deviantART: by:Haru-Megami

Officially GONE....NEW ACCOUNT, PLEASE ADD!!

~Haru-Megami — Sun, 02 Mar 2008 01:04:07 PST

ADD!!!
don't befriend this one anymore!
I'm never going to get on it again (99% likely I will not xD)

Get rid of this one XD I'm no longer Haru MeGAMI.

I'M HARU MEGUMI = spring-blessing/grace

Add the new one!
(I deleted ALL my art....finally!)

thanks!
<3megumi

Carry me, I'm just a dead woman lying on the carpet, can't find a heartbeat
make me breathe, I want to be a new woman, tired of the old one, out with the old plan
Carry me, I'm just a dead woman lying on the carpet can't find a heartbeat...
make me breathe, I want to be a new woman, tired of the old one, out with the old plan!!!!

[link]

New account.......*reminder

~Haru-Megami — Sat, 05 Jan 2008 00:41:57 PST

Add!!! thanks xD

Get rid of this one XD I'm no longer Haru MeGAMI.

I'M HARU MEGUMI-BEARS. (just haru megUmi = spring-blessing)
One of these days I'll get to moving everything. @.@ like.. to scraps. XD or not. i dunno
maybe i'll just let it sit there
or not
i dunno
what should I do?

New Account (please add!)

~Haru-Megami — Wed, 02 Jan 2008 14:04:01 PST

I wanted a change in last name. (shot)

My new account is (haru-megumi.deviantart.com)
XD; Apparently I was one letter off when I first put my name together. (joke)
Megumi means "Grace" or "blessing" in Japanese. But yeah, I think I'll no longer be updating here. (at least I hope not! XD)
I can regain my statistics again in a year or something, it doesn't really matter to me, as long as my friends know where to relocate me. I'll admit... I'll miss being known as "Miss Megami' /shot I guess I'm miss "Megumi" now. : p

It almost makes me not want to change it. (big deal, huh? haha) I'm not one for change. I usually don't like change. Well, if I don't get used to it, I can come back to this one. XD'''

Spring Blessing... A fresh, new start.

I must admit

I miss having a subscription XDD I mean, the only thing I don't like is how you have to click to view everyyy comment on a different page (instead of it just displaying all the comments on one page)

blahblahblah happy new year everyone I can't believe it's 2008 @__@ The year I would've been graduating from HS. (I'm c/o of '09) It's... amazing... to be here. I wish I would be graduating... that'd be so weird. (saying that since I went through all that chemotherapy/cancer-treatment junk)

MAN. I wrote this super-long entry for dA a couple weeks ago, but wasn't able to put it online because I didn't have internet at the time. I guess I'll just sum it up: God answered my prayer about having someone to hang out with who lives in my grandparent's neiborhood, and that'd they'd be Christian. LOL I'm still in awe over the whole thing, but it's insane. His name is Chris, and he's a "baby Christian." You would be awestruck too if you knew how God made us meet. x__x; If it weren't through my counselor's secretary, we wouldn't have become friends. It's even funnier 'cause before she introduced us, a couple weeks before when we took the state TAKS test, on the 3rd day of the History TAKS we had to sit next to eachother the last half of the day. (they rearranged us, and whatdoyaknow : p) He said he had overheard me talking to this one boy about Jesus, so Chris told me he thought, "Wow who is this girl? She knows a lot about Jesus" LOL <3
I don't have these 'secretive feelings'/some crush on him. He's nice and all, but not the kind of guy I'm looking for. Anyway, it's CRAZY because...Chris and my ex BF has all these parallel similarities...opposites... things...

OK, parallels. I typed them all out in my unposted journal-entry LOL NO I am not obsessive! I just was totally awestruck when I realized on this:

#1 Chris has the same last name as Mario. I wont type it all out, but it begins with an "R" And, they don't have the same middle name, BUT they both begin with an "A" It goes like this: MAR; CAR. /shot
#2 Mario lived with his grandmother and didn't see his mom very often. Chris lived with his mom and hasn't seen his grandma in years.
#3 Mario used to live in my grandparent's neiborhood, his house was a few blocks in front of my grandparent's house. Chris still lives in this neiborhood, and his house is a few blocks behind my grandparent's house.
#4 ...Money thing
#5 Mario's dad left his family to fend for themselves, ... Chris doesn't have his dad anymore.
#6 They both ride the bus. (shot)
#7 When my grandma met Mario, she met him in the backyard and I lied to her that Mario went to the same school as me and that we were [just] friends. When grandma met Chris, it was in the FRONTyard, and I told her [This time it's the truth] that we went to the same school together and same grade. (and that we're NOT dating!!)

His girlfriend, and my boyfriend:
#8 For Chris's ex g/f, he was faithful to her, but she was unfaithful to him. I was faithful to Mario, Mario was unfaithful to me.
#9 When Mario and I dated I wasn't a true Christian, I was a false convert. For Chris and his (now ex) g/f, he was an actual born-again Christian.
#10 I was willing to sacrifice my beliefs for Mario so we could be more alike. Chris didn't want to "give up the One who saved him" to become more like his g/f who was doing non-Christian things.
#11 Mario was doubting in God, stopped believing in Jesus, but presently claims to be Christian. Chris's ex g/f tried to be more Christian because of Chris, but now she isn't all together.
#12 Chris is now going through the exact same thing I went through when Mario left me. (His g/f broke up with him)

--Chr...

VICTORY!!!!! (in reponse to my last entry)

~Haru-Megami — Sat, 01 Dec 2007 15:58:52 PST

"Trust in the Lord with all thine heart, and lean not unto thine own understanding." Proverbs 3:5

YES I KNEWW IT ;o; (This is super long, but I think it's worth reading. XD It's not boring.. : P )
I knew if I just waited it out, (the thing about NHS I was saying in my last entry that happened on Tuesday this past week) Thursday was the day I was told in my spirit to wait >o<

Anyway okay, lemme start a bit over.
Long story short (for those who don't know) My dad and step mom wouldn't let me join NHS (National Honors Society) because my step mom got all angry over it being last minute. I cried not merely just over the NHS thing, but because I don't feel like I get any support from my parents, and it's been building up inside. Anyway, that night I was weeping, I took my Bible out of its case as I lay on my bed and I opened it..and the FIRST page in got opened up to happened to be in the Psalms... Psalm 30. I took my first glance at it and read,

"Sing to the LORD, you saints of his;
praise his holy name.

For his anger lasts only a moment,
but his favor lasts a lifetime;
weeping may remain for a night,
but rejoicing comes in the morning. " (v4-5)

@_@ I got a reminder on that from Him..I sound like a little kid as I go over this, but you know, the moment I received that NHS invitation at school I knew God would use that as my 'ticket' into the college He's planned for me to go to. I should have stuck to that, but instead, on Wednesday... my heart grew SO BITTER against my parents. I've never gotten that way for years! I didn't like it, I didn't want to be bearing grudges. I wasn't, but I just felt so darn hurt. ; ;
I told both my aunts what happened over the phone. All the things they said to me that night. The way my step mom raised her voice, how my dad said he wouldn't support me for it, the same old unjust treatments as usual. I was crushed. But I kept tryinggg to not give the Devil a foothold on me because of that anger/pain/resentment.

Well, Thursday was the NHS induction ceremony. My parents knew that, 'cause I had told them that night in that dreadful conversation. Thursdays after school (at school) I attend a Bible Study club, but that day my parents had to go across town for some meeting, and couldn't pick me up from school. My grandma was going to do that, and I'd go home with her. But instead, I had this thought in heart: My friend Alex, he wants to become a pastor one day too, and I love talking to him because we both have the things in mind of God. So I asked Alex if he didn't mind giving me a ride home, and he agreed. (4:20pm we left the school)

Bible Study got cut short because there was no teacher in the room to 'supervise' us and another teacher had said we couldn't stay. As Alex was driving down the main road, I asked him if he wanted to go to Marble Slab (this ice cream parlor) he was like, "OHHH I HAVEN'T BEEN THERE IN SO LONG. : D" so I said, "My treat :3" and he couldn't protest against it, since he had no money with him. XD

OKAY, HERE'S THE BAD PART: I'm not aloud to be riding in the car with another teenager. LOL. I'm 18 though, but I'm sure those rules are still the same. (I'm leading a bad example, but please read the rest of the story to get to the conclusion so you wont follow after me!! x.x)

It was around 6:00pm... (we got there at like 5:00pm -stupid traffic!- , but we sat in the car talking for 30 min XD) ...we were done with our icecream but of course we were still talking. (wee, fun!) then suddenly... MY DAD CALLS MY CELL PHONE. x__X My heart DROPPED.

._;

~Haru-Megami — Tue, 27 Nov 2007 18:41:44 PST

"Trust in the Lord with all thine heart, and lean not unto thine own understanding." Proverbs 3:5

It's so hard
It hurts so much
I don't how to put this into words
but my heart literally feels broken
I don't know how I exactly feel towards all this
But one thing i do know (and for the record, I'm crying as I'm typing this >< ) that the Lord will PROVIDE ;~; My dad and my step mom... they tear me up into pieces.

They don't support me when it comes to school. There's this thing called "National Honors Society" (NHS) and it's where only people with a 4.0GPA can be in it, and it has all these benefits in it concerning college. (Like scholarships, doing community service, etc) But because, OF COURSE, every time I talk to them about "last minute" junk my step mom gets PISSED. Long story short, they wont let me do it.

My dad even said it himself at the beginning of the conversation, "I'm not going to support you." big WOW, right? ;___;
oh great, my mom just called me (on phone)... of course I could barely hold my tears in, but she noticed >.< I don't want my mom to know. (there's bad history with her knowing this x_x I don't want her to call my dad randomly and say a bunch of things... then I GET THE BLAME. >< )
I probably worried my mom ;-;'!!!!

Then my step mom jumped into the conversation, she said "and you Rick -my dad- might suddenly have to pick her up at the last minute, because so and so couldn't get her, then you see Ayla -me- I can't ever spend time with my husband and blahblahblah, blah blahhh blahh" (something like that) and then she went on to say something like, "He's never there for me, he's busy and I don't get to see him" under my breath(whispering) I responded, "sounds familiar ;_x'"

I totally boasted about getting into NHS. I shouldn't have said anything at all, it doesn't matter though, I just real excited and thankful I got invited to something like that.

You know, the only time my dad will ever do something for me... ;__; is when I'm told horribly bad news, I have to be FRICKING DYING for him to pull himself out of his job
That I can see God's cursed him over (dad and step mom are in debt. and it's no wonder to me because of their total ungodliness and ignorance of the Lord God) .. I have to be dying for him to start showing he cares for me. There's so much corruption I see that Satan has done to this side of the family, and it grieves me so much. I feel even worse for my little sister. She isn't even allowed to see my grandparents. My little sister grew up never knowing them, and now my grandpa's in the hospital dying. Man, those are just a couple examples of the things that are so wrong.

I asked my dad, "What does exasperate mean?" He told me it meant "to frustrate." Then I asked, "What does embitter mean?" He said he didn't really know and told me to look it up in the dictionary.

You know why I asked that?
It is written: "Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged." (Colossians 3:21) and "Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord." (Ephesians 6:4)

M-w.com says embitter means "expressive of severe pain, grief, or regret " and exasperate " to excite the anger of : enrage; to cause irritation or annoyance to; to make more grievous: aggravate"

He does that to me... they both do it.
Every time I come home to this house, (it's not a home at all) it feels so empty. The appearance is too plain, I always say we need more of those "LIVE LAUGH LOVE" signs hanging around. The atmosphere feels negative... I feel like if anyone'...

BEAUTIFUL ;o;

~Haru-Megami — Fri, 23 Nov 2007 20:23:01 PST

"Trust in the Lord with all thine heart, and lean not unto thine own understanding." Proverbs 3:5

[link]

That...........video..............l;kf;sajdfjklskfjlsjfklsf
I just had to share it.
It totally touched the depths of my heart... all of mee......oh my gosh I'm in love @_@ I should have made my make-a-wish on that, by acting out that super awesome skit. It portrays life beautifully, 'cause it's sooo true...for us who love God and know Him. :3 gah, i can't get over how awesome this is. I relate to it 100%... I'm sure a lot of us do.
What're u waiting for?? Check it out!!

[link]

Commission for dA subscription?

~Haru-Megami — Mon, 19 Nov 2007 10:55:03 PST

"Trust in the Lord with all thine heart, and lean not unto thine own understanding." Proverbs 3:5

Haha the title rhymes. XD (I like, I like @>@ )

I really don't consider myself art-worthy to get a "donated" subscription from any of you guys. (though I'd be sooo grateful) But um, if I've been of any help or you (hopefully!) like the way I do my artwork, I'll do commissions in exchange for a deviantArt subscription. <3

Subscription for 3 months: I'll draw you a hammy of yourself, in anyway (which I am able to draw) that you'd like. :3

Subscription for a year: I'll draw you a picture of your human self, or hamu-self, or I'll draw both of them together. <3

If you're willing to do this and help me out, please send me a note first (before you give me a dA subscription) If you send me a note, please inform me first on how you'd like me to draw your picture for you and what exactly will you give in return: A year or a 3 month subscription.

My sub will be ending soon in Dec, and I'd love to add life to it. ^.x
Please give me time to respond to your note or comment!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In other news.........
I MISS drawing :[ Even during these thanksgiving holidays I'm STILL doing something. -.- Let's see...for 3 days I have my younger cousins to keep company, Wed. is a 'girls night out' thing with my friends.....Thur is thanksgiving of course.......friday morning is a doctor's appointment.... nothing (yet) on the weekends but gah, and in between all that I gotta read my Bible (<3) and do a book report. :[
And I am such a horrible person when it comes to time and using it wisely! I am working on it. -.-

peace!

Skeptical? Not? Check out these stories :]

~Haru-Megami — Sat, 10 Nov 2007 14:11:06 PST

"Trust in the Lord with all thine heart, and lean not unto thine own understanding." Proverbs 3:5

[link]

<3

I really encourage anyone to watch some of those or read them. I love reading or hearing about the testimonies of others concerning Christ. Mainly 'cause... well, when I hear them it reminds me of the first encounter I had with God when He came in my heart. So when I hear the stories of others, they're very similar when it comes to the work of the Spirit. That's why I love 'em <3 Plus, it's uplifting and encouraging, because we know that God will work in the lives of those who seek Him.

I wish I was disciplined enough to write down all the marvelous things God's doing in my life. I LOVE it. I wanna write them down because, they're entirely opposite to my old writings (in the past) Totally contrary to the negativity, depression, and sort of anguish I once had. But my Lord took them all away.

At school in the hallways, I always see people (boyfriend+girlfriend) together. The Devil put this thought in my mind towards them, "It must be so great to have someone to be there for you." But I made a response to that thinking and said, "I do have a 'boyfriend'... His name is the LORD. And He's better than anyone" LOL but it's true, right? God is faithful, loyal, kind, trustworthy, loving, and more-- He's forgiving, He's merciful, slow to anger and quick to compassion-- He's the One for all of us who believe and obey His commands.

"Everyone who believes that Jesus is the Christ is born of God, and everyone who loves the father loves his child as well. This is how we know that we love the children of God: by loving God and carrying out his commands. This is love for God: to obey his commands. And his commands are not burdensome, for everyone born of God overcomes the world. This is the victory that has overcome the world, even our faith. Who is it that overcomes the world? Only he who believes that Jesus is the Son of God." // 1 John 5:1-5

His command is this: To know Him, (a relationship) with the Son. Jesus said "He who receives you receives me, and he who receives me receives the one who sent me." (Matthew 10:40) and, "No one who denies the Son has the Father; whoever acknowledges the Son has the Father also." (1 John 2:23)

Concerning judgment day, "Many will say to me on that day, 'Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name, and in your name drive out demons and perform many miracles?' Then I will tell them plainly, 'I never knew you. Away from me, you evildoers!'" (Matthew 7:22-23) There are many so called Christians(or believers) in the world who think that by righteousness or being "religious" paves the way for salvation. Clearly it does not, for if salvation could be gained through works, then Christ died for nothing! (Gal. 2:21)

So then, many will be at the door step and say to God, "We did this and that and blahblahblah all for You, all in Your Name, let us come in!" But Christ will reply, "I don't know you and you don't know me, away from me!" We don't let random strangers in our homes, we have no idea who they are or where they come from, or what they're intentions are-- likewise, because people refuse to come to know the Lord He wont allow them inheritance for the kingdom and receive salvation. Who rewards a criminal? Do judges let law breakers go free without justice? We broke God's Law (what we call 'sin', transgression of the Law) and deserve punishment. But Jesus came and bore our sins on the cross so that "whosoever believes in Him will be saved." (John 3:16) Whoever puts their trust and hope in God through Jesus Christ, refusing to deliberately sin (...

Golden Compass is anti-God; Birthday; Scan Results

~Haru-Megami — Wed, 31 Oct 2007 16:48:54 PDT

"Trust in the Lord with all thine heart, and lean not unto thine own understanding." Proverbs 3:5

Golden Compass is Anti-God/Anti-Christian... :[
(I was shocked at learning this)

[link]
[link] * 1 of the news articles

Yeahhh I'm with the Catholics on this one.
I read the Golden Compass book 3 years ago.......... I've never read the other books of the series, now I'm glad I didn't, how horrible for this film to be released during Christmas time, eh? Sounds like it's purposely been planned that way. Expressing anti-God & anti-Christian views on a Christmas season.

I don't plan on seeing this film anymore, I hope that all Christians and Catholics wouldn't either. I encourage my friends don't as well. I wouldn't want to support this person in anyway. This man speaks utter blasphemy. Another worker of iniquity. :[

For more Research: [link]

-----------------------------------
apart from that.... ;~; God answered prayer for my birthday last Wednesday. I mean... I had asked God that He'd do something for me that day, but to be honest I didn't expect it! x_X 'cause I didn't want to get my hopes up..since in the past I've always been brought down to disappointment. But this time... for the first time since 4 years I had a SURPRISE birthday from friends. :] Although... this is what gets me:

So in the morning I got ready for school. I wanted to make a "dollar ribbon" but I knew I needed a ribbon first to indicate that... "HEY, IT'Z MAH BDAY LOLZ" when ppl see it....... as I was looking around in my room, I randomly got the idea from God to "look up" LOL and sure enough, there was a red ribbon on the top of my shelf. (yeah I was surprised by that..totally random)
I arrived at school and it was a TAKS testing make-up day for me... before school started I managed to gain $2 from friends. :]
After I was done taking the Math Taks, I went to my 6th period class. There was only like 10min left til the next class, and when it ended I went on my way to my 7th period class. In the hallway, I'm thankful I had suddenly remembered to go up to the front office to get an excuse note with the doctor's note I had (it was for Monday) ... God totally put that thought in my mind. @.@ As I went on my way to the front office, I came passing by the counseling offices and Mrs. Garcia, the secretary waved at me to come in. She got up from her seat and pulled out a gift bag and told me happy birthday and said, "didn't you remember I had told you to come in here on your birthday??" I told her I completely forgot until she reminded me. I was so thankful, I told her, and then went on my way back to class after stopping by the front office to get that excuse note.
Now back to the dollar ribbon... LOL let's just conclude that with.. I ended up with $9 at the end of the day. xD

After school was over, I checked my phone and my Aunt had sent me a text msg saying she couldn't pick me up early (right after school was over) because my little cousin was sick, (poor thing) We had made plans to go to Good Will (I wanted to look for a hippie outfit for halloween xD) So yeah, I was pretty disappointed, but I text her back agreeing for her to pick me up at 5:30pm (instead of 4:15, after school) I was going to let her know I was upset, but I didn't, I prayed right then saying, "Okay God, I'm not going to show her I'm upset. I'm just going to trust in You, because You tend to come through for me all the time..maybe this weekend I'll somehow make it to Good Will."

