http://search.deviantart.com/?q=by:Imatak&section=today deviantART RSS for by:Imatak en-us Copyright 2009, deviantART.com Tue, 24 Nov 2009 11:29:00 PST deviantART.com http://blogs.law.harvard.edu/tech/rss http://s.deviantart.com/minish/widgets/apple-touch-icon-precomposed.png http://Imatak.deviantart.com/journal/28446032/ http://Imatak.deviantart.com/journal/28446032/ Thu, 19 Nov 2009 07:08:14 PST
Things didn't go too well yesterday. But I'd rather not talk about them.


So. Happy stuff. I'm getting a PS2 today at youth group.

Uh... 'nother happy thing: my friends are... awesome?


Mopey thing: I still hate myself for what I put Ellen through. :/

]]> ~Imatak http://Imatak.deviantart.com/journal/28411740/ http://Imatak.deviantart.com/journal/28411740/ Tue, 17 Nov 2009 10:57:38 PST
]]> ~Imatak http://Imatak.deviantart.com/journal/28409093/ http://Imatak.deviantart.com/journal/28409093/ Tue, 17 Nov 2009 07:12:10 PST

*Sigh*


I have to move on. I know I do. But...


...Gah. Sometimes I think a shot to the head would be easier than having to live like this. It's Tabitha all over again. Wouldn't be surprised if it happened again... and again... and again. All I ever seem to do is hurt people and betray them.


I'm serious. Poison my drink or something. Or push me down a flight of stairs. Make it sudden, not at all painful.

]]> ~Imatak http://Imatak.deviantart.com/journal/28398312/ http://Imatak.deviantart.com/journal/28398312/ Mon, 16 Nov 2009 16:04:09 PST

...Yeah. Uh. Not doing so well at all. Practically wanted to kill myself earlier, for srs. But... I'm better. I think.


...I wanna listen to my Braid music. ;_;

]]> ~Imatak http://Imatak.deviantart.com/journal/28392406/ http://Imatak.deviantart.com/journal/28392406/ Mon, 16 Nov 2009 10:54:57 PST
Love, hate, jealousy, compassion, happiness... I can't tell what it is anymore. My mind is convoluted, warped, a mess... and no one is here to help me clean it up. Where do the pieces of my mind go? To whom do they belong? All these things, all of these emotions... what are they? What are they trying to say? What is the intent, the PURPOSE, of these emotions?


My mind is shutting down. Maybe that's a good thing... emotionless is what I want to be right now. Not a care in the world, not worrying about anything. The way life should be. Though I keep changing my mind... about a lot of things.

My mind, influenced by music. This is what it is. A scary thing, indeed...

]]> ~Imatak http://Imatak.deviantart.com/journal/28389581/ http://Imatak.deviantart.com/journal/28389581/ Mon, 16 Nov 2009 07:04:56 PST
*Headdesks*

I. AM. HOPELESS.

Someone shoot me before I go insane. @_@ For srs; or at least poison my drink or something. -_-;;


I need to stop making promises that are so hard to keep. They'll be the death of me, I swear...


Anyhow, these past weeks have been a conglomeration of suckiness and awesomeness. Uh... first of all, I got my cell phone back. For a week. Got it taken away again because I didn't finish all of my homework... out of anger, I attacked it. Has a broken screen now.

Great.

I hung out with a few friends on Saturday. Courtney, Brittany, and Kendall... we didn't do much, but it was still fun. Played Metal Gear Solid 2, went to the school play at Central (BIG time memories), then, after an unbearable hour, we left early and went to McDonalds. I got a Big Mac, Courtney drove everyone home.

...I don't know what else to say, really. I feel lonely. :/ I think I'm the kind of person who NEEDS to have a girlfriend, otherwise I'll go crazy. Someone to share a part of my life with.


...Like I said, someone please poison me when I /hopefully/ go to youth group on Thursday.

]]> ~Imatak http://Imatak.deviantart.com/journal/28140290/ http://Imatak.deviantart.com/journal/28140290/ Wed, 04 Nov 2009 10:23:40 PST

...*Sigh*
Looks like, in the end, things DIDN'T work out. I was a fool to expect otherwise; I'm nowhere NEAR good enough for her, or anyone.

Just... forgive me.

]]> ~Imatak http://Imatak.deviantart.com/journal/28129407/ http://Imatak.deviantart.com/journal/28129407/ Tue, 03 Nov 2009 16:51:17 PST

Someone make sense out of things before I rip my hair out. D:

]]> ~Imatak http://Imatak.deviantart.com/journal/28112813/ http://Imatak.deviantart.com/journal/28112813/ Mon, 02 Nov 2009 18:22:03 PST

Anyhow. Feeling a bit better - my mind is uncluttered and whatnot. I'd rather not, but I acknowledge that my relationship with Ellen needed a break, what with all the stress with my parents.


Life sucks. But I'm kind of used to it at this point. :/ I'm not on good terms with my parents... we get along, sort of, but I'm extremely pissed at them. I want new parents. ;_;

]]> ~Imatak http://Imatak.deviantart.com/journal/28091816/ http://Imatak.deviantart.com/journal/28091816/ Sun, 01 Nov 2009 16:37:59 PST
Guys, if you care, get a Livejournal account and add Jishkah to your friends list. Privacy doesn't exist in this family, it seems.

[link]

Especially you, Ellen.

]]> ~Imatak http://Imatak.deviantart.com/journal/28009212/ http://Imatak.deviantart.com/journal/28009212/ Wed, 28 Oct 2009 09:47:58 PDT
-Might get a job at McDonalds. The one near HyVee.
-Gonna hang out with Daniel and a few of my friends this Saturday. Hopefully. I need to get out of the house. -_-
-Neon Genesis froze up because of a scratch... right when I was about to find out if Shinji accidentally killed his best friend. ;_;
-I'm re-reading the Megatokyo manga's for, like, the 15'th time.
-Giving Brisingr another read. Hopefully I'll finish it this time.


...Mentally, I'm confused. Like, really confused... my mind is a mess, and it's driving me crazy. Stress is going to be the downfall of me, I fear. :\ In a sense, I'm in exactly the same boat that Danny's in... anything more I tell her would be utterly hypocritical. "Leave him", "You deserve better". All hypocritical, because you can't truly understand the situation unless you become engulfed in it. It's pretty much the same with me and Ellen... exactly the same. But, you know, I don't care. I'm happy I'm with her. I'm happy WITH her, I'm happy just being by her side, no matter how infrequent that is.
But anyhow... life has been fairly uneventful; I haven't gone to youth group mainly because of fights with parents. I really miss you guys... it's been so long since I've seen ANY of you. Courtney, Hannah, Danny, Daniel, Mallory, Cassy, Kendall... how long has it been? A month? Two months? I haven't talked to Amanda for a while... I wonder how she's doing.

...Just shoot me, please. X_x

EDIT: I need to vent.

I really don't know why, but I've been extremely depressed today so far. Every once in a while, I'll just get into these... really sucky moods. I'm not even sure what it is - is it stress? I don't really know anymore... all I do know is that I want my Ellen. The feelings I used to have for Tabitha, or what's left of them, have morphed into hate. I see her in the hallway, I literally growl. I even HEAR about her, and I get angry. I don't know, maybe it's my hearts way of coping with the fact that there was never, nor will there ever be, any closure... instead of lingering on the leftover feelings, those stagnant feelings, I cope by hating her. Found out she got accepted to the University of Iowa. I should be happy, but... that just pisses me off to no end. Her life is going okay. People don't hate her, people don't think of her as a creep. And look at me. Lizze hates my guts, and has practically made it a goal to tell all of her friends why. Tabitha is anywhere NEAR me, and I get petrified. I freeze up, nervously twitch, my heart races... I can honestly say I'm terrified of her. I'm letting fear control my life, and it's not good at all.

I hate her. I hate her, I hate her, I hate her, I hate her... I never thought I would, but I do. I hate her so much... I hate what she's done, I hate that everything is going good in her life; maybe I'm being selfish. I should be happy for her. I should be ecstatic that she got accepted to the U of I. But I feel nothing but hate. Anger. It pisses me off...

God, 5 months, and I'm still not over her. While the feelings are gone, they've been replaced by utter hate...

I need a hug. Or Ellen. ;_; Or anyone... Hannah... Courtney... anyone...

]]> ~Imatak http://Imatak.deviantart.com/journal/27917795/ http://Imatak.deviantart.com/journal/27917795/ Fri, 23 Oct 2009 05:34:55 PDT
]]> ~Imatak http://Imatak.deviantart.com/journal/27867581/ http://Imatak.deviantart.com/journal/27867581/ Tue, 20 Oct 2009 07:34:41 PDT
Things are going to be all right. I promise. ;D Just kinda stressed, or rather, REALLY stressed, is all. I'll see all of you at youth group this week, hopefully... well, my real-life friends, that is.

