http://search.deviantart.com/?q=by:NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH&section=today deviantART RSS for by:NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH en-us Copyright 2009, deviantART.com Sat, 19 Dec 2009 01:38:18 PST deviantART.com http://blogs.law.harvard.edu/tech/rss http://s.deviantart.com/minish/widgets/apple-touch-icon-precomposed.png http://NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH.deviantart.com/journal/28056072/ http://NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH.deviantart.com/journal/28056072/ Sat, 31 Oct 2009 00:04:15 PDT
hell i haven't been on here for a while.

but i had a realization tonight...
maybe not really dealing, handling this all horribly, IS my way of dealing.

looking back on the last break-up that really meant something to me (sorry nate, you just weren't around long enough ) i cried everyday for months, then went numb, and then got a point where i had this out-of-body experience that was me looking down at my lunch table one day, going, huh... i'm really laughing. i'm not faking it anymore. thats me actually laughing for the first time in months!

and ik that in my not dealing, i'm going to miss jonathan. every day. but thats not different. maybe, i'll learn to take strength from it or something.
i still want him back. with all i am.
but i'm smart enough to know when to give up on that.
even though ik myself well enough to know that i'll hold onto that last shred of hope till i can't any longer.

and who knows when THAT will be

but i'm in a healthier place than i was w/ the last break-up. ok not "last" but last bad break-up...
i'm eating, still losing weight, but idc. its not the stressed omg-what-have-i-done losing weight, so its not as big a deal.
i just... have to figure out how i can not move on and yet still move on? if that makes any sense.

i... backed out of seeing kyle on his birthday bc i would see jonathan too, and ik its been a month, but i can't. i'm not ready. at least not w/ that much pressure and in that setting. bc i don't think i could handle it.

i took off my claddagh ring to get rid of that reminder, but even the ring that i wore before, its a reminder that my claddagh ring isn't there.


i'm not done blaming myself.
i'm not done missing him every minute of every day
i'm not done wishing he was there every night as i fall asleep


but i am done with my shit writings that revolve around him (reason numero uno that i haven't posted anything in a while. i won't put ya'll through that pathetic mess)
i am done going crying to my friends (doesn't mean i'm done crying)



ik i'm going to still be miserable for a while and i've accepted that.
i'm just done pretending that it will all work out and we'll get back together

bc that...
is just too much of a wish and a fantasy and a miracle for it to actually happen






i love you guys.
you have no idea how much i've appreciated all the comments and favs and support from all ya'll


i'm sure i'll be back one day...
ik ya'll will be just fine w/o me

]]> ~NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH http://NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH.deviantart.com/journal/27638140/ http://NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH.deviantart.com/journal/27638140/ Wed, 07 Oct 2009 17:33:25 PDT

went to lauren's and it was kinda awkward? but... then we started talking about this group i heard about at the Barlow Girl/ Superchick concert called Mercy Ministries, which helps out young ppl who are dealing w/ anything from eating disorders, to cutting, to teen pregnancy, etc
and from there we went into talking about the recent drama about me and a guy friend are having and those complexities and ..... that upsets me bc i see how it turned out and i'm like that... isn't me. like i'm hearing you, and i understand why you hate my life, but thats not me!!!
......is it?

and from there we talked about me and jonathan and kyle just said something to me about helen, ik what your feeling and thinking, but where are you w/ God? and we talked about that..... and we cried...

this is the first time i've just let myself CRY over this whole mess...

and lauren said something that made me think

she said that i'm not the same girl i was when she first met me last year, and yeah she still loves me to death and all, but yeah.
and ik what she means.

i used to love myself. love who i was and what i was about.
and now... i don't.

and a lot of that had to do w/ jonathan.

just... even if jonathan won't take me back as his girlfriend, i hope he knows how thankful i am for him
he did so much good for me. he made me be the best version of me bc i wanted him to be proud of who i was...
and i'll always love him for that if nothing else.

it was a hard day today to see how much i've changed, how much i really hate who i am now.

but i needed it.

i finally CRIED

and i finally felt like i was WORTH it again

its what i needed.... and i didn't even know it

]]> ~NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH http://NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH.deviantart.com/journal/27401558/ http://NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH.deviantart.com/journal/27401558/ Thu, 24 Sep 2009 22:25:36 PDT crying. trying to not hyperventilate.

bc that what i do when i cry.

and i can't stop at the moment.


started writing. mainly bc i need an outlet, and heartbreak is app what i have to have to write anything good.
i'ma huge mess.
mainly bc i'm a fucking idiot


---

on a completely diff note, i have a really good friend who is really REALLY sick.
like makes me cry bc i'm so worried about her.

so any prayers or good will or anything you have that you can send her way, would be greatly appreciated

]]> ~NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH http://NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH.deviantart.com/journal/27284054/ http://NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH.deviantart.com/journal/27284054/ Fri, 18 Sep 2009 16:21:59 PDT bc there are lots of times in between these crazy journal entries that i am.
just wanted to put that out there...

DA needs a like fb status update thing where i can be like
NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH ______

and i can fill it in w/ "should really not be on her comp journaling right now." or some such shit.

wow i'm like hyper and upset. interesting combo.

pretty sure i just effed everything up.

yupp...


lots of new *pretty crappy i think* writings coming.
i was going to try to edit and help some of them, but i'm pretty much in a fuck it all mood, so yeah.
you'll get crap and all

sorry...

its not all bad.

i might even have a new fav.



yeahhh....

]]> ~NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH http://NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH.deviantart.com/journal/27268687/ http://NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH.deviantart.com/journal/27268687/ Thu, 17 Sep 2009 18:22:03 PDT
me and jonathan broke-up. it was kinda for the better, and we're working to still be friends which makes me happy, but its still hard and weird and i miss him, but i can't talk to him yet, and just yeah...

i'm back to being kinda sick/stressed out which is kinda a cycle. i get stressed and so i get sick, i'm sick so i get more stressed, etc, etc...
so not eating much, and down into my "danger zone" weight wise but the smell of food makes me nauseous so i've pretty much just been eating oranges and lettuce. yupp. of and chocolate milk and apple juice. so i'm like healthy? but not.

prolly moving out...
which will really cut down on the stress level
hopefully.



just had someone ask me out.
i said no.
not going to date for a while.

which is good bc i'm still in the mindset of being w/ jonathan. even though i'm not anymore...

but its just really hard.

i feel so numb.

and right now, i can't go hang out w/ anyone that would be helpful to me...
can't see jonathan or kyle obviously.
can't see evie
can't see nicole or my concordians.

and i just need to not be at home.

but i can't get away.


tried writing.
doesn't work.

tried excercising.
too week atm to actually do anything.


so kinda at a loss.....

slash feel like i'm losing everything

]]> ~NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH http://NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH.deviantart.com/journal/27062874/ http://NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH.deviantart.com/journal/27062874/ Sun, 06 Sep 2009 21:09:34 PDT
i'll go into detail soon

this site has been so neglected in my mind...
but hopefully that will be rectified soon

preparing for fallout :/

]]> ~NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH http://NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH.deviantart.com/journal/24813600/ http://NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH.deviantart.com/journal/24813600/ Sun, 17 May 2009 21:42:22 PDT last friday.

we went to see him wednesday bc she found out he had been on deathwatch since his kidneys almost failed, and once his kidneys started again, and they gave him medicine to keep them working, his heart was shutting down, so they had to balance between keeping his heart and kidneys working...

but he was doing better when we saw him.... still not great but better...

and then friday, i was driving my moma home and we were talking about the visit and how my bestest was doing, i got her texts, saying that he had died.





and jonathans in ireland, and i haven't heard his voice in 15 days......

