http://search.deviantart.com/?q=by:Feardrops&section=today deviantART RSS for by:Feardrops en-us Copyright 2009, deviantART.com Fri, 18 Dec 2009 18:19:21 PST deviantART.com http://blogs.law.harvard.edu/tech/rss http://s.deviantart.com/minish/widgets/apple-touch-icon-precomposed.png http://Feardrops.deviantart.com/journal/12077840/ http://Feardrops.deviantart.com/journal/12077840/ Tue, 06 Mar 2007 07:55:50 PST I actually left this account and started a new one.
It was deleted by DeviantArt without warning or prompt.
Pissed me off for a long time.
A website that literally translates into "perverted, counter cultured artworks" deletes my account for obscenity.
Just doesn't make a lot of sense.

Uhhhh...Lots of new stuff.
My life's cycle has led me down a road to photography.
It's what I want to do.
So, I'm trying.

Getting married soon enough.
Still love Jessica.

Until next year, probably...

-Cody.

]]> ~Feardrops http://Feardrops.deviantart.com/journal/8539371/ http://Feardrops.deviantart.com/journal/8539371/ Fri, 21 Apr 2006 09:19:05 PDT
In September of 2005, I finally purchased a Canon 350D XT. It is the most happy I've ever been purchasing a camera, and it's worked wonders. I recently bought a Sigma 70-300 MM Lens to accompony me. I'm actually going to try and turn this into a profession.

Jessica and I are funding our marriage. And that is going along very nice. She makes me happy, and hopefully I do the same for her. Either way, June 15th, 2007 is the working date. At this point of my existence, I've never been happier.

All of my friends are gone. Rob moved to Quincy. He comes back every couple weeks, but I despise the majority of his other friends. Simply out of the fact that I think they are retarded. I slowly see him changing, and I don't like it. The final brick for him deciding to move was when the girl he was trying to see fucked him over, as usual. Her name is Zana, and she's a dumb, ignorant bitch.
Stephan and Adam are gone. I'm a little more upset about all of this, because they are 8 hours away. I talk to them every day, and I can tell by the safety of an IM box that they want to come home, but don't want to face the ridicule associated with it. That, and the town we live in is redneck USA, and if you don't farm or do factory work, you're pretty much fucked. Jessica and I plan to leave this shithole too. Just not until we're ready. And I know neither one of them were ready to leave. Either way, I miss the fuck out of them, and anticipate their return.

Vidblogs? Oh...I've made a couple. They've really taken a backseat, though, as I'm pretty much swamped from taking photos every day. Either way...here they are...

VidBlogs.

I've lost friends, gained friends, had bands, lost bands, taken photos, lost moments, battled depression and am now blessed with marriage.

All within half a year. Wild, huh? ]]> ~Feardrops http://Feardrops.deviantart.com/journal/8309523/ http://Feardrops.deviantart.com/journal/8309523/ Wed, 29 Mar 2006 22:12:46 PST ~Feardrops http://Feardrops.deviantart.com/journal/6227845/ http://Feardrops.deviantart.com/journal/6227845/ Sun, 14 Aug 2005 19:11:49 PDT
-Cody. ]]> ~Feardrops http://Feardrops.deviantart.com/journal/5006284/ http://Feardrops.deviantart.com/journal/5006284/ Tue, 05 Apr 2005 12:19:06 PDT
I don't know what's causing my dad to become enraged so easily. I don't know if it's the alcohol, or something else, but when he becomes infatuated with anger, it causes me too as well, and I am tired of it. I REALLY am tired of it. It's beginning to scare me, to be honest.
It's almost as if he is taking all of his frustration from the month prior, and using it against me. Being called a fat slob, useless, loser, and at least a failure. He doesn't realize how much that bothers me. I can't stand someone calling me a loser that I try to hold the utmost respect for. And it's always over the same bullshit. Last night, for instance, we ate at Diamond Dave's at 3-ish. That was all great, but Jessica and I left for take some photos, and got back around 9. Admittingly, I was getting hungry. So I walked into the house to see dad and Dakota (and if you didn't already know, he is like my dad's fucking side kick) eating breaksticks from Domino's. "Hell Yeah!" I thought to myself. "I can go get some breaksticks!" So I asked, and I got the obvious, "God damn, how much food do you need to fucking eat?!" "Shit." I knew something was going to happen out of it. So I told him "Yah, I'm hungry." So Dakota chimes in with something irrelevent to the conversation as always, so I told him to just but out, and that it was none of his god damn concern. So it became an argument between us, and Dakota walked up like he was going to hit me, and took a swing at me. Fuck That! If Dakota was going to swing like he wanted to fight, he better be ready, right? Regardless of age, I am sick of that little piece of shit hitting me, and not getting disciplined for it. He's going to be a fucking axe murderer, you just fucking watch. Since the first punch didn't hit, I didn't do anything, except tell him to get the hell away from me or I was going to "knock his teeth down his throat." He didn't listen. He swung at me again, this time connecting with me shoulder. He knew he fucked up, because he turned around and tried to run behind dad. Of course he didn't do anything when Dakota punched, mind you at full force, so Dakota knew he wasn't in trouble. I needed to let him know that he was NOT to hit me again, so I swung at him, and hit him in the arm. He came back and punched me again, so I hit him again, same spot. It must of hurt, because he threw another punch, right at my chest and tried to run. "That's it!" I thought, I rose my fist up, and punched him in the back. He was not going to hit me again! No way. So, of course, dad then got up and proceeding to tell me I was a "Fucking Drop-Out Loser." First of all, I'm not a fucking loser, and second of all, who the hell is he to call me one? What has he done with his life to look down on me like I was some sort of vermon. So I pretty much said that, and he replied, "Just get out, you can move in with your mom." Oh Christ. This bullshit AGAIN! What the fuck is wrong with him? So, I left, to cool down and not lash out on him as well. Jessica bought me a few soda's, and we went back to the house to cool down for a second. We walked back inside, and it got extremely bad. I've chose not to go into details, but I am going to say he did something he never should of, and he knows he shouldn't of done it. I know he regrets it, but he won't say it to me. And I've also chose to get a job. My friend Rob is getting an apartment above the Chuck Wagon for 350 a month. A few appliances are free too, which is good. If I can't find somewhere else to stay, then I think that is the route I am going to take. Mainly because...I can't handle this shit anymore.
I can't handle my dad treating Dakota like he is royalty, and treating me like the red-headed step child.
I can't stand Dakota getting away with murder pretty much, hitting me, verbally abusing me, anything else. Nothing is said.
I hate not being able to defend myself when Dakota hits me. I know he is my brother, but I REALLY hate that kid.
I hate that Jessica has to deal with this shit too. That isn't right. It's wrong for her to have to deal with my problems. I am glad she is here, because I couldn't live with myself without her reassurance.
It's just...my dad, the one guy I looked up to as a child, the same guy that use to take me to car shows, play with bands, talk great about me, took me on late night soda runs, and overall, being my friend has completely deteriorated. There is no relationship anymore. Ever since he lost his job at Stone Container, he has began to ruin himself, and ruin my self-image as well. I am glad I have a strong will, because if I didn't...I'd be fucked. The teenage years are the most influental and hard... ]]> ~Feardrops http://Feardrops.deviantart.com/journal/4642759/ http://Feardrops.deviantart.com/journal/4642759/ Tue, 22 Feb 2005 03:37:16 PST
You
It's for you
Only you
It's for you

