http://search.deviantart.com/?q=by:Immortal-Phoenix&section=today deviantART RSS for by:Immortal-Phoenix en-us Copyright 2009, deviantART.com Thu, 10 Dec 2009 08:01:26 PST deviantART.com http://blogs.law.harvard.edu/tech/rss http://s.deviantart.com/minish/widgets/apple-touch-icon-precomposed.png http://Immortal-Phoenix.deviantart.com/journal/17166484/ http://Immortal-Phoenix.deviantart.com/journal/17166484/ Mon, 03 Mar 2008 15:05:00 PST
its been one year since my back surgery (bone fusion)
im currently in Wade College studying Graphic Design
amber is no longer living with me
we're technically not together, but we're working on everything
my sister is 13 [wow!]
my parents are no longer together
my dad knows im trans
i was featured front page of the dallas observer in sept of last year [link]

i am in Seventeen's march 08 issue (not the prom one) on pg 132

thats all i can think of right now


<3

]]> ~Immortal-Phoenix http://Immortal-Phoenix.deviantart.com/journal/12005714/ http://Immortal-Phoenix.deviantart.com/journal/12005714/ Wed, 28 Feb 2007 19:45:58 PST
hmmm...what's happened?

A WHOLE LOT!!! lol

Mostly just wanted to let people have a general update...such as...

-Amber has moved in with me (Nov '06...Dec officially)

-X-Mas..duh.

-January I had a epidural steriod injection in my lower spine to alleviate pain

NOW on Friday I'm going in for bone fusion surgery...yay?

hey, it should relieve all the pain and allow me to have "normal" activity abilities etc. This means NO MORE 10 lb weight limit AND it means I can go BACK TO MARTIAL ARTS!

Oh yeah...I didn't go to school this semester either due to all the back stuff. But I will be back in Fall of '07 with my friends at NorthLake Community College...that's about it I think.

oh and my brother turned 16 on Monday the 26th (for those of you who know him)

and my sister is 12 haha

<3


peace out homies!

-Jacoby James

]]> ~Immortal-Phoenix http://Immortal-Phoenix.deviantart.com/journal/10828690/ http://Immortal-Phoenix.deviantart.com/journal/10828690/ Thu, 23 Nov 2006 22:14:33 PST
It is Turkey Day! So happy belated turkey day to people and such! I hope everyone had enough turkey to sleep for three days!

Schools going alright just can't wait for the semester to be over.

I've been having some issues with some fuckheads lately but slowly making it through!

This is the first holiday season where we won't be talking for two weeks about going to see my grandma. The first time in 5 years or so when we won't go see her at the nursing home and tell her happy thanksgiving while she eats what they call "turkey" haha. This will be the first christmas we don't see her in awhile either.

This thanksgiving has been so fucking scatter-brained. My family's together but they're not. My plans have changed a few times and I'm not really happy with the results but it's not like people are getting along enough for me to be able to care right?

Things between Amber and I are good, even though the rest of the worlds seems to like to try and make things as difficult as they can. That's alright, 50 years from now when they're all dying or divorced they won't be able to say shit, right?

I got sad today because I started thinking about all the people who couldn't be with their families (don't have any left, Iraq, homeless, nursing homes, estranged, the list goes on...etc) so it made me a little grateful for what I had I guess.

I want more stuffing.

idk what else to say.

I've had the same headache for a week.

I love you guys.

I guess I'll ttyl.

<3


]]> ~Immortal-Phoenix http://Immortal-Phoenix.deviantart.com/journal/10501843/ http://Immortal-Phoenix.deviantart.com/journal/10501843/ Tue, 24 Oct 2006 20:35:03 PDT

I'm not suicidal, I'm just finding it hard to find the best things in life. Yes there are good things, but right now there is so much undefined shit that surpasses all that. I'm not looking to end my life, rather I wish it was MUCH better. Where does that leave me? At depressed? at confused? at stressed? all of the above. so help me...

untitled

once again sleep has eluded me
as my mind takes over

I'm lost in the confusion of my own battle
while trying to appear to be sane

let not the outside deceive you
I cannot live without you
society - the ones who have made me

but at least have the consideration
to give me someone who understands
what's going on

the very people who have helped create me
are the only ones left to choose to help me

trust broken, forever lost
now I'm supposed to overlook

I hope that I can make it through this run
and I hope that it is me, not you, that makes number one



lyrics

Pain Redefined

Fading, falling, lost in forever
Will I find a way to keep it together?
Am I strong enough to last through the weather in the hurricane of my life?
Can it be a conscious decision?
That I look for ways to alter my vision?
Am I speeding towards another collision in the alleyways of my life?

Memories don't lie
You know better than
Memories don't lie
You know better than
Memories don't lie
You know better than
Those who have fallen in
Memories don't lie
You know better than
Memories don't lie
You know better than
Memories don't lie
You know better than
Those who have fallen in

Please believe me
That my eyes deceive me?
Don't stand me up
Just leave me
I have fallen again
This is the end
Pain redefined

Shaking, burning up with the fever
In the realm of pain, I am the deceiver
Now I lie to myself, so I can believe her
As she dissembles my life
I cannot dispel the illusion
All my hopes and dreams are drowned by confusion
Can I find a way to make a solution that will reconfigure my life?

Memories don't lie
You know better than
Memories don't lie
You know better than
Memories don't lie
You know better than
Those who have fallen in
Memories don't lie
You know better than
Memories don't lie
You know better than
Memories don't lie
You know better than
Those who have fallen in

Please believe me
That my ears deceive me
Don't stand me up
Just leave me
I have fallen again
This is the end
Pain redefined

And I know that stillness shatters
We have all been frightened by the
The sound of footsteps on the pavement of our lives
I stand and fight
I'm not afraid to die
Elochai, bury me tonight

Please believe me
That the world decieves me
Don't stand me up
Just leave
I have fallen again
This is the end
Pain redefined



I'm Alive
Disturbed

Never again will I be dishonored
And never again will I be reminded
Of living within the world of the jaded
They kill inspiration
It's my obligation
To never again, allow this to happen
Where do I begin?
The choices are endless
Denying the sin
My art, my redemption
I carry the torch of my fathers before me

The thing I treasure most in life cannot be taken away
There will never be a reason why I will surrender to your advice
To change myself, I'd rather die
Though they will not understand
I won't make the greatest sacrifice
You can't predict where the outcome lies
You'll never take me alive
I'm alive
I'm alive
I'm alive

Change again, cannot be considered
I rage again, dispelling my anger
Where do I begin?
The choices are endless
My art, my redemption, my only salvation
I carry the gift that I have been blessed with
My soul is adrift in oceans of madness
Repairing the rift that you have created
I am not alone, brothers, give me your arms now

The thing I treasure most in life cannot be taken away
There will never be a reason why I will surrender to your advice
To change myself, I'd rather die
Though they will not understand
I won't make the greatest sacrifice
You can't predict where the outcome lies... ]]> ~Immortal-Phoenix http://Immortal-Phoenix.deviantart.com/journal/10490509/ http://Immortal-Phoenix.deviantart.com/journal/10490509/ Mon, 23 Oct 2006 18:17:25 PDT
I just signed up for the Talent Show that's tomorrow (tues oct 24) at 8:00. I was thinking of doing poetry but I have over 200 poems so yeah, that makes deciding hard. They are actually giving trophies so I yeah, I'm gonna try and place. PLEASE - if you have a favorite poem of mine that you think I should do, let me know which one! (if you really wanna make my life easy you can include the link lol)

It's really hard to read your own stuff and make fair judgements on how good/bad it is or w/e so yeah I could use anybody's help for this.

Thank you very much guys!!!!

<3


]]> ~Immortal-Phoenix http://Immortal-Phoenix.deviantart.com/journal/10388918/ http://Immortal-Phoenix.deviantart.com/journal/10388918/ Sat, 14 Oct 2006 09:37:14 PDT
and maybe I sung "Wrapped up in You" by Garth Brooks...

and I made a failed attempt at George Strait "Write this Down" (which is fine cause I only wanted it for the chorus.


and yeah


<3


now...to do "creative arts" stuff and/or go to the Main Street Festival in Old Downtown Irving.





]]> ~Immortal-Phoenix http://Immortal-Phoenix.deviantart.com/journal/9671031/ http://Immortal-Phoenix.deviantart.com/journal/9671031/ Wed, 09 Aug 2006 22:32:48 PDT Mood: agitated

so yeah...it's like 12:23 am and I can't sleep (what else is new right?)

I got a lot going through my mind. Thinking of all the ways I need to take care of myself right now and trying to get my parents to cooperate with me but nontheless it's all being minimalized as per usual. I'd say that if I had a job I'd do it myself but then I wouldn't have the time now would I? It's aggrivating but I've vowed to myself that once school starts and I DO get a job and save up money I am purposefully either A) going to fix a schedule so that I can have time for certain dr. appts or B) going to tell my boss/school straight up that I'm not the healthiest human alive and would appreciate any and all patience and assistance in terms of coming up with appropriate ways to notify them of a drs appt and not worry about getting fired or something stupid.


mom has a job interview in the morning...it's for a title company. she said she was never going back to that but I knew better than that because I know that desperate times call for desperate measures and we've pretty much hit that point. I just hope she tells them about her plans to go to school in the fall.


my sister is freaking out over a waterbug...isn't that nice?

I left this as part of a comment on kandaces journal and after I wrote it and sent it, I thought it was kind of one of those funny/awkward/curious things to think about, so I thought I'd share... "so...if you have multiple personalities...and one takes over your like, entire existence...does that make it identity theft?? You know, if they're trying to play off like they're you??? lmao "


yeah...I'm not sure what this journal was supposed to be about, but that's the glory of it being my journal now isn't it?

I'm gonna go play some games on-line...tempted to try that Helix Frame or w/e it's called (the cube and the connect the colored squares) it's on shockwave.com or I may just do some puzzles...anything to wear my ass out right?

this sleeping thing (or lack of it) is something I'm contemplating talking to my new psych about. I think I actually have one now I just need to set up the apt.

anyways...I'm gonna go and STOP rambling now


dueces.

<3 -Jay


]]> ~Immortal-Phoenix http://Immortal-Phoenix.deviantart.com/journal/9461223/ http://Immortal-Phoenix.deviantart.com/journal/9461223/ Sat, 22 Jul 2006 19:09:02 PDT Mood: stressed to the max

so yeah I'm ticked and I'm not going into specifics because nobody including myself can afford it. i dont like certain ppl right now an ppl that have a problem with that can FUCK OFF. i wana listen to music right now but i cant because missy has my cds and my damn computer speakers wont work only cause we want em to. so yeah heres a a poem and some lyrics.


p.s. life kinda fuckin sucks

lyrics:

Full Nelson
Limp Bizkit

why is everybody always pickin' on me?
does anybody really know a thing about me?
but one of these days we'll be in the same place
in the same place punk, at the very same time yeah,
but when it takes place and you wanna talk shit then step your ass up
and say right to my face -
you'll get knocked the fuck out!!

'cause your mouth's writing checks that your ass can't cash
knocked straight the fuck out
'cause your mouth's writing checks that your ass can't cash

i ain't believing all the shit you've been talkin' about me
don't even know me and still your talkin' shit about me
but one of these days i'm gonna catch you in the act
in the act, red-handed
caught up in the act, punk
and that'll be the day
the one and only day
to step your ass up
and say right to my face!
you'll get knocked the fuck out

'cause your mouth's writing checks that your ass can't cash
knocked straight the fuck out
'cause your mouth's writing checks that your ass can't cash

so where you at? where you been?
i'm sure i'll be seeing you again
'cause this world is really small
can't we all get along?
where you at? where you been?
i'm sure i'll be seeing you again
'cause this world's really small
can't we all get along?
how pathetic are people who verbally rape us with talking?
we try to ignore them - ignore them and still they keep talking
they think that they're building an empire without us
but we've got the torch now
we've got the fire to burn this motherfucker
down down down down
burn this motherfucker down down down down
burn this mother-fucker down [repeat]
you'll get knocked the fuck out
'cause your mouth wrote a check that your ass
can't cash knocked straight the fuck out
'cause your mouth wrote a check that your ass
can't cash you bet your ass can't cash, motherfucker!
just shut your fuckin' mouth! (bring it on, lethal) come on!



