http://search.deviantart.com/?q=by:MaverickOfTheShadows&section=today deviantART RSS for by:MaverickOfTheShadows en-us Copyright 2009, deviantART.com Sat, 19 Dec 2009 12:13:10 PST deviantART.com http://blogs.law.harvard.edu/tech/rss http://s.deviantart.com/minish/widgets/apple-touch-icon-precomposed.png http://MaverickOfTheShadows.deviantart.com/journal/28937573/ http://MaverickOfTheShadows.deviantart.com/journal/28937573/ Mon, 14 Dec 2009 08:17:28 PST
I'm a little sad that I can't get a 50 mm lens because of the economy, though. =/

And it turns out that I can't go to UMBC for the arts program because we can't afford dorms. I could try to and get the Linehan Artist Scholarship (they give money ranging from $5k to $22k per year), but they need everything in by January 1. That would involve me talking to my high school teachers and I doubt they would write me letters of recommendation over break... They didn't like me because I was "that kid". -_-" Even if they did, I don't think it would reach UMBC in time.

So I pretty much have to go to UMCP, which is nice, but I might not get in because of the massive amount of people applying for transfer... Fucking sucks... If I do get accepted, I don't think I would mind... I guess it would be more convenient... Price-wise and commuter-wise... And most of my friends are there, so it's not that bad... I guess. They have art, too, but not as good as UMBC.

Regardless, whatever place (hopefully) accepts me is the place I'll go.

]]> ~MaverickOfTheShadows http://MaverickOfTheShadows.deviantart.com/journal/28870153/ http://MaverickOfTheShadows.deviantart.com/journal/28870153/ Thu, 10 Dec 2009 17:56:59 PST
sic transit gloria mundi, indeed.

FUCK. EVERYTHING.

]]> ~MaverickOfTheShadows http://MaverickOfTheShadows.deviantart.com/journal/28800271/ http://MaverickOfTheShadows.deviantart.com/journal/28800271/ Mon, 07 Dec 2009 06:18:36 PST
Me? Other than a 50 mm lens and some colored slide film... I want peace everywhere. It's a long shot, but one can always dream, right?

Your turn.

]]> ~MaverickOfTheShadows http://MaverickOfTheShadows.deviantart.com/journal/28761091/ http://MaverickOfTheShadows.deviantart.com/journal/28761091/ Sat, 05 Dec 2009 07:49:06 PST pirates.

2) It's snowing.

3) My parents are out of town.

4) I can do whatever the fuck I want.

5) This is the perfect day to be a hippie/hobo with benefits.
a. I can stay in my pj's
b. snuggle and watch movies
c. play the guitar
d. paint and draw
e. write
f. eat whatever
g. go out wherever

6) Today is beautiful
a. and I am free
b. and I'll pretend that this feeling will last and my parents won't be back.

]]> ~MaverickOfTheShadows http://MaverickOfTheShadows.deviantart.com/journal/28705196/ http://MaverickOfTheShadows.deviantart.com/journal/28705196/ Wed, 02 Dec 2009 07:37:46 PST
That tackles the shit I'm stressed about for this week. I have to do an in-class essay in my English class about what I learned and I'm resisting the urge to tear my teacher a new asshole in my writing. bah... I seriously didn't learn ANYTHING because I knew everything already.

I'm not sure if I have a psychology test this week... I don't think I do...

But at least after this week, there isn't much next week... Except for two bio exams before the final. One is a take home exam, though, so meh. In English, we're basically just going to be busy work. I don't think there's going to be a math test next week, so that's good. Next week is when my last lit assignment before finals is due. I don't know what will be happening in psychology... Probably a review session.

I'm scared, you guys! The end is near and judgement day soon after. I have a recommendation letter from bio teacher... Hopefully I can get a recommendation letter from my lit teacher... and possibly my psychology teacher.

Fuck, I still have to get recommendation letters for my art portfolio for UMBC... But my art teachers were never really fond of me. I was the delinquent, you see...

It never hurts to try, though.

]]> ~MaverickOfTheShadows http://MaverickOfTheShadows.deviantart.com/journal/28691179/ http://MaverickOfTheShadows.deviantart.com/journal/28691179/ Tue, 01 Dec 2009 13:27:41 PST I finally realized that what I did was wrong... and when I did I was so disgusted with myself.
Now, I can't look him in the eye and I can't look in the mirror without wanting to shoot myself.
Fuck.

]]> ~MaverickOfTheShadows http://MaverickOfTheShadows.deviantart.com/journal/28646888/ http://MaverickOfTheShadows.deviantart.com/journal/28646888/ Sun, 29 Nov 2009 09:15:31 PST
Yeah, the rest of you can go fuck yourselves.

(obviously I'm talking about people I know irl and not you DA people)

]]> ~MaverickOfTheShadows http://MaverickOfTheShadows.deviantart.com/journal/28486496/ http://MaverickOfTheShadows.deviantart.com/journal/28486496/ Sat, 21 Nov 2009 11:08:06 PST
It was my first time seeing them live... and now I can die happy. They are truly amazing people. When they played [link] I nearly cried because it was such a moving performance. The WHOLE concert was moving, in fact. I'm not doing them any justice when I describe them. It's just indescribable, I guess. I can't wait to see them again some day. XD

]]> ~MaverickOfTheShadows http://MaverickOfTheShadows.deviantart.com/journal/28474468/ http://MaverickOfTheShadows.deviantart.com/journal/28474468/ Fri, 20 Nov 2009 18:22:33 PST

]]> ~MaverickOfTheShadows http://MaverickOfTheShadows.deviantart.com/journal/28312625/ http://MaverickOfTheShadows.deviantart.com/journal/28312625/ Thu, 12 Nov 2009 12:45:50 PST Why does everything always backfire in my face?

