http://search.deviantart.com/?q=by:Painted-Tragedy&section=today deviantART RSS for by:Painted-Tragedy en-us Copyright 2009, deviantART.com Thu, 31 Dec 2009 22:40:12 PST deviantART.com http://blogs.law.harvard.edu/tech/rss http://s.deviantart.com/minish/widgets/apple-touch-icon-precomposed.png http://Painted-Tragedy.deviantart.com/journal/29067028/ http://Painted-Tragedy.deviantart.com/journal/29067028/ Sun, 20 Dec 2009 17:16:50 PST
I don't want to have to mail you and point it out, the whole point of starting this was to have a group of unique characters and most of the characters in the Disorganization are. . .lets face it just alike XD I'm not mad at anyone I just don't want a club of inactive members, ya know?

So once again if you realize you're not as active and you won't be able to become more active please drop out.

I'm holding a contest on Gaia for two openings I'll have the newbies make a DA if they don't have one and whichever two people come up with the two most unique characters will win the spots, there's two open but if you want to drop out and make it three, or four, then please comment in this journal and let me know.

I'm not trying to be a jerk or anything honest I just know you're all getting bored with this and there's only like three people that show up in the chat room and no offense to you guys VampireNightly and Satotsu you guys are great but I want to get to know the other members in my club! XD itasammasuke you were really active for a while then you just stopped and I miss you ;-;

Pyro I only talked to you as Vivix once, but I love your character Agexk she's awesome so you should come in the chatroom more often too, and I miss you too Ayma!!

As far as club goes we are incredibly divided when we should be more together, you know? We should all be talking to each other like besties. . .and we don't D:

So I feel like I failure. . . =.=;;

As a club we should be more friendly to one another and love each others characters like they're our own but we don't do that either. . . I love every one of your guys' characters like there my own, but I don't know them all that well. . .it makes me sad. =[

Anyway I'm going to end this lecture like I said if your bored with the Disorganization or you know you're inactive drop out. . .



|open spot|http://Painted-Tragedy.deviantart.com/journal/28633267/ Sat, 28 Nov 2009 15:36:17 PST
Night terrors. At least that's what my friend said it sounded like, I doubt it though. Maybe. . .

News in my life they took my seven year old cousin TJ Compton off of his Chemo therapy and he's probably not going to last much longer. . . Hopefully his mother will realize this and get off the drugs she's started up on again.

As for me. . . I've been highly debating on whether or not I should see a school therapist. I feel so stressed and agitated lately and I just don't know what's going on in my head. . .

I'm back in that fucking depressive state again, maybe it's just an end of the year thing hell I don't know.

I really hate therapists though so I really don't want to do this even if it would be good for me, I think I'd rather suffer in all honesty. T.T;;

Working on some Disorganization art ;3 To my members you should do the same Y.Y We need more arts people!!! xD

I'll beg. . .don't think I won't. . .cuz I will >///>;;

I've been doing most of the art but we all know I suck at colouring so I haven't gotten much praise not only that but I'm not popular like some of you!

I got an i-phone!!! [just randomly tossing that in there >w>;;]

XD

Get the word out would ya!?

Lul . . . Anyways that's all on me for now. . . ttyl everyone much love.

Pray for me please. . .


http://Painted-Tragedy.deviantart.com/journal/27998761/ Tue, 27 Oct 2009 16:46:17 PDT .>;;

Sorry I've been so inactive lately with the Disorganization, and with my art, I've been to exauhsted or too busy keeping up with grades and soccer to really work on anything it's kind of depressing me. . . .

I want to say sorry to all My Organization members. . .even though most of you have been inactive for a really long time too >.>;; [Show me some of you are still alive out there, please!! Or I'll have to make cuts.]

Anyways yea, I just wanted to say sorry, until there's a break or something I'm not goign to be able to sit down and work all that well without turning out nothing but crap, everythings piling up on me, and it's getting stressful.

I'm literally about to break from all the crap that's on my plate, it's driving me insane. =.=;;

So many expectations from everyone! Coach Guidance Counslers, Teachers, Mom. . . I'm stressed to the max and on the edge. . .

Anyways, thatnks for staying loyal to me guys all of you, if you want to talk I'll be here, just know I'm not completely inactive I still get on, k?

Dead Poets Contest is still underway to anyone who wants to join send in a chara profile.

Ciao~


http://Painted-Tragedy.deviantart.com/journal/27822033/ Sat, 17 Oct 2009 18:41:51 PDT
I'm just writing this journal to drop a quick line, I'm starting a new club here on DA that some of you might be interested in, it's called the Dead Poets Society, some of you may have seen the movie with Robin Williams.

I'm basically writing a fan fiction on it so yea if you wanna join note me up and I'll add you up =3 I'll also tell you the general plot of the story.

There's three openings for it, if you are apart of any of the clubs I've started please don't ask to join I don't like saying no to you people however! These openings are NOT first come first serve it's more like competion style whoever wants to make a chara for this can, BUT the most interesting ideas will be chosen, by me and my fellow judge Mo.

Like I said note me and I'll explain the plot, the story will be posted on DA when I'm done with it. x3

Nani! Ciao!!! ~ <3

Love to all x3


http://Painted-Tragedy.deviantart.com/journal/27527509/ Thu, 01 Oct 2009 18:26:49 PDT
Well, worry a little because I might get eaten by a shark or stung by a jellyfish or kidnapped by some creeper. . .but I won't die hopefully. . .anyways I just wanted to forwarn you guys. . .

I don't really have anything to rant about tonight so this journal isn't going to be all that long, I do however want to apologize for the long gaps in submitions, I haven't had much time to do anything because of my GSA tryouts and working my butt off to keep my grades up in school. . .

Another thing is soccer, that has eaten up most of my time as well -.-;;

So this hobby has slightly fallen by the wayside. . .

I miss talking to all my Disorganization members where the F did you guys all run off to!?

