http://search.deviantart.com/?q=by:Donxiote&section=today deviantART RSS for by:Donxiote en-us Copyright 2009, deviantART.com Wed, 16 Dec 2009 02:05:20 PST deviantART.com http://blogs.law.harvard.edu/tech/rss http://s.deviantart.com/minish/widgets/apple-touch-icon-precomposed.png http://Donxiote.deviantart.com/journal/20588064/ http://Donxiote.deviantart.com/journal/20588064/ Sat, 20 Sep 2008 16:03:37 PDT 1. Put Your itunes, windows media player etc on Shuffle
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS
4. Put any comments in brackets after the song name
5. Tag 6 people.

Are you male or female?
Constaintine End Titles (Um, LOL)

Describe yourself!
Love Theme by Danny Elfman (Ha ha HA HA HA HA ha)

What do people feel when they're around you?
Monastery by Matt Uelmen (pfff, okay?)

Describe your current relationship.
Betrayal & Desolation by James Horner (Actually I have just started a brand new relationship and it's going fine so this is completely wrong)

Where would you like to be now?
rocketman by stewie (Yea, pretty much, )

How do you feel about love?
Dreadlord's Plight by Blizzard (LOL)

What's your life like?
Hymn to the Sea by James Horner (nope, wrong)

What would you ask for if you had only one wish?
3rd man in by dropkick murphys (LOL!!!, my friends are totally going to LOL when they see this)

Say something wise.
The Sun Never Shines (On Closed Doors) by Flogging Molly (I think this was a sarcastic wisdom, haha)

If someone says "is this okay?" you say,
Paraguay's National anthem (hahahhahahahha)

What do you like in a guy/girl?
Ich Will by Rammstein (I have no idea what that means in german)

How do you feel today?
The Undercity by Jason Hayes (Not sure what that means)

What is your life's purpose?
Irish Soccer Chant (Um, LOL?)

What is your motto?
Walken III by Stephen Lynch (ha ha ha ha ha, yes, OMFG, yes!)

What do your friends think of you?
The Swamp of Secrecy by Project Pitchfork (Probably, lol)

What do you think of your parents?
The Gang's all here by dropkick murphys (Meh, yea)

What do you think about very often?
Puerto Rico's National Anthem (ha ha ha)

What is 2 + 2?
Shoot to Thrill by AC/DC (Okay?)

What do you think of your best friend?
Kuyurage by Kodo (what does that even mean? lol)

What do you think of the person you like?
Queen Anne's Revenge by Flogging Molly (haha, alright?)

What is your life story?
Messiah by Marilyn Manson (OMFG, LOL! I had a dream I was Jesus once. Ha ha ha, booyah! I'm even jewish too.)

What do you want to be when you grow up?
Attack of the Batwing by Danny Elfman (Actually, if I could be batman, hell yea I would be batman that would be sweet)

What will you dance to at your wedding?
Bab's Uvula Who by Insomniac (pssh, yea right)

What will they play at your funeral?
Damn it feels good to be a gangsta by Ghetto Boys (You know what? I think this is actually appropriate for me. So yes, I accept!)

What is your hobby/interest?
Flo by Smashmouth (Pssh, um, alright?)

What is your biggest fear?
St. Kitt's and Nevis's national anthem (LOL, I have no fears)

What is your biggest secret?
Slaves to Rome by Hans Zimmer and Lisa Gerrard (Meh, I am jewish, haha)

What do you think of your friends?
Du Hast by Rammstein (pssh, still don't know what that means)

What will you post this as
The Battle of Stirling by James Horner

Tagging people is too much trouble, my friends will find it.

]]> ~Donxiote http://Donxiote.deviantart.com/journal/19895901/ http://Donxiote.deviantart.com/journal/19895901/ Mon, 11 Aug 2008 11:24:52 PDT Then, we'll tell you how it works.

2.Stretch your left arm out as far as you can. What do you reach?
Triple Distilled Smirnoff Vodka that Tajniwolf brought home for me.

3. What is the last thing you watched on TV?
Aqua Teen Hunger Force Colon Movie Film


4. Without looking, guess what time it is:
12:30 PM (I was off a bit, it's 1:06 PM)


5. Now look at the clock. What is the actual time?
1:06 PM

6. With the exception of the computer, what can you hear?
I just heard someone shut their car door from across the street.

7. When did you last step outside? What were you doing?
Roasting food over our fire pit with obi-wan8403, 1stIIce, and Tajniwolf last night.