]]> ~NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH http://NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH.deviantart.com/journal/24585787/ http://NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH.deviantart.com/journal/24585787/ Mon, 04 May 2009 14:57:09 PDT
well most recent to older....
i realized that my sisters have no idea who i am. at all. which really makes me sad? but also really pisses me off. you so don't even want to HEAR the story behind how i figured that out.
almost done w/ my sem at SWIC, and even though they made my life H E L L ,i'm coming out of it ok, and i'm kinda excited for summer and fall classes and just being DONE!!
um registered for cosmetology school. will be going to swic AND regency next fall. but its cool.
jonathan and me had our first like huge fight. suckkkked. but he came down a few days later and we're def good <3
said boyfriend is going to ireland. in 2 days. for 3 1/2 weeks. and i'm trying really hard to not freak out, but its really getting me down bc i won't be able to talk to him or anything and i'm totally jealous of him! but also really worried... idek how to really explain what or why i'm really feeling all the crazy things i am on THAT one, but its majorly depressed me.
went to cu a little while ago, and realized that the ppl i consider my bff's, don't think about me the same way, and so i had fun after i got over it, but yeah.
met jonathans dad. it was odd. felt kidna invisible? like he was more focused on his son then this girl his son has been dating for, um months, and i mean thats cool, and his mom does it too? but his mom is more inclusive about it, while his dad is not.
week before THAT, went to see jonathan before his last week of school, and to see him in Verdi's Requiem. which was frickin AWESOME!!!! omg... i had chills like pretty much through the whole thing. just i cannot rave about it enough!!! omg! lol
but his mom came down too, and she took us out to breakfast and we talked. like jonathan sat there and ate, and me and his mom just, TALKED! it was great. shes a really neat lady

ummm.... had several breakdowns, but also a few breakthroughs.
yupp... :S no worries i guess.

i prolly am not going to be journaling so much anymore.... found out more ppl than ik are reading this, and while i mean thats ok for the most part, i'ma just... back off a little and think about what that means.

i WILL however be spending more time getting back to everyone on their comments and deviations. soooo sorry, its taken me so long, but yeah.
i just didn't know what to say about anything, so i pretty much ignored the whole website :/

but now i'm back! ish. and yeah.
look forward to seeing what everyones been up too!!


hk

]]> ~NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH http://NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH.deviantart.com/journal/23840602/ http://NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH.deviantart.com/journal/23840602/ Sun, 22 Mar 2009 21:37:56 PDT


the end

]]> ~NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH http://NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH.deviantart.com/journal/23789206/ http://NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH.deviantart.com/journal/23789206/ Thu, 19 Mar 2009 22:40:49 PDT
i have nothing to say besides the subject

a million times over


and i'm listening to my "help" song and i just..... idkkk



nvmd

]]> ~NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH http://NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH.deviantart.com/journal/23650172/ http://NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH.deviantart.com/journal/23650172/ Wed, 11 Mar 2009 19:34:47 PDT
i found this poem on the pic of one of my friends and his gf, and i had to look it up and i found it and was able to ACTUALLY read it and just awwe!!!! ^^

so here,


YOU KISSED ME

Author: Josephine Slocum Hunt

You kissed me! My head drooped low on your breast
With a feeling of shelter and infinite rest,
While the holy emotions my tongue dared not speak,
Flashed up as in flame, from my heart to my cheek;
Your arms held me fast; oh! your arms were so bold --
Heart beat against heart in their passionate fold.
Your glances seemed drawing my soul through mine eyes,
As the sun draws the mist form the sea to the skies.
Your lips clung to mine till I prayed in my bliss
They might never unclasp from the rapturous kiss.

]]> ~NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH http://NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH.deviantart.com/journal/23612727/ http://NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH.deviantart.com/journal/23612727/ Mon, 09 Mar 2009 16:08:14 PDT Thinking of you by katy perry
Comparisons are easily done
Once you've had a taste of perfection
Like an apple hanging from a tree
I picked the ripest one
I still got the seed

You said move on
Where do I go
I guess second best
Is all I will know

Cause when I'm with him
I am thinking of you
Thinking of you
What you would do if
You were the one
Who was spending the night
Oh I wish that I
Was looking into your eyes

You're like an Indian summer
In the middle of winter
Like a hard candy
With a surprise center
How do I get better
Once I've had the best
You said there's
Tons of fish in the water
So the waters I will test

He kissed my lips
I taste your mouth
He pulled me in
I was disgusted with myself

Cause when I'm with him
I am thinking of you
Thinking of you
What you would do if
You were the one
Who was spending the night
Oh I wish that I
Was looking into...

You're the best
And yes I do regret
How I could let myself
Let you go
Now the lesson's learned
I touched it I was burned
Oh I think you should know

Cause when I'm with him
I am thinking of you
Thinking of you
What you would do if
You were the one
Who was spending the night
Oh I wish that I
Was looking into your eyes
Looking into your eyes
Looking into your eyes
Oh won't you walk through
And bust in the door
And take me away
Oh no more mistakes
Cause in your eyes I'd like to stay...
stay....

----

ok this song has been in my head for like the past week and it makes me sad.
makes me think of jonathan. not in a i miss him so i'm cheating way *although thats how one of my friends took it and hit me! hmph* but in a, everyone i talk to, i compare to him, way.
i miss him.
a lot.
distance sucks

]]> ~NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH http://NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH.deviantart.com/journal/23573582/ http://NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH.deviantart.com/journal/23573582/ Sat, 07 Mar 2009 11:46:02 PST
i don't know

anything app

she seriously knows me better than anyone.
hehe jonathan told me when he first met her, that we were a LOT a like. and we are.
which is why we get each other so well.
i love this chick

so when i get scared or feel insecure, i go to her, bc ik she can relate and knows what i'm thinking, what to do and can usually always make me feel better.

but td... its too big to really make me feel better??? it just confused the hell out of me. my head and my heart are already so confused, which is why i went to her in the FIRST place, and it helped, but also left me w/ more questions and uncertainty.

no me gusta


]]> ~NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH http://NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH.deviantart.com/journal/23531501/ http://NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH.deviantart.com/journal/23531501/ Wed, 04 Mar 2009 20:13:14 PST i'd just cry.
and then bawl.
and then hyperventilate.
and then start all over again.

thats my cycle.

soo as you can see, i started writing again.
guess its a helen is just so depressed-and-almost-unable-to-function-but-has-to-get-words-out kinda thing?
they both kinda suck but not as much as the other 3 i wrote.
and i felt like i had to post at least something, so there you go.
look, comment, offer CONSTRUCTIVE criticism.
i'm a captive audience.
hah literally
*rolls eyes*
i can take it.
and iKNOW they aren't that great.

