http://search.deviantart.com/?q=by:Paradeof1989&section=today deviantART RSS for by:Paradeof1989 en-us Copyright 2009, deviantART.com Tue, 22 Dec 2009 21:15:30 PST deviantART.com http://blogs.law.harvard.edu/tech/rss http://s.deviantart.com/minish/widgets/apple-touch-icon-precomposed.png http://Paradeof1989.deviantart.com/journal/18782894/ http://Paradeof1989.deviantart.com/journal/18782894/ Wed, 11 Jun 2008 11:26:25 PDT so much has gone wrong, so much has gone awry.
but a handful of beautiful moments have sprouted in the midst of turmoil.

we've come so far down that endless road of life.

we've intertwined our live so deeply that the damage is irreversible.

the damage. the damage forever held inside our hearts.
the damage that constantly reminds us that were real.

the cut that never heals, the one that reminds us of our highest highs and our lowest lows.



do you remember that, my only?
do you remember?
your soft breathing reminds me of our first nights alone.
we've always been alone.
we've always had each other.
your wrong when you say it, but i know you mean it.
sleep well because that's when were at our best,
subconsciously guiding ourselves together.



we're separate but together,
together we separate.

i've never heard you sing but i know your song by heart.
the time we have left is so unsure but don't be skeptical, just enjoy the days we've accrued through the choices we've chosen.

stationary, i cannot grow. i can only connect. but it's the best that i can do.

covert and confined, i have become your shadow and you are my light.

secreting our mind's thoughts, we listen without hearing.
but we cannot stop, if we stop, we are done, so we don't stop.
we just keep molding and switching.

reminiscent, we remain. but always we will be for everyday must go in front of the next.

what if i told you we lost our love, but found something better.
could you agree.
would you know what i meant before i stated the truth.


no sensations, just sailing, just familiarity that cannot be topped.

how long will this last?
how long will we last?

an eternity in my eyes, but how long in yours.
just tell me what you mean when you say you love me.


what can you possibly mean?


nothing good can come of this, but nothing bad can come either.
merely contented peace.
waves.

]]> ~Paradeof1989 http://Paradeof1989.deviantart.com/journal/18774155/ http://Paradeof1989.deviantart.com/journal/18774155/ Tue, 10 Jun 2008 20:36:33 PDT has

an




abusive dog. he takes advantage of her. he hurts her. he begs her(throwing her emotions into a jumbled mess) and then he plays dead. (throwing her emotions into complete turmoil)


this dog then abuses his priveleges and and gets on her bed.


this dog is no male dog, this is a bitch.

when this dog sleeps it snores, making her have long, sleepless nights.


this is a terrible bad bad dog.

he is a satanist actually.
this is one of those "soul less" dogs.

he barks loudly to annoy her in the midst of a serene day.



this dog licks her face, just after she gets out of the shower(mind you he has an unnaturally stinky tongue.)

"he is also an asshole" says morgan.


he runs in his dreams. runs of running far far away, so as to break her small and fragile heart.
he only wishes her pain and agony.



her dog does not sort her socks for her.
he beats her until she does it for herself


her dog does not keep her warm at night, he merely sits and stares at her majestic naked body.



her dog(leo is his devious little name) does not empty the bags of her lawn mower after she labors for hours on her acre lawn.
he merely watches her, lemonade in hand.

her. dog. is. a. bitch.

]]> ~Paradeof1989 http://Paradeof1989.deviantart.com/journal/18766379/ http://Paradeof1989.deviantart.com/journal/18766379/ Tue, 10 Jun 2008 12:39:40 PDT so unstable and completely uncompromising.


alone, but not lonely.
the statement that i have worked so hard to master and the statement that basically rules my existence.

it seems so simply but is so deeply complex that one can only brush the surface of understanding in a whole life time.

]]> ~Paradeof1989 http://Paradeof1989.deviantart.com/journal/18748661/ http://Paradeof1989.deviantart.com/journal/18748661/ Mon, 09 Jun 2008 12:49:54 PDT
maybe its the new mural i saw on the old gates rubber company,

maybe its the dude who looked just like snoop dogg that waved at me for no reason.

or the girl who smiled at me.

or my new ipod.



or....going for a run in the morning and smelling cut grass.

maybe it's dreams of getting the hell out of here.

maybe, just maybe, it's me.



i hope the one i'm thinking of id having a good day too...it's so hard to know. but i have hopes.
he would want me to have hope. and wishes.




if only my mom would get the damn wireless at the house hooked up...if only. lol.

