deviantART: by:FyrethilPhoenix

Here Goes Life...

=FyrethilPhoenix — Wed, 09 Dec 2009 23:50:03 PST

So some interesting developments have come into play over the last couple weeks. Me and the wife think that we've found an explanation for her constant hunger and cravings as well as her bitchiness. I find it both a blessing and something that came too soon, but we think she might be pregnant. I'm kind of hoping she's not because I'm nowhere NEAR ready to be a father, but if she is I'm sticking with it. A child is a blessing, and I can't give that up just because I think I'm not ready for it. But since I'm not and we are pregnant, I'm gonna make damn sure I AM ready by the time this comes along.

God... work doesn't make the blow any easier either...

sigh

=FyrethilPhoenix — Sun, 29 Nov 2009 09:59:01 PST

Photography

So I ended up seriously drunk last night. All my problems seemed to um... go away. Though that's not what I was aiming for it was kind of an added plus to the end of the night when I threw up and passed out. Actually... my intention was not to get drunk... but then my wife told me to for a specific reason that will not endeavor to share. But anyway... Things will start getting better I'm sure.

Now I haven't put up any real deviations in quite a while and I've been meaning to get to it but it just hasn't been working out so... And I realized that I reached 3,000 pageviews 330 views after the fact. *shrug* I guess that's how much I pay attention hm?

Psy fan club...join nao! >(

Been a while

=FyrethilPhoenix — Fri, 27 Nov 2009 14:39:53 PST

Photography

So yeah... Today I was far too lazy to put CSS (not that I can considering I've also been far too lazy to put my subscription back up) because I've been far too lazy to even put a journal entry in here. The source of my laziness can be found upon the USS Peleliu, LHA-5. The Navy is KICKING MY MOTHER FUCKING ASS at the moment. It's also making my marriage that much harder to keep track of. Though my wife has faith in me and is stronger than me right now because I'm so mind-fucked because of work I'm about to snap and just murder people. She constantly reminds me that getting worked up and complaining is not going to solve anything. And she's right, but I can't help it but to bitch and moan because voicing it somehow makes me feel a little bit better inside. And sometimes it makes things easier, but the majority of the time... not so much.

I'm really upset because no matter what I do, the conditions at work are just going to get a lot worse before they get any better. If I can't get through this with my sanity still intact... Well... at least I tried.

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Life's Curveballs

=FyrethilPhoenix — Thu, 16 Jul 2009 18:34:52 PDT

Photography

Yeah, so it's been forever and a day since I posted a journal entry here...and I'm sure that's due to the fact that I'm currently living with an extraordinarily beautiful woman named Brittany Durnil (she's now Brittany Durnil-Whittaker) . And my job has gotten exceedingly shitty. My focus in writing n things have turned to novels and sketches (rather than contantly posting rediculously stupid short stories here). I have to say my creativity has shot through the roof, though I don't think I'm going to post anything here until it's revised down to being nothing but the little bits of programming that ensure an "H" goes on the screen whenever you press the "H" button on your keyboard.

At any rate, I just looked at the calander and realized to my extreme surprise that I have almost exactly 1 year and 6 months until I am OUT OF THE NAVY! Oh GOD I can't wait for that day. Neither can Brittany. But it's not going to be easy considering the ship is going through things that I haven't been through before (as far as the process of DPMA and LoA and things like that are concerned) so it's putting a lot of stress on me and my division because THEY haven't been through it either. Working hours are extended until almost 5 in the afternoon from 6 in the morning, my car was totaled...life's just throwing curve balls but I like to catch em. I'm learning from all this which is a good thing...so keep throwing them curve balls, Life...*readies his catchers' mit* >

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Photography

=FyrethilPhoenix — Sat, 25 Apr 2009 14:52:50 PDT

Photography

So me and a few buddies have been dabbling in photography lately. And I have to say after three shoots we've actually got a good idea on where we want to go with this. Currently we're building up a fund for a brand new professional camera. It will make things a hell of a lot easier for us and it will come out better. Also we've been scouting locations and brainstorming ideas, since the majority of our shoots are meant to take place outside.

The four of us got together in a group and decided to make our own little photography group known as Nogard Photography. We've put up a DA account for it here:

We want our shoots to tell a story with each picture and each different shoot is a different story. Now, since we're new to the whole thing we've been kind laying off the story idea and we're just going for sequenced shots, and it's been working out decently.

Til next time! ~Brandon

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TOTALLY HAD TO!

=FyrethilPhoenix — Mon, 23 Mar 2009 18:53:04 PDT

MOAR IDIOCY! BWAHAHAHA!

Got it from 's journal and I was reading it, I had to fill it out xD.

YouÂre a 90Âs kid if:

You remember watching
[x] Kenan and Kel (Could never stop laughing.)
[x] Doug (My favorite episode was the one where he knocked that dude out in one punch...)
[x] Ren & Stimpy (HA! My mom banned me from TV for a week when she finally caught me watching it.)
[x] Pinky and the Brain ("TRY TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD!")
[x] AAAAAAAH Real Monsters! (Shitty-ass cartoon...)
[x] Rocko's modern Life
[x] Animaniacs
[x] Gargoyles
[x] Hey Arnold
[ ]Out of the Box
[ ] Bear in the Big Blue House

[x] YouÂve ever ended a sentence with the word "PSYCHE!"

[x] You just cant resist finishing this . . ."In west Philadelphia born and raised..."

You remember:
[ ] Step by Step
[x]Family Matters
[x] Dinosaurs
[x] Boy Meets World
[x] Full House
[x] You remember when it was actually worth getting up
early on a Saturday to watch cartoons.

[x] You remember reading Goosebumps (I read pretty much every one. I was a Goosebumps whore )

When everything was settled by:
[x] rock paper scissors
[x] bubble gum bubble gum in a dish
[ ] miss mary mack

[x] When kick ball was something you did everyday (HAHA! ...yeah...)

[x] You used to listen to the radio all day long
[x] just to record your FAVORITE song of ALL time on a tape. (Lost that...still a little disappointed)

[x] You remember Super Nintendos and Sega Genesis (I had the sega...and holy hell was it awesome.)
[x] You remember The Original Game Boy. (Oh yeah...had a red one, and it was the shiz)
[x] You always wanted to send in a tape to AmericaÂs Funniest Home Videos... but never taped anything funny.

You remember watching:
[x] The Magic School Bus
[x] Wishbone (Ha! Yeah)
[x] Reading Rainbow (lol big time)
[x] Ghostwriter

[x] You remember when Yo-Yos were cool ( They still freaking are )
[x] You remember those WhereÂs Waldo books. (I was the MASTER at Where's Waldo!)

[x] You remember eating Warheads and Splashers Gushers (What about the Big League Chew? Ah Little League, good time xD)

You remember watching:
[x] Batman the Animated Series
[x] Aladdin
[x] Ninja Turtles
[x] Ghost Busters

[x] You remember Ring Pops!!!
[x] If you remember when everything was "da BOMB!"

[x] You remember boom boxes .vs. cd players. (Kids argued all the time in school over 'em.)

[x] Making those little paper fortune cookie things,
and then predicting your life with them. (I had a closet full of these at one point in time xD)

[x] You played and/or collected Pogs (Collected so many I lost count xD Still have some laying around somewheres...)

[x] You had at least one Tamagotchi, GigaPet, or Nano
and brought it everywhere you went.

You watched the original cartoons of
[x] Rugrats
[x] Wild ThornberryÂs
[x] Power Rangers (Former Addict...)

[ ] All your school supplies were "Lisa Frank" brand (I don't think I even know what the hell Lisa Frank is...)

You collected
[x] Beanie Babies.
[x] Pokemon cards
[ ] Carebears
[x] Silver dollars ( Still have a shitload )

[x] Everyone watched the WB

[x] When everybody knew all the pokemon by heart. (HAHAHAHA!)

[x] When digimon was still on.

[x] If you even know what an original walkman is...

[x] you know the Macarena by heart (Yeah...about that >.>;

[x] "Talk to the hand" ...

[x] You went to McDonaldÂs to play in the playplace and it was still sanitary.
[x] Before the MySpace frenzy
[x] Before the Internet & text messaging. (Yeah...those were the good old days.)

[x] Before Sidekicks & iPods

[x] Before PlayStation3 or X-BOX 360

[x] Back before X box period

[x] Before Spongebob.

[x] Whe...

So

=FyrethilPhoenix — Wed, 11 Mar 2009 19:53:42 PDT

MOAR IDIOCY! BWAHAHAHA!

So I kind of realize I've been neglecting DA a bit and I actually have reasoning for it. On the 4th of March my ship went into DPMA. Basically pre-dry dock. Our working hours are from 6am to 2:30pm, and I have to be up every morning at 4am just to get to work in time. My creativity has gone through a SERIOUS downhill tumble because I'm just far too exhausted by the time I get home to do anything. That and me and my roommates are being evicted in 28 days because of Luke (my roommate)'s ex wife. She tried to force her way into the house when he wasn't home, but Jin (my other roommate and Luke's girlfriend) forced her out, slamming her hands in the door in the process. So was does the crazy crack whore do? She calls the police and tries to lie to them saying Jin broke into the house, that she didn't know who the hell she was, and that she assaulted her with the door (which was I think the only part that was true.) Well, they had Jin call Luke and he confirmed that the crazy crack whore was lying so they told Jin that if she came around again to call them and they'd arrest her. Well the police also went over to management, and management was like. "Yeah...negative...last straw, here's your 30 day notice."

