http://search.deviantart.com/?q=by:Jennova-Absolute&section=today deviantART RSS for by:Jennova-Absolute en-us Copyright 2009, deviantART.com Wed, 23 Dec 2009 05:41:34 PST deviantART.com http://blogs.law.harvard.edu/tech/rss http://s.deviantart.com/minish/widgets/apple-touch-icon-precomposed.png http://Jennova-Absolute.deviantart.com/journal/29058113/ http://Jennova-Absolute.deviantart.com/journal/29058113/ Sun, 20 Dec 2009 10:00:45 PST
Man I pulled a hard work weekend, ending tonight at 9, but the good news, is I ONLY SIGNED MYSELF UP FOR ONE SUICIDE weekend!! As opposed to last X-mas where iwas 16 hour days, everyday! And had nothing to show for it/

Realized I'm going to be about 3K Under budget for travel next year, mostly because I didn't have a job for almost 4 months. But

Everything is going to be Okay <3 This has been a great lesson in budgeting, and balancing stress levels, and managing to not have anxiety attacks.


I brought myself down from an anxiety attack last night in the fastest, most successful way yet. I'm really proud of myself. I think it was more a result of me being sleep deprived, and my boss was being her normal over antagonistic self which kinda triggered me. I takled with my friend Penny for awhile, then I went to the back and did some stress breathing and mantra-ing and I managed to bring myself back to normal happy Ko <3 I proceeded to rock the house and had one of the smoothest running functions EVER.


I feel like I am learning and moving forward


Been eating super healthy,thanks to my rediscovery of Vegan food...before everyone goes OMG GAH, I'm not being vegan...I'm simply eating vegan things as well as normal stuff...and since its so rich in spices and flavors, I don't feel like all i ate was vegetables...had a fiesta salad with spinach, corn and beans and mexican spicy dressing..and instead of feeling boated and nasty and sleepy like i do after lunch..i felt...energized, happy, buzzed. I ate food similar to that the next few days, and MAN does it make a difference! I'm chugging back way more water and eating more healthy things now...I did have some nachos last night, but they didn 't taste very good..>_<'' I like to think that my body wanted more vegetables, but you never know

Going for breakfast with the parents tonight

Going to Donate blood with Dana and Jo on Tuesday Huzzah!

I feel great this morning, got to sleep in after working 2 16 hour days (blugh!)


Oh and My Other HUGE Triumph? My GPA is back and KICKING ASS, none of this 2.4 bullshit I was pulling during my depression. I'm back pulling a 3.3 again baby! And I'm gonna try for a 3.7 next semester. I just need my English Grade as well as my Japan 460 Grade..I have no idea why Hurley hasn't posted the english grades, i wrote that exam on the 3rd O_o;

I CAN DO IT <3!!!


TO DO
Complete Awareness Comittee Tasks (sign up sheets, and blurbs by Jan 3)
Passport Application SUBMIT
Start Student Line of Credit

]]> ~Jennova-Absolute http://Jennova-Absolute.deviantart.com/journal/28969809/ http://Jennova-Absolute.deviantart.com/journal/28969809/ Tue, 15 Dec 2009 20:06:25 PST Boy you sure look good there standin' in the doorway in the sunset light
Maybe I read you wrong thinkin' you could be my Mr. Right
I was puttin' my heart and soul on the line
Said you needed some time, just a little more time to make up your mind
Well it's been long enough
Time is up



Sometimes when i wake up, I feel so strong, strength enough to conquer any challenge. There is a core of steel inside me, and when a challenge comes, a fire heats up that core, making it to hot for anyone to touch. I feel the power well up, and charge through me.

Sometimes, I am scared. I feel worthless, not smart enough, too fat. Too Fat has been trying to get me again. But, instead of running on the treadmill until I pass out, then binging on crap, I finish my meal. I drink a glass of water, and have a salad next time.

when I feel like shit, I imagine setting a fire at the base of that steel core. It heats up all the way and burns red hot. You can't beat me



Bye bye love, I'll catch you later
Got a lead foot down on my accelerator and the rearview mirror torn off
I ain't never lookin' back. And that's a fact.
I've tried all I can imagine
I've begged and pleaded in true lover's fashion
I've got pride, I'm takin' it for a ride
Bye bye, bye bye my baby, bye bye


I feel like I've been to some really dark places this last year. Especially after something I built my life around left, causing what was me to collapse.

So I rebuilt.

And I rebuilt smarter, stronger. I put a cage around my heart, that opens for truth only...and its timed by a machine, there is no key that you can force me to give you.



Don't think all those tears are gonna hold me here like they've done before
You'll find what's left of us in a cloud of dust on highway 4
Baby what did you expect me to do
Just sit around and wait on you
Well I'm through watchin' you just skate around the truth
And I know it sounds trite
I've seen the light



I still get scared, but I have a strong core inside of me, that cna't be beat.

I had the scariest 2 weeks in my life, But here I am. I did not crumble. I perservered.

I made some mistakes...but Now I now how to fight even stronger next time!

when adversity comes, Ko gets Red Hot.

I've been even telling the "Fat" demon to go and fuck itself with its stupid fucking sizist ideas!

I am working at my own pace, Demon! You ain't gonna bring me down into that girl anymore.


I made concrete stairs coming up out of my dark place. I still hit the ground hard, but I can always get up.


Bye bye love, I'll catch you later
Got a lead foot down on my accelerator and the rearview mirror torn off
'Cause I ain't never lookin' back, and that's a fact.
I've tried all I can imagine
I've begged and pleaded in true lover's fashion
I've got pride, I'm takin' it for a ride
Bye bye, bye bye my baby, bye bye

I'd lost the game I guess
I did my best to win the part
Now I'm leavin' here with what's left of my heart.
Bye bye, I'll catch you later
Got a lead foot down on my accelerator and the rearview mirror torn off
'Cause I ain't never lookin' back.
You can count on that.
I've tried all I can imagine
I've begged and pleaded in true lover's fashion
I've got pride, I'm takin' it for a ride
Bye bye, bye bye my baby, bye bye

Bye bye
Ooh baby
Oh oh
Bye bye, bye bye my baby, bye bye

]]> ~Jennova-Absolute http://Jennova-Absolute.deviantart.com/journal/28932093/ http://Jennova-Absolute.deviantart.com/journal/28932093/ Sun, 13 Dec 2009 21:17:29 PST
Do Not Call Me Sweetie. Do Not Patronize Me. You should consider yourself lucky to have even touched me.

I am Not a Pawn. I am Aware Of Your Bullshit. Trying to use me in a little vengance game will backfire terribly.

You have been warned.

I hate being called "sweetie" by a man.



I need it to be wednesday. I need to be drinking a glass of something strong, with only beautiful work to look forward to. Blessed work, not school, no stress. if I get stressed ,I take it off, I take a break. School is less forgiving.

2 Exams

1 Essay

6 Hours Volunteer work

I can Do it.

]]> ~Jennova-Absolute http://Jennova-Absolute.deviantart.com/journal/28796620/ http://Jennova-Absolute.deviantart.com/journal/28796620/ Sun, 06 Dec 2009 21:39:02 PST
Really bad.

I always wished i could create things for people. Those gifts I get from people, I always cherish in a different way. My hat from Dana. The Picture Jo Drew me all those many moons ago.

wehn I make things...Generally it looks like a 2 year old got into the craft cupboard.

But! I had a nice little brain explosion for X-mas Presents for Josh and Jo this year that I can MAKE, and CREATE MYself, using some Ko skills, and some slight exploitation of the Alamanc..(I stole some of their supposed "waste")

I"m really excited and I think that both of them will actually LIKE it, which is pretty obscure for something that a Ko like me CREATED.

Normally I end up pouring money into shit because I'm not all that creative. This year, I've been working really hard on cutting back funding ebcause I'm broke, but Not cutting back Present. Does that make sense?

ONce I pick up some supplies this week, I'll be finished X-mas shopping for my Spruce Friends <3 I got Alan something random and kinda badass and Dana something pretty and Asian tastic.


I have to finish Karley's Present ($20) , My Parents Stockings, my sisters Present, Regan's gift and Tanias. And some small things for a couple people in my classes.


Overall Christmas = Sucess. I"m way more prepared than I ever have been before!

I"m even getting my mailing done tomarrow^_^; As opposed to last year when i did my Christmas mailing um..January 2nd *cough*

what, I got caught up


But this year, I am in control of oD'ing on the work-a-hol. I'll be working a lot after the 17th but I made sure that I took a few nights off to enjoy the holidays with my friends and family


Now If I could just get these really shitty eating habits I developed like 2 weeks ago to go away, I'll be the control master.



TO DO
Thought Piece 460
Moodle 388 (2)
English 388 Final Dec 3
Write Draft for JAPAN Oral final
Present Japanese Oral Final Dec 7
W. Studies Exam Dec 8
ENGL 384 Final- Dec 9
JAPAN 460 Final Paper Due- Dec. 15
JAPAN 201 final Exam- Dec 16
Submit Passport Application
Finish X-mas present Shopping
JLPT Level 4- Dec 6
Get American Cash for LAOS Visa

]]> ~Jennova-Absolute http://Jennova-Absolute.deviantart.com/journal/28727775/ http://Jennova-Absolute.deviantart.com/journal/28727775/ Thu, 03 Dec 2009 12:52:34 PST
Taking yourself out on a date is a concept given to me by a girl with the same name as me in High School. You go, do exactly what YOU want to do, treating yourself. Go shopping, Go see a Movie. I happen to like to go and rest in a nice sit down resturant alone. Once you get over the fear of dining along in public, its the most relaxing thing you could do.

Poison of choice was Yokozunas. I got a Sushi Sashimi Bento with a deep, earthy cup of green tea. I breathed in that sweet perfection and was totally zen. I even wrote really shitty Haiku But I don't even care because it was my Soul talking. Even if the words don't sound right, the feeling always is.


~*~*~
Why Get Caught Up In
Prentsion. When all you need
Is to be Yourself


Breathe Life from a Cup
Of Tea, Earthy, deep and green
Relax, Calm Rising


~*~*~


Got a bit more X-mas shopping done. I woke up with a notice from the post office, and I thought it was my order from Modcloth. I went to get it,and discovered it was an X-mas present from my friend Sayuri in Japan.

Sayuri always sends the nicest, thoughful, Courtney-squee inducing stuff ever. I actually got a Ponyo Origami set this year, which people who don't suck at Origami should come over and do and I can watch She also sent me the cutest shirt that fits amazingly which makes me really happy <3 With the Lolita earrings she sent me (One side is black, silver and hearts and the other side is a black ribbon with a black rose) and the fact that my hair got chopped uber short yesterday, I feel Asian-tastic.

And cute and Spunky


My hair did get whacked pretty short. It freaked me out as always because I always think that short hair will bring out the fact that I"m kinda huge. But I don't really care anymore..I love having short hair.


I have a final exam tonite. Not Worried, I might end up kicking myself over a lack of preparation but honstly how hard can an open book text be? I'm going to review some of the material I'm not allowed to bring in, but honestly other than that I"m good.

Can't wait to sell these little buggers! I have a feeling though that I won't get very much $$ back for my English books. Buyback value is determined by if they are teaching the course again next semester and both of mine aren't. Keepnig most of my books from Childrens Lit to sell to pregnant friends/family.

I did up another List of things that need to get done before Christmas.


TO DO
Thought Piece 460
Moodle 388 (2)
English 388 Final Dec 3
Write Draft for JAPAN Oral final
Present Japanese Oral Final Dec 7
W. Studies Exam Dec 8
ENGL 384 Final- Dec 9
JAPAN 460 Final Paper Due- Dec. 15
JAPAN 201 final Exam- Dec 16
Submit Passport Application
Finish X-mas present Shopping
JLPT Level 4- Dec 6
Get American Cash for LAOS Visa (I did this early because I was worried Iw as going to break into it for emergency cash. I can't spend it if its in another currency!)
Make $1200 Payment on Thailand Trip

]]> ~Jennova-Absolute http://Jennova-Absolute.deviantart.com/journal/28591302/ http://Jennova-Absolute.deviantart.com/journal/28591302/ Thu, 26 Nov 2009 13:30:50 PST But still.

I remember looking at this list and freaking out.

But I got er' done!


I have a few thigns left, yes, but those are small, and leisure like activities. And exams of course, We can't forget exams.

All i have to REALLY focus on next week is completing my Japanese Oral Final, the JLPT and My English Final

So its not as lax as I"d like, its still better than powerpoint, presentation, thought piece, finish the last 4 online postings for English, photoshoot, write reflection of photoshoot, write 6 page research paper, and STILL get all of my normal studying, etc in.

GOD

I do NOT want to repeat the last 2 weeks. I hope that I"ve learned a freakin valuble lesson here..PRE PLANNING IS KEY




I'm Working on a presentation on "The Rise of Graphic Novels"

I cannot Wait to be finished.

All I want, is to sleep without havnig to wake up and do something right away. Then I want to get up, cook breakfast, work out, shower. Go see friends and shoot the shit for a few hours. Eat some cactus cut nachos. Go back to sleep.

Thats not too much to ask, ne?

Oh Weekend, you and I shall get along famously <3

To Do ~*

Write 2 More Moodle Posts for 388
Write 1 more Thought Piece for 460
Oral Final Presentation- Dec 7th, Write script, submit, memorize
JLPT- Dec. 6
Holiday Shopping
Submit Passport Forms
Mail My X-mas Presents To Japan and Florida



LOOK AT EVERYTHING I GOT DONE


<3


Moodle 384 Posts- 3 remaining
Paper Slam for Research Paper- Nov. 18
Research Paper, 6pg- Nov. 24


Essay on Bullshit something or other, 6pg - Nov. 19th
Pecha Kucha assignment- due Nov. 26th


Presentation on Abortion and Ambiguity in Buddhism 460- Nov. 24
2/3 Though Pieces done


w.studies essay #2-ASAP
w.studies essay #3- ASAP
Peer Evalutation on Creative Project- Nov 17th
Creative Project and Reflection Paper- Due Nov. 26


Japanese
Midterm- Nov. 18th


Extra

Confirm Japan travel dates
S.A.C- Social Party Nov. 21
Photoshoot for w-studies project- Nov 23

]]> ~Jennova-Absolute http://Jennova-Absolute.deviantart.com/journal/28523130/ http://Jennova-Absolute.deviantart.com/journal/28523130/ Mon, 23 Nov 2009 06:32:28 PST
I've been doing really really good with the balance work/life/school/friends thing. Okay at least until last week. Last week and this, I find myself moving around so crazy that I' barely have time to shower. Full Courseloads, they'll getcha eventually.