Every time I get on no one is on I haven't talked to you guys in forever I feel quite shunned or abandoned I want to roleplay with you all again ;-;

I miss joo!! ~.sniffle.~

Anyways just thought I'd throw that out there too because every single time I'm in our chatroom it's totally dead and deserted XD

I want to thank all of you guys that have been commenting and I want to thank all my watchers I am so appreciative of you guys and I'm super happy to have people who like my art enough to watch me and comment on my works and also favorites are nice :3

Thankies for making me as popular as I am right now ^-^

Much love,

Vivix



http://Painted-Tragedy.deviantart.com/journal/27379932/ Wed, 23 Sep 2009 17:38:11 PDT
Also to all my MSN buddies. . .my msn is totally messed up it won't let me sign in at ALL anymore it says I'm already signed into a version of the Windows Live so I have no clue what that's about I'll try to fix it if I can but I'm not sure how I will. . .if you have any advice please give it to me x.x;;

Holy crap I have a bunch of stuff to color and upload x.x

New pics of Vivix and others

Absidy

Fan Art

New character for GSA project

Kiku character for Spanish portfolio writing. . .

I have to upload the story for my Spanish class that I wrote because it is just that epic. . .and sad, it is very sad, not for the faint of heart x.x

So yea I'll be busy for a looong time x.x

Oh, and I have kitty ears now!! In case you couldn't tell by my ID pics, I did make them and they need a few more adjustments and I need to make a tail >>;;

But yea they're Loveless ears specifically for Ritsuka. . .

And. . . I have a soccer game tomorrow guys so wish me much luck, ok I'm going to go for now bai guys!!


http://Painted-Tragedy.deviantart.com/journal/27212817/ Mon, 14 Sep 2009 16:27:26 PDT
You all should check it out at this link!!

[link]

I would appreciate comments if you can but I'll understand if you can't it would make me feel so loved though if you could

Anyways not much new has happened I miss me some Caleb cuz we haven't seen each other in ages, and well I sprained my thumb at our soccer game last Saturday and I have practice tomorrow x.x

And. . .well I'm tired and I'll try to upload a new pic tonight I don't know if it'll happen it depends on my lazy state and what kind of mood I'm in for the rest of the night. . .

I'm still making awesome grades, and I'm quite proud of myself. . .

Randomly during English this girl I know, Kayla, was all like "You've been acting said for the past couple of days" and I was all ~.cocks head.~ "I have?" ~.looks at innocently.~ and she was all like "Yes. You have." and I was like "Oh. . ."

So that was kind of awkward, I don't know my emotional stability lowers after first period. . .and I become quite apathetic or Sad not as much in second period as in third, I don't know I think I just get tired, but I do kind of get depressed before lunch, I'm weird like that. .-.

Anyways, all goes well, and I haven't cut in a long long while so everyone be proud of me for that. . .

Oh and for my random rant corner. . . I HATE THE SCHOOL'S EMAIL >_<

Ok so I have this project due in Honors English Three, it's a power point for our independent novel projects and what not. . .but guess who can't get pics becuase every fricken website is blocked!!!! >_<

That's right. . . ME!

If I get an F I'm going to be soooo mad at the school. T.T

I mean it's ridiculous you can't expect kids to do any school projects on those computers!! You can't get any info at all!!! >___<

GRRRRRRRR

Ok I'm done. . .

Ciao for now!~



http://Painted-Tragedy.deviantart.com/journal/27173161/ Sat, 12 Sep 2009 15:29:43 PDT
Through The Fire And Flames

"I'm going to set myself on fire. . ." These are the words that almost tragically ended Brent Runyon's life after he accidentally set a school locker on fire during a gym class to impress some friends. After the Principal of Brent's school threatens the pyro with expulsion all the thoughts of suicide come into Brent's head and he becomes filled with an anxiety that he's going to disappoint his parents.

The author of this book is the actual main character. Burn Journals is about the true story of Brent Runyon who really did try and commit suicide during the summer before his freshmen year of high school. Brent graduated from high school with his class. For the most part he wanted to put the past behind him, but he would continue to explore this pivotal point in his life through art.

During college he made films, splicing together old home movies with footage of himself in the hospital. After graduating from college, Brent worked in radio and created several autobiographical pieces for This American Life, All Things Considered, and other public radio programs. His first radio piece "Fire and Ice Cream," was about his trip out of the Hospital with Tina one of the burn unit Nurses that worked with and grew very close to Brent.

The book starts off normally enough, despite the fact you look at the title and then read the preview on the back and you think to yourself "Who would be that crazy?", during this period of Brent's life he was going through emotional instability, in other words he was dealing with depression, most likely caused by the fact he was going out of middle school and straight into high school, he was fourteen years old. He had only just turned fourteen, when he decided to take a black bathrobe that his parents got him for Christmas douse it in gasoline, and light a match while standing in his bathroom.

The book is a basic description of Brent's time in recovery and learning to deal with his depression and basically going through life regretting what he had done, he begins to question his true sanity and at one point says "Am I crazy? No, I'm not. I was once, back before what happened, but I'm not now.".This is definitely the most defining book with a new genre, one that gazes unflinchingly at boys on the emotional edge, and in some cases even girls on an emotional edge. It talks about all the things some teenagers don't ever think could happen to them, but often it does.

This book talks about dealing with hatred of your own self image, it talks about the fear of disappointing your parents, or simply even letting someone you truly care about down, it talks about feeling sad even when you don't really have reason to be sad. Burn Journals covers all the things that often run through most teenagers minds' even if they don't admit it. The fear of acting like an idiot in front of someone important, the fear of getting yelled at, the fear of embarrassment, the fear of having someone your crushing on shoot you down.

"I light the match. Nothing happens. I bring it closer to my wrist and then it goes up, all over me, eating through me everywhere. I can't breathe. I'm screaming. . ." pg 20 This exert was taken from the description of when Brent set himself on fire later on he goes to tell you about how he managed to call 911 and waited with his brother until the paramedics came.

Later, after he's in the ambulance and he's being taken to the ICU he talks about his mothers eyes, and how bright they seem to be glowing, he spends time describing how vividly green they are and how he can see them so clearly, because his eyes are the same. He talks about being in awe at how her eyes seem to shine as she smiles at him and continually says "I Love you."

"Mom says the night Maggie died I saw angels in my room. She says that Tina was there changing my ventilator and I looked up at the ceiling and said, "There are people flying around my room looking for someone who died, but it's not me." Now Mom and Dad wear little angel pins on their shirts every day." pg 46 Burn Journals.