]]> ~MaverickOfTheShadows http://MaverickOfTheShadows.deviantart.com/journal/28299584/ http://MaverickOfTheShadows.deviantart.com/journal/28299584/ Wed, 11 Nov 2009 17:50:42 PST
I had two awkward conversations in under 30 minutes. The first was with this Indian dude I've been crushing on. We've talked before, but we never had a legit convo so I decided to change that. But as soon as I messaged him, I realized that we had NOTHING to talk about because we don't know much about each other. Although, in my defense, he was a crappy conversationalist.
Eh, whatever. He can use his curry for lube and go fuck himself. That's the last time I'll ever talk to an Indian Christian who majors in accounting. I should have known that he would be boring.

I realize that I can't hold conversations with normal/boring people. The only people I ever really talk to are polygamous, atheist, potheads; promiscuous people with drinking problems and drug dealing boyfriends; and smart people who are accepting, love to party, and will face a life of failing relationships because they are naive and their parents have shitty relationships.

I guess that's considered normal. I think what I mean is that I can't carry a conversation with prudish, straight-edge, people.

]]> ~MaverickOfTheShadows http://MaverickOfTheShadows.deviantart.com/journal/28299539/ http://MaverickOfTheShadows.deviantart.com/journal/28299539/ Wed, 11 Nov 2009 17:48:11 PST
I had two awkward conversations in under 30 minutes. The first was with this Indian dude I've been crushing on. We've talked before, but we never had a legit convo so I decided to change that. But as soon as I messaged him, I realized that we had NOTHING to talk about because we don't know much about each other. Although, in my defense, he was a crappy conversationalist.
Eh, whatever. He can use his curry for lube and go fuck himself. That's the last time I'll ever talk to an Indian Christian who majors in accounting. I should have known that he would be boring.

I realize that I can't hold conversations with normal/boring people. The only people I ever really talk to are polygamous, atheist, potheads; promiscuous people with drinking problems and drug dealing boyfriends; and smart people who are accepting, love to party, and will face a life of failing relationships because they are naive and their parents have shitty relationships.

I guess that's considered normal. I think what I mean is that I can't carry a conversation with prudish, straight-edge, people.

]]> ~MaverickOfTheShadows http://MaverickOfTheShadows.deviantart.com/journal/28232131/ http://MaverickOfTheShadows.deviantart.com/journal/28232131/ Mon, 09 Nov 2009 07:44:56 PST But maybe we could Tim Gun it and "make it work"??? Maybe?? Hm...

Trying to stay happy today because my teacher cancelled class without telling me, so I could've had 5 more hours of sleep. -_-"
I also have biology class today... And that fucking blows. I HATE biology. Even though it's easy, it's just so... dull...

]]> ~MaverickOfTheShadows http://MaverickOfTheShadows.deviantart.com/journal/28101873/ http://MaverickOfTheShadows.deviantart.com/journal/28101873/ Mon, 02 Nov 2009 07:52:08 PST I KNOW I can get out of here after this semester and I KNOW that I can acheive my dreams so why the hell am I spazzing out?

I guess it's because I constantly doubt myself. I used to be confident but in the last two years I've been torn down so many times. Even when something is easy, I act like it's a life or death situation. My anxiety is high and I find myself going into the bathroom expecting to vomit from nerves, but it won't surface. I sit in the stall and just breathe, reflect, hate, hope...

In psychology class, there's this thing called a "personal fable" that adolescents go through. It's when people think that no one understands what they are going through. We all know that that's false, but I can't help but think that it's true. But then there are other times where I sit and observe people and wonder if they are going through the same thing and if it's all just a facade. We all have facades. Even the people who claim to be "real". And I wish that people would just tear them down and reach out. We don't need drugs that capitalize on our fears, we just need each other.

I have so much to say and it's all roaring in my mind like boiling water, but I have to go now. =/
God damn biology class.

]]> ~MaverickOfTheShadows http://MaverickOfTheShadows.deviantart.com/journal/28082628/ http://MaverickOfTheShadows.deviantart.com/journal/28082628/ Sun, 01 Nov 2009 09:09:36 PST My parents have finally accepted that I want to major in art. After church, they were talking to some acquaintances who asked them what school I was going to and what my major is. My parents told them that I was in comp sci and graphic design and the people told us that their son majored in graphic design and went on to work for Apple and Nike and gets paid more than them and they're in the medical field.

So pretty much, I'm searching for art schools in MD with my parents right now . Except, I want to go to a liberal arts school and the only things I'm finding are fine arts schools. =/
It will most likely be in Baltimore because it's one of the top 20 cities for art. It will probably be UMBC.
I'd go to MICA, but that's fine arts and Loyola is private, expensive, and a tad bit snobbish.
So, UMBC it is! I have a better chance going there than I do UMD-College Park, and even though it's farther from my house, it offers both graphic design and comp sci in case I change my mind.

But, yeah, I just wanted to thank the few of you who supported me. It meant/means a lot.

]]> ~MaverickOfTheShadows http://MaverickOfTheShadows.deviantart.com/journal/28047248/ http://MaverickOfTheShadows.deviantart.com/journal/28047248/ Fri, 30 Oct 2009 14:22:59 PDT
]]> ~MaverickOfTheShadows http://MaverickOfTheShadows.deviantart.com/journal/28019559/ http://MaverickOfTheShadows.deviantart.com/journal/28019559/ Wed, 28 Oct 2009 20:02:43 PDT [link]

[link]

[link]

]]> ~MaverickOfTheShadows http://MaverickOfTheShadows.deviantart.com/journal/27903378/ http://MaverickOfTheShadows.deviantart.com/journal/27903378/ Thu, 22 Oct 2009 10:07:15 PDT
Turns out that he has the face of a rat. MY GOD. And when I entered the classroom, he stops in the middle of bending down and taking something from his bag and looks at me. And I just looked at him because of how ugly he was. It was like witnessing an accident on the road and slowing down your car to look at it. Was he giving me a dirty look? I don't know and I don't care. Because he's ugly. And I'm shallow.

