http://search.deviantart.com/?q=by:EdwardVanHelgen&section=today deviantART RSS for by:EdwardVanHelgen en-us Copyright 2009, deviantART.com Tue, 22 Dec 2009 07:41:47 PST deviantART.com http://blogs.law.harvard.edu/tech/rss http://s.deviantart.com/minish/widgets/apple-touch-icon-precomposed.png http://EdwardVanHelgen.deviantart.com/journal/25055699/ http://EdwardVanHelgen.deviantart.com/journal/25055699/ Sun, 31 May 2009 17:04:38 PDT
]]> ~EdwardVanHelgen http://EdwardVanHelgen.deviantart.com/journal/23689801/ http://EdwardVanHelgen.deviantart.com/journal/23689801/ Sat, 14 Mar 2009 07:46:20 PDT
]]> ~EdwardVanHelgen http://EdwardVanHelgen.deviantart.com/journal/20684558/ http://EdwardVanHelgen.deviantart.com/journal/20684558/ Fri, 26 Sep 2008 10:49:53 PDT Z radością oświadczam, że udało mi się wygrać dwuletnie stypendium na wydziale reżyserii w Warszawskiej Szkole Filmowej! Nagrodę zdobyły mi moje animacje, które obejrzeć można na [link] Zachęcam do konstruktywnych komentarzy
W nastęny wtorek przeprowadzam się do stolicy. Cały czas jestem do złapania pod telefonem, można też pisać na maila: tessa@g.pl
Biorąc pod uwagę fakt, że nie mam własnego aparatu (do dyspozycji zostaje ewentualnie RLS) wątpię bym miała wiele zdjęć do publikowania.
Pozdrawiam deviantów

]]> ~EdwardVanHelgen http://EdwardVanHelgen.deviantart.com/journal/19176289/ http://EdwardVanHelgen.deviantart.com/journal/19176289/ Thu, 03 Jul 2008 01:26:23 PDT )

Nie załamuję się tym niepowodzeniem - zależało mi na studiach w Łodzi, nie w turpistycznych Katowicach (chociaż pytanie - które miasto gorsze). Poza tym, moi drodzy, lubię Poznań, mam tu wiele możliwości samorealizacji na najbliższy rok.

Nie mogę pisać, tracę formę:/

]]> ~EdwardVanHelgen http://EdwardVanHelgen.deviantart.com/journal/18915589/ http://EdwardVanHelgen.deviantart.com/journal/18915589/ Wed, 18 Jun 2008 16:24:33 PDT
łyżeczki kawy: 10;
papierosy: 0;
tabletki: 15;

godziny poza domem: 0;
godziny przeleżane: 21;
godziny patrzenia w lustro: 2;
dziennego posiłku: 0,5;

obejrzane filmy: 1,5;
przeczytane książki: 0;
napisane listy: 0;
wysłane maile: 0,5;

newralgiczne pomysły: 666;
zdrożne pomysły: 999;
dyletanckie pomysły: obok;
defetyzm egzystencjalny: obecny.

]]> ~EdwardVanHelgen http://EdwardVanHelgen.deviantart.com/journal/18528948/ http://EdwardVanHelgen.deviantart.com/journal/18528948/ Tue, 27 May 2008 14:47:48 PDT I don't believe in pain
I don't believe there's nothing left
but running here again

I don't believe in promise
I don't believe in chance
I don't believe you can resist
the things that make no sense

I don't believe in silence
cos silence seems so slow
I don't believe in energy
the tension is too low

I don't believe in panic
I don't believe in fear
I don't believe in prophecies
so don't waste any tears

I don't believe reality would be
the way it should
But I believe in fantasy
the future's understood

I don't believe in history
I don't believe in truth
I don't believe that's destiny
or someone to accuse

I believe, I believe!!!

I don't believe in trouble
I don't believe in pain
I don't believe there's nothing left
but running here again

I don't believe in promise
I don't believe in chance
I don't believe you can resist
the things that make no sense

I don't believe in silence
cos silence seems so slow
I don't believe in energy
the tension is too low

I don't believe in panic
I don't believe in fear
I don't believe in prophecies
so don't waste any tears

I believe!!!

I want you to try, try
to needing to know why, why
No kidding, no sin, sin
No running, no win, win
I believe!!!

No angels, no girls, girls
No memories, no Gods, Gods
No rockets, no heat, heat
No chocolate, no sweet, sweet
I believe!!!

I want you to try, try
to needing to know why, why
No kidding, no sin, sin
No running, no win, win
No angels, no girls, girls
No memories, no Gods, Gods
No rockets, no heat, heat
No chocolate, no sweet, sweet

No feeling, no secrets...
The silence you feel...
which hides you from
the real...
I want you to try, try
needing to know why, why


I believe, I believe!!!