The school day before Brent set himself on fire was the one part of the book that made me upset the most. I just could not fathom why any friend would ignore someone they were close to, if that someone said "I'm going to kill myself." I just could not see why none of the friends he told said I love you, or why they didn't talk to him about it or even say "Are you serious?" I mean any one of those things could have saved Brent. . . but no one did anything.

I think that no matter who you are, if someone says something like that, you should talk to them, and if you don't tell an adult. I mean i... ]]> ~Painted-Tragedy http://Painted-Tragedy.deviantart.com/journal/26939498/ http://Painted-Tragedy.deviantart.com/journal/26939498/ Mon, 31 Aug 2009 15:27:04 PDT
I invited Jared to play on the soccer team, cuz I knew he wanted to play and I also knew Tyler couldn't play because his track team coach was going to make him choose between soccer and track just like he did Jeremy, and I didn't want to force Tyler to choose so I invited Jared, but mom was going to take Tyler's shin guards and cleats that we paid for back and now Jared's going to play she can't so there was money wasted and it's all my fault!! ;-;

I feel like she's mad at me now, and I don't know what to do, cuz she's tired and cranky and is going to be anyway and I can't make it better. . .and we got into a fight about me being on the computer and having no life, which admittedly made me kinda mad.

I mean I'm doing everything she wants me too, I'm not on the computer twenty four seven, I'm making good grades, I'm keeping up with soccer, sure, I let my room/ entire basement area get dirty, what teenager doesn't!?

I mean I have two B's and two A's for this semester, do any of you know how long it's been since I've had grades like those!? Try like. . .fourth grade!!! ><;

I'm working my @$$ off, and she doesn't even act like she cares!! I mean I know she does because if I get C's this year she's going to take every electronic device I have including my cell phone and MP3 player until I raise the grades next semester, and well. . .I'll just die on the inside if that happens. =.=;;

But I mean cares as in "Oh sweetie your doing a wonderful job!!" She's said that twice I think, so I give her props but I told her what all my grades were that evening and she was all "Hmph, good job." T.T;;

Bah.

Oh, and my throat is killing me, it's been sore and burning all day, ALL DAY! ><

Hope I don't have mono >.>;;

Anyways I haven't posted anything lately, so I'm going to try and fix that. . .tonight maybe. . .since I don't have homework and all but, yea I'm sleepy, I'll tell you all how soccer goes tomorrow, I want to say I'm sorry to my mom again but I don't think she believes I'm being sincere when I say it.

I'm not meaning to cost her money, and I'm not meaning to make her think I'm irresponsible, I'm just trying to make everyone happy, and I know Jared wants to play really bad, and, I don't want to leave him out. . .

=[
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~Painted-Tragedy http://Painted-Tragedy.deviantart.com/journal/26763326/ http://Painted-Tragedy.deviantart.com/journal/26763326/ Sat, 22 Aug 2009 21:07:20 PDT
4 to 0 . . . guess who was zero. >w>;;

I felt bad >.>;; I was goaly at some point and I let two balls in ><;; it was only my first time though, so I guess it's not too . . . horrid. '. .anyways I played defense mostly, I got knocked over by some big guy that was supposedly a "highschooler" but he looked like twenty. XD

And he was twice my size ;-; I just wanted the ball, I didn't want it to go to our goal. . . ~.sniffle.~

Ah well, I gottwo recruits lined up for our team since most of the littlest kids cant really run that fast, don't get me wrong though, some of them are beasts on the field XD like Paige, Nate, Jermiah and Gavin they're the bomb, and Jared our goaly is a really good player o.o;;

Caleb is awesome too, he's a great mid defenender what with all his epic slide tackling skills ;D

I just. . . fail. >.>;;

I'm there XD I have obtained awesome skills yet. . . I'm working on it though.

~.pout.~

Anyway, after the game we went swimming, that was fun, I went down the slide once. . .Caleb tried to make me go again but I didn't wanna I don't like walking around half naked in front of strang people XD can you blame me!?

~.sigh.~

Tan lines.

Horrible horrible tan lines XD

I still look like I'm wearing my shin guards

Anyways. . .

So now I'm at my grandmas. . . her bathroom smells funneh >.>;; and I'm pretty sure her dog gave me fleas, because I itch x.x;; how embarrassing. And it's hot. At least where I'm supposed to sleep, I started sweating x.x and CJ was all like "I'm cold." and I was like lucky! The fan is like directly on you!!

I am mummmed. =.=

~.exhale.~

Hrm. . .no deep thoughts or confessions right now. . .

I joined a cosplay group!! Yay!!! XD

It belongs to she's uber ku-o

Um. . .that's all I can think of right now sorry to my DA family and my Disorganization I can't post all your icons yet cuz I'm on my Grandma's laptop and I don't have my stuff saved so I can't copy and paste and I'm too lazy to type it all out X.x please forgiveth me. I'll get everything up ASAP. . .

BAI FOR NOW EVERYONE!!

]]> ~Painted-Tragedy http://Painted-Tragedy.deviantart.com/journal/26362586/ http://Painted-Tragedy.deviantart.com/journal/26362586/ Mon, 03 Aug 2009 15:43:26 PDT
And my DA is messing up somehow it's not telling me when I have comments or replies or anything it's just spouting off random Deviations. . . XD

I hope it fixes itself x.x;;

I haven't been sick at all lately so that's coolie, and . . .well, I'm not sure, not much else has happened, I've been getting kind of frustrated becaus eI can't post as much arts as I want to but there's not much really I can do about that. . .

I guess me and mother are going down to Cinci to see TJ again at the end of August, I heard he's been doing great and they've even let him out of the hospital a couple of times lately. . .

Oh, I guess for those of you that don't know, my cousin was diagnosed with terminal cancer, he's seven years old and he had a tumor the size of a basball in his head, they went into a fourteen hour surgery and removed 95% of it.

