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]]> ~Exwhorecist http://Exwhorecist.deviantart.com/journal/26099112/ http://Exwhorecist.deviantart.com/journal/26099112/ Wed, 22 Jul 2009 00:25:18 PDT
Goregasm - so incredibly hot and intense that it actually contributes significantly to Global Warming

Moregasm - something which, although we all aspire to (and plead with Santa to bring us every Christmas - ho ho ho, indeed?), only the female of the species can achieve (but, yes, because males are selfish sexually-uneducated egocentric @#%@#$ bastids, rarely do)

Choregasm (aka Boregasm) - enacted ('acted' being the key word) once a week on Friday or Saturday for approximately 7.9 minutes between reruns of Trading Spaces/Grey's Anatomy
by couples who have been married/together for ten or more years.

Soregasm - the inevitable result of the 'smorgasm(s)' stage - aptly described in the John Mellancamp song: "Hurts So Good"

Sworegasm - fueled by intense passion and lost in the moment your boyfriend/girlfriend suddenly becomes a drunken-sailor-on-shore-leave-with-Turret's-syndrome (better avoid any neighbourhood block parties for the next few years, ye dirty talking kinko, ye)

Storegasm - applicable to couples who are not yet banned from La Senza and/or Mistress Olga's Kinky Toy Emporium change-rooms, McDonald's Toy-Ball Pit, and any restaurant bathroom with giant mirrors

Nogasm - finally accepting that, after 28 beers consumed earlier in the evening, your girlfriend having fallen asleep an hour and a half ago, your persistent but futile efforts are not going to errr come to fruition, oh studian one.

Poorgasm - primarily associated with lonely singles with the necessary modicum of affection towards their right/left hand and/or third-party 'accessories'

Roargasm - Tony the Tiger says, "They'rrrrrrre Grrrrrrrreat!" - your girlfriend/boyfriend readily concur.

Fourgasm - females experiencing this phenomenon during any one 'snuggleage' should realize one fundamental concept which need only be expressed using one word: KEEPER as in MR. (and if you play your cards right the MRS. part is yours for the taking), and proceed with roping 'em into marriage forthwith using any and all available means.

Snoregasm - usually in conjunction with the Smorgasm lovey-dovey stage except further taken to gropings and hedonistic fondlings etc during your partner's slumber (so that's why he asked you to wear a schoolgirl outfit to bed)

Tourgasm - trying to realize your salacious over-stimulations and kinky fantasies in exotic vacation places like The Vatican Gift Shop, The OverHead Compartment on American Airlines, Centre Ice during intermission at a Blackhawks/Rangers game, in a Central Park Yogenfruz Stand etc...

Michael Mooregasm - a visual aid to assist the over-eager male in trying to best his usual 40 second 'record'.

Slogasm - the domain of septuagenarians and octogenarians who've used up their allotted Viagra supply for the month

Feel free to add your own...

]]> ~Exwhorecist http://Exwhorecist.deviantart.com/journal/25724929/ http://Exwhorecist.deviantart.com/journal/25724929/ Fri, 03 Jul 2009 22:04:46 PDT
1) you - ok, not 'you' you...but YOU.

2) me (although I suppose I am sometimes fond of my right hand)

3) steel wool/asbestos underwear

4) anything with Jennifer Aniston in it........unless it's a @#$@# ditch (ok ok.. it's just a @#$@# joke so no hate mail, wankers...good grief)

5) women with size quadruple D boobage wearing see through halter/tube-tops who give you the Ms Tsk-Tsk-How-Fecking-Dare-You snark-a-locks face/attitude because you actually happened to inadvertanly (or rather - inescapably) briefly visually imbibe in said fantasy flesh-mound-display. Next time, why don't you also add flashing Christmas lights, tassels and a heavy-load flag/sign in order to ensure you don't attract any attention, oh monster-melonious gravity gal 101 (PS - your left boob just went commando)

6) E-Harmony - because they set me up with, in no particular order, the following: 1) a number two pencil 2) a large shnauzer with behavioural problems and 3) Dr Kevorkian *ok, I didn't join E-Harmony but I'm fairly sure these would be my matches nonetheless *

7) men that wear flip-flops - please, just start wearing a @#$@ black fishnet t-shirt and hanging out in gay bath houses and get it over with. Ed Note: Only women may display pedicured/pampered tootsies in any public setting (it says so in the Bible, even!)

8) the fact I took xylophone lessons for 10 years because my old-school German uncle Hans Groobershnitzel Sr. (a lead accordianist in the Bavarian Band - "Das Hiney Eest Goot, Ja?" assured me I would eventually be up to my snout in hot chicks/groupies, since all women LOVE musicians. Bastid.

9) American I-Dull aka "Here's a nice big ole bitch-slap to all REAL musicians around the world"

10) that I live in a cardboard Sanyo Box down by the river and yet that doesn't seem to impress women (elitist beeyatches! )

Stay tuned, most likely more to come shortly....

]]> ~Exwhorecist http://Exwhorecist.deviantart.com/journal/25683222/ http://Exwhorecist.deviantart.com/journal/25683222/ Wed, 01 Jul 2009 21:10:57 PDT

1) Some people (notably Americans) may note that Canadians have a very slight accent when pronouncing certain words – for example, the word ‘about’ might sound to some like “@#$@#$ off and learn to speak English the way it’s supposed to be mother@!#$!@#”

2) There is an actual city in Canada named “Moose Factory’ (Google it) . This is where all Canadian moose are lovingly and professionally assembled by hand, field tested (ALL free-range guaranteed), and finally ready for shipping or domestic use. Moose are primarily used in Canadian McDonalds’ Happy Meals (as they are rich in Moose nutrients) and sexual rituals, and a good percentage of said animals are exported to Germany for the German porn industry.

3) The first Prime Minister of Canada – Jacques Rondelle Poontangue – was actually an escaped French convict and spent his first few years in Canada posing as a beaver. He was the first official to introduce casual pelt Fridays.

4) Canada was the first country to allow same sex marriage; this is not unusual as Canada has always appreciated its Queens.

5) In Canada, under no circumstances should one ever order or ask for ‘Kraft Mac & Cheese’ as one will be escorted outside and pummeled on the snout by a wet noodle for such an egregious bastardization. The singularly correct way to identify said food staple of Canadiana is ‘Kraft Dinner’. Repeat: KRAFT DINNER.

6) Canada is the largest exporter of squirrel mats and imitation bullion cubes.

7) Canada spelt backwards is Adanac which is an Indian term meaning ‘big-ass land mass with plenty of Eskimo booty’

8) Canada was the first country to collectively find the g-spot.

9) On average, Canadian couples make love 32 times a day – except during hockey season, where the numbers drop to one quickie during the second period intermission of Hockey Night in Canada

10) Canadians enjoy a host of Canada Day celebrations on July 1 – one of the most enjoyable, however, being the traditional annual search for the perfect beaver. Beavers are trimmed, groomed, and pampered and the most aesthetically pleasing entry judged becomes Canada’s Honourary Beaver for that Year. The contestant’s winning beaver is then shown all throughout Canada (insert blatantly obvious/vagina emoticon here, yes)

11) Sarah Palin can see Canada from her house

12) According to the last census there are approximately 621 people currently residing in Canada (half of which are convicts on the run, yes)

13) Canada has given the world: Winnie the Pooh, The Zipper, Pamela Anderson’s boobage, sexy mukluks, Bob and Doug, the word ‘Eh’, Screech (the drink and not the amateur Saved-by-the-Bell porn-star), fiddleheads, and last but not least, the best game on earth (no, NOT curling or nude twister, wankers)

14) A few pastimes of Canadians include: bobbing for lumber; gnawing on pine-cones; fondling hockey pucks and foreplay involving maple syrup

15) Finally, the West Edmonton Mall (in Alberta) has more submarines than the Canadian Navy (sadly, a true fact - hey, we're lovers not fighters )

Happy Canad-er Day or not....

]]> ~Exwhorecist http://Exwhorecist.deviantart.com/journal/25264857/ http://Exwhorecist.deviantart.com/journal/25264857/ Fri, 12 Jun 2009 00:03:31 PDT
[link]

]]> ~Exwhorecist http://Exwhorecist.deviantart.com/journal/22143914/ http://Exwhorecist.deviantart.com/journal/22143914/ Tue, 23 Dec 2008 14:37:25 PST
]]> ~Exwhorecist http://Exwhorecist.deviantart.com/journal/20380437/ http://Exwhorecist.deviantart.com/journal/20380437/ Sun, 07 Sep 2008 18:11:13 PDT
And in today's headlines:

"50% of Americans STILL retarded"

Two words - McCAin/Palin

Two more words - Fucking surreal

Welcome to the Fascist States of America, y'all

]]> ~Exwhorecist http://Exwhorecist.deviantart.com/journal/19973603/ http://Exwhorecist.deviantart.com/journal/19973603/ Fri, 15 Aug 2008 16:05:58 PDT
1)are higher than Amy Winehouse at an all-you-can-shoot crack buffet

2)attended Florida State University

3)politician/civil-servant material

4)most likely quite often use the phrase "would you like fries with that"

5)a bonafide dumbass (yes, let's cut the quibbling, shall we)


This is a real 5th grade math problem. This is not a trick question.
This is a real math problem so don't say that a bus has no legs (and no, there is no driver)

There are 7 girls in a bus.
Each girl has 7 backpacks.
In each backpack, there are 7 big cats.
For every big cat, there are 7 little cats.

Question: How many legs are there in the bus?

]]> ~Exwhorecist http://Exwhorecist.deviantart.com/journal/18970013/ http://Exwhorecist.deviantart.com/journal/18970013/ Sun, 22 Jun 2008 18:19:16 PDT [link] <<< check it out

Other ways to boost your love-life courtesy of yours truly:

1) Take contortionism lessons together

2) Spice up your sex life with different positions – like the 96, The Dirty Granny, or The Amazonian Pooncruncher

3) Enjoy an exquisite gourmet dinner at Red Lobster, followed by a romantic walk on adjoining treadmills

4) Meet him at the door wearing only your vagina and nipple-ring

5) Buy a pop-up-scratch-n-sniff Kamasutra

6) Make up cutesy pet names for each other – like Feckface, My L’il Slagheap, Fatty Limpdoink, or Skaghole

7) Tell her she reminds you of your family's beloved hamster Cornelius

8 ) Tell him he reminds you of your family’s beloved yak T-Bone

9) Go on a decadent get-away to a romantic destination like The Bronx, Toledo, or East L.A.

10) Try something adventurous together-like living in a Sanyo cardboard box downtown for a month, or making homemade tattoos

11) Show him how sexy you think he is by posting erotic photos of him on www.MrYuK,com

12) Show her how sexy you think she is by posting erotic photos of her on www.Fugly,com

13) Try making love once a year without wearing a contamination suit

14) Buy him a do-it-yourself neutering kit for Christmas

15) Tell him his braying during boinkville is sexy

16) Try something naughty together - like fondling store mannequins, playing nude twister at the DMV, or skinnydipping in an inflatable Barney the Dinosaur kiddy pool.

17) Show him you really care by giving him a blowjob every leapyear

18) Show her how special she is by leaving anonymous deaththreats on her company voice and e-mail.

19) Be spontaneous – show up at his Mistress’ house with your hot twin sister and suggest a foursome

20) Show her your sense of playful mischief by slipping her horse tranquilizers before her big client presentation

21) Feed yourselves erotic fruit in bed as part of foreplay ( dried figs, prunes, raisins, pumpkins, and of course cumquat )

22) Show up unexpectedly at her workplace in only a thong and pirate hat and give her a mime strip-o-gram

23) Make love in exotic locations ( like the ear, naval, and behind the knee cap)

24) Demonstrate your commitment by wearing matching powder blue jogging suits to any formal occasions.

25) Laugh and laugh more by playing innocent pranks and practical jokes on each other ( disconnect his brake-line, replace her birth control pills with fertility pills etc)

(a few more for y'all)

]]> ~Exwhorecist http://Exwhorecist.deviantart.com/journal/18839407/ http://Exwhorecist.deviantart.com/journal/18839407/ Sat, 14 Jun 2008 14:14:02 PDT [link] <<< check it out

My theories for meltdown:

1) Learned that casual-lingerie-Fridays have been cancelled

2) Access to www.BrittneySpeersNoodies,com blocked by I.T.

3) Found out Viagra NOT covered under company medical plan

4) Proposal for company to invest in series of evangelical tube-top theme parks dismissed by upper management

5) $750 “Tatyana’s Poontang Lap Dance and Contortionist Body-Sage Emporium” expense report item rejected- NOT considered "Professional Development"

8) Someone stole entire collection of desk-top lucky phallic troll dolls from cubicle

9) 500 copies of photocopied penis confiscated by HR department

11) Co-workers found and desecrated secret Clay Aiken photo mural/shrine

12) Missed final bids on E-bay latex 'companion' due to network outage

13) Found out entire company pension plan consists of rights to clown-college franchise, magic beans, and Amish Porn shares

14) Saw one too many egregious anime/fan-art/narcissistic-gigantus vagina deviant’ARTEESTE’ poser’s ‘masterpieces’

15) Company found out about Hannah Montana restraining order

16) Female co-worker in left cubicle threatened to file law suit after receiving suggestive IM’s involving ‘getting jiggy, tantric tea-bagging, extensive nipple manipulation’ and other boink related activities

17) Found out this year’s bonus consists of wax-shoe-lace-nib-replacement kit and a $3 dollar Red Lobster coupon (only valid with purchase of item of equal or greater value)

18) Lunch room magazine vending machine to discontinue stocking “Monster Jugs Monthly”

19) Being transferred by company to satellite branch office in Blagoveshchensk Siberia for next 5 years

]]> ~Exwhorecist http://Exwhorecist.deviantart.com/journal/17117822/ http://Exwhorecist.deviantart.com/journal/17117822/ Fri, 29 Feb 2008 13:35:38 PST
I may have accidentally killed an insect a few days ago (I think it was either a small beetle or ant but can't be sure) and I'm still very shaken up about it, if truth be told.

I remember today almost like it was yesterday.

"You're quite the comedian, aren't you" was the last thing my parents said as they drove away leaving me in the desert

I've never participated in an orgy (and that makes me sad)

The one thing that really irritates me about you is, when you do that thing. Why do you do it?

On occasion, I've faked orgasms before (it was very difficult)

I know what you did last summer (and it both disgusts and intrigues me)

It's disconcerting that, if I want to leave a good looking corpse, I can't commit suicide until I get in shape

I love the way religion promotes and encourages thinking (ok, but I do love the visionary Catholic Schoolgirl outfits - quick question for the clergy: what is irony?)

I feel 'I stubbed my vagina' is not a good excuse for failing college.

My first (and last) attempt at making money when I was a kid was selling lemonade stand insurance

After reading this I want you to strip down naked, put on a porkpie hat, huge clown shoes, and go outside and re-enact every episode of Gilmour Girls.