8. Before you started this survey, what did you look at?
An email from my research boss explaining to me what I need to make the schematic drawing of my research vessel from in terms of a computer program.

9. What are you wearing?
Blue old man pants (LOL, it's an inside joke with Kate), an orange lacoste shirt, dark blue socks.

10. Did you dream last night?
Yes, it was a "SEXY TIME" dream.

11. When did you last laugh?
Outside with my roommates last night when we had the bonfire.

12. What are on the walls of the room you are in?
Flowery wall paper, and in front of that on the shelves are like 4 million StarWars toys.

13. Seen anything weird lately?
Last night I tried for the first time, chocolate marshmallow bananas roasted in the fire. They were weird, but delicious!

14. What do you think of this quiz?
It's sorta fun, although, I'd rather be having a "sexy time" dream still.

15. What is the last film you saw?
The Aqua Teen Hunger Force Colon Movie Film

16. If you became a multi-millionaire overnight, what would you buy?
Health Care for all of my friends who didn't already have it. Give my mom 1 million dollars, give my dad 1 million dollars, pay for all of my friends to come back to MU and get any education they wish for free. Buy each of my friends a house in this neighborhood so we could have zip lines that go from house to house and we would like own the neighborhood. Buy lots of electronics equipment and sciencey stuff. Ten large breasted blue haired asian hookers for one hell of a sexy time... Yes, I really do mean that.

17. Tell me something about you that I don't know about.
I had a girlfriend once (although, it wasn't a real relationship, it was one of those young kid relationships where it's like "Oh, I'm holding your hand, we are going out" LOL...)

18. If you could change one thing about the world, regardless of guilt or politics, what would you do?
I would pour money into male contraceptive research to develop one that would work. Why you ask? Women would be all over that like a fat kid on a cake made of ham.

19. Do you like to dance?
Yep, I'm a dancin' fool!

20. George Bush:
Is going to go down as the worst president of all time, and might be tried for war crimes after he is done being the president. (I'm of course referencing Vincent Bugliosi's new book.)

21. Imagine your first child is a girl, what do you call her?
Sarah Elaine

22. Imagine your first child is a boy, what do you call him?
Blaine Roderick

23. Would you ever consider living abroad?
In Russia

24. What do you want God to say to you when you reach the pearly gates?
"We have asian blue haired large breasted hookers!"-God
"Yea?"-Me
"Yea, and the best part is, they're free!"-God

25.Tag six people who must also do this in THEIR journal: I am lazy, so EVERYONE tag.

]]> ~Donxiote http://Donxiote.deviantart.com/journal/19352230/ http://Donxiote.deviantart.com/journal/19352230/ Sat, 12 Jul 2008 10:16:24 PDT ( ) Smoked A Cigarette
( ) Smoked A Cigar
( ) Kissed A Member Of The Same Sex
SO FAR:0

Level 2
(x) Are / Been In Love (maybe, maybe not, but I have been let down a bunch so I really don't know if it was love or lust, because I really like boobies)
( ) Dumped someone
( ) Been Fired
(/) Been In A Fist Fight (I bitch slapped a kid and made him cry, does that count?)
SO FAR: 1.5

Level 3
(x) Had A Crush On An Older Person
(x) Skipped Class
( ) Slept With A Co-worker (The co-worker I'm currently engaged to, lol)
(x) Seen Someone / Something Die
SO FAR: 4.5

Level 4
( ) Had / Have A Crush On One Of Your deviantART / sheezyart Friends
( ) Been To Paris
( ) Been To Spain
(x) Been On A Plane
(x) Thrown Up From Drinking
SO FAR: 6.5

Level 5
(x) Eaten Sushi
(x) Been Snowboarding (I kickass at snowboarding! I'm the king of snow!)
( ) Met Someone Through Internet (not romantically, but friends)
( ) Been in a Mosh Pit
SO FAR: 8.5

Level 6
( ) Been In An Abusive Relationship
( ) Taken Pain Killers
(x) Liked/loved Someone Who You Cant Have
(x) Laid On Your Back And Watched Cloud Shapes Go By
(x) Made A Snow Angel
SO FAR: 11.5

Level 7
( ) Had A Tea Party
(x) Flown A Kite
(x) Built A Sand Castle
( ) Gone mudding
( ) Played Dress Up
SO FAR: 13.5

Level 8
(x) Jumped Into A Pile Of Leaves
( ) Gone Sliding
(x) Cheated While Playing A Game
(x) Been Lonely
(x) Fallen Asleep At Work / School
SO far: 17.5

