deviantART: by:PatriLususNaturae

Message My New Account.

~PatriLususNaturae — Fri, 21 Dec 2007 15:03:38 PST

Comments on this account are now disabled.
If you want to reach me, for any reason, you'll find me at ::.

this account is officially my art gallery. and only-only-my art gallery.
kthxbye.

honestly, I love everyone who was so great to me on this account and thank you so much for all the support and advice you gave me, and for bearing with me through all my emofuck journals and shitty poems.

you should be given a fucking medal for all you did.
I love you.

Â¡Luke! Â¡Luke! :

Message me:
Here, or

here, if you've got a myspace page.

orrrr, if you have a LiveJournal, click here.

Many happy returns, guys. Love and thanks and happy holidays to you all. Only two days until I can look at mature content.
Whee.

Um?

~PatriLususNaturae — Thu, 29 Nov 2007 08:48:15 PST

Guys. Seriously. This account is obsolete. I'm only using it as a gallery now, not a place for notes or comments. I'm not going to respond to comments or notes here, so please refrain from sending them.
If you'd like to stay in touch visit my new (and functioning) account: but read the journal there first.

and seriously.....no more comments/notes!

IMPORTANT EDIT: FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 30th, IS THE LAST DAY THAT I WILL REPLY TO COMMENTS/NOTES/DEVIATION SUBMISSIONS ON THIS ACCOUNT.
Please refer to and read the journal entry there, and add if you wish (after reading the journal.)

Informations Concerning My New Account

~PatriLususNaturae — Mon, 26 Nov 2007 08:57:12 PST

(the s was intentional)

Please take note of some things:

A): Do NOT add my new account if you are not the sort of person to comment/note at least once a week. It gets rather tiring trying to sort through my DA list and finding people I haven't seen around for more than 40 weeks.... and since DA is an art site I'd like only to be watched and to watch people who are friendly, yes, but who also maintain an interest in helping me improve my art or simply telling me what they like about it, etc. Critiquing AND socializing is fine; socializing and not critiquing is NOT. I have a Myspace for that as well as several IMs and email.

B): Do NOT comment my page saying "thanks for the fav" or anything to that effect. While I'm pleased that you're grateful for my adding your work, I didn't do it to earn brownie points and all those "thanks for the fav" comments serve only to clutter up my desktop and make my DA screen run horribly slowly. Yes, I have a shitty computer.
C): DO NOT, DO NOT, DO NOT EVER LEAVE ME COMMENTS THAT CONSIST MERELY OF SMILEYS OR MONOSYLLABIC RESPONSES like "cool" "nice" "thanks" or anything of the sort. Again, that only clutters up my page uselessly.

It may seem like I'm being anal-retentive.
I am.
This place was supposed to be an art site. Not MySpace, and not Anime Central. (major pet peeve there.) So while I don't mind socializing in terms of notes, I'd prefer if the comments left on my page and my deviations (when I start uploading) actually pertain to the work and inform me that either I'm doing well or I could use improve on (and elaborate here).

oh. And one more irritant to get out of the shell:

DO
NOT
FAVORITE
ANYTHING
WITHOUT
COMMENTING
FIRST.

I cannot stress that enough.

Okay, enough comment Nazism. XD. Try not to hit me, okay? I'm trying to improve my DA experience. So to speak.
I'm posting this there, too, so if you don't see it here you can't exactly use that as an excuse.

one-way glass

~PatriLususNaturae — Fri, 23 Nov 2007 17:32:45 PST

I have reached a point where I am no longer myself;
i don't see a reflection in the mirror. i don't feel anything beneath my fingertips when i put my hand to my face.

and where have I gone?

i can't write shit anymore; i can't tell stories anymore; i can't make my brain cells tremble and if i touch a finger to your lips they're cold now. all of you. your lips are so cold.

i have swallowed myself entirely;
drowned, so to speak

last night i had a nightmare that i crashed into the ocean and drifted far below the surface of water that was completely transparent, no oxygen no mask no life jacket, and i thought "hey, if there's cliffs above our heads that means we're close to la-" and i woke up before the thought finished

i'm so afraid; i want myself back
i want to write again. feel again. be again.
but who could ever bring me back
if i don't know where i've gone in the first place
or how i got there?
why can't i love anymore? sing anymore? smile anymore?

why
have i
become
so
empty?

put your ear to my chest, breathe deep, and listen: silence, and a whipping breeze

Should I make a new account?

~PatriLususNaturae — Wed, 21 Nov 2007 08:08:22 PST

I'm tired of seeing "PatriLususNaturae" in my browser's title bar.
People on DeviantART who put thought into their names usually have names that reflect them as people, as artists, etc. whereas I I joined here almost three years ago, an amateur, wanting to look fancy and literate. So I made up a Latin name.
PatriLususNaturae does have a meaning, of course; it's just that the meaning has nothing to do with me as a writer, photographer or poet. It's scrambled a little; it means "Father, freak of nature".
Certainly I'm a freak of nature, but for some reason putting it in Latin makes it sound like I'm lamenting that when in fact I love it that way.
And I've had some hellish experiences with this account- look at all the journal entries I wrote in the beginning, with Caleb, with Lyle, with my issues being Christina's friend, with all that stuff.... but here I am about to be eighteen and about to at least attempt to come into my own. I want to be known for my writing, my photography.
Not for a ridiculous moniker like this one...
And even though it means I'll have to redirect my email/start a whole new gallery, I suppose it's worth it. I can always shift this account to another of my sixty million emails, after all, and just link people to this account's gallery if they want to see my old stuff.
Seems like a lot of hassle for just a name, doesn't it?
Until you think about it. Juliet was very wrong about names; what you name a person, a thing, a place, shapes it. You give a person a name like a gentle flower, nine times of out ten his soul is soft and gentle at its core, like Lyle (his name is English, for "lily"). Or if you name someone after a philosopher, a writer, a poet- they'll grow into that sort of person.
Just the same, if you give people names like the people at my school- Eushekia, Yeika, Japonika for instance- they're typically loud, ghetto people.
That doesn't mean they'll be awful people who don't speak correct english, or that all people with names like Lyle's or Caleb's or Zack's are going to be upstanding elegant people. But more often than not, that's the case.
So, with all that said- I'm wondering whether I should create a new DeviantART account. It'll take some deciding before I create it, of course, although its name is leaning toward my pen name, which is Phoenix Moth (there is a nice story behind that name).
What do you think?