I had my lit. mid term today. I was kinda pressed for time, but I think I did alright. Hopefully, I have an A. I know I have an A in bio. In the other classes either have an A or a B. Idk about math or psych. Hopefully, they're good, too. >_<

]]> ~MaverickOfTheShadows http://MaverickOfTheShadows.deviantart.com/journal/27894145/ http://MaverickOfTheShadows.deviantart.com/journal/27894145/ Wed, 21 Oct 2009 17:54:18 PDT
I was going to do something either on the effect Israel had in Middle Eastern affairs or on the Taliban's effect on Pakistan and Afghanistan, but I've decided to ditch them. Why? Because my English teacher is a fucking MORON and would be so confused about the paper that I would receive a bad grade.

So, that's where you come in. Can you help me think of a specific cause and effect? I'm out of ideas...

]]> ~MaverickOfTheShadows http://MaverickOfTheShadows.deviantart.com/journal/27884218/ http://MaverickOfTheShadows.deviantart.com/journal/27884218/ Wed, 21 Oct 2009 06:44:03 PDT Phew.

The next portfolio review date is 1/29/10 @9:30.
I know what I'll be doing over the holidays, which should be pretty awesome because my parents are getting me a 50 mm lens as my late birthday present. Hopefully that will improve the look of my photos.
Also, since it's the holidays, that means more things to photograph. I have to do this assignment where I choose a scene and take four photos as an artist and four photos as a tourist. Nothing really happens in October over here... There probably is, though. Maybe after mid-terms are over I can scope out some cool places in my area.

]]> ~MaverickOfTheShadows http://MaverickOfTheShadows.deviantart.com/journal/27881378/ http://MaverickOfTheShadows.deviantart.com/journal/27881378/ Tue, 20 Oct 2009 23:00:43 PDT
I'm hoping I can still get into the university. I applied as a graphic designer for my first intended major and as comp. sci. for my second. The next review date is during the second semester so I don't know how that will affect my admission.

I'm sorry that I'm bothering the few of you who take the time to read this with my boring worries of admission.

Fuck again. It's 2 AM. I need to get to the three hours of sleep I still have. Laters.

]]> ~MaverickOfTheShadows http://MaverickOfTheShadows.deviantart.com/journal/27866963/ http://MaverickOfTheShadows.deviantart.com/journal/27866963/ Tue, 20 Oct 2009 06:22:00 PDT
I think I have an outline due next class, but I'm just thinking of skipping and buying myself a lighter and cigarettes because I'm 18 and legal.

Lunch with my dad today. I'm pretty sure he knows it's my birthday if he's taking me to a fancy place...

I'm going to make a happy day today... I'm listening to the Mr. Roger's Neighborhood theme song... REally cheers me up.

]]> ~MaverickOfTheShadows http://MaverickOfTheShadows.deviantart.com/journal/27851862/ http://MaverickOfTheShadows.deviantart.com/journal/27851862/ Mon, 19 Oct 2009 11:07:46 PDT Damn it, boy, I'm not interested. I kept trying to get away from him but he just kept following me and didn't get the hint.
I need to get myself a boyfriend and parade him around in front of him.

]]> ~MaverickOfTheShadows http://MaverickOfTheShadows.deviantart.com/journal/27849036/ http://MaverickOfTheShadows.deviantart.com/journal/27849036/ Mon, 19 Oct 2009 07:04:39 PDT -8 more weeks until the end of semester
-4more days until portfolio review
-17 more hours until my birthday.

One hell of a countdown, eh?

]]> ~MaverickOfTheShadows http://MaverickOfTheShadows.deviantart.com/journal/27848707/ http://MaverickOfTheShadows.deviantart.com/journal/27848707/ Mon, 19 Oct 2009 06:31:02 PDT
]]> ~MaverickOfTheShadows http://MaverickOfTheShadows.deviantart.com/journal/27839676/ http://MaverickOfTheShadows.deviantart.com/journal/27839676/ Sun, 18 Oct 2009 16:25:41 PDT I'm scared of anxiety and depression and what they've done to me and how they can spontaneously reoccur.

"Failure is temporary -- quitting is permanent". Anxiety and depression can consume one to the point where they want to quit everything. I know this is true. I loathed every moment of those two emotions.

I'm not scared of failure anymore because I know that I have the drive and ability to surpass people, but when anxiety and depression rear their heads I feel worthless.

Failure used to be my biggest fear, but I now know it's anxiety and depression.

]]> ~MaverickOfTheShadows http://MaverickOfTheShadows.deviantart.com/journal/27792928/ http://MaverickOfTheShadows.deviantart.com/journal/27792928/ Fri, 16 Oct 2009 07:02:00 PDT I really need weed... So I can relax and for recreational purposes, as well. I haven't formed any friendships with anyone... So would that make it easier or more difficult to go up to somebody in my class and ask for weed?
I'm pretty sure the Arab guy in my English class is a pothead... God damn, I had the PERFECT moment to talk to him this morning. Everyone was waiting outside of the classroom because it was locked and the teacher was late. He sat down next to me and wasn't doing anything in particular. He COULD have sat down with that guy he always sits next to in class but this morning he chose to sit next to me... And I didn't seize that moment. I totally fucked carpe diem up the ass. The whole time I was writing, I was telling myself to talk to him... And I didn't and by the time I finally mustered enough courage, it was too late becaus the teacher showed up.
So there went my chances of making a friend and smoking some hash... =[

]]> ~MaverickOfTheShadows http://MaverickOfTheShadows.deviantart.com/journal/27757589/ http://MaverickOfTheShadows.deviantart.com/journal/27757589/ Wed, 14 Oct 2009 06:14:18 PDT
]]> ~MaverickOfTheShadows http://MaverickOfTheShadows.deviantart.com/journal/27745932/ http://MaverickOfTheShadows.deviantart.com/journal/27745932/ Tue, 13 Oct 2009 14:26:23 PDT But the unemployment rate is a problem because of the trade deficit.
And Obama isn't really confronting that. =/

But this gives me hope that I can pursue art sooner.