]]> ~EdwardVanHelgen http://EdwardVanHelgen.deviantart.com/journal/18228654/ http://EdwardVanHelgen.deviantart.com/journal/18228654/ Thu, 08 May 2008 14:58:37 PDT Just a fraction of a second, hopefully.

]]> ~EdwardVanHelgen http://EdwardVanHelgen.deviantart.com/journal/17816939/ http://EdwardVanHelgen.deviantart.com/journal/17816939/ Sat, 12 Apr 2008 16:01:27 PDT [link]

"I didn`t mean to eat this shoe in public (...) but it makes sense to some extent, becouse it should be an encouragement for all of you that want to make films and who are just scared to start, and who don`t have the guts(...)"
If you want to do a film steel a camera (...) sneak into a lab and do it!"


See it yourself!
Special thanks to czarne-witraże:*

]]> ~EdwardVanHelgen http://EdwardVanHelgen.deviantart.com/journal/17142802/ http://EdwardVanHelgen.deviantart.com/journal/17142802/ Sun, 02 Mar 2008 03:41:03 PST
]]> ~EdwardVanHelgen http://EdwardVanHelgen.deviantart.com/journal/16947323/ http://EdwardVanHelgen.deviantart.com/journal/16947323/ Mon, 18 Feb 2008 14:13:55 PST [link]

only on youtube for now. So if you wanna c it now instead of waiting ages... See it! I wanna know what you think!

]]> ~EdwardVanHelgen http://EdwardVanHelgen.deviantart.com/journal/16630092/ http://EdwardVanHelgen.deviantart.com/journal/16630092/ Tue, 29 Jan 2008 14:45:02 PST
IN VINO VERITAS


Isn`t it all to ironic, don`t you think? The linguistic similarities, my depraved ilusions.

]]> ~EdwardVanHelgen http://EdwardVanHelgen.deviantart.com/journal/16254324/ http://EdwardVanHelgen.deviantart.com/journal/16254324/ Fri, 04 Jan 2008 11:52:52 PST
My life is good.
Isn`t it ironic, don`t you think?

Maybe I`ll regain my mobilisation someday, I hope. Should write some sense.

Happy New!



(no comments needed)

]]> ~EdwardVanHelgen http://EdwardVanHelgen.deviantart.com/journal/15889671/ http://EdwardVanHelgen.deviantart.com/journal/15889671/ Tue, 11 Dec 2007 12:57:55 PST


Ku łagodniejszej fali wzdyma płótno
Łódź mego ducha i na cichsze morze
Wpływa, za sobą mając toń okrutną.

(Dante)

]]> ~EdwardVanHelgen http://EdwardVanHelgen.deviantart.com/journal/15637986/ http://EdwardVanHelgen.deviantart.com/journal/15637986/ Fri, 23 Nov 2007 16:00:15 PST i tylko ciebie wciąż wołam
Ciebie wzywam z daleka
więc ja leżę i leżę i leżę
bo tylko Tobie zaufam
więc ja czekam i czekam i czekam
i tylko ciebie wciąż wołam
Ciebie wzywam z daleka
więc ja leżę i leżę i leżę
bo tylko Tobie zaufam
tylko tobie uwierzę
tylko tobie uwierzę

]]> ~EdwardVanHelgen http://EdwardVanHelgen.deviantart.com/journal/15480070/ http://EdwardVanHelgen.deviantart.com/journal/15480070/ Mon, 12 Nov 2007 14:19:57 PST I`m totaly disorientated and inprisoned by my own limits. Helpless against the world and my weaknesses. Afraid.

]]> ~EdwardVanHelgen http://EdwardVanHelgen.deviantart.com/journal/15357214/ http://EdwardVanHelgen.deviantart.com/journal/15357214/ Sun, 04 Nov 2007 06:49:03 PST
And sad: 4 days out of school make me a genious. Alas!

]]> ~EdwardVanHelgen http://EdwardVanHelgen.deviantart.com/journal/15215234/ http://EdwardVanHelgen.deviantart.com/journal/15215234/ Thu, 25 Oct 2007 12:19:51 PDT tik tak.


Literatura, tony książek rozpoczętych, na wpół skończonych, przebrniętych, niedokończonych (a ja kupuję kolejne). Sterty kserówek, tysiące słów, zawiłych nazw i długich imion, filmów do zdobycia, obejrzenia, opuszczenia, obowiązków, nastęstw, zobowiązań, uprzejmości. Natłok, chaos w którym muszę się odnaleźć. Diamenty myśli, które nadają mi sens dalszego brnięcia przez góry cyrkonii (no, dalej, delektuj się tymi beznadziejnymi porównaniami). Piękno graniczące z brzydotą, dobroć mieszana ze złem.
A ja nadal nie wiem kim jestem.
I to ciągłe drążenie, poszukiwanie, kiedy wiem jedynie, że trzeba iść do przodu a nie grzęznąć na poprzeczkach.