Also, for my IRC friends: it'll be a while before I come back. But hang in there. XD

]]> ~Imatak http://Imatak.deviantart.com/journal/27848223/ http://Imatak.deviantart.com/journal/27848223/ Mon, 19 Oct 2009 05:24:33 PDT
]]> ~Imatak http://Imatak.deviantart.com/journal/27794056/ http://Imatak.deviantart.com/journal/27794056/ Fri, 16 Oct 2009 08:54:08 PDT
Uh... where to begin?... I guess I can start out by saying my girlfriend is out of the hospital. She essentially had a blood clot in her lung and a slight heart murmur, and was in the hospital for a week or so... but she's out now. Though I'm worried - they let her out as soon as they figured out she could breathe on her own without oxygen. While I'm more than happy she's out, I'm also kind of worried she may not have been ready... I dunno, I'm a worry wart.

Second thing. I'm really stressed. <_<;; My parents still dislike Ellen, I'm getting pissed, she's getting pissed, my parents are getting pissed, which causes me to get stressed/feel hopeless. To top it all off, my parents decided it'd be a BRILLIANT idea to put parental controls on my phone, rendering it completely useless. The only person I can call/text? Mom. No one else. Which makes it extremely difficult to get into contact with my friends. That, and I can't even get online - the only time I can get online is during 9:00 to 11:50, and that's during photography class. Once the term ends, there'll be no more of that. I mean, sure, I can call my friends... but I can barely use the phone, either. I would have gone to youth group last night, but me and my mom got into an argument. Again. Over differing opinions and beliefs.
To be honest, nothing... nothing happy has happened lately. I'm going to get eye surgery on the 21'st of December, effectively rendering my stretchy eyelids... not stretchy. My eyes will be poofy and swollen for at least two to three weeks, and bruised for a few days to a week. I know Levi's grandpa went through this before, according to him... and "he looked like a raccoon".

Not looking forward to that. XD That, and I don't like the idea of a knife/scalpel slicing away right in front of my eye. So, like, anyone wanna come with me to comfort me?

School's been all right. Getting decent grades, haven't been teased/messed with for a while, all that jazz. I should probably start looking in to college choices, since I'm already a junior... I know nothing, nor have I made any attempt to. That, and I need to find a job. XD

But, uh. That's about it. I'll update this again the next time something big happens.

AND A QUIZ.
-----------------
1.What was the last thing you put in your mouth?
...Water?

2.Where was your profile picture taken?
In my room. I was bored, I had to take it for photography.

3.Can you play Guitar Hero?
Oh good lord, no. @_@

4.Name someone who made you laugh today?
Angie... I think.

5.How late did you stay up last night and why?
11. Watching Family Guy.

6.If you could move somewhere else, would you and where?
I dunno... out of the house? In an apartment, with a certain someone? <3

7. Ever been kissed under fireworks?
Nope.

8. Which of your friends lives closest to you?
Probably Brittany.

9. Do you believe ex's can be friends?
Possibly. But not likely.

10. How do you feel about Dr Pepper?
Like it better than a lot of soft drinks.

11. When was the last time you cried really hard?
I don't cry often... though I'm guessing the last time I cried REALLY hard was over the phone with Tabitha, a few months ago, right before she broke up with me. Panic attack. Not fun.

12. Who took your profile picture?
Me.

13. Who was the last person you took a picture of?
Uh... I went around my classroom taking pictures of people's hair, if that counts. @_@

14. Was yesterday better than today?
In a sense, yeah. Ellen got out of the hospital, but I couldn't talk to her for a while on the phone. It's too early for me to tell for today.

15. Can you live a day without TV?
I do that a lot; I don't watch much TV anyhow.

16. Are you upset about anything?
Hell yeah. My parents, the whole situation we've been arguing about with recently, parental controls, their control over my life, ... ...I could go on and on.

17. Do you think relationships are ever really worth it?
Yes. Definitely.

18. Are you a bad influence?
I dunno... not really? I'm really timid; it's hard for timid people to be bad influences.

19. Night out or night in?
I don't get it. In, I guess?...

20. What items could you not go without during the day?
PSP, cell phone (though it's now rendered useless), a book or two.

21. Who was the last person you visited in the hospital?
I was in the same hospital as Ellen was yesterday, if... ]]> ~Imatak http://Imatak.deviantart.com/journal/27758315/ http://Imatak.deviantart.com/journal/27758315/ Wed, 14 Oct 2009 07:35:38 PDT
]]> ~Imatak http://Imatak.deviantart.com/journal/27646638/ http://Imatak.deviantart.com/journal/27646638/ Thu, 08 Oct 2009 08:10:16 PDT
]]> ~Imatak http://Imatak.deviantart.com/journal/27629156/ http://Imatak.deviantart.com/journal/27629156/ Wed, 07 Oct 2009 08:17:47 PDT

New Cirque Du Freak movie coming out soon.




...ANYHOW, on to other things.

Things have been going fairly well lately. Home life is... bleh. Then we have school life, which is also bleh... however, there are a few things that kinda piss me off about it.

So. I've always been interested in joining the Newspaper Club, right? I want to be involved in the North High publications thing, but... GUESS who recently decided to start going? My ex. At least, I think... I'm pretty sure, though.
Take note, me and Tabitha have NOT spoken at all this school year. While I want closure on everything, I know that's not going to happen, and I'd probably end up making things worse between us, opening up old wounds... I guess anything else is just wishful thinking. :/
Anyway, she's in Newspaper Club. Lizze is in Newspaper Club. There's a 25% chance that Kathy is in Newspaper Club, since she was hanging out right outside the door (probably waiting for Tabitha) to the newspaper class. Tabitha decided to tell Lizze about my, er... past, and Lizze decided to tell a shitload of her friends, who are no doubt IN Newspaper Club. Kathy knows, and the only reason she played nice in the end was probably to make me shut up about Tabitha. Probably hates my guts right along with Lizze and Tabitha...

Frustrated? Yes, you can say I am. XD It's nothing big, just... it sucks. :/ I kinda wanted to be in Newspaper Club.




Other than that, things have been going well. I've hit a few bumps in my relationship with Ellen, but... we're still hanging on to each other. It's hard to explain; mom and dad think I'm obsessed with her. No, that's not it... I've just devoted a large part of myself to her. I know I'm only 16, but I don't care. No matter how bad things get, we will still be there for one another. I will still love her.

...Lovey-dovey comment aside, I'm kind of in a neutral mood. Things could go better, but they haven't hit rock bottom. Which is good.

]]> ~Imatak http://Imatak.deviantart.com/journal/27535483/ http://Imatak.deviantart.com/journal/27535483/ Fri, 02 Oct 2009 08:35:34 PDT
So much has happened in the past few days. Again. I'm starting to feel guilty for typing this journal entry; all I ever seem to do is mope and complain. But... hey, you don't have to read it. Family life has been... horrible, to say the least. Fighting, control, mistrust, more control, more fighting... it's starting to get out of hand. I just want to move out, if only for a little while... get away from my parents, from the source of my stress. But I know that won't happen; no one would take me in.

There are so many issues, but the biggest issue? I can't even see my girlfriend anymore. I'm not going to go into details, but I can say this: it's ripping me apart, ten times over, each and every day. It's not her fault, it's not my fault... I don't even know WHO'S fault it is. I could easily blame my parents, but... they think they're doing it for "my own good". I know it's kind of stereotypical to say this, but they haven't a clue about the whole situation. They don't know what's going on, they don't know her like I know her. They are, essentially, in no position to make a decision on this matter; they are my parents, not me. I should be entitled to see who I want, when I want, and if things do, indeed, go bad? I'll recover; I'll learn from it and move on. There are some situations that I can only learn from on my own...
Heh, I sound like a certain friend of mine. But I'm starting to see where she comes from... whether that's good, or bad, I don't care. I now know why she's so hell-bent on seeing this person; I'm much the same way with Ellen. So... in the smallest of senses, I guess me and Danny have SOMETHING in common.

To make matters worse, I feel as if I've been ignoring most of my friends. It's... hard to explain, but I'll be honest: when I'm with a girl that I like, it's as if nothing else matters. But, over time, it gets to me... and I feel horribly guilty. It happened when I was with Tabitha; I didn't go to youth group for WEEKS and didn't hang out with my friends... the people that will always matter in the long run. IF someone does read this, uh... invite me to do more stuff. I know it sounds rude, but I both need to get out of the house, and get my mind off of the stress. It worked when I hung out with Amanda... but, then again, I kinda liked her at the time.

I don't know. My mind is a mess. I need a hug. ;_;


...And disregard the Mood thing; I am NOT cheery. If anything, I'm neutral at this moment. The proxy I use just can't utilize scripts like that.

EDIT: Due to... uh, complications, don't try to text me unless I text you. I can't receive anything.

