http://search.deviantart.com/?q=by:MistakenPoet&section=today deviantART RSS for by:MistakenPoet en-us Copyright 2009, deviantART.com Thu, 03 Dec 2009 02:25:31 PST deviantART.com http://blogs.law.harvard.edu/tech/rss http://s.deviantart.com/minish/widgets/apple-touch-icon-precomposed.png http://MistakenPoet.deviantart.com/journal/28642010/ http://MistakenPoet.deviantart.com/journal/28642010/ Sun, 29 Nov 2009 00:50:16 PST
And maybe... just maybe...
If I get through the pain...

I'll be free.

]]> ~MistakenPoet http://MistakenPoet.deviantart.com/journal/28602488/ http://MistakenPoet.deviantart.com/journal/28602488/ Fri, 27 Nov 2009 02:08:20 PST I said I don't know why either.
Then I said, "I'm sorry..."
And I held her around her waist...
And I kissed her for what felt like forever.
And yet not long enough.

I don't know why I love her,
but when I'm with her,
There's no question in my mind,
and I just do...

I love her.

I'm a wreck...

]]> ~MistakenPoet http://MistakenPoet.deviantart.com/journal/28445066/ http://MistakenPoet.deviantart.com/journal/28445066/ Thu, 19 Nov 2009 05:05:28 PST
]]> ~MistakenPoet http://MistakenPoet.deviantart.com/journal/28283055/ http://MistakenPoet.deviantart.com/journal/28283055/ Wed, 11 Nov 2009 00:38:01 PST I swing on the swingset at the park.
I look down the street, at my grandmother's house on the corner.
I switch my MP3 player to "Nutshell" by Alice in Chains.
A few rain drops land on my face, the cold wind blows back my hair.
I take out a cigarette, light it up, take a long drag.
Crying where I once played and laughed,
Looking down at the place where I grew up...

If I could go back and change things,
I really don't know what I would change.

If I could change things now,
I don't really know how I could change.

I'm just not cut out for this world.

Keep on stumbling along...

]]> ~MistakenPoet http://MistakenPoet.deviantart.com/journal/27967758/ http://MistakenPoet.deviantart.com/journal/27967758/ Sun, 25 Oct 2009 20:02:34 PDT I really do.
God...

]]> ~MistakenPoet http://MistakenPoet.deviantart.com/journal/27912509/ http://MistakenPoet.deviantart.com/journal/27912509/ Thu, 22 Oct 2009 19:24:52 PDT I'm everything you've ever wanted,

Let's just be friends...

]]> ~MistakenPoet http://MistakenPoet.deviantart.com/journal/27479931/ http://MistakenPoet.deviantart.com/journal/27479931/ Tue, 29 Sep 2009 03:48:34 PDT It's easier to keep falling,
Imitations are pale,
Emptiness all,
Tomorrow's haunted by your ghost,

Lay down, black gives way to blue,
Lay down, I'll remember you,

Fading out by design,
Consciously avoiding changes,
Curtains drawn, now it's done,
Silencing all,
Tomorrow's forcing a goodbye,

Lay down, black gives way to blue,
Lay down, I'll remember you...

]]> ~MistakenPoet http://MistakenPoet.deviantart.com/journal/27459021/ http://MistakenPoet.deviantart.com/journal/27459021/ Sun, 27 Sep 2009 22:38:24 PDT
I'm single again.

]]> ~MistakenPoet http://MistakenPoet.deviantart.com/journal/27331434/ http://MistakenPoet.deviantart.com/journal/27331434/ Mon, 21 Sep 2009 01:29:36 PDT
]]> ~MistakenPoet http://MistakenPoet.deviantart.com/journal/26202621/ http://MistakenPoet.deviantart.com/journal/26202621/ Mon, 27 Jul 2009 01:16:23 PDT
]]> ~MistakenPoet http://MistakenPoet.deviantart.com/journal/26019899/ http://MistakenPoet.deviantart.com/journal/26019899/ Sat, 18 Jul 2009 05:11:07 PDT
]]> ~MistakenPoet http://MistakenPoet.deviantart.com/journal/25999244/ http://MistakenPoet.deviantart.com/journal/25999244/ Fri, 17 Jul 2009 04:30:29 PDT
]]> ~MistakenPoet http://MistakenPoet.deviantart.com/journal/25890124/ http://MistakenPoet.deviantart.com/journal/25890124/ Sat, 11 Jul 2009 23:31:23 PDT
we can bleed together,
we can bleed together,
we can bleed together.

]]> ~MistakenPoet http://MistakenPoet.deviantart.com/journal/25783621/ http://MistakenPoet.deviantart.com/journal/25783621/ Mon, 06 Jul 2009 20:48:33 PDT Maybe I will.
Yeah...

]]> ~MistakenPoet http://MistakenPoet.deviantart.com/journal/25664968/ http://MistakenPoet.deviantart.com/journal/25664968/ Wed, 01 Jul 2009 02:57:25 PDT And then something made me remember...
Alice in Chains released the first single from their new album today.
I listened to it and my life has been fucking saved... for the moment.

Listen to it here, if you are curious.
I don't really give a fuck what you think.

"These things I hate in you,
Also reflect, it seems,
Distortion laced with spite,
Takes you out of me..."