Okay now here's the thing. Wednesdays we...

LOL!!

~Haru-Megami — Sat, 13 Oct 2007 12:13:25 PDT

"Trust in the Lord with all thine heart, and lean not unto thine own understanding." Proverbs 3:5

[link]

HE USED MY FEET.
LOL HAHAHAHA
I wonder if he knows those are MY feet! rofl XD I feel gud.

sorry I had to shout that out like an idiot.

Pastor Warren (<3) put my shoes on his myspace! haha and all those pieces of paper...that are on the floor of that picture at the top of his page (with my shoes/feet, dur) that was the used-to-be-unripped paper with the big bold letters, "Satan's Plans" and I RIPPED IT ALL APART :] Victory! That campmeeting was awesome. I want the next one to come now ;~;
Those ripped pieces of paper are "nailed" (pinned) to my wall. ... serving as a reminder, Satan's lost the battle for this life!

Today's the band competition! it's gonna be interesting to see how well we do! I hope we get first XD (i doubt it /shot) well i best be getting ready now >.<
ta ta-toodles!

PASSION ROJAS

~Haru-Megami — Mon, 08 Oct 2007 20:19:03 PDT

"Trust in the Lord with all thine heart, and lean not unto thine own understanding." Proverbs 3:5

(My site, [link] is up!)

It's so funny the way people other than hispanics/mexicans pronounce our marching show name..............

buttt
I PASS THE FIRST SIX WEEKS!!!!!!! (w00t! Glory to GOD < and I haven't read the whole book yet. I'm in chapter 6 and I have no idea what's going on. LOL but anyway. I gotta new motto now, "if you wanna see stupid...MEET ME!!" /shot I guess I feel pretty good right now.

Lord...Lord, I'll always need You, and it seriously is a miracle I'm standing this day.

I get a P.E.T. scan soon, I dunno when, but sometime next week. (yay, I get to be excused from all these classes! x.o) I'll be 18 Oct 24, LET FREEDOM RING! I'm going to fulfill my life long dream since I was a child..............BUY A LOTTERY SCRATCH TICKET. /shot shot
those things are fun. No no, I'm not an addict over it!! Jesus said man could only serve but one master. "Man cannot serve both money and God" ... my God is Jehovah Jireh! (The Lord will provide) WEE

My pastor last Sunday... I never heard him preach in that way before. For the first time I heard him speak, speaking in a very deep, passionate, holding-back-tears sort of way. When he was talking about "going through the valley..." ...(the higher the mountain, the bigger the valley)... He spoke about the roots of Cornerstone Church, how it all began in a garage. My pastor, John Hagee, grew up in a small home in a humble setting. Now his purpose in life he's practically fulfilled entirely, God raised this poor man up and exalted him. @_@ Hagee is a millionaire, all because of his perseverance and great love and support for the nation Israel, God's firstborn. "I will bless those who bless you, and curse those who curse you" says God, in Genesis, concerning Israel. That man, Hagee, God's blessed so abundantly. Hagee preached to us... "When you go through the valley, you can cry when you go through the pains... but weeping may endure for the night, and joy cometh in the morning." He said something like that, in the most awesome passionate voice.

God gives us a promise in our hearts, and there will be trials and tribulation, but at the end of every trouble God gives us His promise. When I look at my pastor, I see a man greatly favored by God. I love Hagee so much. It's just... so amazing. Sometimes I wonder to myself, "Will God really do that much for me?" obviously not all believers can become millionaires : p (this isn't about money btw) but... yeah... but I've got an answer to that: God will give to each of us according to what we have worked for. We'll be satisfied with what He gives us... each person receives their own portion through the purpose God created them for. So we're all created for a unique purpose, that only we can fulfill and no one else can...whatever God gives us...is what we were created to receive by grace... (yeaahh did I confuse you? XD)

I'm going through my own troubles... I hate to admit it, but I don't even have the time to read the Bible. (I'm wasting it right now by typing this now that I realize it >< But there's a reason behind everything... a...

Words #9

~Haru-Megami — Sun, 30 Sep 2007 16:43:31 PDT

"Trust in the Lord with all thine heart, and lean not unto thine own understanding." Proverbs 3:5

(I made a new entry on HHK [link] if you want to read it)

Thursdays after school we have a Bible Study, and by grace I've been able to attend it. :>

Well all that day, I had wanted to preach/give a Word to everyone attending. The time came, and I found that Alex (a friend) was giving a sermon. It was actually pretty interesting. o_o He gave the Scriptures concerning how God has given us the breath of life, and then pointed out how Jesus said, "I am the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and the End" (Revelation) well like... YHWH is what God told Moses when Moses asked for God's Name. "I AM WHO I AM" but when you try to pronounce "YHWH" you can't really say it unless you add syllables in it (Ex: Yahweh) Well he asked us.."What if everytime we breathed, we were saying God's Name? We entered this world by our first breath, and we leave it with our last." Then we all grew silent and listened to ourselves breath, and it does sound like "YHWH" o__x So we were all in awe about that. He was like, "If an athiest says to you, 'I don't believe in God' What does he do next? ...[i]Breath.[/i]" It was really interesting...but wow, what if it's true?

Well anyway, afterward, there was about 15minutes left. Megan and Rachel (the Bible study leaders) we looking through the Bible to find a verse to use for the last 15 minutes of the session. I started doing the same. I kept thinking to myself, "I know You're (God) going to give me some verse to say... I don't know what it is, but I believe I'm going to find it" And I REALLY DID, with NO QUESTIONS, believed I'd find something. And I did. I raised my hand to get Megan and Rachel's attention, and told them I'd like to speak. So they nodded O.K., and I got up and went in front of the class.

"I don't know how I'm going to preach this to y'all.. but I felt God all day God wanted me to give a Word. I didn't know exactly what it'd be, but well, here I go. Turn to 1 Corinthians 13:4 in your Bibles." Then Megan and Rachel flipped. "Ayla.. We were going to use that same Scripture before you decided to speak."

Every was struck with amazement, and God gave me a burst of joy come up inside and I said to the class, "See!! This is what happens when you act on having faith. When God places a thought or desire in your heart and mind, don't hesitate to act on it or question whether you should do it or not. Just obey what God tells you to do. He really does move mountains, for some reason He just loves to do it at the last minute! (What I really meant was "God does things on His own time, not on ours") Because God works in ways and has thoughts that are higher than ours. I place all my hope and trust in God, not in a friend or in a man. Only in God. :]

Then the verse the LORD gave was this: Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me.
Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I...

maybe it'd be easier

~Haru-Megami — Wed, 26 Sep 2007 21:15:01 PDT

"Trust in the Lord with all thine heart, and lean not unto thine own understanding." Proverbs 3:5

..to let fear control you and obey what the world says

But you know
I've discovered so much more
It's... not their faults
It's him... he's the one responsible. That one who's been sinning since the beginning.
I'm not going to react out of anger or betrayal, isn't that what people in the world do?

Today was "See You At The Pole" day ([link]) and about a week 1/2 before this day, I was troubled on if I should forsake band practice that morning and go. Well after being convinced I should fulfill my obligations... but when I went to rehearsal, I found my heart become REAL heavy and my insides felt so troubled... while I marched, I saw more and more people gather around at the pole.
After a few minutes finally I began to think, "I REALLY need to be there... I should be there right now... I shouldn't be here doing band..." I just felt so troubled. I prayed to God to create a way for me to sneak out of rehearsal, and then it happened. My director said "let's to the dance block" (band formation for the dance team) and I saw my path to run on and out of the field to the school flag pole to meet with the other believers. I ran with my trombone and all to it, I fell on the ground for a moment (grass stain on my right knee..my fave pants too. i'll forever have it marked there to remember this glorious day) and I got back up, went into the circle without realizing I came next to a good friend in Comp. Prog. Then the teacher, or host of the meeting spoke, "Does anyone want to pray for the school, or anything?" I don't know what happened right then and there, but I shot up my right hand and the teacher nodded for me to pray outloud. I went in the middle of the circle next to the pole, and before I knew it, I found myself praying and preaching. It was just... so moving.
"My message and my preaching were not with wise and persuasive words, but with a demonstration of the Spirit's power..." (1 Corinthians 2:4)
The band began playing the show music, and it's funny 'cause my director had said to do the DANCE BLOCK but I guess he changed his mind and said to march the whole show again. They played the part in the music where it's all... sad and moving, but strong sounding, and it happened WHILED I prayed... so I told myself, "Don't concentrate on the music... it's weird they're playing at this moment, but focus on God"
I did it. I did what He called me out to do

I'm confident now
I know my purpose in life....

"There is no plans, no wisdom, no insight that can succeed against the LORD." proverbs 21:30
-----

but despite what people say
I know it's not them
it's him... that one who's been sinning since the beginning

Amazing love, how could it be?

~Haru-Megami — Thu, 06 Sep 2007 17:07:05 PDT

"Trust in the Lord with all thine heart, and lean not unto thine own understanding." Proverbs 3:5

Today I went to the Bible Study after school. (held at school) Again..God answered me.

I've been praying to the Lord to keep me from becoming proud. I want to flee from believing thoughts that have to do with "being better" than someone. The gifts God gives us...are not to be boasted about..and to never be exalted over the gifts of another member of the Body of Christ. For God has distributed His gifts to each person according their purpose in life. So it's just as Paul wrote... telling us not to take pride over against another:

For who makes you different from anyone else? What do you have that you did not receive? And if you did receive it, why do you boast as though you did not? (1 Corinthians 4:7)

I don't want to think that "I'm wiser" because if I were to dwell on such a thought, I'd really be a fool and not "wise" at all. x.xI don't want my gifts to have dominion over me. We all need to have dominion over our gifts instead.

The meeting was truly anointed. The leader of the group, Rachel, gave this powerful testimony about Christ... Recently..she was in this terrifying car accident. She gave the story real detailed and I could tell God was giving her the right words to speak but gosh... you know the car she was in, every seat was filled with someone in her family. Well they were going like...the high way speed limit, and there was some sort of construction going on ahead, and this truck cut them off the road.. and they ended up swerving back and forth and the car resulted in flipping over. The windows shattered...and in this other car I believe with other family members, (I don't remember how she told it x.x) but her future brother in law and I think her sister... both flew through the window of their car and the sister's head hit the concrete which cracked her skull. The brother in law came out tumbling over several times but was real injured.. but Rachel climbed out of the car (upside down) and cried out, "JESUS, JESUS!" and she acted quickly...everything she did was completely out of faith.. her mom was screaming and weeping, because her brother who was in the car had his legs severed off...her sister's baby made it out alive without injury by the grace of God, because she was strapped in the car seat. NO glass affected her at all... and Rachel just kept on speaking the Word saying to each of her family members, "Jesus is here, God is going to take care of us, He's going to heal you don't worry.." The only injury Rachel got was a bruise on the shoulder. God used her, no doubt...Her brother in law was stuck under the car, so while everyone was in panic Rachel yelled out that they needed men to lift up the car. So the people who had stopped on the road came forward and about 12 men lifted up the car and pulled him out...blood was all over his face and body...but Rachel believed God would heal them all and no one would die. It's truly a miracle, I wish you could have heard the story yourself, because she told it exactly how it was in the best possible way. If she got seriously injured, and then did not get those people to lift the car... her brother would have died...if she didn't go to these strangers who stopped along the road and pray with them for her family...if she never ACTED... lives would have been lost. But God had a plan. Her sister had applied this pressure to her head with her hand since she was bleeding. And because she put that pressure there, the doctors said if she hadn't she would have died. God's strengthened the faith of that family and brought them to the cross. I thought, wow, you know? So God had answered me when I asked Him to put people in my life who have a greater *blank* than me so I'll keep from becoming proud. She's obviously anointed by God. She's alive and well, kept...

Talk about 'under attack'

~Haru-Megami — Mon, 03 Sep 2007 22:21:06 PDT

"Trust in the Lord with all thine heart, and lean not unto thine own understanding." Proverbs 3:5

I guess I better deem myself worthy.
Um... /rips a hole through HHK
Apart from that utter chaos and unwanted pain,

..God IS working in my life.
Okay let me gather my recent memories...
Back on like, Wednesday, after lunch... I was saddened by an old friend who pretty much walked away from me. (Personal :[ ) so I prayed to God, "Please help me get over this, I don't want it to ruin the rest of the day..." well then after it was passing period and while heading to Comp. Programming class, I heard this boy singing "You never let go" by Matt Redman (it's a Christian song) so I turned to him and joyfully asked, "You're Christian?? too much of a coincidence D;

God truly does take our bad experiences I uses them for good. Monday before I found out about the Bible study Wednesday...my dad had picked me up from school late 'cause I got band pictures done. Well my step mom didn't know that, so she was super worried when I got home. So when she questioned me if I told daddy about it, I said yes, and broke down 'cause I thought she was getting mad at me that I forgot to directly tell her. (she wants me to tell her these things first) I guess I broke down mainly 'cause I was SO tired. Plus... past scars. :[ Before I had cancer, we'd always fight 'cause apparently I did something "wrong." So I freaked out thinking I screwed up ALREADY. But though I broke down... I trusted God in the back of my mind. D; I couldn't help but get all upset and cry. I felt SO stressed.
But she told me things would be different, and if I ever needed to stay after school for stuff she wouldn't mind. So my step mom says it's fine for me to stay after schools for the Bible study. There's a purpose behind everything..

I desperately need the Lord right now. I NEED His peace. I don't understand the trouble I'm going through at the moment. ._. Times like this I need Him the most, He purposely pulls Himself away to teach me some lesson or build up more trust. People might say, "well, your God isn't answering you because He doesn't care or isn't there. Why do you even bother?" Because I just KNOW He's there. That night He answered me in all my distress, when He filled me with this joy and peace...

OK, I think I got this figured out

~Haru-Megami — Sun, 02 Sep 2007 15:25:24 PDT

"Trust in the Lord with all thine heart, and lean not unto thine own understanding." Proverbs 3:5

I do have a back up plan. Um, regardless of what some people say, for the sake of the peaceful people (who aren't anger-hate-bashing filled) I'll bring back HHK. Just 'cause like... I thought about it, and also 'cause there are people who can't communicate to friends online other than the forums.

But I will be much stricter. If people are going to start junk, goodbye. Take your unforgiving attitude and hate-talk elsewhere.

Trolly will be back also, because I'm coming back. (otherwise he said he would not)

And for the record... I had this planned out. In the back of my mind I did pretty much see all this coming. Either way, I was going to delete everything and start over.
Just disregard any other stuff. We need another fresh start.

and the HHK background burnssss /shot

Claiming victory

~Haru-Megami — Wed, 29 Aug 2007 20:30:42 PDT

"Trust in the Lord with all thine heart, and lean not unto thine own understanding." Proverbs 3:5

I need to type this up quick, because I need to wake up at 5:40am to be at school (band practice) by 6:45am, (i can't be tardy 'cause they punish you with push-ups x_x

gosh...school is hectic, I was stressed out about some classes, but I'm good now. My uncle gave me this verse in Ephesians 4:23 for encouragement, because I need to cut off that old habit of worry about having better concentration on my school work (after lunch when i get all tired, makes it hard for me to concentrate on what i'm reading : p)

I don't know how to put this other stuff going on
well I'm living with my dad
and I felt real strongly to update my dA daily..
um... anyway, I had asked my step mom if I could wear eyeliner, (in the past she said I couldn't wear any make-up) and well, she responded like.. "well, I don't know. I guess you can" and I replied to her, "um.. i don't hope that was sarcastic.." and she told me she didn't want to say NO because "of my past cancer-condition".. she doesn't want to upset me and stress me out (BAD history between us) so now I feel bad, because my condition is like an excuse...and it made me upset anyway! (she doesn't know that) but it hurts, you know?
I wish she had an understanding heart
I hate to admit this, but because of my past negativity I'm so used to (especially now that I'm back at my dad's house living here) it's like.. a habit that comes back: I get those suicidal-related thoughts. I actually thought after I was upset, (on top of all the other doubts and stress) that I wanted to die! But no, I DON'T truly want to die. So I just said, "It's written: Do not murder" because I totally forgot in the last 2 days about that Devil : p It's no wonder I'm like this lately... he's like, trying to move in on me because of that weakness. This is like the perfect time for Satan to fill my mind with a bunch of garbage like, "You can't last through the school year; Your step mom is going to hurt you emotional again; Just give up; School is going to be too hard; The sun will affect you and make you faint when you march (band); You wont find friends at school who can understand and be close friends; You're feeling troubled and weak inside, you can't do school;" OMGOSH it goes ON. I just can't remember the other things. It's just too strange! ._.; Even right now I'm worried that my step mom will walk in my bed room and get mad at me for being on my laptop. To be honest, I'm so scared and emotionally damaged because of the past, now that I'm back HERE... it's different. My grandparent's house was my comfort zone! I'm out of it now, I'm in the real world now. And yes, I HATE IT!! ;__; you guys don't know how unbelievably weak I am, my heart friggen drops dead almost daily in the past few days. I'm being told that... if I don't have someone to love or lean on dearly.. I wont make it. Do you know how heavily I rely on God's grace? It isn't a bad thing, these days God is working in my life. I wrote about it in my diary the other day, and yea, it was a real positive entry. But now I see the strife going on and how the Enemy is trying to harm me and stop me from fulfilling my purpose. What am I going to do? I'm going to believe and claim it in faith. I may not know what to pray or say to God, so I'm going to friggin' praise Him. Yeah, I'm gonna tell the Lord how awesome He is, and though I don't get it, though when the days come that it appears all is against me, I'll be there worshipping. The prophets did it, the saints did it, Jesus did it, dude I'm doing it.
I'm sick of being depressed from the past 3 years ago. I want my life's purpose to be fulfilled. Through God I'll overcome this....He gave me a new heart. I truly have changed... my personality is different than before. I don't run around cursing, I don't hate, I...

"Heal my heart and make it clean"

~Haru-Megami — Thu, 23 Aug 2007 15:20:46 PDT

"Trust in the Lord with all thine heart, and lean not unto thine own understanding." Proverbs 3:5

I cried just now remembering... these are my last days being at my grandparents. After nearly 3 years, I'm going to live back with my dad and step mom and go to school again like a typical girl my age. I don't know why... but I almost feel scared. It's as if I'm going on a journey to a place I've never been, and (physically) I'm all alone. I don't have a close friend I can relate with and talk to about anything, I feel like I'm riding alone to some far away place. So I guess that struck me as sad. I've grown used to being here at my grandparents, and I'm the type of person who doesn't welcome change. (you can tell I don't like change since I always order the same things at restaurants /shot) Yeaah.