That was two days ago so we have 28 days left to get the hell out of here and into the new place we could possibly be getting here shortly. I hope everything works out in the end, we found a better place anyway, it's just that the rent is about fifty bucks more than it is here, but oh well. *Shrug* I'm sure we'll manage.

Till next time

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Holy cow!

=FyrethilPhoenix — Tue, 10 Feb 2009 08:59:18 PST

MOAR IDIOCY! BWAHAHAHA!

So the weather here has officially sucked lately. Rain, wind, thunder, lightning. It kind of sucks especially in going home when the roads are all sleek and slippery. I get a little nervous whenever I drive in the rain, it's kind of like a curse. I get nervous over the dumbest stuff when I'm driving...but the thing I'm most weary of is other drivers. God sometimes I think some people drive for the single purpose of scaring the guts out of people! Lulz, but on another happier note, I could POSSIBLY be moving back in with Luke and his girlfriend (former roommates). They're moving out of their current place and getting a new one somewhere, I don't know where since they're still looking, but Luke came out and invited me to move in with them. Given my financial situation recently, I'm afraid that I may have a little trouble helping out with the rent, that is of course, unless Luke's BAH covers this new place, too, cause we know that it covers the place he lives in now.

He's also currently utilizing my car since I have nowhere else to put it. Apparently, though, if you are active duty military in the state of California, you do not have to have a drivers license to drive a car. Which is awesome, but it's nice to have that card in your wallet.

By the way, the computers on a Naval ship SUCK! I've been tasked with making discs for the entire division containing study material for the advancement tests...well...unfortunately, about 9 out of ten times the data write to the CD fails because the computers just suck that much. Luckily, I made at least one working copy that I can use to put the data on my laptop and transfer it that way to CDs. It worked! YESH! I AM A GENIUS!

Sometimes it sucks being the only one in your division who knows how to really use a computer xD.

Til next time.

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Whew

=FyrethilPhoenix — Fri, 30 Jan 2009 17:36:56 PST

So, we're back in port, but now we're all the way at Pier 13...that means I've got a lot of walking ahead of me @_@.

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God Fricken Damn IT!

=FyrethilPhoenix — Wed, 28 Jan 2009 18:07:45 PST

Alright, the good mood has been murdered, its face has been ripped off and force-fed to the skull. I can't freaking STAND people on this big hunk of fucked up metal! They had us running drills for twelve hours...TWELVE FUCKING HOURS! That is fucking HORRIBLE! There is NO reason to keep us doing shit that long, especially when we all have more important shit to be doing! Like maintenance, fucking validations, repairs, aircraft elevator runs, mother fucking parts to order! We have way more important things to do than pretend to fight a fire or repair a pipe to stop a flood, we do this shit every day! We don't need to do it for twelve god damn hours! Now, in order to get shit done, today is going to be a 24 hour work day. Mother FUCKERS! Stupid fucking DCTT. That "Damage Control Training Team" needs to take their fucking drill plans and shove them up their flaccid fucking asses.

FTN BITCHES!

~Whit.

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Underway yet again!

=FyrethilPhoenix — Sun, 25 Jan 2009 04:41:33 PST

So here I am, sitting at the computer in the place I work (Engineering Hydraulics shop) on the USS Peleliu LHA-5, about fifty notical miles out from San Diego. It's our fith day underway and I'm currently on watch, though I don't do much during this watch except go down to Aft Steering once an hour to take readings on the starboard side steering gear because port side is about 50 different kinds of fucked up. It's about four thirty in the morning and we've been out to sea for about five days now, I'm wide awake because I went to bed at like 10 and I'll be on watch til 8am. But it's sunday which means holiday routine which means it's basically a day off underway.

But the whole reason we're out here is because we had to offload all the ammo that was in our cargo hold which took four days. That was four days of 21hr work days for me. And god it feels so good to be done with that stuff, I can actually get a decent amount of sleep again. But we still got another five days out because we have Harrier Operations to do. That's nothing compared to the ammo offload which consisted of us running the aircraft elevator about a hundred to two hundred times a day. Now it'll only be three or four times a day, which is an awesome relief. The operation went smoothly with little issues happening with the cargo weapons elevators and so most of our time spent was in down time if we weren't running the aircraft elevator (which only takes one person to man).

But there's some bad things that happened. First, my computer decided to die and delete its operating system...oh noes! But on the brighter side of that situation, my buddy McKeeman is selling me is Asus for about four hundred bucks, which is CHEAP for an Asus computer.

On an even brighter side. I'M NO LONGER SINGLE! Bwahahahahahahahahahahaha!

I've also taken to listening to a lot of Vienne Teng lately...given how my mood has been shitty the last few days it helps me relax. But my mood is much betterz nao, and I am feeling very very good about the rest of this underway. Course when we get back I have some things to take care of, such as finalizing the payment on my car, going to actually get my lisence and I still have to get the damned thing registered in my name. Yeah, I bought an Accura RsX. Wonderful car, great handling, the gas is a little touchy but I can deal with that. Rice burners are so wonderful because they get AMAZING gas mileage! Hooray forty bucks for a full tank xD.

On an even BRIGHTER side...I'm no longer an alcoholic bastard! HAHAHA! The last few times someone has asked me to go drinking with them they got a big fat NO! I vill not drink with joo! .

Also, my buddy Flickinger and I have taken to creating a new internet show called "The Flickwhit Show," featuring some very hopeless shinanigans such as smoking Spice (which is a legal drug might I add) and walking through San Diego high as a kite while playing guitar with our buddy Vic's crutches while he sits his gimp ass down on some stone steps. Sport with the russian whose favorite line is "Don't make me go Russian badass on you," talking about stupid things such as losing socks and talking about outdated politics while high on Spice...holy hell what we have is hilarious. Episode one is still in progress because we keep getting new ideas and we don't know what and what not to put in the first episode. It's gotta be mild because we don't know how it's going to turn out, but we're hoping for the best. At most it's a side project, but someday we hope to make it bigger.

I'm sure that things will start looking up more and more and life is getting so much better. I don't go on another deployment until 2010 and even then, I'm told I can put in an early out chit as far as six months in advance. That means I can get out of the Navy SIX MONTHS EARLY! Oh praise man who created that policy, if he's dead I'm gonna dig him up and give him a big hug, then bury him again out of feeling bad about digging him up int he first place xD.

Rawr! XD

Anywayz, til next time.

~Brandon.

Last minute note...

Thanks for referring me to Vienna Teng! Must buy more musix by herz...

Psy fan club...join nao! >(

So...

=FyrethilPhoenix — Wed, 31 Dec 2008 02:59:33 PST

I've officially realized something upon returning home from Christmas Leave this time around. And what I realized is this:

I'm never really happy. I've always got this sinking feeling in my gut like the day is going to go wrong, and no matter what I do, what I think about, how I act, I can't make that feeling disappear. It just...follows me. While I was home on leave I didn't have that feeling, I was home, I was with family, I was happy. The only thing that really lessens the feeling is social interaction, and a lot of the time, that's not even possible during the work day, considering the people I work with are complete douche bags and I avoid speaking to them as much as possible.

Online social interaction also tends to help. I do play World of Warcraft, as well as Counter-Strike: Source (I've been on Counter-strike twice as often), and that in particular makes me feel better, the only problem is, I can't always get on because it's online. I find that I'm much more comfortable when I'm socializing in an online...well...manner. But during the day, and especially on duty days, I feel like absolute shit because I always feel like I'm doing something wrong, like I've fucked up to make some feeling like this happen, and then it worsens. Several times I've felt like just...breaking down and have found myself unable to, no matter how hard I try, and I know it'll make me feel better, but I just can't get it out.

It's been two years...two years...and I've noticed that whenever I'm here in San Diego, CA during those last two years, I have NEVER been happy. Not ONCE have I felt as happy as I used to before I joined the military. Ever since I joined the military I've been nothing but...pissed off...depressed...annoyed...frustrated...very rarely to I even feel happy...and the feeling eases whenever I interact with someone, but the moment the interaction ends...the feeling comes back.

I'm sorry, you guys don't need to hear about this shit...

Anyway...

Til next time
~Brandon

:thumb30917671: :thumb30692340: ...

Christmas

=FyrethilPhoenix — Fri, 26 Dec 2008 09:00:07 PST

*hungover at them moment of writing this journal* So...Christmas has been amazing yet again, though this is the first Christmas in which I played beer pong before all the guests arrived. When I came back to Livermore on leave this time around, my buddy John from my command came up with me to spend Christmas with me and my family. Well, me and him were playing beer pong Christmas afternoon just before the guests starting coming in, and got extraordinarily buzzed/borderline drunk off of all the beer (though it was mostly me because I was getting my ass kicked.) And we took about an hour and a half break from any alcohol after that, then started drinking again, never really losing the buzz that we had earlier.

But other than that, today there is going to be a bonfire, hosted by myself, John, and one of my buddies, Boz, here in Livermore. There's gonna be beer, awesome music, and a big ass fire. Just hopefully no cops xD ah it's going to be awesome.

Cha, and I got clothes and a camera for Christmas in case you're wondering. Which doesn't bother me because I was in dire need of civilian clothing and this camera is badass, plus there's not much a military man needs in his life that's super awesome/expensive, unless it's a plasma TV in a slightly expensive apartment or house. xD Anywayz...