]]> ~MistakenPoet http://MistakenPoet.deviantart.com/journal/25509249/ http://MistakenPoet.deviantart.com/journal/25509249/ Wed, 24 Jun 2009 03:39:49 PDT
]]> ~MistakenPoet http://MistakenPoet.deviantart.com/journal/25430251/ http://MistakenPoet.deviantart.com/journal/25430251/ Sat, 20 Jun 2009 07:52:03 PDT So now, once again, I am completely alone.
That's just fucking fine.

]]> ~MistakenPoet http://MistakenPoet.deviantart.com/journal/24930508/ http://MistakenPoet.deviantart.com/journal/24930508/ Sun, 24 May 2009 19:22:34 PDT
I'll cherish every memory and, deep in my fragile heart, I will always love her. I am pleased that she found happiness, that she found direction in life and someone who can give her what I never could. I promised everything would be okay, and it is okay, now. People come and go in our lives and I think we all serve a purpose. My purpose was not to spend eternity with her. It was to give her the strength to make it through this past year and a half. It was to teach her the lessons she needed to learn so that she could finally live. I gave her hope when she needed hope. I have played my part in her life.

But my fight... is very far from over. I have yet to find my savior. If God intends for there to be one.

I don't promise that I will be back. I promise that I might be. There will always be a chance. The future is not set in stone. Right now, I need to shut down, and focus on other aspects of my life.

Bye.

]]> ~MistakenPoet http://MistakenPoet.deviantart.com/journal/24883000/ http://MistakenPoet.deviantart.com/journal/24883000/ Thu, 21 May 2009 23:11:40 PDT - I failed eighth grade.
- I used to weigh three-hundred and forty pounds.
- I used to bully kids.
- I used to be bullied.
- I love people more than I probably should.
- I contradict myself.
- I hate people more than I probably should.
- I hate myself.
- I am a good kisser.

Eight Ways to Win Your Heart
- If you have to ask, I don't want you to have it.

Seven Things that Cross Your Mind A Lot
- "This sucks, fuck it."
- "I can't believe I just said that."
- "That's a nice ass."
- "They better not send any orders in, I'm fucking done."
- "I guess I was supposed to go the other way."
- "Just don't look. Maybe they'll ignore me - fuck!"
- "I hate this."

Six Things You do Before You Fall Asleep
- Brush teeth.
- Undress.
- Contemplate pajamas.
- Play guitar.
- Turn out the light.
- Pray.

Five Things that Frustrate You
- Myself.
- Mathematics.
- Computers.
- Children.
- Girls.

Four Things You Love to do On Rainy Days
- Take a long walk.
- Lay in bed and listen to the rain.
- Sit beside the window and read.
- Listen for thunder, if it's a thunderstorm.

Three Biggest Turn-ons:
- If I want you to know, you'll know.

Two Things you want to do before you Die
- Find out who I am.
- Be happy.

One Confession
- I enjoyed writing this.

I tag ...every single one of you. Hope you have as much fun as I did.

]]> ~MistakenPoet http://MistakenPoet.deviantart.com/journal/24761820/ http://MistakenPoet.deviantart.com/journal/24761820/ Thu, 14 May 2009 21:23:33 PDT of eating...
of sleeping...
of breathing...
Tired of this stupid world...
of it's stupid people...
of being alone...
of being hurt...
Tired of all of this confusion...
of never knowing who I am...
of never knowing who to be...
of never able to give enough...
Tired of not being able to write...
of not being able to draw,
of not being able to sing,
of not being able to live,
I am tired of surviving,
I am tired of surviving.
So I think that...
I will go to sleep.
I will hide myself...
From this stupid world,
And it's stupid people,
I will wish, wish, wish,
Until you all just...
Disappear.
*sigh*
I never asked for much.

]]> ~MistakenPoet http://MistakenPoet.deviantart.com/journal/24614259/ http://MistakenPoet.deviantart.com/journal/24614259/ Wed, 06 May 2009 07:43:32 PDT No matter how much I may give.

I don't feel well.

Oh yeah, I'm writing new poetry. I just haven't finished anything yet. But uh, yeah... I may be taking an intentional break from deviantART. As opposed to just not doing anything. We'll see.

]]> ~MistakenPoet http://MistakenPoet.deviantart.com/journal/24438615/ http://MistakenPoet.deviantart.com/journal/24438615/ Sun, 26 Apr 2009 03:04:33 PDT I cry myself to sleep,
Leave me alone,
But don't leave me,
My life sucks;
I like chocolate.
And green tea,
But they don't mix well,
I wish they did.

]]> ~MistakenPoet http://MistakenPoet.deviantart.com/journal/24083579/ http://MistakenPoet.deviantart.com/journal/24083579/ Sun, 05 Apr 2009 20:38:18 PDT
Rest in Peace, Layne Thomas Staley.
You'll never know how you changed my life.

Gone, but never forgotten. [link]
Your voice will ring on...

-

For those who don't know who he is...
If you care to find out, you'll find out.

]]> ~MistakenPoet http://MistakenPoet.deviantart.com/journal/23687448/ http://MistakenPoet.deviantart.com/journal/23687448/ Sat, 14 Mar 2009 02:25:16 PDT
It is a fact that the Great Cycle of the Mayan Long Count calendar does end on December 20th, 2012, and the new cycle begins on the 21st. It is not a fact that the calendar ends entirely on 2012. It continues. It's like the odometer on your car. Let's say it can go up to 999,999. Once it reaches that number, it rolls over back to 000,000 and the cycle continues. The Mayan Great Cycle works in a similar fashion.