I never know
I never care
I never believe my people
I'll tell you what I say
I never lie
I never try
I never cry for you people
I'll push you
Push away
As you lonely people
Keep on running around my door
Yes, you lonely people
Keep on begging
Beg for more
And I'll cry for you
Yes I'll die for you
Pain in my heart it is real
And I'll tell you now how I feel inside
Feel in my heart it's for you

It's for you
Only you
It's for you


I'll never try
I'll never die
I'll never push for you people
I'll tell you how I feel
I'll never lie
I'll never cry
I'll never try for you people
I'll tell you, yes it's real
And you lonely people
Keep on passing time away
Yes you lonely people keep on passing,
Pass away

And I'll cry for you
Yes, I'll die for you
Pain in my heart it is real
And I'll tell you now how I feel inside
Feel in my heart it's for you
And I'll take everything
As it comes my way
Pushin' your pain 'round my door
Will I cry for you as I die for you
Is this blood on my hands all for you?

You shiver
And shudder
Recovers your mother
You feel it take control
All alone
Feel alive
In your soul

Come around town
Steal another dime
Take another line
Won't you feel it
Blanket your soul
Out of mind

Come around town
Steal another dime
Do another crime
Won't you get it higher & higher
Roll through time

Come around town
Steal another dime
Don't you push your drugs in my face
Yes, I'm feeling
Feeling fine
Don't you push your drugs in my face
Or I'm gonna put you in your place
Fuck you
I don't want it no more
And it's mine
Said this pain in my heart is all mine
Yes, it's mine all alone

I don't want it no more
I don't want it no more
I don't want it no more
I don't want it no more

And it's mine on my own
Yes, it's mine all alone
As I cry for you
Yes, I'll die for you
Pain in my heart, it is real
And I'll take
Everything as it comes my way
Feel in my heart it's for you
And I'll lie for you as I die for you
Pain in my heart it is real
And I'll tell you now
How I feel inside
Fuck you
It's for you

]]> ~Feardrops http://Feardrops.deviantart.com/journal/4634891/ http://Feardrops.deviantart.com/journal/4634891/ Mon, 21 Feb 2005 03:54:58 PST
Saturday, I wake up to Jessica pulling the blankets off me saying, "Stephan just told me you cheated on me twice, Cody, we need to talk about this." She expected me to get pissed off, naturally, and I was. But I knew it was a lie, and was pretty shell shocked, and half-detailed at the time. So I didn't over react. Stephan came in the room and denied exactly what he had told Jessica. Again, proving that he has no spine. Jessica started to cry and left. I sat and stared at the door for nearly an hour. Inside, I was full of contempt and anger, and I wanted to lash out at something. But I didn't. I'm learning. Instead, I got ahold of Jessica via MSN, and got her to come pick me up for a carride.
I explained to Jessica that it was completely faux, and we got back on track and finished the night off perfectly.
So I wake up Sunday, and felt sick to my stomach, all of the cigarettes people were smoking over the weekend took it's toll on me. Jessica was going to cook me some food and went with Ivan to get some. On the car ride there, Ivan explains that I really did cheat on Jessica twice. Okay, first off, what the fuck? After thinking about it, I realized that there had to be a plan involved because the night before Stephan and I were talking about Jessica and I lasting forever, and everytime I talk to Ivan / Stephan, all they do is talk negitivly towards the relationship. I tried to talk to Stephan about it, but he decided to hide from his problems again, and block me from MSN. I guess he doesn't want someone to shatter his self-image, and tell him he is as big of a piece of shit as the same people he despises. Anyhoo, so I had to explain that to Jessica after band practice, (which could be the best part of the weekend.) We have things in the clear now, and I've came to this.