Level 10
(x) Watched The Sun Set
( ) Felt An Earthquake
( ) Killed A Snake
SO FAR: 18.5

Level 11
(x) Been Tickled
( ) Been Robbed / Vandalized
( ) Been cheated on
( ) Been Misunderstood
SO FAR: 19.5

Level 12
(x) Won A Contest
( ) Been Suspended From School
(x) Had Detention
(x) Been In A Car / Motorcycle Accident
SO FAR: 22.5

Level 13
(x) Had / Have Braces (no, but I need them!)
(x) Eaten a whole pint of ice cream in one night
(x) Danced in the moonlight
SO FAR : 25.5

Level 14
(x) Hated The Way You Look
(x) Witnessed A Crime
( ) Pole Danced
(x) Questioned Your Heart
(x) Been obsessed with post-it-notes
SO FAR: 29.5

Level 15
(x) Squished Barefoot Through The Mud
( ) Been To The Opposite Side Of The World
(x) Swam In The Ocean
(x) Felt Like You Were Dying
SO FAR: 32.5

Level 16
(x) Cried Yourself To Sleep
( ) Played Cops And Robbers
(x) Recently Colored With Crayons / Colored Pencils / Markers
( ) Sang Karaoke
(x) Paid For A Meal With Only Coins
SO FAR: 35.5

Level 17
(x) Done Something You Told Yourself You Wouldn't
( ) Made Prank Phone Calls
(x) Laughed Until Some Kind Of Beverage Came Out Of Your Nose
( ) Kissed In The Rain (I proposed to her in the rain, too.)
SO FAR: 37.5

Level 18
( ) Written A Letter To Santa Claus
( ) Watched The Sun Set/ sun rise With Someone You Care/Cared About
(x) Blown Bubbles
(x) Made A Bonfire On The Beach Or Anywhere
SO FAR: 39.5

Level 19
( ) Crashed A Party
(x) Have Traveled More Than 5 Days With A Car Full Of People
( ) Had A Wish Come True
( ) Been Humped By A Monkey
SO FAR: 40.5

Level 20
( ) Worn Pearls
( ) Jumped Off A Bridge
(x) Screamed "Penis" or "Vagina"
( ) Swam With Dolphins
SO FAR: 41.5

Level 21
(x) Got Your Tongue Stuck To A Pole/Freezer/ice Cubes
( ) Kicked A Fish D8
( ) Worn The Opposite Sex's Clothes (oh god, it haunts me...)
( ) Sat On A Roof Top and watched the stars
SO FAR: 42.5

Level 22
(x) Screamed At The Top Of Your Lungs
( ) Done / Attempted A One-Handed Cartwheel
( ) Talked On The Phone For More Than 6 Hours
( ) Recently stayed up for a while talking to someone you care about
SO FAR: 43.5

Level 23
( ) Picked And Ate An Apple Right Off The Tree
( ) Climbed A Tree
( ) Had/Been In A Tree House
( ) Been scared To Watch Scary Movies Alone
SO FAR: 43.5

Level 24
( ) Believed In Ghosts
( ) Have had More Then 30 Pairs Of Shoes
( ) Gone Streaking
( ) Visited Jail
SO FAR: 43.5

Level 25
( ) Played Chinese Chicken
( ) Been Pushed into a pool with all your clothes on
( ) Been Told You're Hot By A Complete Stranger
( ) Broken A Bone
(x) Been Easily Amused
SO FAR: 44.5

Level 26
(x) Caught A Fish Then Ate It Later
( ) Made A Porn Video/got asked to make one
( ) Caught A Butterfly
(x) Laughed So Har... ]]> ~Donxiote http://Donxiote.deviantart.com/journal/19173348/ http://Donxiote.deviantart.com/journal/19173348/ Wed, 02 Jul 2008 20:47:04 PDT a) tell you why I friended you, (if I have.. if not, I'll just tell you why I like you ^^ )
b) associate you with something - fandom, a song, a color, a photo, etc.,
c) tell you something I like about you,
d) tell you a memory I have of you,
e) ask something I've always wanted to know about you,
f) tell you my favorite submission of yours,
g) in return, you must post this in your journal.