Til next time.
~Brandon

:thumb30917671: :thumb30692340: :thumb30917671: :thumb30692340:

Well Established

=FyrethilPhoenix — Sat, 15 Nov 2008 23:35:43 PST

Well, I'm definitely well established into my new view of home. Things feel different now that I'm back. Two of my best friends that basically made my whole world what is was before deployment got kicked out of the military. I'm spending most of my time at my buddy's house about ten miles from the base. I'm dodging my superiors in order to get the maximum time off that I can before we absolutely have to be back at work and it's not POM period. I'm also struggling with my finances just like I was before deployment.

I'm trying to get the motivation to just save and not spend, and so far it's been working better than usual. I'm spending as little as possible, even cutting back on food intake (which is usually massive amounts and I still can't gain any weight). It's difficult because I'm hungry pretty much all the time, but that can't be helped, it's the way I've always been. Unfortunately I can't just raid the fridge because there's very little in it, and I wouldn't exactly feel comfortable with it anyway.

Oh well, I'm slowly getting used to the new life I'm living now that I'm back and hopefully it'll get better. Oh well...I'm just biding my time until December when I can actually go home for Christmas on leave.

Til next time.
~Brandon

:thumb30917671: :thumb30692340:

Home At Last

=FyrethilPhoenix — Tue, 04 Nov 2008 15:47:54 PST

HELLO SAN DIEGO, CALIFORNIA! GOD I've missed being home, and now I am. After six long ass months of being out in foreign lands, I am finally back where I love to be. The good ol United States of America. God damn it's going to be awesome. I've got new friends, new things to do, new resolves, and a shit load of drinking to do. Lots more music to by, video games to buy and sell, people to call, people to see, things to take care of, and a city to get familiar with all over again...as well as tattoos to get. I'm long over-due for another one.

GOOD FUCKING GOD IT'S GOOD BE HOME!

:thumb30917671: :thumb30692340:

Almost Home

=FyrethilPhoenix — Tue, 28 Oct 2008 17:04:11 PDT

HOLY SHIT! FINALLY OUT OF THE GULF AND ALMOST HOME! I'm here in Hawaii once again and we should be heading out back toward San Diego within the next day or so, oh my god I can't wait to be home. To be in the states again will be so fucking amazing it's not even fucking funny. So close to home...so close. It's been a long six months, and I'm about ready to let loose and go home for two weeks. God I'm stoked to go on leave in December...unfortunately, though, with my chain of command being as fucked up as they are, they fuckered my POM Leave chit up all to hell so I can't take leave as soon as we get back like I wanted to do. Oh well, at least I get Christmas.

Unfortunately I'm short on time, so this update will have to wait until later.

Till next time.

~Brandon

:thumb30917671: :thumb30692340:

Don't wanna be here no more

=FyrethilPhoenix — Thu, 14 Aug 2008 08:25:10 PDT

I really don't want to be in the middle east anymore. I'm sick of the heat, I'm sick of the lack of things to do (with the exception of dubai, there was plenty to do there), the lack of a good attitude because of that same heat. Peoples' tempers have been getting worse and worse (and I am by no means excluded from that) as the deployment continues. Most of us just can't wait to be back home in the states. But, we have to keep our mind off of that because we have so long to go before we're back home. God I with it would go faster, but it won't. I'm back in engineering where I belong and I'm happy about it. No more Hazmat, no more of that fucking bullshit. God I'm glad that I don't have to put up with a maniacle chain of command anymore. Being an engineer is hard and everything, but I like the work a hell of a lot better than paper pushing. God I feel so much better now that I can get my hands dirty.

Well, enough of my venting.

Til next time.

Damn the Middle East

=FyrethilPhoenix — Sun, 06 Jul 2008 04:21:51 PDT

So...second time in Bahrain...nothing's much different other than the fact that while I was working out the other day I fucked up my ankle. Great...it hurts like a bitch, it's hard to walk anywhere, and everytime I take to hard of a step it shoots pain all over. Ack...oh well, when I'm drunk later on I won't notice a thing.

But oh GOD it's fucking hot here. I've talked to a few guys stationed on this base (one of them I bumped into yesterday I went to school with, who'da thunk?) and they all say that it's tough mainly because there's nothing to do here. Leaving base can only sate the need for something to do for so long before it gets old and you don't even want to leave your barracks room anymore. God...but it must be better than living and working on a ship...I hate it on a ship...it's full of bullshit and politics...hate it hate it hate it. OH well, I'll live for the next two or so years...then I can finally get out, and I'll be so fuckin happy...

Til next time.

Bahrain and HINDER!!!

=FyrethilPhoenix — Tue, 24 Jun 2008 07:37:56 PDT

So, the last four days or so that went by were THE SHIT! We made port in Iran...and my GOD is it hot there. It's also pretty bland and boring unless you're on the naval base, at the Desert Dome drinking your ass off (which I was, of course). But...the best part about the whole two days that we were actually IN port, was that Hinder played on the base on the second night. And...the next morning, I wake up and go to work, and see Hinder standing on the smoke deck! They were by themselves because it was about four in the morning and no one is out smoking at that time. So I sat there and talked with the band for a good hour or so before they decided to go inside. Then they played in the hangar bay later that night. I was RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE FUCKINGS STAGE! Holy SHIT! IT was fucking amazing. Especially when they sang Better Than Me. Their last two songs were Lips of an Angel and Get Stoned. Holy SHIT was I rocking out! I have no voice right now, I'm hoarse as a mother fucker and my throat hurts like all hell! Wow...how frigging awesome, I even have an autographed CD signed by each member of the band. FUCK YEAH!

Till next fucking time!

Singapore

=FyrethilPhoenix — Tue, 03 Jun 2008 22:42:27 PDT

OH MY GOD! FUCKING SINGAPORE! I've been having the TIME of my life. Going out and drinking at the bars with my buddies (I have an ass load of pictures). Enjoying their food! Which is AWESOME! Some of it's really spicy, like calamari skin...it kind of reminds me of bacon, it's really good. I had a fish dish, too, wonderfully amazing! The culture is awesome too.

The weather is nice too. Warm, it rained on us, but it felt nice. They're VERY strict about certain things. We were told that they were very offended by language...well...pah, we all swore up a storm and no one cared! Cute girls, too and they're very nice to talk to. The cab drivers are CRAZY, but so are we, so it's all good.

Whoo! They have a beer here...it's a lager....it's called Tiger Beer. AWESOME! It's slightly sweet, and it's 9% alcohol, so after about ten of em and a few triple shot jack and cokes I was GONE! Oh yeah...and a shot of Four Wisemen, five Jager Bombs....about three Irish Car Bombs....Double Shot Coke and Triple Sec...er....Sex on the Beach...two shots of that....FIFTEEN shots of Tequila...whew! That was all in a night...(the first night, well, the Sex on the Beach and the Irish Car Bombs took place the second night), but good times good times.

I must be an alcoholic...

That ain't good.

O_O

Update

=FyrethilPhoenix — Sun, 11 May 2008 12:32:17 PDT

Alright, so I thought I was going to have more time than I actually do to continue my writings while on deployment. Unfortunately, I don't have very much time at all. Between the drills and actual casualties (I'll go into detail on those in a bit), the constant, non-stop working hours, and the severe lack of sleep, I haven't been able to so much as think about anything other than work and my girlfriend (There's always time for her). I started out as night personnel, which means my working hours were from 1830 (6:30pm for all you non-military types) to 0730 (7:30am). Well...that fell through. I'm working days now 0730 to as late as 2300 (11pm), but the majority of the time it's more like 1930 (7:30pm) or 2000 (8pm). Still, they're long working hours, and it's starting to get to me. That and somehow I managed to finish the books I had here so I'm out of reading materiel (I'm counting on all you lovely writers up on the site for that one...you know who you are).

Now, as for the drills and actual casualties. There was a flood last Wednesday...and I'm part of the Pipe Patching team. The Pipe Patching team gets sent down to whatever space the flood is in when the flood is due to a ruptured pipe. We cut the lagging away, and use some type of pipe patching (Mainly something called an EWARP) to stop the flooding. Well, in the kit is a saw, a hack saw at that. I was entrusted to carry the bag (kit) down to the space, and when we got there I set it up on another horizontal pipe in my usual position. I didn't even notice the saw had fallen out until it sliced my leg open from hip to knee. I've never seen such red flooding water in my life...

That

Fucking

Sucked.

If that's not enough, we had to get our third Anthrax shots and this one STILL hurts. Not as much as my leg, which is currently loaded with about eighty stitches and feels like it's about to fall off. God...and when I saw the blood I panicked. They hauled me out on a stretcher and took me to medical where they stitched me up and sent me to my rack for the day. I woke up and it was BURNING. I don't know what they put in it but it burnt like hellfire.

Enough about that...so now we're sitting in beautiful Hawaii. I enjoyed an awesome night last night, full of Hawaii Night Life, hot women in bikinis, strippers, and whisky. I didn't want to drink last night, but somehow Doug managed to get me to down a fifth of kentucky whisky. I wasn't drunk after that, but I had a pretty heavy buzz. I didn't want to be drunk...and thankfully, I gave myself a limit and took it slow, but my alcohol tolerance still isn't all that high, and whisky is some strong stuff.