]]> ~Imatak http://Imatak.deviantart.com/journal/27499807/ http://Imatak.deviantart.com/journal/27499807/ Wed, 30 Sep 2009 08:05:57 PDT
To make matters worse, my past is coming back to haunt me. I hate Tabitha... I hate Kathy... I hate Liz... I'm completely over Tabitha, but to do this?... To bring back memories of past regrets, to hurt me like this?... I don't think I'll be able to control myself the next time I see her. I hate her... most of all, I hate myself for who I am, for my past, for all of my weaknesses, problems, burdens, emotional baggage... it's no wonder people leave me. Tabitha left me. Amanda left me before our relationship could even start. And now Ellen... she only said she wanted to "take a break", but come on. She'll end up finding someone better than me, break up with me, and I'll be left with nothing all over again.


Oh well. Might as well make my parents life a living hell for making MY life a living hell.

]]> ~Imatak http://Imatak.deviantart.com/journal/27352986/ http://Imatak.deviantart.com/journal/27352986/ Tue, 22 Sep 2009 08:18:38 PDT
What have I done?... I want to crawl into a corner and die. Whichever way you look at it, it's my fault her family was utterly destroyed. If I hadn't associated myself with her, none of this would have ever happened, and maybe they could have found an alternative. Mom, dad, I hope you read this. I'm so confused right now... I feel awful for ripping apart their family like that. Nevertheless, I am sticking with her, because she still loves me. She keeps telling me it's not my fault, but... really? It may be indirect, but the fact that their family was destroyed is rooted with her meeting me.


My mind is a mess. I just want to see her soon... that's all I need at this point. Maybe then, things will be all right.

]]> ~Imatak http://Imatak.deviantart.com/journal/27334306/ http://Imatak.deviantart.com/journal/27334306/ Mon, 21 Sep 2009 08:03:08 PDT
Everything will be all right... it's a long story, and it's private, but just... please pray for my girlfriend. Pray that she'll be all right... and don't pester her about anything. Just pray.

Please...

]]> ~Imatak http://Imatak.deviantart.com/journal/27276757/ http://Imatak.deviantart.com/journal/27276757/ Fri, 18 Sep 2009 08:29:07 PDT I rarely update as it is, and it's a good way to get my thoughts out, whether good or bad. It's mostly good now, but... bleh. I need to learn how to make positive journal entries without going completely brain dead. XD

It's been about two days since I last updated, and that wasn't much of an update. Things are going great with Ellen - it's hard to explain, but just the FEELING of being in a relationship is wonderful. It makes me feel loved, appreciated. As selfish as that sounds. And I like making others feel loved and appreciated; other people's happiness makes me happy, in a sense. For her benefit, and mine, no matter how rocky our relationship may get, I will work to maintain it. I want her happiness, essentially. Nothing more, nothing less.

Other than that, not much has happened. I brought her to youth group yesterday night - I could tell she felt a little uncomfortable, since she's not entirely religious - but it was still nice to be able to hang out with her. I'm going to homecoming with her this Saturday, gonna go to Exotic Thai, get pictures taken... it'll be fun. And I hope it'll be memorable. In a sense, it's like I've known her for longer than I actually have... we have so much in common. Hobbies. Interests. Emotional baggage, as crappy as it may be. She could almost be my psychological twin. I'm glad I know her. :3

ANYWHO, besides that, things have been going pretty well, I guess. Be expecting lovey-dovey journal entries from here on out. I'm sorry; otherwise, I won't know what else to talk about. XD When I try to think of anything else to discuss, my mind draws up a blank. -_-;; So... until anything FANTACULARORDINARY happens, most of my journal entries are probably gonne get kind of annoying. X_x;; Still, it's better than constantly moping.

]]> ~Imatak http://Imatak.deviantart.com/journal/27253377/ http://Imatak.deviantart.com/journal/27253377/ Wed, 16 Sep 2009 20:52:18 PDT
So, me and Ellen Harker are officially together. Things are going beyond great with her; I know we just met, but it seems like I've known her for months. I know my parents hate it when I say stuff like this, but I don't care. I'm finally, actually happy again - she's not my sole source of happiness, mind you, but she definitely contributes to it. She's gonna come to youth group with me tomorrow, so... yeah. Hopefully you'll be able to meet her then.

Other news.

It's, er... really hard to write a journal entry where I'm not complaining or moping about something or another. -_-;; It's like I don't know what to talk about, or how to act normal... it's a weird feeling. Things are actually going great in life. I've got a wonderful girlfriend, school's going great, things are going well with my friends... I don't know how else to type journal entries. In most of them, I mope and complain, yet since I'm actually happy for once... I dunno. That, and I'm not really in a journal-typing mood right now... maybe I'll update it during class sometime tomorrow, if I feel up to it.

But, uh... yeah.

]]> ~Imatak http://Imatak.deviantart.com/journal/27168463/ http://Imatak.deviantart.com/journal/27168463/ Sat, 12 Sep 2009 11:13:03 PDT


But... things have been very good as of late. I'll update this later with more stuff, but right now, I have my dad sitting right next to me. Don't wanna risk it. XD

]]> ~Imatak http://Imatak.deviantart.com/journal/27042838/ http://Imatak.deviantart.com/journal/27042838/ Sat, 05 Sep 2009 21:45:36 PDT
It's been a few weeks since I've been on new meds. Since then, I've been incredibly happy - things couldn't be better.

Then why do I feel this way?

It's hard to explain exactly how I feel... it's like I'm so happy, NOTHING can make me feel depressed/sad. One might think that may be a good thing - I won't ever be depressed again! However... it's not as easy as that. I know it sounds weird, but I feel both sad, AND happy - I mean, when I'm happy, I usually have a hard time being creative in journal entries/writing. Right now, it's extremely hard to explain how I feel, and it's extremely hard to be descriptive about it... I don't like it.
I think the bottom line is, I'm TOO happy. Someone could utterly betray me, and I think I'd still be cheerful. It feels unnatural - in fact, I got into a debate with someone recently, and it soon turned into an argument. She ended up getting pissed and basically saying "fuck you", and we haven't talked since... yet, strangely, I don't feel anything at all. I don't feel sad. I don't feel angry. It's like I don't care at all - like I mentioned before, it feels unnatural. I mean, I can no longer even allow myself to feel pity, to feel sadness, any of that. I know I should feel sad about the fact that me and Amanda can't become closer than "just friends". I know I should be upset with myself over the recent argument I had with a friend. I know I should be angry at myself for acting like such a coward and not going to youth group and confronting the people I hurt. I know... but I can't. I just can't, and it's bugging the hell out of me.

I just want to get off of my meds, honestly. Maybe get on some depressants, even, to get myself to be neutral - happy when I need to be happy, and sad when I need to be sad. But what's the likelihood of that? My parents would mistake that as "I want to feel depressed again", not "I want to be neutral. Not incredibly happy, not incredibly sad, just... neutral". I doubt not taking my meds will do anything... by now, it's sure to have left a permanent influence on my brain, so maybe it's too late? Maybe my brain is now programmed to release ridiculous amounts of dopamine, and getting myself off of my meds won't do a thing? I don't know...

I hate this...

]]> ~Imatak http://Imatak.deviantart.com/journal/26932149/ http://Imatak.deviantart.com/journal/26932149/ Thu, 03 Sep 2009 08:32:41 PDT
It's been a while since I last updated my journal. A lot has happened since then - I'm on a new medication, and my regular dosage of Fluoxetine has been upped to 40 milligrams. Frankly, it's helped a lot. I'm not nearly as depressed, things are going... good, for once.

Except one thing.

I talked to my dad about this last night. I'm not sure how the topic started up, but you all remember the girl I talked about in my last journal entries who had severe depression, right? I don't know why, but talking to dad last night... it really hit me how much I care for her. How worried I am for her. She's a wonderful person, she has an awesome personality, she's sweet, funny... I'm scared for her. Not only does she overdose on medication when she's feeling depressed/stressed, she also drinks heavily. I've been too much of a coward to bring it up before, but... I've noticed that she usually tends to drink herself into a stupor whenever she's feeling depressed or stressed. She has no regard for her own life, basically - oftentimes, she'll drink and overdose on medication. She's been doing this for so long that the end results... aren't pretty. Vomiting blood. Intense headaches. A weakening liver... she can hardly choke down any medication as it is without it hurting her somehow.
I've talked to her about coming to me whenever she feels depressed or stressed. Whenever she feels like harming herself or drowning out her depression. I mean... I fear for her life. She's one of my best friends, but her drinking and overdosing problems are getting serious, if not life-threatening. Whenever she doesn't respond to my texts, I immediately fear the worst. Call me paranoid or obsessive, I don't care - she's become a crucial part of my life, and I won't let her just throw her life away so... carelessly...
Right now, I haven't gotten a text from her in more than 24 hours. Call me paranoid, but I'm worried. I've sent her a few texts, but she hasn't responded... maybe she just forgot to turn on her cell phone. I don't know. Either way...
I don't know when, but I'm going to talk to her about her drinking problem soon. Her liver is already incredibly weak - she basically has no hope of getting on any anti-depressants at the moment. I'm not sure how long it'll take her liver to heal enough to get on medication, but... she needs to stop drinking. She's using it as an escape, I fear, and if it goes on at this rate, she'll become addicted. Her liver will become trashed, any medication she goes on will come right back out... I love her, and I... I'm more than worried about her. I'm down-right terrified for her life; whenever she drinks herself to a stupor and overdoses at the same time, I lie awake wondering if she'll wake up to see another day.

