deviantART: by:MiNiSoRcErEsS

deviantART: by:MiNiSoRcErEsS http://search.deviantart.com/?q=by:MiNiSoRcErEsS&section=today deviantART RSS for by:MiNiSoRcErEsS en-us Copyright 2009, deviantART.com Tue, 08 Dec 2009 12:04:42 PST deviantART.com http://blogs.law.harvard.edu/tech/rss http://s.deviantart.com/minish/widgets/apple-touch-icon-precomposed.png escapism http://MiNiSoRcErEsS.deviantart.com/journal/28653382/ http://MiNiSoRcErEsS.deviantart.com/journal/28653382/ Sun, 29 Nov 2009 14:35:19 PST

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note me

my friend is writing a paper on it.
i'm jealous.

sorry anyway xD

i figured i'd write a journal because doing anything that involved school made me wanna throw up a little, well more than a little actually quite a bit and i don't have toilet cleaning supplies so really...

i hope everyone had an awesome break!! cuz i did!!

i missed everyone like...like...more than bella missed edward in new moon BLAME STEPH FOR THIS COMPARISON THIS SHIT IS STUCK IN MY HEAD
enter yesterday:
tony: i'm always warm
me: maybe you're turning into a werewolf

i'm a terrible terrible person and i'm ashamed xD

this week was awesome.
all wednesday i played the sims and I HAD ANOTHER KID YOU GUYS!! so now i have quentyn and will

quentyn has more inherent skills than will, but dammit, people like will more...they were both born with glasses ;; isn't that adorable?
thursday was okay. we hosted thanksgiving at my house, i had the joyous task of watching justin and kaylee and teaching them to make gingerbread. unfortunately these children are not patient enough or neat enough for this task xD so i made them some really good houses while they ate/threw candy/left. not to mention a certain tony and dylan duo taught justin racism, thanks you two, i am never leaving you two together without supervision again...
friday was fun!! i got to see my precious stephalefacus and have good peppermint mochas and see new moon with the hilarious black guy yucking it up and making fun of everyone sd;lkgdkf he was hilarious xD and we braved the mall which was sweet tits as i scared the fuck out of tony who was shopping for me, oh ho ho. the day ended with change being thrown down my shirt [i am only worth a nickel D:] and lady gaga singing.
and saturday was fun too!! cuz i got to see tony after dinner and we narrowly avoided destroying heather's car and there was more peppermint mocha involved and being disgustingly cute in public.
today was less fun but

best thanksgiving break overall.
i really really miss everyone like a bitch. i really do. so i can't wait to do this again C:
i might possibly have a huge christmas party so look forward to this.
plus no secret santa. which steph can certainly rejoice to.

i only have this week of classes and then finals so soon all i'll have to worry about is getting good christmas presents and playing the sims well.
i like that future a lot xDD

SO PROMISE ME I'LL SEE YOU OVER WINTER BREAK
BECAUSE IF NOT
YOU'LL CRUSH MY HEART ;;

ps:
from now on i will bitch less i promise
because i'm sick of being a negative nancy.

]]> ~MiNiSoRcErEsS whyyy helllo dereee http://MiNiSoRcErEsS.deviantart.com/journal/28378566/ http://MiNiSoRcErEsS.deviantart.com/journal/28378566/ Sun, 15 Nov 2009 15:40:40 PST i write so many DEEP THINGS here xD

hayyy everybodyy!!

so after a terrible week [good weekend though yay C: ], i really thought about stuff and decided on things.

i really need to start holding myself accountable for my actions.
all my life i've kind of rationalized things, or remained ignorant, simply because sometimes just saying things to myself scared me. i kind of scared me. but i never really did anything about it.
i need to start being proactive with my life. i've kind of let other people, or other people's beliefs drive my life, i feel like it's time i take the wheel because i'm assured i know what's best

and even if i don't, at least i tried.

i view this college as a prison.
and that isn't really a healthy thought, and i don't think it's because of the college, i think it's for other reasons i simply cannot put my finger on.
but for once today, i wasn't devastated to come back to school. i know school is hard and i am relatively up for the challenge. i'm really proud of myself for working as hard as i do.

that being said, i really miss writing, but i have a hard time writing because i'm so focused on school that it's hard to unhinge my jaws and bite into creative stuff, if that makes any sense at all.
it's hard to go into fantasy when you're required to stay in reality 24/7.
i just want to make great storylines, and great characters, and i don't care if anyone reads it or finds it remotely good. i just want to do this, for myself. i hope that's understandable.
and i really want to get into poetry again, i miss making comparisons and stuff.

i have every intention of going to the counseling center tomorrow to work out my personal problems. the more i think about it, the more i realize that i should have started this a fairly long time ago. i was depressed all throughout my childhood. i should have done something about this. i would really like to enjoy life, and enjoy myself, and get to the root of why i feel the way i do about certain things.
i'm just scared to go myself. but i'll ask a friend to see if they'll come with me. it's scary doing things alone D:

overall i'm much better than i've been.
although the other day, my friend told me that she didn't believe in depression and that it was simply weakness, and that suicide was stupid and selfish, and she mocked people. that same day, most of the people in my psychology class laughed at that sort of thing.
it really bothered me, i think the intolerance really bothers me, because so many people wrote me off all throughout my life, that having to go through the same thing at a college level that i did at a middle school level is...sickening, i guess.
mental illness isn't weakness. suicide isn't stupid. i know that. i wish the rest of the world did too. those who deal with illness are incredibly strong, and i think they're all heroes in their own right. because those who are still alive fight every single day, and they win, which is really commendable.

i know some people just don't understand, so no, i'm not mad at them, they were raised a different way and probably never had exposure to such things. i just wished people educated themselves though. tolerance is so important.

...
i really went off track there.
anyway i'm going to try to start writing more because i like it, and it makes me happy, and if my school work suffers a little bit i don't really care because the end of the semester is coming and i already did a damn good job

i really miss you guys. i hope you know that. <3

]]> ~MiNiSoRcErEsS Peer Pressure http://MiNiSoRcErEsS.deviantart.com/journal/28151685/ http://MiNiSoRcErEsS.deviantart.com/journal/28151685/ Wed, 04 Nov 2009 21:05:13 PST
Anyway uhm.
I still have yet to schedule an appointment with a counselor. I know that this is an important thing to do because either I'm going to overcome the awfulness or it will devour me, but it definitely won't lie dormant for a long period of time.
But my mom acknowledged that I have depression today which meant a lot to me because that term was never used for me. Ever. So I think that means a lot. I feel a little validated and like I'm not crazy.
Yay <3

But I will make that appointment because I know I'm going to need it. I'm sick of pressure and stuff always being on my shoulders D: I mean I really really love helping people with their problems!! Just sometimes I honestly don't have the answers and when people text me in despair in this sort of strange succession I kind of run out of solutions.
So maybe that would be nice to bring up D: Because I want to help. Really.

In other newsssss
I'm getting good grades!! And I'm staying on top of stuff. It makes me feel good.
And I think I'm going to stick with Neuroscience and just pretend I'm working my way up to an episode of House or something xDD because then I feel like MY FUTURE IS SUPER EXCITING. But I really don't want any more schooling. I know grad school is important but I can just as easily get a job somewhere with my expertise and work my way up
Because apparently I am quite the impressive student
DON'T TELL ME WHAT I ALREADY KNOW AMIRITEGUYZ.
No it makes me feel good to know that my teachers are impressed with me. Besides my math teacher but lol. Yeah. Uhm.
Berea's Children's Home is hiring and I would love to hop on that bandwagon.
Yay Psych and Neuroscience. I feel cool.

Everything else is going good. I mean relatively. I freaked out Saturday night-Sunday morning but I'm just kind of a pussy so that's understandable. It's been a calm week annnddd I got to hang out with people so that's always nice. And I got to write a little bit and do a lot of research.
I feel good right now. Unfortunately I can't guarantee that I will feel good, you know, 12 hours from now but right now...
Walking in the dark is my favoritest thing to do to get my mind off of stuff. It's working. Although I suppose it's dangerous since some dude almost got shanked at the bus stop the other night
But that's besides the point. It's all good in this hood, dudes.

How are yooou?

]]> ~MiNiSoRcErEsS Let's Make This Better http://MiNiSoRcErEsS.deviantart.com/journal/27938131/ http://MiNiSoRcErEsS.deviantart.com/journal/27938131/ Sat, 24 Oct 2009 09:44:22 PDT I had to leave my dorm really fast so the whole thought process is kind of incomplete.
You get the idea though: not happy, have to do something about it.
So I will.

I don't like Neuroscience.
I tried to like it. Some things are interesting. But I don't necessarily care what parts of the brain/spinal cord make you do certain things. I'm more interested in the behavior aspect, the psychology of it. I'll just say that I'm happy for this class, but I'll leave my medical interests to health shows and such

Besides, Neuroscience won't take me anywhere that interesting. I can do Pharmacology, which is a big NO THANKS. I can become a neurologist. But, I'm not interested enough. It's tons of money to do something I'm only slightly interested in.

Do I like Psychology? I fucking love it.
I'm good at it, I knew I would be. Do I really want to become a psychologist, pay all this money to listen to people bitch and moan?
No. Not really, I get enough of that simply being me. I still would love to help children, Child Psychology sounds interesting but like people have told me...I would take my job home with me. I couldn't be detached. I would literally toss and turn all night because of a patient.
I still want to major in psychology, definitely. I don't know what I want to do with it, though. I love social psychology, the whole why we're good/why we're evil. I spent 8 hours studying that chapter and the experiments that went along with it. I've never had that kind of devotion before. I'm just like, sitting there studying going 'THIS IS SO BADASS ;;' which made me happy!!
So I get that. Mhmm.

Besides that, I haven't a clue. I'm just worried about finding a job. I don't want to do all these years of schooling, which I should take into consideration. I have a lot of thinking to do. I just know that I want to be happy with my decision.

Do I like BW? Parts of it. I like my friends, I like the Cybercafe, I like Professor Mickley, I like the Rec Center, and I hate everything else. I was hoping I would like it once I went there D: I don't really want to transfer, it seems like such a hassle, this is what I was afraid of. If I didn't have friends there I'd leave...but at this point...I don't know, it seems like a lot of work. But I feel like getting a boring education at a school with lots of trees is kind of a waste of my money xD like AMIJUSTPAYINFORFOLIAGE. I don't know.

To be honest, I don't even like college. I mean I think it's awesome that I'm learning more. I feel so much more intelligent but xD I'm just not...happy with college. I can't just drop out, you know. Everyone would be so disappointed, and I do want an education. I just feel like my place is elsewhere, I just don't know where it is.
I really hope my mom and aunt open up their restaurant. I would love to work there.

I feel like my place isn't in school, but in the real world now. I don't like this buffer time. I mean the first month was 'yaylookathowgrownupiam' but now I'm kind of over the whole idea D:
I feel like leaving college is a cop-out though. I don't know. People say it's the best time of your life but I kind of think they're wrong.

I hope I know sometime soon. I don't want to waste my money where it's not needed. D:

And I promise I'll have a healthier attitude about food. Like I told Nick, I made a food schedule!! I think it'll work out. I'll try to stop viewing food as an enemy. And I'm still gonna work out! But I won't be unhealthy about it. It's just a nice stress reliever, definitely.

These are all goals and I'm excited to get cracking.

Thanks guys. I LOVEEE YOUUU.

