http://search.deviantart.com/?q=by:DragonladysLair&section=today deviantART RSS for by:DragonladysLair en-us Copyright 2009, deviantART.com Fri, 11 Dec 2009 16:40:24 PST deviantART.com http://blogs.law.harvard.edu/tech/rss http://s.deviantart.com/minish/widgets/apple-touch-icon-precomposed.png http://DragonladysLair.deviantart.com/journal/6374228/ http://DragonladysLair.deviantart.com/journal/6374228/ Tue, 30 Aug 2005 23:48:32 PDT Chapter 2: Remembering Who I Was

Digging deeper into the mountain of old paperwork in the filing cabinet, more of the bittersweet past of broken dreams and promises seemed to come forth. Old and faded journal pages, long since having lost their binder, were found and read. Some were from a time that was better left unsaid, but told a very chilling story of exactly what had made her turn into the woman she was now today. What could possibly be so horrendous that was written on those long forgotten pages that could tell why she had such distrust toward anyone who started becoming close to her?

Still holding one certain page in a hand that shook like a leaf being blow by a gentle breeze, she lights a cigarette, holding it tightly with her lips, taking in a long drag of it and blowing the smoke out of her nose. She poured herself another glass of bourbon, downing a large gulp of it to numb the assault to her mind that was about to be unleashed when she started to read the contents. She knew this page by heart because it was one that she relived every time she closed her eyes. That one memory that she wished with all of her soul that it could have only been a bad dream instead of part of the past that killed any hope for happiness.

Dear Journal,

I went to see my friend Sally today but her brother Dustin was the only one there. He invited me in so I could wait on her to get back. He started talking to me and sat down beside me. He lit up this homemade cigarette and told me to smoke some of it…that it would make me feel good. I didn’t want to, but he just kept on pushing me. It smelled so funny. Kind of like burning leaves. Well I did what he said and took some puffs off of it. Don’t know what it was, but soon my head was feeling funny. It was like the room was spinning. I was so scared. I didn’t know what to do. I told him that I needed to go home, but he wouldn’t let me. He told me that I needed to lie down for a few minutes and that the dizziness would pass. I tried to stand up, but my legs wouldn’t do anything. He picked me up and laid me down on the floor. The next thing I knew he was taking off my clothes. I tried to push his hands away, but they felt so heavy that I couldn’t lift them. All I could do was lie there. Oh my God…what is he doing to me? Why? I felt a pain hit me as if my flesh was being ripped away. Tears started flowing from my eyes and rolling down the side of my face wetting my hair. I couldn’t move. I wanted to run but I couldn’t. He just looked down at me with that smirk on his face. What seemed like forever but was only a few minutes, I guess, he started yelling something then got off. I still couldn’t move. As soon as my body was able, I got to my feet and grabbed my clothes. I put them back on and ran out the door. I didn’t go home, but walked around in the woods for hours trying to figure out why he did this to me. I liked him. How could he be so mean and cold? Why me? I’m only 15.

Yes, that was a question that I constantly asked myself for years afterwards. Why me? Why didn’t I just kill the bastard and be rid of that memory? I didn’t because for some strange twist of fate, I would once again hook up with him and eventually marry him. Misery loves company. And he took something that I could never get back, so revenge on him would be like a sweet but bitter wine. And it would be mine.

Tilting the glass and letting the bourbon slip down her throat, burning its way down into her belly, she smiled a sadistic grin. Yes, revenge against him was sweet, but the price that had to be paid was steep. Wanting him to suffer for years to come, just as he caused her to that day was well worth damning her soul. It was after she had given birth to their son when she started her revenge against him and his family that had hurt her by trying to take away her son. She had reverted back to her roots, deep within dark Cajun secrets of black magic and voodoo curses. Placing them on not only him, but on his mother as well as two of his sisters.

Yes, I will seek my revenge and I will succeed. The curse I place on you my dear mother-in-law is one that will haunt you for the few remaining days of your life. You will never set eyes on your grandson again. This I promise. And as for you who I once called my friend, you will never know the joy of having another son, because you gave up your own and tried to steal mine. And you my other sister-in-law with your holier than thou attitude, you will no longer know the love of your husband and children. They will rise up and rebel against you, leaving you barren and alone. And last but certainly not least, you my husband who has raped and cheated on me since we have been together, you will never have my son, nor shall you ever have another son by any other woman. This I do decree with my very essence.

Two months after she invoked t... ]]> ~DragonladysLair http://DragonladysLair.deviantart.com/journal/6374123/ http://DragonladysLair.deviantart.com/journal/6374123/ Tue, 30 Aug 2005 23:19:15 PDT Chapter 1: The Bitter Past

Knowing that moving day was at hand, she began to sort through the years of accumulation that had stockpiled its way in her room. Memories, bitter and painful flooded from a far region of her brain that was tightly locked away all those years ago. Gasping for air from the shock of them, she tried to damn them back up before she became swept away like raging rapids. Too late now for they were there and ready to gnaw once again on her soul.