...
You guys honestly can't know how strange this is through my eyes.
I still can't believe it, what God is doing in my life. I feel like...as if I just got saved from nearly drowning to death. After that first breath of air when reaching the surface, leaving behind the sure feeling of death. That's the only way I can describe how I feel.
I'm anxious to see the things that will happen in the future. This is all so new to me..

I'm still believing for my family. That one day, I don't know when or how, but it'll happen, that my step mom will come to believe in the Lord. It's going to seem impossible on a lot of days, and it'll require a lot of persevering, but a fact I know that as I move back in with my parents my faith sure will be strengthened. XD;

I better get going, band practice...then band swimming party 9pm-12am!! w000 /shot
Last year I swam in my pants. XD I kept sinking o_x

And I said HEY, what a wonderful kinda DEY.

~Haru-Megami — Wed, 22 Aug 2007 15:22:05 PDT

"Trust in the Lord with all thine heart, and lean not unto thine own understanding." Proverbs 3:5

You know that kid show, Arthur, on KLRN?
D.W. said something that opened up the window that dawned light on the answer to life's tribulations: "What's the point if there's no 'big bad wolf'"?

It just stuck out to me. What if in Little Red Riding Hood there was no "big bad wolf" ? What's the point if the story were to be perfect with no wrongs, scares, or troubles? It'd be terribly boring to hear about the "all perfect life of Little Red Riding Hood." We read stories about characters who go through some sort of problem, and we find it interesting and exciting. But when a storm moves in our own life, we curse it and wish life could go our own way. We weren't created to suffer, but we learn through our sufferings a true appreciation for life after a storm passes. In other words for me, after going through an experience of battling cancer and losing nearly 3 years of my life teaches me the great value of how precious and wonderful life is. Through cancer I became grateful, and God taught me all this. I'm all the more thankful I'm feeling well and not sick!

In the beginning I cursed my situation, but if I never had cancer I would have never found my God and Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ. What started out as a cursing became a blessing. At the end of every problem is a promise from God. Pastor Matthew Hagee said, "God isn't going to heal you just to see you get sick again. What He begins to restore, He restores completely."

In Luke 17 Jesus healed 10 men who had leprosy. He told them, "'Go, show yourselves to the priests.' And as they went, they were cleansed." (v.14)
James 1:6-8 tells us, "But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does."

All 10 men walked by faith to show themselves to the priests as a testimony, knowing God had healed them on their way there. If any of those men stayed behind doubting, they wouldn't have been healed. The same applies to us, if we get sick with disease, we must believe and not doubt the Lord will heal us. Faith without works is dead (James 2:26), if you stay behind, you can expect nothing from God. We always must act on our faith, trusting God will do His part according to His will. (1 John 5:14) In the end I trust God, because God is in control. Whether or not I live or die, I know this for a fact: God takes our troubles and uses them for the benefit of others.

The Apostle Paul understood this, because He wrote to us,

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows. If we are distressed, it is for your comfort and salvation; if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces in you patient endurance of the same sufferings we suffer. And our hope for you is firm, because we know that just as you share in our sufferings, so also you share in our comfort." (2 Corinthians 1:3-7)

I have the choice to go back to school or stay home. If I stay home I can kiss the future God has planned for me goodbye as I stay sick and worry myself to death. But if I act on faith, believing God has healed me once and for all, not only will I be healed, but I'll draw closer to fulfilling the purpose God has ordained for me since the beginning. Sadly, only 1 out of 10 of those lepers who were healed c...

figured I'd make an update?

~Haru-Megami — Sat, 11 Aug 2007 10:29:15 PDT

"Trust in the Lord with all thine heart, and lean not unto thine own understanding." Proverbs 3:5

I've been at band camp everyweekday from 8:30-3:30 x_x in the sun for 2 hours marching. i got a marching spot (there are alternates) I was thinking before, me getting through marching in the sun and playing music IS a MIRACLE. Really, because there are a few people who sometimes even faint out in the heat D: We have water jugs and all that, but it gets pretty intense.
And despite all the chemo treatments, radiations, medications and junk I overcame my body is making it through all the training. God really has given me the strength I'm asking for. I don't know my body anymore, all the cancer stuff I went through changed it. Before cancer my body was strong and I never fainted out in the heat during practice, and thank God it's keeping that way. It's all very tiring through... after we come back inside and rehearse, then eat lunch, then rehearse again.. is about the time I wish I could "drop dead" (I want to SLEEEEP because my body gets all run down after all that!!) but I'm getting used to it

I have to renew HHK (site) soon, I'll do it for another 2 years I suppose. I don't know how often I'll keep on renewing it. I just find it a burden now. : x
I'm still wide eyed about living
Everytime I step out onto the marching field, I just can't believe it, you know?
Like I literally crossed over from death to life
I still ask God, "are you really letting me live and do all this?" it's too much to take in, and yeah, I still have that fear of cancer coming back and taking a hold on me. But even if it does happen, I'll hold out to the very end hoping for another miracle.

I got overwhelmed last night just thinking about it. I'm so excited. I've learned an innumerable amount of new discoveries. Gaining wisdom from God, understanding, learning from lessons and absorbing it in, it's like my daily bread or something
I learned more,; Without troubles, I'd never have learned to appreciate even the smallest things in life. And the smallest to me are actually the biggest and most important. Everything else.. everything will fade away. No wonder we're told by God to be content and satisfied with what we have. Jesus showed me truly, "Man does not live on bread alone but by every Word that comes from the mouth of God"

I look back on my old worldly system of thinking.. and gosh, how empty D: How did I live with myself back then? I couldn't, I wished to die everyday of my life!
None of what I'm saying would make any sense to you unless you're eyes are open too. It's like, I'm on the inside of the cavern and see its beauty, but others being on the outside don't know what it's like on the inside 'cause they came in! It may seem "spooky" by appearance, but beauty always lies on the inside :< does anyone know what I'm saying? I'm not saying by what I know I'm better than anyone else, I might as well be the least because after seeing what I know, if I don't share it I'd be a selfish fool :< Not only.. but if I set a rock in the cave and set others on the outside, what's the difference? They're still rocks. We're still people, we have our own spirit, what makes me better than anyone else since by nature we're all the same? If anyone desires their eyes to be open they should ask. If anyone wants discernment and wisdom that comes from the Lord, why don't they ask? I did, and man, if you don't come in this beautiful cavern, the sun will go down and it'll be too late. It's irony, you know?

Gosh... still ain't gonna go shopping for school clothes. I've been waiting for weeks. ._.; I'm REALLY bummed out about it, actually. I don't ever see my own dad, still. Gahh. My aunt was gonna take me today to the...

Back from CAMP :D

~Haru-Megami — Fri, 13 Jul 2007 11:59:02 PDT

"Trust in the Lord with all thine heart, and lean not unto thine own understanding." Proverbs 3:5

I LOVE GOD SOOOO MUCH. Jesus is SOO awesome!!! I love this joy, peace, MAN. There is no one like Him!!! ^^ Back from youthfire camp!!!! I took some pictures with my cell phone, they brought out this wooden cross and the pastor was asking us something like, "Will you let the cross fall? Will you let it be brought down?" then one guy ran to the other 2 ppl holding it up acting like they were gonna drop it, then they lifted it up together, then several other people came, then I came to the cross, then EVERYONE was pushing forward to touch/hold it up.

That's my finger on the bottom XD When we were moving it around, believe me, that crowd pressing together was so huge haha

I thought this looked cool : but it's at a bad angle

Pastor Warren!! LOL He isn't "partying" or anything, I just got a good picture of him when he was putting his arms down x)

Around the end of the worship and singing, they threw out 3 beach balls and everyone went crazy trying to hit one. I know I did xD

Apart from that, all these ppl got majorly sunburnt. I didn't, so I was thankful about that, BUT.......... because of my foolish pride and being overly self-confident over my health........... I got the shingles again. I had stopped taking my meds for it, and another med I should never stop taking was preventing me from getting a fungal infection. I don't have one thank the Lord, because if I did my doctor told me I could very well die. /shot
So yeah, pride, being sin, kills. For the wages of sin is death, it really is. it's better to have shingles than a fungus..infection x_X I just pray that they go away in time so I can go to band camp in august!!!

"Not title worthy"

~Haru-Megami — Fri, 22 Jun 2007 22:48:56 PDT

"Trust in the Lord with all thine heart, and lean not unto thine own understanding." Proverbs 3:5

Ever get those days when you feel SO left out?
I don't know what it is exactly, I guess I'm THAT different. I'm not into the things most people are into, I don't really want to be either because I'm dealing enough with the current things in my life. I'm not into the "this guy and that guy are hot lyk omgosh I so want him" (and unless you ever did hear me say that, I most likely am joking) I could care less about American Idol, or any other raging show on television. I have no clue what the "hottest -blank-"s are, (lyk omgosh) And no, I don't listen to Green Day or Shakira. As a matter of fact, the mega-lists of bands people claim to have listened to, half of them you can't even understand what they're saying. Most music is all the same now a days, plain and generic. :[
And by the way, did you read your daily horoscope? Piercings aren't my thing, but when you have like........5+ all around your body that's just strange. I didn't bother to watch Oprah or MTV either. For once in my life I decided to eat something nutritious, rather than McDonald's (as part of my usual dieting program.) I forgot to play my newest video game for 10 hours straight, and oh dear me I didn't update my website.

For the record, I was being sarcastic. haha
Am I so different? Am I so strange? How many times in the past before I truly came to know Christ, have I tried to master all these things in order to obtain more so called "friends" ? And even if I did, it doesn't change who I am inside very much, because I don't want to talk about those things 24/7. Not saying I aint into them AT ALL, I just don't live and breath it D: Even though I don't do those things normally, you can't label me as this "psycho fan addict Christian" because I don't come near to a true Jesus-freak person. Though I've been failing at it lately, I'm not going to stop persevering and persisting through this recent struggle.

Yeah, I don't have a best friend anymore to talk to or see everyday. That's why I look forward to school starting, maybe I'll find someone again. Even though I'm "in a room full of people" I don't have so-and-so to talk to. Most people don't relate with me, everyone else is so alike with each other in areas I'm not acquainted with, therefore I'm totally left out.

You might look at me and go, "Well stop complaining and look" I have looked. I haven't stopped either. Online I've met awesome people, but I haven't in real life (apart from the couple ones I already know, but because of all this junk going on, we barely see each other) But you know, apart from that, I'm totally fine. Maybe it's just my mood, maybe I just let it get to me again. Who wants to be alone? :[

What I am thankful for that I've realized, I asked God to shoot down my pride entirely, because I don't want to even be exalting myself within myself. I believe that's going on right now, and I also believe God's teaching me something else, but I can't quite put my finger on it. At least not until it's over, then I can look back and find it. God sees further than we do, even if our emotions/moods don't agree with it, PUSH forward anyway.

I still have countless rocks to climb over. First it's cancer, second it's everything else like: Driver's license, a car, a job, education, my own home, God willing all that and a Bible-believing boyfriend. :[ I HATE being dependent off my family. I strongly don't like it. I want to be free, my own money, my own car. I don't want to wait hand and foot for everyone else. I want to get up and go D:

SO m...

Flaxseed... tastes funky o__0

~Haru-Megami — Thu, 21 Jun 2007 21:15:59 PDT

"Trust in the Lord with all thine heart, and lean not unto thine own understanding." Proverbs 3:5

sooo with grandmother's dinero (money xD) i bought some flaxseed to boost up my health all the more. I strongly believe that with this faith, with the combination of the wonderful antioxidants (what we all SHOULD be eating) put here on earth by the LORD will help me to defeat cancer. Faith without works is dead, I can't sit here and whine expecting something to happen. Must believe and act on it! God gave instructions for people to do things, so this I feel will help me. :]

I'm anxious for the scan results :< I get the scan tomorrow, but I want to know the results now. And ewww my cereal got all soggy x( I mean... this is it, this will share as the next confirmation "sign" from God, (gah I hope LOL) if not I gotta keep my head up! It's getting harder though... I've been thinking lately how, if God weren't my helper, I'd be taking a leap of faith over a mountain trench that has no bridge x( I really feel like, I would have died if God never answered me back in Septmber :[[ I mean... gah, how do I explain this... the reason why I feel the way I do is because I'm entering the months I might have passed away, but because I believe I'm healed, there's a "bridge" and I'm safely crossing over. does anyone know what I mean? it's just a theory... it wont be true until I'm alive and well in the next 3 months : p
No, not until October 26. Because when it hits that date, it'll be officially 3 years since I've first went into the hospital. (Oct 24 will be when I turn 18)

You have nooo idea (unless you've been through something like this) how it feels to wonder/question if you're going to live or not ;~; I mean, it's like I'm lacking faith (no wonder since I haven't been reading my Bible everyday like in the past. I miss those days, they were so great) I need to get back to them, but I've been so 'out of it' lately :[

(btw this soggy cereal I'm so about to throw up xD)

I shouldn't even be worried at all, even if I did die, I'd be meeting my Creator xX which is super awesome and all, but, you only get one life and one chance on this world!!! ahhhhhhh which is what gets me. I still haven't even found my "one and only" :< I'm like, one of those kind of girls who actually want to (God/Church first!!), cook,clean,have children, have a job/education, bake cookies (
I sit here and cry out, "How much longer God?" Am I to question Him? Who am I, anyway? I know what I'm here for, so why do I lack faith? What are my words to you, especially if you don't even know God? So many people think they're "wise in their own eyes" but really they are fools-- Am I wise? Yeah right, I'm a fool. I have a long way to go, I wish I would have typed all this earlier.

Am I like Jonah? Am I "running a...

Back from Camp

~Haru-Megami — Thu, 14 Jun 2007 21:30:56 PDT

"Trust in the Lord with all thine heart, and lean not unto thine own understanding." Proverbs 3:5

I'm back from church camp, for the middle schoolers (I was one of the youth leaders)
It was a lot of fun, God willing I'll be doing it again next year

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately
I don't understand the things I do or how I do them, all I know is there's NO possible way I COULD do this myself without Jesus. I don't understand how i COULD forgive, say like my ex, in the past before I had God in me I know without a doubt I'd hold grudges and never forgive D; I don't know how... Jesus, I don't know Lord. Throughout the camp experience I knew beforehand I'd grow closer to God, and I did, but upon thinking of all the bad experiences in my life apart from God there's just no way I can comprehend how to get over what people did to me in the past and what they'll do in the future

If any of you believers out there ever thought over this, it hurts sometimes doesn't it? D: During the camp there were these self-claimed "Christians" (that weren't very Christlike, false-Christians) and those girls were so mean and what not D:

See, we had the camp members divided into 4 teams. I was on the Ninja Turtle team (we picked names) and for points I decided to dress like a cat. (I looked like some anime fangirl) but it was a whole lot of fun. I got some perm. marker and marked my arms with stripes, and put whiskers, a nose on my face and used a belt as a tail. You can imagine the guts it'd take to walk around like that, but there were a few other people dressing up all funky too. Anyway, the majority of the people said I looked really cute, (I'll post pictures when I get them) but there were a few mean girls there who were like, "Do you know you have a belt sticking out of your butt? *attitude tone*" Okay now at first I expected something like this, but then again I didn't because I was a leader, and this is SUPPOSED to be a CHRISTIAN camp. But you know, apparently these teens were just haters. I wanted to turn around and say, "You may not have the guts to do this, but unlike you I'm not like you and everyone else: Rude, cold and full of the devil!" Of course I didn't think of it on the spot since I'm slow (: p) but it's a good thing I didn't say it, after that I just ignored them. But it got to me. I was all happy walking back to the bunks (cabins) getting ready for the carnival we were going to have, and I heard a girl say, "You know you have a belt sticking out of your butt" and that ended up crushing my spirit.
You might think, "why?? they're just immature middle schoolers" True but, that wasn't the only thing I felt bothered by. My personality is really kid-like, but you could say "I act like a kid, but I have the understanding of a mature adult, and I know when to draw the line for myself" I blended in with the younger teens there, I told this one girl "it's written in my personality code to act all wacky/weird, it's just me" God created me like that, I can't help but pursue it. I felt down about it, because the guy I have a crush on probably sees me as immature, and it's no wonder my ex thought I was like his little sister.

I felt crushed and mad all together. But I was being reminded the "Forgive as God forgave you" verse, so I just went into the restroom and cried my heart out.
I heard the prophet Daniel was young in years, and prayed for his people even though they were wicked and did horrible things. I believe he really cared about them, and wanted God to forgive them even though they didn't ask it. I didn't think forgiving could be so hard, and though this was such a small thing for me, I don't want to think about how hard it'd be to forgive something a whole lot worse. I don't want them or anyone spiraling into to hell for eternity, because God told us not to judge and I certainly wouldn't want s...

What will people do..

~Haru-Megami — Wed, 06 Jun 2007 18:30:55 PDT

"Trust in the Lord with all thine heart, and lean not unto thine own understanding." Proverbs 3:5

I believe we all (or most of us) have our own treasures we cherish, and then may be bashed for whatever it is. You could be a "freak", a "geek", a "dork", a "loser." People will call you all sorts of Grade A-garbage but while they call you that, God calls you victorious.

There's a song called "Jesus Freak" and raises the question, "What will people do if they find that it's true?" What are you so into that people bash you over? Are you passionate about something or someone you love, and go through the pain of hate and ignorance people rain over you? I'm not going really through it, but I have had things in this life I was taunted for loving. Back in middle school I like any young teen was obsessed over anime, and all the other kids said "lame!" If you're into something that isn't "cool" by the world's standards, you're going to be hated just for that.

People strain much over the outside of the bowl, even though the inside is filthy dirty. It's better to look in than out, because judging by appearance shows how dirty we all can be. You'll never know what's behind the veil until it's removed, and what's surrounded in darkness always becomes exposed in the light.

Do you do the very same things they do? Jesus said, "Do to others as you would have them do to you." (Luke 6:31) You reap what you sow. Jacob deceived Isaac into getting his father's blessing that Esau was to receive, and when Jacob worked 7 years for Laban's daughter Rachel, Laban deceived Jacob by giving him his eldest daughter Leah instead. Paul persecuted Christians as a Jew then after he was changed by God he was being persecuted for Jesus' sake. David trusted God, and he defeated Goliath. Judas betrayed Jesus, then hung himself out of guilt. Jonah ran away from God, and only found himself fighting against God when he got stuck in a great fish! If you treat someone the any way you do, odds are you're going to get that same treatment.

When you work for good, expect to see good results. If it's bad, just the opposite. When you work and believe in God, rejoice when you see the awesome changes and freedom you receive in life.