]]> ~MiNiSoRcErEsS . http://MiNiSoRcErEsS.deviantart.com/journal/27910645/ http://MiNiSoRcErEsS.deviantart.com/journal/27910645/ Thu, 22 Oct 2009 17:39:20 PDT
I've been in college for 2 months now. Actually a little over 2 months.
Do to hardwork, lack of good food, and simple lack of time I've lost 2 pants sizes and almost all of my clothes do not fit how they used to. I had to go shopping, because my pants were literally falling down, and my shirts were literally drowning me.
I haven't even lost a pantsize within the last two years. To suddenly, in two months, lose that kind of weight? That's weird to me. I didn't even notice until I went shopping.
Why? Because I'm stressed the fuck out, and I'm not eating enough, and I'm exercising too much, and I hate to say this but I have a problem.
I always have I just never wanted to say anything.
I always based my value as a human being on weight. My personality didn't matter. Nothing else mattered to me. My moods are based on how little I eat and how much I exercise. My self worth is based on the number on my jeans.
Every day is a battle for me. When I wake up, from the beginning. I plan every fucking bite, I count every little calorie, sometimes I eat less than 700 calories a day and I go do cardio for an hour because I don't feel like I deserved to eat.
I don't know why I'm so fucked up like that and I know it's a problem and I know I should do something but I'm so sick of being this troubled person. I don't know why I can't just be normal for once. I have it the best out of a lot of people I know but I still have all of these serious issues and it just makes me mad. I don't deserve to have any sort of attention on me. I don't.
That wasn't what I planned on writing about but that all came spewing out.
But you don't understand the intense phobia I have about gaining weight. A single pound. You don't understand, if you've never been obese, you don't understand what that's like, especially as a child. My parents want to deny that they did any harm and maybe I was just predisposed to eat too much, but it was a problem. People treat you differently. They look at you differently. So even though I have this problem, even though it can eat unhealthy, I'm not going to address it until I'm where I want to be.
I don't care if that's ludicrous. I already know.

And hell, am I happy? I have no idea. Sometimes I feel happy, when I'm with my friends or talking to Tony or just talking to someone that I knew before college. But here? No, I'm not happy here. And it's not because I'm lazy and don't want to do work. It's how I'm treated. It's what this place has done to me that's changed me. I barely sleep, I barely eat, I work myself so hard that I take it out on other people.
And it KILLS me because so many people rely on me for advice, and I give them my all and they just ignore me and shit on my ideas
You don't know what that does to me.
And I'm finding that I'm always much, much more emotional here than anywhere I've ever been. I'm crying or manically happy within the same hour, I don't understand why. My mind is always on overdrive, between etiquette to living with people who don't like me to having all of this stuff to do to keeping people happy, and so much more. I am going to break. I know I'm going to break, it's entirely unavoidable, I just hope it's not soon.

And I know this all sounds entirely dismal.
I don't know what to do either, my friends.
So I think I'm going to ride the waves and see if I can change and fix things. Because if I'm not happy, what's the point?

]]> ~MiNiSoRcErEsS HI CAN I HAVE A MINUTE C: http://MiNiSoRcErEsS.deviantart.com/journal/27844664/ http://MiNiSoRcErEsS.deviantart.com/journal/27844664/ Sun, 18 Oct 2009 21:18:45 PDT TO GUSH ABOUT MY SPECTACULAR BOYFRIEND <<<<<<33333

KAY WELL SINCE YOU ASKED
kd;lfg

i loves him so much
and and and he makes my life
and he's so adorable and it makes my stomach feel funny
but but a good funny where i kind of want to swoon
because he's so damn adorable

and and and
he always texts me/calls me in the morning and at night to make sure i slept good and to make sure i know he loves me and
he texts me all throughout the day making sure i'm having a good day
and he tells me he loves me at least thirty times throughout the day
and for sweetest day he gave me adorable flowers and a STUFFED BEAR WITH A VEST to go along with pooh bear as he's lonely!!
and he surprises me by standing outside my dorm and calling me and telling me to open the door because it's cold when i had NO IDEA HE WAS EVEN IN TOWN XD

and he tells me how awesome/smart/pretty/funny/adorable/sweet/kind i am all the time without any prompting whatsoever and he says cute things in tense situations to make me want to squish his face in because they're that adorable
AND WE GOT TO PET BUNNIESSS!! and he promised me someday we'll get a bunny farm because i asked and made sad faces
and he looks me in the eye when he talks to me and he's always sincere about stuff
and and and his family is so so so so nice to me and they tell me they love me which makes me smile!
and even if my interests are nerdy he thinks they're cute xD like 'NO YOU'RE NOT A NERD YOU'RE JUST SO DAMN ADORABLE'
and he hugs me like it's going out of style
and he tries to let me win at chess and checkers, even though i am, in fact, so bad at it this feat is impossible.
and he has the most comfy shoulder!! <3 IT'S LIKE A VORTEX OF WARMTH
AND WE BOTH MAKE LITERARY JOKES OH HOW PRETENTIOUS
and and and
he is never passive aggressive and he never blames me for his problems and he's not all in it for sex and he doesn't expect me to change my religion and he doesn't stalk me at the mall and he has no intentions of knocking me up within the first month of knowing me and he doesn't stalk my internet stuffs like all of the other weirdos that were in my life

IAMSOHAPPY
HI
: D

i'm done now
carry on with your important bizniz.

sorry just
i don't have anyone to gush to
as the majority of my friends are dudes and they're all 'EW'
and the girls don't care/get mad
xDD

]]> ~MiNiSoRcErEsS I MISS EVERYONE http://MiNiSoRcErEsS.deviantart.com/journal/27689989/ http://MiNiSoRcErEsS.deviantart.com/journal/27689989/ Sat, 10 Oct 2009 15:13:55 PDT TELL ME HOW YOU ARE
AND RECIPROCATE MY FEELINGS OF MISSING

:C

]]> ~MiNiSoRcErEsS tingss http://MiNiSoRcErEsS.deviantart.com/journal/26984073/ http://MiNiSoRcErEsS.deviantart.com/journal/26984073/ Wed, 02 Sep 2009 18:49:21 PDT of course.
we all knew they would EVEN I KNEW i am just an overdramatic chumpo.

things were really really awkward for a while but
there are a few nice people here, and after endless amounts of being super-ass-fucking-titties-social, i found some people i mesh with.
plus there is a hogwarts club at bw.
so uhm i feel at home.

although the food sucks.
and there's too much homework
but honestly just the fact that i'm handling all of this homework makes me super proud of me. like I CAN READ 100 PAGES AND TAKE NOTES ALL IN ONE NIGHT.
so i am really proud of myself.
although now i have no idea what i want to do with my life.
mrgh see here is the dealio my compadres.

i wanted to be a child clinical psychologist with a specialization in GLBT issues. specifically being all yay advocate-y.
i was going to major in psychology and neuroscience to have a sciencey base.
but i hate. hate. hate neuroscience.
like i guess it's interesting but uhm they brought out a human brain and i almost passed out so. since it will only get grosser i don't really think this is the right major for me.
i'm glad i figured this out
so reevaluating my life, i'm not sure what to do. i still want to help out in GLBT issues but...ugh idk.
i would love to work for hrc but i don't want to do something boring.
i don't know. LIFE ISSUESSS.

my boyfriend is currently telling dead baby jokes
i thought you would like to know.
yeah he...he makes a lot of friends...
....i love him xD

ANYWAY.

i don't really know how i should go about this
i'll have to talk to my adviser.
even though telling him i want to quit neuroscience is weird seeing as he's a neuroscience professor and won't be my adviser anymore once i switch majors.
he was cool. i'll miss him.

uhm.
i like being away from home. it's nice to spontaneously walk places and feel self-sufficient. i mean, when i come home and stay for a while it's kind of sad to have to share spaces again but...it's not bad.
plus my parents are happy i'm gone. actually. they seem happier which is a surprise. which is the biggest relief to me, i think. my mom calls once in a while but my dad doesn't care haha. awesome. HE'S ALWAYS BEEN THE WARM ONE.

mostly it's just lots of studying and finding yourself shit.
but i'm happy and this is important

]]> ~MiNiSoRcErEsS Foresight http://MiNiSoRcErEsS.deviantart.com/journal/26619385/ http://MiNiSoRcErEsS.deviantart.com/journal/26619385/ Sat, 15 Aug 2009 23:08:52 PDT Haven't posted in a while. I guess I've been meaning to. Just didn't.

School is starting soon. Orientation is the 18th, class starts the 24th. Basically, once the 18th hits, I'll be away from home finally. I'm kind of excited about leaving home, but honestly that's really the only part I'm excited about. I pretty much can't stand anything else.

I feel like I'm betraying people by going to college. No one wants me to go. Everyone's freaking out on me, and I'm scared enough as it is. I don't know what to do.

While I know it's just college, it's a different place filled with different people. It was not my place of choice. These really aren't people I find friendship in. I'll certainly try, and try hard, but over all, I'm more depressed and horrified about leaving than I am happy. And for some reason, no one can make me feel better about it. So I can't help but sit here I wish I could think of some way of getting out of this place and going to the college I actually want to be at, with people I get along with and a campus I already know, closer to my boyfriend where I don't have to worry about if he'll find someone better.

It all sounds totally self-depreciating and irrational, and here's the fun thing IT IS. I know it is, for a fact. I'll look back on this and probably laugh. But I didn't really want things to be this way. I had such a different plan in mind. It all seems so wrong to me.

Just a lot of things are going on and I don't feel in control in the least. My life was pretty much derailed and uprooted earlier this year and now that it's happening yet again, it feels like it's too much to take. Not to mention I've changed so much I hardly have an idea of who I am.

I'm just kind of sick of being strong for people when I don't feel like that at all. My friends are freaking out, my family, I don't know. It's so hard for me to be strong for them all. I can't guarantee anything. I can't guarantee that I won't change, or that I'll have time for them, or that I still need them like I needed them before. My parents are so afraid of me growing up and because they held on so tightly, I feel as though me growing up disappoints them. All they talk about is death anymore. Like now that I'm going to college, there's nothing else to do. How the hell am I supposed to handle all that? I want to break away, but I almost feel as though I can.

And I feel so weird, loving one person so completely not even six months ago, and suddenly loving this other person now. I feel wrong. Did I have time to move on, I don't know, I think so, but how am I supposed to know when my mind is totally clouded by everything else? He's perfect and amazing but I'd never, ever, ever want to give him anything less than my all, and that's all I've been giving, just because I'm so overwhelmed with things.

I don't really say it, but I'm kind of an utter mess. It seems like so much is against me all the time. I'm not going to give up, I'll never do that.

You can see why I haven't written anything since about March. I've been so preoccupied...I know I think too much, but that's gotten me pretty far, right?

I just wish I was more prepared for everything that was coming my way. In a sense I wish I could just unload everything I'm feeling on someone like I used to, but that's entirely selfish and I can't do that anymore. So it's new, dealing with everything I've internalized like this. I haven't really even begun unloading on here. Some things I want to keep to myself.

So basically: I'm a total wreck and I cannot wait until things get better. Because I know they will. I just wish they would right now.