Unfortunately, today I'm sitting here on duty and then tomorrow is a work day and we leave tomorrow as well. I'll be sure to put some pictures up somewhere and link them up so you guys can see some of the cool places I'm going to end up in.

But another thing is, no matter how far along into deployment we get, I keep thinking about when I was on leave this last time, while in Pismo. When I sat on Avilla Beach with my best bud Kevin and his fiance....Kevin's on the ship with me...we made a promise to his fiance, Ashley, and a promise to each other. The promise we made to Ashley was that we'd bring each other back safely, neither one of us would get too hurt to discontinue our service, and that neither of us would die.

The promise that we made to each other, was that even if we did die...that we'd die slowly...spend as much time fighting as possible until we can't fight anymore. We made our promises and took our vows...he and I started singing. We sang two songs.

Song 1

Here in this town
Safe and guarded
We call it home
The feeling that we shared now
Leave this place
Clinging to hope
In this midnight prayer
If we hold our breath
Go beyond this
We'll be reborn
I will carry us home

Are you still alive?
Are you scared inside?
Providence is blind when you're terrified.
Are you still alive?
Are you scared inside?
When we've reached the end of the road
I will carry us home

Oh no.
If all I've said
Is only a hope
Meaningless and true now
If I expire
Holding the wound
It's safety for you
If we make it through
Then I can save you
In this heart I know
I will carry us home

Are you still alive?
Are you scared inside?
Providence is blind when you're terrified
Are you still alive?
Are you scared inside?
When we've reached the end of the road
I will carry us home

And though I'm so far away from you
Will I be making any difference
After leaving you all alone?
And though I'm so far away from home
Can I justify my actions
After leaving you here in this...

Leave and Deployment

=FyrethilPhoenix — Wed, 30 Apr 2008 17:55:58 PDT

So right now, I'm home on leave and I have been since last...Thursday. I don't go back until Friday, but two days after I get back we go on deployment for six months. Well, this leave really didn't last long enough, but hopefully I'll take a longer one when we get back. I just hope nothing really wrong happens while I'm gone. I already know I have buddies that will keep me out of trouble, but just hopefully nothing goes wrong.

This is bound to be a very short journal...and how do I know this? Because it's already over. xD

Til next time.

Another Soundtrack and an actual journal entry.

=FyrethilPhoenix — Sat, 19 Apr 2008 09:34:21 PDT

Haha, I'm addicted to this thing for some reason! I'm as addicted to this as I am addicted to getting tattoos! ^^

If your life were a movie, what would the soundtrack be?
So, here's how it works:
1. Open your library (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, iPod, etc)
2. Put it on shuffle
3. Press play
4. For every question, type the song that plays
5. When you go to a new question, press the next button
6. Don't lie and try to pretend you're cool...

Format is as such:
Artist (Album name, if available) - Song Name (Comments)

[OPENING CREDITS]: Linkin Park - Leave Out All The Rest (DAMN IT!)

[WAKING UP]: Mudvayne - A Key to Nothing (Now that makes no sense at all...this song makes it sound like this would be a horror movie.)

[FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL]: Powerman 5000 - Nobody's Real (I love this song).

[FALLING IN LOVE]: Cold - Whatever You Became (Now that don't fit at all.)

[FIGHT SONG]: Queens of the Stone Age - No One Knows (XD)

[BREAKING UP]: Evanescence - Whisper (o.O)

[PROM]: Cold - Suffocate (XD Oh my god...they played this at my junior prom and at my senior ball).

[LIFE]: Demon Hunter - My Throat is an Open Grave (....wow....that's some life there...)

[MENTAL BREAKDOWN]: Dethklok - Murmaider (XD OH MY GOD! DETHKLOK! I LOVE METALOCALYPSE!)

[DRIVING]: Seether and Amy Lee - Broken (That's a nice change there...)

[FLASHBACK]: Bury Your Dead - Angel with a Dirty Face (Good song)

[WEDDING]: Afroman - Because I Got High (YES!!!!!! HOLY HELL IT'S SO PERFECT!)

[BIRTH OF CHILD]: Soil - Unreal

[FINAL BATTLE]: Otep - Crooked Spoons

[DEATH SCENE]: Staind - Please

[FUNERAL SONG]: Within Temptation - What Have You Done Now

[END CREDITS]: Stone Sour - Inside The Cynic

Now for the journal entry.

So anyway, things seem to have gone downhill for me in the last month or so. I haven't had enough money to pay my cell phone bill, my last pay check was only $167 as opposed to the $700 it normally is, and I was completely broke because of other bills after the last pay check. Well, a couple days ago my wallet was stolen, so I had to cancel my credit card. But, my military ID, state ID, Social Security Card, and other things were in that wallet...I have an appointment on Monday for a new Military ID. So now I can't leave the ship or get back on the ship without an escort and same for getting back on base. I'm also broke because I had to cancel my card (Well now no one can use it). But...I am taking leave on the 24th so thank god I'll have that ID before I go. Deployment is also right around the corner. We'll be gone for 7 months in the middle east, so...*shrug* We leave for that at the beginning of May. I won't disclose the exact date because that would be a bad thing and I could get in trouble for it. Anyway, I'm sure things will get better. This is my first deployment so I'm somewhat excited to see new countries and have some fun. I plan to get at least one tattoo per port we hit, AND WE'LL BE GOING TO AUSTRALIA! YES! I can't WAIT for that. The first port we hit is supposed to be Singapore...or something like that, I don't know they haven't said anything yet, that's just a shipboard rumor.

Well, that's it for now.

Til next time.

Gotta do it again

=FyrethilPhoenix — Sat, 05 Apr 2008 11:24:00 PDT

Now that I have a wider selection of music.

If your life were a movie, what would the soundtrack be?
So, here's how it works:
1. Open your library (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, iPod, etc)
2. Put it on shuffle
3. Press play
4. For every question, type the song that plays
5. When you go to a new question, press the next button
6. Don't lie and try to pretend you're cool...

Format is as such:
Artist (Album name, if available) - Song Name (Comments)

[OPENING CREDITS]: Rodney Adkins - Cleaning this Gun (ha!)

[WAKING UP]: Linkin Park - Given Up (yeah...I really do give up every time I wake up haha!)

[FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL]: Linkin Park - In Pieces

[FALLING IN LOVE]: Tim McGraw - She's My Kind of Rain (Wow...coincidental there)

[FIGHT SONG]: Ill NiÃ±o - Rip Out Your Eyes

[BREAKING UP]: Metallica - The Frayed Ends of Insanity

[PROM]: Story of the Year - Take Me Back

[LIFE]: Weird Al Yankovich - The Saga Begins (Holy HELL that's funny!)

[MENTAL BREAKDOWN]: Spineshank - The Beginning of the End

[DRIVING]: Josh Turner - Just to be Your Man

[FLASHBACK]: Soul Embraced - Abandoned

[WEDDING]: Korn - Trash

[BIRTH OF CHILD]: Ill NiÃ±o - Unreal

[FINAL BATTLE]: Trivium - Drowned and Torn Asunder

[DEATH SCENE]: Cradle of Filth - English Fire

[FUNERAL SONG]: Linkin Park - Numb

[END CREDITS]: t.A.T.u - All About Us (Yeah, shut up, so what I listen to t.A.T.u)

Returning Memories

=FyrethilPhoenix — Thu, 03 Apr 2008 14:50:07 PDT

I guess the ghosts of one's past never let one be. I don't think I'll ever see a single point in my life when I can just forget about the four of them...Pete, Jason, Chris...Tina...they were everything I had in my high school days and shortly after. But as I lost each one, something inside me changed, until I became this...person...thing...i don't know what the FUCK I am anymore. A liar...no matter how impulsive...still a liar...a coward...a fucking insomniac...and a goddamned immature bastard. How the hell did I ever manage to make such good friends in my life with the way I've become? I don't know, but it disturbs me no small amount.

Every time I think back on each death...the suicide...the homicide...the manslaughter...witness to three of the four...traumatized the first time at the age of 13...what the fuck am I supposed to do to forget? The Navy isn't helping worth shit...nobody, no counselor...no corpsman...not even the Chaplain can seem to help int he navy...they all are just full of shit. No matter how much I try their advice, it never works.

*sigh* If that's not enough, deployment's coming up soon...maybe that will be the time I need to get my mind off of these things. Maybe all I need is the open sea...a new world...a place I've never been before...and loads and loads of work to keep myself busy...that's all I need.

Another thing is my attitude has simply...erupted when it comes to people bringing up sensitive subjects with me. Though it hasn't got me screaming, it's got me snapping at people who outrank me and I end up getting myself in trouble...well that's the way it used to be. But now my Leading Petty Officer found the exact subjects that hit the spot...and everytime it's brought up and I snap, he defends me instead of jumping down my throat for it.

I need this all to end...

What Comes Around

I hate you, I hate you - shut up...

You think that I'm the one to blame
Everything I lose is just a piece of what there is
To gain
You think it's cool and all is fine
Now is the day when you pay, this is my time
I feel for you nothing but pain
I am what you will be, you are dying in me
I love you, I hate you, I miss you...

You're always thinking you're so perfect
Those thoughts drove me away from home
But if you put me through your tests
Then I will fade

I have nothing to say
But I feel like my mouth is wide open
Everything that is real
Comes around
Comes around...

Shut up...

