be okay. I have a work out plan so hopefully I can lose this weight.... I'm falling for someone new who doesn't have the time for me, I'm forgiving someone who treated me like an ass, I'm working my butt off, I'm being lazy as hell... it's all just a lot to happen at once.

But I love my life.


P.S. Jeremy will hopefully be down to visit me in the next 3 months!!!!

]]> ~DementedDB http://DementedDB.deviantart.com/journal/24861789/ http://DementedDB.deviantart.com/journal/24861789/ Wed, 20 May 2009 18:09:57 PDT
I'm crushin big, I'm trying to forget Jeremy [but not really, he's still my best friend], and I'm breaking hearts.

I think I've got a boyfriend when I get home...and this one'll last because we know each other....we have since August...

I miss him a lot, he promised to send me messages over the summer so I know what he's up to...and he promised pictures too! <3

I'm more or less happy

]]> ~DementedDB http://DementedDB.deviantart.com/journal/24386212/ http://DementedDB.deviantart.com/journal/24386212/ Wed, 22 Apr 2009 22:09:58 PDT
I have headaches almost everyday
My foot hurts when I walk cause I can't walk normally cause my toes are still recovering from severe burn
My toes itch like hell cause they're healing, they hurt like hell to bend cause of the damage
My heart is confused and lonely
My brain is overworked and stressed
My body is overall exhausted & completely tense

17 days....I really hope I can make it without screwing up too terribly

]]> ~DementedDB http://DementedDB.deviantart.com/journal/24268918/ http://DementedDB.deviantart.com/journal/24268918/ Thu, 16 Apr 2009 06:07:47 PDT
32 innocent professors and students were killed in a random act of violence by a fellow student who then took his own life as well.

Please take a moment today to remember - it could have happened anywhere, it could have been you.


R.I.P.

* Ross A. Alameddine
* Christopher James Bishop
* Brian R. Bluhm
* Ryan Christopher Clark
* Austin Michelle Cloyd
* Jocelyne Couture-Nowak
* Kevin P.Granata
* Matthew Gregory Gwaltney
* Caitlin Millar Hammaren
* Jeremy Michael Herbstritt
* Rachael Elizabeth Hill
* Emily Jane Hilscher
* Jarrett Lee Lane
* Matthew Joseph La Porte
* Henry J. Lee
* Liviu Librescu
* G.V. Loganathan
* Partahi Mamora Halomoan Lumbantoruan
* Lauren Ashley McCain
* Daniel Patrick O'Neil
* Juan Ramon Ortiz-Ortiz
* Minal Hiralal Panchal
* Daniel Alejandro Perez
* Erin Nicole Peterson
* Michael Steven Pohle, Jr.
* Julia Kathleen Pryde
* Mary Karen Read
* Reema Joseph Samaha
* Waleed Mohamed Shaalan
* Leslie Geraldine Sherman
* Maxine Shelly Turner
* Nicole Regina White

You are dearly missed

]]> ~DementedDB http://DementedDB.deviantart.com/journal/24262762/ http://DementedDB.deviantart.com/journal/24262762/ Wed, 15 Apr 2009 18:53:44 PDT I think it's subconsciously on purpose
It's breaking me
He doesn't care
He warned me about this
And I knew, but I didn't want to believe
Now I'm in pieces

I can't wait for 5/27
The beginning of my internetless phoneless life!
I was stupid

]]> ~DementedDB http://DementedDB.deviantart.com/journal/23992663/ http://DementedDB.deviantart.com/journal/23992663/ Tue, 31 Mar 2009 19:15:38 PDT
In the past 2 days I have had 1 person ask to use one of my photos as the main image in a photo they are doing for a website AND a woman who works in the ResLife office has asked me to do a photoshoot for her and her son...and she's paying me!

Both of these are such honors!!



]]> ~DementedDB http://DementedDB.deviantart.com/journal/23888806/ http://DementedDB.deviantart.com/journal/23888806/ Wed, 25 Mar 2009 18:27:40 PDT
Let's see, I'm technically going out with Luis, but he never calls so....yeah that won't last long....

um...what else...I don't know...just trying to figure out where my life is going...

