I have so much to be thankful for -

And right now I am focusing on one thing. You.
The voice that whispers goodnights to me before I fall asleep.
The greeting that wakes me in the mornings.
The man who plans his day around the times he gets to call me.
The man who literally saves lives - a man who's life is ful-filled by helping others.

There is someone in my life -

Who has given me all of himself to enjoy.
Someone who my grandparents ask after all the time.
A man my mom wants to chat with as often as I do.
A man who knows I am his one.
A man of loyalty, ambition, and confidence.

This will be quite the journey. And I highly suspect that I will be engaged in the very near future. To be loved so greatly, to be treated so well - *squee*

I am happy because -

I am feeling love, both from and for him.
I get to be my weird self - openly and honestly.
I don't have to worry overmuch about things.
My family wants this for me.
He is so beautiful - especially in uniform
And he is MINE!

I love itemizing. <3

I guess I'm in a 'osting song lyrics moood' but this song came on a few days ago and i must say - woot i haz new theme song!!

---- In Flames - World Of Promises

They come from a land where the sun don't shine,
Running away from the cold..
They travel so far in the name of love,
Hoping the dreams will come true..

Walking the way through endless fields,
Trying to make it together..
Eternal grin.. Ever sleeking..
Jester the fool.. to fall in love!!

And they will give anything,
Just to be free from the pain!
But they won't surrender!!

Living in a world of promises!
Living in a world of dreams and hope!!
Living in a world of promises!

Lost in the city wondering why,
No one can open the door..
It's more to the truth than meets the eye,
Something they all felt before..

And they will give anything,
Just to stand tall again!
But they won't surrender!!

Living in a world of promises!
Living in a world of dreams and hope!!
Living in a world of promises!

With the dread of the nights, we hear them crying!
Out for a life, to hold on to!
Somebody knows, where the answers lying!
Wait for your chance and don't, don't let go!!

Living in a world of promises!
Living in a world of dreams and hope!!
Living in a world of promises!

(I couldn't have said it better if I'd tried)

Shattered Memories - Bleed the Dream

So how long
Do you really think I'd let you keep me here
Before I'd run away
And how long
Would you sit around and watch me waste my tears
Before you walk away
I love your average faith

And there's nothing left but shattered memories
Of what we left behind (left behind)
And the greatest will forever follow me
Forever left behind, left behind

There's no time
To be ridiculous and piss into the wind
Unless you wanted to
There's no words
That could ever make the sorrows disappear
Because I know it's true
And I love your average faith

And there's nothing left but shattered memories
Of what we left behind (left behind)
And the greatest will forever follow me
Forever left behind

Forever left behind
Forever (and ever)... forever

And there's nothing left but shattered memories
Of what we left behind (left behind)
And the greatest will forever follow me
Forever left behind, left behind
Forever left behind

Times have certainly changed.

I looked back a little bit last night. I found it strange that I was struggling to remember events from the past 10 months or so.

It seems important that I say it here.
I seriously cannot believe how emotionally dead I was.
And I know this because I left my muses, my inspirations in Ellensburg this weekend.

I know it because -

I dug up some old and petrified remains of my life. And in those findings, I read the ancient writings, the hidden clues and cryptic insignias and a smile appeared on my face.

"I haven't cried yet"
"You told me it's because he doesn't deserve your tears"
"No, but why can't I remember?"
"You told me you partitioned that off and forced amnesia"
"Then how can I be expected to cry over some vague memory?"
"Look at what the past 10 months were, only vague memories now."
"That should tell you something."
"It should; a relationship that doesn't connect early on, won't connect later."
"sigh. I wish it had, in many regards."
"Why?"
"Because it felt like more, at rare times. It felt progressive, yet safe and honest. It felt unique but it felt very distant. I kept trying to grab at ashes floating in the air but whenever I got close they dissolved before I even knew what was written on them. I kept waiting, staring into eyes that only saw the now, giving ample opportunity to talk about feelings, yet both of us couldn't because we couldn't force what wasn't there."
"You told me you said how you felt."
"Only at the very end, and somehow, I don't think it was for him that I said it."