]]> ~MiNiSoRcErEsS Gratuitous http://MiNiSoRcErEsS.deviantart.com/journal/25115164/ http://MiNiSoRcErEsS.deviantart.com/journal/25115164/ Wed, 03 Jun 2009 20:40:42 PDT you were everything for far too long
you were the sun and the stars in the sky
and i was just this infinitesimal thing
and i stared and stared and you never stared back
not until i started shining too
brighter than you
and you made it rain, and rain, and rain
i tried to stop shining, put a damper on myself
but that was hell
you were no longer the sun
just one. just one person looking up at me
and in your rage you shot me down
you brought me down to you
and i was nothing again
because you wouldn't let me glow
well i'll let you know
stay grounded and vindictive
and i hope the sparkle is gone from you
you don't deserve it
and i'll be as high as can be
i'll be me
without you
because now i am everything
and you are this infinitesimal thing
and i'll out-glow you for all it's worth
because i am happy, without you
i can shine without you
i will shine without you.

there is no going back
thank god.
do me a favor and leave me alone
do us both a favor.
i'm not yours anymore
nor do i think i ever was...

So.
Instead of sleeping, I just thought I'd update
Writing is...virtually nonexistent right now, I just don't feel any need to write. I basically only write when I'm unhappy, which is a sad quality to have. Discount my journal poetry. If it's poetry. It's more like a middle finger in verse.
More importantly.
I am finally mentally well. Entirely.
I realized that my ex was a bad guy and that my current is a good guy
And that teenage love is silly and angsty but darn it all we still do it anyway huuuuhhhh.
It's just nice to feel like everything is just perfect. For once. I haven't felt that way in a really long time.
I can't wait to graduate. It's scary but I think I'm up for it because being afraid of people is sad. Plus everyone is going through it too so why not take this opportunity to start out on the right foot? Because I've never started out on the right foot because I was too scared.
So. Yay.
So, homoclown, if you're reading this, you know that I am more than capable of handling myself, without you, because I won't come crawling back to you, because you hurt me with everything you had in you, and I simply refuse to let you toy with my feelings anymore.
It's nice to be treated right for a change.
Better luck next time.
I won't restrict myself from writing journals even though I know you'll read them and I'm not responsible for what I say so if it hurts your feelings, tough titties my friend.
Suck it.

]]> ~MiNiSoRcErEsS Electric Boogaloo. http://MiNiSoRcErEsS.deviantart.com/journal/24555159/ http://MiNiSoRcErEsS.deviantart.com/journal/24555159/ Sat, 02 May 2009 20:34:16 PDT How my relationships can be so dysfunctional when, by today's standards, I've led a normal life.
I'm not really sure where got this whole 'slhljfhgpleasedon'tleave' thing but I am not a big fan...
How can someone be so indifferent to themselves? Like 'MISTREAT ME IT'S OKAY JUST DON'T LEAVE DDD:'
I'm pretty...sure there's something wrong with that. I don't know where I got that mentality but it had reared it's ugly head a few times in the past years and it is not a healthy, productive thing.
Thang*. My bad.

Okay. I get it. The relationship was for 3 years and a person can't get over it in just a month and be expected to be entirely normal but I'm really sick of thinking about it and whining about him like 'waaaaahhh i mizz him' and other things.
I like to think of myself as normal D: at least a little.
I want to move on, can all this stuff just go away please...

Sorry. Done.
How creativity has been stifled. I'm not...too happy...
I've written things but they're not particularly good or meaningful. You know when you analyze poetry in class and even in the strangest metaphors there's meaning? Yeah, mine just seem to be lying there for show. They may sound nice and like they mean something, but upon close inspection they don't. There is no faking in poetry.
It's like a sculptor putting a penis on a guy's chest. Someone thinks it has significance but the sculptor was just trying to be edgy.
I don't know how this is anything like a sculptor putting a penis on a guy's chest SEE I TALK JUST TO TALK. It all comes full circle.
I wish I could be like TS Eliot D:

Anyway I'm really not this unpleasant. For some reason when I come on my journals I feel like I have to be serious and professional.
Straaaaaangeee.
I've been getting better. There's lots of hope and the future is looking better and better. College isn't as scary of a thought and moving sounds kind of exciting. It really is assured that I could never fall back in love with him again after what he did to me so I have no motivation to fall back, only to go forward. And I officially only have 12 pounds left to lose WHICH MEANS I am the skinniest I have been in almost 8 years. Getting to my goal doesn't seem to daunting now that I only have about ten pounds left when four years ago I had about seventy.
So things are good and I am content. I'm very tired so I'm going to go to sleep.
I hope my creativity will come back!

]]> ~MiNiSoRcErEsS Abject http://MiNiSoRcErEsS.deviantart.com/journal/24094762/ http://MiNiSoRcErEsS.deviantart.com/journal/24094762/ Mon, 06 Apr 2009 14:01:08 PDT It's not the atom-smasher or terrorists or the Anti-Christ or anything so tangible. It's watching someone you care about deeply destroy themselves and knowing that there isn't anything you can do about it.

I'm not that type of person who just sits around and lets other people hurt themselves. If there was something I could do about it, I'd do it or else I'd feel it just as bad, if not worse because being empathetic is awful. I wouldn't care how much patching it took, I'd help because I felt a burning obligation to do something about it. It wasn't anything I could ignore.

And not being able to do anything is the worst feeling I've had in a long time. Because the purpose of my life is to protect other people and if I can't then what's really the point? It makes me a failure. I've never successfully saved anyone and I'm not sure if that's more about me or it's more about human nature. But either way it's my nature, and if my nature fails then what really is there? I can't change my nature and I just keep failing so am I a failure by nature? Am I destined to continuously fail in my most basic efforts?

I know it isn't healthy to ponder but it's important. Because if I have to go against my nature to be happy, then how does that make any sense? No one ever needs saving. They pretend they do but they're dismissive. Or they do it for attention. Or they're just over dramatizing everything. Or countless other things that never add up to "thank you for helping me".

Everything in my life has been achieved through strings of abject failure. Failing to be one of the popular kids, failing to be successful, failing at certain talents or just failing to fail. My life is practically destined to be all kinds of failure but I'm not sad about it because I have achieved good friends and other things through it, like experience. So maybe it's not failure, maybe we're all destined to be failures and in all of our failures is success.

And that's life <3

]]> ~MiNiSoRcErEsS Rationale http://MiNiSoRcErEsS.deviantart.com/journal/23939651/ http://MiNiSoRcErEsS.deviantart.com/journal/23939651/ Sat, 28 Mar 2009 19:00:38 PDT That I admit with no qualms or hesitations. I know that I consistently waffle and I'm awful at making decisions
All throughout today I've just been wondering if what I did was worth it
If it's really so right to throw away four years like that
Even if it's not myself that threw away the four years. I was just the one that set the boundaries.
Yet I'm not ready for it to end. Or maybe I am. I don't think I'd ever know
The worst thing about losing a lover is that you also lose your best friend. There isn't anyone to care about your smallest victories, your horrible sadness or your little random thoughts in depth the way a lover is supposed to.
And I know this could have worked if he has just tried a little harder.
It's awful. It's not fair. I'm trying to be an adult about it yet I can't seem to wrap my head around the idea that this is good.
I feel as if I'm the only one who's felt this way. Which is silly and for lack of a better word, RIDONKULOUS. Everyone's gone through this before, I'm just a drama queen, so it seems.

Dammit all, I loved him D:
Sometimes people can be so effing disappointing.

But that's okay. The sadness will ebb away over time! Positive thinking!

I'll have tons of breakup writings up soon, I assure you, because I have no other way to cope really.
No one took us seriously so no one is really interested in my drama. And I feel bad ever bringing it up because honestly who wants to listen to me whine, I don't even want to listen to me whine. I wish people took us seriously. I kind of wanted to get married and laugh in their faces but I guess they knew better than me. Well played, compadres.
Enjoy it. Honestly. Writing nasty things to this guy was the most eloquent and honest thing I've ever written.

Okay. Bitching over.
Thanks everyone for looking at my stuff

It makes me happy that people care after I've been so disconnected.
Sorry I just whined the whole journal. I kind of needed to.
Plus I was just at my cousin's party and he had a few of his friends over and none of them eye-felt me up or came up to me and tried to hit on me like what is common so I felt kind of crappy about myself. Like why can't these stupid teenage boys think I'm pretty what grease monkeys D:
It was an unfair thing to think but I don't really care.
<3

]]> ~MiNiSoRcErEsS Demerit http://MiNiSoRcErEsS.deviantart.com/journal/23924388/ http://MiNiSoRcErEsS.deviantart.com/journal/23924388/ Fri, 27 Mar 2009 20:42:35 PDT
Today is the start of something huge.
Just got out of a practically four year parasitic relationship that made me want to vomit. <3
Done, over with, glad.
How many times can a person get cheated on and take it, 0 should be the answer, about 5 for me it seems. But nonetheless I don't need a pet project, I just need stability. Eventually. Last thing I want to do it rebound on someone, that's not nice

Creatively I've been kind of slowly chugging along but I do have some things I haven't posted up that I think I will.
After all they weren't bad, I was just being silly and moody.
I'll get back to all of that, it will be a good idea I think!
Plus now I'll have tons of inspiration
Love is such a weird thing D: I can't even be that sad about it because maybe I knew all along that this would never work out. I guess I was too strong for him.
I'm so mentally buff.

That's all. Thought you'd like an update

Hi you guys. I missed you <3

]]> ~MiNiSoRcErEsS lolbai. http://MiNiSoRcErEsS.deviantart.com/journal/23203775/ http://MiNiSoRcErEsS.deviantart.com/journal/23203775/ Sat, 14 Feb 2009 19:49:43 PST I don't like coming on here after weeks and weeks on end to find super creepy crap in the dA deviations box. Like WAH WTF. Lemme just say things like bloated people and creepy eyes and stuff. To each their own I guess.

No I'm not submitting anything because first of all I haven't written anything remotely interesting, and second because it's not important and I can't imagine anyone would get joy out of reading it. Hypothetical it, because there is no it.

Anyway happy Valentine's Day gringringrin.

Basically I don't like this website anymore and I think I'm just going to stop coming on it because it isn't remotely interesting. All of the people I watch are ded. Ded. And they're all on myspace so it's not really even worth it to be on hur.

I'll mizz yew dA. Haha no not really this has never been a big influence over my life.

This site is just an anime fanboy's precum mixed with an emo girl's tears over an internet breakup. lawl why is this site even popular. Juste curieuse. I don't even know if that last one is a French word.

Whatever. So longggggg.

]]> ~MiNiSoRcErEsS The Answer is Life, Mr. B. Life. http://MiNiSoRcErEsS.deviantart.com/journal/20908172/ http://MiNiSoRcErEsS.deviantart.com/journal/20908172/ Thu, 09 Oct 2008 15:41:00 PDT TO ANSWER YOUR BURNING QUESTIONS

No, I'm not dead, I'm not depressed, everything's quite clear cut and that's about it.

I know. Before I was all 'I'M SO UNCERTAIN' but now I'm just completely complacent as hell. I did a lot of growing up, honestly. I'm not just saying it to be snarky to all of those other people who claim their maturity as one claims a trophy.

I've found out a lot of things.

For one thing, there's no good reason to take things seriously. There's no point in worrying and getting stressed out about things that you simply cannot change. You cannot go back in time, you cannot just make things go away. You just have to chill out and take things as they come or you're never going to have any damn fun.

Also, if you want something to happen, you have to make it happen. You have to discipline yourself and take risks. There's no point to life if you just sit around settling for second place and mere contentedness when you can be first place and ecstatic.

It just makes sense.

Also, don't always just agree with someone for the sake of agreeing. We were all somehow born with our own thoughts, and that's a beautiful thing, therefore, we should spout it at every moment and never be ashamed of it. Because it's a part of who we are. People don't like transparent people who agree so there's never an argument.