People are waiting to clobber at you, and bring you down. You might fall down, but you can't stay down! GET UP. Lift up your head and raise your hands those who believe, and give thanks! Because your eyes are open, your ears can hear, your heart isn't hardened, and God's about to do something wonderful in your life. He's working in our lives right now. And as the signs of the end of the times approach and grow bigger as we approach the end of birth pains, we are told to rejoice, because our redemption draws near. It may not feel like God's constantly there, but He is, I pray that all believers have that experience like I and billions of others have. He takes the bad areas of our life ans mends them for our own good, for the benefit for not only ourselves but for others.
"I don't really care if they label me a "Jesus Freak" Because there's no hiding the truth. I'm not ashamed of the Messiah, I'm not ashamed of the great things He's done for me that no one else could have.. I am not ashamed that He helped me and answered me when I cried out in my distress, I'm not ashamed that He suffered for our sake to bring a light to us.

St. Paul had 3 ship wrecks but he didn't die. God had a plan for Paul, Paul had too much ministry left in him! Well though I'm fighting cancer and I've had 3 different treatments, God has a plan for me, and I have a lot of ministry left in me too. :3

Sickk D:

~Haru-Megami — Tue, 05 Jun 2007 04:13:01 PDT

"Trust in the Lord with all thine heart, and lean not unto thine own understanding." Proverbs 3:5

Gahhh laskd;saf

I've developed a cold/sinus infection
My younger cousins were sick, then my aunt got it, now I got it

I feel gross and tired right now, but the fever thing gets to me after awhile
I'm crawling back to my roots... I've been all proud and stupid lately, I developed some kinda battle in my mind. Just like.. too much confusion and analyzing, my brain is fried : p (not in the druggie way XD; ) Gah... I need to lament for three days, I really don't like it when I stray away like this. I don't get much done, I'm 'busy' but I accomplish nothing. That's what it's been like for me for months, years, I NEED to stop. D:

How I could wish I were strong like you! I now know what Paul meant when he went on saying things like this. I understand that now, except he had it to the full. No sinner can amount up to what he did, that's why I admire him. I'm a fool in Christ, but not a fool in the world. I am not wise, Who gave me insight and understanding anyway? Even the wisest person in the world always has more to learn. I am like dust, what good is dust? I don't even know how to speak out how I feel, what I need now is sleep Dx

I still don't understand what I'm supposed to learn from this, I feel like I'm in a trial right now. Maybe it's to shoot me down with the pride thing, I asked for it and all. I have to remember the things I was taught, but this is true: When you're in the dark, nothing is clear! Nothing can be seen, it's just utter confusion. To me this is like torture, I know I can bear it, but it makes me want to faint inside

I wrote in my diary something like a psalm, but I felt like... I shouldn't post it. At least not yet, didn't feel right. :/ Anyway I'll end up alright, even better, because I know that through all circumstances... being good or bad, God mends it for good in our best interest...

Make the sinus thing stopppp :< I'm a little more overwhelmed with the whole... well some junk in HHK. Gahh I don't know how I do it. How do I do it? it's God in me, because there's no way I can do anything alone xX

Grievance

~Haru-Megami — Thu, 24 May 2007 02:20:05 PDT

"Trust in the Lord with all thine heart, and lean not unto thine own understanding." Proverbs 3:5

I feel grieved
Over things that before I got to know God, truly, things I never felt grieved over. Actually, I welcomed these things before I felt in my spirit they were wrong.

One thing I'm particular grieved about

Fake Christians, teenagers who accept Christ but do not do what He says The love of God isn't in them, this type of people are what Isaiah (5:20) said, "Woe to those who call evil good and good evil, who put darkness for light and light for darkness, who put bitter for sweet and sweet for bitter" The things that are in the world and accepted by the world as "good" and "right" as "okay" the world may say, "You will not go to hell for this" But the Lord says otherwise

This must be how He feels
I ask for it all the time, you know, what believer would not want the heart and mind of Christ? We who are righteous Christians, who strive to learn and gain wisdom, and do what is right, are supposed to be growing like Christ everyday. And we are, but I noticed, others are left behind because of their ignorance and acceptance of what is wrong in truth

We label things and give names for disorders, diseases, if someone is "this" we diagnosed them as "that" and fail to see the meaning behind it. So plain! So colorless!
But gah, you guys might not understand what I mean as I go into this. I feel compelled to say it, so yeah.

Behind every wall and past every corner is a ravenous wolf, just waiting to attack and sick their teeth into those who do and say what is right. A fool hates discipline and correction, but a wiseman loves learning. I'll teach you the fear of the Lord, and maybe you will gain wisdom. If all you do and hear is what makes you feel good, you'll never grow up, you'll never learn what is right. You'll never mature, you'll just be another seed that never produces good fruit.

Without trouble and labor, how can we learn? You could explain wisdom to someone who lacks it, but how will they understand in their heart? No, it must be gained by experience. In this world the number of the lost has greatly increased, and even those who think they are found are still lost in the darkest part of the woods. People are misled by what they see and hear, the foolishness of today's day and age is unfathomable, everything is twisted and distorted, just as the devil has been doing since the beginning. Everything, sex is twisted into great immorality and even being encouraged, homosexuality is accepted as "normal", oh no, we don't want our feelings to get hurt by what is wrong. "Let us continue in what feels good for us!" Wickedness crawls creeping at your door, "Stolen food eaten in secret is delicious! Let's experiment, there is no harm in sensation and learning" They are drawn by their bodily desires, woe to the world and all who accept this as "righteous"! One thing I cannot understand is how God handles it, but I know He is grieved greatly by the increased wickedness. The corruption of this world, I could wish for the Lord to get revenge now! It feels almost unbearable, how much longer?

I'm driven out of love and not by hate, because if I had no love I'd be robbed of all else I have. Just a little longer, prophecy is being fulfilled every moment, even those who are Godhaters fulfill it themselves, in truth they are contributing to what they hate and refuse to acknowledge. But in the end all is meaningless when the wicked are rebuked and sent into punishment. For God takes no pleasure in the death of anyone, He commands, "Repent and live!" (Ezekiel 18:32) Each man follows his own ways and agrees with one another what to them is "right." They go about...

Words #8... Trust

~Haru-Megami — Wed, 16 May 2007 00:10:02 PDT

"Trust in the Lord with all thine heart, and lean not unto thine own understanding." Proverbs 3:5

I miss doing the "Word" thing.

I am not at all discouraged by this, but I noticed something and ended up asking my nurse (who is a doctor, too) Well I was thinking, "there's something to this 6 months to live thing when doctors say it..." My doctor didn't really tell me how long I would live, but my nurse told me cancer can be slow. But by saying that, it sounds sort of stupid.

I'm noting again that my xray showed everything is stable, nothing spread but nothing is gone.

But something is going on right now, and it's a symptom.
I'm getting this itchiness, my skin can't be dry 'cause I've been putting Vaseline and lotion on it. I get it on my throat under my chin o_0 And the other night I got this redness on my chest. These were the symptoms I had in the beginning of having cancer, Hodgkin's Lymphoma..and this was like, the 2nd stage of the cancer:

My feet and hands would get this itching, burning sensation that was SOO ANNOYING that I'd scratch like mad and felt so uncomfortable.
- I would get tired easily (fatigue) and it was a sort of ... strange kind of tired apart from being a normal tired o_0
- I had night sweats
- And of course, my neck lymphnodes were swollen

Plus they said I had a tumor in my chest, but I didn't feel it. But... in an emotional sense, I felt something there I could describe as dark and in some sort of branch of demonic activity o__0 I did believe in Jesus then, but I didn't /know/ Him. I was like a Sunday Christian who didn't know what repenting was. But anyway... I can't forget that feeling. It was so empty, it hurt so bad, the depression I had just piled more up because of the break up with my first b/f and my step mom was always giving me some sort of problems. I was unhappy, and somehow that feeling inside my chest turned into a tumor.

But now, ever since I found God and He by grace put His Spirit in me, that feeling in the middle of my chest was replace by the Spirit. No kidding ._. I haven't felt "darkness" (I don't know how else to describe it x_X ) since.

I realized something though
I'm going to expect that tomorrow, that in whatever part of the future, those lymphnodes in my neck will be entirely gone. I'm going to expect that that itching will stop, and I'm expecting to be alive and well in the next 3 months.
I tell you the truth, if I am perfectly fine and still stable by then, I am totally convinced.
But even if not, I'll still be praying for that miracle.
Who created the doctor? Who is the One who gives life?
Put all your trust in God, and He'll lift you up in due time.

For a few weeks now I've been feeling it. I'm going to live.
I thought, WOW. x__o The thought of being alive, this is what a miracle must feel like.
I mean, I know I'll be living in eternity with God. But when I think of life here on this temporary home called earth, I'm like... BUMMER. LOL. Compared to going back Home!
Just playing though.

;~; Before I found God, truly, I remember feeling such overbearing anguish! >< I was saying with antagonizing pain, "I want to go HOME ;_;" But I didn't mean home like, my grandparents house, or at my dad's in my room, nor my mom's, I didn't know WHAT I meant. ._. I just felt like I didn't belong here, this place was so strange, just foreign to me.. I found in the Bible it says in 2 Corinthians 5:1-8 (NIV)..:

"Now we know that if the earthly tent we live in is destroyed, we have a building from God, an eternal house in heaven, not built by human hands. Meanwhile we groan, longing to be clothed with ou...

:(

~Haru-Megami — Mon, 14 May 2007 15:09:31 PDT

"Trust in the Lord with all thine heart, and lean not unto thine own understanding." Proverbs 3:5

I think I'd go crazy one day if I don't find someone to love and serve (apart from God) soon x__X Well I wouldn't go crazy, but it'd get all the more lonely. I know in truth that, when I am back in school and (never to be pulled out again from ANY disease!) I'd find someone, or he'd find me. I guess until I find someone to love again (and this time hoping til death do us part..:[ ) I'll be making my cookies for my section in band! XD
Though this might sound weird to people, it's not to me at all, I'm so eager to serve! :< When I get back in school I'm so taking culinary arts for two years, and of course classes that have to do with home-stuff. <3 I suppose I'm like that sort of girl who wants to be all motherly like, I feel like it's what I gotta do. ;.;

I've been reading a wonderful book by Rick Warren called, "The Purpose Driven Life." It's a GREAT book I recommend to ANYONE who is trying to figure out say "Who they are; the purpose of life; what "my purpose is". Here's a little something out of it...:

"Contrary to what many popular books, movies, and seminars tell you, you wont discover your life's meaning by looking within yourself. You've probably tried that already. You didn't create yourself, so there is no way you can tell yourself what you were created for! If I handed you an invention you had never seen before, you wouldn't know its purpose, and the invention itself wouldn't be able to tell you either. Only the creator or the owner's manual could reveal its purpose." ... "You are not an accident. Your birth was no mistake or mishap, and your life is no fluke of nature. Your parents may not have planned you, but God did. He was not at all surprised by your birth. In fact, He expected it. Long before you were conceived by your parents, you were conceived in the mind of God. He thought of you first. It is not fate, not chance, nor luck, nor coincidence that you are breathing at this very moment. You are alive because God wanted to create you! The Bible says, "The LORD will fulfill His purpose for me." God prescribed every single detail of your body. He deliberately chose your race, the color of your skin, your hair, and every other feature. He custom-made your body just the way He wanted it. He also determined the natural talents you would possess and the uniqueness of your personality. The Bible says, "You know me inside and out, you know every bone in my body; You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit, how I was sculpted from nothing into something. (The MSG)""

There's a lot of good stuff in there. ^^

Apart from that, I've been feeling anguish lately. I'm faint with love in the non-happy way? This is how I feel: I want to be with someone, & I want to be with my friends like at the mall or something. Not to mention I can't wait until my hair is longer (I have super short curly hair because of the past chemo treatments..and I just miss my long'ish hair :[ ) and My bike tires are all flat and I think one of them has a hole in it and I ..sort of broke the pump for it out of my lack of pumper-knowledge. : p I mean maybe bike riding would help my spirit out some, I just feel a little brokenhearted inside.
Should I say more in a deeper sense?

A man of God, who can find? He's wise beyond his years, with a heart of the purest gold. He is far more worth than diamonds, with the looks of a prince. His hands are as skilled as a professional crafter, his word anyone can put their trust in. He's courageous and strong like a lion, his discernment no one can fathom. Love and honesty are his greatest qualities, and his kindness pours like a waterfall. He is a father that has no thought of abando...

^^

~Haru-Megami — Wed, 09 May 2007 01:14:28 PDT

"Trust in the Lord with all thine heart, and lean not unto thine own understanding." Proverbs 3:5

I got an xray done back on Monday....and the results were that, compared to the last one, nothing's changed AT ALL. Nothing has spread, and nothing has grown! THIS IS AWESOME NEWS. :] I've been feeling inside that my God healed me, and my grandmother's been feeling the same way, blessed are those who are all praying for me... ^^ I feel good things will come.
I just need to not be double minded.. I can't think death and life, I need to think life all the way. @.@

Habakkuk 2:2-3 Then the LORD replied:
"Write down the revelation
and make it plain on tablets
so that a herald may run with it.

3 For the revelation awaits an appointed time;
it speaks of the end
and will not prove false.
Though it linger, wait for it;
it will certainly come and will not delay.

This may be prophetic, but I'm going to live. <3 I got a bunch of stuff to do here, I'M STILL BUSY. XD

Psalm 119, <3

~Haru-Megami — Thu, 03 May 2007 16:19:07 PDT

"Trust in the Lord with all thine heart, and lean not unto thine own understanding." Proverbs 3:5

I liked mainly these 3 verses from Psalm 119:

Psalm 119:50
"My comfort in my suffering is this: Your promise preserves my life."
Psalm 119:147
"I rise before dawn and cry for help; I have put my hope in Your word."
Psalm 119:154
"Defend my cause and redeem me; preserve my life according to your promise."

I just noticed I only picked three from there. /shot
I didn't do that on purpose, either. @.@ anyway..
I will not doubt, I will not be double-minded, I don't believe I have any unconfessed sin, and I will believe what I have asked in prayer. I've been wanting a miracle since cancer, but I didn't understand anything. I wanted it out of selfishness, I went about being all 'woe is me, where is my miracle?" I got envious in the past of people who got one, but now I feel that I've got what answers I need. But in the end all of these things rely on His will, so yea. LOL If I stood there getting a taste of heaven, like all people who have been blessed to experienced this... I wouldn't want to come back over here! XD

I'm not scared of dying, i used to think about it all the time, and then like..all slow death is is just a bunch of pains and aches, then death IMO must be like a quick pinch. Maybe. I dunno. I never died physically before. I've felt so much pain inside before, apart from emotion pain but I mean physical. I came to the conclusion, pain is pain, we get it according to the scale we might be able to tolerate it with. I tell you the truth.. if I didn't have Jesus, I'd have no hope, and I'd be freaking out and in total despair right now. I KNOW it, before I really came to know God, while I had cancer I was PLANNING to be all dramatic about it purposely, regardless of how sad it'd be. In real life I was gonna do it and online. But I dun wanna now, I see how stupid it is. @_@;

Be content with everything you got, give thanks to God for all things good or bad, shake off all the troubles of your heart for worry is meaningless. You don't know if your plans will go your way each day, therefore say "if it is God's will," because the Lord says, "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways." I wish I came to know Him sooner, I would have spared myself and others a whole lot of pain in the past.

I want to drink some Big Red. BUT WE DON'T HAVE ANY.

Strength will rise...

~Haru-Megami — Sun, 29 Apr 2007 21:44:22 PDT

"Trust in the Lord with all thine heart, and lean not unto thine own understanding." Proverbs 3:5

I KNEW it, praise the Lord, I kept believing that Sunday would be an awesome day

I got baptized
I loved today :< My aunt and my uncle and my 2 little cousins, went to my church along with my other aunt and uncle and 2 older cousins *shot* I just noticed that comparison. XD;

Then we went out to eat at a place called Tom's Ribs together ;.; This was first time we ever done this together ;o; And then later on in the day I went in a class before becoming baptized, and then I got it done (that water felt so warm it honestly felt like spiritual water, it just felt so different and comforting! ) And then to my GREAT surprise... my DAD was there ;_; I cried after I came out from being baptized and saw my dad there next to my aunt on my mom's side, not even she EVER thought my dad would ever go to church :< It was such a great experience... and I got to ask my uncle Luey who is a Cell Leader in our church, (he baptized me) about speaking in tongues because he does it, and I also asked this lady named Maricela who's my aunt's good friend about speaking in it... and the info was great @_@ Then this book my uncle bought for me concerning speaking in known tongues (which are languages we know) and the unknown tongues, and ahhhhh s;dlfj;dsj;jdsf
I'm just all totally in the Spirit
I feel like running around shouting for joy

I don't want to admit it but like... how much I wish people here understood all of this... just coming back to all the worldly junk.. I'm a total stranger to it! I feel naturally by the Spirit how against I am to it... like... I don't intend to offend people by saying this, but SO many people are missing out on THEE choice you can ever make... I've heard all these testimonies, & it's so burdening to hear any worldly person (not nature, dur ) like I once was to be all "blah blah blah.. worldly facts this.. rules/things of men, that!"

Even now as I type this
How meaningless it is and feels for me to even say this
Because "a man with experience is not at the mercy of a man with an argument" it's just common sense! Obviously say, a professional basketball player is not going to get advice from some rookie. It makes no sense, a student is not greater than their teacher.

anyway... I LOVED today.. when I saw my dad at a distance in the church, I thought, "Who is that waiving at me? @__@" (I was looking for where my aunt and cousins were sitting at) and that feeling when I realized it was my dad... that must be what it feels like for a miracle. I just couldn't believe it..

Now I feel assured to say.. I have a feeling I have a lot of years... both hardworking and peaceful, sad and happy, joyful and mourning.. days ahead of me @_@ I was like, "oh whoopie" LOL. It really IS up to me... so long as in my heart I do not doubt, anything can happen... I remember asking God, "Where is my miracle?" in the past during this cancer, and now He's shown me what I needed to do to get it. "Build your foundation on this Rock!" :>

WELL I'M GOING TO BED NOW!!! If I did die, like I've said from the beginning of this... I win both ways!

and um..
please pray for my mom ; ; ' She went to the Fiesta Parade we had here by bus and bought some devil horns and a pitch fork wand. Xx' I'm totally convinced.. it's diagnosed as a mental illness, but my mom has been influenced by demonic influences and I REALLY feel she has a demon. >< I'm not kidding! You skeptics keep out of this, because I know it, it IS real, believe it or not. She purposely strays away from me, because I throw the Word of God at her. She raises her voice speaking like.. d...

Back!

~Haru-Megami — Tue, 24 Apr 2007 07:27:53 PDT

"Trust in the Lord with all thine heart, and lean not unto thine own understanding." Proverbs 3:5

I went to Disney, from being there made me how how gracious God has been for me to have this made possible. I had wanted to change my wish to something else, (that didn't concern the family) but I believe in was indeed His will that my family go to it; My little sister had the time of her life, and that makes me happy.

We had this special pass, it's like a fast past, except the workers at the beginning of the show or ride would right away assitance you to the front so you don't have to wait other than for the show or for the ride to come up. My step mom noticed how people made looks like, "who do they think they are?" like as if we paid for it. But you can't pay for that special assistance, it's only for kids who went through a life threatening experience or are going through one. It was awesome!

