http://search.deviantart.com/?q=by:Megan-Malicious&section=today deviantART RSS for by:Megan-Malicious en-us Copyright 2009, deviantART.com Thu, 10 Dec 2009 21:41:50 PST deviantART.com http://blogs.law.harvard.edu/tech/rss http://s.deviantart.com/minish/widgets/apple-touch-icon-precomposed.png http://Megan-Malicious.deviantart.com/journal/27807308/ http://Megan-Malicious.deviantart.com/journal/27807308/ Fri, 16 Oct 2009 23:10:56 PDT
]]> ~Megan-Malicious http://Megan-Malicious.deviantart.com/journal/27789061/ http://Megan-Malicious.deviantart.com/journal/27789061/ Thu, 15 Oct 2009 21:53:10 PDT
In less artsy news, I'm moving all of my stuff from my old house tomorrow. I will finally have my couch, my tables, my big screen, my dresser, and most importantly, MY BED. And with Brett's sub. Epic party pad? Yes, I think so.

I made Brett a deviantART. [link]
Go view it.
[There might not be anything up for a while if video games keep existing though...]

Alright. Time to find something new to do.

Love,
Megan

]]> ~Megan-Malicious http://Megan-Malicious.deviantart.com/journal/27642726/ http://Megan-Malicious.deviantart.com/journal/27642726/ Wed, 07 Oct 2009 22:20:10 PDT
]]> ~Megan-Malicious http://Megan-Malicious.deviantart.com/journal/25082016/ http://Megan-Malicious.deviantart.com/journal/25082016/ Tue, 02 Jun 2009 03:05:52 PDT
]]> ~Megan-Malicious http://Megan-Malicious.deviantart.com/journal/22361182/ http://Megan-Malicious.deviantart.com/journal/22361182/ Fri, 02 Jan 2009 19:24:54 PST
That is all.

]]> ~Megan-Malicious http://Megan-Malicious.deviantart.com/journal/21808598/ http://Megan-Malicious.deviantart.com/journal/21808598/ Wed, 03 Dec 2008 23:15:36 PST
Mean? Shallow?

Oh well.

]]> ~Megan-Malicious http://Megan-Malicious.deviantart.com/journal/21749036/ http://Megan-Malicious.deviantart.com/journal/21749036/ Sun, 30 Nov 2008 13:12:43 PST
School has been a nightmare lately. I get so anxious there. I barely go anymore, and when I do I get bitched at for my poor attendance and that makes the anxiety worse. One of my teachers told me I probably won't graduate because of my grade in his class. I hate my mind. I wish I could just suck it up and deal with the constant anxiety but I just can't. Whatever classes I fail, I'm going to do at night school. I NEED to graduate. And I'm so tired of school. It's all the same.

I've also been on and off meds. I've been put back on Seroquel, and I hated it, so again, I just stopped taking it, even though I know it'll make me better. Then my doctor put me on Geodon. That stuff is awful. It makes me so tired I can't even sit up, and yet I can barely sleep. Thanks, I'll just be bipolar. That with therapy once a week, is really exhausting.

I think my mom's drinking again. Excellent. When I talk about it, people are just like "it's just a couple beers." But they don't know my mom. They never saw her at her worst. Yellow. Unable to walk, or barely speak. Abusive, verbally, and occasionally, physically. The doctor told me her liver is so damaged, it can barely keep her body alive without alcohol. With alcohol, she WILL die. I've begged her to stop. Told her I started cutting because of her constant drinking, and inability to be my mother, that I'd tried to kill myself because it seemed like she just didn't care. I told her in August, I'd just move out. Get myself emancipated. My entire family stands behind that. The school will help me. They all agree it's not healthy for me to be around the constant relapses. I can't live a normal life even after I move out if she does more psychological damage to me. I can't handle that. I love her, but at this point, I realize nothing I do can make her stop. So I'm basically preparing for her to die. What am I going to do? When will it happen? How will I survive? How can I handle losing both my parents so young? It's horrible. When I found bottlecaps in her room, I walked to Subway to see Andrew and cried on his shoulder. My friend who lives with me stayed at her boyfriend's that night, so I didn't even get to see her.