But once this week if over, things will calm down considerably. I should make some good cash next weekend, and set me up for awhile.
I'd like to get my topic for my oral presentation in Japanese..it would help me practice. I didn't get as spectacular on my midterm as hoped..
I"m going to go talk to Sensei today about my grade.If I don't get a B, my entire life struggle will have been for naught. As it sits rihgt now i SHOULD be good, but we're not gonna take chances with that. I'm not settling for a B-

I deleted about 30 people off of facebook last night.

It was one of the most satisfying moves of my life. Evaluation of who i still want in my life, who I don't want to contact me anymore, who i want to see my updates, stuff like that. So many people are on there because I felt obligated. Not family-type obligated, societal-wise obligated. So I got rid of them. Granted FB is still one of those obligation type things...so there are quite a few people I don't want.

Take for instance my DA account. Only a few select people are allowed to know that it even exists. One person I don't really care for knows about it but I doubt he comes around here anymore. Its personal. My facebook is considerably less personal, but I managed to knock it down.


Executive Decision. who I am, and who i want to be around. I don't want poisonous people hurting me anymore, and even if I'm aware their a toxic person, I don't want them around me regardless. why do I have to cater to people that I don't care for, who are manipulative and hurtful?

I don't that's what.

I want to help people, and iwant to be around people. I don't want to sacrifice myself so that a hurtful person feels better anymore, in another display of disfunctionality.


woah haha this was supposed to be about my schoolwork accomplishing goals, kinda went in a pear shaped direction.


I had an anxiety attack on Friday. I'm getting more and more able to discuss these, but Its a work in progress. i had a shift at the centre that day. I went to talk to them

And they understood. They were the nicest freaking people about it. No Guilt trips, no anger, no anything other than genuine concern. They respected my decision that I could not work, and were like "Please feel better!"

I'm still in shock about that

My Ex doesn't get why, "everyone will help you if you ask"

Do They? Does everyone? why do I feel like that never happens as much as people say it does?

Maybe I'm still taking on too much excess responsibility. But I don't feel guilty about missing my shift, because I know I would not have been a good support to any clients that came in. I doj't feel guilty about missing work anymore, as long as its for a good reason, and I'm being honest to myself and honest to my boss. I've been making my goals a lot clearer to my workplace and to myself.


Cuz thats my policy <3


I"m developing a slight crush on Castiel from SUpernatural. Don't worry Sammy baby, hes not strong enough to take me away from you^_~

Jo/Alan/Dana/Josh- I got my hands on Supernatural Season 4..how do you feel about a nice easy relax supernatural-athon on Sunday?



I hope I don't have to memorize my pecha kucha presentation


Moodle 384 Posts- 3 remaining
Paper Slam for Research Paper- Nov. 18
Research Paper, 6pg- Nov. 24

Moodle 388 Posts- Write 4 Moodle Posts
Essay on Bullshit something or other, 6pg - Nov. 19th
Pecha Kucha assignment- due Nov. 26th

Thought Piece 460- 3 (1 pg ea. due on every remaining tuesday)(2/3 Completed)
Presentation on Abortion and Ambiguity in Buddhism 460- Nov. 24

w.studies essay #2-ASAP
w.studies essay #3- ASAP
Peer Evalutation on Creative Project- Nov 17th
Creative Project and Reflection Paper- Due Nov. 26


Japanese
Midterm- Nov. 18th
Oral Final- Dec. 7th

Extra
JLPT- December 6th, 2009
Submit passport forms
Confirm Japan travel dates
S.A.C- Social Party Nov. 21
Photoshoot for w-studies project- Nov 23
X-mas Shopping
Mail X-mas presents to Florida/Japan

]]> ~Jennova-Absolute http://Jennova-Absolute.deviantart.com/journal/28291852/ http://Jennova-Absolute.deviantart.com/journal/28291852/ Wed, 18 Nov 2009 21:14:48 PST
I'm trying to write a paper, and I'm going to.

I will achieve my goals
i will achieve my goals
i will achieve my goals
I will achieve my GOALS




Moodle 384 Posts- 3 remaining
Paper Slam for Research Paper- Nov. 18
Research Paper, 6pg- Nov. 24

Moodle 388 Posts- 3 remaining
Essay on Bullshit something or other, 6pg - Nov. 19th
Pecha Kucha assignment- due Nov. 26th

Thought Piece 460- 3 (1 pg ea. due on every remaining tuesday)(1/3 Completed)
Presentation on Abortion and Ambiguity in Buddhism 460- Nov. 24

w.studies essay #2-ASAP
w.studies essay #3- ASAP
Peer Evalutation on Creative Project- Nov 17th
Creative Project and Reflection Paper- Due Nov. 26


Japanese
Midterm- Nov. 18th
Oral Final- Dec. 7th

Extra
JLPT- December 6th, 2009
Submit passport forms
Confirm Japan travel dates
S.A.C- Social Party Nov. 21
Photoshoot for w-studies project- Nov 23
X-mas Shopping
Mail X-mas presents to Florida/Japan
Not Die




Come On Courtney, lets buckle down and get this shit done.

]]> ~Jennova-Absolute http://Jennova-Absolute.deviantart.com/journal/28193563/ http://Jennova-Absolute.deviantart.com/journal/28193563/ Sat, 07 Nov 2009 08:10:51 PST
I'm really sorry if your getting tired of my super journaling that I've been doing lately..I have a lot to epress, always it seems.

I've written some kinda angry journals latly, and right now i wanted to take a few minutes to reflect on how freaking awesome my life is right now. I've been thinking about how my life has changed over the past year, and Holy Crap Courtney, way to go. Yes I'm congratulatin myself, get over it A girl in my Japanese class is always like "Ugh, why do you do that?"

well quite simply I've spent a lot of time kicking my face in the dirt. I'm done with it.


Last Year I thought I'd drown without this guy holding me up.
Last Year, I thought I couldn't help anyone
Last year, i felt that I was fat, stupid, and unable to finish my degree, i was worthless academically, I had no ability to make choices, I had nothing. Sure there were good days, but it feels to me like i was drowing in the bad ones


This Year

I've been getting better grades than I ever have before (A on my English Project! B in women Studies! 80% in Japanese..and never getting below 90 on daily quizzes!)

I'm Rockin the single life, i love it. I'm living and learning and

I got a great posistion volunteering my time at a centre that I love and respect. I'm getting training, and working on bettering myself on ideals that I always believed in but could never articulate until now. I've worked with 2 people, and did a great job, and have even more learning experience to help more people. I met a new community of friends

I'm going on the adventure of a lifetime next year..traveling Thailand, Laos and japan. I have friends all over that I"m going to meet..new experiences..I'll be scuba certified by the end of it...I paid for this trip, i organized this trip, I'm taking all the steps to make sure this trip happens. It can't be taken away from me because "I wasn't good enough"


I got my Job at the Almanac back. At First i wasn't thrilled but I can really see how this is going to be good for me, but it is. I know it. I'm not involved in anything big anymore, i work 3 days a week serving, and only bartending one of those (boo, but I'll make more money serving). The Days work out well, i can still see my friends, and get all my schoolwork done. I'll be able to afford my travling.


I'm keeping up on my back fixey treatments, havn't had any stupid seizure pain in awhile^_^


working out more often, I feel like my body type is changing..which is probably bullshit. My waist feels smaller, and my shoulders feel more toned. And my ass is getting less squishy looking, thank GOD. been working out, going to try other activitie, like swimming and rock climbing.

I love my friends, and I love that they understand how busy i am now, because now its at a healthy level.



Going to get a bunch of people knocked off my X-mas list today (Oh Online Shopping <3) I've been freaked to use the credit card because I would have been unable to make p;ayments. If I get it done now, then all the money I'll make in crazy work week (right before X-mas) will go straight to traveling.

I found a really awesome thing for Jo, but I'm not sure If I wanna pay 30 shipping for something thats smaller than my ear >_< So you might end up getting something else








You would not believe your eyes
If ten million fireflies
Lit up the world as I fell asleep

'Cause they'd fill the open air
And leave teardrops everywhere
You'd think me rude
But I would just stand and stare

I'd like to make myself believe
That planet Earth turns slowly
It's hard to say that I'd rather stay
Awake when I'm asleep
'Cause everything is never as it seems

'Cause I'd get a thousand hugs
From ten thousand lightning bugs
As they tried to teach me how to dance

A fox trot above my head
A sock hop beneath my bed
A disco ball is just hanging by a thread

I'd like to make myself believe
That planet earth turns slowly
It's hard to say that I'd rather stay
Awake when I'm asleep
'Cause everything is never as it seems
When I fall asleep

Leave my door open just a crack
(Please take me away from here)
'Cause I feel like such an insomniac
(Please take me away from here)
Why do I tire of counting sheep
(Please take me away from here)
When I'm far too tired to fall asleep

To ten million fireflies
I'm weird 'cause I hate goodbyes
I... ]]> ~Jennova-Absolute http://Jennova-Absolute.deviantart.com/journal/28170542/ http://Jennova-Absolute.deviantart.com/journal/28170542/ Thu, 05 Nov 2009 22:12:19 PST
Someone that when i want to run, will grab my hand and say "where to?"

I'm looking for the other half of my heart.

Its okay if you take some time, I'll be waiting until I know its you.

]]> ~Jennova-Absolute http://Jennova-Absolute.deviantart.com/journal/28063826/ http://Jennova-Absolute.deviantart.com/journal/28063826/ Sat, 31 Oct 2009 10:41:17 PDT
And Yes I'll wear a low cut shirt when i work at the bar. Suck it the fuck up and deal with it. I made 200 dollars last night so F*** you <3

The bar called me in..if I hadn't been so piss poor broke i would have told them No, but as it is, I couldn't pay my car insurance for the month. So yeah, i went in. I had to put up with *that* bitch again..but its okay because if I go in again, I'm pretty damn confident in what I'm going to tell her about how she treats me and what i stand for. I don't have any patience for this horizontal hostility shit. Seriously. Y'know I got glimpses of her last night, that she might be a decent girl, if she wasn't yknow unnesicarily threatened by my existence. All i want is to be treatedwith respect. I dont' understand how most of my work relationships turn into "Okay you respect me, and I'll treat you like crap"

Basically i'm sick of it. I'm cranking up my 8 personality for this... So 2 exert control when apearing to be bent and subservient huh? well as fun as thats been, this way is a lot faster.


Also

Never Trust women when they come up and start cooing about your appearance. Never Fucking Trust them. Especially when they use the word cute. Its just other ways to cut you down to something that they don't have to feel frightened of.

Crazy Bitches. There is a certain tone to it, mark my words. and you'll know it when you hear it because they'll be smiling at you, they'll probably even repeat it a few times. But their tone will be off, and a shudder will run through you, even though you think that nothing is wrong. Listen to it, Mark it, and do everything you can to be strong and watch for bitchy undermining cuts.

A Guy puked on my floor, and some giant smushed my foot last night. I fucking hurt. At least the puker insisted on cleaning it up himself. Like fuck if I"m cleaning up puke.


I want to go out tonight,i feel like I should but at the same time I don't want to anymore. i would be happy resting and watching scary movies, eatin some sushi and watching little 3 year olds in Unicorn costumes stumble up to my door,


Ah well, still makes me stronger!

Some past events are making me slightly awkard. I hope that a certain someone can keep his mouth shut about our "history". I wasn't expecting to meet his brother again.

Also, had a heart to heart with a friend last night...this guy really keeps blowing my mind. I don't care about him romantically..but seriously i have good conversations.

For someone to kiss my hair, then kiss my hand, then leave. Its all really quite peculiar. Its nice to start to break that retarded idea that my brain has that Love=Sex/Physical affection



EDIT

Also, my Halloween night is never for sale again. worst night ever, my feet are cut up and bruised and swollen. My eyes swelled shut from some allergy bullshit. The computer crashed, I don't even know how much i made.

]]> ~Jennova-Absolute http://Jennova-Absolute.deviantart.com/journal/27962115/ http://Jennova-Absolute.deviantart.com/journal/27962115/ Sun, 25 Oct 2009 14:56:56 PDT I sailed away to China in a little row boat to find ya,
And you said you had to get your laundry cleaned
Didn’t want no one to hold you - what does that mean?
And you said:

Ain’t nothing gonna break my stride,
Nobody’s gonna slow me down, oh no, I've got to keep on moving.
Ain’t nothing gonna break my stride,
I’m running and I won’t touch ground, oh no, I've got to keep on moving.

You’re on the road and now you pray it lasts
The road behind was rocky, but now you’re feeling cocky.
You look at me and you see your past.
Is that the reason why you’re running so fast?
And you said:

Ain’t nothing gonna break my stride,
Nobody’s gonna slow me down, oh no, I've got to keep on moving.
Ain’t nothing gonna break my stride,
I’m running and I won’t touch ground, oh no, I've got to keep on moving.


Never let another guy like you, work me over.
Never let another guy like you, drag me under.
If I need another guy like you, I will tell him,
Never want another guy like you, have to say - hey!

Ain’t nothing gonna break my stride,
Nobody’s gonna slow me down, oh no, I've got to keep on moving.
Ain’t nothing gonna break my stride,
I’m running and I won’t touch ground, oh no, I've got to keep on moving.

Ain’t nothing gonna break my stride,
Nobody’s gonna slow me down, oh no, I've got to keep on moving.
Ain’t nothing gonna break my stride,
I’m running and I won’t touch ground, oh no, I've got to keep on moving.