Your stupid face just makes me sick
I see you changing every day
To fit into the newest clique
I know you, but everything you do
Is just a part of you, you'll never see the truth
I hate the way you make me feel
I hate the way you think you're real
You one voice it destroys my one choice

You're always thinking you're so perfect
Those thoughts drove me away from home
But if you put me through your tests
Then I will fade

I have nothing to say
But I feel like my mouth is wide open
Everything that is real
Comes around
Comes around...

Tu vida es mia
Your fear is living here in me

Es que no entiendo come en la vida puedes acer
La paz entre nostros cuando no vas a decir
Y la gratitud que tu nunca vas a ver
Has now turned to hate

I have nothing to say
But I feel like my mouth is wide open
Everything that is real
Comes around
Comes around...

Shut up!

I am so alike you,
In so many ways.
I know I'm just a copy,
That carries on the stain.

But, We make the same mistakes.
Cause, We are one in the same.
But, We leave behind the stain.
That cannot separate.

All that lies in me,
All that dies in me.
How can I live without you?
All that lies in me,
All that dies in me.
How can I live without you?

I am your mirror image,
I'm all you left behind
You made me what I am,
Then who the hell am I?

But, We make the same mistakes.
Cause, We are one in the same.
But, We leave behind the stain.
That cannot separate.

All that lies in me,
All that dies in me.
How can I live without you?

Why, Yo no entiendo porque,
I know that our lives are the same,
Y mi vida,
Is just a guessing game
A dirty stain
That I cannot play.
But I follow your steps,
In the same way that you just walked away,
And pushed the way through.
I...will...not...live!

Do you think of me?
Do you dream of me?
I always dream about you.

Do you think of me?
Do you dream of me?
I always dream about you.

All that lies in me,<...

In Port Again

=FyrethilPhoenix — Tue, 01 Apr 2008 05:25:22 PDT

But only for 9 days. Yesterday was really our first official work day back in port and we leave again on the 9th I believe for another week. I still haven't gotten my taxes done, I'm going to end up going to the person on the ship who can take care of it for me. After this next unerday...the tax deadline is the 15th, which is the day before we come back. On the 16th, POM Period starts. First standown is the 16th APR through 24th APR...second is 25th APR through the 3rd MAY. I'm taking second standown, so I'll be back in Livermore, CA, for 8 days.

The day after I get back we go out on deployment, though, that means we won't be back in the states until probably February of next year...depending on how much the Marines want to fuck us over.

I haven't been getting much sleep lately...having nightmares again...this time they're just random...sometimes they're about a certain event that happened in my life, other times they're just...completely irrelevant.

I'm not looking forward to deployment...at all...

Still Underway

=FyrethilPhoenix — Fri, 21 Mar 2008 22:30:38 PDT

Yeah, we're still underway, and I have to say I'm getting kind of tired of looking off the flight deck at an endless sight of blue. It would be very nice to be in port again right now...be able to go to the store, pick up some more things that I ran out of...I think I'm going to quit smoking and move to chewing...it keeps my nicotine craving down and I can dip while I work instead of having to take smoke breaks. Even then, I don't do it as often as I smoke...and I've really cut back on that. A whole carton used to only last me about a week. The one I bought for the underway lasted me all that week and up until yesterday. I'd say I did pretty good. That's about a pack every two days that I smoked instead of a pack and a half a day. Now, dip goes by quicker, but that's because there's less in the tin than there are cigarettes in a pack..and it's measured by pinches rather than by cancer sticks (xD)

Anyway, thankfully I'm able to take leave, so I'll be able to go home sometime in April. Thank GOD I get some time off before we go on deployment. I'd love to be able to see my family before I go places like Japan, Australia, China...Thailand...Singapore...the Persian Gulf...That's right,...middle east here I come...time to get some action xD.

Yeah...Oh...Hawaii and Guam too...yeah, it'll be great. That and I love the division I'm currently in...I plan to cross-rate pretty soon OJT style (On the Job Training), that way I don't have to go to "A" School for that specific rate that I'm trying to cross over to.

I also decided to buy a subscription to DA here...$30. Not so bad. We just got paid too.

That's it for now.

Til next time.

Haze Grey and Underway

=FyrethilPhoenix — Thu, 13 Mar 2008 13:15:43 PDT

Yeah, we're underway yet again. This sucks...there's a lot more work to do this time around, rather than just doing simple shit and then relaxing most of the time like last time. Ah...the good ole days...I miss them.

Anyway, so I'm sitting here at a computer waiting for some other stuff to go down while I sit here some more at a computer...some more. There's really nothing to do right now except standby. But nonetheless we're also getting ready for an even bigger underway coming up in a couple months here. Thankfully, leave dates have been confirmed, so I know when I'll be able to go home on leave! Hooray! Time to go see the family. I already ordered my little sister a kiki kitty plushy from gaiaonline. She was very happy when she got it...almost giddy when I called her. Ah...I miss my little sister .

Anyway, that's it for now. Til next time.

Fuckin Monday

=FyrethilPhoenix — Mon, 10 Mar 2008 13:42:55 PDT

I hate mondays, always have...probably always will. Today was exceptionally sucky because, well, we had a store onload today. Ten pallettes of stores that we had to bring onboard the ship. Well, we got it all on and started our offload as usual, but as we were coming back from the offload fricken civilians decided they'd like to give us more work by bringing us MORE shit to onload. I was getting PISSED. I was about ready to strangle one of them because he was giving me shit because I told him that I had to get my first class to sign for the stuff.

Well, if the civilians don't like the way we military people do shit, then they can back the fuck up because I was not ready to hear the shit that came out of his mouth. I'm not even going to elaborate on it because it was so infuriating. I get bashed on enough during work for stupid shit by other divisions, people I don't even work with...so why the hell would I take it from some civilian contractor who looks like he hasn't taken a shower in years?

I'd love to see the look on his face when he finds out about all the shit we have to work through and with just to get through the day, most days aren't fun when it comes to working. Bah, why should I care, he's only a damn civilian trying to intimidat a navy sailor, he can go fuck himself.

On a much brighter note we go underway on Wed. and we won't be back until the 28th of this month, sounds fun doesn't it?

Okay...

=FyrethilPhoenix — Sat, 08 Mar 2008 23:51:32 PST

So I've been mixed in religion before, but it's always been varitions of Christianity such as Mormonism, Catholic, Lutheran whatever. But this last weekend was my first time actually viewing and ultamitely becoming a victim in a Pagan/Wiccan ceremony.

I was a spectator at first, but as it went...and as Samantha drank a little my roommate's blood I became transfixed. At that moment I began to feel all her pain...every NAUNCE every twitch every spasm...everything she'd ever endured shot through my body like a drug in my veins. I couldn't scream...I couldn't THINK, I could only watch. Eventually I stood and my other roommate put a hand on my shoulder and forced me to look away, but it didn't change anything. A few moment later she forced me to look back at the ceremony and her hand began to shake.

She said to Robert directly "Robert...make it stop..."

He grabbed me by the face (his palm at my chin and his thumb and other fingers clenching my face). Then she said it wasn't me, and he forced me front and center, then looked back at her and said that it was me.

I began to shake...and he took me by the same grip and turned me around so that I was pretty much against the bed in danger of falling on it. He told me to relax and I did...then he cracked my neck and brought me to the ground. All I could do was lay there and stare at the ceiling while Samantha held my hand.

I was possessed apparently...I can't remember anything after that. The next thing I remember was me outside on the balcony with a cigarette at my lips and smoke in my lungs...

I strongly believe...'

I have no choice.

Not after that...

It was at this moment in time that Lynna (the roommate who had me by the shoulder) came out and looked right in my eyes and turned to Robert and said "he's mine..."

Meaning...

I'm the same as her.

She's a White Witch...a healer, but she can cause a lot of pain if she has to.

I'm the same...I'm a White Warlock...I'm still trying to figure out what it really means...I'm still trying to get my head around what happened...

Upcoming Writings / Current Projects

=FyrethilPhoenix — Tue, 04 Mar 2008 17:05:37 PST

So I realized when looking through my gallery that I have a lot of stories that contain more than one installment that I hadn't continued, I simply wrote story and stopped. Well, I need to continue those stories...and it might be a bit difficult considering how often I have writers block these days, but hey, I believe that I can do it! So...here's a list!

Phoenixfire Chronicles
Unseen Enemy pt 2 (Haven't started yet)
Betrayal pt 1 (Workin on it)

Fyrethil's Memories and Evildoings
Fyrethil vs. Pyth pt 2 (Started but having difficulties...it's likely going to remain short)
Eternally Evil pt 2 (Started)
Fyre's Memories pt 2 (BEEN working on it...)

The Fyrexetha Brothers
The End of All Things to Come pt 1 (Haven't started)
The Last Hydra pt 1 (Haven't started yet)

I know a lot of people don't read these things so I'm also going to use this as a reference for what I need to get done.

Fire Fire Fire

=FyrethilPhoenix — Thu, 28 Feb 2008 10:54:50 PST

So, on Wednesday...at around 11:15 at night, I was just about to go up and get some food from my workcenter (we're currently in Mexico) when a fire broke out in one of the storerooms. Everybody who hadn't been drinking that night ran to the scene, I wasn't one of the first ones there, and somehow I ended up not getting into my fire-fighting equipment, but apparently it was a bad one. We sent down around six fire parties that night and then when we started overhaul, my ass was down in the space that had been on fire, pulling stuff out. The air was toxic...and I feel like shit because I inhaled way too much of it. Well, we were out in this position until about 4 in the morning when they finally decided to let us go to bed, shower, do whatever we had to do.