]]> ~Donxiote http://Donxiote.deviantart.com/journal/17944322/ http://Donxiote.deviantart.com/journal/17944322/ Sun, 20 Apr 2008 12:53:08 PDT
Dear Roommates

I don't know how to say this, but I hate you.
I think I realized it when I tied my shoes in your van and I saw you carve your names in John Travolta. I'm sure you're senile enough to understand that Santa doesn't exist.
Im sending back your ring, but I'm keeping your pictures as a memory.
You should know that I get sick when I think about your passionate interest for mice.
Go f*ck youself,
Benjamin Samuel Goldschmidt

Dear- your partners name- (if you're single, write whatever)

I don't know how to say this, but __1__.
I think I realized it __2__ __3__, and I saw you __4__ __5__.
I'm sure you're __6__ enough to understand __7__.
Im sending back __8__, but I'm keeping __9__ as a memory.
You should know that I __10__ __11__.
__12__ /-your name-


1.THE COLOR OF YOUR SHIRT:

blue- our romance is over
red- our affair is at an end
white- I'm joining a monastery
black- I hate you
green- our horoscopes doesn't match
grey- You're a perv
yellow- I'm on the streets
pink- Your nostrils are an insult
brown- the mafia is after you
no shirt- You're a loser
other- I'm in love with your sister


2. WHAT MONTH WERE YOU BORN IN?

January- that night
February- last year
March- when we were skinny dipping
April- when I was high on sesame seed
May- when I was shaving your legs
June- when you put handcuffs on me
July- when I threw up
August- When I saw the tiny head
September- when your dwarf bit me
October- When I was taking a walk
November- When I tied my shoes
December- When your dog went crazy

3. FAV FOOD?
tacos- in your house
pizza- in your van
pasta - in London
Hamburger- Under the bus
salad- while you were eating enchiladas
chicken- with Chuck Norris
kebab- in your closet
fish- in woman-clothes
sandwich- at the mental hospital
hotdogs- in trans
other- with mr and mrs Bush

4. WHATS THE COLOR OF YOUR SOCKS?
yellow- hitting on
red- insulting
black- ignoring
blue- punching
purple- pour syrup on
white- carve your name in
gray- tear the clothes of
brown- put leeches on
pink- steal the toupee from
no socks- sit on
other- chasing out


5. WHAT'S THE COLOR OF YOUR UNDERWEAR?
black – my best friend
white- my father
gray- John Travolta
Brown- my whoopee cushion
purple- my pie
red- th cookiemonster
blue- my aloe vera plant
Yellow- my pen-pal from Ghana
Orange – my Carl Larsson-collection
pink – my cat
no underwear – my Cartman-statue
Other- The crazy monk


6. WHAT DO YOU WATCH ON TV?
Scrubs - man
O.C. - sensitive
One Tree Hill - open
Heroes - ashamed
Lost - turned on
House - cowardly
Simpsons - scarred
the news - Mongolian
American Idol – masochistic
Family Guy - senile
other - frost-bitten

7.WHAT MOOD ARE YOU IN RIGHT NOW?
happy- how bad I've been feeling
sad- How boring you are
bored- that your Honda sucks
angry- that all your pimples are in the last stadium
Depressed- That I have changed sex
exited- that there's no solution to
nervous- the Middle east
Worried- that we're cousins
apathetic- that Santa doesn't exist
Ashamed- that I'm allergic to your hamster
Hugable- that the garbage-man turns me on
exceedingly happy- that I'm a clone
other- "Deal or no deal" sucks

8. THE COLOR OF YOUR BEDROOM-WALLPAPER?
white- your ring
yellow- your love letters
red- your Darth Vader-poster
black- your pet rock
blue- the pillows
green- the pictures of Portugal
Orange- your artificial teeth
brown- your cellphone
gray- our matching snoopy-bibs
pink- the old toe-nails
other- your military service-memory-box

9. THE FIRST LETTER IN YOUR NAME?
A/B - Your picture
C/D - the oil-stock shares
E/F - My virginity
G/H - your neighbor Carl
I/J - The blood-test results
K/L- your left ear
M/N - Your suicide-note
O/P - my sense
Q/R - your mom
S/T - Your collection of butterflies
U/V/W - your crime records
X/Y/Z- your highschool grades


10. LAST LETTER OF YOUR LASTNAME?
A/B – shall always remember
C/D – never will forget
E/F – Always will try to forget
G/H – will inform The Swedish Tax Agency
I/J – have always felt dirty because of
K/L – have never laughed in public about
M/N – am making a movie about
O/P – throw rocks at
Q/R – informed the psychiatrist about
S/T – get sick when I think about
U/V/W – told the... ]]> ~Donxiote http://Donxiote.deviantart.com/journal/17918374/ http://Donxiote.deviantart.com/journal/17918374/ Fri, 18 Apr 2008 20:26:10 PDT
Stolen from Tajniwolf

Instructions:

Put your mp3 / iPod / music player of some various variety on shuffle.
- Take the first line from the first ten songs listed / given.
- Mesh them together and make something new.