Duck And Run
3 Doors Down

To this world I’m unimportant
Just because I have nothing to give
So you call this your free country
Tell me why it cost so much to live
Tell me why
This world can turn me down
But I won’t turn away, oh no
I won’t turn around
All my work and endless measures
Never seem to get me very far
Walk a mile just to move an inch
Now even though I’m trying so damn hard
I’m trying so hard
This world can turn me down but I
Won’t turn away
And I won’t duck and run, cause
I’m not built that way
When everything is gone there is
Nothing there to fear
This world cannot bring me down
No cause I’m already here, oh no!
I am already here,
Down on my knees
I am already here, on no, I am
Already here
I must have told you a thousand times,
I am not running away
I won’t duck and run
I won’t duck and run
I won’t duck and run
No pass away
This world can turn me down but I
Won’t turn away
And I won’t duck and run, cause
I’m not built that way
When everything is gone
There is nothing there to fear
This world cannot bring me down
No cause I’m already here
This world can turn me down
But I won’t turn away
And I won’t duck away
Cause I’m not built that way
When everything is gone there
Is nothing there to fear
This world cannot bring me down
No cause I’m already here


----

poem:

Untitled-July 22, 2006

haunting me
like something unheard of
i'd call it a nightmare
but obviously that's what it is.

i don't know what to say
i don't care about you anymore.

have the best of lives
have the worst of lives
just don't stay in mine.

run away, far from here
never showing your face again.

like a moth to the flame
i'm drawn towards a des... ]]> ~Immortal-Phoenix http://Immortal-Phoenix.deviantart.com/journal/9413311/ http://Immortal-Phoenix.deviantart.com/journal/9413311/ Tue, 18 Jul 2006 06:37:31 PDT

[link]

Mood: content

so yeah last night, for the first time in my life, I got to cut watermelon!!!

I know that sounds petty and stupid to some people, but idk, it just made me feel good to be able to sit and make a mess on the kitchen counter (and not get yelled at for it) while I cut watermelon up and put it in a tupperware dish and mom made Lime Jello (and for those of you who are friends with Limejello here on dA she did NOT cook him lol...he was passed out in bed)

but yeah

now I'm waitin on mom to get out of the shower so we can go to some meeting over at UTA to see if I can't still get in.

I'm fixin to go smoke my last cigarette. I have one cigarette left in my pack and I told my mom yesterday I'm gonna see how long I can go without buyin another pack/smokin another cigarette. We'll see. It probably won't be too bad until I get stressed out again or something, but yeah.

I <3 you guys!

To Kandace:I hope you had fun in Nac! You have to tell me about it when you get home tonight!!! <3

To Thelma and Amber (and whomever else I know at camp): I hope you guys are having fun at camp. I wish I could be lounging in a bunk bed made of wood chattin with you guys right about now. Although I'm sure you're either at breakfast or morning worship right now BUT NOT THE POINT!!! lol Take care guys, and see you on Friday!

To the rest of the world: HI!!!


]]> ~Immortal-Phoenix http://Immortal-Phoenix.deviantart.com/journal/9390299/ http://Immortal-Phoenix.deviantart.com/journal/9390299/ Sat, 15 Jul 2006 23:48:21 PDT

[link]

Mood: agitated

guys I'm sorry about this but I've got to write and believe it or not I have less chance of my parents getting even more mad at me if I write here then if I were to write on paper at my house and it get found. idk what I'm even gonna be writing about I mostly just need to vent and stuff and let shit out but I just feel so jumbled that I can't even write about specifics without just rambling forever first. I can't decide if I am over-reacting or not. if I'm just pissed and I shouldn't be and this whole thing is petty. idk what to do idk what to think and idk where my brains at right now. I seriously feel like it's friggin to burst. there has to be more going on than just what I've been talking to my parents about. and there is. but i just...idk I feel like my brain is fixing to burst at the seems. it's just like spinning on my neck round and round it goes where it stops nobody knows!! whheeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!

dnfgj;hag

okay. fine.

I feel a little better. but idk when I'll ever feel completely better.


ON A BETTER NOTE!!!

I hope all you guys leaving for camp tomorrow have a great time and be careful and of course dont forget about me when you come back!!!


]]> ~Immortal-Phoenix http://Immortal-Phoenix.deviantart.com/journal/9379450/ http://Immortal-Phoenix.deviantart.com/journal/9379450/ Fri, 14 Jul 2006 20:26:03 PDT

[link]

Mood: meh.
Listening to: "If you're goin through Hell" Rodney Atkins

I'm not goin to Stephen F. Austin University in Nacogdoches, Texas anymore. Just for those of you who care to know. YES I am still going to college.


i feel like shit. and im pissed off. this sucks.



If you're goin through Hell
Rodney Atkins

Well, you know those times when you feel like
There's a sign there on your back.
Says: "I don't mind if you kick me;
"Seems like everybody has."
Things go from bad to worse:
You think they can't get worse than that an' then they do.

You step off the straight an' narrow,
An' you don't know where you are.
Use the needle of your compass,
To sew up your broken heart.
Ask directions from a genie,
In a bottle of Jim Beam an' she lies to you.

Well, that's when you learn the truth:
If you're goin' through hell,
Keep on goin'.
Don't slow down:
If you're scared don't show it.
You might get out,
'Fore the devil even knows you're there.

Well, I've been deep down in that darkness,
I been down to my last match.
Felt a hundred different demons,
Breathin' fire down my back.
An' I knew that if I stumbled,
I'd fall right into the trap that they were layin', yeah.

But the good news is there's angels,
Everywhere out on the street.
Holdin' out a hand,
To pull you back up on your feet:
The one's that you been draggin' so long,
You're on your knees; you might as well be prayin'.

Guess what I'm sayin':
If you're goin' through hell,
Keep on goin'.
Don't slow down:
If you're scared don't show it.
You might get out,
'Fore the devil even knows you're there.

Yeah, if you're goin' through hell,
Keep on movin'.
Face that fire:
Walk right through it.
You might get out,
'Fore the devil even knows you're there.
Oooh.

Instrumental break.

If you're goin' through hell,
Keep on goin'.
Don't slow down:
If you're scared don't show it.
You might get out,
'Fore the devil even knows you're there.

Yeah, if you're goin' through hell,
Keep on movin'.
Face that fire:
Walk right through it.
You might get out,
'Fore the devil even knows you're there.

Yeah, you might get out,
'Fore the devil even knows you're there.
Yeah.
Ooh, ooh ooh.
Oh.


]]> ~Immortal-Phoenix http://Immortal-Phoenix.deviantart.com/journal/9357179/ http://Immortal-Phoenix.deviantart.com/journal/9357179/ Wed, 12 Jul 2006 18:03:09 PDT

[link]

a member of Pink Floyd thought it would be cute to die last night...

the guitarist Syd barrett was the founder of the band and was exiled from the band at the brink of it's stardom died on Friday July 7th 2006.

but yeah anyway


I'm back from Florida and it was great! Too many details to put in here, besides it'd be so long you wouldn't want to read it anyway. I'll just let you know where we went.

In Florida:

Aventura (uncle's condo and beaches)
Ft. Lauderdale (beach and parasailing)
Orlando (Universal Islands of Adventure)
St. Petersburg (Jeri's friend and more beaches
Miami (There shops, the beach, and of course Miami Ink)

In Mississippi:

Vicksburg (hotel and gambling for the parents)

In Louisiana:

Shreveport (see vicksburg, mississippi)

but yeah it was cool


I might be writing a poem or poems and put them up here. idk yet. I do need to write.

well, ttyl guys!!!


]]> ~Immortal-Phoenix http://Immortal-Phoenix.deviantart.com/journal/9213141/ http://Immortal-Phoenix.deviantart.com/journal/9213141/ Wed, 28 Jun 2006 17:45:03 PDT

[link]

So I'm leaving early tomorrow afternoon for Florida. It's a 21 hour drive. I'll be back in town either July 9th or 10th. First I get to go to the back doctor and see if I can do anything to relieve the pain in my lower back/hip(s).


I decided to try this thing out and see how I did. I chose Staind and I was actually surprised at how well I was able to find answers that were relevant. yAy for Staind having real-life lyrics AND song titles lol (obviously some of them are a little stretched to fit but like Zoe Jane if you read the lyrics it fits the question a little)

Here ya go guys!

Choose a band and use the song titles for the answers to the questions:

I chose Staind

1.) Are you a male or female?
No One's Kind

2.) Describe yourself:
Me

3.) How do you feel about yourself?
So Far Away

4.) Describe your ex boyfriend / girlfriend:
Nameless

5.) Describe how you feel at the moment:
Falling

6.) Describe your current location:
Right Here

7.) Describe where you want to be:
Safe Place

8.) Your best friend/friends is/are:
Zoe Jane

9.) Your favorite colour is:
See Through All

10.) You know:
It's Been Awhile

11.) What's the weather like?
Raw

12.) If your life was a television show, what would it be called?
Schizophrenic Conversations

13.) What is life to you?
Excess Baggage

14.) What is the best advice you have to give?
Open Your Eyes

15.) If you could change your name, what would you change it to?
King of All Excuses


]]> ~Immortal-Phoenix http://Immortal-Phoenix.deviantart.com/journal/9040977/ http://Immortal-Phoenix.deviantart.com/journal/9040977/ Sun, 11 Jun 2006 20:49:20 PDT

[link]

Mood: <-as opposed to???
Listening to: Blue October (foiled CD)

Look at the bottom of this journal for more stereotypes that Charley and I came up with.





I'm SKINNY, so I MUST be fast.

I'm EMO, so I MUST cut my wrists.

I'm BLACK, so I MUST carry a gun.

I'm HISPANIC, so I MUST be dirty.

I'm ASIAN, so I MUST be smart.

I'm NOT LIKE EVERYONE ELSE, so I MUST be a loser.

I'm JEWISH, so I MUST be greedy.

I'm GAY, so I MUST have AIDS.

I'm a LESBIAN, so I MUST have a sex-tape.

I'm ARAB, so I MUST be a terrorist.

I SPEAK MY MIND, so I MUST be a bitch.

Im OVERWEIGHT, so I MUST have a problem with self control.

Im RELIGIOUS, so I MUST shove my beliefs down your throat.

I'm an ATHEIST, so I MUST hate the world.

I DON'T HAVE A RELIGION, so I MUST not have morals.

I'm REPUBLICAN, so I MUST not care about poor people.

I'm DEMOCRAT, so I MUST not believe in being responsible.

I am LIBERAL, so I MUST be gay.

I'm SOUTHERN, so I MUST be white trash.

I TAKE ANTI-DEPRESSANTS, so I MUST be crazy.

I'm a GUY, so I MUST only want to get into your pants.

I'm IRISH, so I MUST have a bad drinking problem.

I'm INDIAN, so I MUST own a convenient store.

I'm NATIVE AMERICAN, so I MUST dance around a fire screaming like a savage.

I'm PREPPY, so I MUST shun those who don't wear Abercrombie & Hollister.

I'm a CHEERLEADER, so I MUST be a whore

I'm on a DANCE team, so I must be stupid, stuck up, and a whore

I wear skirts a lot, so I MUST be a slut

I'm a PUNK, so I MUST do drugs.

I'm YOUNG, so I MUST be naïve.

I'm RICH, so I MUST be a conceited snob.

I WEAR BLACK, so I MUST be a goth.

I'm BLONDE, so I MUST be a stupid ditz

I'm WHITE GIRL, so I MUST be a nagging, steal-your-money kind of girlfriend.

I'm CUBAN, so I MUST spend my spare time rolling cigars

I'm MEXICAN, so I MUST have hopped the border

I'm NOT A VIRGIN, so I MUST be easy

I FELL IN LOVE WITH A MARRIED MAN, so I
MUST be an irresponsible slut!!

I'm a TEENAGE MOM, so I MUST be a home-wrecking whore.

I'm POLISH, so I MUST wear my socks with my sandals

I'm ITALIAN, so I must have a big cock!

I GOT A CAR FOR MY BIRTHDAY, so I MUST be a spoiled brat.

I'm PRETTY, so I MUST not be a virgin.

I HAVE STRAIGHT A's, so I MUST have no social life

I DYE MY HAIR CRAZY COLORS, so I MUST be looking for attention.

I DRESS IN UNUSUAL WAYS, so I MUST be looking for attention.

I'm INTO THEATRE & ART, so I MUST be a homosexual.

I'm a VEGETARIAN, so I MUST be a crazy political activist.

I HAVE A BUNCH OF GUY FRIENDS, so I MUST be fucking them all.

I HAVE A BUNCH OF GIRLS WHO ARE FRIENDS, so I MUST be gay.

I HAVE BIG BOOBS so I MUST be a hoe

I'm COLOMBIAN, so I MUST be a drug dealer.

I WEAR WHAT I WANT, so I MUST be a poser.

I'm RUSSIAN, so I MUST be cool and thats how Russians roll.

I'm GERMAN, so I MUST be a Nazi.

I hang out with GAYS, so I MUST be gay too.

I'm BRAZILIAN, so I MUST have a BIG BUTT.

I'm PUERTO RICAN, so I MUST look good and be conceited

I'm SALVADORIAN, so I MUST be in MS 13

I'm POLISH, so I MUST be greedy

I'm HAWAIIAN so I MUST be lazy

Im a STONER so I MUST be going in the wrong direction

Im a VIRGIN so I MUST be prude.

I'm a FEMALE GAMER, so I MUST be ugly or crazy.

I'm BLACK so I MUST love fried chicken.

Im Bi so I MUST think every girl I see is hot.

I'm ASIAN so I MUST have a small penis.

I'm HONDURAN so I MUST be a idiot

-----

SOME THAT I ADDED FOR MYSELF...

