http://search.deviantart.com/?q=by:Exotice1911&section=today deviantART RSS for by:Exotice1911 en-us Copyright 2009, deviantART.com Thu, 03 Dec 2009 23:33:37 PST deviantART.com http://blogs.law.harvard.edu/tech/rss http://s.deviantart.com/minish/widgets/apple-touch-icon-precomposed.png http://Exotice1911.deviantart.com/journal/28626255/ http://Exotice1911.deviantart.com/journal/28626255/ Sat, 28 Nov 2009 09:07:03 PST
I've started to look around at night sights to replace the stock set on my sidearm, it's pretty much a necessity to me after I turned on my weapon light for the first time and tried to look down the sights. All I could see was a blocky silhouette of the sight system, but no dots, and while I could still see perfectly, it would be impossible to find the front sight when I needed it the most. Also, I'm thinking of getting a dual action spring for the guide rod, and a compensator barrel to help ease the recoil that I feel when I shoot the damn thing. While I love my XD45, it doesn't seem to handle he recoil of a .45 ACP as well as Billy's USP does. Which is one of the reasons why I wanted to get my own so bad. I've yet to get the chance to shoot my XD with the light attached because of time constraints, but I'm working on getting out to my house soon, but I really want to know how much the gun won't flip when I have a counterbalance (flashlight) on the end before I start putting recoil reducing attachments. I'm trying to decide between a threaded barrel or a ported barrel. The difference is that the ported barrels are extended, but have holes drilled in the top to redirect the gas from the bullet upward to keep the muzzle from jumping so much, the threaded barrels are extended, and have threads that resemble that of an end to a pop bottle specifically for screwing attachments on such as a suppressor or a compensator. The threaded barrel would do well for versatility, but then there's also the cost of looking for a compensator, and the legal paperwork of getting a suppressor. In the end I'll probably go with a threaded extended barrel.

There's also the thing with the Lasermax sight. I can get a laser sight that replaces the Guide rod, but the warning on their website mentioned something about a different configuration of barrel lugs that mean that it might not fit, and when I looked at my XD's barrel, it looked like a combination of both compatible and non compatible versions. Not that it can't be fixed with getting a new barrel (extended one I mentioned before), but I still want to make sure that somehow mine will fit before I drop money down on the most expensive part.

Wow, this journal has been nothing but boring technical stuff for my gun. You must be bored if you're still reading this far, well, going to close now to avoid putting you to sleep.

Sarah's Humble Ninja,
Matthew

Matt: " ( insert long tenchincal quote here ) "

Kain: " Wow, that was boring...go to sleep."

"Go and take that piss with pride, Matt! You've earned it!"
-Billy

]]> ~Exotice1911 http://Exotice1911.deviantart.com/journal/28541707/ http://Exotice1911.deviantart.com/journal/28541707/ Tue, 24 Nov 2009 04:32:10 PST
It's was literally a near death experience for me, hell, up till we fixed things, I was suffering from something that looked very much like Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I actually did something that I am not proud of, and I hope I never find myself doing it again.

A few things happened yesterday that actually made me depressed. Fist, I went to the gun store to let the USP I had on layaway go so I could use the money to pay a couple bills, but they couldn't do that, it was only a store credit that I would be allowed to get. Knowing that I would not be able to afford the USP for a long time, I decided that I might as well use the credit for something that had a more tangable effect. I bought a tactical flashlight for my XD45. It was a nice investment, as the price was not exactly a kick in the groin, and the light works the way it should. With the way it balances the gun, it feels a bit like I am holding a whole new firearm. Course I'm going to have one hell of a time trying to find a holster for it because the light on it was actually designed for a slightly longer rail. The light sticks out an inch or so in front of the barrel, which makes it look odd, but but it does it's job and has no way of accidentally coming loose. Personally, I think all guns should have a flashlight mounted since according to the FBI, 80% of all firefights happen in conditions with little or no light. The slide interface system makes the flashlight snap on and off instantly so I can take the light and use it as a normal flashlight with out getting in trouble for pointing my weapon at everything I'm trying to look at. While the light is cool and all, I was really hoping to use the money for the bills that need taken care of. I felt a little let down by my own actions.

The next thing that made me depressed was that work called and told me that I didn't have to come in. The winter is already bringing down my hours, and it really sucks. I'm thinking of applying for partial unemployment, but I don't want to feel like a charity case. I'm going to have to ask the GM for more hours soon.

Next, I also ended up locking myself out of my apartment. I had left my keys in Josh's car, and he had already went to work by the time I realized what I had done. So I just went to Billy's to waste the day away.

But there's one thing that made everything alright...Sarah. When she called, and I heard her voice, everything didn't seem so bad anymore. It's like her voice has some power to banish whatever troubles I have and calm me down. I love her very much, and I do my best not to take her for granted. I remember that Billy once told me "Matt, if I had a girl as dedicated a Sarah is to you, I'd be happy." Suffice to say I'm envied a little bit, but I'm still humble. It takes work, and dedication to keep this kind of relationship alive, but most important, there's a lot of love.

Alright, have to get going for now. Might edit this later.

Sarah's Humble Ninja,
Matthew

Matt: "Hey, we crossed one thing off the list, now we need a couple tousand more dollars to take care of the rest."

Kain: "Take a moment to appreciate who you're with right now, you can never overdo it with how much you love them."

"Hide behind your walls, of maybe nevers...if you're afraid to fight, then I guess you never will."
-Three Doors Down

]]> ~Exotice1911 http://Exotice1911.deviantart.com/journal/28478284/ http://Exotice1911.deviantart.com/journal/28478284/ Fri, 20 Nov 2009 22:11:44 PST
But when she told me what it was, it was something that amazed me beyond belief. It shocked me because it was something that I was not willing to talk with anyone about, and it wasn't something I brought up to her. When I heard her, I didn't even feel the instinct to deny it, because I trust her.

Not only that, but last night, a lot of healing took place because of that. There's still a lot of time that has to be taken to fix things, yet there's a lot more hope now then there ever was. It's a big difference between now and just a few days ago.

I'm not sure how she figured it out, but it's a huge relief to me that she knows me well enough to have found out.

I'm not telling anyone because it's something that would make everyone I know think differently of me. This kind of thing has always been hard on me, and something I rejected for most of my life after a few things happened long ago. Something that I pushed away and left in the back of my mind, far away from surface thoughts, not letting anyone hear or see signs of it out of me. But it's there. Like I said, only Sarah could guess it.

I'm going to go now, I have some reading to do.

...and NO I'M NOT GAY!! Just in case any of you were scratching your chins...

Sarah's even more humbled ninja,
Matthew

Matt: "DAMMIT THAT'S CLASSIFIED!!! SHIT!"

Kain: "Hey, if helps, it's not so bad."

"...the light that I see in your eyes will burn there always lit by the love we have shared before time."
-Coco Lee - A love before time

]]> ~Exotice1911 http://Exotice1911.deviantart.com/journal/28460810/ http://Exotice1911.deviantart.com/journal/28460810/ Thu, 19 Nov 2009 22:53:22 PST
Sarah's Humble Ninja,
Matthew

Matt: "So does that mean we can have our end quotes back? This mute bullshit is getting old!"

Kain: "I'd say yes, you've open trap and not had your ass handed to you, so yeah."

"I can see them everywhere they're all around me they're waiting for me, descending, unrelenting, beauty of annihilation looks like your prophet was mistaken."
-Elena Seigman, Beauty of Annihilation

]]> ~Exotice1911 http://Exotice1911.deviantart.com/journal/28425471/ http://Exotice1911.deviantart.com/journal/28425471/ Wed, 18 Nov 2009 01:12:16 PST
I'm feeling a bit better, but I still feel sick. I haven't really been eating, and whatever I eat, I end up throwing up because it seems to upset my stomach. If I don't toss it, I induce vomiting myself because if not, see above. I'm just so depressed because I thought this was finally going to be it. Is this how I'm meant to be? Always close enough to have someone forever, then lose them over some stupid mistake I make? A lifetime of working, trying, and when I least expect it, it all is ripped away from me.

I miss her, even though we still talk, I'm afraid of saying something to push her away.

I don't want to be alone again, when I'm alone, I feel like I'm asleep, not able to be me anymore. No one to hold me or love me. I'm trapped in a constant nightmare where I can't speak to those closest to me, even though they are right next to me. I close up, and I don't want to speak to the people I hang out with. I remember being right beside Kevin, and wanting to burst into tears because I didn't feel I was in touch with my friends anymore. But I just keep calm, and don't speak very much. I can't stand the thought of searching again, I've worked too hard, and I have no reason to try again. Sarah was my last hope, and now I'm forced to face reality, that I'm alone again.

When she first told me that it was over, I did something that almost took my life, and I'm not proud of it. I'm going to have to lock up my guns if I'm going to be depressed. When she told me a second time, I broke down all over again. I tried so hard not to let my roommate see me, but he saw me as I first started to break down, now he's worried about me. I'm so ashamed to cry in front of my friends. I even shut the lights off as I broke down because I didn't want to cry in the light. I'm afraid that the neighbors downstairs heard me sobbing. I can't even face my own friends anymore. Speaking of which...

I'm sorry to you guys about what I said in my last journal, I barely have control over my own mind and body as it is. I said something that pissed off a couple of you, and I'm ashamed of it. My mind goes through so many different moods when this happens.

Now that she's asleep and she doesn't seem to want to talk to me right now, I'm alone in this room, with a space heater, my laptop and my cell phone to keep me company. But no one's online, no one's awake, and I can't stand the silence. I have red vs blue playing in the background, even though I'm not really watching it. I need something playing to bring a little bit of life to this small room. But it doesn't help that much. These walls make me feel so trapped, even though I have the key. I'm just so damn lonely...

I want to go to sleep, but I am not even close to being tired. Somehow I've been able to avoid crying, but I know that's going to happen again sooner or later. I've lost my appetite, and I can't think straight.

I want to cry out, but that's not going to do much, I want to talk to Sarah again, but I think she'd rather sleep. Why did I fuck this up? I wish I had another chance, she deserved better. In the end, I'm the one who fucks up, and loses in the end. I just trip at the finish line.

I can't really get much done here anymore. I want someone to hold me right now...but I'm alone again.

Orphened Lonely Ninja,
Matthew

Matt: "..."

Kain: "..."

"Lately I've been hard to reach, I've been too long on my own, everybody has a private world where they can be alone. Are you calling me? Are you trying to get through? Are you reaching out for me? Like I'm reaching out for you?

One way conversations, going on inside my head, everybody has a secret world where too much is unsaid. Are you calling me? Are you trying to get through? Are you reaching out for me? Like I'm reaching out for you?