Śmieję się do pani w tramwaju, która wbiega przez drzwi zadyszana i opowiada mi (mówi w moim kierunku) z pełną ekspresją w szeptanym głosie o przebiegu kolejnych linii tramwajowych Poznania oraz uwzniośla znaczenie żółtych kartek, które, (olaboga!) wiszą na przystankach. Uśmiecham się grzecznie, ale tak naprawdę grymas ten skierowany jest do mnie samej. Jedynym słowem jakie przerywa jej 15 minutowy monolog jest "do widzenia" gdy wysiadam. Wolałabym by pozostawiła mnie moim własnym myślom.
Taka właśnie jestem - wolę zagłębiać się w swoich rozmyślaniach, niż prowadzić konwersacje stricte towarzyskie z ludźmi. Dlaczego ostatnio tylu ludzi do mnie zagaduje? Nie przywykłam do tego. "Pani jest artystką" (-od siedmiu boleści) et cetera, a potem dziecko głaszcze mnie po nodze. Słodkie - uśmiecham się do niego, odwzajemnia się i wyciąga palec by dotknąć moich ust.

Potem mogę się jeszcze błąkać po sklepie zwanym spożywczym przez 15 minut i nagromadzić zdumiewającą ilość myśli oglądając znicze pogrzebowe, z kwiatami, które z chęcią przyłączę do wstążek pogrzebowych we włosach, ewentualnie z nudów zastosować "podryw na mleko", obejść każdy regał 5 razy i wyjść nic nie kupiwszy. Bo... nie wiem. Prostota. Lubię czasem prostotę. Nie wiem już o czym mówię. Wyrzucam z siebie po prostu zbiór chaotycznych myśli. Stop.

K### znów się zawiodłam i po prostu jestem zgorzkniała, najwyższy czas oszukać się muzyką. Przestań pisać, przestań pisać łosiu, znowu chcesz komuś zaimponować (zaimponuj sobie!)

]]> ~EdwardVanHelgen http://EdwardVanHelgen.deviantart.com/journal/14880801/ http://EdwardVanHelgen.deviantart.com/journal/14880801/ Tue, 02 Oct 2007 05:39:33 PDT Nie lubię ludzi i nie lubię szkoły, więc się tam w najbliższym czasie nie pojawiam.
I jest fajnie.
Bardzo fajnie.

Błądzę ulicami pełnymi kałuż, wącham zapachy unoszące się z ciasnych sklepów artystycznych. Farby, terpentyna, papier, skórzane paski. Gubię się między regałami z książkami a potem płaczę w deszczu. Przeklinam.

I jest fajnie.
A teraz zamilknę, bo znalazłam cząstkę swojego świata.

]]> ~EdwardVanHelgen http://EdwardVanHelgen.deviantart.com/journal/14772019/ http://EdwardVanHelgen.deviantart.com/journal/14772019/ Mon, 24 Sep 2007 12:34:25 PDT
I love people with passions!



If anybody would like to know what ŁYŻKOWIDELEC is all about, go here [link] to see my film.
Yeah, it is a bit of shit.



3000 visits. Ok.

Did you ever imagine how nice the moon would look like exploding into a thousand fireworks?



Heil!

]]> ~EdwardVanHelgen http://EdwardVanHelgen.deviantart.com/journal/14581821/ http://EdwardVanHelgen.deviantart.com/journal/14581821/ Mon, 10 Sep 2007 20:37:46 PDT o patrząc w sufit.Taka zwyczajna. Na szczęście ta perspektywa wydaje się, tu i teraz, strasznie odległa. Szkoła nie istnieje.
Najrzeczywistsza w tym momencie jest czarna kawa, wyrywająca mnie ze świata podstęnych majaczeń sennych, a zarazem ograniczająca frywolność podświadomości. Bez cukru.
Ubieram się w leginsy i za chwilę idę biegać.

Hm... próbuję właśnie pokonać swoją niechęć do zwierzania się przed światem. Enjoy. Za takie oto rzeczy biorę się gdy jestem rozkojarzona i udaje mi się wyłączyć na chwilę logikę myślenia.
Nie umiem wytłumaczyć swych zachowań, analizowanie i diagnoza nigdy nie były moją mocną stroną, ale mogę spróbować otworzyć się trochę szerzej przed wami. (wami? Przecież wy nie istniejecie). Może ktoś w zamian powie mi kim jestem?
Introwertyczką? Doprawdy.
Mam strasznie zmienne pragnienia. Najpierw szukam oparcia w ludziach, nastęnie gardzę towarzystwem.Bynajmniej! Nie wiem już nic.
Najpierw zaczęłam szukać zrozumienia, teraz rezygnuję.
Tyle słowem stęu. (Co ja chciałam powiedzieć?)