At first he wasn't even able to open his mouth on his own and now he's talking and singing and walking pratically on his own, they hav done x-rays and there has been no more signs of the tumor coming back, so truely it's been amazing for him. . .I mean it's a miracle there's no other way to say it. *-*

But yea, I saw him about four or five weeks ago and we got him a fur real puppy that he named "Bo", he never put that dog down while were there and he kept smiling, it made me happy, because when I first walked into the room it took all I had to keep from crying. . . =.=

So I'm excited to go back and see how he's doing. . .

He's kind of the reason I wrote interrupted, my earlier journal, it seems like more and more people out there take life for granted and all that, and I'm included in that, it's so ridiculous that we /want/ to die, and here is this seven year old boy smiling and happy and he's on the very edge of death clinging to life, and here we are with our ENTIRE lives ahead of us.

I swear I will never understand the human mind, I barely understand my own mind. . . all those sayings about "you don't know what you have until it's gone" drive me nuts, I mean. . . why can't we know what we have?

Anyway. . . I'm ranting. . .

In my social life. . .not much has happened. . . I haven't been able to get out much and a part of me is totally anxious to go back to school and then another part of me dreads it, I mean earlier I talked about my split personalities and what not, now that I don't have a way to keep ignoring them. . .they're going to be like the soul thing I rely on this year to get me through, and I told Caleb all of this. . .

I feel like now that I don't have friends in real life and I don't have someone to fall back on I'm afraid Avid is going to hurt someone. . .I don't know how to control my emotions anymore like I used to when I had friends. . .

I'm alone again just like I was when I was eight and Avid and Blanket were first made. . .

The only difference is this time they don't want to be shoved into the back of my mind when I was having fun with my rl friends. . . =.=

Which I guess is why I created the Disorganization and found more wonderful and amazing friends, it was so I could have a way to vent, and not be scared of jamming a pencil into some rednecks throat because he laughed at me for something and Avid took control. x.x;;

You guys are the best and I'm so glad to have you all I really hope you know that, you've excepted me for the freak I am and even the immature whine bag I am >w>;; I'm so grateful for it, even if I get on your nerves sometimes and vise versa you guys never stop listening and you're always there for me, I love you all so much!~

Well, I guess I'm done ranting for now I'll leave you all alone for the time being. . . XD

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http://Painted-Tragedy.deviantart.com/journal/26285235/ Thu, 30 Jul 2009 20:44:38 PDT
I need a new word for Nobody/Nobodies in the story I'm writing. . . considering I want to publish it I have to make it not a rip-off of Kingdom Hearts. . . so I have a different plot all laid out. . . and I just need a name for the people who have strong souls just no hearts. . .


The choices are. . .

Code's
Apatia's
Barbare's
or
Calloso's

Just comment me with one of the above choices and whichever one is in the most comments will win and be in my story :3

Thanks guys.

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~Disorganization Thirteen~
Our Chatroom [link]

]]> ~Painted-Tragedy http://Painted-Tragedy.deviantart.com/journal/26237018/ http://Painted-Tragedy.deviantart.com/journal/26237018/ Tue, 28 Jul 2009 15:51:28 PDT
>_<

63 comments. . .SIXTY THREE I TELL YOU!!

=.=

Sweet jesus I couldn't even look at them all. >.>

I've been away because I've been sick, very sick, I'm sorry to everyone I worried. . .I just haven't been able to get out of my bed I've been so weak.

I don't know what's wrong with me, but I feel quite well today.

There is something I need to discuss with all my friends and everyone who watches me. . .

I kind of want to start by saying that I'm not going to out and out say I have split personalities, because I think that's a load of crap. I am however going to say there are two other very distinct voices, or people, if you'd prefer, in my head. . .including me.

As crazy as this may make me sound. . . XD I talked to them, the both of them. We've established names for each other, once again as crazy as that may make me sound. . . we've also established personality traits.

I'm going to use this journal to explain them and hopefully explain myself.

I'm the one known as Chance, the original personality the one that was here before the other two, I haven't had a traumatic experience in my life that would have split me in three, which is why I don't think this is split personalities. . .

I've just been alone. . . alot. . . and for a very long time.

Anyways, I'm going to describe myself first, and then I'll do my best in listening to the other two, while attempting to describe them as well. . .

I'm. . .quiet, I love to write, and I hate conflict. I'll do anything to stop a fight even if it conflicts my beliefs and or interests, I can't stand getting yelled at. I'm apathetic, and not very intelligent, I mean I don't think I am. I am the one that kind of adapts to people and attempts to act like them to get them to like me or be happy with me. . .I chew on my lip alot and I rarely smile. I like being alone, I guess that's only because I'm afraid of screwing up when I'm around people, it's like I'm terrified of doing something socially unacceptable. . . I'm a thinker, I'm rather solemn, and I can be negative, but I'm not violent, and I'm normally the one you'll talk to on the computer, I'm the one that's been writing these journals, all of them except the hate journals.

That was Avid.

Avid is . . . the sociopath of the group the one that has a terrible self destructive habit, he's violent and normally lashes out at people, he cusses alot and. . . he's rough. He's hateful and a smart alec, he has a way of pissing people off and he loves to make fun of others, mostly when I'm talking to someone, he'll make fun of them while I'm talking to them. . .He's good at sports and he doesn't really feel pain, he's, I guess you could say my "angry" personality. Which, I believe is the reason he likes to start conflict. When I become him it's almost like all my morals and all my beliefs and even my heart go out the window. He hates everyone, He hates being nice to anyone, he thinks everyone is basically a fake, and that the only way to survive is by yourself, and on your own. He's hard to explain for the basic reason he wants to protect me and Blanket at any cost.

Blanket is. . . more or less the child of the group, in my mind I see him as a twelve year old. . . he's my feminine side, the shy quiet me, that likes to day dream, He's the one that craves affection, and attention, but not the bad kind, not the kind that Avid likes. He's the part of me that just wants to be held, and hugged, and appreciated in some way, he wants to know that someone loves us. . .he's kind of the reason I've been pushed into relationships, that. . .hurt me, or in relationships that I got hurt, he only did that because he hates being alone. . .He smiles quite a bit, and is a curious person, he's normally seen with a pout on his face and that's how you can tell when he has control, of me, I guess you can say, I pout slightly. . .He's extremely intelligent and he's the artistic side of me, he can also sing. . .He's soft spoken. . .