]]> ~Jennova-Absolute http://Jennova-Absolute.deviantart.com/journal/27921682/ http://Jennova-Absolute.deviantart.com/journal/27921682/ Fri, 23 Oct 2009 11:34:01 PDT
Passed my Japanese midterm. And by Pass I mean, I got a B. In order for my entire degree not to go flushing down the toilet, I need to get a B in everything. EVERYTHING.

*breathes deep sighs of relief*

I'm scared to get back to University japanese...Grant Mac Japanese is structured so un stress ful like, and less YOUR GONNA DIE SCUM. I"m getting to used to the comfy easyness of it.

I had huge amounts of projects due, and I'm more than a little pissed at myself for not finishing them sooner. FOr inststance, my creative project in English is due at 1. Its 12:27. I just finished gluing everything down.

Fuck Ko, one of these days.

Procrastination and I could write a bad romance together.

I want your loving
All you love is revenge
You and me could wtrite a bad romance

Oh
Caught in a Bad Romance



ANyways, I still finished a 9 page Paper, did a huge creative project for English, wrote a Japanese midterm and kept up with all little projects for my classes. Its an accomplishment of sorts

Got a healthy butter chicken recipe from my friend Erin, if i have time to make it today I will..I've got to finish my Halloween costume though first. First Stop: Custom Costumes and I hope they still have that vampire slaying kit because I don't know where I can get stakes if they don't have any.

2nd Stop WEM for some rather normal tight black shorts and some kind of badass black strapless top. I have the image of what i want in my head, i hope its not too expensive.


I have 300 bucks left, its not gonna last long ~_~;; Parking and Insurance come out in the beginging of november and my cell bill was 80. And thats late already. Ugh

Fuck I need a job. I found a cute Barista type job on campus for minimum wage...it'll be lame byt at least its CASH. And campus jobs are usually pretty good with schedules.

Monday Goal- Print Resumes, GET JOB!!!!


Weekend Goals-

W. Studies Readings
Write W.Studies Response Piece (3 pg)
Japanese Kanji Homework
Study Vocab for Quiz
Finish Shapeshifter
Write Moodle Post by Sunday


takin it easy <3

]]> ~Jennova-Absolute http://Jennova-Absolute.deviantart.com/journal/27873147/ http://Jennova-Absolute.deviantart.com/journal/27873147/ Tue, 20 Oct 2009 14:31:49 PDT
wonder if there's anyone who'll stay.

Right now, i hope not.



I'm getting a little chapped at how i get bothered for dumb shit that they could have done themselves while ignoring things that are what i consider to be kinda sorta worthwhile.

Guess I'm just pissy at being ditched, I really really hate being flaked on.

]]> ~Jennova-Absolute http://Jennova-Absolute.deviantart.com/journal/27815903/ http://Jennova-Absolute.deviantart.com/journal/27815903/ Sat, 17 Oct 2009 12:31:55 PDT

Okay, so I know that I should be working on my paper right now. I wrote almost 2 pages whoot! But it doesn't really count because I put it in Courier News font, which automatically makes everything bigger...but I shrunk the size a bit so I"m guessing that its just a little bit bigger than Times New Roman font size 12. (which is standard)

Hey if you don't give me requirements, Ko shall do what Ko shall do.

Okay so writnig about the Burakumin in Japan. whoot.

For anybody who read my quickie story the Encounter, I've been doing some minor editing..yes I know its filled with spelling mistakes and probably grammar errors, but I like to submit and change as I get opinions from people. Ps writing smut is fun, I totally get why Leah and Hilary do it now (JK I love you Leah)

UGH There are like 19 different terms for Burakumin throughout the time period and I'm getting confused as to which one I should use, or just say fuck it and write a paragraph explaining why i'm just using one of em'.

Going to Original Joe's with my sister and Karley in a little bit..then to my cousins hockey game. AS most of my family is what i consider Bat Shit Crazy, I am looking forward to spending time with my Dads side, who i actually LIKE.

Once this week is over, Ko is FREE FREE FREE!!! (with the exception of a project proposal due on Oct 29, and a quick 3 page essay on w.studies something or other. And the usual amount of work. So like, actually not really free)

MAN I AM EXCITED TO TRAVEL NEXT YEAR! Buzzed Buzzed Buzzed! I want to go to Kyoto to see Takeru, Sapporo to see Aoi, Eniwa to see Sayuri, and Shikaoi to see Hilary, Nobuko and Motohiro, Kisyo and Rei and all of my other great friends there.

<3

Sometimes i get SO EXCITED about laying on a beach in Thailand, drinking delicious frosty beverages, mountain climbing, tiger petting, elephant riding. Then I remember Japan and I think of Mt Fuji, and Shikaoi and friends and culture and food and then I go, Holy Shit I get to go do BOTH.

*le sigh of contentement*

However my dear Ko, you need to really get hacking on your work better because if you fail anything, you ain' going, kapeesh?

I think I'm just going to borrow most of the money for my traveling..I know i'm going to have to borrow a few thousand,(bout 3K) and I'd rather it for beautiful live experiences <3

Not having a job Rocks awesome well.

I wanna watch Supernatural Season 2!! HUrry up Midterms BE DONE.


List To Do This week

Japanese 460 Burakumin Paper (PRIORITY)
ENGL 384 Creative Project
Moodle 384
Moodle 388
Thought Piece JAPAN 460
Inkshed ENGL 384
JAPANESE MIDTERM (21)
S.A Committee meeting
3 hours of Volunteer work
w.Studies Readings
Read Peter and wendy
Japanese 201 Homework.
Japan 460 Readings


Peace and Love <3

]]> ~Jennova-Absolute http://Jennova-Absolute.deviantart.com/journal/27770624/ http://Jennova-Absolute.deviantart.com/journal/27770624/ Wed, 14 Oct 2009 20:15:46 PDT
Fuck

Almost finished my paper. I'm hoping that it'll work out, I'm giving myself 2 hours tomarrow to do some editing and finish up the last paragraph about Morals and shit. I just wish i could have focused enough to get it done @_@

I know i'll try and just sit there with that strangly numb feeling in my brain.

Guh

Had a really really shitty day today. I got a notice from the crown prosecutor last night..the ticket that they apparently "ripped up"...Yeah, no dice they actually didn't so I got charged late fees on the fine that I was told I didn't have to pay, as well as i have a warrant for my arrest for not paying my ticket. (basically only comes into effect if I get pulled over..they don't come looking for me or anything)

Almost slid into a truck today..it was really scary especially because i was going really slow. the guy started yelling at me and giving me the wtf face and i wanted to flip the ass off because it wasn't my fault. Iwas turning (at about 2 km/hour fyi) and starting sliding and he had to wait to turn. Fuck you Fuck Face.

still, i can't afford to get a new car, and any type of damage will probably get my car written off.

I've been pissy all morning about my ticket..I just keep feeling like i have no time, must do this, must do this. Everyone thinks i"m nuts because Im excited for exams. An exam is a date. You go, you finish you leave. a Project is a long amount of effort, hanging on your back like a leech, harassing you wherever you go, always at the back of your mind. Exams are more peaceful.


I wouldn't mind calling my ex and chatting with him again, but I had a huge anxiety attack last time, I haven't figured out why yet. I'm working on it I guess. I miss his friendship and his sarcasm sometimes..as much as he can piss me off, he is also a good friend.

Back to the bad day, I found out I had a bunch of re editing and shit to do for my english paper..my professor "forgot' to tell us something about the project, so I basically had to restructure my paper.


Saw the Supernatural with Paris Hilton in it. Man its satisfying to watch Sam hack her head off with an axe.


So in my total rush to get everythign done at home, i stepped in a big pile of cat puke and spilled my tea

>_______________________________<


I'm looking at my "2" Qualities, and using "Anger and distress as a sign that my needs are not being met"

Havn't quite figured out what a LOGICAL need would be, other than I need a magic fucking school essay fairy.


Ah well..I'm meeting with a girl at the SA Centre tomarrow and we're working out how to get rid of and report the Anti-choice ("prolife") posters to Advertisments Canada for displaying false information. That'll keep me going strong for awile

Got rid of "Talking about our feelings about what happened guy"

I think^_^;;;;



Need to hack down

English 388 Essay (oct 15)(95% complete)
JAPAN 460 Essay(oct 22)(10% complte)
ENGL 384 Creative Project(oct 23)(0% complete)



You better take it from me
That boy is like a disease
Your runnin your tryin to hide and your
wonderin why you cant get free

He's like a curse
He's like a drug
You get addicted to his love
You want to get out but he's holdin you down
cause you cant live without one more
touch

He's a, a good time cowboy casanova leanin
up against the record machine
Looks like a cool drink of water but
He's candy coated misery
He's the devil in disguise
A snake with blue eyes
And he only comes out at night
He gives you feelings that u dont want to
fight
You better run for your life

Oooohhh Oh
Oooohhh Oh

I see that look on your face
You aint hearin what I say
So I'll say it again cause I been where
you been and I know how it ends you
cant get away

Dont even look in his eyes
He'll tell you nothin but lies
And you want to believe but you wont be decieved if you listen to me and take my advice

He's a good time cowboy casanova leanin
up against the record machine
Looks like a cool drink of water but
he's candy coated misery
He's the devil in disguise
A snake with blue eyes and he only come
out at night
He gives you feelings that you dont want
to fight
You better run for your life
Run, run away dont let him mess with
your mind

He'll tell you anything y... ]]> ~Jennova-Absolute http://Jennova-Absolute.deviantart.com/journal/27734985/ http://Jennova-Absolute.deviantart.com/journal/27734985/ Mon, 12 Oct 2009 20:41:47 PDT
Please get your ass to work. I know you've been sitting here for 6 hours and have produced exactly 2 1/2 pages of text. I know that they are perfect pages of text, flawlessly edited and EXPANDED. You need to write half a page before you go to sleep tonight. I'm not even tired or anything, i just look at it and go "...fuck" If i have 3 pages, all i have to do is write 2 1/2 more on wednesday, and after the insane thesis anlysis you did today, it should be no problem. Come on Ko... you hyped youself up on earl gray tea and pumpkin pie for what? NOthing?

Sincerly,
Your Inner Ko



This week Future accomplishments

Moodle 384
JAPAN 460 Double Presentation Handout sheet (30% complete)
JAPAN 460 Thought Piece
ENGL 388 Essay
ENGL 384 Inkshed
Volunteer Shift (3hrs)
Study for JAPAN 201 Midterm
w.studies Readings
Moodle 388
ENGL 388 Readings
JAPAN 460 readings
Kanji Quiz #1-wed
Kanji Quiz #2-Fri
JAPAN 460 DRAFT
Bust Heads at Prosecutors office for being retards in general, as well as to get my ticket taken away for the 2nd time




Fuuuuuuuuuuuck I have a lot to do this week. But it'll all be great. My Halloween costume is coming along great, i decided to use my old Bel boots for the costume and save a few bucks..they look better than i thought they did.. I bought some sweet black kickass thighhighs today..I have the jewlery all picked out as well..I just need a pair of nice fitting tight black shorts and a nice new black tank (i have an urge to get a kinda dominatrixey one), and some stakes, and my vial of "Holy water"


I'm going to straighen my hair, deep dark eyeliner, fake lashes and some crazy red eye shadow that I got at MAC

]]> ~Jennova-Absolute http://Jennova-Absolute.deviantart.com/journal/27693611/ http://Jennova-Absolute.deviantart.com/journal/27693611/ Sat, 10 Oct 2009 18:57:46 PDT

why?

Sit

Think

Reflect

Fight

]]> ~Jennova-Absolute http://Jennova-Absolute.deviantart.com/journal/27659392/ http://Jennova-Absolute.deviantart.com/journal/27659392/ Thu, 08 Oct 2009 21:37:38 PDT
And then I thought, Fuck I"ll stand strong again, like I did the last time.

I'm not collapsible by the power of one man.

Haha, I rock <3

Go good mental power moment

]]> ~Jennova-Absolute http://Jennova-Absolute.deviantart.com/journal/27606993/ http://Jennova-Absolute.deviantart.com/journal/27606993/ Mon, 05 Oct 2009 22:20:26 PDT


I'll be happy when i wake up, promise.

>

They say life ain’t fair

Don’t let me go there

I’m not looking for fair

I’m just looking for where

I can point this thing

And blast away blast away

blast away

They say love don’t last

That it moves too fast

I see it like broken glass

So I can’t get past

Wanting to raise my fist

And smash away smash away

smash away

You’re gonna feel this

You won’t forget this

No way to heal this

So you’ll regret it

Look out for Love

(when it wants revenge)

Look out for my heart

(it’ll never mend)

Look out for Fate

(when it screams the end)

Look out for Love

(when it wants revenge)

They say life’s short

Reach out for support

Ya think I’m that sort?

If it’s my last resort

I open up wide

And scream away scream away

scream away

They say too bad

Both happy and sad

But all the pain I had

Just makes me so mad

I want to pull out my hair

And trash away thrash away

thrash away

You’re gonna feel this

You won’t forget this

No way to heal this

So you’ll regret it

Look out for Love

(when it wants revenge)

Look out for my heart

(it’ll never mend)

Look out for Fate

(when it screams the end)

Look out for Love

(when it wants revenge)

]]> ~Jennova-Absolute http://Jennova-Absolute.deviantart.com/journal/27519293/ http://Jennova-Absolute.deviantart.com/journal/27519293/ Thu, 01 Oct 2009 10:48:10 PDT
You know your society has some issues when there are over 20 words that mean "slut".

I understand the point, phrases like "Thats so Gay" or "I totally raped that guy!", anything along those lines. They take away from people who are gay, signifying that is wrong, or ridiculous..."Raped" takes away from victims who have been raped, trying to tell them that their experience is somehow not serious, or doesn't matter.

I wish I had my SA binder here for some great quotes out of there.

As of now, I am trying to change my language, lead by example. I don't want to say things, that although they don't seem serious at the time, that contribute to others pain, to others ideas about how they should be treated according to what they are, or how they've been treated.


No one should have to feel undervalued.