Things are going well with Andrew. I won't go into it, because for once, my private life is private. I'm keeping it that way. I'm glad something is going right.

I don't know what's going on in my life. It's crazy. I'm just trying to survive right now. Eventually I'll pick up my camera or a pen again. But I need inspiration to hit me. I don't want to put up sub- par work just so I have new things up.

Please don't forget about me!

]]> ~Megan-Malicious http://Megan-Malicious.deviantart.com/journal/20730666/ http://Megan-Malicious.deviantart.com/journal/20730666/ Sun, 28 Sep 2008 19:09:59 PDT
I do.

]]> ~Megan-Malicious http://Megan-Malicious.deviantart.com/journal/20497880/ http://Megan-Malicious.deviantart.com/journal/20497880/ Sun, 14 Sep 2008 22:22:28 PDT
If it was contemporary math, I would understand. I WILL need to know how to balance a checkbook if I ever want to live on my own successfully. But no. Imaginary numbers are more important.

Same with science. I don't intend on ever wanting to know ANYTHING about how quickly a pendulum goes. I don't care. Kthxbye.

But obviously, it's not just that. It's "OMG THAT GIRLS OUTFIT IS SO TTLY GROSS."

I'm sick of that. I'm guilty of it to, I don't try to pretend that I'm completely above it. But I'm sick of it. I'm sick of being around that stuff.

I'm sick of the dirty looks. Sick of reading my fucking name on the bathroom stall. Sick of being called a whore.

"You know that Megan Davis chick? Well she did this with HER boyfriend and then she did that and then so and so did something and she's totally just a slut."

Thanks. Because you know the whole story and everything.

And the whole being called ugly thing? What is this? 4th grade? "MEGAN'S UGLY!"

Lol. That's honestly the best you can do? That makes me feel better about myself, if anything. It doesn't "hurt my feelings" it's not like I go home and cry about it. It pisses me off, but I don't lose sleep over it. If you REALLY want to get a rise out of me, think of something more original than just attacking my looks. That shows a lack of both maturity, and intelligence on your part. And then I go and laugh about it to my friends, who are not underclassmen, such as yourself, and mock every little thing about you.

Maybe it's because I'm a senior now, and not only have I matured, but I know more about myself, and am at "the top of the food chain" or what have you, but I feel I'm really starting to come into my own. The first year or two of high school, I was in the state of mind that "Oh he's a junior, he's cool and he like this band and he wears this so I should definately try to be like that. But I'm still totally an individual who shouldn't be labeled. I'm me. I'm original. Oh, look at her hair, maybe I should do that. She's a SENIOR too."

I'm so glad I'm over that. Glad I make decisions for myself now. But at the same time, I'm glad I went through it. Because it brings me lulz to think about just how hard I would troll 14 year old me.

Anyway, I kind of went off on a tangent. I really just want this year to be over. I want to graduate and get away from the stupid bullshit of high school. I honestly don't know what I was so excited about the first day I walked in that place. I know that I will most likely regain most of my sanity as soon as I'm far, FAR away from that place. That part of my life. That PHASE.

Oh, and the jokes about cutting, are getting ridiculously old. That's part of my past. Why can't the low, ridicule be too? That's the only thing that bothers me. Just because I had a stupid habit in the past, doesn't mean I should be forced to cover every inch of my arms for the next coupld years.

But, they're only freshmen.

Sad.




[It looks like the guy in the chair on my mood is getting a blow job.]

]]> ~Megan-Malicious http://Megan-Malicious.deviantart.com/journal/20488281/ http://Megan-Malicious.deviantart.com/journal/20488281/ Sun, 14 Sep 2008 11:48:34 PDT
I'll get more closure when I get my license, and meet the person who killed my dad face to face. And tell him that maybe he should learn how to use a brake pedal. Or perhaps just learn how to fucking drive. And then thank him for taking away the only person who I'd ever been able to depend on.