]]> ~MaverickOfTheShadows http://MaverickOfTheShadows.deviantart.com/journal/27729815/ http://MaverickOfTheShadows.deviantart.com/journal/27729815/ Mon, 12 Oct 2009 16:09:21 PDT
]]> ~MaverickOfTheShadows http://MaverickOfTheShadows.deviantart.com/journal/27712611/ http://MaverickOfTheShadows.deviantart.com/journal/27712611/ Sun, 11 Oct 2009 18:02:49 PDT
8 mas semanas!! I need to focus. Next week is midterms and those grades can make or break me.

]]> ~MaverickOfTheShadows http://MaverickOfTheShadows.deviantart.com/journal/27692118/ http://MaverickOfTheShadows.deviantart.com/journal/27692118/ Sat, 10 Oct 2009 17:27:16 PDT [link]


oo00o00oo0o00o

]]> ~MaverickOfTheShadows http://MaverickOfTheShadows.deviantart.com/journal/27672561/ http://MaverickOfTheShadows.deviantart.com/journal/27672561/ Fri, 09 Oct 2009 17:00:46 PDT [link]

Colored artwork.

]]> ~MaverickOfTheShadows http://MaverickOfTheShadows.deviantart.com/journal/27663272/ http://MaverickOfTheShadows.deviantart.com/journal/27663272/ Fri, 09 Oct 2009 06:40:57 PDT
I know that the day after next we're going to Renn Fest, which basically means good food and nerds and emos who dress up like pirates and peasants. The last time I went, a friend and I dressed up as ninjas and some people thought it was funny but others were really hostile and mean. I'd expect just as much from teenagers, but from adults? Come on, grow up. It's not a big deal.

Too bad I'm not free on Monday. Only the government is off for Columbus Day. Not sure if I want to chill with her after Monday and Tuesday classes.

And my other bffl FINALLY got a skype so we can chat and stuff. We're going to have a skype date today. I'm excited.

Oh yeah, I need to add that when you're the only girl in a group of guys and your group needs to present something to the class, they will always choose a guy to represent the group's points.
Even though the girl just pwned them and said something utterly brilliant, they will choose the guy or the cockiest guy of the group elects himself to be the representative. If the guy is nice he'll mention your brilliant points in one sentence that does the girl no justice.

]]> ~MaverickOfTheShadows http://MaverickOfTheShadows.deviantart.com/journal/27649004/ http://MaverickOfTheShadows.deviantart.com/journal/27649004/ Thu, 08 Oct 2009 11:35:07 PDT
I never think it's a good thing when people look at me...
Like today, I walk into class and the guys in the room (there were only three at the time) looked at me. Well, the one Ethiopian guy was kind enough to look briefly and then go on with whatever he was doing. I mean he probably looked at me because I walked through the door. People always do that to see if it's the professor or some friend they know.

But the English guy and that Asian guy (what kind of Asian last name is Tran, btw?) stared at me. I stared back and then grew tired of staring so I just went back to my business. BUT WHY WERE THEY STARING!? I can't tell if the English guy was checking me out. Hell, English women can't even tell if English guys are checking them out! as put by my English friend, "If a Brit fancies you, they might hint at it when they're insanely drunk. If you're lucky."

Maybe the Asian guy thought I was looking at him and then looked at me? And I'm not sure if he was glaring at me because, well, his face is stuck in this perpetual stink face. =/

But the question remains... Why the fuck are you staring at me, you high-looking, fat, English man? And why are you looking at me you stink face, Asian? WHY?! Or in general, why are you going to stare at me and not do anything?!

I HATE IT WHEN PEOPLE LOOK AT ME.

]]> ~MaverickOfTheShadows http://MaverickOfTheShadows.deviantart.com/journal/27612420/ http://MaverickOfTheShadows.deviantart.com/journal/27612420/ Tue, 06 Oct 2009 10:00:08 PDT
AlchemyOfSin said: um... Nice to meet you, too...

reficul_666 said: You know, you're photos are good but a bit depressing. What camera do you use?"

In other news, I'm fucked for math... Yay... I need myself some lamb kebab...

]]> ~MaverickOfTheShadows http://MaverickOfTheShadows.deviantart.com/journal/27592284/ http://MaverickOfTheShadows.deviantart.com/journal/27592284/ Mon, 05 Oct 2009 07:19:20 PDT
I think I'm losing my knack for creative writing, you guys.

On a positive note:
1) My recent photography looks pretty nice, which means new additions to my portfolio for universities!

2)After two weeks, it's mid-term exams. Hopefully, I can leave this place after the full term is done (9 more weeks). I just sent in the applications to the two schools I want to attend and I'm praying that I can gain admission.

3)15 more days until my birthday. It would be nice to get a 50 mm lens for my camera, but my parents wouldn't be willing to cash out on something they consider frivolous during a recession.

Wait,this section isn't as positive as I thought...

Um...

]]> ~MaverickOfTheShadows http://MaverickOfTheShadows.deviantart.com/journal/27559959/ http://MaverickOfTheShadows.deviantart.com/journal/27559959/ Sat, 03 Oct 2009 14:01:20 PDT Remember that guy from my my psychology class that I couldn't tell was gay (not the flip flop one)?

He gets in the elevator, too. Except, at first, I didn't know it was him until I look at him. My mouth twitched as I tried to fight off a smile. Can't make it seem that I'm interested in him...

The entire time, I was thinking, "SAY SOMETHING,DAMN IT! ANYTHING!" Ascending four floors seems so long yet so short.

"Just say 'How's it going?' What the fuck is wrong with you?"
Alas, we reached the floor our classroom was located. The reality is that four floors is too short.