Please don't do this to yourself. I love you.

-------

On a lighter note, I think I'll update with a questionnaire.

My Name: Austin Zachary Miller

Childhood Ambition: Explore the world. Unrealistic, but I've always wanted to go to exotic/different places. The natural "flow" of human life bores me; there's got to be more to life than moving up in business rank.

Fondest Memory: I don't know, my first kiss? I don't have many "fond" memories.

Proudest Moment: When I built my own computer from scratch.

Biggest Challenge: Helping my friend with a rather severe emotional problem.

Alarm Clock: My parents, around 6:30 or so.

Perfect Day: When I actually hang out with my friends.

Indulgence: Surfing the internet, playing my PSP, talking to my friends.

Best Friend: Best friends change with the times, and the circumstances. But right now? Probably Courtney Schindler or Amanda Boyd.

Favorite Movie: Grave of the Fireflies, by Hayao Miyazaki.

Inspirations: My friends.

My Life Is: Ever-changing.

]]> ~Imatak http://Imatak.deviantart.com/journal/26618582/ http://Imatak.deviantart.com/journal/26618582/ Sat, 15 Aug 2009 22:08:41 PDT
I need a hug. And maybe a shoulder to lean on.


Mom, dad, if you read this, don't try to invoke your "parental powers" on me. I can deal with this, eventually... you'd only make things worse. Don't interfere. I don't care if this is "out there for the world to see", that doesn't mean it gives you a right to butt into my life. I can ddecide who and who not to listen to for advice, and so far, your advice sucks. You don't know enough to help me.

EDIT: Whoop-de-fucking-doo. The memories and feelings are returning. Every time I think it's over, something triggers them again. I need to get out of the house and do something other than sit on my ass all day in front of my PSP. It helped when I went to Amanda's...


I'm about ready to just damn well give up. Whatever that means.

]]> ~Imatak http://Imatak.deviantart.com/journal/26559867/ http://Imatak.deviantart.com/journal/26559867/ Thu, 13 Aug 2009 00:11:50 PDT
You're not hopeless... you're not weird, you're not a loser, and, believe it or not, you've got a friend who loves you. I've only known you for about a year, but in the time I've known you, you've shown your kindness in numerous ways. In a way, I feel indebted to you... you've been nothing but kind to me.

None of you know who she is. She's a friend from North, just recently graduated in March... but, nevertheless, it'll mean a lot if you pray for her. She means a lot to me.

Don't worry, I'll eventually update my account with a real journal entry. However... I guess I'm just not in the mood right now. I'm worried about my friend, about myself, about my immediate future... a lot has been going on, kind of. I'll explain later, but not now. I need sleep.

EDIT: On a side note, hearing David Hayter say "Crab battle" is hilarious. XD Search his name on Youtube, should be the first hit... I lol'd. X3

]]> ~Imatak http://Imatak.deviantart.com/journal/26433007/ http://Imatak.deviantart.com/journal/26433007/ Sat, 08 Aug 2009 22:03:28 PDT
Anyhow, a bit of a backstory.

There's this girl who I talk to at youth group from time to time. Kimmi. She's real nice, has an awesome personality... I admit, she tends to ramble on from time to time and sometimes it's hard to understand what she's saying, but she's still a really nice girl. Anyhow, we've known each other for about a year or so - we've never really been friends, but we talk occasionally. I don't know anything about her life: I don't know her hobbies, her interests, her last name, or even what school she goes to.

Anyway, after youth group was over, I told everyone I was leaving. Normally, this is followed by hugs for me female friends, and high-fives from my guy friends. Anyhow, I gave Kimmi a hug, and started walking towards the door. She told me to wait, so... I did. I walked back to wherh she was, and she nervously asked me where I live. Bells and whistles went off in my head right away. Not the bad kind, but the kind that you get when you know something is out of the norm. Nevertheless, I give her my address - I dunno why, but I just told it to her rather than write it down. Anyhow, she then said something that... kinda blew me away.
"I, uh... gosh, this is really awkward, but, uh... I'm kind of... interested in you."
...Yeah. Kind of jarred me a little; I was NOT expecting that. Anyhow, to make matters even odder, she asked me for my phone number. Note: she asked for my phone number before I asked for hers. Anyhow, we exchanged numbers, chatted for a little while longer, and departed with a friendly hug.

Now, like I said, I barely know her. I don't know anything about her life, and... it'd feel a bit weird to go out with someone I know nothing about. She's nice and all, but I'd like to know her better before we start going out. She's my age: 16, short, asian, wears glasses. But, really, that's all I know about her. I think... I think I'll be friends with her first. Get to know her better before I jump into a relationship. It'd feel weird going out with someone I know nothing about. Honestly, I'd love to get to know her better, but until I do... a relationship is kinda iffy. After what happened between me and Tabitha, I need to take some serious precautions. Contemplate on the /MANY/ mistakes I made in my previous relationship. But... who knows. Perhaps, in the end, we'll end up in a relationship. Only time will tell.

Long story short, I know nothing about her, and would like to get to know her better before I jump into a relationship, and really think back on the MANY mistakes I made in my previous relationship.


Either way... I'm tons happier; my self esteem has boosted quite a lot since an hour ago. X3

EDIT: I'm even happier now. ^_^ I very well may have made peace with the most unlikely person ever. I hope... but still, we talked for a while, and I feel SO much better about numerous things. I may just celebrate by pulling an all-nighter. Or something.

]]> ~Imatak http://Imatak.deviantart.com/journal/26369280/ http://Imatak.deviantart.com/journal/26369280/ Wed, 05 Aug 2009 19:03:28 PDT

SO. Things have been so-so as of late. A little bit of unneeded drama here and there, but other than that, this past week or so has been all right. I went to my friend's house last Monday. Amanda's her name. Anyhow, it really helped get my mind off of the accumulating stress. We pretty much just watched Youtube videos, played Guitar Hero for a while, and went swimming. With our regular clothes on. XD It doesn't sound like much, but nevertheless, spending time with her really helped.

Anyhow, I need to get out more. -_-;; If spending time with Amanda helped me finally get over Tabitha (still don't know how), then imagine how... I dunno, happy I'll be if I developed even a little of a social life. As it is, I stay in the house all day, sleeping, eating, and playing video games I've already beat.


I'm... in an odd mood right now. I am a little stressed, but at the same time, I'm too exhausted/not in the right mood or state of mind to rant about it. Maybe next time. XD

EDIT: Looks like next time is now. As soon as I think I'm feeling better, I remember everything. The pain I caused in her life, the utter betrayal I inflicted on her... I think back, wishing I did things right. I know there's no used staying in the past, but I'm seemingly bound by it. It won't let go. Each and every day is the same... I feel lonely at first. Then nostalgia, in the worst sense. Then horribly guilty. Which is followed by, finally, hate towards myself.

What a loser I am. It's been about 3 months, and I still can't let go of the past. Talking to friends does absolutely nothing, talking to my parents about it basically makes me feel worse, ... ...I'm running out of options. Fuck God; if he really cared, I'd have rebounded out of this slump in no time. As selfish as it sounds.

I just don't care any more. Nothing can be done, and there's nothing I can do about it. She'll never know just how sorry I am... how much my guilt has taken over my life...

I give up. If it were in my power, I'd take up all sorts of harmful hobbies to just... drown... everything away... the sadness, the guilt, the loneliness, the self-hatred, even. Looks like I'm too much of a pussy to do that, too, though. Why the hell must I be so weak?... It's ruining everything I hold dear... everyONE, even. Oh, and in case my parents read this (very likely), don't even try to "cure" me. I don't want anything to do with my mom and dad on this matter, really. I won't betray her again. As much as she may hate me, I... ... I won't.


Fire away, Kathy. I'm unblocking you.

]]> ~Imatak http://Imatak.deviantart.com/journal/26218772/ http://Imatak.deviantart.com/journal/26218772/ Mon, 27 Jul 2009 19:01:35 PDT
]]> ~Imatak http://Imatak.deviantart.com/journal/26193389/ http://Imatak.deviantart.com/journal/26193389/ Sun, 26 Jul 2009 16:36:33 PDT
EDIT: HOLY CARP IT WORKS.

Anyhow... I kinda figured I'd abandon my new account in favor of this one, since the other one was kind of a spur-of-the-moment decision.