That may sound petty, it probably is. But the fact of the matter is, it'll held me sleep at night. Seeing his face when I say who I am. I think about it far too often to just not do it.

And I need to remember something about what I'm going through now. Despite how lame the situation is, I am completely in love with someone who I think is pretty incredible, most of the time. I need to focus on that rather than the negative.

SO!

The new goal is to forgive, and move on from everything. I can't let my life from ages 10 - 16, effect the next 60 years of my life. That would be ridiculous.

But at the same time, don't EVER tell me my life "isn't that bad." Because chances are, you don't know everything. No one does. So maybe you shouldn't judge it if you don't know it, hm?






---




I refuse to change my mood until DeviantArt fixes the moods so I can actually see what I'm doing when I pick it, so I don't have to spend 5 minutes looking through all the moods.

]]> ~Megan-Malicious http://Megan-Malicious.deviantart.com/journal/20463548/ http://Megan-Malicious.deviantart.com/journal/20463548/ Fri, 12 Sep 2008 22:40:49 PDT
[Don't feel like changing my mood.]

]]> ~Megan-Malicious http://Megan-Malicious.deviantart.com/journal/20439030/ http://Megan-Malicious.deviantart.com/journal/20439030/ Thu, 11 Sep 2008 13:24:51 PDT
Maybe this is where I belong. Maybe this is healthiest for me. Instead of being happy, and then losing my stability, or just being miserable, I can just sorta be there. I'll probably be less fun. But whatever. It's better than wondering how I'm gonna handle everything that happens.

]]> ~Megan-Malicious http://Megan-Malicious.deviantart.com/journal/20282688/ http://Megan-Malicious.deviantart.com/journal/20282688/ Tue, 02 Sep 2008 01:36:40 PDT -I prefer writing poetry, because I can never commit to anything else.
-I HATE revising. The raw stuff is best to me.
-I think what I write when I'm unexplainably tired is generally, my best.
-I very rarely write happy stuff.
-I don't use couplets often.
-I try to grow with every little thing I write.
-Writing is the reason I fail a lot of my classes, if I'm hit with inspiration, I drop everything and scribble it down. It's something I should really work on.
-I listen to music a lot as I write for inspiration.
-I very rarely like what I write, but that doesn't stop me.
-You can learn more about me by reading my poetry collection, than by talking to me everyday for a year.
-It's rare for me to write about something I haven't experienced.
-I frequently write about unrequited love, because I think it's pretty universal.
-I absolutely hate being forced to write something. And when I am forced to write, it generally comes out horribly.
-I will get on the computer at 330 AM on a school night, just because I thought of a good opening line for a poem. And then I wont go to bed until 530, because I thought of more and more and needed to post them.
-I love it when people give me positive feedback. But who doesn't?
If I could change have a lasting positive impact on one person because of my writing, I would be very happy.
-I constantly hope that I have devoted readers.
-I was entered by my teacher in a poetry contest when I was 9.
-I got published by a scam website. But hey, I'm still published.
-I want to be known for my writing.
-I wish I could sing or play an instrument, so I could turn my stuff into actual songs.
-I WORSHIP Nikki Sixx as a songwriter. I wasnt to be a female version of him. [Minus the heroin...]
-I almost never write when I'm in a good mood.
-My poetry has gotten me put on suicide watch... More than once.
-If some of my writing got into the wrong hands, I'd probably get curbstomped.
-I want to go outside my typical writing, and write something unique and mindblowing.
-I suck at keeping a consistant tense.
-I once wrote a 22 page story in 4 hours. And loved it.
-I had a 7 part short story saga by the time I was 12.
-I would love to be on a Bestseller list.
-Or just have a small but devoted following.
-I want to inspire someone with my writing.

