Call 1-800-NUZZLERAD if interested.

not sold in stores !
batteries not included.

Chris
three words... "rock the box"
I've shared a bunch of random laughs with you bubba. I think the best memory I have is the one day John and I broke up, and you wanted me to call, and we talked. I'm not sure what I would have done if you hadn't been there to talk to me about it. I was hurting so incredibly badly, but you put it on hold for me for a while. Thanks.


Danielle
Girl, what I haven't gone through with you. Our anime obsessions, being there when Randy, Ray, Dustin, and Jonathon were in our lives. You stayed with me through it all. Even through the whole Natasha thing... wow... I guess I'm just sorry I'm not in your life as much anymore. Chinese food, oh goodness... the wine coolers the dances we went to together. Man... oh man... the memories I have with you.


Daniel
I owe you an appology. We had a nice relationship, it ended pretty ugly. Tonight, when you said hi... I guess I was taken by suprise. I figured you hated me seeing how hard you tried to push me out of your life. Or maybe it just seemed that way.
I remember the day Chris and I came over to your house and how you played guitar, the way you would stare at me, or how there were no stars the night we sat out by the river. Or when Josh, and Cameron were there and we all wrestled downhill... goodness those were the days.
In anycase... I'm sorry. Really. ... really sorry.


John
I remember the first time I talked to you I automatically you assumed you were my boyfriend... ironic how now you are.
I'm not sure what I haven't gone through with you and were still standing, if not closer than ever. I think the greatest memory I have is the first time I saw you smile in real life. I definately will always hold that memory close to me.
I think the one thing that stands out in my mind, is the night you confessed your feelings, it was... just... more emotional than I can ever put in words. So much had changed in my life, but I don't think I would have it any other way. I love you.


Monica
I'm not sure on my feelings for you. I still hold onto my hurt from which you've in part caused. Yet, I still care about you. It's weird. I am sorry that things ended this way. But I can't change it. I tried but you don't want it to. I do miss our little chats on how fun it was to play in the McDonalds playplace. or how you wanted to go to college at Wayland like I did... I did consider you as a friend. I didn't at first. But I grew to, and I still do.

Sunny
Sis, I wish I had more memories to share. But the ones I do have are precious. I remember playing 20 questions, or having devotionals with you. I know that there will be many many more memories to come. I know life sux... and I can't change that, but I will be here with you. You know friends are people who give bail to get you out of jail, but the best friends are the ones sitting next to you in jail saying "damn! that was awesome!" I love you sis, don't forget it.



In a way I feel like I've grown a way from these people... not entirely... but somewhat... and it hurts. But I figure, maybe it's not them leaving... maybe its just a part of me...falling away...

____________________________________

I've recently had a lot on my mind. Mostly about how I handle my emotions. I've been to a therapist for the past few weeks, he's trying to get me to stop letting pain dwell within me and find a way of release.

Today we appologized for last weeks chapel service. The chapel team failed to be prepared to play so this week we were a bit more prepared. "Dwell", was the first song we sang.

((Josh was just incredible with picking out our music. I think Chris was a tad hurt since he stepped down from being leader we've been doing really well.))

Dwell just suited my thoughts lately. Gods been convicting me lately of knowing He's in control, but making myself control it. One of the things I faced was with relationships. For the longest time I've been having the idea that Im going to be single, adopt a little boy and raise him on my own, and pos'no'. Because that idea is back by the fear of ending up like my mother.

Married 3 times, all terrible relationships, hurt childeren... I just dont want to do that. But the Lord has showed me in so many ways that God is going to say no, I know that He is going to show me the real meaning of Christmas, to teach me to accept love, to show me what its like to have a real family...


____________________________________
Not my will... but His...

_//News\\_
_//Family\\_
_//Appologies\\_
_//About FuyuKouu\\_

I grew up in a church. My parents, they were the type who liked to keep appearences up. This was the sort of church we belonged in. "No one was sinners" --I quote that because thats the feel you get. No one is open to their wrong doings and if you admit to it in front of the congregation the church doors were pretty much shut to you.

Thus, my family needed to look for a new church... with reason to.

I was daddy's little girl, his angel, his baby girl. Whatever, my dad and I used to do everything together. He used to take me for long walks in the evenings and we'd hold hands and talk, ususally about how school interest me, and how I wanted to be a professional dancer...

I was blind to a lot of things as a child, I saw, but I didnt believe.

Ironic how usually seeing is believeing... but not in this case. My dad and my mother had fought numberous times, the last ones I rememeber over money. Mom wanted a new house, dad wanted to stay. Dad wanted to go to his parents, mom wanted to stay home. Opposites I tell you... and somewhere between those two... you'll find me.

Hard to ever believe I'm their child.

Well, eventually my dad left. Til this day there is still pain on the subject. The one father I thought Id ever had left me, abandoned... and as for the first man to love me? Well... my father stopped, or just doesnt show it... but my real Father never will stop... took me time to realize that.

I fell into depression after some time and til this day Im still going to a theripist and on meds for depression.

I haven't had the roughest life... but it hasnt been easy. There have been times where Ive felt completely utterly alone. And we all have... but I'm here to say you are not alone... NEVER!

Til this day my life isnt as smooth at butter... its often hard and tiring, but the Lord has never given me something I can't handle. and He has always provided for me.

I can say after 3 attempts at death, Im still here.

...because my Father does love me... therefore I can love...again.