Shirt + Awards Show (late again)

~PatriLususNaturae — Tue, 20 Nov 2007 10:59:10 PST

Maybe I should move the show to Tuesday. Since I keep doing it on Tuesdays. LOL.
I'm wearing my new white man-shirt. I feel like such a lesbian-transman. Wewt. Score one for being transgender, ne? And what's more, my MOM bought it for me. So to be nice to her, I've got it on open over a gray sleeveless shirt, and black pants with my new argyle socks (the black and purple ones).

So! On to this week's awards!

e.e cummings Awards:

, for [link]

, for [link]

Note: If you feel like whining that the same people win these every week, it's only because no one sends in nominations and Random Deviations only brings up anime crap.

Jack Pierson Awards:

, for [link]

, for [link] and [link]

, for [link]
~ Show's Over.

the concert

~PatriLususNaturae — Mon, 19 Nov 2007 12:08:59 PST

I went to the Tool concert, indeed.
Section 304, row 10, seat 1.
I was four rows and three seats away from where I was supposed to be. I was shaking, I was cold and I was wide open. After all, this is Maynard we speak of....
For about 20 minutes, there was only chatter, loud chatter like a game, and the marquee around the arena. I was nerves; wouldn't it be so loud, and wouldn't I have a panic attack from the noise like I do when people cheer in the gym at school while the band plays, remember how I ran out of the band room that day they started to practice and I was sitting in the center of them? I lost my mind, really. Lucky I was quiet about it....

They came out, and Maynard spoke, but I couldn't hear him at first because the crowd was cheering.
And the first song they played was "Jambi", which I had been listening to in the car on the way there. So I was startled. I was completely calm after that, and we all sang along, and we were loud, and some of them moshed, some of them headbanged, some of them sat in their seats, and some stood, and when we sang along we sounded like one great big choir....
And it was dark, except the lasers. Great bright lasers, spreading, splitting, splintering, to the rhythm, to our voices, and then to nothing but themselves, and onstage Justin making love to his bass fairly, and Adam being reserved and passionate in his own right, and Danny battling it out at times with a man that came on the stage- they had a battle on their drums during "Lateralus"- and there, there was Maynard, singing, screaming, even better in person, and it was so unreal....could this really be the same person whose voice has lulled me to sleep four years now? I found that strange. I found it stranger that I felt comfortable, as if I'd only gone to a concert Jeff's band was giving or something. As if I knew him, like I could possibly know him, sure.

Mm.

It wasn't at all like I expected. I didn't shriek or scream or anything like the girls were doing, didn't whistle ( I can't whistle), I only sang along, and sometimes I threw my fist in the air, and danced in my own little way (how could I help but dance, music moves me so). And the lasers at one point divided so that they spread in a net beneath my section, cutting us off from the 200 and 100 and standing room sections, like we'd been separated into a whole other world, almost, the way it looked, so dark above and below but for the lasers (they were green at that point but sometimes they were purple, sometimes blue, sometimes red and white.)

Last song was "Vicarious". And I was sad. I was incredibly, deeply sad, and empty, because I realized it was over. We came, we saw, and we left. Something so important to me might have been another day to the others, even to the band themselves, and could you believe that by tomorrow life would be exactly like it was yesterday? How depressing.

I think that I'm in love, isn't that funny? What a teenager I've become suddenly.

Idea Flow: PLEASE RESPOND WITH SUGGESTIONS!

~PatriLususNaturae — Fri, 16 Nov 2007 06:27:04 PST

I've just gotten some great photography ideas.
First of all the Tool concert is tomorrow. Wewt. I got my ticket yesterday, it's orange and looks very official and ticket-y.

Second, I have lots of teachers here I'd love to do photos of, and I've just realized there's not much reason I shouldn't be able to take photos of them.... the only issue is how nervous I'd be. Like with Mr. Brubaker..... (Caleb, you know why, considering your Mr. Lundt thing.... can you imagine asking to draw Mr. Lundt? /dead)
But I really want to.
So I'm going to work up the courage one of these mornings to catch Ms. McCartey and see if she'll sit for me, and I might ask Mr. B but he's very jumpy and...hm...moral, I guess you'd say? He's like a seventeen-year-old and I secretly think he's actually just a sixteen or seventeen-year-old supergenius nerd guy who can't reveal his age to us because the kids would eat him alive. They already torture him because he's white....the kids would chomp all over a white teenage teacher.
The point is he's very awkward and nervous and shy and stammers a lot, so I don't know if he'd let me do that.

However I really would like to try, preferably during the cold months because the light is so amazingly clear.

And has anyone else got some ideas for shots I could do? You'd have to look through my gallery, kind of relate it to Louisiana or my friends, because my resources are limited and so is my talent. However if you think there's something I could try with my limited resources and talent and my crappy camera, give me some ideas! I want to start uploading more photography again and I'm dying to make a photo portfolio for college anyway....

I wonder if anybody would actually fly here and do some pro bono modeling for me....ha. Doubt it. No one is that generous/rich/patient.

Well it was a nice thought.

Rain + Awards Show (late)

~PatriLususNaturae — Tue, 13 Nov 2007 06:41:19 PST

So the Monday Awards Show is late in coming because yesterday the librarian decided that even though there are two or three other library aides and I was actually doing work on the computer, she would single me out and have me singlehandedly shelve books for the entire remainder of my second period.
Thanks a lot, Mrs. Orlando.