]]> ~Megan-Malicious http://Megan-Malicious.deviantart.com/journal/20226787/ http://Megan-Malicious.deviantart.com/journal/20226787/ Fri, 29 Aug 2008 21:38:59 PDT
]]> ~Megan-Malicious http://Megan-Malicious.deviantart.com/journal/20084838/ http://Megan-Malicious.deviantart.com/journal/20084838/ Thu, 21 Aug 2008 19:42:00 PDT
I was writing an entirely different story, until last night when I was struck by inspiration. I might put it up bit by bit [There's four seperate parts, it's a four year story and I'm dividing it up by year.]

If I put it up it'll be VERY rough and I would LOVE critisizm as long as it's constructive. [Saying "This sucks. You're a terrible writer. This idea is awful. Burn in hell." won't work.]

I must warn you, a lot of my inspiration is based on Twilight. But I'm trying my best to make the plot different, and less stalkery, and the writing less over the top.

]]> ~Megan-Malicious http://Megan-Malicious.deviantart.com/journal/19746194/ http://Megan-Malicious.deviantart.com/journal/19746194/ Sun, 03 Aug 2008 02:59:00 PDT
But first I have to finish Breaking Dawn.

[Yes, I love the Twilight books. Cruicify me.]

]]> ~Megan-Malicious http://Megan-Malicious.deviantart.com/journal/19702454/ http://Megan-Malicious.deviantart.com/journal/19702454/ Thu, 31 Jul 2008 15:09:46 PDT =]

]]> ~Megan-Malicious http://Megan-Malicious.deviantart.com/journal/19685191/ http://Megan-Malicious.deviantart.com/journal/19685191/ Wed, 30 Jul 2008 17:18:08 PDT I like to pretend I'm special.
I like to tell myself I'm artistic.
I like to think I'm creative.
I like to act confident.
I like to wonder if I'm talented.
I like thinking there's no one like me.
I like wishing I improve.
I like hoping my future involves art.
I like telling myself I'm worth something.
I like believing what I hear.

]]> ~Megan-Malicious http://Megan-Malicious.deviantart.com/journal/19649963/ http://Megan-Malicious.deviantart.com/journal/19649963/ Mon, 28 Jul 2008 20:48:10 PDT Bitch.

]]> ~Megan-Malicious http://Megan-Malicious.deviantart.com/journal/19210537/ http://Megan-Malicious.deviantart.com/journal/19210537/ Fri, 04 Jul 2008 22:31:21 PDT I don't meet mine either.
So I guess thats another thing we have in common.
Not that it will ever matter.

]]> ~Megan-Malicious http://Megan-Malicious.deviantart.com/journal/19112195/ http://Megan-Malicious.deviantart.com/journal/19112195/ Sun, 29 Jun 2008 15:31:50 PDT
WHY THE FUCK WONT DEVIANTART LET ME CHANGE MY MOOD?!

]]> ~Megan-Malicious http://Megan-Malicious.deviantart.com/journal/19080366/ http://Megan-Malicious.deviantart.com/journal/19080366/ Fri, 27 Jun 2008 17:49:01 PDT D=
I miss him!
I want him to come home...

]]> ~Megan-Malicious http://Megan-Malicious.deviantart.com/journal/19013183/ http://Megan-Malicious.deviantart.com/journal/19013183/ Tue, 24 Jun 2008 03:08:41 PDT
]]> ~Megan-Malicious http://Megan-Malicious.deviantart.com/journal/19005222/ http://Megan-Malicious.deviantart.com/journal/19005222/ Mon, 23 Jun 2008 16:11:38 PDT
]]> ~Megan-Malicious http://Megan-Malicious.deviantart.com/journal/18975940/ http://Megan-Malicious.deviantart.com/journal/18975940/ Sun, 22 Jun 2008 00:59:45 PDT I had my first day that didn't have something shitty happen! SWEET. I've been waiting for this day for weeks. Tomorrow I get my Rachel, Monday I get my CAMERA [omfg. I want it. Like, now.] And sometime this week I'm getting my proof. [My proof that I actually mean something to Andrew.] I need more good things. Before France. Because there's a gigantic tower in France...
Jk.
I'm so ready for the proof. He said he's gonna keep this promise. This could really turn shit around for me.