Give me your hand, one touch is all that it takes, ain't it funny how just one touch is all that it takes to make up for all our mistakes?"

Paul Rodgers - Reaching Out

]]> ~Exotice1911 http://Exotice1911.deviantart.com/journal/28407056/ http://Exotice1911.deviantart.com/journal/28407056/ Tue, 17 Nov 2009 02:27:09 PST
Though I walk with an era of confidence, and speak with a tongue of dominance, it's really just a show. Like a gorilla beating it's chest, or a dog showing it's teeth. I'm actually quite insecure. So many things I don't want to show people, and sometimes when I would talk to Sarah, that face of mine would bleed over the important things that we would talk about. I may be sarcastic, but that's me hiding from everyone. I'm just as creative as I act, but I'm really not as hostile I seem. All my life I had been the kid everyone picked on, and had very few friends to call my own up to the senior year of high school where people finally start to straighten up. All the way up to where I could finally breathe a sigh of relief.

When Sarah came into my life, everything before finally settled. I could speak freely to her, and she welcomed me with open arms. But the thing is, I still keep a face for most of the people around me. What happened was that I had to put that face on for a long time without her. The 'me' that everyone was supposed to see, not being the real me, was starting to tear away at who I really was. It was actually painful for me to step outside myself and watch it happen. Because when something interesting happened to me at work, or throughout my day, something that I would talk to Sarah about, somehow, it wouldn't come out. Because by the time we got into the actual conversation, we were fighting. The face was being put up to her, and she didn't deserve that. I myself was trying to get away from the face, because it scared me half to death. I didn't feel pain, or fear, the kind of things that make you think twice before doing something stupid. Hell, I myself was trying to bring back what little tears I could, which is why I tried so hard to think about my mom, because I wanted to feel human again, I wanted to be me.

What Sarah did saved me.

But there's one problem...when fights happen between couples, I feel sometimes like everyone wants to blame the male. No matter what...

I feel like there's some sort of animosity toward me now from some of our old friends, and now I don't feel welcome to talk to them. They are mad at Sarah for even coming back to me, and I'm afraid to try and fathom what they feel for me right now. Why is it that it's always the male who's hated first? I've had friends turn against me before, but when they do it in favor of some sort of double standard, it really hurts. Something happens between a couple, and automatically the guy is the bad guy. While the girl enjoys the luxury of having the whole world back her up, even some of the guys original friends. Sarah and I have worked things out, and are starting over, but now I feel a bit more alone...a lot more. There's a couple people who I'm afraid to even speak to just because they know both of us personally.

In a divorce, or a breakup, a girl takes more then just half of everything. The man loses friends, status, dignity, credibility. No one wants to listen to his side of the story, nor do they want to be there for him. Believe it or not, us guys take it harder then a girl. But we aren't allowed to be cared for, because everyone wants us to be the bad guy. A woman doesn't appear as threatening, in fact, she's looks so harmless. But just because a man is a bit taller, he's told that he's in the wrong. The arms that used to protect her are now everyone's reason to hate him. Are equal rights and equal treatment the same? Hell no. But when it all comes down to it, everyone needs a scapegoat.

Now after what happened today, Sarah's my only real friend whom I can talk to. I'm going to give DA a break for a bit, not sure how long that'll be. I might leave it altogether. I just don't know. Though Sarah came back, things are still fragile, and I'm now walking on eggshells when I talk to her, afraid of saying the wrong thing, or doing something that'll make her want to leave me again. I'm making a genuine effort to calm down, but it'll take a bit. Though my hands have stopped trembling. All this bullshit made me actually curl up into the fetal position to cry, which I haven't done in years.

I won't lie, I did need some sort of pain to bring me back and remind me I'm human, but some things still hurt, and now it feels like I'm hated again, just for being alive, just like when I was growing up.

I don't want anyone to hate Sarah, it's just that I don't want anyone to hate me. But I doubt that anyone who matters actually reads t... ]]> ~Exotice1911 http://Exotice1911.deviantart.com/journal/28400973/ http://Exotice1911.deviantart.com/journal/28400973/ Mon, 16 Nov 2009 18:04:03 PST
I love her so much! I love you, Sarah

]]> ~Exotice1911 http://Exotice1911.deviantart.com/journal/28323427/ http://Exotice1911.deviantart.com/journal/28323427/ Thu, 12 Nov 2009 21:52:15 PST
Billy's suddenly inspired to write his own fallout 3 fanfic, but there's one little problem. I don't think he really knows the difference between being a fan, and a writer. He's always had ideas to write stories, but he only seems to get a little bit of gratification from just talking about writing, rather then actually doing it. I've only seen him post one chapter in a fanfic, and it got reviewed, but he never came back to it, and I doubt he'd remember it at all. He seems to only want to read, and not write...oh well.

I didn't work on it yesterday because we spent Veteran's Day shooting off nearly 1000 rounds of ammunition at my house. All with Josh's M44 Mosin Nagant, his Hi-Point 380, and his Hi Point Carbine, Billy's USP, HVDL-15, USP, and Cz 52, my XD45, my Cobra Force Pump 12, and my crossbow. Lots of fun.

Not really much explanation for why I tend to drop off the radar, just busy with work. Going to get to reading now.

Sarah's Humble Ninja,
Matthew

Matt: "You know, every time you forget to clean your firearm, you deserved to be forced to do 20 pushups? Yeah, you DESERVE IT!"

Kain: "Alright, there's some steps to retrace now."

"Fucking communists, can't make a fucking rifle!!"
-Me bitching while trying to unjam the Mosin Nagant while the bolt was sticking (it's famous for doing that)

]]> ~Exotice1911 http://Exotice1911.deviantart.com/journal/28229735/ http://Exotice1911.deviantart.com/journal/28229735/ Mon, 09 Nov 2009 02:22:21 PST
But anyway...

I have the inspiration to work on it again because now I have the time since I have my own apartment again. But I need a decent PC to play it on, and my vista laptop has not worked for a really long frikin time. So I think I might use my roommate's PC since he's at work most of the time. Only problem is that I just don't feel right using someone else's PC. But he wouldn't mind.

I have to reread it, and bite the bullet in terms of editing and correcting. Recently I sent someone the URL to it on fanfiction.net, and realized how bad of an idea that was because of all the errors that I left behind. But hey, if I can get the time to play Oblivion, and get back to writing, I'll be fine. Also I need to grab my sketchbook and put it to use again. I miss the days back in 07 when all I had was time, course I could always make time here. In the winter, I'm going to have nothing but time, especially with how much they are going to be cutting back my hours at the restaurant. They don't like to pay for labor they need during that time, so go fig.

Alright, just a heads up to what few fans of my fic I had left, going to get something done now, night.

Sarah's Humble Ninja,
Matthew

Matt: "So, does it bother you that the entire archived material folder you have is about 50 miles away in a small cabin in the woods?"

Kain: "Maybe the story will actually move a bit quicker, and be less messy."

"So I asked a liberal if he wanted to go shooting with me. He said "No, I'm leftist, I can't shoot." So I said to him, 'well, it's good you've come to terms with your disability.'"
Me

]]> ~Exotice1911 http://Exotice1911.deviantart.com/journal/28189398/ http://Exotice1911.deviantart.com/journal/28189398/ Fri, 06 Nov 2009 23:46:32 PST
Nothing can really replace the feeling of where I actually feel like I live. It's strange, you can have land, you can have a place to go every night, but there's really only one place where your soul feels like it belongs. The property that's about twenty miles outside of town, the pine tree farm. I feel like I should be there every night.

I grew up in those four walls, and I always feel like that's the place where I sleep soundly. So much has happened there, and so many memories took place there. I grew up hating that place, but as I got older, and reached adulthood, I found myself appreciating it more and more. I haven't slept in my 'real' bed in over a month, and I feel so homesick.

But even when I go there, something always feels like it's missing. Those of you who know me intimately know full well what it could be, it's my mom.

I know I told myself that I wouldn't think about her, that I would push everything out of my memory. For a long time, I was able to do that, but I'd be lying if I said that she didn't come up in my mind once in a while. I really did put so much effort into forgetting about her, even down to forgetting her name. But honestly, who am I kidding? The mind blocks out traumatic events, but some things are embedded permanently.

Kevin still honks his horn when we drive by her cross on the side of the road, even if I don't. I still try not to look at her pictures, but when I hear one of her favorite songs play on the radio, I have to stop and block out the flood of incoming memories that I know would slow me down. It comes as a tiny ping in the back of my mind, like an alarm bell that tells me to think about something else quickly. I guess I've been spending four and a half years doing my best to lie to myself.

You think that someone's going to be there through most of your life, then one day you come home and they're gone forever, how do you move on from something like that? I wonder what she would think of how far I've come? Would she be proud of me? What would she think of Sarah? Would she want to help me get a Harley since she like them too? What would be different? How much different would things be? What would she think of my artwork? Would she read my fanfic? Would she want to know what all I'm doing? If I told her that I would drive that day, she'd be still alive. I waited for her to come home, but when she didn't come back, I just left.

Even now I fight back tears as I dig deep just to think about her. I try not to blame myself when I knew that I shouldn't have let her drive, but what else can I do? She was just supposed to bring her truck back down to the driveway, not leave. I expected her to be back in half an hour, but three hours later, I had to leave for work. She was supposed to come home. She wasn't supposed to be out, she had just worked an all nighter. She was too tired to drive, much less by herself. It was my fault.

I never did apologize to my dad for yelling at him that night he broke the news to me. I've lost track of the porcelain doll that I bought for her, and I forgot how to play her favorite song on guitar, hell I've forgotten how to play guitar. Now I'm not sure I'd want to let her see me now. I'm going to just end this journal now before I get any more depressed. Forget the endquotes and such, Goodbye for now.

]]> ~Exotice1911 http://Exotice1911.deviantart.com/journal/28136362/ http://Exotice1911.deviantart.com/journal/28136362/ Wed, 04 Nov 2009 02:54:19 PST
Here's a bit of news I might have forgotten to mention. I'm going back to my karate class, after being gone for over a full year. The reason why I left last time was because I was weak. Not in body, but in spirit.

I still missed you-know-who a little, and during classes I used to expect to see her smiling like I was used to long ago. But that was something that I could handle, even if it did depress me. Then one day before class, I saw her there. She was sitting beside Sensei's desk and she refused to make eye contact with me. I didn't stick around long. In fact, I never came back. Hell, I didn't even plan on coming back ever again. My heart just couldn't take it. I'm pretty sure she made herself scarce as well, but I couldn't take the chance. I had to get the hell away from anything that would make what still hurt any worse.