]]> ~DementedDB http://DementedDB.deviantart.com/journal/23579041/ http://DementedDB.deviantart.com/journal/23579041/ Sat, 07 Mar 2009 17:33:47 PST
awww, froggy (aka alex) just came downstairs and talked to me...for a split second before leaving...

I don't know...I really can't bring myself to care, you know? My world won't forgive me so what do I have to live for...I can't love anyone..at this point I'm not even attracted to anyone else, and I highly doubt that will change any time soon and that's so odd for me, usually there's an attraction, but now there's nothing...My heart feels dead...except when I think about him or see his picture or...

I'm sorry for whining I just don't have another outlet...

]]> ~DementedDB http://DementedDB.deviantart.com/journal/23542365/ http://DementedDB.deviantart.com/journal/23542365/ Thu, 05 Mar 2009 15:04:04 PST with point and shoot I like to use the screen whereas with SLR's I use the eye piece, this is not and SLR, sadly I still don't have that kinda money but it's a good step up from what I had before, more zoom and all of that. I'm really looking forward to trying it out. That being said I'm off to try it out!!

]]> ~DementedDB http://DementedDB.deviantart.com/journal/23291717/ http://DementedDB.deviantart.com/journal/23291717/ Thu, 19 Feb 2009 15:48:13 PST
]]> ~DementedDB http://DementedDB.deviantart.com/journal/22688083/ http://DementedDB.deviantart.com/journal/22688083/ Tue, 20 Jan 2009 07:00:27 PST

[link]
Tristography

]]> ~DementedDB http://DementedDB.deviantart.com/journal/22568039/ http://DementedDB.deviantart.com/journal/22568039/ Tue, 13 Jan 2009 20:08:11 PST "looking for love in all the wrong places
Looking for love in too many faces
Searching your eyes, looking for traces
Of what.. I'm dreaming of...
Hopin' to find a friend and a lover
God bless the day I discover
Another heart, lookin' for love"

One of these days I'll find my place but...until then, I guess I'll just muddle along

]]> ~DementedDB http://DementedDB.deviantart.com/journal/22303717/ http://DementedDB.deviantart.com/journal/22303717/ Wed, 31 Dec 2008 12:54:25 PST
Tonight at midnight strikes the dawn of a new year...and lord knows that I can't wait...This past year has been so up and down, I've been high on love and I've been low on heartbreak, but right now....Right now I'm starting off my new year with not even a crush....Things are still complicated with me and both Jeremy's but I think I have somehow managed to salvage my heart, unfortunately I know I'm going to end up breaking someone else's but right now, it's all that I can do.

Starting this year I am going to live life to the fullest and do my best not to get bogged down by the dream of romance, I'm not making any resolutions, I never have and it's just not something I feel inclined to do, but I am saying that I'm going to try and make this an amazing year. Amanda and I already have a plan in progress for when we start to feel everything is weighing down on us wayy too much.

I wish you all the best in this new year as well, and I will talk to you all next year!!

2009 FTW!!!

((haha, Sana<3))

]]> ~DementedDB http://DementedDB.deviantart.com/journal/22058427/ http://DementedDB.deviantart.com/journal/22058427/ Thu, 18 Dec 2008 23:18:08 PST
And I told Jeremy how I've been feeling and I thought he was gonna get mad, but he didn't, he just told me that no matter what happens, even though I drive him bananas he will ALWAYS love me...and I needed that too...I'm so confused though...I know I'm gonna hurt him and I know he's gonna hurt me...

I need more nights like tonight....

]]> ~DementedDB http://DementedDB.deviantart.com/journal/21881349/ http://DementedDB.deviantart.com/journal/21881349/ Mon, 08 Dec 2008 12:46:05 PST
I'm also getting sick *sad* I can feel it in my nose, it's stuffy and tickly and yucky. It probably has to do with getting less and less sleep...I haven't been able to fall asleep till like 3 and 4 in the morning and then still having to get up earlier...I guess my immune system is taking the brunt of it.