Well... things have been okay, for the most part. I haven't done much this past month or so.



...Eh. I'll update this journal entry when I'm more in the mood. -_-; There's actually a lot that's been on my mind, but... I'll explain more later.

EDIT 2:

Truthfully, I'm not doing so well at all.

I've discussed it with a lot of people already. Megan, Courtney, Amanda, Hannah, Kaitlyn... I'm scared to death. It's kept me from staying up; you know how most people tend to not be able to sleep if they're worried about something? The exact opposite happens to me: I sleep. And sleep. And sleep. It feels good to escape the pain, even if for a little while.

Look, I'm not going to explain what, exactly, I'm terrified of. I'm pretty sure I've already discussed it with you guys. However... let's just say it has to do with a certain someone from my past, and the impact I may have had on her life.


Another thing that's been on my mind.

One of my friends is going through... a really rough patch (For, like, four years). Truth be told, I'm terrified for her life - what she does to harm herself is quite serious, moreso than cutting. She doesn't do it for attention, either - that much I know is true. Just... if you ever find the time, please pray for her. We would both really appreciate it.


...Damn PSP; if I was on a computer, things would be much more organized in this journal entry.

]]> ~Imatak http://Imatak.deviantart.com/journal/25143378/ http://Imatak.deviantart.com/journal/25143378/ Mon, 08 Jun 2009 07:20:14 PDT

Anyhow. I had a super long journal entry typed out with me moping a few days ago, then another one, now this one. Basically, me and Tabitha broke up, if you didn't know yet. I think things are finally settled now; I don't want to go into details, but I... kinda learned something I damn well should have known by now: We're too young to be in any serious relationship. We're too naive, too immature, too mentally and emotionally unstable. And that's where I screwed up. Basically, I fell for the same trap I told my friends to be wary of.

So... now that my mind's pretty much cleared up now, I feel a lot happier. ^_^

EDIT: I think I'm finally getting over the breakup. While the feelings still come and go, I... think I can finally handle it.
Just thought I'd let you know.

]]> ~Imatak http://Imatak.deviantart.com/journal/24900458/ http://Imatak.deviantart.com/journal/24900458/ Sat, 23 May 2009 01:42:26 PDT

ANYHOWZERS.


I'm currently typing this via my PSP, so... yeah. My grades aren't too good, so I won't be on much, if at all. Sorry guys. :\



...Dunno what to say, so I'll update this later on or something.

]]> ~Imatak http://Imatak.deviantart.com/journal/24785382/ http://Imatak.deviantart.com/journal/24785382/ Sat, 16 May 2009 18:11:18 PDT

----------------------------
Life's Happenings

-Uh... so. Nothing much has been going on, event-wise. I've come to accept many things as an inevitability, having little to no problem with them now. There are a few things I'm kinda irked about, though... but I'll keep to myself.
-My PS2 died. ;_; So, basically, I borrowed Dark Cloud 2 from my friend Cory. Looked at the bottom of the disc... was completely scratched up. Nevertheless, I put the disc into my PS2. Didn't load at all.
So, anyhow, I gave the disc back to Cory, since he said he could fix it. He did so, and sent it back to me. I tried once more to get it to work... and, lo and behold, the PS2 completely locked up. The power button wouldn't shut it off, the controller was stuck... basically, everything was disabled. Had to unplug the power. Unplugged the power, plugged it back in, and tried to play the game again. Same thing happened. Wondering if it was the game, I tried loading up Resident Evil 4... when I noticed a peculiar smell coming from the disc tray. I smelled the disc first. Smelled like burning machinery. Then the PS2.
...Needless to say, the PS2 is officially dead. It lived for a good 2-3 years or so. ;_;
-My parents are pissing me off.
So, let me explain.

My mom found out I have a computer in my room. She fucking read through the entire IRC log, and checked my emails. Even the ones I sent to Tabitha. I had some... very sensitive info in those emails. Not bad or anything, but stuff I didn't want my parents, of all people, to read. Hell, they're probably gonna read this, too. I don't give a shit; I WANT them to read this rant.
Yeah. I fucked up last year. I went to court, probation, had fewer privileges than a two year old, went to a new school, had to make new friends, and went to counseling once a week for the past year.

Do you /honestly/ think I'll make the same mistake again?

God, you fucking piss me off. It's been a year. A YEAR. And, hey, you still can't trust me. "I'll never be able to trust you like I trust others. No parents can completely trust their child, but with you, you're not as flexible. Until you turn 18, I'm still going to monitor everything you do."

...What the hell.

I understand why they'd distrust me, but come on. All you seem to care about is your own ass - "I don't want to have to go through that again". While it's understandable... the trust has to kick in somewhere. Why the hell did I go to counseling/therapy? To get better, mentally. I went through hell and back and back again, and you HONESTLY believe I'd make the same mistake again? Hell, I may just live at a friends house at this rate. At least I'll be treated better there.

And, mom and dad, I trust Tabitha with my life. With my friends lives, even. Don't you DARE give me any of that "if you break up, Tabitha will tell the whole school about what you did" bullshit, or so help me god, you will regret it.


Long story short: Fuck you, mom and dad.
----------------------------
Relationship Status

-Censored. Not in a bad way, but I just know my parents will come snooping into my business. I'm already pissed at them as it is.



----------------------------
END
----------------------------

EDIT: I jumped on to the boat - I have a Twitter.
Go ahead and look for Jishkah. That'd be me. |B

]]> ~Imatak http://Imatak.deviantart.com/journal/24023977/ http://Imatak.deviantart.com/journal/24023977/ Thu, 02 Apr 2009 13:47:06 PDT
But anyhow.

These past few weeks have been kinda eventful so far, since I ended up getting a cell phone for my birthday (563-343-2617, peeps), Left 4 Dead, and, uh... I have a girlfriend. For anyone who doesn't know about her yet, she goes to North with me. She's incredibly nice, smart, has a great sense of humor... she's an overall awesome person. She's the best thing that's happened to me for a LONG time. I feel happy, for once. And, frankly, I'd talk more about it, but with my mom practically hovering around me on and off, it'd be kinda awkward, so I'll leave it at this: I feel... happier than I normally feel when I'm around her. It's the highlight of my day to see her in 4'th block; it gets me through the slow, dragging days. If she knew how much she meant to me... if only...

But that's besides the point.

There's a few of my friends that I'm... really, really worried about. Rather, it's pretty much just one person, but that's besides the point. For privacy's sake, I won't announce who it is, but... we all know she's been making bad decisions, and, well... as hard as we have been trying, we haven't been able to get her to listen and actually take action. She doesn't know what she's doing; it's like she refuses to acknowledge that her actions are wrong and, frankly, against God's will. When I talked to her on the phone, I mentioned her faith, and... she got really defensive. But, truthfully, she's deluding herself - while she MAY have a strong faith, she's breaking God's command without a hint of remorse. And, God, it hurts all of us so... bad... if the person I'm talking about reads this, I beg of you. PLEASE, rethink your actions, your decisions. Look to God for answers.
Because we love you. And we miss you. And, finally, we want you to get better. We know you're a better person than that; we've seen it in the past. I just... hope this finally gets across to you.

*********************

Eh... I better wrap this journal up. I have work to do, so... yeah. I won't be able to go to Youth Group tonight, since my parents are REALLY busy at work, but... maybe next week. Until next time, adios.

-----------------------

Bleh. Found this all over Deviant Art, so I might as well do it myself. Basically, for anyone who doesn't know, go to Urban Dictionary, and type in the answers to each of these questions. Needless to say, the first few ended up... uh, funny. XD But things eventually got a little better.

1.) Your name?
Austin
-A guy that's good in bed, despite a less than great appearance. (Lolwhu XD)

2.) Your age?
16
-Legal age for fucking in the UK. (WHU. ;_; Why do I seem to be getting this kind of stuff?)

3.) One of your friends?
Courtney
-The Pimptress of the world. Needs to be adored by all men, but belongs only to me! Look up also, Pimptress or Genius. (...XDDDD Lawl, nice.)

4.) What should you be doing?
Social life
-Used for when a person has to evaluate how many friends he/she has or how close they are to him/her. (Bleh.)

5.) Favorite color?
Blue
-The hue of the portion of the visible spectrum lying between green and indigo, evoked in a human observer by radiant energy with wavelengths of approximately 420 to 490 nanometers. (Der, whu?)