Jessica was here long before any of my "friends." I have good friends hiding in the shadows, like Rob(Spidle), Gabe, Skitch, Rob (Newbell), and some other anonymous people. But Jessica is there everyday, and cares for me like no one else can. Anyone that tries to fuck that up isn't worth being friends with. Stephan can say the things he said were just slips of the tongue and unintentional, but I know that is bullshit. If it was, he wouldn't of tried to cover it up when it was brought up. Sorry to anyone that reads this post. But I am highly pissed off at the moment.

By the way, Saturnine needs two new actors, anyone interested?

- Cody. ]]> ~Feardrops http://Feardrops.deviantart.com/journal/4594946/ http://Feardrops.deviantart.com/journal/4594946/ Wed, 16 Feb 2005 02:50:05 PST I see the moon, I see the sun, I see my life at a glance
It's full of problems, full of wear, and is missing a lot of pieces
Maybe if I were a normal person, I would of been given a chance

But the fact is that I am not normal, I don't function the same
I'd rather watch the crimson sunet than a football game
I'd rather sit out on the lawn with rain trinkling down my spine
It helps me to relax my soul, and it helps me to unwind

If you got to know me, you'd see past the bags under my eyes
You'd see I love to walk at night, and gaze at stars that tantalize
If you would look past the dark hair, and the rugged cloths
You'd see something that has a radiant glow.

What if I looked similar to all of the fake masses
Would I then be understood, or would I just vanish
If you took the time to look at me, you would love my smile
So instead of judging on first glances, why not give me a while?

------------------------------

I walked to Duck's yesterday morning and I kept getting eyeballed. People kept gawking at me like I was some kind of showball. I would walk into one isle, where an elderly woman would stare blatently, I would grab my chips and move for the soda where a worker would look out of the corner of his eye like I was some sort of common known theif. I went to pay at the register, and the woman there smiled with her nose in the air. Not a genuine smile, but the kind of smile that was relieved you were about to go.
I hate being stared at, but I refuse to change myself. I love who I am, I just don't understand why my appearance reaks of "druggy, theif, loser, poor," among other things. It doesn't really bother me all that much, until I start to think about it. Then it makes me teary eyed. But I won't change myself for anybody, especially people that look the same as every other stereotypical person on earth.

- Cody. ]]> ~Feardrops http://Feardrops.deviantart.com/journal/4585801/ http://Feardrops.deviantart.com/journal/4585801/ Mon, 14 Feb 2005 23:22:16 PST
Well, I wrote a new poem, but I have chosen not to share it, because all of my journals spark negitivity, rage, and contempt. So instead, I will fake being happy all the time in order to keep my family happy.
I just wish I could get some things off my chest about my Grandpa, Mother, Friends, Even Myself. But I won't let that happen. Because, as stated, all it will do, is spark a fued, and I don't want that.

- Cody. ]]> ~Feardrops http://Feardrops.deviantart.com/journal/4517628/ http://Feardrops.deviantart.com/journal/4517628/ Mon, 07 Feb 2005 03:47:41 PST


I got that tonight. I am pretty stoked about it, actually. It's a nice camera. I now have 3 incredible camera's.
About the last post...for some reason, I was listening to an old album I found. It had 16 songs I had put on cd when I was ten years old. When looking back on those songs, it was the only thing that kept me from flying off the hinges. I don't put blame on anything that has happened to anyone. I realize that problems get created. I realize that some of those wounds aren't able to be healed. I am completely content, and happy, with my life and *ahem, most of the people in it. But, people can't expect me to be happy all the time. Seriously. If I make a post that is angry, then the best bet is that I am pissed off. It will fade away. All of my pissiness usually does.
I am pretty sure my mom is mad at me right now. I don't know if she is for sure, but I am betting she is. But, as I am expecting, she's only heard one side of the story. And, since she keeps signing off MSN the moment she gets on, I will explain my side of the situation.
I stayed up 48 hours straight. A guy named Greg was in town and he is a photographer. He was on MSN, teaching me some tips and tricks he had learned. Two nights I had lost track of time. Then one night, he didn't sign on. Good deal, so around 7 a.m, I finally went to bed. 8 rolls around, and I hear my grandpa yell from above my bed...
"Get out of bed, now, we got some fuckin' work to do."
Problem number one: If he would've came in nicely, I would've had no problem with a little more sleep deprovation. But instead, he ridicules me and picks at me for everything I'm worth. I reply.
"I've got two hours of sleep in two days, let me be." He doesn't let me be. Instead, he decides to try to get under my skin.
"Get your lazy ass out of bed, it's nearly 9. This is fucking gross. Your a pig Cody. Get out of fucking bed."
Problem number two: Why would I get out of bed to help someone that does nothing but ridicule me all the time? Everytime I step foot in his house, he has some smartass comment. Frankily, I am sick of it, and have made the resolution to just stay away from their house for good.
"Dakota would've helped me, and apparently, he is smarter than you, he stayed in school."
That's when I had enough. Fuck that. I was pushed to wits end. Last time I checked, neither him or grandma finished high school. Regardless of the reason, they still were out at 16, just like me. So, he had a kid? Does he want my sympothy? He doesn't get it. Smell that? I smell a hypocrite. So, screw it, after a while, I snapped. One human can only handle so much garbage thrown at him.

So...screw it. Grandma Weber should be the one praised. She did that daily for a long time, when she shouldn't of. I respect Grandpa helping, but not in the manner he did it. The manner he did it, made me realize I am staying clear of them for a really long time. I may go talk to grandma web today. Later everyone!