i hope to have all faves thanked and deviations looked at by friday, already on my way!!! *looks determined*

*sigh*

i seriously hate my life





---
ok just a note on what i'm reading bc it didn't have enough space for me to elaborate? its kinda funny bc this book would've prolly helped me like 2 years ago, and now i'm reading it, going yeah thats ____ or omg lol that ____ and being uber thankful that its not my NOW bf jonathan. so its actually annoying reading almost? but kinda funny bc ik the guys they're talking about.
and i def recommend it for the single ladies, and taken ladies if you dated a lot of jerks and losers and have a sense of humor

]]> ~NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH http://NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH.deviantart.com/journal/23398057/ http://NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH.deviantart.com/journal/23398057/ Wed, 25 Feb 2009 12:25:01 PST i've been pretty much dead to the world
not so much by choice, but more bc of my 'rents.
i have never considered running away before in my life, and now, i've been making lists in my head of who i can run too, who would help me.

seriously.
its been bad, but never this bad and omg i have to get out of here!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

so basically everything boils down too.....


FUCK

MY

LIFE


i'll try to get online from school.... otherwise, i'll still prolly stay "dead to the world"

]]> ~NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH http://NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH.deviantart.com/journal/22894805/ http://NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH.deviantart.com/journal/22894805/ Thu, 29 Jan 2009 21:31:39 PST started school last week
i love it!!! and am also already starting to stress out. which is pretty much what killed school the last time i tried. which in turn stresses me out even MORE!!!!
jonathan and i are good, but not great recently which really freaks me out. ik we're not always going to be great, but hes just been so busy that i'm not getting any reassurance and i need it or i'm gonna freak MORE.
my sister and her fam have moved out and into their own place, which is nice bc i have a place that i can go not at home, and home is quieter, but now my parents are all over me bc theirs no one else there.
finally got approved for my driving permits which is nice, but still a huge pain. so i have a TEENSY bit of freedom again, but still feel pretty caged.
evie (my bestest) is like UBER sick and i'm worried for her. no less bc shes far away :/
i've gotten closer to a friend of a friend who i've always gotten along w/ but whos now becoming a really good friend but its just one more person i care for whos not close by.

and to top off my horrile train of events. i'm stressed.
which means my body gets ignored.
which means i don't eat so much.
which really actually means, i don't eat.

so on top of EVERYTHING i'm stressed about THAT which is like a never ending cycle.

have more free time so i'm writing but it sucks. i have too much on my mind for it to be conherent, which in turn frustrates me which in turns sets off any of the list above

]]> ~NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH http://NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH.deviantart.com/journal/22564920/ http://NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH.deviantart.com/journal/22564920/ Tue, 13 Jan 2009 17:19:24 PST
i can ignore being hungry for a whole day

but i can't stop two seconds to think through my whole rant thats so SUPERFICIAL and not even what i was upset about. not even close....
you were just the one closest to me....

it pisses me off.

only at myself.



only at myself

]]> ~NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH http://NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH.deviantart.com/journal/22423405/ http://NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH.deviantart.com/journal/22423405/ Mon, 05 Jan 2009 20:23:45 PST
end of story.....






sooo mad at myself right now

]]> ~NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH http://NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH.deviantart.com/journal/22374476/ http://NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH.deviantart.com/journal/22374476/ Sat, 03 Jan 2009 13:19:18 PST
went out w/ my a bunch of fam yesterday....
ended w/ just me and natandjake, and andrew hanging out w/ n&j's friends ryan and rhonda. cool people ^^

and that was totally fine.
the ride home was what killed it.

we started talking about friends. and after leaving home to go to school 5ish hours away and then leaving school to come back home, i have like very few friends left.
my hs friends, are ehh for the most part. i'm mk that we don't really talk.
i miss a lot of my college friends, but i still talk to the ones that were my bestest up there....
and i have evie and jonathan who are like the best and my bestest and i talk to all. the. time. lol

but then my sister asked about rebekah. "my beks"
hell for a while me and her were tighter than me and evie!!!
not anymore.

we had a HUGE falling out last year over dating....
after me and nate broke up she felt that she should be like i-told-you-so and bash him and most of the other guys i had dated and then proceed to tell me that she didn't think i shouldn't date etc.... and i was just SHOCKED SPEECHLESS!!!!!! this was my best friend being completely judgmental!!! and so i figured since she was finally being "honest" w/ me, i could too. so i told her that ryans a hick and beneath her and that everyone knows it so why can't she see it??? her parents don't like it, i don't like it, and its totally changing her!!!
well of course she liked that about as much as i liked what she had to say and since we were on our way to go shopping, the whole rest of the day was awkward and that trip ended pretty fast.

we talked once or twice since then, once for me to apologize bc *this isn't what i said* but its her life. and though .: I :. can see what a huge mistake shes making, i can't make that choice for her. and i love her, and i'll be there whatever happens. idk... i just couldn't throw our whole friendship away after all we'd been through
and then i left it
i msg her every so often and she sometimes replies, but i might as well have saved my breath.
she still doesn't get how she hurt me, AND (this really bothers me, maybe most of all??)
she couldn't give a DAMN about jonathan. if she would take 3 minutes she would see hes different and that I'M different, and that hes not just "another guy"
hah i mellowed and now SHES the one whos all high-strung.

and THIS is the girl who actually lives CLOSEST to me.... i could actually hang out w/ someone who CAN be lots of fun, but nope.
*rolls eyes*
oh well right?

*rant over*
but yeah and so that just really upset me. and set my mood in motion so when i couldn't reach jonathan or anyone else to talk too, i was just really frustrated and then something soo STUPID replayed in my head and just started the tears and THATS how i fell asleep last night.

i don't want it too be, and i hope i can do something ANYTHING to keep this from coming true,
but it looks like this year is setting itself up to be just the same as any other............

]]> ~NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH http://NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH.deviantart.com/journal/22338121/ http://NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH.deviantart.com/journal/22338121/ Thu, 01 Jan 2009 17:19:29 PST had all my sibs and their spouses and my one niece there plus my parents of course and my aunt who comes every Christmas....
so besides my aunt, i think my fams pretty awesome, and actually this is the first year that she wasn't totally on my ass, so we actually got along!!! wonder of wonders....
idk what to really say....

got fun stuff some i was expecting, some i wasn't, which is how these things normally go anyway lol....
oh and then i got sickkk...
like throwing up, sleeping all day, not going out w/ my fam sick.
it sucked....
although it meant at one point, i got to talk to jonathan for like an hour, albeit rather sleepily, which was really nice
ummm
yeah

and now everyones gone, with the exception of my sister and her fam who are living w/ us, which means that its not as depressing as if EVERYONE had left, but still pretty depressing :/

plus new years was fun, but i didn't get to spend it w/ jonathan OR evie, and it just wasn't what i wanted.... it was better than i thought, but thats not saying much

i just really miss jonathan.....

---------

anywayyy

well this past year, i've been through a lot... and i think most of my journals show it, so i don't think i really want to recap.
it wasn't all bad.... i did get closer to my bestest and find an amazing guy ^^
it was a hard year, but we aren't given more than we can bear, and i think all in all i came through pretty well!

cheers for the coming year and hopefully less heartbreak and more good memories ^^

yup.