My voice does change when any one of us is in control, you'd have to know me personally to hear it, but Caleb, my friend, has noticed it. . . he asked me why my voice did that and I couldn't really explain to him why. . .

My expression and sometimes the way I /look/ changes I can see it in the mirror, I mean I can see it but it's like I have no control over what I do when Blanket, or Avid have control. . . I can yell at them in my mind x3 but that doesn't always work, especially with Avid, Blanket listens to me mostly. . .

I guess this can kind of explain it. . .I don't know, this is probably just a figment of my imagination or whatever, but I can hear them, I know they're there, whether they're my conscience or my "angel" and "devil", I don't know, I just know that's what it is, and... ]]> ~Painted-Tragedy http://Painted-Tragedy.deviantart.com/journal/26070154/ http://Painted-Tragedy.deviantart.com/journal/26070154/ Mon, 20 Jul 2009 16:16:27 PDT
Or maybe I'm just a kid. . . interrupted.

School starts in two weeks. I don't want to go back, not really. The only thing waiting for me in that place is a whole bunch of other teenagers just like myself, collected on the inside, but totally burning up and praying to God that every day no one sees past their perfect facade.

That they don't trip or say something stupid, or piss someone off. They try every day to make everyone happy, and they'll continue doing that until they die.

Some of my friends pledge that they don't care what anyone thinks, or who they piss off when they tell the truth because they're just being them. They're being themselves and they see that as heroic, but it's a lie.

They do care, they care about whether or not they piss one of their friends off, they care about what they say to their parents even, because they know what is socially acceptable and what isn't.

Social expectancy. In the end, even if you claim you're "Just being yourself." You're not. You're doing as much as you can without straying to what isn't the social norm. You're still trapped. You aren't free to be yourself and do what you want, you have to still be normal.

When you walk through those halls as much as I have, you see peoples faces, and you see this look of seriousness, intensity, like they have no idea where they're going, but they really do.

You have no idea what's going on in there life, and they don't have any idea what's going on in yours.

For all you know your best friend could be thinking about suicide, to me suicide sounds more like a virus, then anything, a sickness, that infects your brain like cancer and you can't get rid of it, like a tumor, you can go through the kemo and radiation but it comes back.

Some people get through it. They look back and they think it was stupid. They think anyone who is thinking about suicide can get through it just like they did. If they can't, they're an idiot, they're stupid they're weak.

But that's not what makes them weak.

The fact that they talk about it, but never do it, the fact they go through every hell filled day fighting the lie that killing themselves is what they should do.

The fact that they may drag that blade across their wrist and fucking pray for the courage to press down, but never do it.

That's not weakness. That's strength. The strength to fight your worst enemy. Yourself.

Every screw up you make that thought comes back in your head, miss the train, kill yourself. Get an F kill yourself. See the movie, you like the movie, you live. Run a stop light on the way home, kill yourself.

I know what it's like to want to die. How it hurts to smile. How you try to fit in but you can't. How you hurt yourself on the outside to try to kill the thing on the inside.

When you don't want to feel, death can seem like a dream. But seeing death, really seeing it, makes dreaming about it fucking ridiculous. Maybe, there's a moment growing up when something peels back. . . Maybe, maybe, we look for secrets because we can't believe our minds. . .

How the hell am I supposed to recover when I don't even understand my disease? All my friends want me to tell them why I'm sad, but what they don't understand is, I don't really have a reason. I just am. I am.

I think my worst fear in life is having someone tell me, they wouldn't care if I died. I'm not saying this for pity, I'm saying it because it's the truth, I'm saying it, because, if someone said that, if someone said they didn't care if I lived or died, I would know, I would know that I already was dead, that my heart was so cold I couldn't see past my own selfish tendencies or sociopathic outbreaks, to see all the people that truly cared about me.

Maybe I need to see a therapist. I don't know. I have an issue with telling a full grown adult who pretends to know what I'm going through all my problems and my entire life story so they can skim it with a fine tooth comb to find out what's wrong with me. If anything is wrong with me. I just have a problem with therapists, it doesn't matter how nice they are. I just don't like them.

All they can do is run through their paper work of all the different bull crap they can diagnose me with and pick one that most likely describes what I'm talking about.

So maybe I shouldn't see a therapist.

Talk to my friends? Eh, maybe about the certain things, couldn't ever give them the full story because even they would think I was psycho, the only difference is I would get pinned with any kind of diagnonsense.

I'd just freak them out a bit and maybe... ]]> ~Painted-Tragedy http://Painted-Tragedy.deviantart.com/journal/26038010/ http://Painted-Tragedy.deviantart.com/journal/26038010/ Sun, 19 Jul 2009 03:55:59 PDT
I guess since they want me to specify so badly even though I didn't want to single them out =.=

Rina was the one that upset me in the last journal.

Morgan and Andy were the ones that upset me in previous journals.

I'm not whining about how nobody likes me because I know that's not true.

I'm just tired of getting notes and comments from you guys when we're not friends anymore. I'm sorry ok, sheesh, I'm sorry.

It's just I'm tired of being noted and commented with all this crap when I really just, don't even want to talk to you guys anymore, and I mean I've told you guys that I don't even know how many times now.

Leave me alone

Leave me alone

Leave me alone

I keep repeating it and repeating it. Look, I've got no problem with any of your new members they didn't do anything to me, I didn't mean to make it seem like they did. So I'm sorry.

I don't even have a problem with the people who didn't want me out. . .or whatever.

As for calling Rina a backstabbing bitch, I didn't do that. I called Andy a backstabbing bitch. >.>; Just clarifying that. Oh, I called Morgan and Vivian that too a couple of times, I don't know if it was in a journal or not, but I thought it, so sorry for that too.

And Ashley, I guess that's your name, I'm sorry to you too even though I have never met you. =.=
Some of you mentioned my immaturity and my self absorbency, mostly my immaturity, so I apologize for being immature.

Sorry for posting hate journals about all of you, I've said this already but I'll say it again I was only upset with a couple of members.

Ok I've apologized to the ones I needed to apologize too and I've clarified things, I don't have a problem with the entire Order. This isn't a hate journal or anything, but with all these messages I've been getting about not clarifying and bunching all of them together, I shouldn't have done that, but I felt a little bad for singling any of you out.