]]> ~Exwhorecist http://Exwhorecist.deviantart.com/journal/16447232/ http://Exwhorecist.deviantart.com/journal/16447232/ Thu, 17 Jan 2008 15:00:17 PST
I think it would be pretty cool to have a chicken as a pet. I’d call her Maynard Farnason the III (not sure why but I feel it has a farmyard/chickeny tone to it) and take her driving in my car (imagine the looks on people’s faces when they’d see Maynard in my backseat window carousing about and making pecking faces at drivers or spontaneously laying eggs on the rear dash).

Or better still, I’d get a large black rooster so I could partake of seemingly endless hilarious double entendre and innuendo-esque possibilities. Like, anytime a woman would come up to me I’d say, ‘Yah, the rumours are all true, I have a huge black coque’. Or if the rooster ever became disobedient and mischievious and, say, pecked my entire collection of “Boobage Monthly” back-issues into shreds one night, I could say to coworkers the next day “God, I just don’t know what to do with my huge black coque anymore. It gets into fucking everything”. Maybe I’d even purposely get an overweight rooster so I could say things like ‘Christ sakes, my coque is so huge it can barely stand up” or “My coque’s really causing me back problems”

Perhaps I’d go even for the ultimate double-double entendre by naming my pet rooster ' Pecker'. Then I could multiply the hiliarity by saying stuff like “I couldn’t sleep last night because my Pecker kept poking me in the snout and making holes in the dry-wall” or – for some truly blasphamous hi-jinx - cruising by the local schoolyard and offering up “Hey, wanna see my Pecker for a dollar?, don’t worry it won’t bite if you pet it nicely”. Furthermore, if I was going on vacation I could advertise in the paper “Wanted: Someone to take care of my Pecker while I’m on holidays. Must really be into animals and love plucking”

Yes, all in all it would be pretty cool to have a big black coque.

]]> ~Exwhorecist http://Exwhorecist.deviantart.com/journal/15878628/ http://Exwhorecist.deviantart.com/journal/15878628/ Mon, 10 Dec 2007 14:52:37 PST
I think it would be cool to have fast-food type novelty mascots (you know, people inside those huge pizza slice or burrito get-ups) in front of very high end dining establishments. For example, people dressed up as foie gras, cheese fondue, a souffle, or someone in an escargot costume, all milling around the front entrance.

I think a great idea would be for bras to be made out of the same stuff gummy bears are made of.

I feel there would be a lot of quality hijinx if ESL teachers (English as a Second Language) would teach students that "You smell like raw sewage" means 'Hello, how are you" and "I have a raging hard-on" means "Which way to the bathroom?".

There should be mandatory keggel breaks at work, as well as funding for keggel classes for all women (and graduates who are single should have to wear a gilded 'K' on their lapels)

Did you know essentially all properties of physics breakdown at the center of a black hole (no, not Paris Hilton's vagina)

In the 'what's up with that' category, my cat is neutered yet it still tries to get it on with this big stuffed fluffy Tigger thingie - is this normal? (that is, 'normal' aside from the homo-erotic dynamics involved in trying to boink the male Tigger)

An interesting dichotomy: bums are funny yet asses are erotic (try not to over-contemplate, you'll pop a vein, yes)


We now return you to your - in the grand scheme of things - pointless existence and perennial suffer-age...

]]> ~Exwhorecist http://Exwhorecist.deviantart.com/journal/15686935/ http://Exwhorecist.deviantart.com/journal/15686935/ Mon, 26 Nov 2007 22:26:18 PST [link]

I guess there's just no oil to be found.

]]> ~Exwhorecist http://Exwhorecist.deviantart.com/journal/13539323/ http://Exwhorecist.deviantart.com/journal/13539323/ Fri, 29 Jun 2007 22:24:58 PDT
[link] <<<< check it out- just too funny - I couldn't help but comment further, below:

Well, well, well, who would've actually dared to think that some of those communiques would be offensive to the fairer sex?! (i.e. "Honey, have you gained weight?" I mean, what kind of an intellectual colossus does one have to be in order to understand the implications of making such an 'endearing' comment? are you really that fond of the tick-infested/post-nookie-fluid-stained couch in the garage, oh Cyrano De Bergerac Jr? does your dog-house happen to have cable and a wet-bar? or is this merely some sort of masochistic experiment to see if you can go without boinking or boinking-related hi-jinx until at least Arbor day 2022? which begs the question, incidentally, who the hell put this article together in the first place? is Donald Trump now ghostwriting romance-tips? or was the piece put together by a recently unfrozen Neanderthal? - coincidentally, the same reference you use for your last boyfriend, yes)

Next on the 'I-sold-my-brain-on-E-bay-and-all-I-got-was-this-lousy-t-shirt-and-strange-rash-in-my-nether-regions' inanity scale comes the delightfully relationship-solidifying 'Whoa, Did you see that girl?' observation proclamation. A sure-fire nominee for the 'Darwin Awards' and the necessitation of a closed-casket funeral proceeding subsequent to a severe beating by your significant other, any lad making such a statement has apparently never experienced the sheer joy of the requisite tantric pommelling of the cranium (or body parts situated MUCH further South) by a 'slightly' unamused Prada bag-weilding girlfriend, in demonstration of her utmost 'appreciation' for your keeping her in the loop as concerns your salacious propensities and eye-ball wanderings, Sir Feckface. Thank YOU, Mr Sensitivity, you may now go and pick up your poked-out eyeballs from the sidewalk)

Lastly - but certainly not least - we have none other than the Robert Burns worthy 'Come to Daddy' communicatory nugget. Known unofficially in the courtship domain as the 'I watch too much porn' modus operandi affectation, male candidates who use this line have most likely attended the Isaak's-Love-Boat School of Romance and read such staples of the romantic self-help book genre as "Pimp: The New Renaissance Man?", "Living In a Van Down by the River: A Playah's Tale" and the ever classic "Foshizzle, You Da Man, Mofo". Yes, nothing entices the female set like sounding like a 70's porn star - and bonus points if you happen to have a mullet, jeri-curl, or mutton-chops side-burns and wear plaid polyester leisure suits. Only a 99% chance that the female will issue a restraining order or enroll in the witness protection program. Now, those are Casanova-esque numbers, indeed, oh studly one, ye.

Have a good weekend - or not, y'all and remember, in the words of the immortal Confuscious (Confuscious Lovebone, that is - the inventor of the latex 'companion' and not the Asian Philosopher): treat them beeyatches well

Ex

P.S. on a separate topic, has anyone seen that recent Maynard's wine-gum commercial? the sassy add with the effervescent lass in the polka dot dress , sashaying about all carefree-post-gigantus-orgasm-girlie-like and eating Maynard’s Wine Gum whilst a catchy pseudo-retro-psychadelic-pop tune plays in the background “I’m a rollercoaster turning round and round, you lift me up when I’m upside down” (here’s the link [link] ). Quite intoxicating and very well done, I just had to say.

]]> ~Exwhorecist http://Exwhorecist.deviantart.com/journal/13265968/ http://Exwhorecist.deviantart.com/journal/13265968/ Fri, 08 Jun 2007 13:36:05 PDT
[link] <<< check it out

Ok, really, talk about taking lazy to the next level.....

In conjunction with the above, and as a general public service, outlined below are various warning signs which can assist you in ascertaining whether or not you might be afflicted with this 'ailment':

1) Your previously nocturnally-inclined significant other has suddenly become the ultimate 'morning person' - but seems to walk funny until at least noon.

2) Your pet canine (whom usually sleeps at the foot of the bed ) keeps giving you all-knowing winks in the morning

3) Your girlfriend inexplicably starts cracking open the sex-toy chest and putting on kinky lingerie prior to your naps

4) You keep waking up in your neighbour's begonia garden/koi pond wearing only tassels and an unexplained perma-grin

5) Your neighbour and the college girls across the street install stadium lights and a glow-in-the-dark moat, as well as an 'Abandon all Poke, all ye who Enter' warning sign.

6) You find receipts from "Mistress Helga's 24 Hour Dungeon Apparel, Pirate Costume Shop and Porn Barn" in your pyjamas

7) The Neighbourhood Watch surveillance photo of the naked guy with the pirate hat, trying to get jiggy with Mrs Binkelstein's garden gnomes some time last night seems somehow ominously familiar

8) Your wife insists serving you Nyquil and Oysters for dinner every night

9) You wake up with some sort of steel-wool fibres on your tongue/teeth

10) Your wife hides all the good pillows/bedding


[link] <<< Fucking priceless - now, THAT'S hot ( maybe there IS a God - nawww, I'll believe it when the rest of the skanky-assed, trailer-trash, spoiled, narcissistic, arrogant, no-talented bimbos/and mimbos get some commeuppance (Lindsay Lohan/ Naomi Campbell anyone? etc etc etc etc etc ......)

]]> ~Exwhorecist http://Exwhorecist.deviantart.com/journal/13177057/ http://Exwhorecist.deviantart.com/journal/13177057/ Fri, 01 Jun 2007 13:22:17 PDT [link] <<< surprise surprise.....

Ahhh, the benefits of 'higher' learning, indeed.

In keeping with the theme, here are few other things college/university can cause:

1) a 'slightly' unplanned love-child and subsequent paternity suit against Mr Coolidge, the always-oh-so-accessible-after-class Structural Anatomy/Female Studies professor and Women's Beach Volleyball coach.

2) esoteric knowledge of bong and bong related paraphernalia that would make Bob Marley look Amish.

3) a top-ten slot on YouTube's recommendations as concerns the 'boinks-r-us' video your ex-boyfriend secretly uploaded after you dumped him to date Mr. Coolidge.

4) a sudden unexplained surge in campus popularity, thousands of new hits on your MySpace page, and an endless stream of invitations to keggers/fraternity-mixers, ominously coincidental with the apparent misplacement of your 'boinks-r-us' video.

5) severe regret for making Renaissance Crafts your major (with a minor in Lute Hip Hop)

6) the separation of the qualifier 'curious' from 'bi' after a night of marathon red vino ingestion at a get-to-know-your-sorority-sister sleep-over that got slightly out of hand.

7) accumulated student loan debt that would make third world countries look like Switzerland

8) regrets at buying and 'imping out' that 1987 Geo (with tinted windows) with your second year tuition money ( see 6 above)

9) regrets at requesting the large type font on the 'I *heart* big-butts' tattoo you got on your forehead during Spring Break

10) carpal tunnel-induced amputation of both thumbs due to over-texting your girflriends after you found your g-spot

]]> ~Exwhorecist http://Exwhorecist.deviantart.com/journal/12840529/ http://Exwhorecist.deviantart.com/journal/12840529/ Fri, 04 May 2007 13:46:51 PDT [link] <<< check it out

paging Kirsten Dunst... paging Kirsten Dunst...... (I suppose the above article finally explains her character's previously inexplicable amorous propensities - given it looks like Peter Pecker - errr Parker IS in fact a....ummmm....giant weenie, yes.....errr, at least sometimes....). Begging the questions, though - will Spiderman 4 be a porno? does Bob Dole own a summer home in Brazil? why are Canadian spiders such fucking slackers? (last time one bit me the only thing I felt was an urge to hang around Ross Rebagliati, eat cheetos, say 'Dude' alot, and snowboard to reggae)

And lastly, the article certainly confirms why Brazilian people seem so @#$!# happy all the time! (and additionally explains why Mardis Gras means 'Fat Tuesday' - Ed Note: it's not always about length, right?)

Anyway, in keeping with the above noted theme, here are a couple further unusual zoological/human phenomena:

1) A kiss from an animae/fan-art deviant will put you in therapy for three to five years (if it's a French Kiss you are looking at a possible coma, not to mention being permanently shunned by the community in general - if in turn it's a French Kiss from a manga artist then boil your genitals in lye and get yourself sterilized immediately)

2) If you eat a three toed sloth at high noon it means you obviously have extremely low lunch standards.

3) A wink from a pregnant lamma means 1) your local zoo has apparently slapped you with a restraining order 2) you most likely live in Arkansas 3) you've been BUSY.

4) If you eat a box of bees ( domestic or foreign ) you will be VERY sorry

(Note: I was half-kidding about the manga/animae thing.... ok, perhaps 1/3rd)

P.S. on a separate topic, just happened to watch 'The Prestige' - simply put: BRILLIANT

]]> ~Exwhorecist http://Exwhorecist.deviantart.com/journal/11816488/ http://Exwhorecist.deviantart.com/journal/11816488/ Wed, 14 Feb 2007 14:33:01 PST
1) The word 'lingerie' comes from the Latin word 'Lingerus' (prediliction towards uncontrollable fondling ) and the Swahili word 'ie' (meaning 'one who is versed in the ways of nookoo nookoo') and was coined by noted British knicker magnet and philanthropist, Sir Charles "Dicky" Boinkelsin in 1821. Sir Dicky would also go on to invent the curd-flavoured-edible-pantaloon, the buttock-less long-john, the steam-powered nipple-squisher, the asbestos vagina sex toy, and – after thousands of unfortunate wrongful death lawsuits (Sir Dicky was NO Isaac Newton, you see) - the first non-combustible electric corset

2) The first official Valentine's Day on record was celebrated in 1672 in the English coastal town of Wankashire by roving Dutch clog/pickled gherkin smugglers (and chick-hounds in general ) on shore leave. However, instead of exchanging confectioneries and/or floral bouquets as is now the traditionally accepted custom, a hearty fishmeal and molasses gruel was served to prospective maidens, who would then sing out - if courtship was to be subsequently accepted - 'Gruel THIS!, kind Sir!’ in an operatic falsetto and proceed to bear a quarter inch section of bare ankle for their suitor ( which was a punishable-by-death offense at that time in history - as compared to now, when women are able to essentially display their gigantus vaginas willy-nilly *Ed Note: oh women, how far you've come! )

3) The first ever documented item of lingerie, a demi-cup coconut bra adorned with a tsi-tsi fly motif was confirmed to have dated as far back as the Jurassic era (no, NOT just like me @#$@#$#ers). Scientists hypothesized that frisky dinosaurs were lured into ambushes by lasciviously-gyrating cavewoman wearing said garments and waving Groks-Gone-Wild paraphernalia , where they were then clubbed into submission ( the dinosaur and not the cavewoman - the cavewoman would be later ) for subsequent feastage. In fact, the same method was also used to lure unsuspecting eligible australeopithicii into common-cave-union ( a method of courtship which is still in tact, incidentally, between cousins in most of the Southern United States)

4) A recent study of Valentine's consumer spending habits noted that 80% of total Valentine's sales are comprised of flowers, chocolate, or lingerie - meanwhile, the other 20% were attributed to next-day sales of penicillin and do-it-yourself-tattoo-removal-kits.

5) Love can be mathematically represented by the following formula :

For women: L = ( RTCO * P / MPVC ) + N , where RTCO equals the amount of ‘Resemblance to Clive Owen', P equals girth of flesh-kielbasa, MPVC equals 'Montly Platinum Visa Card' payments, and N is equal to ‘Number of Karats’ he thinks I’m worth after having witnessed my skills at peeling a banana with my tongue.