I quickly walk out of the elevator first because I was ashamed of myself for not seizing that opportune moment. I didn't say anything... But then again, neither did he. But it's probably my fault. I don't think I'm terribly approachable at all...

I walked quickly to the classroom, but I'm short and he's tall, so the speed difference doesn't put enough time difference between us. The shoes he was wearing clicked and clacked as he walked behind me, seemingly taunting me as we walked. He was going to sit in the same row as me, but instead decides to sit in the row in front of me. Today, during class, I learned that he's not gay. He's just an artist.

So. That one moment where I could have connected with someone who is awesome and shares the same interest as me... Gone. But maybe there will be another moment... Hopefully.

]]> ~MaverickOfTheShadows http://MaverickOfTheShadows.deviantart.com/journal/27483546/ http://MaverickOfTheShadows.deviantart.com/journal/27483546/ Tue, 29 Sep 2009 10:22:10 PDT
Choosing pieces for my portfolio is tough, though. =/

]]> ~MaverickOfTheShadows http://MaverickOfTheShadows.deviantart.com/journal/27476470/ http://MaverickOfTheShadows.deviantart.com/journal/27476470/ Mon, 28 Sep 2009 20:21:16 PDT
I keep telling myself that it's just another day... Just another day among a series of more days, months, years, decades...
Maybe I'm just upset that I want it to be something special, but I've been disappointed in so many ways that I'm scared to be hopeful of things.

It's just another day. There's nothing special about it because I'm not special at all. It makes sense that the day that marks the beginning of my existence is lackluster.

I already see how my birthday will play out. It's midterm week. I'll unwillingly wake up because I've been studying so much and because I realize that the term is only half way over... But maybe those aren't the only reasons. Sometimes I find tears falling on my face when I wake up and I don't want to move. While getting ready, I realize that I have only half a term left. "I just might be able to do this!" I think to myself.

I go to school and get the bullshit(math and lit, I think)over with and on the walk home I go to the store to buy cigarettes because I'm 18 and it's just another day.

I'll sit on the bench outside, flick my lighter, and put the flame to my cigarette, which will probably suck because I'm a poor student and I can't afford a decent cigarette, but it's better than nothing, I suppose.

"It's just another day," I'll say to myself after I take a long drag. When I get home, my mom either got me something like a cake or she didn't because she's busy. We're all busy.
And it's just another day.

]]> ~MaverickOfTheShadows http://MaverickOfTheShadows.deviantart.com/journal/27462598/ http://MaverickOfTheShadows.deviantart.com/journal/27462598/ Mon, 28 Sep 2009 07:00:57 PDT
I'm applying to two schools. For one of them I have the application done and I just have to send it along with my transcripts, test scores, and portfolio. For the one I really want to attend, it's pretty much the same sans the portfolio, but the essay is fucking with my brains and I NEED to finish it because of limited enrollment.

It's not an essay topic of my choice and the topic they did give me... DAMN IT:

"An essay describing your past academic experiences and your reasons for wishing to transfer to [insert university here] at this point in your academic career is required. Students who have been out of school for several years, or who have a personal circumstance that affected their academic performance, may wish to address that situation in their essay. Your essay should be no more than 300 words."

I don't know what to write because the truth is definitely what they want to hear. My past academic experience is basically me being fucked over by my school and becoming mentally unstable because of that and other reasons(I'll spare you the details). My reasons for wanting to go to that university is because I SHOULD have gone there and I COULD have gone there if it weren't for my school. Because this place is a waste of my potential. Because there is no honor in where I am right now.

For the first time in my life, I don't know how to bullshit. If you were in my position, what would you say?

]]> ~MaverickOfTheShadows http://MaverickOfTheShadows.deviantart.com/journal/27404750/ http://MaverickOfTheShadows.deviantart.com/journal/27404750/ Fri, 25 Sep 2009 06:30:48 PDT
I recognized his face. He hadn't changed at all. I stood there, on the surface looking like I was wondering who he was, but really I was wondering who I was. I AM Julie. But do I say "no" to keep my pride in tact (There really is no honor in attending a community college. Especially after attending a good high school) or do I say "yes"? It's been four years since we saw each other. He couldn't say, "Yeah, you ARE. DON'T LIE!!!!"

I said "Yes" and he opened his arms like the old friend that he was, but it felt forced and awkward. He is significantly taller than me and I came up to his armpit. I seemed to be talking into his armpit as I said, "Oh my God! How are you? It's been such a long time!"

"It has," he said with the expected smile and laugh. He then asked me, "What are you doing here?" He knew I didn't belong here. I was better than this place.

"Financial aid wouldn't give me shit... so... this is fun..." I said. God, did I really just curse during our first meeting in four years? Great, not only do I seem like a failure for going to this place but I'm trashy, as well.

"Ah, I'm here to save money. I want to get into Georgetown," he said.

"Damn," I said with widened eyes. "What are you majoring in?"

"Graphic design," he told me and I was surprised. From what I remember he had no artistic ability whatsoever. But that was four years ago...

"Ah, I wanted to major in that too, but my parents were like 'Nah, this is a recession and --" I was going to say that I was forced to major in computer sciences but I was cut short because I saw that we were walking in the direction of the bathrooms. "Um you're going to the bathroom and I'm going this way"

Smooth, Julie... Really smooth.

"It's been nice seeing you again, though" I said as I pressed the elevator button.

"Yeah, you too," he said. "Good luck with everything."

"You too," I said as the doors closed, and with each descending floor I couldn't help but think that I was a failure in every sense of the word.

]]> ~MaverickOfTheShadows http://MaverickOfTheShadows.deviantart.com/journal/27389199/ http://MaverickOfTheShadows.deviantart.com/journal/27389199/ Thu, 24 Sep 2009 09:33:23 PDT ...
That's my rant for the day.

If you have anything you want to bitch about, post it in the comment section.

