http://search.deviantart.com/?q=by:EvilAZNSaturnPBear&section=today deviantART RSS for by:EvilAZNSaturnPBear en-us Copyright 2009, deviantART.com Sat, 19 Dec 2009 21:51:18 PST deviantART.com http://blogs.law.harvard.edu/tech/rss http://s.deviantart.com/minish/widgets/apple-touch-icon-precomposed.png http://EvilAZNSaturnPBear.deviantart.com/journal/18269742/ http://EvilAZNSaturnPBear.deviantart.com/journal/18269742/ Sun, 11 May 2008 08:40:06 PDT


...For my childish actions and rationality towards my friends and beyond.

I and only I do hold responsibility for it. I just beg that others may forgive this imperfection amongst imperfections as I can only overcome it with the help and experience of being with others.

My maturity still has a childish undertone and sometimes overtone.
But I like that about me.



But if you can't tolerate me, then please tell it to my face. Its hard to look beyond the surface when I care for someone.
Take care, everyone.♥

]]> ~EvilAZNSaturnPBear http://EvilAZNSaturnPBear.deviantart.com/journal/17795283/ http://EvilAZNSaturnPBear.deviantart.com/journal/17795283/ Fri, 11 Apr 2008 12:43:07 PDT

Since this probably makes no sense, I'll explain. I am positively sure my dreams all take place in the same world, just a few parts per dream though.

Typically the detail isn't amazing, but this time it was almost more than the earth can create since the dawn of man. I almost died in my sleep as I was struck breathless with ice-capped mountains and the lushious green mountainsides of places undefiled by the filth of man.
I caught a glimpse of Shangrila.

Anyhow there's a straight bar with a mini drag show in it haha
The town is kind of like a typical zombie-mountain town, not far from another dreamscape of mine with a megacorporation similar but more complex than Umbrella Inc.

~WARNING: RECURRING THEME~
Though we never did escape due to traffic, I can't help but think it was a beautiful dream that showed my I may never be loved like I need, so I should just devote my life to the people in my life. It wasn't bad helping the victim in my dream



Now did I ramble on too long? I seriously want to know no matter how old this blog gets lmao

]]> ~EvilAZNSaturnPBear http://EvilAZNSaturnPBear.deviantart.com/journal/17619367/ http://EvilAZNSaturnPBear.deviantart.com/journal/17619367/ Tue, 01 Apr 2008 03:24:13 PDT
EDIT: Ok haha. I get it. Took me 14 hours into it, but alas its April Fools Day >_>

]]> ~EvilAZNSaturnPBear http://EvilAZNSaturnPBear.deviantart.com/journal/17590819/ http://EvilAZNSaturnPBear.deviantart.com/journal/17590819/ Sun, 30 Mar 2008 13:51:29 PDT

☻EDIT☻
♠Disregard my past post please...♠

I had dreamt of meeting old friends and making new ones in the guise of visiting my dream-version of Kent State Univeristy. And best of all, they were all civil and almost in a Harmonious beauty like only dreams can weave.

I miss you all: those from Nordonia new and old, from the internet, from far and near, from gone to ever present, and those who choose to evade and ignore me.

I don't know if I'll find what I need and shant try anymore, but I still want to spread my love to all I call "Friend." All you I do hold dear to me and hope only for the best and hope I can help you even if it kills me.
You're all welcome in my mind and heart.


And also thank you Nick and Sam. You two helped pull me out of myself last night and into the club without a care in me.♥

And thank you my anonymous friend. What has transpired may never happen again, but I enjoyed being of mutual service, something I do dearly love more than many a finer thing in life.



May blessing find you all with or without me.

]]> ~EvilAZNSaturnPBear http://EvilAZNSaturnPBear.deviantart.com/journal/17435934/ http://EvilAZNSaturnPBear.deviantart.com/journal/17435934/ Fri, 21 Mar 2008 01:34:19 PDT
I'm still stuck on it.
I can't sleep at night as I'm plagued with thoughts surrounding it and my near paranoia/rationality.
The usual aches and pains of an unwanted passion.