For men: L = FP + TT + BSN , where FPTT is equal to ‘Female with Pulse”, TT equals 'Tube Top', and BS&KN equals "Bourbon Shooter and KetaminE Night" at Mel's Liquor Barn and Bar

6) Did you know, women have approximately 342 erogenous zones? ( 3.2 of which the average man is aware of). Men, on the other hand, have only one erogenous zone, which is more commonly referred to as NOW or ANYTIME.

Lastly, please always remember.....

Love is like a majestic train-ride through beautiful scenic pastoral countryside..
Before you know it, you've reached your destination: Dumpsville; Population: You

]]> ~Exwhorecist http://Exwhorecist.deviantart.com/journal/10039938/ http://Exwhorecist.deviantart.com/journal/10039938/ Fri, 15 Sep 2006 09:28:09 PDT Update and Supporting Evidence as concerns my initial comments/journal thoughts and 'theory' below in non-bold ..

Gotta say, I'm quite impressed, kids!! yes, one fucking whole comment on my last piece/deviation (thank you Oh-No-Lass, by the way), wooo-hooo!!! and thanks for the love, yes..... I guess reading is a lost art-form these days, no? ( rhetorical question, yes - given it seems half of North Americans couldn't read a Dr Seuss 'tome' if their lives depended on it - and yet everyone wonders why people are so fucking ignorant about what's going, not only in the world, but in their very own country ( and ok, for the record, I'm not saying my pieces are worthy of promoting intense political and/or societal discourse, solving world-hunger, Global Warming, or Erectile Function Defiency (although who knows regarding the latter; after all, laughter and quality clown-mime porn are often the best medicine) but, moreso my point, if you can't get through a few paragraphs of humouresque goofiness ( oh no! it's over a fucking page long, though, Exie!, how will I EVAH read all dem, wady'all call dem thangs with the letters and shoight? oh, yah, woids!!! ), then I'm sure the last time you perused the New York Times, Guardian, or any other substantive print-news (online or otherwise) was when you accidentally had a fucking orgasm to a Ziggy cartoon

( And yah, I know, I know, again, if only I'd put up photos/manipulations of gigantus vaginas and/or throbbing members (no, not of the Congress variety ) engaged in delightfully 'artistic' ( i.e. legs only spread 80 degrees and genitals tastefully ensconced in velvet and/or organza and/or tapioca pudding, I'm sure there would be 350 comments espousing my 'artistic' brilliance and how I managed to capture said gigantus vagina/penis in its natural (or possibly unnatural if you're a fetish artist ) state. Oh delicate genius, would be I.

Fuck this ( and, no, no 'pardon my rant' disclaimer this time ).

P.S. Just for reference, I know there are quite a few of you out there that also find you are basically second (or eight) class citizens when it comes to appreciation of your works on this site. Hey, how about we form a fucking club? and give the 28,035 'erotica' and anime DA clubs a run for their money ( ya, roight )
________________________________________ ____

Ok, I lied, there's no game but there is a theory instead, which is much more fun and educational!. So put away the glue-sniffing paraphenalia for a moment and read on, kids - oh, and don't forget to tell your friends! ( imaginary or otherwise )

It’s called the Milton’s Abandon-All-Hope-Ye-Who-Are-Artistically-Inclined theory, which basically proposes that if you do not have 1) any contacts 2) any friends who have contacts 3) any friends of friends who have contacts 4) a minimum of 500,000 friends (rented or otherwise) to take advantage of the six-degrees of separation theory economy of scale as concerns serendipitously obtaining aforementioned contact(s) and/or at least a quality word-of-mouth grass roots ‘love-in’ 5) the balls to kidnap/accost a potential contact and force/coerce them to give you one fecking opportunity/chance, and/or last but not least 6) have in your possession any blackmail photographs of any industry/contact types boinking farm animals and/or fondling in-store underwear mannequins, well then, you might as well load up the shotgun now, Hemingway Jr. For, let’s face it, no matter how original, creative, humourous, or interesting your work(s) may be, you are pretty much fucked regardless if no one is aware of your existence ( other than your imaginary friends and a few very super DA members )

(The above public service announcement was brought to you by reality and its ugly rearing head(s))

So, with that in mind ( and please pardon my shameless appeal, lest I pommel your snout for lacking any empathy or compassion or the ability to at least feign such ) if anyone knows anyone who knows anyone, whose sister’s friend’s brother’s kegel-instructor happens to know someone that works at or has access to any individuals (preferably non-janitorial staff in nature ) at 1) The Onion 2) Daily Show 3) SNL 4) Comedy Network or any other organization or person(s) that requires unique, original, twisted, and possibly even humourous perspectives/rantings/ramblings, then for the love of the ‘h’ spot, multiple orgillas, and Mom’s home-made-road-kill-flan, please, please, please feel free to pass along. I will promise to name my first born after thee ( unless your name is Grizilda, Cecil, Geeves, Agragogrigos, Cornelius, Sheneequa, Nipple, ........)

]]> ~Exwhorecist http://Exwhorecist.deviantart.com/journal/9690826/ http://Exwhorecist.deviantart.com/journal/9690826/ Fri, 11 Aug 2006 12:53:12 PDT [link]

Yes, as the end of the above link notes: quiz does equal sex (i.e. reading Cosmopolitan with your paramour is officially the new-age foreplay - although watch out for paper cuts or articles on commitment).

Take the quiz above ( don't worry, it's not really perverted - well, unless you're Amish, in which case, what the hell are you doing with Internet access?) and find out how you did below according to yours truly scale of perversion:

1) Score of 8-10: It's obvious you own a pop-up/scratch-n-sniff Kamasutra tome, have shag carpeting, collect phallic garden gnomes, and have the word 'kinky' tattooed on your hiney in Japanese characters. Your kitchen table is reinforced and you are no longer allowed in the office boardroom after work hours. You have the directors cut of 'Showgirls' (and also saw it in the theatre - twice - as you and your partner (and the midget) were asked to leave half-way through the first time ). You usually wear a loincloth (men) or where's-waldo-bustier(women) on casual Fridays. You always knew the Flintstones were swingers/kinky.

2) Score of 4-7: You tend to use the word 'nookie' and 'nibblies' and blush whilst watching National Geographic specials and shows about vegetables. You lost your virginity by accident in a drive-by-orgy incident. The closest you came to a menage a trios was when you dated Sybil. You always partake of 'nookie' with the lights off and your partner in a separate room. 'Kinky' to you means playing Pictionary in your underwear. You keep mistakenly thinking it's supposed to be a '96'.

3) Score of 0-3: You most likely work in the insurance industry and host weekly Virgin's Anonymous meetings at Chucky Cheese. Your hobbies include competitive-standing, mime-taxidermy, drawing unicorns, and collecting odd-shaped shoe-lace nibs. You shower in a scuba-suit with the lights off. You associate with and live life vicariously through Ned Flanders. You find you're attracted to Baby-Bop(men), Barney the Dinosaur(women). You'll never be able to watch the Flintstones the same way again. ]]> ~Exwhorecist http://Exwhorecist.deviantart.com/journal/9613515/ http://Exwhorecist.deviantart.com/journal/9613515/ Sun, 06 Aug 2006 01:24:54 PDT
Borat and Ali G – ok, speaking of brilliance - Sacha Cohen is truly a fecking comedic genius, me thinks. If you haven’t seen/heard this lad, you have obviously been living in a cave ( or a Sanyo box down by the river – and yes, we’re obviously neighbours, I know, I know.... note to you: where is my rubber companion you borrowed last week?.). Specifically, his character ‘Borat’, the ultra-politically-incorrect ‘Kazakhstan’ee’ television reporter who has invaded the ‘US and A’ for human-interest etc stories, is an absolutely hilarious must-see. Once again, I won’t get into the details; however, suffice to say, if you have a chance to check the lad out, I urge you to do so – his
take on the Kazakhsatan-ee ‘chain of importance’ hierarchy alone ( “we have saying in Kazakhastan, first is God, then Man, then horse, then dog, then women, then rat, then small krutzoli’, is absolutely laugh out loud comedic brilliance. His other characters of Ali-G and Bruno ( the gay Austrian fashionseeta ), although perhaps not quite in the same element as ‘Borat’, nonetheless have their moments.

‘So You think You Can Dance” - at Suppafemme for getting me into this @#$@# program lol. All I have to say ( other than I am NOT gay – not that there is anything wrong with that ) is, I have recently been caught up in this show ( flicking channels a few weeks back and got fecking hooked on it, damn it ). For those of you that haven’t seen, the dancers ( last count there were only 6 remaining – 3 male/3 female ) and performances on the show are simply surreal in terms of talent and aesthetic entrancement. I mean, I have always been prone and susceptible to intense emotional reaction from art, music, theatre, movies (and of course quality thcoolgurl porn lol ) etc; however, I confess I was pretty much blown away by this artistic genre. From contemporary to samba to tango to bee-bop to hiphop, the dancers are required to do various routines every week ( and sometimes with different partners ) and ultimately compete with said other dancers. Simply mind-boggling, folks; the one in particular which I saw that completely blew my 3.2 brain-celled mind – Allison (only 20 or so fecking years old..uggg ) and her partner ( ok, can’t remember his name, sorry lol – although he was also a semi-juvenile who looked like he had just been weaned off his mother’s teet a few months back ) was the contemporary number they did to Annie Lennox’ “Why”. Just stunning, moving, emotional, sensual, sexy, and, umm, did I say stunning? Wow.... I’ve always enjoyed dance and the emotive, visceral and creative aspects that are represented by such art form but I confess I’ve been rejuvenated in terms of my appreciation for said talent. AMAZING.

Allrightie then, my work here is done and it’s back to the ole cave/Sanyo-cardboard box (and the various community service stipulations, yes...) down by the river

Cheers,

Ex ]]> ~Exwhorecist http://Exwhorecist.deviantart.com/journal/9349232/ http://Exwhorecist.deviantart.com/journal/9349232/ Tue, 11 Jul 2006 23:21:31 PDT Shine on you crazy diamond.

Now there's a look in your eyes, like black holes in the sky.
Shine on you crazy diamond.

You were caught on the crossfire of childhood and stardom,
blown on the steel breeze.
Come on you target for faraway laughter,
come on you stranger, you legend, you martyr, and shine...

You reached for the secret too soon, you cried for the moon.
Shine on you crazy diamond.

Threatened by shadows at night, and exposed in the light.
Shine on you crazy diamond.

Well you wore out your welcome with random precision,
rode on the steel breeze.

Come on you raver, you seer of visions,
come on you painter, you piper, you prisoner, and shine..."

From "Wish You Were Here" Pink Floyd - a stunning musical masterpiece and an incredibly moving tribute to one of Pink Floyd's founders.

RIP - Roger Keith Barrett aka Syd Barrett 1946-2006 ]]> ~Exwhorecist http://Exwhorecist.deviantart.com/journal/9233823/ http://Exwhorecist.deviantart.com/journal/9233823/ Fri, 30 Jun 2006 15:49:56 PDT
Link: [link]

In any event, in keeping somewhat with the theme, I thought I'd add two more very important misconceptions/misperceptions about the fairer set, so as to set the record straight and finally allow you all to go on with your lives, yes.

1) Women are always right - ok, ok, before I get my snout tweaked by a roving mob of ticked off females and/or remain a boinkless weekend virgin for eternity, let me just clarify that the reality is, this is not necessarily untrue (especially if you've been married for more than 5 years or if your girlfriend has anger management issues and is prone to groin-kickage via her martial arts background); however, I suggest it should merely be more properly qualified - as in, women ARE always right but ONLY during the pre-nookie courting stages (unmarried phase) and during the day preceding the regularly-weekly-scheduled 'Thursday-Night-'Snuggle-age' *aka Boinks-R-Us-Day* (married phase). Ok ok, I know, please pass me my helmet and enroll me in the Witness Protection Program NOW.

2) Women just want a man with a great sense of humour - the biggest myth perpetuated since 'size doesn't matter' (of the bank account and Platinum Visa Card limit, you perverts!). Yes, 'funny' is just slightly above 'basket-weaving-ability', 'knee-cap-smoothness' and 'goiter-symmetry' in terms of actual importance to a woman. Last time I checked, most 'funny' guys can be found being greeted by their first names by Blockbuster staff on a Friday/Saturday night, spending the evening commiserating with other 'funny' guys in the 'Ernest-Goes-To' and soft-porn sections, or spending their weekend mingling in the female undergarment department of Sears pondering irony and how to improve their goiter symmetry. So, next time you hear a woman saying ' all I want is a guy who can make me laugh', please remind her that it's NOT all about size

(Ed Note: lucky for me, my exquisite sense of humour is augmented by my 14 inch-tongue and therefore precludes my inclusion from this aforementioned hapless comedic group ).

Have a great weekend, y'all....or not...

Ex ]]> ~Exwhorecist http://Exwhorecist.deviantart.com/journal/9161230/ http://Exwhorecist.deviantart.com/journal/9161230/ Fri, 23 Jun 2006 16:15:27 PDT
[link]

Who woulda thunk, no? talk about taking the 'virtue' out of virtual reality or taking 'build a better machine' to the next level! *insert the requisite wink wink here* Yes, from technology to techCARNALknowledgy faster than you can say "I'd boink Lara Croft". Which begs the following questions/observations:

1) Can 'kinky' be programmed?

2) Would the phrase "sorry, I've got a bolt (or nut, as the case may be ) ache" supersede the customary 'headache' excuse?

3) Would we ever again see the '30 day money back guarantee'? (let's hope not, yes)

4) Would the phrase 'he/she makes love like a robot' take on a new and perhaps more favourable and orgiastically-inclined meaning? and would the Kamasutra require additional chapters? (i.e. "The Reverse R2D2", "The C3PO Spine Cruncher", or the "Tantric Tin-Man" etc addendums )

5) How would we deal with all the robot paternity suits? (and how does one tell their son/daughter that his/her Mom is actually a 'multi-purpose' toaster/baster)

6) Would robots also experience pleasure? ( ok, at least just only the male ones, so as to be consistent with reality, yes.....*note: NOT an autobiographical viewpoint, I assure thee!*)

7) What is the protocol for a one-night stand with a robot? (is one obligated to call them back? at least buy breakfast/replacement transistors? or does one subsequently have to accompany them to several lame Artificial Intelligence Performance Art/Poetry Readings?)

8) How does one make "1/0/1/0/0/1/0/1/1/1/0/1/0/1/1 !" ( i.e. "do me now like it's 1929, you studly electronic demon-love-monkey, you!' in dirty-robot-speak) sound romantic?