I GOT A PICTURE WITH MY ALADDIN. !!! I LOVE ALADDIN. MINE.
Disney turned super girly! There are less villain stuff, and no Aladdin dolls anymore since 2004 :[ oh well. /shot

The only one we didn't go to see or make the effort to see was Mickey. xD
This trip made me all the more in love with the Lord. I love all this! I'd be so lost with Him :[ but anyway! I'm back, I believe, and this weekend is fiesta weekend so woo.

My cancer symptoms are really light, or not really there at all right now. Thank God, my prayer was answered. I ended up sitting with a Christian on our last airflight, I had said I didn't want to sit with my little sister (she was bugging me somewhat the first flight) and it made me feel bad, but it turned out for the best because it was awesome talking to that lady. She told me about her niece who is TEN years old, and has problems with her heart and lungs and this little girl is deeply in the Word of God. That she's faced death a bunch of times because of her condition, but her faith is SO strong. I was in awe, a 10 year old! x_x I had never thought a 10 year old would be able to possess so much faith and understanding in God. That's a miracle in itself, and her situation from what that lady (her name was Ann) told me.

It gives me all the more hope, if it's the Lord's will, I'll be with Him soon! if not... I'm stuck here in this world. /shot
Either way, I win! <3

I also worked on my D-B layout on the trip, so I'm about to put it together! FINALLY. It features...me! (surprise surprise) and a dear friend..Her name begins with an R, guess who? xD

:3

I never ever want to be rich

~Haru-Megami — Tue, 17 Apr 2007 16:55:39 PDT

"Trust in the Lord with all thine heart, and lean not unto thine own understanding." Proverbs 3:5

I have to admit
though it's really nice, I appreciate what everyone is doing... and I must also admit the beach in one morning was real fun, but to do something like this everyday is tiring! I thought like, I am not the type of person to go be going out everyyydayyy doing what anybody would wish to do... and the truth in it all is, I get this treatment because I have cancer

I'm over my emotional sickness, I'm so happy to be free from it, I'm still fighting off any sort of negative thought in the poor moods I might be in, and I noticed the strifes between the sinful nature and the nature of the Spirit
It's just like it's written, I can seriously feel in that law of that sinful nature that I am a prisoner to it, to thanks be to Christ that He'll free me from it ;~; I really don't like it

I'm still learning a lot over this
And even when I might feel attacked or in some way persecuted, it's for the good of myself, so I'll be shown how stupid and proud I can be. It's shameful and I force my sinful part of me, that is my flesh, to humble itself with my spirit and do the things I now want to do
But I find it's not so easy to overcome
To overcome this that quick is to enter a race in the Olympics without training and expect to win. No, not even in the world would things could come that easy
At least my God is so gracious enough to give me peace and rest from the labor of this work
I don't feel forced, I know well that I am not, because love is not forceful
But the strong desire I have inside this heart drives me into pleasing the One who called me for this

My mom has driven herself to that bipolar and depressive state, to see her act like a psychopath grieves me! ;_; She doesn't know then news about my health yet, if she finds out we all fear she'd do something like suicide
But I had this dream that I was in my mom's house (my grandma's house, really) and I remember being inside her room and was trying to drive out this evil spirit
And I don't remember how many times I repeated the Lord's Name, but it was well around 7-12, then it finally left my mom and she was well again
She believes in Jesus but she's taken over by that old hairy loser the devil
I want that dream to come true so badly

I read and learned that fasting is a way to build up spiritual power, as Jesus set that example when He was fasting for 40 days and nights, and Satan tried getting Him to turn the stones into bread. He knew that if Jesus broke that fast, He would lose power to heal and perform those miracles
There are three kinds of fasting: a normal fast, an absolute fast, and a partial fast. Normal is fasting for a certain amount of time, absolute is without food and water, partial is to do without rich foods or desserts

You don't know how much I wish I could do a fast
But to do one in my lack of health would be real stupid
Anyway... I don't have time to get all into that, to be honest I'm still reading on it and then yea, there are (duh) examples of each fast in the Bible

But anyway
My aunt will be here, to let everyone know I'm going to Disney World tomorrow thanks to the Marty Lyons foundation (it's a 2nd wish organization) so IF they got wireless connection there free where ever we're staying, I'll try to get online at nights in the hotel

God bless.. :3

's;dakdf

~Haru-Megami — Thu, 12 Apr 2007 10:33:56 PDT

"Trust in the Lord with all thine heart, and lean not unto thine own understanding." Proverbs 3:5

I didn't know what to make the title of this journal... x3;
I've been drawing my layout for my other site, i must say I'm thankful I got some of my creativity back because I haven't done this for awhile...so I prayed about it :3
I just need to finish it is all..

But I love this laptop screen, compared to my grandpa's ugly widescreen comp : p you just can't make decent art off it! ;~; it makes it all stretched out and blurry..
I dunno what we're doing today... I thought it was funny how Aaron ended up contacting me, I was thinking about him the other day and thought, "Aaron only talks to be during xmas..." LOL. But he called and invited me to his church for this special concert, and this man with a testimony with non-hodgkin's disease, (I just have Hodgkin's) because he survived it etc. Gahh last night, I took Ambien for the first time for anxiety, and it made me like.. drunk. xD : p don't get me wrong I know what I was doing. haha

I'm getting death sick >( Dying doesn't mean anything to me anymore, thanks to God ;~; I just want to kick myself in the past for wanting to die all because of my first ex, you live and you learn, I guess. I wasn't smart enough to take anyones advice. I dunno what makes me think anyone will listen to me @_@ wow new life lesson. /shot
I'll do it anyway, can't say I didn't try! XD;

anyway... daddy got me a Barlow Girl CD. <3 (She's like..the God-version of Evanescence. She pwnz) so I'm putting it on my ipod. Wee.
Peace out, God bless : D

@o@

~Haru-Megami — Wed, 11 Apr 2007 19:56:31 PDT

"Trust in the Lord with all thine heart, and lean not unto thine own understanding." Proverbs 3:5

I feel all
Medicine
drunk
Ambien (I was having a little anxiety lately for the past several days)
this stuff is like benedryl
gah

anyway

We saw TMNT ^^ It was actually real good, I like it a lot. XD After that my dad took me to to the Christian Life Way store, and this other Christian Giftsoutlet, and ahhhhh
<3
I gotta little sheepyyy!! she's so soft. And I got my necklace with the star of David and the cross in the middle ;.; I also got a shirt. :] "Someday my prince will come" <3

jdflsjlg im so happy ish ;.; I get to see Aaron Sunday, he invited me to a concert at his Church, and there's this man there with a testimony on surviving the cancer he had, so yeah. Then afterward some spaghetti dinner thing...which will be fun...since Aaron says he'll introduce me to these people. (yay new friends!) He said one girl has like the same personality I possess XD; this will be fun! I don't feel alone anymore..I feel wanted :< Being alone in your room for years without people, barely going out, i feel like I'm free and at the same time I feel like crying. I was suffering some sort of syndrome... that has to do with not being wanted, alone, parents not around.. meh
but now things are getting better.. I could see myself go peacefully from here on XD;

well i should sleep
I'm all sedated/dizzy
The letters i type when i look at all of this as a whole..reminds me of a bunch of grocery aisles x_X
God bless, you pplz :]

<3

~Haru-Megami — Wed, 11 Apr 2007 03:09:23 PDT

"Trust in the Lord with all thine heart, and lean not unto thine own understanding." Proverbs 3:5

I shouldn't be up so late. XD; I am SO happy. My family is starting to come more together, my prayers have been answered ;~; I've been reading the psalms a lot lately, and ahh I love these. <3 Especially Psalm 23 and 34 ;.; One prayer I do regret...well it wasn't really prayer.. more like just conversation..well I got what I said wanted : p I regret it. LOL
I knew it wasn't really a good thing to look forward to. I already KNEW it, but I was so filled with the Spirit I felt like all..good/happy/powerful ish
I know when I'm being foolish to myself
You reap what you sow, right? I definitely know it
And I accept entirely the consequences of what I've sown entirely. Evil deeds should never go unpunished or uncorrected, rather
I'm so grateful. I'd shout for joy right now but my family is sleeping. XD; so I'll just sing songs of praise. There's one last goal I must complete, though.
I poke at myself for being like a person who starts things, but can't or barely or nearrlyy finishes it. I mean like all of us end up doing that every now and then, we get bored of it or lose enthusiasm

My aunt wants to take me to Church Sunday, she told me that.."I always thought God was using you to talk to me, because you know for years I've put off God and just never looked to Him" :< I'm just...so thankful, even my step mom is coming to understanding
I'm so glad, whether I survive this or not, the peace brought by Jesus given to me by grace will also be given to them if they seek it. And if the only way for them to find it, is for me to die of cancer, then let it be done. If this was my purpose, if these were "the amount of talents" given to me, I've used them as best as I could

So I'm going to fulfill that final dream I had with the stupid elevator (I'd have dreams of being in an elevator : p) where I'd walk in the elevator with full satisfaction, and in like most of my elevator related dreams, it would break and begin to fall. So with the full knowledge of knowing that the elevator would break once I reached the mark of destination, I stepped into it with full satisfaction and confidence, and once it would break and begin to fall, I'd hold on the rail with my hands, being the Word of God, and then I would ascend up as everything was crashing down. I'll never forget that dream.

It was an awesome sensation too when everything was falling in reality, but I was being lifted up at the same time, so I'm in awe with that by God's grace, and I hope everyone will find that peace and inner joy. Because when I didn't have it, I never felt such an experience... I am my Beloved's, and my Beloved is mine ;.;

I proved my old diary entries wrong, Prayers aren't wishes, because wishes alone are powerless, I have been answered throughout my life and I feel so happy.. that I realized and came to know all this. I had written 3-4 years ago, "Prayers are like wishes, they never come true" and it really is a lie. I have to admit, I had a tear come down from my eye when I read what I wrote in the past. I was so lost back then, I was SO depressive/pessimistic. I'm so happy now...I also wrote in that diary "I WILL be happy one day, I will" (I also put "F*** you Satan" in front of that one line.. xX /shot) and oh gosh.. ;_; it just freaks me out because God made it possible for me.."His love endures forever," it is by grace that which we are saved..

OH.
WE GO TO THE MOVIE THEATRE 2MORRA N WE GUNNA C TMNT zomgoshhzz l;ksdf;djas;fj;dasj Lawl. ;]

Ok..

~Haru-Megami — Wed, 04 Apr 2007 15:33:52 PDT

"Trust in the Lord with all thine heart, and lean not unto thine own understanding." Proverbs 3:5

I know what I'm going to do now
And I'm going to say this from my Godly-point-of-view
People get healed from out of no where when they're told "You have only *blah* months to live" (No, no one has told me that. Hopefully they wont : p) Then there are people who end up dying
I'm trying to learn something new here and figure things out
Because I think dying would only hurt for a bit... meh, I wouldn't know how it feels. I've been asleep but awake before, it was so weird, I couldn't move or anything, but I could see my room perfectly in any direction I looked. I don't want to die, to you this may sound 'crazy' but this is my test of faith for myself with how strong I can be, even though this body drives me crazy in the inside (depression causes cancer!!! /shot)
I don't know what God's will is for me, I got so much junk going on in my life I don't know where to turn but Him. Maybe He wants me back Home, then again maybe IT'S ALL A TRICK FROM THE EVIL ONE ;LAEK;ASJF lol I wouldn't know! But I'm confident on this: If I end up.. barely dying.. or something.. I'll ask Jesus to send me back to prove to my doctor HE'S CRAZY AND WRONG. >D Yea this is part of my twisted online personality : p No but really
I want to prove Him, if it's His will
I may sound foolish! But sheesh, my life is up and down, it isn't down 100%, it'll get better, it will
I believe when people don't get healed it can be lack of faith. Or it can be a way of God getting others to open up their eyes. Or it can be to pull that person away because they'd screw up in the future over something huge, there's a lot of explanations

All I know is... I'm not ready to leave yet
(as much as I want to, MY BODY IS KILLING ME. >( I'm tired of emotions and depression)
And honestly
It doesn't feel like I'm going to really die
I REALLY feel like, I'm at a fork in the road. I got two paths to choose from, one is life the other is death. If I let my negative thoughts get to me, I'll just be pulled down further, but if I overcome them by faith and trust in God.. maybe I will get through this

I've been fighting these negative thoughts ever since 8th grade
Now this is the fight of fights in the battle with myself (sounds dumb) I guess my mind must be deadly, I always felt like I created all this for myself with the constant thoughts of dying >< Now that I'm really gointg to face death, I've learned even more:
How much I want people to be saved, that how pain really does build up patience, that I really love everyone deep down, that I seriously should learn how to shut my mind up when it comes to judging people (I don't intend to :[) and that... since I prayed the prayer for tests that only I can handle, I'm SURPRISED I can handle something like this o_o; My reason for changing back in Sept 06' isn't only so I could be truly saved, but I seriously feel there's more to it, and I'm going to keep pressing on to gain that no matter what it takes. Even if I have a stubborn cancer that likes to come back. This just tells me the only way I'm going to be cured is through God. I'm not afraid, even if I lose, I said along time ago "Live or die, I win either way" I just like... I learned too much to have it end like this... (plus I want my hair to be longer again!!!)
I'm throwing my burden in God's hands for real this time.

Plus, I love everyone off HHK and I love my site, who is there to trust that will take care of it if I'm gone?? I WANT it up, I told people it'd be up, so it will... :[

I tend to feel crappy every now and then
But I'm just.. so close.. so close to going back to school and band. I'm not going to lose ><

"Praise the Lord, O my soul; and forget not all his benefits - who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit and crowns yo...

;~;

~Haru-Megami — Wed, 04 Apr 2007 03:02:39 PDT

"Trust in the Lord with all thine heart, and lean not unto thine own understanding." Proverbs 3:5

I just wanted to say
How much I love everyone
Even the people who I think are stupid... <|
I love you all so much

I think I may be going Home ; ; (as if it were a bad thing /sarcasm)
Apparently I'm loved so much >o
man
I didn't even get to drive and get speeding tickets yet
nor did i get the chance to experience true stress!
I REALLY WISH THEY LET ME GO TO DISNEY WORLD LAST YEAR WITH THE BAND. I also wish my dad would have let me go to the prom with my boyfriend at the time!
I told myself I'd hang on to the very last seconds no matter what
Everyone else might be a coward going through this, and yeah now I admit I'm starting to get freaked out, but I don't want to be afraid
This is the role I've been waiting to play (not to die, it's hard to explain) I've been so fortunate and extremely blessed despite all the pain/hardships

I really.. really hope that it's nothing, but everyone made a big deal about it, and I have like this real strong mind-body connection ;~; It's no wonder I've been feeling this way, I know this feeling...
I said I'd die laughing because of my weirdo-hyper personality, but now I don't even know how to talk with people. I feel like an idiot

Haha.. if it's all true, .. I GET TO MEET JESUS BEFORE YOU ALL. (/shot) But I want to say that

If you got your health and you get abused, you are so lucky
If you got your health and everyone in the world hates you, you are so lucky
If you got your health and your parents want you to die, you are so lucky
If you got your health but are disabled/handicapped and everyone hates you you are so lucky
If you got your health and you've been through a disease, survived, been sexually abused, raped, you are so lucky
If you got your health and you have no family and are poor, you are so lucky
If you got your health and have all these other medical problems that can't really kill you and everything in the world sucks, you are so lucky

and if you don't have much health, have a family who loves you, have friends who are by your side, a bf/gf who loves you, you are so fortunate

I'd rather be all those things then have this. So long as I had my will to live and my God, I'd be so fortunate

But despite all the things I've gone through
I'm still standing my ground and believing, I just wish everyone would know how blessed they truly are, even though we all complain about things but never take to heart on the things we do have. Instead we want the things we don't have and end up growing bitter and spoiled

I've learned so much in 2 years. Now I just gotta figure out how I'm going to explain my plans for a food fight to God and how I was going to joke sitting in His chair. /shot (I just laughed at that haha)

He loves me. I feel happy. xD
OH MY GOSH I GET TO MEET MOSES KING DAVID AND PAUL AND THEM OTHER PPL
At least I got to march one band show... Those days were the best :< If I survive this I'm going to kick people who complain about THEIR life. >O

I'll post again in a day or two. It's just because of my recent symptoms everyone's all worrying, and tomorrow I get my scans, I don't know if I'll get the results that day or the next.
One thing I do get to look forward to if I get a biopsy (surgery thingy) ... SLEEP DRUGS!!

I really hope I'm going to feel retarded if they tell me I'm miraculously fine......If I get by this week, I'll live for sure

D: I love my HHK people ;~;

"Does not wisdom call out?"

~Haru-Megami — Thu, 29 Mar 2007 22:30:30 PDT

"Trust in the Lord with all thine heart, and lean not unto thine own understanding." Proverbs 3:5

"...does not understanding raise her voice?" Prov. 8:1

Do you ever feel like a total outcast?
Or it doesn't even have to be a different place, anywhere really

Aren't there any people on here go beyond basic understanding?
I think over a lot of things over and over until I come up with an answer I feel is right
Sometimes it requires taking that step into "testing" to see what that answer could bring
I can't say I regret things in the past, because experiences make you what you are today

Isn't it a sad thing, though?
Everyone has their own mind and thoughts, in everyone's own mind they are slaves to their thinking. Some leaves share the same branch they grow on, others either reside on the bottom left or right, or the top right or left; No one shares the exact same location.

Is there even a such thing as "We are 'twins'" ?
As you get older in your mind, and experience things quicker than others - you find yourself what you'd describe as "ahead of the game"
Once you pass up the first lap during the race, what is the point of turning back and falling behind with others? What will it result it? Destruction; Failure

So if one person is ahead others, trying to catch up with the other set of people in front of them, you find fewer in the front leading to "victory"

Isn't it a lonely race?

Everyone is so busy running the race, no one has time to "stop" and gain understanding. Who stops during a race, anyway? We're all so ignorant, all of us, so busy concentrating on the finish line! Others stand aside and grow lazy, how much do these such people care?

Rarely anyone stops to help someone in need if they fall to the ground. They just keep on going their way without compassion or thought! "Just keep running to the finish line!"

Isn't it tiring? Is not a tired person irritable and only wants rest for themselves?
So if I were aggrivated or moody, how can I control it if it's just like being tired/stressed? I hate being grouchy. It is like "teasing a giant"

I don't enjoy making mistakes. But I love correction.

How can the hare say to the tortoise, "watch out for the rocks up ahead, they'll cause you to fall!"
When the tortoise has already won the race? His wisdom of patience and endurance proves stronger than strength.
The hare is proud; It will only reap destruction and result in failure in its laziness. So sleep, let what is evil keep you comfortable in the arms of wickedness!

/sigh
Even though that story reflects something sort of different from what I was originally saying.
anyway... to sum this all up into "English," I'm just feeling lonely.
Lonely IRL. (in real life)

Okay, online too.

It's nice to have someone to talk to with a deeper sense.
Do I seem like a philosopher to anyone here? xX I'm told that by one friend, he makes it sound all negative.

Just gonna keep the treasure hidden... because if I told anyone where it was, they'd break in and steal it. Leaving me all the more broken.

