http://search.deviantart.com/?q=by:ElderSilverclaw&section=today deviantART RSS for by:ElderSilverclaw en-us Copyright 2009, deviantART.com Wed, 02 Dec 2009 20:16:51 PST deviantART.com http://blogs.law.harvard.edu/tech/rss http://s.deviantart.com/minish/widgets/apple-touch-icon-precomposed.png http://ElderSilverclaw.deviantart.com/journal/27378503/ http://ElderSilverclaw.deviantart.com/journal/27378503/ Wed, 23 Sep 2009 16:23:28 PDT lol
Well. I think its funny.

This is my day.

Before school: woke up at six thirty instead of seven from a guilty conscience because I still hadn't finished all my packet questions from U.S. history. Bad me. I did my questions and pigtailed my hair. I want to see inglorious bastards again. Funny movie. Very violent.

At School: on campus and talking to people who are being super nice to me so they can copy my homework. I fumblefucked my way through half of it anyways so I'm going to laugh if they actually study it for the test. I study right out of the packet. Its easier since I have trouble reading my own hand writing.
Perhaps thats something to work on.
Oh. Speaking of working on things. I'm not cracking my knuckles anymore. I'm done. Really, really done this time. I need my knuckles because I play piano.

Classes:

US History. Finished a cheezey movie. Like, the whole thing was pure cheeze but it had an ending that everyone could pee their pants laughing at so it wasn't bad. Third block messed up so we get the pizza party which makes me happy because I love free pizza.

Geometry:
I put all my effort into understanding Sine, Cosine and Tangent today. I think I got it at least half way but I can't find my calculator and I saw it naught but two days ago. This vexes me some that I have let my room get to such a state that I can't find anything again. I feel it is almost time to clean it again. Also, I'm getting rid of my bed. I have a couch thats a quarter of it's size and its twice as comfortable. Takes up much less space. Who needs a bed anyways.

Wow. I managed to stray from geometry to chesterfields in less than a paragraph. Nice.

Weight training:
I may possibly shoot the girl who can't do ten jumping jacks the right way. Because of her we ended up doing a total of 230 push ups today and my arms hurt as I type this. Then we ran and went in. It was a half day so we got out at 12:25 and didn't have time for weight lifting. Though, if I am not mistaken, I am in WEIGHT TRAINING. Life's a bitch.

Painting 2: I need to finish my painting. I do still do artwork, btw, it is usually just way to big to even try to scan onto my computer. I'm working from a canvas that is half as tall as I am and twice as wide. Medium: oil/acrylic. Majority: Oils.

After school. Walked half way home, got picked up for second half. Ground was hot, I need to start walking shoeless again more often.
(she just realized that I have her pepsi!) lmao
Got home, Kelly was with me. I was totally exhausted and fell asleep on the sofa. Anya called me at 2:39 pm to ask for help with geometry. I actually was able to help for once because I worked my ass off to learn it right today. Go me. Happy unbirthday.
I'm wondering, does my super sarcastic tone show through my writing or do you actually think I'm in a happy-go-lucky mood? Oh yeah. Totally happy-go-lucky.
K, back to my day.
Kelly just left. I miss my boyfriend. My father just put an unusually large amount of snot into his hair.
Never mind. Its alivera. It just looks like an unusually large amount of snot.
Gross.

I'm eating a fortune cookie.
Fortune: "Be willing to admit that you may be wrong, you're only human."
Actually, it said "your only human" and the grammar mistake is pissing me off.
Tonight is the meet the blackbelts class. I get to meet the new future blackbelts. I need to run through my techniques before I go to refresh my memory even though I don't think I forgot anything since last December. I may be wrong though.
haha. Fortune cookie.

Current events:
Dad's watching Glenn Beck.
I'm here.
Hannah's playing WOW.
Mom's talkin' to aunt Mary Lu.
Yes. I actually have an aunt Mary Lu.

Random thoughts of the day:
I need to shave my legs.
I gotta pee.
I don't know what I'm listening to right now but I don't like it.
Okay thats better.
My foot itches. Ew. It stinks. I need to shower.
That kid that sits next to me in geometry had a fat bogey in his nose today.


Questions:
Am I the only person who brushes my teeth while I'm in the shower?
How's your life going?
Seriously, if you actually read this, tell me how your life is going. I want to know.
And seriously, if you brush your teeth while your in the sho... ]]> ~ElderSilverclaw http://ElderSilverclaw.deviantart.com/journal/26608885/ http://ElderSilverclaw.deviantart.com/journal/26608885/ Sat, 15 Aug 2009 12:29:20 PDT [x] You love hoodies.
[x] You love jeans.
[] Dogs are better than cats.
[x] It's hilarious when people get hurt
[x] You've played with/against boys on a team.
[x] Shopping is torture. (unless I'm at a convention)
[x] Sad movies suck.
[ ] You own an X-Box.
[x] Played with Hotwheels cars as a kid. (heck yes)
[x] At some point in time you wanted to be a firefighter.
[x] You own a DS, PS2 or Sega.
[] You used to be obsessed with Power Rangers.
[x] You watch sports on TV
[x] Gory movies are cool.
[ ] You go to your dad for advice.
[ ] You own like a trillion baseball caps.
[ ] You like going to football games.
[ ] You used to/do collect baseball cards.
[x] Baggy pants are cool to wear.
[x] It's kinda weird to have sleepovers with a bunch of people. (Yeah, just a little...)
[x] Green, black, red, blue, or silver are one of your favorite colors.
[x] You love to go crazy and not care what people think. (it can be fun can't it )
[x] Sports are fun.
[x] Talk with food in your mouth. (who has the time to pause?)
[x] Wear boxers. (So comfy.)

18 and proud of it.


