http://search.deviantart.com/?q=by:Kawanua&section=today deviantART RSS for by:Kawanua en-us Copyright 2009, deviantART.com Thu, 03 Dec 2009 21:46:07 PST deviantART.com http://blogs.law.harvard.edu/tech/rss http://s.deviantart.com/minish/widgets/apple-touch-icon-precomposed.png http://Kawanua.deviantart.com/journal/11834189/ http://Kawanua.deviantart.com/journal/11834189/ Thu, 15 Feb 2007 18:48:43 PST
Ah well... I'm just gonna keep on taking steps down roads i've been down before. *shrug* nothing much left to do.

~Chez

]]> ~Kawanua http://Kawanua.deviantart.com/journal/9640357/ http://Kawanua.deviantart.com/journal/9640357/ Tue, 08 Aug 2006 05:32:00 PDT
Update on life... Last week was so-so.. Kinda went a bit down hill midweek.. A friend of mine lost her baby very close to being due.. The baby was starting to turn so it was in the right position to be born but it's umbilical cable was wrapped around its neck and it died. Kind of made me in a quiet mood, just thought about it. The sorrow and pain to have to give birth to your child who lost its life before it even had a chance to begin.. A mothers pain

Tafe.. tafe, well I've kinda dropped out of tafe, they fucked around with me too much... I am just gonna start working for a bit. gather some money so i can put some aside incase i desperately need cash to pay a bill off or something. Also trying to organise myself cause I'm thinking of going to Canada n see a friend, temporarily break some links n take a break for a while, drink.. smoke (if need be), laugh and smile.

Still trying to find myself, all that crap.. Find my spark for writing, try to get my spark for photography and just find that one thing i can go and let it cleanse me and make me smile. I haven't been doing ne photoshop or nething of the sort, so much for 'I'll try and do one everyweek' I seem to do those types of promises at lot LOL empty promises is what they are called i believe... neh oh well..

Nuttin much else to say... Live well, cherish everything you have. And live every minute of your life to the fullest. ]]> ~Kawanua http://Kawanua.deviantart.com/journal/9104587/ http://Kawanua.deviantart.com/journal/9104587/ Sun, 18 Jun 2006 11:01:52 PDT
Welldone australia, you guys did fucking awesome!!!!!! :cheer: ]]> ~Kawanua http://Kawanua.deviantart.com/journal/9044467/ http://Kawanua.deviantart.com/journal/9044467/ Mon, 12 Jun 2006 07:57:14 PDT

GO YOU MIGHTY SOCCEROOS!!!! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

*runs around dancing* ]]> ~Kawanua http://Kawanua.deviantart.com/journal/8848643/ http://Kawanua.deviantart.com/journal/8848643/ Tue, 23 May 2006 05:27:52 PDT .> ) while some other stuff makes me wanna kick a random stranger in their janglies.

I am kinda trying to wipe the rust of my Photoshopping skills/ gain new skills thus the new Deviation. I made another just now while bumming about at Uni... Yeah I'm supposed to be doing work but hey you take 1hr n 20 mins of transport n see if you can be screwed concentrating on your work... So yeah, i made another but cause i aint got my sig that i can stick on I dun wanna put it up yet. So for those who actually watch me... i'll put it up when i get home before i go to work...

i'll try n submit a new one everyweek... Hopefully they wont look the same >.> ]]> ~Kawanua http://Kawanua.deviantart.com/journal/8263573/ http://Kawanua.deviantart.com/journal/8263573/ Sat, 25 Mar 2006 09:45:07 PST
So much issues atm though i've had various peoples opinions on it and conversations about it... What every i'ved done to keep it on the safe side of things and no crush what ever spirit i have has thus far failed... Even on the outside if it seems like its easing up and heading for the better, it in truth is far from it .... Its making me want to just fade... Start afresh... Though as i may have stated in another entry.. Wielding a double edged sword is dangerous play. If i fade it'll still hurt, I go no where to go. No one to just flat out emtpy everything on and know that they will just smile, pat me on the back, and know exactly what to do to get my mind of things and make me smile... What ever connections i had that does somewhat of the job is connected to the very thing thats making me want to just fall into endless slumber...