I'm "DEAF" so I MUST be dumb

I'm SHORT so I MUST be like, 12.

I SMOKE so I MUST be a rebel.

I'm HYPERACTIVE so I MUST be immature.

I'm OCD so I MUST be crazy.

I'm BIPOLAR... ]]> ~Immortal-Phoenix http://Immortal-Phoenix.deviantart.com/journal/9038117/ http://Immortal-Phoenix.deviantart.com/journal/9038117/ Sun, 11 Jun 2006 15:01:47 PDT

[link]

Mood: <-as opposed to???
Listening to: Blue October (foiled CD)

so um yeah...I graduated.

I got my eyebrow and lip pierced.

umm

goin to florida in like 2 weeks from today

and goin to houston either next weekend or after florida

start college in late august

and someone might be movin out in that area too so that's cool
I'm pumped!
p.s. I wanna talk to you about that/help you with it if you're serious about it <3


I'm waitin for mom to get home so she can see my face

I got em done last night.

I finally put a pic of my tattoo that I got in april into my scrapbook here on dA.

I also put up pics of me on here and on myspace so check it out homes!!


p.s. cell phones out try again later in the week or just call me at home.

I'm not postin my number here so note me if you need/want it

kthanks


]]> ~Immortal-Phoenix http://Immortal-Phoenix.deviantart.com/journal/8914084/ http://Immortal-Phoenix.deviantart.com/journal/8914084/ Mon, 29 May 2006 17:53:55 PDT

[link]

Mood: <-as opposed to???
Listening to: Blue October (foiled CD)

So yeah, this weekend was pretty f-ing cool!!


Friday I met Charley's mom for the first time (and I've known him for 5 years)

Saturday I stayed at Amber's house

Sunday had Trix for breakfast, Arby's for Lunch, went to NRH20, and had Applebee's for dinner.

Stayed the night at Amber's again

Today I started cleaning my room

and we went to Grapevine Mills Mall.

I got the new Blue October CD Foiled

and Flyleaf's CD

<3

I'm pretty much content with life right now.

Can't wait til tomorrow


Have some lyrics <3<3<3<3

Make sure you read 18th Floor Balcony

Be Your Man
Josh Turner

Baby lock the door and turn the light down low
Put some music on that's soft and slow
Baby we ain't got no place to go
I hope you understand

I’ve been thinking 'bout this all day long
Never felt a feeling quite this strong
I can't believe how much it turns me on
Just to be your man

There's no hurry
Don't you worry
We can take out time
Come a little closer
Lets go over
What i had in mind

Baby lock the door and turn the light down low
Put some music on that's soft and slow
Baby we ain't got no place to go
I hope you understand

I’ve been thinking 'bout this all day long
Never felt a feeling quite this strong
I can't believe how much it turns me on
Just to be your man

Ain't nobody ever love nobody
The way that i love you
We're alone now
You don't how
Long I’ve wanted to

Lock the door and turn the light down low
Put some music on that's soft and slow
Baby we ain't got no place to go
I hope you understand

I’ve been thinking bout this all day long
never felt a feeling that was quite this strong
I can't believe how much it turns me on
Just to be your man
I Can't believe how much it turns me on
Just to be your man


Into the Ocean
Blue October

I'm just a normal boy
That sank when I fell overboard
My ship would leave the country
But I'd rather swim ashore

Without a life that's sadly stuck again
Wish I was much more masculine
Maybe then I could learn to swim
Like 'fourteen miles away'

You're floating up and down
I spin, colliding into sound
Like whales beneath me diving down
I'm sinking to the bottom of my
Everything that freaks me out
The lighthouse beam has just run out
I'm cold as cold as cold can be
be

I want to swim away but don't know how
Sometimes it feels just like I'm falling in the ocean
Let the waves up take me down
Let the hurricane set in motion
Let the rain of what I feel right now...come down
Let the rain come down

Where is the coastguard
I keep looking each direction
For a spotlight, give me something
I need something for protection
Maybe flotsam junk will do just fine
The jets, I'm sunk, I'm left behind
I'm treading for my life believe me
(How can I keep up this breathing)

Not knowing how to think
I scream aloud, begin to sink
My legs and arms are broken down
With envy for the solid ground
I'm reaching for the life within me
How can one man stop his ending
I thought of just your face
Relaxed, and floated into space

I want to swim away but don't know how
Sometimes it feels just like I'm falling in the ocean
Let the waves up take me down
Let the hurricane set in motion
Let the rain of what I feel right now...come down
Let the rain come down
Let the rain come down

Now waking to the sun
I calculate what I had done
Like jumping from the bow (yeah)
Just to prove I knew how (yeah)
It's midnight's late reminder of
The loss of her, the o... ]]> ~Immortal-Phoenix http://Immortal-Phoenix.deviantart.com/journal/8846790/ http://Immortal-Phoenix.deviantart.com/journal/8846790/ Mon, 22 May 2006 16:29:25 PDT

[link]

Mood: PUMPED!
Listening to: Kryptonite - 3 doors down

Blow Away

Live in my head for just one day
I see myself and look away
The road is showing now on my face
Soon I'll disappear
I'll disappear without a fucking trace

[Chorus]

Faces that I've seen turn old and grey
I've lost too many friends along the way
Memories I never thought would fade
They fade and blow away

I wish that I could disappear
Unzip my skin and leave it here
So I could be no one again
And never let nobody,
I'd let nobody
I'd let nobody in

[Chorus]

So now the walls are closing in
Because in life you sink or swim
Sometimes these shoes don't feel right in my head
Feel like a book that can't be read,
A book that can't be,
A book that can't be read

[Chorus]


]]> ~Immortal-Phoenix http://Immortal-Phoenix.deviantart.com/journal/8827652/ http://Immortal-Phoenix.deviantart.com/journal/8827652/ Sat, 20 May 2006 16:47:09 PDT

[link]

Mood: PUMPED!
Listening to: Kryptonite - 3 doors down

okay, so yeah...


My weekend has been AWESOME!!!

GOD!


okay yeah...so umm

I watched The Da Vinci Code today, which pretty much was the bomb!


and my cat is having contractions.


Yes Lauren my cat is having contractions





]]> ~Immortal-Phoenix http://Immortal-Phoenix.deviantart.com/journal/8771039/ http://Immortal-Phoenix.deviantart.com/journal/8771039/ Sun, 14 May 2006 17:30:12 PDT

[link]

Mood: satisfied
Listening to: Kryptonite - 3 doors down

[sex]


so prom was flippin AWESOME!!!

and after prom was even better!!!


man...sweet dreams are made of these, who am I to disagree...





<3

Wink
Neal McCoy

I woke up this morning my head felt dense
I splashed it with water trying to make it make sense
I stumbled to the kitchen she was standing at the sink
All she had to do was just give me that wink

And slam bam I'm feelin' alright
Troubles take a hike in the blink of an eye
Don't need to psychoanalyze or have a stiff drink
All she's gotta do is just give me that wink

Well it's her way of saying she's on my side
An unspoken message that works every time
When my brain starts smokin' and I can't even think
All she's gotta do is just give me that wink

And slam bam I'm feelin' alright
Troubles take a hike in the blink of an eye
Don't need to psychoanalyze or have a stiff drink
All she's gotta do is just give me that wink

In this complicated world it may sound absurd
But simple little things are the miracle cures
Pushed to the limit or standing at the brink
All she's gotta do is just give me that wink

And slam bam I'm feelin' alright
Troubles take a hike in the blink of an eye
Don't need to psychoanalyze or have a stiff drink
All she's gotta do is just give me that wink
And slam bam I'm feelin' alright
Troubles take a hike in the blink of an eye
Don't need to psychoanalyze or have a stiff drink
All she's gotta do is just give me that wink
All she's gotta do is just give me that wink


Your body is a wonderland
John Mayer


We got the afternoon
You got this room for two
One thing I've left to do
Discover me
Discovering you

One mile to every inch of
Your skin like porcelain
One pair of candy lips and
Your bubblegum tongue

And if you want love
We'll make it
Swim in a deep sea
Of blankets
Take all your big plans
And break 'em
This is bound to be awhile

Your body is a wonderland
Your body is a wonder (I'll use my hands)
Your body is a wonderland

Something 'bout the way the hair falls in your face
I love the shape you take when crawling towards the pillowcase
You tell me where to go and
Though I might leave to find it
I'll never let your head hit the bed
Without my hand behind it

You want love?
We'll make it
Swim in a deep sea
Of blankets
Take all your big plans
And break 'em
This is bound to be awhile

Your body is a wonderland
Your body is a wonder (I'll use my hands)
Your body is a wonderland

Damn baby
You frustrate me
I know you're mine all mine all mine
But you look so good it hurts sometimes

Your body is a wonderland
Your body is a wonder (I'll use my hands)
Your body is a wonderland
Your body is a wonderland

You and Me
Lifehouse

What day is it? And in what month?
This clock never seemed so alive
I can't keep up and I can't back down
I've been losing so much time

Cause it's you and me and all of the people with nothing to do
Nothing to lose
And it's you and me and all of the people
And I don't know why, I can't keep my eyes off of you

All of the things that I want to say just aren't coming out right
I'm tripping on words
You've got my head spinning
I don't know where to go from here

Cause it's you and me and all of the people with nothing to do
Nothing to prove
And it's you and me and all of the people
And I don't know why, I can't keep my eyes off of you

There's something about you now
I can't quite figure out
Everything she does is beautiful
Everything she does is right

Cause it's you and... ]]> ~Immortal-Phoenix http://Immortal-Phoenix.deviantart.com/journal/8757754/ http://Immortal-Phoenix.deviantart.com/journal/8757754/ Sat, 13 May 2006 09:57:13 PDT

[link]

Mood: PUMPED!
Listening to: Kryptonite - 3 doors down

So yeah, idk how to get hold of like, half the people on here so um ...yeah haha here are my plans for today:

about 5:00pm go over to ity's
6opmMillenium Fountain
about 6:30/7:00pm Cafe Brazil!
after that it's prom! (from like 8:00-10:00/11:00pm)
and then my house until I take people home and then come back and chill!



If you want in on the action, just talk to me and I'll see what we can do!


Everybody enjoy prom if you're going!

and if you're not...I really hope you have a great day too!


I'M PUMPED!!!





]]> ~Immortal-Phoenix http://Immortal-Phoenix.deviantart.com/journal/8743728/ http://Immortal-Phoenix.deviantart.com/journal/8743728/ Thu, 11 May 2006 19:35:44 PDT

[link]

Mood: blah

Tonight was pretty awesome! I got to watch a friend's dad's friend test for his black belt. He was really good too! It lasted three hours and it still wasn't over whenever we left, and he was the only one testing! Made me wanna go back into Karate more than I've wanted to this year, but I don't have the money or the time unfortunately. But yeah, that was great!

"thank you sir"

(what he said right before he got to flip a guy over his shoulder that was twice his size in all dimensions and had to be at least twice his wait...haha he didn't really have much of a choice though lol


----


Sometimes I'm really glad that my parents don't delve into my life as much as some of my friend's parents do, but I think tonight I coulda used my parents just knowin what was going on. Not their 21 questions or them wanting details...just them knowing I didn't feel so good. Sometimes I wonder what it's like, or what it would be like if my parents ever knew when I was having a hard time within myself.

And that was a slight rambling session brought to you by Jacoby James...

and now for lyrics

Pressure
Staind

I just need this to be all right
I can't feel this another night

I can't take this I come unglued
I just need this to be alright
I can't feel this another night

I can't take this I come unglued
I might breakdown in front of you
necessary to medicate
I'm not sleeping, can't stay awake

Can't see through this
Too much pressure
Drowning in this
Too much pressure

If you need me I'll be here
Half unconscious to escape my fear

I can't take this I come unglued
I might breakdown in front of you
necessary to medicate
I'm not sleeping, can't stay awake

Can't see through this
Too much pressure
Drowning in this
Too much pressure

My head hurts this shit isn't getting me high
My chest is so tight am I going to die
My stomach's in knots and the room starts to spin
As I wait for this valium to slowly kick in

Can't see through this
Too much pressure
Drowning in this
Too much pressure

TOO MUCH PRESSURE!


Raw
Staind

RAW

The pictures left with me won't fade
These images affect me every day
Cause of you I feel I don't deserve
The life I see in her

Just don't leave me
RAW

Inside I'm so cold
Inside I'm so cold

RAW

I've never been someone who knows
My choices haunt me everywhere I go
Finally did something right for myself
My life to you no one else

Just don't leave me
RAW

Inside I'm so cold
Inside I'm so cold

I'm so cold
I feel so cold

I CAN'T TAKE THIS
RAW
I feel so...