I think I need to nap...besides...I have to look nice for tonight...SHHHHH, it's a secret!! oh wait...I didn't tell you anything xD ...guess you'll just have to ask or not find out at all O:- )

]]> ~DementedDB http://DementedDB.deviantart.com/journal/21823923/ http://DementedDB.deviantart.com/journal/21823923/ Thu, 04 Dec 2008 22:14:59 PST I am grinning from ear to ear, my cheeks are beginning to hurt
Heck...I even got up and danced around my room with my bear...I never do that....

keep your fingers crossed for me....this could be a turning point in my life....

<33

]]> ~DementedDB http://DementedDB.deviantart.com/journal/21579358/ http://DementedDB.deviantart.com/journal/21579358/ Thu, 20 Nov 2008 10:15:07 PST
mostly what's been coming has been about broken heart and letting go...which is what I'm working with, letting go, maybe some day soon.

I'm not looking forward to this next week......

I also have no photographic inspirations..so that kinda sucks.

]]> ~DementedDB http://DementedDB.deviantart.com/journal/21305964/ http://DementedDB.deviantart.com/journal/21305964/ Mon, 03 Nov 2008 18:15:13 PST
My love life if a fucked up mess.
My social life is dimming
My professional life is affecting my strength

I just don't know how to do this anymore...Amanda's unhappy and I feel like I have to be happy for her, so I don't tell her what's going on because she is losing trust in love and it hurts me. I've been hurt...really hurt. every one especially guys in my life have hurt and disappointed me.

I hate when people prove me right. There's this secret I can't tell you because me and the person involved decided not to tell people...though...half of y'all who read this know...but it broke me. I was finally happy...I had hope and it was crushed within hours.

I dont know. I want to leave everyone and everything. I swear I do.

]]> ~DementedDB http://DementedDB.deviantart.com/journal/20866589/ http://DementedDB.deviantart.com/journal/20866589/ Mon, 06 Oct 2008 21:48:08 PDT
so why does it choose to hit us when it does?
and why does it choose to make us love those we can't have?
and why won't it let us move on?
and why does it make me happy and smiley?
and why don't I care that he's with someone else?
and why do I believe that it's going to be right in the end
and why am i in love?

I love him.
it doesn't matter, none of this stuff matters,even the shortest convo leaves me smiling simply because I got to talk to him. And I know that he cares and Im convinced that even though he hasn't realized it yet that he's in love with me too and we'll be together someday.

it may not be today or tomorrow but someday I will be his wife and you will see me walking down the aisle towards him. And someday we will make sweet sweet love and I will have his beautiful babies.

Someday...I just wish that day were today

]]> ~DementedDB http://DementedDB.deviantart.com/journal/20682263/ http://DementedDB.deviantart.com/journal/20682263/ Fri, 26 Sep 2008 07:36:57 PDT
I hate when people ask me how many guys I have...I got asked that about 10 times...but I hate it cause in reality I have none

JayB likes me, we flirt, but we're just friends [I'm not really interested...?]

Jeremy stole my heart forever ago, but nothing's happening, especially now that he's got a gf

Daniel is as always JUST a friend...we tried that...but I guess we still flirt?

Josh is...well, he's Josh and I adore him and if he were here, something might happen, but he's not so we're just friends, really close friends, but just friends nonetheless

and then there's Jeremy 2, i don't have anything to say as far as that goes, we talk, we get along, but we haven't even MET yet...

..and that's that...

(ps - ignore the mood below...this computer is really slow and lame so I can't change it

]]> ~DementedDB http://DementedDB.deviantart.com/journal/20556209/ http://DementedDB.deviantart.com/journal/20556209/ Thu, 18 Sep 2008 16:31:49 PDT I'm so happy.....
I'm so strong....
this is an amazing feeling

]]> ~DementedDB http://DementedDB.deviantart.com/journal/20514974/ http://DementedDB.deviantart.com/journal/20514974/ Tue, 16 Sep 2008 00:04:39 PDT How do I tell you about the pain I feel.
The dark rings around my eyes
The broken shards that once consisted of my heart.
I must've been a fool.
Who knew?
Who knew?