[My mood is not hopeless. My comp isn't letting my change it. It's more like, hopeFUL.]

]]> ~Megan-Malicious http://Megan-Malicious.deviantart.com/journal/18882957/ http://Megan-Malicious.deviantart.com/journal/18882957/ Mon, 16 Jun 2008 22:26:00 PDT -To get my license.
-To get new clothes for summer.
-To lose weight.
-To touch up my hair.
-To work on not killing myself.

READY GO.

]]> ~Megan-Malicious http://Megan-Malicious.deviantart.com/journal/18782589/ http://Megan-Malicious.deviantart.com/journal/18782589/ Wed, 11 Jun 2008 11:06:56 PDT Which I would kill an old lady to get.
<3

]]> ~Megan-Malicious http://Megan-Malicious.deviantart.com/journal/18667386/ http://Megan-Malicious.deviantart.com/journal/18667386/ Wed, 04 Jun 2008 18:02:25 PDT But it got me thinking about how quickly that's coming up. It doesn't feel like it's been a year since the last graduation. Will this next year go by as quickly? I feel like a freshman still. And I'm a senior? Bleeding Christ. But at the same time. I'm totally ready for my new beginning. Ready to see what real life has for me. But still it's scary to think about how quickly everything is going to happen. I mean July 28, senior pics. August 25th, first day of senior year. Last Homecoming on Halloween [ridiculous, yes?] and that's also the end of the first term, then before I know it, January 22nd is here. And I begin my last semester of high school. And then it's March 26th. And then the end of May is here.
A year from today, I will be a high school graduate.
A year ago today, I was just a sophomore, not even THINKING about graduating.
Now...

]]> ~Megan-Malicious http://Megan-Malicious.deviantart.com/journal/18309538/ http://Megan-Malicious.deviantart.com/journal/18309538/ Tue, 13 May 2008 17:37:03 PDT What happened to the days when I was self reliant?
I was independant. I didn't need anyone.
Not my parents.
Not friends. [Although I loved them.]
And sure as hell not a guy.
But then I met you.
And more quickly than I realized,
I found myself leaning on you.
And I was telling myself I didn't need you.
I give up.
I need you.
Don't throw that in my face.
Like everyone else I've needed has.

]]> ~Megan-Malicious http://Megan-Malicious.deviantart.com/journal/18091154/ http://Megan-Malicious.deviantart.com/journal/18091154/ Tue, 29 Apr 2008 18:16:06 PDT

Happy birthday to me!

]]> ~Megan-Malicious http://Megan-Malicious.deviantart.com/journal/17387612/ http://Megan-Malicious.deviantart.com/journal/17387612/ Mon, 17 Mar 2008 21:51:32 PDT
]]> ~Megan-Malicious http://Megan-Malicious.deviantart.com/journal/17050680/ http://Megan-Malicious.deviantart.com/journal/17050680/ Sun, 24 Feb 2008 23:54:47 PST
If tomorrow is bad, I won't fail.

]]> ~Megan-Malicious http://Megan-Malicious.deviantart.com/journal/17046431/ http://Megan-Malicious.deviantart.com/journal/17046431/ Sun, 24 Feb 2008 17:44:53 PST the last time we were together,
So I wouldn't have to wake
without you today.
This time I thought things were real.
You said they were,
what happened?
You were a priority,
was I an option?
I let you see a side of me
that I don't share with anyone.
Promises are just words
unless they are fulfilled.
you knew from the beginning
all I had to offer you was my heart,
I'm sorry that wasn't enough.