]]> ~Feardrops http://Feardrops.deviantart.com/journal/4517529/ http://Feardrops.deviantart.com/journal/4517529/ Mon, 07 Feb 2005 03:20:38 PST


I wrote this for closure. Nothing more, nothing less. ]]> ~Feardrops http://Feardrops.deviantart.com/journal/4493307/ http://Feardrops.deviantart.com/journal/4493307/ Fri, 04 Feb 2005 03:32:01 PST
What the fuck happened to me?

I used to be this clean-cut, cocky kid. I had everything in the world, and no worries. Every day consisted of early waking, driving to grandma Web’s, and eating freezey-pops until my tongue grew numb. I would be easily frightened of the forsaken Ouija board, and I would go to the Rocket ship Park and play. My days were always full of fun.

I look back now, and while it brings a smile, it also makes me sad. I miss hanging out with my dad and building those die-cast cars. I miss taking him lunch at Stone Container with my mom. I miss the summers where we would jump on the trampoline all day, spraying down with the hose and go in with the luxury of a kiss goodnight, and the knowing of the following day that would consist of the same actions as the day before.

Now, it feels as though sometimes, that I am purposeless. I don’t get that forehead kiss goodnight, and I don’t get to eat freezey-pops until my tongue grows numb. Now, I know that might seem minuscule and unworthy, but to me, that meant something. My world came to a crash when my parent’s were divorced. I never admitted it, and I still haven’t. But that really made me lose myself. Where was that forehead kiss that I had grown accustomed to and took for granted? What happened to the early wake-ups? All of a sudden, I was forced to grow up, and I didn’t want to.

Now, I’m not looking for empathy. I’m simply looking for a reason in myself to close that chapter, and be content with it. It’s like the story with no ending. I was in a 1,000 page story, and read the entire thing, and I get to the last page of my adolescence, and a bully comes and steals the page, crunkles it up, puts it in his mouth, and spits it back at me. I don’t want to leave that story unfinished. But I have to, those days are long gone.

I miss my grandma Web’s stories and lunch more than anything. Maybe I'll go have some today.

I wrote this for closure. Nothing more, nothing less. ]]> ~Feardrops http://Feardrops.deviantart.com/journal/4331188/ http://Feardrops.deviantart.com/journal/4331188/ Sat, 15 Jan 2005 23:49:37 PST
"Jessica Morgan, it's been a long road. We have successfully beat the monsters with sticks and ran away together on horse and buggy. Every day with you seems like magic. There have been arguments, fights, and whatever else was thrown in our path. But at the end of the day, when I see your smile as you head to your car, it's all worth it. There has not been one moment that I regret with you, and I want a million days like yesterday, last month, last year, and tonight. It isn't myself that made me a better person, it was you. I wish I could be more of a man than I am, because you deserve that reassurance. But, I can only promise my heart. I can promise that I will be here when you are sad and crying. I can make sure that you overcome your sadness, so when you walk to your car, I see your smile again. I can promise that I will do my best to make you the happiest, because lord knows, you've done that for me."

It's hard speaking from the heart sometimes. I get choked up. My mouth becomes parched, and I stutter. My palms become sweaty, and I shiver. I hope when that innevitable day comes, I can truely speak from my heart, and not just from my mind.

Then comes the reception. We got there, (Myer's Courtyard) and I was astonished. This room was just beautiful. There was an old elevator leading up to the hall we were in. The floors were ceramic and the walls were painted a delicate gold with red lining. In the same room, there sat a balcony for the groom, wife, and bridesmaids. So, Jessica left for that, while I was left in a room full of wealthy people that I didn't know. I was in the room in my spiffy outfit, looking fake as ever. Kind of like them though. I was uncomfortably fake though. But I wasn't going to go to a wedding in normal "Cody" attire. I went to Wal-Mart and *shudder, bought a dress shirt. Ugh, NEVER AGAIN will I wear it. It was so...not me. At any rate, they ate, and I sat against a wall until Jessica came back downstairs. After that, the bride and groom had their dance, and Tiffany, (Jessica's sister) started to cry. It was cute though. After all that jazz, Jessica hopped on the dance floor and shook her groove thing, whilst I sat in an unoccupied seat keeping eye. She has some freaky incest-like family. Her cousin was hitting on her! I wasn't too worried though. A slow song came on, so I stood up and danced. That was the best part of the night for me. Jessica, (her being 5'2, and me being 6'1) leaned her head on my shoulder while I bent down and danced with her. She's amazing. I'm glad I found the person I want to be with for the rest of my life early, instead of late, possibly never.

So I come home, and spill my guts to a total of, what, maybe one person who will reply? Who knows, maybe not even that!

Halo Documentary:


This took me three months to complete, but it is finally done. There are people from Florida, L.A, and Iowa / Illinois doing commentaries on this. Definetely, watch it!

[link]

Popsykle 3:

Not very proud of this at all, heh heh! But, it's a stupid little short. Just what it is supposed to be, so, I kind of dig it.

[link]

Popsykle 4:


Ivan can play a mexican very good, because, well...he kind of is one. Hahaha, this beings back Adam as well! You guys haven't saw anything with him since The Long Shot, filmed back in August of 2004. Nice to bring him back in the mix of things! I dig this to the higest regard.