Anyway, the winners of the current awards for Monday, November 12th, 2007:

e.e cummings Awards:

, for [link]

, for [link]

, for [link] [link] and [link]

Jack Pierson Awards:

, for [link]

, for [link]
, for [link]

, for [link] and [link]

And the newly introduced Flow Award to myself, , for [link]

* Hey, I said you could nominate yourself, didn't I?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Congratulations to all this week's winners! If you haven't seen thesee brilliant pieces, click the links!
And remember guys, if you see anyone you think deserves mention, link me. Even if it's your own work.

At the end of the month I'll do a "feature" (is it still a feature if you haven't got a subscription...?) on the month's winners, and in December (probably on my birthday) I'll do a Way Back feature for deviations (usually plucked from my favorites gallery, since I fave every deviation I love when I go Random Deviation hunting and that's how I gather material) that should have won an award. So not being featured yet doesn't mean you won't ever be featured!
and , I'm coming for you next!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I see Tool in exactly four days, 7 hours and 20 minutes....

The Third Cummings Award

~PatriLususNaturae — Wed, 07 Nov 2007 14:51:34 PST

And the third e.e cummings award of the week goes to for [link]
I know the show is only on Mondays, but this..this was too good.

Chapbook/Awards Show

~PatriLususNaturae — Wed, 07 Nov 2007 06:32:07 PST

repugnant is a creature who would squander the ability to lift his eyes to heaven conscious of his fleeting time here

[certain words I might've mistaken, but that's the general sentence and I still love the words/song].

Anyway.
So I've finally gotten around to picking ten of my poems to put in a little chapbook, and now all I've got to do is bind it. I've got all ten poems, the copyright page, etc. and I need a sheet of construction paper and a stapler. And I'll be SET. Le score.

Poems in this one(that I can remember):

human race

ripe:imbibing fuzzy bullets

ars poeterotica

memento

message to magritte

you took the tune at random

i am predicting my legacy

baby, my baby

There are two more, but I can't remember what they are. If you've got suggestions on what should be in the next one, let me know. [and they kinda have to be mine, although if I reach five volumes I'm going to make the fifth a collaboration, so if you'd like to be in the fifth volume get back to me on that.]

I'm very itchy. I usually get itchy when I'm really nervous, but I can't think of what I could be nervous about....
One of those high-frequency sounds is going off near me and it's making me blink. I don't know who's doing it but they need to fucking stop, because it's not funny.
(fucking idiots I go to school with.)

So about the awards: Currently there are three, the Jack Pierson, e.e cummings and Madison Pope awards. There'll be more soon enough, I'm sure, since I love giving awards.
Has anyone found someone new to nominate yet? (you can nominate yourself, yep yep, but you'll have to tell me why you think you should get it.)

I'm going to make little banners in Paint because I don't have Photoshop anymore.

I guess that's all I really have to say right now, so I'll talk to you guys later.

Awards Show!

~PatriLususNaturae — Mon, 05 Nov 2007 15:03:53 PST

Introducing...the Jack Pierson and e.e cummings Awards!
Awarded by moi, to anyone I feel has done an absolutely amazing job on a piece!

So far the winners are:

Art:

-Jack Pierson, for [link]

- e.e cummings, for everything, [link] and [link]

- e.e cummings, for everything

-Jack Pierson, for [link]

Personality::

- Madison Pope Award [for Most Emo] (dude, does it count if the first award goes to the person it's named for....)

The awards are named after my favorite poet and my favorite photographer. My very favorite wish-I-could-do-what-you've-done poet and photographer, so even though this isn't an official award in the world it's a pretty high honor from moi. The other awards are named based on whomever I decide is the most or best insert related adjective or noun here More awards will be thought up and awarded all through this week!
So congratulations to the very first winners!

More coming later this week- I'll award them at any time between Tuesdays and the following Sundays. Winners will be announced each Monday.
Nominate anyone you think should get one! If this actually goes somewhere I'll even make little banners.

ATTENTION!

~PatriLususNaturae — Fri, 02 Nov 2007 06:40:46 PDT

ATTENTION :

VLADIMIR AND PAX HAVE KISSED.
and Pax said no. Although he thought yes.

That's all.

swift

~PatriLususNaturae — Tue, 30 Oct 2007 17:40:34 PDT

[link]

Walk with me.

Avatar Quest

~PatriLususNaturae — Mon, 29 Oct 2007 06:55:55 PDT

Before you read this, read my last journal entry, you inattentive losers.
Would someone do me the huge favor of....making me a .gif avatar?
Nothing on Google really says me. You know?

la prix de la vie

~PatriLususNaturae — Mon, 29 Oct 2007 06:47:24 PDT

I've now submitted three excerpts from the Kit/Maponos story.
From what you've read, if you have, what do you think would be a good title?
I'm actually really enjoying these two. They just met, but I didn't submit that part yet, and I'm probably going to wait a while before I do because I need to figure out how they'll mesh in the beginning. The emphasis in this book isn't going to be the two falling in love so much as Maponos learning to let go, to be taken care of for once, and in the end, to forgive himself. Basically. I think I explained all of this in another entry.
So, updates: Kit and Maponos have met, Maponos is pretty much speechless. That's about all. At the moment he's managing only small sentences, and is rather confused as to what happened to him.
Ha, ha. Poor Pony. You've got a crush on the big bad bartender, haven't you darling?

Anyway.
...and caleb, I've always found "darling" to be a rather sexy word. I really think you're wrong there. Demeaning, what the hell.

It's going to be time to go soon. Hope you guys are well, I keep having weird-ass dreams, et cetera.

they say freak

~PatriLususNaturae — Fri, 26 Oct 2007 14:04:09 PDT

I.

am.

going.

to.

see...

FUCKINGSR OTSAKTGORAKMOMD TOOL.
I AM GOING TO SEE TOOL.
ME.
IN THREE WEEKS.

HOLY FUCKING SHIT.

La Prix des Livres

~PatriLususNaturae — Fri, 26 Oct 2007 06:55:39 PDT

I just realized something about the books I write.
The characters, more often than not, have relationships ranging from strained to violent with their mothers.

Hm.