Course, that was just a few days before Sarah and I got together. Fast forward to a year later. I was mindlessly surfing youtube and found that I had some martial arts vids in my favs still. It started to bring back memories of my training from way back. I found myself wishing I was actively training again. Course, it just so happened to be on a Tuesday, and it just so happened to be about half an hour before class. I decided to watch that days session just to see what all I had missed.

After watching half the class go by, I decided to spar with one of my old classmates who happened to finally be a black belt. He was amazing, just a year ago he was only purple, and still working at it. Now his defense was nearly impenetrable. But what impressed me more was how fast I was able to move. I was able to reach into openings I couldn't before, and get myself out of harms way faster then I ever could. I don't attribute that to skill, I feel that it was the less body fat that my body was lugging around. After all, how else could I move with such ease? I was still sloppy from not training though. But I had a renewed sense of where I was, and felt compelled to get back to work. Two days later I was back with the class in uniform and it felt like I was back home in a sense. But with a couple pluses!

First off, You-know-who was nowhere to be seen, and I heard that she hadn't been back in a long time, which made me happy. It's not that I would be afraid to see her again, It's just that I don't want to give my territory to her...ever. Not only that, but my former 'friend' who mocked me a few months ago who I deleted hasn't been back either. Much to my dismay in a small way because I'd love to 'spar' with him again. Second, there's a lot more dedicated students. The one's who really pay a lot of attention actually seem to be interested in what they are doing, only the kids slack off, and there's a lot more dicipline in the crowd. Hell, a couple of the kids who are just joining don't seem to want to miss anything. It's like they actually WANT to learn, rather then just show up for the sake of showing up. There's even a man who's part of a local gun club who can get me to a concealed carry course a bit quicker.

I'm going to get my CCW permit now since I'm putting off joining the army. After all, I have to have my sidearm, and open carry can only go so far without someone whining and bitching about it being out in the open. Truthfully, I do get a little nervous at the thought of people trying to pull a "Scooby Doo" when they see my XD on my side.

The "Scooby Doo" Behavior is when someone believes they see something wrong, and decides to call the police first thing long before they take a moment to examine what's really going on. Because most people mentally portray themselves as heroic and righteous, so when they see a moment to be "heroic" they try to catch someone doing something wrong, and end up in trouble themselves. Which is what happens to some people who open carry. But most often times, that ends in the caller suddenly getting a reality check, the city getting a lawsuit(which they inevitably lose), and a long day of hassle for the guy (or girl) who was carrying.

Hell, if it does happen to me, I could use the money in this shitty economy.

But in other news. My roommate has been opening up to me in the few hours that we get to interact in the morning. He is definitely going to feel it when I have him dieting and exercising, but I expect him to lose weight faster then me. I'd have him come to Karate class if his schedule allowed for it.

Also, I can only show up to Karate class once a week now. The Sarah that I work with got herself fired for a pretty stupid reason. First, she didn't show up on a day she was supposed to cover for me. I got a call from Billy to go to her apartment that was just a couple str... ]]> ~Exotice1911 http://Exotice1911.deviantart.com/journal/28057419/ http://Exotice1911.deviantart.com/journal/28057419/ Sat, 31 Oct 2009 03:24:14 PDT
Kevin and Billy need me as a designated driver for the block party they are going to tonight. Honestly, I don't want to go, but I can't let them try to drive home drunk. That, and as the alcohol kicks in, I'm going to have to lift Billy's sidearm so that it's not on him when he's intoxicated, not that he would ever reach for it, but someone else might. I'm going to be carrying my XD openly, which is perfectly legal in this state, and considering where we are going and the crime rate there, it's a pretty damn good idea. We'll probably meet up with my old friend Hallie, who will no doubt be happy to see us all again. But it still sucks to be amongst a bunch of drunks while you're the only one sober. But again, someone's go to babysit.

I let my roommate play Fallout 3 for the first time, and he found himself locked up in the world of the game, not even bothering to look away for about 14 hours as I went to sleep, got up, went to work, and came back. He spent his entire day off playing it when he wasn't paying the bills. It was probably a bad thing to hand it to him since I'm trying to pull him away from his computer desk. But I haven't really started to work with him yet. I told him that I'm going to give him two weeks to indulge and enjoy all the food he wants before I start having him work out with me. He seems to be okay with that. There's a small weight set sitting in the corner of his closet that goes up to 40lbs. I think that might work if I can't get him to take the three block walk to Kevin's. Not only that, but push-ups, sit-ups, and jogging are going to be big things since that's what the army has you do most of the time.

He seems understandably distant. I'm the first human other then him to be in this small place for years, and so I can understand that he's going to be slightly edgy about me being in his territory, but he does enjoy the conversation. Mostly he apologizes for holding me up if he thinks that my attention is obligatory. In due time, he'll be at ease, and he won't have to feel so tense. That's why it's a good thing that I'm giving a couple weeks before we even start working on his weight.

I just hope that he's going to be okay on the drive home from work. When I said he's pulling a double shift, he's going to be working 24 hours straight. Holiday pay, and ovetime will probably pay for the repairs to his car. Which is something that he has been talking about. At least he's got that discipline. But I wonder if that's the first bit of self-discipline he's had for a long time. Either way, it's a good sign. He's at least got his priorities straight.

My back is hurting now from hunching over this laptop, and I'm getting tired, so I'm going to close this journal and get some rest. I have a long day ahead of me tomorrow.

Sarah's Humble Ninja,
Matthew

Matt: "Dammit, do I have to keep these guys on a leash?"

Kain: "Try not to break too big a sweat."

"Japan, land of the pedophiles! I'm going to hell!"
-Me

]]> ~Exotice1911 http://Exotice1911.deviantart.com/journal/28039674/ http://Exotice1911.deviantart.com/journal/28039674/ Fri, 30 Oct 2009 02:41:58 PDT
Those of you who read my journals long ago before I cleaned them all out would remember that I used to be trapped at Kevin's for days, most often times weeks with no way to get back home (mostly due to him not wanting me to leave). Well, I had been trapped at his house yet again for about three days, and one morning, I just up and went for a walk around town at about 3am just to clear my head.

For the last couple months I've been bouncing back and forth between Kevin and Billy's houses just to make sure that I'm in town to make it to work so I can actually keep my job. During my walk I was starting to get depressed over the fact that I'm tired of squatting like that because it makes me feel like a homeless bum. Then an idea struck me, I had a friend who was living by himself with his own apartment, and I figured that maybe he wouldn't mind me moving in and paying a part of the rent. To my amazement, he said yes with no hesitation when I asked. Josh is his name.

Little did I know that I was pretty much the only social interaction with people that he really had. So when I walked into his apartment, I was shocked at the mess that greeted me. There was trash everywhere, and the place was lacking in furniture, except for an office chair, a TV stand, and a computer desk. He said I was the first visitor in over a year and a half in the two and a half years he's lived here, and thus he never really went out of his way to do any cleaning. Hell, this guy didn't even sleep on a bed, just a little bedding pad that he would lay on at night and cover himself with a coat. Here's an even bigger shocker, he makes about $20,000 a year!! His motivation in life was gone, and he had confessed that he had contemplated suicide, and attempted it once or twice!! He's 300lbs overweight because he consumes about 5,000 calories a day and doesn't exercise!! No wonder his self-esteem is so god damn low!

I couldn't believe how fucked up things became for the poor guy. His dignity is pretty much non-existent. He really was alone in life. So I weighed a few things on my mind for a bit, and made a very big decision:

I'm going to put off joining the army for about a year to help Josh out. I can't just leave him like this, with no dignity, no self esteem, and not a friend in the world. No, I can't do that. I graduated with him, and he's a very different person then he was back then. Actually, come to think of it, he didn't graduate at all, he got a GED, which I'm going to leave out that story because it's something that I'd rather he nor I never remember. (it's something he deeply regrets, and thus it should fade away.) I was in his position once, and there's no way in hell I can watch him suffer.

I helped clean his apartment, and though it's not really done yet, it's getting there. I'm going to help him lose his weight, after all, I lost quite a bit of belly fat in just a couple months, and so I can easily see him losing quite a bit of weight the same way. He has some weights that we can work with, and he's within walking distance of Kevin's house, so getting to that garage/gym won't be a problem at all. That, and I'm going to try and have him hang out with Billy a bit, because they are both computer geeks, and they love anime. Billy works out, and thus that influence will help Josh keep a desire to work out. Josh wants a career in Law enforcement, no different from me. So I'm going to ask him what he thinks about going through the buddy program in the army with me as an MP, which will pretty much bypass a real need to go to college in turn for actual on the job police training.

This guy needs a friend, and I'm going to go out of my way to help him out, the same way Jeremy helped me out nearly two years ago. Sure it would be great for me if I left for the army immediately and got rid of my debts, and got everything I waited so long for, but Josh has attempted suicide, and even though he failed, he's still slowly killing himself off with his lonely lifestyle.

I haven't broke the news to Sarah just yet, but I only hope that she'll be okay with me putting the army on hold for a bit. Hell, she'll probably read this journal first, so Sarah, if you do read this before I tell you, I hope you're not going to be mad. I love you.

Alright, I'm going to close this journal now and get some sleep before I go to work.

Sarah's Humble Ninja,
Matthew

Matt: "HOLY SHIT!!! This guy might need a god damn MEDIC!!"

Kain: "Wow, he's going to need to get out more, make that a priority too."

"Hello, Crime Scene Clean Up, 'You pop 'em, we mop 'em'! "
-That's how I answer the phone.

]]> ~Exotice1911 http://Exotice1911.deviantart.com/journal/27989041/ http://Exotice1911.deviantart.com/journal/27989041/ Tue, 27 Oct 2009 03:34:59 PDT
It's amazing. It feels like I've undone half a decade of mistakes with just a few months of hard work. All that working out, all those push ups, the nights where I had to push my body just a little bit farther just because Kevin said we had to, it's paying off right before my eyes. I haven't bothered to stop onto a scale anymore. I don't even know how much I weigh, I'm going only by what I see when I look in the mirror, put on my belt, or look down at my feet. I've gotten rid of so much body fat, and replaced it with a little bit more muscle.

I almost cried tonight when I took another look in the mirror. This is the me I wanted back so badly, but just couldn't muster up the strength or the motivation to do it. But here I am...physically fit again. Like I was supposed to be.


A thought hit me pretty hard a few days ago when I was contemplating my future in the Army. There's a VERY big chance that I won't be coming back to this town after basic and AIT ever again. So far out of state and I won't have the time to come back and visit. Billy was lucky just to be stationed close to home, he got to choose just by some chance. But in the active branch, you go where you're needed.