]]> ~NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH http://NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH.deviantart.com/journal/22197457/ http://NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH.deviantart.com/journal/22197457/ Thu, 25 Dec 2008 18:46:18 PST

depite the "holiday" my day was seriously like any other.
lame
and depressing.

i miss jonathan and evie

]]> ~NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH http://NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH.deviantart.com/journal/22014344/ http://NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH.deviantart.com/journal/22014344/ Tue, 16 Dec 2008 11:56:00 PST i mean i have a lot weighing on my mind, but i just don't know how to get it all out and done w/....

my one final is done. yay.
basketball has taken over my life, and while i LOVE it, i'm just worried about next semester when i have four classes AND still have to be at practices and games and how that will all work out scheduling wise.

i miss basketball more than i care to think about.
it was what mainly kept me sane and upbeat in hs. it was a sort of family for me then and it still is, but its changed. and while i love still being involved, it also breaks my heart when ppl are like you look young enough, why don't we dress you out to help 'em out? bc i wish soo much that i really could.

i've been randomly crying. like now! lol.... and like thats not so out of the blue, but i just wish that when i DO that i could have SOMEONE to just hold me and tell me it'll be alright.
ik it will, but its the difference between holding onto that hope, and being reassured that its not just some blind prayer.

i'm scared. of so many things..... and over Christmas break i'll prolly let go of some of that bc my friends will be home and close by, but then they'll go back again and i'll be right back here.

can't wait.

]]> ~NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH http://NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH.deviantart.com/journal/21863216/ http://NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH.deviantart.com/journal/21863216/ Sun, 07 Dec 2008 10:55:23 PST
and no, i am NOT being unreasonable, and if you stopped for THREE seconds to hear yourself, you'd realize just how much of an ASS your being for even thinking that it wouldn't upset me.

thanks for that.


i was in a totally AWESOME mood bc i get to see evie and jonathan this week, and i just found out Mi Rae is coming back to visit, but of COURSE you just had to dump that on me.

and its supposed to be magically fine???

omg

your pathetic

]]> ~NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH http://NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH.deviantart.com/journal/21845133/ http://NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH.deviantart.com/journal/21845133/ Sat, 06 Dec 2008 09:34:29 PST
not really sure how that happened but yeah....

*sigh*

]]> ~NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH http://NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH.deviantart.com/journal/21755456/ http://NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH.deviantart.com/journal/21755456/ Sun, 30 Nov 2008 19:18:45 PST
i can feel myself starting to get depressed again, and idk what to really do about it.




thats it.
<3
goodbye happy thanksgiving thoughts.....

]]> ~NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH http://NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH.deviantart.com/journal/21700420/ http://NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH.deviantart.com/journal/21700420/ Thu, 27 Nov 2008 13:47:59 PST
most of my family is here for the holiday.
one of my sisters and her husband and daughter.
my brother and his wife.
my 'rents.

only my eldest sister and her husband were not able to come.

but i figured it would be good for me to think out loud and onto paper.... erm... a blog entry.... about everything that i have to be thankful for. yup.

1 thankful that i am interested again in school
2 thankful that my family is amazing and supports me and my crazy decisions.
3 thankful i have a family
4 thankful for my boyfriend, who is one of the best things that has happened to me in a while <3
5 thankful for my friends, who stand by me and help me through thick and thin
6 thankful for basketball and coaching
7 thankful for Coach Carroll and Coach Jill and all of our wonderful girls
8 thankful for my niece who has helped w/o knowing it <3
9 thankful that i have a home
10 thankful that i have someone to spend my holiday w/ and that we can have an amazing meal
11 thankful for thanksgiving football games
12 thankful for books and amazing authors who capture my imagination and sometimes squeeze my heart
13 thankful for music bc its the greatest way to express your soul
14 thankful for wonderful memories
15 thankful for my church family
16 thankful for my college family who i miss like CRAZY!!!
17 thankful to my -exes who put me through hell, but made me who i am
18 thankful for my hs which was insane!! *literally* but shaped my personality and thinking...
19 thankful for Ginger who helped me through the hardest most difficult time of my life....
20 thankful for the friends i no longer talk to, and some who i really don't like anymore!, who each touched my life in their own way
21 thankful for my mother who can be ridiculous, but has always but the best construction on things, seen the best in her children, and fought for us whether we were in the right or not
22 thankful for my dad who in his quiet way loved us and helped us in school and in sports and at an early age instilled a love of Redskin football into us
23 thankful for my eldest sister N who takes on a role as a mother bc shes closer in age and so worries about stuff that can/could really effect me and who pushes me to talk about things when i don't want too and takes the time to listen
24 thankful for my brother-in-law J who loves my family in his quiet way and who plays videogames w/ me and finds crazy music to pass on haha
25 thankful for my sister R who is crazy and fun and has changed so much in motherhood that you can't help but respect her
26 thankful for my brother-in-law A who is obnoxious and whos totally different from me and we clash, but we can still make fun of each other and ik he loves me
27 thankful for my brother L who has had the most influence on my life and my interests and who i've looked up too *literally and firuratively* since i started walking.... whos gotten in and out of trouble w/ me and been pretty much the best brother.
28 thankful for my sister-in-law K who is too much like me for us to be good friends, but whos really cool and an interesting person to talk too
29 thankful that my parents pushed me to be in sports and that i learned to love the GAME not the competition.
30 thankful for jonathan who makes me be the best helen i can be. its kinda ridiculous <3
31 thankful for evie whos been my bitch since i was 5 and is still around though we've had our fights and fall outs :/
32 thankful for chrissy who can always make me laugh hysterically XD
33 thankful for beks who is the most down to earth girl ik and who makes me think through things.... bc i never do haha
34 thankful for my lsm fam- ESP my boy reeses and my babes nikki and chris
35 thankful for my guate trip and for Karloz who opened my eyes and helped me let go and forget.....
36 thankful, most of all that i have a gracious God who loves me and would send his Son to die so that i could live.

there is no greater love than that and nothing that trumps that.


<3 Happy Thanksgiving!!