Inside I'm so cold
Inside I'm so cold

RAW

I feel so:

RAW


Mudshovel
Staind

You take away
I feel the same

You take away
I feel the same
All the promises you made to me you made in vain
I lost myself inside your tainted smile again

Cause you can't feel my ANGER
You can't feel my pain
You can't feel my torment
Driving me insane
I can't fight these feelings they will bring you pain
You can't take away
Make me whole again

I feel betrayed
Stuck in your ways
And you rip me apart
With the brutal things you say
I can't deal with shit anymore
I just look away

Cause you can't feel my ANGER
You can't feel my pain
You can't feel my torment
Driving me insane
I can't fight these feelings they bring only pain
You can't take away
Make me whole again

Mudshovel

You take away
I feel the same
All these promises
You promised only pain
If you take away
And leave me with nothing again

'Cause you can't feel my ANGER
You can't feel my pain
You can't feel my torment
Driving me insane
I can't fight these feelings they will bring you pain
You can't take away
Make me whole again ~Immortal-Phoenix http://Immortal-Phoenix.deviantart.com/journal/8724151/ http://Immortal-Phoenix.deviantart.com/journal/8724151/ Tue, 09 May 2006 18:53:10 PDT

[link]

Mood: I miss you...

Letters to you
Finch

Can't you see
That I wanna be
There with open arms
It's empty tonight
And I'm all alone
Get me through this one

Do you notice I'm gone?
Where do you run to
So far away?

I want you to know that
I miss you, I miss you so
I want you to know that
I miss you, I miss you so

I'm writing again
These letters to you
Aren't much I know
But I'm not sleeping and
You're not here
The thought stops my heart

Do you notice I'm gone?
Where do you run to
So far away?

I want you to know that
I miss you, I miss you so
I want you to know that
I miss you, I miss you so
I want you to know that
I miss you, I miss you so
I want you to know that
I miss you, I miss you so

I've gone away
I've gone away


I Want To Hold Your Hand Lyrics
The Beatles

Oh yeah, I'll tell you something,
I think you'll understand.
When I'll say that something
I want to hold your hand,
I want to hold your hand,
I want to hold your hand.

Oh please, say to me
You'll let me be your man
And please, say to me
You'll let me hold your hand.
Now let me hold your hand,
I want to hold your hand.

And when I touch you I feel happy inside.
It's such a feeling that my love
I can't hide, I can't hide, I can't hide.

Yeah, you've got that something,
I think you'll understand.
When I'll say that something
I want to hold your hand,
I want to hold your hand,
I want to hold your hand.

And when I touch you I feel happy inside.
It's such a feeling that my love
I can't hide, I can't hide, I can't hide.

Yeh, you've got that something,
I think you'll understand.
When I'll feel that something
I want to hold your hand,
I want to hold your hand,
I want to hold your hand.

I miss you
Incubus

To see you when I wake up
Is a gift I didn't think could be real.
To know that you feel the same as I do
Is a three-fold, Utopian dream.

You do something to me that I can't explain.
So would I be out of line if I said "I miss you"?

I see your picture.
I smell your skin on
The empty pillow next to mine.
You have only been gone ten days,
But already I'm wasting away.
I know I'll see you again
Whether far or soon.
But I need you to know that I care,
And I miss you.


One Wish
Ray J

Damn baby
Just don't understand where we went wrong
I gave you my heart
I gave you my soul
I gave you...

As a matter of fact I was the one who said I love you first
It was about eight years ago, don't act like you don't know
We were sittin' at home in your mama's livin' room
Cause, we couldn't be alone
See your mama knew I was something else, she knew how I felt
Back then we were in school; and that's your favourite excuse
Growin' up I was a fool; and I can't lie I'm missing you
Listen and don't trip
I think I need a bottle with a genie in it
Here's my wish list

First one, I would create a heart changing love
Second one, I'll take yours and fill it all the way up
Third one, but I don't need a lot of wishes cause I'll be okay if I get one

If I had one wish, we would be best friends
Love would never end, it would just begin
If I had one wish, you would be my boo
Promise to love you, trust me I'll trust you
If I had one wish, we would run away
Making love all day, have us a baby
If I had one wish, I'd make you my whole life
And you'd be my wife, make it right this time

If I had one wish
One wish, one wish, one wish
One wish, one wish, one wish
One wish, one wish, one wish
One wish, one wish, one wish

Now tell me is this the only way I can get you right back in
If so then searchin' I'll go, then I can have you for sho
Then you'll be loving me, holding me, kissing me
So girl don't tell me what I'm feeling is make believe
I swear if I lose a second chance with you
I wouldn't know what to do
I'... ]]> ~Immortal-Phoenix http://Immortal-Phoenix.deviantart.com/journal/8674621/ http://Immortal-Phoenix.deviantart.com/journal/8674621/ Thu, 04 May 2006 17:35:55 PDT

[link]

Mood: hahaha

I'm at group right now. This song popped in my head so I decided to post it because it partially seemed appropriate.

I might be on an Uncle Kracker kick right now, whose really to say?

I miss my Uncle Kracker cd right now

<3


Follow Me
Uncle Kracker

You don't know how you met me
You don't know why, you cant turn around and say good-bye
All you know is when im with you I make you free
And swim through your veins like a fish in the sea
I'm singing....

Follow me
Everything is alright
I'll be the one to tuck you in at night
And if you want to leave
I can guarantee
You won't find nobody else like me

And I worry 'bout the ring you wear
Cause as long as no one knows
That nobody can care
Your fellin guilty
And I'm well aware
But you don't look ashamed
And baby I'm not scared
Im singin...

Follow me
Everything is alright
I'll be the one to tuck you in at night
And if you want to leave
I can guarantee
You won't find nobody else like me

Solo

Won't give you money
I can't give you the sky
It better off if you don't ask why
I'm not the reason that you go stranded
We'll be alright if you don't ask me to stay

Follow me
Everything is alright
I'll be the one to tuck you in at night
And if you want to leave
I can guarantee
You won't find nobody else like me

You don't know how you met me
You don't know why, you cant turn around and say good-bye
All you know is when im with you I make you free
And swim through your veins like a fish in the sea
I'm singing....

Follow me
Everything is alright
I'll be the one to tuck you in at night
And if you want to leave
I can guarantee
You won't find nobody else like me

Follow me
Everything is alright
I'll be the one to tuck you in at night
And if you want to leave
I can guarantee
You won't find nobody else like me

Follow me
Everything is alright
I'll be the one to tuck you in at night
And if you want to leave
I can guarantee
You won't find nobody else like me


Better Days
Unce Kracker

Click here to send Uncle Kracker polyphonic ringtone to your cell phone.
85 miles out of Nashville, thinkin’ bout the way things change
Try an keep it by the reigns
I’m a lone drifter, big money flipper
Take anything you got on the rocks in a snifter
I missed her in Kentucky, went down to Louisiana
I never had no lovin’ like I had in Alabama
A man of my word ain’t out to hurt nobody
I’m jus a m c to keep the boogie in the party
Been singin’ lodi dodi since 84 and
I’ll be singin’ lodi dodi ‘til I’m 84
I couldn’t ask for more, life’s been sweet
So you can save the planet, I’ll save your seat

I been gone for weeks, I ain’t slept in days
I can’t find myself in this self made maze
It’s been so long since I’ve been fine
I’m just tryin’ to see the bottom of this bottle of wine

CHORUS:
And I know I’ll see better days
Well I know you’ll see things my way

I never thought about change until
Spend a little time where time stood still
Been lookin’ for a mill but I keep comin’ up shy
I been a broke fool, I ain’t tryin’ to be that guy
Wanna ride like lightning, roll like thunder
I’m tryin’ to get some money, I ain’t getting any younger
At times I wonder, at times I won’t
Sometimes I give a fuck but most times I don’t
…even care, through stained glass windows these eyes stare
I try to stay straight but it’s kickin’ my ass
Every time I look ahead I get a glimpse of the past
I sit half mass like a soldier’s flag
That’s why my left leg limps and my Dickies sag
It’s been so long since I’ve been fine
I’m just tryin’ to see the bottom of this bottle of wine

REPEAT CHORUS

Well I been all around this crooked land
I come across all walks, I shook Jim Beam’s hand
I got no plans and no place to go
It keeps getting harder to just say no
I see the people l... ]]> ~Immortal-Phoenix http://Immortal-Phoenix.deviantart.com/journal/8650496/ http://Immortal-Phoenix.deviantart.com/journal/8650496/ Tue, 02 May 2006 09:44:16 PDT

[link]

Mood: MANIC!

YOU THERE!!! [whispers to sidekick] CAKE OR DEATH?!?!



so yeah... these last few days have had there ups and downs (more than I have lol)

This weekend was good and then Sunday I found out that my old baby-sitter was in town and it scared the shit out of me (not necessarily good memories there lol)
but I found out today that she just visits once a month cause of a choir thing she's with and her son (whom I do not like with a firey passion) is still in houston so that's good thing.

Also, someting else really good happened yesterday, but that's not for me to say right now. If you REALLY wanna know, I GUESS you could ask lmao but I'm not putting it online so yeah


only like, FOUR WEEKS until schools over!!


I'm goin to gay prom on saturday


and our prom the next saturday

and then shit's just gonna whiz by after that

lol


<3


To all my friends: I LOVE YOU


]]> ~Immortal-Phoenix http://Immortal-Phoenix.deviantart.com/journal/8638667/ http://Immortal-Phoenix.deviantart.com/journal/8638667/ Mon, 01 May 2006 07:18:25 PDT

[link]

Mood: blah-zay

Heard this song for the first time on the radio yesterday afternoon on the way from dropping amber off - before our softball game. Seemed appropriate


Animal I've Become
3 Days Grace

I can't escape this hell
So many times i've tried
But i'm still caged inside
Somebody get me through this nightmare
I can't control myself

So what if you can see the darkest side of me?
No one would ever change this animal I have become
Help me believe it's not the real me
Somebody help me tame this animal
(This animal, this animal)

I can't escape myself
(I can't escape myself)
So many times i've lied
(So many times i've lied)
But there's still rage inside
Somebody get me through this nightmare
I can't control myself

So what if you can see the darkest side of me?
No one would ever change this animal I have become
Help me believe it's not the real me
Somebody help me tame this animal I have become
Help me believe it's not the real me
Somebody help me tame this animal

Somebody help me through this nightmare
I can't control myself
Somebody wake me from this nightmare
I can't escape this animal

(This animal, this animal, this animal, this animal, this animal, this animal, this animal)

So what if you can see the darkest side of me?
No one will ever change this animal I have become
Help me believe it's not the real me
Somebody help me tame this animal I have become
Help me believe it's not the real me
Somebody help me tame this animal
(This animal I have become)


]]> ~Immortal-Phoenix http://Immortal-Phoenix.deviantart.com/journal/8638479/ http://Immortal-Phoenix.deviantart.com/journal/8638479/ Mon, 01 May 2006 06:51:24 PDT

[link]

Mood: blah-zay
Listening to: ...

"Si vis pacem, para bellum. If you want peace, prepare for war. " Frank Castle (The Punisher)


so I have something(s) on my mind... some of it's too much to go into it, and I don't really wanna talk about it, so I'm just gonna post some lyrics. At the end of the journal are some quotes from The Punisher movie. I just don't know what to do right now...taking it one day at a time sounds like a good start.

Razorblade
Blue October

In the day by day collision
Called the art of growing up
There's an innocence we look for in the stars
To be taken back to younger days
When there was no giving up
On the people we held closest to our hearts

Yeah it is you that I remember in that glowing
It is you that took my first away from me
It is you I set my standards to... to every walk of life
I haven't met another you since you were with me.

(Chorus)
A brief bout with a razorblade cut me
I freaked out, thinking people didn't love me
I watched closely as the you I knew forgot me
In letting go, I am so proud of what I've done

In a way, I failed religion
I spit the wine from mouth to cup
And I reached for something more than just your God
Uncle, you spared not your children
And while your praying hands are up
There's no forgiveness for you! You sick fuck!

It is you that I remember in their bedroom
It is you that took their first away from them
It is you they set their standards to
You wounded them for life
You were a preacher and suppose to be above men

Sing with me
(Chorus)
A brief bout with a razorblade cut me
I freaked out, thinking people didn't love me
I watched closely as the you I knew forgot me
In letting go, I am so proud of what I've done

---

Chameleon Boy
Blue October


i changed my color for you
i shed my coat with caution
i lack the beauty you display
see here there are the bruises
and some were self-inflicted
and some showed up along the way
so i nod my head
im ready for the world to see
the secret i kept here inside the man you thought id be
slip into coma calm
the coma where i calm myself down
here comes excuses why i let you down

stand by for another breakdown
sound off the alarm
is this the chameleon boy i swore i wouldnt become
chameleon boy
chameleon boy

so now weve come upon the hardest thing ive ever done
its telling you that im a mess
what sort of mess i mean
is self-destructive gasoline
the kind that strips you of your best
and while i play insteadthe way that most would end up dead
you sleep alone at home and wish that i was in our bed
with this im telling you
my color changes back to blue
how do i ask you this
will you help me through

stand by for another breakdown
sound off the alarm
is this the chameleon boy i swore i wouldnt become
stand by for another breakdown
sound off the alarm
is this the chameleon boy i swore i wouldnt become
chameleon boy
chameleon boy

i try to think of all the people i look up to
or growing up who would i be
now the twisted part
whered all my idols end up
they all passed away
passed away

stand by
its chameleon boy
stand by
its chameleon boy
Chameleon Boy
I'm chameleon boy...
chameleon boy...