I have a little bit more time to get things taken care of before I go since I'm waiting till after Christmas to leave, but that feeling of living on borrowed time is back again. It's the same feeling I had when I knew when I was going to be forced to go back home while I was in Columbus. I keep wondering if I should be using the time to get a little bit more physical training in, visit friends, or move what I need to my cabin. Whatever I choose, I know that it'll be the last thing I do for years in this town and that it needs to be done soon. Really I want to just quit my job now and walk into the recruiting station, take the ASVAP, and get my ass out of here. I want to get started so badly with changing my life rather then just talk about it.

It's strange though, I can't quite wrap my mind around the inevitability of me possibly never coming back here. I want to say that there's a lot of people I'm going to miss, but that week I spent alone with little to no human contact made me realize how well I can do even when that becomes a reality. It's not that I don't care about my friends, it's just that my mind tends to focus more on what I do, rather then the people around me anymore. Which would probably explain why I seem to be so numb to other people emotions sometimes. A good friend from work (Sarah is her name, oh the irony), complained that I never talk to her while I'm there anymore, that I just put on my headphones and therefore, unreachable, even when I'm right next to her. When I try to make an effort to talk, it feels like I'm guilty of trying to distract myself from the task at hand. I guess it might be the mindset needed to keep my focus when I'm doing my duty as a soldier.

Sometimes I get a bit depressed though when I realize that my desire to socialize is fading out and being replaced with a sudden urge to get something 'roductive' done. But I can't escape one simple fact: When I'm gone, I'm gone forever, not coming back.

I'm going to close this journal now, I have some sleep to catch up on. I probably won't update for a while, but I will update at least once before I'm gone. Goodbye for now.

Sarah's Humble Ninja,
Matthew

Matt: "Hey, less distraction actually gets a much better aimed shot"

Kain: "Sometimes some people need to wait, after all, patience is a virtue. At least there's still one person who's got the most attention."

"Hello, you've reached Donkey Trailers: Movin' fast cause we haul ass!"
-Me answering the phone at work.

]]> ~Exotice1911 http://Exotice1911.deviantart.com/journal/27847184/ http://Exotice1911.deviantart.com/journal/27847184/ Mon, 19 Oct 2009 02:41:25 PDT
I'm not depressed, or anything like that, just...distant. I think my little vacation had something to do with it, but I'm not sure. I've been getting less sleep by day, and I've learned to ignore the feeling of hunger. I barely remember what all I've done since I got back a few days ago.

Alright, I've figured it out...I've not been home for over two weeks. That's the problem. At least I think it is.

Also, I've been playing a little game of self-deception. There's a person who's artwork has my attention, but I personally don't like them. I don't think I'd actually be able to stand them at all, hell, I know I'd end up insulting them. But I do admire the effort that they put forth in what they've done, however I don't want to flatter them with any sort of complement. Strange, but they are more like a friend I don't want to make. Besides, I know the very nature of this person would only complicate things in my life, in a bad way, and again, I'd insult and ridicule them. There's only one person who I even WANT to talk to about it, but I have to wait. Somehow I fear even that conversation because of the possibility of giving the wrong idea to whom it concerns. Oh well, I'll face it when that time comes. Though I wish it were sooner, I've never been one to put off important things especially if they are difficult.

I have a lot more to say, but there's another reason why I don't update this journal as much anymore. The truth is, that there are certain people who are paying more attention to me then I'd like them to, and I don't want to hold their interest. These people know a lot of things they shouldn't, and I'm trying not to give them more to go on. If you think that this is directed toward you, don't worry, it's not you. However if you KNOW it's toward you, then understand that you've stepped a little too close, and you're not getting back in ever again. I'm not afraid, just annoyed, and that's why I keep this thing in the dark. In all honesty, my life is full of secrets, and that's why I can count on one hand how many people have gotten closer to me then just close.

The problem person/people are not those who I regularly talk to, so those who've talked to me in the last few weeks have nothing to worry about.

I used to pour my heart into this journal, it's sad that I refuse to do that anymore. But maybe one day I won't have to double check everything I say anymore, till that day comes, goodbye for now.

Sarah's Humble Ninja,
Matthew

Matt: "Shit, this is going to take an assload of paperwork on top of a PR nightmare."

Kain: "A little honesty may sometimes be too much for some to handle, that's the trouble with those who live in a constant dreamland filter between them and reality."

"Sir, did something bad happen to you?"
-Unknown

]]> ~Exotice1911 http://Exotice1911.deviantart.com/journal/27792843/ http://Exotice1911.deviantart.com/journal/27792843/ Fri, 16 Oct 2009 06:52:35 PDT
If you see me logged in on Yahoo or AIM or even MSN, go ahead and send a message, I'm logged in on my cell phone, and I will most likely reply. Though it might take several hours due to me being at work.

Here's a few updates on what's going on in my life if any of you still wonder about me:

I've changed branches, I now am planning on joining the active branch of the Army rather then the reserves. I figured that the pay would be much better off, even if it only means that there would just be another set of bullshit I would be putting up with. Doesn't change the fact that I'll finally have the right to say "HOOAH!" for real. I still want to be an MP like before.

I've lost a lot of weight. Those of you who know me in person already know this, those of you who haven't seen me in a long time won't even recognize me, and those of you who haven't met me in person, well, you'll still like the new body. I've changed my diet, started watching what I eat, and work out as often as my time lets me. Who knew that diet and exercise actually work? I did, just never had the motivation to get back to it. I almost feel like I did when I was 19, and when I'm back to that old body of mine, I'm going to take better care of it. Even when I move around I notice that my clothes are a bit looser, my belt needs a hole poked in it, and I can see more of my feet, hell, I can even see more of my pantleg. I'm a fatass no more!! People have been noticing and complementing my progress. Funny thing though, I still weight the same, but it's all going straight to muscle. I like being stronger, and faster. Soon, combined with my outspoken sarcasm that I lost when my mom died, I'll be no different from who I was half a decade ago. I like being my old self, and I don't want to go away!

I don't really do a whole lot of updating because of the lack of time I have during the days and the nights anymore. I will find myself with maybe about 15 minutes of free time that I am unoccupied, and that's really the in between time when I'm done with everything from the day, and falling asleep. Sarah takes up most of that time, not that I mind, but a lot of things I used to do have gone stale. My fanfic barely gets an update, and I haven't touched my sketchbook in over a year. It's because half the time that I'm not working, Kevin is dragging me all over the state. I've literally been driven so much that I fear that sitting still might halt my calorie burning habits.

But in the last week however, I've been able to finally take a vacation from work and just sit at my cabin with no one to disturb me. Just me, an Xbox and my guns. No doubt that my afternoon of shooting didn't go unnoticed by the neighbors. Hope they aren't anti-gun assfucks, because if they are, then it's going to suck to be them! I literally avoided most human contact for as long as I could for the last five days. It felt great! No one to drag me all over the state, no one to ask me for help, no 21 year old manwhore who I have to babysit (that's Kevin), and best of all, nothing that was pending. Honestly though, five days wasn't enough. It didn't make up for the last few months of missing out on the things I used to enjoy. But I think I'll remedy that soon enough before I go do my time for Uncle Sam.

By the way, remember that former "friend" who tried to convince me NOT to join the military? Yeah, I owned her in a long ass message after she gave me a sob story of her problems, all of which could be solved just by signing up. But alas, as most anti-military people are, they have visions of servicemen and women all dying in a hail of gunfire and explosions for a cause they don't understand. She ignored my answers to her questions and asked them again with a slightly different wording, she never replied after I called her out on it. Little tip for those of you who hate the military: Wake up and get in the real world, it's not what you think it is! Don't give me the "I disagree with their methods" bullshit unless there's a rank with your name. But that's another rant for another day.

As of late, Sarah and I have been feeling a connection that seems to be almost supernatural. For lack of a better word, the best way to describe it is: intimate. Imagine someone who knows your deepest darkest secrets, and I'm not talking about your best friend, no, I'm meaning someone who knows about... ]]> ~Exotice1911 http://Exotice1911.deviantart.com/journal/27240552/ http://Exotice1911.deviantart.com/journal/27240552/ Wed, 16 Sep 2009 06:39:34 PDT
Sarah's Humble Ninja,
Matthew

Matt: "That one's easy...um...nevermind."

Kain: "It might have something to do with...will, life and power?"

"Life itself is will to power."
-Me

]]> ~Exotice1911 http://Exotice1911.deviantart.com/journal/27047135/ http://Exotice1911.deviantart.com/journal/27047135/ Sun, 06 Sep 2009 03:33:42 PDT
Here's the message itself, with the name removed:


*sigh* Ok, I read your blog. *huggles* I'm sorry if I sounded bitchy yesterday, but it really seems like all of my good friends are joining the military, and it seems like I keep having to add more people to my list of "people to worry about". I know, you said that there's no need to worry, but I can't help it. Wars scare me. People killing other people because of politics makes my head spin in not good ways. Thus, I've never been a fan of the military. I actually told my husband that I wouldn't marry him if he joined the service. I know it probably sounds selfish, but he made it clear that he wanted to do it for "us" and I wanted to make it clear that that wasn't the life I wanted for us, even if the money is good.

What does Sarah think of all this? I'm guessing she supports your decision. Does she know what it means to be an army wife? Do you know how long you're going to be in for? My uncle is a lifer, and sure they have a lot of money, and they get to travel and see the world, but I know the toll it takes on my aunt and their daughter. They life in Hawaii right now, which I'm sure is beautiful, but my uncle has been gone for basically 2 of the last 3 years. He missed his daughter's first words, first steps, and more recently, her first day of kindergarten. Sure, the kid gets pretty much anything that she wants (not in a spoiled way, she's really a great kid) but she misses her dad.

I'm not trying to talk you out of anything, that's not my place and this is your choice. But I don't know how many people you know that are on active duty, I don't know who you've talked to, and I want to make sure that you're getting all the facts, not just the rosy ones. You're right, the pay can be good, the benefits can be great, and I know that you can take care of yourself. But also keep in mind the numerous relocations, the extended tours, and the stress that a high risk job can place on your friends and family.

I'll support you in whatever choices you make in your life, regardless of whether I like them or not. I just want to make sure that you, and Sarah, know what you're getting into before everything is final. Because joining the military isn't something you can change your mind about after you're in.

Love always,

********

To start off, before this message was sent to me, she said I was "throwing myself in front of bullets". That is a direct insult to my decision, and to anyone else who has ever chosen to enlist to protect our country by keeping the fight on the other side of the world rather then right in our back door.

She seems to think I just made my decision out of nowhere. I've been thinking long and hard about this ever since was forced to come back home. I'm buried in debt, haven't been able to afford a car for years, have to pray that I make it to work, constantly bumming rides to get to where I need to be, making a hard choice between paying a debt collecter, helping my dad with bills, eating, or having clean clothes.