-----

Ellensburg was beautiful this weekend. Again I seem to return to that place and find something unique in it's heart. I went and met up with my boyfriend and great friend . These are the muses of which I refer. Those who keep me and hold me accountable for so much.
I may not have drawn anything yet encapsulating this past weekend, but the wonderful times had were helped by knowing that the weekend trip was a real gift to have received. I made it over Satus pass with no incident to and from Ellensburg. I nearly got snowed in, which would only have been bad if it made me miss a dentist appt. here on this side of the mountains.

I have wonderful photos from the weekend. I want moments captured. I demand evidence to prove how different my smile is. And I demand the world know THIS:

Humans can take a lot on their shoulders and not even know they are doing it. Humans can live day-to-day in a survival mode and not realize how much they're missing. Being emotionally dead is one of the hardest things to personally identify in one's self. And routine is easy to fall into - but it can form a deep rut that becomes more difficult to climb out of given too much time. AND most importantly, if you expect to connect with someone after 10 months and still don't - wake up and realize it's not ever going to happen.

I am very distracted lately.

Having a hard time focusing on the things I need to so desperately be working on. But I must admit, I am wearing down.

First of all, the job search is going fruitlessly. Yeah, laugh it up while you can and while you're out of range, but I refuse to let anyone tell me I haven't been working hard enough on this. Least I have a fucking degree. At least I made it that far. And the job I want? It's a game of numbers and a game of patience and meticulous networking.

Second, I realized just how mentally fuct up I am right now, living emotionally like a homeless person, day-to-day, just flat-lining in regards to how I treat my 'feelings'. I'm living with symptoms, rather than dealing with certain issues at their source. It has become a norm to numb my mind and give no time to emotions or feelings whatsoever to the extent that it's my dreams doing the feeling, worrying and thinking. I've been doing this for close to 10 months.

Third, I am starting to talk again. I've started to say things that, for 9 months, I neglected to share, to say, to feel. I am learning a new style of living, one based not on just sating my primal needs (eating, sleeping, lusting), but an intellectual experience. I have people on the other end listening to every word, asking more, answering questions, offering intellectual advice. I am talking and I am actually feeling again.

And I guess the latter has been something I have dearly missed. My new boyfriend has stumbled upon someone seeking so much in a man, wanting for so much. I see it happening, for the first time in 10 years, I see a possible end to my looking, I see a conclusion, I can start to dream a little, and I feel I can actually wrap my hands around this. I can forget about miserable college years. I am starting to take comfort in someone again. To relax when they call me my new names, to see not flight and weariness in their eyes but joy and longevity. I see in him, a reflection of destination.

I can stare into his eyes and feel like his... one. If only for just a little while, I can say that I am starting to see a destination too.
Thank God for that.

I am Liren. Godtouched and Precious. The Price of Freedom is high. And "Life being what it is, one dreams of revenge." - Paul Gauquin. (words of wisdom from the 'brown journal'

-Liren <3 Ravenkin

My Mind's Eye - Sirenia

If you were here
I'd whisper sweet nothings in your ear
And appeal to all your fears
If you were mine
I'd bring you so much further down
And twist your mind until the end of time

You will never realize
What darkness lies inside
Inside my mind
Inside my mind

If you are down
I will come to chain you to the ground
And penetrate your mind
If you are lost
(If you are lost)
I'll be there to break you trust
And ravage all your lust for life, my love

You will never realize
What darkness lies inside
Inside my mind
Inside my mind

You will never realize
What darkness lies inside
Inside my mind
Inside my mind

You will never realize
What darkness lies inside
Inside my mind
Inside my mind

And given the best weekend I've had in a very long time.