The rest pales in comparison.

In other news, I do believe I'm going for an online course of Pham Tech through CSU. Now I need the monies.
And I'm going to Branson, MO for my brother's spring break starting Tomorrow. Ugh...


Adding in the necessary "BLAH BLAH BLAH RELATIONSHIPS BLAH BLAH EMO STUFF"



Sentience is a cruel disability in the sensations of our unlikely birth.
I'll take to not having been born with a soul to not have to worry of the pains of life and the sufferings of the many. Should all perish this morrow without warning or blood-curdling anguish so be it. Of lack-of is a blessing too great to appreciate or receive without fear or retaliation.

Self-mutilation never looked lovelier.
_________________________________________________________________

So here is a game.

Give me a reason why. Why I shouldn't regain my composure and spirit away in order to delay the circumstantial relay of my entireties spiral to a beloved and desired decay?

I need but a thought.


Gotcha
You needn't do that. I'm not as selfish as that.
At least not like most whom I treasure.

I wish someone would actually finish the jobs the start on me. Or not lie or make promises they can't commit to so I can have false hope.
I'm done. 'Cause there's no one to exist to care unconditionally.
I'm a picky asshole now too.

]]> ~EvilAZNSaturnPBear http://EvilAZNSaturnPBear.deviantart.com/journal/17352307/ http://EvilAZNSaturnPBear.deviantart.com/journal/17352307/ Sat, 15 Mar 2008 18:52:23 PDT
"...Make you do a doubletake..."
~Miss Elliot<3

]]> ~EvilAZNSaturnPBear http://EvilAZNSaturnPBear.deviantart.com/journal/16898901/ http://EvilAZNSaturnPBear.deviantart.com/journal/16898901/ Fri, 15 Feb 2008 13:07:19 PST
*EDIT*
Thanks for the secrets, asshole.




If I deny it later, let this stand as testament for the love I have for you, M i c h a e l P/Reizo Takahashi. I know you don't love me like I still love you and you may never know how to Love like I do. I'm going to stay crippled over you for a little under half a year. The typical time is January till May.

Nightflurry/T i m A: December '05 - January '06
Shinji Skunk/B e c k y B: May 20, 2006 - January 21, 2007
Reizo Takahashi/M i c h a e l P: May 25, 2007 - January 05, 2008.

None of you have the feeling I have for you still. You'll all prefer to forget if you haven't already. You all keep me up at night and make me break into tears at a moments notice.
I see, hear, smell, taste you guys everyday.

My memories haunt me.

But unlike you, I can't let you go. I can't move on. I devote my world to you and then I don't get closure.


The door to me stays open and I have to tear a hole in a wall if find someone else I think is worth the pain.
Shit, now you all have me shaking uncontrollably.

I'm glad you guys are happy. I really can't wait till I find my happiness. I hope it hadn't died those years ago before I lost the Faith in my heart.





Can't stand the loneliness.
Some have said I'm strong.
I'm only strong after having half a year to rebuild myself after it ends.
I can supplement my emptiness by being needed by others.
I've no one now really. Some who care enough, but not the love I need to function and be content.

How many walls are left to destroy before the roof caves into my entirety?

Nausea and wiping my eyes are a common occurance when my devotion is desecrated. And when I make unnecessarily over dramatic statements, most of the time.

I watch my psychedelic twister profile picture and look into my eyes. The ones some of you have fallen for.

They're not the same eyes.
I can see it in the mirror.
I thought I felt old before, but the weight I carry, the weight of my past and my heart, grows too great for a coward as am I. Too bad reprieve escapes my eye and my grasp.








And yet I wonder how you are, who you're with, what you're up to, why things went wrong, where you are or have been and when it all turned around for the best after what was once "Us."


*Nightflurry-
I don't blame you for giving up on the arrogant and idiotic geek I was and probably still am. I hope you find love.
*Shinji-
I hope Wulf is a better boyfriend and husband that I ever could have been and will take care of you so much.