And yea, all of those metaphors make sense. Not to any of you I doubt, but to me of course they do. I'm just horrible at explaining /not a good thing

Sad thing is, if it's misinterpreted, people will get the wrong view and get the wrong picture painted.

I guess until school comes around, I might meet people something like me. I have doubts about it, unless they went through some life-threatening experience (which tends to make people 'grow up' quicker)
but many of you all are so nice, I'm fortunate to have people around like you...

Tiredd

~Haru-Megami — Wed, 28 Mar 2007 21:38:51 PDT

"Trust in the Lord with all thine heart, and lean not unto thine own understanding." Proverbs 3:5

I'm tireddd.
I figured I should go online a wee bit more than usually lately, so it'll make me tired and I might be able to get my sleeping times right. Because it's been all totally out of whack!

I've been anxious to get back to school. But then there's that part of me that comes up saying all the "what ifs?" gah. I just want some action to happen now, I'm restless now. The same things everyday.....life is so boring right now. I'm glad I have God though, I just keep praying and I hope I'm not bugging Him with all my worthless babbling LOL. I guess I'll find out in the future. Who else do I have to talk to anyway? Some friends I guess. So right now and forever, God ish my best friend. :]

I noticed a huge difference in praying/speaking to Him compared to... something lifeless like when I used to talk to my stuff animals. XD; Because He's really there. ;.;

I'm trying to get back to my roots.
I want to get back to my 'normal' self, whenever I'm on this anti-biotic, it messes up my moods and makes my body all lazy. >( I want it to end soon. ;.; I'm eager to be around people, if only I could ya know?? I'm not in school right now, I can't go into any social groups because I have no transportation for it. It's a real bummer. I wish one of my friends who lives by me wasn't into all the bad junk. So many people are just plain trouble makers, but I know her background. I dunno.. it makes me feel bad that I can't do anything to help. (already tried xX) Ya..

I had such RANDOM dreams lately..which I haven't for a long time.. apparently in this dream my background was a verryy long ditch, and it led to my ex's house. xD So I went down it and saw his house, and heard his voice, and I turned around running back home because I didn't want him to see me. Or something. This heart just likes to have a taste in aching, doesn't it?
How long has it been? Like 8-9 months?

I just need to be back with my friends, I just really hope my school isn't total trash. I hear around it's been going all "gangster."

It's so annoying, you know, once you grow out of all the phases of STUPID, I just get sorta aggrivated with how dumb so many people are. It's so sad, I just need to rant about it. If I could go into the past and face myself, I'd slap me. xD Anyway... I'm still amazed at the change in me. When I think of the past, whatever Church thing I'd hear, I was a person who "had ears but could not hear, eyes but could not see" it just bounced off me. Now upon realizing all these things, I feel helpless when I see these people who I was like...still "slaves to sin, but free from righteousness."
But I'm a slave to righteousness, and free from sin, like any believer with the Spirit. It just kills me, people are greatly missing out on this entirely wonderful thing, this Good News. :< When you linger on with people who are slaves to sin, it makes me sad for them, ugh, see, it's good for me to speak out about this because I remind myself of important things.

I have no right to eagerly want say things like the rapture to happen now. Thinking that makes me out to be a total wimp or coward, because other people have gone through a great deal in their lives while what have I had? Oh, cancer, 3 times, big deal. /shot

In my opinion I've faced nothing yet, not saying I want cancer again : p but it's like... no matter what I go through I'll never be satisfied. How I wish it weren't true. I don't like pain, but there's some sort of balance with pain and joy. Makes sense. I long to laugh in that, "HAHA THAT'S STUPID/FUNNY" sort of way. Not the kind of sick laugh girls would make (which I did) when it came to making fun of someone. I never truly 'delighted' in such a thing. There's a difference between making-fun-of-laughing and joyful laughter. And I must go with joyful, it's...

Ggzaahhh!

~Haru-Megami — Mon, 26 Mar 2007 19:24:10 PDT

"Trust in the Lord with all thine heart, and lean not unto thine own understanding." Proverbs 3:5

I put this up as some..very random reply.
LOL I can't help but speak about God, regardless with what people say or think.

I wanna tell you believers something (even if you don't believe, read it anyway, it's interesting ), I learned it from my Pastor John Hagee :]
The Old Testament is "God's will concealed" as the New Testament is "God's will revealed"

If you know the story with Joseph and his other 11 brothers,

-- Joseph's brothers sold him into slavery betraying him because they hated him and were jealous, because their father Jacob loved Joseph the most.
--Jesus is the only begotten son of God, and was betrayed at the slave's price by Judas his betrayer.
--...Joseph also made his brother envious when he told them about the dream with the 11 stars & sun and moon bowing down to him, (he being the 12th star) They hated him and refused to believe it. Just as God's people (the Jewish) don't accept Jesus as the savior Isaiah spoke of.
--Joseph and Jesus (names) in the Hebrew root word are one in the same
--Joseph's father made him a richly ornamented robe his brother were jealous of.
Jesus had a seamless robe that the soldiers took and casted lots for to see who'd get it, because he was royalty
--Joseph was falsely accused for rape, as Jesus was falsely accused
--Jesus was sent as the bread of life, Joseph sent his brothers food
--Joseph was given a gentile bride, this is the symbol of the church, their children are the fruit of the church

Now notice this. While many people teach God casted the Jewish people aside, which is NOT true (sounded odd before I even learned this):

--Joseph told the Egyptians/Gentiles to leave the room while being alone with his brothers to reveal that he IS their brother ... as will Jesus reveal himself to the Jewish people showing HE is the Messiah, and where us gentiles will be.. Rapture of the Church (he'll call us 'out of the room' as Joseph did)! Yay Israel, the Jewish are the apple of God's eye I believe, I LOVE ISRAEL. /hugs prophecy stuff.
And when Joseph told his brothers who he was, he took them in with their father Jacob to live in Egypt with him. :]

I am overflowing with great love x__x
Biblical stuff gets me all worked up. XD I love it so much!
I'm gonna explode with love xD There is no way my body can contain such a power, I feel like exploding! Love is so awesome! The Spirit is so awesome! ..I'm loved by the King! You're loved by the King! WEEEEEEEEEEEEE (btw Jesus is the King. x3)

I feel like crying now. xD; Tears of joy 'sdklf'skf
I wish you all would seek to feel this! Anyone can ;.; PLEASE I'LL BE SO SAD IF I CAN'T SHARE MY CHOCOLATE POOL AND MOUNTAIN OF ORANGES WITH PEOPLE. /even though it'd be much greater than that
I'm serious. XD'

I love prophecy so much. If people need their 'proof' so bad, they can either study prophecies made in the Bible (predictions that came through God that have come true, and are waiting to come true. Ex. the Rapture of the Church is still waiting, then the Great Tribulation (7 years of the antichrist, aka the Devil will truly be 'on the loose') Then like... I can't help but be overwhelmed with this great inner peace given by Jesus, while I believed in Jesus BEFORE I repented and came to know Him, I NEVER had such a feeling. :< It's a peace indescribable. And SO MANY believers of Christ have it, it's just... it's not something by mistake. It's Truth, and the Holy Spirit within. :>

Hurrah, discipline.

~Haru-Megami — Sun, 25 Mar 2007 19:37:07 PDT

x__o
You know
I asked God to do whatever necessary to prepare me for what He wants me to be... and I found.. depression really hurts. /shot
But like, I really don't want to become all proud, and lately because of all the past study over the Bible with the Spirit, I've been like.. well, if a preacher preachers, I tend to test what I got and see if these people know what they're talking about

For instance this one guy off TV, calls himself an Apostle and I'm like, "What?" Because you /NEED/ certain qualifications to becoming an Apostle, one being you'd have to have been "called one by the will of God" (basically having a special annointing) and what really got me off about this guy, is that they kept asking for your MONEY. I know the Church needs its money, but these guys, honestly, you can /tell/ the "bad fruit" from the "good fruit" If they were truly 'Apostles' they'd have more significance, psh, plus, they wouldn't be even using all the scriptures to trick people into receicing greater finances, "put in your seed-offering of $90604830346" In my opinion, I REALLY think Don Stewart (this preacher/'healer') ..considering his company wont stop sending me phony "MIRACLE CLOTH/FLEECE/WOOL" whatever, then making his so called "personal letters" (being computer automated, obviously) fooling people with that, and making scripture sound like -- "IF U DON'T DONATE YOU WONT GET YOUR MIRACCLEEZ" As if God's healing could come through stupid money!
That's like what these people did in Acts, thinking they could "buy" the Holy Spirit. (I forget the names, only read it once haha)
If I had an annointing for healing, I wouldn't be forcing people in for their money, it'd be nice to get donations and be able to shelter/food/clothe myself and help other ppl, but any true worker of God wouldn't be in it for the money. Therefore, I believe he is a true fraud.
I'm totally convinced. My pastor John Hagee has that gift of prophecy. LOL I KNEW Jesus and Joseph had something in common. I only thought from looking at their names. (Joseph being the son of Jacob) But um, he made this awesome comparison with them. (I now am mad at myself for not taking notes >_> ) When Joseph, back in Egypt, right before revealing that he was "Joseph, son of Jacob" to his brother, he told the attendants (this was when he was exalted in Egypt) ..to leave his presence. So he could speak to his brothers, telling them, "I am Joseph, your brother!" ... As in the books in the Bible, spoke of us Gentiles giving praise to God, and then about the rapture. That the Lord will end up calling us out, and he will still be the savior of the Jewish people. Jesus had called out from the cross telling the Hebrew women, "Do not weep for me, but weep for yourselves and for your children," he was talking about a certain time, I don't remember what my pastor said but I'm guessing during the Great Tribulation.

Ya ;.; I wish I wrote it down, he made all these other similar'ish comparisons to Jesus and they made a lot of sense. It just "wow'd" everyone. XD;

It's been a huge dread lately. I feel like there's a black rain cloud following me everywhere I go recently. I'm so tired of being here at my grandparents alone, I began to realize things that I've done in the past, and it grieved me. As a matter of fact, so many things are grieving me, I feel like my spirit is being stabbed at many things in the world I once did (which are wrong o-x ) and now, from "reaping what I have sown in the past," I'm getting back what I've done.
When you sow a bad seed, it takes time for the harvest, until that time is up, you end up reaping what you've sown. It makes perfect sense, and I accept it all. My God is just, righteous, and I'm learning what I believe He's trying to get me to see.. and well, I must say I'm happy He's making me understand.

Back in 8th grade before the dance, I seriously thought I told my step mom about it /early/ (it was a rule to let her know these things early) w...

The Way, the Truth, and the Life

~Haru-Megami — Mon, 19 Mar 2007 19:09:49 PDT

I was watching television and their program came on (TBN/Trinity Broadcast Network) And I was ASTONISHED. So I'll share it with you.

I ask ALL people to read this. Unbelievers of Christ greatly welcomed. :3 God bless you all.

A car does not create itself, someone made and designed it.
We people make things and we're its 'creator'
So who made the earth and all its inhabitants? Who designed and went into great detail with the human body? Notice how you take a banana, from the top you can peel it to expose what's inside, and it's curved to perfectly go into the mouth and be able to eat. But before you eat it, you can tell by its outside if it's good to eat. If it's green, too early, yellow, perfect, brown/black...spoiled!

Are you a good person? "I'm good, I'm going to heaven, I don't need Jesus."
Okay, so then, have you ever lied in your entire life? What would you then be? A liar. It doesn't take several killings to be called a murderer, just one. So would this then making you a 'good' person?

Do you think God, being a righteous judge would see you as good, though being a liar with the other evil deeds you've committed, would let you go free in court on day upon judgement?

If a righteous judge let some who raped a child go free, that judge wouldn't be righteous, he would be CORRUPT. God is good, God is love, God is light. And no one likes a corrupt judge.

Ever looked at a man or a woman with lust? Jesus says in Matthew 5:28 "But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart."
You've broken a commandment of God's by doing this simple thing.

You might say, "Well I don't believe in God,"
Well then that's like saying, "I don't believe in gravity," then go jump off a building and see if you'll fall or not! Then tell me oh, "there's no such thing as gravity." Just by believing something is not there, does not make it go away.

Then you say, "Well there's PROOF of gravity." Well I say to you my friend, "There's proof of God as well." When you do a research paper about say, the Holocaust or WW2, you look up the facts/truth about it, right?

Have you ever searched the Bible to determine the Truth for yourself? Have you put it to the TEST? In Deuteronomy 4:29 "But if from there you seek the LORD your God, you will find him if you look for him with all your heart and with all your soul." You WILL. It's a promise, God wont reject those who seek Him. Do not seek God in vain.

Just research PROPHECY. Predicaments in the Bible by God's prophets that have come true. And yes, some are still waiting to come true, such as Revelation. If all these books in the Bible were false, why would anyone have bothered preserving them in the past? Then, the Bible being composed of 66 books, ALL based on the SAME God, how did it survive all these thousands/hundreds of years? If you're unbelieving right now, imagine all the people who were just the SAME back then. Why would people preserve something that isn't backed up by "proof" ? God Himself is proof. And He'll show you Himself if you just ask.

God is like the wind, you can feel the effects, but you can't see it.

Romans 3:23-24 "for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus."

NO one is good, it is said in the scriptures, "there is not one who is righteous," so don't think to yourself for a moment, "I'm a 'good' person." But saying that, you are a liar, and no liar is "good." Just like no murderer is "good."

But if you so confess your sins, and ask for help in repenting and for forgiveness, He will forgive and help you. You cannot hide anything from God. God is not a fool, and God will not be mocked. So in confessing,...

Words #7 Divinity

~Haru-Megami — Fri, 09 Mar 2007 00:30:18 PST

This is my 7th Series of Words. (c) by I, Haru. ; p
So its going to be longest. ;3 Blessings to you who have read it, in Christs Name. You all really should read it. From the beginning, to the end.

Topics - Truth, Gnosticism & asceticism, deceit/lies, trust/faith, patience, love, healing

I feel so stupid, because of these past few days.
Not... literally stupid, but just like, Ive been having such deceitful, negative thoughts. Some of them even purposely drag me down in what youd look at as asceticism (which Ill put into detail with some help later in this)
And I'm doing it all to myself. I was confusing truth with lies, & I feel like an idiot, haha.

Today those sermons on the "Church Channel" (On directTV) with Joel Osteen, Rod Parsley, um, Dr. David Jeremiah, some other guy, and this other person, I felt like they were talking to me, and like, man, I'm just so glad I chose Church over spongebob in the moment LOL. God answered me :< (It was such a disturbing feeling, I was killing myself for no reason. Im happy I was answered :] )

I remember what King Solomon wrote in Ecclesiastes, 7:16 ~17

Do not be overrighteous, neither be overwise why destroy yourself?

Do not be overwicked, and do not be a fool why die before your time?

I can see how being overly righteous can destroy you. I like sharing this stuff with you guys, I might be interpreting this wrong, but by experience, I think it's right. I don't feel like searching into it at the moment... but as I was saying on about these negative thoughts:

I felt shaken inside, and disturbed by my own thinking. Although it's true such deceitful thoughts come from the evil one, because he'll do anything to drag you down. Aren't I right? Anything bad, negative, that you see, is not from God. God isn't the God of hate, but rather the God of love, light, & peace. God is good. Is it so hard to have spiritual discernment? Who can truly distinguish between right and wrong, good and evil?

It is said, "the righteous shall live by faith, faith that comes through Christ Jesus, because the Law alone of the Old Testament cannot save us. (Read Galatians in the Bible, Apostle Paul explains) Does this mean we are aloud to go on sinning? By all means NO. Even if you are struggling with a sin you know is wrong in the eyes of God, if you know it's wrong and do absolutely NOTHING to refrain from it, you are being deceived by Satan right now and even might consider it as "normal, right" because yes, this is the world we live in now:

Exchanging sweetness for bitterness, light for darkness. Taking what is really wrong and setting it forth as "right." Only by the standards of this world with these such people!

But if you are sinning, (and we all sinners regardless, because nevertheless we still possess that sinful nature, even while having the Holy Spirit of God within you,) and if you are trying and praying eagerly and honestly for that certain sin that will not let you gain inheritance in the Kingdom of God ( [link] | [link] ) ..to leave you entirely, I believe you will be saved.

But do not deceive yourself. If any of you believers are like this, I urge you to stop. I have, why cant you? Believing you can do anything of wickedness/detestableness will not save you. True, Jesus says, I will not forsake you, it is not Him who forsakes; people forsake Him.

Who are you going to believe? The Apostles and Prophets appointed by God, whose Books pieced carefully together all in one Book (The Bible) or these people who spread lies and produce false teaching who are clearly not appointed by God?

The Gnostic Gospels: Apostle Paul wrote and even WARNED of this false teaching. (And recent documentaries concerning Jesus, like the programs on the History Channel or Geographic, "Lost tomb of Jesus" or whatever it was called, the thing with Mary Magdalene being married to him...

WE ARE.

~Haru-Megami — Wed, 07 Mar 2007 22:31:09 PST

... Hamster people.

I'm hungry.
I want my cookies... but there's no more left. :< AND I DON'T WANNA MAKE COOKIES AT 12:27AM.

You know.
777 is the perfect number.

wow this journal entry is short! =o
I REALLY hope my history teacher can't come tomorrow. LOL.
Because I totally.. wasted my time tonight.
When I could have read my book and did HW.
Man.... I just stink.
At least I finished a picture! /submits to dA
Hope Tif likes it.

Well, God bless, niight.

You Give and Takee awayy

~Haru-Megami — Tue, 06 Mar 2007 20:37:03 PST

I've come to the conclusion...... my God's favorite numbers must be 7 and 3. LOL

Really! lol but I can just imagine Him saying, "HARU YOU'RE STUPID. ...My favorite number is 12." hahahaha (I'm joking here *wink )

The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away, blessed be the Name of the Lord.

I'm saying this 'cause... lol, I got my laptop as a "donation" from my dad's work, being in ties with Dell's company I guess, so even though they said it was mine to keep (this lady who gave it said so :/ ) well after these couple months they want it back now. >o

So I'm like, how horrible! It's no wonder how these kind of people screw you over. DIRTY BUSINESS. My dad has been trying to get a paper from them STATING it's mine, but after all this time finally they just come back saying they want it back. It's a laptop that goes around ? I dunno. It was all new to me. :/ Good thing I took care of it, otherwise if it broke or something, we'd be all in trouble. : p My dad even offered to pay for it, but they're saying no apparently. So I dunno when exactly I'll be giving it back, but I'm in hopes that I can keep it. Because... I really hate my grandpa's comp I USED to use, it ran all slow because of the junk sites he runs into filled with viruses. And plus, the screen is a wide screen. So this is like... REAL bad for my art. :< The UGLY wide screen for his virus-loaded comp makes art all.. blurry and ew. :
So when my dad told me this while I was at my hospital for my appointment, I just like... really sobbed over it. But it's okay! Though my laptop is like... my second best friend (I'm sorry but the IPOD COMES FIRST. /shot) At least I even got to have one.
I always would dream of lying in my bed with one, and so God gave me one. :]

But um... it got me thinking.. I could have cried all madly and complained about it like my oldself usually would do, but I can't stand making others feel bad for me, especially like my dad... So I'm in a tight spot, because he's already stressed out as it is.