[link]

Damn, feels like I am writing... ]]> ~Feardrops http://Feardrops.deviantart.com/journal/4299350/ http://Feardrops.deviantart.com/journal/4299350/ Wed, 12 Jan 2005 00:24:54 PST
How do you people expect me to be content
Living in a world that leaves its soul for rent
Cheating, stealing, killing, whatever it takes
Blow them all to fuck, if it gives us a break

Sell your soul for oil, give your life to guns
Peaceful trying’s over, so stare into the sun
Let those rays blind you, before the bullies do
Just blink and then it's over, because they're after you

Is this the image that reflects my fucking life?
Is this the image that will reflect after I die?
Is this the dead body that I've left on my back?
Is this the future utopia, fueled by blind sided attacks?

Here is my vengeful cry, I will deliver unto you
Is this the playground of destruction we are leaving for our youth?
Vivid red skies, where the smoke clears and bodies fly
Where the bombs overcast another harmless child's cry

People begin to scatter, forget their lives at home
Wives, children, and the elderly are the ones left alone
The doors are off the hinges as the boots shatter the ground
Leaving the innocent hopeless because the guilty aren't around

And in the mass of the clouded memory, a baby sucks her thumb
"Where is mommy?" "Where is daddy?" She has no place to run
She's hiding under the corpses, where the tears roll down her eyes
Where soldier runs, with his gun, because he sees something alive

I have advice for future bullies of the world, searching for bliss
Though you think this is helping, you are the terrorists.
Leak your mind of the problem, and stop searching for the solution
Because in the end, aren't we looking for retribution?

-Cody ]]> ~Feardrops http://Feardrops.deviantart.com/journal/4290664/ http://Feardrops.deviantart.com/journal/4290664/ Mon, 10 Jan 2005 22:43:31 PST [link]roductlist&sku=261683

I need to get a filter kit soon somehow. We had an amazing sunset tonight that I couldn't capture because my cameras don't do well in low light. It would be nice to have the sunlgiht filter.

Anyhow, I'm in a generally good mood. This is the hard time of the year for a lot of people though. My mom is striving just as hard as we are here. It sucks, but eventually, it should be better.

I need to find something to do, hahaha, sleep perhaps?

]]> ~Feardrops http://Feardrops.deviantart.com/journal/4275176/ http://Feardrops.deviantart.com/journal/4275176/ Sun, 09 Jan 2005 04:35:25 PST
Heyo. Tonight was a fun night. I woke up at like 11, to Jessica getting ready to leave for her bridal shower. Well, not hers, but her sister-in-laws. Jessica's sister came back to town last night. It was so nice to see Jessica smile that way again, even if it wasn't for me. She is so happy with Tiffany back in town. It makes me smile every time I think about it. She is such a wonderful person, it is nice to see something turn out well for her.
As for me, I have been sitting back, playing Smackdown, drinking soda, and cranking music. Nice night for the life of Cody.
I don't think I plan on sleeping tonight. I am hungry, but happy. Eventually, pops will wake up. Expect some new photography very soon! Like, today soon.

]]> ~Feardrops http://Feardrops.deviantart.com/journal/4259171/ http://Feardrops.deviantart.com/journal/4259171/ Fri, 07 Jan 2005 02:50:54 PST
I know my mom tries her best for everyone, and she just wants to make everybody happy. I respect the fact that she is in college, and taking care of six kids. But that isn't me. What's best for her, isn't best for me always, even if she thinks it is.
I love my mom with all of my heart, and would give anything to be closer with her. But sometimes, it gets so difficult to get her to realize that some things are not cut out for some people. I realize I was tested in third and fourth grade at a genious level, but that isn't me. So if she wants to be dissapointed in me, let her. Screw it. I don't give a shit anymore.
I just want my mom to know that even if she is dissapointed in me, and hates me, I'm still her son, and i still love her.
I just wish she would of chose a different word, because that one hurt really bad.

]]> ~Feardrops http://Feardrops.deviantart.com/journal/4235853/ http://Feardrops.deviantart.com/journal/4235853/ Tue, 04 Jan 2005 08:13:26 PST
Okay, so I tried to make this simple on everyone. I forewarned everybody, I tried to make this as painless as possible. But when I finally do it, I get fucked over.
So I told my mom that I needed her to call my school so I don't get in trouble. I told her I was done over there and to drop me. But she won't call, because she says I have to go to another school. I understand why she would be upset, but for once in my goddamned life, let me make my own decisions before you jam yours down my fucking throat. I made a simple request, but I got shot down as usual.

Fuck it, I'll just not go to school, and it will be the same damn thing. ]]> ~Feardrops http://Feardrops.deviantart.com/journal/4226158/ http://Feardrops.deviantart.com/journal/4226158/ Mon, 03 Jan 2005 03:06:44 PST

I feel safe within this void
Of rusty nails and handkerchiefs
Where a disgruntled man of a disgruntled past
Tells us to come upon his doorstep

So we walk, like we would on glass
And we only speak in whispers
To a man of no hearing, it is like a dagger
Spewing thousands of tiny paper cuts

He tells us there is a meaning to life
He says it was there that he thinks he found it.
Underneath that broken porch step
Where the crevice begins to slope

Begin to twist my neck, because my body wouldn't turn
My brain told us to leave, but my heart said I should stay
So I bent over and broke the piece of wood
Where I saw a dusty shoe box

The man proclaimed that inside that box
The meaning of life would be found
Though I was afraid of opening
I couldn't bear to set it down

Opening slowly, I saw Polaroids of his past
He smiles, sighs, then sheds a tear.
I set the box down, confused and battered
Confused, I chose to walk away.

Portraits of my yesterdays began to cloud my mind
First kiss, summer nights, the boats on the river
Suddenly, I could put two and two together.
And I realized the point

You can't search for a meaning in life
Because the meaning will wither away
But by living, and not just saying you lived
Is a meaning in it's own entirety.