*M i c h a e l-
If you like J o s h, go for it. God damn I'm jealous and want to die when I think you're with him or anyone except me, but thats because you're the first man to really come close to Loving me like I need.
I want to guilt you and hold you and tell you I love you, but only I'll feel better and you'll be put through awkwardness. Inner conflict has ravaged me forever, but ever more so in our relationship and afterwards. But I guess I did learn something from you, or you completed my knowledge:




I'll never have anyone.
Now all I can do it ease the pain and troubles of others, because I'll never find refuge or safety in another.

All I wanted from you or Vid or Ko or any man or woman was to hold them and to be held. But no one wants me. So I'll just find a use for me so I can forge a purpose rather than concede to the death I so dearly desire. None can so far understand my restrictions from a quick fix to my Never-intended spawning.


Please. Just let any memory of this let you know that I'll never forget or lose my love for anyone I've loved. I doubt even death will rid me of my heart's self-destructiveness.

]]> ~EvilAZNSaturnPBear http://EvilAZNSaturnPBear.deviantart.com/journal/14582351/ http://EvilAZNSaturnPBear.deviantart.com/journal/14582351/ Mon, 10 Sep 2007 21:29:08 PDT 1. show directions (no brainer)
2. the point...write 8 random facts about yourself
3. make a journal for this
4. tag 8+ people
5. got to each person's page and leave a comment notifying them

okay, on with the show:
1. I'm not even close to androgenous anymore without my long hair and that I'm putting on weight again...

2. I don't like writing down things like journals.

3. I'm still bi....I think. Some factors have been scaring me away from woman, no longer seeing it as the "Holy Land" to more of "the JAWS of Life"...;_;
I don't know. Its not mainly that either...

4. I'm in Love with an Amazing boy

5. I'm living in Colombus with him now<3

6. I'm not welcome in my family's home xD

7. I'm studying for my auditions for music schools now. Its nothing like other colleges and most everyone doesn't understand...

8. I'm learning to control my flirting. I'm learning how to emote IRL. I'm learning what real love is like. Wish me luck <3

And the victims are....... (actually you dont have to do it if you dont want to.)

No one.
You all win.

]]> ~EvilAZNSaturnPBear http://EvilAZNSaturnPBear.deviantart.com/journal/13175419/ http://EvilAZNSaturnPBear.deviantart.com/journal/13175419/ Fri, 01 Jun 2007 10:57:40 PDT Now I can eat real foods at lunch!
NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM

]]> ~EvilAZNSaturnPBear http://EvilAZNSaturnPBear.deviantart.com/journal/12710075/ http://EvilAZNSaturnPBear.deviantart.com/journal/12710075/ Mon, 23 Apr 2007 20:04:08 PDT
]]> ~EvilAZNSaturnPBear http://EvilAZNSaturnPBear.deviantart.com/journal/12272256/ http://EvilAZNSaturnPBear.deviantart.com/journal/12272256/ Wed, 21 Mar 2007 14:08:13 PDT
I just erased my entire journal entry. W. T. F.

The library is missing an "esc" key now. (Its in the gas fireplace)

So here's the skinny:
•I'm suspended, my mom doesn't know, my dad thinks I'm job hunting, I'm bored
•I hope the play and everyone are ok.
•I haven't had internet at home in 1-2-3-4-5-6½ days.
•I want to be with ♥Master♥ right now...(He lives in MD)
•I don't EVER want to go back to school. I had a whole rant about it and a life that would be perfect......-ly quiet and unrealistic.


I have too much havoc to wreak on this obsolete world.

~♥~

]]> ~EvilAZNSaturnPBear http://EvilAZNSaturnPBear.deviantart.com/journal/11536642/ http://EvilAZNSaturnPBear.deviantart.com/journal/11536642/ Tue, 23 Jan 2007 00:10:53 PST



I broke up with my mate of 8 months, my lovely, Miss Shinji Skunk.