6.) Birthplace?
St. Francis (Hospital)
-St. Francis is the quintessence of all that is gay. I might also metion that they are rainbow kissers. (...;_

7.) Month of your birth?
March
-Month in which creative, layed-back, dreamy, cool people were born. (Awesome. XD)

8.) Last person you talked to?
Mom
-The woman who loves you unconditionally from birth, the one who puts her kids before herself and the one who you can always count on above everyone else.
Just telling her your problems makes you feel better because mom's always know how to make it all go away.
Even if you fight, know that she's just looking out for your best interests. (Lawl, my mom likes that one. XD)

9.) One of your nicknames?
Spazz
-A person, either male or female, who can be very over-dramatic, moody, weird, quirky, flamboyant, annoying, suggestive, passionate, passive-aggressive, and/or socially retarded (awkward). Someone who says very disturbing, mind-boggling, and/or hilariously "random" things (often at the most inappropriate times). Someone who is very eccentric or alternative in their manner of being emotionally and/or physically expressive. (...Lololol XD)

]]> ~Imatak http://Imatak.deviantart.com/journal/23315933/ http://Imatak.deviantart.com/journal/23315933/ Fri, 20 Feb 2009 23:30:20 PST
"So, Austin, what's been going on in the last, what? Year?"
-Meh, a bunch of random crap. I've made a few more friends at North, I'm freakin' obsessed with the Chinese foreign exchange girl (Lawl, she's MINE!), going to therapy (still), and a bunch of crap like that. Overall, it's not too entertaining, but... eh.
OH. AND I GOT OBSESSED WITH MOTHER 3
...But now I'm not. ;_;

"Lawl, sounds pretty interesting."
-Really? Huh. I'm still wondering why I'm shooting questions and answers back and forth with my own psyche, but whatever.

"So, like. Who are your new friends?"
-Uh... there's Rebekka. Really cool, I guess (You MUST keep the blue hair.). Samantha (epic, too). Cassy... uh, Courtney Miller, and... uh... Nguyen? Maybe. Oh, and Sylvia. And Austin West. And Amanda. And Tabatha.
...And that's about it. Whee.

"So, like... can you do stuff now?"
-Yeah, pretty much. I don't really have any restrictions anymore.

"What games are you playing now?"
-Earthbound, Fallout 3... and Disgaea every once in a while.

"You should, like, end this interview."
-Yeah, I should.



But anyhow. Life's been... strange and unpredictable since I left Central. I'm growing more and more used to North (Which I do not want), my grades have fallen, and my past mistakes WON'T. FRIGGIN'. LET. GO. Life seems to have a way of saying, "lol remember when that happened?" and making you feel like crap.

Oh. And I may be able to go to the Youth Retreat, so... yays and stuff.


Anyhow, gonna wrap this journal up. Just wanted to let you know that not everything is sucky, but a good majority is. But whatever. I'm used to it by now.

]]> ~Imatak http://Imatak.deviantart.com/journal/19388452/ http://Imatak.deviantart.com/journal/19388452/ Tue, 15 Jul 2008 07:36:55 PDT

Honestly, even at this point, I'm not sure whether or not to go back to Central, or to North. I mean, either way... I'll have things to lose, and things to gain. Equivilant exchange: to gain or to keep something, one must first give up something of equal value in return. Even though it's a quote from FullMetal Alchemist, I find that it very much relates to just about anything in real life. To gain something precious, one must give up something equally precious. Really, either way... I'll have things to lose, and things to gain.
Rebekka, I... I know you really want me to go back to North this year. But... I'm just not sure yet. I mean, if I go to North... I'd have to give up a lot of things I hold dear. If I go back to Central... I'd also have to give up things I hold dear. I mean, yeah, I can always invite you to Youth Group. However, I won't be able to see you every day. Then again, if I go to North, I won't be able to see my other friends every day...

I need more time to decide. I just wish I didn't have to make this decision. I really wish I didn't...

---------

On a side note, my Community Service will be done by this Friday. So, uh... when that comes and passes, expect drastically fewer journal entries, if any.

Anyhow... I love you all. Thank you so much for sticking through with me through all of this. I... truly don't deserve friends like you guys. What I did even disgusts myself. It may be the past, but when I think back... it disgusts me. Frankly, I'm embarrassed.
Rebekka, Brittany, Paige, you guys... I've never really gotten a chance to say this, but I love you all. It... takes a lot for me to actually tell someone that. It takes a lot of trust... a lot of myself, to tell someone I love them. You guys are awesome.

Goodbye, everyone. This will probably be the last journal entry for quite some time, so... I guess I'll try to keep in contact with you guys over the summer.

]]> ~Imatak http://Imatak.deviantart.com/journal/19332514/ http://Imatak.deviantart.com/journal/19332514/ Fri, 11 Jul 2008 11:20:30 PDT
...She was, like, the last person I expected to forgive me.


More or less, I'm surprised. It's like someone walking up to you out of the blue and saying, "You're the president's son/daughter", like I described to Courtney.


...I still need time to wrap my head around this.


Anyhow, not much time, so I'll update this whenever I can. Although I do want to say something:

Courtney. I still love you. Whether or not you do anymore or not, it'll never change the fact that I love you. We've gone through too much together to just... let everything crumble...
(If anyone is wondering what's going on... don't ask. Please. Lemme work this out on my own.)

]]> ~Imatak http://Imatak.deviantart.com/journal/19179093/ http://Imatak.deviantart.com/journal/19179093/ Thu, 03 Jul 2008 08:41:46 PDT

Uh... I'm actually using one of the computers at Woods. Why am I at Woods, you ask?

I have to help the janitors for my community service. ;_;

I'm sure you all know by know, though. So I won't waste time explaining everything.

EDIT: I ALMOST forgot to tell you guys.

So, uh. A few days back, I had to replace the toilet paper in the bathrooms. No big deal, right? I replaced the paper in the boys bathroom first, then in the girls bathroom. WHILE I was in the process of opening the toilet paper thingamajig... in come a group full of 8'th grade girls.
...My heart was racing. Literally. So, like, I closed the stall, and pretended to be using the restroom. Then I remembered I had hairy legs and all.
*Knock knock*
I was freaking out.
*Knock knock*
I didn't know what to do.

And then one of the girls looked under the door and saw me.

...Ye goshes, I don't think I've ever been so embarrassed in my life.

I spent the rest of the day hiding from them. Literally.

Besides that, I got to see what a girls restroom looks like! ^.^ Pretty much the same, other than personal hygeine stuff that's not in a guys restroom. *Gets shot* I'll... stop talking about bathrooms now.

...But seriously. That day was utter hell. ;_; I think I've been, like, emotionally scarred for life.

Oh, did I mention they had freakin' BLOGS on the stall walls? Stuff like:
"Lol that guys hot"
"i know! too bad i dont get 2 see him!"
"no hes gay"
"lol i know im tired of woods"
"me too"
---------

I... honestly don't know what to say. XD Honestly, nothing at all has been going on over the summer break. I'm working at Woods, yeah, but... other than that, my days are all the same: Sleep, eat, play games.

---------

Well... on to a rather serious note now.
Over the summer, I've been really thinking hard about whether or not to go back to Central or stay at North. There's pro's and cons to each of them, really. And... it pains me to say this, but.
I'm 85-90% sure I want to go back to North.
I... honestly don't know how well you guys will take this. I dunno if you'll be sad, upset, etc. However, I've weighed down the pros and cons of each.
If I go back to Central... I'll be able to see you guys again on a daily basis. However, as much as I tell you guys that I can deal with the inevitable teasing, I... can't. I keep telling myself that I could, but... I couldn't.
However... if I go to Central, I'll probably never be able to see the few friends I've made over at North again.
If I go to North... that's another thing alltogether.
No one knows what I did. No one teases me about what I did, since they don't know. People at North are accepting of me, too. It's not clique-y, either, unlike Central. People over at North... kind of accept me for who I am. Weird, wacky, quiet, calm... even emotional at times.
I mean, I'll still be able to see you guys again if I go to North. I mean, there's Youth Group. There's church. There's random get-togethers, or "shindigs", as me and Courtney like to put it. So... you guys won't be out of my life. I'll still be able to see you guys on a slightly daily basis, kinda.
Please... don't be sad or upset. I thought about this all summer, and this is the decision I've come up with. I may not be in Central's hallways, but I'll still be able to see you guys on at least a weekly basis.

But, I have all summer to rethink my decision. Thoughts come and go. Who knows; I may return to Central... or stay at North. Right now, I'm leaning towards North, but... I dunno.
---------

And on to a strange note.

I've... been really missing someone as of late.

I mean, I miss you all, don't get me wrong, but... there's a person in particular who... honestly, doesn't want to leave my mind.

I dunno if it's the onset of a crush or what, but... truly, I can't stop thinking about her. I miss her. I haven't seen her for so long... it's getting almost unbearable. It's not Courtney, Brittany, Hannah, Danny, Sarah, or any of those people, before you ask. EDIT: Wow, I worded that completely wrong. Yeah, I miss you guys, but... this person has been on my mind constantly. It's a "different" kind of missing, I could say. More a sort of longing.

She... was one of the few people who was nice to me right off the bat. I could trust her. She... was - or IS - the only true friend I have over at North.

...Ugh, I hope I don't creep her out by saying that if she was to ever read that.