-------------------------------
Frank Castle: It's been five months since my family was killed. I don't see ONE man in jail.
Police Chief Morris: Obviously you're upset...
Frank Castle: Upset? Is that the word? I used to get upset. When I got a flat tire, when a plane was delayed. I used to get *upset* when the Yankees won the series. So if that's what upset means, what am I feeling now? If you know the word, tell me because I don't.

-------------------------------

The Punisher: Those who do evil to others - the killers, the rapists, psychos, sadists - you will come to know me well. Frank Castle is dead. Call me The Punisher.
-------------------------------
Joan: What makes you any di... ]]> ~Immortal-Phoenix http://Immortal-Phoenix.deviantart.com/journal/8633082/ http://Immortal-Phoenix.deviantart.com/journal/8633082/ Sun, 30 Apr 2006 16:43:12 PDT

[link]

Mood: blah-zay
Listening to: ...

so friday I was Amber's for a while helping her with a project. Then Bubba and I went to see April. Went home and just chilled.

Saturday I was supposed to have softball practice but it rained so that was fucked. Instead we chilled most the day and got Amber at 6 and then we went and hung out. Amber stayed the night, and that was cool. I didn't get to sleep until 5:30 Sunday morning. it's fine haha

Sunday, woke up at 9:30am (yay for four hours sleep). Chilled, had coffee and made breakfast. Took Amber home and then had a double header softball game at 1 and 2

First we played the Lightening...they're the best team in the league and they beat us 15-10
and the second game we played the Jams and they won 6 to 2.

We're gettin better at this whole not leaving such a huge gap in our losses which is good. We've won a few games, and after three weeks of not practicing, this is pretty damn good.

so yeah...anywho....


I'm gonna go keep listening to my internal radio and finish up online.


peace out dudes

<3


]]> ~Immortal-Phoenix http://Immortal-Phoenix.deviantart.com/journal/8515912/ http://Immortal-Phoenix.deviantart.com/journal/8515912/ Tue, 18 Apr 2006 22:18:34 PDT

[link]

Mood: w00t!
Listening to: Between the end and where we lie- Thrice Vheissu

you want to get it right so bad you don't want to admit it's wrong.


yay for profound statements when being "not exactly sober"




translation: If you "mess up" a relationship it's considered wrong by society, so when you are even THINKING about "messing up" a relationship the thing that keeps you holding on to it is the fear of being in the wrong.


I can think of TWO PEOPLE this might apply to right now.


again...it's the lack of being sober thing





you know you love me



[p.s. yay for smiley faces and feeling nooooo fucking pain!]


]]> ~Immortal-Phoenix http://Immortal-Phoenix.deviantart.com/journal/8497102/ http://Immortal-Phoenix.deviantart.com/journal/8497102/ Mon, 17 Apr 2006 07:28:55 PDT

[link]

Mood: w00t!
Listening to: Between the end and where we lie- Thrice Vheissu

so umm yeah....


have some quotes by Robin Williams! lmao

"Do you think God gets stoned? I think so . . . look at the platypus.”

“In England, if you commit a crime, the police don't have a gun and you don't have a gun. If you commit a crime, the police will say "Stop, or I'll say stop again."

“If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.”

“Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.”

“We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.”

“What's right is what's left if you do everything else wrong.”

“My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.”

“Ah...so many pedestrians, so little time...”

“Cricket is basically baseball on valium.”

"Mickey Mouse to a three-year-old is a six-foot-tall RAT!”




...and now....this is me taking every chance I get to NOT work on my essay right now lol






*Name 3 schools you went to:
1. Stephen F. Austin Elementary
2. Walnut Hill Elementary
3. E.H. Cary Middle School

*Name 3 things in your purse/wallet:
1. photos
2. phone numbers
3. bank card/cash

*Name 3 things you always wear:
1. phoenix tattoo
2. cartilage earring
3. SFA bracelet

*Name 3 things you do when you are really stressed:
1. smoke
2. get manic
3. sleep

*Name your 5 favorite songs right now:
1. Everything Changes by Staind
2. Take This by Staind
3. Deep End by Crossfade
4. The Unknown by Crossfade
5. The Earth Shakes by Thrice

*Name 3 favorite places to shop:
1. wal-mart
2. half-price books
3. timberland

*Name 3 places you go to on a daily basis:
1. my room
2. the car
3. outside

*Name 3 things you like to do:
1. listen to music
2. hang out with friends
3. read/write

*Name the 3 most valuable things in your life:
1. anything belonging to my brother (including my memories)
2. my friends and family
3. my life

*Name 3 favorite fruits:
1. oranges
2. strawberries
3. grapes

*Name 3 things you are addicted to:
1. MUSIC
2. cigarettes
3. people

*Name 3 goals in 2006:
1. graduate high school
2. Start SFA
3. Not fuck anything up

*Name 3 plans for next week:
(i'm putting it as this week, so shhh)...[me too]
1. Enjoy not working
2. Sleep in
3. See friends/develop patience

*Three Names You Go By:
1. Jay
2. Jacoby
3. Jizzle


]]> ~Immortal-Phoenix http://Immortal-Phoenix.deviantart.com/journal/8497053/ http://Immortal-Phoenix.deviantart.com/journal/8497053/ Mon, 17 Apr 2006 07:21:20 PDT
]]> ~Immortal-Phoenix http://Immortal-Phoenix.deviantart.com/journal/8483654/ http://Immortal-Phoenix.deviantart.com/journal/8483654/ Sat, 15 Apr 2006 22:13:17 PDT

[link]

Mood: I'M FUCKIN' PUMPED!!
Listening to: Between the end and where we lie- Thrice Vheissu

I GOT MY FUCKING TATTOO!!!


...and so did Amber and Bubba!!!


The Triangular Sanctum has spoken.

lmao


but yeah...I got my phoenix...wearing a necklace with a skeleton key on it...and trust me..there will be some kind of pictures soon (hopefully)

but yeah!!


and today was also my last day of work so YAY for no more stress as manager....man, for a few days...I thought I was gonna just have to quit...but I MADE IT!!!


yes!!


and you know what I realized last night before I went to bed? I thought of it again today when I was getting my tattoo....

I deserve as much of a chance as anybody -when it comes to anything!

Man...I may be fucked up, but apparently I offer something to this world, or I wouldn't be here right now would I? No, I don't think I would. I am somebody. I may not be everybody, but I am somebody! ...and what's this about mushy love shit?! gah haha j/k...yeah, I deserve a good person to share my good life with too...but you know, I'm fucking 18...and one day, idk when...but one day....she'll be mine. She can be anyone, and everything....but I'll have my chance!! Yes sir...

I AM SOMEBODY SPECIAL


(with a side of psychosis too...)


Lmao!!


but yeah...you should see my fucking tattoo!


]]> ~Immortal-Phoenix http://Immortal-Phoenix.deviantart.com/journal/8466308/ http://Immortal-Phoenix.deviantart.com/journal/8466308/ Fri, 14 Apr 2006 06:32:43 PDT

[link]

Mood: bipolar
Listening to: Between the end and where we lie- Thrice Vheissu

So yeah...let's see...

My last day of work is tomorrow...yay for seasonal jobs.

We were gonna go get tattoos on saturday, but bubba lost his ID...so we'll probably wait...

Sunday is Easter...might go to church, might not...might go to Lee Park for their easter sunday gig they do there....


idk what else....have some lyrics....



Between the end and where we lie
Thrice Vheissu

is this everything, i've dreamed of so much more
between the end and where we lie
here all hopes and dreams are scavenged from the floor
and fed into machines that feed on vacant eyes
all of my dreams, always find me
far beyond these fake flourescent skies
i know there must be something more, if i could only find the door
then i could free myself and see the world outside

wher daylight breaks on you and shines into the
grey that sleeps beneath your skull
daylight breaks on you and burns away the
grey that suffocates your soul

for now i hold a key, and though i may be lost
i know that i will find my way
i search endlessly but every time i've thought
that i was near the smoke and mirrors lead me astray
see th epit boss, steal each tick tock
time it seems will suffer at our hands
i look for exits in the haze, the dense electric tiwilight maze
i've heard that there is one that leads to sunlit lands

daylight, they tell me that it's just a myth
they try to to betray me with a kiss
daylight, they tell me that it can't exist
they might never know just what they missed as

daylight pours fire into my grey eyes
pour grace into my grey life
breaks in and lights the way
i can't live without the day

Behind Blue Eyes
Limp Bizkit

no one knows what it's like
to be the bad man
to be the sad man
behind blue eyes

and no one knwos what its like
to be hated
to be fated
to telling only lies

but my dreams
they aren't this empty
as my conscience seems to be

i have hours, only lonely
my love is vengenance
that's never free

no one knwos what its like
to feel these feelings
like i do
and i blame you

and no bites back as hard
on their anger
none of my pain will
can show through

but my dreams
they aren't this empty
as my concscience seems to be

I have hours, only lonely
my love vengencance
that's never free

discover...L.I.M.P again
discover...L.I.M.P again
discover...L.I.M.P say it
discover...L.I.M.P say it
discover...

no one knows what its like to be mistreated
to be defeated
behind blue eyes

and no one knows how to say
that they're sorry
and don't worry
I'm not telling lies

but my dreams, they aren't this empty
as my concscience seems to be
I have hours, only lonely
my love is vengencance
that's never free

no one knows what its like
to be the bad man
to be the sad man
behind blue eyes


Unwell
Matchbox 20


all day staring at the ceiling
making friends with shadows on my wall
all night hearing voices telling me
that i should get some sleep
because tomorrow might be good for something

hold on, feeling like Im headed for a breakdown
and i don't know why

but im not crazy
im just a little unwell
i know
that right now you can't tell
but stay a little while
and maybe then you'll see
a different side of me

im not crazy
im just a little imparied
i know right now
you dont care
but soon enough
you're gonna think of me
and how i use to be me

talking to myself in public
dodging glances on the train

and i know
i know they've all been talkin baout me
i can hear them whisper
and it makes me think
there must be something wrong with me
out of all the hours thinking somehow
i've lost my mind

but im not crazy
im just a little unw... ]]> ~Immortal-Phoenix http://Immortal-Phoenix.deviantart.com/journal/8440898/ http://Immortal-Phoenix.deviantart.com/journal/8440898/ Tue, 11 Apr 2006 17:28:13 PDT

[link]

Mood: blah
Listening to: The Deep End - Crossfade

Fade
Staind

I try to breathe
Memories overtaking me
I try to face them but
The thought is too much to conceive

I only know that I can change
Everything else just stays the same
So now I step out of the darkness
that my life became 'cause

I just needed someone to talk to
You were just to busy with yourself
You were never there for me
To express how I felt
I just stuffed it down
Now I'm older and I feel like
I could let some of this anger fade
But it seems the surface I am scratching
Is the bed that I have made

So where were you?
When all this I was going through
You never took the time
To ask me just what you could do

I only know that I can change
Everything else just stays the same
So now I step out of the darkness
that my life became 'cause

I just needed someone to talk to
You were just to busy with yourself
You were never there for me
To express how I felt
I just stuffed it down
Now I'm older and I feel like
I could let some of this anger fade
But it seems the surface I am scratching
Is the bed that I have made

I never meant to fade...
Away

I NEVER MEANT TO FADE

I just needed someone to talk to
You were just to busy with yourself
You were never there for me
To express how I felt
I just stuffed it down
Now I'm older and I feel like
I could let some of this anger fade
But it seems the surface I am scratching
Is the bed that I have made

I try to breathe...



A Flat
Staind

Trust In me can't trust
I know, I don't believe it
All my life so scarred
what for, you can't conceive it
Everything you fear
I'll be, you couldn't live it
I whisper in your ear
so loud, why can't you hear it

I'm OK

All my faith is gone
you think I couldn't find it
Pieces falling down
shattered, nothing behind it
In my mind alone,
Lost here I'm separated
Crawl deeper in my hole
safe here from what I hated

All the demons in my head won't leave me
I know I can hear them
All the sacrifices made for nothing
Don't show can't believe it
Want to show that I'm good for something
I can't you won't let me
All your artificial words won't heal me
Because you can't accept me

And I hate myself
And I hate my face
And I hate my world
And I hate my ways

And I
And I
And I

I'M NOT OK!

I'm OK

Trust In me can't trust
Iknow, I don't believe in
All my life so scarred
what for,you can't conceive it
Everything you fear
I'll be, you couldn't live it
I whisper in your ear
why can't you feel it

All the demons in my head won't leave me
I know I can hear them
All the sacrifices made for nothing
Don't show can't believe in
Want to show that I'm good for something
I can't you won't let me
All your artificial words won't heal me
Because you can't accept me

I don't believe it [2x]

For You
Staind

To my mother, to my father,
It's your son or it's your daughter,
Are my screams loud enough for you to hear me?
Should I turn this up for you?