NOT posting how I feel, that goes into my next submission. Its a WIP.




If you're reading this, thanks. I haven't been so active the past couple months, but thats rectifing itself. Mainly cause I lost the most precious lover I've ever had..possibly forever...


My ex-mate Shinji Skunk and I broke it off because I could not bear to continue on as close as we were...for I was living what I came to realize was a lie.

But thats not the point. In my faith, as others do too believe, there are 2 defining dynamic energies, Male and Female. They cannot be compared...only combined or clashed, for they as the same and the opposite all at the same time. And when they come together, they form life. One of my greatest friends once told me that she believes this to be the history of the Universe. The "Big Bang" is how I interpreted it.

But at this moment, I know if its possible I fluxuate with both energies...and what I need the most right now is Male energies. Not to belittle Female, as Woman has taught me many truths and facts of life and of the sexes, and Woman was first to truely show me Love without ulterior motives or shadow. I gave Woman my Mind, Body, Soul, Virginity, and even most of my Heart. Woman shall always be with me.

What I need right now is Male. Man and his bold strength, his power, his support, his Love too. I am lacking too mch Male to deal with the problems in my life that require Man's side of the spectrum. Maybe then I'll be complete. I've always sort have been a "fence-sitter" or one to absorb both/all sides and enjoy the peace and serenity of the center. I live and breathe grey area.


At the same time I am also a doll; a mannequin. I cannot do much good...only look, talk, act, and sing pretty for your customers/friends. I am pretty empty inside and can be void of emotions very often. Just spark me up and I'll run for you. One may even consider me a Dresden Dolls's Coin Operated Boy...but not nearly as pretty.

All I can hope for is someone to love me that I can love back with all my heart. And maybe we'll create something glorious together.


Please. Help me finish this one jigsaw of millions I have. All I need is your piece.


Thank you. Good night.

~/*Saturn*Thalarctos*\~

]]> ~EvilAZNSaturnPBear http://EvilAZNSaturnPBear.deviantart.com/journal/11108632/ http://EvilAZNSaturnPBear.deviantart.com/journal/11108632/ Mon, 18 Dec 2006 18:15:06 PST
Hi.

You're like the canvas before the (de)creation has begun. May you go unspoiled and only beautious, as the deformity is quickly wiped from thee with the click of a Mod/Admin. I pray you'll find peace away from the storm of my mind and NEVER have these many thoughts that one cannot decipher or calculate the simplest of things, say, your native language in a childrens book or addition/subtraction in 2nd grade Arithmatic.

Alas, I digress. And yet I may post some stuffs in the near future...



...maybe...



(Geez that too much more than I thought it would.)



I can't say anything non-standard here. Sorry to get your hopes up.

]]> ~EvilAZNSaturnPBear http://EvilAZNSaturnPBear.deviantart.com/journal/9341320/ http://EvilAZNSaturnPBear.deviantart.com/journal/9341320/ Tue, 11 Jul 2006 09:13:58 PDT
People who get tagged by this particular string need to write a journal about their 6 weird habits/things as well as state this rule clearly. In the end, you need to choose the next 6 people to be tagged and list their names. Don't forget to leave a comment that says "you are tagged" in their devpage comments (or send 'em a note since they are informed of that in the message center) and tell them to read yours!

So here it goes (in no particular order):

!~I'm almost a freaking neat-freak, part-time germ-o-phobe, and bitchy when I or my stuff does/has ta get dirty....but I don't like to clean.

@~I'm always in trouble with ATLEAST 4 people at a time...

#~I make promises I can't keep and keep to myself a lot.

$~I'm a submissive, bipolar bisexual polar bear anthro dude who was born a...thing in male skin...

%~I scare the black people at school a lot and the white kids just get nervous.

^~I have a natural piercing...well...~looks down to you-know-where~

~/*^_^*\~

I'm done. Now for the six people...hmmmm.....

Hrm....(Once again In No Particular Order...)