As I lay awake at night
I'd dream of what might of been
But dreaming of what might have been
Shakes me to the core
The pain is too much for heart
It's too much for me to bear.
Who knew?
Who knew?

I didn't know this time
That falling was a mistake
I didn't knew...but then maybe I did
He warned me of the consequences
He told me it would hurt.
Who knew?
Who goddamn knew?

Cause I sure as hell didn't know.
I didn't know it would hurt so bad.
I didn't know it would keep me up at night.
I didn't know he would haunt my mind
I didn't know this would be it.
Who knew?
Who knew?

The night I was hurting most
The day I felt so lonely
In attempt to cheer me up
I got my heart broken in the process
Without words, without actions.
Who knew?
Who knew?

How do I tell you how bad it hurts.
How do I tell you about the pain I feel.
The dark rings around my eyes
The broken shards that once consisted of my heart.
I must've been a fool.
Who knew?
Who knew?

I must've been a fool.
A fool for you to have fallen in love.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jeremy's in a relationship now. he didn't tell me and that's what hurts the most. I knew it was pretty much inevitable, but he didn't tell me he thought I knew...but how would I have known? I just want him to be happy...but it hurts knowing if I somehow saw him I couldn't touch, I couldn't have him. I couldn't right my wrong. God I hate this so bad. I can't sleep for thinking about it. I may go walk in a few minutes...I don't know how long I can do this. I hate that I told him I loved him...the fact that i did and I didn't hear it back...I should've known...I did know. goddammit.

]]> ~DementedDB http://DementedDB.deviantart.com/journal/20511402/ http://DementedDB.deviantart.com/journal/20511402/ Mon, 15 Sep 2008 18:38:08 PDT
I'm so lonely right now and I'm sitting in a lobby full of people. Put a gun to my head and shoot me.

]]> ~DementedDB http://DementedDB.deviantart.com/journal/20487303/ http://DementedDB.deviantart.com/journal/20487303/ Sun, 14 Sep 2008 10:49:23 PDT
]]> ~DementedDB http://DementedDB.deviantart.com/journal/20412591/ http://DementedDB.deviantart.com/journal/20412591/ Tue, 09 Sep 2008 18:50:29 PDT
I'm afraid I'm falling...but i don't want to go into detail right now...It should be a good thing, but i don't feel like it is because my mind is so centered on this one ideal, and I want that ideal, but the reality the ideal is based on is changing, or perhaps I'm just finding out more than i wanted to know...it just happens to be too late.

I'm going to stop my ramblings cause right now it doesn't make sense to anyone but me.

]]> ~DementedDB http://DementedDB.deviantart.com/journal/20398060/ http://DementedDB.deviantart.com/journal/20398060/ Mon, 08 Sep 2008 19:51:08 PDT


]]> ~DementedDB http://DementedDB.deviantart.com/journal/20275830/ http://DementedDB.deviantart.com/journal/20275830/ Tue, 02 Sep 2008 13:13:09 PDT so, my third guy with a J-name is adding to my woe...Josh called me today and told me that today was his last day, he's leaving for good, going home, never coming back...he might even end up moving to another state with his dad. I knew something was up though when the first thing he said to me was "I love you" ...not that he hasnt said it before, but you know...I rescheduled my one on one with my boss so i can spend time with him before he leaves (she understands...she knew he was going before I did!)I'm just really distraught...he's such a good friend and I adore him...what am I gonna do without him...??

------------------------------------------------------

The little girl I knew
ran after you
but she fell this time
and broke her heart in two
A'int that just like the little girl I knew

so, yeah, I have to figure out a way to tell him it's not going to work, and come up with a viable reason as to why.........something more than he's too short for me, cause it's more than that...

THIS is what manda was afraid of...one of us hurting the other since she has to work with him and we're besssst friends [you know, here...]