Odsłoniłam się (czemu nie oddelfiniłam?) dziś trochę przed matką, muszę przyznać, że zrozumiała moje słowa zaskakująco dobrze. Ucieszyło mnie to! Rozmowa zakończyła się tym, że subtelnie zapytała mnie, czy nie lepiej zupełnie zrezygnować. Subtelnie zapytała mnie, czy nie zmierzam popełnić samobójstwa.

Ach życie Wróg jest o tyle łatwiejszy do zniesienia, kiedy w każdym momencie można go zlekceważyć i się wyłączyć. Wczoraj, niestety podczas jednego z tych błogosławionych stanów nieważkości, doszło do bolesnej kolizji z rzeczywistością, w której moje ego poniosło druzgoczącą klęskę. Przeciwnik, ni stąd ni zowąd, postanowił ucieleśnić się pod postacią słupa drogowego i zadać mi bolesny cios w samo czoło. Ostentacyjna perfidia. Rzeczywistości gardzę Tobą.
Motylem jestem. Fruuuu!!!

don`t take me to seriously




MY FILMS

Now you can watch two of my films on youtube!
Just go to: [link]

I hope you like them. I intend to put another 3-5 ones on. Someday in the near-by future

]]> ~EdwardVanHelgen http://EdwardVanHelgen.deviantart.com/journal/14427727/ http://EdwardVanHelgen.deviantart.com/journal/14427727/ Fri, 31 Aug 2007 15:13:20 PDT
All these new photos have been taken during the last two weeks of a film workshop "One Take" in Łeba. Some of them I like more, some less, but still, I wish you just took a glimps at them.

I didn`t realy think much of the organisation of it, nor the stuff we did there. The last week I spent on planning dunno-what, reading Dostojewski, and just loosing time sleeping. No, I didn`t intend to make any good films, that just wasn`t the place nor people I would do that with. Still won the main prize (but that`s a different story, and I don`t realy want to introduce it to the mass).

This dev is for photos not words (these I stoped making some time ago) I wish that would change... a bit.


These hollidays were great! No time for being bored, or should I say LOST

]]> ~EdwardVanHelgen http://EdwardVanHelgen.deviantart.com/journal/14129507/ http://EdwardVanHelgen.deviantart.com/journal/14129507/ Sun, 12 Aug 2007 06:56:32 PDT
Oder... vielleicht Deutsch? Ich hasse Deutsch.
Sorry A!

Good bye Austria.

No, no es amor, lo que tu siente se llama un obsesion
una illusion en tu pensamiento, que te hace ser cosas asi
funciona el corazon.

I`m intolerant to people who don`t speak english? Or only to those, who try to use me to teach them? Or those who say they love me, after 4 days spent together? I hate.
Ich hasse.
The truth?
I hated being called a prince, princes, or even later a princesse. Fuckin` sweet words. I don`t deserve such naive shit.
But that episode is closed now. I just needed to admit it to the world.


And can you plough it with a sheep's horn
Parsley, sage, rosemary, and thyme.
And sow it all over with one peppercorn
Or never be a true lover of mine.


Rozum odmawia mi posłuszeństwa. Mieszanka myśli głębokich z płytkimi, nienawiści z miłością i rozdzierająca bezwładność. Nie spełniam się.
Drugi dzień w tym samym pokoju jest torturą, czuję jak chwyta mnie melancholia i bezradność.
Nie, nie będę wychodziła z żadną inicjatywą w stosunku do nikogo.
Wyjdę... Przed siebie, donikąd.
Do nikąd donikont do ni kąd.

I`m, yeah, now in this moment, fraction that I`m lonely, I`m so self indulgend.


I`m in love

Kto powiedział, że człowiek jest całe życie samotny?

]]> ~EdwardVanHelgen http://EdwardVanHelgen.deviantart.com/journal/13928826/ http://EdwardVanHelgen.deviantart.com/journal/13928826/ Sun, 29 Jul 2007 14:55:25 PDT A friend with weed is better,
A friend with breasts and all the rest,
A friend who's dressed in leather,

A friend in need is a friend indeed,
A friend who'll tease is better ,
Our thoughts compressed,
Which makes us blessed,
And makes for stormy weather,

A friend in need is a friend indeed,
My Japanese is better,
And when she's pressed she will undress,
And then she's boxing clever,

A friend in need is a friend indeed,
A friend who bleeds is better,
My friend confessed she passed the test,
And we will never sever,

Day's dawning, skins crawling
Pure morning,



A friend in need is a friend indeed,
A friend with weed is better,
A friend with breasts and all the rest,
A friend who's dressed in leather

]]> ~EdwardVanHelgen http://EdwardVanHelgen.deviantart.com/journal/13679586/ http://EdwardVanHelgen.deviantart.com/journal/13679586/ Tue, 10 Jul 2007 03:52:00 PDT I closed the windowsill and went back to sleep.
Greetings from UK!