]]> ~Paradeof1989 http://Paradeof1989.deviantart.com/journal/18739152/ http://Paradeof1989.deviantart.com/journal/18739152/ Sun, 08 Jun 2008 22:04:19 PDT
when if the world were flat, i'd gladly walk right off the end into the black abyss that lay beyond.


i'm not meant to be here. i look at the sky and know, i know that this just isn't for me.


i'm meant to be somewhere else. somewhere where there's such things as hopeless love, skies where you can actually see the stars, small towns with big buildings and people who still have hearts.


there are times when i need a hug.
the kind of hug no one i know can give me.
the kind a dad can give.
the kind that means in these arms you're safe from everything.
that kind. you know. that most kids got all their lives and that i cant even remember ever getting.


shitty.
why don't i just slit my wrists.
this sounds emo enough,
don't you just hate it when you feel THAT pathetic?
i do.



i guess goodnight world that i have always lived in, yet is more foreign than anything i know.

]]> ~Paradeof1989 http://Paradeof1989.deviantart.com/journal/18675551/ http://Paradeof1989.deviantart.com/journal/18675551/ Thu, 05 Jun 2008 08:25:38 PDT

so here i am. wondering why i am so weird. wondering why a few words from one person can mean so much. and wondering why they won't say them when i need them to. wondering why i expect so much. wondering how i always let myself down. wondering what i'm doing wrong constantly. wondering why i can't get it right, time after time.

i wonder what's wrong with me.

i wish i knew what he was thinking. i wish she wouldn't have excluded me for so long. i wish he wasn't gone. i wish she understood...like she used to. i wish that i could do something...just one thing...that was right for everyone. i wish i knew how to make things fit together and work. i wish i wasn't human and didn't exhibit basic female qualities.

i wish i didn't wish so much.

there are times when the world seems on the verge of splitting. and times when it sits perfectly still...waiting for the next fit of eruptions. expectant.

i wonder what's wrong with me.

]]> ~Paradeof1989 http://Paradeof1989.deviantart.com/journal/18671513/ http://Paradeof1989.deviantart.com/journal/18671513/ Wed, 04 Jun 2008 23:12:53 PDT
really bad.

i miss feeling wanted.

i miss my phone ringing.

but i dont miss scene kids or lying girls or boys who only want in my pants.
i dont miss that.
and i try really hard to convince myself that 8 months ago, when i went into solitude, i was doing the right thing. but i also try to think i might have given up on some really good friendships.

what do i do?
finally i have become everything i ever wanted.
alone but with love.
and still...nothing.


i mean this desolate trip into nothingness has resulted in excellent grades, a fun job and meaningful relationships.

but i miss adventure...and spontaneousness.. and i doooont knoooow.

i miss caring about my appearance, and all the other superficial things that people loved about me.

and now that basically all of those are gone(and i cant even remember how to get them back) and the real me is here, and next to no one actually likes the real me, i am sort of second guessing my choices.

no one likes chubby, red headed, cynical rachel.

everyone likes cute skinny, black haired, uber make up, tube top, skinny jeans, "im so awesome everyone loves me" rachel.



what a rant huh.
on a lighter note, i didnt get to go on my normal night time run due to the rain, but i did get a good work out closing alone at work.

dear whoever cares...i love my life...yet i cant ever be even close to content, why is that?

ps. NO i have a pen pal...SWEEEET

]]> ~Paradeof1989 http://Paradeof1989.deviantart.com/journal/18476871/ http://Paradeof1989.deviantart.com/journal/18476871/ Sat, 24 May 2008 09:50:52 PDT some wisdomous words and a hug last night are making me actually look forward to getting on the road now.


yesterday was the first time since my childhood that me and my younger brother Jesse actually acted like brother and sister.
we dont see eachother much, or ever really but now he's moving home and we spent the afternoon sitting on our front porch of our new home watching birds.

he's become so intelligent, despite his facade.
its strange.
but it was wonderful to run around like 12 year olds, playing hide and seek from our step father.


oh yeah...haha. and it was my last day of highschool ever. it was less than satisfactory..how appropriate.

time to go usher my mother out the front door and on toward the spud state.

]]> ~Paradeof1989 http://Paradeof1989.deviantart.com/journal/18444321/ http://Paradeof1989.deviantart.com/journal/18444321/ Thu, 22 May 2008 09:01:39 PDT
i guess i can't complain. at least i finally get to meet my long lost family from my dad's side.

if this is something i've always wanted, why do i feel so reluctant to go?

ghhguuugghh.

im so unenthusiastic about going to work today. blegh.

]]> ~Paradeof1989 http://Paradeof1989.deviantart.com/journal/18386208/ http://Paradeof1989.deviantart.com/journal/18386208/ Sun, 18 May 2008 16:18:09 PDT although i dig too much into it.
i hate that part.
i always want to reach out and grab their shoulders and ask "what did that mean?"
"why did you just look at me like that?!"
i mean it just feels weird, knowing i'll most likely never see that person again, and just for a second, we were connected. and then it's over for eternity.

]]> ~Paradeof1989