I'VE NEVER BEEN IN THIS SITUATION!

plus I'm really frustrated with Jeremy cause I found something out the other day which really bothered me...I mean it wasn't a big deal but it made me stop and take a deep breath...I was really upset that night.

He's getting his new tattoo tomorrow....I want to see it, he said he MIGHT take a picture for me...but then again, it's Jeremy, so maybe not. I'm so confused...

too many guys in my life....

]]> ~DementedDB http://DementedDB.deviantart.com/journal/20044422/ http://DementedDB.deviantart.com/journal/20044422/ Tue, 19 Aug 2008 15:37:18 PDT
you don't even know...
I'm soo happy
this is where I belong
at least for now...
I can be who I really am

I can love and think and breathe

]]> ~DementedDB http://DementedDB.deviantart.com/journal/19712010/ http://DementedDB.deviantart.com/journal/19712010/ Fri, 01 Aug 2008 04:14:31 PDT
If I could hold on
Through the tears and the laughter
Would it be beautiful?
Or just a beautiful disaster?

Shane called me Baby and sweetheart yesterday. I dunno how I feel about that...I mean he does realize that he has no claim to me and he doesn't like that...but it's whatever...I feel like if we could talk and could find out truly who each other are we'd be better off....

]]> ~DementedDB http://DementedDB.deviantart.com/journal/19568213/ http://DementedDB.deviantart.com/journal/19568213/ Thu, 24 Jul 2008 07:24:37 PDT I can't have the one I love
I never get to talk to one I like
And the other I like is off limits for various reasons

This sucks :/

and my jaw keeps popping and it hurts, minus the pain I like the way it feels when I pop it.

and today I got to pretend I might be pregnant and it was fantastic and we had a great morning and Garrett is amazing <3

Love can be rough around the edges
tattered at the seams,
baby if it's good enough for you,
it's good enough for me.

]]> ~DementedDB http://DementedDB.deviantart.com/journal/19111974/ http://DementedDB.deviantart.com/journal/19111974/ Sun, 29 Jun 2008 15:17:37 PDT
Things are the way I suppose they should be...

]]> ~DementedDB http://DementedDB.deviantart.com/journal/19017492/ http://DementedDB.deviantart.com/journal/19017492/ Tue, 24 Jun 2008 10:02:56 PDT It was really amazing
I felt like a little kid again
I wish I could have captured the pure elation showing on Annie's face when she first came under the parachute.
I want to do it again

]]> ~DementedDB http://DementedDB.deviantart.com/journal/19003838/ http://DementedDB.deviantart.com/journal/19003838/ Mon, 23 Jun 2008 14:50:55 PDT
I dunno it's weird

]]> ~DementedDB http://DementedDB.deviantart.com/journal/18963439/ http://DementedDB.deviantart.com/journal/18963439/ Sat, 21 Jun 2008 08:38:31 PDT
we live in a cave, and today was the first day that we got to really sleep in and so of course the lights were off and we all have slept till about 11 because we didn't know what time it was and we woke up and still didn't know...it's crazy. our church is in the back of an old furniture warehouse and it has noooo windows xD

anyways, just thought i'd update

]]> ~DementedDB http://DementedDB.deviantart.com/journal/18653390/ http://DementedDB.deviantart.com/journal/18653390/ Tue, 03 Jun 2008 21:29:04 PDT Or perhaps the dreamworld is what we strive for
That which we will never obtain
Perhaps it is that world we want to believe in
And by believing in such a world
We miss all thatis good our world as it is

]]> ~DementedDB http://DementedDB.deviantart.com/journal/18617347/ http://DementedDB.deviantart.com/journal/18617347/ Sun, 01 Jun 2008 20:32:35 PDT I figured out what to say to you
But sometimes the words they, they come out so wrong, oh yes they do
And I know in time that you will understand
That what we have is so right this time, and…


I need you tonight
I need you right now
I know deep within my heart
It doesn’t matter if it’s wrong or right

I need him so badly....but i know that if i had him i wouldn't appreciate him the way that I should...god...i screw everything up. I've told him I love him you know...i probably shouldn't have....i don't know that he knows how much I really and truly mean it...