]]> ~Megan-Malicious http://Megan-Malicious.deviantart.com/journal/17009751/ http://Megan-Malicious.deviantart.com/journal/17009751/ Fri, 22 Feb 2008 13:41:57 PST I waited 8 long months SHE FINALLY SET HIM FREE

]]> ~Megan-Malicious http://Megan-Malicious.deviantart.com/journal/17005939/ http://Megan-Malicious.deviantart.com/journal/17005939/ Fri, 22 Feb 2008 08:52:29 PST
]]> ~Megan-Malicious http://Megan-Malicious.deviantart.com/journal/16970256/ http://Megan-Malicious.deviantart.com/journal/16970256/ Tue, 19 Feb 2008 22:32:42 PST
]]> ~Megan-Malicious http://Megan-Malicious.deviantart.com/journal/16923082/ http://Megan-Malicious.deviantart.com/journal/16923082/ Sun, 17 Feb 2008 02:12:05 PST I try to tell myself I havent changed.
But then I think about who I was when I was friends with Pam...
And I realize I'm in no way the same person.
Do I miss the old me?
No, not really.
I'm just not too sure who the new me is.
The new me has done things the old me would never consider doing, or considered them, and laughed at the idea.
The new me is the type of person the old me would stay away from. The type of person the old me would raise an eyebrow at and say "I'm glad I'm not her."
But maybe that's what growing up is.
Changing.
Becoming someone new.
Trying new things.
Do I like the new me?
Well, I'm not sure.
I've certainly found who I am.
I'm just not quite sure who that is...

]]> ~Megan-Malicious http://Megan-Malicious.deviantart.com/journal/16345708/ http://Megan-Malicious.deviantart.com/journal/16345708/ Thu, 10 Jan 2008 15:25:51 PST
]]> ~Megan-Malicious http://Megan-Malicious.deviantart.com/journal/16175930/ http://Megan-Malicious.deviantart.com/journal/16175930/ Mon, 31 Dec 2007 01:29:03 PST
You'll look at iLovePhotographyGroup.




Here's a little bit more about me, since DA doesn't rely have a sufficient 'About Me' section.

I don't consider myself an artist. Hell, I don't consider myself talented. I consider myself a sixteen year old girl with an artistic mind, and artistic hobbies. I don't consider myself pretty. People tell me I am, but it takes a lot more than words to change my mind. I HATE being hit on online. I come on here to post my "art." Not cyber. I love music. Everything. If you want an idea of my musical taste. Here's the playlist I'm listening to now.

Cat and Mouse - The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus
Attack - 30 Seconds To Mars
Beautiful Tragedy - In This Moment
Alive With the Glory of Love - Say Anything
Empty Glasses - Scary Kids Scaring Kids
Inevitable - Anberlin
Into The Night - Santana ft. Chad Kroeger
Live Is Beautiful - Sixx: AM
We Are Broken - Paramore
When Keeping It Real Goes Wrong - The Wonder Years
Remembering Sunday - All Time Low
Backstabber - The Dresden Dolls
Killing Loneliness - HIM
Damn Regret - RJA
Pray For Me - Sixx: AM
Dirty Business - The Dresden Dolls
If You Can't Leave It Be, Might As Well Make It Bleed - Dashboard Confessional
Creep - Radiohead
Emergency - Paramore
Salt In Our Wounds - HIM
That Is Why - Say Anything
FMLYHM - Seether
Girlfriend - Avril Lavigne
Lying Is The Most Fun A Girl Can Have Without Taking Her Clothes Off - Panic! At The Disco
The Pot - Tool
Broken [Live] - Seether
Snow White Queen - Evanescence

Music is my life. Don't insult what I like. Let me have my opinions. Thats what makes life interesting, opinions. I like to read. But only things that interest me.

Currently reading:
1984 - George Orwell [for school]
The Heroin Diaries - Nikki Sixx
Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs - Chuck Klosterman

]]> ~Megan-Malicious http://Megan-Malicious.deviantart.com/journal/16169430/ http://Megan-Malicious.deviantart.com/journal/16169430/ Sun, 30 Dec 2007 16:10:07 PST I don't know how it got there.
But it's pissing me off.