I've never been so sore in my life...and my chest and stomach never hurt so much. I spent three hours in medical getting decontaminated with at least two other people. Me and three of my good buddies were in that space will all those fumes. I might not even go ashore today...I dunno.

On another note, I am potentially in yet another relationship. Only this time, I didn't meet her online. Nope, I went to high school with this girl for my freshman year and about a quarter of my sophomore year before she moved up to Portland, Oregon. Well we started talking after Elena dumped me and...well...she's into me. All I can say is that the feeling is mutual. Getting over Elena was so easy after the first two days that I forgot the whole thing ever happened.

Anyway, Jessica is 21 years old, is much better off in her life than Elena ever was. She has a job, she's going to college...and she's said more than once she wants me to come up there and live with her. Pity I'm in the military...I couldn't do that unless my homeport was in Oregon...

Well, that's it for now...

Til next time.

Life Goes On

=FyrethilPhoenix — Sun, 10 Feb 2008 08:36:57 PST

I had a dream last night that Elena wanted to stay with me and I rejected her. Probably for good reason I'm sure, but still, it disturbs me that I'm letting this bother me so much. I renounced my thoughts of suicide and threw em out the window. I thought back on her personality and realized something. She's a child. She acts like a child. She's 20 years old and isn't doing anything for herself. Sure, she has a job, but she still lives with her parents, and working at taco bell isn't going to be enough for her to support herself. I'm much better than that. I've told many people about the break-up already while I was still upset and they all tell me that I deserve better than her. Aside from her childish behavior, she's rude, she overreacts, and she's against a lot of the things I do. That disturbs the hell out of me because even with Kelsey, she was flexible enough to tell me she didn't like it, but she would allow me to continue at least.

Aside from that, I'm glad that I moved to live out in Chula Vista. It's great out here, and...well...my roommates are family. They care about me. None of them visit this sight but I just wanna say thank you anyway. They've done a lot for me, allowed me to move in, shared their lives with me, I think it's right that I don't weigh them down with my own problems and help them as best I can.

To Junie: Yeah, I know you love me as a brother and all, but yeah, I think you SHOULD have slapped the shit outta me for my reaction the other day.

To Robert: Yeah...I had one too many screwdrivers last night...

To Mary: I DIDN'T DO IT!

To Lynna: My god I think that you are the one who broke me of my heartbreak-induced stupor. Thank GOD you were back this weekend.

Hearbroken...

=FyrethilPhoenix — Fri, 08 Feb 2008 22:53:35 PST

My heart...is utterly broken...

Elena...never loved me. She's been leading me on in a lie since the beginning...every little "I love you" that she told to me, everytime she said it, it was a lie. A complete lie. She NEVER loved me, not for one second. She stayed with me because she was afraid of a reaction. There was nothing...nothing...that she should have been afraid of in a reaction. I would never get pissed at her for that...never. But when she leads me on in a lie like that...I got so furious I was shaking. I couldn't control the tone of my voice...I spoke more like in a hiss...and as while I was on the phone and as soon as I got off the phone with her, I was in tears, crying...unable to control it.

I feel...betrayed...I feel like a searing blade was pushed into my heart and left there.

I feel...

I feel like suicide...

I want to die...

Lyrics that fit my mood at the current moment

=FyrethilPhoenix — Thu, 07 Feb 2008 19:21:25 PST

The Arms of Sorrow - Killswitch Engage
Imprisoned, inside this mind
hiding behind the empty smiles
so simple (delinquish)
isn't much made
crawling back into the dark

running, always running, into the distance
stop me before I bleed, again
the echos of my voice
follow me down
the shadows I cast
follow me down

deeper i'm falling
into the arms of sorrow
building decending
into the arms of sorrow

there must be serenity

the echos of my voice
follow me down
the shadows I cast
follow me down

deeper i'm falling
into the arms of sorrow
building decending
into the arms of sorrow

the demons of my own design
this horror not remain

deeper i'm falling
into the arms of sorrow
building decending
into the arms of sorrow

there must be serenity
there must be deleverance
deeper i'm falling
building decending

The End of Heartache - Killswitch Engage
This distance
This disillusion
I cling to memories
While falling
Sleep brings relief
And the hope of a new day
Waking the misery
Of being without you

Surrender
I give in
A moment yes another eternity
(Seek me) for comfort
(Call me) for solace
I'll be waiting
For the end of my broken heart
Completion
I'll be waiting
For the end of my broken heart

You know me
You know me all to well
My only desire
Is to bridge our division

In sorrow
I speak your name
and my voice mirrors, mirrors my torment

Am I breathing?
My strength fails me
Your picture
A bitter memory

Smothered - Spineshank
The black and cold reminds me
Of all the distance we have crossed
And if your darkness blinds me
I could never be more lost

But I'm not the one who seeks your protection
I'm not the one to share the disguise
And I'm not the one who reeks of rejection
I'm not the one to tear the same way twice

You push from the inside - smothered
You push from the inside out - smothered

Have all your walls surround me
They're closing in they block my sight
The violence around me
Found me when I could not fight

But I'm not the one to take your direction
I'm not the one who wears the disguise
And I'm not the one to share your reflection
I'm not the one you break the same way twice

I will never win
I will never win with you

I read you
I fear you round up no more than you know
I hate you
I still do everytime you let me go

Those times
When there was something inside
Something to fight for!
Something in you
(But) I don't care
Anymore....

Rejection - Eternity X
I've wasted too much time already
I can't take anymore of your manipulation
I can feel my patience breaking!
You wanted me to come down with you?
Well here I am!!

You said somewhere that I oughta know
And you weren't gonna let me forget the pain I left you in
I can see your promise breaking!
Isn't it ironic?
You oughta know!!

There isn't anything left in me
That your sick, repulsive ways haven't taken away
Stop your suicidal faking!
Oh, you're so persecuted

You oughta know!
You oughta know!
You oughta know!!

Hellfire's Touch - Everdark
whore of lust
sacred child mistress of sin
arouse your ambitions
for tonite your real life begins

enticed by nocturnal skies
the moon calls you out this eve
chosen your cold tombstone
lay out naked flesh upon the altar

sell your soul to me
for I own your desire
under hellfires touch
you'll burn in sadistic fires!

slut to the beast
temptress to my evil wish
forced osculum infamy
sworn alligence with a kiss

raped seal of your virginity
the pain of sodomy breaks your barrier
branded your flesh with the mark
facial created and blood drawn under the sign

under the sign - the mark of sin
fellfires touch - burns your soul
hellfires touch - makes you mine
midnight skies - and I will own your soul!!!

whore of lust...

Well that's interesting

=FyrethilPhoenix — Sun, 20 Jan 2008 08:23:25 PST

So I got this on myspace and was bored so I put it here.

If your life were a movie, what would the soundtrack be?
So, here's how it works:
1. Open your library (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, iPod, etc)
2. Put it on shuffle
3. Press play
4. For every question, type the song that plays
5. When you go to a new question, press the next button
6. Don't lie and try to pretend you're cool...

[OPENING CREDITS]: Tear Me Down - Spineshank

[WAKING UP]: The Height of Callousness - Spineshank

[FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL]: Hands Held High - Linkin Park

[FALLING IN Love]: My Throat is an Open Grave - Demon Hunter

[FIGHT SONG]: Sixteen - Demon Hunter

[BREAKING UP]: Leave Out All the Rest - Linkin Park

[PROM]: Love Her - Seether

[LIFE]: No Life - Slipknot (Wow...isn't that convenient?)

[MENTAL BREAKDOWN]: Shadow of the Day - Linkin Park

[DRIVING]: The Air that I Breathe - All That Remains

[FLASHBACK]: Fading Away - Demon Hunter

[WEDDING]: Nymphetamine Fix - Cradle of Filth

[BIRTH OF CHILD]: Nymphetamine Overdose - Cradle of Filth

[FINAL BATTLE]: Smothered - Spineshank

[DEATH SCENE]: What Have You Done - Within Temptation

[FUNERAL SONG]: Carry Me Down - Demon Hunter

[END CREDITS]: Asthmatic - Spineshank

What the FUCK!

=FyrethilPhoenix — Mon, 14 Jan 2008 20:47:04 PST

Alright, this is addressed directly to .

What the FUCK is wrong with you? Yes, I know that you have a strong feeling of hate toward me which is very wrongly and childishly misplaced. That seems to be the ONLY FUCKING REASON I can think of that you would point the finger immediately at me for 's permanent displacement from the internet. Don't blame me for something she herself did to lose her internet access. Somehow, I think the only reason you dragged my tired, hard working, military ass into this mess is because you needed someone to blame, and you chose me because you hate me. That and simply because I got into a simple argument with her a few days before this bullshit happened?

Fuck you.

I don't need a mother fucking thirteen year old telling me this shit. Your word is officially silenced from my ears. Take your misery and drown yourself in it. Because you know what, you may have lost a good friend, but suck it up bitch, because we all lose good friends, I've lost FOUR friends, and I was closer to them than you could EVER have been with Sevita. And you know what, I didn't lose them because they got their internet unplugged, I watched them DIE! Every one of them. I watched one bleed to death, I watched one blow his own brains out, I watched another one die of brain trauma, and I watched one bleed to death in a car wreck not but two days ago.