I feel great, I feel free, no "must`s", no "have to`s", I just float. Everything just happens around me, I observe, I don`t try to interfere, I don`t care. I have my own-self.


The funns just going to begin!

]]> ~EdwardVanHelgen http://EdwardVanHelgen.deviantart.com/journal/13319170/ http://EdwardVanHelgen.deviantart.com/journal/13319170/ Tue, 12 Jun 2007 16:36:44 PDT
Hello music. First listen.

I did go to church finally, yes, me with all my rebellion and "I love satan" capsels.

In this town we call home, eveybody hail to the pumpkin son.

I WENT to church, from my free will, a caprice. First time in a year. Or two. I went to confession - last one 2,5 yrs ago. I am not religious. I don`t think so. I want a God for myself, and I don`t want a salvation, as a reward, nor from pity. I want to try how it would be to be a good person, withough this blackmail about heaven. I don`t want to prove myself worthy. Prove?!
I`m sort of a prodigal daughter, but I wonder. If I`d leave the Father, becouse I know he`ll forgive me once I come back, and then I do arive, and he knows I knew, Is he still supposed to forgive? Get the point? That`s what I hope for. I am a sinner. Oh, but I was born in sin. In love, but with sin.

I am the one hiding under your bed.

There`s one painting next to the altar I like to look at. It might sound stupid, I don`t cry often, but it takes only a glimpse of this image to make me weep. Why? Becouse He is hugging a child, like a friend, like a father. Like a loving father, like a mentor, a teacher. Someone I always longed for. Never really had a real tutor.
And the thing that anoyes me most is the fact that always when I seem to find someone who could teach me something, It turns to the same old thing. Is the world realy so fucked up?

So, I tryed the priest. I never thought I could cry so much, no, I don`t think it was the confession, but me realizing again how much I miss. He gave me a pack of tissues, and started his sermon. He must have thought, like the rest of ppl, I was going through a religious revival, enlightenment, whatever. All this sobbing and whining. He talked long, asked many questions (I do have a reason for not going to church - it`s not only my lazyness) I didn`t even have to say I regret all my sins (what sins? do I realy have sins?), or promise improvement, which is just as good, coz I don`t suspect I`ll be any better.
And he took my e-mail.

I don`t know why I`m writing this. Maybe becouse I was sitting on the bridge an hour ago, about midnight, staring blindly at passing by trucks, having thoughts and this bright idea of puting them on dev. But it seams my english isn`t good enough to portray my feelings. Pointless. I`ll regret this

*Add*



I want to leave, go, run away. I just don`t get attached, sorry.

]]> ~EdwardVanHelgen http://EdwardVanHelgen.deviantart.com/journal/13228908/ http://EdwardVanHelgen.deviantart.com/journal/13228908/ Tue, 05 Jun 2007 14:24:13 PDT kg lost since wither: 4
snails violantly murdered: 3
days left till unofficial end of school: 1
films shown in CK Zamek this monday at 6pm: 1


First I wanted to thank for their support. I dunno what type of shabby wreck would have become of me after the past two weeks if it wasn`t for them:*

I tryed to do a step forwards and loose some of my negative energy today. Do ya know what the urge of vengence can do to a person? I just don`t recognize myself lately.
I decided to begin my little `katharsis` with getting rid of the chaos from my nearby surroundings (eg. room). Then spent an hour playing, and, hail! MOTIVATION. I even went back to Rahmaninov, which I think is the hardes piece I`ve ever played. It helped. Can you imagine the Pahabel Canon played in forte fortissimo, filled with evaporating hatred? Noise, noise, dissonance, it made me explode. Smash the lid, jump away.
So I went for a run, it was getting dark, and hell, it`s terryfing to run in my wood after sunset. Maybe coz of all the stories I`ve heard as a kid, and all the panick about me walkin there even in day time. Hell, that was good. And hell, what a bright idea to use an insect repellant.
That really was a delightful feeling. When I finally got utterly exhausted I halted at a clearing, found an old tree trunk and just lay on it, looking at the sky above, adoring the last sun beams dissapear.