I wonder if I'll manage to finish this one. Here's a bit of a briefing:

Maponos is seventeen, a dreamy thinker whose mother is a waitress at a bar a few streets from the run-down trailer where they live: Maponos, his mother and his baby sister Morgana. Maponos doesn't go to school, because his mother needed him to drop out to take care of Morgana, who's seven months old and likes to call him "Po" after their mother's nickname for Maponos, which is Pony.
While reading Great Expectations to Morgana (....don't ask why the hell he's reading Charles Dickens to a baby), Maponos is happened upon by...dun dun dun!!!! Kit.
Kit (his name is Kather; his mother wanted a girl so badly she refused not to name him Katherine, but acquiesced by dropping the "ine") is somewhere in his late twenties (I'm not sure yet) and works at, interestingly enough, the same bar as Maponos's mother. He, however, is a bartender.
[Projected Summary] Kit and Maponos basically forge a relationship, and Kit helps Maponos take care of his sister and teaches him basically both to be a kid and an adult/teenager (...you didn't really think there'd be no sex, did you? ). They fall in love, of course, but the major thing here is actually between Maponos, Morgana and their mother; the two are rather neglected as the book goes on, and eventually Morgana takes sick, and since their mother has no friends, no insurance and no real idea how to take care of her children the baby dies.
Of course Maponos considers himself guilty. The police, however, take in his mother on charges of neglectful parenting and endangering a minor, et cetera, and Maponos moves in with Kit and works out his grief there.

Okay. That's about all I have. I like it, actually, and I really want to finish it.
I posted an excerpt (La Prix de Penser) here, so you guys can check it out, but I know half of you have ADHD-type attention spans so don't feel bad if you can't finish it.
I love you all, and Caleb I'll reply to the RP soon as I can haul myself away from Kit and Maponos. Tell me what you think, okay?
to all my (you ever notice that's a rainbow icon? )
(P.S. I take the ACT tomorrow. Google it if you don't know what that is. It's similar to like, the bac in France or the GSEs in other countries.)

Character Quiz I

~PatriLususNaturae — Wed, 24 Oct 2007 13:48:23 PDT

1. Choose a few of your own characters. Five at the most.
2. Make them answer the following questions.
3. Then tag three people.
4. Feel free to go ahead and add some questions yourself!!

OCS:

Five Members of the Demastus Family:

G(uillermo) N(icolai) Demastus-Pyotrovich, a.k.a NicÃ¶lÃ¡
F.(rancisco) V.(incente) Demastus-Pyotrovich, a.k.a Vincent
Viento P(agano) Weiss de Melancolia y Demastus (yeah, his nameÂs long, heÂs half Argentine. Shut up.)
LÃ¤cheln Cristiano Weiss de Melancolia y Demastus, a.k.a. Lin
Nazarenus Nairomich Weiss de Melancolia y Demastus, a.k.a Nairomi

How old are you?

NicÃ¶lÃ¡: Â.524. But if you tell anyone I swear IÂll kill you. Especially you, Viento.
Vincent: 519.
Viento: Why am I always getting blamed for everything?
OhÂright. 26.
Lin: 1. ThatÂs right, bitches. IÂm a year old.
Nairomi: Â.Ich bin 20 Jahre alt. (to Viento) Oh, sorry, Liebling, I forgot. IÂm 20.

What's your height?

NicÃ¶lÃ¡: 6Â1. Unless IÂm angry.
Vincent: 5ÂÂ6Â? IÂM PETITE, OKAY.
Viento: Same as my dad.
Lin: How tall am I, Papa?
Viento: About two feet, mijo.
Nairomi: UmÂ 5Â8Â?
Viento (snickers): Yeah, when youÂre standing up.
[To which he is answered by a smack from Nairomi and snickering from NicÃ¶lÃ¡ .]

Are you a virgin?

NicÃ¶lÃ¡: LOLOLOLOL
Vincent: Â.heh heh.
Viento: HA! ThereÂs no such thing as a demon virgin.
Nairomi: ...n-noÂ.
Viento: (jerking a thumb at Nairomi) He is definitely not a virgin.
Lin: IÂm the only virgin in this family except Jade. And heÂs only a virgin because heÂs a toddler.
*** Lin is a special form of darkling.

Who's your mate/spouse?

NicÃ¶lÃ¡: My darling Vincent.
Vincent: NicÃ¶lÃ¡, of course. (kiss)
Viento: Nairomi, when he isnÂt sleeping with certain parents of mine.
Nairomi (glares): That was ONE TIME, Viento.
Viento: Sure, sure.
[shoving ensues]
Lin: (to Viento and Nairomi) Papa, Vater, thatÂs enough. :: sighs :: IÂm still a baby. I havenÂt got a spouse.

Do you have any kids?

NicÃ¶lÃ¡: Yep. Three. That brat over there (points to Viento, who gives him the finger and then blows a kiss) and my little Jade. OhÂand Franz.
Vincent: Yes, I have two sons, Viento and Jade.
Viento: Yes, one son- Lin.
Nairomi: Two- Lin and Franz.
(yes, thatÂs right people. NicÃ¶lÃ¡ got Nairomi pregnant. Bad boys!)

What's your favorite food?

NicÃ¶lÃ¡: Vincent.
Vincent (blushing): Bliny with sour cream on top.
Viento: NairomiÂs cum.
Nairomi (blushing as well): UmÂVientoÂs bloodÂ.
Lin: Papa and VaterÂs blood, mixed exactly with a ratio of 1:1 and a drop of wine.

What's your favourite ice cream flavor?

NicÃ¶lÃ¡: Vanilla and VincentÂs cum.
Vincent (by now a funny shade of cranberry): Â.Chocolate.
Viento: Mint chocolate chip.
Nairomi: Strawberry!
Lin: Since IÂm only a baby, my diet consists solely of my fathersÂ blood.

Have you killed anyone?

NicÃ¶lÃ¡: Yes, my brother and father. But he came to life again, the bastardÂ.
Vincent: Â.Yes. My father.
Viento: You know, I think IÂm the only one of us who hasnÂt killed anybody. I did try to kill Nairomi thoughÂI shoved the heel of my stiletto boot through his throat.
Nairomi (fidgets): YeahÂ.he did.
Â.I killed one of his cousins once.
Lin: IÂm not a violent person, except when Papa tried to kill Vater and I had to restrain him. He was really quite insane.