I wrote that tonight. Hopefully you guys like it.

]]> ~Feardrops http://Feardrops.deviantart.com/journal/4187741/ http://Feardrops.deviantart.com/journal/4187741/ Wed, 29 Dec 2004 18:39:11 PST [link]

-saturnine. ]]> ~Feardrops http://Feardrops.deviantart.com/journal/4122592/ http://Feardrops.deviantart.com/journal/4122592/ Tue, 21 Dec 2004 20:38:45 PST
Another "F" again I fret, another cocky hypocrite,
and another dirty look from a passer by.
Kiddie porn and lunatics and all the things that make me sick,
another suicide from a sad rock star.

So get the fuck out of my face, and disappear without a trace.
You annoying little prick. I'll reach into my bag of tricks,
and pull out a hand grenade. Your machoism fade away.
But I will not pull out the pin, cause that is mean.

With judgment day not far way, you're surfing all your days away.
I don't know who to blame, is it me or is it you?
Violent death and viruses, and lack thereof, of consciousness,
another shitty song on the radio. Let's Go!

I'll kick the teeth out of your face. I killed the cat there's no more chase.
You push on me I'll push you back. So come on girls, let's go attack.
Cause this is it I've had my fill. Don't find yourself inside a pill.
But I will not pull out my gun, cause I don't own one.

Why can't you just let me be.

==============================

Here is how I think:

Benefits From Dropping Out:

1. No More School.
2. No More Hicks
3. No More Jocks.
4. Ged.
5. I can persue my dream.

Malfunctions:

None at the moment.


Hmm... I don't know if I am going to go back.

-saturnine. ]]> ~Feardrops http://Feardrops.deviantart.com/journal/4046506/ http://Feardrops.deviantart.com/journal/4046506/ Sat, 11 Dec 2004 23:57:32 PST



The Lost VidBlog - September 13th
Codys Birthday.

Over the course of four months, I have made nearly twenty vidblogs. During that time, I broke a tape that I thought was my birthday footage. Now, three months later, I look through some old footage, and there it is. So, what's better than to start a new generation, than that with a taste of old? I present to you, the lost blog.

[link]



Generation II VidBlog 02 - Worse Hell.
Documented December 2004.

I came close to scrapping this one. It wasn't much of a VidBlog to me. At first, I thought I had too much footage, but then I didn't have enough. But, I decided, screw it, and kept going with it, kind of surprised with the outcome. I hope you are too.

[link]

]]> ~Feardrops http://Feardrops.deviantart.com/journal/4039235/ http://Feardrops.deviantart.com/journal/4039235/ Fri, 10 Dec 2004 23:48:23 PST
I've focused on my past, All the problems in my life
The needle bears it's familiar sting, like a widow to his wife
And the raven I could talk to, has recently flown away
That fucking bird left me here with so much still to say

But it's all the same, my friends all leave me in the end
I'm left with a cloud of shit that always lends its hands
Get pushed around in school so much, I lost the will to go
The fantasy of being loved, like the wind begins to blow

Take it all and burn this past with matches
My skin crackles and it bleeds but I pick at the stiches
It's the only feeling that is real, when in a world of doubt
Just as I was brought in, I wanted to get back out

I thought to myself that I would be okay, in my empire of shame
But the fault is always mine and no one else is to blame
The world is full of madness, and no one is there with me
If you could live, just for one day

To see all that I see.

My body sits in this chair so much, soon I'll have bed sores
But there is no one to leave and talk to, no body really cares anymore
A thousand broken dreams inside, a hundred dried tears
The reality of being loathed will stay inside for years

And I will cry like an empty ally, so scared to be alone
My family doesn't realize because the trauma isn't shown
I hide behind a smile, and everything else is hidden
I'm a loser, mom and dad, sometimes I wish I'd been ridden

This game of life they say goes on, but I've already lost
To the expense of all the pushing.
What is the ultimate cost?

]]> ~Feardrops http://Feardrops.deviantart.com/journal/4025030/ http://Feardrops.deviantart.com/journal/4025030/ Thu, 09 Dec 2004 07:27:09 PST [link]

I cannot believe this, as I report from school.

Rip - Dimebag. ]]> ~Feardrops http://Feardrops.deviantart.com/journal/3959483/ http://Feardrops.deviantart.com/journal/3959483/ Tue, 30 Nov 2004 19:54:36 PST
:brokenmirrors88:

[link]

Rawk Rawk Rawk Rawk. ]]> ~Feardrops http://Feardrops.deviantart.com/journal/3929905/ http://Feardrops.deviantart.com/journal/3929905/ Sat, 27 Nov 2004 07:32:56 PST

This needs no explanation. ]]> ~Feardrops http://Feardrops.deviantart.com/journal/3904880/ http://Feardrops.deviantart.com/journal/3904880/ Tue, 23 Nov 2004 21:30:42 PST
Adolescents lost it's fun when dizzy's winning dizzy's won
In a rat trap contents in wrap hiding under the poppies
Take a drink of youth you think will lead you to the truth
But when you win, have to begin to find the one in

Needles, Pins, And Diamond Rings
The mockingbird without it's wings
The tortured kings, jesters can't sing
Without the rhyme behind them

Do you hear the echo?
Do you hear the echo?

Begin to run from a shadow that creeps, seeks and bleeds
There's no syndrome, Hell we'll send em, pack your bags and leave
Begin the course of no remorse, and you will see the oil
Fly across the seas to tell that their plan has been foiled

But your plan has now been shot just as well as your back
There's no need to justify someone who doesn't crack

Where's the echo?

