http://search.deviantart.com/?q=by:Howlerwolfe&section=today deviantART RSS for by:Howlerwolfe en-us Copyright 2009, deviantART.com Tue, 29 Dec 2009 14:20:40 PST deviantART.com http://blogs.law.harvard.edu/tech/rss http://s.deviantart.com/minish/widgets/apple-touch-icon-precomposed.png http://Howlerwolfe.deviantart.com/journal/28949031/ http://Howlerwolfe.deviantart.com/journal/28949031/ Mon, 14 Dec 2009 18:40:04 PST
I've gotten a job, moved into an apartment with a roommate, have been dancing myself silly at the studio, singing myself to death at church (both on worship team and for the musical we just had), painting large murals at my church as well, and just surviving normal life without the use of internet.

So sorry I've been so inactive... I don't get many chances to jump online for long periods of time...

Soon, I will be writing a much needed book about it all and will post it.

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PS -
God has been really at work, doing amazing things and this Christmas I feel like I've noticed it in a very different way. Be blessed you all!

And remember, there is no "Christmas" without Christ! For He is the reason for the season!

]]> ~Howlerwolfe http://Howlerwolfe.deviantart.com/journal/27553881/ http://Howlerwolfe.deviantart.com/journal/27553881/ Sat, 03 Oct 2009 08:16:11 PDT
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Yesterday was kind of a tough day... The last journal I wrote was a response that I gave to a Christian struggling with sexual identity issues and I can't believe the amount of flack I've received from writing it. But I was so blessed while writing it because I knew that the Holy Spirit was so present in it all, and I was just so filled with joy to cheer a brother/sister on in their struggle... but I can't believe how other people, people who I wasn't even really addressing, have attacked it like a pack of wolves. And what I've noticed is that they aren't even attacking the scripture or the parts that hold a lot of weight, but attacking me personally.

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“Everyone who does evil hates the light, and will not come into the light for fear that his deeds will be exposed. But whoever lives by the truth comes into the light, so that it may be seen plainly that what he has done has been done through God.”- John 3:20-21

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The bridge between saying, "This is my struggle and I urge you to draw close to the Lord for he is holy, and I remind you with this, be encouraged and take heart," to receive such comments as, "Your a child molester in the making," and "You are a self hater, and it's sick," or "You've probably put your faith in a man who isn't as great as everyone has made him out to be." I guess I just don't understand how people are so aggressive in their justification of sin.

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"But I tell you who hear me: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you." ~ Luke 6:27-28

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I dunno, I've been fighting my want to be really angry and depressed, for you speak truth into someones life and receive the most bitter spirits in return. It makes you think a lot more about what Jesus went through... as well as the Prophets and Disciples.

It hurts a lot to have people tear into your life and touch on subjects that I myself don't even quite understand... My struggle with bisexuality started when I was 5... I don't understand why that was, but I still remember both the drive and the shame even back then. So, I have sympathy with many about questioning how that works, but I don't know either. But just cause something unexplained has happened in my life doesn't make me a liar. Makes me curious about how they would respond if I told them about my encounters with demons and angels would go about... let alone my encounters with the living God himself.

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"So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded. You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised." ~ Hebrews 10:35-36

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In spite of it all, I really am blessed. The Lord knows what's going on inside, and his blood still is covering our sin, forever past, present, and future! Be totally blessed today, for it is a day that the Lord has made especially for us all!

In Christ Jesus,
Matthew Palfenier

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~Rules~

NONE! Because I've descided to gift people with features!

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1. ; [link] / [link] / [link]

For some time now Keith has been a good online bud, and while I know we aren't the closest of online friends, his work is some of the most simple, powerful, and soft-spoken imagery that I know of. His photography is dynamic, sometimes bursting with color, but very gentle in presentation and quite often I find his work emotional, among being spiritual. I guess I would say that his work is "personal," and reflective of something close to home. His digital pieces are also phenomenal... From a technical standpoint, I have had no experience with digital renderings, but from an artists point of view, the layers and unique presentation of his digital works are beautiful and flow with some kind of natural poetry that many artists strive to achieve, but few ever do...

Revelation 12:11 ~ "They overcame him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony; they did not love their lives so much as to shrink from death." ~Howlerwolfe http://Howlerwolfe.deviantart.com/journal/27518626/ http://Howlerwolfe.deviantart.com/journal/27518626/ Thu, 01 Oct 2009 09:56:43 PDT
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The scenario was concerning a Christian believer who is struggling with sexual identity issues. They were met with many responses from non-Christians, Christians spreading false doctrine, as well as some good encouragement. I wrote my first response as a letter of encouragement for them to continue to draw near to Christ and keep walking on the narrow road. I got a response from a different person addressing my opinion, and finally there is my rebuke and encouragement to both (and especially believers).

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My first response:

Take the narrow road and never settle for less.

I've struggled with being bisexual/homosexual for 17 years, and it has never proved to be worth the trouble of going with what I feel (I've lived it, experienced all it has to offer, and the result was a truckload of pain in exchange for a moment of pleasure). I believe that God has a lot of things to say about sexuality in his Word, and though I'm only 22, God has spoken to me about this issue many times, and it's my personal conviction that acting upon it greatly impacts my relationship with my Dad (Jesus Christ).

I just want to encourage you on in your walk with Jesus Christ (assuming you know him), and not seek earthly wisdom from people who are bound to point you in the direction of the world and its earthly desires...

Christ asks us, out of our love for him, to die to ourselves and live as a living sacrifice... which is not an easy road, nor is it for the faint of heart. Though I must admit, your faith in Christ alone is what saves you. Regardless of your conviction about such subjects, the power that is found in the blood of Jesus Christ is able to change things that you may feel cannot be changed. But remember, the Lord fearfully and wonderfully made you, knitting together your inmost being... He knew you before the creation of the world.

Run to Christ and don't look back... Seek out Jesus and the Kingdom of Heaven first and changes will come...