Though they were great astronomers, there is nothing to make me believe that they were reliable and accurate prophets in regards to cataclysmic or other worldwide events. If you ask me, the news provides a clearer view of the direction of human civilization as we know it than the Mayan calendar does. While it is true that we are headed in a very violent and disastrous direction, it is not necessarily going to escalate to apocalyptic levels in the year 2012. It'll get worse well beyond that date.

Humans are like an infestation. You think you've eradicated every last roach, but then one crawls out from behind your kitchen counter. Our race will continue to exist well beyond the castasprohes that await us. It's just a matter of who. Even then, I doubt we'll change much. We are animals. We do everything wild animals do, we just complicate it. What separates us from animals is our ability to create art, to see the beauty in life and existence, to know God, and to look at the Universe and ask questions, about it, and about ourselves. We are capable of peace and harmony amongst one another, to love and be loved, and to unify so that we may continue to exist beyond the life span of our planet. We have technology and the ability to better it, and with it we may explore the beautiful space surrounding us that God has created. To find other worlds, to find new life, to learn. With all that we are capable of, with all that we have been given, we would rather spend our time on this Earth inventing a new bomb that can explode with three times the intensity of the last one. What the fuck?

I realize there are a lot of people pursuing all that I have spoken about. But there just aren't enough. We have yet to reach our potential and I don't know that we ever will. In less than 500 million years, the temperature of the sun will have increased so much that the Earth will have grown too hot for life as we know it to continue. We'll die. All we have worked so hard for now will be lost, assuming we ever survive that long, which at this rate I do not think we will. Our fancy cars, our nuclear bombs, our cell phones with picture mail, our MySpace and our Facebook and all this other dumb shit we come up with will be gone, and so will we, and nobody will be here to give a fuck about it. Some people are OK with that. Live for today, all that nonsense. Well, it's that very attitude that is keeping our potential future generations from ever having the luxuries that we all take for granted today. It's selfish, it's animalistic, and it's exactly what our problem is.

Or maybe I need to get out more.

"When the power of love overcomes the love of power, the world will know peace." - Jimi Hendrix

]]> ~MistakenPoet http://MistakenPoet.deviantart.com/journal/23498931/ http://MistakenPoet.deviantart.com/journal/23498931/ Mon, 02 Mar 2009 21:46:48 PST ounce of hate in me,
And if this pen were a gun
I could much more easily
express how I feel."

- Layne Staley

P.S. I am putting up new poems.

]]> ~MistakenPoet http://MistakenPoet.deviantart.com/journal/23354596/ http://MistakenPoet.deviantart.com/journal/23354596/ Sun, 22 Feb 2009 23:54:16 PST My name should be self-explanatory, but if it's not getting through, it's basically a reference to how people judge me before they truly know me. We all have experience with that. But people tend to read my poetry and think they know who I am, when they're really just seeing one side of me.

I joined this website in mid-late 2005 because of someone that I knew. This is my third or fourth account. I ditched the last ones to escape my past. That's all I have to say about that. I remain here because there are a few good artists amongst the seemingly infinite number of morons that have spawned from the Internet sub-culture. And I respect what they do and I am grateful for what they do.

2. What fandom were you obsessed with when you joined and what are you into now?
Nothing.

3. How many watchers do you have now?
27.

4. Name 3 of your favorite artists on DA
- This guy is pretty awesome. Mainly his "Despair" series, but he has a variety of sick, twisted art which pleases the horrible sadistic part of my mind. Plus, Half-Life art, which is always a good thing.

- Also incredibly awesome. He has a very unique, dark style and his images are deep and meaningful.

I highly recommend you look at both of these artists. Yes, I know I didn't include a third, but I can't choose one off the top of my head.

5. Do you comment, fav, or both?
Both of course.

6. Do you participate in clubs' contests here on DA?
No.

7. What is your most popular deviation?
"Never Remember" is my most popular, it would seem.

8. What are you favorite non-anime TV shows?
I don't watch TV. I don't even know what shows are on anymore.

9. What are the things you wish you could draw better?
Everything.

10. Summer or winter?
Spring.

11. Rain or Sun?
Rain.

12. What's your favorite type of music?
Alternative metal, rock, etc.

13. PC or Mac?
PC.

14. Anime or Manga?
Neither.

15. Coke or Pepsi?
Tea.

16. Read or TV?
Take a guess.

17. How many hours a day do you spend on DA?
I don't spend hours on dA, but I come here on and off throughout the night.

18. Name a hidden talent
My talents are pretty obvious.

19. Flash or traditional cartoons?
Traditional.

20. What is your favorite fast food restaurant?
I don't have a favorite fast food restaurant.

21. What are top 3 favorite books?
The Lord of the Rings.
The Hobbit.

Yeah, only two. I don't really have a third.