I'm not sure, What's this cure that you speak of
Living in denial, Which and what I feel is vile, Just to walk another mile in his shoes
Freeing from my soul, There's no bridge to pay a toll, I will walk ahead on top of you
With my guns in hand, Without a marching band, to back me on my way
Because I don't need to know, the dirty sheets you sew, will show up on you one day

Where the hell's the echo?

Needles, Pins, And Diamond Rings
The mockingbird without it's wings
The tortured kings, jesters can't sing
Without the rhyme behind them

Needle's Pins, And Diamond Rings
Just pick a different song to sing
Cut you legs, and pour the kegs
Of peroxide in your soul

Needles, Pins, And Diamond Rings
The mockingbird without it's wings
The tortured kings, jesters can't sing
Without the rhyme behind them

Echo

I wrote it for my step-father, Brian and his new song just shouts a punky feel. ]]> ~Feardrops http://Feardrops.deviantart.com/journal/3879206/ http://Feardrops.deviantart.com/journal/3879206/ Sat, 20 Nov 2004 14:30:37 PST
]]> ~Feardrops http://Feardrops.deviantart.com/journal/3826140/ http://Feardrops.deviantart.com/journal/3826140/ Sun, 14 Nov 2004 23:47:06 PST

VidBlog 14 - Cold Transition.

This is the first Blog to showcase my grandparents since they moved back. I think it is a fun vidblog, and just that. It was freezing this day and winter is about to come to Keokuk. Iowa sucks so hardcore that the sun leaves.

Click Below:

[link]



VidBlog 15 - Strangerine.

This is the last of the Saturnine Blogs, Generation One. I will be starting Season Two with a surprise. Anyhoo, beginning to think these are getting weird. But I dig the evolution.

Click Below:

[link]



Saturnine Films™
The Woman Wore Black.

The man who falls asleep with one open is the man who lives for death. The one with no regret, The fire's always wet. So go back to sleep.

Click Below:

[link]

Get use to those videos because my camera broke tonight. I have to get a new camera now.

]]> ~Feardrops http://Feardrops.deviantart.com/journal/3821049/ http://Feardrops.deviantart.com/journal/3821049/ Fri, 12 Nov 2004 20:42:58 PST Also, I found out today that I probably will not be getting my camcorder that I want because we are strapped for cash here and no one in my family near will help me. I get the common, "get a minimum wage job and flip burgers for 23 weeks." It is depressing. I wish I could find someone to help me. I know my dad and mom can't. My mom is in school which is zero income and my dad here is raising two kids by himself on a wage of barely anything. My grandparents in Keokuk are barely holding their own and helping us left and right. It would be blasphomous to ask them for ca$h.

If anyone out there can help me out even a little bit please comment.

p.s. new movie and two vidblogs soon.

]]> ~Feardrops http://Feardrops.deviantart.com/journal/3812530/ http://Feardrops.deviantart.com/journal/3812530/ Thu, 11 Nov 2004 18:40:12 PST
Okay, I am back to the same place I get every school year. My grades aren't doing well, and my teachers are sending me out of class because I am taking the notes but am not writing down the "most important stuff." This year, I have talked to my school and the counselour, and they all informed me that sometimes, and for some people, the only resort is a g.e.d. After thinking about it for a while, I have came to the conclusion that, if my semester grades come out the way they are, I am just going to take the g.E.d. test and not graduate. I mean, the fact that I am just wasting my time arguing with teachers is pointless. After this yea, every elective class is gone. Band, Art, and our Journalism class. So why am I here? I feel alone because everysingle damn time I try to talk to my dad about it, he tells me if i do, then I will have to find my own place to live, because he is not going to raise a failure. But if you would of asked him when I did nothing but play drums, he would of been so proud of me. That just doesn't seem right to me, ya know, if things came down to it, through the thinest times, even if I didn't agree with him, I was there. But the first time I make my own decision I have to leave.

So it comes to this.
Anyone want to room?
Because I am getting a G.E.D.

cody_saturnine@hotmail.com ]]> ~Feardrops http://Feardrops.deviantart.com/journal/3749972/ http://Feardrops.deviantart.com/journal/3749972/ Thu, 04 Nov 2004 06:19:10 PST
Mood: Anarchy!
Listening to: House Of The Rising Sun - The Animals

How could anyone vote for Bush? This guy is a total fuck. You would think four years of his ignorance would be enough, but it wasn't! Four more years of a war that shouldn't be. Not a war of dignity, freedom and democracy, but a much more money inclined war. Let's get more oil! Let's kill our young soldiers in the process. Let's re-elect Bush and start another draft? Sound good? Swell. I don't like Kerry all that much either, but at least if he was elected, the war would stop and stem cells could be brought in. YOU CAN'T MIX YOUR ETHICAL BELIEFS WITH THE BELIEFS OF THE PEOPLE. It doesn't matter if you are a die hard christian, jew, hell ... even a damned budhist, it is a constitutional ammendment for your 'freedom of religion.' Just because you have that belief does NOT signify that you can turn them into laws. Stem cells are high on the ethical scale, but it doesn't matter it things can be cured! Spinal cord injuries, Parkensins, you name it, and stem cells can have a use. When bush is lying in a bed, I doubt that he would care if there were stem cells to cure him. But when it's these die hard americans, it isn't right! We have lost more jobs than any president since 1932 and we keep plumiting. I know, 'jobs have went up in the past three months.' No shit. The reason these Jobs are being brought back is because Bush wanted reelected. So all you dumbshits that voted for him...I hate you all.