Washing dishes at a tourist attraction is not a steady job, and won't erase the debt I don't want Sarah to deal with. The only way out is to do what I've always wanted to do, join the military.

What pisses me off the most is that she says she supports my decision, but clearly her questions and her remark from before say otherwise. I have given this person a long ass angry reply, but I wonder if I should even give her the chance to get one more word in before I delete her from my contact lists.

Hell, I'll give her one last chance to redeem herself. But I doubt anything will come of it...

Sarah's humble ninja,
Matthew

Matt: "GOD DAMN BITCH NEEDS TO BE BACKHANDED ACROSS THAT PRETTY FACE OF HERS!!!"

Kain: "Someone restrain Matt. This kind of thing happens when people let fear rule their judgment."

"There's no such thing as a gangster in southeastern Ohio."
-Me

]]> ~Exotice1911 http://Exotice1911.deviantart.com/journal/26888052/ http://Exotice1911.deviantart.com/journal/26888052/ Sat, 29 Aug 2009 02:48:09 PDT
I always wanted to join the military, that was a given. But there was always something holding me back. When I was dating Caitlin, I knew that she would leave me after the first few weeks of me being in basic, but I couldn't bare that thought. When I went to ITT, I wanted to go into the Criminal Justice program so that I could move on to becoming a police officer. But I found out too quickly that I wouldn't be doing anything beyond sitting on my ass and doing papers for two years just to get my associates. Despite having good grades (nothing was below a B average), I made a mistake and quit going to my classes. Yeah, a dumbass move on my part, and after Caitlin left me, I was fucked up beyond fucked up. That probably would have been one of the worst time for me to join. It would take nearly two years for me to finally come to the decision to join.

I started to think about seriously talking to a recruiter when I got back from Columbus. There was not a whole lot going on in my life, I didn't have a job for several months, and I had debt collectors from Sallie Mae stalking me everywhere I went. Course, even that wasn't the final push.

I finally made up my mind a couple weeks ago actually, but I didn't quite speak up. Because I was still in the iffy stage where I would have backed out before anyone even knew what I wanted to do.

I love my fiance very much, and would do anything to make our lives as perfect as possible. So I decided to make use of a cabin that was left in my and my sisters names when my mother died. My dad had made some improvements, but that piece of property was little more then just a hideout that would get a visit once every other month or so from anyone. I realized how precious that owning land really was, and finally talked to each of my siblings about the idea of me living in it. For the most part, they are okay with it. I just had to get them to realize that I wasn't trying to take it all myself, it just meant that someone would be living in it. After all, the purpose of that house was to give a place for any of us to stay if we really needed it.

But the cabin still needs a lot of work done, and that work takes money, lots of it. It was one thing to talk about fixing it up, I had no real place to make the funds to do it. This is a capitalist society after all, you don't just get something because someone else has it, you have to earn it. Washing dishes for a small restaurant that made its money heavily off of tourism was not going to get me very far, especially when I'm trying to pay off nearly ten grand in student loans for an education that I will never receive. The fall is approaching, which means that my hours are going to be cut soon, in fact, I've already gone from one week of nearly hitting overtime to having just under 20 hours. I still have an impossible payment to make to a worthless student loan company every month, and if I don't get rid of it soon, it will follow me for the rest of my life only building interest unless the company goes under. Not only that, but I can't bring Sarah into a life of an unjustly debt from a past mistake, that would be unfair.

A job that's about to leave me with very little, a house that needs work if I'm to live in it, and a fiance who doesn't deserve anything less then the best in life, all at the mercy of a crooked loan company. I had to make this choice now.

The money alone was a big motivator. The pay a soldier makes while on active duty is more then enough to clear my debt in just a matter of months. Not only that, but to be able to afford a decent vehicle, and make the improvements to the cabin is something I thought was impossible, and to realize that small dream would make me happy. The medical benefits that follow me for the rest of my life would cure me of any worry that I have of my health. I've been afraid to see a doctor for nearly three years due to my fear as to what I would hear. I wanted to become a police officer, that's why I went to ITT, but the training I would receive as an MP would be a more direct help to my field rather then just sitting on my ass reading books and doing papers for two years. Last but not least, it would mean that Sarah has a respectable person whom she can call her husband, rather then someone who's somehow got by living off of borrowed time.

All in all, this is a change in my life that I really need to make.

Something that caught me completely off guard though was my dad's reaction. All my life my father has never approved of AN... ]]> ~Exotice1911 http://Exotice1911.deviantart.com/journal/26847347/ http://Exotice1911.deviantart.com/journal/26847347/ Wed, 26 Aug 2009 23:01:16 PDT
This is the forth visit for me out here after years of not really giving a shit about this place. Believe it or not, I once hated this little cottage. Growing up, I hated coming here, even though everyone else didn't mind. But fifteen years later, it is one of the ways I intend to make my permanent place in this world. I want to live here.

Kevin has been more enthusiastic about cleaning this place up then I have, but I think that's because he wanted to get the hell away from home for a while. He's done most of the work so far.

When I finally found the end for the lights that were strung out along the rail on the deck and turned them on, I almost wanted to cry. I know it sounds kinda pathetic, but that was one of the most beautiful sights I had ever seen. My own house, my place to live that I don't have to worry about losing, no more rent to have to worry about, no morgage, no landlords, no neighbors to complain about noise I'm not actually making, no one watching my door for me to leave, no more overcrowded, overpriced, crime infested dump without trees. Just a small house in the middle of the woods away from civilization that I can call home. Hell, I'm crying right now.

I finally picked up my IDE/SATA to USB adapter from Computer Works and got it working with my laptop. So now I can use my old hard drives again. When I opened up the one from the HP that I had when I was up in Columbus, I was in for a shock. It's not that I had lost anything, no quite the opposite, I forgot what was still on all these old machines. The pictures, music and videos brought back memories that overwhelmed me like I just kicked open a backdraft door. Hell, I even still had some old files that you guys who talked to me in hard times sent me. Drawings, songs, pics, poems, whatever it was I found had a small moment attached to it that was lost deep in the back of my mind, I began to feel the tears wanting to swell up in my eyes.

I had left all of those memories behind when I finally started to get my life back together. In other words, those of you who still read my journal, and still talk to me once in a great while, are the the one's who held my head when I was going through hell and back, twice. I miss you guys, and even though I don't get talk to you as much anymore, you still held an important place in history for me.

Then, I finally ran into a bunch of pictures of someone who had hurt me badly a long time ago, someone who left me in such a bad shape that they were the very reason I was so fucked up that you guys had to help me out. I looked at her pictures and even though the memories came back, the anger I used to hold on to didn't. I already knew this, but I am not mad at her anymore. I remember I used to be so pissed because I wanted answers from her that I thought I would never get. But now I do have my answers, and I understand completely that the fault wasn't hers, nor was it mine. That's why I'm not angry anymore. In fact, maybe the ending that she gave me was what I needed, after all, I never would have been here in this room working on making this house livable if it hadn't been for her setting the right chain of events in motion that brought me here. Hell, I would go as far as to thank her for what she did if we were still on speaking terms.

Because of her I have a much clearer head nowadays, and a greater appreciation for what I have, and who I know still. It just took my head being knocked every which way to keep me from obsessing over myself.

There are some of you who know who I'm talking about, and I ask that you point her to this journal. She'll never want to talk to me again, and I understand, but I want her to know that I'm thankful for her giving me a chance to start over. I'll admit, I'd like to see her again to say it, but see above.

For now, I'm going to enjoy the fiance that I have, the house I'm working on, the friends I have, and the things I do. Because that's what I have to live for.

I love you guys, I love you, Sarah, thank you for saying yes.

Sarah's Humble Ninja,
Matthew

Matt: "So...does that mean that you might take your old job back!?"

Kain: "Aww, something nice to say after all that's said and done."

"Every drop of flame lights a candle in memory of the one who lived inside my skin. I can tell you why people go insane, I can show you how you could do the same, I can tell you why the end will never come..."
-Audioslave - Shadow on the Sun

]]> ~Exotice1911 http://Exotice1911.deviantart.com/journal/26684068/ http://Exotice1911.deviantart.com/journal/26684068/ Wed, 19 Aug 2009 01:51:04 PDT
I finally understand why everyone texts so much now. I find myself doing it throughout the day to keep in touch with Sarah, also, if you wonder why I'm logged into IM, yeah, that's my phone too. Since I have a full keyboard, I can chat as seemlessly as if I were on my laptop.

I'm about to sound like an infomercial right now, but I have to admit that this little device has made my life a lot easier. No more searching for an unsecured signal, no more keeping track of minutes on a prepaid cell, my back is no longer sore from lugging around my case like I always had been, this really has done so much for me.

Again, if you want my number, go ahead and ask, just don't give it out. I already ended up with one telemarketer the second day I had it, but it still doesn't ring but maybe once every three or four days because no one cares. Either way, want to keep in touch? Let me know.

Sarah's Humble Ninja,
Matthew

Matt: "Oh shit, something else to not completely know how to work."

Kain: "The summer is beautiful amid the presence of thinner straps and shorter shorts!"

"Hitler said I am too hateful."
--Matt

]]> ~Exotice1911 http://Exotice1911.deviantart.com/journal/26588525/ http://Exotice1911.deviantart.com/journal/26588525/ Fri, 14 Aug 2009 11:45:18 PDT
I am using Kevin's old Sidekick from Tmobile. I lost my old prepaid cell for a few days, and so I carried my old one around in case of an emergency (all cell phones have to be able to make emergancy calls nowadays). So I activated Kevin's sidekick (he switched to a different provider), and took the second line that comes with it and gave it to my sister with a cameraphone that she wanted.

Since I can browse the internet, listen to music, chat with you guys on IM, and still get ahold of Kevin or Billy, get a picture of things that get my attention, I have a reason to leave my laptop case in the trunk. All this thing needs is a barrel and a trigger, and it would be the perfect do it all device. It's actually been a big help for me in the last couple days. The bill is quite a bit, but my sister is helping me pay for it, and she was extremely happy when I gave her the phone she wanted.

If you guys want the number, PM me, I have unlimited texting, so text all you want, also I get picture messaging.

Sarah's Humble Ninja,
Matt

Matt: "Well, with the absence of that bag on the back, that will be less I weigh."

Kain: "Uh oh, sounds like there's going to be a VERY full inbox soon."


"If I wanted to hear an asshole I would have farted!"
-Keith Markin

]]> ~Exotice1911 http://Exotice1911.deviantart.com/journal/26495292/ http://Exotice1911.deviantart.com/journal/26495292/ Sun, 09 Aug 2009 23:54:31 PDT
I'm a bit grouchy, I've worked ten days straight without a day off, I haven't eaten in over a day, I've not showered in at least three or four, I lost my cell phone, and last but not least, my boss is slowly turning into a complete asshole. My discipline is having a bit of trouble holding up at this point.