Here we go!

Lady's and gentlemen this is mambo number five
Carry on my wayward son
I never thought hyenas essential
Dream and dream
One, two, one, two, three
Looking for job in the city
Everyone knows Jesus
12th and hyde on a sunday
Say hey Johnny boy, the battle call
Come fly with me lets fly, lets fly away...


Credits:

1. Mambo Number 5-Lou Bega
2. Carry On My Wayward Son-Kansas
3. Be Prepared-The Lion King
4. Dream a Dream-DDR
5. Yuh, Mayn Tayerer, Baby (She's Got That Style)-People's Republic of Klezmerica
6. Proud Mary-Creedence Clearwater Revival
7. Craig Christ-Stephen Lynch
8. Reinventing Your Exit-Underoath
9. Boys on the Docks (Murphy's Pub Version)-Dropkick Murphys
10. Come Fly With Me-Frank Sinatra

]]> ~Donxiote http://Donxiote.deviantart.com/journal/17683710/ http://Donxiote.deviantart.com/journal/17683710/ Fri, 04 Apr 2008 13:40:09 PDT
1) Name: Benjamin Samuel Goldschmidt
2) Name Backwards: Tdimhcsdlog Leumas Nimajneb
3) Were you named after anyone?: Yes, my great grandfather, 'Samuel'
4) Does your name mean anything?: 'Son of my right hand', LOL, I know, it sounds dirty but it has religious roots.
5) Nick Name(s): Benny G-Ryde, JEW, Jewben, Goldshit, Goatshit, Jewish Ben
6) Screen Name(s): Jacksparrowdeath, Donxiote, MasterSmiley42
7) Date Of Birth: 11/01/1986
8) Place of Birth: Columbia, MO
9) Nationality: United States Citizen, through and through
10) Current Location: Columbia, MO-in the rich, white, christian, neighborhood.
11) Religion: Jewish, but nonpracticing at the moment
12) Height: 5' 10" I believe, I'm not really sure, around that somewhat.
13) Shoe Size: 9-11 depends on the kind
14) Hair colour: Super ridiculously dark brown, but I'd like to think it's black.
15) Eye colour: That special sexy kind of brown eyes that women freak out over.
16) What do you look like?: I look like the bastard child of a Cuban terrorist and a hippie from the 60's.
17) Innie or Outie?: Innie
18) Righty, Lefty, Ambidextrous: I'm not ambidextrous but I switch off which hand I use depending on what I'm doing. The only ambidextrousness I have is when I have special "me" time, then I use both hands.
19) Gay, Straight, Bi, or Other?: Straight, in that sort of hypocritical american male way where I'd really like to have a 3some with two girls and me but I wouldn't have a 3some with a girl and guy even if the girl was my girlfriend and she wanted to because I'm well, hypocritical like that. Which is probably why I'll never be allowed to know what a 3some with two girls and me will be like, lol...
20) Best friends: Past: Joey Present: Victoria, Colleen, Vanessa, Greg, Ben W., Cristin, Jeremy, Dominic
21) Best friend you trust the most: I don't really "trust" anyone. I'd have to kill them if I did.
22) Best friends {your sex}: Ben W., Dominic, Greg, Jeremy
23) Best friends of the opposite sex: Vanessa, Cristin, Colleen, Victoria
24) Best Bud(s): The ones in my refrigerator
25) Boyfriend / Girlfriend: I have had 0 real relationships in my life. In fact, I have never even been on a date before. I did get to see and feel girl boobs once. I made out with a drunk girl at a party. I sat out on the dock late at night with a girl who I used to work with, but she turned out to be a bitch to me and ignored me even though she told me that she had a great time and wanted to see me again. The fact of the matter is, I'm working on making the 40 year old virgin thing a reality. Oh well, at least I'll be rich and can hire as many hookers as it takes to mend my scared unloved psyche.
26) Crush(s): In the order they came-1) Kristan 2) Mary 3) Sarah 4) Kathryn 5) Lauren 6)Bridget 7) Dorie 8) Jenny 9) Victoria 10) Colleen 11) Christa 12) That blued haired girl that would always come into plaza 13) Kate 14) Karen
27) Parent(s): Seem to not know anything about how to raise children, ever.
28) Worst Enemy/Enemies: Women who don't give me the benefit of the doubt.
29) Funniest friend: Vanessa-here's a quote-"Soft and emo-ey on the inside, hard and black on the outside"
31) Advice Friend: For women-Dominic (Although, he doesn't give great advice and actually usually gives me advice that ends up screwing me over more) For women, life, and secrets of the bisexual order-Vanessa. For reminiscing about the past-Cristin
32) Loudest Friend: Casper-PENIS GAME, not to mention one time I pissed him off and when he yelled at me I thought I went deaf for a while.
33) Person you cry with: I have a PENIS, I don't cry.
34) Any sisters: Nope
35) Any brothers: Nope
36) Any pets: All dead, like 10 dogs, a dozen cats, chickens, a goat, etc.
37) A Disease: Is the inability to convince a woman to have sex with you a disease?
38) A Pager: GAY, lolz
39) A mp3 player/ipod: My PSP
40) A laptop: Toshiba POS (piece of shit)
41) Gaming platform: Xbox 360 bitches, awwwwwwww yea...
42) Surround sound: Hell yea, in my living room!
43) A Personal phone line: Nope, my dad has one though.
44) A Cell phone: Yes, but I hate having it. Having a cellphone does not give people the right to call you whenever they please. 1 am is not an appropriate time to call someone, even if it is a cellphone!
45) A Lava lamp: It's sitting around here somewhere, it's red.
46) A Pool or hot tub: I'm going to have both when I buy my amazingly expensively awesome house with my engineering money. And I'm going to fill both of them with horny bisexual blue haired asian hookers.
47) A Car: I bike to school. And I'd rather fly to be honest. It's faster, and just badasseryer.... ]]> ~Donxiote http://Donxiote.deviantart.com/journal/16375465/ http://Donxiote.deviantart.com/journal/16375465/ Sat, 12 Jan 2008 16:38:54 PST
In other news, I found out something amazing a few weeks ago due to talking with a girl I know from germany and some other sources. I am not the sad, pathetic guy I thought I was. I'm just oblivious. I have had four different "chances" to get to know someone in my life, however, I was oblivious to every single one.