Go ahead and suffer whore, because you deserve it for every little piece of misery you've caused me and others.

Forgotten
You're the one who
You're the one who steals the life from
I'm the one who feels the falling
I believe you're nothing but a problem
Everything is so fake
You're just a motherfucking sight to see
And time will block the vision
Life with you is so vague
It's like I'm living in a dream

I have wondered why this always happens
Everything just falls away
Soon you'll be the one who is forgotten
It's so close but it's so far away

You're the one who
You're in disbelief of what you
Thought you could achieve or try to
Once I thought this life was never ending
Must've been my mistake
You're just a motherfucking accident
Offending yet amusing
I should have known that you
And your intensions weren't for me

You're the one who fed the violence
I'm the one who broke the silence
I will sew the hole you left inside me
Leaving you in the past
I will release

Christmas and New Years

=FyrethilPhoenix — Tue, 01 Jan 2008 14:22:52 PST

I'll love her...

So, I was able to go home for Christmas, which was awesome because I was able to see my fiance and family again. I had a good time and I managed to see two movies while I was home. I saw I Am Legend and National Treasure: Book of Secrets. They were both really good I Am Legend is one of the best movies I've seen in a long time.

I also got together with my buddy Mike and we just jammed at his house for a while. I got up on the drums and he played the guitar. I've gotten much better, I can hold a straight double bass riff now for much longer. My legs don't tire out as fast as they used to, which is a good sign. I've been practicing ^_^

My fiance, Elena, came over on Christmas day and it was the best Christmas I've had in a long time, I guess being away from home for so long made it that much better. But she got me some pretty cool things. She got me Final Fantasy III and Final Fantasy XII for the Nintendo DS and a white cartridge carrier for the DS too. I got her a Bleach game for the DS that she wouldn't stop playing lol. I love her XD.

Well, it's 2008 now and I've been back in San Diego since the day after Christmas, and I had duty on New Year's Eve, which sucked because I was bored out of my mind cause no one needed Hazmat that day. So I just sat down in my office playing video games n stuff. Pretty slow day @_@.

Well, that's it for now. Peace out peoplez.

...Until the day I die

It's been a while

=FyrethilPhoenix — Fri, 07 Dec 2007 18:09:54 PST

I'll love her...

Yes, it's been a while since I've been on Deviantart, and...ya know, I felt like I needed to type something so here it is. A little bit of an update hm?

So...I'm still engaged to Elena, and we're planning on getting married sometime next year. Definitely not until after I'm back from the six month deployment in June. Who knows it might actually happen before then, we don't have anything planned yet.

Other than that, things out in the Fleet (The big navy) are awesome. I'm getting my own place soon, hopefully I'll be moved in before next month. Probably not going to happen, but whatever.

On the 17th I'm planning on going on leave for ten days, so it'll be back up to Nor Cal for me after dat! It's gonna be awesome! Gonna see my fiance every day! I can't wait.

Bai now!

Thorns

Bitter thoughts became your every waking breath
Save the nights your hollow dreams revealed the sweet release of death
In your thoughts you played a symphony of self
But your soul had bled a darker song of close to nothing left

Oh, The deliverance of blade and flame, your love
And greater is the blood

Chorus:
YouÂll find it in the veil of night where solitude is born
In the emptiness of broken flesh, at the mercy of the thorns
YouÂll find it in the veil of night where solitude is born
In the emptiness of broken flesh, at the mercy of the thorns

Every line a path into an empty heart
Where the words of now forgotten love fall silent in the dark

Oh, The deliverance of blade and flame, your love
And greater is the blood

(Chorus)

Sister, donÂt you sleep through your own eulogy
DonÂt sever what you are for what you couldnÂt be

(Chorus)

...Until the day I die

Good News Y'all

=FyrethilPhoenix — Sat, 10 Nov 2007 11:35:08 PST

I've changed....

Now that I've been working my damn ASS off doing other peoples' work when they decide to the ship early, I haven't had much sleep lately. As a result, when I do sleep, I far too tired to even have a nightmare, and last night was the first night in a while that I got a full nights sleep WITH NO INTERRUPTIONS! The nightmares are easing and I've stopped having them every night. It's also the fact that my happiness gauge has gained uber points after I got to see my buddy Adam again for the first time in FOR FUCKING EVAR last weekend. That was kick-ass because we went on a three day pranking spree. The majority of it was just running around in downtown San Diego screaming out the windows and throwing things at people we recognized.

But this is some good news, cause now I can get some sleep =].

...for the worse.

I CAN'T GET HER OUT!!

=FyrethilPhoenix — Mon, 22 Oct 2007 20:43:45 PDT

I've changed....

just won't get out of my head. No matter how hard I try to get rid of any kind of thought of her, it just comes back, distracting me from my work. I nearly got hit by a forklift three times today because I couldn't clear my head. It pisses me off because no matter how harsh her words end up toward me, it still doesn't change the fact that I miss being friends with her. It bothers me...since there's only two ways to get rid of it. Somehow delete the shit from my mind, or if we somehow get to be on on good terms again it would probably go away and I can work easier and my mind would clear wonderfully.

This is fucking me up, I'm slipping...SHIT.

...for the worse.

Nothing Different

=FyrethilPhoenix — Thu, 18 Oct 2007 21:17:57 PDT

I've changed....

So, just an update on the nightmares here. They haven't gotten any worse, but they haven't gotten any better either. When my fiance was down here in San Diego visiting me, I stayed with her for the weekend, and naturally we shared the bed. Well, through those two nights she noticed me saying Zuni's name again in my sleep. She asked me about it on the first morning and I told her about it. She was sympathetic and she started trying to help me not have any of the nightmares. I would also always be utterly exhausted with back aches when we got back to the hotel, so one night to easy my pain and to hopefully help me dream better, she gave me a back massage. It worked wonders, not only did I not have a nightmare about Zuni, but I got a damn good sleep and my back felt PERFECT. Unfortunately on Monday I had to go into work early in the morning, so my back started hurting all over again...

But anyway, after I got back to the ship after she left, my back started hurting all over again because of work and the nightmares came back. So now they're the same again and havne't gotten any better.

...for the worse.

Gotten worse

=FyrethilPhoenix — Fri, 12 Oct 2007 11:54:13 PDT

I've changed....

Those nightmares have gotten worse. They've been occurring and then reoccurring every single night since the first time I had it. Some things have changed. The ways that she dies have changed...there is even one...where I die in the process. It's not pleasant, but thankfully, the yelling in my sleep has stopped. It's just troubling, I don't get it at all, as if these things are really going to happen in many different ways...I don't like it either.

...for the worse.

Nightmares

=FyrethilPhoenix — Mon, 08 Oct 2007 11:26:00 PDT

I've changed....

So, for the past four days I've been having nightmares. They're bad, and they center around death, and two particular people. The first is Chris...my best friend who I was in a metal band with for six years. He was killed shortly before I went into the Navy. But the one that they recur around most is . I don't know why she continues to pop up in my dreams. In every instance she ends up dead...and no matter what I try to do she still ends up dead. I thought that they would pass the first night, and I've been told by the others in my birthing that they've woken up in the middle of the night to me yelling her name. I didn't believe them until I caught myself doing it in the middle of the night. They're worried about it, they think that I'm haunted by something in my past, but it's really just...my imagination or something. I don't know if it means anything or not, but if it does I hope that it doesn't happen.

...for the worse.

Engaged

=FyrethilPhoenix — Thu, 04 Oct 2007 19:23:58 PDT

I've changed....

Holy shit....Just as the title of this journal says.

I'm engaged to a wonderful girl named Elaina Richie.

She's even coming down to San Diego next weekend to visit me for five days. She's staying at the Navy Lodge...and I'll be staying with her. I told her that we can get two beds in the room for only $70 a night. But she says no, she only wants one bed...just BECAUSE I'm staying with her for Friday and Saturday night. That means *cough*ChakaChaka*cough*

I swear though, I'm extraordinarily happy with the way my proposal went. We've already begun making plans for the wedding as well, even though complications have come up and we may be having to wait for a long long long long time. But that's cool, because it gives us time to strengthen the relationship even further than it already has been.

Well, that's it for me for now...see y'all!

...for the worse.

James vs the Drunken Driver

=FyrethilPhoenix — Mon, 01 Oct 2007 14:16:29 PDT

I've changed....

Today, October 1st, 2007 at about 10:05am, I received a phone call from my buddy Adam back home. He sounded like he had just lost someone. Well, that isn't far off.

Yesterday, James Smith, the bass guitarist from our beloved band Broken Phoenix, was hit by a drunk driver while riding his motorcycle home from work. Both of them were traveling at about fifty miles an hour when the collision occurred. There's pretty much nothing left of James' bike, but James suffered a large amount.

Compound fracture in the leg, broken arm, three broken ribs, several large lacerations all over his body. They say that he lost a lot of blood and he almost died en route to the hospital. But he's recovering now, and I'm extremely worried about him.

I don't think he's going to die...he better not...or I'll be kicking his ass in hell when I get there.

Get better soon, James, we love you buddy.

...for the worse.

San Diego to Hawaii and back again

=FyrethilPhoenix — Sat, 22 Sep 2007 13:01:16 PDT

I am the one...