~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Ugh omg I have a zit on the corner of my mouth and it hurts to eat apples...but I love you Ringo-san!!!

I"m trying to eat my delicous apple in the computer lab which is totally silent. Maybe that was a bad plan.


I start Volunteering next week! I'm finally finished training and I want to start making my way of doing something good.



Man I am dysfunctional with men, but I'm working on it slowly.

Anyone who thinks I need to get hooked up right now, who thinks that I"m broken alone, who wants me to share in the great experience that they have in life right now, and doesn't understand why I need time to do that...
I love you all, but seriously please just step back. When I need help, I'll ask you for it. Actually I won't, but you'll probably wake up at midnight by me looking all emo on your doorstep. I"m living the life of an adventurous Ko and I'm breaking my fears down bit by bit. I Can't jump in the pool right now, I'll drown. I've been single for a year now (Whooo!) and its been an amazing life-changing emotional experience, and i feel i have more to learn. Maybe I'll meet the man of my dreams tomarrow, maybe I won't. So just let me be? I"m undergoing life experimentation right now

(this is not directed to anyone that would actually read this journal Fyi before people get bent out of shape)



"I"m leaving"

Its so funny how those words change everything.





Japanese exchange students are coming over next week! My friend Karley is hosting girls so I'm going to help out and shop with them! I"m trying to throw in some volunteer time with the town to keep me frsh in their brains I can actually get some Japanese practice in! Although I hope that they don't want me over to translate everything..cuz I"m not that good ^_^;;;;

]]> ~Jennova-Absolute http://Jennova-Absolute.deviantart.com/journal/27329190/ http://Jennova-Absolute.deviantart.com/journal/27329190/ Sun, 20 Sep 2009 21:14:26 PDT
Sometimes, the thought of the past is so appealing..but i know that I can't go back, i Cannot dwell, i just have to move forward the best I can. But when i have a weaker moment, i like to go back and visit.







You, looked at me as you walked in the room
Like the red sea, you split me open
Somehow i knew these wings were stolen
All you did was save my life
Tried to run but i couldnt move
Well i paid for these concrete shoes
Like a singer that sings the blues
You saw hope in the hopeless
I'm not dying
All you did was save my life
Pulled me out of that flat line
Put the heartbeat back inside
I'm not dying
All you did was get me through, i owe every breathe to you
Heart and soul unparalyzed, all you did was save my life
Save my life
I'm not for sale but i've been sold
The more i hear the less i know
The lies are swallowed whole
In there insignificance
The storys been told a million times, but it's different when it's your life
I won the lottery tonight, the lottery tonight
I'm not dying
All you did was save my life
Pulled me out of that flat line
Put the heartbeat back inside
I'm not dying
All you did was get me through, i owe every breathe to you
Heart and soul unparalyzed, all you did was save my life
Save my life
I started to come around, the dogs are backing down
I'm not afriad to see, the devil's gone underground
This tightropes been cut down, and i can finally breathe
You, looked at me as i walked in the room
Like the red sea you split me open
Somehow i knew these wings were stolen
I'm not dying
All you did was save my life
Pulled me out of that flat line, put the heart beat back inside
I'm not dying
All you did was get me through, i owe every breathe to you
Heart and soul unparalyzed, all you did was save my life
All you did was save my life
Put the heart beat back inside
All you did was save my life
Put the heart beat back inside
All you did was save my life

]]> ~Jennova-Absolute http://Jennova-Absolute.deviantart.com/journal/27225107/ http://Jennova-Absolute.deviantart.com/journal/27225107/ Tue, 15 Sep 2009 10:39:17 PDT
So I'm back to taking a 5 class semester...made up entirely of sr. level classes...It'll be fine, just gotta roar through this <3

I really want to graduate on time with my deadline of 2 years to finish my degree. I've pissed around enough in the past, and now that things have finally gone my way its time to excersize the power of choice and motivation Hoowah!

(do i sound like a weird slightly buggered Japanese English T-shirt? Its because I feel like one)


My Classes this year!

Japanese 460- ADvanced Topics in Japanese Religion
English 388- Childrens LIt and Oral traditions (this one is starting to scare me its a lot harder than I thought it would be)
English 384- On Hollywoods Version of the "indian", I took this basicaly because it was in a good time slot and it fills a requirement i need. Unfortunatly I'm stuck tryingto get through "The Last of the Mohicans" which i could care less about
Womens Studies 200- REally freaking interesting
Japanese 201- 2nd level language Japanese


ALl of which are really big commitment courses...

I"m also trying to complete 60 hours of Crisis Intervention Training so that I can volunteer with the Sexual Assault Center at the UoA...once this month calms down, I'll only be volunteering 4/week but damn is September heavy.
I am really tryinig to take things easy and make sure that i have fun good Courtney times because this training is really heavy and is telling me to spend a lot of time diong "Self care"...and my friends are trying to drag me out all over the planet. Spending some happy Courtney time would involve a thing of Sushi/Popcorn in front of a nice easy Anime movie.

I also really wanna have some time to work out but man oh man is that proving difficult. I'm at school most days from 9Am to 9:30 PM..~_~

Courtney To Do This Week!

ENGL 388- Forum Post
SA Training 15, 18, 19th
Finish the Last of the Mohicans (sparknotes here I come, you guys ahve no idea how much this book fucking sucks)
ENGL 384- weekly class review
ENGL 388 Class Readings
JAPAN 460- Class Readings
JAPAN 201- Finish 32A and whatever is assigned wed/Fri

Going to go to Original Joes to apply for a job, starting in OCTOBER. There is no way in hell i have time for a job in September, shiz.

Also, I'm not moving out. Loan people are retarded, after checking out the place I"ve decided to hold out for something bigger and cheaper in a less-down price range.

Thailand, here we go!



Here We Go!

Hey, what's up, Superstar?
Looks like you're goin' far,
Hey look it's Wonderguy,
Gonna make ya plenty fine,
Now what's up, Wondergirl?
You're gonna change the world,

So everything's not perfect,
Don't matter 'cause,
You rework it,
No-thing's holding you,
Never stopping,
Never stopping,
Never stopping now,

Oh-oh, Oh-oh, Oh-oh-oh,
Oh-oh, Oh-oh, Oh-oh, Here We Go!
Oh-oh, Oh-oh, Oh-oh-oh-oh...

Hey what's up dynamite?
Takin off on a new flight,
Step it up to number 1,
It won't back off until it's,
Gonna be like a great fly,
You're gonna be the next flier...

So every-thing is crazy,
Don't matter 'cause,
No-thing's fazing,
You...get...though...it,
Never stopping,
Never stopping,

Oh-oh, Oh-oh, Oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh, Oh-oh, Oh-oh, Here We Go!
Oh-oh, Oh-oh, Oh-oh-oh-oh...

Oh-oh, Oh-oh, Oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh, Oh-oh, Oh-oh, Here We Go!
Oh-oh, Oh-oh, Oh-oh-oh-ohhhhhh....

]]> ~Jennova-Absolute http://Jennova-Absolute.deviantart.com/journal/27080244/ http://Jennova-Absolute.deviantart.com/journal/27080244/ Mon, 07 Sep 2009 17:24:11 PDT
First Pet Peeve of Life

I love supporting my friends with their interests
I hate it when they need to push their interests on me with a haha I'm better than you, oh poor little dear you really DON"T understand this? Ah haha its so easy

*twitch*

I made an interesting choice on Monday...Can't really say what I did because I know a few unconventional people occasionally pop their heads past this page.

Tried on a new persona, had a new experience. It was fun, but scary and i was freaked to do it again. So I did, and i loved it and felt every bit of this experience but now i'm finished. I always though how weird it was for me to just turn myself off of things like this, but its not really that unusual. There are weirder things, certainly.


Now i'm just living

I don't know if she's even going to read this but I have to thank Leah a lot for last week. She went out of her way to get me a callback on a job, which i didn't end up taking but it helped my self esteem a lot. She talked me out of weird emotional twistyness and offered to help me the night after and kinda helped me even out my brain on an issue..which i'm not sure if she even knows she did. Thanks Leah...you did more for me than you know <3



*yawn* Got rid of the first boy, slowly disconnecting myself from the 2nd. And the 3rd, I'm trying not to think about, but damn is it hard. The less I see him, the better I guess until i can make a right decision.


You're chatting to me, like we connect
But I don't even know if we're still friends
It's so confusing,
Understanding you is making me not want to do

And things that I know I should do
But I trip fast and then I lose
And I hate looking like a fool

I just want your kiss boy, kiss boy, kiss boy
I just want your kiss
I just want your kiss boy, kiss boy, kiss boy
I just want your kiss

The lights are on
And someone's home
I'm not sure if they're alone
There's someone else inside my head
Living there too fills me with dread

This paranoia is distressing
But I spend most of my night guessing
Are we not, are we together
Will this make our lives much better

I'm not in love
I just wanna be touched

I just want your kiss boy, kiss boy, kiss boy
I just want your kiss
I just want your kiss boy, kiss boy, kiss boy
I just want your kiss


Whoops I think I've got too close
'Cause now he's telling me I'm girl that he likes most
Now I messed up it's not the first time
I'm not saying you're not on my mind
I hope that you don't think I'm unkind


I just want your kiss boy, kiss boy, kiss boy
I just want your kiss
I just want your kiss boy, kiss boy, kiss boy
I just want your kiss



]]> ~Jennova-Absolute http://Jennova-Absolute.deviantart.com/journal/27044578/ http://Jennova-Absolute.deviantart.com/journal/27044578/ Sat, 05 Sep 2009 22:34:11 PDT

Alright Court you wanted to play with the big girls, here's your chance. You made your choices, now live em up.

]]> ~Jennova-Absolute http://Jennova-Absolute.deviantart.com/journal/26995172/ http://Jennova-Absolute.deviantart.com/journal/26995172/ Thu, 03 Sep 2009 11:59:30 PDT

I don't know if my parking ticket got taken away yet;-; the guy who is giving me my loan can't seem to get his head on straight and keeps making me wait for dumb shit that he REALLY COULD HAVE TOLD ME THE FIRST 2 TIMES I"VE MET WITH HIM

God..i dunno the idea of moving out soudned really great but the idea of having to pay back all that money makes me just feel gross. plus i'm wondering if I don't want to save it and use it to study in Italy for a semester in 2 years. I guess i"ll figure it out. I just feel disjointed and stretched out, like butter stretched out over too much bread. Just can't seem to make the puzzle pieces fit together right, there is always one limb of the piece stuck out in the air.


Just generally angstily questioning everything right now. I'm hungry, i guess I should go and find someone that will give me hot water for my insta ramen.

Time for some happy dance music. Go dL Little Boots..she makes me happy


I can see you stalking like a predator
I've been here before
Temptation calls like Adam to the apple
But I will not be caught
Coz I can read those velvet eyes
And all I see is lies

No more poison
Killing my emotion
I will not be frozen
Dancing is my remedy, remedy, oh
Stop stop preying
Coz I'm not not playing
I'm not frozen
Dancing is my remedy, remedy, oh

Move while you're watching me
Dance with the enemy
I've got a remedy
Oh, oh-oh, oh-oh
Move while you're watching me
Dance with the enemy
Here is my remedy
Oh, oh-oh, oh-oh

Spin me faster like a kaleidoscope
All I've got's the floor
Yeah, you can try but I've found the antidote
Music is the cure
So you can try to paralyze
But I know best this time

No more poison
Killing my emotion
I will not be frozen
Dancing is my remedy, remedy, oh
Stop stop preying
Coz I'm not not playing
I'm not frozen
Dancing is my remedy, remedy, oh

Move while you're watching me
Dance with the enemy
I've got a remedy
Oh, oh-oh, oh-oh
Move while you're watching me
Dance with the enemy
Here is my remedy
Oh, oh-oh, oh-oh

La-da, da-da, la-da, la-da, da-da-da
Da-da, da-da, da-da-da-da, la-da

And when the music fades away
I know I'll be okay
Contagious rhythm in my brain
Let it play

No more poison
Killing my emotion
I will not be frozen
Dancing is my remedy, remedy, oh
Stop stop preying
Coz I'm not not playing
I'm not frozen
Dancing is my remedy, remedy, oh

Move while you're watching me
Dance with the enemy
I've got a remedy
Oh, oh-oh, oh-oh
Move while you're watching me
Dance with the enemy
Here is my remedy
Oh, oh-oh, oh-oh

Move while you're watching me
Dance with the enemy
I've got a remedy
Oh, oh-oh, oh-oh
Move while you're watching me
Dance with the enemy
Here is my remedy
Oh, oh-oh, oh-oh

]]> ~Jennova-Absolute http://Jennova-Absolute.deviantart.com/journal/26910251/ http://Jennova-Absolute.deviantart.com/journal/26910251/ Sun, 30 Aug 2009 07:36:36 PDT
Anger doesn't become me, it never really has. And the actual genuine reasons to be angry, are always so small and in between for me,

went to my first keg party last night. Did 2 kegstands, got dropped dammit the 2nd time! Guess thats my bad for trusting drunk guys to carry me though! My wrist is sore today from trying to catch myself, everyone was freaking out because i guess i hit the ground really hard. I got up, laughed it off, snuck off in the bushes and puked my guts out because chugging disgusting apricot beer, then getting dropped on your head does not do great things for your stomach and such.

I found a friend last night, and i think that maybe she likes me about as much as I like her, but was nervous to say because making new friends is really hard dammit!
(hahaha this sounds like a crush on a guy) But she mentioned that she isn't telling anyone else about roomate offer because she really wants me to move in with her. I'm beyond flattered. Someone not crazy, someone i trust and can have a good time with, someone that i honestly don't have to worry about destroying our relationship because i really think we have a good chance to be good roomies.