Do you hate anyone?

NicÃ¶lÃ¡: Yes. My brother and father.
Vincent: Yes. My father and NicÃ¶lÃ¡Âs father. And the weatherman.
Viento: My grandfather.
Nairomi: I used to hate VientoÂs TiÃ³ NicÃ¶lÃ¡s, but we got over that.
Lin: Again, IÂm nonviolent.

Have any secrets?

NicÃ¶lÃ¡: Yeah.
Vincent: Yes.
Viento: I tried to kill the love of my life. But I had good reason.
Nairomi: (fidgeting again) No, not really.
Lin: IÂm the most powerful member of the Demastus clan and IÂm only a year old. But my family doesnÂt really know it yet. So please donÂt tell them. I donÂt want them to be frightened.

Do you love anyone?

NicÃ¶lÃ¡: My family.
Vincent: Ditto.
Viento: Double ditto.
Nairomi: Âcan I say triple ditto or is that too lame?
Lin: I love my family very much.

What is your job?

All: DEMONS DONÂT WORK. WEÂRE RICH.

On the Subject of Legacies

~PatriLususNaturae — Mon, 22 Oct 2007 06:46:45 PDT

So we're watching a movie that I've always wanted to see, but my class was too busy being smartasses to the teacher so I couldn't hear much.
I have always wanted to see it though, so naturally I was pissed.
(The movie's Freedom Writers.)
The point, though, is that what I did hear made me think about something....
...when I die, are people going to remember me? And what for?
What do I want people to remember me for?

I guess more than anything I do want to be remembered. For years. The way humanitarians and presidents and even criminals are remembered ages after their great-grandkids have great-grandkids.

But what could I ever do that would become something that memorable?
I hate having talents everybody in the whole world has. Everybody can write, at least a little. Everybody can sing, at least a little.
I wish I could do something absolutely amazing, that could make people just stop and stare in astonishment the way I do when I read poetry by some of the people on here, or when I look at 's writing [which you should really read...], or 's art, or 's paintings.
(I was only doing a couple of people, so that doesn't mean you're not amazing if I didn't list you.)
Wow, this sucks. x.x I wanna be good at something! Really really really fucking good.
Flugelhorns...XD No, my lungs are too tiny. Okay see, I have webbed fingers and my lungs are small. This rules out strings and wind instruments. As well as piano. Which I would really love to play. (Damn you, Caleb you piano-playing whore.)
Anyway I can't read sheet music.

Choooo this is complications....I WANT PEOPLE TO REMEMBER MY WRITING, THAT'S WHAT.
I should find more styles of writing, explore new poets and things.
Does anyone who likes e.e cummings know of any good poets? (Because cummings is my absolute favorite, and so that means you might have similar taste? Maybe.)
I am so hungry.

What about you guys? What are you going to leave behind?

Day of Atonement

~PatriLususNaturae — Fri, 19 Oct 2007 08:14:35 PDT

Joyeux anniversaire, mon souris.

I wish I could make it great.

The Year of the Lily

~PatriLususNaturae — Thu, 18 Oct 2007 06:34:23 PDT

Today would have been our first anniversary. Even though we weren't married.
Do you realize that means we'd have loved each other- have been together- for an entire year, even though we're teenagers in high school?
Here where I am that's a pretty big accomplishment. By now, by the time a year has passed, my mother's moved to another man, my aunts are single again, (hell, one of them was married for only months)....and we, seventeen years old, and in two different countries no less- we did it.
Even though we're not together, we did it.
Because I still love you more than I can express, and contrary to my own fears, you still love me, too.
Do you know that's why I've waited?
Do you know I don't even look at anyone in school?
I don't need to.
Not at all.
Everything I was ever taught or experienced about love, you've proven so incredibly wrong.
A whole year gone. A year since the night I said I loved you.
Since the night you blushed so much when you said it back, and I cried.
I remember that.
I wonder if you ever wonder whether I'll get tired of waiting for you to be ready for a relationship again.
Don't worry. After all you've done for me, all you've done to me, I couldn't help but have the patience for you that you've shown to me for so long.
This is the thirteenth month that I've lived loving you.
Because of course I loved you long before I said anything about it.
Typically, I don't feel the distance between us, because you're so deeply imprinted on me that it's hard to remember we're hundreds of miles apart. But now I wish for a moment I could be beside you, just so I could whisper "Happy anniversary" in your ear and kiss your cheek, and watch you flush because you're so damned adorably bashful.
I love you so much.
I truly do.

my darling.

[posting this in my LJ as well, because I know you won't see it here ]

mature content my ass.

~PatriLususNaturae — Wed, 10 Oct 2007 15:42:06 PDT

Okay, I can understand the filter in general.
But WHAT THE FUCK IS WITH BLOCKING US OUT OF OUR OWN SHIT?
How the hell do you decide somebody isn't mature enough to look at shit they submitted???????

God, sometimes this site pisses me off so bad.

If only there was a better one.

pantieshot

~PatriLususNaturae — Wed, 10 Oct 2007 06:30:48 PDT

So seriously, can someone give me some feedback (see entry entitled Scrapslease Read! )? I'd like to put this out before December.
By the way, the song in my Listening To blank is the one that the poem I wrote the other day is named after, for those of you who might be all happy because you noticed the connection. So yep, you got it. I named the poem after that song.

Great song. I downloaded it because I heard a snatch of it on CSI: Miami. Rolling Stone was right- commercials and TV shows and movies are a pretty clever way to get people to buy music. I always end up hunting down songs I hear on commercials ("Music Box", by Regina Spektor, and "The Way I Am" by Ingrid Michaelson, from the JC Penney and Old Navy commercials respectively, for instance).

Right, right, I'd better get off here, the bot is on the move....]

antieshot:RSGASM.

.....what the hell. lol.