----
i also want to point out that i c... ]]> ~NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH http://NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH.deviantart.com/journal/21660539/ http://NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH.deviantart.com/journal/21660539/ Tue, 25 Nov 2008 08:50:24 PST
----

i had a good weekend

saw chrissy and nicole and i love those girls
we went and saw twilight (which was not that good) and we just hung out and it was GREAT FUN!!!! XD

saw jonathan and that was fun
went to his madrigal and got dragged around.... haha no it was fine
but... then when i left, idk... i just felt really insecure about us. and that kinda really depresses me. :/ yo no sé....

i didn't get to see natalie and jake which was sadness. idk what happened, but yeah....

basketball got canceled last night


idk... i had a really good weekend!!!
just coming back from it has left me all depressing

]]> ~NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH http://NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH.deviantart.com/journal/21444712/ http://NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH.deviantart.com/journal/21444712/ Tue, 11 Nov 2008 19:08:20 PST
i'mma start putting some of my jonathan inspired writings up. don't worry, not as cheesy or lame as they could be
i actually have been writing a lot, just bc i've been really stressed out and have too many thoughts running around in my head....
i just don't know how much i really feel comfortable putting up. some of its.... really.... down to the heart of me.... so yeahh...

basketball is a lot of fun and a lot of work.
but it also really frustrates me, bc theres such a lack of commitment in these girls that ik no one on the team when i was on it would've been tolerated!!!!
and we're at the point where we have to deal w/ it bc we need the numbers or we won't be able to play.
which is really depressing.
and just frustrates me THAT much more :/

i'm just soo.... idk. i'm stressing out about EVERYTHING and nothing at the same time and its not good. i need to be able to get away and relax, but if i go to cape, i have to be back the next day. and if i go to chicago, it always ends up not being that relaxing... its great to see everyone, but really stressful to work around schedules and get to see everyone w/o leaving ppl out or whatnot...

idk.... i just need to get away.

but ik its not going to even happen. *sigh*

]]> ~NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH http://NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH.deviantart.com/journal/21411414/ http://NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH.deviantart.com/journal/21411414/ Sun, 09 Nov 2008 19:39:01 PST
second, rachel, andrew and baby moriah are now living in my house. which is cool except for this like obnoxious unwritten rule that my sisters have.
whenever either natalie or rachel come home, they just assume the role of bossing me around like mom does.
which doesn't usually lead to well-wishing from either side.
like my sisters are both pretty awesome. but when either or both of them are home, i just want them to shut up.
but moriah is a trip. and i guess i should stop calling her a baby, bc shes two, but still....
i love that shes here.... SOO MUCH FUN!!!
yep. helen will def be the cool aunt

third... basketball is awesome. i love it. its gonna be a bit of a huge responsibility on me, but i love that coach is trusting me, and it'll be good for him to have one less thing to worry about. or actually like 3 less things. none of the girls seem to harbour the hatred that one of the girls who they go to school w/ does, so yayay! and one of the girls i thought might cause me headaches, is totally awesome.
and i just love it.
makes me sad i can't actually play....
i miss it....

fourth.... i want to dye my hair.
ok thats random, but i needed a fourth bc it needed to be even and i hate putting just a fourth number w/o any actual thought. i'm not sure if i actually will? but i've been thinking about it....

LOVE AND KISSES! haha
hk

]]> ~NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH http://NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH.deviantart.com/journal/21290821/ http://NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH.deviantart.com/journal/21290821/ Sun, 02 Nov 2008 20:09:45 PST
i'm bored, i'm talking to my love, talking to one of my bestest, and i have my bunny wabbit on my lap being peaceful and happy

first off... random flooding of pet pics coming to you soon.
talking about my poochas really got to me td.
we don't have a dog at home anymore, and i hate it. and randomly when i talk about it, it really depresses me to the point of tears.
like td. :'(
i love my bun, clover, but its not the same....

second, i forget myself sometimes when i'm journaling..... like the fact that jonathan has my da? which is dumb, bc i'm the whole reason he even has a da, but yeah.... idk

third, tomorrow start basketball.
i'm an assistant coach at my old hs, and more than just a little apprehensive about it.... :/
idk.... i don't have to be their best friend *and i think this is repetitive from a diff journal?? maybe...* but i do want them to like me. and ik that last year kinda trashed me to most ppl from my hs.
so this'll be interesting :/

fourth, i leave wednesday for ct to help my sister and her fam move out here. i'm stoked, but at the same time, idk... kinda stressed about it.

*sigh*

]]> ~NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH http://NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH.deviantart.com/journal/21284249/ http://NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH.deviantart.com/journal/21284249/ Sun, 02 Nov 2008 13:29:00 PST

the end.

]]> ~NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH http://NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH.deviantart.com/journal/21269068/ http://NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH.deviantart.com/journal/21269068/ Sat, 01 Nov 2008 16:53:21 PDT

hes in san diego for his gpa funeral and i can't get a hold of him to save my life...

just.... really depresses me :/



me and evie had tame fun last night for halloween though so yay.

]]> ~NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH http://NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH.deviantart.com/journal/21250224/ http://NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH.deviantart.com/journal/21250224/ Fri, 31 Oct 2008 14:07:54 PDT
however!!

i just found something out about an ex, that made my day.

karma is a BITCH

sorry love, guess they just had to show you what you did to me.

XD

its kinda sad that this makes me so happy, but at the same time? i couldn't care less.

i found a guy who won't play me like he did


karma

is a bigger bitch that i could've been.

]]> ~NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH http://NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH.deviantart.com/journal/21248884/ http://NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH.deviantart.com/journal/21248884/ Fri, 31 Oct 2008 12:54:40 PDT

partially bc i need the outlet, and partially bc in cleaning out my old room to prepare it for my niece, my old ntbk was discovered.

lots of old writings from my hs days....

lots of it pretty good, or good, but needs lots of work.... so i'm working on that lol and it'll be up soon, but bear with me.
its really hard to go through it all.... i was NOT in a happy place when i was writing and looking over it has made me cry. a lot.

i'm going to put up a poem i wrote for my grandpa on the one year anniversary of his death.
it prolly means the most to me of any of my writings and idk.... maybe jonathan will get something out of it too....

-------

ok random add on....

i just need you to know that i'm not as strong as i seem. i'm still pretty fragile, so be gentle w/ me. it'll mean the world to me.
kinda like you do....
MUAH!!

]]> ~NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH http://NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH.deviantart.com/journal/21237609/ http://NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH.deviantart.com/journal/21237609/ Thu, 30 Oct 2008 18:38:32 PDT
"this boy means more to me than orry"

ok... so flashback.... orry took my heart, broke it, and then jumped on it so it kinda shattered.
i was a MESS.
major depression, led to an eating disorder and yeah.
lost about 30 lbs in less than month and was scary skinny...
and orry is a manipulative ass. who was also my best friend up to the break-up :/

jonathan.... is kinda similar to orry? but has a LOT of differences that are key. like he trusts me and he respects me and my decisions. and actually LISTENS to my opinion.
and he kinda swept me off my feet from our first talk.
its kinda ridiculous, but its been about 2 1/2 months since we met, 2 months that we've been dating, and this boy already has my heart.

and orry hurt me.... BAD

jonathan could break me......

how did this happen? i was sooo freaked out after nate that i was supposed to be being CAREFUL and CLOSED and this GUY waltzes in an has me so totally after not even 3 months? what the hell is wrong w/ me!!!
i have so much invested in this relationship that if anything happens, omg my friends will have a hell of a job trying to keep me healthy....

and it scares me.

i trust him soo much, and ik that he loves me back, but what if something out of our control happens??? i'd be devastated.

soo heres hoping for the best, i guess

]]> ~NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH http://NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH.deviantart.com/journal/21215643/ http://NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH.deviantart.com/journal/21215643/ Wed, 29 Oct 2008 11:25:11 PDT
fuck my life.

hanging out w/ evie this weekend.

barely talking to jonathan at the moment and it breaks my heart.... :/


still kinda sick, but hey, whats new?