Then again, it probably isn't a crush. Like most times, it isn't. I just miss them severely. Call it withdrawal, if you may. I'm... just not sure at the moment which it may be.

But really, is it worth it... ]]> ~Imatak http://Imatak.deviantart.com/journal/18622136/ http://Imatak.deviantart.com/journal/18622136/ Thu, 05 Jun 2008 11:55:30 PDT
---------

First of all... I want to say thanks. Guys, I can't even begin to describe how happy I am that, despite what I did, you guys stuck with me. You supported me, you were with me... you forgave me. Word's cannot even begin to describe how... how happy I feel. I love you guys so much... so... much...

---------

On another note... who the hell am I kidding? I keep telling myself I wish things would be normal again.
Who am I kidding when I say that?
Things will never be normal again. Everyone knows the other side of me, the side I wish to get rid of. Everyone does... my friends, my family... and although I may not have to worry about court and restrictions in the future, I'll still have to deal with my family and friends knowing the other side of me.
So who am I kidding? Things will never, ever be normal again...

---------

I... I guess I can take one thing out of North. I've been taught one thing, at least. I'm not... really antisocial anymore.

The first few weeks were hell. Utter hell. I went through them without talking to ANYONE, sitting by no one at lunch...
After a while of that, I... really changed. I knew I wouldn't survive if I didn't do anything. So... I kind of came out of my shell, and got to know a few people.

As of right now, I... haven't made too many friends. There's Chris, Jacob, Cid, Rebekka... but other than that, I haven't made too many friends. At least, friends I can actually trust.

---------

I... I think I'm over the whole crush thing now. I mean, I... eventually told her. (What can I say? She kept asking until I cracked. XD) Anyhow... she doesn't think of me any more than a friend, which was expected. But although I may still have feelings for her... I'll try to ignore them. Besides, it's not like I could even stand a chance in the whole relationship game.

---------

I... really don't know what else to add. Rebekka, if you're reading this... I want you to know that I really wish I could have gotten a chance to know you better. You're nice, smart, uh... cute, etc. You like manga and anime, you like to write... I just wish I could have gotten a chance to get to know you better.
And Rebekka, quit being so hard on yourself. You don't suck at drawing. You don't suck at writing. Heck, the drawings you draw are... really good, actually. As in, really good. I haven't read anything that you've wrote yet, though, but... I'm sure it can't be THAT bad. So quit being so hard on yourself.

---------

Well... I guess I better wrap up this journal entry. My court date is tomorrow, and I'm really freaking out over it. But... I've got to get this done and over with eventually.

I love you all. You guys have made me who I am. The real me, at least. I created the fake me... and I intend to destroy it. However, you guys have made me exactly who I am. You guys... are, quite literally, my lifeline. Without you guys, I'd be empty. I... wouldn't be me. If anything, I probably wouldn't be alive today.

Guys... thanks.

---------

I almost forgot.

Rules for communicating with me:
-When talking on the phone, don't mention anything about Deviant Art, unless it's something small like "I read your note" or "So-and-so got an account".
-Remember that ANYTIME I call during the day, my parents are ALWAYS in the same room. It's a rule; they must be. However, if I call at around 10-ish, it's safe to talk normally.
-The Youth Group restriction may be lifted soon, so... yeah.
-I can't go anywhere, ANYWHERE without my parents coming along, too. This includes: Spending time at a friends house, going to the movies, etc.
-No internet. ;_;

What I CAN do:
-You can send me messages via XBox LIVE. My account name is Katamisan. So, uh... yeah.
-I can call you guys late at night. :B

]]> ~Imatak http://Imatak.deviantart.com/journal/18555600/ http://Imatak.deviantart.com/journal/18555600/ Thu, 29 May 2008 06:40:39 PDT
I'm sick of this. Absolutely sick of this. I'm... different than most others in the way I act, converse, and in my actions. I'd expect people to observe and respect that. But... no.
Instead, they tease me, and think differently of me.
Who cares if I'm the quiet kid in the class? Who cares if I lack social skills enough to actually engage in a regular conversation? Who cares if I strike people as "weird", just because of the way I do certain actions? It sickens me, really.
Maybe I can't deal with the teasing I'll have to endure if I go back to Central. But is it any different ANYWHERE I go? No; no matter where I go, I'll still be teased and ridiculed. I'll be the joke of the classroom, no matter where I go. So is it any different?

Why is it so bad to be "different" than others? Hell, even my councelor has gotten mad at me because of how "different" I am and because of my social beliefs. But so what? I am who I am, and I don't think anything can change that.
So I read manga. So I watch anime. So I'm good at computers, and am typically shy. Does that make me emo? No; far from it. I'm thoughtful. Does that make me emo? Apparently, in most people's eyes. And it sickens me. Absolutely sickens me.

I'm sick of this. I'm sick of our society, our culture, of most of humanity in general. Most people dissapoint me. I observe who they are, hoping that they'll actually be a good person... and ultimately, I'm dissapointed. I've made very, very few friends here at North, and with the few friends I've made, only one can I actually trust and talk to normally.

Yeah, I probably couldn't take it if I go back to Central. But is it any different than North? No; I still get teased here, albeit not as harshly as I would be if I go back to Central. And besides... my two best friends go to Central. And I feel... incomplete without being in their presence.

I want to go back. I wish... I wish none of this happened...

---------

On a side note, I think I'll break into the Imperial Palace on Friday. (On Oblivion.) Wish me luck!

]]> ~Imatak http://Imatak.deviantart.com/journal/18538674/ http://Imatak.deviantart.com/journal/18538674/ Wed, 28 May 2008 05:50:10 PDT
-------

...I've decided. I honestly don't care what happens to me or not; I don't care about the teasing I'll have to endure. I want to go back to Central.
I understand what will happen. I'll be teased beyond all getout. But do I care? No. I can care less about what happens to me. All I care about is you guys, and... it crushes me to know I probably won't see you again months on end.

-------

...Bah. I dunno what else to put in this journal entry. It's early; my mind hasn't yet kicked into gear. So, uh... when I'm in one of my better moods, I'll update this.

]]> ~Imatak http://Imatak.deviantart.com/journal/18394329/ http://Imatak.deviantart.com/journal/18394329/ Mon, 19 May 2008 06:40:12 PDT
First thing's first. I'm, like... horribly sunburnt. I was at the track thingy for, like... 9 hours straight. No shade. No whatever.
Anyhow, the day before I went, I called up Danny and asked her to give me book reccomendations. She did so, but... they were too expensive. ;_; Anyhow, lo and behold, I actually managed to find a copy of Howl's Moving Castle. The book.

Needless to say, it... isn't too good. XD

Anyhow. While I was at the track thing, I kept myself busy by climbing a tree. And... I found a nest with baby birds. :3 I... uh, actually fed it a bunch of meat and stuff, which I'm sure is not good for them. But needless to say, they were so cute. ^.^

But... really, other than that, this weekend was pretty uneventful.
---------
And now... an important announcement.

By the time school ends, I don't think I'll be able to keep this account updated. I won't have any internet access, basically, since the cops took away my computer. So, long story short, I can't keep you guys updated on what happens each week.

So. Uh.

I need help devising a way to do so. ;_;

I've already thought of an idea, though. Basically, I'll call Hannah or Danny around 11:00 at night. When I do so, DON'T PICK UP. Instead, let me leave a message. The message I leave will serve as a makeshift journal entry. When I leave the message, you guys are free to show the message to whomever you want, as long as said person is already on my DA watch list.
--------
...Well. I still have feelings for the person I described in my last journal entry, and I ain't giving up yet! I won't go down without a fight. XD
---------
Anyhow... I really miss you guys. Courtney. Hannah. Danny. Rachel. Paige. Why and how you forgive me, I don't know. How you found it in your hearts... I can't even begin to understand. But... thank you. I'm so lucky to have friends like you... friends who forgive me and stay with me, no matter what happens.

We're in this together. You guys chose to help carry my burden, rather than I force it upon you. I still don't understand why, but... needless to say, I'm lucky to have friends like you.

]]> ~Imatak http://Imatak.deviantart.com/journal/18347514/ http://Imatak.deviantart.com/journal/18347514/ Fri, 16 May 2008 06:44:09 PDT
First of all, on Saturday, I'll have to go to my brothers track meet over in whoknowswhereland for about... uh, 13 hours or so. I'll be gone from 7:00 to around 5, if we're lucky. Needless to say, I'm NOT looking foward to it. I have no manga's or books to read, my PSP lacks a battery... so, uh. Yeah. It's not gonna be fun.

Other than that, this week's been all right. Nothing much has happened, really. I'm just... not looking foward to Saturday. ;_;

(By the way, for the people going to the anime convention: Is it possible you could, uh... bring back some stuff for me? :3 Possibly an autograph or two... actually, I really want a Death Note notebook, so if one of you girls can buy one, I'll pay you back and stuff.
I mean, you don't HAVE to if you don't want to. It'd just be nice. But, that's just me.)