~PatriLususNaturae — Tue, 09 Oct 2007 14:17:42 PDT

A : Easy to fall in love with.
B : You like people.
C : You are really silly.
D : one in a million.
E : Great in bed.
F : You are dead sexy.
G : You never let people tell you what to do.
H : You are Quirky.
I : Great in bed.
J : People Adore you
K : You're wild and crazy.
L : Unbelievably great in bed.
M : best kisser ever.
N : You like to drink.
O : Crazy
P : You are popular with all types of people.
Q : You are a hypocrite.
S : You love to drink
R : Fucking crazy.
T : You're loyal to those you love.
U : You really like to chill.
V : You are not judgmental.
W : You are very broad minded.
X : You never let people tell you what to do.
Y : best boy/girl friend any one can ask for.
Z : Always ready.

E : Great in bed.
P : You are popular with all types of people.
I : Great in bed.
P : You are popular with all types of people.
H : You are Quirky.
A : Easy to fall in love with. [are you serious?]
N : You like to drink. [you know it.]
I : Great in bed. [WTF?]

M : Best kisser ever.

S : You love to drink. [Ha. I wouldn't say LOVE.]
O : Crazy [Yeeep.]
I : Great in bed.
L : Unbelievably great in bed. [O.O]
E : Great in bed.
A : Easy to fall in love with.
U : You really like to chill.

...god, I must be hella good in bed.

Scraps: Please Read!

~PatriLususNaturae — Mon, 08 Oct 2007 06:54:07 PDT

I've decided to take the publishing of my poetry into my own hands! I'm going to construct books of my own using material I find in my house. Yei resourcefulness.
I got the idea from an acquaintance of mine, Simon, who mailed me his and his two friends' brilliant little chapbook a few days ago. I loved it, and they inspired me. ([link] I believe, if you'd like to get one yourself! It's worth it!)
But the thing is, I NEED YOU GUYS' HELP.
Please, please, comb my poetry gallery and choose your favorites, or ones you think are best, so that I can narrow down which poems go into the first book!
If you do this I swear I'll send you free copies if you want.
Or maybe I'll take a bit and write you a poem!

Would you guys do that?
Get back to me ASAP: I want to start this and have it at least in motion by December because...that's right...I TURN EIGHTEEN IN DECEMBER.
and I've always wanted to be published before I turned eighteen.
x.x
I love you guys.
Your opinion is one I really would like.
and as well as , you guys too.

Thanks in advance!

(Oh. And titles, please? I haven't come up with one.)

EDIT: Please rate the poem(s) you choose from 1-10 so that I can know which order I should put them in! That way I can save the best for last.

Thanks again!

Campbell's Soup

~PatriLususNaturae — Mon, 08 Oct 2007 06:20:50 PDT

We just had to view a video on modern art, and I've come to a conclusion: you can paint whatever the hell you want however you want, and no matter how mundane or completely ridiculous it is (a dot on blank canvas, anyone?) once you're dead everyone will ooh and aah and call it brilliant, genius, a new era of artistic expression.
What a load of bullshit.

I'm beginning to think I really don't like paintings. I have yet to find a painting I thought was anything more than some bored person who died and got famous because of it.

That's the funny thing about people. Either they condemn what they don't understand- or they enshrine it.

What the fuck.

That said, I wonder how many people would comment the drawings I've been doing in my sketchbook. I like them but they're not exactly Jack Pierson.
Look up Jack Pierson. I love Jack Pierson.

I should post those drawings. You guys ought to see what I've been doing with my sketchbook. XD. I have a running series going.
I'm hungry.
(Hey boss- for those of you who are blinking- , that painting rant didn't include yours, 'kay? I like your paintings. You are a great painter.
Those people we saw on the videos today were...not.

GOD.

~PatriLususNaturae — Sat, 06 Oct 2007 18:42:49 PDT

I am so sick of seeing fucking ANIME drawings all over DeviantART!
SHITTY FUCKING EMO SCRAP LYRICS AND ANIME.
I'M SO SICK OF SEEING SHIT LIKE THAT.

IF YOU'RE WONDERING THAT HAS ABOUT 55% TO DO WITH ME WANTING ATTENTION FOR MY AND MY FRIENDS' GALLERIES, YEP.
THE OTHER 45% IS BECAUSE I FUCKING HATE ANIME ANYWAY, AND THESE PEOPLE CAN'T FUCKING DRAW, AND WHAT THE FUCK. DEVIANTART IS SUPPOSED TO BE AN ART SITE, NOT A "SEE HOW BADLY YOU CAN FUCK UP SHIT THAT ALREADY SUCKS!" SITE. Which is what it seems to be.

Something Funny Going ON

~PatriLususNaturae — Sat, 06 Oct 2007 17:46:52 PDT

XD Today is funny. My mom got a new car (she went in for an oil change, she came out with a new car. What salesman was she with, he should get an award. XD) and she bought me....a fucking iPod.
On the one hand I feel bad because a) that's a shitload of money and b) I love my CD player! Besides you can't program an iPod or bookmark songs that I know of.
But I'm happy she did something like that and I'm grateful. I drop my CD player a lot and it's hard to hide. So that's a plus.
Now the amusing thing is I've downloaded songs.
Songs from commercials.
I now have the songs from:

the Garnier commercial
the JC Penney commercial
the Old Navy commercial

(both the last two are recent commercials)

If I see any more of them I'm so looking them up.

cuntface

~PatriLususNaturae — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 06:57:38 PDT

( I love the word cunt.)

I finally decided to post the poems I wrote over the past few weeks. I didn't post them all, and some I probably should have not bothered to post, but I felt like I've been neglecting you guys so I decided to give you something to tide you over until my next wave, especially my partner in crime: Here's to you, Lamelo.