]]> ~NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH http://NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH.deviantart.com/journal/21185761/ http://NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH.deviantart.com/journal/21185761/ Mon, 27 Oct 2008 12:12:36 PDT
so i guess its a good thing i'm sickkk

i hate my stomach problems. i'm totally fine and then BAM!! i'm wiped out.
trying to eat, not all that successfully and its sad

saw jonathan this past weekend and that was pretty great i love that boy

fought more w/ evie. it was great.
jk. it sucked. i hate it, but ehh, idk what i can really do about it, so there it is.

my parents were actually really cool about this weekend though. w/ the whole jonathan thing. i was kinda surprised? but yay
and as long as i get better, this weekend will be pretty cool

who knows though. sometimes i'll only feel like shit for a couple of days, sometimes its for too much longer than that

fuck my life

]]> ~NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH http://NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH.deviantart.com/journal/20707337/ http://NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH.deviantart.com/journal/20707337/ Sat, 27 Sep 2008 14:52:43 PDT
all of which bad.

i hate living at home
i hate being far away from anyone who means something to me and who actually gives a damn about me
i hate being bored out of mind bc theres like NOTHING TO DO
i hate how depressing i am
i hate how stressed out i am
i hate that i'm losing weigh BC i'm stressed

just.... i can't repeat that year.
idk if i have it in me to do that...... and its starting to be scary similar.


AND i'm on a metal kick again. and thats never good........

]]> ~NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH http://NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH.deviantart.com/journal/20695903/ http://NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH.deviantart.com/journal/20695903/ Fri, 26 Sep 2008 22:04:23 PDT just found this and it made me feel a little bit better, so why not pass it on?

-------

Think about them one at a time BEFORE going on to the next one...
IT REALLY DOES MAKE YOU FEEL GOOD, especially the thought at the end.


1. Falling in love.

2. Laughing so hard your face hurts.

3. A hot shower.

4. No lines at the supermarket .

5. A special glance.

6. Getting mail .

7. Taking a drive on a pretty road.

8. Hearing your favorite song on the radio.

9. Lying in bed listening to the rain outside.

10. Hot towels fresh out of the dryer.

11. Chocolate milkshake. (or vanilla or strawberry!)

12. A bubble bath.

13. Giggling.

14. A good conversation.

15. The beach .

16. Finding a 20 dollar bill in your coat from last winter.

17. Laughing at yourself.

19. Midnight phone calls that last for hours.

20. Running through sprinklers.

21. Laughing for absolutely no reason at all.

22. Having someone tell you that you're beautiful.

23. Laughing at an inside joke.

24. Friends.

25. Accidentally overhearing someone say something nice about you.

26. Waking up and realizing you still have a few hours left to sleep.

27. Your first kiss (either the very first or with a new partner).

28. Making new friends or spending time with old ones.

29. Playing with a new puppy.

30. Having someone play with your hair.

31. Sweet dreams.

32. Hot chocolate.

33. Road trips with friends.

34. Swinging on swings.

35. Making eye contact with a cute stranger.

36. Making chocolate chip cookies.

37. Having your friends send you homemade cookies.

38. Holding hands with someone you care about.

39. Running into an old friend and realizing
that some things (good or bad) never change.

40. Watching the _expression on someone's face
as they open a much desired present from you.

41. Watching the sunrise.

42. Getting out of bed every morning and
being grateful for another beautiful day.

43. Knowing that somebody misses you.

44. Getting a hug from someone you care about deeply.

45. Knowing you've done the right thing,
no matter what other people think.


Friends are angels who lift us to our feet when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly

]]> ~NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH http://NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH.deviantart.com/journal/20635654/ http://NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH.deviantart.com/journal/20635654/ Tue, 23 Sep 2008 13:16:18 PDT which of course is not true. i have a lot on my mind, a lot i should say, but idk how.
well and thats kinda untrue too... i COULD say it, but i would hurt a few ppl. ppl that i love.

so i'm not.

just sitting here. stressing out. pretty much unsure about EVERYTHING. and alone.

hah thats kinda a common theme for me recently.
ik i'm loved and i wouldn't trade my friends or family or boyfriend, just so i would have someone closer. but it does really suck at times like this to not have anyone that i can hold onto to cry......

and ppl keep telling me i'm so strong, and i am! HAH i kinda have to be...

but that doesn't mean its ok....

]]> ~NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH http://NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH.deviantart.com/journal/20570954/ http://NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH.deviantart.com/journal/20570954/ Fri, 19 Sep 2008 15:47:06 PDT
I HAVEN'T SEEN MY BOY IN LIKE TWO WEEKS!!!



I CANNOT wait TO SEE HIM!!! OMG!!! XD

imissyhim SOOO MUCH!!!

EEE lol i keep trying to think of things to do bc i have like 45 minutes before i leave to meet him and i have like NOTHING so i'm like running around the house freaking out!! lol... yeahhh...

ok spasing kinda done....




and ok seriously, who doesn't like that excited emoticon??? its the cutest thing and it makes me laugh



andddd it totally fits my mood right now

]]> ~NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH http://NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH.deviantart.com/journal/20521942/ http://NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH.deviantart.com/journal/20521942/ Tue, 16 Sep 2008 13:35:10 PDT iwannaburnstuff's journal, and I thought it was worth stealing and then reposting lol


♥To every guy that said, "Sex can wait"

♥To every guy that said, "You're beautiful"

♥To every guy that was never too busy to drive across town to see her

♥To every guy that gives her flowers and a card when she is sick or down.

♥To every guy who has given her flowers just because thats how he rolls

♥To every guy that said he would die for her.

♥To every guy that really would.

♥To every guy that did what she wanted to die for

♥To every guy that cried in front of her...

♥To every guy that she cried in front of...

♥To every guy that holds hands with her.

♥To every guy that kisses her with meaning..

♥To every guy that hugs her when she's sad.

♥To every guy that hugs her for no reason at all.

♥To every guy who would give their jacket up for her.

♥To every guy that calls to make sure she got home safe.

♥To every guy that would sit and wait for her for hours just to
see her for ten minutes

♥To every guy that would give his seat up...

♥To every guy that just wants to cuddle.

♥To every guy that reassured her that she was beautiful no matter what.

♥To every guy who told his secrets to her.

♥To every guy that showed how much he cared through every word and every breath.

♥To every guy that thought maybe this could be the one.

♥To every guy that believed in her dreams.

♥To every guy that would have done anything so she could achieve them

♥To every guy that never laughed at her when she told him her dreams.

♥To every guy that walked her to her car and opened the door

♥To every guy that gave his heart.

♥To every guy who prays that she is happy even if you are not with her.


Not many girls appreciate nice guys anymore...
And because of this, there are not many left out there...

I guarantee 90% of the men on your page will not repost this cuz they care more about their image

If you are a nice guy repost this with: "Nice guys STILL finish last "

If you are a girl that thinks every guy should treat a girl this way
repost this with the title: "To Every Guy"

---

ok i think that little last part is kinda unnecessary, but i think its a great post. not just for guys to realize that girls STILL love all that, but also for the girls who have been lowering their standards just to get any guy. they're still out there!!
i can attest to that....