I know these all sound like incredibly basic things, but I actually learned them, and I think that's amazing.

Let me get concrete now, kay?

Things you didn't know. First of all, my aunt and uncle died, my uncle in March, my aunt in June, and that was the saddest thing I've ever been through in my life, and it never ends. I hid it from some people because I figured it wasn't that big but it is. I regret all of the time I never spent with them, I regret thinking bad things about them. You never know when people are just going to fade away.

I'm going to school to be a psychologist, but only a school that Martyn gets into. As long as he would like that. If he chooses an alternate route, that's fine. But I should definitely think about myself in the case that we move on. You never know when the people you love and trust most are going to disappoint you. Not to be cynical. I'd love for this to last more than anything, we've worked so hard at it for it to end now.

And I'm sorry for ever bitching about him. He was the person in the RELATIONSHIP THAT NEVER ENDED. Remember that? That was him. But I was silly back then. Kids are not meant to be in serious relationships. They don't know how to respect other people just the right way, and moreover, everyone's all hormonal and no one can think straight. There's a lot of worth in growing up with someone and still being compatible, of course, but don't just be impulsive, you know? Think things over. Give it time. Or you'll have regrets.

I'm applying for different colleges right now. I just need all of my recommendations, see which colleges will give me the most money, go on a few visits. Then I'll know where to go for the next arguably eight years. Because imma be a doctor. The world's most renown psychologist, actually. I'm pretty confident about that since I'm intelligent and love getting into people's heads.

I still write once and a while. After all, that's my thing. You don't just leave your thing. I wrote a song today, actually, in the middle of English, because school is silly when you're smart enough to not pay attention and still invariably get it. I'll be the lazy genius that downplays things. I'm okay with that.

Uhm. What else.

I've had to grow up quickly, but I'm pretty much at the epitome right now, at least until I'm out of the house and in college, but that's a different chapter of my life with different stages. Because of the situation with my aunt and uncle, there's a lot of legal battling going on, and I'm definitely involved. That's something I don't normally talk about either. I start questioning America's legal process sometimes. But that's a whole different scenario. I haven't become cynical, on the contrary, I'm pretty optimistic and chill. This is just the intelligent, nagging side of me I don't normally let out. But I've been taking part in some major decisions. I'm not sheltered like that anymore.

Let's see. I've lost some more weight. Whatever. Got some contacts. Dyed my hair black. I'm taking my appearance too seriously, but I've never been able to take the least bit of pride in it before, so!

Honestly, I'm happy right now. Sure there's different stressors but I'm not going to take life seriously like that. Because this is the world's most complicated game and I know how to play it, and I'm going to win.

Well. Wasn't that a fun lesson.

I'm still the person who likes to crack jokes and stuff. I'm just way more relaxed... ]]> ~MiNiSoRcErEsS What's Another Word for Desperate http://MiNiSoRcErEsS.deviantart.com/journal/19471121/ http://MiNiSoRcErEsS.deviantart.com/journal/19471121/ Fri, 18 Jul 2008 19:24:11 PDT 1. Making decisions and
2. Sticking to those decisions.

I have literally no resolve whatsoever. I stand for nothing. I am an object in the background. I waffle so much I could be a chef.
funny.
but true.
And the more these decisions are coming up the more my strength wanes and I just feel like a tidal wave of negative emotion.
I don't want to go to college because I don't think I'm smart enough and can't stick to a career choice, and I still hold onto my stupid dreams of being a writer or something prestigious. And I can't stick to my relationships because I'm afraid of disappointment on all parts. I can't stick to a diet, although that isn't my fault, due to the shit that surrounds me, and the fact that my family all thinks I've lost too much weight and now I'm too risque, but in all honesty have actually gained five pounds and now I feel shittier.

I can't seem to find myself in all of this.
And people keep telling me who I am but everyone is contradicting each other and I don't know who's right. And I keep getting worse and worse mood swings and everyone once in a while I get so depressed I'm scared of myself and what I'm capable of doing. And I feel like I'm wasting away. And I had to type it somewhere so I could feel a little better. And I don't need reassurance or anything, I know I'll be just fine, but I just have to vent like there was no tomorrow.

No creativity in sight.

]]> ~MiNiSoRcErEsS Was this worth the time to write? http://MiNiSoRcErEsS.deviantart.com/journal/19249467/ http://MiNiSoRcErEsS.deviantart.com/journal/19249467/ Mon, 07 Jul 2008 07:58:39 PDT It becomes increasingly difficult to shut down completely lately.
I don't like all of this reality all at once.

Haven't done anything creative in a while. Unless you count putting together cute outfits. I wouldn't.
Haven't even done anything really fun lately. Hang out with people I know two times per month.
Hm.

I've come to my life's crossroads and I can't seem to make a choice. Most of it isn't even my choice. I don't like my fate being so out of my control. I like being in control. I like knowing exactly what to do and how to approach it. I hate this uncertainty.

I just wish that I had more time to think everything through and do everything right this time. I don't want to have to go back and edit, I don't want to make mistakes. I know how lazy I am, I want to let that laziness go but at the same time I don't know if I can be ambitious

I don't like all of these burning questions.

I'm scared and confused about my future. I know it's okay to be scared and confused, but I have enough to think about it as it is without all of this college and life coming at me. I'm not a person who likes change. Why can't I just keep doing what I've been doing? I don't want to go to college. I can be happy doing whatever, I don't see why I have to pay money to be happy. I don't know what I want to do with my life. What if I waste four years in college deciding on a major and I end up hating it? I want to do medical but I don't think I'm smart enough and I'm not good under pressure and I don't remember things, unless we're counting faces and names.

Everything I want to do involves pressure and a lot of studying. I don't like either of those things.

Plus things will be changing in less than a month anyway, for better or worse. I guess I'll know soon enough where my life is going to lead.

I know I can get into any college I want to get into, that I have an awesome personality, that I can do anything I think I can if I just try, but I don't want to try. It's too much pressure to try.

I wish I could just dance and sing my problems away. And I know I can if I just believe hard enough.

My destiny is in my hands. Maybe I was lying. Maybe I just don't like being responsible for myself. That makes sense.

I have to learn personal responsibility fast.

]]> ~MiNiSoRcErEsS Happiness http://MiNiSoRcErEsS.deviantart.com/journal/18900286/ http://MiNiSoRcErEsS.deviantart.com/journal/18900286/ Tue, 17 Jun 2008 20:05:49 PDT
I won't ruin the moment for you.

So, I'm too lazy to tune my guitar which puts a mass halt on anything I want to do musically speaking. I know how to tune it and everything. It's just, the strings are old and they'll probably [98% chance] break before I get to do anything. Which will render me a trip over to the instrument store and in turn make me feel pretentious for being there since I'm not some devoted guitar goddess.

See? It's just a hassle.

I'm pretty sure that won't be happening for a while.

I've been writing, but it's purely for my enjoyment, so I'm not going to put it up for the world to see. How can I enjoy criticism? I'm done with learning. Now I just want to be left alone. Like an old person who doesn't like black people. It's kind of like, you have to dismiss them because they're old, even though you really hate them for being so ignorant.

Actually it's nothing like that.

The point is, I'm writing and not making a big fuss about it.

I wish I could jump into Natasha Beddingfield's music videos. She seems to live in Perfectland where nothing bad ever happens. Everyone just dances and smiles and nothing is wrong with their life ever. I'd like to live in Perfectland. As long as I don't have to hear 'Unwritten' on repeat. But we all make sacrifices.

My mom called sex 'monkey business' in the car today. Because apparently if I have a male friend all I'm thinking about is monkey business. Because we all know how wild and crazy I R.

See I used I R. Crazy.

I would have preferred hooplah. Then I could actually laugh out loud. D:

]]> ~MiNiSoRcErEsS J'en ai mare http://MiNiSoRcErEsS.deviantart.com/journal/18763459/ http://MiNiSoRcErEsS.deviantart.com/journal/18763459/ Tue, 10 Jun 2008 09:31:34 PDT
Anyway, in the spirit of the summer, I think I'm going to try to get back into writing. I hope it goes okay

I don't like being away from the creative flow for too long. It's kind of like I keep missing the bus to fulfillment land. I don't wanna be on that last bus all by my lonesome.
I have a few songs that perhaps with some spirit and determination I'll record. I just need to find the right chords on my guitar to make it work acoustically. I would ask my friend for help, but I've already asked too much of him with nothing from me in return.
I kind of regret that.

I regret taking advantage of all of the opportunities that were before me and just assuming that people would be there the rest of my life.
I've learned the hard way that they won't.
For that I'm sorry.
I'm going to try to make up for it. I'm going to try to be a better person and a better friend. I'm going to stop being so incredibly selfish. I'll stop thinking 'what's in it for me?' and instead think 'this is a great opportunity.'

I'm sorry I was never a real person to you, Aunt Judy, and now I will never have that opportunity. I'm sorry I didn't help save you. I'm sorry I didn't visit you when you were lying alone and confused. I'm sorry I let you die alone because I was too scared that I'd be haunted by it.
I would rather know your sickly face than know I never got to say goodbye.
I've never had a bigger regret in my life.

The older I become the less magic there is in my life. I begin to worry more and feel even less like a person inside. People around me start vanishing and I don't even stop for a second to feel bad about it. I just keep going on, being loud and obnoxious because that person inside of me is locked in chains and isn't going to come out until no one is looking. I don't want to be that person who has all of their emotions on their sleeve. I don't want to openly cry or discuss how I feel because who really cares about that besides myself?

Anyway. Enough with my internal warfare.
I've never needed therapeutic arts more in my life than I do right now.
All of you just bear with me. They may not be masterpieces but at least I'll have feeling in something in my life, perhaps.

]]> ~MiNiSoRcErEsS Va voir ailleurs, si j'y suis! http://MiNiSoRcErEsS.deviantart.com/journal/18363340/ http://MiNiSoRcErEsS.deviantart.com/journal/18363340/ Sat, 17 May 2008 07:54:04 PDT
So, I'm taking my leave. For right now. Perhaps something will spark some artistic endeavors? No idea, though.

Right now I just need to find out who I am and where I'm going in life. I need to assert my position and stand strong on it, or else I'll never be happy. I cannot simply have people tell me how to live my life and expect me to go along with it. And I know this is all very vague but that's how I like to keep it. Relativity at a distance.

I wish you all luck. I know most of you are truly creative and will have some sort of career in the arts, just as long as you keep on trying

.

I'll be around perhaps.

]]> ~MiNiSoRcErEsS Curieuse? http://MiNiSoRcErEsS.deviantart.com/journal/17556696/ http://MiNiSoRcErEsS.deviantart.com/journal/17556696/ Fri, 28 Mar 2008 12:19:22 PDT
I'll post it when it's all said and done.

So, I'm trying my hardest to discipline myself enough to become a vegan. I could do it quite easily if my family had funds for vegan food, but unfortunately, we don't quite yet. So, for now, I'm going to stick with vegetarianism until I'm in college.

And I didn't watch a dumb PETA video if that's what you're considering...

It's just simply put that humans weren't designed to eat meat and dairy. I wish I had known that. No one decides to tell me these things... And I'm not much of a rebel, so I'm not going to go against what nature intended. Even if I really like Captain Crunch...well, I'll eat it once in a while with soy milk I suppose...

I feel all trendy and icky for saying I want to be a vegan. I hate those people, they're all obnoxious except me. And like. Some other people I guess.