As you will note, it's a veritable Pandora's Box, folks. Yes, robot-nookie will come with many questions and great responsibility, indeed - not to mention, I'm sure, at least several initial visits to the Emergency Room. Still, one has to love technology, though ( literally, as in love it like ya mean it and like it was, yes, 1929, bay-bay! ) and the tremendous advances we're seeing from the tech sector (and you thought Chia Pets were cool). Now, if they can at all program the robot to make a sandwich afterwards, well, it'll be evident Utopia is upon us ]]> ~Exwhorecist http://Exwhorecist.deviantart.com/journal/8825165/ http://Exwhorecist.deviantart.com/journal/8825165/ Sat, 20 May 2006 11:28:53 PDT
You see, because I too like things... mkay? and surely most people tend to like things, am I right or am I right? Alas, we obviously all have so much in common it's not even funny (unless of course you also have the cornacopea of voices in your head urging you to 'Kill Kill Kill'!! in which case, thems some funnily strange fecked up things, n'est ce pas? and out of the realm of the usual and customary thing domain.... but I digress - let's get back to that/those things I was talking about just moments ago, shall we?).

Of course, it doesn't have to be 'thing' things, oh literarily-comprehending ones; it can just as well be thing ' things', ok? so, like, really, why do you always have to be so god damn stubborn and just fucking admit that you like things, ok? and let's move on and stop wasting your and our time on @#$@#$ semantic things which are precluding our enjoyment of such things as well as possible other future things.

Allrightie then, as I was saying, since you obviously like things ( this has been established, heretofore, you might recall, as essentially prima facie evidence given you just admitted you like things mere moments earlier, so don't even try to backpeddle now, feckers), I'm putting a link to this thing which you might like, being that you, as indicated previously, like things. Does that make sense? or am I making too much of things? no, I don't think so. This thing is bigger than just some arbitrary thing, mkay? so click on the link and do your thing, or pox be on thee ( and thy things) forever... or at least until most things (yours, for the most part) are gone......*phew*...*deep breaths*...

Ok, I'm really glad we straightened that out, as it almost looked like things were getting out of hand. That said, sometimes these things take a while and the thinking is, it's not easy, this whole thing, you know? Still, knowing what I know now, I wouldn't, in all honesty, change a thing. The thinking being, it's a good thang, this thing.

So anyway, enough about things and 'things', let's get to the other thing, mkay? hence, here you go - my link to some things (ok, I know that, just moments ago, I referred to only a 'thing' but that was merely to throw you off slightly and give you further and penultimate joy when you confirm that I was actually talking about 'things' and not just the one thing:

[link]

( check out, in particular, the new thing, as I feel ( in all humility) that it's quite good - Pennylane Ballerina, as well as some of the other things which are new and/or updated beyond just any old thing).............................




Ok, so, ummmm, like, why haven't you gone yet? is this how it's gonna be, then, eh? after all that I've done for you... all the years together, you're just going to sit here and keep fucking reading this @#$@$ bullshit, while all those perfectly good things that I took so long to put together and then meticulously summarize via this mini-essay, remain unthingified vis a vis your lack of perusal? is that how it is? is that how it IS? answer me, damn it!!! what the?! how @#$# dare you answer me in such a manner!!! don't you EVER use that tone of voice again when answering me, you hear me? you fucking hear me?! or so help me I will tell your Mother you lost your virginity to a migrating yak (and LOVED it )when you were 14, allright? you want to go there, huh? you just watch me...you just better watch me....cause I will not only even SOOOOOO go there but I will come back and go there again and come back with souvenirs of my going there and coming back - what do you think of that, huh?......wait - what's that? you didn't mean it? taken out of context?! how could what you just said be taken out of @##$@# context!!? what the hell are you talking about, out of context... jesus h. pakistan.....this is just, really, too much, ok.... truly unbelievable, how did we get to this @#$@# point when all I was trying to get you to do was to go and click on the @#$@#$ thing!!?

Ok, ok, look, let's just nevermind this stupid fighting thing and these harsh words, ok.. and let bygones be bygones.... let's just take a step back here and cool down for a second ok.... I mean, basically it comes down this: why don't you just go and do it, ok? even as a personal favour to me? you know, for old time's sake perhaps? cause, really, it's not like you have other things, errr, to do, that is, right?. Ok, wait a second, I see that look....- Jesus @#$@# @#$@#$ this is NOT about 'us', for Gawd's sake, how many times do I have to spell that out to you?!!..... no, I already told you I didn't fucking know she was under @#$@#$ age, for Gawd's sakes!!!!! w... ]]> ~Exwhorecist http://Exwhorecist.deviantart.com/journal/8667936/ http://Exwhorecist.deviantart.com/journal/8667936/ Thu, 04 May 2006 01:32:36 PDT
Are you tired of reality? just can't 'feel' those colours anymore? is an over-abundance of brain-cells causing you to think too much about your pathetic, meaningless existence, necessitating ingestion of 32 pints of Ben & Jerry's nightly, whilst watching infommercials about liquid-cheese-investment until you nod off in a Chocolate-Chunky-Monkey-induced glucose-coma? are you fed up with mainlining low-alcohol-content fancy-shmancy umbrella drinks that invariably poke-your-snout into a cheese-cloth-esque resemblance the longer the evening progresses, or snarfing down shooters named after quasi-illegal nookie-acts, which only serve to put you in a mild-vegetative state but nonetheless result in your going home with Jared (pre-Subway days) look-a-likes? are you feeling like you need a vacation from yourself (and the multitude of voices urging you to 'kill kill KILL!!!!')? Does this sound like you? (and if so, then where have you been all my life, yes, but I digress......)

Well, look no further, folks! because it looks like relief is just around the corner ( down the rabbit hole and right through the looking glass). Yes, just when you thought you couldn't take anymore (or anyone could take YOU anymore, for that matter)...........Mexico is waiting for YOU! (follow the link below)

[link]

Yes, yes, you heard it here first, folks - it's all there just awaiting your enjoyment! participate in one of the deluxe psychedelic getaway packages and you'll not only 1) zone-in on, like, umm, totally gnarly/monster vibes, like, that are, you know, super-wicked, mkay, so, like, don't even go there 2) partake of all-inclusive cheeto based munchie treats and holistic snacks prepared daily by former Amsterdam coffee-house sous chefs 3) indulge in unprecedented sitar-hip-hop music appreciation and mono-chord jams featuring the hurdy-gurdy and electric lute, and 4) bogart your way into Mexican folklore and the International Doobage-Hall-of Fame, but you'll also receive a 'Free Tibet' t-shirt, a complimentary double-bong handcrafted by Cheech Marin's cousin, the inevitable hemp lingerie bustier and tassel coupon-book (a $.03 value!), as well as a latex pacifier and step-by-step guide to mastering the fetal-position!

Remember, book later! (or get booked now *insert pwaap pwaap waaahhh trombone noise here *)

P.S. Incidentally, I've now learned that the current names of the various Mexican tourist destinations can be translated into English as follows:

Cabo San Lucas - Lucas Has Chronic
Cancun – Will-toke
Puerto Vallarta - Port Spliff
Cozumel – Fatties Por Favor
Los Cabos – Bongs-R-Us ]]> ~Exwhorecist http://Exwhorecist.deviantart.com/journal/8651305/ http://Exwhorecist.deviantart.com/journal/8651305/ Tue, 02 May 2006 20:32:19 PDT UPDATE: I've now linked to "YourTube.com" which has the ENTIRE speech in three parts - see below (unfortunately the link I posted earlier only contains the last 2/3'rds and misses the first 7-8 minutes of the start - some BRILLIANT shoight, there, which you don't want to miss out on, I assure thee - again, I can't say enough just how much I was ( or rather still am ) blown away by Colbert - his razor sharp wit completely eviscerates Chimpy McFlightsuit et al and addresses in a scathing, satirical manner pretty much all of the nefarious and corprofascist goings-on of the past five+ years of the Dubya administration. Specifically, it is a delight to see him unleash some of the wraith on the lap-dogs that are the 'free' press. Again, Colbert is @#$@#$!@$%@#% genius and a true modern day hero, with cajones the size of Jupiter ( and its moons - yes, even Ganymede!! )

[link]age=1&t=t&f=b Part 1

[link]age=1&t=t&f=b Part 2

[link] Part 3


(don't worry about the goofy way the above links look like - they all work )

Stephen Colbert - aka the modern Joseph Welch. Talk about @#$!@#@!% gigantus balls

If you haven't already heard, Stephen Colbert (hired as a guest speaker/entertainer for the White House Correspondents dinner over the weekend - incidentally, WHAT were the people who hired him thinking?!! are the Rethuglicans that @#$@# stupid that they don't realize his 'Colbert' Report persona is 100% SATIRE?! wait, don't answer that ) delivered a brilliant and scathing attack on the Chimpy Administration, as well as the Fourth Estate, and everyone and anyone else who has pandered/been connected to and/or otherwise played a part in the Fascist-ization of the US the past 5+ years. Colbert did so under the guise of his over-the-top neocon Bill O'Reilly-esque character he plays on his Comedy Central show 'The Colbert Report'. The speech is a must-see/hear - not only as a the ultimate demonstration of sheer balls by Mr Colbert, for walking into the Lion's Den and not only staring down the lions but bitch-slapping them into submission, but also because it is, I believe, one of the first times since the Chimpy administration came to power that someone has actually had the 'audacity' and courage to speek truth to the bullshit/lies TO and IN THE PRESENCE OF the very people (namely, the Chimpy administration and the so called 'free' press ) that are responsible for perpetuating them.

Must-see:

[link]

P.S. it's hard to see in this particular video, but do know that it was reported Dubya and Laura and the other significant 'notables' looked like they had swallowed a combination of three dozen lemons and 4 tons of WMD's after the performance was over - @#$@#$ PRICELESS!!!!!!!!!

P.P.S. I truly hope Mr Colbert has some quality bodyguards ]]> ~Exwhorecist http://Exwhorecist.deviantart.com/journal/8464004/ http://Exwhorecist.deviantart.com/journal/8464004/ Thu, 13 Apr 2006 22:13:04 PDT
Well, ummmm, no, not quite..... however, more importantly, friends, they HAVE in fact managed - after spending hundreds of millions of dollars and countless hours of research, no doubt (how does one get such a job, by the way? pencil.. nay PEN me in ), to figure out the correct formula....*drum roll please* for the perfect ( yes perfect! or rather purrrfect? )............. female buttocks (or is it buttockses? buttockii? ) Yes, say it ain't so, ladies and gentleman of the world, we have truly been blessed to live long enough to witness such a miraculous and life-affirming/changing discovery as this - please, someone release the doves and let the bells toll for all the world to hear! for this day - nay, this MILLENNIUM shall henceforth forever be known as the Bun Millennium, the Cheeky Millennium, the Millennium De Derriere Magnifique, or simply the Assmaster Epoch!. It's a miracle of all miracles, yes (someone bring out the Festivus pole!) and one can only attempt to sum up the significance by paraphrasing Neil Armstrong: 'it's one small spank for man, and one giant spank for mankind'...

Ok, ok, really, though, who would've thought? and here I ( and the usual Friday night pack of drunk, lascivious, oggling male cohorts (oh those whacky/libation-hound Catholic priests, they sure know how to hold their liquor) - and ok, thank, yes, you male chauvinist oinks for your maturity and social depth, I hear ya ) thought we pretty much already had the parameters of said buttockial perfection down to a science - oh, what fools we were to have ASSumed. Alas, thankfully we now know the mathematical secret and shall forthwith carry measuring devices, pincers, and other assorted buttockial measuring paraphernalia so that we ( and our children and even our children's children ) NEVER AGAIN make the mistake of ASSumption and properly embrace buttockial perfection as it was meant to be, via a mathematical formula and intense empirical study.

For those of you that haven’t yet been privy to such formula, please check out the link [link] and/or request any further information:

Exwhorecist
Suite 666, 4th Phallic Rock from the Sanyo Cardboardbox by the van down by the river
Hell

P.S. and yes, for all of you perverts way aHEAD of the game, I don't even WANT to ponder what the formula might be for the male equivalent of such buttockery perfection......although I would imagine it probably holds true to that famous Einsteinian one of E= MC2 but in this case, the variables being ‘E’ (erection) is directly related to M ( mass, duh ) times C “horseCockian proclivities” squared. Hmm, how's that for bringing back romance into the bedroom (keep your pocket protectors on, wankers ).

PPS - lastly, yes, I guess I'm still alive but haven't been around much as you've probably noted ( or not lol ). I hope everyone is continuing to work on fabulous creative inspirationals, regardless. ]]> ~Exwhorecist http://Exwhorecist.deviantart.com/journal/7846581/ http://Exwhorecist.deviantart.com/journal/7846581/ Thu, 09 Feb 2006 12:46:15 PST lol )

2) Speaking of iconic, how about that Jagger/Stones half-time grouphug? 238 years old and yet the Mickster's still gyrating like a debutante-turned-nymphomaniac at a Spanish Fly mixer. Not too shabby, I confess, although in typical fashion, the set was sloppy (ahhh, gotta love consistency from the Stones ) and it looked like Ron Wood was too busy channeling Rod Stewart's testicles to give a damn. Still, not bad for a group who's collective ages equate to that of your standard ice-age or unwanted time-share-presentation. Oh, and of course you had to love the whole censorship thing, eh? don't want to kerfuffle the feathers of those God-fearing church folk whose heads explode (no, NOT those heads, you perverts - although perhaps that would explain why they're always seemingly ticked off ) everytime they hear a naughty inference or reference in a song or otherwise. But, hey, killing pro-choice doctors on the other hand .... ( yes yes.... I know, gotta have our priorities )

3) Main Stream Media - I'm wondering if perhaps some day in our lifetime we will see the Main Stream Media take it's collective heads out of its collective asses just for a few moments. And while we're at it, how about just stick to reporting FACTS (like, umm, what a reporter is supposed to do...as in report... umm, the FACTS... beh deee beh deee beh deeee, that's ALL, folks, yes ) instead of the inanely irrelevant and dubious 'balanced viewpoint' crock of shit (yes, we know, thanks very much, those are called EDITORIALS and belong on the Op-Ed pages and not as NEWS, @#$#@$. A typical example of this egregious practice of late might be - 'Yes, yes, of course we all agree that Hitler was evil, but come on, look at what he did for the uniform!' ). Let's see here, then, illegal wire-tapping, fixed-elections, outing CIA agents, illegal fund-raising scandals, theocratic and ideologue supreme court nominations, illegal war built upon false and manipulated intelligence, blatant incompetency (FEMA) *I could go on but we'd be here all day* and yet all the media ever does is report fucking talking points provided them by those that are responsible for all of the former ( how about actually doing your JOBS for once?). Can you say Stalinist Russia? Germany circa 1937 then? I bet you could......hope everyone has their swastikas on stand-by. Zeig Heil Herr Groupenfuhrer's Cheney/Dumbya et al

4) Ok, not to seem like a nitpicking wanker here, but what is the deal with Keifer Sutherland? is this guy in/on every single television program/commercial ever made? good fecking grief, if there is any proof cloning humans is well under way and that the first subject is KS, this has got to be it! ( I mean, it's just not feasible nor possible for one person to whore themselves out to such an extent without some form of genetic chicanery!). Seriously, the ubiquity of this lad is getting ala... ]]> ~Exwhorecist http://Exwhorecist.deviantart.com/journal/7630641/ http://Exwhorecist.deviantart.com/journal/7630641/ Tue, 17 Jan 2006 14:16:49 PST

Mind you, I guess it could've been worse - imagine if it spewed forth all the dirty talk instead (I'll let your imaginations run with that one, perverts, yes ).