I sit here locked inside my head
Remembering everything you said
The silence gets us nowhere!
Gets us nowhere way too fast!

The silence is what kills me
I need someone here to help me
But you don't know how to listen
And let me make my decisions

I sit here locked inside my head
Remembering everything you said
The silence gets us nowhere!
Gets us nowhere way to fast!

All your insults and your curses make
me feel like I'm not a person
And I feel like I am nothing but
you made me so do something
'Cause I'm fucked up because you are
Need attention, attention you couldn't give

I sit here locked inside my head
Remembering everything you said
The silenc... ]]> ~Immortal-Phoenix http://Immortal-Phoenix.deviantart.com/journal/8435554/ http://Immortal-Phoenix.deviantart.com/journal/8435554/ Tue, 11 Apr 2006 07:07:16 PDT

[link]

Mood: blah
Listening to: The Deep End - Crossfade

honestly...idk what I feel ha

I might be starting counseling again...whoopdee fucking do right?

It'll be worth it in the end though


Some lyrics that make sense to me right now...


Because of You...
Kelly Clarkson

I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did
You fell so hard
I've learned the hard way, to never let it get that far

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust
Not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because I know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake, a smile, a laugh
Every day of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust
Not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I watched you die
I heard you cry
Every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry
In the middle of the night
For the same damn thing

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt
Because of you
I tried my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
Because of you
I am afraid

Because of you
Because of you


]]> ~Immortal-Phoenix http://Immortal-Phoenix.deviantart.com/journal/8425791/ http://Immortal-Phoenix.deviantart.com/journal/8425791/ Mon, 10 Apr 2006 08:53:41 PDT

[link]

Mood: blah
Listening to: The Deep End - Crossfade

Bitter Side Of Sweet
(Clint Black/Hayden Nicholas)

She asked me how love gets along with me all by myself.
Wonders how I keep from getting dust upon that shelf.
She wanted to know how a man like me ends up alone, anyway.
'Was I breakin' all the rules of love and the games that people play.
I said not too many hangin' round of all the ones I meet.
In time they always find that I'm on the bitter side of sweet.

She huddled on the gate on my block where I always catch my bus.
An' I hoped it wouldn't stop today, there'd just be the two of us.
But it showed up like it always does, about twenty minutes late.
I told her it'd right along but she said she couldn't wait.
She didn't need any assistance in putting some distance, between us on that
empty street.
She was of a mind, in record time that I'm on the bitter side of sweet.

That I act this was is really no my fault.
It just means all the sweet things I got to say,
Come along with a grain of salt.

It's no wonder I'm not scoring points, I'm always out of bounds.
If any wise willed words convince the point, I'm foolish by the pound.
An' a fool can see no one believes what's rollin' off my tongue.
An' I've never seen a recipe for sweet talkin' anyone.
I could have written a book on the lessons I took in the agony of defeat.
An showed you all the signs between the lines on the bitter side of sweet.



Cowboys And Angels
Garth Brooks

On the eighth day God noticed a problem
For there below Him stood a cowboy alone
Stubborn and proud, reckless and loud
God knew he'd never make it on his own
So God looked out all over creation
And listened as that cowboy prayed
God took passion and thunder
Patience and wonder then He sent down
The best thing that God ever made

Cowboys and angels leather and lace
Salt of the earth meets heavenly grace
Cowboys and angels tested and tried
It's a long way to heaven
And one hell of a ride

Nothin's changed since the dawn of creation
For you will find them together today
And only heaven above them knows why she loves him
But he must be the reason she don't fly away

Cowboys and angels leather and lace
Salt of the earth meets heavenly grace
Cowboys and angels tested and tried
It's a long way to heaven
And one hell of a ride
It's a long way to heaven
And one hell of a ride


When There's No One Around
Garth Brooks

This is a song that nobody knows
I couldn't begin to describe how it goes
But it makes me cry or laugh right out loud
It's a song that I sing when there's no one around

This is the man that nobody sees
He wears my old clothes and he looks just like me
Just one of the boys who gets lost in the crowd
He's the man that I am when there's no one around

It's four in the morning
Im lyin' in bed
A tape of my failures
Playin' inside my head
It's heartaches and hard knocks
And things I don't know
I listen and I wonder
Where will it go

This is a glimpse of the child that's within
He's so immature but he's still my best friend
If he could learn how to fly he'd never touch down
He's the kid that I am when there's no one around

This is the dance I do every day
I let my feet go and get carried away
I let my soul lead and follow the sound
It's the dance that I do when there's no one around

It's four in the morning
Im lyin' in bed
A tape of my failures
Playin' inside my head
It's heartaches and hard knocks
And things I don't know
I listen and I wonder
Where will it go

This is a song that nobody knows
I still can't begin to describe how it goes
But it makes me cry or laugh right out loud
It's a song that I sing when there's no one around
It's a song that I sing when there's no one around


The Dance
Garth Brooks
Proms awfully close...and this just fits

Looking back on the memory of
The dance we shared 'neath the stars above
For a moment all the world was right ~Immortal-Phoenix http://Immortal-Phoenix.deviantart.com/journal/8394805/ http://Immortal-Phoenix.deviantart.com/journal/8394805/ Fri, 07 Apr 2006 21:37:11 PDT

[link]

Mood: blah
Listening to: The Deep End - Crossfade

EDIT: Thank you Amber for the notice of the fact that the remainder of my journal was highlighted...I'd like to also add - if you ask a question you might not get an answer...and if you don't ask a question, you won't get an answer...so don't assume cause it makes an ASS out of U and ME okay thanks.

I know I've put some of these songs in here a thousand times but frankly I don't care. I'm bolding some parts in here for a friend because I can.


So Far Away
Crossfade

I've been changin' but you'll never see me now
(I've been changin' but you'll never see me now)
Now I'm blaming you for everything

No more holding it in
How many years can I pretend
Nothing never goes the way it should
No more sitting in this place
Hoping you might see it my way
Cause I don't think you ever understood
That what I'm looking for are the answers
To why these questions never go away

[Chorus]
I'm so far away
I've been changin' but you'll never see me now
I'm so far away
Now I'm blaming you for everything

No more waiting for the end
Of every day that I will spend
Wishing that I only had a choice
No more pushing you away
Cause I will be busy watching things going my way
Never looking back on this anymore
Because what I'm looking for are the answers
To why these questions never go away

[Chorus]

I've been changin' but you'll never see me now
Now I'm blaming you for everything

I'm so far away

Hey hey watch me wave
Goodbye to yesterday
Nothing left in my way
Hey hey I've been saved
With sun shining on my pain
Getting me through this day
Hey hey watch me wave
Goodbye to yesterday
Nothing left in my way
Feels so good to say

[Chorus]

Now I'm blaming you

I'm so far away


Schitzophrenic Conversations
Staind

Are you afraid, afraid of the truth
In the mirror staring back at you.
The image is cracked but so is the view
And the strength of a tree begins in the roots
That I tend bury into you
At least now the storm can't blow me away.

So crawl inside my head with me.
I'll show you how it feels to be,
To blame like me.

Should I be afraid of this face that I see
In the mirror staring back at me?
So cold were the days when I listened to you.
And you say that I'm weak so show me the proof
Because I still exist in spite of you
But I won't compete with you every day.

So crawl inside my head with me.
I'll show you how it feels to be,
To blame like me.

Schizophrenic conversations that
I'm always having with myself.
I hear these voices in my head competing.
Maybe I could use a little help
I still have schizophrenic conversations
When there's no one else around to hear.
I long for solitude and peace within me
Void of all the anger and the fear.

So crawl inside my head with me.
I'll show you how it feels to be,
Fucked up like me.

I'll show you how it feels to be
To blame like me
Ashamed like me


]]> ~Immortal-Phoenix http://Immortal-Phoenix.deviantart.com/journal/8361919/ http://Immortal-Phoenix.deviantart.com/journal/8361919/ Tue, 04 Apr 2006 08:54:54 PDT

[link]

Woke Up This Mornin
Nickelback

I paid my last respects this mornin' on an early grave
Already said goodbye, nothin left to say
A tiny church a tiny town and not a tear was spent
Not how I wanted it, I'm hating all of this

Well I'm hating, all of this
I'm hating, all of this
All of this, all of this
Now I know why, I hide my love from you somedays
No I don't mind keeping this bottled inside me
You came along, and tore this wall down around me
Looks like you found me
Now I know why
I felt like shit when I woke up this morning

I've been a loser all my life, I'm not about to change
If you don't like, there's the door, nobody made you stay
There ain't a woman on the planet who can deal with it
Just how I wanted it, I'm hating all of this

Well I'm hating, all of this
I'm hating, all of this
All of this, all of this
Now I know why, I hide my love from you somedays
No I don't mind keeping this bottled inside me
You came along, and tore this wall down around me
Looks like you found me
Now I know why
I felt like shit when I woke up this morning

All of this, All of this
Now I know why, I hide my love from you somedays
No I don't mind keeping this bottled inside me
You came along, and tore this wall down around me
Looks like you found me
Now I know why
I felt like shit when I woke up this morning


]]> ~Immortal-Phoenix http://Immortal-Phoenix.deviantart.com/journal/8361912/ http://Immortal-Phoenix.deviantart.com/journal/8361912/ Tue, 04 Apr 2006 08:53:45 PDT

[link]

Woke Up This Mornin
Nickelback

I paid my last respects this mornin' on an early grave
Already said goodbye, nothin left to say
A tiny church a tiny town and not a tear was spent
Not how I wanted it, I'm hating all of this

Well I'm hating, all of this
I'm hating, all of this
All of this, all of this
Now I know why, I hide my love from you somedays
No I don't mind keeping this bottled inside me
You came along, and tore this wall down around me
Looks like you found me
Now I know why
I felt like shit when I woke up this morning

I've been a loser all my life, I'm not about to change
If you don't like, there's the door, nobody made you stay
There ain't a woman on the planet who can deal with it
Just how I wanted it, I'm hating all of this

Well I'm hating, all of this
I'm hating, all of this
All of this, all of this
Now I know why, I hide my love from you somedays
No I don't mind keeping this bottled inside me
You came along, and tore this wall down around me
Looks like you found me
Now I know why
I felt like shit when I woke up this morning

All of this, All of this
Now I know why, I hide my love from you somedays
No I don't mind keeping this bottled inside me
You came along, and tore this wall down around me
Looks like you found me
Now I know why
I felt like shit when I woke up this morning


]]> ~Immortal-Phoenix http://Immortal-Phoenix.deviantart.com/journal/8350596/ http://Immortal-Phoenix.deviantart.com/journal/8350596/ Mon, 03 Apr 2006 06:19:13 PDT

[link]

Deep End
Crossfade

I built my life like my bike on a rigid frame
So nothing bends it only breaks into pieces and pieces
I waited for hope to arrive but it never came
Leaving me with only pain inside
I'm going off the deep end

Holding on is harder than it seems
When you're reaching for so much more
Seems so much easier to just give in
When you're reaching for so much more

Another wasted Saturday so here I stay
Where nothing seems to ever change anyway hey
All this hype about life bein' great
Where's the love for me these days
I'm goin off the deep end


]]> ~Immortal-Phoenix http://Immortal-Phoenix.deviantart.com/journal/8323645/ http://Immortal-Phoenix.deviantart.com/journal/8323645/ Fri, 31 Mar 2006 13:09:12 PST

[link]

On behalf of a friend, I write . . .

"Just because you can't see it doesn't mean it isn't there, and just because it isn't mentioned, doesn't mean it isn't real."



<3


]]> ~Immortal-Phoenix http://Immortal-Phoenix.deviantart.com/journal/8293011/ http://Immortal-Phoenix.deviantart.com/journal/8293011/ Tue, 28 Mar 2006 09:24:09 PST
]]> ~Immortal-Phoenix http://Immortal-Phoenix.deviantart.com/journal/8237388/ http://Immortal-Phoenix.deviantart.com/journal/8237388/ Wed, 22 Mar 2006 14:10:53 PST

[link]

Mood: Hellz YEAH
Listening to: Celebration Time - unknown

okay so you're like not gonna believe this ...

I'm a lumberjack.