I wish I didn't have to go to work, I really want to write my story. I know how it's supposed to play out and I don't want to forget it, any of it. So goood. I hope in some fanciful way it becomes a movie.

Getting ahead of myself.

I want to go to college at St. John's, but it doesn't seem like my parents are really into that idea...they'd prefer I stay very local and not do anything I like. Ah, not true. They want me to be happy. Just...happy here. Tis impossible, really. Don't like it here. Too polluted and icky.

Not like I could get into St. John's anyway. It feels too elite for me. Ah well.

Time to get ready to serve what I don't believe in! Yay!

Any tips to being a vegetarian or vegan or just to help with character building?

]]> ~MiNiSoRcErEsS Devious Journal Entry http://MiNiSoRcErEsS.deviantart.com/journal/17411017/ http://MiNiSoRcErEsS.deviantart.com/journal/17411017/ Wed, 19 Mar 2008 13:45:51 PDT Lots of death.
Lots of snow.
Lots of crying.
Lots of failure.
Definitely not a good week.

My week could be the foundations of a Linkin Park song. I should write them a letter. They need new ideas.

I think that's all I have to say. I'm uninspired and I just feel like shutting down for a little while.

]]> ~MiNiSoRcErEsS Out of Control http://MiNiSoRcErEsS.deviantart.com/journal/17304467/ http://MiNiSoRcErEsS.deviantart.com/journal/17304467/ Wed, 12 Mar 2008 16:27:21 PDT First of all, if anyone made anything exciting, please tell me. My deviations box had over 100 in it- there was no chance I was going through it all.

Anyway. I'm trying to cut back on journals but I sort of need to...vent. Not really vent. I'm kind of like a tea pot and I just need to screech a little. Nothing dire. If you don't stop the teapot, you'll just get annoyed by the whistle. No explosions. Nothing.

Hope that made sense.

I'm a little tired. I'm not exhausted and I'm not going to bitch that I'm overworked, because you know who's overworked? Single mothers with children that puke. Not me. I'm just tired of always having to do something. Always something looming over my head, like a puffy little storm-cloud, ready to shock me into productivity.

Er, I'm a little distracted, I'm listening to an emotional song.

Right. I'm just feeling a little cluttered. I want to get rid of something, but then I would be a quitter. I don't want to be a quitter. I'm not a loser. So my course load will remain heavy until about May.

It's not just simple work or school. There's also my dysfunctional side of the family, which has gotten even worse than before. My grandpa lives at home, taking care of my grandma with stage 7 Alzheimers, and now my aunt and her two dogs. I feel just awful for my grandfather. I would never wish this fate upon anyone. Stage 7 is the last stage of the disease. Right now, she had the mentality of a toddler, and also goes into bouts of excitement or anxiety that no one can quell, and my aunt's not making it worse.

I always try to find something redeeming in someone. Honestly, I do. I think, somewhere in my aunt's head, there are good intentions. I really do. But she doesn't show them. She's a selfish alcoholic who is horrid to her parents. I know alcoholism is a disease, but she' gone to rehab for prolonged periods of time, over and over, almost dying, and I can't seem to find the sympathy for her anymore. I know maybe that's not right of me, but I've always had a thing against alcohol. Always, for whatever reason.

I'm afraid that soon, that whole family will go down in a burning ship, and who will be there to save them? Us. That's who. I'm very good with my grandma [assuming that she still remembers me in some way] so I'm always the prime candidate for helping her, watching over her. I don't have a problem with it, really. I do have a problem with my crazy drunken aunt, though.

Meh.

Things definitely aren't how they used to be. I used to be so reckless and free spirited and loud and fun. Now I'm stuck surrounded by people I [mostly] don't even like. I see people coming towards me and I groan because I don't want to have the put up the charade of 'wow you're super interesting'.

Don't wanna do it anymore. It's my own fault for not being able to stand up for myself. Unless I don't know the person or feel a certain power over them, in which case, I could care less, I'll say whatever I want to then.

Almost every part of my day is unpleasant, when I think about it objectively. Don't get me wrong, there is a lot that's awesome about my life, but every once in a while, it's just too much.

I hate when people sit and complain about their lives, and I know that's technically what I'm doing right now. I don't even know why I'm doing it. I was just told I needed to find a really good friend or family member to dump on. Unfortunately, everyone dumps on me, even people I hardly know, so what am I supposed to do? You know that release feeling you get when someone tells you something important or surprising and you tell someone else? I'm that last person who's all out of people to tell.

So now I'm spreading the love. Enjoy it!

]]> ~MiNiSoRcErEsS It's All On Me http://MiNiSoRcErEsS.deviantart.com/journal/17201381/ http://MiNiSoRcErEsS.deviantart.com/journal/17201381/ Wed, 05 Mar 2008 19:54:21 PST
Ourah.

Seriously though. Things are plateauing in my life, and that's just what I need. Things have been all up and down and up and down and whoa tunnel look out. I'm glad.

I wish he'd say it back, though.

Sometimes you don't realize how much you screw someone over until you have transcripts to read back. Even then, pretty painful experience. Don't recommend it, even if it's helping me to be a better person, whatever that might be worth.

So he doesn't have to say it back yet. Not yet.

I just wish life wasn't as busy and...transmutative as it is. The free time I have is spent thinking about the future. That's all I ever think about. I might want to live in the present from now on. I might miss something awesome.

Tomorrow marks the 18th anniversary of the worst day of my life and those around me. I'm not sure if I'm going to wear all black or laugh it off. Haven't decided. Especially since people are celebrating it like it's my birthday. Silent suffering is my motto.

I wish I had a car. Just so I could be alone every once in a while.

Anyway, I'm not being any fun at all. Just me here being all reflective. I made an awesome crepe the other day and uhm. That's it.

You don't really know what you've got until it's gone. I feel like I'm trying to electrically shock something into living. Ahh. Defibrillator. Lovely.

Insert something witty here that I don't feel like thinking up myself.

]]> ~MiNiSoRcErEsS And Closed. http://MiNiSoRcErEsS.deviantart.com/journal/16962083/ http://MiNiSoRcErEsS.deviantart.com/journal/16962083/ Wed, 20 Feb 2008 17:25:47 PST
BUT - you have to put this in your journal as well.. spread the love!

joobr-the-jobbernowl
She doesn't have any deviations. But she's actually an awesome artist. So instead of posting pictures I'm just going to give you a picture of drawn-on eyebrows.
[link]
Close enough.

2.

ExplodingTeeth
-AmroN [link]
My self-proclaimed son. I'm fair.
-To Make God Laugh
[link]
Beautiful short story. Jordee is multi-talented.
-With Binoculars On Your Roof
[link]
Poem/Song that I think anyone can relate to, even if only one person could write it.

3.

BlueFairy-07
-Fall
[link]
Short story about love that's so detailed you can feel it without trying.
-Puppet Scissorhands
[link]
He is just adorable
-I am not your puppet
[link]
If you somehow get sick of the puppet, the box is just as detailed!

4.

bryndog
-Blue Feeling
[link]
I love the way this turned out, the blue scheme is calming and the artwork is wonderful!
-love From a Tree
[link]
It's short and sweet and simple and harmonic and all these other artistic words.
-Funky Lemon
[link]
I was in an awful mood and it made me smile

alwaysALOHA
-Kristin Claus
[link]
Love love love love the fur effect. Love. Period.
-Enchanted
[link]
I wish I could draw a rose like that.
-Tree in Fog
[link]
The effect is brilliant and so is the grass.

6.

Silica-Streak
Forewarning: Everything Sean writes is amazing. I can't just choose three. I do have my three favorites, but don't just limit it to those.
-Brain Surgery
[link]
Keeps the rhythm and topic like no one else could.
-Healed
[link]
I know it's personal but it's my favorite one.
-Flux
[link]
Name of the album and name of a beautiful song

7.

... ]]> ~MiNiSoRcErEsS Bawstan http://MiNiSoRcErEsS.deviantart.com/journal/16935980/ http://MiNiSoRcErEsS.deviantart.com/journal/16935980/ Sun, 17 Feb 2008 20:27:37 PST
Moving on...

I took that Jung personality test today, and it explains everything. I'm always pretty iffy on these things but I read that in-depth analysis thing and felt like someone finally understood me.
I know, that was emotional, wow.
It was awesome though! Apparently I'm an introvert who just acts like an extrovert when the situation demands it. I may act outgoing to everyone but I hate trusting people.
And it's true!
I'm not unfriendly! I'm just cynical!
Yay!
I can make friends but apparently I only keep worthy friends, because everyone else is not worth my time. And all I want to do is help people no matter what. And I'm not normally a leader but I can take charge like no one's business. And I'm eloquent and probably have better writing skills than other skills.

This is just from yes or no questions!
That Carl Jung is awesome. I hope people appreciated him when he was alive. If he's dead. I don't know.
Hahha oh yeah, he's definitely dead. He was born in 1875.
I hope people appreciated him.

So tomorrow I get to work with two people who hate each other. That's gonna be uncomfortable. I'm sick of working all the time. I mean, it's not so bad and it gives me money for my future, but uhm, still.
At least my boss tells people to be more like me.

I would be afraid to live in Antarctica. For some reason, I don't think gravity applies there. I know it does, but still. You probably have a better chance of falling off of the Earth down there than anywhere else. All that wide-open space, sittin' on the bottom of the planet.
Ugh. That freaks me out.
What if the Earth just stopped having gravity? We'd all just be floating in outer space. Unless we chained ourselves to the Earth. But would the land fall off the Earth too? And the water? I don't know where gravity applies here.
I'm going to be thinking about this all night.
Now I feel dizzy because I know I'm on the side of the Earth. I might even be tilting down, who the hell knows? Ick ick ick.
Maybe if I concentrate hard enough I can feel the Earth spin.

...Nope.

]]> ~MiNiSoRcErEsS Burnin' yo' city down. http://MiNiSoRcErEsS.deviantart.com/journal/16839463/ http://MiNiSoRcErEsS.deviantart.com/journal/16839463/ Mon, 11 Feb 2008 19:58:11 PST So please inform me if you wrote or drew something good. I'd love to see.

All I've managed to do this past week is sleep in excessive amounts and eat too much.
I've been off of school for four days and I haven't done any of my homework.
FOUR DAYS.
I put smart kids to shame.
And on that note, I won an essay contest, beating out every smart kid with aspirations of getting a full ride to college. They chose me. ME. Why?

I got my hair cut. I'll take pictures of it when I stop getting hives and pimples.
Ewwwwww.

Now I'm sick of not being interesting
So I'm going to tell you about stupid stuff, and you're just going to have to listen
Like about that girl who sounds exactly like a trumpet. She looks normal and talks kind of nasally, but when she starts to sing, she sounds like a trumpet. I think some marching band could really use her running around singing some Freddie Mercury song. Her gift is valuable.

I got hit on by an older guy the other day. At first I thought he was lonely but he kept coming up to my place of work and staring at me. He wasn't even secretive about it. He would come up to the desk and I'd ask him what he'd want and he'd say 'Nothing' and commence mental rape.
Maybe he was too nervous to ask where a store was or something.
All I know is, ewww.
Polite ew, but ew.

Did you know there's a science to attraction? I didn't, but wikipedia says so. My friend was asking me all of these questions about my appearance, and I asked why, and he wanted to know whether or not I would suit his sexual attraction.
I have normal friendships!
><

UGH DON'T WANT TO DO HOMEWORK. GAY GAY GAY.
EWWWW.