"Ja, kiedy usta ku twym ustom chylę,
nie samych zmysłów szukam upojenia,
ja chcę, by myśl ma omdlała na chwilę,
chcę czuć najwyższą rozkosz - zapomnienia..."

]]> ~EdwardVanHelgen http://EdwardVanHelgen.deviantart.com/journal/13191115/ http://EdwardVanHelgen.deviantart.com/journal/13191115/ Sat, 02 Jun 2007 15:25:01 PDT Ok The 1st player of this "game" starts with the topic "6 weird habits/things/hates about yourself" and people who get tagged MUST write a journal about their 6 weird habits/things/hates as well as state this rule clearly. In the end, you need to choose the next 6 people to be tagged and list their names. Don't forget to leave a comment that says "you are tagged" in their devpage comments and tell them to read yours.

Soł letz goł.


1)sometimes I spend hours lying on my floor, staring at the ceiling, and find the it amusing to just look at the fluorescetial starst stuck to the wood.

2)When you come to visit me withought warning me earlier, don`t be surprised if you have to ring the door bell for 20 minutes before I realize someone`s trying to get in. Same with the home phone - I never did and never will answer it. (I recomend the mobile)

3)Don`t rely on me! I can forget absolutely everything, importance is of no matter. It gets akward when I go to the kitchen, then back and forth, and keep forgetting what was the purpouse of me gettin outa bed.

4)I hate Coca-cola, Pepsi, most chemical drinks, tv, adverts and little emo boys from my street, becouse they call me a sathanist.

5)My life is chaos and disorder. Call it "artistic disarray" Sometimes I just feels good, becouse only then do I know exactly where to look for everything I need. eg. chewing gum - under bed, crayon - behind rubbish bin... etc

6)long and last. When presented to a new person, I don`t even try to remembering his/her name. I guess I`m to buisy sending stupid smiles.



Ok, and finally, you are tagged: (mwahaha)



]]> ~EdwardVanHelgen http://EdwardVanHelgen.deviantart.com/journal/13125866/ http://EdwardVanHelgen.deviantart.com/journal/13125866/ Mon, 28 May 2007 13:27:39 PDT
"that`s me. These are my most important moments of my life"
It has two other pages.

page 1.
I was driving in a school bus with my class when we had a collision with another car. I was in my second clas in school number 18.
4 kids wounded, 2 caretakers, and the driver

page 2. My communion!


I know I`m a witch reading his scapbook work for school, even worse writing it here, but it just makes me feel better when I know, that for somebody a bus accident and first comunion can be the most important moments in life.





Kurwa! <- that`s all I feel like writing.
Kurwa


I`m sorry, fuckin bad days happen!

]]> ~EdwardVanHelgen http://EdwardVanHelgen.deviantart.com/journal/13077087/ http://EdwardVanHelgen.deviantart.com/journal/13077087/ Thu, 24 May 2007 14:24:40 PDT I feel as If I had a big, leather shoe treading my sole to the ground. Ugh. Naive, naive, naive.
Bastard.

]]> ~EdwardVanHelgen http://EdwardVanHelgen.deviantart.com/journal/13062839/ http://EdwardVanHelgen.deviantart.com/journal/13062839/ Wed, 23 May 2007 12:32:07 PDT
Only once has it felt worse. Twice.

I`m naive.

]]> ~EdwardVanHelgen http://EdwardVanHelgen.deviantart.com/journal/12879323/ http://EdwardVanHelgen.deviantart.com/journal/12879323/ Mon, 07 May 2007 17:41:01 PDT How I wish I could just lie down and fall asleep, just, how I wish... But it`s back now.



Fie, fie, fond love, thou art as full of fear
As one with treasure laden hemm`d with thieves;
Trifles, unwitnessed with eye or ear,
Thy coward heart with false bethinking grieves.
Even at this word she hears a merry horn,.
Whereat she leaps that was but late forlorn.





I`m so in love with Shakespeare. I`ll just lie down and read till my thoughts are deafened. I`m so tired.


Aaaa!!! *screams into the silent night*

]]> ~EdwardVanHelgen http://EdwardVanHelgen.deviantart.com/journal/12752692/ http://EdwardVanHelgen.deviantart.com/journal/12752692/ Fri, 27 Apr 2007 09:15:12 PDT That inward beaty and invisible;
Or were I deaf, thy outward parts would move
Each part in me that were but sensible:
Though neiter eyes nor ears, to hear nor see,
Yet should I be in love by touching thee.

Say, that the sense of feeling were bereft me,
And that I could not see, nor hear, nor touch,
And nothing but the very smell were left me,
For from the stillitory of thy face excelling
Comes breath perfum`d, that breedeth love by smelling.