I'm sorry for anything else you guys can think of, I mean this honestly and I'm being sincere whether you believe it or not is up to you.

As for Sara and Rina I've said this already like five billion times, but you guys /were/ the best in the Order, I got along the most with you guys, in these journals I haven't meant for it to seem like I was calling either of you any bad names. I'll be out and out and say that I said that about Andy, I'm not going to lie.

I didn't deserve as many chances as you guys gave me, and I understand that.

I know her bluntness is just who she is, but I never took it so well, I also couldn't shake the feeling that she just hated me, she said she was sick of my whiny shit, look I'm sorry I whine, but that's just kind of who I am it's how I vent.

If that pissed you guys off I'm sorry, and I'm sorry I made it seem like "I wasn't accepting anyone's friendship" I didn't mean for it to seem like that either.

I don't trust people easily, I'm too afraid to get hurt, I've talked about this with Sara already.

I may change when I get older, and I may not. I don't know, I can't see into the future.

All I know is I have a very good friend whose been with me through thick and thin, her name is Kelley and I love her to death. I'm crying right now just thinking about going through a school year without her, she was just such an amazing person and I love her so much I'm afraid I might not make it with just talking to her on the computer, or texting.

I want to be where I can hug her. Thank her for everything she's done for me and all the things we've been through.

She moved this year and that sucked, because I guess this was the year I needed her in one of my classes the most. I also have three of the greatest guy friends I've ever known in my entire life, Jared, Jeremy and Jacob.

Even though I whine and complain, they kind of understand what I'm going through, they even whine and complain back to me, it how we all kind of just, not only get to know each other better but it's how we get through High School and all the shit we go through.

All of my friends have been like that, that's what I'm used to, that's what I grew up with in Oklahoma. I grew up with friends that would whine to me, I'd console them, then when I'd whine or complain or something they would always say something to deny what I was whining about or make me feel better.

Like I said it's just how I've learned to cope.

That's right, I knew you guys didn't like drama but I've never considered that drama, I've always considered it asking for help.

It may have seemed like when you guys... ]]> ~Painted-Tragedy http://Painted-Tragedy.deviantart.com/journal/26019251/ http://Painted-Tragedy.deviantart.com/journal/26019251/ Sat, 18 Jul 2009 03:45:04 PDT
When people /pretend/ to care about me and my life decisions. Look, it's all noble of you to type that on a keyboard and all guys but listen, if I want to fuck up my life, commit suicide or what the fuck ever it's really none of your business.

I'm tired of it, you obviously frickin have no clue how mad I'm getting, I have been nothing but nice and civil to you guys since the whole big drama and I thought we had everything straightened up, but I guess not.

You guys keep coming up with every possible reason to note all my new friends and say this or do that and wah wah wah. I have to keep apologizing to them for bringing them into this whole mess and I honestly feel bad, they shouldn't have to deal with you guys even if you'll never leave me alone. T_T

If you're going to hassle someone. Hassle me. Ok? Not my "new friends". Whom I actually care about and who at least /act/ like they give a rats about what's going on with me, unlike you guys the apathetic amazing wonderful never make mistakes fucking saints. T_T

You guys might care about each other and all that crap, but the one thing I know is the truth is that NONE of you cared about me so just don't even say it anymore.

I don't want to hear all this well you stabbed me in the back, or shot me in the face or whatever the hell other emo saying you can come up with -.- and I really was trying to be your friend. . . buh buh buh BULLSHIT!

Believe me I know when someone cares about me and all you shallow people. Didn't. Sure you went through the motions and /acted/ like you cared but every single one of you can name something you hate about me.

I know you can.

Otherwise I wouldn't have been kicked out of your little clique by unanimous vote and tossed aside like some disgusting bag of trash.

So save it please.

On a side note, I'm still sick, I'm cold and I'm definitely probably going to die. T_T

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



~Disorganization Thirteen~
Our Chatroom [link]

]]> ~Painted-Tragedy http://Painted-Tragedy.deviantart.com/journal/25988551/ http://Painted-Tragedy.deviantart.com/journal/25988551/ Thu, 16 Jul 2009 15:23:40 PDT
That's the kind of sick I am right now -.- that, and I have a massive headache.

Anyways I drew a couple things and I need to photoshop them. Soon. . . I don't know if I'll feel like it tonight but I'll do my best. Anyways I played tennis today and I think it twas the sun that made me sick >.>;

Maybe I have caner. . .=\

Who knows. I've been feeling sick like this for about a week and a half now. -.-

Hope I don't die .-.

Anyways yea, tennis, XD I'm getting better but it's hard when the ball goes sailing over my head to hit it back >.>;; and it's terrible hot, like, no relief in the middle of Iraq or Australia,HOT.

The tennis courts are basically a giant frying pan. . . and you, are the egg. x3
WELL, I'm going to sign off for now and hang out at our nearly deserted chat room with Arxivi. XD

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~Disorganization Thirteen~
Our Chatroom [link]

]]> ~Painted-Tragedy http://Painted-Tragedy.deviantart.com/journal/25883189/ http://Painted-Tragedy.deviantart.com/journal/25883189/ Sat, 11 Jul 2009 16:06:16 PDT
He just made people uncomfortable. He shouldn't have to force himself to deal with us if he has a problem with homosexuals.

I'm just saying, the only reason I blocked him was because I was afraid he was going to cuss me out or something in a note, I don't do well with being yelled at when I'm just trying to do the right thing x.x;;

Anyways I had to run again today D: I hate it XD for some odd reason it wasn't as bad as the last time I ran though xD I don't know some days I'm in the mood to do it and other days I'm not. . .it is very strange. o.o;;

I've been thinking I need to do some fan art of something or whatever to get more watchers! Huzah! XD

If anyone has a request or something feel free to ask me and I will do it to the best of my abilities! I swear >.>;;

I'm still listening to Michael Jackson XD I miss him!! If you don't like it well fuh xD he was the greatest and I can't believe he died!! I'm so sad ;-;

It's no fair I wanted to see him in concert too ;-;

GUESS WHAT GUESS WHAT!!

Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince comes out in. . . .FOUR DAYS!! Squee >w>;

HARRY POTTER! That's it!!!! I'll do fan arts of that xD

I haven't done that since I was in like. . .sixth grade though XD I'll do my best ney? o.o;;

Anyways I'm outtie for now bai bai!~


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~Disorganization Thirteen and A Half~
Our Chatroom [link]

]]> ~Painted-Tragedy http://Painted-Tragedy.deviantart.com/journal/25871858/ http://Painted-Tragedy.deviantart.com/journal/25871858/ Sat, 11 Jul 2009 00:42:56 PDT
Ok peoples if you want the number ten spot and lightening entrigues you as an element go for it because the last filler was just in here because he was bored, XD

He didn't know how to roleplay in a roleplay group either -.-;;

Does that make sense? To anyone? -.-;;


Anyways yea number ten is open as a spot if you want it or are interested in it, Note me, but you have to talk to me!! XD Don't be afraid honestly I don't bite too hard. >.>;;

You have to be open to doing fan arts of the group too cuz that's fun :3 but if you're not that's ok x3 we could always use more intellectuals XD

This group is for semi-advanced roleplay

I'll be making a story with these characters as well >.>;;

Anyways it's late my stomach is growling and I'vehad a very tiring day even though all I did was play KH 1 I'm exauhsted XD I want my mum to take me to get my permit >_< so I can drive and get a job and progress in my life and then eventually get old and die!

XD

Sorry. . . I had to rant a little x3 Speaking of ranting I got a part in my church drama I really REALLY don't want to do. -.- I have to sing "Nobody Likes Me" in front of like pre schoolers XD and it talks about eating worms and crap that's embarrassing!!

They're making me do it anyway -.-;;

Ugh!!! ;-;

Oh and Woahness-13 I love you, but get your profile in!! XD

I'll help you get inspired and I'll help you work out stuff with your Chara if you want me too just tell me like what your stuck on and need inspiration with. xD We are two profiles away from being complete!!

My OCD-nes-ness is driving me crazy. -.-

Sorry if it drives everyone else crazy too XD
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NUMBER TEN IS OPEN

~Disorganization Thirteen and A Half~
Our Chatroom [link]

]]> ~Painted-Tragedy http://Painted-Tragedy.deviantart.com/journal/25842893/ http://Painted-Tragedy.deviantart.com/journal/25842893/ Thu, 09 Jul 2009 16:04:23 PDT . . .


The Disorganization files are almost complete!! The profiles I need are

~#2
~#10

That's all :3

Anyways I have a bunch of stuff to photoshop!!!

And in case any of the Disorganization members didn't get the memo or don't know, WE HAVE A CHATROOM!~

YAY!! Thanks to Zexor :3

Here's the link!~ [link]

Anyways I hope to talk to you all soon and get all my stuff done!~
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]]> ~Painted-Tragedy http://Painted-Tragedy.deviantart.com/journal/25657102/ http://Painted-Tragedy.deviantart.com/journal/25657102/ Tue, 30 Jun 2009 17:32:52 PDT
Please if you already have an element post a comment on this journal naming said element. I'm lost right now because I have no idea who has what element and I need to talk to those of you who don't have an element.

So we can finally get the Disorganization organized. . . o.o;;

I also need to state in this journal what can get you kicked out of the Disorganization. . . basically the stuff that can get you kicked out is spreading rumors, bashing characters, and or inactivity.

I don't expect you to all get along, that would be creepy. u.u

However, if you do get into a fight with a member I want to hear both sides of the story and then I want to talk to both of you at the same time, whether it be on MSN, Yahoo, or in our chat room. . . that way we can at least try to work things out. . .

If it's ok with all of you add all the other members to your DA watch we all have to get familiar with each other and what not so yea that's the best way to go about it, so do that if you haven't already. . .

Another thing! In your profile Requirments where it says PET: that means like animal so pick an animal, it's important, they guard our hearts and what not so yea they also have to have a name. XD

Um, I think that's about it for now.

Much love to you all and have a great week. I might not be on much after tonight with family and what not so peace. . .

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


WE'RE A COMPLETE GROUP NOW!!!! Woot!~

Seriously, everyone celebrate and while you celebrate. . . TURN IN YOUR PROFILES. x3;;

]]> ~Painted-Tragedy http://Painted-Tragedy.deviantart.com/journal/25632766/ http://Painted-Tragedy.deviantart.com/journal/25632766/ Mon, 29 Jun 2009 15:37:17 PDT
Anyways I got my ex friends off my back they'll probably read this because for some odd reason when I was in there group they didn't care what I did, but when I got kicked out they picked up the habit of spying on me. -.-;;

It's annoying.

So this message to you if you are reading it, I don't know if Andy made this clear but I have Police friends and a Private Detective for a father. Sending me threatening voicemails and Notes on the internet isn't such a good idea.

I can bag you guys for Harassment Charges, Cult Activity, and surprisingly, producing Kiddy Porn.

So leave me alone. I mean it.

Anyways my day went well we're just cleaning up for my brother and his family to come out which I'm so excited for! I can't wait so I might be inactive for a while guys to spend time with them and do other things.

Mowing was hard, buh. Anyways I'm going to go. . . flitter off to my mushroom house and work . . . x3

Bai!~ <3
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Numbers left: 9

Elements left: Whatever you want o.o;; Earth was too close to Flora.

ONE SPOT LEFT!!!! XD

]]> ~Painted-Tragedy http://Painted-Tragedy.deviantart.com/journal/25611999/ http://Painted-Tragedy.deviantart.com/journal/25611999/ Sun, 28 Jun 2009 17:07:00 PDT
Shinigami-Shintai

Serpenaya

If any of these people contact you talking bad about me, you don't have to tell me, I'll understand if you believe the things they say and leave our group.

The thing is I got kicked out of their RP group for something that wasn't my fault, something I didn't even do. None of them gave me the time of day to explain my story and none of them cared.

I was treated like crap there by all of them and now that I'm out of their little Clique and trying to start my own and make new friends and be happier they're deciding to go to all my friends and talk crap about me.

It's how they work, they see I'm doing fine and that I'm happy so they want to screw everything up for me.