I'm done!

]]> ~MiNiSoRcErEsS You can't just wake the dead. http://MiNiSoRcErEsS.deviantart.com/journal/16688259/ http://MiNiSoRcErEsS.deviantart.com/journal/16688259/ Sat, 02 Feb 2008 10:05:07 PST I never really noticed before, but my old stories had more life and soul than what I have now. It's as if my past was a rainbow, and now I'm just horribly monochromatic. My works don't pack a punch, more of a sissy bitch slap.
I'm going to try to fuse together what I know now and what I felt then to see if anything comes of it. It's worked out so far. I used a few sites as testing grounds before I submit anything here and the results seem pretty popular.
Yay me.

Besides, I missed Dexter's Laboratory. That was class
_{says the American}

More importantly, I realized how serious I've become, and my old me didn't like serious. My old me was like 'I don't care if I look like a geek or a freak, let's do this ^^'
I kinda miss that. Just a little.

So maybe I'll try to go about changing again and see what happens

. I guess it's just because I'm always so busy, and when I'm not busy, I'm cooped up in my house wasting away my life. People like myself don't waste away. They get as loud and obnoxious as possible so the world notices them.

On a super-happy note, I've lost some more weight again. I knew DDR Supernova was good for something. And the stationary bike. And those infomercials for exercise programs that, if you watch the whole way through, you already know all the exercises to do. Thank you Six-Week body makeover.
Their losssss.

I was pissed this morning, someone ate my bean burrito, AKA, the only not-nasty thing from Taco Bell. They left me with like, the serum to being rotund. Merci beaucoup, ma famille.

I have a lot of stuff to do before I go to work today. Augh. Well, I guess I'll write later.

Haha, all of my old characters were named after me, or some version of my name. I have to change it so I'm not embarrassed for myself.

Again, I didn't say anything funny in this journal, so I guess I'll just have to take it out on some innocent story.

]]> ~MiNiSoRcErEsS 4/4 http://MiNiSoRcErEsS.deviantart.com/journal/16578053/ http://MiNiSoRcErEsS.deviantart.com/journal/16578053/ Sat, 26 Jan 2008 08:26:39 PST
I think yesterday was quite possibly the worst day of my life. Everything that could go wrong went wrong. And I kept on saying, 'Okay, this can't get worse.' And then it did, like I pressed a button that said '

lease make things worse.' I feel a little gypped. I saw people who I never wanted to see again and had to break news to a few people and I realized that a person who I trusted with everything officially has more important aspirations than spending time with me.

No one should screw with a girl's feelings. Well, anyone's feelings really. It just confuses them.

I have to go to work for three hours today. I don't see how it has much of a point but that's okay. =]

You know, I'm glad yesterday was the worst day of my life. It gave me artistic genius that I don't normally experience. I'm expecting a lot more to come because the awfulness isn't over. It's like a pimple under the skin, you notice it and it ruins your day and you can't cover it, but it hasn't come to a head yet.
_ew

I've screwed up things really badly, and I didn't really notice until yesterday.
When I was a freshman, I forged a lot of friendships. A lot. I was friends with everyone, I hung out with everyone all the time, and I made each and every one of them feel like they were special, they were my best friend. But I just kept neglecting them and neglecting them or pushing them away by force. I feel like I gave away too many clothes to Good Will and all I'm left with is a couple pairs of socks and a plaid shirt.
But I do really cherish those socks and that plaid shirt.
Although that's how things are, I don't know if I want to change them. I was pretty miserable before. Maybe things are the way they are for a reason. That's what I like to think.

All right. I should honestly go get ready to serve greasy fat and carbs for three hours. Sorry I didn't say anything funny.

JEL-LO-PU-DDING

There ya go.

]]> ~MiNiSoRcErEsS Fithoooosss http://MiNiSoRcErEsS.deviantart.com/journal/16554406/ http://MiNiSoRcErEsS.deviantart.com/journal/16554406/ Thu, 24 Jan 2008 16:26:02 PST Thanks to everyone who always reads my journals and poems and stuff. Sean, Rin, Sam, totally appreciate it

And also all you other people that are lurking out there. Thank you thank you.

I just felt that needed to be said.

Anyway. I just broke a guy's heart today. Again. Second time. And apparently the first guy whose heart I broke is now going around telling people he's mad at me.
Errrrgh wuttt. All I did was say no. Had a damn good reason too.

Bowwchickawowwwowwww.

I'm going to update some stuff soon actually. I'm really excited about that.

THIS JOURNAL HAS NO POINT.

bumbumbumbumbumbumbumbumtweedletweedletweedletweedle
bumbumbumbumbdodododododododo

That was One Winged Angel. Thank you very much.

I'm thinking about getting a webcam and becoming a youtube phenomenon. Do you think it's possible? I do. I am pretty loud.
Besides, it's not hard. Look at Mr. Pregnant.
I love him.
lmaoplane. Hahah my friend made that up. It's wonderful.
ADD.

LET'S MAKE A POINT.

Love is frustrating and so is the internet and so is work and if I don't get some form of independence soon I am tearing out my imagination's lungs. Also, Oklahoma is hard to say when saying it over and over.

Tell me something insignificant. Preferably about bees.

]]> ~MiNiSoRcErEsS Ayyyyyy http://MiNiSoRcErEsS.deviantart.com/journal/16393867/ http://MiNiSoRcErEsS.deviantart.com/journal/16393867/ Sun, 13 Jan 2008 19:30:51 PST
I've been kind of a Negative Nancy lately. Although my aunt is named Nancy and she seems quite positive, but you never know about people behind closed doors. For all I know she's going 'Bah Humbug' and such. Huh. Demonic imagery. Awesome sauce.

But I've been pretty negative about stuff, like, 'why can't i do anything fuuuuuun,' or, 'why meeeeee?'
I'm like that whiny little emo brat that posts bulletins on myspace yelling about how they 'FUCKING HATE THEIR PARENTS ASDFGHJKL; THEY NEVER LET ME DO ANYTHING EVER UGH WHATEVER TXT ME 335 452 9587 :] sex.'
That was pretty accurate
So I've resolved to change my ways once again. I have this whole weekend off and I'm doing something awesome so help me God. Well, I believe in just a general entity more than God I think. Hmm. Well, maybe God and said entity are tag-teaming it, because I've been praying to both of them with phenomenal results.

My roots are coming in and they're about 50 shades darker than my hair. And my hair is dark brown. Wow.

Dude, have you people seen the flea market guy on youtube? He's amazing. Like, who could rap about dinettes and pull that shit off? Awesome.

Also, US History is really boring. I had to read this article about Lee and Grant, and it was like knitting, only I actually had to absorb the idea. Guh. I love the Civil War and all of that but it was pretty fucking bogus, ending at the point of tension. Cliffhangers are for assholes, give me what I want.

I feel like cooking.

DO YOU REALIZE THAT THIS IS ONLY MY SECOND JOURNAL ENTRY OF 2008??!?!?!?!!?! SIN!

My friend uses breasts for emoticons. Sometimes I think I should disable being able to view them. It's not good when someone's sneaking up behind you. Makes me look like a closet lesbian. Nothing wrong with them. But I mean, come on. I don't want any of that floating in my history.

On an artsy note, I have stuff I could update, but I just don't feel like doing it. Clear, Unreachable Darkness really has no plot [actually I forgot it but that's okay] and I haven't written a good poem since, like, October. I must be socially disturbed.

Okay. Uhm. I think that's it. Sorry I wasted a minute of your time. Two if you're a slow reader.

]]> ~MiNiSoRcErEsS EFFING http://MiNiSoRcErEsS.deviantart.com/journal/16246075/ http://MiNiSoRcErEsS.deviantart.com/journal/16246075/ Thu, 03 Jan 2008 19:53:58 PST
^{Oh yeah, believable}

Do you know what I love, more than anything ever? Wordreference.com. Really helps when I forgot what's going on in French class. It's a godsend. It will help me achieve that A I've been striving for, because I REFUSE to take more than two midterms. Doing so would just...be awful. Really.

My mom is disappointed at my PSAT scores, even though I scored a 177 overall, and that's good. Well, nothing pleases anyone these days. No one is thankful for anything. One must appreciate what they have before striving for more. It's always worked for me. But I do like being ignorant so maybe I'm just ignoring bad things.

I had an awful dream about everyone dying. Like, we were invaded by aliens, and being shot at. Everyone was dying, but I wasn't scared or anything, neither was anyone else. Weird.

I haven't had time to write because I'm too busy reading Harry Potter like a stereotypical 16 year old girl. Also while doing so I'm watching Family Guy and thinking about the one. Because stereotypes say so, and I'm all for Keeping Up With the Joneses.

Not.

I'm not a feminist or anything, but it's pretty bad when a twelve year old tells me that I should be having babies by now and to go get him a drink and clean up his dishes. Because I'm the woman. I'm not all big on this overpowering men propaganda, but I do believe that every human should clean up after themselves. Good hygiene.

This journal isn't about anything. I just wanted to show you how witty I am.

I'll update Clear, Unreachable Darkness soon. I have a lot of that written. We'll see what else forms in my head as time goes along.

Sean, we must talk about our contest

]]> ~MiNiSoRcErEsS And so can you http://MiNiSoRcErEsS.deviantart.com/journal/16144056/ http://MiNiSoRcErEsS.deviantart.com/journal/16144056/ Fri, 28 Dec 2007 19:52:35 PST
Yayy.

I have some really awesome ideas for stories and stuff but I cannot find a loophole to something that I have a horrid suspicion might be copyrighted. And no, I cannot tell you what I'm talking about, and I can't use proper punctuation while doing so. It will have to remain a secret. OH WOW KEEPING YOU IN SUSPENSE.

In all seriousness, though. If I can't make my idea happen, I will just feel downtrodden.
Downtrodden.
Ooo zut alors.
Makes no sense in French. Well it does. But not in the context I'd like.

Weird Al is a very strange man. I was watching UHF the other day and I had no idea what the hell was going on. Just as soon as I'd understand, something weird would happen, like ninjas jumping out of a closet, or someone turning into an alien. But I suppose he'll never make sense. Ever.
Why the hell is it so hot in my house? Blargh.
Speaking of movies, I love Coming to America. It's the best sick movie, ever. I think Eddie Murphy might be the cure for cancer. No, srsly.

I was thinking about cancer today but I cannot remember for the life of me why.
Oh. I was being contemptuous, like a hairy preteen girl with pimples who didn't get invited to the school DARE dance. It wasn't anything important or amusing. Actually, it was pretty awful. "If I had cancer, everyone would invite me to everything, or they'd feel bad."
Awwwuhhh.

uhohuhohuhoh

I've been watching a lot of Family Guy lately. The more you know.

My friend sent me a letter the other day. First of all: letters, how awesome, no one even does that anymore. I mean, I haven't read it yet, because it's long and well, you know how it is. But when I do read it, I'm sure it will be pretty spectacular.

Quick question for you. Don't some people understand that no means no? "No, I can't go out with you" really means "No, I can't go out with you." It's not a sexy metaphor like, "No, I can't go out with you unless you write me beautiful poetry and sing me your siren song at my window." No. Really. I didn't end the sentence inquisitively. I left no room for an or can I? Really, that's it, end of story.

I'm not being mean. Really.