]]> ~EdwardVanHelgen http://EdwardVanHelgen.deviantart.com/journal/12568687/ http://EdwardVanHelgen.deviantart.com/journal/12568687/ Thu, 12 Apr 2007 15:19:20 PDT Accualy a day ago I read my journal (had it since the age of 11, doof), funny how I hated myself since such a young age. Oh, and I`ve been on a diet for 5 yrs now! I like the note on 30.12.04 : "Yeah, time for a change! I`ll never be who I was again!", then on 6.01.05 "I had my mind wiped-out, amnesia, feelin` as if on drugs, yeah!".
A diary full of ambitions, hopes, feelings, claims, rubbish. But I did change, for the better, I believe. I hope... I wish?
Life sucks. I think I learnt that at least, so now I don`t care. Euphorical dullness - that`s it.
"So go on asking youself
where is my mind"
Nah, It`s listening to all the dorky Pixies lyrics that make me crazy. These guys were geniuses to have written something like this!

Um, time to go to sleep. Tomorrows gonna be a bad day at school, wish me luck (2 packets of tissues packed).
But... always look at the bla bla bla, etc, I`m taking the camera with me

]]> ~EdwardVanHelgen http://EdwardVanHelgen.deviantart.com/journal/12519860/ http://EdwardVanHelgen.deviantart.com/journal/12519860/ Mon, 09 Apr 2007 04:46:26 PDT My one is going free next week, I believe animals shouldn`t live in cages. Especially not all the time.

And I`m looking for a model to draw...

]]> ~EdwardVanHelgen http://EdwardVanHelgen.deviantart.com/journal/12400032/ http://EdwardVanHelgen.deviantart.com/journal/12400032/ Sat, 31 Mar 2007 09:35:39 PDT I thought about yesterday, which was a special day for someone somewhere.
It`s so illogical, why must I suffer like this? I didn`t even have the oportunity to send wishes... And after a week of trying to forget (without a minor result) I`m still lost in the middle of a black forest full of hopes, thoughts, imaginations.
Had a nice drink of red wine about 1 o`clock
I think I might have slept a bit, till 5:40
Missed the piano lesson. Awww...

Don`t you ever do something you think you like, your supposed to like, you work very hard forward..., and then, do it so as not to spoil all?
I thought I wanted. I just sat on the bus stop, waiting 15 for the gooddamn maschine, when it struck me.
I don`t want to go there.
Not alone. Again.

If the bus had come 2 minutes earlier, the events would have taken such a different turn! It`s the thinking. Sometimes you just get this moment of "sight" and it`s genuine. I may have wanted to go, but after losing my good humour... no! And I don`t care about how much it cost me to get there on time! I`m glad I junked the idea.

It took me a second. I knew I was not going to take this bus. Phoning a friend. Yes, she will.

I took some good photographs, bought a pair of sunny dandelions, smiled to the beggar, had a discussion with a 80 year old soldier, danced around giving an eye at bored people, found a present, hugged friends I haven`t seen for a long time, collected money for pancakes, while friends were fighting in their armour, and badly rewinded the film in the RLS... I`m happy, even if the day started badly, I`m glad. I`m sad.
I just wish I didn`t think so much.

And another person has forgotten about me, in the mountains, yeah, lucky. But who`ll help me?

Now I`m going to stop writing.
*stoppes*

]]> ~EdwardVanHelgen http://EdwardVanHelgen.deviantart.com/journal/12080943/ http://EdwardVanHelgen.deviantart.com/journal/12080943/ Tue, 06 Mar 2007 13:22:24 PST # 114 Deviant Comments
# 1,1(7)4 Pageviews

Yay! Don`t ask why this makes me happy. It doesn`t.

]]> ~EdwardVanHelgen http://EdwardVanHelgen.deviantart.com/journal/11897887/ http://EdwardVanHelgen.deviantart.com/journal/11897887/ Tue, 20 Feb 2007 16:49:00 PST I`m still alive *sigh*. What`s the point in it.
It`s not that weather, nor did something baaad happen to this little ("sweet") girl in front of the screen *see me? there?* I just dunno.

I`m totaly lost in everything I`m doing. It might seem it has sense, learning new skills - dancing, drawing, etc. but is it really useful? Does trying matter when nobody cares?

*Shut up you bore!*

Ok. (with Funeral March still on). I`m drawing a lot, I try to believe that the stuff I create is good enough for my first year. (See to scraps. Really that bad?) Is it worth going on...
And I believe to have found a teacher!!! Why is it so special? Becouse he`ll teach me something I WANT to learn. (My attitude to most stuff woul be "what`s the fuckin purpouse anyway") Is it that it`s my first real teacher?

Just never mind this, I`m leaving back to my dreams, sweet, tiny, humble dreams...