And as a chain reaction alot of things are intwined (sp) with each other, meaning im unable to get ahead in anything. I dread going to sleep because my mind wanders leaving me with insomnia, I dread waking up because i have to find the courage and strength to get out of bed and once again face the demons which constantly hound me with their quest to break me over and over.... I dread staying at home because i hate solitude, too much makes it bleed the heart dry and drain the spirit whole... I dread going out because i predict correctly so many times that i will eventually just want to leave... and im stuck, also that option no longer creates concern in others... I want to be alone but from all the moments i have endured since the age of 8 has turned my soul and my heart into a unstable yet kind and easily hurt heart. Im too nice, yet i am great to be around... I always care for others.... yet no one actually seems to like hanging around me... I get made fun off because I dont get out much... Going out by yourself is no fun, ringing people and told their busy or tired from something the day before which most cases you were not told about hurts... You cannot go either way with out getting blasted down... I've seen the bottom of the hole, the dark, dank, muddy and painful bottom countless times... Still to this day i've wanted to just quit, like games. Leave like at events, walk off at places that bore me... But i cant, i neither have the power or strength to do it... As much as i want to in the end my heart still has the raw agony of not wanting to hurt others... And i curse myself for that...

Looking at it in a different sight its myself doing this, but looking it at all directions is others along with myself.... And i've used all the "make people start worrying if you are ok" tickets in one go... Now its just me, at home crumbling. And i have no where to go... Soon i can just disappear for a while. Though i have done a crud trail of this on other levels... And no one noticed i pretty much closed contacts in every aspect... No one even notices if i cut my hair from long to short, then to even shorter. So tempted to go bald as an experiment... Highly doubtful they'll notice

Yet as much as I'd like continue i have to cut it short... My idiotic ramblings will continue when i get home and out of this spiritually grueling house. ]]> ~Kawanua http://Kawanua.deviantart.com/journal/8034341/ http://Kawanua.deviantart.com/journal/8034341/ Wed, 01 Mar 2006 17:43:58 PST To you

And I hide all the pain that I've gained with my wisdom
From you

And I'm eaten alive by what I hold inside
All the things that I live with I can't easily hide
And I'm left here with nothing, nothing to live for
But you

It's not easy to hide
All this damage inside
I'll carry it with me
Until I'm not alive

When you look at my face, does it seem just as ugly?
To you?

I can't seem to erase all the scars I have lived with
From you

I'm so sick of this place
This taste in my mouth
Cause of you I can't figure what I'm all about
And I'm left here with nothing, nothing to live for
But you

It's not easy to hide
All this damage inside
I'll carry it with me
'Til I'm not alive

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------


I'm putting all the things i had planned on temp hiatus... My novel 'Gutter', My photo bundles I wanted to do, all the stories of Kawanua, everything. Maybe in Term 1 holidays when i plan to 'disappear' for a while I'll write Gutter. But atm I can't do it. I'm going through a lot of shit atm, while some stuff is being handled reasonably well, other stuff is getting worse. And while stuff thats been burdening me is sitting at a dead point except for a few differences from the last time it was there...

All the stuff put together is affecting me at Tafe and at home... It's not sane dreaming the stuff I have been lately, and it hurting. Though not many people view my deviant, at least those who do will know why i've just disappeared. There is so much shit happening at the moment that if i don't lighten my load I'm going to crack, and most likely in public.

Most people know my email; if not it's Kawanua_poi@hotmail.com

Feel free to email me if you want something.. I'll respond as fast as possible.

Oh the songs called "Excess Baggage" by Staind. ]]> ~Kawanua http://Kawanua.deviantart.com/journal/7542079/ http://Kawanua.deviantart.com/journal/7542079/ Sun, 08 Jan 2006 06:27:47 PST
usually I'm all fantasy, ya know magic, dragons, every damn protagonist in every damn fantasy novel has a deep hidden power waiting to be unleashed yadda yadda. But recently this new genre thats been swirling has been more so, real life. The Present time, in Sydney [cause sydney suits it most. Sorry sydnians but CLEAN UP YOUR DAMN CITY] and about a guy who... well I'm not gonna give you anymore hints except the title

The one word that always bounces up and down like a jack fcking russell is

"Gutter" Yep! thats the title I feel like I'm swaying towards

This is actually getting me really enthusiastic!! (CANT SPELL ARGH!! ) Now for anyone who wants special previews of it all you have to do is buy me one of those tiny cool looking 12" Mac iBooks and I'll tell you some secret stuff bout Gutter.

Ja ne ]]> ~Kawanua http://Kawanua.deviantart.com/journal/7342824/ http://Kawanua.deviantart.com/journal/7342824/ Sun, 18 Dec 2005 06:33:04 PST
I added some funny pictures I took with my camera phone in scrap area. They make ya laugh a bit, brings back funny memories for me though. *sigh* good times.