Anyhow... I'll try to give you guys a call over the weeken-- HOLY CRAP WAIT. I can call you DURING the track meet. Genius!

So... uh, talk to you guys then, if I can. Miss you and love you all.

]]> ~Imatak http://Imatak.deviantart.com/journal/18284388/ http://Imatak.deviantart.com/journal/18284388/ Mon, 12 May 2008 05:52:41 PDT
I think I like someone.


I... I dunno. I know I have a lot to go through as of right now, but... the more I think about it, the more I'm sure that I actually like her. Most of the time, it's like some sort of temporary thing, like it'll only last for a day. But now... I'm not so sure. The feelings are staying. Anyhow, I'm gonna explain it in one short paragraph, which may or may not sound retarded.

It's like a seed. Well, it starts like a seed. It's small, miniscule at best... but the more you pay attention to it, the more you cater to it... it grows. At the beginning, it's so easy to destroy. But the more those feelings grow, the stronger you feel towards the person... making it almost impossible to kill those feelings.

Or, at least that's what it's like for me.

I've been so stupid. For me, it's not just a matter of "Oh, she's cute, I might ask her out." Instead, it's all "Hm... I think I might like her." And from there, I try to make those feelings grow, until I'm sure I like said person.


...Problem is, she already has a boyfriend.

I feel pathetic, really. Honestly, I feel lonely. Extremely lonely.
Everyone else has someone they like. Whereas I... I dunno. But, then again... I doubt that she'll like me, even if she ended up breaking up. Besides, I don't see why ANYONE could like me. My personality is... different. I'm overall different.

Besides, who'd like someone who used to look at porn? Who would like someone who enjoyed stealing from others? Who'd like someone who used to lie?...

...I'm hopeless. XD (Told you I'd sound pitiful.)

]]> ~Imatak http://Imatak.deviantart.com/journal/18222238/ http://Imatak.deviantart.com/journal/18222238/ Thu, 08 May 2008 05:37:23 PDT
But... you still do. I don't know why; I've done horrible things... but you still do. And for that... I'm grateful.


Anyhow. I guess the only thing bothering me at the moment is the fact that I feel... alone in this school.
I don't fit in. No one knows me, nor do I know anyone else. And... well, I miss you guys.


I want to see you guys again. So badly...

]]> ~Imatak http://Imatak.deviantart.com/journal/18191815/ http://Imatak.deviantart.com/journal/18191815/ Tue, 06 May 2008 06:09:27 PDT
I make you guys worry all the time.

I dissapoint you all on a seemingly daily basis.

Don't take it personal. I've been... failing you all. It wasn't you. It wasn't anyone else; it was me. I know you guys love me, and I love you guys, too. But I've failed you in so many ways; failed to live up to your expectations. And I feel horrible about that. I mean... most of the things I manage to do seemingly affects you guys, too. In horrible ways. I make you guys worry. I dissapoint you all. I fail to live up to your expectations. And I'm sick of it, because that's all I seem to do nowadays. I don't have time to help you guys out anymore. I don't have time to change your lives for the better anymore. Rather, it seems nowadays I can only screw up my life, and yours along with it.

I... just want things to be normal...


I'm so sorry...

]]> ~Imatak http://Imatak.deviantart.com/journal/18175644/ http://Imatak.deviantart.com/journal/18175644/ Mon, 05 May 2008 05:37:19 PDT
No, I'm not thinking about suicide. However, I've always wondered how better off you people would be if I wasn't there to screw things over and make you worry about me.


I'm just... sick and tired of it. All I ever seem to do is get myself into trouble, and then you guys worry about me. Or, I somehow get you guys involved, and then you get overall dissapointed in me. I know you still love me, but... I wonder...

I don't know. I've been thinking a lot over the past couple of days. How better off you all would be without me ruining everything and getting everyone worried sick about me.


This isn't depression. It's self-worthlessness. I feel... worthless. Like I've only been able to screw over lives rather than help them. My mom may lose her job because of me, my parents are in a financial crisis of sorts due to the court costs and whatnot, and my friends are freaking out.

I feel... worthless.


Not only that, but after so many years of being a pervert and being subjected to the kinds of things that I saw, and add that to the behavior of students at high school... I don't know what's sexually acceptable and not. I mean, I hear my friends joking around about... uh, boobs and stuff, but when they do, I feel nervous. Like... I don't know. Just... nervous. I know it's all in fun, but I still feel weird when they joke around about it.

...*Sigh*. I'm sick of it. I don't know what's acceptable to talk about and not. I mean, I made a comment a while back ago about something, and someone else told me, "...Don't say that." I, at the time, didn't think it was all too serious of a matter to talk about, but... I mean, people at high school talk about stuff like that all the time, and/or joke around about it. At first, I used to ignore them. But then I knew I'd have to get used to it, so I did. And then... I thought nothing about it, and it became a part of me.

...I hate being my age. @_@

]]> ~Imatak http://Imatak.deviantart.com/journal/18116463/ http://Imatak.deviantart.com/journal/18116463/ Thu, 01 May 2008 11:56:59 PDT
So, basically, Monday was the same as any other day. Went to school, was overall anti-talkative, and went to see my councelor later that day. Tuesday was... hm. It was strange. Really strange. First block was normal. But the last three blocks... weren't. During second block, we went and saw the Prom Crash thingy. Third block, we saw a play about the holocaust.
And fourth block, our teacher had a heart attack. No kidding.
I'm too lazy to go into detail, but it wasn't a sudden heart attack. It was a slow one, so he had time to get to the nurse and tell him/her he was having a heart attack. Anyhow, he was transferred to the hospital, so... yeah.

Overall, it was a strange day.


Anyhow. I've gotten this question numerous times, in numerous different ways: Why is it that I only tend to befriend females? The answer is... not too simple. You see, I'm different than most guys. I don't ignore my emotions. I'm much more identical to females in the emotional aspect. I... dunno. I mean, I still find females attractive, don't get me wrong, but... I dunno. I just get along better with them.



Well. Other than that, this week has been pretty uneventful. I've practically been forced to come out of my anti-social shell at this point in time, seeing as I lack friends at North. I've been sitting down at different tables, talking to more people... but I can't help but think that in doing so, I'm also creeping people out. XD Oh well. :\


Anyhow. Over and out.

]]> ~Imatak http://Imatak.deviantart.com/journal/18069931/ http://Imatak.deviantart.com/journal/18069931/ Mon, 28 Apr 2008 12:11:49 PDT

I hate North. That is my official and final decision. I've only made one semi-friend so far, and even then, I only see her about once a week for about 5 seconds, if I'm lucky. I... almost never see Jessica. And... I dunno...


I'm getting sick and tired of all of this. I truly want to cry. I miss you guys. The lonliness is -literally- too much to bear. I guess that's what I hate most. I'm sick of the constant loneliness I have to endure, each and every day.

It's effected everything in my life. I can't concentrate on my school work, I've become more socially withdrawn than ever... I hate it. I'm starting to not care about schoolwork, and that's definitely not something I want to happen. I'm fairly positive you guys won't even begin to understand the magnitude of this loneliness, but... it's the worst feeling I've felt in my life. And that's really saying something.

Please... help me. I don't know what to do at this point. I'm relapsing into my depressive state of mind, and... I want it to end. I want to see you guys again on a daily basis. I want things to be normal again...

]]> ~Imatak http://Imatak.deviantart.com/journal/18018004/ http://Imatak.deviantart.com/journal/18018004/ Fri, 25 Apr 2008 06:06:55 PDT

Anyhow.

I don't know what to think of North High School as of yet. It's... scary. There's a lot more "bad" people here than there was at Central. But, they don't tease me or anything. They leave me alone, which is what I want.
Another thing I've noticed about this school is though there are many more bad influences, there are also more nerds/geeks/otaku's here than at Central. I've already made 1 friend... I think. I barely see her, but I always get the chance to say hi.


Another thing I'd like to mention. I... want to go back to Central. To be absolutely honest, I don't care about the inevitable teasing I'd have to endure. I just want to see my friends again. I miss you guys so much... I hate going to school and knowing I won't be able to see most of you again for about another year or so.
I'd honestly rather endure the suffering but still see you guys on a daily basis rather than have no one tease me but not be able to see you guys again.

As it is, I'm sick and tired of North.

I miss you guys so much... I mean, whenever I talk to you guys on the phone, my parents have to be in the same room as I do, which... basically means I won't be able to tell you much of anything that's actually getting to me.
Practically the only thing a phone call seems to do nowadays is to make me happy for hearing your voices... nothing more, nothing less.

...*Sigh*. I brought it upon myself, though. I'll have to pay the consequences.

I'll try to keep this account updated, so... yeah.

I love you guys.

-Austin Miller.

]]> ~Imatak