CRAP! I dun wanna lose him...not from my own stupidity...not over something like this. I don't think i'll ever hear him say it back...

i need someone...
him specifically...
Josh would be 2nd choice...but no him

]]> ~DementedDB http://DementedDB.deviantart.com/journal/18541893/ http://DementedDB.deviantart.com/journal/18541893/ Wed, 28 May 2008 10:49:05 PDT
I'm going to Fieldstone again today [went yesterday] so that should be fun... I'm gonna be SO worn out haha

I am hopefully meeting Vaughn next Tuesday!! I've known him for like...5 years? more than that probably, haha, and I think we're meeting next week, that's awful exciting...

every website is blocked on the school website so I can't do anything online...

Dylan's a sweetheart...my mom was his first teacher in kindergarten and he's autistic and that year he was so anti social and didn't interact with people and if he didn't know you he stayed far away...he's come such a long way...today we were outside and it was sprinkling...I was wearing my flag jacket which only zips down part way and he was trying to get inside my jacket to stay warm, but it wasn't working because it was a half a zipper, it was funny & cute

I could so easily fall in love with Jeremy...he makes me feel wanted, and like I matter, I love talking to him...if there was anyone that could always make me happy it would probably be him...*shrugs* but oh well

There was a time when men were kind,
And their voices were soft,
And their words inviting.
There was a time when love was blind,
And the world was a song,
And the song was exciting.
There was a time when it all went wrong...

I dreamed a dream in time gone by,
When hope was high and life, worth living.
I dreamed that love would never die,
I dreamed that God would be forgiving.
Then I was young and unafraid,
And dreams were made and used and wasted.
There was no ransom to be paid,
No song unsung, no wine, untasted.

But the tigers come at night,
With their voices soft as thunder,
As they tear your hope apart,
And they turn your dream to shame.

He slept a summer by my side,
He filled my days with endless wonder...
He took my childhood in his stride,
But he was gone when autumn came!

And still I dream he'll come to me,
That we will live the years together,
But there are dreams that cannot be,
And there are storms we cannot weather!

I had a dream my life would be
So different from this hell I'm living,
So different now from what it seemed...
Now life has killed the dream I dreamed...

]]> ~DementedDB http://DementedDB.deviantart.com/journal/18478677/ http://DementedDB.deviantart.com/journal/18478677/ Sat, 24 May 2008 12:06:55 PDT
I watched Allison, April and this guy I used to know, Nick, graduate. I got bad pictures of each of them
[got my camera last night...]
sat next to Christina, she was a Siamese triplet with April & I...good times
then I couldn't find April afterwards so I didn't get to see her :/

Tomorrow we're going to see the Indian seats, picnicing and the like...tonight is hanging out, eating, presents, woo.

Monday I go "home"



nevermind.......all the pictures I took this morning of my cousins graduation and then in the driveway afterwards (and there WERE some good ones) got deleted because of the stupid new camera....I'm thoroughly upset, BUT my mommy bought me new shoes and sunglasses today so I feel a little bit better...but not about the pictures

]]> ~DementedDB http://DementedDB.deviantart.com/journal/18443661/ http://DementedDB.deviantart.com/journal/18443661/ Thu, 22 May 2008 07:57:15 PDT
]]> ~DementedDB http://DementedDB.deviantart.com/journal/18433956/ http://DementedDB.deviantart.com/journal/18433956/ Wed, 21 May 2008 15:59:36 PDT
I'll get out of your hair.

]]> ~DementedDB http://DementedDB.deviantart.com/journal/18429184/ http://DementedDB.deviantart.com/journal/18429184/ Wed, 21 May 2008 11:09:10 PDT I have to contact Wes tonight...
UGH!!



I'm helping interview someone for the Office of Student Activities after work tomorrow...that'll be cool. The person will be working directly with ELP so of course Lucille would like some of us to help out with the interview...that'll be fun hopefully...


I feel sick.