In my personal life, I have been hanging out with Jessica and spending quite a bit of time at my grandparents (mom's mom and dad) and have made yet another VidBlog. I decided to quit making movies until I get a new camcorder. I will still punch the vidBlogs from behind my teeth. Sorry for the lack of updating, it's hard at this time of the year. It's always the ugly kind of rain, and everything is dead. I'm sure the sun will peak out eventually though.

[link]

^^-+-^ VidBlog 14 - Cold, November Day. ^-+-^

cody_saturnine@hotmail.com ]]> ~Feardrops http://Feardrops.deviantart.com/journal/3674934/ http://Feardrops.deviantart.com/journal/3674934/ Mon, 25 Oct 2004 20:59:02 PDT
Mood: Upset.
Watching: Surreal Life.

[link]

I need that damned camera! I am so tired of filming on a piece of shit canon crapper. My camcorder fits in my pocket for crying out loud! I don't think anyone realizes how much it means to me to get this thing. I just wish I could afford it.

[link] That is what I have. Pice'O'shit.

[link]
Please let me have this!

cody_saturnine@hotmail.com ]]> ~Feardrops http://Feardrops.deviantart.com/journal/3666493/ http://Feardrops.deviantart.com/journal/3666493/ Sun, 24 Oct 2004 20:29:40 PDT
Mood: Smart.
Watching: VH1 OBSESSIONS.

No more pissed off mood.
Hopefully getting a new camcorder for christmas.
we'll have to see.

cody_saturnine@hotmail.com ]]> ~Feardrops http://Feardrops.deviantart.com/journal/3651573/ http://Feardrops.deviantart.com/journal/3651573/ Fri, 22 Oct 2004 20:20:26 PDT
Mood: Thinking.
Watching: League Of Their Own.

Today went a better than any day imaginable but i am still sad. My dad completely gave up his habits, but let us in on why he always acts so sad. He's alone. The reason he hasn't had anything serious in nearly se7en years was his own phobia of getting hurt again. I think that's what I get it from. Damned heredity. I completely broke down. The first time in a long time since I had actually cried. Yah, I admit it, and I am not afraid to. I cried like a schoolgirl. Life keeps going uphill for my dad rapidly. He went from having a solid family and a good job to losing them both fast. I understand his logic now. Finally though, he promised me he was going to be more optimistic and find someone he could fall in love with again. It all starts with one goal. Soon enough he will find love again.

-Fear

cody_saturnine@hotmail.com ]]> ~Feardrops http://Feardrops.deviantart.com/journal/3630959/ http://Feardrops.deviantart.com/journal/3630959/ Tue, 19 Oct 2004 22:21:17 PDT
Mood: Protective
Listening to: Lies - Billy Talent
Watching: Three's Company - Too Lazy To Change The Channel.

three possible logos for my film production. i'm leaving the decision up to you people.

[b]possibility #1: my favorite:[/b]

[IMG][link]

[b]possibility #2: iffy nafty:[/b]

[IMG][link]

[b]possibility #3: (kiss) [/b]

[IMG][link]

You pick.

]]> ~Feardrops http://Feardrops.deviantart.com/journal/3623105/ http://Feardrops.deviantart.com/journal/3623105/ Tue, 19 Oct 2004 09:16:35 PDT
Mood: Sick

The Saturnine vid-blog to end all Saturnine vid-blogs. This was all filmed in the course of the weekend of October 16th-18th. Unlike a lot of my vid-blogs, I edited litle pieces at a time and filmed more and stuff. We are staying at Linda's house and this place is always creepy. I like it though, it inspires me to make vidblogs like this one. I really hope you enjoi it as much as I do.

[link]

]]> ~Feardrops http://Feardrops.deviantart.com/journal/3598431/ http://Feardrops.deviantart.com/journal/3598431/ Fri, 15 Oct 2004 18:20:44 PDT
Mood: Hoping
Listening to: The Sound Of Silence.
Reading: The Ultimate Hitchhikers Guide To The Universe.
Watching: VidBlog.

You have saw my movies, my vidblogs and hopefully my art. But wouldn't you all love to see a Saturnine portfolio? As of now, The Cody Gets A Website fund is booming with $.00! But we need about fifty dollars to get a site up and going. If interested, reply. If not, let me be a ssssaaadddd panda. Come on Devis. Give a poor man some change.

]]> ~Feardrops http://Feardrops.deviantart.com/journal/3585381/ http://Feardrops.deviantart.com/journal/3585381/ Wed, 13 Oct 2004 22:57:07 PDT


[link]


In fact, check out a few of my blogs online!


[link]
[link]
[link]
[link]
[link]
[link]


Okay, now that you've watched those check out a few of my recent movies.

http://Feardrops.deviantart.com/journal/3552563/ Sat, 09 Oct 2004 19:54:12 PDT I finally hit 900 page views. Thanks everybody. ]]> ~Feardrops http://Feardrops.deviantart.com/journal/3546043/ http://Feardrops.deviantart.com/journal/3546043/ Fri, 08 Oct 2004 21:51:45 PDT ~Feardrops http://Feardrops.deviantart.com/journal/3506070/ http://Feardrops.deviantart.com/journal/3506070/ Sun, 03 Oct 2004 19:46:34 PDT [link] ]]> ~Feardrops http://Feardrops.deviantart.com/journal/3373209/ http://Feardrops.deviantart.com/journal/3373209/ Wed, 15 Sep 2004 20:29:49 PDT ~Feardrops http://Feardrops.deviantart.com/journal/3366306/ http://Feardrops.deviantart.com/journal/3366306/ Tue, 14 Sep 2004 22:16:06 PDT ~Feardrops