And I'm just praying my history teacher will not come this week, and I have good chances for this... There is just no way I can finish all this meaningless work he assigned. Even if I told the truth, all the treatments I went through, the kinds of medicine I'm on 'cause of it, affects my memory and concentration :< So you can get an idea of how hard it is for me to even do my work. Then to top it all off, I'm depressed because I'm all alone here while my friends are at school. But I keep reminding myself, "just a little longer" I'll be back with them, and God willing stronger than ever before.

I said to the Lord, "These days here are probably going to be the closest days I ever spend with you, (God) So I am real thankful for them" Even though these days are hard, I'll look back on them in the future and miss them. Because Lord knows what the future will bring, we'll still be close, but since I'll be at school (boo) I'll have my mind on a bunch of other things. ... Or will I? haha

Anyway yeah, I figured "why worry about it?" the laptop thing, then school, because after I'd have these worrying/panic attacks I found myself to feel real stupid at the end of the day. rofl But then again there are somethings that are just so hard to help

So um... once my laptop (hopefully not, if anything at all happens) gets taken away, I dunno how often I'll even bother going online. I dread my grandfather's office, it smells weird, the atmosphere is empty, and my room is like my "Holy Dwelling" or like my own sanctuary I've created. My comfort zone. :< Plus I don't want to have to deal with that dog that goes under the desk. >_> (I'm tall, so I like stretching out my legs. But I can't, 'cause that dog gets all defensive. : p)

This is probably a good thing, maybe without this laptop I'll be able to do my work better. Even though.... I'll miss you telbat.................(tablet LOL. for drawing) And my potpal, (laptop haha) .... ;.; BUT I STILL GOT MY DOPi. (oh, just guess.) :]

My head is all achy'ish right now, and I feel all lovish inside.

God bless...:3

Words #1 | Words #2 | Words #3 | Words #4 | Words #5

AHHH I love this song so much. ;___;!!!!
Toby Mac - Made to Love

I love repentance! Man, I feel so clean. XD Overwhelming happiness is just the opposite of overwhelming pain. ;.; If it's so easy to be depressed, why can't it be the same being happy? (Something I've said before I really came to know Christ ;.; )

I'M SO HAPPY. I LOVE God, GRACE, I'm so happy I'm saved. ;.; I've been sent an invitation to the King's feast and I was one of the few who accepted than rejected. :>

I was reading some stuff that goes against God, it's like... I don't believe in treating any person poorly because of whatever, but I'm not going to promote it and accept what is wrong as "normal" God's love and law never changes! x( Just a bunch of disobedient people who are blinded by darkness, and are the very essence of this verse:

Isaiah 5:20
Woe to those who call evil good
and good evil,
who put darkness for light
and light for darkness,
who put bitter for sweet
and sweet for bitter.

xX Which is funny 'cause because before I even found that, I was already saying how in this world "what is truly good is now referred to as evil, what is truly evil is now considered good" in the eyes of this world! But it doesn't come as a surprise to me, the Holy Spirit doesn't tell one person one thing different and the other something else.

Do you not believe me that I search deeply within all things I hear? I'm so eager to learn the most important things. I may not have all the answers now, but if it so the Lord's will, I one day will. :] But it is said, "Trust in the Lord with all thine heart and lean not unto thine own understanding." prov 3:5

Do I call myself "right"? No, but what the Lord says He is right.
Why do people question the writings of God and man together? The Apostles ;.; If God knew they were not fit, he would have so not called them forth! Even the Apostle Peter notes Paul's letters are difficult to understand, because Paul was a very great, wise teacher. People who don't want to understand and go ballistic off the things they read and THINK they have the right interpretation, they're just reading it from the "worldly" point-of-view!

You are out swimming along the shore line, will not the waves push you away?
Yet when you are off the shore line, more inside the waters, when the waves come in they keep pulling you in and in, and you struggle to get out. Then eventually you just give up, you do your best to keep yourself up until the waves settle down. Otherwise you're getting no where, and you will surely drown from using all your strength against something you could not go up against, especially alone

Unless you're a skillful and strong swimmer, the waves can't do any or much harm to you. It would be best to stay along the shoreline and not get driven in too deeply in those waters. But if you are a strong swimmer, you can fight through the waves easily and be able to save the weaker person in need.

Yes, I was metaphorically speaking.

Anyway, I must get to doing my homework.
...And also become a stronger swimmer. ;]

I have been blessed from the day I was born. ;.; Yay for the good and bad! For goodness is joy, and what storm comes through adds to understanding, keeps perseverance, and makes you stronger.

God loves all people, but do any people truly love Him?
God does not forsake people, but people forsake Him.

Words #5

~Haru-Megami — Sun, 04 Mar 2007 19:28:07 PST

Words #1 | Words #2 | Words #3 | Words #4

Hypocrisy.
I just hate it.
I hate how I even do it. (and yeah recently I've been praying and working on it) But I'm glad to be able to admit it. I'm just on it on small things. But I want it gone entirely.

It looks like I'm going to see a great demonstration of God's work in me by the time I go back to school. I loved the way my pastor preached today. He was SO funny.
He was talking about marriage and bf/gfs, and he makes these jokes in between, he's the best prophesying pastor I'd ever know. (John Hagee of jhm.org)

I had like... the most loving dream from God ever. I don't know but, maybe I was slightly awake, because I felt this... SUPER LOVE out of NO WHERE. fl;kadsfk;dsg
I want to feel that magnificent feeling again. He like, never fails to answer me.
In my dream I was lying on my bed sleeping/dreaming, in the same bed I was (in reality) sleeping on. Except I was at my mom's house instead of my aunts. ('cause my aunt and uncle take me to church ;.; )
Yea... You know, I don't like being grouchy. :< The way I act (in real life) when I am tired and it's evening or drawing towards evening, I get like the major mood swing.

I guess it's just all the hurt I'm feeling inside, like I'm being tossed back and forth by these "waves" in this "family." Then it feels like none of my friends bothers to care, but here I am going again (hypocrite thing), I don't even IM them (school friends) myself. I don't really know what to say. I guess I'm that broken, but broken can be beautiful. :<

I hate coming back to my grandparents after my aunt dropped me off. My dad is always so busy, I never see him, and when I tell my grandma "Where is my dad? /sad/teary" She's like, she gets all sympathetic with me, and says she'd tell him something. But then I feel bad for my dad 'cause he's all under this stress and seems confused to me in his life with work, so I go to my grandma and say "Don't tell him anything I said," and she's all, "Well I was talking with your step mom and they do invite you, but you're always with your cousins" And yeah, I thought of this, but I told her "it'd be nice if they would have asked to take me to the mall last night when they went shopping with my sister."
I'd rather be with my cousin's and their parents anyway... Because they're all Christian, gosh... I hope they know how fortunate they are. They're like my sanctuary, my comfort zone. Everyone else.. I feel uneasy around, and it feels empty. ._.

But my dad's side is all divided, there's ALWAYS "misunderstanding". EVERYONE is TWO-FACED. See the way this non-Christian family regulates! So stupid! My mom's is like PERFECT compared to my dad's. They have their problems and all, but it makes me feel "safer", like a hen's babies under her right wing. Everything in my eyes here is all broken.
No one has real sympathy for each other. No one understands what I see through these eyes -- And why would they? HOW could they?
They don't even know Christ.

But why must I go on complaining? I know I'm blessed. Then I remember how my brothers and sisters are going through the same thing all over the world. Even worse. ;-;
I guess in my mind I have the whole play-made-up scenario of this "perfect understanding family", who don't say annoying spirit-breaking "teasing" comments, who aren't stupid and lust after their own heart's desires, who are eager to go out and do good, I'm TRAPPED IN A BOX. (my room /shot)

I walk around in the mall and I see things I'd like to have, and when it makes me sad I can't have it I imagine how much worse it must feel to be someone who has nothing at all.
So then I feel helpless, all I'm able to do now is hope and pray for them. I don't know how to drive, I can't work (parents rather want me to finish H.S. and I can't work under these medical conditions)
I asked myself the other day if I'd risk my life to save someone, in any way happening, I'd most likely do it without hesitation. Even if in the back of my mind I'm thinking, "if I'm meant for much more, (to help save people) I should be cautious of my own life then" but eve if this were true, I'd still be selfish of keeping myself from acting quickly, because I don't know my own future. I can just hope it's God's will, and His will be done. So I'd have to disown that desire I have, and attempt to help the other person as best as I can
And if I got shot/raped/buried ali...

Love..

~Haru-Megami — Sat, 03 Mar 2007 18:12:16 PST

Words #1 | Words #2 | Words #3 | Words #4

I just wanna say... I love all you peoples!!!!
Like, honestly, everyone of you. XD I even love the people who hate me! (though I'm unaware of who /shot) You guys are the greatest, honestly

I just like... haha.. I feel overwhelmed with wanting to tell all these people "I love you, friend/sis/brother!" <3

I pray that this feeling would always stay, it could! It will, I'm trying to conquer moods by prayer. It so works! I love this, I AM SO HAPPY.

It never fails when I ask for my joy to be restored. NEVER. ^^!!

....You know, when you lay on the grass, and look into the clouds, .... well I did this and my imagination went all.. weird. I SAW THIS PRETTY CARRIAGE. ;.; It was all decorated, like with flowers on the back, it was like... I dunno, maybe royal'ty ish, but when I blink/wipe my eyes it went bye-bye ;.; Then I saw some other weird stuff. It was cool. x3

I have a theory that the clouds are like... God's art work in the sky.
WHO CAN INTERPRET THE SKIES??? ... Like, truly. Not this fake mumbo jumbo. SPEAKING as if there ARE signs in clouds... divine signs.. haha, I'm just in awe about it, the sky is so pretty.

sorta down..

~Haru-Megami — Sat, 03 Mar 2007 00:43:13 PST

Words #1 | Words #2 | Words #3 | Words #4

I dunno if sorta down fits in the category of crying somewhat, but I brought this upon myself, so I wanted to let it out...

7 days.... Yeah.

I shouldn't even be hurting over it, it's just me, it is.. ._.
I'm not stating this by all means... but are looks so important?
What's so great about outer beauty when you're totally ugly on the inside?
Even if I am pretty in the slightest, and I don't want to care even if I am, but when people lust after looks they just end up getting stuck with a total ugly person (on the inside) Not implying if you got good looks then you MUST be ugly on the inside, because it goes all ways, you can be ugly outside and beautiful inside, and both beautiful inside and out, same with being just plain "ugly"

I guess it just hurts a lot, I don't want someone to love me just because of how I look, I'll admit I look being told "you look nice/pretty" (who wants to be told, "oh you're ugly"?)

By the way I'm totally talking about something you have no clue on, so this will be confusing to you but don't lean in your own understanding about it

Then I guess I must be ugly on the inside as well to even think I could be better than this or that person, because I never want to be like that, not as I was, that was the true ugly version of myself.. ;-;

I don't want someone I love to put me on scale and see if I'm at their level to be with them
I don't want their to be some sort of "price" on me, the "you deserve better" thing, what is "better" ? None of us are! We are all equal, but in this type of world everyone is apparently weighed on a scale: Rich, poor; Great, least..meh
I shouldn't even comparing myself to people I don't even know
Or even if I did know them, I shouldn't even compare then
But I find myself to be even less of value in the eyes of man
Does that so bother me? No.. Am I?
Everyone is so much better, and I'd want them all to go before me, because what good have I done? But even at this, I am in no way of wanting death, because I've overcome it only because of Who is in me

... It just hurts.
But where there is Light.. there is always hope, and hope I'll keep, because so long as God is my Helper I cannot let go, I'd be letting go on the one I most love ;~;

You might lose much, but enduring through it, you gain much more than before

I could say more, but even my own "words" are hidden from me
Yet I still go on wondering, "Who am I, who am I?"

I'm like a grain of sand buried deep with billions upon billions above me.
Only when time comes and the winds brush off the other grains above me, I will truly see the world deeper than how it already is

Who would have sympathy on me? You do not know what I see and feel,
Neither do I with you

I am looking for the one my heart so loves, and I know he's looking for me too
But who is he? is he even real? Did he ever exist...

"Do not arouse or awake love until it so desires"

Words #4

~Haru-Megami — Fri, 02 Mar 2007 02:19:58 PST

Words #1 | Words #2 | Words #3

When it is pitch black all around you, can you see yourself, you can feel, and sense that you're there. When you can't see yourself in the dark, but you obviously know you are there. So same applies to God, we cannot see Him yet with our eyes, but we see Him in our hearts, and feel and sense Him as well.

Being in the dark [literally] is to feel your way around, or go by sounds
You can feel yourself, so you know you are there.

To the Lord night to Him He can see right through as if it were day; To the Lord darkness is visible to His eyes because the Lord is light, as Satan is darkness, and he owns the world and stands condemned, because he has been sinning since the beginning.

Being in the dark, nothing can be seen, nothing is clear.
In this world many walk in darkness, they are of the world and so the world (world being people) loves them as its own. But obviously I'm not of it, nor do I want to be. (like I once was part of it)

Unless you have light in you, who is God, like a sheep without a shepherd they are walking their own path without hope, and stay walking blindly throughout the darkness. With no light to guide you, how will you find your way home? Where will they fall? Into their own whole they have dug out for themselves.

If you who do not understand Christ who are not part of this flock, this Body, stubborn and living like a ravenous wolf, you are eager to attack the sheep, are you not?
Will not the Shepherd come to save his sheep? He will surely strike you with his rod, and you will die. For who protects the wolf? Only but his pack, but even the pack scatters. They only try to protect themselves.
Wont the Shepherd call out his fellow workers/helpers to come guide His sheep and fight off the wolves?

My Rock is not like anyones rock, but a Rock that protects and cannot be shaken. Woe to those whose path lies where the boulder will come down on, the boulder will destroy whatever lies in its path, and will come on them unexpectedly. Nobody knows the day or hour.

Can darkness hide from light?
For when light is not present, darkness hides.
Until light comes, that darkness is gone.

We are like worms, struggling to get our way through, shielded by a Rock that we lie beneath. If we were to leave our Rock, we are defenseless, relying on our strength alone.
Who are you? You are like the bird who flies about in the air, eating and drinking what you so desire, flying and heading to where you so desire, looking down for prey to attack. And until you spot the worm being unprotected, you will sweep down and take it by the beak and swallow us whole. And though Jonah was in the belly of a great fish because he ran away from the Lord, he was spit out by command of God after 3days/nights, and he set forth to preach against the city of Nineveh, because of its wickedness, just as the Lord told him to do so before he was in the belly of that fish. All because he ran away from his "Rock." (Assuming you know the Book of Jonah in the Bible) Do not lean into your own understanding unless you know what I am talking about. It's a short book, also, if you must know.

But where there is faith, light stands by, always and forever, even if you are faithless, He will remain faithful, because He cannot disown Himself.

He was like a sheep afraid to go through a storm, not listening to the Voice of his Shepherd calling, but he knew what he was called out to do, and he took responsibility and got through it, back to his Shepherd, and He was glad.

If you are not part of the flock, you are part of the pack.
Who will strike you down?

One who becomes sick is told they must take medicine and be treated before the sickness comes to be worse. If the sick person says, "I do not need medicine. I can get better on my own." That person's sickness will take over and he will become worse off than before, perishing away, then to death.

What do I mean here? As a believer in hearing, feeling, experiencing, and knowing the Truth, I am merely warning you who do not believe to be healed before you get worse and cannot be cured. Are you forced to take medicine? Medicine will help you and you will get well; It's your choice to take it. So if I, am offering you this "Medicine", will you not take it and allow yours...

yay, my results are fine ;.;

~Haru-Megami — Tue, 27 Feb 2007 19:35:39 PST

Words #1 | Words #2 | Words #3

I'm so glad, I got my CT scan done today, and after praying so much.. my prayers must have been answered, because usually when the least sign of cancer appears back before I didn't so know God, I ALWAYS thought of the worst thing to happen and like, even wanted it to happen. o-x So I have this problem of negative thoughts and thinking the worst xX'' and I've been fighting them, because I'm trying to rid of the negative part of me that basically took over my life (the whole depression thing) and I'm only depressed'ish right now because I don't have anyone offline to interact with, nor am I really able to, everyone is at school busy and I'm at home all.. lonely xX
But yeah, the mass inside my chest is very much gone, so it was just pneumonia, and they told me I'm in the healing phase of it, so that's good.
I really need to becareful with the things I say, I'm seriously trying to make myself being the way I was, because it doesn't sound like me at all, the real me I mean. I have like that personal self, then my outer self with people who already know me (which I'm trying to change), then I have this total different side when I talk to people I don't know. lol

I'm all messed up, so I'm trying to be ONE person... hahaha
I dunno... I'm just going to blame all the pills they got me on because of my transplant I had. they've been decreasing my pills lately, so I'm like.. YAY. And slowly, I'm becoming stronger again. Yeah... assuming by summer time when band camp rolls around... I'll be ready. And I'll be back to the way my life should be
I just pray that I don't forget what I've felt and learned, and I doubt I will..

I had this dream when I got back from the hosp and took a nap, I was like.. swimming in this very steady water, and then the waves in front.. like came out of nowhere and grew so HUGE. And I was like, "whoa" because there was no way I'd be able to keep above that, that surely the waters would take me out and I'd drown, but I wasn't scared, which is the sorta odd part. Then during this moment the waves so high were not so many feet away, there were 2 men off the the right side about to react and save me ?
I have no idea what happened when the tides caved on me, or if they even did, because I opened my eyes IN the dream like as if I were double dreaming. haha
Then my cousin visited me o_0 Which is something she never does. LOL

Maybe it means, when waves come crashing in on me, I'll be saved and unharmed, and someone will visit me? lol
But the water thing.. I wanna dream that again. XD
It reminded me of that dream when I stepped into this elevator with a feeling of satisfaction and confidence, (i tend to have elevator dreams) well it was rising, and I knew it was going to break and the wires would snap and crash once it reached the point of destination. So when it did, I closed my eyes, and felt myself lifted up even though the elevator fell.

o__O Now I'm reminded of when I had this Biblical dream.. ish thing, the setting was during times of the Romans, and they were going to kill us by rolling this huge boulder on us. And I remember praying and trusting I wouldn't be harmed, and when the boulder came, there was no fear, and I was unharmed

All these three dreams I wasn't afraid, I was unharmed, and they were all situations of death. LOL wow, these must amount to something.
It means I'm just stupid /shot
jk, I really shouldn't be so worrisome like about school or anything, but this body just doesn't cope with my mind so quickly. haha

GAH. I'm going to look for some chocolate. Or hope that there's one orange left. :< We have no more Ozarka water!!! THE WORLD IS ENDING. /doesn't ever drink from flourided/sick water from the fountain. ... It's like, the same water we have in our toilets. hahaha

I love..