Your Girl Side
[ ] You wear lip gloss.
[ ] You love to shop.
[ ] You wear eyeliner
[ ] You have some of the same shirts in different colors. (guys shirts yes)
[ ] You wear the color pink.
[x] Go to your mom for advice. (she's the only one here practically)
[ ] You consider cheerleading a sport. (hell no)
[ ] You hate wearing the color black.
[ ] You like hanging out at the mall.
[ ] You like getting manicures and/or pedicures.
[ ] You like wearing jewelry. (not often)
[ ] Skirts are a big part of your wardrobe. (I have one skirt XD)
[ ] Shopping is one of your favorite hobbies.
[ ] You don't like the movie Star Wars.
[ ] You are/were in cheerleading, gymnastics or dance.
[ ] It takes you around 1 hour to shower, get dressed, and put on make-up and accessories. (never, and I don't wear makeup)
[x] You smile a lot more than you should. (when I'm alone)
[x] You have more than 10 pairs of shoes. (My mom loves to buy me shoes even though I never wear them..)
[ ] You care about what you look like.
[ ] You like wearing dresses when you can.
[ ] You like wearing body spray/perfume/cologne.
[ ] You wear girl underwear. (mostly no underwear at all)
[x] Used to play with dolls as little kid. (if you count ripping the heads off barbies, then yes)
[ ] Like putting make-up on someone else for the joy of it. (I put lipstick on my cousin Kevin when he was sleeping, does that count?)
[x] Like taking pictures of yourself with your cell phone/camera when you're bored.


5. Woot.

]]> ~ElderSilverclaw http://ElderSilverclaw.deviantart.com/journal/26056924/ http://ElderSilverclaw.deviantart.com/journal/26056924/ Mon, 20 Jul 2009 01:47:08 PDT on my couch​ and at like 1 AM I heard​ this buzzi​ng sound​ and then my TV blink​ed a few times and the sound​ came on and then the pictu​re and it showe​d some weird​ guy talki​ng.​
It takes​ one remote to turn the sound​ on, one to get a pictu​re up and one to put the pictu​re on the right​ setti​ng to watch​ it so idk how the hell that happe​ned but it sure freak​ed me out. I thoug​ht at first​ that I rolle​d over on all the remotes and happened to hit the right buttons in my sleep, but they are all on the littl​e table​ next to where​ I'm sleep​ing.​ I'm like super​ awake​ and creep​ed out now.​.​.​
I think the thing is pissed at me for never watching it so thats why it did that. maybe. or its a phantom TV. Or both. Or someone really likes to screw with my head.
Has your TV every one anything like that before??? Because if so, I really want to know so I don't feel so creeped out...

]]> ~ElderSilverclaw http://ElderSilverclaw.deviantart.com/journal/25896156/ http://ElderSilverclaw.deviantart.com/journal/25896156/ Sun, 12 Jul 2009 09:52:35 PDT This Friday I went to the funeral.
Then that night my other Auntie died.
Next Friday there will be another funeral.
Is someone going to die? I don't have any aunties left so idk...
Does anyone but me find that weird?

]]> ~ElderSilverclaw http://ElderSilverclaw.deviantart.com/journal/25670287/ http://ElderSilverclaw.deviantart.com/journal/25670287/ Wed, 01 Jul 2009 10:10:37 PDT and I tried being nice about it and asking him, again and again, I say
"Please just take down the pictures." and he says "O, did I strike a nerve?"
Then I got pissed, hacked his myspace and took them off myself. Well he just put the pics right back up and I COULD hack it again and delete it but I'm not that mean so I let it go. Then he got all pissed and said "Say your sorry." I said no because I have nothing to be sorry for, he was the one who was refusing to take them down, also I did no damage to his myspace, didn't read his mail or change anything except those pics.
and he says "Do you want me to make you sorry?" and I said how? He doesn't want to tell me but I don't believe in "or else" so finally he replies "I would find a way onto your myspace and Deviantart, then I would make all your and my friends hate you, I would hack your lap top and make it unusable, then I would get to Jordan, I can't tell you more for obvious reasons, I would also come up with other things along the way."
So I told him that if he did any of that I would file a police report and that his text saying all that would be perfect, undeniable proof it was him.
So he didn't.
Eventually I argued with him and he took down the pictures.
That's all I wanted. I was very polite and nice about it in the beginning, but asking him nicely wasn't working. I told him in these exact words just why I wanted them down. "I am dating someone right now and it makes me uncomfortable knowing that those pics of us are still up, no offence, but would you please take them down?"
Ask, Tell, Make. Thats my motto. Be polite and ask a few times first, when that doesn't work, tell them point blank, when that doesn't work, make them. It's the only way.

]]> ~ElderSilverclaw http://ElderSilverclaw.deviantart.com/journal/25642931/ http://ElderSilverclaw.deviantart.com/journal/25642931/ Tue, 30 Jun 2009 02:41:54 PDT ~
Exactly at 1:21 AM some loose psycho ho bag bitch called me and said "okay, so since you have such problems getting a boyfriend I set you up on a date with bobby dickson to go see transformers tomorrow, I already called him" and then I inturupted told her I'm taken and I dont have any intrest in bobby and she said
"No, I think you like bobby and you are going to go on a date with him"
I told her to go fuck herself basically then hung up.
and I know the voice. I have heard it before but I have no clue who it is. They super pronounced the O on hello when I answered. she had a high voice, kinda snotty vally girl accent and she knows who I am and knows that I have a bf and doesn't want me dating him.
I am fucking so pissed right now. She is number one on my hitlist right now and Im going to find out who it is. Do you know anyone who would do this?
I KNOW HER VOICE!!! I just can't think of who it is! I guess it's not someone I know WELL, but I totally know it.
Seriously...
~
IF YOU KNOW ANYTHING THAT LEADS TO ME FINDING OUT WHO THIS IS I WILL PERSONALLY GIVE YOU $20.
30 IF IT IS A DIRECT NAME AND/OR PHONE NUMBER WHICH TURNS OUT TO BE CORRECT.

]]> ~ElderSilverclaw http://ElderSilverclaw.deviantart.com/journal/25572413/ http://ElderSilverclaw.deviantart.com/journal/25572413/ Fri, 26 Jun 2009 17:27:21 PDT And it's so true. They are the most genuine, honorable, dependable people I have ever known. Conrad is a better friend and mentor than anyone could have asked for and I have more respect for him than anyone in the world. I can't imagine what kind of fear driven hell hole my life would be right now without him.
Right now I'm tired and waiting for Jordan to come home, though I know the probability that I'm going to see him tonight is low, since he will probably we completely zonked from the 14 hour plane ride. I most likely will have to wait until tomorrow.
Today was good. I feel happy and accomplished.