22. Wii or Playstation?
PC.

23. Name 3 of your favorite bands musicians/groups.
Alice in Chains.
Radiohead.
Nirvana.

24. Are you a fast, slow, or medium typer?
Used to be fast, now I'm medium.

25. Do you like Denny's?
No.

26. What is your favorite emoticon?
I haven't got one.

27. What is your favorite type of pie?
Cheesecake. It's a pie.

28. Have you ever stayed up for 24 hours?
Frequently.

29. Do you go on YouTube alot?
No. I only go there for live music or music videos once in a while.

30. Are you a member on any other sites besides DA?
Ultimate-Guitar, Bethesda Forums, and YouTube. I hardly use any of them.

31. Do you cosplay?
No.

32. Fruits or sweets?
Fruits.

33. Name 3 artists you admire
- An artist and a poet with high talent and potential. She is everything I expect from an artist... She is honest, her work is deep, and meaningful, and she stands by her beliefs and who she is.

Layne Staley - He was ...more than words can describe. And like many artists, so misunderstood. He was more than just a singer, he was a musician, he was a poet, an artist; whatever opinions others may have of him, he will always be my hero, as cheesy as that sounds.

J.R.R. Tolkien - He painted pictures with words. He crafted an interesting and deep world, within which he told amazing and inspirational stories. I think modern fantasy owes a lot to Tolkien and what he did.

34. Buttered, plain, or... ]]> ~MistakenPoet http://MistakenPoet.deviantart.com/journal/22895103/ http://MistakenPoet.deviantart.com/journal/22895103/ Thu, 29 Jan 2009 21:57:59 PST Yeah don't expect much poetry for a while. I can't even get one word down.
Not a word worth reading in any case.
This world is falling apart and I have no will to put together the pieces.
You're on your own.
It's one thing I know I'll never get right.
Yeah, don't mind me, I'm just nearing a nervous breakdown.
Again.

]]> ~MistakenPoet http://MistakenPoet.deviantart.com/journal/22831936/ http://MistakenPoet.deviantart.com/journal/22831936/ Tue, 27 Jan 2009 15:20:48 PST
]]> ~MistakenPoet http://MistakenPoet.deviantart.com/journal/22738644/ http://MistakenPoet.deviantart.com/journal/22738644/ Thu, 22 Jan 2009 15:30:38 PST
]]> ~MistakenPoet http://MistakenPoet.deviantart.com/journal/22080159/ http://MistakenPoet.deviantart.com/journal/22080159/ Sat, 20 Dec 2008 06:58:04 PST
It was one of the hardest and most important lessons God has taught me in life, and unfortunately it is one that I fail to put into practice on a regular basis.

We had a very ...difficult relationship. On one hand we were very close friends and we trusted each other. There were times where we had small crushes on each other, but it would always end up the same way. Arguments, fights, not talking to each other anymore... then apologizing and forgiving, and moving on. It was an endless cycle.

Then I had it. It was the last fight I could bear to have with her. It didn't feel worth the heartache anymore. I told her in plain english to fuck off and never talk to me again. She came back to me a few days later and, I can't recall the exact words said, but it was something along the lines of, "I take it you really don't wanna talk to me again?" "No I don't." "Okay... bye." I said nothing.

Two weeks later, she died in her sleep from heart failure. I never apologized to her for the words I said, I never forgave her like I always had, I never even said a proper goodbye. And now that chance is gone. I can never, ever, ever tell her how much she meant to me, how much I loved her. I can never tell her truth about all of those lies I told her, including the biggest one of all, that I never wanted to talk to her again. All I need with her is thirty seconds. That is all I need. I know exactly what I would say to her. And I know that I will not be given that chance. That hurts more than anything we had ever said to each other.

Life is so precious. You don't know what will happen tomorrow. You don't know what will happen to the ones you love when you walk out the door. As freely as God gives life, he takes it. Each life is worth more than all the money and hate in the world put together.

I'm having a difficult time putting sentences together right now. I think the message is clear. If you love somebody... Let them know it every day. Never forget the feelings that you have deep down inside. Don't remember the ones you love with regret as I do. They can be taken from you so easily.

"Words get tangled on your tongue,
And you stumble on your feet,
When you miss somebody,
And everywhere you think you see them,
Walking down the street,
When you miss somebody,
When you miss somebody,
You tell yourself a hundred thousand times,
Nobody ever lives forever,
So you give it one more try,
To wave goodbye, wave goodbye,

Every hurtful thing you ever said,
Is ringing in your ear,
When you miss somebody,
And everything of beauty that you see,
Only brings a tear,
When you miss somebody,
When you miss somebody,
You tell yourself everything will be alright,
Try to stand up strong and brave,
When all you want to do is lay down and die."

That's all I have to share with you today. This is too personal and my heart aches too much to type anymore.

Peace, all...

]]> ~MistakenPoet http://MistakenPoet.deviantart.com/journal/21925028/ http://MistakenPoet.deviantart.com/journal/21925028/ Thu, 11 Dec 2008 02:52:50 PST [link] ...Yeah so I said I may or may not do it. Looks like I did haha.

ARE YOU:

1. Perfect? - No.
2. Tall? - 5'10". A bit over.
3. In your pajamas? - Not anymore.
4. Left handed? - No.

LAST:

1. Friend you saw: Joe, on Sunday.
2. Talked to on the phone: Joe, several hours ago.
3. Person to text you: A friend.
4. Was today better than yesterday? - No.

FAVORITES:

1. Number: 12, 7.
2. Colour(s): Red and black. (Yes Sarah, we like the same colours lol.)
3. Fruit: Apples and oranges.
4. Place: Chicago.