[link] ]]> ~Exwhorecist http://Exwhorecist.deviantart.com/journal/7452074/ http://Exwhorecist.deviantart.com/journal/7452074/ Thu, 29 Dec 2005 23:17:04 PST
So if you have a minute why don't we go,
Talk about it somewhere only we know?
This could be the end of everything.
So why don't we go, somewhere only we know,
Somewhere only we know.

Oh, simple thing, where have you gone?
I'm getting old and I need something to rely on.
So tell me when you gonna let me in,
I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin.
So if you have a minute why don't we go,
Talk about it somewhere only we know?
This could be the end of everything.
So why don't we go, so why don't we go,

(Keane - Somewhere Only We Know) ]]> ~Exwhorecist http://Exwhorecist.deviantart.com/journal/7277325/ http://Exwhorecist.deviantart.com/journal/7277325/ Sat, 10 Dec 2005 20:28:51 PST When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down on your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I

Tears stream down on your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you.

Coldplay ]]> ~Exwhorecist http://Exwhorecist.deviantart.com/journal/6758663/ http://Exwhorecist.deviantart.com/journal/6758663/ Thu, 13 Oct 2005 15:11:17 PDT ), the REAL possibility of indictments forthcoming against some of the most powerful Rethuglicans in the Chipmster-boy's administration (Karl "666" Rove, 'Scooter' "Cheney-Butt-Boy" Libby - and even possibly "Darth Vadar" Cheney and the smirking Dubya-Chimp-boy himself - the latter two at least as unindicted co-conspirators, according to various sources. Yes, crack open the Chablis/Aqua-velva-shooters, Christmas may have come early!).

For those that are unaware of what's been going on ( ok, really, ummm, you need to get out less! and maybe even try reading a paper/internet news-site once in a while instead of limiting your surfing to Brad and Jen updates, more J-Lo butt-implant status reports, and participating in hemp-lingeried-inspired orgy marathons, feckers!), this investigation and story (specifically Judy Miller's involvement - she of the New York Times 'Weapons of Mass Destruction' and pro-War promulgation...err reporting...of a few years back; reporting that was based on what is now looking more and more to have been an ULTRA cozy *wink wink* relationship with the White House rather than based on actual ummm - what do you call those things that Dubya et al have subverted and distorted the past five years? oh yah... umm FACTS...) has been unravelling for the past couple of weeks into what is becoming THE WATERGATE scandal of our era/generation.

I confess I have been fascinated and riveted by the real-life political-noir-plotline thus far involved and the recent seemingly daily developments in what has now been almost a two year investigation by Fitzgerald. From what I have read ( and I've read ALOT, let me tell you! ), we are talking about some serious shoight here, folks. Namely, on the short-list of nefarious menu of activities by various participants involved: perjury, conspiracy, obstruction of justice and a host of other not so thuper and nasty illegalities by some VERY high-level politicos of the current Chimp-boy administration ( surprise surprise, I know )

Moreover, as a juicy side-dish, we may also be seeing the ultimate demise and dismantling of one of the Main Stream Media's flagships - The New York Times (good riddance, corporate-shill felchers ) - via their seemingly blatant culpability/involvement in some of these events. In short, it seems their 'star' Pulitzer prize winning reporter (St. Judas.. er Judith "Give Me My $1.2 Million Book Advance Now Before I Go Back to Jail - and This Time For Good" Miller, whose source on her pro-War-Weapons of Mass Destruction (Curveball Chalabi aka Pinochio-Boy 10,000) articles prior to the Iraq war turned out to be as genuine and trustworthy as a crack-addicted-whore-with-a-gambling-habit ), whom they've all along been protecting, coddling and supporting over the past four years with the unwavering blindness of a Tooth-Fairy-believing school-girl-with-no-teeth , has apparently not only lied under oath to said Grand Jury ( and got caught oops! ) but may have been personally involved in the conspiracy and 'cooking' up the pro-Iraq-War evidence as well as the subsequent cover-up ( including the outing of CIA agent Valerie Plame and attempted discrediting of her husband Ambassador Joseph Wilson - the man who personally flew to Niger prior to the Iraqi invasion to assess whether or not Iraq had attempted to buy the so called yellow-cake uranium for Nukes and who later published an Op-Ed piece criticizing the Dubya administration and their alleged information, citing that there was no such attempt by Iraq to obtain this material ) both of which are extremely serious allegations/offenses, by the way, no duh, yes..!

What is really intriguing however is that the Special Prosecutor has throughout played his cards close to the vest (and is obviously no match for the guys/gals in black hats, despite their expertise at deviousness and self-wankage-preservationals) and it is unknown at this time to what extent and just how high up the command chain indictments may be handed out. The Grand Jury is to end on October 28th but, from the looks of it, it may be extended further, given the investigation has apparently broadened substantially (and may even go further! ) over the past several months. As mentioned, we are talking about major shoight hitting the fan here, folks, as concerns the Dubya administration. I can hardly contain my glee, yes... but of course let's not count our chicken(hawks) until they're roasted (moreover, there's always... ]]> ~Exwhorecist http://Exwhorecist.deviantart.com/journal/6677729/ http://Exwhorecist.deviantart.com/journal/6677729/ Tue, 04 Oct 2005 12:21:38 PDT
Yes, we feel your pain, oh-vision-of-perfection, ye; oh tho thuper-looking botoxed/bimbox of heavenly proportions, you beacon of aesthetic purity embraced by the divine BEING to its bussom like some sort of flesh-suckling pilot fashion-fish. It's just tho thad and horrible that you had to be the one caught stuffing your perfectly shaped snout with the ole Blanca Candy, instead of someone fugly and thus more properly deserving of shame and ridicule, like say, well, umm, anyone that is not YOU, duh!.

Ahh, but don't worry, though, Katester, there's always porn to turn to ( and of course prostitution if things REALLY go boobs-up for you ) as a back-up plan. Or maybe you can simply marry - ala Anna Nicole's modus operandi - some rich geezer with a predilection for younger lasses, - be they thuper mo-dull rejects or otherwise, and spend the obligatory two to three years on your back boinking unceremoniously, at least until said geezer himself gets 'boinked' to the "other side", and reep a nice tidy inheritance for future nose-nibblies and the aforementioned Dom, Beluga and the like. All good stuff, indeed, yes. Still, no matter what, as long as you can bat those extended faux eyelashes and crump your buttock cheeks into the apropos drool-invoking positions for the chimped up masses, the world is indeed your oyster, and you can slurp it back with those thexy pouty lips like a vacuum on steroids! Hoorah for you, Ms Moss and keep on pouting until you succeed in bringing forth World Peace!

Editorial Note: please spare me the usual trite bullshit - for anyone that gives me the ole 'but Exie, models do work really hard' routine, mkay. So do truck drivers, bricklayers, street cleaners, chamber maids, and about 7 billion other people that I/you know. And by work, I mean actual WORK and not merely fluffing yourself and your nether regions for a few hours a day via an entourage worthy of a fleet of narcissistic Popes. Moreover, you don't see these types of people making ridiculous coin, being treated like God's gift to groinage/vagina-age, and being privy to every single fecking available high end comfort and opportunity in existence, all just because you happen to be born with the perfect set of 'fuck' genes and a few boob-enhancement coupons. So, yes, I'll freely admit, thuper mo-dulls make me gag, vomit, and then re-gag and re-vomit ( and possibly re-gag-vomit at the same time ). Oh, and if you happen to be wondering, no, that doesn't mean I wouldn't boink one; however, that's about the only option available, as certainly any type of long-term relationship with these people would be deemed beyond cruel and unusual punishment. Yes, even boinkage has its ugly side ]]> ~Exwhorecist http://Exwhorecist.deviantart.com/journal/6607286/ http://Exwhorecist.deviantart.com/journal/6607286/ Mon, 26 Sep 2005 17:21:48 PDT
If you aren't able to check out all of these links, I suggest at least partaking of the Donahue/Falafel-boy interview (even though it takes a little longer to load), as it is a perfect microcosm of how intelligence, compassion, REAL values (i.e. NOT the evangelical religious fucknut kind ), and common sense will always win out over ignorance, rhetoric, bullshit, intimidation, and outright hate. Kudos to Mr Donahue for kicking some Rethuglican ass. I sure hope someone in the Democratic party was paying attention.

Do check out if you have a moment.

Ex

[link] - Dolphins

[link] - Pat Tillman

[link] - Viggo Mortensen

[link] - Bill Maher

[link] - Bill O'Reilly/Donahue

UPDATE: please bear with me, as I seemed to have missed a really 'good' one - I like to call this one ode to supreme idiocy: [link] - this is truly the epitome of whacked (a list of the most oft banned books in the US - check out some of the listings, it'll make you cringe. Fuck, I hate people

One last update/link, as this one is just too much too believe - Warning: this is truly revolting and sick if it's true - but then again, man's capacity for evil knows no bounds, as we have all seen time and time again:
[link]

Unfeckingbelievable!!!!

Ok ok, I promise this is the last update for this thread - but I just heard on CNN that 'Brownie' ( you know, the failed equine expert cum 'disaster management'/"you're doin' a good job, drownie' guru ) has been re-hired as a @#$@#$@#$ consultant with respect to the *Updated AMENDMENT* evaluation of disaster response for Katerina/Rita!!! Are these guys for @#$@#$ real??!! the Dubya administration truly has gigantus balls ( or rather, is just re-emphasizing their utter contempt and disregard for the average American citizen vis a vis yet another big 'fuck you to All Americans' moment) to re-hire a guy who couldn't even tie his fucking shoelaces or identify a hole in the ground from a hurricane, and whose idiocy/inaction cost people's LIVES and millions in property damage!). Please, any of my American friends, feel free to move to Canad-er EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY. I will take thee in lol. ]]> ~Exwhorecist http://Exwhorecist.deviantart.com/journal/6549954/ http://Exwhorecist.deviantart.com/journal/6549954/ Mon, 19 Sep 2005 20:48:23 PDT ), I’m actually referring to my recent (and at this point in time - 3rd - which is unprecedented when it comes to 99% of flicks) viewing of what I believe to be one of the most brilliant cinematic masterpieces of all-time - David Lynch’s “Mulholland Drive” ( and, yes, yes, sadly, I do in fact realize it seems this flick slipped through the Exian cracks (no pun intended, feckers ), given it was made approximately 800 years go – ok 2002 but still * note to self, by the way: reduce copious Aqua-Velva ingestion in the future, feckface * ..that said, better late than never, though, no? ).

What a truly stunning visceral and cerebral feast. Not to mention all of the delightful engaging post-viewing hypothesis-seeking/analysis/sleuthing, as to what in feck actually happened, putting together the various pieces and symbolism/imagery into some sort of cohesive whole. Wow. Truly a brain twister , I confess;- one that, as the add on the DVD puts so succinctly ‘gets inside your head... and STAYS there’. Infecking deed! Genius genius and genius – and even moreso given that, notwithstanding my analysis – as well as quite a bit of research on the web – it seems there really is no true official version/explanation (Lynch, incidentally, won’t spill the beans ), and there are, rather, quite a few different scenarios which tend to encompass the various ‘facts/clues’ in the flick. That said, the one interpretation that seems to achieve somewhat of a consensus, is basically along the lines of the conclusion that I and the 3.2 remaining brain cells finally came to ( although of course I won’t be a spoiler for anyone who hasn’t seen it..needless to say, it’ll drive you nuts! as there are many red-herrings and aspects which simply will not fit cohesively, any way you piece them together * the thing to remember however is, that even the most promising scientific theory(s) cannot be representative of every and ALL possible scenarios/outcomes * .

In any event, if you haven’t seen this flick, DO FECKING CHECK OUT!! as it’s right up there with any psychological thriller ever made ( and trust me, I’ve pretty much seen them all – from Jacob’s Ladder to Irreversible to Memento to Pi to any Hitchcock flick ever produced ). And as an added bonus (for us perves, yes lol ), it has one of the most electrifying and erotic scenes I’ve seen in a (mainstream * wink * lol ) movie in a while – see? why can’t porn be like this but longer and perhaps more explicit/naughtier? lol )

Ok, pardon the mini-rant but I always get quite pumped after unearthing any sort of artistic gem, whether musical or film or otherwise. And for those of you who may be anti-Lynchers and feel pessimistic, I have to admit I’m also not a huge Lynch fan ( although I enjoyed Blue Velvet and Lost Highway nonetheless - yet didn’t really like the very uneven Wild at Heart, if truth be told ) but this particular effort blows away his entire catalogue and is really a must - MUST-see. Check it out for yourself. Again, I feel you will NOT be disappointed.( the surreal and incredibly emotive singing scene in the ‘Silencio’ Theatre alone is worth the price of admission ). As for those that have already partaken, I would love to hear what you have to say.

Allrightie, have a good one .. or not..

Exie ]]> ~Exwhorecist http://Exwhorecist.deviantart.com/journal/6476238/ http://Exwhorecist.deviantart.com/journal/6476238/ Sun, 11 Sep 2005 20:03:24 PDT
1) In the "DA Administrators are, as usual, true visionaries" category, you will note that we FINALLY have a fetish daily deviation!!!!! can it @#$@# be? I mean, we've been waiting for, what? years and years and years to be blessed by such incomparable brilliance!! such artistic genius, such pure and uncluttered composition - a complete masterpiece of a most devine talent of which we are surely not worthy?!! .......oh, umm, wait a second, ahhhh, oh geeze...ahhhh....I just remembered.... uhhhh, hmmm, oh yeah.....achhh...... that's right, didn't we have approximately 28305 of these in the past fucking year? hmmmm.....my bad!......and, oh yes.. yes...now it's all coming back to me finallly! yikes, this is a bit embaressing, I must confess......I actually DO recall now that there were three of these the past week alone. Again, my bad......

(But yah, I know I know... THIS one is a unique and original take on the female buttocks. Thank you administrators!!!!! keep these cumming!! )

( P.S. ok, don't get me wrong, folks, I LOVE fetish and erotica but, for feck sakes, can we not get some people that are actually deserving of a DD once in a while? yah, I know, another rhetorical question, just when you thought it was safe to post that fingerpainting of a gigantus vagina with wheels ).