In Christ Jesus (... "I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.")
Matthew Palfenier

~~~ BE ENCOURAGED!!! ~~~

Matthew 5:8 - “Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God.”

Matthew 7:13-14 - "Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it.”

John 10:10 - “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.”

Philippians 4:8 - “Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.”

1 John 4:4 - “You, dear children, are from God and have overcome them, because the one who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world.”

Hebrews 2:18 - “Because he himself suffered when he was tempted, he is able to help those who are being tempted.”

Galatians 6:1 - “Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted.”

Ephesians 5:1-12 - "Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God. But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God's holy people. Nor should there be obscenity, foolish talk or coarse joking, which are out of place, but rather thanksgiving. For of this you can be sure: No immoral, impure or greedy person—such a man is an idolater—has any inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and of God. Let no one deceive you with empty words, for because of such things God's wrath comes on those who are disobedient. Therefore do not be partners with them. For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Live as children of light (for the fruit of the light consists in all goodness, righteousness and truth) and find out what pleases the Lord. Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them."

Leviticus 18:22 and 24-29 - “Do not lie with a man as one lies with a woman; that is detestable.' ... 'Do not defile yourselves in any of these ways,... ]]> ~Howlerwolfe http://Howlerwolfe.deviantart.com/journal/27477957/ http://Howlerwolfe.deviantart.com/journal/27477957/ Mon, 28 Sep 2009 22:18:37 PDT
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"The Light"
Lyrics by Brandon Heath
Choreography by Chara Christian Dance Company

[link]

Verse 1:
The hand that feeds the fire
The lips that taste the smoke
All together once again
The moon that hangs so pale
The dark that makes you choke
Comes to cover you again

Verse 2:
The will that knows no end
The eyes that see your heart
Come to look on you once more
The word that shakes the ground
The voice that clams the sea
Stands knocking at your door

Chorus:
Stay close you people with your broken hearts
I stand before you as a witness
Hold tight to the man that stands in front of you
As we move toward the light

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I am constantly amazed by how faithful God is through our times of doubt and weakness. His love, the love of Jesus Christ that was displayed before all men on the cross of Calvary never quits, never tires, never weakens, and never fails. The perfect love of Jesus drives out all fear indeed, for his love, his passion, is the purest water we can ever drink from... 1 Corinthians has it better than anything I could ever come up with:

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails." ~ 1 Corinthians 13:4-8

Over the past few weeks I have noticed a severe increase in the spiritual warfare in my own personal life, as well as the lives of those around me, and it's often disconcerting to me. As I observe my life and ask the Spirit to reveal the faults of my life, he is never slow or late to hold up the mirror showing me who it is I really am... and sometimes I buckle under the weight of what I see. The demons who stand by and watch then seize their opportunity to shove my face in my shame and guilt till I'm absolutely immobile and useless for the Kingdom of God. Idols, impurity, bitterness, hatred, greed, resentment, thievery, infidelity, gossip, slander, pride... the list continues to grow...

But in spite of my failings, God has been calling me home like he has always been faithful to do. For I am a stupid, hard-headed, and hard-hearted sheep who has wandered away from the narrow path, and he as my Good Shepherd, has come for me... Praise be to the God on High! Despite my tragedy, the glory of the Lord continues to shine through, and I wish to give him the praise that he deserves! I desire to be made clean again... I'm saddened when my flesh cries out with anguish, to the world which the Spirit so longs to distance itself from, yet my Spirit longs to draw near to God and his glorious presence. I'm torn... broken... God, my Abba Father, make me whole.

I know, and I believe he's quick to answer...

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"Warfare"
by Ingredients Christian Dance Company

[link]

Scriptures:
"For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope that creation will be liberated from it's bondage (to the King) and brought into the glorious freedom of the children of God! In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! For I have overcome the world. In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will. What, then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us? Put on the full armor of God. For God did not give us a spirit of fear, but of power, of love, and of sound mind. The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. For everyone born of God overcomes the world. This is the victory that has overcome the world, even our faith. Who is it that overcomes the world? Only he who believes that Jesus is the Son of God!

The kingdom of heaven has suffered violence, and the violent take it by force.

Death, confusion, fear, division, insecurity, sickness, fallacy, incidents, belief, religion, loneliness, discouragement, hurting nations, vie... ]]> ~Howlerwolfe http://Howlerwolfe.deviantart.com/journal/27477940/ http://Howlerwolfe.deviantart.com/journal/27477940/ Mon, 28 Sep 2009 22:17:25 PDT ~ Exodus 9:16

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Over the past few weeks, there has been a common message being spoken to me. Lord, Jehovah God, the King, the Master, the Lamb that was Slain... He alone has the POWER! His WILL is SOVEREIGN! He has a MISSION! And he wants each and every single person to come to him in awestruck wonder, because he has revealed the Mystery to us. Incredible...

I've never been much of a person who saw a whole lot of value in the rhetorical practice of legalistic praying... So, the "Lord's Prayer" has never particularly interested me. It is so casually quoted by both Christians and non-Christians all over our country, and across the world, that it has lost some of its absolute majesty in the grander scheme of things.

In meditating on this passage, there is so much to ponder... so much that my mind is unable to grasp. Some things seem so simple, and some things really challenge my faith... but it is so undeniably POWERFUL that I felt compelled to write about it.

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The Lord’s Prayer

"Our Father in heaven, hallowed be your name, your kingdom come, your will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Give us today our daily bread. Forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors. And lead us not into temptation, but DELIVER US FROM THE EVIL ONE." [For thine is the KINGDOM, the POWER, and the GLORY, FOR EVER AND EVER, AMEN.]
~ Matthew 6:9-13

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"Our Father..."

Coming out of a broken home, the search for a father figure has been incredibly important. My earthly Dad, whom I now (with the help of Jesus) am learning to value and see for the God-given gift that he is, was somewhat absent in my life growing up. I got to see him from time to time, but that male role model was missing for the better part of my childhood (I hold no bitterness towards his absence and I forgive him whole heatedly in the name of Jesus Christ)... I missed having him for the little things, for those times where I feel that it really would have mattered to have him around. In those times, when I felt that I had no one to go out before me and lead, when there was no one to help me pick up the pieces, when I was lost and couldn't find my way home, when I was crushed by the demons and evil spirits, or lying on the floor at the foot of a bed where I had given myself away to a man whom I should have never given my all too... that is really when my Abba Father stepped in. He did show up and go out before me as my Jehovah-Nissi (Lord my Banner), he was there to help me pick up the pieces as Jehovah-Rophe (Lord my Healer), he was there to lead me home as Jehovah-Rohi (Lord my Shepherd), he was their to protect me from the Evil One's army as Jehovah-Magen (Lord my Shield), Jehovah-Gador Milchamah (Lord my Might in Battle), and Jehovah-Ma'oz (Lord my Fortress), and he was there with me at my all time low beckoning me to come back to him as Jehovah-M'gaddishcem (Lord my Sanctifier). My Abba Father, my Dad who is above all things was with me through it all... and continues to be my Father today as Jehovah-Shammah (Lord Present).

I love my earthly dad, I always will. There is nothing he can do to harm me; nothing he can do will ever make me stop loving him, because my Heavenly Father is by my side.

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“… in heaven…”

“In the beginning God created the HEAVENS and the earth.”
~ Genesis 1:1