Oh, and is there any way I can change how my name is capitalized? I'm sick of looking like an uneducated schoolgirl wHo TyPeZ lYk DiS

]]> ~MiNiSoRcErEsS Devious Journal Entry http://MiNiSoRcErEsS.deviantart.com/journal/16045178/ http://MiNiSoRcErEsS.deviantart.com/journal/16045178/ Sat, 22 Dec 2007 14:15:18 PST
Mer.
Mer what?
idk.

My friend makes me laugh. He's planning a party but he doesn't want this kid to come to he said: "Flame torch is my only way out! I have to incinerate him! I might get blisters! I hate blisters!'
Silly children.

I'm done with all of my Christmas shopping. Yay.
I've never been so happyyy. This year was uber-stressful cuz I never had any time to shop. Booo.
I'll go wrap everything in a little bit I think.

I'm so glad I can write again. And write well. I'm out of my like five year slump. Yay. Yay. Yay. I R awsum.
I should have some sort of writing contest. But in order to do that I need more friends. And, er, prizes. Gah that's work D=
PIGGYBACKIN OFFA RIN.

Anyway.
I told the swindler I didn't want to go out with him and he almost cried.
I'm a shitty person
Also the end.
I'm not used to men pining over me. Ferrizle.

I'm gonna go neglect my obligations and write about Christmas. Or watch Celebrity Jeopardy. I haven't really decided.

]]> ~MiNiSoRcErEsS Stake is not a food http://MiNiSoRcErEsS.deviantart.com/journal/15961889/ http://MiNiSoRcErEsS.deviantart.com/journal/15961889/ Sun, 16 Dec 2007 15:57:08 PST
I love the blizzard outside. It is so uber awesome. I feel like I'm in some emo music video. The joy! The wonder!

I've been sitting here, thinking about how badly I want to get my haircut, and also, how badly I've been swindling two people. Seriously. I'm a tease. I don't mean to make them think I like them in a certain way. I just don't want to say 'hey, sorry I don't feel that way, let's just be friends.' That would be hurting their feelings. And then they'd go 'oh why me' and well, there's a marginal chance they'd turn suicidal.

It's irrational but I'm allowed to go on a train of thought.

Both of these people are really nice and sweet and go on about how cute I am and how I'm like, the perfect person.
It's really nice and flattering but they're not my type. And one of them is really pissing off my boss because he comes to my work all the time. The other wants me to live with him for eternity.
Er.
I don't know what to do.
I just hope it'll blow over or something.

I delved into some of my old old old notebooks today, and it was pretty awesome to see how far I've progressed. Hahha, one of my poems went like this:

'We are children of the night
We seek blood and suicide
You're afraid we'll sick satan on you
So far from your preppy views'

I laughed. I laughed long and hard. God I was such a strange child.

I saw my autobiography from when I was in fifth grade too. It's really sort of tragic, because I was so happy and nice and kind and kids were so mean to me because I was like, what, 140 pounds or something. I'm glad that things have looked up so much.

Well, I'm gonna go try to get my mom to cut my hair.

Toodles.

]]> ~MiNiSoRcErEsS Devious Journal Entry http://MiNiSoRcErEsS.deviantart.com/journal/15882152/ http://MiNiSoRcErEsS.deviantart.com/journal/15882152/ Mon, 10 Dec 2007 18:53:34 PST It's inspiring teenage Japanese kids to be emos.
Ahhh such is the progression of life.
Even if I don't understand what the eff they're saying, I still quite like it. It's good dancing music.

Good news!
My dear dear dear buddy Sashe came back today. He lost his computer in around July, and he finally got another one. I missed his little Irish ass.

I'm in such a good moood.

I took the day off of school today. I am just so exhausted. I try to do too much sometimes. I think I might be aging too fast. One is supposed to enjoy being a kid while they still have the chance, but I'm whittling away adolescence with my over-achieving knife.
I liked the metaphor. Anyone who doesn't must have lead poisoning.
Speaking of, why the hell do we get everything from China? I like China just as much as the next person who played Dynasty Warriors, but come on. I don't want to be liable for children in a vegetative state in ten years.
Also, I don't want to be liable for the morbidly obese. So I think once I'm out of the house Imma eat all organic. I really wish to live past my fifties

.
EWW SCHOOL IS SOON.
BLECK.
GROSS.

Okay well it's not that bad but that US History essay is pretty foreboding. Plus, my friend's gonna be pissed cuz I'm still not done watching her movie. Gah.
One week. One week.

I need to brush my teeth.

Now, while I'm gone my children of the corn, I want you to sing Micro-cuts for me and videotape it. It's on Youtube, by Muse. And if you have to go into a falsetto, go into it. I mean serious bizniz.

HANDDDDSSSSS AREEEE REDDDDD WIIIITHHH YOUOOORRR BLAAAAMEEE.

^Obnoxious use of smilies.

]]> ~MiNiSoRcErEsS Wow sarcasm http://MiNiSoRcErEsS.deviantart.com/journal/15798904/ http://MiNiSoRcErEsS.deviantart.com/journal/15798904/ Tue, 04 Dec 2007 19:37:04 PST Stop it. D=
I can never look at them all because I'm lazy.

I want a snow day.
More importantly, I've been thinking in Irish because I've been reading Angela's Ashes. I don't know if it's just me but when I watch a movie with a lot of accents I start thinking in that accent. It's kind of strange.

I got scratched by a sick cat yesterday, and I didn't disinfect it right away like a normal, rational human being would
It hasn't turned green so I suppose it's all right.
Since when the fuck do I look like a scratching post?
It ripped my favorite jeans, too. I only make minimum wage.
I guess I look like an expensive scratching post.
Thank god I didn't wear a skirt.

I hate singing high for long periods of time. I'm not fit to do that. I get all squeaky. Bleh.
Well, that's all right.

I work for six hours tomorrow, 4-10. What rational reasoning is behind that, on a Wednesday?
'OHHH WEDNESDAY BIG SHOPPING DAY BETTER MAKE EVERYONE WORK EXTRA LONG! AND WHILE WE'RE AT IT LET'S STAFF PEOPLE TILL LATE AT NIGHT FOR THOSE PARTY ANIMALS. TGIW.'

I'm so sarcastic xD. I feel bad when people believe my sarcasm. I want to correct it but I don't have the heart.
Mmmmmmmmmm
I should really go to bed. I have to wait for Gackt to finish this song. He's a beautiful man, even if he is extraordinarily gay.
Huh. That reminds me of today. Let's not talk about it.

EVERYONE STOP BEING MEAN TO POOR ME KAY THANKS.
I R fragile.

Beddy time with my stuffed animals and junk yay.

]]> ~MiNiSoRcErEsS Viscera http://MiNiSoRcErEsS.deviantart.com/journal/15750105/ http://MiNiSoRcErEsS.deviantart.com/journal/15750105/ Sat, 01 Dec 2007 13:22:53 PST
On a side note, my hair is really frizzy. I hope to God I can fit it in a ponytail for work. D= I am not spending time straightening it. Too much work.

I've been writing quite a bit lately. I even attempted a poem today. But I stopped myself because I'm so used to censoring everything I do. I wonder if it would have turned out good.

One of them is in an interesting writing style. It kind of blends together, all of the parts, but I like that. I think I might actually finish it.

I'm working on some collages and stuff, but nothing really awesome. But I want to get back into the art aspect of my life instead of just writing. I need a new sketchbook.

I get to work with the animals finally at the animal shelter! Wah, I'm so excited, answering the phones sucks. I mean, I'm good at talking to people, it's just, the people who call are really effing irate. So huzzah.

Mmm I'm thirsty. I want a cotton candy blizzard from DQ but I can't find out how many calories it is, and I'm a calorie-counting freak. I probably won't have time to go out and get something anyway. Saturdays are always so busy. I always work the oven, but I work with the guy who always does the oven today. He's new though, so his hands will probably burn after a bit, and I'll take over the opportunity.

I love seniority.

Ahhhh seven more months...
You don't know what I'm seven more months-abouting, but really, it's very importante.
Meubles. I don't know what it is, but it's my favorite french word ever.

Okay. Time to get ready.
And yes. I'm gonna straighten my hair.

]]> ~MiNiSoRcErEsS Devious Journal Entry http://MiNiSoRcErEsS.deviantart.com/journal/15721118/ http://MiNiSoRcErEsS.deviantart.com/journal/15721118/ Thu, 29 Nov 2007 12:59:16 PST I tried to get away, you know. I did an amazing job. I am fully capable of living without another human being.
But he wanted to be friends again, so I said okay, cuz I felt all bad, and I need someone to talk to anyway.

And here we go again. If you want to talk to me so damn bad, I suggest you make time for me. And when we talk, I don't want to sit there and listen to bullshit.
I don't need that. Don't give me that.

This is the relationship that NEVER ENDS. It's been THREE YEARS. THREE. IT'S LIKE I'M STUCK IN AN ERA.

Just like yesterday at work. My shift just did not end. It was awful. I'm glad I got a visit from Hughes but everything else totally blew.

And I still can't sleep and it's slowly manifesting into me not paying attention in class. I'd like to keep my 4.0, thank you very effing much. Instead of taking notes I'm coloring a collage of hearts
I think I'll put some really awesome pictures or sentimental crap on it. Mmm.
Now I want to go color.

I don't know if I'm in a bad mood. I don't think I am. I'm just all cranky and tired and I can feel my eyes sagging as I type this. Maybe all of this foggy-headedness will amount to something godly. Like a really awesome poem.

I'll pray for it!

= DD

]]> ~MiNiSoRcErEsS Devious Journal Entry http://MiNiSoRcErEsS.deviantart.com/journal/15694953/ http://MiNiSoRcErEsS.deviantart.com/journal/15694953/ Tue, 27 Nov 2007 14:51:10 PST You know, I'm one of those people who like putting pieces of puzzles together even though I'm sure they're all sure coincidences.
I'm also a little bit of a hypochondriac, and that's never a good combination to have.

I think that my lack of creativity, my irregular sleeping, and my mood swings are all part of a bigger picture
Normal people would think that has nothing to do with anything
But I'm not normal, I never have been, and I never will be. Even if our school does get uniforms, I'm going to stand out in a bad way.
Digressing. Point is, it's really pissing me off.

My favorite thing to do to spark my creativity is to listen to music and put it to stories in my head to see if I can progress. When I was twelve, I started it. I could visualize everything perfectly and it all made sense.
Since then, not so much. As a matter of fact, if I just listen to music and do nothing else, I get bored after two songs.
I'm so restless.
I can't even sleep anymore. Even a minute amount of light breaking through my window ruins my sleep concentration.
And, well, let me say, it's gotten me to the point where I don't even want to attempt sleep.

Webmd.com isn't a good website for the simple fact that I'm a hypochondriac, again, and if I see some sort of mental disorder and it sounds like it could loosely apply, I have it.
My new thing is that I think I must have borderline personality disorder. And it really does make sense but I think that's just because I'm an irregular breed of human. Sure I had depression as a kid, and I thought I did before other people even diagnosed it, but that doesn't make me right all the time.
Silly.

Perhaps there's a step to the process I'm forgetting. Hm.
I wish I knew what the missing link was from then until now. Ah well.
Is it just me or are my sentences not making sense? I don't think I used parallelism. Ahhh, whatever. Just because I'm a writer doesn't mean that I have to have immaculate grammar.

Anyway, things are going better than they were before. The shelter is letting me take care of the cats now. That's good because I am SOOO sick of answering phones and doing laundry.
Plus my boss at work realizes how awesome I am and he wants me to work more.
Do I smell a raise?!
Probably not. Pfft.