A girl that I knew since my freshman year of college, invited me over and wanted to watch a movie with me. As soon as I got there she started drinking large quantities of Vodka and offered me some. I drank some; I can't turn down Vodka, it's Vodka. She hopped on her bed and motioned for me to climb up there too. Shortly after that her roommate left. As soon as her roommate left she leaned in close to me and asked if I wanted a certain "act" that men typically want women to perform because apparently it's awesome. (I wouldn't know) I laughed and said "Not from you" because I thought she was going to hit me if I said "Yes". What I failed to realize at the time was the fact that A) We were alone, B) I was on her bed and neither one of us was watching the movie, C) Both of us drank heavily.

Later on that semester I was introduced to a nice young lady by another good friend I had met at college. She was the first girl I ever kissed. We got to know each other pretty well and we hung out a few times until one fateful night I did something wrong. I wanted to hang out with her that night. She was confused a bit and later on told me that she didn't really want to hang out anymore. Later after speaking with a friend of mine and reading some literature, I found out what she really meant. She was trying to tell me that I was being too clingy, which hindsight being 20/20 makes perfect sense.

Another time during my freshman year I took a walk late at night and came back to the MU fountain near brady and saw a friend of mine sitting there gazing into the depths of the water. I sat down and we conversed for several hours and got a significant rapport going that I thought was just friendly talk but which turned out to be far more significant. It was 2 am when we finally stopped talking (I think we started around 11 or 10) and I went back to my room. She ignored me after that, even to just talk, as if I had done something wrong. I didn't realize until I talked to the girl in this next story why that happened.

My friend from germany used to go to college with me. One day she offered to straighten my hair (after we had become really good friends) because I had been talking about buying a straightener and learning how to do it myself. I went over to her place and she proceeded to straighten my hair. After it was all straight and beautiful I sat down on her bed and she sat down next to me. I had previous plans to go to a study session after she would straighten my hair so that I could get some homework out of the way so that I could spend more time socializing with people since I felt rather alone that week. What I didn't realize was A) I was on her bed in her house alone with her B) She liked me in that special sorta way C) The whole point of her inviting me over to straighten my hair had nothing to do with being friendly and nice to me, it was the only reason she could think of to get me to come over without just awkwardly asking me to. I left in a hurry to get to my study session. The irony being that I gave up exactly what the study session was supposed to free up my time for. Since then I have talked with her about what I did and didn't do, and I realized that I am not an ugly or utterly hated person, I was just oblivious to the chances that were given to me. She admitted to trying to avoid me after that because she was confused as to why I didn't take the initiative and not be oblivious to her. Every single one of these stories that happened in. Every single person avoided me and until I knew this information I thought it was because I was a horrible person or because I had done something terrible that I just hadn't realized. In truth, it was because I was oblivious!