_//News\\_
_//Family\\_
_//Appologies\\_
_//About FuyuKouu\\_

_//Boiling Point

--I bottle things up ...a lot. It's my way of getting over stuff is to push it back and ignore it. Usually when I say stuff I'm talking about emotions such as pain, anger, sadness, tears, etc.
Thus making this a boiling factor

--I've also had a lot of things to set me off, which is more excuses than others have given me (coughcoughnonamescough).

_//Breaking Point

--It took a while, and I'm not sure what it was, but I finally broke myself. It might have been my mom throwing John's ring at me. Could have been my dad yelling at me.. but all in all I had felt lower than dirt, like a mistake...

Revelation--I'm not.

_//Mending

--After, so so very much prayer, after the fire, and after the bloodshed... I'm healing.
--I was so very happy to see my sister so happy today. My mom and I have gone to counsoling, I've been doing really great in school, my best friends are coming down in less than 20 days... I can't name a reason not to be happy... well... maybe one...

In this I had lost someone... So heres to them.
Monica
I know I did wrong. It may not have effected you. But I can look at you and say I am not perfect. I view myself as anything but near perfection.

I took matters into my own hands and handle it completely wrong. I don't deserve your forgiveness. And as all writers know, words can never be erased. I said things I never meant. I acted out before I could think. We're both equally faulty for that.

I can't clear this up. It won't go away, but just know that I am sorry things had to be this way. I can't ask for your friendship, I'm not too sure I ever had that, much less do I have your forgiveness.. but I still needed to say that.

I know that I was wrong. and Im sorry. All I want is for you to hear that. Merry Christmas.

Jessica... have you ever thought to hurt or kill anyone?

No, I'm not a physical person. If I do hurt someone its verbally. Thats my way of afflicition.

Now Jessica... have you ever tried hurting yourself?

(hesitates) ... yes... (looks away)

Will you tell me how?

I nearly cut once... other times ive tried smothering myself to stop breatheing, I once tried to drown myself... nearly did it too.

So you submurged yourself in water?

Yes...

Any reason with doing this?

I didn't want to breathe anymore... I just wanted to disappear.

And Jessica, what hurts you the most?

Feeling like I'm a disappointment. Feeling like I've been the cause of someone elses pain.

This... this is something you hold onto?

I'll never forget it. *sheds a few tears* I can't forgive myself...

Breathe! Suffocation I want to Breathe! Suffocation I understand I would die, to breathe again ((breathe))

Life
It's been getting better. On Monday I go to see a christian theripist. Theres a possiblity that I may suffer from depression. So we're looking into that.

Other than that I've been really happy. Sunny called me this morning to let me know her dad's going to let her drive down here with Chris and John! So Christmas this year should actually really be awesome.

In other news since then Ive put up a 7 foot tree, strung lights in my room and have rearranged my furniture. I'm excited.


DA News
I'm going to beg and beg and beg for new photos from you guys. Im redecorateing my room and am making a HUGE collage of my friends so....

Please send photos? *begs*

Jessica
Your first name of Jessica has given you a responsible, expressive, inspirational, and friendly personality. Expression comes naturally to you and you are rarely at a loss for words; in fact, you have to put forth effort at times to curb an over-active tongue. Self-confidence has made it easy for you to meet people and you are well-liked for your spontaneous, happy ways. You sincerely like people and do not often experience loneliness; your work and home-life are likely filled with association You enjoy music and could have a fine singing voice; however, the study could be somewhat difficult because you do not find it easy to apply yourself to concentrated study for long periods. In this respect, this name is not altogether constructive; it creates a somewhat scattering influence which makes it difficult for you to finish what you start. This name brings disappointments and emotional involvements through being too sympathetic and easily influenced.


Kristen
As Kristen you seek change, travel, new opportunities, and new challenges. Your active, restless nature demands action and you dislike system and monotony. As you are versatile and capable, you could do any job well, although you would not like to do menial tasks. Having considerable vision, you could be adept at formulating new, more effective ways of doing things. You could organize the work of others, though in your impatience to see the job done efficiently, you would likely step right in and do it yourself. You could work well in sales and promotion, and would not be afraid to risk a gamble as the name gives you much self-confidence. You do not find contentment in the routine tasks and responsibilities that are associated with home and family or with administrative detail in the business world, so you have to guard against frustration and even moods of depression over your personal responsibilities. The restlessness this name creates could find an outlet in caustic, irritable expression.

FAQ
About 4 of your last deviations have been deleted.
WHY!?
-Well, I'm recieveing a camera for christmas and would like to try and get a nicer looking gallery.

I've noticed you are watching me again...
Why did you abandon me?
-I didn't. I recently edited my watch list and added those of you who respond to me as well as my likeing of your galleries. I deleted a few watchers who weren't submitting anything.

So you notice my polls latey.
What are your plans?
-Photography. Plain and simple. I really hope to do more expressive art. More emotional pieces.
I also have a drawing I'm going to post maybe within the next week or so.



My Life
School starts tomorrow so I probably won't be so active on deviantART but I really hope that isnt true.

I started doing devotionals with my sister *killedangel which Im really excited about growing up through Christ with her. It'll be good for us both.

Still having slightly crazy dreams but not that I would call them night terrors.

Rearranged my room today and when I'm done I'll take photos. It looks seriously awesome.

P.S.- I love you John David Palmer

You'll never know dear
How much I love you...
Please don't take
My sunshine, away....