EIGHT EMOTIONS:

1. Are you missing someone right now? Yes.
2. Are you happy? - Yes.
3. Are you sad? - Yes.
4. Are you bored? - No.
6. Are you nervous? - Yes.
8. Are you tired? - A bit.

ABOUT YOU:

1. Real name? - Alex.
2. Nick names? - Nope.
3. Eye colour? - Brown.
4. Zodiac sign? - Libra.
5. Male or female? - Male.
6. Slut? -
7. Smart? -
8. Hair colour? - Black / dark brown.
9. Long or short hair? - Short, my picture is on here.
10. Sweats or Jeans? - Jeans of course.
11. Phone or Camera? - Umm?
12. Drink or Smoke? -
14. Righty or lefty? - See above?


FIRSTS:

1. First best friend? - Nicohlas in elementary school.
2. First crush? - Nicole. (Anyone notice what I notice? Lol...)
3. First pet? - A dog, Frisky.
4. First big vacation? - We went to Chicago when I was I think... 11 or something like that. Can't remember anything before that.

CURRENTLY:

1. Eating? - Nothing.
2. Drinking? - Nope.
3. I'm about to: Check an MSN message.
4. Listening to? - Good Enough - Evanesence, which, just ended.
5. Plans for today? - Therapy and final exams, later on today. Fun, fun, fun.

WHICH IS BETTER WITH THE OPPOSITE SEX?

1. Shorter or taller? - Shorter.
2. Romantic or spontaneous? - Both, kinda.
3. Sensitive or loud? - Sensitive.
4. Hook-up or relationship? - Relationship. People have tried to "hook me up" but fuck that.


HAVE YOU EVER:

1. Drank bubbles? - Probably.
2. Lost glasses/contacts? - Yes.
3. Ran away from home? - Yes.
4. Broken someone's heart? - Yep.
5. Been arrested? - No.


DO YOU BELIEVE IN:

1. Miracles? - Yep.
2. Yourself? -
3. Heaven? - Yes.
4. Santa Claus? - No.
4. Love? - Yes.
5. Do you like someone? - Yes.
6. Do you believe in God? - Yes.
7. Answered the truth on all questions? - Yes.


Q: What was the first thing you did this morning when you got up?
A: Thought of her.

Q: Do you have anything bothering you?
A: Yes.

Q: What's the last movie you saw?
A: Quantam of Solace. It was okay.

Q: Where is the last place you went?
A: My mother's house.

Q. Do you smile a lot?
A: ...

Q: Do you wish upon stars?
A: No.

Q: Are you a friendly person?
A: I can be.

Q: Where did you sleep last night?
A: In my bed.

Q: When was the last time you cried?
A: Last night.

Q: What was your last thought before going to sleep last night?
A: I don't remember.

Q: Rate life as of right now one being bad ten being great?
A: ...

Q: What do you hear right now?
A: My computer humming quietly.

Q: Does anything hurt right now?
A: Yes.

Q: What's your favorite month?
A: I don't really have one but I could say May, because I like Springtime.

Q: What did you do last night?
A: ...

And that's that. If anyone wants to do it feel free. No pressure.

]]> ~MistakenPoet http://MistakenPoet.deviantart.com/journal/21893699/ http://MistakenPoet.deviantart.com/journal/21893699/ Tue, 09 Dec 2008 06:26:05 PST nobody believed in God the way that I did. Nobody. And I was frightened to talk about Him with anyone and I often hid my feelings and lied.

And then, He brought into my life someone who felt the same way I did, who understood me, my feelings, my beliefs, who knew me. He brought me an answer to all of my prayers, including my prayer that I could somehow regain my faith. And so I've come to realize that God can come to you in many forms, and when you feel like you have lost Him, somehow, He finds his way back to you. Love is the greatest blessing I have ever received.

For me, God speaks strongest through music ...For me, God is music. It is very difficult for people to understand. Everyone has a favorite band. A band they love to listen to more than any other. A band that has changed them and saved them. Or, it doesn't have to be a band, it could be one person. I'm no exception. I don't talk about them often because it is extremely personal for me, but Alice in Chains saved me and continue to save me. Layne T. Staley is my fucking hero. When I hear his voice, I feel inside a way that I cannot describe. When I see his face and his smile I feel something that cannot be explained. How do you love someone you never have and never can meet? I don't know. All I know is in my darkest moments he was always there for me. His voice was always there, to remind me that I am not alone. They're not just my "favorite band" and he's not just my favorite singer. They and he are a part of who I am. I do not expect anyone in this world to understand that, though, I know one who might.

For me, that is how God speaks to me. When I am hurt, when I am alone, when I want to lay down and die. I pray and I listen to Layne. As I said I don't imagine anyone can understand that. And that's okay. I don't need them to. I am not religious, I do not force my beliefs on anyone, nor do I believe anyone is wrong. God comes to all of us in a way that we feel comfortable with, a way that we understand, and it is nobody's place to say who is wrong and who is right. And I do not expect anyone to judge me for how I feel and what I believe.

These are just things that have been heavy on my mind tonight. I don't care what anyone here has to say... If you even read all of that. If you think I'm crazy, you're right. If you don't care, great. Whatever. All I hope and pray for is that everyone out there finds the same love and understanding that I have found. In the end, your life is what you make of it. Never let anyone else decide for you.

Peace and love.

]]> ~MistakenPoet http://MistakenPoet.deviantart.com/journal/21711356/ http://MistakenPoet.deviantart.com/journal/21711356/ Fri, 28 Nov 2008 07:46:03 PST
And now I want to be alone. I don't even feel lonely right now. I honestly just want to be alone. I wanna shut my door, shut the lights, curl up in bed and just be alone. Thing is, I really don't have a choice in the matter anyway.

I really don't know what to say. Fuck.

]]> ~MistakenPoet http://MistakenPoet.deviantart.com/journal/21528776/ http://MistakenPoet.deviantart.com/journal/21528776/ Mon, 17 Nov 2008 03:31:00 PST
Right on...

]]> ~MistakenPoet http://MistakenPoet.deviantart.com/journal/21456899/ http://MistakenPoet.deviantart.com/journal/21456899/ Wed, 12 Nov 2008 16:01:47 PST
I've been invited to a party on Saturday. I'm nervous about going and I'm still debating it with myself, even though come Saturday I know I will go. I'm nervous because I don't know anyone there, but also because a girl will be there that is eager to meet me. And I am not used to being hooked up with girls like that. Now she has expectations, and I have to wonder if I can even remotely meet them. He told her the truth about me, but let's just say he... sugar-coated it. He told me to just be myself.

Be myself...

I suppose if you tell a lie for too long it's bound to come out eventually. But if I can pretend long enough for the mask to become my true face ...Wouldn't that be better than going on like this? I have to lie. I'll be myself as much as I can be. But I have to lie, somewhat... I even lie to my best friend. I have to.

I wonder if anyone else agrees with me. Or if I am just completely out of my mind. I guess that happens when you... never mind. So many things to think about. And right now, thinking is the last thing I want to do.

I'll just pretend that everything is gonna be okay.

I'll have some new poetry up soon. I'm suddenly inspired. That is not a promise, though.

]]> ~MistakenPoet http://MistakenPoet.deviantart.com/journal/21400264/ http://MistakenPoet.deviantart.com/journal/21400264/ Sun, 09 Nov 2008 07:23:55 PST
"...no matter where I go, I still come home me." - Layne Staley

]]> ~MistakenPoet http://MistakenPoet.deviantart.com/journal/21209808/ http://MistakenPoet.deviantart.com/journal/21209808/ Tue, 28 Oct 2008 21:43:34 PDT
On top of being sick, lately I've been really depressed. I had to drop out of one of my college courses, because I was failing and the teacher told me I didn't have a chance to catch up. Too far into the course, too much missed work, etc. So I dropped it. It wasn't easy, but I really don't want to talk about it anymore.

I am really fucked up. I've been so depressed at points recently where I just don't feel anything at all. Everything I once enjoyed is now really dull for me, or, hard to enjoy. I feel hollow, broken, robbed of life. I feel distant from the world and from society, and I feel very, very alone. Like there is nobody I can turn to anymore. I feel more dead than I do alive.

I honestly have no idea what to do. Too much of what I feel and think is too personal for a public journal entry, and as badly as I need to get it out, there's nobody I can talk to. I don't want to talk to anyone. As lonely as I am I mostly feel like curling up into a ball in some dark forgotten corner, like that's where I am meant to be. That's where I am anyway, most of the time.

It's so hard to write this, I can hardly think of the words to type anymore, so I need to stop. But I had to get something out, somewhere. And I suppose people have a right to know what's happening with me. Not that I'm anything special. I don't quite know anymore.

]]> ~MistakenPoet http://MistakenPoet.deviantart.com/journal/20929556/ http://MistakenPoet.deviantart.com/journal/20929556/ Fri, 10 Oct 2008 23:33:23 PDT
The morning of my birthday was the best part, from there it was all downhill, pretty much. I didn't go to class and missed an exam ...whatever, don't wanna think about it right now. My grandparents didn't acknowledge it was my birthday at all. They didn't wish me a happy birthday, my grandfather didn't bake a cake as he used to do, they didn't give me a card, or a gift. They didn't forget, either. Don't read me wrong, I am not upset. I really don't give a shit. I respect them, but they don't respect me... fair enough. I'll just stay away then.

Most people find this bizarre but my sister and I share the same birthday, but we aren't twins. We were born two years apart. So, it's "our" birthday, really. I turned twenty-one, she turned nineteen. I spent most of my day at my mother's house with her. My mother gave us money, and her and I went out for dinner. We talked, a little. Mostly about how much our birthday sucks, and getting depressed about how everyone else our age is partying, having sex, and getting loaded and we're sitting here with each other getting fat on fried chicken and french fries. She talked about her shitty boyfriend, I talked about my shitty everything. It was actually just like every other day, haha.

Then we went back to my mother's house and there was ice cream cake for us. But they didn't have any candles, so, my mother got matches and put them in the cake like candles. My family is crazy. And while they're singing happy birthday the matches are burning to black and pieces of ash are falling on the cake. Don't worry, after I blew out the ...two or three matches that were still lit... we cleaned the cake. It was good. It was ice cream. *shrug*

I didn't get much in the way of gifts but I never asked for anything. I'm not materialistic. I got $170 in total from various family members, and new jeans and a shirt from my aunt (we had gone shopping a week before my birthday).