I had a rather difficult childhood, mostly characterized by me always thinking that no one liked me, particularly women. I was wrong, completely. Admittedly, I am filled with feelings of regre... ]]> ~Donxiote http://Donxiote.deviantart.com/journal/13492034/ http://Donxiote.deviantart.com/journal/13492034/ Mon, 25 Jun 2007 23:16:20 PDT
For as long as I can remember I have cared what other people have thought of me. Well, actually it started when I had a rather unpleasant experience with a girl that I had a major crush on in elementary school. She didn't like me and rather abruptly scolded me for looking upon her beauty. Ever since then, I have taken great care into what I would consider to be "What I should be" measured by those around me of course. The problem with that is the people I associate with are very different and at times antagonistic to each other which causes its own antagonisms within my own self. Therein lies my duality; my utter inability to take a stance on an issue that I truly believe.
Even within my closest circle of friends many times I feel like I can't really be who I truly want to be, for I fear and am quite often shown to be right about the judgemental attitudes of others. What is worse is that, it is not a fault of their own, everyone has certain inherent judgements within them that makes them able to handle different situations with relative familiarity and ease. Otherwise, even a simple social encounter like shaking a hand would become endlessly complicated and neverendingly convoluted. I just wonder why am I different? Why do my first thoughts and first instincts differ from society at large? I can say the simplist of things; or even think the simplist of ideas that to me seem to be deep seeded and inherent to every human being and yet I keep finding more and more that my values and learned thoughts differ so greately from others that the thoughts themselves are utterly incompatible in any other form besides confrontation, submission, or non-acknowledgement.
My greatest fear is that of losing control; of becoming so alienated from life that I fundamentally do not understand it and actively destroy everything that I try to work towards. My greatest fear is of being crazy. Some people might say that being crazy is all in how you act towards society; I can't help but wondering if it comes more from one's own self-thought than one might think.
I do not know if a "real" me exists anymore. I often ask myself the question "Do I have any interests that I am REALLY interested in?". I don't. I play the guitar to start a band. I want to start a band to make money. I want to make money to be the president. But I don't really want to be president. It's as if my interests only serve to give me other interests and are a means rather than an end in themselves. I recently went on a starwars convention trip with my friends and it was a lot of fun. I absolutely could not complain. I have never had a better vacation in my entire life. Did I really like Star Wars in the same sense as the people who went with me did? I doubt it. Now don't get me wrong, Star Wars is cool, but once again, that is an interest that is a mean not an end in itself. I do not have any interests and to be honest that scares me. I can't imagine being human and having no "real" interests. I guess part of the problem is that every interest I could have had I have always subordinated to the greater good. If I had the money to use for something necessary, I used it for that. The thing is one might tell me that I could spend more money/time on myself, the problem with that is that I don't know what I would do. Anything I can think of seems like an utter waste. Anything that helps me grow to have a better life really doesn't do anything for me either since I don't know what the point of having that better life is. The end I want is to spend time with friends and make new ones. The end I want is to immerse myself in art and music. The end I want is to share that with someone closer to me than any human relationship I have ever had. The end I want is freedom. Universal freedom, the freedom to do whatever I want, the freedom to choose, the freedom to know no judgement, that is what I desire.
My solution to all of this mess is to finally be who I want to be. Not to be the person who is annoying, who is dark humored, who speaks before he thinks, who looks before he leaps. My solution is to be the one thing I am afraid to become. My solution is to become the popular kid. That is exactly what I've always wanted. I have wanted to be the trendsetter. I have wanted to be the confident adult. I have wanted to be me. The me that no one has ever sensed. The me that makes me feel free. My peers, my elders, my own mind seems to conflict with the real me and tears away at it everyday until there is utterly nothing left but the skeleton of what... ]]> ~Donxiote http://Donxiote.deviantart.com/journal/12784694/ http://Donxiote.deviantart.com/journal/12784694/ Sun, 29 Apr 2007 23:42:46 PDT
As for my personal life: (all of these stories are true, although they are hard to believe)

I ate lunch with someone the other day and before I went to meet them and the other people they brought along they ordered me to not be "weird and creepy like I always am" and to be honest it's stuff like that that just pisses me off. It's like how can I ever make progress if by the time I have a chance to prove myself everyone has already passed their judgements of me? I have had certain events in my life that have given me quite a sour taste in my mouth of what a real relationship could be.