Have you ever thought of the absolute grandeur of those first ten words? How big is this God we worship? None of us can comprehend… He is omnipotent (unlimited in his POWER), omnipresent (everywhere at the same time), omniscient (all knowing), omnificent (all creative and able to fix that which needs fixing), and he resides in a very special place where his glory shines for eternity!

So many of us long for Heaven, and I think both Christians and non-Christians, have a built in desire to be with the Lord (we were made to glorify Him after all). I have been watching the anime Wolf’s Rain recently, and I could not stop thinking about this search for heaven as I’ve been going through the series. The story is build on a pack of wolves and their search for "paradise." Many along their journey have searched for this transcendent plane, but just like the ‘narrow gate,’ few are able to find it (Matthew 7:13-14). This appetite is further explored in a new book that one of my friends has recommended for me to read… it is called “The Final Quest.” The series of three books journaling one man’s (Rick Joyner) visionary encounters with God in Heaven… this passage was highlighted by the time I got the book from my friend:

“You have tasted of the heaven... ]]> ~Howlerwolfe http://Howlerwolfe.deviantart.com/journal/24820255/ http://Howlerwolfe.deviantart.com/journal/24820255/ Mon, 18 May 2009 10:55:26 PDT

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Sorry, for not replying sooner. It has been quite some time since I've logged in on here, and only got this message a few days ago but have been pretty busy with things (being the end of the year and mother's day etc)...

And this question is not too personal at all. I wouldn't post it if it were something I minded talking about. Just a warning, this is a very complicated issue with many, many, many angles to which to approach it, and because of that, I probably will be addressing multiple issues all within the same lines of thought at a time. So, just know that there may be parts of this that aren't very clear.

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Well, to answer your questions as fully as I can, you have to know a little more about me and where I have been in my past, as well as what it is that I believe.

I was very young when I started to realize that I had this tendency to like men. It goes back to the age of five for me... a relatively young age for anyone to start thinking about their sexuality in my opinion, but it was a particularly traumatic time in my life where my parents divorced and my father walked out on our family. This also is a critical age for children to grow their relationships with their parents, which greatly influences their moral system and how they develop identity roles.

There are many theories as to why people turn out they way they do, and while many people believe (specifically the Christian subculture) that people choose (100% of the time) to engage in the lifestyle. For instance that they are all straight and then randomly one day wake up wanting to be gay, but the truth is that not everyone chooses to have the tendency / natural bent toward it. Though, I agree that the choice does come with wither or not the person fallows through with their feelings / convictions or not.

For many, like in my situation, I believe the bent was created through the rejection of men in my life. Though I do not remember when the actual thought process came into play... I wanted to know that I could be valued and accepted, loved by men, and the easiest way to do that is through physicality. If they physically abused me it seemed appropriate to communicate my emotions on a physical level too.

Unfortunately, on an emotional level, I have a very hard time connecting and letting men into my world because I don't trust them, but I, more in the past than now, attribute pain to be the cause for my attraction to men. Women are the opposite. Emotionally, it takes no effort to connect with them, but I have a hard time being physically involved with them.

Anyways, another huge component to the issue, at least in my case (and I believe to be in many men's cases period), is pornography. Up until recent years, all pornography was geared for and by men. Obviously the women are generally what men are lusting over, but it is not without company of men. For many probably don't think about it much, but not only are you taking in the imagery of the female, but the male as well. My father was the one who introduced me to pornography, and while originally there were no men, men got introduced as I became more and more addicted (just like any gateway drug). The need for women quickly became boring and / or didn't interest me as much, because I had love from them. I either needed to see men and women together or just men, because I was seeking acceptance from them and had very few of them in my life.

It didn't take very long of doing my own searching to find that the act of just men wasn't enough, but that it interested me to see men involved with other men because I was a male seeking love from men.

While each of these, rejection of men and the introduction of pornography, had major influences on the outlook I had with men, but the most fundamental root, rejection, was still the main culprit.

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Secondly, I am a person of faith, who believes that Jesus Christ is the one and only way through whom one may receive salvation. I believe that the Bible is the inherent, God-breathed, special revelation that God gave us, so that we may have a chance to commune with him in a relationship within the Godhead. I will be the first to admit that I have an incredibly hard time following even the most basic of commands that God has instilled for his people. But I whole-heartedly believe that as a follower of Jesus Christ, that I have been called to live by a much higher standard, so that others may to believe and see the po... ]]> ~Howlerwolfe http://Howlerwolfe.deviantart.com/journal/24460097/ http://Howlerwolfe.deviantart.com/journal/24460097/ Mon, 27 Apr 2009 09:51:24 PDT
If you would like to take this assessment, go to: [link] (our church website), and go to the right hand side to "Get plugged in," and scroll down to "Spiritual Gifts Test." You will have to make an account consisting of a login and password, but that's it. No other strings attached.

God bless,
Matthew Palfenier

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S-P-I-R-I-T-U-A-L
G-I-F-T-S
A-S-S-E-S-S-M-E-N-T

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
~ ~ ~ .G.R.A.C.E .G.I.F.T. .R.E.S.U.L.T.S. ~ ~ ~
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(Results out of highest possible value equaling 10; top 6 gifts out of listed 17 possible)

CREATIVITY - 9
It is in God’s nature to be creative. Therefore, when the Holy Spirit imparts personality and Spiritual Gifts to God’s people, it should not be a surprise to anyone that God would also impart this divine attribute. Ephesians 2:10 tells us that “…we are God’s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do”. While this passage applies to all Christ Followers, it clearly refers to God as a “creative workman”. This passage also suggests that when God equips a person to be creative, it is because He desires that creative person to use those abilities to accomplish specific ordained purposes. Colossians 1:15 and 16 affirm that God created all things…and that all things were created “for” Him.

DISCIPLE MAKER - 8
A person possessing the gift of Disciple Maker is generally concerned with the healthy spiritual development of people within their circle of influence. A Disciple Maker will often display the ministry traits of Pastor and Teacher. The Disciple Maker prefers to minister to small groups or within a one-on-one mentoring relationship. The Disciple Maker is skilled at developing deep interpersonal relationships, values biblical knowledge, and likes to help others identify and achieve spiritual development goals.

ENCOURAGEMENT - 7
A person possessing the gift of encouragement has a unique ability to help others gain a positive emotional and spiritual perspective on their circumstances. Encouragers are people who find the positive in any situation. For them, “the glass is always half full”. Encouragers are at their best when they can motivate the assembly of Christ Followers to persevere in the struggle against sin and to strive for the accomplishment of God’s mission for the Church. The word Encouragement means “to instill courage into another person”.

Romans 12:8 and Hebrews 10:24, 25 instructs all Christ Followers to “encourage one another”. This gift of encouragement is clearly exemplified in the life of a man named Joseph. Joseph is first mentioned in Acts 4:36 and 37. In this account we learn that Joseph sold all that he had and laid the money at the feet of the Apostles. From that time on, Joseph’s name was changed to “Barnabas” which means “Son of Encouragement”. In Acts 9:26 and 27 we learn that when all the disciples were afraid of Paul (Saul) and questioned whether his conversion was real, it was Barnabas that risked his own life to visit Paul and to introduce him to the body of believers. In Acts 13, the Holy Spirit instructed the Church at Antioch to set apart Paul and Barnabas for a special missionary work…and so Barnabas became Paul’s ministry partner.

FAITH - 7