(various hand motions to //// depending on which one you are (some in combination with others) , as well: )

cunt twang

~PatriLususNaturae — Sun, 30 Sep 2007 00:44:33 PDT

Alert: Anyone who doesn't know how to use Google Documents and wants to communicate with me should learn, because if you send me documents I can check them at school, I think- so you can use the document just like an email.
Or send me messages here, but I don't know how long DA will remain unblocked at school. I'm hoping forever.
My back has a really tense muscle on one side. It feels like the ones on cartoons that twist in coils and tug at your back.
Hurts.
Well I'm going to bed.

how ironic, considering my last journal. but

~PatriLususNaturae — Wed, 26 Sep 2007 06:58:52 PDT

I LOVE YOU ALL.
COMMENT ME.
whee.

capital kind of strain

~PatriLususNaturae — Sun, 23 Sep 2007 00:19:15 PDT

"I love you" is a bullet
cocked, and cold, and ready-
and I am the trigger,
I am the hand

you're the knight the dirty knight

~PatriLususNaturae — Thu, 23 Aug 2007 16:55:58 PDT

I need to escape.
He's coming back.
He's coming back.
Things are breaking apart.
I need to run.
I want to run.
I need to run away.

guess not much has changed

~PatriLususNaturae — Thu, 16 Aug 2007 21:05:16 PDT

I'm getting ready to go to sleep. I'm just posting in here so that some of you guys who seriously pay attention to this journal instead of reading my not-so-secret-anymore one won't develop a complex or apoplexy or something on me.
I'm in school, have been nearly a week now, it's fine, I have five classes, two with Christina.
Not much else, except I have The Back Room and Broken Boy Soldiers.
Yay.
I'm so fucking sleepy.
Too much in my heart to talk.
Hurting, but also feeling introspective: expect poetry in the coming days, because renaissance month is approaching and I always post a lot during the month of my yearly renaissance (No, I don't mean the Renaissance festivals or whatever).
Okay. Good night.

Updates

~PatriLususNaturae — Wed, 08 Aug 2007 09:45:47 PDT

News:

*Starting the twelfth grade on Friday.
*New photos ("Open Your Arms" shoot, 8.7.07)
*New signature.
*I did it again. Don't ask.
* 3 takers for the poetry commission project. 7 more to go.

~ End News ~

Messages:

Messages are listed according to deviant's known last name.

Boo.
Pop rocks.
Busy much lately? Great job, Peeps.
You're coming over today, isn't that nice?
I'm sorry.
I still say name the guitar Dante. And thank you for favoriting 'shadow masks'. It was a nice idea, in my opinion.

~ End Messages

Accepting Commissions of Sorts!

~PatriLususNaturae — Sun, 05 Aug 2007 20:29:39 PDT

After the minor success of my poem for Taru ("Godiva Liplock and the Ghirardelli Snog", listed as 'see description for title' [link] ) I've decided to see if someone else can inspire me as much as Taru did.
So, people of DA, I have a proposition for you! (sadly it does not involve us in a room with straps and things! ROFL maybe next time.) How about I write a poem for you?
If you're interested, just comment me or note me about it, and I'll see about it.
Maybe we'll even somehow turn this into a contest! Iono. Either way you'll get a poem written for you.
ONE THING YOU WILL NEED TO REMEMBER: IT COULD TAKE A VERY LONG TIME TO GET A POEM FINISHED FOR YOU. BECAUSE A) I TAKE A WHILE IF I'M HAVING A BAD TIME OR I'M UNINSPIRED B) MY MOM IS UNPREDICTABLE ABOUT WHEN I CAN GET ON THE COMPUTER SO I DON'T KNOW WHEN I'D BE ABLE TO GIVE IT TO YOU C) I TEND TO BE REALLY MEAN TO MYSELF ,SO IF I THINK THE POEM SUCKS I'LL TRASH IT BEFORE YOU EVEN SEE IT AND START OVER. 'KAY?

So if you think you can handle all of that, and only if, I might add- then hit me up! October is months away, and that's my peak month, so since it's August I'll likely be very into writing poetry for a while now. Especially since school's starting and I'll be sad a lot. LOL. Maybe.
OKAY! START YOUR REQUESTS!
By the way, anything goes, except sci-fi and breakup poems. To get a feel of the kind of poems I write, look in my gallery, comprende? Good.

NOTICE: By the way, unless you want to pay me, the poems are free. XD. That's why it says "commissions of sorts, Caleb. XD. If you want to compensate for the poem we'll work out some details, like a painting in exchange, or something like that-I'll try to outline it more in a new entry if you guys are interested enough (meaning about 10 people, say.)

And now for Madison's favorite part of my journals!

Messages:
NOTE:messages are addressed in alphabetical order by known last names.

I love your work. *YOU SHOULD ALL GO SEE HER GALLERY.*
How are you?
We must get the holey umbrellas!
Hang in there, my supreme nerd friend, you'll be out of the red zone eventually. ^ ^
Your new stuff is great.
They will see us waving from such great heights....
Do you still come on here?
Still wondering if I should bother to leave these...
(Wow, how ironic, ne?
MOMMY! LOL.

~ End of Messages I guess?~

and I don't ever want to feel like I did that

~PatriLususNaturae — Tue, 31 Jul 2007 09:26:11 PDT

My heartbeat slowed,
and then it stopped....

And then it beat once more.

I'm writing rhyming poetry, but what the hell. It might be of use to a certain metal god of mine. Helps to have friends in bands you know, they give you a place to put your crappy poetry to good use.
There are stirrings in the wings these days, and a very grand show seems promised. I can only hope it's the sort that calls for an encore.
(for those of you who aren't Caleb, I'm speaking in metaphor. XD Seems only he understands that I rarely ever speak literally when I talk like that.)

Relationship-wise....hell is winding tightly into itself instead of breaking loose, hence the "my heartbeat slowed, and then it stopped" thing, and basically I gave up on love completely yesterday only to have it come seeping straight through the cracks of the gate I stuck on my heart, and boom, they broke wide open.
I'm such a sucker. XD.
Love, ftw. I'll be in love forever, even if it's with only a memory.

Messages:
messages are listed in alphabetical order by deviant's first name, so don't get all ruffled about being low on the list.