Btw, I need to do a compare and contrast essay on two subjects that don't require research (my teacher's wishes, not mine). Do you have any ideas? The draft is due tomorrow and I don't have anything. =/

It must be from one of these categories:
• Things (material objects such as cars or clothes)
• Personalities
• Sports
• Music
• Animals

]]> ~MaverickOfTheShadows http://MaverickOfTheShadows.deviantart.com/journal/27370284/ http://MaverickOfTheShadows.deviantart.com/journal/27370284/ Wed, 23 Sep 2009 06:58:40 PDT
I'm bored because I don't really have anyone to have fun with and I find myself unwinding through doing stupid shit on the internet like going on my art and blogging sites.

I'm letting my cockiness get in the way of my A-game, yo!

I need to study like I'm failing even though I'm clearly not. I want straight A's, damn it! If I don't, it will be a slap in the face...

The school isn't really pressuring me... It's myself who's pressuring me.

]]> ~MaverickOfTheShadows http://MaverickOfTheShadows.deviantart.com/journal/27369899/ http://MaverickOfTheShadows.deviantart.com/journal/27369899/ Wed, 23 Sep 2009 06:16:34 PDT
And then she asked me if I ever did that stuff before and I told her that I smoked a cigarette once and did hookah a bunch of times. Does that make me sound like a pussy or something?

Whatever, she just seemed like an alright person who is just rough around the edges.

UGHHH... I have biology in about 2 hours. SHOOT ME. I FUCKING HATE THAT CLASS.

]]> ~MaverickOfTheShadows http://MaverickOfTheShadows.deviantart.com/journal/27355302/ http://MaverickOfTheShadows.deviantart.com/journal/27355302/ Tue, 22 Sep 2009 11:29:02 PDT
2) There's a fat English guy in my lit. class and I really want to go up to him and ask him if he watches "Skins". Except that might be awkward because I sit on the opposite side of the room from him.

3) I studied for a math test that didn't even happen because we hadn't completely gone over the material. At least this gives me more time to review.

4) I had a bio test yesterday. I either have an A or B. At worst, a C.

5) Speaking of bio, the fat chick moved next to the Japanese woman and away from me. Bitch. Thankfully the Vietnamese guy wasn't there and a white guy who looks like a pothead sat next to me. I tried chatting with him, but he was oblivious. -_-" I hope he sits next to me again because I DEFINITELY don't want the Vietnamese dude to sit next to me.

6) I got my English paper back and I got a B. I was like "WTF, MATE?!" My paper was BRILLIANT. I'm just too damn sophisticated for that class. He told my class "Don't be disappointed if you didn't get an A. I hardly give those out" and I thought, "Hmph. It's probably because you're a dumbass." I'm anxious about the homework I turned in because I was talking about themes, symbols, and motifs and he probably wants answers that are basically like a summary of the story.

7) The people in my psychology class are fun and really nice. But the class itself... Boring reading and so much of it... And most of it is elaborate common knowledge... And if it isn't, that's pretty rare. =/

8) The next psychology class is going to be such a bitch. I have a test on four chapters and it sucks ass. At least it's a chance to see if that other guy is gay.

9) I've pretty much accepted that people at a community college aren't interested in socializing. All they want to do is take their classes and leave, which is basically what I'm doing, but it doesn't hurt to be friendlier....

10) After this week is done, I have 11 more weeks to go. I find that time passes more quickly if you count down by weeks and not days. Even when in your last week, counting the days just makes it pass slower.

]]> ~MaverickOfTheShadows http://MaverickOfTheShadows.deviantart.com/journal/27328372/ http://MaverickOfTheShadows.deviantart.com/journal/27328372/ Sun, 20 Sep 2009 20:18:12 PDT
He has the hots for me and I wouldn't mind except for the fact that he's short and ugly because looks like Jon Gosselin. And he talks to himself... Like he repeats what the teacher says to himself. There are other foreigners in the class and they don't do that. And it's fucking annoying because he sits next to me during lecture AND lab. And he smells. And his accent... It just sounds ugly.

He's always trying to help me and does a shy laugh whenever I ask him something or just say something to him in general. Geez I should just be like the Italian chick and bite his head off when he talks to me. Seriously, just because we're both computer science majors and I'm relatively nice to you does NOT mean I like you back.

This is going to sound bitchy, but the only reason I actually talk to him is to get his answers. But I'm thinking that I'm going to have to work hard in biology so I don't have to talk to him... and so he can leave me the fuck alone.

]]> ~MaverickOfTheShadows http://MaverickOfTheShadows.deviantart.com/journal/27322914/ http://MaverickOfTheShadows.deviantart.com/journal/27322914/ Sun, 20 Sep 2009 15:19:57 PDT
Guy1: He's in my literature class. And wears flip flops... The kind where the straps go in between your big toe and your second toe... The kind that makes guys look... um... unmanly.
He doesn't wear those skinny jeans that look like they cut off circulation to your balls, but there's just something about the way he wears them that throws me off. Maybe it's that the wash of them is light and guys usually wear dark wash? Or maybe it's the cut of them. I think his pants are boot cut flares...
And lastly, his bag is a messenger bag. Sure, there's nothing wrong with that, but it's from Calvin Klein. Most straight guys I know don't care about where they get their stuff from and just head to Target or something.
Then again, he has piercings, but that doesn't really say anything these days. Well, his movements aren't that gay... Maybe he's metro... Only way to find out is to talk to him more. Or show my boobs and see what happens.


Guy2: He's in my psychology class. This guy REALLY confuses me. The first class I had with him, he was very outspoken and not afraid to be different. The teacher even called him out for wanting to be different all the time as a form of attention whoring. From his appearance, he looked like a typical skater (brimmed beanie, layered shirts, skate shoes, aviator shades) and he was because I saw his board. Then the next class I had with him... I saw his outfit and started speculating. He looked... like a gay Jack Sparrow with his white button up shirt, on which he rolled the sleeves, and his fedora. And I don't know how but he made Doc Marten boots look gay. 0_o
So I began speculating... Maybe he's dressing that way to be different? But then I noticed that his jokes and comments in the class had a feminine vibe to them. Like you know how when guys joke around there's a tone of playful sarcasm and when girls joke around there's a fake tone of hurt? He jokes like a girl... >_>
He's a nice guy, but he acts like a nice girl... I don't know how to explain it.