My Buttocks is Buttock-Like - [link]

2) Laura Bush - yes, I know, we could fill several hundred thousand pages chronicling the egregious bullshit of Dubya et al as concerns their handling (errr, I mean mishandling ) of the horrific hurricane this past week and, specifically, their ( and their cronie's and other Fascist's - errr I mean Republicos' ) oh so sensitive remarks regarding same ( See Babs and her ultra-humanitarian 'thems poor people is getting upgraded at the Astrodome!!' comment ). But, me thinks it's really Mrs Dubya Jr who sums up best just how awake and in touch these people are with what's going on:

" and I also want to encourage anybody who was affected by Hurricane Corinna ...."
link: [link]

Yup, you heard correctly, folks ( go figure, hanging out with the monkey-boy all day, I guess her brain finally shrivelled up into a filbert sized globule ). Note to Bab's Jr: go back to your pliant, acquiescent, meek house-wife persona/role and shut your ugly-ass snout. I wish you'd strangle yourself with one of your poor imitation Jackie-O pillow hats.

3) A few more great links regarding the hurricane and the exquisite 'leadership' and response we've seen:

[link] : guy who told Cheney to ' go fuck yourself' ( this guy is a true American hero, by the way! ) gets 'detained'

[link] - ultra-bitch personafied...Karen Hughes (White House Bitch and, allegedly, Rove's love-hole - pardon the verbiage but when in Rome...) talking about how the images of looting are hurting the American image abroad lmao...now, that IS funny!!!!!!

Check em out if ya got a moment.

Allrightie, have a thuper one... or not..

Ex

One last thing, on the 4th year anniversary of 9/11, I just thought I would include these particular links [link] and [link] which summarize the events and also outline the extent of 'coincidences' surrounding the 9/11 incident. Think what you will of the veracity of the multitudes of items listed ( I confess I have not had the opportunity to confirm or dwelve deeper into some of these points but I may just do that for the sake of my own curiousity - that said, even if 1/4 of these are true, one would think a proper investigation ( no, not the 'fully independent ' 9/11 commission, thanks very much, but an International commission with absolutely no affiliation with or ties to the US Government ) is surely merited? ) ; however, given what we've seen thus far with the current ( and some of the past, yes ) governmental regimes, it's really not that surprising. If anything, extremely fascinating, so please take a look

( incidentally, if you don't ever hear from me again, well..... ]]> ~Exwhorecist http://Exwhorecist.deviantart.com/journal/6427440/ http://Exwhorecist.deviantart.com/journal/6427440/ Mon, 05 Sep 2005 22:00:19 PDT
This is a quote from Barbara (Vile Witch ) Bush, whilst she was being interviewed at one of the Hurricane relief centres in Houston:

"And so many of the people in the arena here, you know, were underprivileged anyway so this (she chuckled)--this is working very well for them." [link]

May she, along with Dubya and his cronies rot in hell.

More great links:

[link] watch Michael Brown ( FEMA ) squirm

Wake up America, Wake up and hold these people accountable, for once. ]]> ~Exwhorecist http://Exwhorecist.deviantart.com/journal/6404104/ http://Exwhorecist.deviantart.com/journal/6404104/ Sat, 03 Sep 2005 13:31:07 PDT
P.S. amazing that this side by side summary actually comes from CNN ( that bastion of 'unbiased' reporting, yes.... *insert mr Yuk face here* )

Take a look:
[link]

UPDATE - SEE THIS VIDEO: CLASSIC: [link]

funny, hu? how when reporters are actually AT ground zero and allowed to experience and report EVERYTHING first hand and without censorship, they finally have the guts to pursue answers ( good for you, Anderson, by the way - and shame on you, Senator Landrieu, for being a spineless Republican shill ). Oh, and how about, by the same token, sending REAL images of the casualties and situation in Iraq - the war would be over in weeks. ]]> ~Exwhorecist http://Exwhorecist.deviantart.com/journal/6388151/ http://Exwhorecist.deviantart.com/journal/6388151/ Thu, 01 Sep 2005 16:24:13 PDT ). Well, let's see.....

It's been four days after the horrific hurricane Katrina hit the Gulf Coast and, yet, New Orleans, Biloxi, Gulfport - and the other hardest hit surrounding coastal areas, are STILL in a state of complete disaster (with things not only NOT getting better but, from all reports and indications, in fact MUCH WORSE ), with people helplessly stuck with no food, no water, no communications, little to no assistance (those that are in the disaster area - police, firefighters, engineers etc, are either completely over-extended or are themselves having to seek food, water - and are also with no communication and have minimum resources to work with) and with the threat of outbreak of disease hanging over their heads, to boot ( there are dead bodies literally floating around everywhere, with no place to bury and no one to remove them, and as I write this, the problem is only getting worse because more people are dying )

And with that in mind here's the "Why People Who Voted For Bush Should Be @$#@#%#@!# Pommelled Severely" List, as it concerns this current disaster (these are some points taken from an excellent website - [link] - note: emphasis and additional commentary is mine ) :

2001: FEMA (Federal Emergency Management ) designates a major hurricane hitting New Orleans as one of the three "likeliest, most catastrophic disasters facing this country."

December 2002: After less than two years at FEMA, Allbaugh (Allbaugh, a Bush crony, was appointed to the head of FEMA - what's notable, you say? he had absolutely ZERO experience in disaster management ) announces he is leaving to start up a consulting firm that advises companies seeking to do business in Iraq. He is succeeded by his deputy, Michael Brown, who, like Allbaugh, has no previous experience in disaster management.

March 2003: FEMA is downgraded from a cabinet level position and folded into the Department of Homeland Security. Its mission is refocused on fighting acts of terrorism

Summer 2004: FEMA denies Louisiana's pre-disaster mitigation funding requests. Says Jefferson Parish flood zone manager Tom Rodrigue: "You would think we would get maximum consideration.... This is what the grant program called for . We were more than qualified for it (incidentally, for those of you that aren't aware, the Jefferson Parish is one of the hardest hit areas in New Orleans )

June 2004: The Army Corps of Engineers budget for levee construction in New Orleans is slashed. Jefferson Parish emergency management chiefs Walter Maestri comments: "It appears that the money has been moved in the president's budget to handle homeland security and the war in Iraq, and I suppose that's the price we pay

June 2005: Funding for the New Orleans district of the U.S. Army Corps of Engineers is cut by a record $71.2 million One of the hardest-hit areas is the Southeast Louisiana Urban Flood Control Project, which was created after the May 1995 flood to improve drainage in Jefferson, Orleans and St. Tammany parishes

AND FOR THE ULTIMATE:

Bush: "I don't think anyone anticipated the breach of the levees" ( source: ABC News ) ( I'm not even going to comment on this statement, as it's just another small drop in what has by now become the Dubya Bullshit Ocean )

AND EVEN MORE:

August 2005: While New Orleans is undergoing a slow motion catastrophe, Bush mugs for the cameras, cuts a cake for John McCain, plays the guitar for Mark Wills, delivers an address about V-J day, and continues with his vacation. When he finally gets around to acknowledging the scope of the unfolding disaster, he delivers only a photo op on Air Force One and a flat, defensive, laundry list speech in the Rose Garden ( oh, and I've also read that Coni-"I-didn't-knowsks-about-no-stinkin'-terrorist-attacks-which-might-involve-planes-buildings-even-though-there-were-many-reports-from-intelligence-sources-prior-to-911-that-indicated-these-types-of-attacks-were-VERY-possible-and-in-fact-probable' Rice goes on a shopping spree in New York City!


To sum this all up in one word - FUCKED

I truly feel for the people affected by this horrific catastrophe and hope that they receive the necessary help forthwith. Unfortunately, it doesn't look too promising, given that most of the Army and National Guard ( whose immediate assistance would have, I'm certain, mitigated the damage/death toll), is busy fighting a senseless, illegal, and unwinable war for Dubya et al.

UPDATE - AN... ]]> ~Exwhorecist http://Exwhorecist.deviantart.com/journal/6368266/ http://Exwhorecist.deviantart.com/journal/6368266/ Tue, 30 Aug 2005 11:04:35 PDT is but mere hours away and I will be uploading the piece this afternoon ( target time - 3PM Pacific/6PM Eastern ). Hence, prepare thyselves accordingly for what will surely be the defining moment of your lives lol. Remember, you will always be able to say that you knew me before I hit the big time :rolleyes:

Stay tuned, feckers/wankettes, gentleman/ladies, art connassieurs, nymphomaniacs, porn-hounds, libation-hounds, and all other deviant deviants in general ]]> ~Exwhorecist http://Exwhorecist.deviantart.com/journal/6307340/ http://Exwhorecist.deviantart.com/journal/6307340/ Tue, 23 Aug 2005 14:19:00 PDT
Frankly, the only thing more disturbing than all of the details coming out is the response - errrr non-response actually - of the 'mainstream media', in investigating, reporting, pursuing any of these issues and actually DOING their job. However, I suppose it's much easier to bury one's head in the sand and instead feature 24/7 ad-naseuem coverage of some missing rich white girl in Aruba ( don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to be insensitive here and I feel for the parents, but we are talking about the entire fecking World/United States here, in terms of the impact that the Iraqi War and Dubya administration are having and are continuing to have, and not just the plight of one obviously priviliged teenager who may or may not have done too much ectasy and ultimately got involved with what turned out to be a not-so-very-nice-lad on an exclusive trip to some Island paradise. Wake the @#$#@$$#@ up, Media and do your fucking job for once!).

In any event, here are some excellent links which I feel are must-reads. Take a moment and check out if you give a damn about where things are going.

MUST READ:

[link]

and these are excellent as well:

[link]

[link]

On a lighter note, I've been working on a fairly big project the past three weeks, which should hopefully be finished and uploaded soon. I do hope that you are able to check out once it's up, as I feel it's one of my best thus far. I think it'll blow thee away (at least in terms of the concept/content if not the execution lol )

Allrightie then, have a good one y'all..

Ex ]]> ~Exwhorecist http://Exwhorecist.deviantart.com/journal/6238603/ http://Exwhorecist.deviantart.com/journal/6238603/ Mon, 15 Aug 2005 21:48:25 PDT
You know you must be doin’ somethin’ right when only a few people like (or even bother to check out ) your work . Out of 55+ or so ummmm ‘watchers’, I find that one of my best pieces to date – at least from a personal standpoint ( the ‘slightly’ *insert wink * twisted ‘A Dear John Letter to Summer’ ) has actually been checked out by a grand total of 4 ( well, errr, actually 3 ) people. That is just THUPER!! God bless!

In any event, all that bullshit aside, I just wanted to again thank you Mishabuns, Femeeta, and Monsieur Stuffino (ok, OnlyMe as well and perhaps even OhnoMoment ..ok ok.. Katrinska also, and maybe even Hannahseeta...or CottonPixie ) for your fabulous support and commentary ( and for taking the time to actually read said piece(s), which, contrary to perhaps popular belief, didn't just materialize in the same moment it takes to click a @#$@#$ shutter button ).

As for the other, umm ‘watchers’, let me just take this opportunity to sincerely apologize that this latest work of mine unfortunately doesn’t fall in the INSTANTANEOUS GRATIFICATION WET DREAM category like 95% of the rest of Deviant Art’s submissions. But, hey, whadya gonna do . Next time I’ll definitely try and post something which you can immediately wank off to. Have a thuper day, y'all

Cheers,

Ex

P.S. Update - I'm going to downgrade the '95%' to 85%, as I realize there are many, many talented people (my watchers included ) who spend a great deal of time on their works and are very creative, original, and, well, highly thuper in general ]]> ~Exwhorecist http://Exwhorecist.deviantart.com/journal/6013755/ http://Exwhorecist.deviantart.com/journal/6013755/ Sat, 23 Jul 2005 14:37:37 PDT
PLEASE NOTE: This survey was specifically designed to elicit a comprehensive psychological profile and allow a proper subequent analysis of the survey-ee. I will be doing a full review of everyone’s responses and providing a personality over-view on request; hence, it is integral that you/your friends etc answer the questions honestly

1) Favorite insect :
2) Ultimate erogenous zone ( i.e. Platinum Visa Card, solarplexus, mid-hiney, goiter etc ) :
3) Roadkill-on-a-stick or Tofu-martini? :
4) First word that comes to mind when I say “poonscrabbler” :
5) Finish this sentence: one person’s orgasm is another person’s _______
6) Favorite swear-word during ‘relations’ :
7) If you had to choose, you would a) waddle naked through a high school cafeteria shouting “Poonscrabbler, Poonscrabbler”, or b) play nude-twister with ugly-ass fat people from Arkansas:
8) The fruit or vegetable that best represents your sexuality is:
9) Finish this sentence: A unicorn is to foreplay as a titmouse is to _________
10) One quirky thing you do before/during/after ‘nibblies’ is:
11) What/who is a woman’s best friend ( i.e. batteries, water bras, a eunuch with fashion tips etc ):
12) What/who is a man’s best friend ( i.e. laminated skin-mags, viagra, canines that fetch smokes/liquor etc ):
13) If I could grope one thing it would be ______ (i.e. lingerie store mannequin, self etc ) :
14) Cornish Game Hen in Aspic or Bee-flavored Skittles?:
15) (Males) The one thing I know that turns women into demons-in-bed is ______
16) (Females) The one thing I know that men think they know turns women into demons-in-bed is________
17) Peach Cobbler, Soft Porn, or ½ a dozen phallic yams?
18) What is a ‘babalak’:
19) I’d rather get the ‘freak’ on with 1) my girl/boyfriend’s furby doll, or 2) a block of fresh gorgonzola
20) If I had the money I would 1) get a boob-job 2) have a bum-tuck 3) get two boob jobs 4) get a penis enhancement 4) lie naked in bed all day eating cheetos whilst fondling the money 5) all of the above
21) Three things I know about Vancouver, Canada which are NOT in the tourist guides are:
22) (Females only ) I would pose naked for Exwhorecist because:
23) (Males) I would have my wife/girlfriend/sister/grandma pose naked for Exwhorecist because:
24) I would call my inflatable ‘companion’ (i.e. Geeves, Coco, Sally, often etc )
25) If I could do one criminal thing (i.e. beat a mime into submission, rob a hemp lingerie store etc ) and get away with it, I would:
26) One thing I learned about myself in the past 15 minutes is: ]]> ~Exwhorecist http://Exwhorecist.deviantart.com/journal/5867682/ http://Exwhorecist.deviantart.com/journal/5867682/ Thu, 07 Jul 2005 13:38:36 PDT Strangers With Candy - ok, I've been meaning to post this for some time now but for whatever reason just didn't get around to it (yes, all that stalking and hanging out in the female undergarment section of Sears has kept me quite busy ). In any event, if you enjoy brilliant writing/satire/comedic originality, you simply MUST MUST MUST pick up the DVD sets of this series ( three year's worth of episodes - sadly, it was cancelled in 2002, I believe). I can't say enough about this show ( and I think you all know my penchant for quality humour/satire/comedy runs a very close second to my obsession with sassy/kinky lingerie and thcoolgurl outfits - and no, NOT wearing, feckers lol). We are talking some sick, funny, and brilliant shoight here, folks - the kind of 'funny' that is laugh out loud, to be more precise, and has you wondering how a show like this could of fallen through the cracks in terms of not getting the accolades it so rightfully deserves (yes, you will note that I too only found out about this show recently but thank @#$@#$@# Jesus H. Pakistan *inside joke* that I did!!!)