Every Christ Follower has established a relationship with God through faith in the work and person of Jesus Christ. However, the gift of Faith enables a person to trust God even more so for remarkable provision, especially in circumstances that appears to offer no viable solution. The person gifted with Faith often displays unusual confidence in the will and purposes of God. Such a gifted person exhibits a lack of anxiety and communicates to others peace and assurance. People gifted with Faith may become frustrated with others, or with their church leaders, for moving too slowly or for supporting a limited vision or easily obtained goals. People gifted with Faith just know that God wants to do more through us than we could think or imagine (Ephesians 3:20).

DISCERNING OF SPIRITS - 6
Spiritual Discernment is a special ability to be aware of the presence of godly and demonic spiritual forces. The gift of Spiritual Discernment is an important gift for the Church; because often the work of Satan can appear on the surface to be very positive. Without discernment, Satan could easily lead many people away from following Christ. 1 Corinthians 12:10 specifically lists “Discerning of Spirits” among the Apostle Paul’s gift list. 1 John 4:1-6 instructs the Church to “test the spirits”. Acts 16:16-19 relates how the Apostle Paul used the gift of “Discerning of Spirits” when he encountered a s... ]]> ~Howlerwolfe http://Howlerwolfe.deviantart.com/journal/24210270/ http://Howlerwolfe.deviantart.com/journal/24210270/ Sun, 12 Apr 2009 21:19:40 PDT
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Today was Easter (or rather yesterday). A day we celebrate the greatest gift ever given. For it is on this day that we celebrate the one true risen LORD and Savior, Jesus Christ. The one who was entirely God and fully man, who was born of the virgin, who lived a life fully submissive to the Father, was without sin, healed the sick, fed the poor, challenged the state, forgave the sins of man, spoke with the utmost authority, testified to the TRUTH, endured unspeakable torture, died on the cross, conquered death itself, and rose from the dead, so that man might have fellowship with the Father and be freed of the sin, pain, and death of this life. AMEN!!!

I must say, there is no greater story in all of history, than this... and in a culture where so many are questioning and trying to snuff out the Truth, I cannot deny the power of the Word and God's Holy Spirit to still change lives amidst the confusion that we today. We had 7 people accept Christ as their King today from the morning service alone, and 5 more men accepted Christ earlier this week! It's incredible (thinking about it, I'm constantly in awe)... We've seen almost 70 people just this year alone (since Dec 1st) come to Christ!!!

God you are so amazing!

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I'm really tired, and am probably going to fall asleep soon... so I will update this next section tomorrow, hopefully, with some of what God has been doing more specifically in my life.

Ciao for now, and God bless!

]]> ~Howlerwolfe http://Howlerwolfe.deviantart.com/journal/21316935/ http://Howlerwolfe.deviantart.com/journal/21316935/ Tue, 04 Nov 2008 11:55:45 PST
The work that Christ has done in my life, is only something that a supernatural and Holy God could have done. He has saved me from my self, from the world, given me freedom to live life and have it to the full!

The Gospel needs to be spoken, and I'm gonna live it LOUD!

]]> ~Howlerwolfe http://Howlerwolfe.deviantart.com/journal/21200262/ http://Howlerwolfe.deviantart.com/journal/21200262/ Tue, 28 Oct 2008 11:06:33 PDT
^_^ God is good, even if it's cold out.

I'm happily awaiting to go to dance class tonight! Yay!

That be all I think.

]]> ~Howlerwolfe http://Howlerwolfe.deviantart.com/journal/20533755/ http://Howlerwolfe.deviantart.com/journal/20533755/ Wed, 17 Sep 2008 08:10:15 PDT
OH DUH!!! BIG NEWS: Shelly and Mckenzie's story was on the news a few days ago! Here is the link to the story!!! -------> [link]

OH GOD YOU ARE SO AWESOME!!!

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Oh well, things have been going pretty smoothly over the past few weeks. While constantly checking and modifying my relationship with my Heavenly Father, I am trying to get into the larger swing of things of getting my weekly routines down. Life has been a little crazy...

Mondays I am usually at GBC taking photos and hanging out with people. Normally, I would go to Men's Bible study, but I've been enrolled in a dance studio and now am dancing from 7:30-8:30pm... During that bible study time. XP

Tuesdays I am once again at GBC doing more of the same, but from 4:30-6:30pm I am back at the dance studio.

Wednesdays are less hectic in that I only have Worship Team rehearsals from 7:30-10pm.

Thursday is the day I'm a little peeved about, because for a while we dropped 180 bible study from the schedule, but now it is coming back (AND with both Pastor Gary and his wife Becky teaching)... BUT NOOOO!!! I have dance class during that time... >.< ARGH! Tis be frustrating cause I MISS 180 bible study!

Fridays are still pretty open, 180 kids getting together to hang out when we can, and me just relaxing throughout the day.

Saturday, NOTHING EVER happens. *thumbs up*

And Sunday, the busiest and most amazing day of the week by FAR!!! Whoot! If I had it my way, EVERYDAY would be a Sunday! XD

---

We have our 3rd ministry group meeting coming up on the 23rd. Which I am very excited about indeed. And Joe and I are constantly throwing back and forth ideas for the dance ministry that has finally started to roll! There is a lot of talk right now about future mission trips and out reach plans and we are all very excited about it! Toronto, Chicago, New York, Detroit, there are many places on the list, along with some talk of traveling to Mexico and other much farther destinations.

---

Oh, and speaking of destinations and the photos that I am uploading currently, I have once again got word that there is a group traveling to Israel this next summer! XD I'm soo stoked! We were supposed to go this summer, but there wasn't enough interest in the class and thus was canceled. But this coming summer, we are on a schedule good to go! Whoot! I am very excited!

---

Wow... that turned into more of an update than I was planning... Hehe.

]]> ~Howlerwolfe http://Howlerwolfe.deviantart.com/journal/20271763/ http://Howlerwolfe.deviantart.com/journal/20271763/ Mon, 01 Sep 2008 12:38:22 PDT
"Oh My God" by Jars of Clay

Oh my God, look around this place
Your fingers reach around the bone
You set the break and set the tone
Flights of grace, and future falls
In present pain
All fools say, "Oh my God"

Oh my God, Why are we so afraid?
We make it worse when we don't bleed
There is no cure for our disease
Turn a phrase, and rise again
Or fake your death and only tell your closest friend
Oh my God.

Oh my God, can I complain?
You take away my firm belief and graft my soul upon your grief
Weddings, boats and alibis
All drift away, and a mother cries

Liars and fools; sons and failures
Thieves will always say
Lost and found; ailing wanderers
Healers always say
Whores and angels; men with problems
Leavers always say
Broken hearted; separated
Orphans always say
War creators; racial haters
Preachers always say
Distant fathers; fallen warriors
Givers always say
Pilgrim saints; lonely widows
Users always say
Fearful mothers; watchful doubters
Saviors always say

Sometimes I cannot forgive
And these days, mercy cuts so deep
If the world was how it should be, maybe I could get some sleep
While I lay, I dream we're better,
Scales were gone and faces light
When we wake, we hate our brother
We still move to hurt each other
Sometimes I can close my eyes,
And all the fear that keeps me silent falls below my heavy breathing,
What makes me so badly bent?
We all have a chance to murder
We all feel the need for wonder
We still want to be reminded that the pain is worth the thunder

Sometimes when I lose my grip, I wonder what to make of heaven
All the times I thought to reach up
All the times I had to give
Babies underneath their beds
Hospitals that cannot treat all the wounds that money causes,
All the comforts of cathedrals
All the cries of thirsty children - this is our inheritance
All the rage of watching mothers - this is our greatest offense

Oh my God
Oh my God
Oh my God

]]> ~Howlerwolfe http://Howlerwolfe.deviantart.com/journal/20180703/ http://Howlerwolfe.deviantart.com/journal/20180703/ Wed, 27 Aug 2008 08:31:58 PDT
"That which was from the beginning, which we have heard, which we have seen with our eyes, which we have looked at and our hands have touched — this we proclaim concerning the Word of life. The life appeared; we have seen it and testify to it, and we proclaim to you the eternal life, which was with the Father and has appeared to us. We proclaim to you what we have seen and heard, so that you also may have fellowship with us. And our fellowship is with the Father and with his Son, Jesus Christ. We write this to make our joy complete.

WALKING IN THE LIGHT

"This is the message we have heard from him and declare to you: God is light; in him there is no darkness at all. If we claim to have fellowship with him yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not live by the truth. But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin.