1. I asked an Uuber Christian girl out to a highschool dance. Uuber Christian girl told me to ask her dad if I could take her to the dance. Her dad told me that because I didn't believe in Jesus that he couldn't trust me enough to take his daughter to the dance. He compared letting me take his daughter to a dance to "lending me a chainsaw".

2. The girl I had a crush on for most of my life one day turned to me and scolded me for staring at her. (Even though she knew that at the time I would have done anything to just talk to her) After that I never looked at another girl I liked the same way again.

3. One day in spanish class we were playing truth or dare. The "dare" was for the girl to give me a hug. The girl immediately snapped and said that that "dare" was too harsh and that she shouldn't have to follow it. So she hugged another girl instead.

4. When I was of sufficient age to drive on my own and go to parties my parents were very strongly convinced that I wasn't trustworthy and so I couldn't go to any parties where there was alchohol. They told me I could go to anything where there was no alchohol. I lived out in the country, the ONLY thing hick people did was go out into the middle of a field, have a barbecue and get drunk. So I never got to associate with anyone who I liked either.

5. One girl I met was absolutely enthralled by my very existance when I came to college. I met her through a friend and we started hanging out around e-week my freshman year. We started to form a somewhat stable rapport with each other when suddenly for no reason she just wanted nothing more to do with me. I hadn't done anything wrong, she just changed her mind. What was worse was that I never had the intention of originally trying to be more than friends with her, until she wanted that. Then when I wanted it too, all of it was yanked away as quickly as we had met.

6. I am constantly reminded by my family of my failures in this particular part of my life. Everytime we "catch up" they always have to ask the "Do you have a girlfriend?", or the "Are you dating?" or the "Do you have any prospects?". First of all, it is none of their business and I even tell them that I am uncomfortable talking about such things and yet that makes them ask it more. They make it seem as though being with someone is so important that nothing else in your life matters until it matters to someone else. To be quite honest, until I came to college, my life meant nothing. I had no funny stories, no skills I was good at, no real life of any kind other than doing nothing and doing homework, both of which I hate. I just find myself still only doing those meaningless things and worse yet thinking that somehow if someone actually cared that much about me that somehow it would make it all go away.

7. The story of the 40-I have been turned down by over 40 different girls that I asked to dances and sockhops and the like. After a record like that as a logical human being I can't help but wonder why no one has said yes. Did I do something wrong? Was I so annoying or uncuth that I was simply not worth it? Will it always be this way?

8. One girl who I wasn't going to even try to be more than friends with because I knew she would reject me told me that she would never date me. I hadn't even asked, I wasn't going to because I knew what would happen, and I was EXACTLY right.

To end this 8-pronged slew of awefulness I will simply say that I would do anything to be able to understand and fix my life in this area. I would give away every posession I own, I would read thousands of books if only for the chance to catch a clue, I would run thousands of miles until my legs fell off if it would make a difference. I would do anything, if only anything worked. Well, there's my rant, love it or leave it.

-Donxiote

]]> ~Donxiote http://Donxiote.deviantart.com/journal/9377690/ http://Donxiote.deviantart.com/journal/9377690/ Fri, 14 Jul 2006 16:38:08 PDT But, mine is going to be me, as a duck billed platypus... So there you go. Yea I said it, duck billed platypus! ]]> ~Donxiote http://Donxiote.deviantart.com/journal/9330441/ http://Donxiote.deviantart.com/journal/9330441/ Mon, 10 Jul 2006 09:10:50 PDT ~Donxiote http://Donxiote.deviantart.com/journal/9054815/ http://Donxiote.deviantart.com/journal/9054815/ Tue, 13 Jun 2006 08:32:27 PDT but if I get it working, expect to see a kickass halo video that will wow and amaze you until you crap yourself silly. lol... okay maybe not the last part, that might stink a bit. ]]> ~Donxiote http://Donxiote.deviantart.com/journal/9017156/ http://Donxiote.deviantart.com/journal/9017156/ Fri, 09 Jun 2006 09:51:10 PDT ~Donxiote http://Donxiote.deviantart.com/journal/8579916/ http://Donxiote.deviantart.com/journal/8579916/ Tue, 25 Apr 2006 10:19:30 PDT ]]> ~Donxiote