]]> ~NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH http://NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH.deviantart.com/journal/20473433/ http://NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH.deviantart.com/journal/20473433/ Sat, 13 Sep 2008 14:18:06 PDT at all.

like my closest friend is 30 minutes away on the off chance i actually manage to catch her there.

everyone else i care about is an hour and a half or more away.


and idk why that suddenly hit me, but it did. hard.

i feel trapped at home, and theres almost nothing i can do about it.

i'm NOT like this!!! and idk what brought this on, but i ... i just feel really alone...

:'(

]]> ~NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH http://NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH.deviantart.com/journal/20406132/ http://NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH.deviantart.com/journal/20406132/ Tue, 09 Sep 2008 12:31:09 PDT
got to see my sister and brother-in-law,
my like best college friends,
and my bf

and i came home just to miss them even more than i already did...

its like everythings great? but at the same time, its all just really hard....

]]> ~NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH http://NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH.deviantart.com/journal/20288517/ http://NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH.deviantart.com/journal/20288517/ Tue, 02 Sep 2008 11:37:32 PDT
ALL BETTER!!! XD

which is actually really ridiculous, bc like 2 days ago i was like UBER sick, and couldn't swallow anything besides liquids and couldn't lift like ANYTHING and now... sall good

not that i'm complaining

now i get to go to chicago and see all my college ppl AND my boy

i'm STOKED!!!!

]]> ~NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH http://NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH.deviantart.com/journal/20234030/ http://NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH.deviantart.com/journal/20234030/ Sat, 30 Aug 2008 10:34:24 PDT i'm lame

sick and bored and pretty damn pathetic right now.
its obnoxious.

first off, i'm stubborn as can be! soo the whole can-barely-lift-the-applesauce-jar-up? emm... yeahhh... pisses me off.

and i'm just really frustrated with myself!!!
i can't do A N Y T H I N G !!!!

and my sister and her husband and 2 of our friends are down for labor day weekend and i can't hug them bc i'm contagious and i can't go out w/ them bc i'm too weak and i can't go see evie bc of the aforementioned issues. and it SUCKS. LIKE A. BITCH!!!!

grumble grumble grumble...

i hate feeling helpless. i HATE it!!!!

]]> ~NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH http://NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH.deviantart.com/journal/20189638/ http://NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH.deviantart.com/journal/20189638/ Wed, 27 Aug 2008 18:06:12 PDT



i got nothing else right now but that





]]> ~NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH http://NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH.deviantart.com/journal/20183469/ http://NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH.deviantart.com/journal/20183469/ Wed, 27 Aug 2008 12:04:29 PDT so jonathan just went to class, evie's busy and i'm talking to my "lil sister"

none of whom are that close by.

and like me and nikki are talking about this...
it seems like, everyone i get close too, whether is my guate family, my lsm-ers, my college friends, or friends back home. whether its my boyfriend, or siblings, or my niece! NONE of them are like right here.

and mk, that doesn't mean i love them any less, or anything, it just means imissthem soo much it hurts!!!!
esp this past week... evie left for college, beks is back in school, and uber busy, jonathan came down, but had to get back... its like as soon as i get to where i wanna be, i have to say goodbye.

and mk, its not that bad, bc the "good-bye" is temporary, but it still sucks!!!!

esp since i haven't seen my "lil brother and sister" *nikki and reeses* in over a year....

esp since the next time i see my niece, she'll be talking in sentences and have grown even more and might not remember "ahln" *yeahhh... thats aunt helen in moriah lol*

esp since i want to be able to go to my chicas without having to make a day of it....

esp since i want to be able to SEE my boy... be held by him...

*sigh*

honestly, right now, i really do like where i'm at in life whatever, but distance is the one thing i would DEFINITELY change!!!!
i need to stop complaining lol


]]> ~NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH http://NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH.deviantart.com/journal/20164263/ http://NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH.deviantart.com/journal/20164263/ Tue, 26 Aug 2008 09:55:38 PDT
soo, i just read all my old writing and just DAMN!! ...idk what else to even say!!!!!
and it still hurts... the poem to my opa... made me cry.
i'll post it soon... it'll be 3 years soon....

its incredible all the shit i've been through... and even more so that i can even open up to a guy so soon... idk....

on the one hand, i'm really sure about jonathan... but on the other, .... like when we were just talking i was already starting to fall, and now that we're together or whatever, its harder that hes not close by.... imisshim.
and while iKNOW hes worth it, and he says i am... idk... *still kinda insecure*

ugh... i'm so HAPPY!!!! but at the same time... i'm scared that being happy will destroy me.

boy, imissyou


]]> ~NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH http://NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH.deviantart.com/journal/20163581/ http://NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH.deviantart.com/journal/20163581/ Tue, 26 Aug 2008 09:05:29 PDT
i guess i'm all ready for it... got books and school stuff.... lame...

idk.... like i'm both dreading it? but also looking forward to it.... :/ ehhh

but yeah...

so this boy... jonathan... has a da
haha i gave him mine? and he thought that its cool, so he got one! and so far, nothing is up *ahem... hint hint* but i have read one of his short stories and its really good!

so just give him support and welcome him here, if you would.

his da is Voice-of-Swords and heres a link... [link]

thanks a ton



]]> ~NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH http://NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH.deviantart.com/journal/20135279/ http://NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH.deviantart.com/journal/20135279/ Sun, 24 Aug 2008 17:41:00 PDT
surprisingly as that is, i actually managed to find a wonderful amazing guy!!!

Jonathan came down to see me this past weekend... and just... i didn't want him to leave

we kept talking about haha anything! and like i want to show him everything!!! theres the zoo and the gardens *we saw coi* and just so much of the SIL/STL area that i want to share... want someone to appreciate it w/ me... like ik he will...

but i guess the main thing that happened this weekend is that... well... i have a boyfriend!

which not gonna lie, still shocks me a bit after seeing me... not at my best... and just dealing w/ my rents and all this on the first time we meet!!!!!

...and like we talked and its going kinda fast, but at the same time, i couldn't want anything more! and depressing thought but the distance will slow us down....

he left about an hour ago, and i already miss having him close...
haha thats both incREDIBLY cheesy and sweet, AND slightly pathetic...

BUT... i'm sticking with the first one

]]> ~NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH http://NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH.deviantart.com/journal/20104535/ http://NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH.deviantart.com/journal/20104535/ Fri, 22 Aug 2008 22:04:58 PDT
tomorrow = my favorite word


bc tomorrow jonathan is coming down to see me.
and its kinda sudden? but i don't think i could care less???

i'm just... speechless...!!!

and thrilled!!!!

EEEEEE!!!!!

XD



...and btw, i seriously LOVE the little excited emoticon guy!!! TOO CUTEEE!!!!!!

]]> ~NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH http://NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH.deviantart.com/journal/20097367/ http://NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH.deviantart.com/journal/20097367/ Fri, 22 Aug 2008 14:21:17 PDT
i just went through my journals and cleaned up and deleted a bunch before i gave this boy my da...

and that made me wonder...
what am i afraid of???

like ok thats lame, bc i KNOW what i'm afraid of from him, but seriously.
my journals say everything that i can't say outloud... and is that such a bad thing?

idkkk...