~Haru-Megami — Mon, 26 Feb 2007 16:51:53 PST

Words #1 | Words #2 | Words #3

...being outside. haha, like going outside in the open. When you come familiar with things and understanding, there's an even stronger connection between nature and the earth itself. I wish I could go out and observe it daily... I found that you get this connection with life in everything else, it feels real good and peaceful
I'm in awe at God's works, I must admit... I miss climbing trees and getting yelled at. LOL.
I was like... cat-girl during my younger days. I even ate some cat food. o_o; Like from the can. haha
I love my kitties. ;.; Last night I saw 3 of my cats on the counter waiting for some more food, and they're all silent. Yet when it comes to the dogs, they wait and growl and bark, and getting in the way. It's annoying. I can compare this to people, people are the same way depending on the person

My aunt was telling me about how their cow they bought had given birth to a calf, and like, the mother cow grew so different and her eyes were more wide open then before she had the calf. So when my uncle had tried going up to it, she was like going to charge at him thinking he'd harm the calf her baby or something.
Isn't it weird? I'd have to be there and see it myself to get a more clearer analogy off this, but, kinda like when you're a true child of God our Father, and when the enemy comes to harm us, their own doom will be charged at them as the mother cow protects her young one

Say you plant some flowers. If the seed isn't watered, it wont grow
As to people, if we aren't fed, we wont grow, and we'll soon die
But if you take care of the plant, it'll grow beautifully
Just as.. if you don't take care of yourself, you'll grow into destruction and turn into something ugly inside

With fruit, you can tell if it is good to eat or if it is spoiled
Why eat fruit that is spoiled that will thus make yourself sick?
But eating fresh fruit will make you strong.

I'm metaphorically speaking like I usually do.

I believe I understand why cleaning your feet is the most important part of the body to clean; Because your feet carrying you and your words, good or bad, to other people. Feet can cause you to sin.

I say Listerine your mouth. haha

o__X I was just looking at some old and some recent pictures of myself from the webcam I took, and man, I have like a total change of appearance when I'm in light.. It's pretty. Then I compare it to my dark emo pictures, I look like someone else. o-x
lol it's fun having a wig. |D

Aw man... I miss my beautiful dark long hair. ;__; I looked an a picture from 8th grade, and I miss those days. LOL. Even though they were all.. dramatic and insane. You live and you learn! I miss band too. I miss dressing like such a band geek, haha.. well I'll soon float back into those days, God will give me if He's so willing. :3

Though this world is filled with horrible things, you only get one life like this on this place, even dark times in the past can be beautiful I think. Like for me, those M.S. days were filled with passion/emotion and complete drama. It made life here fun to even endure such things.

I believe I'm stepping into a new set, but this time, I am no longer in worldly sorrow that brings death, but rather a Godly sorrow which leads to repentance that brings salvation; This will bring sad and rough times in life, but there will also be good days.
I'm so eager for the challenge to come now!

... I'm actually in it already. o_x LOL I don't like it. Then I do like it. Am I rejoicing? I love God. :<

I WANT TO DRAW BUT I HAVE HOMEWURK. GRRRR /cry

Yesterday..;*;

~Haru-Megami — Mon, 26 Feb 2007 00:46:28 PST

Words #1 | Words #2 | Words #3

All today... I had to pray for strength, because.. well I was going to see someone who is in my heart who I haven't seen for 7 months. So yeah.. I was so tired since I went to bed at 4am, and I just.. I dunno, I was all weak so I slept til like 1pm. I took motrin for the pain in my right lung because of the phneumonia, it always helps, so then I continued on praying because of this certain person I would see again.

Maybe it is because I am lonely, or I really do feel so much love for him
Am I still dwelling in the past? I prayed for strength to fight the memories of the past, I've accepted long ago what has happened, because it was for the good of both of us
But... my heart just fell within me and I did my best to be cheerful and force that smile, you know? Even though my face got a little shaky, but I'm glad to know how he's doing, and that he's maturing too

It's like this: A girl had a sweet kitty cat, for the longest time it seemed to her. She loved her cat so dearly, and the cat loved her as well. But one day her cat began to stray away, and left the household to chase after the mouse.. a chasing after the wind..
Then one day someone else found the cat and the cat so loved them. When the girl saw this, she was heartbroken, but accepted her old friend to be happy with its new family

; ; Maybe it's just me, you know, when you're so close to someone who stood by you for the longest time, really sticks to you. But I haven't gotten the chance to be an "ordinary girl" going to high school and laughing with her band friends to be able to move on
I don't know... Lord knows, I shouldn't be fearing for my future, like being alone when I'm all.. old Xx I have another dream sown in my heart, but my heart so desires love

Because I'm so faint within, I always become like this at night usually.. during the day until evening comes, I begin to grow weary inside. I don't like it getting dark, it's like half the day I'm happy the end part I grow sad within because of this lonliness

Anyways... yeah, after he left, I just bawled out into tears and ran into the field beside the middle school there. I just totally... I dunno, but I laid upon a rock knowing that my soul would be restored, so there I rested under the blue sky and my Comforter was fast to come in after I told Him all that was hurting me

Then I was listening to this song "You know where to find Me" and yeah, this song artist Matthew West totally express the love of God so well.. :< It's like one of the most passionate sweet songs ever. ;~;

When I was done resting and crying, I had gotten up and looked behind me and found it funny two guys were on these benches somewhat yards across the field, and they were staring at me. haha.. then I began to walk in the part of the field where there are thorns and those small spiky ball things that are so painful, like splinters, and since I was wearing sandals I had taken one of them off to take out the dirt, and ended up stepping on these small ones, and it hurttt and a tiny part of my foot bled. And it reminded me of when Paul spoke of a thorn in his flesh, but I don't think he literally meant a thorn. But yeah, reminded me of this..

I entirely allowed my spirit to control my body rather then my body controlling itself, so I was there walking after if I were walking on air
And if people saw this they'd stare in wonder or think I'm some weirdo

But it's a way for me to express how I feel, without caring about if anyone sees me or not
I can't run around or act like a little kid having innocent fun in the days of my youth, people would think I was mental, because people judge and don't seek to understand
But oh.. I guess I'm like that at heart, I was telling Mike that when I speak to strangers I speak like a totally different person, because when people who knew the old me would expect me to act something like that person, but I don't want to, yet it's hard, like it's natural

I trust in God.. but with how much horrible things going on, like rape and murder, which freaks me out whenever I think about it and I do my best not to, I mean in the neiborhood I'm in things have gotten worse.. like there's some gangsters and other sick people in the area :<

I just wish I had someone by my side to protect me because he loves me, like that heroic helpful type of guy. Because I don't know ho...

Words #3

~Haru-Megami — Fri, 23 Feb 2007 20:12:02 PST

Words #1 | Words #2

Prophecy, I love prophecy.
I have such an urge to practice and speak, so I'll do it.

In the Book of Matthew, in chapter 7, Jesus was teaching to the crowds--
7:7"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. 8For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened. "

I don't know about all you guys and your stories, which I'd love to hear, because I am always so eager to know how others have found God. I was a "false Christian" since 7th grade up until Sept '06, because of all life shot at me and made me so down, I got fed up and sick of being depressed in such INTENSE emotional pain, I decided to make a change.

I never knew to make the prayer in Jesus name, but I would pray when I'd remember back then to just God in general. I had no knowledge of the Bible, I just knew whatever little elementary basic thing it had to give. I'd look in my old teen Bible but now when I look back on it, the Bible was a closed Book to my eyes and I didn't know to take heart or deeply look into what you'd find it to be a "hidden mystery" So when I was sad I might open it, but have no idea what to look for.

After enduring cancer with 3 different treatments, and losing my boyfriend who I leaned on greatly and loved him so much, and getting the shingles and pneumonia the first times... I really started questioning and thinking everyday, "WHAT is the means of living? Why am I even here? What's the purpose in life?" I prayed to God but I EAGERLY searched for the truth as if it were a hidden treasure, so valuable that NOTHING on this world could amount to it.

And then the answers just came to me and hit me one night in September, "Life is meaningless - apart from God" But you see, I was filled with this inexpressible joy and overwhelmed happiness. I believe God shot His Holy Spirit in me and I found the Truth because of the GRACE of God.

If you're lost, whether a believer or an unbeliever, stop leaning into your own understanding and trust in the Lord!

The wicked may scorn and turn their eyes and ears away, even when they read or hear this they can't accept it because of their haughtiness and their conceited proud hardened hearts.

Who is the one who overcomes what is evil? A believer in Christ who does the will of God, living by faith makes them righteous.

A false Christian says to themself, "I can do whatever I want, I can have sex with whoever I can get drunk, hate my parents, and then rely on Jesus that He'll save me because I can do whatever I want."

Oh no no, friend, it doesn't work that way. You're a FOOL and you're BLINDED by what you should be doing. And believe me, once having the Spirit of God within you, your body is DEAD to sin, we are never going to be sinless, for the man who claims to be sinless is a liar and a complete idiot.

As I was a false Christian, I did such things as hating many people when I should be loving my brother and forgiving. I was seeking revenge from my enemies when in the Bible it says in Romans 12:19, "Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: "It is mine to avenge; I will repay,"says the Lord."
I was corrupt and decided to be bisexual because of my teenage horomones and lust. Funny how once I decided it, God came and killed that sin from my body and no longer would I ever desire such a destable thing. For the Bible says in 1Corinthians 6:9-11
Do you not know that the wicked will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor male prostitutes nor homosexual offenders nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. And that is what some of you were. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.

And don't tell me, "God made me this way, God made me into being a homosexual" No, SATAN made you that way. And he loves to get people to do things against God, so he has them in his hands. I say this to get you to understand if anyone here is, because I am not afraid to speak what is Truth.
Then people attack the Word and say something like, "Oh, it is only Paul who says that," Paul is an APOSTLE CHOSEN BY GOD, if God knew Paul would speak lies, do you think He would allow Paul to become one in such a HIGH position?! Of course not, do not let yourselves be dece...

Words #2

~Haru-Megami — Wed, 21 Feb 2007 20:46:49 PST

Words #1

Blessed are those in the Name of the Lord who read this and understand
(I get to my points later on )

I noticed yet another evil under the sun...

Living in a house with stupid, foolish, stubborn, lack of understandment, boastful, proud sort of people, is like a stormy rain cloud constantly hovering over your head.
Wicked people are like dogs who never stop barking, and look for the chance to bite your head off without looking.

So here's the story: I'm in my room all day usually, doing what I usually do, trying to use my time wisely and then trying to complete my homework. Well around 6pm my grandma comes in, notices I'm online, but had asked me what I wanted to eat. So I told her a hamburger, but she put the meat in the freezer already, so pizza it was.
2 hours later I hear her babbling loudly as she usually does with my grandpa who is hardheaded and argumentative, she tells him in this aggravated voice, "I TELL U I WILL NOT MAKE N EMORE FOOD 4 DIS HOUSE BCUZ WE HAV THINGZ FRUM LAST NITE NO1 EATZ." (I don't like stuff peppers, she knows that I didn't ask for what she made xX''' ) Then she comes into my room and hands me some pizza and says, "Y R U ON THE COMPUTER? COME OUT OF YOUR ROOM YOU'RE ALWAYZ IN YOUR ROOM, BE LYK A HUMAN, LYK A HUMAN, AND COME OUT" and I asked "Why?? I'm ONLINE DOING MY /HOMEWORK/. Don't you want me to be SMART and EDUCATED?" the she gets all baffled up and says "U NEED 2 KUM OUT" I reply, "For what? To get yelled out?" and she grumbles leaving. I wish I could have had it recorded or something, it doesn't sound as bad when you read it from online, but really, she's always shouting at me. Why would I want to WASTE my time talking to an arragant haughty type person?! Our conversations are meaningless, she thinks selfishly just because she is all in pain with her carpal tunnel (Funny when I come out in the open around her she moans and groans even more.) well I'M in pain too with this pneumonia, but I take motrin so it stops it. But even when I am in pain and she asks how I am I say "I'm okay" because I don't want to be like her complaining all day for the pain I'm in. I'm in a lot of emotional pain, but I heavily lean on my Jesus to help me get through it. And he does.

There's a lot more I could tell you about, but I'd rather not get into it since speaking in journals is all directly... in whatever way.

In James 1:2-7",Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. 4Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. 5If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. 6But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. 7That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; 8he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does."

Though it stinks have some sort of storm come in, it makes us stronger. I've been crying these past few nights, just letting it all out and my problems I tell God. Then when I'm done speaking my Comforter comes in and I feel at peace again. Then some point after that I go to bed.

The Enemy always does whatever he can to take away your dreams sown in your heart, but we must always hang on tight and gain wisdom through it.

But there are those really bad storms we must face, say being abused or this major fight in the family, or with friends, we as Christians may sometimes end up forgetting what we've been taught. All the negative thoughts come to rush in and darkness ends up clouding our view and we just can't see or feel the motives to get back up and know that all things God does is just and righteous, unbelievers can't accept this because they are filled with the spirit of stupid. What God does leads us into shaping ourselves and becoming more devoted and true.

The world we live in now, if you live in the U.S. or a civilized community (where there are no cruel or unusual punishment) we're sincerely BLESSED because way back Christians were persecuted more just for the believing of Christ. With the Romans they'd do such things like strip a woman n...

You know

~Haru-Megami — Tue, 20 Feb 2007 19:38:51 PST

Words #1

You know what I found? How like, people in this family are so stupid and uncaring. I HATE it. How can anyone remain peaceful when these foolish people, my so called "family", especially my own mom and then grandmother and other grandmother and grandpa and my aunt (at least she apologizes usually) ;ldskf'cd;ks;ds'kgsdkfg;ksdf'gv
I'm just so close to breaking down
They never consider my feelings, oh, this burden I've laid upon myself! Curse this tongue! I wish I could never speak; Because words only get you into trouble and words only cause you pain. Oh how I wish I could be deaf! So I could not hear their harsh words, so careless and stupid, oh I wish I could not feel, so I could not feel pain because anymore pain is almost unbearable! (a lot happened today >_> )

No one but God is the one helping me, by humans I am ALONE entirely 100%! And aren't we all in a way? Unless you're like the world, the world loves you as it's own, your joy is here and mine is from up there.

I think I'll just go to the mall tomorrow.
I'll go ride the bus, my grandma will probably give me some money, and I'll bring some sort of happy in my life, people are just so irritating. I can't wait to leave this wicked place, leave this family and settle somewhere else on my own. I just need to get out, I'm trapped in a box (room) literally you could say. My grandma here complains all day about her pain praying to her god who doesn't even do anything. I usually keep my pain to myself, because I hate making people feel bad. (pain like physically, I never talk about my emotional concerns, this family can't and will never understand)

I am like a damsel in distressed, I'm a woman tied by rope onto rail road tracks just waiting for the train to come and run over me! Yes, this is how I feel, but don't we all tend to feel like this ?

My body is so weak, but my spirit longs to go out into the world and make use of itself for Christ! How do you remain peaceful with stupid people? Forgive your brother, love your brother, anyone who cannot do this does not have the Truth within himself!

Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise Him,
My Saviour and my God! psalm 42:5

Soon enough, I'll be free from my tranquilities....:<
Because of all this I'm going through, in the future it'll all be done. And let the Lord's will be done, for me and for everyone else.

Truly, my thinking is as deep as a bottomless pit.

Killed the Lament

~Haru-Megami — Sun, 18 Feb 2007 21:06:53 PST

Words #1

I don't feel disturbed from within anymore. It's a good thing I got online, because, I've been asking God a question. And well, fortunate for me my friend from school IMed me and I ended up figuring it out.
I just felt like, this huge release of sorrow come from out of me. LOL
I make small things so complex. But oh.. this brings so much relief.
I've gotten my answer, and my Comforter has come in. :'>

I make things hard for myself. LOL. I'm so foolish. Or rather.. I look way too deep into things. But I like it, 'cause I come up with ..divine'ish wisdom or yaaa.
Yay, /praises the Lord

Lament

~Haru-Megami — Sun, 18 Feb 2007 18:04:27 PST

Words #1

I hate to be complaining, but I feel so alone. I have.. .soo.. much studying to do, and it feels practically impossible to even try when I'm having this pain. I noticed when I get sick everything gets messed up. And the pneumonia I have is all painful'ish, because my lymphnodes are swollen and it's all pressing up against my rig cage and it's all soree. Something like that, I don't remember how my doctor explained it.
I miss my old doctor, he was all strict about everything, but he was nice, just serious at work. I miss him because he seemed to have taken better care of me, and even when I'm in the hospital now I wouldn't see the nurses as much. It felt even more lonely. See, I'm real shy on asking people anything I'd like or even need. I keep myself quiet, only in hopes that they give to me. Oh how I miss the days of my youth. Where is my dad? Work, work, work. My momma I don't see often, once a week usually, or 2-3 at max, (parents divorced) and seeing her sad (or anyone, rather) makes me sad.
My cousins, all my life I wished I had their life. But in like, envy. Now I still see it the same, but not envious I'd call it, but because they have parents who take care of them.
But I have to take care of myself.

I hate being here at my grandparents. My spirit is weak within right now, any harsh words they pour on me hurt me from within. The anguish I carry, I pour it out to Jesus whenever it comes. My Comforter comes, but I am told to "wait." Time and God are the only things that will heal me.

I think my main problem is I'm physically alone. I love my friends online, it helps getting praises of what I do. But I'm so broken hearted, I have no choice but to wait because I am sick, and I'm not in public school. Even though he said many months ago we'd still talk, he couldn't even do the least of that. But I guess it's a good thing, in a way. Oh, I cannot hold it against him.

I feel so down I can't even try doing my homework. I wish I had somebody to help me out. It's hard teaching yourself. Then I look to the future and imagine how I'll be forced into doing things on my own, and cancer took nearly 3 years of lacking H.S. And it hurts to be a year behind. I feel like time is running out.

I don't want to go back as a "senior" and sit there trying to absorb what they're teaching if it's beyond my level. I can just imagine the reading levels. Ugh. It's... just so difficult.
It's like there's whatever happiness during the day, but as soon as night falls I am weeping in sorrow. I also found in myself I like to give better than receiving. In the past I was always so greedy for things, I didn't really care so much about the next person.
It's funny because, I'm a slow person I guess, with things I do right now, probably because I am sick. Yet I'm here in my mind trying to race to the finish. I'm a hypocrite, I don't even take heart to my own advice. Baby steps, right? Though it'll take long, I just don't want to end up like an idiot.
Meh, even if I tried doing my homework now since my grandpa here is all deaf with the TV on all loud, I can't concentrate. I seriously need complete silence. Then there's that dumb dog, ever since my grandma started giving her treats IN the kitchen, she starts to bark like constantly. I hate it. She used to be all quiet, now she's just annoying to me.

I don't regret anything in this life, without it, I wouldn't be the kind of person I am today, and I thank God for this.
Anyway... it's just a real hit in the head and a stab to the heart when you have no one to even talk to on the phone, or meeting up with somewhere. There's no one, no one.
Yet even at this, I know I am still blessed. If my grandparents didn't care or anyone else I'd give away a bunch of things to those who are needy. Though I don't understand all the secrets of my own heart, I'm leaning on this verse for comfort:

"He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away." (Revelation 21:4)

Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning..