deviantART: by:Muted-Mathmatics

deviantART: by:Muted-Mathmatics http://search.deviantart.com/?q=by:Muted-Mathmatics&section=today deviantART RSS for by:Muted-Mathmatics en-us Copyright 2009, deviantART.com Tue, 15 Dec 2009 11:43:05 PST deviantART.com http://blogs.law.harvard.edu/tech/rss http://s.deviantart.com/minish/widgets/apple-touch-icon-precomposed.png P e a c e. http://Muted-Mathmatics.deviantart.com/journal/28236121/ http://Muted-Mathmatics.deviantart.com/journal/28236121/ Mon, 09 Nov 2009 10:44:31 PST I have accepted my broken ways.
When i put the bottle to my lips or feel the pills on my teeth, I just smile because no matter what,
I'm still alive & i'm in love.

Last night, i drank to my capacity.
In my drunken state Ben drove me home
back into town, in my car.

He proceeded to carry me up to my room
& help me undress to my underwear.
After laying me down, he took my hands in his
and in a quiet whisper he proposed to me.

Its our own little secret.
And it means the world to me.

^{CSS Journal Coded by =FleX177}
]]> ~Muted-Mathmatics F a l l i n g I n L o v e. http://Muted-Mathmatics.deviantart.com/journal/27601873/ http://Muted-Mathmatics.deviantart.com/journal/27601873/ Mon, 05 Oct 2009 17:08:25 PDT I think I've found the guy I am going to marry.

]]> ~Muted-Mathmatics D r u g g e d. http://Muted-Mathmatics.deviantart.com/journal/27286755/ http://Muted-Mathmatics.deviantart.com/journal/27286755/ Fri, 18 Sep 2009 18:49:38 PDT i'm falling again.
i can't keep on doing this time after time.
its not glamourous.
its hell.

however, its also comforting.
something you fall back into easily.

i'm missing the pills.
i'm scraping the bottom of bowls just to get high.
i drink every last drop of my alcohol.
and the scars on my ankles
are proof that i'm coming unglued.

i can't get things out of my mind
as easily as i used to.
only certain things keep me sane.
sleep is the only thing i find comforting
because its never been there for me before.

Ben doesn't deserve a girl in this state.

]]> ~Muted-Mathmatics A l c o h o l. http://Muted-Mathmatics.deviantart.com/journal/26861901/ http://Muted-Mathmatics.deviantart.com/journal/26861901/ Thu, 27 Aug 2009 17:38:04 PDT NOTICE!

I have recently created a new deviantart
that I would really appriciate you all
to look at.

[link]

tell me good shit.

]]> ~Muted-Mathmatics L i f t. http://Muted-Mathmatics.deviantart.com/journal/26646792/ http://Muted-Mathmatics.deviantart.com/journal/26646792/ Mon, 17 Aug 2009 09:55:55 PDT My legs are bleeding again.
&& my polaroid film is out.

]]> ~Muted-Mathmatics H o m e. http://Muted-Mathmatics.deviantart.com/journal/26508486/ http://Muted-Mathmatics.deviantart.com/journal/26508486/ Mon, 10 Aug 2009 15:16:50 PDT Finally home.
Its amazing how good your bed can feel.
Spent most of the days with Ben.
Shocking news.
My good friend Kelly may be having a child.
Wonder if i can be the godmother?

]]> ~Muted-Mathmatics H o l i d a y & V o d k a. http://Muted-Mathmatics.deviantart.com/journal/26220690/ http://Muted-Mathmatics.deviantart.com/journal/26220690/ Mon, 27 Jul 2009 20:48:31 PDT you're always looking for something
to sniff, smoke, or swallow
calling over next door to see what they got
but you would settle for anything
that would make your brain slow down or stop
break this circle of thoughts you chase
before they catch back up with you
and your parents noticed your thinning face,
all the weight you lost
all the weight you are losing
you said, "i'm done feeling like a skeleton
no more sleep walking dead"
you're going to wake from this coma
you're going to crawl from this bed you have made
and stop counting on that camera
that hangs round your neck
because it won't ever remember
what you choose to forget

- Bright Eyes.

I'm leaving for holiday in a few hours.
Its 1:03 a.m. and i'm rather drunk.
Vodka and orange soda.
quite an odd mix, but it does the trick.
make sure to view my gallery while i'm gone.
and leave lovely stuff for me to come back to
cheers!

]]> ~Muted-Mathmatics C l e a n i n g. http://Muted-Mathmatics.deviantart.com/journal/26170750/ http://Muted-Mathmatics.deviantart.com/journal/26170750/ Sat, 25 Jul 2009 12:53:50 PDT I'm cleaning up my deviantart. be patient. thnks.

]]> ~Muted-Mathmatics Ben. http://Muted-Mathmatics.deviantart.com/journal/26093875/ http://Muted-Mathmatics.deviantart.com/journal/26093875/ Tue, 21 Jul 2009 18:40:57 PDT i never knew he liked me.
he always seemed so distant.
hiding behind his cigarette, dreaded hair.

i always knew i liked him.
but i had to hide it.
i didn't want to seem desperate.

he made the first move.
i made the second.

we listen to Manchester Orchestra
on drive homes, and can't ever seem
to let eachother go.

I smile when we are together.
Its been many relationships ago
that that occured between my lips.

And when he is gone,
minutes seem like hours
and i don't know what to
do with myself.

But i know when he comes back
everything will be perfect again.
Like nothing every happened.

And simply, in the end,
i may be falling for him.

7.18.09.

]]> ~Muted-Mathmatics M i n d l e s s. http://Muted-Mathmatics.deviantart.com/journal/25961377/ http://Muted-Mathmatics.deviantart.com/journal/25961377/ Wed, 15 Jul 2009 10:32:26 PDT waking up in the dark.
unable to find a place to grasp.
i have no feeling in my legs.
and everything is spinning.
this is how it is after day five.
you can't speak.
you can't hear.
you can't stand correctly.
your loosing everything so fast, yet so slowly.
late night songs imerge in your head
and you can't shake it enough to release.
those empty bottles.
those empty thoughts.
" but this is how it has to be "

]]> ~Muted-Mathmatics Y e s t e r d a y s. http://Muted-Mathmatics.deviantart.com/journal/25736970/ http://Muted-Mathmatics.deviantart.com/journal/25736970/ Sat, 04 Jul 2009 14:30:56 PDT
full of cupcakes and pills.
living on bathroom floors and
in the arms of a boy who doesn't deserve me.
constantly taking photographs,
and working jobs that don't pay enough
for gas and cigarettes.

i'm wasting away, they say.
i have a plan,
and i intend to keep it that way.

recently i was told i had narcalepsy.
that explains everything.
my doctor says i am the most happiest case
of suicide they have ever seen.

]]> ~Muted-Mathmatics S o o n. http://Muted-Mathmatics.deviantart.com/journal/25397668/ http://Muted-Mathmatics.deviantart.com/journal/25397668/ Thu, 18 Jun 2009 15:09:15 PDT I think, me of all people, am falling in love all over again?

]]> ~Muted-Mathmatics M o m e n t s. http://Muted-Mathmatics.deviantart.com/journal/25084705/ http://Muted-Mathmatics.deviantart.com/journal/25084705/ Tue, 02 Jun 2009 08:28:28 PDT Why am I looking for something better,
when that something better
is right in front of me?
I feel like i have higher expectations,
but maybe I'm just content with the abuse.

And i want to be pure & light,
like a cloud.
And i want to be gutted out like an
abandoned house.
And i want to be peeled & skeletal like
wallpaper left to rot.
And i want to be the dirty underneath
my barefeet; wasting & erroding away.

]]> ~Muted-Mathmatics &%63#@ http://Muted-Mathmatics.deviantart.com/journal/24993911/ http://Muted-Mathmatics.deviantart.com/journal/24993911/ Thu, 28 May 2009 08:55:46 PDT
]]> ~Muted-Mathmatics C o n t e n t ? http://Muted-Mathmatics.deviantart.com/journal/24854846/ http://Muted-Mathmatics.deviantart.com/journal/24854846/ Wed, 20 May 2009 11:20:10 PDT A week ago, I met Daniel.
He is loud. quite. mature. inmature. blonde. fun. annoying.
I had to end what we had cause he was apparently leaving
in three weeks for Flordia.
That has all changed now.

Saturday.
I went to a party.
Daniel was there.
So was his friend Austin.
Daniel and Austin both, were drunk.
I slept in a tent with Austin that night,
and we cuddled and talked till five in the morning.

He told me how he liked me.
That was the reason for his obnoxious staring
Friday at Grants.
He said he was jealous of Daniel, but said we should date.
He didn't let go of me the whole night.

]]> ~Muted-Mathmatics F U K $ . http://Muted-Mathmatics.deviantart.com/journal/24650602/ http://Muted-Mathmatics.deviantart.com/journal/24650602/ Fri, 08 May 2009 12:05:35 PDT I'm not in it for ever.
I'm not in it for the sex.
I'm in it for the love i have yet to find.

]]> ~Muted-Mathmatics F l a w l e s s. http://Muted-Mathmatics.deviantart.com/journal/24466194/ http://Muted-Mathmatics.deviantart.com/journal/24466194/ Mon, 27 Apr 2009 15:57:11 PDT i always end up liking the one i can't have.
the one who makes me feel ontop of the world.
who holds me under the stars and when he wants to make
sure i'm still breathing.
the one i can't trust, although i know i shouldnt.
the one who makes me believe everything will always be okay.
the one who knows me even though its only been a few weeks.
who keeps me from crying, and always encourages my smile.
who would be there at the scene of anything,
making sure i was okay.

And yet i would be so scared to have him

]]> ~Muted-Mathmatics M a l e s. http://Muted-Mathmatics.deviantart.com/journal/24445125/ http://Muted-Mathmatics.deviantart.com/journal/24445125/ Sun, 26 Apr 2009 12:13:43 PDT kevin decided it is best we do not date anymore.
i'm tired of being used.
but i guess we only live once.
so, i'm moving on.

]]> ~Muted-Mathmatics N e w DA & L o v e. http://Muted-Mathmatics.deviantart.com/journal/24363525/ http://Muted-Mathmatics.deviantart.com/journal/24363525/ Tue, 21 Apr 2009 16:13:33 PDT For the past few months I've been working on a porfolio for my new DeviantArt - which has yet to be created.
Its going to be a reflection of my mind, personality, emotions and moods,
and I'm hoping to do it all in black and white.
Alot of the black and white photographs on this deviantart will be posted as old favorites.
Hopefully in the next month or so, I will have time to sit down
and create this new deviantart, so I shall keep you posted until then.

In other news, I am not single anymore.
It happened so fast.
He is on the other end of the spectrum from me.
And is definately not like any of the guys I've had in my life.
His name is Kevin.
And he is so good to me.
He is helping me work through this battle with recovering from anorexia.
And swears he will always be by my side.
No one thought we would get along or even talk,
but when I'm laying in his arms, too tired and weak to move,
I know that finally I really might have stumbled onto something
worth being with.

]]> ~Muted-Mathmatics C o m p l e x. http://Muted-Mathmatics.deviantart.com/journal/24238842/ http://Muted-Mathmatics.deviantart.com/journal/24238842/ Tue, 14 Apr 2009 13:15:56 PDT i like parties on the weekends.
and waking up at noon, confused and on a couch with friends
you just met smelling like love and cigarettes.

i like driving for miles and miles with no where to go,
and a sterio that knows all the right songs to play.

i like being held under the night sky, arguing
about constilations and how things are ment to be.

]]> ~Muted-Mathmatics B r o k e n. http://Muted-Mathmatics.deviantart.com/journal/23886951/ http://Muted-Mathmatics.deviantart.com/journal/23886951/ Wed, 25 Mar 2009 16:49:19 PDT I always end up breaking my own heart.
Putting myself in situations that end up in shambles.
I just want something to go good in my life for once.

If everything happens for a reason,
then where is the reasoning in all of this?

Saturday was the first time I got good sleep.
But I was also with Adam Saturday.
And he held me till i fell asleep.
Maybe I'm afraid of being alone,
or alone is afraid of being with me.

I'm just very sad to put it simply.
And i dont know what to do with myself?

]]> ~Muted-Mathmatics A t t r a c t i o n. http://Muted-Mathmatics.deviantart.com/journal/23831991/ http://Muted-Mathmatics.deviantart.com/journal/23831991/ Sun, 22 Mar 2009 13:06:51 PDT My hair is currently teal.
I'm thinking of quitting smoking.
I have been GO VEG for three weeks now.
I have had the best weekend ever.
I'm still single.
My phone hates me.
I lost my lens cap.
I wish it was summer.
I took too much Adderol this morning.

I have an attraction to a guy with a girlfriend.
We have secrets and kiss eachothers noses when we feel the need to.
Our hugs have more meaning than the origin of your name.
We sat on the dock by the lake, skimming the water with our feet.
There wasn't a moon out that night, only an array of stars and
pink tinged clouds.
He gives me butterflies and the ablility to trust.
He says we shouldn't, but we did anyways.
And I fell asleep fast in his arms.

Sometimes in the end, this always ends up happening to me.

]]> ~Muted-Mathmatics A d d i c t. http://Muted-Mathmatics.deviantart.com/journal/23734803/ http://Muted-Mathmatics.deviantart.com/journal/23734803/ Mon, 16 Mar 2009 18:01:04 PDT My last journal entry proved rather uplifting,
that it almost seems too good to be true.

Almost three years ago I became a drug induced anorexic.
Then very simply it turned into bulimia.
There wasn't much of a gentle transition with either.
And that stands true now.

I have recently fallen back into the path of drug induced anorexia again.
I really don't know how or why it happens.
But I do know its the simple feeling of comfort.
And its what I know.
And I'm scared.

]]> ~Muted-Mathmatics C i g a r e t t e s. http://Muted-Mathmatics.deviantart.com/journal/23696223/ http://Muted-Mathmatics.deviantart.com/journal/23696223/ Sat, 14 Mar 2009 14:53:35 PDT I've boycotted the internet since Monday.
It is now Saturday.
Everytime I have a bad break-up with anyone thats linked to me
on the internet, I usually stay clear of the cyber-world.

Anyways.
-I'm single again.
And I do not know how to handle it
because I havent really been single long
enough to know how it works.
It just feels wierd.
Especially without Brandon.
He was my everything.
And I still do not feel it was for the best that we ended it.

-I'm taking pictures for Pandora's Nightmare tonight.
That always makes me happy.

-I coloured my hair again. Black. like always. with a little blonde and dark purple/pink in the bangs.
Speaking of colour. I'm graduating cosmetology school earlier than I expected. Next May. I'm rather excited really.

-I got on a scale last week. I weight 119.
Thats a huge jump from 105. I'm starting to like my body again.

-Ever since breaking up with Brandon, I've been on a Bob Dylan listening frenzy. I think folk music does me good when I'm dealing with difficult times.

]]> ~Muted-Mathmatics M a g n o l i a. http://Muted-Mathmatics.deviantart.com/journal/23491322/ http://Muted-Mathmatics.deviantart.com/journal/23491322/ Mon, 02 Mar 2009 14:40:13 PST snow day.
i've been taking plenty of pictures all day to keep me occupied.
some i've posted today.
my car will not budge from the driveway.
i'm sporadically sipping on black coffee and chai tea to keep
me aware and awake at anything.
i want to cuddle and kiss.
and dye my hair black.
i cannot find my good nail laquer.
and i stubbed my big toe.
i'm in a relatively amazing mood.
and i'm ready for the snow to melt so i can drive.

i'm done with my relapse for now.
but it could come back.
i'm just not eatting as much and trying to hold down
what i do eat.
i'm sure my stomache is the size of a acorn.

]]> ~Muted-Mathmatics G e n e r a l. http://Muted-Mathmatics.deviantart.com/journal/23292154/ http://Muted-Mathmatics.deviantart.com/journal/23292154/ Thu, 19 Feb 2009 16:11:06 PST As many of you know, I admitted myself into a local mental facility last month. Upon being released, I ended up being the happiest I have ever been and remained rather healthy.

Its my most unpleasent pleasure to inform you that I have yet to keep that up. I have fallen victim to the unfortunate relapse.
I have dropped to a low 105lbs from being almost 125lbs.
My blood pressure is extremely low and
I am constantly in a zombie like state due to the heavy medication.
I have taken to purging again, and somewhat not even binging anymore,
but throwing up even when I havent eatten.
I've been unable to attend classes fully for the last few days,
and find that i am bleeding from my mouth and bruising easier than before.

I do not know where all this is going and I am not sure how I am feeling as to if I want to let it go, or continue this way.
For those who have addictions, you know what I am talking about.

I really do not need your sympathy but maybe encouragement.
I just want to do whats best for me, but I do not know what that would be.

- madeline.

]]> ~Muted-Mathmatics .. http://Muted-Mathmatics.deviantart.com/journal/22741508/ http://Muted-Mathmatics.deviantart.com/journal/22741508/ Thu, 22 Jan 2009 17:02:03 PST sex is mathematics.
individuality is no longer a issue.
intellect is not a cure.
justice is dead.
love cannot be trusted.
surface, surface, surface,
is all anyone can find meaning in.

i just like sitting around in my oversize plaid, with chopsticks in my hair and a cup of coffee in my hand reading whatever the drama is on the front page.
And my boy is on my left side asleep, dreaming sweet dreams of nothing, that will fade into the afternoon.
Its only 8 a.m. and in this small cramped apartment, i finally feel at home. The birds and the noise of traffic below have become familiar, and I take no notice in them anymore.
And when the pipes turn cold, we just do without. And when the generator goes out, we find ourselves under covers and covers just to keep warm.
Some people say we have it bad,
but i feel so rich,
and thats all that matters.

- madeline.

]]> ~Muted-Mathmatics E v e r y b o d y D a y l i g h t. http://Muted-Mathmatics.deviantart.com/journal/22721568/ http://Muted-Mathmatics.deviantart.com/journal/22721568/ Wed, 21 Jan 2009 19:35:33 PST i'm pretty much in love right now.

]]> ~Muted-Mathmatics W e e k e n d W a r s. http://Muted-Mathmatics.deviantart.com/journal/22613362/ http://Muted-Mathmatics.deviantart.com/journal/22613362/ Fri, 16 Jan 2009 11:56:35 PST For most of you who do not know, I recently just got home a few hours ago.
This past Monday evening I admitted myself into a mental treatment center for a 'rest'.
After spending up to five hours in the E.R.
i was fnally admitted at 3 a.m Tuesday morning
I have had an ongoing battle with major depression and bulimia.
The treatment center idea was the best thing I have ever done for myself, and I feel amazing.
The only thing I am afraid of is relapsing,
but I know that I can overcome this and move on with my life.

A : You like to drink.
B : You like people.
C : You are really silly.
D : You like to drink.
E : Damn good kisser.
F : You are dead sexy.
G : You never let people tell you what to do.
H : You have a very good personality and looks.
I : You Are Great in bed.
J : People Adore you.
K : You're wild and crazy.
L : Everyone loves you.
M : best kisser ever.
N : You like to drink.
O : awesome kisser.
P : You are popular with all types of people.
Q : You are a hypocrite.
R : Fuckin crazy.
S : Easy to fall in love with.
T : You're loyal to those you love.
U : You really like to chill.
V : You are not judgemental.
W : You are very broad minded.
X : You never let people tell you what to do.
Y : Best g/f b/f anyone could ever ask for.
Z : Always ready.

B: you like people.
U: you really like to chill.
M: best kisser ever.
B: you really like people.
L: everyone loves you.
E: damn good kisser.

]]> ~Muted-Mathmatics fck. http://Muted-Mathmatics.deviantart.com/journal/22488376/ http://Muted-Mathmatics.deviantart.com/journal/22488376/ Fri, 09 Jan 2009 13:53:32 PST
]]> ~Muted-Mathmatics Update. http://Muted-Mathmatics.deviantart.com/journal/22468163/ http://Muted-Mathmatics.deviantart.com/journal/22468163/ Thu, 08 Jan 2009 11:05:19 PST Went to the doctor.

Low blood count.
Started back on the basic meds.
Next month i am going to be put on a stablizer
and iron supplements.

I loose more blood than I should everyday.
The acid from my stomache has made the top
of my mouth and my gums a bit raw, therefore,
anysort of contact can make it bleed.
The bleeding has made me rather dreary.
I just try to get rest,
cause I do not get much sleep at night
due to insomnia and the fact that it sometimes
hurts my body when my bones settle.

I'm loosing weight quickly.
I think I may have lost a pant size in as little
as two weeks, which in my case would round me up
to a 2.

I cannot smoke as much anymore,
because some of the side affects to my meds
combined with tabacco/nicotine intake
can lead to stroke or heart problems.

I am trying to keep myself busy,
but its hard because I wear out rather fast.
I just hope to get better before its too late.

Brandon has done a wonderful job with keeping my spirits up. He knows that this disorder could alter our relationship, but for the first time he is the first
guy i've ever been with that has such a drive and fight
to keep up and stay with me.

Lexington has also been an amazing friend.
She has been through similar situations,
and is always there when i need her.

I will keep you posted if anything changes.
cheers!

]]> ~Muted-Mathmatics J a n u a r y. http://Muted-Mathmatics.deviantart.com/journal/22376330/ http://Muted-Mathmatics.deviantart.com/journal/22376330/ Sat, 03 Jan 2009 14:58:34 PST Pictures of Pandora's Nightmare were a huge success,
and they have asked me back to the UR. on the 31st
to do pictures again.

Got my camera back from Lexie.
I really wanna do some new stuff,
I just need that burst of inspiration.

Things are going well with Brandon.
I feel like I am dating for the first time,
which feels kinda good.
Haven't made contact with Warren since Christmas Eve.
Its a start. A very good start.

My weight has gone up.
I went from 105 to 115.
Its a shocker, and I'm confused and wondering
if I should keep it or not.

I started taking meds again.
I hope they will get me in line, and somewhat sane.
Next month i will be put on stablizers.
I'm kinda excited in a health concern kind of way.

I'm going back to being a black headed kid again.
I'm tired of this weird orangey-blonde brown.
Its depressing.

I should be getting my car fixed this month.
I'm seriously ready to get back behind the wheel
again.

I should be getting re-pierced soon.
I have to pay off some bills first.

I'm tired of cold and rainy weather.
I'm ready for spring break.

]]> ~Muted-Mathmatics aksjdkhshdkjk. http://Muted-Mathmatics.deviantart.com/journal/22341218/ http://Muted-Mathmatics.deviantart.com/journal/22341218/ Thu, 01 Jan 2009 19:59:15 PST so, why haven't i posted anything recent?
because my camera is with Lexington.
i have alot of free time on my hands right now,
so i'm going through old photographs and a few somewhat new ones and just fuckediting them.

my polaroid is also out of film
and i do not have the money this
week to get film.
plus, my scanner is broken.
:/

so, please. don't complain.

cheers!

]]> ~Muted-Mathmatics New Years. http://Muted-Mathmatics.deviantart.com/journal/22278550/ http://Muted-Mathmatics.deviantart.com/journal/22278550/ Tue, 30 Dec 2008 11:31:41 PST For the past four months i have been counting
down the days till 2008 ends.
I am ready for a fresh start.
I want to really find myself this year.
I will admit that 2008 has been rather eventful

2008

-broke off my two year relationship with Michael. Became best friends with him.

-got involved with the hardcore band Remember Tomorrows Skies [link]

-had a different relationship based off of love and friendship with Evan Spangler without calling it offical.

-randomly met a bunch of amazing people i realized i already knew but never gave the time of day to.

-got a tan.

-pierced my septumn myself 3 times over the summer.

-got my monroe pierced, then had it reject in November.

-became best friends with Lexington.

-saw my first strip show.

-got a polaroid. couldn't afford film.

-met and fell in love with a tuba player.

-got cheated on by tuba player.

-quit smoking for two months.

-dyed my hair a million times. i even went blonde.

-realized how much i love facial hair.

-watched Lexington get her first tattoo.

-still refused to wear shoes over the summer

-totalled two cars. lost almost all memory of september.

-met a artist named Wes. had a viciously amazing relationship that fizzed out on Halloween.

-started a new relationship with Wes's friend Brandon Cole and sadly that ruined their friendship.

-started therapy. quit taking meds.

-came out about my anorexia. still battling it however.

-lost alot of friends.

-stayed with alot of different people.

dear lord, i'm ready for 2009. [:

]]> ~Muted-Mathmatics I.MISS.YOU. http://Muted-Mathmatics.deviantart.com/journal/22150908/ http://Muted-Mathmatics.deviantart.com/journal/22150908/ Tue, 23 Dec 2008 20:41:17 PST I was always strong as long as we were a team
I crawled into somebody's heart who meant the world to me
Love made me strong enough to be alone and set me free
But with my friends friends to the end is where I wanna be
With my friends friends to the end is where I wanna be

am i falling in love again?

]]> ~Muted-Mathmatics Blacking.Out.The.Friction. http://Muted-Mathmatics.deviantart.com/journal/22136228/ http://Muted-Mathmatics.deviantart.com/journal/22136228/ Tue, 23 Dec 2008 07:36:23 PST Christmas is Thursday.
I cannot even comprehend at this point.

My life is starting to turn around.

I am finally in a new relationship,
which has suprised me rather than disapoint me.
I was skeptical at first, considering he is younger,
but he knows where he stands, doesn't get jealous,
and is extremely supportive of me.

My old Jeep, I am probably getting it fixed by January.
I love my Jeep for those who do not know.
She is my baby.

And I am finally becoming content with myself.

You got to sing like you don't need the money;
Love, like you'll never get hurt;
You got to dance like nobody's watchin'.
It's gotta come from the heart , If you want it to work.

this quote made me realize alot of good things..

]]> ~Muted-Mathmatics Sept. 6th. 08 http://Muted-Mathmatics.deviantart.com/journal/22015167/ http://Muted-Mathmatics.deviantart.com/journal/22015167/ Tue, 16 Dec 2008 12:48:49 PST i wish i had never turned 18.
it triggered this nuclear bomb on my fantastically amazing life.

perfect boy.
amazing friends.
supportive parents.
i lived for weekends.
you couldn't keep a smile off my face.
my heart was always on my sleeve.
late nights and trust.
skys and endless love.

i hate septembers now.
i hate watching rain and empty seats.
i'm back on medication just to get by,
and my smiles do not make me feel good anymore
i'm angry out of hate.
and i hate that i am angry.

i only believe in irony and bad luck.
not really good things to believe in.
but it seems like its all i have.
my guard is always up now.

i also want to point out that above all this
bitterness and remorse,
i'm doing my best to keep my spirits up.
my health is declining, and if i am not treated
or get a hold of myself soon, it could result
in serious action.

if you wish to speak to me on this matter,
or have any concern, i am fairly open to it.

- bumble

]]> ~Muted-Mathmatics We Looked Like Giants. http://Muted-Mathmatics.deviantart.com/journal/21770798/ http://Muted-Mathmatics.deviantart.com/journal/21770798/ Mon, 01 Dec 2008 17:02:10 PST Am i falling in love again?
I feel like my days are wasted,
and yet again, like I have no time.

I have cut back on the nicotine.
Kept everything perfect,
even on wrong days.
I miss the smell of summer.
The late nights, laying wherever
you find yourself, the darkness
pressing in against your skin.

I'm stuck.
I run loose temporarily.
I'm becoming more rugged.

I think I am beautiful.
Its been a long time since i have felt that.

Perhaps i blame it on him..

PANDORA'S NIGHTMARE. DEC. 6TH.
THEY KICKED THE OLD PHOTOGRAPHER OUT.
I'M IN.

]]> ~Muted-Mathmatics Trust Your Stomache. http://Muted-Mathmatics.deviantart.com/journal/21435924/ http://Muted-Mathmatics.deviantart.com/journal/21435924/ Tue, 11 Nov 2008 10:19:20 PST halloween.
ended up in the middle of nowhere.
bonfires. laughter. smoking. friends. hugs.
& i fell in love.
i felt like a little girl.
i haven't smiled so excessively in a long time.
i haven't felt so alive in forever.
i haven't had the guts to shut any feelings out yet.
i am letting them in.
i wish i had before. i'm learning to trust all over again.

second car accident.
ended up in the hospital the day after.
didn't have spinal trauma.
but i lost by baby Myrtle. (RIP)
and i am lucky to be walking, or better yet, alive.

i'm a cautionary person now.
i'm changing. everything is changing.
i'm ready for this year to be over.
i'm ready for something better
i'm ready for something new.

everyone is leaving.
and i will be eventually too.

[:

]]> ~Muted-Mathmatics Live & Learn http://Muted-Mathmatics.deviantart.com/journal/20908199/ http://Muted-Mathmatics.deviantart.com/journal/20908199/ Thu, 09 Oct 2008 15:42:38 PDT irony & second chances.

the only thing i believe in right now.

but all in all, the crying has ceased,
and all I can do is smile.

]]> ~Muted-Mathmatics Loosing Myself. http://Muted-Mathmatics.deviantart.com/journal/20743402/ http://Muted-Mathmatics.deviantart.com/journal/20743402/ Mon, 29 Sep 2008 14:48:52 PDT i've made alot of mistakes in my life.
but i've never done alot of regreting.

However, yesterday, i have regreted the last four
years of my life.
I could have saved myself.
Saved friendships. Saved my parents and mines relationship. And saved relationships with guys that are no more.

But when life flashes infront of your eyes,
and you wake up to find a woman banging on your
car window, you realize that living is more
important than anything.

I have posted alot of pictures concering
eatting disorders and perfection.
I myself, if most of you do not know already,
am suffering under the same category as those photographs.

I came out to my parents about it - after four long, tedious years - and now I am on the path to recovery.

]]> ~Muted-Mathmatics Sufjan Stevens Makes Everything Better http://Muted-Mathmatics.deviantart.com/journal/20493703/ http://Muted-Mathmatics.deviantart.com/journal/20493703/ Sun, 14 Sep 2008 17:12:18 PDT This last week has been the hardest week of my life - at least in a long time -

But its getting better.
I'm strong.
I know I am. Even if i still cry at night.
I've accepted what has happened,
its just the situation that keeps me afraid.

This is the second time this has happened this summer.
I'm afraid to love again, even though I want to.

]]> ~Muted-Mathmatics Forget Trust. http://Muted-Mathmatics.deviantart.com/journal/20413611/ http://Muted-Mathmatics.deviantart.com/journal/20413611/ Tue, 09 Sep 2008 19:52:43 PDT Woke up and wished that I was dead
With an aching in my head
I lay motionless in bed
I thought of you and where you'd gone
and let the world spin madly on.

The other night dear, as I layed sleeping,
I dreamed I held you close in my arms.
As I awoke dear, I was mistaken,
and I hung my head and cried.

]]> ~Muted-Mathmatics Run. http://Muted-Mathmatics.deviantart.com/journal/20164232/ http://Muted-Mathmatics.deviantart.com/journal/20164232/ Tue, 26 Aug 2008 09:53:09 PDT This world is way too small. [:

Sept. 13th. RTS photos.
[link]

Sept. 5th. I'm getting my first monroe.

]]> ~Muted-Mathmatics One Week Of Danger. http://Muted-Mathmatics.deviantart.com/journal/20093439/ http://Muted-Mathmatics.deviantart.com/journal/20093439/ Fri, 22 Aug 2008 10:08:44 PDT I miss him.

Photoshoots never fell through.
But that really doesn't bother me.
I was just hoping to expose new faces.

Cosmotology classes.

]]> ~Muted-Mathmatics Weekend Wars. http://Muted-Mathmatics.deviantart.com/journal/19932597/ http://Muted-Mathmatics.deviantart.com/journal/19932597/ Wed, 13 Aug 2008 11:03:05 PDT I have a series of photoshoots lined up next week
with some new people.
(:

Mika.
Kitty.
Sarah. lol.

Anyways.

Classes start on the 18th for me.
Cosmotology courses. kudos for my future.

Warren leaves for college Saturday.

]]> ~Muted-Mathmatics [: http://Muted-Mathmatics.deviantart.com/journal/19700322/ http://Muted-Mathmatics.deviantart.com/journal/19700322/ Thu, 31 Jul 2008 13:09:47 PDT
&& i'm going to take tons of pictures.

[link]
-WARREN.

♥

]]> ~Muted-Mathmatics Neon Blonde http://Muted-Mathmatics.deviantart.com/journal/19658566/ http://Muted-Mathmatics.deviantart.com/journal/19658566/ Tue, 29 Jul 2008 10:22:33 PDT
I need a shower. :/

Leah & I may be shooting today.
excitment!

]]> ~Muted-Mathmatics Back to My Roots. http://Muted-Mathmatics.deviantart.com/journal/19604383/ http://Muted-Mathmatics.deviantart.com/journal/19604383/ Sat, 26 Jul 2008 09:42:39 PDT I'm going blonde.

wish me luck.

]]> ~Muted-Mathmatics New Photo Projects. http://Muted-Mathmatics.deviantart.com/journal/19562806/ http://Muted-Mathmatics.deviantart.com/journal/19562806/ Wed, 23 Jul 2008 21:02:29 PDT
New Photo Projects coming up soon.

(:

super excited, much?
i am!

Friday :
A pin-up/rock-a-billy shoot with the lovely Noelle.

That should be fun. Always is a pleasure working with her.
We make an amazing team. <3

I am also helping my friend Leah shoot a portfolio
for SUICIDE.GIRLS.
She is going to attempt to get in when she becomes of age.

ps: purple hair. hear i come!!
So. wish her luck.

]]> ~Muted-Mathmatics Thunderstorms. http://Muted-Mathmatics.deviantart.com/journal/19546208/ http://Muted-Mathmatics.deviantart.com/journal/19546208/ Tue, 22 Jul 2008 22:41:16 PDT wow. can i get more shittier.

]]> ~Muted-Mathmatics Things I've Done. I Do Not Believe To Be Inferior. http://Muted-Mathmatics.deviantart.com/journal/19517120/ http://Muted-Mathmatics.deviantart.com/journal/19517120/ Mon, 21 Jul 2008 11:36:14 PDT (x) Smoked A Cigarette
( ) Smoked A Cigar
(x) Kissed A Member Of The Same Sex
SO FAR: 2

Level 2
(x) Are / Been In Love
(x) Dumped someone
(x) Been Fired
() Been In A Fist Fight
SO FAR: 5

Level 3
(x) Had A Crush On An Older Person
(x) Skipped Class
( ) Slept With A Co-worker
(x) Seen Someone / Something Die
SO FAR: 8

Level 4
( ) Had / Have A Crush On One Of Your deviantART / sheezyart Friends
( ) Been To Paris
( ) Been To Spain
(x) Been On A Plane
( ) Thrown Up From Drinking
SO FAR: 9

Level 5
(x) Eaten Sushi
(x) Been Snowboarding
(x) Met Someone Through Internet
(x) Been in a Mosh Pit
SO FAR: 13

Level 6
(x) Been In An Abusive Relationship (verbal)
(x) Taken Pain Killers
(x) Liked/loved Someone Who You Cant Have (just got over that. thanks for bring it back up.

)
(x) Laid On Your Back And Watched Cloud Shapes Go By
(x) Made A Snow Angel
SO FAR: 18

Level 7
(x) Had A Tea Party
(x) Flown A Kite
(x) Built A Sand Castle
() Gone mudding
(x) Played Dress Up
SO FAR: 22

Level 8
(x) Jumped Into A Pile Of Leaves
(x) Gone Sleding
( ) Cheated While Playing A Game
(x) Been Lonely
(x) Fallen Asleep At Work / School
SO far: 26

Level 10
(x) Watched The Sun Set (i watched my first one the other day.)
( ) Felt An Earthquake
( ) Killed A Snake
SO FAR: 27

Level 11
(x) Been Tickled
( ) Been Robbed / Vandalized
() Been cheated on
(x) Been Misunderstood
SO FAR: 29

Level 12
(x) Won A Contest
( ) Been Suspended From School
( ) Had Detention
(x) Been In A Car / Motorcycle Accident (had my first one the other month. it was my fault. lol.)
SO FAR: 31

Level 13
(x) Had / Have Braces
(x) Eaten a whole pint of ice cream in one night
(x) Danced in the moonlight
SO FAR : 34

Level 14
(x) Hated The Way You Look
(x) Witnessed A Crime
( ) Pole Danced
(x) Questioned Your Heart
(x) Been obsessed with post-it-notes
SO FAR: 38

Level 15
(x) Squished Barefoot Through The Mud
(x) Been To The Opposite Side Of The World
(x) Swam In The Ocean
(x) Felt Like You Were Dying
SO FAR: 42

Level 16
(x) Cried Yourself To Sleep
(x) Played Cops And Robbers
(x) Recently Colored With Crayons / Colored Pencils / Markers
(x) Sang Karaoke
(x) Paid For A Meal With Only Coins (taco bell !)
SO FAR: 47

Level 17
(x) Done Something You Told Yourself You Wouldn't
(x) Made Prank Phone Calls
(x) Laughed Until Some Kind Of Beverage Came Out Of Your Nose
(x) Kissed In The Rain
SO FAR: 51

Level 18
(x) Written A Letter To Santa Claus
(x) Watched The Sun Set/ sun rise With Someone You Care/Cared About
(x) Blown Bubbles
(x) Made A Bonfire On The Beach Or Anywhere
SO FAR: 55

Level 19
( ) Crashed A Party
(x) Have Traveled More Than 5 Days With A Car Full Of People
(x) Had A Wish Come True
( ) Been Humped By A Monkey
SO FAR: 57

Level 20
(x) Worn Pearls
( ) Jumped Off A Bridge
(x) Screamed "Penis" or "Vagina"
( ) Swam With Dolphins
SO FAR: 59

Level 21
(x) Got Your Tongue Stuck To A Pole/Freezer/ice Cubes
(x) Kicked A Fish
(x) Worn The Opposite Sex's Clothes
(x) Sat On A Roof Top and watched the stars
SO FAR: 63

Level 22
(x) Screamed At The Top Of Your Lungs
() Done / Attempted A One-Handed Cartwheel
() Talked On The Phone For More Than 6 Hours
(x) Recently stayed up for a while talking to someone you care about
SO FAR: 65

Level 23
(x) Picked And Ate An Apple Right Off The Tree
(x) Climbed A Tree
(x) Had/Been In A Tree House
(x) Been scared To Watch Scary Movies Alone
SO FAR: 69 (bahahahahaha.)

Level 24
(x) Believed In Ghosts
(x) Have had More Then 30 Pairs Of Shoes
(x) Gone Streaking
(x) Visited Jail
SO FAR: 73

Level 25
( ) Played Chinese Chicken
(x) Been Pushed into a pool with all your clothes on
(x) Been Told You're Hot By A Complete Stranger
(x) Broken A Bone
(x) Been Easily Amused
SO FAR: 77

Level 26
(x) Caught A Fish Then Ate It Later
() Made A Porn Video/got asked to make one
() Caught A Butterfly
(x) Laughed So Hard You Cried
(x) Cried So Hard You Laughed
SO FAR: 80

Level 27
(x) Mooned/Flashed Someone
(x) Had Someone Moon/Flash You
... ]]> ~Muted-Mathmatics First Series. http://Muted-Mathmatics.deviantart.com/journal/19344690/ http://Muted-Mathmatics.deviantart.com/journal/19344690/ Fri, 11 Jul 2008 21:53:43 PDT
Today was quite the day of inspiration.
I shot the lovely Noelle [link]

The series is titled: AmericanApparel.Notasgothastheysayweare

Note that in each picture either AA.or NAGATSWA.
is bold refering to which picture goes with which title.

]]> ~Muted-Mathmatics remindersofthen. http://Muted-Mathmatics.deviantart.com/journal/19271665/ http://Muted-Mathmatics.deviantart.com/journal/19271665/ Tue, 08 Jul 2008 10:49:13 PDT When the sun came up,
We were sleeping in,
Sunk inside our blankets,
Sprawled across the bed,
And we were dreaming.

On the rare occasion,
i am not to thrilled on turning points in my life.
I afraid of alot of good things.
&& its starting to become dull and stale.

When can i just get up.
&& be content within myself.

Its not so much loving everything on the outside.
But i want to love everything on the inside too.

(:

]]> ~Muted-Mathmatics 1 a.m. http://Muted-Mathmatics.deviantart.com/journal/19156054/ http://Muted-Mathmatics.deviantart.com/journal/19156054/ Tue, 01 Jul 2008 22:29:19 PDT if i told you things i did before
told you how i used to be
would you go along with someone like me
if you knew my story word for word
had all of my history
would you go along with someone like me

i did before and had my share
it didn't lead nowhere
i would go along with someone like you
it doesn't matter what you did
who you were hanging with
we could stick around and see this night through

i'm free of pills.
i still live off coffee && occasional nicotine. but its ceasing.
the intake of caffine will never change. my 2 a.m is my time of day.
hour long phone conversations have found their way back into my life.
i think i look prettier.
but i've hit 100 lbs.
a promise i attempted to never break.
i've smiled to much && my skin radiates rather than reeks cancer.

i blame it all on Warren.

<3

]]> ~Muted-Mathmatics Morrisey. http://Muted-Mathmatics.deviantart.com/journal/18863084/ http://Muted-Mathmatics.deviantart.com/journal/18863084/ Sun, 15 Jun 2008 21:29:55 PDT my house is a hippie commune.

& i love it.

]]> ~Muted-Mathmatics Monroe. http://Muted-Mathmatics.deviantart.com/journal/18805785/ http://Muted-Mathmatics.deviantart.com/journal/18805785/ Thu, 12 Jun 2008 16:08:15 PDT summer.

i'm feeling better.
sunburnt, but better. (:

i miss evan.
more than i figured i would.
which i find bizzare.
unless i was telling myself not
to miss him.
if so, that needs to stop.
there is no harm in missing.
never has been.
never will be.

i am going to let him know
how much i missed him when he gets
home Saturday. *shy face*

i also have Metro Station's 'Shake It' stuck feveriously in my head.

damn, catchy music.

ps: i love noelle & ghost.

]]> ~Muted-Mathmatics Vince the Lovable Stoner. http://Muted-Mathmatics.deviantart.com/journal/18733581/ http://Muted-Mathmatics.deviantart.com/journal/18733581/ Sun, 08 Jun 2008 15:45:25 PDT Everything is just blah. I'm taking it easy.
I need to. for the better.

I figured out one of the reasons I am the way I am.

Well maybe more than one.

1. I have come to the conclusion that I am apparently having trouble getting over my last boyfriend. Its petty. I know.
And I need to. But its hard when in the back of your mind
he quickly got over you for a girl 5 years younger than he is.
Which atomatically can put him as a sex offender if he isn't careful.

2. I am having reactions to my Prozac. Which wasn't for depression, just random mood swings. Now, I am weening myself off of them. And like any dependent addict, its difficult.

But i have the best support system I can think of.

-Ward
-Noelle
-Jamie
-Evan
-Zack & his mother.
-Brody (Ghost)

I thank these people so much.
i love you all.

]]> ~Muted-Mathmatics Everybody Knows You Cried Last Night http://Muted-Mathmatics.deviantart.com/journal/18696589/ http://Muted-Mathmatics.deviantart.com/journal/18696589/ Fri, 06 Jun 2008 12:04:58 PDT Friday. The longest, most stagnant week of my life.
I'm hoping I can get out tonight. But i doubt that will happen.
:/

I'm stuck in this hot house.
Wearing the same black dress I've worn all week.
Wearing the same expression.
Piling up the laundry to be done,
& wondering if I should clean up the tissues beside
my bed.

I confess, I'm not so stable right now.
I had the worst breakdown in a while last night.
I also realized that my friend Ward cares about me
more than I though, for he left his house without
informing is parents & putting on shoes,
& literally sped over to my house
to make sure I was "okay"

(I am just using the word okay,
because all of you do not need to know my personal life.)

We layed in my bed, messed up white sheets covering my legs, & minimal light seeping into our eyes.
We talked about everything that needed to be talked about.
We were the way I've always wanted to be with Ward.
Support systems.

He is a good guy.
(:

I'm sorta dreading this up coming week.
No Evan. lol.
Who can I kiss, cuddle & lay in the middle of hay fields at 12:00 in the morning with?
He..makes me tingly.

Its a new feeling.

]]> ~Muted-Mathmatics Marc by Marc Jacobs. http://Muted-Mathmatics.deviantart.com/journal/18609962/ http://Muted-Mathmatics.deviantart.com/journal/18609962/ Sun, 01 Jun 2008 12:34:54 PDT
My mind.
My mood.
My body.

Everything. Out of place. Out of mind. Off balance.
I think I am experiencing side effects from my newer dosage in Prozac.

Its the oddest feeling.
Like i am watching myself from the otherside of the room.

Evan suggest I sleep.
I think I am going to do that.

Its all I can do in this hot and stuffy house.

]]> ~Muted-Mathmatics