I really want this to work. I dont' want to be driving to school everyday, i want to have fun taking free Yoga with Erin and Regan and not working my face off everyday to afford my rent...i wanna travel and live and have the experience that the rest of my school friends are having.

and hopefully i can still afford my traveling..in fact i'm pretty damn sure that i can

]]> ~Jennova-Absolute http://Jennova-Absolute.deviantart.com/journal/26854800/ http://Jennova-Absolute.deviantart.com/journal/26854800/ Thu, 27 Aug 2009 11:13:08 PDT
Firstly, the firstest news thats buzzing my brain as I try on clothes..I think i went down a cup size, from a G to a FF..while that doesnt sound like a big deal, it really is to me^___^ the Tattoo artist in Stony made a comment about how they looked smaller as well..so I know its not just me (before people get all GAH about that, he comically hits on everyone he knows as well as i talked to him about getting a breast reduction awhile ago)

For once in my life i actually have a decent amount of bras..in fact i actually threw one out because it had a hole in it and i still have enough <3 I'll have to start slowly fazing in new sizes if apparently I'm shrinking but HELL I"LL TAKE THAT.


I also quit my job early, on Tuesday instead of on Friday. It was more out of nessecity than I actually wanted to...I needed Thurs and wed to be with Takeru, and Friday just ended up being a bonus. Oh well, It will all work out


God i hope no one comes home right now, i'm wearing my black high heels (making myself learn to walk in heels), my waist corset underneath my slightly to small Hairspray t-shirt and my old grey panties


Airports give me such mixed feelings.

I love the happiness they bring, but they also bring a kind of sadness as well..your either off to start a great adventure, or one is coming to a close y'know? I don't travel for buisness or anything like that so they don't have that wearing feeling on me, and I'm going to cherish that...if I can keep airports as a place of fun and mystery and adventure, then I'll be a happier person.

My friend from Japan left today..I'm sad, but a bit relieved to get back to my life...I fell way behind schedule..

My diet went to shit, and somehow eating pizza and hot wings i lost 3 pounds.

whatever, I'm just going to ride with that and call it a magical lucky day.

Been thinking a lot about friends and masks and reality and all that jazz but i'm not nearly angsty enough to write it all down.

Boys are being boys I suppose. I have a date next week that I want to go on because i get to watch a vampire show (True Blood) and the guy is nice, but i don't really have any interest in (;; Its weird...he's completly what i told myself i was looking for, but no spark. Ah whatever, if there is no feeling with it, I don't care if your Orlando Bloom or Jesus or whatever.


I'm still feeling a little stung over the sudden bitchy behavior of a friend, even though the weird negative energy that was around her disappeared.

I got a bigass ticket at a checkstop because my insurance card was expired, because my insurance company never bothered to send me a new version, and idiot that i am, never really checked. I worked out all the payment options and i've been paying for my insurance so they got a kind of nasty call from me. Reguardless now i have a $175 ticket that ican't pay, and that i'm fighting to get withdrawn because its a bullshit ticket..i have a pretty good chance of getting it ripped up, its just the headache of having to do it.


I need to go back to school shopping BADLY but I have to dip into my travel fund to do it...Grawr.

Ugh speaking of that i should hike my ass down to the flowerstore to see if i can use their fax machine to send my information over.


I can make things go my way, with reason and justice on my side. This is about 2 different situations.

]]> ~Jennova-Absolute http://Jennova-Absolute.deviantart.com/journal/26595598/ http://Jennova-Absolute.deviantart.com/journal/26595598/ Mon, 17 Aug 2009 20:28:59 PDT

The Best "Vengence" comes from holding your head, wakling with respect and kindness but not bending over

Fuck acting with honor makes you feel both cool and badass


Been listening to She-wolf by Shakira..loving it actually. I'm very much in the mood to play a game... But sadly confused with some twisted desire to find some kind of love/acceptance so thats a bad idea. I hate my period, makes me want to find someone to hug me.

And for this She-wolf, thats pretty damn pathetic^_~ I've got goals to meet, people to astound, a damn University to show what a girl like me is made out of.


SOS she's in disguise
SOS she's in disguise
There's a she wolf in disguise
Coming out
Coming out
Coming out

A domesticated girl that's all you ask of me
Darling it is no joke, this is lycanthropy
The moon's awake now with eyes wide open
My body is craving, so feed the hungry

I've been devoting myself to you Monday to Monday and Friday to Friday
Not getting enough retribution or decent incentives to keep me at it
I'm starting to feel just a little abused like a coffee machine in an office
So I'm gonna go somewhere closer to get me a lover and tell you all about it

There's a she wolf in the closet
Open up and set her free
There's a she wolf in your closet
Let it out so it can breathe

Sitting across a bar staring right at her prey
It's going well so far, she's gonna get her way
Nocturnal creatures are not so prudent
The moon's my teacher, and I'm her student

To locate the single man, I've got on me a special radar
And the fire department hotline in case I get in trouble later
Not looking for cute little divas or rich city guys, I just want to enjoy
By having a very good time and behave very bad in the arms of a boy

There's a she wolf in the closet
Open up and set her free
There's a she wolf in your closet
Let it out so it can breathe


There's a she wolf in your closet

Let it out so it can breathe

]]> ~Jennova-Absolute http://Jennova-Absolute.deviantart.com/journal/26492104/ http://Jennova-Absolute.deviantart.com/journal/26492104/ Sun, 09 Aug 2009 20:20:40 PDT

Had some interesting adventures with my family but it was a big lesson in how i still haev a few body insecurities...but fuck I mean with relatives like my sister and my cousins that are all naturally a size 0, it fucks with you ego. You really start wondering why you got the fuck up fat gene. Its not even so much that as I have a bigger frame than all of them and tower a good 3-8 inches overtop of everyone. even if i lost a zillion pounds I'm still going to look like a goliath next to them.


Sigh/


Started the Abs Diet today, I'll let you guys know how it goes..I'm shooting to try and lose around 15 pounds, which is apparently all I should be trying to lose because of my body fat ratio blah blah. I'd like to be around 135 but if I don't lose a pound and just lose all my flab I'll deal with it haha. I've flipped around with this before, but i've never committed to the entire program. \

The only problem with this diet is its very focused on protein which makes sense, but it doesn't mesh well with my not eating meat goals...I'm doing the best I can with Dairy, Beans, and whole grains.

Its a 6 week Program, Heres to hoping it works! Its designed to work on building muscles..which I need drastically in my abdominal area.


I am not interested in going to work tomarrow thats for sure.

Gah.

The only problem with the abs diet is trying to do dinners well, because thats the meal i tend to fuck up on..i'm going to try eating different things than the rest of my family which is going to make my mom pissed off. I'm going to try and cook some of the dishes though for the rest of my family which i think should go over well because everything looks pretty delicious (to me anyways

I got a great tan whilst on Vacation, hope it lasts

(yes its a natural tan Jo...no fake n bake for Ko^_^

]]> ~Jennova-Absolute http://Jennova-Absolute.deviantart.com/journal/26011064/ http://Jennova-Absolute.deviantart.com/journal/26011064/ Fri, 17 Jul 2009 17:04:25 PDT

If you were any good at "joking" we'd both be laughing

]]> ~Jennova-Absolute http://Jennova-Absolute.deviantart.com/journal/25721707/ http://Jennova-Absolute.deviantart.com/journal/25721707/ Fri, 03 Jul 2009 18:40:29 PDT









Thursday night, everything’s fine, except you’ve got that look in your eye
when i’m tellin’ a story and you find it boring,
you’re thinking of something to say.
You’ll go along with it then drop it and humiliate me infront of our friends.

Then i’ll use that voice that you find annoyin’ and say something like
“yeah, intelligant imput, darlin’, why don’t you just have another beer then?”

Then you’ll call me a bitch
and everyone we’re with will be embarrased,
and i wont give a shit.

My finger tips are holding onto the cracks in our foundation,
and i know that i should let go,
but i can’t.
And everytime we fight i know it’s not right,
everytime that you’re upset and i smile.
i know i should forget, but i can’t.

You said I must eat so many lemons
’cause i am so bitter.
I said
“i’d rather be with your friends mate ’cause they are much fitter.”

Yes, it was childish and you got agressive,
and i must admit that i was a bit scared,
but it gives me thrills to wind you up.

My finger tips are holding onto the cracks in our foundation,
and i know that i should let go,
but i can’t.
And everytime we fight i know it’s not right,
everytime that you’re upset and i smile.
i know i should forget, but i can’t.

Your face is pasty ’cause you’ve gone and got so wasted, what a suprise.
Don’t want to look at your face ’cause it’s makin’ me sick.
You’ve gone and got sick on my trainers,
I only got these yesterday.
Oh, my gosh, i cannot be bothered with this.

Well, i’ll leave you there ’til the mornin’,
and i purposly wont turn the heating on
and dear God, i hope i’m not stuck with this one.

My finger tips are holding onto the cracks in our foundation,
and i know that i should let go,
but i can’t.
And everytime we fight i know it’s not right,
everytime that you’re upset and i smile.
i know i should forget, but i can’t.

And everytime we fight i know it’s not right,
everytime that you’re upset and i smile.
i know i should forget, but i can’t.

]]> ~Jennova-Absolute http://Jennova-Absolute.deviantart.com/journal/25613245/ http://Jennova-Absolute.deviantart.com/journal/25613245/ Sun, 28 Jun 2009 18:13:49 PDT

I am ready to go back to school, meet new friends and relax into a new life that is waiting for me...I'm excited and nervous to get out there and finally put my foot forward in a fresh inspired kind of way.


Vacation to BC coming up at the end of July!!


After that, a friend from japan might come and visit...hopefully. we havn't made any cement plans.


I need to budget a bit better, I have a different strategy this time so I don't end up pinching that extra hundred bucks.


Can't remember what I did with my sweatpants for work tomarrow..alas..

my swearing is getting better^_^ I am a sponge, i tend to talk like the people around me do, and since the dirty mouth friends are headnig in other diretions, my language is cleaning up.

won a very important battle at school..I can continue with Japanese, but if fuck up once more I'm finished. Its okay though..now that i've had to fight for it, I appreciate it.

I want school to be that great inspirational amazing place that it used to be for me..not a depressing trapped cage that it was for the last 1 1/2 years.


Heading off on a girls only weekend trip to Jasper on the 11th! Can;'t wait...

Need to plan a whyte ave bar night as well as a few other get to gethers here soon.


Having fun, living in my element.

]]> ~Jennova-Absolute http://Jennova-Absolute.deviantart.com/journal/25451597/ http://Jennova-Absolute.deviantart.com/journal/25451597/ Sun, 21 Jun 2009 11:16:21 PDT

Fucking Hate this.

]]> ~Jennova-Absolute http://Jennova-Absolute.deviantart.com/journal/25331579/ http://Jennova-Absolute.deviantart.com/journal/25331579/ Mon, 15 Jun 2009 14:53:26 PDT


Am I supposed to put my life on hold
Because you dont know how to act
and you dont know where your life is going
Am I supposed to be torn apart,
broken hearted, in a corner crying bout it, pardon me,
if i dont show it

I dont care, if i never see you again, ill be alright.
take this final piece of advice, and get yourself together,
but either way, baby im gone.

im so over it, ive been there and back.
changed all my numbers, and just in case youre wondering,
i got that new "im a single girl swag", got me with my girls and we're singing it...sing!
Na Na Na Na, Na Na Na Na, Hey Hey Hey, Goodbye (2x)

Cut my hair cause it reminded me of you,
i know you like the long 'do, had to switch my attitude up.
thinking of changing up how i ride, no more on the passengers side,
too bad you miss out on the way that I drive it

i dont care, if i never see you again, ill be alright.
take this final piece of advice, and get yourself together,
but either way, baby im goneeee oohh.

im so over it, ive been there and back.
changed all my numbers, and just in case you're wondering,
i got that new "im a single girl swag", got me with my girls and we're singing it...sing!
Na Na Na Na, Na Na Na Na, Hey Hey Hey, Goodbye
He He Heyyyy, He He Heyyy, He He Heyyy, Goodbyee.

im so over it, ive been there and back.
changed all my numbers, and just in case you're wondering,
i got that new "im a single girl swag", i got me with my girls and we're singing it..sing!
Na Na Na Na (hey), Na Na Na Na (hey), Hey Hey Hey, Goodbye

]]> ~Jennova-Absolute http://Jennova-Absolute.deviantart.com/journal/25224749/ http://Jennova-Absolute.deviantart.com/journal/25224749/ Tue, 09 Jun 2009 20:11:15 PDT

Letting life drift lazily past. I know i should be doing a little *more* but I am content just working out, then relaxing, then watching copious amounts of CSI.

I should be practicing my Japanese more but I'll get on it next weekish. I have Graduation parties for 2 of my best friends this week, Erin and Hilary. Its nice to see that they finally won the battle with the U, but it makes me a little lonely to know i'm going to be there essentially all alone next year, what with Karley leaving for GMAC and whatnot.

Just biding time for Thailand, trying to save lots of munnies, but still be healthy ith my enjoyment. Planning a super awesome trip to Japan afterwards assuming that everything works out. Ideally, I"ll be gone for about 3 months abroad next month, Thailand, Laos and Japan. Just have to finish this DAMNN DEGREE!