So, on the 12th of September, I flew from the Naval base in San Diego to Pearl Harbor Hawaii to meet up with the USS Peleliu. The flight was five damn hours long, and I couldn't even sleep through half of it and I had a throbbing headache. It's all good though, because the check-in process was short and sweet and me and a few buddies were on liberty and in downtown Honolulu before two hours had gone by (after we got to the ship anyway).

So, after those three days, we joined the crew of the Peleliu on a five day trip back to San Diego, which rocked, especially at night when you could walk up onto the flight deck and look up at the sky and see endless stars. Seeing nothing but blue on either side...amazing...it was great.

Yes, I did do some work, I had to operate the flight and pilot elevators from a machinery room, a lot of valve turning and degreasing as well.

But now I'm back in San Diego and the next deployment is gonna be soon, though I don't know when exactly it'll happen.

Well, that's it for now.

Peace.

...The One You Fear Will Bring you Down

Fuck This World

=FyrethilPhoenix — Thu, 30 Aug 2007 22:06:55 PDT

I am the one...

Fuck it all
Fuck this world
Fuck everything that you stand for
Don't belong
Don't exist
Don't give a shit
Don't ever judge me.

'Nuff said.

...The One You Fear Will Bring you Down

L-Town - Brandon's Back

=FyrethilPhoenix — Mon, 27 Aug 2007 15:19:43 PDT

Machinist's Mate

Guess what, Livermorons? I'm back. That's right, back in Livermore for two weeks. I'm gonna have some fun with family and friends while I'm here, BBQs, movies, beer, beer, beer, beer, and beer, oh my god it's gonna be crazy. I'm gonna make it so that I cry when JI leave because I had such a blast.

WHEW!! Better keep me off the road....*sweatdrop*

USN

Coming Home

=FyrethilPhoenix — Sat, 18 Aug 2007 15:07:50 PDT

So, I'm finally done with "A" School and I'm headed home and then to the fleet. Finally, I'm in the real Navy, and not this bullshit training command stuff. Finally I can start my true Navy career.

Fuckin Navy

=FyrethilPhoenix — Thu, 05 Jul 2007 19:05:09 PDT

I can't stand it here in Great Lakes anymore, I want to be out of here. I'm not sure that joining the Navy was the greatest of ideas. My life has gone straight to the seventh circle of HELL since I've joined and come here. I don't even want to go to the mother fucking FLEET anymore! I thought it was a good idea, I thought it would make my life better, but ever since I've joined I've done nothing but LOSE things important to me. I was determined to hold onto them, but I let my anger slip, and now I've fucked myself over one too many times.

I FUCKING hate all this bullshit, this place SUCKS so much, I fucking hate being here, I fucking hate being part of the armed forces, I fucking HATE EVERYTHING RIGHT NOW! This is such BULLSHIT I JUST CAN'T FUCKING TAKE IT!!

FUCK IT!

Beat it Finally

=FyrethilPhoenix — Sun, 07 Jan 2007 22:22:40 PST

I beat Zelda Twilight Princess on new years day. It was probably THE BEST ZELDA GAME I'VE EVER PLAYED!!! It ROCKED, the length was perfect, there was tons of stuff to do, there was an awesome story line, and the way they did Hyrule was BEAUTIFUL! It was SO HUGE compared to OoT. Hyrule Field ALONE was amazing to me.

I LOVED the temples and the bosses were SO fun, especially the four-stage Ganondorf Boss Battle. GAH! That game was heavenly. ^___^

Completion time: 34:43

BWAHAHAHAHA

=FyrethilPhoenix — Mon, 06 Nov 2006 23:15:18 PST

ER?

Yesh...BWAHAHAHAHA!!! So my friend Adam is going to this thing with his wife and it's supposed to be this really really formal ball or something like that for the thing he works for. Well, the rest of our group of friends and I are going to pull a prank on him, and let me just say this: It involves soda, mentos, cake, firecrackers and lots and lots of beer.

This is gonna be fuuuuuuuuuuuuN!!!!

THE NAVYYYYYYYYNESS!

=FyrethilPhoenix — Wed, 01 Nov 2006 08:19:13 PST

The title says it all! I'm going into the navy!!!!! And I ship out in February! Hooray....-_-

School grumble

=FyrethilPhoenix — Mon, 18 Sep 2006 17:44:58 PDT

Yeah, so college is going meh and borderline fucked up right now. It's college, and I've been told that it's supposed to be a blast. *cough*bullshit*cough* I don't buy that worth a rat's ass. At least community college that is. I mean, I've made some awesome friends in english, that class is fun despite the fact that I'm most likely failing it. But, you know what, I think I'm gonna get my act together. I may hate school, but you know what, I CHOSE to go to college, so I might as well make the best of it and at least try at it. It will prove to be rewarding in the end, I can feel it, I know it will.

So, I've decided that studying must happen much more often, and in truth, I have been doing a lot more of it lately. Go me! W00Tness to the max times 2 squared then cubed to the power of fucking ten! YESH!!

Remembering 9/11 and Bashing Bush

=FyrethilPhoenix — Wed, 13 Sep 2006 15:10:00 PDT

I try not to, but it ends up being that I can't get that day out of my mind for very long at all. Which sucks, because I try not to think of disasters like that because it gets me derpressed. It turns from the simple thought of "Why the fuck did they do that," and the simple thoughts of the towers themselves, to the thought of "I can't imagine how those families felt...the ones who lost loved ones to those motherfucking pieces of terrorist fuck." Then that's what gets me depressed after I start thinking about how devastated those families were.

I have several friends who lost a friend or a family member to that attack, and it gives me a heartache that I can't cure myself of for the entire day. I really do wish that this had never happened, but then, who doesn't wish that it had never happened. What's done is done, and it cannot be changed, we cannot change the course of time, we can't change what happened. But then, I don't believe in fate either. Fate is just something that people use as an excuse as to why things happen.

Now, most of you who know me know that I hate Bush's guts with a burning passion that can never be doused. The man is a fucking moron, and they say that idiots don't make it into office. The motherfucker sent us to war, he is directly responsible those soldiers dying, and getting their head chopped off only to have their mutilated bodies dragged by parades all across the pavement. Then they had the fucking nerve to show that shit on television. Oh buddy, my girlfriend was P-I-S-S-E-D because she knew that this would never have happened if it were not for Bush and his stupid monkey-ass dumbass brain of his. FUCK YOU BUSH!

So, all you fucking republicans can hate me if you want, I don't give a shit, you guys fucked up, and the democrats are no better. The republican party fucked up when Bush took the stand BECAUSE Bush took the stand, he's a bastard and nothing more.

Second Week

=FyrethilPhoenix — Mon, 28 Aug 2006 17:37:35 PDT

Alright, I've survived through the first week at Las Positas College...now...I'm starting the second. I have to say I'm feeling a little bit more confident now, I'm having fun in English and College Study Skills. I've made a bunch of new friends, which is a plus at any school. But Math, I'm not so sure about that one. The teacher seems really cool, definitely much better than my math teacher for Senior year in High School (man, she was a bitch). I believe I can pull through this alright...wish me luck on my second week!

Peace!
-Brandon a.k.a Fyrethil/Fyre

College @_@

=FyrethilPhoenix — Wed, 23 Aug 2006 17:38:50 PDT

Yeah, college is confusing, but I'll get the hang of it eventually. I'm a bit worried about math though...I've already missed the first class, but I don't intend to do so again. I have it every Tuesday and Thursday as my first class of both those days. It starts at 1:30....wow....this is gonna get interesting real fast.

College, that is.

Hack Rant

=FyrethilPhoenix — Sat, 12 Aug 2006 15:26:38 PDT

My accout was hacked completely. Stripped clean of everything. So that account is now useless. I can't get on it because the motherfucker changed my password and the email that was associated with it so that I couldn't recover the password.

HACKERS ARE FUCKING LAZY MOTHERFUCKERS WHO CAN'T DO ANYTHING THEMSELVES. They're fucking noobs who don't have the patience to make their avi look good in the time that it should take. They're too impatient so they fuck over others just to make themselves look good. They're fucking idiotic and lazy and just fucking stupid.

They're losers and fakes and they can't do shit on their own, that's why they hack, because they suck major fucking ass.

RANT COMPLETE!

deviantART: by:FyrethilPhoenix

Here Goes Life...

*sigh*

Been a while

Life's Curveballs

Photography

TOTALLY HAD TO!

So

Holy cow!

Whew

God Fricken Damn IT!

Underway yet again!

So...

Christmas

Well Established

Home At Last

Almost Home

Don't wanna be here no more

Damn the Middle East

Bahrain and HINDER!!!

Singapore

Update

Leave and Deployment

Another Soundtrack and an actual journal entry.

Gotta do it again

Returning Memories

In Port Again

Still Underway

Haze Grey and Underway

Fuckin Monday

Okay...

Upcoming Writings / Current Projects

Fire Fire Fire

Life Goes On

Hearbroken...

Lyrics that fit my mood at the current moment

Well that's interesting

What the FUCK!

Christmas and New Years

It's been a while

Good News Y'all

I CAN'T GET HER OUT!!

Nothing Different

Gotten worse

Nightmares

Engaged

James vs the Drunken Driver

San Diego to Hawaii and back again

Fuck This World

L-Town - Brandon's Back

Coming Home

Fuckin Navy

Beat it Finally

BWAHAHAHAHA

THE NAVYYYYYYYYNESS!

School *grumble*

Remembering 9/11 and Bashing Bush

Second Week

College @_@

Hack Rant

sigh

School grumble