]]> ~NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH http://NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH.deviantart.com/journal/20015202/ http://NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH.deviantart.com/journal/20015202/ Mon, 18 Aug 2008 02:15:43 PDT
not just ANY guy, but i guy i can just TALK too and who makes me laugh and feel beautiful and can make me forget everything... all the pain and struggles, just ALL of it!
and can get me too look foraward...

i don't understand it...
but i am NOT complaining...
i am just... lost in wonder!!!

but he... just makes me forget all that!! idk how, but he really does
he demands my attention, but doesn't have too...

i'm already slightly TOO focused on him :/



how long can this really last???

and THAT scares me... bc i'm already attached... already slightly more happy just bc i'm talking to him.

]]> ~NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH http://NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH.deviantart.com/journal/19985865/ http://NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH.deviantart.com/journal/19985865/ Sat, 16 Aug 2008 10:50:45 PDT yeah like 2 weeks ago!

and its not like i've been doing anything else all that worthwhile!

i'm pretty sure i aced the interview, which means i'll get my new phone AND i'll have a job! woo-hoo!!!

and i've been flirting like none other, so hopefully i might have found a decent guy! *crosses fingers* i really hope so...


and the olympics are on and omg like how can you NOT be impressed with them?!!! such raw talent! and such bodies!! XP omg... michael phelps is GORGEOUS and so talented!! and still relatively down to earth!!! and hes frickin SEXY! lol ok done...

butyeah....
about to flood my da...

SORRY IT TOOK SO LONG

]]> ~NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH http://NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH.deviantart.com/journal/19799107/ http://NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH.deviantart.com/journal/19799107/ Tue, 05 Aug 2008 21:57:26 PDT got pics that will be up thursday? yeah... bc today is almost wednesday... so yeah! thursday!

TWO!!
wondering if anyone has heard of Kate Voegele???
shes amazing!!! I LOVE HER!!!!! no joke... if i was a guy, i would do more than just try to make a pass.

but there are two of her songs... that just... make me cry...

THREE!!!!
i just finished the fourth twilight book by stephanie meyer and just WOW
i was on a book reading high for like 3 hours after i finished it the first time!!!



---
four-ish????
this site is like a drug for me... *stealing a twilight metaphor*
it helps pick me up when i'm down. and thats more for the watchers and friends i've found on here.

so thank you.

this year is going to be A BITCH for me, but i'm going to have to make it through one way or another, so just... thanks. <333

]]> ~NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH http://NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH.deviantart.com/journal/19054708/ http://NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH.deviantart.com/journal/19054708/ Thu, 26 Jun 2008 10:19:44 PDT
yes ik how lame "vacay" sounds, but i like it! its fun to say! and somehow seems less dull than "vacation"

i will be lost in the wilderness very soon and computer deprived which will be interesting... :/

and damnit! i was almost caught up, i leave for a few days, and its just as bad as it was!!! sheesh ppl!! lol
nah i love it. i'm just slow at such stuff.

thanks for patience!



heres hoping i don't get eaten by a bear in the UP or Canada lol


---

and btw, i'm not sad about this- i'm frickin STOKED!!! ...but it won't lemme change it

]]> ~NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH http://NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH.deviantart.com/journal/18914011/ http://NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH.deviantart.com/journal/18914011/ Wed, 18 Jun 2008 14:50:49 PDT jim and virginia

breaks my heart!!
virginia is my cousin, and i love her
but jim... became my best friend this year at college

i... i don't know how to feel!!

they both want to talk to me
jim sent an apology via my brother-in-law to me
virginia is wondering how to talk to me, bc i was closer to jim than her, even though shes family.

i'm kinda numb to this whole thing, but hearing jim wanted me to know that he was "sorry he let me down" damn near made me bawl.

i... i just don't know...

]]> ~NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH http://NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH.deviantart.com/journal/18889817/ http://NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH.deviantart.com/journal/18889817/ Tue, 17 Jun 2008 10:06:53 PDT
i'm home alone this week actually bc my parents are on a retreat which is AWESOME, but i've actually found it to be really lonely! which kinda surprised me, but whatever lol

and like i'd been avoiding this site for *ahem* different reasons, but i do NOT care anymore!!! FUCK THAT!!!

i went to a bachlorette party saturday night and omg i have not drank so much like almost EVER!! lol and it was so refreshing and fun and to be w/ those girls... it was a home.
it will take work, bc they're used to me being gone, but i found a friend base!!!

sunday took dad to this irish/scottish/ celtic concert and it was SOOO MUCH FUN!!! i was surprised!! and being scottish a bit myself there was a bit of a connection.
and i got hit on, by this guy who was ATTRACTIVE!! and also who was- ready for this???- one of my brothers friends when he and my other older siblings did irish arts!!!! *an irish dancing group* and i'm his sisters age. he was a little embaressed!! LOL

monday... saw mom and dad off, and then got too my list of things to do for the week and then got bored, talked to evie, and we went shopping for a dress that i can wear to a wedding this weekend!! and i found the PERFECT one, one i had looked at before, for like a THIRD of its actual price!!! and it fits like a dream and i LOVE LOVE LOVE IT!!!

my summers starting to look AMAZING w/ trips to see fam in WI, then going out to CT too see my niece!!! and of course her parents lol and to maryland to see more fam!! XD
but kinda the best part of MD?? getting to see my best boy reeses!!!! and maybe one of my bestest in VA

and who knows! i might see nate while i'm in ct. hes a ny boy, but its only an hour away... *sigh* but idk how i feel about that. me and him are... ify.
i want SOO bad to be friends, but its hard to go back... imiss talking to that boy. hes so amazing.

which makes me wonder- how is it that i can break-up with someone and still wish them well, after the whole getting over it process, but others can't??? huh orry???

and just fyi. you will ALWAYS be my first love, but that doesn't mean i'm still IN LOVE with you.
and that was a jackass thing to do.

maybe things ARE looking up, but that doesn't mean things won't still get me down. *rolls eyes*
WHAT THE FUCK EVER!!

]]> ~NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH http://NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH.deviantart.com/journal/18820675/ http://NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH.deviantart.com/journal/18820675/ Fri, 13 Jun 2008 12:53:05 PDT it had a picture of me and my first love, the only one that still exists i think, and the first line of the "about me" section, was that "i love my boyfriend..." and then it went on.
and ik i should change that picture, but... i couldn't. its still there, still up for ppl to think that theres a girl whos got it all. *HAH!*

then today i was cleaning up my email, getting rid of emails i had saved for who knows what reason that i really didn't need anymore, and found a whole folder devoted to him.

to orry

i had forgotten what the folder name meant...

i'll be posting the 3 poems he wrote for me, but *sigh* it hurts.

i don't have anymore tears to cry, thank goodness! but i cried for months!!! you can't see the scars anymore, but that doesn't mean they weren't real. you can't tell that i used to be skin and bones, but i was.

but prolly the deepest hurt is one no one will ever see.
i still feel it though.

how can i trust this guy that i so desperately want??
i was scared w/ orry, and we all know how that turned out! can anyone begrudge me this fear???

i would've given orry the world. or as much of it as i possibly could've.

and he took that all from me

]]> ~NOTxoxGOODxoxENOUGH