Lots of Graduation Yayness going on, makes me wish i was finished too..especially now because I'm going to be majoring in something totally different. Fuck you University...btw


This Jealous feeling in strange and foreign in my gut I relinquished control I guess and now i want it back


Sick of the preppy bitches I'm working with...I need some time with my real goddamn friends, no more of this The Hills crap I'm forced to listen to at lunch. I"ve never seen this show but it sounds ilke the biggest pile of bullshit I've Ever heard of. *wrist slits*











do-op, do-op even though we shouldn't. summer girl your right for me)
Well if your feelin' me
Lets make a memory
My heart is melting cause your hot Like the summer here
And that is all we got
And theres no time to stop
We think about this: should we or should we not
And I know that you got a man
But I'm here so put me in your plan
I'll be what you need tonight,
And I'm never gonna see you again

I wanna (do-op, do-op)
Lets make it happen, shorty (do-op, do-op)
It's got to be now (do-op, do-op)
Even though we shouldn't
Summer girl, you're right for me

No need to take it slow because soon I gotta go
Wanna get your number and I'm feeling you, really though
You know my game is tight, and now the time is right
Gotta take advantage of the one summer night

And I know that you got a man
But I'm here so put me in your plan
I'll be what you need tonight,
And I'm never gonna see you again

(do-op, do-op)
Lets make it happen, shorty (do-op, do-op)
It's gotta be now (do-op, do-op)
Even though we shouldn't
Summer girl, you're right for me

Sing it again now

(do-op, do-op)
Lets make it happen, shorty (do-op, do-op)
It's got to be now (do-op, do-op)
Even though we shouldn't
Summer girl, you're right for me

So before we say so long, before we end tonight
Girl it can't be wrong, if it feels so right
So I'll be me, shorty, you be you
We gotta make it right (oh oh

Let me see you move
Come on now, show me just how you do
Come on baby, shake it shake it shake it for me
Nobody else around, its just you and me

Let me see you move
Come on now, show me just how you do
Come on baby, shake it shake it shake it for me
Nobody else around, its just you and me

I wrote a melody all about a girl like a summer breeze
I'll never see her again

Sing it again now

(do-op, do-op)
Lets make it happen, shorty (do-op, do-op)
It's got to be now (do-op, do-op)
Even though we shouldn't
Summer girl, you're right for me

Sing it again now

(do-op, do-op)
Lets make it happen, shorty (do-op, do-op)
It's got to be now (do-op, do-op)
Even though we shouldn't
Summer girl, you're right for me


I wrote a melody all about a girl like a summer breeze
I'll never see her again

]]> ~Jennova-Absolute http://Jennova-Absolute.deviantart.com/journal/24915376/ http://Jennova-Absolute.deviantart.com/journal/24915376/ Sat, 23 May 2009 22:06:14 PDT

I just keep finding it hard to switch, and I feel like people are seeing through me despite my best intentions. That i'm on my way out with a specific group. I'm catching weird flickers of emotion from people and its messing me up.

I just want you to know, not that you'll read this but your my friend and I love you so much and I would never do anything to hurt you. I would never take anything that is yours for my own because it would hurt you. Your one of the only things that keeps me sane sometimes.


I've also been very desperate for company lately...but when I get it, its like I don't know why I was so desperate for compnay..nothing with anyone I'm hanging out with, but its like my personality feels flat, deflated or something. I guess with as many tragedies and negative energy that I"ve experienced in the last few months, maybe I'm just really mother fucking tired. And maybe I'm not on the wya out, I'm just tripping myself out again.


That happens quite a bit.,

]]> ~Jennova-Absolute http://Jennova-Absolute.deviantart.com/journal/24863102/ http://Jennova-Absolute.deviantart.com/journal/24863102/ Wed, 20 May 2009 19:18:53 PDT


Love yourself, be strong. Don't shove people down and act like your the next jesus because your afraid of the silence when your alone.


*growls*


But other than that, im doing okay. I feel really bad for my mom, we've gone through so many deaths this year, especilly hitting her. This week, another 2.

I had my Uncle in December, another uncle in Feb. A Cousin in March, my Grandpa in May, and now her close teacher friend, and another close teachers friends dad. She's getting really torn up and I dont' blame her..its hard to get sucked into that depressing atmosphere

]]> ~Jennova-Absolute http://Jennova-Absolute.deviantart.com/journal/24813792/ http://Jennova-Absolute.deviantart.com/journal/24813792/ Sun, 17 May 2009 21:59:03 PDT
Our Love is like a song, you can't forget it



Wanted to take my old journal down.


Wanderlust almost took me too far out of line this time, I need to moderate my time, no more staying home and doing nothing for longer than a day. Cuz it almost makes Courtney do dumb things she would regret.


I wanna feel a rush so bad....




Did you forget
That I was even alive
Did you forget
Everything we ever had
Did you forget
Did you forget
About me

Did you regret
Ever standing by my side
Did you forget
What we were feeling inside
Now I'm left to forget
About us

But somewhere we went wrong
We were once so strong
Our love is like a song
You can't forget it

So now I guess
This is where we have to stand
Did you regret
Ever holding my hand
Never again
Please don't forget
Don't forget

We had it all
We were just about to fall
Even more in love
Than we were before
I won't forget
I won't forget
About us

But somewhere we went wrong
We were once so strong
Our love is like a song
You can't forget it

Somewhere we went wrong
We were once so strong
Our love is like a song
You can't forget it
At all

And at last
All the pictures have been burned
And all the past
Is just a lesson that we've learned
I won't forget
I won't forget us

But somewhere we went wrong
Our love is like a song
But you won't sing along
You've forgotten
About us


]]> ~Jennova-Absolute http://Jennova-Absolute.deviantart.com/journal/24657990/ http://Jennova-Absolute.deviantart.com/journal/24657990/ Fri, 08 May 2009 19:47:09 PDT


There was so much family bullshit going on around him, I hate that my family was fighting around him as he was on his deathbed. I know that people tried to restrain themselves as much as they could but there were a few inexcusable actions that occured.


My Main pissoff is that when they told us he had taken a turn for the worse, My Grandma went into his room and packed up all his stuff and sent the husband of the evil Wench to the Funeral Home to pick up mother fucking brochures.


That made me really mad.

My Grandpa basically lost the will to live, and refused to eat. That was what weakened him, and I'm not sure that with his disease (he had parkinsons) he was afraid to swallow. All he wanted was to go back to his home and they kept him there in that nasty old home. They moved him into the "death room" where they put you in isolation when your about to die.



I am glad though, that now he is free of pain, and free of having our family fight above him, over him. Because all he wanted was to go home, go out and be normal again and now he finally is.


Its hard not to believe in God when you sit at the edge of someones deathbed praying with a pastor.

Not to say i'm a born again Christian...but that energy is definetly the right kind of energy. The act of people united in SPirituality.

To My Grandpa...you were the only Grandpa I ever really knew..and the best. I'll miss you and your laid back happy attitude. I'm gonna miss sharing desserts with you, because we both had a crazy sweet tooth. i'm gonna miss you and how we used to play cards together and even though I'd cheat like crazy, you'd always win. I'm gonna miss seeing you play pool downstairs, playing with our pets, and sleeping in lawn chairs on the beach. You sitting around and drinking Rum and cokes and your big thick glasses that I used to kiss to smear them, just to bug you. How you always worried about me travelling, that you were always looking out for me. How you used to ask me for a kiss on the cheek all the time, especially near the end. That funny look you would give me when Grandma said something kinda weird, where you'd raise your eyebrow and go "Hmph?"

I'm sorry you'll never get to see any great grandkids from me or my sister...that you'll never get to come to my wedding, or my College Graduation...stuff that I always assumed you would see. but you'll be in my heart for all of it..


To My Grandpa...You are loved and will be missed.

]]> ~Jennova-Absolute http://Jennova-Absolute.deviantart.com/journal/24608511/ http://Jennova-Absolute.deviantart.com/journal/24608511/ Tue, 05 May 2009 19:48:40 PDT Look inside, look inside your tiny mind
Then look a bit harder
'Cause we're so uninspired, so sick and tired
Of all the hatred you harbor

So you say it's not okay to be gay
Well, I think you're just evil
You're just some racist who can't tie my laces
Your point of view is medieval

Fuck you, fuck you very, very much
'Cause we hate what you do
And we hate your whole crew
So please don't stay in touch

Fuck you, fuck you very, very much
'Cause your words don't translate
And it's getting quite late
So please don't stay in touch

Do you get, do you get a little kick
Out of being small minded?
You want to be like your father
It's approval you're after
Well, that's not how you find it

Do you, do you really enjoy
Living a life that's so hateful?
'Cause there's a hole where your soul should be
You're losing control a bit
And it's really distasteful

Fuck you, fuck you very, very much
'Cause we hate what you do
And we hate your whole crew
So please don't stay in touch

Fuck you, fuck you very, very much
'Cause your words don't translate
And it's getting quite late
So please don't stay in touch

Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you
Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you
Fuck you

You say you think we need to go to war
Well, you're already in one
'Cause it's people like you that need to get slew
No one wants your opinion

Fuck you, fuck you very, very much
'Cause we hate what you do
And we hate your whole crew
So please don't stay in touch

Fuck you, fuck you very, very much
'Cause your words don't translate
And it's getting quite late
So please don't stay in touch

Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you
Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you



]]> ~Jennova-Absolute http://Jennova-Absolute.deviantart.com/journal/24587104/ http://Jennova-Absolute.deviantart.com/journal/24587104/ Mon, 04 May 2009 16:01:32 PDT



Hmm i'm feeling like a muscly fit healthy bitch thats for sure.

My shoulders are going to be super sore tomarrow, but I'll be feeling great. I got up actually in time for work, (5am), walked. Walked/Ran around town picking up garbage all day, then walked home. Worked out on my abs for a little bit and now i'm sittin here feeling muscly.


I am with Dana on the fact that I am overpartied. Which is ironic because I didn't not paryt half as much as Dana did^_^ One day kinda put me out...my body feels gross and dirty after I drink a lot, especially stuff loaded with Sugar.

I did have a blast on Saturday wandering around in the late hours of the night walking through drivethrus and climbing up brick walls haha.

I had a mini GRWARSHHHRAHER GAH fit at a guy that I knew. And some guys who seem to have his fucking problem.

If you don't want to be friends, FINE. I had the courtesy to tell you I wasn't looking for a realationship instaed of stringing you along. Now have the same to me and tell me that if you can't be just friends, WE WON"T BE. It Fucking pisses me off when you agree to go behind my back and try and get something more anyways.


Cuz it just makes Ko an angry girl, and its not going to work anyways.

<3

But I had a good convo with a friend about trying harder to be a bitch and getting a tazer so that made me feel better^__^

On Happier notes, going to Papa Roach concert tomarrow.

I'm not really looking forward to it actually^_^;;; Just seems like a lot of BLAH for a bunch of bands that I'm only semi into.

Wish I could sell my ticket i could use the money.

Oh Well, Maybe I'll meet someone fun.


And Jo and Co. Dont' worry about Calgary..its all good^_^ You guys were my first choice to go with, but I have some other friends I Can wrangle a ride with so you didn't put me out of a trip.




He left no time to regret
Kept his dick wet
With his same old safe bet
Me and my head high
And my tears dry
Get on without my guy
You went back to what you knew
So far removed from all that we went through
And I tread a troubled track
My odds are stacked
I'll go back to black

We only said good-bye with words
I died a hundred times
You go back to her
And I go back to.....

I go back to us

I love you much
It's not enough
You love blow and I love puff
And life is like a pipe
And I'm a tiny penny rolling up the walls inside

We only said goodbye with words
I died a hundred times
You go back to her
And I go back to

Black, black, black, black, black, black, black,
I go back to
I go back to

We only said good-bye with words
I died a hundred times
You go back to her
And I go back to

We only said good-bye with words
I died a hundred times
You go back to her
And I go back to black

]]> ~Jennova-Absolute http://Jennova-Absolute.deviantart.com/journal/24447508/ http://Jennova-Absolute.deviantart.com/journal/24447508/ Sun, 26 Apr 2009 14:28:01 PDT

I woke up, went to work. Thought about it, talked about it.


Acted on Impulse, and I still don't regret it (for once!!)


I walked into the Almanac and quit my job.


<3

]]> ~Jennova-Absolute http://Jennova-Absolute.deviantart.com/journal/24386240/ http://Jennova-Absolute.deviantart.com/journal/24386240/ Wed, 22 Apr 2009 22:13:42 PDT
If you wanna ride, just name your price don't play cheap, with your heart
Don't make a bet if you can't write the check, for me, for me.
Cuz I can be bought, but you'll pay the cost
If you can afford me


(not as money for sex as that sounds)


I freaked out big time on Tuesday and Wednesday


Men= Stupid


i feel like i got hit by a truck when this stuff happens. Like I just have 0 Energy to deal with it.

Freaked Out, stressed and cried


Then I realized with a jolt

It doesn't really matter if I have the energy. Its Okay that I don't.



If you want me, I'm not a piece of ass, a one night stand, a storage ship
I think you better walk by, tonight
Oh, no.
If you want me, then stop begging I don't put out for charity
If you want me there's no discount price tonight
But I don't need your dollar bills I just want something real
Cuz, nothing's free, except a lovin' me



I am so goddamn sick and I can't find my night time meds, just my daytime meds.


I can't afford to crash (literally) I canna afford a day off.


Ugh, okay I feel a bit better now that I've raged my brains out for a few minutes.


There is a certain someone out there

Who Can really deliver a good shot to my kidneys


But I did get another reassurance from another person that YES, it is OKAY to say NO. I am getting better at Sugarcoating the No. But sometimes, I CAN BE A BITCH. AND I CAN JUST SAY NO WITHOUT THINKING OF PRETTY WAYS TO SAY IT


NO NO NO NO NO NO NO

]]> ~Jennova-Absolute http://Jennova-Absolute.deviantart.com/journal/24334407/ http://Jennova-Absolute.deviantart.com/journal/24334407/ Sun, 19 Apr 2009 21:27:56 PDT
Oh, sweetheart, put the bottle down
You've got too much talent
I see you through those bloodshot eyes
There's a cure, you've found it
Slow motion, sparks, you've caught that chill
Now don't deny it
But boys will be boys, oh, yes, they will
They don't wanna define it
Just give up the game and get into me
If you're looking for thrills then get cold feet

Oh, no, I do not hook up, up, I go slow
So if you want me, I don't come cheap
Keep your hand in my hand, your heart on your sleeve
Oh, no, I do not hook up, up, I fall deep
'Cause the more that you try the harder I'll fight
To say goodnight

I can't cook, no, but I can clean
Up the mess she left
Lay your head down and feel the beat
As I kiss your forehead
This may not last but this is now
So love the one you're with
You wanna chase but you're chasin' your tail
A quick fix won't ever get you well


Oh, no, I do not hook up, up, I go slow
So if you want me, I don't come cheap
Keep your hand in my hand, your heart on your sleeve
Oh, no, I do not hook up, up, I fall deep
'Cause the more that you try the harder I'll fight
To say...


'Cause I feel
The distance
Between us
Could be over
With the snap of your finger, Oh, no!