Thanks!! ]]> ~EvilAZNSaturnPBear http://EvilAZNSaturnPBear.deviantart.com/journal/8402807/ http://EvilAZNSaturnPBear.deviantart.com/journal/8402807/ Fri, 07 Apr 2006 21:59:37 PDT


~/*Saturn*Bear*Thalarctos*\~
~tell meh if my name needs work~

~/*^_^*\~

Deviant ~EvilAZNSaturnPBear has 392 new messages ( 343D, 11H, 6M, 4C, 28J )

/\
|
My typical Welcome to DA every 1st period. I'm sorry I've been inattentive, but I've mental problems, insomnia, and drama around every corner. So lemme not get emo and all drama queen on ya. I really wanna make friends here, but life gets more complicated every day......and I'm losing it faster than a Senile 900 year old in a house of mirrors.

Or a leprous pimp after castration and skin removal surgeries.

So, to those in hostile lives, peace. To those with it easy, fuck off. ESPECIALLY to those that pretend to have problems like not getting the private jet fleet you always wanted or your private island with a 2.5 billion dollar home just sunk like Atlantis, may you burn in your Ambercrombie and Fitch and expensive Dolce and Gabanna you can afford to have trampled on.

I'm not happy, can ya tell?

IN other news, I'm goin to Prom! Again! ~silent girly scream~

YEAAAAH!!

~/*Saturn*Bear*Thalarctos*\~

Use this word thrice a day:


PORN!!! ]]> ~EvilAZNSaturnPBear http://EvilAZNSaturnPBear.deviantart.com/journal/7903410/ http://EvilAZNSaturnPBear.deviantart.com/journal/7903410/ Wed, 15 Feb 2006 05:35:56 PST


~/*Saturn*Bear*Thalarctos*\~
~tell meh if my name needs work~

~/^_^\~~/^_^\~~/^_^\~~/^_^\~~/^_^\~~/^_^\~~/^_^\~~/^_^\~

I don't support the changes in banned user settings merely for the fact that this censorship can take away some great compositions or art, photography, poetry, etc. Yes, profane usernames CAN be offensive, but if you don't screen user names first, then can you blame the infracturing parties for their actions. If one should add a program or command to the username input in registration, then yes, if they slip through, by all means, Block the bugg3r. But without it, its not really ethical.

And, you can have all accounts make a choice to see the banned accounts or not to see them when signing up. Its just a click of a box. And add a small statement to your TOS and such so as to keep liability off your backs.

Besides, If people go looking for them, then thats their fault. If one should be a Nazi, let them be. just stay away/ignore them. Before soon, you'll be a self made Nazi of your beliefs. Removal of their monuments on this site is like wiping off Stonehenge off the face of the planet. Or the Great wall. Both laborous and ruining history and culture, forever.


One principle of our country and a famous quote:

Give me liberty or give me what? Exactly. ]]> ~EvilAZNSaturnPBear http://EvilAZNSaturnPBear.deviantart.com/journal/7834625/ http://EvilAZNSaturnPBear.deviantart.com/journal/7834625/ Wed, 08 Feb 2006 05:26:18 PST


~/*Saturn*Bear*Thalarctos*\~
~tell meh if my name needs work~ ]]> ~EvilAZNSaturnPBear http://EvilAZNSaturnPBear.deviantart.com/journal/7639008/ http://EvilAZNSaturnPBear.deviantart.com/journal/7639008/ Wed, 18 Jan 2006 12:25:31 PST [link]

Bloody awesome. Some yaoi intent tho..... ]]> ~EvilAZNSaturnPBear http://EvilAZNSaturnPBear.deviantart.com/journal/7582129/ http://EvilAZNSaturnPBear.deviantart.com/journal/7582129/ Thu, 12 Jan 2006 10:39:05 PST DO reply...
that's all I want
tell me what you think.

Heh, I didn't write this, but I agree with it's message. Let's all be REAL friends!! <3!

~/*Saturn Bear*\~ ]]> ~EvilAZNSaturnPBear