ANYWAYS.
This sucks.
A. Lot.

]]> ~MaverickOfTheShadows http://MaverickOfTheShadows.deviantart.com/journal/27309468/ http://MaverickOfTheShadows.deviantart.com/journal/27309468/ Sat, 19 Sep 2009 22:11:09 PDT
Or maybe it's worse.

Your thoughts?

]]> ~MaverickOfTheShadows http://MaverickOfTheShadows.deviantart.com/journal/27276626/ http://MaverickOfTheShadows.deviantart.com/journal/27276626/ Fri, 18 Sep 2009 08:17:29 PDT
Guys started talking to me and being nicer to me. Not because they liked me or respected me, but because they had ulterior motives. Like the other day my professor was a jackass and when I wore a shirt that made my boobs looked nice the next day, he suddenly smiles and talks to me. And then my guy classmates when I walked in they looked at me and gave the smile. Not a smirk, not a "I'm so glad to see you, friend" grin, but a "dayummmm, gurll. I want to 'get to know you' better" smile. Even the Vietnamese dude in my bio class started talking to me and he even gave me his answers to the lab we were doing. And then I was walking home and construction workers just gawked at me. And even when I was home I ran into construction workers again because of the new houses being built in my area and the way they looked at me and made me sick inside. It made my parents sick, too. They were there when it happened.

And I got to thinking... And I realized that girls do the same thing, too. They're more inclined to talk to someone or help someone if they are cute of just have a really cool personality.

And then I thought even more. And I came to the conclusion that all we want to do is use each other and none of our motives are sincere. We'll always want a little something extra and if we don't get it, we either remain friends or just leave.

EVERYONE WANTS TO USE SOMEONE IN SOME SHAPE OR FORM...
AND THE WORLD SUCKS.

]]> ~MaverickOfTheShadows http://MaverickOfTheShadows.deviantart.com/journal/27276069/ http://MaverickOfTheShadows.deviantart.com/journal/27276069/ Fri, 18 Sep 2009 07:22:35 PDT
So... Have you ever felt that the things that happen in your life are trying to tell you something? The school I initially wanted to transfer to for computer sciences is going to be really harsh with their admissions this year because 7k people are applying.

Not as many people are applying to the school I wanted to go to for graphic design. I have a better chance at transferring there. My portfolio is stronger than what it was a year ago and my grades are probably going to be good since all my classes are easy. So maybe this is all part of life's plan for me. Maybe it's telling me that I should steer away from computer sciences because it's what my parents want and not what I want.

I know, I know... Pre-destination sounds like a bunch of bullshit, but this isn't really pre-destination, I think. I think it's more of doing what you want and still being in control, but when you make choices that aren't quite right, then life nudges you in the right direction. Everything happens for a reason.

I'd be happy going to either one, really.

OH YEAH, NEW DEVIATIONS ARE GOING TO BE POSTED TODAY.

]]> ~MaverickOfTheShadows http://MaverickOfTheShadows.deviantart.com/journal/27270935/ http://MaverickOfTheShadows.deviantart.com/journal/27270935/ Thu, 17 Sep 2009 20:27:02 PDT [link]

[link]

]]> ~MaverickOfTheShadows http://MaverickOfTheShadows.deviantart.com/journal/27240188/ http://MaverickOfTheShadows.deviantart.com/journal/27240188/ Wed, 16 Sep 2009 05:56:26 PDT
]]> ~MaverickOfTheShadows http://MaverickOfTheShadows.deviantart.com/journal/27223037/ http://MaverickOfTheShadows.deviantart.com/journal/27223037/ Tue, 15 Sep 2009 07:38:55 PDT Standing on the chair to be grown up
I feel so little, I need my pillow
I hate the time, I hate the clock
I want to be a dog or I want to be a rock

Sunday's pancakes Miss Mary Mack
Color Polariods show my heart attack
In my second-hand pants and dusty shoes
The day that the playground laughed at my shoes
It's my birthday next week and what I want please
Is to turn on the heat so the fish won't freeze
The fish in the tank froze and died last week
Oh I want to be a dog or I want to be a leaf

Quarry miners, fishermen
In my town of Bethlehem
Picket fences, church at ten
No star above my Bethlehem

Now I'm only 16 and I think I have an ulcer
I'm hiding my sex behind a dirty sweatshirt
I've lost five pounds these past few days
Trying to be class president and get straight A's, well,
Who gives a shit about that anyway?
I want to be a dog or a lump of clay

Chorus

Still I'm tired of standing still
Tired of living - still
Everyday I dream of leaving

Everybody's talking about Becky's bust
The boys on the basketball team just fuck
The same ten girls, who don't know who they are
They're looking for some comfort in the back of a car
The six-packs of beer, the locker room jeers
I don't want to be me, I don't want to be here

Chorus

Red brick schoolhouse, dead end dirt roads, daffodils
No star above my Bethlehem

I want to be a dog or I want to be a rock
I don't want to be me, I don't want to be here"

I found the lyrics in my journal from freshman year of high school. Maybe it was the lyrics I liked or maybe it was the melody, but I can't find the song ANYWHERE on youtube. It's a mystery to me

]]> ~MaverickOfTheShadows http://MaverickOfTheShadows.deviantart.com/journal/27218238/ http://MaverickOfTheShadows.deviantart.com/journal/27218238/ Mon, 14 Sep 2009 20:58:56 PDT
So you're probably not going to get this letter, but even if you did, you still wouldn't.