In a nutshell, the show is based upon the old 'After School-Special' premise in terms of subject matters addressed ( i.e. racism, death of a loved one etc ) - of course that is about the ONLY thing that the two shows have in common lol, as Strangers With Candy has a vastly and diametrically opposed perspective on moral and familial dilemmas and the resolutions thereof, I assure you!. In fact, to properly demonstrate the twisted concept of the show, I feel it's better to simply recap the main character's ( Jerri Blank - played by the amazing Amy Sedaris ) personal epiphany which is delivered at the beginning of each episode:

"Hello. I'm Jerri Blank, and I'm a 46-year-old high school freshman. For 32 years I was a teenage runaway. I was a boozer, a user and a loser. My friends were dealers, cons and 18-karat pimps. But now, I'm out of jail, picking up my life exactly where I left off. I'm back in high school, living at home and discovering all sorts of things about my body. I'm finding out that though the faces have changed, the hassles are just the same".

Ok, you really have to hear/see her in action (with that horrendous overbite and ugly-ass early '70's doo! ) to appreciate the true comedic genius. Along with the exquisite supporting cast of characters - from the effeminate and ultra-sensitive art teacher 'Mr Jelinek' played by Paul Dinello, to the self-centered/acerbic history professor "Chuck Noblet' played by Stephen Colbert of "John Stewart/Daily Show' fame, to the quintessentially politically incorrect Principal "Onyx Blackman" played by Greg Hollimon ), this show has got it all!. And that's not even mentioning the huge crush I have on Maria Thayer ( who plays 'Tammi Littlenut' - the much lusted after redheaded spitfire, which Jerri oggles and shares classes with ). As Jerri would say... Mmmmmmmmphhhh!

Seriously, you have got to check this show out - I assure you, you will be instantly hooked and agree that this is one of the most original and brilliant dark-comedies to ever come out. It's just too bad that there were only three year's worth of shows produced, as it seemed to me that by the third season they had really hit their stride. Alas, at least we have these episodes to prove that brilliant writing DOES in fact exist. CHECK OUT NOW.

Ex ]]> ~Exwhorecist http://Exwhorecist.deviantart.com/journal/5782046/ http://Exwhorecist.deviantart.com/journal/5782046/ Fri, 01 Jul 2005 18:39:48 PDT
1) The "Thanks" or "Thank you" or " Thanks" or simply "" response = here's my token attempt at not being a 100% complete fecksnout and actually having to check out any of YOUR stuff. You know, I WOULD take a few seconds to take even a glimmer or a peak at some of your gallery, given the fact you actually did mine and even provided some quality commentary/feedback; however, I'm sure your artistic visions probably pale in comparison to that of my sanguine brilliance and, in reality, I am too self-fecking-absorbed to give a damn anyway, so there. But of course please do feel free to be encouraged by this one/two word response to your original comments to further peruse my artistic masterpieces and continue oggling/commenting until your snout snaps off from nodding in awed appreciation. Especially, make sure to check out my "Angry Clown Wanks Self", "Angry Clown Wanks Self and Street-Mime" and "Dog Licks Hindquarters and then Wanks Angry Clown" velvet-painting series, along with the Macaroni 'angst' collection of different sized doillies covered in fecal matter, representing antidisestablishmentarianism and the evils of gerbil-insertion, including the general decline of rodent values in the Red States)

2) The No response = if in fact it wasn't immediately and completely obvious to you that the Gods have bestowed upon me an unparalleled divine talent, you have hopefully at least now realized by my inaction that I'm obviously so far beyond your pathetic mortal artistic Universe that your existence doesn't even merit any sort of acknowledgement whatsoever. In fact, consider yourself lucky enough to have actually witnessed/perused my brilliance and allowed to briefly bask in my superior visceral and aesthetic talents vis a vis your barely worthy commentary, for I am King F*ck of Sh*t Mountain and the greatest thing since sliced bread and multiple orgasms combined (which I also happened to invent, incidentally). Worship and fawn over me, 'fave' all of my extraordinarily illustrious and exceptionally original catalogue and make sure to buy 4 zillion copies of my ugly-ass overpriced prints, you mere mortal doinkwank, or I and the Art-Gods will smote thee with our all-encompassing artistic powers and turn you into a 14-goitered drooling legless yak with a Number 2 pencil stuck in its hindquarters. Spread the word of my greatness and spread it NOW, and keep spreading it until the people you tell of my brilliance vomit their entire innards out and fingerpaint a gigantus mural in my honour. For it is surely written. In the name of the Father, the Son, and Blow-Me Monthly. Amen.

3) The 'Feck you and your ugly/dumb-ass comments' response - ok, now this at least one can understand. Simple, effective, and to the point, and excellent at negating any sort of stalking propensity which a deviant might envision after perusing a deviant's gallery (this one is handy for all the female deviants who like to post risque photos of themselves frolicking with their vagina in its natural - or unnatural, for that matter - state ). Also, always handy when 'constructive criticism' suddenly turns into a matter of personal taste vis-a-vis the "I really like what you've done here but I think it would be even better if you added some Angry-Clowns-Wanking in the background" comments.

HAPPY FECKING CANUCKLEHEAD DAY!! [link] ]]> ~Exwhorecist http://Exwhorecist.deviantart.com/journal/5656420/ http://Exwhorecist.deviantart.com/journal/5656420/ Wed, 15 Jun 2005 13:23:30 PDT
Ever wonder what's going to happen when car manufacturers start to run out of the cool animal names for their vehicles? ( and it's already getting kind of cheesy so you can imagine how much more frommage is to be anticipated in the near future ). Here's some quality samplings which come to mind as possibilities - the Ford Titmouse (SUV for the sensitive ), Dodge Sloth ( although, given the biological sloths's tendency to spend most of its time upside down, I suppose it would not exactly be marketed from a safety reassurance standpoint ), Volkswagen Game Hen ( like the VW Rabbit but with less oomph; however, much comfier interior ), Honda Half-a-Bee ( great handling, turning radius, nasty front bumper and honeycomb interior make it ideal for Death Race 2000 participation ), Chrysler Chihuahua ( great mile-age but car shakes like a, well, umm, a Chihuahua going through crack withdrawal, in any sort of inclement weather ), Toyota Hedgehog ( country driving for the country bumpkin with class ). Feel free to add your own.


And in the 'food for thought' category ( literally )......I think the next craze or pop culture phenom will be gherkin pets. Yes, gherkin pets. Buy one, name it ( a cool moniker would be 'Pickles', yes - or perhaps something more esoteric like 'Seagreeves' or 'Consuella' ), count the warts, and observe it in its natural pickle state while it co-habitates a jar with a bay-leaf on a nightstand near your bed. Little or no care required ( pet it occasionally and change the pickle brine once in a while and voila, a chic and sexy addition to your mundane/ugly-ass life) and yet you have an awesome conversation piece and pseudo-pet, to boot. Also of great assistance in getting rid of unwanted post-coitus over-night guests in the morning by stuffing said pickle-age down the third-party's underpants or perhaps even proposing a three way manage-a-gherkin ( if that won't get them the hell out of there, not sure what else will - mind you, you're on your own if you do happen to run into someone who's actually game on the kinky three-way-pickle fest ). If anyone starts marketing this idea, by the way, y'all know from whence it came from and I will demand restitution.


Later.......or not...

Ex ]]> ~Exwhorecist http://Exwhorecist.deviantart.com/journal/5614158/ http://Exwhorecist.deviantart.com/journal/5614158/ Sat, 11 Jun 2005 10:17:54 PDT
You have to work out what the letters mean. See No. 0 as an example. According to MENSA, if you get 19 + of these, you are a "genius". Only 2 MENSA members achieved full marks. See how well you do.

Scoring:1 to 5 is Average, 6 - 11 Somewhat Intelligent, 12 to 18 Intelligent, 19 + Genius


No..Cryptic........Answer

0) 24 H in a D = 24 Hours in a Day
1) 26 L of the A
2) 7 D of the W
3) 7 W of the W
4) 12 S of the Z
5) 66 B of the B
6) 52 C in a P (WJs)
7) 13 S in the USF
8) 18 H on a G C
9) 39 B of the O T
10) 5 T on a F
11) 90 D in a R A
12) 3 B M (S H T R)
13) 32 is the T in D F at which W F
14) 15 P in a R T
15) 3 W on a T
16) 100 C in a R
17) 11 P in a F (S) T
18) 12 M in a Y
19) 13=UFS
20) 8 T on a O
21) 29 D in F in a L Y
22) 27 B in the N T
23) 365 D in a Y
24) 13 L in a B D
25) 52 W in a Y
26) 9 L of a C
27) 60 M in a H
28) 23 P of C in the H B
29) 64 S on a C B
30) 9 P in S A
31) 6 B to an O in C
32) 1000 Y in a M
33) 15 M on a D M C


Let me know how y'all did n such ( or not lol ) ]]> ~Exwhorecist http://Exwhorecist.deviantart.com/journal/5584109/ http://Exwhorecist.deviantart.com/journal/5584109/ Tue, 07 Jun 2005 21:34:37 PDT
1) Speaking of observations, would someone please tell me why ‘good’ doesn't rhyme with ‘food’? I mean, really, who was the phonic genius behind this Eeengleeesh malfeasance? such a natural combination/commonality and yet no forethought given, regardless, to the phonetic aesthetic ( hey, that rhymes – someone throw me a cookie or, even better, a few noodies). It's a shame, really, but I guess I'll try and work through this nonetheless.

2) Speaking of rhymes - is there any REAL word that rhymes with 'orange'? and don't be givin' me no Dr. Seussian esque blorange/coforange/abnasnicklesnoutstorange composite creations or onomatopoeia-ic foreign linguistic examples, feckers, I want a real Eeeengleeesh word.

3) Speaking of Dr. Seuss, I wonder how his pillow talk was? I'll take you dear, I'll take you here, Take off your panties and brassier; I’ll fondle this, I’ll drool on that, I’ll spank your buttocks ‘till their flat.

4) Speaking of brassier, it just made me think of brassieres - but you know, the thexy ones that are sheer and ultra-sheer ( hmmm, another rhyme, would you look at that, I'm quite the scat ) and avail the common man with quality visuals of the boob-age form and all its/their pointyness * sigh* * drool *

5) Speaking of boob-ages and brassiers, isn’t it amazing what sort of bra technology is available these days? I mean, really, pretty much every single woman’s boobages look absolutely fabulous in all their boob-age-ian glory ( ok, not that I’m looking, feckers but jes sayin’ is all – not like I’m dead...well, only emotionally....). Let’s all have a moment of appreciation for the wonder-bra and all subsequent technical and structural advancements in said boobage garmentry since the age of the coconut-bra.

6) Speaking of coconuts, do people actually drink the milk out of these thangs? and why is there milk in the damn things anyway? are coconuts all female? ( hence, the coconut bra relationship? ) or vice versa? I don’t know, but what I do know is that they’re quite ubiquitous on Gilligan’s Island ( apparently they make great beaker-substitutes and general laboratory gear, as the Professor demonstrated )

7) Speaking of Gilligan’s Island, the eternal debate continues to rage with no clear consensus apparent: yes, who was hotter - Ginger or Mrs Howell? well, in my humble opinion, let’s just say she wasn’t called “Lovey” for nothin’. Yup, me thinks that Thurston had some hot-island-monkey nookie, I can assure thee ( women in sun-hats and evening gloves are tho thexy ).

8) Speaking of sexy, did I mention boobages? no, wait, that’s already been covered ( at least for the next 8.3 seconds )...speaking of island-monkey-nookie, did you know that the Bonobo ape is one of the few creatures known to engage in sexual hijinx with both genders? In fact, the Bonobo society is essentially based on sex – a bonobo will engage in sexual relations rather than react in a hostile manner to another bonobo ( or angry donkey, for that matter – no one ever accused the bonobo of not being kinky, yes ). Pen me in with respect to my reincarnation.

9) Speaking of reincarnation, I hope all ‘beautiful people’ come back as ugly-ass wart-hogs with severe overbites, hillbilly fashion sense, and a dozen self-aware goiters with Tourettes synrdome. Meanwhile, I hope all my ex girlfriends come back as giant walking vaginas – oh wait, that’s what they were in this life  ( I kid I kid .. or do I? )

10) Speaking of life, well, it sucks but whatdya gonna do. The only alternatives? heavy sedation via liquor/drugs or Dr. Kevorkian do-it-yourself home-kit. At this point, it’s 6 of one and half a dozen of the other.

Ponder away, feckers, there WILL be a quiz. ]]> ~Exwhorecist http://Exwhorecist.deviantart.com/journal/5507266/ http://Exwhorecist.deviantart.com/journal/5507266/ Mon, 30 May 2005 23:18:26 PDT
1 ) "How to be Successful with Women" aka "10,001 Ways to Treat Women Like Shit"

2 ) "Evangelicals: God's Children" aka “ How I learned to Hate Homosexuals and Preach Intolerance”

3 ) "How to Improve Love-making with your Husband” aka "How to Coax Your Wife's Sister into a Manage a Trois"

4 ) "Intelligent Design Theory” aka “The Earth May Very Well Still be Flat, How Do We Really Know for Sure Theory?"

5) "How to Improve Love-Making with your Wife” aka “The Comprehensive Guide to Separate Spousal Holidays, Vibrators and 14 inch-tongued Cabana Boy-Hiring"

6 ) "What do Women Really Want in a Man?” aka “Get Your Ugly-Ass Down to Visa for a Platinum Card, if you ever want to see any Poontang, Feckface"

7) “How to Get Ahead in Life” aka “Step by Step Instructions on How to Bend-Over” aka “How Much Dick are You REALLY Willing to consume?”

8) “What is the True Meaning of Existence” aka “How to Achieve a Quick and Painless Death”

9) “Maximizing Deviant Art Page Views” aka “Look Ma, I can spread my legs THIS far”

10) “Most Memorable Republican Success Stories” aka “Bush Jr Ties Shoelaces!”

11) “How to Attain World Peace” aka “Bombing the Shit out of Anyone with a Different Ideology is Good Thang”

12) “How to Make a Marriage Work” aka “Penis/Breast Enhancement Now Affordable ”

13) “Don’t Ever Give Up Your Dreams” aka “Heroin Is Your Friend”

14) “The Future has Endless Possibilities” aka “There is a Sanyo or Toshiba-Card-Board Box Domicile with Your Name On it”

15) “You Can Do Anything” aka “Would You Like Fries With That, Sir/Mamn?”

Feel free to add your own, feckers.