This update is going to be a little bit short at this point. I'm just venting through a few sentences.

Screw it, I'm just going to end this journal now, turn on Kevin's xbox, and start killing anyone dressed in an expensive suit in Liberty City.

Sarah's Highly pissed off...something.
Matthew

Matt: "Hmm, isn't it kinda ironic that violent crime began to decline for a bit when violent video games first started to flood the market?"

Kain: "It sounds like someone needs a shower, a big meal and a massage."

"...the beauty of annihilation, looks like your prophet was mistaken..."
Elena Siegman - Beauty of Annihilation

]]> ~Exotice1911 http://Exotice1911.deviantart.com/journal/26142700/ http://Exotice1911.deviantart.com/journal/26142700/ Fri, 24 Jul 2009 02:28:23 PDT
Today, I turn 23, not sure how it happened. Just a couple years ago I was listening to these same songs thinking I'd never reach this age. But now when I look at my ID, it starts to dawn on me that I'm 'old' now. My metabolism has slowed down a bit, I can't stay up as long as I used to, my music is played really low, can't eat the same way I could before, and I'm actually reading the news. No more then five years ago, I was so ready and curious about the world, now I could care less about half the things I used to love. I haven't been to my Karate class in nearly a year, my guitar still sits in my room collecting dust after not being played in almost two years, my sketchbook hasn't moved from the spot on my desk.

If I were to run into the 18 year old version of myself, that younger me would kick the shit out of me right now. I barely have time to pet my dog anymore. All I ever think about is work, and my paycheck. I even blew off my five year high school reunion. What the hell happened to me!?

I once wrote out all my apologies so that I could get a few things off my chest, now I think I owe me an apology for letting myself go. But I guess I traded that strong athletic body for years of hard earned experience of what reality really is. I will admit that I know a lot more now about how the world works then I would have cared to look into a few years ago, but to not be able to do the work of two of me like I used to is what gets me.

My only real insecurity anymore is that I secretly fear that I'm a bad worker at my job, despite the constant phrase from my bosses. That and I'm kicking myself for not cleaning my XD for the third week in a row...which I'm going to do after this journal entry...honest!

Alright, I'm going to quit ranting and finally post this before I say something profound, compelling, or anti-communist.

But on the plus side, I have a lot more control over things in my life that I couldn't grasp before. After learning the real value of hard work, I'm planning on rewarding myself next year with a Harley Davidson Sportster 883. Yeah...I have a confession to make...

Over the years, I've had these thoughts and feelings of something that would creep into my dreams. I couldn't control it, these urges, impulses. I knew what I wanted, but knew that if I didn't restrain it, my friends wouldn't think the same way of me. They know me one way for all my life, they would not know what to think of the me that always was there. I talked to one of my closest friends over it, and it turns out he was the same way! I was so happy that there was someone like minded! I confess, I've always wanted a Harley!

I grew up with my dad's 883 in the kitchen during the winter, and watching him leave on a bike trip with my mother once every summer. I envied him for it, and I myself always wanted one! But I kept my mouth shut, didn't think I could ever have one, but now times have changed. I'm able to get the things I want through hard work, which is a lesson that I wish I knew a couple years ago.

You guys may think of me differently now, but that's okay. I'm coming out of the closet, I'm a biker on the inside!

Which, now that I think about it, the biker look can withstand the test of time. Time to get started on saving up for mine!

Sarah's Humble Biker Ninja,
Matthew

Matt: "What could be more intimidating then a man dressed in black leather with a roaring beast between his legs?"

Kain: "Wow, I don't know what to say to that! Even I didn't see that coming!"

"Time served on the earth doesn't mean you grow in mind."
-Scott Stapp, Creed

]]> ~Exotice1911 http://Exotice1911.deviantart.com/journal/26079374/ http://Exotice1911.deviantart.com/journal/26079374/ Tue, 21 Jul 2009 03:34:26 PDT
Recently I passed by someone who I USED to call an old friend. I watched him off the corner of my eye as he jumped up to try and get my attention to say hi. I knew that for the first split second he was happy to see me, but I reached down and checked my cellphone to try and make myself seem as occupied as possible, anything to keep him from bothering me.

Now, anyone who knows me, knows that is something completely out of character of me, especially with someone who I used to miss, someone who lived and died with me so long ago. A bother who I finally reached adulthood beside of, and yet I took a little bit of pleasure in watching as he stopped himself from trying to call out to get my attention. He was probably a little bit hurt when he realized that I knew he was there, and just didn't give a shit. Here's an explanation.

At a critical time when I said something compelling, he mocked me without even asking what I meant, and on more then just one occasion. When someone you know makes a point that doesn't make sense, do you attack them, or do you question them? It's pretty obvious what he chose.

Now a very good friend a year ago is now dead to me. I refuse to take any of the blame. Though I'm sure I could have done something to save it, I'm also sure that it would have meant that I renounce all of my beliefs, and stab myself in the back. I'm not going to lie though, I do miss this friend, but some things can't be repaired.

I hate losing friends to time the most. In a way, I prefer to lose friends to a quarrel, because in that, there's closure. Though harsh words are passed, and there is a bitterness that lingers forever, there's no uncertainty about if it's possible to pick up where you left off, just an ending, an absolute. Course in this instance, it's a form of revenge. I've figured out who my friends are and who I should trust.

If by some act of whatever god is out there, that he is reading this, then here's a message he should take in: it's your fault, you mocked and insulted me, rather then asked me why I was so different. Since you didn't bother taking the time to try and understand what it was, what I meant, or even why I felt a certain way, then you deserve this lesson.

It's ironic though, that when I count the number of times that a loss of that kind of companion taught me a lot, my hand forms a peace sign.

Sarah's Humble Ninja,
Matthew

Matt: "Um, what's the opposite of radio silence?"

Kain: "Helps with conversation."

"You will surrender your TP for my bunghole!"
Bevis from Bevis and Butthead

]]> ~Exotice1911 http://Exotice1911.deviantart.com/journal/25974443/ http://Exotice1911.deviantart.com/journal/25974443/ Wed, 15 Jul 2009 22:26:25 PDT
Before I begin, I want to say that I think that ANY law put in place to prevent or deter crime should be highly influenced by the professional opinion of those who have to enforce the law. After all, does it not make sense that they are the one's who can say first hand what laws are working and what aren't? The executive branch, and the judicial branch of the government seem to be out of communication with the legislative branch when it comes to crime. People who've spent more time with their face buried in the television or in video games are more likely to make their decisions based on what they've seen through that stupid little window. Those are the one's who try and pass laws banning weapons they've seen in cop shows and action movies.

In my somewhat professional opinion, I think that the most effective tools and tactics for real combat or personal defense are the one's that are the least glamorized by Hollywood, and thus are the most overlooked.

For example, a switchblade knife is tabooed by red tape, yet tactically it's not a good choice for any kind of personal protection. Sure the "shink" sound of the blade coming out can be nice and intimidating, but only to those who are unaware that it's only a noise. Very few switchblades are stable enough to be used in a full on fight since the tang doesn't always go through the handle and thus it's likely to break. Also if there's no safety and all it takes is the press of a button to get the blade out, how is it that it's safe to carry in your pocket? You're more likely to stab or cut yourself then to get into a fight and be able to use it.

Next, my favorite, the balisong, or better known as the butterfly knife. It's almost impossible to get your hands on a good one, nearly all of them you find in any shop are only about ten or twenty bucks, and the phrase "you get what you pay for" holds true. It takes a lot of skill to be able to whip the blade out like you see in many martial arts movies, and even then, that's not exactly much more then a flashy intro saying "I have a knife". Again, noise and no tang. I can't begin to count the number of balisongs I've had worn out and fall apart just because I've played with them so much. Personally, I love to flip it out and around, tossing and catching, and impressing people anyone looking on. But would I ever use it in a fight? Hell no! The tang stops at the middle of the knife, and like I mentioned above, the quality of a balisong is only "you get what you pay for." I'm not planning on cutting a paycheck in half for a good one that is suitable for combat anytime soon. Yet a lot of states banned the carry or in extreme "California" cases, possession of such a bad tactical choice.

Then, there's nunchaku. If you know better, then don't EVER call them "Numb-chucks" or "Chucka sticks" in my presence, because I will punish you for it, I'll make you get out of my car and walk, I will tell you to get out of my house, I'll take your CD out of the player, I'll cancel all plans you have with me, I'll screen your number, I will shun you if you don't correct yourself! "Nunchucks" is fine, but don't ever rely on a tongue of ignorance to speak for a voice of intelligence. Two sticks tied together with a chain, and you swing them. California and New York have actually banned the possession! I have never seen or heard of them being used to commit any kind of assault. However, there was a bank robbery involving a robber knocking himself unconscious while trying to hold up a bank and was showing off. It takes skill to use them! Even amateurs will say "I'd knock myself out with those", when I show mine to someone who I think is okay for asking. Yet because they were glamorized by Bruce Lee, retarded people who know no better went out of their way to pass a law banning them in two states, and now there's a legal gray area tacked right on. In order to use them without hurting yourself, you have to dedicate countless hours of training and bruises. Who the hell is letting these laws pass?

Then there's firearms, oh I love guns, anyone who knows me, knows I love guns, and knows I will never give mine up. Not even for the sake of any whiny anti-gun Brady slogan shouting brainless assfuck who doesn't know what they are talking about. Trying to win a debate on gun-control with me is like trying to use a garden hose to put out a forest fire, it doesn't work, and you're a retard for trying. I will kick you out of my car, even if we're out of state, and several hundred miles from home, and it's best not to test that. Anyway, in al... ]]> ~Exotice1911 http://Exotice1911.deviantart.com/journal/25787639/ http://Exotice1911.deviantart.com/journal/25787639/ Tue, 07 Jul 2009 02:08:49 PDT
I've noticed that when I express my own personal opinion in any way, some people think that I really want to hear theirs, especially if it disagrees with mine. So I'm going to hold back on explaining anything.

But here's some things I stand firm on that won't (at first) piss anyone off:

Reward comes from hard work, and that reward belongs to the person who earns it.
Everyone should own up to their actions, words, and responsibilities and NOT run away from the consequences.
Be thankful for everything you have, because some people have nothing.
Take nothing for face value, dig deep.
Never put blame on anything but the person responsible.
Don't change who you are just to cater to the sensitivities of someone else.
Only those qualified in their field should be in charge of it.
Speak your words as if you'd write them down and sign them.
Trust only those who know they can't outrun you.
Never be unarmed.
It's okay to die for your career, but don't bleed for just a job.
A dog's love and loyalty is unquestionable.
Question a bold statement, rather then condemn it.
If someone calls you a fool, let your actions contradict their words.
An idea is no contender against an absolute.
Knowledge is a weapon more powerful then anyone realizes, and that knowledge itself is a weapon.
Don't curse the darkness, light a candle.
A good idea in theory, tends to be a failure in application.
Don't ever be in a hurry.
Common sense is a gift...cherish it.
Don't tease a lion while you're in his cage.