"My 21st birthday... ah I remember that day. I ...went to a pizzeria with my sister."

Oh, fuck it...

]]> ~MistakenPoet http://MistakenPoet.deviantart.com/journal/20882778/ http://MistakenPoet.deviantart.com/journal/20882778/ Tue, 07 Oct 2008 22:54:45 PDT
I'm still around, in case anyone has wondered. I just have very little that I want to say in my journal, and I haven't had anything to upload (I got ideas, but nothing has come out yet).

I am looking at everyone's work a little bit at a time, when I can. I have over a hundred deviations to look at and they are coming in faster than I can read them. I'm not a machine. I like to give each piece the attention it deserves, so feel flattered that I am taking my time to look at your work, rather than rushing through it.

...

"I’m looking at the stars tonight,
It’s not like it used to be.
Everything is bland without you,
I can’t see the constellations,
Just a black cloud over me.
Please come back soon,
So the stars can shine again."

Written in May of 2006, over two years ago ...I've improved, huh?

I've enjoyed looking at and sharing my old poetry. It's interesting, the things that I've found as I go back. It is a bit scary how I can relate now to poems that I wrote two years ago. Some of it is actually pretty damn good too. If I go back too far, though, there is some awful poetry to be found. We'll just pretend they don't exist. Not that what I just pasted is anywhere near as good as the poetry I write now.

Anyhow, time for sleep, and tomorrow / today I'll maybe update my journal to share how my birthday went. Of course if it goes right, I won't remember enough to share, ha! ...I'm kidding. I don't break my promises. Usually.

]]> ~MistakenPoet http://MistakenPoet.deviantart.com/journal/20530696/ http://MistakenPoet.deviantart.com/journal/20530696/ Wed, 17 Sep 2008 00:10:03 PDT
]]> ~MistakenPoet http://MistakenPoet.deviantart.com/journal/20382295/ http://MistakenPoet.deviantart.com/journal/20382295/ Sun, 07 Sep 2008 20:14:04 PDT extremely long, and boring. And you don't have to read it.

I'm not looking for attention, this is all very unimportant and I'm just bitching, because this is the only place I have to get things out. I bottle up my feelings a lot, and to be honest it hurts way too much to open myself up to anyone anymore, so I have to pretend a lot, and I guess things are better that way. And I don't expect anyone to comment here or even read this. Like I said, I just want to get things out for myself.

Like how I'm feeling, recently. The mood icon and the journal title say a lot really. I've felt neglected by pretty much everyone. And strange, different, unwanted, unimportant, and lonely. And the worst part about everything is that I know that I deserve it. I know that I deserve this as well as pretty much everything that has happened to me in my life. Most of the time I just want to kick myself and say, "Get over it". I wish it were that simple, but it isn't.

I don't even know who I am anymore, and I don't know who I am supposed to be. I guess in some ways I know what I want to be. I want to be normal, wanted, understood, acceptable. I want to fit in with society, and not be such a freak and an outcast. I'm just so hated and I don't know why! I have never done anything but try to be a friend and people just reject me. I'm not cool enough. I'm fat, and I'm ugly, and I'm a loser.

I don't know what to do with myself. I have gotten so bad that I can't enjoy my life at all. I am deeply depressed, and I feel worthless, hopeless, and frightened. I am so desperate for a change and for some kind of relief from all of this, so that, for once, I can just be absolutely happy with myself and my life. I'm so desperate I am willing to try anything. I tried calling two psychiatrists, I thought of getting back on anti-depressants. But one couldn't take me and the other I couldn't get in contact with. And I don't really want to be on anti-depressants again, I hate it.

Just... what else do I do? Nobody understands what this is like. All things in my life, good and bad, have become dark and blurry, and I am just drifting. Most of the time, I feel like a zombie, and the rest of the time, I am in a panic and unable to cope with or understand reality. Am I supposed to turn to drugs? Alcohol? Sex? ...Am I really meant to be just some sleazy addict? I don't think so. God wouldn't give me the dreams that I have if He did not want me to follow them.

I haven't been going to the gym like I am supposed to though. Monday I'm going to start again. But it has been very hard. When I get depression I also get physical symptoms. Fatigue, muscle weakness ...sometimes to the point where I can't move. Recently I was walking out of my bedroom and I just fell against the wall sobbing because I just had no energy and couldn't move. I get aches, and chest pains, and horrible headaches (I've had one for the past five days), and I have stomach pains and everything I eat makes me wanna vomit. So I haven't been eating much (or very healthy when I do), and I'm not gaining weight (actually lost a couple of pounds), but I really have to try and get back into exercising properly. On top of all that I have anxiety attacks, quite frequently. And I can get very tense and panicky and nervous.

Lately I've really wanted to just disappear. I'm so ashamed of myself, and I hate myself so much, and I don't want to be seen or known. I've wanted to run away. Turn off my computer and stop talking to people. I won't... I promise you I won't do that. It's just the way I have felt. Worthless and unimportant.

I guess, on a positive note... I have started college and I am really excited about it. I only have two classes but I plan on getting involved in theatre and also in the different clubs there. Excited but, also really nervous. It's gone okay, so far, but I just hope I can sort myself out, and that things turn out alright there. My first day there was pretty good. And I was surprised. The students in my class were friendly and one of them actually turned to talk to me out of nowhere. She was really good-looking too, way too pretty to be talking to someone like me but... she did. And it made me feel normal, for a while. So things might be okay.