Oh Yeah, I swear I'll write somet stuff and upload it. If not shall God strike me down *counts fingers* in 2 weeks! ^^ ]]> ~Kawanua http://Kawanua.deviantart.com/journal/7306272/ http://Kawanua.deviantart.com/journal/7306272/ Wed, 14 Dec 2005 03:30:20 PST
Ok, im not a supposedly annoying. Fine... But then i get from the same people that im a great person to be around and we should always keep in touch and shit, and I always put people before me when they are upset and fucked up stuff like that... But when theres gatherings and get togethers, i get nothing.. No calls, no sms's, no emails... I rarely get chats with people its always fucking me strifing to find new things to talk about to keep the convo going...

They are afk, why? they setting something up and calling people.. I dont get a call or invite or anything, why? Cause they thought I might be working... Only way to find that out for fucks sake is to fucking ask the person am I correct? There is no fucking mind reader in this world (least I don't think) And Im supposed to continue going out of my way to find out if anything is happening? Wasting my money on sms's and calls that half the time don't get picked up or replied to? Fuck no I'm sick of wasting my cash and my time.. How the fuck can my personality be so fucking considerate, funny and great to be around yet at the same time be fucking annoying? And then you wonder why I've so many times bloodied up my hands by punching walls, torn apart my room and scraping skin off my face with my nails in a fit of insanity...

I begin to wonder if I'm ever gonna stop being alone and actually find friendships that dont crumble before my very eyes, or find some one who likes me who I truly am and not later on down the road freak and then basically cut me off... I seriously give up... I'm so fucking tired, and the bad thing is? I cant just quit... The rest of my life is ahead of me. It's going at fucking 5km/h and I have no new things to do... Thus one of the reasons my writing spark is dwindling... Reason why half the damn time i never have the energy to write anything, and one of the reasons this damn Deviant was just taking up space rather than having any fucking damn use... It still takes up space, have the damn page views are from myself... And I supposedly have a decent writing flare? Yeah... Righito...

I cannot wait when i can just drive away, some where completely and utterly unpopulated or with people who have never seen me before and just relax and wonder, who will notice im gone, who will give a msg or realise "where did chez go?" But alas that will never happen. Because I never get visits, or calls, or sms's or any other fucking forms of communication... I life 10 mins away from people who i was once great friends with.. Now theres nothing, like my house in their eyes disappeared into thin air.. And then you wonder why some people kill themselves, or go insane...

Some one book me a room in a mental institution, least it will be a change of scenary.

]]> ~Kawanua http://Kawanua.deviantart.com/journal/7253001/ http://Kawanua.deviantart.com/journal/7253001/ Thu, 08 Dec 2005 05:37:02 PST
Though theres one thing I definetely want to do. I have an image in my head and for once its not a photograph style image, PC graphic render type, when I try to concentrate it shows me more so charcoal or pencil Though as I believe i said in my previous entry my hands are for writing not drawing.. Oh well maybe i'll try to draw it..

Maybe I'll draw it over the weekend... While also continuing my search for those old peoms

Ja ne.

]]> ~Kawanua http://Kawanua.deviantart.com/journal/7217752/ http://Kawanua.deviantart.com/journal/7217752/ Sun, 04 Dec 2005 05:59:14 PST
Well um maybe I should give a greeting this time stead of going

"JOIN DEVIANT ART!"

*Year and a half later*

"2ND LOGIN!!!"

Hehe well um... uh... hmmm... Lets see......
Ok! Got it! I am a writer/poet/RPG/fanfic person.. type.. thing.. I did a lot of RPG writing on a forum with a great bunch of people, but slowly it started kind of dying, then a few social stuff happened and I went very wierd. And who took the brute force of all of the wierdness? My writing spark. I think I've KIND OF found it again, reading my old stories kind of made me want to snuggle up in bed with my laptop and just write my ass off till Mr Sun gets up for his morning cup of Joe, heh.

I think I might get into it again, writing gives me such a damn good feeling when i just put some music on, and let my fingers go nuts on the keyboard (my hand writing is a step up from the stone age) Though every time I think about the stories I had (still got) in my mind I remember the unfortunate event on my RPG boards where the admin accidently deleted the thread instead of copying it and archiving it... LOST MY 12 page chapter of my RPG character which was unbelievable I miss it >< Well, i remember what I wrote. Just HOW I wrote it? Well thats a different matter. Tomorrow if i can find my poems I wrote in english 2004 I'll post em up.

Thank you visitors for your participation! ~Radical Edward~ ]]> ~Kawanua