There, that shouldn't be too hard to understand. If that is too complex for some people to understand, then they probably need to bury their nose in a proverb book...

Sarah's Humble Ninja,
Matthew

Matt: "...and don't troll someone who you know in person...especially if they can kick your ass..."

Kain: "Words of wisdom, easy to say, hard to listen to.:


"Not every violation of the law is a crime."
-M

]]> ~Exotice1911 http://Exotice1911.deviantart.com/journal/24970456/ http://Exotice1911.deviantart.com/journal/24970456/ Tue, 26 May 2009 21:54:44 PDT
Just to shed light on a few things that I can finally do so now, here's a little bit of an explaination.

The two calls I was hoping for, well...I got one, and the other person got ahold of me on IM, and both happened at close to the same time, so my mood was brightened a lot!

I still have my hand on the lawsuit threat, but if all goes well, I won't ever have to use it. I don't care too much about the debt that I'm owed, just that the party who owes me stays out of my way.

By the way, you guys have been awesome as of late! Some of you have went out of your way to get ahold of me again, and others, you replied when I sent the random message! No one left a message unanswered! It was really nice to hear from you guys again.

I had called in a favor, an uncle who I hadn't seen in nearly a decade called (that was one of the calls I was hoping to get back), and he has a van that he's willing to sell me. The rickety van that I have right now needs a lot of repairs, and even though I'm okay with getting them done, I still have a bit of an issue with getting them done in the first place, first off, I need to find a decent repair shop that wouldn't fuck me over, and beyond that, I'd need to come up with all the money to do it. I'm estimating that the cost of fixing the van up would be no less then about $1200, my uncle is willing to sell me the van for about $900 to $1000. That's a lot easier on me, and I don't doubt that my uncle can also let me have the van before I've gotten all of the money together, which is going to help me out a lot as far as getting things done and getting my stuff to my cabin.

I'm feeling a hellova lot better now thanks to my luck and you guys.

Thanks a lot!

Sarah's Happy Ninja,
Matthew

Matt: "Keep your hands over that button, never know when you're going to need that switch."

Kain: "Deep down, you know this was what you wanted all along."

"Why a glock? Because you really need 15 rounds of an underpowered cartrage out of a cheap ass carbon fiber frame to hit something! Just grab a .45 and learn to freaking aim!"
-Me

]]> ~Exotice1911 http://Exotice1911.deviantart.com/journal/24935453/ http://Exotice1911.deviantart.com/journal/24935453/ Mon, 25 May 2009 03:03:55 PDT
While I'm not at liberty to really explain it all, I can say a little bit here.

For the next few days, I'm going to need some supplies that I cannot do without. So my laptop case is going to be a substitute for something to hold some thing else.

I'm going to need: A roll of duct tape, something to eat for the next few days, a chainsaw(if not, then at least a handsaw), my pocket knife, and a god to pray to while I put my poker face on (no that's not a lady gaga reference).

I have a few things ready to use when I need, and the leverage I have should help get me through the next week or so.

Long story short, I had a bad day, and if all goes well, I'm going to have an okay if painfully lonely week, but when it all comes together, I'm going to be just fine...actually much better then before.

I'm waiting on two different phone calls, well, one I'm waiting on...the other I'm just hoping for...screw it, both I'm just hoping for at this point to help tide me over.

I have to take a semi old debt that I'm owed(one that I never expected to be payed back given the nature of the person in question), and use a threat to bring it to a lawsuit against someone if they get in my way, all things I have to get into writing.

I have to get an address that I never bothered to write down, yet I thought I had it in the back of my memory.

I'm going to need a shitload of things to occupy me for the next few days. If things go well, then everything is going to go just right, if not...then...well...yeah.

I just fucking broke the cot that I sleep on over here...dammit, that freaking sucks!

Well, if I can keep with a contingency though, I'll be just fine, THAT is going to take some discipline. But at this point I think I have that.

By this time, anyone reading this journal is probably wondering what the hell I'm talking about, what the hell is going on, and why I'm so nervous.

I can't quite explain everything, not because I can't, or don't want to, I just don't have the time right now. The only thing that is really holding my sanity is my workplace. That is really all I need, I'm glad to have been bumped up to six days a week. That is fine by me, more hours means a MUCH bigger paycheck. I just hope like hell that I can look at my phone by tomorrow and see that I at least have a voicemail from someone critical to me right now.

I love you guys, I'll update with a full explanation on everything when the shit dies down. But no I'm not in trouble with the law...just having to time things out, strike fear into someone's heart, get my ass to a place about 50 miles away and back with pictures of it, and be able to do it all without folding under the pressure.

If all else fails...I can at least try again. That kind of time I do have. I just want to get it done as fast as I can on the first try.

Gotta go now, sleep calls...it's the only thing that I've really been able to allow myself.

Sarah's Anxious Ninja,
Matthew

Matt: "Sorry, all this is classified."

Kain: "See, this is why you shouldn't drink caffeine when you're LOSING IT!!!"

"Shit happens, roll with it..." -SPC, Webb U.S. Army Reserve

]]> ~Exotice1911 http://Exotice1911.deviantart.com/journal/24850371/ http://Exotice1911.deviantart.com/journal/24850371/ Wed, 20 May 2009 03:02:27 PDT
Most of you who've kept up with me (those who've watched me since long before I cleared my journal) will remember this person easily from me bitching about him in the past. For the last few months, I got to enjoy him NOT being here, and this house was starting to team with a lot more postive energy then it had in years. People were starting to visit, old family friends started to show up again, it was going so well! Then that fuckface came back!

This lazy asshole is trying to woe my aunt (who won't get a job herself by the way) by buying her beer and cigarettes with his welfare money whenever she whines for either. Yet she still won't even sit near him, obviously he thinks that's a relationship, but how stupid can someone be!? Seriously, how dumbass can you be to think that helping to support someone's habit will gain their affection? Anyway, he stays here because no one else in his family will let him bring her to their house, and no one else in my family is willing to take her in. My dad is afraid of him because he's trained himself to be a freaking pussy! Seriously, whenever someone or something walks all over him, he NEVER stands up for himself. There's a kleptomaniac who lives next door who's stolen a total of SEVEN vehicles from this house in the 22 years that I've lived here. Yet my dad still lets him 'stop by', and by that I mean he lets him come over knowing full well that he's really just scoping the house out for more shit he can steal and sell to buy beer or crack...this is yet ANOTHER lazy asswipe who won't get a fucking job. (THIS IS WHY I FUCKING HATE COMMUNISM BY THE WAY!!!).

My dad seems to be okay with supporting ALL of these lazy fucks while this house is struggling to get by. Well, I'm not, and I'm going to help him out anymore.

When my mom died, she left the four of us (me and three sisters) a cabin a couple counties away. A place way out in the woods in the middle of Appalachia that's far away from here. There is a couple small towns nearby, and some stores. Though this place is far away from anywhere that can get cell phone service, it's nice and out of the reach of pretty much anything and everything.

I intend to make use of this small piece of property. My sisters seem okay with it, and they don't have any plans of living there. Three years ago, I wanted nothing to do with that place, because there was a huge shitstorm over the particulars of the deed and what exactly the property lines were. But now it's all died down, and everyone is leaving it completely alone. So with everything at peace, I can quietly make it my own.

It's VERY close to liveable. It's missing a few things but it wouldn't take long to make it a perfect place to call home.

That, and there's an ugly rickety ass van that I was forced to drive back and forth to work with for the first few months I was working at the OD. I hate that van, but it was the only thing I could drive without restriction, and I went against peoples suggestions to fix it up. Stupid move on my part, but somehow that mistake is forgiven due to the fact that it's still here, is still very drivable, and I can still drive it without restriction (because sharing my dad's car is a pain in the ass). Course that van still needs a bit of work to keep it running, but nothing too big.

A house and a working vehicle dropped right into my lap, and up till now I didn't want anything to do with either because I was unsatisfied and ungrateful. But no more...

So, what does a cabin left in my name and a van that I can pretty much have for free have to do with Larry, my aunt, and that klepto? Everything...it's my way out. I don't want to support either of those three, and I want to be out on my own again. However, there is still one thing that is the REAL motivation, the REAL reason why I want a house of my own...Sarah.

Sarah and I don't live together yet, and even though we haven't been together a year yet, I know what love is, I've been able to commit to a serious r... ]]> ~Exotice1911 http://Exotice1911.deviantart.com/journal/24831691/ http://Exotice1911.deviantart.com/journal/24831691/ Mon, 18 May 2009 22:38:46 PDT
But I kinda found myself a little bit of a place where I can get away when I do. whether or not I'm taking apart my XD45 or my Cobra 12, I always get a feeling of calm when I start to take a rag and wipe away the powder buildup. First, I'm amazed at how much can build up after just a few shots, because just one swipe through the barrel makes a nice white patch a black mess as I push it out the other side. First I send a dry patch through it to give myself an idea of how much of a mess is actually in there. Then I spray the solvent on some of the internal mechanisms to try and reach what I can't get with a brush or patch. I have to be careful because of the carbon fiber that comes with most newer guns nowadays. Solvent will eat away at polymer, so when I clean the frame of my XD, I just wipe it down, no spray. Blah Blah Blah...

Yeah, as I contemplate all this, the other half of my brain starts to drift away from all the technical details, and starts to find itself in sheer fascination of how complex these tiny little parts are. There's no less then 20 different smaller pieces that can be named, all just to do one thing: Send a lead projectile out of the barrel and downrange. Finally, as I finish cleaning, and start to put it back together, I hope and pray that I haven't forgotten how to fit everything back into place. I've never really committed that to memory, I just sort of relearn it over and over to the point where it's been drummed into my head. If you were to ask me how, I wouldn't be able to answer, but put it in my hands, and I wouldn't even need an instruction manual.

When I'm done putting it back together, I take a few more minutes to look it over. I kinda of think that it's beautiful. The complexity once again gets to me. If it's an automatic, I marvel at how well the structure holds itself after coming apart, and slamming back together with each shot. If it's my Cobra, I imagine what all I'd have to add to make it heavier, and thus easier on the recoil. I wonder if I could find a solid stock with a pistol grip specifically made to be heavier then the synthetic one that I removed in favor of the folding one that I intend to replace.