So I have this huge whopper outbreak of pimples on the side of my face and it just won't go away. Now, I have super secret techniques to make me pretty much pimple free and they always work, but they're not working anymore. All of my little strategies have gone without results.
Argh.

Well, anyway, I'm getting contacts and a hair cut, so I think I feel pretty enough already
GAWD I'M SO SELF CONSCIOUS.
I'm a freak.

]]> ~MiNiSoRcErEsS Wakka wakka http://MiNiSoRcErEsS.deviantart.com/journal/15655491/ http://MiNiSoRcErEsS.deviantart.com/journal/15655491/ Sat, 24 Nov 2007 20:09:16 PST I get like twenty page views a day
Why? Why?
I don't get it. Do people need to start their mornings with my inspirational lyrics?

Ahhh, I bet they're just staring at my ID.
Perverts.

I hate Thanksgiving. It's officially the worst holiday of the year. Besides Abe Lincoln's birthday. That one is pretty awful too.
Half of my family is pretty awful. Augh.
I dread Christmas.

Oh, what do you people want for Christmas?
I have no intention of thinking of presents myself unless I have to.
My brain power has to be reserved for work.

Egh. I need a vacation from everything.

I'm in the middle of writing what I think might turn out to be a good story. I'm so proud I just wanna start crying.
Well, not that proud.
But I'm happy that I'm writing again, even if it's just a page a day or so.

I always have stuff to talk about in journals but I never actually talk about them. Like, I want to elaborate on Thanksgiving and work but you know. You don't care. I don't care to write it. It's a win-win.

I need to go to sleep or I'm gonna be moody in the morning. Gah seven hour shift. Death to Stalin.
Er. Zombie Stalin.

]]> ~MiNiSoRcErEsS Quick thought http://MiNiSoRcErEsS.deviantart.com/journal/15578789/ http://MiNiSoRcErEsS.deviantart.com/journal/15578789/ Mon, 19 Nov 2007 15:36:36 PST So I think that instead of studying for school, I'm going to sit in front of my mirror and make faces, and take pictures, and see if I'm cut out to be a face model
Because no matter how much weight I lose
I'm still too short to be a real model.
...and that's shitty.
Yeah. This sounds more amusing than watching Seinfeld.

You can carry on with your lives now

?!

I work Friday-Saturday-Sunday and probably monday and tuesday
Arghargharghaghahgahg
Work USED to be fun
Now there's this rule that says we can't talk.
D=
Wuuut.

Anyhow, baba yetu yetu'liye mbi ngu ni yetu yetu amina.
And to all, a good night

[Basically, the most important event in my life is Stephen Colbert running for President]

]]> ~MiNiSoRcErEsS Tell me nothing ever counts http://MiNiSoRcErEsS.deviantart.com/journal/15274293/ http://MiNiSoRcErEsS.deviantart.com/journal/15274293/ Mon, 29 Oct 2007 15:01:54 PDT But I don't think I'm going to put it up
It's too embarrassing and a complete illustration of just how horrible I've gotten at writing.
I don't think I've ever been more frustrated in my life.

There is so much going on, and I just want to get it out, but it's not coming out. It's like every single thing I'm feeling and thinking is stuck inside of me.
Gumming up muh feckin' arteries.

Further proof I can't be serious for over a minute...

I try to write a story, it doesn't work and I get pissed off.
I try to write a poem, it doesn't work, and I get pissed off.
I try to listen to music, it's boring, and I get pissed off.

I just don't know what to do anymore.
I'm such a goddamned timebomb.
And I blame him, because I can.
Because he's the one who wanted to start building a friendship again, and he's the one who won't even make time to talk to me.
I sacrificed my sanity to talk to him again, and now he's making me wait for him all over again.
This is just like last year when I practically died inside because I couldn't take being alone.

Now I want to be alone.
I just want him to stop being selfish. I'm all for being friends with people, you know, but not when friendship is only convenient for them at certain periods of time.
I just want to SCREAM.
And I could never turn what I just said into a meaningful poem.
It would be shit, like, 'I'm dying inside, and crying, and hoping I'll find some peace, and under the circumstances I can't change.'
Argh.
aggggggh

I'm going to end up being a hermit =C

And then there's that other asshole who won't leave my head because sometimes I feel like I'm the one saving him from himself
And I just don't like that pressure. I have so much pressure it's just sick.
SICK
No, I'm not addicted to heroine and have a baby and have to pay for my house myself
Mine's more of a psychological warfare D=
And that's my least favorite.

Edit: Hey guys, I smell really nice C= I should make a perfume.
And that wasn't a necessary edit, but I thought putting it in a journal by itself would be kinda redundant and maybe narcissistic.

]]> ~MiNiSoRcErEsS And Stop. http://MiNiSoRcErEsS.deviantart.com/journal/15217282/ http://MiNiSoRcErEsS.deviantart.com/journal/15217282/ Thu, 25 Oct 2007 14:43:45 PDT It's getting frustrated because I can't express anything.
The words don't flow. They trickle and come to a halt.
I thought things were getting better, but they're not. They're just getting worse.
I feel so unfulfilled.

It's been like this for a good year now
I'm getting very, very mad.
If only things were more spectacular.

I should stop talking in fragments.

--------

My aunt got out of the hospital yesterday. Not because she's better. Hospitalization and all that.
Yeah.

I really want to go on a walk. If only my dear family didn't think that I was going to get raped the second I walked out of the door...
>sigh<

I hate feeling fractured.

]]> ~MiNiSoRcErEsS Bittersweet Symphony http://MiNiSoRcErEsS.deviantart.com/journal/15187802/ http://MiNiSoRcErEsS.deviantart.com/journal/15187802/ Tue, 23 Oct 2007 13:04:46 PDT someone's been listening to the verve

My aunt went to the emergency room yesterday. She was having heart troubles, something along the lines of her heart racing so fast it practically stops. Well, she almost went into cardiac arrest last night, but fortunately, she didn't.

She has three young children. I'm worried about them.

At any rate, they think it's something in her brain impulses that's doing it, which only makes me more worried. I always assume the worst even though I know not to. But that's how a lot of people are.

I hope she gets better, because she's so young and works so hard and has too much to live for. I hope they find out what it is before it's too late.

^----------

I've been reading a good story about angels and demons.

I'm dressing up as a rabid emo kid, it'll be fantasmic to say the least. And I'm going to twenty million haunted houses even thought I'm going to scream a lot because I'm just that way and uhhhm...
Yay Williamsburg? =]
I want to dress up like the people from Colonial times. That will be amazing.
I'm really excited. I'm so busy this year preparing for college and shit. It's gonna be fun! = DDDD

Yeah. I'm good now.

]]> ~MiNiSoRcErEsS I just have to say http://MiNiSoRcErEsS.deviantart.com/journal/14635923/ http://MiNiSoRcErEsS.deviantart.com/journal/14635923/ Fri, 14 Sep 2007 19:51:28 PDT But

I HATE AVRIL LAVIGNE

wtf. She used to be a mediocre singer/songwriter until all of a sudden 'HEY I DON'T LIKE YOUR GIRLFRIEND DUMP HER AND RUIN HER SELF ESTEEEEM OK ALSO I WEAR THE PANTS I'M BETTER THAN YOU AND SUCH ET CETERA IN A REALLY NASALLY BRIGHT VOICE'

Plus she has a manga
Like that even makes sense.
Does she think she's Naruto?
D=

I digress.
The point is
My nose is really stuffy
And I want to go to sleep
But I can't because I slept all day today
So maybe I'll go draw the Mad Hatter and write some songs.

Also:
I dislike when people call water H20.
The end.

]]> ~MiNiSoRcErEsS Silly Kids, the Internet's not for Fighting! http://MiNiSoRcErEsS.deviantart.com/journal/14604257/ http://MiNiSoRcErEsS.deviantart.com/journal/14604257/ Wed, 12 Sep 2007 14:16:33 PDT People hating each over the internet
Especially about something trivial

But that's a story for another time.
I'm sick.
And you know. That's never fun.
I lost my train of thought. I'm not sure how obvious that was.

So September eighth would have been my anniversary with my ex. Our three year. Yeah. That really sucks. Right before my half-birthday, too. Yes, I count those things, leave me alone D= I can't celebrate my birthday.
It makes me feel bad.
So I'm trying to switch it over to my half birthday for any sort of celebration
Even though I only got three birthday parties in my whole life.

Wow that was really '

ity me'.
I'm going to be quiet.

Uhm
I need to get a new digital camera
For pictures and such. That will be fun. And for Williamsburg.

LYK MYSPACEPICZWOA.

I feel dirty just saying that.

Uhhhhhhhhhm...
That's it.

]]> ~MiNiSoRcErEsS Pointless Journal Holy Wow! http://MiNiSoRcErEsS.deviantart.com/journal/14580872/ http://MiNiSoRcErEsS.deviantart.com/journal/14580872/ Mon, 10 Sep 2007 19:25:06 PDT I have nothing important to say
But I kind of never do D=
But I'd rather be doing this than researching Barbarossa
It reminds be of Bar-bar-a
And some such good times.

Yeah I'm talking out of my ass, quiet.

There was a Malcolm in the Middle marathon. I watched the whole thing. I miss that show. Like, whatever happened to all of those actors? I know Francis is dating Laura Prepon and I saw his wife in commercials an I know Frankie Muniz did that weird movie with Hilary Duff, but yeah.
Just wondering.
I could check IMDB. If I felt like it.
Okay, well, Reese looks no different and he hasn't done anything besides the show. That's sad. Oh, but he's a producer. I wouldn't have guessed.
Ewwww Malcolm starred in a movie called 'My Sexiest Year'
That's kind of gross because I just always imagine he has no genitals because he's Malcolm and chaste and pure like Mother Theresa and gross.
And Dewey actually looks like a teenager. I'm really proud. I thought he was going to look like Pee Wee all his life. But he's hardly done anything

So yeah if you've never seen that show sorry for wasting your time!

Uhhhhhhm...
So my mom bought these peanut butter M+M's, and they were fucking huge. Like, ENORMOUS. It just boggled my mind.

Uh
I think I'm done now
So
I'm going to go do that Barbarossa thing.

]]> ~MiNiSoRcErEsS The Master of Puppets is Pulling Your Strings http://MiNiSoRcErEsS.deviantart.com/journal/14458797/ http://MiNiSoRcErEsS.deviantart.com/journal/14458797/ Sun, 02 Sep 2007 16:17:30 PDT I just came back from a concert
So I'm all like...full of energy. I just feel like jumping around
I almost wrote humping around. That would have been bad.

Anyway.
I pretty much suck at writing.
Ever since I got the internet on my writing computer, I've been distracted from writing by juvenile quizzes and hardcore songs.
Hardcore as in, not hardcore.
But it really bothers me. I want to write. But I just don't have the attention span to develop a worthy plot.
I remember in the good old days, when I wrote shitty fan fiction and felt like Jesus.

Do you know what else is bothering me?
I'm wearing this really cute shirt with black, white, gray, and rainbows and whatever.
But on one side it shows the top of my bra, and on the other one it doesn't.
And it's not even revealing.
Do I have uneven boobs?

Now that we're all thinking about my anatomy...
I'm too lazy to lose the rest of my weight
Like, I have less than twenty pounds to lose, but I'm just too lazy to do it. I just figure it will happen eventually.

And I need to go do my AP US homework.
Fook Colonies. Fook 'em all.

]]> ~MiNiSoRcErEsS