]]> ~DementedDB http://DementedDB.deviantart.com/journal/18402171/ http://DementedDB.deviantart.com/journal/18402171/ Mon, 19 May 2008 20:36:58 PDT I'm gonna try and let you go...
...cause you don't need me anymore

...and even though I need you?
I can't hold you back any longer...





................................
moving on....
I think I'm gonna end up with Wes' camera...which I kinda like that idea, but at the same time, i don't...if I don't hear from Katie before Wed. I'm going to contact Wes to see if he wants to drop by work Thurs. and get it...(which I'm afraid is going to happen). Like seriously? this camera sucks...but it is better than nothing *shrugs* I get my new camera on Friday...it's basically the same as before...but it's 580 instead of 560...eh, guess we'll see what happens, huh?

and i don't know how I feel about Jeremy...I miss him sure...and I looove flirting with him...but I dunno...


**Update**

looks like Katie & I ARE going to hang out...possibly between my work & her class on Wed...
found out she went to FL for a couple days with Wes and his friends...wow...I felt kinda upset that I wasn't told...not that I need to know what's going on...but I'd kinda like to know thinking that she and I were gonna hang out at some point, you know? *shrugs* whatever...and she supposedly didn't know that he hasn't talked to me in a couple days...i'm on the fence as to if I believe that or not, but it doesn't really matter.
I am not sure if she wants to hang out with me, but since she's the one that brought it up, I'm gonna assume she does...right?


OH, and I found out yesterday that evidently...kim doesn't like me, she thinks I'm annoying, and supposely, despite the fact that SHE invited me to visit her over spring break [nick said christmas?] she made up a story as to why I couldn't come because she didn't want to see me. and she supposedly said something about she doesn't want to sit and listen to me bitch about the problems in my life...hm...as if I haven't sat & listened to hers? but whatever...I am kinda hurt, I mean, who wouldn't be? but at the same time, I've disconnected myself from my high school friends for the most part so it's not as bad as it would've been say, last summer...we'll see what happens. Nick is no longer friends with her.


and maybe it's pathetic of me to say this, and I'm reverting back to my old ways, but I'm pretty sure no one reads this. *shrugs* what do i care?

]]> ~DementedDB http://DementedDB.deviantart.com/journal/18342514/ http://DementedDB.deviantart.com/journal/18342514/ Thu, 15 May 2008 19:37:46 PDT I really really don't understand...
everytime I get excited about something, I hold my breath and cross my fingers and everytime I get the rug pulled out from under me...
I don't know why I try anymore...
I even bought a fucking bus ticket this time...I have to stop the payment tomorrow

I was crazy to think even for a second that I could have this dream.
crazy.

]]> ~DementedDB http://DementedDB.deviantart.com/journal/18333009/ http://DementedDB.deviantart.com/journal/18333009/ Thu, 15 May 2008 08:28:14 PDT
]]> ~DementedDB http://DementedDB.deviantart.com/journal/18317148/ http://DementedDB.deviantart.com/journal/18317148/ Wed, 14 May 2008 08:04:41 PDT
He texted this morning (well, really last night...) and said he'd make room for me in his schedule...I feel like dancing....

]]> ~DementedDB http://DementedDB.deviantart.com/journal/18310787/ http://DementedDB.deviantart.com/journal/18310787/ Tue, 13 May 2008 18:50:52 PDT
]]> ~DementedDB http://DementedDB.deviantart.com/journal/18280896/ http://DementedDB.deviantart.com/journal/18280896/ Sun, 11 May 2008 20:58:32 PDT
this is what I started writing:

I hope you know....
...that you're a jackass

I have overlooked a lot
I have forgiven a lot
I have given a lot
I have done nothing wrong

but you?

you have taken me for granted
you have taken advantage of my kind nature
you have treated me badly
you have proved yourself a hippocrit

I was hoping this would end on good terms if it had to end
...though I think we both knew it would...

...but evidently getting upset for being blown off is WRONG
now YOU aren't talking to me
...but that's okay...
I don't have to hold back anymore

]]> ~DementedDB