But all around, others had already begun to spread themselves to catch that light of life that so dazzled and fascinated Jeannie. They closed in around her. Light was gradually replaced by darkness until, forgotten and alone, she twisted herself – searching for some place the shadows the others cast couldn’t touch. Something that belonged to her. Something they could never take away. When it is young and flexible, its bark still green, a seedling can be trained to grow in almost any direction. With time, this opportunity for change is gone. The wood is hard. By then its path of growth has been set out.

Just like hers.

That’s how she felt sometimes. Alone, dwarfed by the world and its problems that seemed to press in from all sides, she tries to explain to herself why things ended up this way. IT is tempting to blame everyone else for her misery. Maybe they just made her grow up this way. But if that’s true, will it ever get any better?

No – Jeannie wants to believe she has control over her life. This leads to another distressing thought. If she made the decisions, does this mean she brought the pain onto herself?

To Be Continued...

on another note, i realized that "respecting the differences" is not as virtuous as it sounds. here's the trick. if respecting another person's ideologies, behaviors, actions, words, etc., means to let him do and be as he pleases, does that not create a world of nonchalance? does that not promote freedom in an egotistical fashion? i raise these questions because the fastest and easiest route to accept and respect the differences is to lose interest in that person.

ive lost the train of thought already.

i wonder if the word "selflessness" should even exist. because without self, what would i be? what would you be? isnt everything you do in life essentially for yourself, directly or indirectly?

jumping on to the next thought in my head. colours. they are so powerful. something about the pastel colors, baby blue, especially, creates peace and tranquility in my mind. at least for a moment.

mumble jumble. forgive me for my incoherent writing.

for those i love, both living and inanimate, you are the very reason i am who i am.

You know happiness in really a state of mind that is dependant entirely on how you let things affect you. How you are affected seems to determine what happens next and over time the sort of person you turn out to be.

Maybe becoming all bogged down affects our ability to deal with things. So we don't deal because it is easier to say nothing then say something wacky and have to explain yourself. We just let it sit and slowly is consumes us and bogs us down to the point where reality becomes just a distorted vision too hard to comprehend and too far to reach. Maybe we just don't want to know. What you don't know doesn't hurt you remember. Something bad happens and you look back on the happy memories from the past and it seems so much worst because you just crave to relive those memories. It's so hard to deal with the fact that you just can't go back there and why everything can't be good once again. So deep down anger confusion and frustration are born.

Some people pretend to be so tough but really we are all so fragile and delicate. The truth because so covered up by the face we put on everyday and the artificial strength we hold. But then something happens even though "it will never happen to me" but it does and suddenly you can understand death, pain depression and the other powerful emotions that those people had so bitterly associated with the "depressed ones". A feeling of vulnerability covers you, it covers all of us and we realise it doesn't really matter how cool you are, if you have the latest CDs, whether your clothes say "Lee" or "Target" everyone is human and when your cut you will bleed.

So what happens next? the pain you endure makes you a better person? You are more aware and cautious. You step lightly on the broken glass, avoid similar situations and turn away from those who you can see will just hurt you, again.

You work hard to return to a stable state of mind.

but stuff like that never happens to me...

I hope that deep down inside I am a good person, that I have the powers and qualities to be loved, go far in my life, help people and be happy and each time that I do fall when something goes wrong, it is never hard enough to totally break me....

I wish I could stop the ignorance, stop the hate, stop the prejiduce, stop the racism, stop the stereotypes.

I wish I could make my mother see how happy I've become with myself; show her how much she's missing out on knowing about me.. I wish she could see how apathetic I am towards her life and feelings, show her it was all her doing.

I wish people would understand that not everything is about money or clothes.. its about living and living happily, whatever way that is possible.

I wish that I wasn't so broke, and that I could find a better paying job that I enjoy doing.

I wish that someday all my friends and loved ones would be the happiest they could be, so I wouldn't worry.. and I could be happy with them.

I wish the fucking society would wise up a little and dislodge that carrot from up their asses.

I wish I was better at everything i like to do.

I wish I could fly.

I wish I had my own house.

I wish I lived somewhere far far away from this place, but with all the people i liked close to me.

I wish that I could easily be happy with out feeling guilty.

i'll make it up as i go along. let's see..

okay so once there was this.. spider. it was small and fat and had evil beady eyes. it's name was jf;alsieuf;lsaeiuf because spiders don't speak english but must be labelled still. the thing about this spider was that it broke down into a powder like substance behind the walls. it had no purpose beyond the views of the human eye, since it was put on this earth only to bring about certain reactions from these odd little experiments. so one day, it formed shape and skittleskattled out to scare the silly human. the human gasped at it's evilness, picked up a shoe, and smooshed it good. then it died. it was sad that it died cause that meant it failed. oh and it knew it died cause it was a spider and they know these things.

(that wasn't a true story, if it happened, i'd probably just cry as i usually do. or last time i sprayed a spider with hairspray in attempts to intoxicate it with fumes, but it didn't work out so well)

I may seem: Reasonably down-to-earth... the girl next door type...

But I'm really: A Psychotic Ninja preying on the stupid.

People who know me think I'm: A damned freak... but a cute one.

If you knew me you'd probably: Love me or want to kill me.

Sometimes I feel: Giddy

In the morning I: Procrastinate heavily whilst attacking the snooze button

I like to sleep: a lot!

If I could be doing anything right now I would be: somewhere tropical

Money is: a myth. I don't think it exists, since i never seem to have any of it.

One thing I wish I had is: MORE MONEY

One thing I have that I wish I didn't is: DEBT.

All I need is: Love

If I had one wish it would be: To be happy forever

Love is: Elusive, yet fantastic.

If an angel flew into my window at night I would: Freak out

If a demon crashed into my window I would: Laugh at the motherfucker.

Something I want but I don't really need is: food

Something I need but I don't really want is: To pay my bills

I live for: Fun

I am afraid of: spiders

It makes me angry when: People suck

I dream about: kitties