Brutal memories of being unloved from the moment of birth. Her father had run away as soon as he heard that she had been conceived. Her mother, still a teen already with one child and now another one on the way. So what did her mother do? Drink. After she gave birth to her daughter, she didn’t want either child that she had bore. She started to leave them with whoever would watch them. Finally a relative decided that they wanted to adopt the son. But what of the daughter? Wouldn’t anyone take her as well? Out of desperation, the mother told the adoptive parents to be that they must take both children if they were to have the son. So giving in to her demands, they adopted both. But that was just the beginning of her torture.

They say you can’t remember things while you are very young, but I know that is a lie. I remember too many things. Bad things. Nightmares. My first nightmare was while I was still in the crib. I will never forget it. Loud noises and dark shadows closing in on me. Threatening to consume me into eternal darkness. A passing train’s whistle managed to wake me up before the darkness covered me. I laid there looking through the white wooden bars of my crib at the twinkling stars in the nights sky out my bedroom window and listened until I could hear no more of the trains humming wheels rolling its way down the tracks. I knew back then even if I cried or screamed that no one would listen or come to my aid. I was alone.

By now, the tears were welling up in her eyes. She was determined to get everything sorted without breaking down. Suddenly the ringing of the phone brought her out of that memory and back into her reality. Answering it only to find that it was a wrong number call saddened her in a way. No one ever calls her anymore just wanting to chat. Had she slipped that far into herself that everyone she once knew she had blocked them out of her life entirely? Grabbing a file out of the cabinet and going through it to see what could be thrown away, was a death certificate. Her adoptive mothers. Holding it her hand and read it began another memory that should have been left in the dark…one that should never have been told to any child at that age.

I was five and not yet in school. It was a hot day and I was banished to my room as usual. As I laid on my bed staring out my window daydreaming, mom came into the room on one of her rampages. She was yelling at me for no reason at all except to take out her own hatred of her life out on me. I guessed it made her feel better knowing that she could hurt me with her words. At that time I didn’t know that she wasn’t my real mother. But the words she said that day still hurts. Grabbing me by the arm and yanking me around to her face so that she could make me look into her eyes as she shouted, she told me she wished I had never been born. God! What a thing to say to a child so young. Why would she do that I thought? After she was through and had left the room, I pondered that question myself. I mumbled out “well if you didn’t want me, then why did you have me?” unknowing that she did not bring me into this world that I now despise. Even with it being the middle of summer, all I could feel was cold. Covering myself, I lay back in the bed and wished that I were floating away with one of those clouds that looked like a big glob of cotton candy.

Knowing there was no more need for that, she tossed the death certificate into the trash can and bid it adieu. ]]> ~DragonladysLair http://DragonladysLair.deviantart.com/journal/6374040/ http://DragonladysLair.deviantart.com/journal/6374040/ Tue, 30 Aug 2005 23:01:48 PDT Prologue:

As I wake up, pillow soaked from the flood of tears that my broken soul has once again released in my slumber, I face the sobering fact, which is a constant burden that I must bear. A heavy heart broken beyond repair filled with emptiness and despair. Dreams of the eternal search for that one special love that will set this spirit free and the haunting fact that it will never be. A soul that is unable to gain rest and closure only to wander aimlessly through the ages to suffer. An endless search for something that does not exist, but is only a sweet dream that has now turned into a nightmare.

Seeking our lives to find the things that we think matter to us to survive this life such as acceptance for who we are, companionship so that we are not alone, a kindred spirit that is like our own, and most importantly love that can be equally shared. But what do we get for opening our heart and soul to another? A pain so searing that it rips the very fiber of our being into pieces. Betrayal, rejection, being used and thrown to the wayside to suffer with the knowledge of giving our all and not receiving even a portion of what we have given out. Sometimes this burden gets to be too much to bear and we try to rid ourselves of it. But to our dismay, some of us carry the scars of not finding our release from the pain. We are not allowed to end the torment, but to carry on with our lives living each day with the memory of our failed attempt to find release to our suffering. Yet for reasons unknown, we continue to search and allow ourselves to open up and try again to find that which we search for so diligently.

I’m so tired of crying myself to sleep only to wake up to those same tears. Tired of living with a heart so broken that it can never trust anyone enough to be mended. Waiting on something that will never come my way. Why do I have to continue on with this live only to live in constant suffering. Does it make me any stronger or wiser? No. It only makes me more cynical of life and its meaning. It rips away my beliefs of a higher being. Why would someone that is suppose to love us make us suffer and not let us experience it? This question is ripping my eternal soul apart. I need an answer please.

She lay there in her empty bed puffing on yet another cigarette, her cheeks still wet and stained from where the tears have made their tracks known. Long blonde hair was all tousled up from the fitful night of strange ominous dreams. The bed covers laid on the floor crumpled in a pile except for the edge of the sheet that still clung to the sweat soaked body. Crushing out the butt in an ashtray that laid next to her, she arose up and swung her feet to the cold bare floor. Cold. A feeling she had felt for too many years now. The sun was beginning to peek through the darken window. Another day of emptiness was at hand. ]]> ~DragonladysLair