"If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. If we claim we have not sinned, we make him out to be a liar and his word has no place in our lives."

---

As I was reading through this chapter this morning there was so much going on in my head that I didn't really know what to make of it. So, I'm kind of writing this partly to help clear my thinking out... I'm sorry if my thinking is very scattered, but I hope that I can articulate my thoughts as closely and correctly as God allows me to...

---

Honestly, I feel more drawn to the second half of the chapter right off the bat. There are a few reasons: First, I was at Men's Bible study on Monday, and our memory verse was this:

"The LORD detests lying lips, but he delights in men who are truthful." ~ Proverbs 12:22

For me personally, a red flag went up the second I read verse 6 of this chapter (1 John), which says: "If we claim to have fellowship with him yet walk in the darkness, we LIE and DO NOT LIVE BY THE TRUTH."

In the past month or so, this is something that I have been struggling with... and consequently it has been in the forefront of my thinking a lot. I go to my church, fake the part, come home, and live how I wish. Indulging in the world, not reading the Word, not talking with my Father, watching things that make me feel wretched, saying things that I wish not come out of my mouth, dwelling on things that are harmful to my relationship with my Holy God, etc. It's a struggle to live the life I so desire to live, behind the closed doors of home (Nice transition God, thank you).

Secondly, my last journal shared the verse:

"Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says." ~ James 1:22

I chuckle, as I realize that this is also talked about in this chapter of 1 John. It says in verse 8: "If we claim to be without sin, we DECEIVE OURSELVES and the TRUTH is not in us."

This is so interesting to me because on Sunday, we were in Romans Chapter 7 (another book I have referenced often in my journals). This chapter is so vital because it talks about how even Paul struggled with two different natures. The Holy Spirit that comes with the acceptance of God's free gift, and the Sinful, Evil nature that is a result of the fall of Adam. Which of course just translates directly into my life, as if God is saying, *knockknocknock* "Heeeeelllloooooooooo! Got your attention now?"

... So over the past several minutes my thinking has gotten very distracted... *sigh* ... So I'm just gonna stop here for now, and return later to sort out some more...

]]> ~Howlerwolfe http://Howlerwolfe.deviantart.com/journal/20139348/ http://Howlerwolfe.deviantart.com/journal/20139348/ Sun, 24 Aug 2008 21:58:34 PDT
---

Simple yet convicting... A powerful verse indeed.

I've been challenged in so many ways this week to not settle for comfort in my walk, to not be the mediocre disciple I sometimes wish to be... NEVER settle, NEVER give up, DO what God says, and LIVE THE LIFE OUT LOUD!

As Chad said tonight, "If you talk the talk, you better walk the walk."

]]> ~Howlerwolfe http://Howlerwolfe.deviantart.com/journal/20048189/ http://Howlerwolfe.deviantart.com/journal/20048189/ Tue, 19 Aug 2008 19:27:33 PDT
I've lived 21 years. In these 21 years of life I have endured a lot. I've been blessed in some very special ways...

Seen the world; 10 countries, 4 continents...
Had a professional career as a vocal musician...
Recorded a minimum of 7 classical CDs...
Been involved in radio and television...
Performed with several world class symphonies...
Was ranked the #1 artist in my high school...
Working in ministry at my church...
Sharing voices with a very godly young woman...
Dancing with a very godly young man...
Has been surrounded by godly people, period...
Saved by the blood of Jesus Christ...

... yet I have endured some of the most vicious evil anyone could face...

Abandonment on two accounts...
Demonic oppression on 3 accounts...
18 years of fighting homo/bisexual tendencies...
Fought serious illness including insanity...
Abused physically and verbally...
Am no longer pure for my future wife...
Am tormented by demons and thoughts...
Fall to addictions of lust and greed...
Am a servant of envy...
Attempted suicide on multiple occasions...

Both of these lists continue on and on... But the most important of any of these:

Saved by the blood of Jesus Christ.

So rarely do I feel my humanness so strong. And it is shocking to me that with all that I have seen, felt, tasted, and smelled, only one could bear that weight... and it isn't me. Nor any man born of Adam... but by a spotless Lamb.

God wants to use, love, protect, have all of me?

The Gentile?
The pagan?
The poor?
The adulterer?
The broken?
The idolater?
The proud?
The shameful?
The weak?
The fallen?

It just makes my heart weep with pain... How could my God, my Daddy (Abba Father), love me so much?

We are all broken... You wanna complain about one who should never have seen the mercy and grace of the One and Holy God... But God sees past the brokenness to see what is useful. When he fixes us, we are made whole. No man can fix what is broken, but I know my Dad can.

I can say I am many things... but this is what I know:

I am fearfully and wonderfully made, knit delicately in the womb, to be a man who's heart breaks for the hurting, whom cries for those in pain, whom wants everyone to feel the hope and peace that only my Dad can give, whom looks past the sin of others and loves unconditionally...

JUST AS MY FATHER HAS LOVED, AND CONTINUES TO LOVE ME... IN WHATEVER STATE I'M IN.

Daddy, NEVER stop loving your people...

---

I know I've blogged this song before... but it is all that is holding my heart together right now. I hope it is an encouragement to a certain friend who has endured so much and continues to be so amazingly strong...

---

What can take a dying man
And raise him up to life again?
What can heal the wounded soul?
What can make us white as snow?
What can fill the emptiness?
What can mend our brokenness? Brokenness?

Mighty, awesome, wonderful
Is the Holy cross.
Where the Lamb lay down His life
To lift us from the fall.
Mighty is the power of the cross.

What restores our faith in God?
What reveals the Father's love?
What can lead the wayward home?
What can melt a heart of stone?
What can free the guilty ones?
What can save and overcome? Overcome?

Mighty, awesome, wonderful
Is the Holy cross.
Where the Lamb lay down His life
To lift us from the fall.
Mighty is the power of the cross.

It's a miracle to me
It's a miracle to me
It's still a mystery
And it's still a mystery
It's a miracle to me
The power of God
Those who believe

Mighty, awesome, wonderful
Is the Holy cross.
Where the Lamb lay down His life
To lift us from the fall.

Oh and mighty, awesome, wonderful
Is the Holy cross.
Where the Lamb lay down His life
To lift us from the fall.
Mighty is the power of...
Mighty is the power of...
Mighty is the power of the cross.

Thank You for the cross.
Thank You for the cross.
I love the cross.
I love the cross.
It's a powerful cross.

What can take a dying man (thank You Jesus)
And raise him up to life again? (thank You Jesus)
Worship You Jesus (wonderful cross)
By Your wounds we are healed
By Your wounds we are saved

Mighty is the power of the cross (echo)
Mighty is the power of the cross (echo)
Thank You Jesus
For the Holy cross

]]> ~Howlerwolfe http://Howlerwolfe.deviantart.com/journal/19792963/ http://Howlerwolfe.deviantart.com/journal/19792963/ Tue, 05 Aug 2008 15:15:01 PDT
I cannot give God enough praise... I'm so finite, I cannot even beat my own heart without him. He is the ultimate example of patience and forgiveness. He is everything to me... and I feel it when I walk away... But there he is, my Daddy, ready to take me back when I return to his arms and his love.

]]> ~Howlerwolfe http://Howlerwolfe.deviantart.com/journal/19612068/ http://Howlerwolfe.deviantart.com/journal/19612068/ Sat, 26 Jul 2008 19:02:08 PDT
---

What can take a dying man
And raise him up to life again?
What can heal the wounded soul?
What can make us white as snow?
What can fill the emptiness?
What can mend our brokenness? Brokenness?

Mighty, awesome, wonderful
Is the Holy cross.
Where the Lamb lay down His life
To lift us from the fall.
Mighty is the power of the cross.

What restores our faith in God?
What reveals the Father's love?
What can lead the wayward home?
What can melt a heart of stone?
What can free the guilty ones?
What can save and overcome? Overcome?

Mighty, awesome, wonderful
Is the Holy cross.
Where the Lamb lay down His life
To lift us from the fall.
Mighty is the power of the cross.

It's a miracle to me
It's a miracle to me
It's still a mystery
And it's still a mystery
It's a miracle to me
The power of God
Those who believe

Mighty, awesome, wonderful
Is the Holy cross.
Where the Lamb lay down His life
To lift us from the fall.

Oh and mighty, awesome, wonderful
Is the Holy cross.
Where the Lamb lay down His life
To lift us from the fall.
Mighty is the power of...
Mighty is the power of...
Mighty is the power of the cross.

Thank You for the cross.
Thank You for the cross.
I love the cross.
I love the cross.
It's a powerful cross.

What can take a dying man (thank You Jesus)
And raise him up to life again? (thank You Jesus)
Worship You Jesus (wonderful cross)
By Your wounds we are healed