That's right, I got accepted into Stephen F. Austin University in Nagodoches, Tx


]]> ~Immortal-Phoenix http://Immortal-Phoenix.deviantart.com/journal/8224489/ http://Immortal-Phoenix.deviantart.com/journal/8224489/ Tue, 21 Mar 2006 07:07:41 PST

[link]

Mood: hmm
Listening to: Like we never loved at all - Faith Hill

Wonderful
everclear

I close my eyes when I get too sad
I think thoughts that I know are bad
Close my eyes and I count to ten
Hope it's over when I open them
I want the things that I had before
Like a Star Wars poster on my bedroom door
I wish I could count to ten
Make everything be wonderful again

Hope my mom and I hope my dad
Will figure out why they get so mad
Hear them scream, I hear them fight
They say bad words that make me wanna cry

Close my eyes when I go to bed
And I dream of angels who make me smile
I feel better when I hear them say
Everything will be wonderful someday

Promises mean everything when you're little
And the world's so big
I just don't understand how
You can smile with all those tears in your eyes
Tell me everything is wonderful now

Na na na na na na na

Please don't tell me everything is wonderful now

I go to school and I run and play
I tell the kids that it's all okay
I like to laugh so my friends won't know
When the bell rings I just don't wanna go home

Go to my room and I close my eyes
I make believe that I have a new life
I don't believe you when you say
Everything will be wonderful someday

Promises mean everything when you're little
And the world is so big
I just don't understand how
You can smile with all those tears in your eyes
When you tell me everything is wonderful now

I don't wanna hear you tell me everything is wonderful now

I don't wanna hear you say
That I will understand someday
No, no, no, no
I don't wanna hear you say
You both have grown in a different way
No, no, no, no
I don't wanna meet your friends
And I don't wanna start over again
I just wanna my life to be the same
Just like it used to be
Somedays I hate everything
I hate everything
Everyone and everything
Please don't tell me everything is wonderful now

I don't wanna hear you tell me everything is wonderful now


]]> ~Immortal-Phoenix http://Immortal-Phoenix.deviantart.com/journal/8224255/ http://Immortal-Phoenix.deviantart.com/journal/8224255/ Tue, 21 Mar 2006 06:22:58 PST

[link]

Mood: hmm
Listening to: Like we never loved at all - Faith Hill

yAy!!!

YaY!!!

YAY!!!





...yay.


;D


]]> ~Immortal-Phoenix http://Immortal-Phoenix.deviantart.com/journal/8087039/ http://Immortal-Phoenix.deviantart.com/journal/8087039/ Mon, 06 Mar 2006 18:31:05 PST

[link]

Mood: hmm
Listening to: Like we never loved at all - Faith Hill

So some things have been brought to my attention, that I'm not sure what to think. Some of it is not important that I think and that I just listen, but others have me a little worried. I guess I just thought I'd post some lyrics


I really wish a friend of mine could see some of these lyrics . . . [sigh]
You know who are, though you never read these . . . it'll be okay....please don't do anything stupid . . . <3

Inner Glow
Blue October

I'm like a storm cloud eager when you go out
Calm again
I'll ask permission for the wrong to win
Drop the bomb and get your story out and get it on
In a haze the beginning of your days
Gonna fall down
Got to get back up but at your own pace
Got to fill your cup and find the way
Out of your own maze
Yeah boy what you said now

And hide the rule book throw it in the waste
Look strong
Like you belong cause you do belong
Whether right or wrong you belong

I'm on your side if you fail atleat you tried
To keep your aching celebrating wonder making heart alive
Yeah and pride don't keep it all inside
Don't keep your aching celebrating wonder making heart alone
Write you own song

Whatever happened to our inner glow
Whatever happened to the song the soul the me i used to know
Whatever happened to my radio
Whatever happened to my song
It is my song

So here's a preview shove it under old-new
Or call it rock or pop or bach or fuck
Goddamn where did we go wrong
Now there's a catergory for every song

Yeah we only want to sing when we want to
Yeah we only want a dream we can flaunt to
Yeah we only want to fly by the side making love to the rhythm be a jeckyl and a hyde
Yeah we only want a field we can run through
Yeah we only want a beat we can drum to
Yeah we only want to fly by the side making love to the rhythm be a jeckyl and a hyde

So stride if you fail atleast you tried
To keep your aching celebrating wonder making heart alive
And pride don't keep it all inside
Don't keep your aching celebrating wonder making heart alone
Write your own song

Whatever happened to our inner glow
Whatever happened to the song the soul the me i used to know
Whatever happened to my radio
Whatever happened to the song

Gonna wake up strong ya we're all gonna wake up strong...




Razorblade
Blue October

In the day by day collision
Called the art of growing up
There's an innocence we look for in the stars
To be taken back to younger days
When there was no giving up
On the people we held closest to our hearts

Yeah it is you that I remember in that glowing
It is you that took my first away from me
It is you I set my standards to... to every walk of life
I haven't met another you since you were with me.

[Chorus]
A brief bout with a razorblade cut me
I freaked out, thinking people didn't love me
I watched closely as the you I knew forgot me
In letting go, I am so proud of what I've done

In a way, I failed religion
I spit the wine from mouth to cup
And I reached for something more than just your God
Uncle, you spared not your children
And while your praying hands are up
There's no forgiveness for you! You sick fuck!

It is you that I remember in their bedroom
It is you that took their first away from them
It is you they set their standards to
You wounded them for life
You were a preacher and suppose to be above men

Sing with me

[Chorus]
A brief bout with a razorblade cut me
I freaked out, thinking people didn't love me
I watched closely as the you I knew forgot me
In letting go, I am so proud of what I've done



Duck And Run
3 Doors Down

To this world I’m unimportant
Just because I have nothing to give
So you call this your free country
Tell me why it cost so much to live
Tell me why
This world can turn me down
But I won’t turn away, oh no
I won’t turn around
All my work an... ]]> ~Immortal-Phoenix http://Immortal-Phoenix.deviantart.com/journal/8068892/ http://Immortal-Phoenix.deviantart.com/journal/8068892/ Sat, 04 Mar 2006 20:34:44 PST

[link]

Mood: blah
Listening to: Staind

boredome reeks.

I think I'm fixing to go to bed

yay for being grounded [blah]


I'm ungrounded at midnight tomorrow night

which means yes bubba I can take you to school on monday

yay for normalcy lmao


I got my haircut

finally

now you can shut up scherrie


lmao J/K <3


anywhoo

it's time for night night cig and a bed


I'll ttyl guys

<3


]]> ~Immortal-Phoenix http://Immortal-Phoenix.deviantart.com/journal/8054449/ http://Immortal-Phoenix.deviantart.com/journal/8054449/ Fri, 03 Mar 2006 08:53:57 PST

[link]

Mood: blah
Listening to: Staind

Are you afraid
Afraid of the truth
In the mirror staring back at you
The image is cracked
But so is the view here
If the strength of a tree
Begins in the roots
Then I tend to bury into you
At least now the storm
Can't blow me away

So crawl inside
My head with me
I'll show you how
It feels to be
To blame like me

Should I be afraid
Of this face that I see
In the mirror staring back at me
So cold were the days
When I listened to you
And you say that I'm weak
So show me the proof
Because I still exist inspite of you
But I won't compete
With you every day

So crawl inside
My head with me
I'll show you how
It feels to be
To blame like me

Schizophrenic conversations that I'm always having with myself
I hear these
Voices in my head competing, maybe I could use a little help
I still have
Schizophrenic conversations when there's no one else around to hear
I long for
Solitude and peace within me, void of all the anger and the fear

So crawl inside
My head with me
And I'll show you how it feels to be
Fucked up like me
I'll show you how it feels to be
To blame like me
Ashamed like me





]]> ~Immortal-Phoenix http://Immortal-Phoenix.deviantart.com/journal/8043938/ http://Immortal-Phoenix.deviantart.com/journal/8043938/ Thu, 02 Mar 2006 06:02:21 PST

[link]

Mood: blah
Listening to: So Far Away -Crossfade

I'm here

at school


but I'm not awake haha


yAy for english class first thing in the morning


blah


<3



When all the world fades . . .

who will be by your side?


]]> ~Immortal-Phoenix http://Immortal-Phoenix.deviantart.com/journal/8034710/ http://Immortal-Phoenix.deviantart.com/journal/8034710/ Wed, 01 Mar 2006 06:09:08 PST

[link]

Mood: blah
Listening to: take this - Staind

so yeah . . .

I still have my internship

but I'm kinda nervous to go.

Apparently I should talk to the principal

which makes sense

but doesn't mean I want to.

I thought about writing her a letter

but I don't really know what to say.

I still can't believe I fucked up so much.

Oh well what's done is done.

I shall deal with the consequences and move on.

and though I feel really depressed

I'm just gonna pretend like it's cause I have not taken my meds

and say that I will make it through this

and everything will be okay.

And I'm just gonna hope for the best.


]]> ~Immortal-Phoenix http://Immortal-Phoenix.deviantart.com/journal/8028527/ http://Immortal-Phoenix.deviantart.com/journal/8028527/ Tue, 28 Feb 2006 14:19:54 PST

[link]

Listening to: Could It Be - Staind

umm so yeah, I'm outta ISS now.

My mom bought me alcohol last night after playing with my emotions/mental status etc

and as of today she offically knows that I smoke

fun times


so yeah


tomorrow I should find out whether or not I still have my internship and rather or not I'm still in DCP


that's it I Guess


]]> ~Immortal-Phoenix http://Immortal-Phoenix.deviantart.com/journal/8015804/ http://Immortal-Phoenix.deviantart.com/journal/8015804/ Mon, 27 Feb 2006 07:57:10 PST

[link]

Listening to: Could It Be - Staind

so yeah, I'm the SMARTEST person EVER. I'm sitting in ISS with Nick, Bubba, and some other random kids (2 of em). I don't know what I'm doing, I'm just writing a journal to give me something to do.

Mrs. Schott was all "nobody here is mad at you" and all this stuff cause I got upset and I was like "I'm not worried about y'all, I haven't gone home yet"

so yeah, that's gonna be oober fun.

ready set, have no vehicle

or friends

or like, anything.


trust = out the window

respect = [shrug] god knows where


I could use a cigarette and some friends right about now.


:sigh:


]]> ~Immortal-Phoenix http://Immortal-Phoenix.deviantart.com/journal/7968997/ http://Immortal-Phoenix.deviantart.com/journal/7968997/ Wed, 22 Feb 2006 06:34:13 PST

[link]

Listening to: Could It Be - Staind

If you read nothing else, read the lyrics to the first song
The first song is Could it Be, the second one is So Far Away -the one that bubba and I jammed to this morning, and the third one is Yesterday. They're all by Staind.


Staind - Could It Be Lyrics

Well I don't know what to say
Because there's truth to what you say
I know it kills you I'm this way
There's something different every day

Could It Be that
I never had the chance to grow inside?
Could It Be that
My habit is to find a place to hide
Could It Be that
Sometimes I say things just to disagree?
Could It Be that
I'm only being me?

Not easy living in my mind
A little peace is hard to find
My every thought is undermined
By all the history inside

Could It Be that
I never had the chance to grow inside?
Could It Be that
My habit is to find a place to hide
Could It Be that
Sometimes I say things just to disagree?
Could It Be that
I'm only being me?

I know I hear the words you said
Over and over again
I just can't get them through my head
There's just too many voices
Must be like living with the dead
Waiting for me to begin
To do the things I have said
And for this I'm sorry
So there's some truth to what you say

Could It Be that
I never had the chance to grow inside?
Could It Be that
My habit is to find a place to hide
Could It Be that
Sometimes I say things just to disagree?
Could It Be that
I'm only being me?



Staind - So Far Away Lyrics

This is my life
Its not what it was before
All these feelings I've shared
And these are my dreams
That I've never lived before

Somebody shake me
Cause I
I must be sleeping

Now that we're here
So far away
All the struggle
We thought was in vain
All the mistakes
One life contained
They all finally start to go away
Now that we're here, so far away
And I feel like I can face the day
I can forgive
I'm not ashamed
To be the person that I am today

These are my words
That I've never said before
I think I'm doing okay
And this is the smile
That I've never shown before

Somebody shake me
Cause I
I must be sleeping

Now that we're here
So far away
All the struggle
We thought was in vain
All the mistakes
One life contained
They all finally start to go away
Now that we're here, so far away
And I feel like I can face the day
I can forgive
I'm not ashamed
To be the person that I am today

I'm so afraid of waking
Please don't shake me
Afraid of waking
Please don't shake me

Now that we're here
So far away
All the struggle
We thought was in vain
All the mistakes
One life contained
They all finally start to go away
Now that we're here, so far away
And I feel like I can face the day
I can forgive
I'm not ashamed
To be the person that I am today



Yesterday
Staind

Verse 1
you don't know what you've put me through
it's okay, i've forgiven you
but in some way, hope it fucks with you
hope it fucks with you that i'm okay and i've made it through
but whos to say what your going threw
i'll say no names, though i've wanted to
isn't it strange how it seems like...

[chorus]
yesterday, a boy and already afraid
locked deep inside, my place to hide
to hide from how you made me feel
and i wonder how's your brother
did he end up fucked up like me?
lost in himself, crying for help it's safe to say

Verse 2
i learned to live without a pride
just a shell, with me stuck on the inside
a prison, not a place to hide
not a place to hide

[pre-chorus]

[chorus]
[chorus (altered)]

yesterday, a boy and already afraid
locked deep inside, my place to hide
to hide from how you made me feel
and i wonder how's your brother
did he finally pull through like me?
finding himself, not needing help
i'd like to say


~Immortal-Phoenix http://Immortal-Phoenix.deviantart.com/journal/7956209/ http://Immortal-Phoenix.deviantart.com/journal/7956209/ Mon, 20 Feb 2006 19:00:49 PST

[link]

Mood: sleepy mostly
Listening to: Save Myself - 3 days grace

So it's been 13.5 hours since I've thought about how I want to post a journal with lyrics in it. It has taken me 13.5 hours to do it.