]]> ~Jennova-Absolute http://Jennova-Absolute.deviantart.com/journal/24308556/ http://Jennova-Absolute.deviantart.com/journal/24308556/ Sat, 18 Apr 2009 13:27:03 PDT Should I stay or should I go?
If you say that you are mine
Ill be here til the end of time
So you got to let know
Should I stay or should I



I would like an answer.

I would kinda like to stop being treated like shit for no apparent reason

I would kinda like you to lighten up a bit

I would like for my manager to not be a harpy, then act like my bestest bud


I do Not need your answer

I do not need to take your shit

I can move on without you

I don't need her harpylicious approval



I am pretty damn tough

I am pretty damn cute

I can sing pretty damn well

I can survive in a field where no one else takes me seriously, and I don't give a damn


I don't have to talk myself down, there are enough people who will do that for me, and I need to not listen to them


I wanna be tough <3







Well a type of guy I never thought I could get asked me out last night. Hahaha not going because I realized how "those" types of guys are, lmao but its kinda flattering nonetheless


Also got asked out by a friend of a friend, hope that doesn't explode in my face.


I kinda want guys to go away right now, but just wait until I actually want one they'll all be scarce


LOLALICIOUS

]]> ~Jennova-Absolute http://Jennova-Absolute.deviantart.com/journal/24221281/ http://Jennova-Absolute.deviantart.com/journal/24221281/ Mon, 13 Apr 2009 13:53:01 PDT


I feel kinda like I'm slipping again.

I want something that would leave a bad taste in my mouth, and would probably just be mean to me but despite knowing this I kind of want it still anyways.

I dont' think this will come with time, I need an answer. One to set me free, one to kick me in the balls as I still continue fighting on. This answer is going to free me from the middle ground.

That'll be relaxing I suppose. Hopefully I wouldn't just explode with joy, and that other damn emotion that screws me over with this situation everytime. That'd screw me over. Hopefully the realization, the strength of what the reality is keeps me grounded.

I"m so mean cuz I cannot get you out of your head
I'm so Angry Because you'd rather MySpace Instaed


Ugh I should blow dry my hair or it'll go all flat for tomarrow
Somenhow I don't really care.


I feel like I should get up and move more than anything but for some reason my brain just isn't taking that thought.

Where has the day gone?

]]> ~Jennova-Absolute http://Jennova-Absolute.deviantart.com/journal/24180649/ http://Jennova-Absolute.deviantart.com/journal/24180649/ Sat, 11 Apr 2009 10:48:52 PDT
It made my life when someone told me that I look like her



Family bullshit is kinda driving me crazy. I realize how that Yes I can Pull myself away from it. But some people can't..for some people its their entire life. They spent an entire lifetime building up a family unit, to have it start to crumble. When the picture becomes reality, its not so pretty.

And I don't know how to explain to people to get out. Or to at least make themselves a separate entity of that picture. SOmeone who visits it, and cherishes it, but still functions as their own piece of artwork when their not in the picture.






I hope you hang yourself with your H&M scarf
While jacking off listening to Mozart
You bitch and moan about LA
Wishing you were in the rain reading Hemingway
You don’t eat meat
And drive electrical cars
You’re so indie rock it’s almost an art
You need SPF 45 just to stay alive

You’re so gay and you don’t even like boys
No you don’t even like
No you don’t even like
No you don’t even like boys
You’re so gay and you don’t even like boys
No you don’t even like
No you don’t even like
No you don’t even like…

You’re so sad maybe you should buy a happy meal
You’re so skinny you should really Super Size the deal
Secretly you’re so amused
That nobody understands you
I’m so mean cause I cannot get you outta your head
I’m so angry cause you’d rather MySpace instead
I can’t believe I fell in love with someone that wears more makeup than…

You’re so gay and you don’t even like boys
No you don’t even like
No you don’t even like
No you don’t even like boys
You’re so gay and you don’t even like boys
No you don’t even like
No you don’t even like
No you don’t even like…

You walk around like you’re oh so debonair
You pull ‘em down and there’s really nothing there
I wish you would just be real with me

You’re so gay and you don’t even like boys
No you don’t even like
No you don’t even like
No you don’t even like boys
You’re so gay and you don’t even like boys
No you don’t even like
No you don’t even like
Oh no no no no no no no
You’re so gay and you don’t even like boys
No you don’t even like
No you don’t even like
No you don’t even like boys
You’re so gay and you don’t even like boys
No you don’t even like
No you don’t even like
No you don’t even like… PENIS




]]> ~Jennova-Absolute http://Jennova-Absolute.deviantart.com/journal/24021926/ http://Jennova-Absolute.deviantart.com/journal/24021926/ Thu, 02 Apr 2009 11:34:19 PDT

Its my cousins funeral today, if you guys didn't hear, my cousin was one of the guys killed in McBride last week. This is going to be quite an interesting ordeal...This funeral is going to be gianormous. Which hopefully I can sneak into the background, make my appearance and leave. I hate getting hugged, and I hate people telling me how sorry they are. I'm not the one who deserves your sympathy.

But then again, people comfort others as a way of comforting themselves, so who knows.

I can't help but feel like a giant fake at these things.


My Uncles funeral was the week before, and that one was filled with more bullshit than I thought was humanly possible at a funeral. now my Cousins is this week. My Other Uncle died Dec 31.

I don't really think my family can take anymore people dying right now. Even if I'm not dramatically affected by these deaths, the atmosphere alone tends to knock me over. I'm like the big emotional sponge, I guess.



Got accused of jacking 300.00 from work. Stood up, fought for myself. Totally got undermined by my partner, who thought he was helping me by paying off the debt himself. It was neither of our debt to pay because the mistake WAS NOT OURS. I don't know if I"m going to quit or not. I can't trust the establishment anymore, obviously epecially now because they think they can kick us around.


I did actually get the right amount of mad for once though. And I said what I wanted and what I believed and didn't try and passive agressive my way otu of it. Gold Star for Courtney.

(this was at the Almanac)


I'm leaving the decision sit for a few days to determine how I feel about the situation.


I can't find my amythst ring. Dammit. Thats my favorite one.

Song of the moment


So many times I was alone I couldn't sleep
You left me drowning in the tears of memory
And ever since you've gone, I found it hard to breathe
Cause there was so much that your heart just couldn't see
A thousand wasted dreams rolling off my eyes
But time's been healing me and I say goodbye

Cause I can breathe again, dream again
I'll be on the road again
Like it used to be the other day
Now I feel free again, so innocent
Cause someone makes me whole again for sure
I'll find another you

Could you imagine someone else is by my side
I've been afraid he couldn't keep myself from falling
My heart was always searching for a place to hide
Could not await the dawn to bring another day
Your not the only one so hear me when I say
The thoughts of you that just fade away

Cause I can breathe again, dream again
I'll be on the road again
Like it used to be the other day
Now I feel free again, so innocent
Cause someone makes me whole again for sure
I'll find another you

Sometimes I see you when I close my eyes
You're still apart of my life

But I can breathe again, dream again
I'll be on the road again
Like it used to be the other day
Now I feel free again, so innocent
Cause someone makes me whole again for sure
I'll find another you
I'll find another you

]]> ~Jennova-Absolute http://Jennova-Absolute.deviantart.com/journal/23857025/ http://Jennova-Absolute.deviantart.com/journal/23857025/ Mon, 23 Mar 2009 20:25:11 PDT Half past twelve
And I'm watching the late show in my flat all alone
How I hate to spend the evening on my own
Autumn winds
Blowing outside my window as I look around the room
And it makes me so depressed to see the gloom
There's not a soul out there
No one to hear my prayer




God I am having a nasty emotional spill.


The day was great, no complaints about that.

I think I did really well with my interview for the sexual assault center. Hopefully I get selected for Training, but even that;s only half the battle, they kick a lot of people out of training. I think I would be a great person for the job and I breathed that thought during that interview. I was confident, I was honest, and I had a good strong handshake dammit!


Sadly I won't find out if I made it or not until July.

Just trying to do a little more hashing out with my schedule and whatnot



Gimme gimme gimme a man after midnight
Won't somebody help me chase the shadows away
Gimme gimme gimme a man after midnight
Take me through the darkness to the break of the day




Seriously Grooving to some ABBA right now.


I'm pretty pissed off at myself for getting so damn upset over something small and ridiculous. But I promised myself I wasn't angsting over him again, so be damned this is all I should say on the matter.



Movie stars
Find the end of the rainbow, with a fortune to win
It's so different from the world I'm living in
Tired of T.V.
I open the window and I gaze into the night
But there's nothing there to see, no one in sight
There's not a soul out there
No one to hear my prayer








Gimme gimme gimme a man after midnight
Won't somebody help me chase the shadows away
Gimme gimme gimme a man after midnight
Take me through the darkness to the break of the day

Gimme gimme gimme a man after midnight...
Gimme gimme gimme a man after midnight...

There's not a soul out there
No one to hear my prayer

Gimme gimme gimme a man after midnight
Won't somebody help me chase the shadows away
Gimme gimme gimme a man after midnight
Take me through the darkness to the break of the day
Gimme gimme gimme a man after midnight
Won't somebody help me chase the shadows away
Gimme gimme gimme a man after midnight
Take me through the darkness to the break of the day

]]> ~Jennova-Absolute http://Jennova-Absolute.deviantart.com/journal/23755541/ http://Jennova-Absolute.deviantart.com/journal/23755541/ Tue, 17 Mar 2009 22:02:17 PDT



1. What is or would be a good nickname for Joleen?

Um...well. Jo. Duh

2. What is One thing Dana isn't exactly made for

The lady who kicks people off of Game Shows. She doesn't have the evilness for it

3. 3. Name something you have in common with Alan?
We both love Panic! At the Disco

4. What's your fondest memory of Sean?
Us sitting at the bar, talking about random shit

5. What would Katlyn not be caught dead in?
Gucchi? I dunno^_^;;

6.6. If Josh played in a movie, what kind of character would they play?

Probably the comedic stoner

7. Super fun fun adventure amusement park marathon with you, Karley and Eileen! How will it go?

Probably pretty well, with me and karley getting drunk and Eileen driving us home haha

8. Do you miss Nadine?

Quite..Oh Nadine <3 We shall have awesome fun this weekend, my weekend friend!

9. Can Eileen be bad influence?

Oh you better believe it..all those sex and drugs she gets me into! Sheesh

10. What would you do if Leah and Karley were going out?

My head would probably Right explode. Like right then

]]> ~Jennova-Absolute http://Jennova-Absolute.deviantart.com/journal/23639391/ http://Jennova-Absolute.deviantart.com/journal/23639391/ Wed, 11 Mar 2009 08:07:20 PDT Sometimes I wanna quit this song and become an accountant now
But I'm no good at math and besides the dollar here's down
Plant palm trees on Lake Michigan before it gets cold
I gotta feel the windchill again before I get old





Hurray for fighting for rights!

I had a bit of a blarg day yesterday, all of the bullshit that i've been dealing with the University kind of compacted together and I was circulating a lot of bad energy yesterday>_<


But Thing are slowly working out..I got an email back from the wrong person to ask, but a person nonetheless who is a new professor there, obviously not infected by the evil university monkeys.


He got back to me in a record 12 hours, and promised to get someone "Look into the issue". Which may not happen I realize, but its at least a step up from the whole damn world ignoring me




I wanna scream, "I love you," from the top of my lungs
But I'm afraid that someone else will hear me

You can only blame your problems on my words for so long
Before it all becomes the same old song
As soon as we hit the hospital I know we're gonna leave this town
And get new passports and get get get get get out now



Had a nice good workout yesterday...despite me having a really bad day and ordering a giant greasy qaesedilla with fries; I woke up feeling super dehydraded, slammed back a lot of water and ate fruit and whole grain toast with honey.

I have nasty but healthy yogurt with probiotic cultures in it for snacks, and will get soup and a bun for lunch <3


All the yes men said "No comment,"
My mouth got going the wrong way
And all the calls started snowing
The time my dad caught me a horseshoe crab
And I asked him if throwing it back into the sea would bring our luck back




IN other right-fighting awesomeness, I had a good talk with my boss about me needing to work less because I was honestly giong to burn out. And they said "Thats a legitimate reason" and took me down from 6 days a week for 4. I'm only supposed to be on 3, but hell its a compromise. And thats good for me^__^ A compromise, a sign that I'm NOT BEING IGNORED



I"m planning a huge St. Patricks Day Bash at the Almanac Lounge, March 14th at 9PM

I"m hoping it will be busy, sadly I think not so much.


my gums are really sore...I'm hoping its just because I changed the head of my electric toothbrush. i'm sure I just have gingivitis or some bullshit


I should have ordered my Bikini way earlier. I"m feeling way more motivated about being healthy, and working out with the thought of it there. Something that I've ordered, spent hard earned munny on. I'm going to put it on a hanger and like tack it on the wall

^_^;;


Weird thing is, I'm actually feeling a lot more full from just adding Yogurt and a lot more fruit!

Even though Yogurt is yucky>_<


I wanna scream, "I love you," from the top of my lungs
But I'm afraid that someone else will hear me

You can only blame your problems on my words for so long
Before it all becomes the same old song
As soon as we hit the hospital I know we're gonna leave this town
And get new passports, get out now

Tell that boy I'll leave you alone now
Like a stove I'll turn my love down
Supra and the prophet are both in the business of souls

I wanna scream, "I love you," from the top of my lungs
But I'm afraid that someone else will hear me
I wanna scream, "I love you," from the top of my lungs
But I'm afraid that someone else will hear me

You can only blame your problems on my world for so long
Before it all becomes the same old song
As soon as we hit the hospital I know we're gonna leave this town
And get new passports and get get get get get out
Get get get get get out now



]]> ~Jennova-Absolute http://Jennova-Absolute.deviantart.com/journal/23609470/ http://Jennova-Absolute.deviantart.com/journal/23609470/ Mon, 09 Mar 2009 13:25:35 PDT
You know whats totally lame...is I like being able to check the numbers, and seeing my account grow kinda before my eyes. Its more personal I guess and Keeps me on my toes being able to monitor it more.