By Your wounds we are saved

Mighty is the power of the cross (echo)
Mighty is the power of the cross (echo)
Thank You Jesus
For the Holy cross

]]> ~Howlerwolfe http://Howlerwolfe.deviantart.com/journal/19531078/ http://Howlerwolfe.deviantart.com/journal/19531078/ Tue, 22 Jul 2008 05:28:09 PDT

Overall point of this journal: God is more than good to me, and I still find myself doing incredibly stupid things...

---

Short update one what has been going on over the past 2 weeks.

Sunday the 13th, there was a pretty incredible baptism service at my church. I've only sat in on a few individual baptisms, but never like the service we just had. 39 people were baptized and it was really powerful. My pastor asked me to sing a trio with his wife and himself for it, and I accepted. The song we sang was "Gentle Healer" and it really has served as a reflection of my own testimony. Through that experience, I was asked to be a permanent part of the lead worship team from then on out (which is a real privilege). Chad later pulled me aside and asked me to be apart of the worship team for 180 as well (we are trying to put together a small worship team for just the college group now), which I was also more than happy to help out with. It was a really powerful day, because God was showing me how big he really is when answering prayer. It was very cool.

Tuesday the 15th, was the first day that our ministry group met. Chad (the 180 leader), has arranged a mentoring group for college students in 180 who are looking to go into ministry full time. The group serves as a support and information center where we (the 13 who attended), can start making plans for what God has called us to. We had a short bible study, starting with the group memorizing...

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
~ Jerimiah 29:11.

After that we just went through a short informational time as to what the groups purpose is, and then we went around, got to know everyone individually, and shared what we believe each of our calls are. This is a list of those involved and the ministries each are looking at. (We all need prayer, so if you ever would like to pray for this group, I know we would all appreciate it.)

Tony - Biblical Scholar / Teaching (Unknown age bracket)
Brandon - Traveling Evangelist to the Christian Church
Rachel - Overseas Missions (Unknown) / Children's Ministries (Counselor)
Alex - Unknown
Peter - Biblical Scholar / Teacher (High school)
Jason - Overseas Missions (Asia)
Joe - Performing Arts Ministries (Dance)
Jen - Unknown (is leaning toward women's counseling)
Erika - Performing Arts Ministry (Vocal Music )
Ashley - Overseas Missions (Unknown) / Writing / Pastors Wife
Jamie - Children's Ministries (Counselor) / Worship Team Expansion
Danielle - Counselor / Pastors Wife
Myself - Mixed Media Ministries (emphasis in visual arts) / Performing Arts Ministry (Vocal Music , Dance, Acrobatics) / Fine Arts Ministry (Photography , Video, and Painting)
Chad - Wellspring Staff Member (Pastor's Assistant, 180 Leader, Counselor, Ministry Mentor)

Insert: On both the previous day and on this Tuesday, I got to spend exclusive time with Joe. He really is one of my best friends as of now, and getting the time to just fellowship with him was very much needed. We went to the men's bible study that Monday evening, and sat in on a lesson about Shame. It was pretty tough but it was a great learning time. We had a time where we went running together, also spent part of our time drawing... Joe is a pretty artistic guy, but his dancing is what is going to take him far (as a reflection of his faith anyway). In all, it was nice to spend the countless hours just talking about God and how awesome he is, among the things he is doing in our lives.

On Friday the 18th, we (about 20 from the 180 group) left for a canoing trip. A fun time, almost minus the bible study that night... Chad had us do a very intensive confrontation exercise, where we had to point out our grievances with others within the group, in front of the group! This was incredibl... ]]> ~Howlerwolfe http://Howlerwolfe.deviantart.com/journal/19328650/ http://Howlerwolfe.deviantart.com/journal/19328650/ Fri, 11 Jul 2008 08:47:40 PDT
Hebrews 11:1 ~ "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."

---

So, God has been really faithful to me the last few days. Over the past week I have had a lot of thinking to sort through; a lot of things to seriously consider. Yet, I have finally got some answers to my questions, and yesterday was really an eye opener to me.

As this coming Tuesday slowly draws near, I have been overwhelmed by doubt. Not in my salvation, not in whither God exists, but in whether or not I can truly be used by God to do any sort of work for him. The enemy has been constantly throwing thoughts into my head that are trying to get me off track and to fall back into sin (which I am making the largest effort possible to get out of my life for good). I have started having stress dreams over a slew of different subjects... Things of the past, things of my present, and things of the future as well... All of which I have been journaling about consistently over the past few days in a notebook. It's been pretty confusing... but I know God is faithful and will continue to lead me through this time of confusion.

I keep thinking, ministry... Full time ministry... Me? I'm going into ministry? Why me? What for? How? Not gonna lie, I've been wanting to backtrack on the decision for quite some time now... but God has been gentle enough to be constantly giving me reminders as to how if I follow through, God will be with me and protect me along the way; I have been reading many biblical stories for confidence and strength:

"The Call of Abram"

Genesis 12:1 ~ The LORD had said to Abram, "Leave your country, your people and your father's household and go to the land I will show you."


It was a straight COMMAND from God. "Go to the land I WILL show you." That sentence really irked me... because Abram didn't know before hand as to where he was going... He was just told to go, and in total faith, Abram went.

---

"The Call of Jeremiah"

Jeremiah 1:4-7 ~ The word of the LORD came to me, saying, "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations."

"Ah, Sovereign LORD," I said, "I do not know how to speak; I am only a child."

But the LORD said to me, "Do not say, 'I am only a child.' You must go to everyone I send you to and say whatever I command you. Do not be afraid of them, for I am with you and will rescue you," declares the LORD.


Jeremiah's first reaction was, "I can't!" But God's response was, "You can, because I (the LORD, the Creator!) will enable you. So don't tell me you can't. This is a DIRECT COMMAND."

---

"The Calling of the First Disciples"

Matthew 18-22 ~ As Jesus was walking beside the Sea of Galilee, he saw two brothers, Simon called Peter and his brother Andrew. They were casting a net into the lake, for they were fishermen. "Come, follow me," Jesus said, "and I will make you fishers of men." At once they left their nets and followed him.

Going on from there, he saw two other brothers, James son of Zebedee and his brother John. They were in a boat with their father Zebedee, preparing their nets. Jesus called them, and immediately they left the boat and their father and followed him.


What amazing faith all these people had. "Follow me." As simple as that... and they followed. To leave your job, your home, your parents, all at the drop of a hat... I am sure there was some crazy conversation that went on during this time...

Zebedee: "Your doing what!?"
John: "We are going to follow that man."
Zebedee: "You're really going to leave our family for that crazy preacher?"

You know what I mean? I have run into this too... My family is excited yet, I feel like, unsure... You know what this means for you right? You're sure you want to do this? Don't do it. Think it through carefully...

---

In all it has come down to this: I have a dream of being an artist, but greater than that, I have the keys to a life worth living! I have a testimony worth sharing because it can show people how GREAT OUR GOD IS!!! And given the chance, EVERYONE needs to hear about it! The Gospel is to important not to share! And using my art as a medium, I intend on sharing the Gospel through it (just as God is using me).

---

IMPORTANT*** IF YOU READ NOTHING ELSE READ THIS STORY!!! IT IS JUST WAY TOO COOL NOT TO SHARE!!!

Recently, I read the story of Bezalel and Oholiab (Exodus 31). Until I read this story, I had no idea that there was a whole chapter devoted to the ARTIST! XD This is soooo cool! It says:
~Howlerwolfe http://Howlerwolfe.deviantart.com/journal/19262503/ http://Howlerwolfe.deviantart.com/journal/19262503/ Mon, 07 Jul 2008 20:35:09 PDT Quiet my soul remember
Redemptions hill
Where Your blood was spilled
For my ransom
Everything I once held dear
I count it all as lost

Lead me to the cross
Where Your love poured out
Bring me to my knees
Lord I lay me down
Rid me of myself
I belong to You
Lead me, lead me to the cross

You were as I
Tempted and trialled; human
The word became flesh
Bore my sin and death
Now you're risen
Everything I once held dear
I count it all as lost

To your heart
To your heart
Lead me to your heart
Lead me to your heart

---