A year has gone by and I thought I had forgiven you, that I was the bigger man, and that I was recovering, but recently, I've been put in a situation and I realize that I can never forgive you.

You took away everything I had because I supposedly deserved it. What you did was unspeakable. Even when you saw that I was troubled, even when you saw that I was hurt and crying, even when you knew that I was going to end things, you didn't care. For someone who made it a point to convey that they were so proper, that was inhumane. You're such a hypocrite, but I didn't need the personal bullshit you gave me to prove that.

I had such potential and my livelihood and my future, which was everything to me at the time, was taken away from me. And you never cared, nor have you ever apologized. You're the same reprimanding bitch who turned everyone against me. You're the same bitch who lied to cover your true nature. Same biased hypocrite.

I'm here trying to claim what should have been mine and with each striving moment, I see you and the anger fuels and breaks me all at once. My life will never be the same because of you and the only thing I hope for is that it eats you inside and that it changes you and that maybe you'll someday have a heart to feel and a brain to sense that a person is troubled, but that's just wishful thinking, I guess.

Fuck you,
Julie

Note to journal readers:There is so much more I want to say, but I'm tired... of everything. I need to sleep now.

]]> ~MaverickOfTheShadows http://MaverickOfTheShadows.deviantart.com/journal/27216540/ http://MaverickOfTheShadows.deviantart.com/journal/27216540/ Mon, 14 Sep 2009 19:17:45 PDT
I thought the fat chick I sat next to in bio would be nice and she could be my friend, but she's a bitch and is seriously pissing me off. My hypothesis is that she has a Napoleon complex. She's not short, but she feels like she has to compensate for her fatness so she tries to impress the foreigners at our table with how "smart", "funny", and "nice" she is. BULLSHIT. She's just a fat chick who talks shit.

Next class, I'm going to switch places with the Vietnamese dude. I won't even ask. I'll just steal that guy's seat. He annoys me.
That way I can be close to the next table, which has people I can get along with, and be closer to the Japanese woman who is smart and nice.
Awesome.

Also, I'm hoping that English class is going to go well. I basically gave the asshole Mexican guy my "wtf" vibes, but whatever. He's cocky and needs a reality check. He's not that smart but he talks like he knows everything.
I need to sit next to the adorable, tubby guy the next time we have a workshop for our essays. If he's any good, he'll be my friend. If not... Oh well.
I need to work on not having such high performance anxiety, as well. I asked a question in class and my voice was shaky.Fuck. =/

I'm debating on whether or not to switch seats in literature.

The plan to sit next to the awesome guy in psychology is still on.

]]> ~MaverickOfTheShadows http://MaverickOfTheShadows.deviantart.com/journal/27207511/ http://MaverickOfTheShadows.deviantart.com/journal/27207511/ Mon, 14 Sep 2009 11:27:13 PDT
I guess the one thing you can expect to see in my journal complaints is that I'm tired. Another thing would be irritation from being forced to take stupid people courses, which are further slowed down because of foreigners. DAMN IT.

]]> ~MaverickOfTheShadows http://MaverickOfTheShadows.deviantart.com/journal/27196222/ http://MaverickOfTheShadows.deviantart.com/journal/27196222/ Sun, 13 Sep 2009 17:31:48 PDT I need you to look at my submissions here: [link]

and tell me what needs to be taken out. If you want you can critique it in general. Guys, this contest means so much to me and if you help me, I'll... be eternally grateful if I win? I know that sounds like you're getting the short end of the deal... Damn, I'm sorry, but just please help me. I've been through a lot for so long and this contest will help me and my family out a great deal.

]]> ~MaverickOfTheShadows http://MaverickOfTheShadows.deviantart.com/journal/27190697/ http://MaverickOfTheShadows.deviantart.com/journal/27190697/ Sun, 13 Sep 2009 12:42:35 PDT
But now I have to work. Gotta clean up the house before the 'rents come home and do my homework. I only have one thing due tomorrow, but I want to get ahead in my classes. I'm aiming for top marks, yo!

]]> ~MaverickOfTheShadows http://MaverickOfTheShadows.deviantart.com/journal/27171784/ http://MaverickOfTheShadows.deviantart.com/journal/27171784/ Sat, 12 Sep 2009 14:15:28 PDT
On a positive note, today was my first day of psychology class. It was awesome. Sure, I felt like a major focker when we were asked to share our opinions on Obama's health care reform and I paused for a good minute or two to fully compose my thoughts (significantly longer than the others), but fuck that. No one cares!

And there is this AWESOME guy in class I want to befriend. He's nice, funny, not afraid to be different and voice his opinion, a bit quirky, and he's not bad looking. I'm not saying I have the hots for him. Chances are that he has a girlfriend, but being friends with him would be awesome. I could see us getting along really well. In fact, if I went to a co-ed high school, we'd probably be in the same group of friends. Although, I could see attention whore tendencies. It seemed like he always feels the need to be funny and different. =/ He had a skateboard and dressed like a skater, too, so it doesn't help my attention whore hypothesis.

But this is probably stupid. I'm judging him on pre-conceived notions and this isn't high school. lol. The only way to see if I'm right is if I sit down next to him and talk to him. And if we do become friends, then I can become friends with his friends. Next Saturday, here I come!

So friend plan:
Math and literature: I don't care. Heh, these classes are on the same day (Tuesday and Thursday).

English: Sit next to the adorable, tubby guy and just chat it up. Oh yeah, and be comfortable with my thoughts on things so I can share them and put the Mexican guy and his friends in their places. (Monday, Wednesday,and Friday)

Bio: switch places with the Vietnamese guy to be closer to people I feel I can click with. (Monday and Wednesday)

Psych: Sit next to awesome guy. (Saturday XD)

Yep. Well, I have to drink more tea and sleep so it won't worsen into TSS and kill me.

Salut
-Julie

]]> ~MaverickOfTheShadows