In another 13.5 I may barely be waking up if I'm even waking up in 13.5 hours


"Easier To Run"
Linkin Park

It's easier to run
Replacing this pain with something numb
It's so much easier to go
Than face all this pain here all alone

Something has been taken from deep inside of me
The secret I've kept locked away no one can ever see
Wounds so deep they never show they never go away
Like moving pictures in my head for years and years they've played

(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)
(Retrace every wrong move that I made I would)
(If I could stand up and take the blame I would)
(If I could take all the shame to the grave I would)
(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)
(Retrace every wrong move that I made I would)
(If I could stand up and take the blame I would)
(I would take all my shame to the grave)

[Chorus]
It's easier to run
Replacing this pain with something numb
It's so much easier to go
Than face all this pain here all alone

Sometimes I remember the darkness of my past
Bringing back these memories I wish I didn't have
Sometimes I think of letting go and never looking back
And never moving forward so there'd never be a past

(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)
(Retrace every wrong move that I made I would)
(If I could stand up and take the blame I would)
(If I could take all the shame to the grave I would)
(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)
(Retrace every wrong move that I made I would)
(If I could stand up and take the blame I would)
(I would take all my shame to the grave)

Just washing it aside
All of the helplessness inside
Pretending I don't feel misplaced
It's so much simpler than change

[Chorus]
It's easier to run
Replacing this pain with something numb
It's so much easier to go
Than face all this pain here all alone

It's easier to run
(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)
(Retrace every wrong move that I made)
It's easier to go
(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)
(Retrace every wrong move that I made I would)
(If I could stand up and take the blame I would)
(I would take all my shame to the grave)

---------------------------------------------

"Runaway"
Linkin Park

Graffiti decorations
Under a sky of dust
A constant wave of tension
On top of broken trust
The lessons that you taught me
I learn were never true
Now I find myself in question
(They point the finger at me again)
Guilty by association
(You point the finger at me again)

I wanna run away
Never say goodbye
I wanna know the truth
Instead of wondering why
I wanna know the answers
No more lies
I wanna shut the door
And open up my mind

Paper bags and angry voices
Under a sky of dust
Another wave of tension
Has more than filled me up
All my talk of taking action
These words were never true
Now I find myself in question
(They point the finger at me again)
Guilty by association
(You point the finger at me again)

I wanna run away
Never say goodbye
I wanna know the truth
Instead of wondering why
I wanna know the answers
No more lies
I wanna shut the door
And open up my mind

i'm gonna run away and never say goodbye
(gonna run away gonna run away gonna run away gonna run away)
i'm gonna run away and never wonder why
(gonna run away gonna run away gonna run away gonna run away)
i'm gonna run away and open up my mind
(gonna run away gonna run away gonna run away gonna run away gonna run away gonna run away gonna run away gonna run away)

I wanna run away
Never say goodbye
I wanna know the truth
Instead of wondering why
I wanna know the answers
No more lies
I wanna shut the door
And... ]]> ~Immortal-Phoenix http://Immortal-Phoenix.deviantart.com/journal/7913211/ http://Immortal-Phoenix.deviantart.com/journal/7913211/ Thu, 16 Feb 2006 05:53:07 PST

[link]

Mood: sleepy mostly
Listening to: Wake up - 3 days grace
Reading: The Fragmented Mind

. . .so you know what that means!


lol


sorry


long story.


so I'm drugged up on absolutely nothing right now, but I am loaded with frappachino and muffins! lmao


I need sleep.

and this is pointless. I'm good at that

"Love Song"
Anberlin

Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am home again
whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am whole again

Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am young again
Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am fun again

However far away, I will always love you
However long I stay, I will always love you
Whatever words I say, I will always love you
I will always love you

whenever I'm alone with you
you make me feel like I am free again
whenever I'm alone with you
you make me feel like I am clean again


]]> ~Immortal-Phoenix http://Immortal-Phoenix.deviantart.com/journal/7891374/ http://Immortal-Phoenix.deviantart.com/journal/7891374/ Tue, 14 Feb 2006 05:51:23 PST

[link]

Mood: blah mostly

So for our journal today in ms sanchez's we had to write ONE line to a beginning novel. One for romance, one for horror, and one for western. It reminded me of a story I began writing last month, and I read it and realized "damn. that's so appropriate for vday" so I'm gonna go ahead and post it up here, and then I"m gonna go get my coffee from the wonderful kandace-zorz!



Down by the old oak tree, she sat and waited for him. He was a handsome man of six foot, every girls dream come true. Today was a special day for them. They had been in love for so long. She wanted today to be special through and through. He came sooner than she had expected. He strolled in, walking his german shepard mattie. How someone could never fall in love at first sight with him, was unbeknownst to her. She gently got to her knees, setting down her novel on the blanket that laid out beneath the falling autumn leaves. She slowly stood, adjusting her knee length dress and crossing the field barefooted, the green blades of grass a cool blanket beneath her. He stopped, gazing dreamily towards her. She was so beautiful he thought to himself. There was no way he could let her go. He walked towards her, letting go of Matties leash as he did so and embraced her in a warm hug only a mighty knight could muster. His green-gray eyes sparkled in the dusks early light. Her ice blue eyes were shining like the stars settling in for a night of watching above.


so yeah, it's obviously not done.


lyrics later, no time now


]]> ~Immortal-Phoenix http://Immortal-Phoenix.deviantart.com/journal/7880744/ http://Immortal-Phoenix.deviantart.com/journal/7880744/ Mon, 13 Feb 2006 07:03:03 PST

[link]

Mood: blah mostly

Just heard this so I had to put it on here because it fits so well

When I'm Gone
3 Doors Down

there's another world inside of me
that you may never see
there's secrets in this life that I can't hide
somewhere in this darkness there's a light that I can't find
well maybe it's too far away
or maybe I'm just blind

or maybe I'm just blind

so hold me when I'm here
right me when I'm wrong
hold me when I'm scared
and love me when I'm gone
everything I am and everything in me
wants to be the one you wanted me to be
I'll never let you down
even if I could
I'd give up everything
if only for your good
so hold me when I'm here
right me when I'm wrong
you can hold me when I'm scared
you won't always be there
so love me when I'm gone

so love me when I'm gone
love me when I'm gone

even your education xray cannot see under my skin
I won't tell you a damn thing that I could not tell my friends
roaming through this darkness I'm alive but I'm alone
and part of me is fighthing this but part of me is gone


so hold me when I'm here
right me when I'm wrong
hold me when I'm scared
and love me when I'm gone
everything I am and everything in me
wants to be the one you wanted me to be
I'll never let you down
even if I could
I'd give up everything
if only for your good
so hold me when I'm here
right me when I'm wrong
you can hold me when I'm scared
I won't always be there
so love me when I'm gone

maybe Im just blind

so hold me when I'm here
right me when I'm wrong
hold me when I'm scared
and love me when I'm gone
everything I am and everything in me
wants to be the one you wanted me to be
I'll never let you down
even if I could
I'd give up everything
if only for your good
so hold me when I'm here
right me when I'm wrong
you can hold me when I'm scared
you won't always be there
so love me when I'm gone

love me when I'm gone

love me when I'm gone

when I'm gone

when I'm gone

when I'm gone


]]> ~Immortal-Phoenix http://Immortal-Phoenix.deviantart.com/journal/7880620/ http://Immortal-Phoenix.deviantart.com/journal/7880620/ Mon, 13 Feb 2006 06:42:06 PST

[link]

Mood: blah mostly

okay so I'm going through some shit, shit that I can't explain to just anyone. All of it's hard enough to explain. I've been internally depressed for some time now, one of those depressions that creep through the cracks of your day when you stop keeping yourself busy, or when you're trying to fall asleep at night. I'm gonna write a little bit here because if you know me, you know that writing is how I deal with things. If you don't know me, well, now you know that. It's mostly going to be rambling so yeah, you don't have to read it. There's also bound to be songs at the end as well.

I've already written two poems, and there's bound to be more to be written so I'll probably post a few/all of them up here.

I am hurt right now because I'm lost and confused about certain things. I feel like on one hand I've got so many people supporting me and being there for me, for whatever I made need, but on the other hand I feel so alone. I'm not gonna lie to anyone, I've been suicidal in my head for some time now, but I just try to take it one day at a time. I don't say any of this for attention, I'm writing it to get it out of my system, to maybe figure out why I feel this way, and so that if you ask, you already know, because writing is easier and talking takes too long.

There's so much going on in my head, so much to try and figure out. Sometimes I just want to look people in the eye and tell them "fuck you asshole", sometimes I just want to deck them, and some times I just want a hug. Funny part this could be the same person or three different people. It doesn't matter.

Right now I'm confused on some of my friendships. What do these people mean to me? Why do I care about them so much? I'm sure you're not supposed to question friendships, but sometimes things happen and you feel like you need answers.

So all of this was pretty much pointless now that I think about it, so I'm going to shut up and leave you with a few songs, and maybe go write on word or something.

<3 Jay

Songs ----I'm bolding the parts that I like the most from each song . . .so deal



Drown

Good morning day
Sorry I'm not there
But all my favorite friends
Vanished... in the air
It's hard to fly when you can't even run
Once I had the world, but now I've got no one

If I needed someone to control me
If I needed someone to hold me down
I would change my direction
And save myself before I...
If I needed someone to control me
If I needed someone to push me around
I would change my direction
And save myself before I... drown

Good morning day
Sorry you're not here
All those times before
Were never this unclear
It's hard to walk when you can't even crawl
Once I had this world, but now I've lost it all

Drown...
Rolling faster than I'm breathing



Fear

Reject
Are you no one
Feel you nothing
You know I'll bet you think
You have a good reason to be living
In the limelight of the fortunate ones
you're too weakened by the poison
That they feed you in the living lie
They don't believe you
Call to no one
Trust in nothing
Little impotent one

I don't want to be innocent, you know
I don't want to let them hypnotize me

Punk ass, are you listening
Can you hear me or are you deaf and dumb to my language
Do the real words seem to hurt you
Well put em' up motherfucker
You'll feel it
When I stamp it on your forehead
So you will never forget
That you're a reject
And you're no one
And you're nothing
Little impotent one

Fear awaken
Go with it now
And let it overcome you
Fear awaken
Your mind is racing

I don't understand why you don't like me
Why don't you like me?
Am I so diffrent from you
Now does it scare you that I'm able to discern
What to love and what to burn
I'll add your fuel to the fire now
Stand back, brother take your hand back
Leave it and I might crack
More than a smile or two you see
Don't judge what you don't understand
You c... ]]> ~Immortal-Phoenix http://Immortal-Phoenix.deviantart.com/journal/7844431/ http://Immortal-Phoenix.deviantart.com/journal/7844431/ Thu, 09 Feb 2006 07:42:55 PST

[link]

Mood: insane!
Listening to: Wake up - 3 days grace

so I'm



not sure why I'm writing this.


boredom mostly.

hmmm


chili cook-off tonight!

and PT

and chaos!!





haha


okay, I'm done!


]]> ~Immortal-Phoenix http://Immortal-Phoenix.deviantart.com/journal/7816122/ http://Immortal-Phoenix.deviantart.com/journal/7816122/ Mon, 06 Feb 2006 06:28:36 PST

[link]

Mood: insane!

so this weekend was fun and adventerous. haha I guess that's what you could say anyway.

Friday was my sisters birthday so we went to the magic time machine which was cool - we sat in Gilligans Hut and had Zorro as our waiter (hey homes) haha (you had to be there)

Saturday - my mom and Jeri went on a "shopping spree" and I got a bunk bed (futon/twin) and a new desk and my sister got a new desk and paint for her room and Jeri and my mom got a computer armoire. So Amber and Bubba and I put together the bunk bed and then we started on the desk and Bubba was the one who finished that. haha.

Sunday - Watched some home videos at 8 in the morning and then took Amber where she needed to be and then came home and watched the end of "Sister Act" with my mom. Went to Mama Daughters Diner and had chicken livers (yum!!!) Picked my sister up from her sisters house and drove around the old neighborhood a bit. Took Ashli to work and then walked the mall for a bit. Went home and then hung out with Nick. Nick came back to my house for dinner then we took Bubba home. Not long after Nick went home and then I worked on getting my ass to bed.


and I'm still tired. lol

Now I'm sitting in English not having fun lmao


and now I'm going to go because the entire journal was pretty much pointless haha




<3


]]> ~Immortal-Phoenix http://Immortal-Phoenix.deviantart.com/journal/7767941/ http://Immortal-Phoenix.deviantart.com/journal/7767941/ Wed, 01 Feb 2006 05:24:30 PST

[link]

Mood: insane!

SOOO

I almost got t-boned by a cop!! It was exciting. He looked at me like I was a dumbass teenage driver . . .and I might have been

but that's not the point.


and ummmm I can't think of anything else to say


except that I need serious mental help


but what else is new??


alriiiiiiight.


]]> ~Immortal-Phoenix