]]> ~Megan-Malicious http://Megan-Malicious.deviantart.com/journal/15885668/ http://Megan-Malicious.deviantart.com/journal/15885668/ Tue, 11 Dec 2007 01:57:16 PST
Today is December 11th. In eight days it will be December 19th. Why is that signifigant? Because. On December 19, 2006; my dad was killed. It's something that if it's not the main focus, is still always in the back of my mind. So I got my wish. I got Andrew out of my head. And then thinking about the 19th got in there. And now I'm kinda wishing I kept my thoughts the way they were. Because this really is hell. Nothing compares to losing a parent. I dont want to say losing someone else is less hard. It's just a different kind of hard. I mean. Lets think about it. I've lost my grandmother who I was exteremely close to. Siblings [through miscarraiges, yes. But it's still not exactly fun.] Aunts, uncles. But nothing was like my dad dying. I'll never forget that day. It was so fucking... I can't even think of the word. Hard is too obvious and not enough. Gut wrenching? No, that doesn't sum it up. Mind blowing. I think that does it. Its still completely in my memory. Every moment. Waking up and looking out my fucked up blinds. It was light out. That was odd for late December, it was Tuesday. I had to go to school. Was it snowing? Who cares, I'm not in school. I woke up again, where's dad's truck? There must be snow. He must be held up at work. But wait. Whats that white car doing here? Oh well. I'm going back to sleep. I wake up again, this time moms waking me up. Fuck it must be time for school. Why does she want to talk? Jesus what did I do now? I bet I'm suspended. Maybe they found more suicide things. Where's dad? Mom seems really calm so everything must be fine.

"Whats going on?"
"It's dad"
fuck!
"Was he shot?"
"No. He was hit by a car."
"Well is he okay?"
"No. He's dead"

This is where the shock sets in. This is where the disbelief take over. This is where the room starts to spin. This is where the tears start to fall, this is where the screams start. This couldn't be happening right? After all the other shit that's happened to me? How could the worst possible thing ever happen? I just wanted to fucking run. Go the hell away. Run from everything. Run from my life. What's funny was that I really did think it was a dream... People always say "is this a dream?" But no. I really thought it was. This was too crazy. This really couldn't be happening... right? I actually thought it might be a dream for a few days. Well, hours. I thought something positive was going to happen up until the funeral. Like, he was going to come home and say "what the fuck? dude. I just had to go cover something in California. Dumb fucks." I remember being in Laurens car the day it happened, and laughing. Because I knew this couldn't be happening. I knew something wasn't right. I remember smiling when I told people. Like Ian. Him asking why I wasn't auditioning and smiling and saying "Oh, my dad died this morning." I've learned why I do that. Sometimes I hurt so bad, I can't help but laugh. Because crying just isn't enough. People looked at me weird as I laughed hysterically while telling them. But they didn't have any fucking clue what was going on in my head. Neither did I to be honest... Then the funeral. Thats when I realized he wasn't coming back. When everyone came back out from the casket room [They needed someone to identify the body. Me and my mom couldn't do it. We didn't want to see him... Like that.] and seeing their faces. Solumn. Emotionless. And then me breaking that horrible silence that filled the room. "...It's him?" Why did I ask? Of course it was. They nodded. Fuck. Then it was time. We walked back a hallway. My mom was behind me with his sister, my cousins weren't too far behind. Why I lead this little train is still beyond my realm of understanding. I guess my mom didn't want to be, and no one else felt comfortable. And then seeing it... His casket. Knowing my dad was in it. My dad was in the room, but not alive. He was just, lying in a pine box with flowers on top. Immediately, I didn't even have time to process it, I started to cry. Not just cry, fucking lose it. I've never cried that hard. I actually ran to the casket. Why? Because I didn't have the strength to hold myself up. I needed something to support me. Oddly enough I was the first to throw myself on the... ]]> ~Megan-Malicious