What incredible creatures, and her friend Trevor too flight from their side of the mountains to come to the aid of a dragon on the other side. I was in such a state of frustration and anger, and the wolves ran up to me so quickly.

I'll never forget the look of Trevor's eyes when I got off the train in Seattle. He strode up to me, unable to look away, and swept me up in the grandest of hugs. Then I ran to meet the wolf and took her in my arms as well and wanted to lift her off the very earth. I imagined tails wagging furiously, as I walked as one condemned, though pleased to be so well received.

We then made the trek up to Bellingham and I've never had a trip take so little time. We were magpies in a tree, chattering and laughing and sharing. We stopped at Northgate, and that's when I started to blush. I felt the care and appreciation of Trevor suddenly manifest itself and we kissed. It was like, the walls of every defense I had suddenly burst into flames and I let so much anger go. ahem!

Well after a lovely lunch - it was back on the road to Bham. We arrived and immediately checked into a hotel and... omg... magically it had been upgraded to a suite... nono. a POOLSIDE Suite! OMGZ. lol. I knew we'd been hoping to give ourselves the benefit of a hottub run after the moving was done but... I'd never expected this! The other room had a king-size bed. (awwwh yeaaah!)

Next, without wasting any time, we picked up the truck and I learned how to drive a massive vehicle. It was time to move.

I'm going to sum this up as quickly as possible - it was very tough.
I punched a tree. I hated saying goodbye to the dog. I wanted to take a mutually owned gecko but decided that she would bring more joy to my ex than me. I felt the way I felt when I first moved into the place - like I didn't ever really belong.

But then, it was over. Just like that, 4 hours later. It was done.

A few hours later, we'd hottubed, I'd been swept off my feet by an amazing man who did nothing more than smile every time he saw me, then took care of any and every need I had - namely that of feeling like the most wonderful and amazing woman this earth has ever seen. A warrior queen, I most certainly am.

Then it was booze all around (for me nothing less than Maker's Mark), pre-funking the downtown bham atmosphere, then sitting at the Copper Hog for drinks, and a lovely walk home in the crisp air. I felt like I was floating miles above the town. I smoked a cigar, protected my protectors and showed them the town that has seen 3 men dump me since I've lived there. Well Bellingham, you can take this lovely single finger salute and shove it up your ass cause I OWN YOU!!!

Oh yeah. And my costume. Was me. Warrior Queen. hot as shit in a short short black skirt, corset-like top and my bitch boots. Yeah. My right hand? Rivven. my left, Trevor. Fuck.Yeah.


<3 <3 <3
BEST HALLOWEEN EVAR!

Unwanted, tossed aside from place to place. A home destroyed with the flick of the tongue.

Misused, mistreated, sinking into darkness. In the heart of stone, she sinks ever deeply. Every sound blocked. In the hearth, all is quiet, precious, and preserved.

Walking down an empty hallway, where memories are posted up as fading photographs, ripped, torn, faded. dust competes with cobwebs in the corners. It is a sickly silence where even the quiet padding of clothed feet seem loud and unbidden.

There is one memory that provides light, in the middle of the room. It is polished, almost glimmering with what could pass for hope in this dreary place. If you look at it closely, it might whisper a few secrets. Secrets that could make a smile creep over every face of every tear-stained face.

And yet, things are still just beyond control. A memory is untouchable again. Made, and then forgotten. Recorded, then dusty with age. And what may seem like a light in the darkness, is really just a tiny hope based on a single fading memory.

And where, in these walls of stone, is the place that the soul is bound to rest? There is an iron chair, full of spikes, cold as ice. Reminding all, that no position of power, happiness, and joy should be held without first facing the challenge of overcoming the discomfort of life and life's disappointments.

this is the name of my heart's stony place. And the person who resides within it, trapped, is Aeglyss the Unbidden, the Unwanted, the Exiled. Here I speak with her, and know, the real truth of life, unbiased and, unfortunate.

-Excerpt from Aeglyss's personal journal.
And Liren's fictional companion.