Currently, I am still unable to fully articulate what is happening in me... God is talking to me, but I'm not sure exactly what it is about. I'm doing my best to listen, but I'm needing to be patient, listen closely, and get some distractions out of my eye and ear gates... Being honest, I'm a little frustrated, but for reasons I don't quite understand. Even so, God is faithful, and I will wait for whatever it is I'm waiting for...

]]> ~Howlerwolfe http://Howlerwolfe.deviantart.com/journal/19181997/ http://Howlerwolfe.deviantart.com/journal/19181997/ Thu, 03 Jul 2008 10:42:57 PDT
---

In other random news, I am officially house keeper here at my foster families residence. I needed a place to stay for the summer and one of the women who works at GBC opened up her and her families house to me. THANKS BE TO GOD! Anyways, the catch was I have to clean their home... They are a pack-rat type family and their house is amazingly messy... So since the summer has begun, I have been running around cleaning out different rooms of junk and making their house a little more livable. I count it as service time. ^_^ And I like cleaning so it's not a big deal, but over the past week or two, I have gotten two major projects nearly finished: The bathroom (which took 10 hours with two of us, the middle daughter helping me) and the front hall closet (which took 5 days, 7 full trash bags, many hours of sorting, and causing the living room to be filled with junk temporarily). Still working on the downstairs family room... Which took me 5 days alone to clean paths that reached the 4 corners of the room, but will continue to be one of the beasts. Along with the garage and barn that hasn't even been touched yet... The rest of my summer is gonna be busy.

ALSO! Oh I am SOOO EXCITED! I'm joining a mentoring group at my church with (currently) 15 other college students who are going to be working toward full time ministry work! I'M SOOO STOKED! Everyone comes with their own goals and ideas as to where they feel God is calling them and the group will be a support for us as we work toward those callings. Our first meeting is July 15th and it couldn't get here any faster! I've been looking for ways to get plugged in using my gifts for a while now, and God was gracious enough to get me working taking photos at the college! Then at church! And now I'm doing full time photos for both and getting paid! PRAISE BE TO GOD! I've been needing this! And now I'm looking for greater ways to get involved... and God is leading the way! So cool! I really hope this will be a great thing for me and my growing relationship with Christ... cause I really just want to know him the best I can and use what I have been given for him. I'm blessed to have a relationship with my creator.

Alright, I think that is all I have for now... Until next time... (I still can't change my mood *sigh* Not that I have a problem with being speechless, but come on... I just wrote a good sized journal.)

]]> ~Howlerwolfe http://Howlerwolfe.deviantart.com/journal/19064847/ http://Howlerwolfe.deviantart.com/journal/19064847/ Thu, 26 Jun 2008 20:47:06 PDT And all the time... GOD IS GOOD!!!

He restores what was broken, and does so to show his GLORY!!!

---

There was literally MAJOR healing that went on in my life just a few moments ago! I would love to explain it all, but it really would be a novel of a story to explain... I'm just REJOICING IN THE LORD!!! FOR HE IS GOOD!!!

REJOICE IN THE LORD ALWAYS AND AGAIN I SAY, AGAIN I SAY REJOICE IN THE LORD ALWAYS AND AGAIN I SAY, AGAIN I SAY REJOICE!!!

]]> ~Howlerwolfe http://Howlerwolfe.deviantart.com/journal/18972637/ http://Howlerwolfe.deviantart.com/journal/18972637/ Sat, 21 Jun 2008 19:52:28 PDT
So instead of pressuring myself to move forward, I have been just sitting in the silence... Though I can say, even those times have been rare. I haven't been making much time for God... I guess that is what I have been trying to say. I've been trying to memorize some verses this week, lead others in good directions, and yet... It seems that I'm doing it for me currently, God doesn't seem to be a part of it.

After bible study on Thursday evening, I walked the 4 or so miles back to my temporary residence. The air was cool and the sun was setting... there wasn't anything special about this sunset. As I weaved through the neighborhoods around to my home, I was looking up at the sky and, out of the corner of my eye, I saw a shooting star (or so I thought). My immediate thought was, "Wow. God you are so cool," and then I noticed it again. What I was looking at was a firefly hovering some 10 feet or so above me. It has been a very long time since I have seen one of those... we don't get them on the west coast. And the last time I saw them was when I lived in Ohio (I was 7). Some memories from that time started coming back, good memories. I kept walking along. Saw more, but at one point, almost home, I managed to reach out and catch one... It glowed once, and then flew away. The strangest sensation came over me... I remember being a small child and going with my sis out to the woods, carrying small jars with us. Once there, we would run and catch as many of the fireflies as we could, and basically make living lanterns. Ones that we would take to our rooms and use as night lights throughout the night. It was so sudden, the recurrence of that memory... Filled me with some kind of childhood innocence again. It was kind of an interesting time.

Since then, I have seen so many little things that I have never noticed since I was a child... Things that I now take for granted, and in a way, I guess, that is how I see God working in my life... Just allowing me to enjoy the small things.

---

I know this is a totally random journal entry... and probably not a very coherent one at that, but I just felt like writing... (not that I need to explain myself as to why I'm writing. ^_^; I'm so odd.)

]]> ~Howlerwolfe http://Howlerwolfe.deviantart.com/journal/18829974/ http://Howlerwolfe.deviantart.com/journal/18829974/ Fri, 13 Jun 2008 23:12:24 PDT
---

This question was presented to me and God used it to break me down. What would I die for? What cause, what thing, what people would I really be able to lay my life down for?

At the forefront: Could I die for God? My Jesus? My Savior?

In my brokenness I cried out to God, I don't think I would have the strength had I had the opportunity... Totally puzzled. Any given day, I would probably say, "Sure no problem." But the more I think about where our world is going, the things that are happening in this country, I can't help but think that there is a time coming soon, where that might be a very real possibility.

I took some time tonight to refresh myself with the dream, the mystery, of King Nebuchadnezzar (in Daniel chapter 2). As I refreshed my mind of this prophecy I came upon this passage:

"Just as you saw that the feet and toes were partly of baked clay and partly of iron, so this will be a divided kingdom; yet it will have some of the strength of iron in it, even as you saw iron mixed with clay. As the toes were partly iron and partly clay, so this kingdom will be partly strong and partly brittle. And just as you saw the iron mixed with baked clay, so the people will be a mixture and will not remain united, any more than iron mixes with clay." ~ Daniel 2:41-43.

The people of this country strive for aimless change... and they are going to get it. The problem is, when they get it, they will regret it. We, as a people have put our faith in the belief that there are no absolutes... We want to live the way we want without restrictions, without a purpose, without having to adjust to some standard... "Truth is subjective," they say. There is major issues happening in this country, and across the world, and Christians need to start getting it into their head that the Word of God cannot be moved. It is the WORD OF GOD. HIS BREATH!

If you think, as a "Christian," for one moment that God's WORD is not his WORD, then you CANNOT BE HIS!!!

The time will come, and if you aren't his then what are you living for? And what do you plan on dying for?

---

What would you die for?

Could you die for the ONE AND ONLY God?

]]> ~Howlerwolfe http://Howlerwolfe.deviantart.com/journal/18574737/ http://Howlerwolfe.deviantart.com/journal/18574737/ Fri, 30 May 2008 10:30:56 PDT

*goes back to rocking out with teh music*

]]> ~Howlerwolfe http://Howlerwolfe.deviantart.com/journal/18470477/ http://Howlerwolfe.deviantart.com/journal/18470477/ Fri, 23 May 2008 21:11:21 PDT
---

"Lest I Forget" by Rebecca St. James

I, I sit in silence here
I'm filled with wonder once again
I'm overwhelmed by Your beautiful love
Now I, I'm falling to my knees, so grateful for the grace You give
The love I need I've found in you

Lest I forget
All of Your goodness
The blood You have shed
The cross I now remember
Lest I forget

Lord, You wept tears of blood for me
You hung in agony so deep
Carried my sin away for good
Now I, I take this bread and wine
Remembering You love divine
You walked through fire to free my soul

Lest I forget
All of your goodness
The blood you have shed
The cross I now remember
Lest I forget

Lest I forget
All of your goodness
The blood you have shed
The cross I now remember
Lest I
Lest I forget
All of your goodness
The blood you have shed
The cross I now remember
Lest I forget
Lest I forget

(whispered)
Lord, You, wept tears of blood for me
Carried my sin away for good