]]> ~ElderSilverclaw http://ElderSilverclaw.deviantart.com/journal/25280013/ http://ElderSilverclaw.deviantart.com/journal/25280013/ Fri, 12 Jun 2009 19:49:44 PDT I wish I could just talk to you, just hear your voice...

]]> ~ElderSilverclaw http://ElderSilverclaw.deviantart.com/journal/25279717/ http://ElderSilverclaw.deviantart.com/journal/25279717/ Fri, 12 Jun 2009 19:30:24 PDT ARGH.
This is killing me!! I just want to lay down and die for the next three weeks and then rez again...
Oy. Just SHOOT me! I'm so bored! I have been as creative as possible for the last three days but it seems like it has been three months!!! God, I think school weeks went by faster than this!!
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhhh.
SHOOOOOOOOTTTTTTTT MMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!

]]> ~ElderSilverclaw http://ElderSilverclaw.deviantart.com/journal/24983122/ http://ElderSilverclaw.deviantart.com/journal/24983122/ Wed, 27 May 2009 16:25:25 PDT and I'm that one girl who hangs out with her.
I actually have had people go "Oh, wait, aren't you that one chick that hangs out with her" more than once. Thats how I'm known if they even remember I was there. Girls and guys alike. She has so many friends if you say her name people go "Oh I know her! She's awesome!" (which she is, she's my best friend) What is it about me that people are not interested in that I don't have? I am just befuddled...

]]> ~ElderSilverclaw http://ElderSilverclaw.deviantart.com/journal/24982859/ http://ElderSilverclaw.deviantart.com/journal/24982859/ Wed, 27 May 2009 16:10:50 PDT
You ask your questions but always know the answers, you just want to see what I have to say. I know you already know, so why do I always answer you? I barely even know you even though you're right next door. I see you every day in my classes and you act so different from when its just us walking home. You are sometimes so nice and sometimes so rude, sometimes to talk back and sometimes you ignore me. You say one thing because that is how you wanna be but I know you don't really act that way.
You are confusing. I never get a strait answer and it bugs me to no end. I hate not being able to predict or expect anything. I once told you I liked your jacket and the instant response was "No you don't."
Who says that?!?! That is one way to dismiss a complement lol

(not about you David lol)

]]> ~ElderSilverclaw http://ElderSilverclaw.deviantart.com/journal/24894512/ http://ElderSilverclaw.deviantart.com/journal/24894512/ Fri, 22 May 2009 17:18:44 PDT What do I say when there’s nothing I can say without you turning it around on me like you always have to do,
What do I ask when I can’t expect an answer that is possibly within a fare amount of reason,
I don’t know how to say even the little things without you forcing me to give you explanation,
What do I do about you,
I wish I could read your mind,
Find out the ruse and truth,
Get what I want to find,

What do I get when I ask a simple question but the shortest answer you can reply,
And what do I get why I try to complement you but a blunt rejection and a wink of an eye,
What am I doing wrong,
How do I make you notice,
I don’t know I didn’t like you all along,
I don’t know if you don’t know this,

How do I figure you out without asking questions I know you wont answer anyways,
How do talk and look you in the eyes without trying to avoid your ever mocking gaze,
Where do I go from here,
What is it that I do,
But want and wonder near,
Always find my away to be around you,

]]> ~ElderSilverclaw http://ElderSilverclaw.deviantart.com/journal/24829083/ http://ElderSilverclaw.deviantart.com/journal/24829083/ Mon, 18 May 2009 19:18:23 PDT Why do I feel like she still lingers?
She lingers in his thoughts, that old bastard. When she came into the picture I was forgotten, my sister was forgotten, my mother was forgotten. He forgot us all and let us suffer while he pampered and cared for her every whim. I could hear them up talking, keeping me from sleep late on school nights. They played music together, drank and sang, watched movies and talked on the phone for hours when she wasn't there.
Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday I would have to put up with her, listening to the oil and lies spill from her mouth and into his ears. He took them happily, refusing to believe that she deceived him. He pitied her endlessly, gave her his heart.
We were left in the shadows to watch. Every day, for six months.
He would sulk when she left, and be cheery when she was there, he would take her on walks, bike rides, to the movies, but her things. Make her breakfast, lunch, dinner, even a cake once when she asked for it. I hated her.
She knew how I felt. She knew that she hurt me by being there. I had tried to talk to her about it on a number of occasions but she tattled to dad and he just got angry with me. He took her side again and again. She wouldn't go away. I tried to ask them to limit it a bit, to cut down, but they wouldn't. After this I did not speak to her, I did not look at her, she had replaced me, all I wanted was my dad back. I wanted him to talk to me again. If she and I came in the door from school at the same time a cheery cry would ring out "Hey! How was your day? What do you want for lunch?"
that was said to her, not me. Not his own daughter. To me he said nothing. He had never done anything like that for me.
You dad should be someone who you look up to, can talk to, respect, and someone who is there for you and will protect you. He didn't care. He didn't even want me. I was born after my mom got him drunk. He wouldn't speak to her for over a year after I was born. He would have nothing to do with me. We fought, yeah, and he usually won. There was no winning with him. If you cried he told you to not get upset, if you remained emotionless he would yell about how you didn't care.
I did care.
Now I don't.
I hate the old bastard. I hate him for everything he has put my family through.
In the end we put a stop to her coming over, but she still called and they would leave all damn day on the weekends to hang out while we were left alone again. He sulked when he was not with her. Mom said that he needed to cut off from her completely since he was still ignoring and hurting us. He cared more about her than his family and showed it again and again.
Then it went to secret calls and secret hanging out. I knew mom wouldn't stand for that and it would be the final straw if she found out, so I went to HER. I found her at school and walked up and told her that if she ever called my dad again, if she ever picked up another of his calls, if I ever found out they were hanging out again, that I would brutally and mercilessly kick her scrawny ass into the concrete.
This time she listened. I have not seen nor heard from her since. My sources say she has "decided that we are a dysfunctional family and that she does not want to interfere with anything that might cause trouble"
Mean, I scared her enough that she is going to back off.
When dad found out he was furious. He still is. He misses her, I see her on his mind all day. I can always tell. I know the look so well...
I hate her, and I hate him. They can both just go die as far as I am concerned.
I used to like my dad, I would tell me friends how cool he was and how nice he was. Now my friends ask about my family and I have nothing but cruel, harsh words to say of him...

]]> ~ElderSilverclaw http://ElderSilverclaw.deviantart.com/journal/24783903/ http://ElderSilverclaw.deviantart.com/journal/24783903/ Sat, 16 May 2009 09:20:18 PDT So I wake up and its like 7:30 and go into the kitchen. I am in my underwear and a short blue halter top and I see there is no milk in the fridge. I did find a chicken wing though and started mowing down on it.
I go out to the garage and look in the fridge out there and grab a new jug of milk and go to walk inside. In one hand the milk, in my mouth the chicken wing, and I am also in my underwear with the vacant "I just woke up." expression on my face and mom is standing there waiting for me with a camera and as soon as I walk in and see her she takes a picture. It's horrible!
Only my mom would do this to me. I look like an idiot modern day caveman.
Just felt like sharing that with you all. Hope it made you smile.
.
.
.
Also I have just acquired a moody snapping turtle and I am calling him Tortuga after one of my favorites on DA.
He is very cute and he hisses and tried to eat my pant leg which is cute and he kicks and claws but I love him!!!
YAY FOR TURTLES!!!

]]> ~ElderSilverclaw http://ElderSilverclaw.deviantart.com/journal/24647127/ http://ElderSilverclaw.deviantart.com/journal/24647127/ Fri, 08 May 2009 06:41:47 PDT I'm just going to get bitched out if I talk to you about my life, so you keep talking about yours and let ME bash on everything YOU do for a bit and see how you like it!
Goodnight!
~
P.S.
David, this is not about you, don't worry.

]]> ~ElderSilverclaw http://ElderSilverclaw.deviantart.com/journal/24556477/ http://ElderSilverclaw.deviantart.com/journal/24556477/ Sat, 02 May 2009 22:12:40 PDT It's not working out so well.
I caught a roach.
So this cockroach had been in my jar for hours.
It looks very dead.
So I took the damn thing out. Shoved the pin in it, and put it in the box.
In the middle of the night I hear this scritchy scratchy noise and turn on the light and the stupid cockroach is trying to crawl away while it's got the pin shoved through it!
I freaking poisoned and impaled it then poisoned it AGAIN and it's still at the bottom of the jar with the pin shoved through it and its wiggling and trying to escape!
wtf kind of creature can be poisoned twice, impaled, and it still lives!!!
I think I will name is Rasputin.
The poison was strong enough to kill a huge moth and a huge beetle in ten minutes but it wont kill the damn roach after a whole day and impalement?!
Dude this bug is weird... I cant even squish it...
It needs to DIE.
Anyone know how to kill a roach??
It's still trying to crawl off the pin.
If you have any ideas let me know please. Apparently I can't turn it in if it's still alive. . .
~Jess

]]> ~ElderSilverclaw http://ElderSilverclaw.deviantart.com/journal/24493288/ http://ElderSilverclaw.deviantart.com/journal/24493288/ Wed, 29 Apr 2009 08:09:46 PDT Oh, Stephani too, but I never hang out with her... Meh. I lost her phone number.
Reminder. Ask for phone number for like the fifth time... Don't lose again. Call when bored.
I don't want to go to school and get talked at for hours and then go home. At least in weight training I can work on my goals. The other classes just freaking suck.
I just don't consider allot of people my friends. I consider them people I talk to at school because they are there and I might as well. It doesn't make them friends. I miss my best friend, since she doesn't go to school with me anymore. I never see her. I miss my other best friend who is also homeschooled and doesn't ever have time to hang out with me. We just talk on the phone.
I am also having some upsetting issues with someone I thought was my friend. I'm not so sure now.
Meh. I'll deal with that later.
Off to school.

]]> ~ElderSilverclaw http://ElderSilverclaw.deviantart.com/journal/24303887/ http://ElderSilverclaw.deviantart.com/journal/24303887/ Sat, 18 Apr 2009 08:07:56 PDT My llama died.
We had to go back to our old classes. I got repeatedly insulted by various people and a teacher. I hated it. Maybe I'm just being stupid. Probably. I'm feeling kind of depressed of late. Things at my house are all screwed up and it's making things harder.
I was up until three in the morning working on my book. I have over fifty pages revised well and half edited. I still need to go over the same fifty odd pages a few more times to get all the grammar and punctuation mistakes. I decided I didn't want a certain character anymore so I killed her off. It took me a good hour or so to get the level of sheer brutality into the chapter that I really wanted.
She wasn't a very good character and I didn't use her much and I don't think anyone will really care that she is dead. I just put that part in for the shock value in the death.
Okay. Back to real life.
I need to perk up. I'll go have some coffee and take a run around the neighborhood a few times. That will cheer me up.
I think. Urgh.
~Jess

]]> ~ElderSilverclaw http://ElderSilverclaw.deviantart.com/journal/24278531/ http://ElderSilverclaw.deviantart.com/journal/24278531/ Thu, 16 Apr 2009 17:34:57 PDT It didn't go well.
It got everywhere. I don't really even know what it was I was trying to make! But it sure as hell made a mess EVERYWHERE.
I cleaned it up before dad got home.

It was not very tasty,
It did not look to good,
It was kind of gray and pasty,
I ate more of it than I should,
I knew I'd feel sick later,
But I let nothing go to waste,
so I gobbled up that monstrosity,
Though it had an awful taste.

Haha, I think I'll post that as a deviation.
I'm kind of sick and out of it right now so don't mind my weirdOness.
I wish I had a Troll.
Then I wouldn't need to eat my horrible concoctions myself, I could just feed them to the Troll.
Peace out,
~J

]]> ~ElderSilverclaw http://ElderSilverclaw.deviantart.com/journal/24174550/ http://ElderSilverclaw.deviantart.com/journal/24174550/ Fri, 10 Apr 2009 23:56:27 PDT My heel landed full force on a root.
My foot is a swollen, purple, bruised mess.
I think I really hurt myself.
I can't touch it.
I'm on crutches...
So what did I do?
I climbed my tree again.
This time I did not land on a root.
I am icing my foot as of now.
It's being a painful little bitch cake.
It hurts.
I need to quit hurting myself this vacation, I swear.

]]> ~ElderSilverclaw http://ElderSilverclaw.deviantart.com/journal/24148689/ http://ElderSilverclaw.deviantart.com/journal/24148689/ Thu, 09 Apr 2009 14:45:53 PDT I'ma sing da kitty song.
Meow meow meow meow.
I'm not a kitty.
I am a kitty reject...
I want to be a kitty....
but I'm not good enough to be a kitty or something...
I have been a kitty since I was little.
But now I am told I am not...
I don't feel so good.
I'ma kitty reject.
I'm sad.

]]> ~ElderSilverclaw http://ElderSilverclaw.deviantart.com/journal/24072054/ http://ElderSilverclaw.deviantart.com/journal/24072054/ Sun, 05 Apr 2009 09:04:11 PDT
]]> ~ElderSilverclaw http://ElderSilverclaw.deviantart.com/journal/24013240/ http://ElderSilverclaw.deviantart.com/journal/24013240/ Wed, 01 Apr 2009 19:55:21 PDT So, to try and get rid of the feeling, I went and did some sprints and jogging around town. It didn't help. I am still quite uneasy, and I still feel as if something is not right. It is that strange, pit of your stomach feeling that sets you on edge.
I have been jumpy all day, I keep catching myself with my arms around my stomach, like it hurts or something, but it doesn't. I don't really know how to explain it... I guess I am just having an off day or something. The feeling is hopefully nothing. I just feel like I am about to be let down severely somehow. Hurt or disappointed. There is nothing I can do but wait and try to ignore the feeling. If something bad happens, it happens and I just have to be ready for it and be able to take it. If not, then I am probably going to be wondering what the hell the feeling was from for the rest of my life. The last time I got a feeling this bad my Aunt Larua shot and killed herself so I am pretty sure something is happening. It can't be nothing if it is this strong. I have been trying to keep my mind off it, but the more I try not to think about it the more I do. I need a distraction of some kind.
My piano recital is coming up this Saturday. I am not to nervous. I know I will do fine. If I mess up, I mess up and it happens. It is to be held in the DO auditorium at 7 pm. We have to wear dresses so I am pissed about that... I hate dresses. I look stupid. I feel out of place.
What else...
Oh, yeah, I am working on a new story. It's coming along well. It is a bit violent, but I like the way it is turning out. I am putting the best of my writing ability into it.
I am just writing this to try and make myself feel better. I don't expect anyone to actually read it.
Class today was weird. In my first two blocks I just zoned out mindlessly to the lectures that our teacher was giving us. We have no homework in algebra or sci. I think we have homework in world studies but I am not sure. In weight training we did this unusual thing where we flipped an enormous tire across the soccer field. It was not hard. Strength is not my problem, I don't tire easily. I just hate running. I was afraid we were going to do sprints, I hate them so much. I guess I need to do them, because I signed up for this class and I need to do it to get better. Oh, I also am not sure weather to take a comment that was said to me today as a compliment or an insult. I was told I have "man power" not "woman power" so I am not sure if that was a hit on my femininity or a compliment on I don't know what. It wouldn't surprise me if it was an insult. The person it came from is odd, and I am not sure if their personality is friendly or not. I honestly can not tell and it is bugging me. Allot. I kind of generally don't like people, and he fits into the category that I normally wouldn't talk to but he is kind of interesting to have a conversation with. He is very observant which is kind of cool and creepy at the same time. I didn't honestly even notice I had a class with him until he pointed it out. Maybe I am very unobservant. I don't know. It's almost Friday so I am happy. I am probably going to be bored as hell over spring break. I'm not doing anything fun. I will probably just chill at the park everyday.
This is getting really long. I think I should probably wrap it up. Writing is not helping like I hoped it would. I just feel more confused.
And I hate it when people ask me if I am okay. So if you read this, don't ask me if I am okay. There is nothing more annoying to me then I billion people coming up to me and saying "Are you okay? Do you want to talk about it?" I hate that. I am fine. If I am not fine then I don't want to talk about it. I just want to take some time and get over whatever is making me not fine. I will deal with it myself. I don't need or want help, I don't need or want sympathy, just let me cope with it.
I should probably eat a full meal today. It would be good for me. I'll go do that.
Peace out,
~Jess

]]> ~ElderSilverclaw http://ElderSilverclaw.deviantart.com/journal/23971249/ http://ElderSilverclaw.deviantart.com/journal/23971249/ Mon, 30 Mar 2009 15:52:27 PDT I'm a little freaked out to be honest. He apparently just moved her last year and I have never had a class with him before weight training before so I don't know how he knows all this shit about me. Does he listen in on my conversations or something??? Fucking weird ass shit right there.

]]> ~ElderSilverclaw http://ElderSilverclaw.deviantart.com/journal/23944107/ http://ElderSilverclaw.deviantart.com/journal/23944107/ Sun, 29 Mar 2009 01:53:36 PDT I tried to keep my mind preoccupied with singing and music and my friend who was sitting next to me, but it was just barely working.
It's for the best. I know it is. I will never forgive myself for what I did, but it was prudent for us both. He thinks I hate him and that's the way it should stay. I have erased him from everywhere. Myspace, DA, Email, IM, everything so that I am not tempted. I erased him out of my phone though I still know his number which sucks. I fight the urge to apologize constantly when I see him or hear about him. The best thing I can do is to keep my mind occupied because I know if I get to much time to think about it I might change my mind. I am done going back on my word with him. I have to hold strong this time. I think he hates me which is breaking me inside but I know it is for the best. I made him hate me on purpose to make him stop loving me. It was the only way I saw to make him happy again. I can never be with him again, as much as it feels right sometimes, I know I would be completely miserable. It hurt me to much being around him when he acted like his old self. I just have to keep reminding myself that he is different and that we are no longer friends. When I don't have to be near him or hear about him this is easy. Tonight at Dennys was almost to much. I can't let something like that happen again. I have never had to hurt someone so deeply before. If I didn't, he would just have suffered more and more. I had to end it, even though I lied through my teeth strait to his face. I forced him to believe it. I made it as convincing as possible so that someday he might heal to love another person. It's for the best. I know it is. I will hold strong. I will not break my word again.
It was just painful to have to sit less than ten feet away from him. I literally backed myself into the farthest corner possible to keep away from him. I am pretty sure he was ignoring me as much as I was him. Which means he hates me. Which is a good thing... I just keep telling myself that and I will eventually believe it. I hate myself. I had to do it because it was doing no good to let him suffer any longer, but it was still the hardest thing I have ever forced myself through. I druther take my 30 black belt test twice over than hurt someone like that again. He can never forgive me and that's the way I needed it to be.
It is for the best.
Peace out,
~Barbara J.

]]> ~ElderSilverclaw http://ElderSilverclaw.deviantart.com/journal/23920327/ http://ElderSilverclaw.deviantart.com/journal/23920327/ Fri, 27 Mar 2009 16:36:26 PDT Life is extremely uncomplicated as of now and I plan to keep it that way. I am overjoyed that the weekend is here. This week was long and tiresome. I pushed myself harder than ever this week in weight training and am damn proud of it. I managed to get under 9 minutes while running the mile, (a task which is quite difficult for me) I can easily squat 200, I am finally getting the hand of cleans and my bench has improved from 65 to 95 in three months. If I keep up at this rate I hope to be benching 135 by the end of term. If I fail to succeed I am getting a gym membership anyways and will be going three times a week to keep fit.
Also the next blackbelt group is starting their training this semester and I hope to participate in their education. I think I am finally over my depression problems and am able to focus on maintaining a 3.0 while job hunting and keeping up chores at home. My road is clear and my focus is my school work.
Over the weekends I am happily accompanied by a friend and have been getting closer to this person with each passing day. We keep our distance at school, sometimes hanging out at lunch, but otherwise not socializing. We talk on the phone maybe once every other week and have conversations over myspace after school. We stick to only hanging out once a week on either Friday night or Saturday morning at the park or at my house. Very rarely do we see each other more than that outside school. He is thoroughly someone I can relate to and get along easily with and I am so happy to have him as a friend. He is easy to talk to and shares the same need for space as I do.
I can't remember the last time I was so happy in my life. I believe the last time was back in my former home schooler days when I was innocent and hated oatmeal.
I made peanut butter cookies twice this week as a result of my good mood. They came out perfectly, which means I am finally getting the recipe right. Also, I plan to try something this weekend that I have never tried before which could possibly be extremely fun and relaxing. Moreover, I plan to get a new knife or two with the money I will be making this Saturday from my babysitting.
Life is good. Good music, good romance, good grades, hard work, good friends, good food, hot shower, cold drink.
Good times.
Peace out ya'll!
~Barbara J.

]]> ~ElderSilverclaw http://ElderSilverclaw.deviantart.com/journal/23844731/ http://ElderSilverclaw.deviantart.com/journal/23844731/ Mon, 23 Mar 2009 07:30:10 PDT
]]> ~ElderSilverclaw http://ElderSilverclaw.deviantart.com/journal/23839465/ http://ElderSilverclaw.deviantart.com/journal/23839465/ Sun, 22 Mar 2009 20:07:04 PDT
]]> ~ElderSilverclaw http://ElderSilverclaw.deviantart.com/journal/23817725/ http://ElderSilverclaw.deviantart.com/journal/23817725/ Sat, 21 Mar 2009 16:44:18 PDT
]]> ~ElderSilverclaw http://ElderSilverclaw.deviantart.com/journal/23769002/ http://ElderSilverclaw.deviantart.com/journal/23769002/ Wed, 18 Mar 2009 18:18:13 PDT It's kind of strange at first but when its over you will totally understand it.
If you believe we are not a part of a lost generation, watch this.
[link]

]]> ~ElderSilverclaw http://ElderSilverclaw.deviantart.com/journal/23707059/ http://ElderSilverclaw.deviantart.com/journal/23707059/ Sun, 15 Mar 2009 07:36:47 PDT I'm sorry.

]]> ~ElderSilverclaw http://ElderSilverclaw.deviantart.com/journal/23701279/ http://ElderSilverclaw.deviantart.com/journal/23701279/ Sat, 14 Mar 2009 20:19:19 PDT I had cake,
I chilled with a good friend,
I did a kip up,
I had cake,
and it was sexy and made of chocolate.

]]> ~ElderSilverclaw http://ElderSilverclaw.deviantart.com/journal/23689918/ http://ElderSilverclaw.deviantart.com/journal/23689918/ Sat, 14 Mar 2009 07:56:23 PDT So my friend Joe is going into law enforcement training and he needed to get sprayed, right? He also wants to fight us after he has been sprayed just to see if he could make himself do it. So he had one person attack him with a gun, one with a knife, and one with a bat. He had to fight them one at a time. First he fought the bat guy off, he disarmed him and knocked him down. At this point he was in so much pain that he grabbed his face briefly with both hands before continuing the fight. Next, I came in and attacked him with the knife, (metal training knife, not sharp or deadly in any way) at this point he disarms the knife, and knocked me down with a forward face ripdown. So he put his contaminated hands all over my face and throws me to the ground hard. Also, I was wearing a tank top and the stuff had stuck all over the mats in the Dojo so it got all over my skin as well as in my eyes and on my face. The stuff burns like you are on fire. So basically they got me home and into a cold shower for an hour or so but the burning didn't stop until about 9 pm. Two and a half hours after I was contaminated.
POOR JOE. I can not imagine what he was going through because I was crying and I only got a taste of it and man it really sucked. Allot. Joe was in so much pain he couldn't even talk. He just keeled over on the ground sobbing with the hose in his face for an hour and then we finally got him inside and into the shower. He didn't come out for quite some time.
Joe is fine now and so am I.
Just a warning to all you people who don't like pain.
DO NOT piss off a person with pepper spray. EVER. The stuff is so painful, you can't even imagine.
So yeah, I had fun yesterday.

]]> ~ElderSilverclaw http://ElderSilverclaw.deviantart.com/journal/23662615/ http://ElderSilverclaw.deviantart.com/journal/23662615/ Thu, 12 Mar 2009 16:03:23 PDT Ich bin hier, in deinem Geist,
Ich spreche zu Ihnen,
Meine Antworten, die ich finden,
Auch wenn Sie nicht wissen, dass es,
Ich bin immer rund,
Obwohl ich so nah,
Ich kann nicht gefunden werden,
Abbildung es aus,
Ich bin mit Ihrer Zweifel,
Ich bin hier, in Ihrem Kopf,
Hören Sie die Worte, die ich gesagt haben,
Ich spreche zu Ihnen,
Die Lüge und der Wahrheit,
Abbildung es aus,

You just don't get it do you?

]]> ~ElderSilverclaw http://ElderSilverclaw.deviantart.com/journal/23577951/ http://ElderSilverclaw.deviantart.com/journal/23577951/ Sat, 07 Mar 2009 16:22:33 PST For six hours...
lol it was a great Saturday.

]]> ~ElderSilverclaw http://ElderSilverclaw.deviantart.com/journal/23569249/ http://ElderSilverclaw.deviantart.com/journal/23569249/ Sat, 07 Mar 2009 06:26:22 PST
]]> ~ElderSilverclaw http://ElderSilverclaw.deviantart.com/journal/23562084/ http://ElderSilverclaw.deviantart.com/journal/23562084/ Fri, 06 Mar 2009 18:21:58 PST
]]> ~ElderSilverclaw http://ElderSilverclaw.deviantart.com/journal/23549347/ http://ElderSilverclaw.deviantart.com/journal/23549347/ Thu, 05 Mar 2009 22:31:54 PST
]]> ~ElderSilverclaw http://ElderSilverclaw.deviantart.com/journal/23510036/ http://ElderSilverclaw.deviantart.com/journal/23510036/ Tue, 03 Mar 2009 15:42:48 PST
]]> ~ElderSilverclaw http://ElderSilverclaw.deviantart.com/journal/23474483/ http://ElderSilverclaw.deviantart.com/journal/23474483/ Sun, 01 Mar 2009 16:35:16 PST
]]> ~ElderSilverclaw http://ElderSilverclaw.deviantart.com/journal/23465300/ http://ElderSilverclaw.deviantart.com/journal/23465300/ Sun, 01 Mar 2009 08:08:00 PST They spent the night.
Urgh. I feel like I have a hangover even though I didn't drink.

]]> ~ElderSilverclaw http://ElderSilverclaw.deviantart.com/journal/23448454/ http://ElderSilverclaw.deviantart.com/journal/23448454/ Sat, 28 Feb 2009 09:59:12 PST
]]> ~ElderSilverclaw http://ElderSilverclaw.deviantart.com/journal/23442316/ http://ElderSilverclaw.deviantart.com/journal/23442316/ Fri, 27 Feb 2009 22:43:11 PST It was kind of a dumb play.
I almost fell asleep several times but kitkat made sure I stayed up for the end.

]]> ~ElderSilverclaw http://ElderSilverclaw.deviantart.com/journal/23437723/ http://ElderSilverclaw.deviantart.com/journal/23437723/ Fri, 27 Feb 2009 17:31:13 PST this sucks. im pissed

]]> ~ElderSilverclaw http://ElderSilverclaw.deviantart.com/journal/23420752/ http://ElderSilverclaw.deviantart.com/journal/23420752/ Thu, 26 Feb 2009 17:44:00 PST I hate my birthday. I should be overjoyed that I am so much closer to 18 but I don't really have anything to look forward to then anymore.
Oh, and there is a guy who likes me and he took me to the movies on Monday. It was actually fun. Then we had lunch and went home. I think it was a date but I'm not sure.
This is for you. You know who you are. You told me to move on and that you didn't want me anymore. I hope you meant it.

]]> ~ElderSilverclaw http://ElderSilverclaw.deviantart.com/journal/23339723/ http://ElderSilverclaw.deviantart.com/journal/23339723/ Sun, 22 Feb 2009 09:48:00 PST
]]> ~ElderSilverclaw http://ElderSilverclaw.deviantart.com/journal/23261740/ http://ElderSilverclaw.deviantart.com/journal/23261740/ Tue, 17 Feb 2009 20:45:53 PST I mean after I got an ash burn on my face from the cigarette.
Later was actually nice.

]]> ~ElderSilverclaw http://ElderSilverclaw.deviantart.com/journal/23241002/ http://ElderSilverclaw.deviantart.com/journal/23241002/ Mon, 16 Feb 2009 17:55:35 PST I was talking to my friend and texting at the same time and he got pissed and told me to quit texting and I said no. He was tagging along with me, and I was asking my friend a question about his upcoming birthday through text message. D, who was walking with me and my pissed off friend lit up a cigarette and started smoking it. My pissed off friend was in a bad mood at start with so when I took a drag off D's cigarette he grabbed it and threw it in my face. I am pretty pissed.

]]> ~ElderSilverclaw http://ElderSilverclaw.deviantart.com/journal/23199999/ http://ElderSilverclaw.deviantart.com/journal/23199999/ Sat, 14 Feb 2009 16:20:09 PST I wanted to swear. So I did. It made me feel more angry.
I wanted to hit something, so I pounded away on my makawara board for a half an house, and now my hands are bloody and split and torn to hell again, but worse than before. I wore the skin right off down to the bone. That made me feel a little bit better. I tried playing catch with one of my knifes, but after a few minutes I got distracted and missed and it landed on my foot so now my foot it cut.
I think I will go back to the makawara board. A few more scars wont hurt.

]]> ~ElderSilverclaw http://ElderSilverclaw.deviantart.com/journal/23179569/ http://ElderSilverclaw.deviantart.com/journal/23179569/ Fri, 13 Feb 2009 17:31:45 PST I thought I would have someone to say "I love you" to this year.
Happy Singles Awareness Day.

]]> ~ElderSilverclaw http://ElderSilverclaw.deviantart.com/journal/23164640/ http://ElderSilverclaw.deviantart.com/journal/23164640/ Thu, 12 Feb 2009 21:05:30 PST there is none.
i give up.

]]> ~ElderSilverclaw http://ElderSilverclaw.deviantart.com/journal/23023995/ http://ElderSilverclaw.deviantart.com/journal/23023995/ Thu, 05 Feb 2009 16:11:15 PST
]]> ~ElderSilverclaw http://ElderSilverclaw.deviantart.com/journal/23006934/ http://ElderSilverclaw.deviantart.com/journal/23006934/ Wed, 04 Feb 2009 16:55:40 PST Today was long. I feel totally lazy like no other right now. In seven minutes I have to go work on math homework.
My cousin Skeeter died. Mom's at the funeral right now. I didn't get to go...
I need to get a life. I don't want to do homework. I'd rather just browse the net.

]]> ~ElderSilverclaw http://ElderSilverclaw.deviantart.com/journal/22991207/ http://ElderSilverclaw.deviantart.com/journal/22991207/ Tue, 03 Feb 2009 19:20:51 PST I don't know why. I was wondering why today, and then I suddenly realized why and understood, but then I forgot and lost it again... I just don't feel good about my life right now... I don't know why...I feel like a jerk. I have a bucket load of HW to do but I am taking a break... I am tired...I am sore...
I have pretty flowers though, and it helps some. It makes me remember what wonderful friends I have and how lucky I am to have them.
I still just don't feel okay about something...and it is bothering me... I have to figure it out...

]]> ~ElderSilverclaw http://ElderSilverclaw.deviantart.com/journal/22944174/ http://ElderSilverclaw.deviantart.com/journal/22944174/ Sun, 01 Feb 2009 13:29:55 PST I love green.
I love water.
Tea also.
I think I'ma get a new hat.
Just cleaning my room and doing homework today.

]]> ~ElderSilverclaw http://ElderSilverclaw.deviantart.com/journal/22908035/ http://ElderSilverclaw.deviantart.com/journal/22908035/ Fri, 30 Jan 2009 16:21:03 PST What did I do, you ask?
My parents found a bottle of liquor in my room and I turned two history assignments in late.
Yeah, I'm the immoral child of the family. My little sister is the angel.
The liquor wasn't that good anyways, I only had it for bad days when I just wanted a drink. Is that so bad?
For some, yeah, I guess it is. But trust me, I have done much worse.
I'm gunna give going to the Sadie Hawkins's dance one more go. Besides, I already got my dress and shoes. (The dress I got from a garage sale.) but the theme is Abnormal Formal so the dress should work. It is frilly. Which isn't usually my style, but whatever.
Is it just me or is everything falling apart this month?
Maybe it's just me.
I said the stupidest thing today in Biology...It was sorta embarrassing...
I was zoning off while my teacher was talking about safety precautions for a Lab we were going to do and I was not paying any attention at all, so he turns and says loud and quick "Barbara, what's the safest way?" to catch me by surprise.
And I said the first thing that came to my head.
My stupid, sleepy head...
I said "Always use "protection". I know." Really loud and the whole class started laughing and my teacher just stared at me. Then I said
"Ooh, not THAT safest way, sorry. I mean, always use gloves and wear your goggles.
I know, I'm an idiot. It was kinda funny though...

]]> ~ElderSilverclaw http://ElderSilverclaw.deviantart.com/journal/22848068/ http://ElderSilverclaw.deviantart.com/journal/22848068/ Tue, 27 Jan 2009 16:54:08 PST He then asked me if I Rollerblade...
I said Yes, why?
he then asked me if I was the girl who hit a parked car while roller blading...
Yup...
That was me...
I am so well known...

]]> ~ElderSilverclaw http://ElderSilverclaw.deviantart.com/journal/22829748/ http://ElderSilverclaw.deviantart.com/journal/22829748/ Mon, 26 Jan 2009 17:51:09 PST I suck.
I hate running. I have been trying so hard. It isn't like I'm out of shape or anything. Very much the opposite. I am very strong in my arms and abs and thighs but my calves are just weak. I have been trying everything. It just doesn't WORK...
I'm pathetic...

]]> ~ElderSilverclaw http://ElderSilverclaw.deviantart.com/journal/22788678/ http://ElderSilverclaw.deviantart.com/journal/22788678/ Sat, 24 Jan 2009 18:39:27 PST It is kind of strange. I work, I read, I run and sleep and feel nothing. I am not sad, nor angry, nor hurt, nor happy. I wake up in the morning and feel nothing. I go through the day and feel nothing.
I got new shoes today. They are beautiful. They look like Ofilia's shoes from Pan's Labyrinth. The ones she wore in the end of the movie when she dies. The red ones. They are so pretty...

]]> ~ElderSilverclaw http://ElderSilverclaw.deviantart.com/journal/22676458/ http://ElderSilverclaw.deviantart.com/journal/22676458/ Mon, 19 Jan 2009 15:14:58 PST I hurt EVERYWHERE.
I am sore in places I didn't know could be sore.
WOOT!
I am running on almost no sleep.
I don't sleep anymore. It sucks.
I wake up every two hours.
I sleep from 11pm to 4 or 5 am and wake up to nightmares constantly. I can't even sleep on my own bed anymore I fall off so much.
I love this song. Red Wine by Bob Marley.

]]> ~ElderSilverclaw