]]> ~EdwardVanHelgen http://EdwardVanHelgen.deviantart.com/journal/11897885/ http://EdwardVanHelgen.deviantart.com/journal/11897885/ Tue, 20 Feb 2007 16:48:55 PST I`m still alive *sigh*. What`s the point in it.
It`s not that weather, nor did something baaad happen to this little ("sweet") girl in front of the screen *see me? there?* I just dunno.

I`m totaly lost in everything I`m doing. It might seem it has sense, learning new skills - dancing, drawing, etc. but is it really useful? Does trying matter when nobody cares?

*Shut up you bore!*

Ok. (with Funeral March still on). I`m drawing a lot, I try to believe that the stuff I create is good enough for my first year. (See to scraps. Really that bad?) Is it worth going on...
And I believe to have found a teacher!!! Why is it so special? Becouse he`ll teach me something I WANT to learn. (My attitude to most stuff woul be "what`s the fuckin purpouse anyway") Is it that it`s my first real teacher?

Just never mind this, I`m leaving back to my dreams, sweet, tiny, humble dreams...

]]> ~EdwardVanHelgen http://EdwardVanHelgen.deviantart.com/journal/11648578/ http://EdwardVanHelgen.deviantart.com/journal/11648578/ Thu, 01 Feb 2007 14:25:52 PST I hate my birthday, just as I hate my nameday and early christmas. Maybe coz I wait so long for this date, and then... nothing happens, and I know it will be soon (to soon?) over, bringing no change to the routine (as if I expected the world to fall at my feet when I turne 17).
But this black mood also brings motivation, that I hope, maybe, will let me prospere in an more aware and gratifying way...
Anyway... ah, forget it

]]> ~EdwardVanHelgen http://EdwardVanHelgen.deviantart.com/journal/11329996/ http://EdwardVanHelgen.deviantart.com/journal/11329996/ Fri, 05 Jan 2007 20:52:36 PST Yeah! So I`m free to download all the music my deranged imagination would wish for! Mwahahahaaa! *lunatic gurgle*

Gosh, gt get up in 3 hours for my piano lesson. Been practising a lot lately, mostly on preludes (is that the word?) by Rahmaninow and Chopin, but also Depeche Mode "Enjoy the silence", etc. Sometimes I get stuck for 2 h just playing all the pieces i remember *sigh*

And I forgot my mothers birthday is today, so `ve got no creative present. Flowers are so boring. Why must I always forget such things! I hate myself so much for this.

And what else can I write in this state of mind... I think I`m slowly loosing my inspiration coz of having to get up at 6 am every day to go to school! And maybe of ppl ingnoring me. But *gasp* it`s the last week before the winter break. Thank God! And I`m going snowboarding in the Alps! Yeah, yeah, yeah, goodbye cruel Poznań! Freedom awaits! Hah!

Oh, and I would just like to take advantige on the situation, to announce that I`ve made my first film!!! (with Vilandras help of course:* ) It`s boring but I still luv it! I`m convinced You`d love it just the same! *humble director*

5:50
Damn, I`m going to sleep.

]]> ~EdwardVanHelgen http://EdwardVanHelgen.deviantart.com/journal/11016404/ http://EdwardVanHelgen.deviantart.com/journal/11016404/ Sun, 10 Dec 2006 11:25:17 PST Try this trick and spin it, yeah
Your head will collapse
If there's nothing in it
And you'll ask yourself

Where is my mind

]]> ~EdwardVanHelgen http://EdwardVanHelgen.deviantart.com/journal/10836233/ http://EdwardVanHelgen.deviantart.com/journal/10836233/ Fri, 24 Nov 2006 15:46:30 PST Przedawkowani ludzie, szare tłumy przeklinające w tramwaju. Dredy, paski, swetry, podkłady i sąsiad w dresie.
Zrozumiałam, że za bardzo pragnęłam kontaktu... a może czegoś jeszcze.
Już mi nie zależy. Obojętność jest zbawienna.
Życie stało się muzyką

W końcu wypadłam z tej jesiennej monotonni. Inspiracja! Jakieś naoliwione śrubki w moim umyśle powoli zaczynają się obracać, jeszcze trochę zgrzytają. No, ale przynajmniej wydaje mi się, że będzie dobrze.

]]> ~EdwardVanHelgen http://EdwardVanHelgen.deviantart.com/journal/10623397/ http://EdwardVanHelgen.deviantart.com/journal/10623397/ Sun, 05 Nov 2006 09:52:14 PST
]]> ~EdwardVanHelgen http://EdwardVanHelgen.deviantart.com/journal/10359126/ http://EdwardVanHelgen.deviantart.com/journal/10359126/ Wed, 11 Oct 2006 14:14:20 PDT
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