Walked through the fire to free my soul
I sit in silence here
The cross I now remember
Lest I forget

]]> ~Howlerwolfe http://Howlerwolfe.deviantart.com/journal/17723356/ http://Howlerwolfe.deviantart.com/journal/17723356/ Sun, 06 Apr 2008 21:37:24 PDT
HE HAS NOT GIVEN UP ON US!!!

John 14:6 - Jesus answered, "I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me."

Luke 11:9-10 - "So I say to you: Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened."

Revelation 12:11 - For they overcame him by the blood of the Lamb, and by the word of their testimony; they did not love their lives so much as to shrink from death.

]]> ~Howlerwolfe http://Howlerwolfe.deviantart.com/journal/17463585/ http://Howlerwolfe.deviantart.com/journal/17463585/ Sat, 22 Mar 2008 19:00:34 PDT
I make mistakes, sin gets a hold of me now and again, BUT GOD STILL LOVES ME.

This is why God sent his Son, Jesus, who died and ROSE AGAIN for me. Yet, not just for me, but for everyone. That is what we celebrate today. That is what God has done.

Sin does not have to rule our lives if we do not let it.

Believe, have faith, Jesus Christ has won our victory over evil. Satan cannot have me... neither his demons and angels. I have been set free from the sin that has condemned me to eternal separation from my great, wonderful, ever loving GOD!

- - -
[link]
- - -

I AM FREE!!!

I am free to run!
I am free to dance!
I am free to live for you!

Through You the blind will see!
Through You the mute will sing!
Through You the dead will rise!
Through You all hearts will praise!
Through You the darkness flees!
Through You my heart screams, I am free!

I am free to run!
I am free to dance!
I am free to live for you!

Through You the kingdom comes!
Through You the battles won!
Through You I'm not afraid!
Through You the price is paid!
Through You there's victory!
Because of you my heart sings, I am free!

I AM FREE!!!

I am free to run!
I am free to dance!
I am free to live for you!

I AM FREE!!!

- - -

If you're feeling bound to your sin, remember this Easter that God fulfilled His promise so that you could be set free!!!

]]> ~Howlerwolfe http://Howlerwolfe.deviantart.com/journal/15873446/ http://Howlerwolfe.deviantart.com/journal/15873446/ Mon, 10 Dec 2007 07:36:09 PST —Dennis Fisher

- - -

I've been doing some reflecting over the past month, and this is so true. The week before Thanksgiving break (which I have mentioned before), I was feeling like I was on top of the world, but by that Sunday leading us into the break, my world (as many others) was flipped upside down.

Over the past month, I have encountered some serious demonic activity in both my life, and seen it in the lives of others. Satan knows that when we are at our highest, our guard is often down, and when life decides to take a turn for the worst; It's hard to keep faith. But God is by my side keeping me strong, and between prayer and the Word of God, I fear nothing.

One of my good friends from church passed away last week, a result of suicide. I watched as two of my friends, two separate couples, break their engagements to each other. I have continued to watch as illness eats away at the body and spirit of another close friend. And still, yet another fights urges to take their pain out against their own body, slashing their wrists. I have heard demonic voices, and seen objects shift and move. I have witnessed how dramatically a person can change from someone you trust, to someone you question and bicker with. I have experienced possibly, a redirect from God, saying that everything that I have wished for, is not what God wants or desires for me. My mother was in an accident, and one of my other friends has given up on the idea of love. I've seen a broken man cling to the strongholds in his life, afraid to give them up, and I have seen others succumb to anger and bitterness that is taking control in their life.

Yet somehow, after witnessing all of these things, one right after another, I somehow managed to keep my faith alive, and hopefully, help sustain the faith of others.

"The LORD is a refuge for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble. Those who know your name will trust in you for you, Lord, have never forsaken those who seek you."
Psalm 9:9-10

This past week in particular has been very difficult, but God is bigger than all of these things, and He is slowly delivering us from our fears and situations. Thanksgiving and praise to God!

I'm praying for so many, and trying to keep that faith I have had this week alive! Never in my life had I experienced so much spiritual change than I have this month. I pray that God continues to BRING THE RAIN, because if it is the rain that forces me to lean into God, than I say bring it on. I want to be effective for God!

- - -

We will win these battles together.

]]> ~Howlerwolfe http://Howlerwolfe.deviantart.com/journal/15665225/ http://Howlerwolfe.deviantart.com/journal/15665225/ Sun, 25 Nov 2007 13:16:29 PST
- - -

You know (or not know), I left dA cause my art didn't mean anything to my soul (and I'm sorry for not really saying anything about it). I, for a long time, looked at art as a way to fulfill parts of me that felt incomplete... and after a while, art stopped being able to serve that purpose. So, I've been searching for many other things to try to fill it, and I've finally found what I have been looking for.

My life has been fickle recently. So much is changing in me. I'm facing a lot of things that I've been running from for years and years. I'm learning to live by faith alone, in Christ. And I know that probably doesn't mean much to a lot of you, but God's got me right where He wants me right now. I'm at a crossroads... a point of decision that has been specifically chosen, deliberate, and not a random act for me to base the rest of my life on. But now I have to make the choice...

Thanksgiving weekend was supposed to be a time where I went up to my Aunt and Uncles house, hung out with the family, and ate myself to death. Which it was all those things indeed, but was a whole lot more.

Sunday, I went to church, and was particularly concerned with some big decisions that are coming up in my life. Decisions concerning whither or not I am going to go to art school or not, how am I going to pursue relationships, what my life is going to end up ultimately being, and several circumstances in life that I want to be free from. I truly believe in the power of prayer. And the only experience that came close to this one, was way back when my seizures were at their pinnacle. For those who were there at the end, those horrific 3 years of my life, I believe saw a miracle. For my seizures, depression, demonic oppression ended with 14 elders at my house performing a blessing, laying hands on me, anointing me with oil, and praying. It all ended that night.

Over the past six months, I have been mustering up the courage to ask the elders at my church here to do the same. Sunday, was that day. I left a broken child before God. And some answers left me more questions than when I had gone in for that session.

Anyway, I had an encounter with spiritual warfare that very next day. One that really tested me, and I knew something was happening because I was not the only one affected. I was getting calls from close friends whom were having similar experiences all simultaneously. And I will admit, it was frightening. Yet, at the end of the night, I was alright, fear stricken, but alright.

I gave that experience to God, and the rest of the week was totally normal... until, Saturday. I said goodbye to my family, and started my drive back to Grand Rapids. And on the way I started talking to God yet again. I felt very unsure of where my heart was at that time... but feelings tend to follow action, so, I prayed even though my heart wasn't there. I prayed for friends, family, my well being, for events that I cannot control, for my heart to change... and change it did.

When I got back to school, I found the dorms were all closed. So I ended up homeless for the night.

I drove around killing time, gas, and money for a few hours, got some coffee, chatted with friends online, and ran to the grocery store to puts around looking at movies, all because I knew that I was going to be sleeping in my car, and I would have to get up every few hours to get the car started, so I wouldn't freeze to death.

Ended up sitting in my church parking lot (I would be there in the morning after all). In the dark, with nothing but the moonlight. It was beautiful. My church is kinda in the middle of nowhere, so you could see all the stars and the full moon. It was truly amazing. I wondered what God would reveal to me through my camera lenses that night. In the freezing weather, I got out of my cold car, and walked all over the property, looking for possible shots.

And one caught my attention after I took it. I took a 60 second exposure, and using my cell phone started to make shapes in the air. Once the camera processed the photo, I was amazed at what I was looking at.

"GOD SAVES"
3 crosses in the background.

Rarely do I say that God uses me as a vessel, but that night... when I sat down in my car, I just started smiling and laughing at the message on my camera. I believe that that was for me. God is the one who is filling me now.

Whither you believe or not... God is real, and He is working.

]]> ~Howlerwolfe