P.S. Thanks for responding to my Sin-City flickage ramblings, feckers ]]> ~Exwhorecist http://Exwhorecist.deviantart.com/journal/5492299/ http://Exwhorecist.deviantart.com/journal/5492299/ Sun, 29 May 2005 10:56:32 PDT
A very dark and almost surreal comic book scape backdrop ( in a word – WOW, the visuals alone are worth the price of admission ) comes alive in a series of vignettes, one of which features an absolutely wonderful performance from Mickey Rourke ( yes, Mickey fecking Rourke! ), playing an over-the-top-killer-ex-con-low-life but with-the-virtues-of-Sir-Lancelot, and looking like one-too-many-a-steam-roller parked on his snout, steals the show, folks - with his hellbent mission to avenge his one-night-stand’s-‘girlfriend’s’ death at any cost, while a creepy-looking and dialogue-free ( yes, there is a God ) Elijah Wood, plays a demented cannibal serial murderer akin to Frodo on a psychotic-inducing angel-dust trip gone way wrong, right down to the steely blue-eyed maniacal glaze-over stare as he gets his comeuppance in an absolutely surreal and twisted gore segue mid-film.

Meanwhile, Bruce Willis ( he of the quasi-Octogenarian set ) also puts in his usual solid performance of late, as an over-the-hill, gritty, world-weary and downtrodden cop ( so what if he’s typecast, the lad was BORN to play the gritty/downtrodden/world-weary detective with altruistic motives ) whose sole remaining purpose in life is to rescue and protect an 11 year old girl from a grisly rape/torture/death at the hands of a demented Senator’s son.

Ok, I’ll shut my snout now, as I could go on and on about this flick ( I haven’t even gotten into the pervasive but finely orchestrated, nonetheless, erotic and sexual overtones of the work, which completed the necessary film-noir triumvirate orgiastosphere smorgasbord) but will instead let you check out for yourselves. I can say that I will be first in line to buy the DVD when it comes out and, in fact, may check it out again on the big screen, such was my reaction to this dark, comic-book masterpiece ( Frank Miller surely must have been pleased with the result ). In a nutshell, this is not only a movie but an actual WORK OF ART and I highly recommend anyone with an appreciation of such to go check this out. Finally, something truly original and visually mind-blowing, ultra-creative and with outstanding performances.

Ex ]]> ~Exwhorecist http://Exwhorecist.deviantart.com/journal/5462466/ http://Exwhorecist.deviantart.com/journal/5462466/ Wed, 25 May 2005 23:33:49 PDT
Paris Hilton – surprise! ahhh, our favorite ‘that’s hot’ lass just won’t crawl back under whatever STD encrusted rock she originally climbed out from. Sacred Bleue. Tabernacle. Yes, folks, another video of said ‘supersore – errr star’ on t.v., but this time flogging burgers whilst washing a Bentley in some sausy garmentries ( earth to Paris, is there anyone in the Universe who has not been privy to your vaginal visages?! why even bother with any saucy garementires? why not just teach your cooch to talk and save us the ‘titilation’, hon? ). Oooooo, that’s tho thexy!!!. Too bad, however, in that the producers of the advert spot failed to tell us, - yes, Ms Hilton actually had that car up her vagina prior to shooting. Now THERE is talent! 

Laura Bush – ahhhh, good ole Laur.... first she’s telling horsecock jokes to her constituents ( hmmm, I did NOT know that Evangelicals enjoyed a good horsecock joke! who woulda thunk? ) and now she’s touring the Middle East for a bit of a good-will gesture. Good will gesture? fuck that, let’s put her on the forefront of the women’s movement in the Middle East with all the rest of Afghani and Iraqi women and see how far that ugly-ass coiff and mousy-half-witted/wax-like Chesire grin, and her oil pedigree get her before she’s raped, sodomized and branded as a whore just like the good ole status quo we keep hearing about in these countries. Hey, gotta love just how much of a difference America has made for the women’s movement in the Middle East, no?! Thank ye, Bush Brother!

Ok, I’m too fecking pist to continue lol. Stay tuned for more ‘goodies’, however, in the near future.

Yours truly,

Ex-fuck-you-if-you’re-pro-Bush-Brother-y ou-complete-asshole-you ]]> ~Exwhorecist http://Exwhorecist.deviantart.com/journal/5444084/ http://Exwhorecist.deviantart.com/journal/5444084/ Tue, 24 May 2005 00:33:42 PDT
Remember when you were young, you shone like the sun.
Shine on you crazy diamond.
Now there's a look in your eyes, like black holes in the sky.
Shine on you crazy diamond.
You were caught on the cross fire of childhood and stardom,
blown on the steel breeze.
Come on you target for faraway laughter, come on you stranger,
you legend, you martyr, and shine

You reached for the secret too soon, you cried for the moon.
Shine on you crazy diamond.
Threatened by shadows at night, and exposed in the light.
Shine on you crazy diamond.
Well you wore out your welcome with random precision,
rode on the steel breeze.
Come on you raver, you seer of visions, come on you painter,
you piper, you prisoner, and shine

( Pink Floyd - Wish You Were Here - Shine on you Crazy Diamond ) ]]> ~Exwhorecist http://Exwhorecist.deviantart.com/journal/5387742/ http://Exwhorecist.deviantart.com/journal/5387742/ Tue, 17 May 2005 22:46:58 PDT
The only thing I like more than groping in-store mannequins is ______

My orgasms are akin to ___

In a word, woman are _____ and men are _______

My most memorable experience involving a tube-top was _____

If I had to choose one female/male characteristic to determine my soulmate it would be _____ (ps, no fecking bullshit, please – i.e. the usual “Oh, I love a sense of humour (for females ) or, Oh, I love sensitivity ( again for females ) or, Oh, I love the way she smokes hams and makes ruttabaga custard (for males )

My biggest fear is ______

I fondle myself ____ times a week ( hey, it’s just research, feckers, really )

My ultimate turn-on is ______

One thing I can say about art and the creative process is ________

One thing I can say about Ex is ______ ( be nice, feckers lol - I kid, be nice or nasty as long as ye are honest ) ]]> ~Exwhorecist http://Exwhorecist.deviantart.com/journal/5369140/ http://Exwhorecist.deviantart.com/journal/5369140/ Mon, 16 May 2005 08:23:26 PDT
Ok, if I'm assuming incorrectly about DA, I apologize; however, I feel it's rather unlikely and that instead, DA is being its usual feckfaced/duplicitous, inconsistent and hypocritical bastid selves.. GRRRRR

Cheers and, did I mention, a big fuck you to the powers that be.

Ex

P.S. pardon the rant, but if there is anything more insidiuous than arbitrary censorship, I haven't seen it. God bless

Ok, update to the above

Well, it seems I blew a cranial gasket for naught, as it appears there were some glitches in uploading and displaying new deviation submissions and not a DA conspiracy. Hence, although I stand by what I said in terms of the often hypocritical nature of DA and my outright disgust/outrage at censorship and hypocrisy in general, my apologies for the above assumptions in this particular case. Thank you OnlyMe, though, for being ye and the words of encouragement and support. I love ya! ]]> ~Exwhorecist http://Exwhorecist.deviantart.com/journal/5306157/ http://Exwhorecist.deviantart.com/journal/5306157/ Mon, 09 May 2005 21:29:00 PDT
True story: the other day, while driving to work in the morning, I saw a black guy in a fecking major pimp hat driving a beige Toyota Camry... ( hmmm, I guess bidness not so good these days? or are Camry’s the new pimpmobiles? someone help me out here. )

My imaginary existential friend has recently validated mankind's darkest thoughts – in today’s society, all men are filthy pigs and all women whores. It’s time we all finally embraced precluding middle-ground.

[link]
^^^^^ I knew I was right!!!!!!!! ( thank you, Lovelass and Stuffins! ). Pure Brilliance

American Idol is truly one of the vilest shows I’ve ever encountered. To all those ( real ) musicians that have toiled in obscurity – and continue to do so - crafting songwriting, musical and compositional skills till the wee hours of the morning day in and day out ( editorial note: in my younger years ( yes, 1929-1938 ) I would practice scales and chords to the extent that the fingers of my fretting hand would bleed regularly, such was my desire and passion to improve my skills and writing ) this show is the ultimate fucking disgrace. Not only does it discourage creativity , originality and the love and inimitable synergy that makes for great music, it has reaffirmed that the only thing that matters is who the best fucking poser is. Music is, for all intents and purposes, dead. Make that art in general ( notwithstanding some of my most excellent and creative Deviant pals )

I am addicted to “Curb Your Enthusiasm” – I have seasons 1-3 ( a friend gave season’s 1-2 to me for my birthday and I was instantly hooked ). Larry David ( creator of Seinfeld and star of this show ), is a fecking cynical and neurotic genius. Did you hear me? I said GENIUS. If any of you liked Seinfeld, go out and get these DVDS NOW... for I would have to say that the comedy, sarcasm, plot-portents, introspection and study of the human condition is superior than 99.9% of all that is out there.

I wonder why people in love have to be such assholes. Fecking love gene. Jes sayin is all.

I saw my death in a recent dream. It wasn’t as if it was unexpected but I must say I was surprised at the lack of quality production values. Sadly, as in life... as in death *if you felt this quasi-introspection was deep, please send $29.95 and a dozen tainted syringes filled with draino to c/o Exwhorecist * . Come on, don’t give me that offended, disparaging look, feckers, it’s only text and squirming is good for the soul.

In any event, have a great night and Happy Mother’s Day to those that fall within the domain – or soon will.

Despite all, love you, Mom.

Ex ]]> ~Exwhorecist http://Exwhorecist.deviantart.com/journal/5265703/ http://Exwhorecist.deviantart.com/journal/5265703/ Wed, 04 May 2005 14:12:59 PDT
American I-ho - the adult industry's prime-time version of American Idol ( Simon Cockring: "that blow job was absolutely offol....")

Gun-rack-racks, Rack-racks

Dogs wearing leg warmers while playing polo ( riding miniature zebras )

Make up sex DURING an argument

Swiss Holes with no cheese

Fat enhancement procedures for anorexics and/or fat-fetish lovers

Boobage piercings linking both boobages

Computers with gender ( for virtual sex )

The Snoutfuck Awards - awarded to the most vacuous, dim-witted, insipid, grating and unpalatable entertainment personality of the year (early nominees - Paris Hilton ( life-time achievement category), Nicole Ritchie, Kid Rock, Pamela Anderson, Ashton Kutcher, J-Lo, Ashley and Jessica Simpson, Matt Leblanc, Jennifer Aniston... too many others to name...)

Kirstin Dunst sex doll ]]> ~Exwhorecist http://Exwhorecist.deviantart.com/journal/5129116/ http://Exwhorecist.deviantart.com/journal/5129116/ Tue, 19 Apr 2005 11:34:39 PDT
1) SexyHooterMama18 is actually 58 year old Prairie-Dog-Jerky vender, Billy Jo Ticscratcher Jr. from the Ozarks lookin' for some late night lovin' as a result of the newly passed Farm Animal Sex Act Law

2) BRB = 1) " I'm just going to take off my underpants so I can get sexy with the keyboard" 2) My wife /husband/companion just got home and I've got nothing on underneath this Barney the Dino costume except for my greased up hide"

3) ASL? means "Are you lookin' for some dirty textual nookie with a viagra mainlining octogenarian/septuagenarian?"

4) LOL = you are such an asshole! but I’ll nonetheless pretend to laugh at your dumb-ass comments about your pet titmouse, “Horatio” resembling a young Geraldo Rivera, if it means you are going to eventually forward noodies.

5) LMAO = 1) I can't believe you used the word poontang in a sentence 2) Jesus @#$@#$ Christ, how much bullshit do I have to put up with before you are going to forward those noodies?

6) - Lookout, purple kielbasa at 3 o'clock

7) I’ve got a recent photo of me on my home-page = I’ve got a recent photo of a Sears underwear model on my home page because a real photo of me will induce days worth of projectile vomiting and put you into therapy for 12 months.

8) Good night, all, I've gotta get going here – early day tomorrow = I think the Star Trek/Doogie Houser/Erkel marathon is on soon and I haven’t put on my rubber underpants/pajamas yet. Also, I have a meeting with my parole officer in the morning.

9) PM'd "Hi, how are you, wanna chat?" = I've only got 10 minutes before lock down

10) I've met him/her in real life but it didn't work out = I was slapped with a restraining order and am doing community service for the next 6 months ]]> ~Exwhorecist http://Exwhorecist.deviantart.com/journal/5111269/ http://Exwhorecist.deviantart.com/journal/5111269/ Sun, 17 Apr 2005 11:41:39 PDT
Chicken (Bone) Pod Pie – Ingredients: ½ sack of uncut bones ( small rodent is best but any bones will do ) , one pod ( old Styrofoam burger container is best but feel free to improvise ) Directions: put bones into pod; eat. Results: Mmmmmmmm, fresh ( or even not so fresh ) chicken (bone) pod pie. One of the original hobo favorites. A true slice of Americana

Cardboard a l’orange – Ingredients: 4 x 4 inch cardboard sliced thin ( Sony or Sanyo appliance box preferred ), ¼ cup of discarded orange peels, one cup of rainwater ; Directions: marinate peels in rainwater for half hour, arrange peels on cardboard in festive ripple crescent shape, eat. Results: delicious savoir faire for the discriminating hobo and/or hobette

Drywall Dumplings – Ingredients: 3 cups of diced dry-wall from abandoned brownstone, ¼ cup chalky substance or reasonable facsimile, two heaping teaspoonfuls of Aqua-Velva, 4 tennis balls. Directions: Peel and cut tennis balls in half, mix in 2/3rd’s of diced dry wall with spoonful of chalky substance into one half of cut tennis ball. Stir for 6 hours or until slightly sludgy. Add in quarter spoonful of aqua-velva and stir until consistent texture. Cover with other half of tennis ball ( follow same directions for remaining dumplings ). Cook over oil-drum fire for 25 minutes ( or 35 minutes for smoky barbecue/crispy flavour ). Serves four to eighty. Results: a mid-week time-saving favorite for the contemporary hobo on the go. Voted top culinary delight in the prestigious French L’Hobo Manger De Juor magazine.

Lo-Cal Hobo Casserole Surprise ( Seasonal ) – Ingredients: 1 small rodent ( squirrel, chinchilla, or woodchuck preferred but use whatever is available/in season ) , one cup heated tar , 2 pinches of boxcar grease, one oxo cube ( or pinch of sandbox dirt if ingredient not available ), high-speed mixer. Directions: julienne small rodent’s hindquarters, torso, and tail and separate, combine in all ingredients and turn mixer on high for 10 minutes until mixture has consistency of liquid cheese. Pour into tinfoil mold and simmer until lumpy. Serve and eat. Results: Simply put, the Hobo’s Pièce de Résistance of boxcar dining. A lo-cal venison substitute homage to French cuisine noveau faire. This one will appease even the fussiest of urban hobo palettes. ]]> ~Exwhorecist