And I do have to thank several people for being there for me. Even when they don't realize it. I don't want to say any names because I don't think that they'd want their names being put out there like that. But you know who you are. And I need you to know that everything you do means so much to me. And I thank you sincerely for it. (Especially those who took risks to talk to me. You know who you are...) I know that it's hard, so, yeah... thank you very much.

I'm exhausted and I can't really type anymore. But I think I've said... ]]> ~MistakenPoet http://MistakenPoet.deviantart.com/journal/19513909/ http://MistakenPoet.deviantart.com/journal/19513909/ Mon, 21 Jul 2008 08:10:53 PDT
My eyes were bloodshot and bruised from the lack of sleep. I've only had about eight hours of sleep in the past two or three days. I haven't been eating right or drinking a lot of water, because I just can't, as hard as I try... so I've felt dehydrated and sick. I'm drinking water now so I feel a bit better than I did before, but my stomach is still in knots and I can't bring myself to eat anything. There were a lot of times in these past few days where I was just paralyzed, I couldn't get out of bed, I couldn't walk. I couldn't even talk. But you know what's funny? I could still sing.

Music is so beautiful that sometimes it just brings me to tears. Sitting in bed with my guitar, strumming and singing a song, either one of my own or a cover, and just... letting all of the passion and the pain flow out of my heart and into my fingertips, into my guitar, into my voice. It's a feeling that I cannot even begin to describe. I am in love with music, and it scares me when I'm away from it, when I can't feel close to it. And sometimes I don't.

I keep crying still, and I still feel pretty awful. I just didn't want this to be an entirely negative journal entry and that's why I talked about music. I'm trying to stay hopeful that things will turn out alright. I'm just lonely, real lonely... and frightened.

]]> ~MistakenPoet http://MistakenPoet.deviantart.com/journal/19149694/ http://MistakenPoet.deviantart.com/journal/19149694/ Tue, 01 Jul 2008 18:52:12 PDT
Anyone who has me on MSN is going to notice a contact request from "MistakenPoet87@hotmail.com". That's me. Please add me, that's my backup account in case anything happens again.

And that's it really.

]]> ~MistakenPoet http://MistakenPoet.deviantart.com/journal/18809876/ http://MistakenPoet.deviantart.com/journal/18809876/ Wed, 18 Jun 2008 23:06:05 PDT did.

]]> ~MistakenPoet http://MistakenPoet.deviantart.com/journal/18458764/ http://MistakenPoet.deviantart.com/journal/18458764/ Mon, 26 May 2008 18:12:21 PDT [Edit: Thanks everyone who commented. I do appreciate the comments, and they have helped a bit. They weren't expected or asked for and I received them anyway, so I am thankful. I'll dig my old self out, eventually.]

Lonely, anxious, depressed, angry, frustrated, can't stop crying. Yeah, it hasn't been a good couple of days. I've "become" a vegetarian, i.e. I'm not eating meat anymore, strictly plant foods. Everything I eat lately makes me sick though, so I've barely been eating anyway. Still exercising but I get tired really quick, probably from not being able to eat.

I have no social skills whatsoever. I can't seem to make any friends, let alone meet a girlfriend or anything. Nobody seems to like me or want to talk to me. It's always been that way, and I don't know why. I didn't think I was that bad of a person, but apparently, I am. I don't like being alone... and that's exactly what I am. Damn...

I'm freaking the fuck out right now. I keep having fits of anger and wanting to break something, followed by sobbing uncontrollably and grabbing my face and trying to hide myself somehow. I feel like I'm spiraling out of existence. Everything is an endless black void, my life has no direction, no meaning, I don't feel like I am worth anything. I don't feel loved or wanted, it's like everyone has abandoned me and I'm frantically trying to find some sort of friend, some sort of comfort. I'm so pathetic.

I can't write or draw and that's why I haven't been uploading anything new. I mean, I will draw a few lines and write a few words, but I am unhappy with everything. The only thing I can really do is take photographs, because all I gotta do is hit a button. I'm not sure when I'll get back to doing these things. I want to, but I'm in a lot of pain and I can't focus.

It's getting really unbearable and I'm not sure what to do. I don't want to give up on life, there is too much I wanna do. But I don't know how to do it. I've come so close to killing myself recently that I've actually written "suicide" notes in my journal (my real one next to my bed). One night I was so convinced I was going to die that I panicked and scribbled notes in my book as fast as I could. I won't go into details though. I have overdosed on my sleeping pills so many times that I don't even have enough to overdose anymore (should've taken more I guess?), and I can't cut myself because I can't wear long sleeve shirts to the gym, and I don't need people there seeing shit like that (especially my trainer). Plus the weather has gotten warm.

I wanna tell myself that everything will be okay. But I can't really believe that. Not right now I can't. I look in the mirror and all I see is fat and ugly ...I haven't been losing any weight that I can tell and... I don't know.

I'm going to try and walk to the graveyard to see my grandparents and my uncle now. Maybe I'll find some comfort amongst the dead.

I apologize for this long, depressing, pessimistic journal entry. But art and expression is my relief, and having a place to say how I feel helps me a bit. Knowing that someone out there might understand me ...it's important.

Bye.

]]> ~MistakenPoet