I'm really trying to save money and pay off my Credit Card. I put $500.00 bucks on it last month, and I'll try and put this next Almanac HUGE ASS paycheck on it, which should be about another $500.00. And then be damned, only 500.00 left!

My super problem is my mom is like "You should have so much more money saved!" mostly because she didn't know about how much money I owed; So I guess I'll hit that bridge when I cross it. She keeps really passively demanding rent and I keep randomly avoiding the answer to the questioN; Oh well..I'm just gonna try and do more housework and being around a little bit more to help out


Which is getting kinda difficult...My body has kind of just decided "Hey Courtney, Fuck You, You arent workign long hours anymore"

To which I'm like "Hey..no fair I'm already commited to finishing the next 2 months out"

I dunno..exhaustion is just hitting me hardcore..I try to go, to work out, to get myself to go out and meet with friends..and end up passivly surfing facebook then falling asleep.

And i pulled an extra hard week last week under the circumstance that It would be ONLY THAT WEEK. And despite my written and verbal requests, they've been ignored.

So I'm fighting really hard for Thursday off so I can go out with a friend from out of town. And Fuck you guys you can deal with me working 5 days instead of 6

*sticks out tongue*


The Paycheck coming in at the end of it, does make Courtney feel like a happy panda <3



Lets hope I last one more week..and I'm GOING TO GET MY DAY OFF DAMMIT.


*curls up and snores*

]]> ~Jennova-Absolute http://Jennova-Absolute.deviantart.com/journal/23539890/ http://Jennova-Absolute.deviantart.com/journal/23539890/ Thu, 05 Mar 2009 12:34:57 PST

*snore*

So I got a random impromptu day off from work today because of the shitty weather.

At first I was like YAYAYAYAYAYAY FRIENDS PARTY FUN

Then It kinda hit me that a) I'm fucking exhausted b) have not a lot of money and c) the roads are shitastic.

So I went and got some Sushi for Lunch which was a dumb idea, cost too much money and didn't taste very good. Yuck. and I've been laying arond watching CSI all morning.

Mmmmm Gil Grissom.

I'm pretty tired, I think I'm going to sleep this afternoon until my 2nd Job starts.

MOre and more reports of people not being able to get jobs. I hope I can get a good job for Summertime.


I'm listneing to this really good new version of "Africa"

Its really good with a nice blend of different voices creating a pretty harmony.

I'm getting a little pissed off with the unversity. (hahaha okay big understatement)
Its been 3 weeks with no response. Other than fucking your lab rats, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU PEOPLE DOING.

I gave in and am attempting to contact the Evil Oni of the Department. KamiSame ONegai Shimasu!

I need more money.

But I only owe $1000 left on my credit card!! (paid it down a 1000 since January)

Dustin made a good point the other day..instead of saving, I should just work 100% on my credit card..that ways I"m not wasting any money on interest, etc, etc. I think I'll try and put another big chunk on this morning, but stil ltry and meet my saving goals.

]]> ~Jennova-Absolute http://Jennova-Absolute.deviantart.com/journal/23490320/ http://Jennova-Absolute.deviantart.com/journal/23490320/ Mon, 02 Mar 2009 13:49:12 PST
But i'm having some friends lately, spread across Alberta who really are having shitty time getting jobs. I feel bad for Eileen because she was one of those friends and the only one who is exempt from what I am going to say about those people next. Unfortunatly the whole Not-employment bullshit is hurting a friend who actually is a really good worker, shows up on time, and puts her hours in, etc

I understand that there are people out there who are honestly trying, and who honestly need a job, etc, etc. This is Not about those people.


The other few people are ridiculously frustrated with me. We have no jobs and you have 2. Why you, and not us, its not fair.
The Economic boom did a few great things for Alberta, super boosted the economy, helped us put more money away that we earned in a surplus, got a few things improved (from my understanding)

What it unknowingly did was create a certain type of lazy jackass.

"Who gives a fuck, if they give me attitude, i'll just walk out and get a job a few hours later down the street"

"I don't have to put up with this, why should I have to do ..."


This mentality is fucking ridiculous. From a person who puts a lot of time, effort and loyalty into the place where she works, its an insult. Yeah, I get that there are shitty employers out there. But there are actually quite a few great ones too, as I"m discovering with my new job.

There are times and situations when walking out of jobs is acceptable, but it was getting out of hand. WIth so many buisnesses sprouting but not enough people to work them, of course it was easy to get jobs! But people lost the mentality in those few years that eventually this will come to an end. you will eventually need to build up a background to support getting a good job that isn't going to lay you off.

And now the pickings are slim, and those people, like a few of my friends are having a hellovatime because they walked out of most of their jobs, jumped around, screwing people over left right and center and have no references. And they've got to start at the bottom again, and work their way back up the chain. And somehow, I have a job and they don't.

Its not my fault you don't have a job, dumbass.


My jobs that I have now are a build up of working the same place for 6 years, then branching out through social networking. I have good references, I put in my hours and I've gotten those jobs through Hard. Fucking. Work. I put up with a lot of shit and worked a lot of crappy hours, and finally its paying off for me.


I guess this whole rant really came from one of those friends who still can't BELIEVE that I have 2 sometimes 3 jobs ( i help out at another place on holidays as well as my day/night job). Someone like ME, stupid old ME right? (this is the attitude that I simply cannot stand) Is outdoing the almighty you who made $29/hour.

I may not be making the big bucks, but 12/hour is better than 0.00/hour.



Look if you feel offended by this journal because you feel that you have put in a good hard work, and are out of a job, I repeat this journal is not about you.

//rant

]]> ~Jennova-Absolute http://Jennova-Absolute.deviantart.com/journal/23394797/ http://Jennova-Absolute.deviantart.com/journal/23394797/ Wed, 25 Feb 2009 07:52:24 PST
*switches onto some AFI*

I was begining to scare myself there for a bit with the excessive amounts of pop music I Was listening to. Seriously guys.

But I've shifted back again to where it annoys me with its flatness and I much prefer some people with guitars all soulful like.


Overbooked my weekend again haha oh dear; I just hope I can afford everything.


I'm working really hard on getting my life back on track... making sure my classes and stuff are all set up right for September, that i'm going to be qualified enough to get back into my original schedule, etc etc.

This However reminds me of how much I hate dealing with the University because their the biggest assholes on this side of the galaxy. No one helps out because they all think its someone elses goddamn job.


I do feel a bit more accomplished that I took a bunch of money away and stuck it in an account that I can't touch on a whim. And I saved an extra 304.00 dollars than I had originally planned, while paying off my set aside Credit Card amount that I"m tryin got hack off (200.00 a month).


I'm feeling good, I want all my months to continue like this. I want to prove that I can be a bit more responsible with my finances and I can fucking get my life back on track on my own steam, not anyone elses.


I"ve been working really hard, not taking any days off but with a good schedule so that I can still see everyone and hang out.


In Other News, I realized some interested information when I got weighed at the Doctors office yesterday. I've gained quite a bit in the last few months, and I'm feeling a lot better than I ever have before.

Weird.

Its weight that I'd like to try and slowly chisel off because the only place I'm noticing it is on my chest and heaven knows THOSE DON"T NEED TO GET BIGGER. But I'm not freaking out like I used to. I'm not writing out diet plans and screaming at myself how I can never have soda ever again. I'm just working on being a healthy person, feeling strong and able.


That thought sits kinda well with me.

]]> ~Jennova-Absolute http://Jennova-Absolute.deviantart.com/journal/23319824/ http://Jennova-Absolute.deviantart.com/journal/23319824/ Sat, 21 Feb 2009 08:03:15 PST

I ran the whole damn bar all by myself, it was really fun. I had my nice little obsessive compulsive control circle, yay. I mad like 180+ last night, everyone kept telling me what a great job I was doing, yadda yadda.

Its a nice feeling. Hopefully i got everthing cleaned up as much as a I could, after I lodged a few complaints after the bar being trashed after every weekend.


But then I actually bit the bullet, bEFORE it got awkwardly too bad,before the 'dating' thing could progress. I told someone about how i'm kinda not capable of being in a relationship, explained it all.

And he was like |Yeah okay cool!, Cya tomarrow!'

@____@;;

Ko thought she did a good job being aggressive;-;

Round II i guess.


In my defense, in my first time in having to be aggressive with someone who was into me in 2 years, i wasn't too bad


Ugh.

Got home at 3, have to work at my other job at 10. *head desk*

*head desk**head desk**head desk**head desk**head desk**head desk**head desk**head desk**head desk**head desk**head desk**head desk**head desk**head desk**head desk**head desk**head desk**head desk**head desk**head desk**head desk**head desk**head desk**head desk**head desk**head desk**head desk**head desk**head desk**head desk**head desk**head desk**head desk**head desk**head desk**head desk**head desk**head desk**head desk**head desk*

]]> ~Jennova-Absolute http://Jennova-Absolute.deviantart.com/journal/23234016/ http://Jennova-Absolute.deviantart.com/journal/23234016/ Mon, 16 Feb 2009 11:47:12 PST

I was great, happy and awesome. Got home from hanging out with some friends, had a really nice bath, gave myself a facial and soaked in the tub for awhile.

Then I guess I started missing that guy again and now i'm kinda hitting the ground again.


I'm missing leaving the world behind again.


I'm happy to be out and social again, really I am. Sometimes I miss saying Fuck it all though. I want to live how I preach, I want to work on myself first, not being all dependant-ey on another person. I miss the weird things we used to do, and when i hear about the shit in the world going on, I get scared I'll never find anyone like that who treats me right again.

Fuck PMS. Fuck it hardcore. I never really felt like I used to get affected by it, but now I'm starting to notice a real pattern of getting really easily depressed and drug down by it the last few months.

but then again if I listen to Skinny Bitch this is all a sign of me not being a Vegan hahahaha. Then again, book did make me decided to drop aspartame. And quite possibly work a little harder on my Meat Balance program (I'm trying to eat way less meat and balance out with way more vegetables). I love sushi waaaaaayyyyyyyyy to much to ever Vegetarian it out

]]> ~Jennova-Absolute http://Jennova-Absolute.deviantart.com/journal/23212383/ http://Jennova-Absolute.deviantart.com/journal/23212383/ Sun, 15 Feb 2009 09:11:44 PST

I should go work out I guess, and I should go buy myself smoe new makeup but I'm just feeling kinda blah now.

Had a stupid night at work last night where they called me in and really really didn't need me, so I yelled at them for being retarded and unable to make a schedule, and then left. Yes i still have my job


I then proceeded to sit around and wait for my internet friend to come back, which is creepy I know, but he didn't so I watchde Tv with my dad. I came back down and my internet friend was there, but i got my night nausea too badly so then i had to sleep.

Now i've slept too much and am twitchy with too much physical energy but no mental energy.


Guh.


In other words i'm in love with a band called the Veronicas.


I worked for Brenda for Valentines. She's started this thing, when she talks to me, when she compliments me, she makes me feel like who she envisions her heroines in her novels to be. Strong, adventurous, trying new things just because, and not tied down to a man or stupid enough to have kids. She strokes my ego, and after I work there I feel like I could do anything. And if I can't, Who the fuck cares, I tried.

I'm pulling myself up over the cliff of insecurity and missing him, and I'm on the way up definetly, but sometimes little crocogators nip at my ankles.


I wanted to go and buy some new things to match my new heroine vibe.

I would go alone, but I'm don't have enough eyes to check myself out hahahahaha.



Oh no
Don't go changing
That's what you told me from the start
Thought you were something different
That's when it all just fell apart
Like you're so perfect
And I can't measure up
Well I'm not perfect
Just all messed up

I was losing myself to somebody else
But now I see
I don't wanna pretend
So this is the end of you and me
Cause the girl that you want
She was tearing us apart
Cause she's everything
Everything I'm not

It's not like I need somebody
Telling me where I should go at night
Don't worry you'll find somebody
Someone to tell how to live their life
Cause your so perfect
And no one measures up
Yeah all by yourself
You're all messed up

I was losing myself to somebody else
But now I see
I don't wanna pretend
So this is the end of you and me
Cause the girl that you want
She was tearing us apart
Cause she's everything
Everything I'm not

Now wait a minute
Because of you
I never knew all the things that I had
Hey don't u get it
I'm not going anywhere with you tonight
Cause this is my life

I was losing myself to somebody else
But now I see
I don't wanna pretend
So this is the end of you and me
Cause the girl that you want
She was tearing us apart
Cause she's everything
Everything I'm not

But now I see
I don't wanna pretend
So this is the end of you and me
Cause the girl that you want
she was tearing us apart
Cause she's everything
Everything I'm not



]]> ~Jennova-Absolute http://Jennova-Absolute.deviantart.com/journal/23116857/ http://Jennova-Absolute.deviantart.com/journal/23116857/ Tue, 10 Feb 2009 08:20:11 PST


I'm feeling really good right now. I had my meeting with the guy who organizes the Thailand trips yesterday.

I tried to stay objective, I tried to remain unchanged. I tried to tell myself, "this company might not be the one for you"

But he got me. Hook line and sinker, with words like Underwater caves, Rock Climbing, Buddhist Temples, Tigers, baby monkeys, river tubing, foam bars, places where a bottle of whiskey costs a dollar, caves, parties, new friends, elephant rides, national parks, kayak rides, whale sharks, snorkeling,


I'm vibrating so intense like that I can't stand it.


it is a good thing that I brought my friend Erin along to be my other brain, to ask questions that I was too awe struck about sea turtles to remember to ask. She kept everything on track, and we did decide that this guy is going to get us the best deal, offer the best services.


And now I'm really really motivated. I want to work out a lot now, and for once not just to lose my gut. I want to really work out so I don't get left behind, so I can keep up with the rock climbers and elephant treks and swimming. I'm gonna work more with my massage lady to unfuck my back asap.


I keep looking at pictures, and wanting it so bad.

Plus it looks like I should have no problem getting my group of 8 people

]]> ~Jennova-Absolute