Yeah, I get a feeling of inner peace, or maybe that's the vapors of the solvent messing with my head. Either way, I think that cleaning and maintaining a firearm is almost an art itself.

You've probably guessed this by now...but yeah, I just cleaned my guns, and damn is it just a good a stress reliever as it is to shoot!

]]> ~Exotice1911 http://Exotice1911.deviantart.com/journal/24779632/ http://Exotice1911.deviantart.com/journal/24779632/ Sat, 16 May 2009 00:52:13 PDT
I put a Springfield 1911A1 Mil-Spec on layway alongside my USP. About a year ago, I was only talking about having a 1911, a USP, and a XD, now I'm a third the way there. I already have the XD, and will have all the rest of the pistols I want soon.

Still playing MGS 3 to pass the time by. Still so many things I've yet to pick up, I missed hearing the 'box' conversation with Sigint, that still makes me laugh to this day. I have Mercenaries 2, but I haven't really put a whole lot of time into it. I just bought Halo for the PC, and even though my old laptop can still run it, I don't know if I'll even install it right now. In a couple weeks, if it's still in the stores, I'll get the Medal of Honor collection.

I hate that rickety ass van that I was forced to drive for a while, but I finally have decided to just suck it up and get it repaired. I've been needing a vehicle, and I just can't seem to find the motivation to look for one, especially when I simply just don't have the time for that. Though I'll be just fine when I can get a vehicle that runs on only four cylinders.

Well, I don't have much time for anything else on this update, I need sleep, and I have to finish the last two work days this week, talk to you guys later.

Sarah's Humble Ninja
Matthew

Matt: "GOD DAMMIT!!! Maybe there's only a need for a new motherboard."

Kain: "Before the edit, he completely forgot about our end quotes."

"If someone is shooting at you with a gun, it is reasonable to shoot back with your own gun."
-Dali Lama

]]> ~Exotice1911 http://Exotice1911.deviantart.com/journal/24473288/ http://Exotice1911.deviantart.com/journal/24473288/ Tue, 28 Apr 2009 00:08:27 PDT
I've put a USP on layaway finally, I've wanted one for a while, and I keep finding them for a decent price, but I just never had the time or the money to get it, but I decided it's now or never, and I don't want to go without my most favorite pistol in the world! In my opinion it's the second greatest in feel, but in design, the number one would have to be the USP. I like it's amazing reliability under even the harshest of conditions. The torture tests are what sold me on it, that and I'm already familiar with it, so I don't have to go through a learning period when I pick it up. The only complaint I have about it is the rail system is not universal. But there are enough adapters out there that keep it from being that much of a problem.

Out of the blue, I had the sudden urge to play Metal Gear Solid 3, so I borrowed Billy's PS2 after finally finding the damn disk. The date on the last save was from way back in 06, I guess it's been a while since I played it...like...a long while. I'm amazed at how much of a pain in the ass the camera was, in MGS 1 and 2, the radar made it possible to play it with the angles that kept you from seeing all that you were SUPPOSED to see, but when they ditched it in the third, I kinda got pissed at how often a solider from some obscure angle could see me from several football fields away, and it would take me several hours just to escape and evade, all while wondering how Snake changes his camoflage with no pause on the battlefield. But there was something satisfying about slitting their throats when I get close enough in the shadows. Kinda makes me anxious to snatch a PS3, and get MGS4.

I'm still not able to play my games to the fullest as HP seems to insist on NOT following up on fixing my newer laptop, so I'm still using my old one. In the meantime, I am thinking of saving up for one at Wal-Mart that has 7GB of RAM and a quad core, all I need past that is a new power supply and video card, that one is a desktop however, and thus portability is out of the question, but at least I can kick Crysis in the ass.

Well, other then that, there's not much for me to update on. I'm going to get some sleep now.

Sarah's Humble Ninja,
Matthew

Matt: "Might the Vista Lappy become useless if the newer PC is picked up before HP even notices?"

Kain: "In the meantime, find something to occupy yourself dammit."

"Hippies, people who spend much time smoking pot, and preaching about the problems in the world over things they don't actually understand. Typically they never set foot outside the U.S."

]]> ~Exotice1911 http://Exotice1911.deviantart.com/journal/24237354/ http://Exotice1911.deviantart.com/journal/24237354/ Tue, 14 Apr 2009 11:40:38 PDT ortable'. While using my old laptop, I had all but forgotten what it's like to have a smaller rig that is actually suitable for carrying around. My old one has a very small screen, is only about a quarter the power of my primary, and cannot run even half the games I have on hand. But I'm just happy to be able to get online at least once a day to check my messages.

Still, having a weak laptop isn't all bad at the moment, I still can play some of my old games, like Age of Empires 2, and by some stroke of luck, I found an old Morrowind Installation disk, that by far was something that put a smile on my face. After installing it, I found myself reaching the same level of immersion that I had when I played it for the first time. I know that games like Oblivion and Fallout 3 put it to shame, but I was coming back to old memories of when I had began to realize that not all RPG games were bad.

There was a time when I absolutely hated RPGs. I loved action games, and loved having my reflexes tested. But no RPG would ever give me that level of intensity. Depth...maybe, but not fun. To me, fun is something that comes from freedom. I had only known of RPGs that railroaded me through a storyline that was not very interesting to me after several hours of bad voice acting, cheesy Japanese style anime bullshit, and absolutely no immersion whatsoever...not for me.

But Morrowind introduced me to the freedom that is supposed to come along with an actual enjoyable game. Billy first bought it years ago shortly after it came out on the Xbox, and I began to scold him for it. But I had yet to play it then. When he finally brought it over and urged me to play it, I sat down and gritted my teeth...then my jaw dropped and my eyes went wide. The level of freedom was absolutely amazing, I could do pretty much anything I wanted! I could sneak into people's houses and steal their pillows, I could mix and match any armor piece and clothing, I found myself marveling at cities that were built up of plants, tame creatures that were floating in the air effortlessly and found out that they were actually being raised on a farm...it was all beautiful. Except the cliff racers, everyone can kinda back me up on that, they were by far one of the most annoying creatures ever placed in a game, thanks to the construction set however...they went extinct. Then the mods began to come in the PC version! I was able to live again!

I then found myself with a new faith in RPGs. No longer would I be told that I have to spend several hours wadeing through countless battles that meant nothing other then just a few xp points. Hmm...several boring ass hours for very little reward...sounds like a job that pays minimum wage to me, which is why I DON'T want to repeat that in a freaking game during my spare time!!!!

So I finally hit on the part that I don't like linear railroading RPGs, and I leaned toward freeform or sandbox style immersion.

I'm anxious to get my paycheck this coming payday, I really want to get a sling for my Cobra 12, and my holster for my XD.

Well, that's my rant for now, I'm going back to Vvardenfell to steal pillows!

Sarah's Humble Ninja,
Matthew

Matt: "Alright, mod molesting time."

Kain: "At least you turned something bad into something better."

"Every time Bethesda releases a title, someone makes a lightsaber...it never fails."
-Me

]]> ~Exotice1911 http://Exotice1911.deviantart.com/journal/24212651/ http://Exotice1911.deviantart.com/journal/24212651/ Mon, 13 Apr 2009 01:33:41 PDT
I do admit that I miss having a sort of social life amongst my 'online' friends, but I can't neglect my real life in even the slightest. I have a job, a fiance, and friends that I have to keep up with, and thus being online is just too low a priority. But that doesn't mean that I can't just submit something, or update my journal at will. So I'm going to update again just because I can.

I'm using my old laptop because my vista lappy up and kicked off for no reason at all. It just popped, and the screen went blank. Kinda like if you blow the fuse to a TV. It sucks because now that I'm waiting on HP to take care of it, my laptop case doesn't have the weight on it that it used to. Also that means there's no way I can play my PC games for the next week or two. Which sucks because I was getting back into Farcry 2.

This coming Friday, upon getting paid, I'm going to set aside some money for a car, I'm going to be saving up little by little for something that will get me around without being a pain in the ass to maintain, so in other words, I'm looking for a cheap ass Honda. I do miss my Thunderbird though...but that'll be another lifetime.

I'm also going to get a sling for my Cobra 12, and a nice Blackhawk holster for my XD45. I'm actually so happy with my Cobra 12 that I am happy to put off getting an AK for a while. I found that I am actually able to get away with shooting 2 3/4 inch shells safely in a 3 inch chamber, I just can't do it the other way around. So I can plink for a fraction of the cost of the shells I'd be using for home defense. Though I have to admit, the kick from the full 3 inch mag is freaking awesome! When I shoot it while wearing hearing protection, the loud BOOM! and the muzzle flash is freaking amazing! It's so powerful in my hands! Alright, before I get trigger happy, I'm going to move on.

Though cleaning up my DA page had me deleting all my journals, I am kinda glad that I did. I realize that there are some things from my past that I had vented about that I wouldn't want people digging up, and maybe deep down I just needed to wipe the slate clean. Starting over. I'm going to go back and take down some of the artwork that I deem completely and utterly not needed. But that'll be when my primary laptop comes back.

As for submissions, I might post a couple pics of my Cobra 12. Not just quick snapshots, but something that looks artistic like the picture I took of my six shooter before I sold it. But it'll be a bit harder because this one is a bit bigger...well, a big difference of 3 feet if you know what I mean. That, and the Cobra's black finish might make the details a bit hard to get to show up well, but I'll see if a certain 'friend' of mine can help walk me through it.

I'm going to get going for now because the battery on this laptop is not what it used to be, reminding me that I have to replace it, and the one on my PPC...sometime.

Sarah's Humble Ninja,
Matthew

Matt: "Must have blown a fuse"

Kain: "At least a page can be cleaned of it's impurities, real life, that's something you have to be careful with."

"All you need
is not what you're getting
All you live
All you give
All you live fits in a teardrop."
-The Gathering - Monsters

]]> ~Exotice1911 http://Exotice1911.deviantart.com/journal/24121968/ http://Exotice1911.deviantart.com/journal/24121968/ Wed, 08 Apr 2009 02:08:41 PDT
I just don't really have the time or desire to keep up with DA anymore. Too many things elsewhere that I need to take care of, and it's just not the high priority it used to be.

I'll update with the status on some projects once in a while, maybe submit a few pics of Rayne, but don't expect a whole lot from me in the form of submissions anymore. Real life is demanding a bit of my attention and there just aren't enough comments and the like here on my page to really get me to go out of my way to come back.

I apologize to anyone who wishes to see more of me, I just don't have the time and motivation anymore.

However, if you want to keep in touch with me, I do still check my messages, so go ahead and send me a note. If you have my number or my yahoo/AIM/MSN and the like, go right ahead and send me a shout, I'm not abandoning you guys, just my 'artwork' for now.

]]> ~Exotice1911