Like I said if you believe the things they say about me it's fine I understand just tell me you want to leave and I'll get it. I just found out they are messaging members of mine from my friend Relyxt.

And they called me immature. >.>;;

Honest, I didn't steal anything from them! I've lied about a million things in my life, I mean I am human I'm a teenager, I screw up, but I would never lie about this. I can't believe they're even doing this. . .it's really low.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~




Numbers left: 7 9

Elements left: Earth Flora Ink

]]> ~Painted-Tragedy http://Painted-Tragedy.deviantart.com/journal/25594527/ http://Painted-Tragedy.deviantart.com/journal/25594527/ Sat, 27 Jun 2009 20:29:36 PDT



Numbers left: 3 4 7 9

Elements left: Earth Flora Wind Ink

]]> ~Painted-Tragedy http://Painted-Tragedy.deviantart.com/journal/25115227/ http://Painted-Tragedy.deviantart.com/journal/25115227/ Wed, 03 Jun 2009 20:45:35 PDT I found a flower at my feet,
bending there in my direction.
I wrapped a hand around its stem
and pulled until the roots gave in,
finding there what I've been missing.
And I know....

So I tell myself, I tell myself, it's wrong.
There's a point we pass from which we can't return.
I felt the cold rain of the coming storm...

All because of you,
I haven't slept in so long.
When I do I dream
of drowning in the ocean;
longing for the shore
where I can lay my head down.
I'll follow your voice;
all you have to do is
shout it out!

Inside my hands these petals browned;
dried up falling to the ground,
but it was already too late now.
I pushed my fingers through the earth,
returned this flower to the dirt;
so it could live, I walked away now.
But I know...

Not a day goes by when I don't feel this burn.
There's a point we pass from which we can't return.
I felt the cold rain of the coming storm...

All because of you,
I haven't slept in so long.
When I do I dream
of drowning in the ocean;
longing for the shore
where I can lay my head down.
I'll follow your voice;
all you have to do is
shout it out!

All because of you.
ALL BECAUSE OF YOU!

All because of you,
I haven't slept in so long.
When I do I dream
of drowning in the ocean;
longing for the shore
where I can lay my head down.
Inside these arms of yours.

All because of you
I believe in angels.
Not the kind with wings,
no, not the kind with halos;
the kind that bring you home
when home becomes a strange place.
I'll follow your voice;
all you have to do is
shout it out!

I'm lonely and sick. . . and crying for no appearant reason -.-;; guess I haven't done it in a while so it's time to shed some tears again. :3

I'm working on a pic of Vivix and Vivi [his somebody] back to back. It's looking good I'm just trying not to get it wet. -.-;;

~Ciao~

-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Disorganization Thirteen


]]> ~Painted-Tragedy http://Painted-Tragedy.deviantart.com/journal/25041462/ http://Painted-Tragedy.deviantart.com/journal/25041462/ Sat, 30 May 2009 22:27:25 PDT
Basically this is just a club for friends and fun, we get to roleplay a little make our own unique characters and just draw our heads off or have others help us with fan art!! Oh and if you like making new friends and meeting new people who love Oc's and anime as much as you do this is a good place to be!!!

You don't have to know about Kingdom Hearts.

You don't have to be able to draw.

You only need one character. Just one -.-

All you have to know how to do is Roleplay and make up and awesome OC! Oh and you have to know what to put in your profile heh heh. . .

Your character can be

Girl Boy Neko Human Vampire Demon Elf Fairy What ever you can think of! [No dragon people or over the top furries though. . . they kind of scare me ;-;]

Your character can also be

Gay Straight Bi or Asexual!

It's all up to you!~

Come on join!!! Preeeeaaaaase? ~.puppy face.~

People who have joined already:




Numbers that are left 1 2 3 4 7 9 and 10

Elements that are taken.

~Glass/Colour
~Water/Ice
~Night
~Anima

]]> ~Painted-Tragedy http://Painted-Tragedy.deviantart.com/journal/25019072/ http://Painted-Tragedy.deviantart.com/journal/25019072/ Fri, 29 May 2009 17:01:32 PDT
And well, we went to the amusment park yesterday and I got to spend time with my bestfriend and my crush, it was great I had a really good time and I know they did too, it was so much fun and the coasters weren't old and rusty this time. :3

Mystery Mine was the best!

Today we got to go to the mall and shop for shirts for a friend and that was fun, just because I like to walk around our mall, even if there's not much to it lul.

Now I'm feeling kind of drained and tired, maybe a little sad, I keep thinking about my friends that I've lost and I keep wondering what I did to deserve all this, I keep looking back at past events trying to figure out how I might of pissed them off, if I was acting bad or rashly or whatever, and . . . I just don't see any mistakes.

I don't regret leaving them in real life, they made me sad, and I was depressed when I was around them half the time. . . they never listened to me when I was hurting, and whenever they did they said I was whining.

Do real friends do that now?

Did I make a mistake was I supposed to just deal with their attitudes and the snippy remarks and the emotional abuse because that's what friends do?

I'm confused for right now. . . I don't know what to do . . . and I'm a little sad but. . .

I don't regret getting away from the people whoe treated me badly, and if that makes me a bad person, if that makes me stupid, and if it gets me kicked out of groups, clubs, clicks, Orders, whatever it is. . . then. . .

That's ok.

I believe what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I'm not dead. This hasn't killed me. If I end up alone with no friends, then so be it, I will be stronger for it, and I won't be sad anymore.

]]> ~Painted-Tragedy http://Painted-Tragedy.deviantart.com/journal/24965243/ http://Painted-Tragedy.deviantart.com/journal/24965243/ Tue, 26 May 2009 16:53:32 PDT
I need to be artsing right now. . . I don't like having such a blank page it makes my non existent OCD go buck wild. -.-

~.snicker.~

I got to go to the library today ^-^ a friend was applying there and even though we were supposed to be gone like an hour we were gone for like. . .four. x3;;

But that's OK I was able to "get away from it all" for a while.

I got to meet his uncle who is like a falconer and he was really rad he was the kind of old guy you could talk to about anything, ya know?

Anyways, today was good. . . my heart still hurts from recent bloopers I've made, but. . . I'll get a band-aid soon I just have to find one.

]]> ~Painted-Tragedy