You're an amazing artist, dude.
You're supposed to be home by now, where are you?????
Yes, I'm jealous.
Is there even a point in me leaving you a message?
You're amazing, too.
Hey, runt!
Did I make you happy, Mr. Metal God? Lel.

Lucas

~PatriLususNaturae — Thu, 19 Jul 2007 01:27:06 PDT

Luke

came

BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

He's alive.

and he's okay.

LUKE CAME BACK.

falling all around in cycles in circles

~PatriLususNaturae — Wed, 18 Jul 2007 04:05:46 PDT

If all is fair in love and war, then the Wicked Queen's mirror was a liar.

This morning I should be asleep. But I'm awake.
There are so many realizations hiding behind my eyelids and I'm waiting for a sign to let them go, and realize things.
Writing "such great h e i gh ts " made me think of Lyle in a deeper way than I'd like to anymore, and it struck a nerve. Not a painful one; the painfulness seems to have numbed over and faded into a dull aching that springs up when I'm not paying attention to things. But it struck this nerve in me, you know....just this "Oh..." kind of thing. I read over an email I remembered him sending me, and I started to write, and that's where the italicized lines in the poem come from- the email that he sent.
Because those were his hopes.
And they died young.

So did mine.

I wonder...if it was so easy for us to let each other go, then what does that say for our love?

My polish is chipping a little bit. I've yet to find nail polish that doesn't chip every time I take a damned bath.

(No, Caleb, that is not a good enough reason to stick solely to showering. I love showers, but sometimes they're just not optimal.)

I miss Caleb so much. I don't know when he'll not be grounded anymore.

Madisonnnn.... lel.

I'm sleepy, a little. I should probably go to bed. Yato will be online again in four hours and I'd like to be awake.

constantly consuming
conquer and devour

prince is princing.

~PatriLususNaturae — Sun, 15 Jul 2007 20:18:17 PDT

Jack Pierson is the best and gayest photographer ever...he's also a great charcoal artist and poet.
I have iridescent plum polish. Naturally I'm going to alternate it with black, like I do with everything. Tis beautiful.
I am having a very revealing summer. More information tomorrow, my mom and I are going to watch The Black Dahlia.
Other news, my mother gave me the most beautiful notebook to write poetry in, it's gorgeous, I wrote four poems already and she wrote one too. More information tomorrow.

conservatism/humanitarianism/stupid shit

~PatriLususNaturae — Thu, 12 Jul 2007 20:59:24 PDT

End the war on drugs!
It's not your choice if anybody does drugs or not, so fuck off!
Stop abortion!
I can't wait to see your daughter grow up to be a 30 year old grandma.
Gay people are going to hell!
Tell that to the priests.
The internet is full of pedophiles!
Why are you letting your fourteen and thirteen year olds have MySpace accounts in the first place?
Save the Earth!
Why, so the next millenium's generations can finish fucking it up?
You got any more lameass family/Christian/conservative values bullshit to throw at me?

mothers and lovers and lies

~PatriLususNaturae — Sat, 07 Jul 2007 06:02:20 PDT

Realizing that you've lost your mind is very weird. I thought you felt it, like a sudden snap, but it comes so quickly you don't realize you've done it till you look at the person you're spazzing on and whisper "I've lost my fucking mind, haven't I?" and he nods at you in stunned silence....
...but early morning with wet grass between the toes of your (badly in need of lotion, I know that, stop saying it Mom damn) bare feet and no sound but the pulse in your temples is a memory worth committing to. Learning to open your eyes when the wind is blowing too hard is easier than learning to shut your eyes when the carnage is too brutal. I found the reason that I fear his brother, I admit that I'm absolutely shitfaced frightened of the guy. He seems to kind of understand, at least as much as he can being as I didn't really tell him just what my stepfather does that would make someone similar to him frighten me out of my damned wits like that, enough to destroy eight months' bliss.
I wish I could take the three of them and sit outside in the early morning in the wet grass, and let them listen to what my head doesn't wrap around, what I run from. I wish that I'd taken up screenwriting and done my life's movie, played it on a projector for the three of them so I could watch understanding dawn on their beautiful faces and sink in, watch them realize that "This is one fucked-up kid...." and maybe then not be so afraid of me.
I would love to wake up one morning and suddenly be someone who doesn't destroy everyone in his path by falling in love with them of all things.
I wonder how Lyle would feel if he knew I'm afraid of him taking me back just as much as him walking away because seeing what I did to him firsthand (remember, I had the exact same thing happen to me weeks later?) makes me frightened I'll never stop.
Or if Caleb knew I'm afraid to let him come closer because I can't stop.
What does it take to stop doing something you've been doing so much longer than you knew you were doing it? I swear, people think drug and alcohol addiction is hard to quit. Try quitting something you've had damned near ironed into your genetic makeup, something you've had wired into your brain pattern.
Every day of my life I've been pushed away, watched the person I imitate the most (my mother) push away and destroy and hurt other people and be hurt and pushed away and destroyed again and again and again. Her sisters, too, and when I think of the three of them it's small wonder I hate women so....they're not very good examples of women at all, but of what every straight/bi man is afraid to love and what every child is afraid of turning into. I'm afraid of turning into them. But I am.
I don't want this to happen to me. I want to be open and honest and free and in love without the walls and boundaries and everything else that's cost me the happier moments in my life and that are costing me more of them now.
Caleb...I know you're probably wondering what you did wrong, and I have to tell you publicly so you'll get it: You've done nothing wrong.
Lyle, you did nothing wrong either.
I'm just turning into my mother and I don't know how to stop.

Hey Lyle.

~PatriLususNaturae — Wed, 04 Jul 2007 20:58:31 PDT

You
destroyed
me.

my mommy loves carousels

~PatriLususNaturae — Sat, 30 Jun 2007 21:25:13 PDT

I have never felt more betrayed
or lost
or angry
or futile
or at fault-
in my life

You betrayed me, just as he has, and still I sit with tears in my eyes wanting you to come back so that I can wipe your tears away
but who's supposed to wipe mine? who's supposed to heal my wounds?

How can you say that you trust me when you know that you're lying? You don't trust me at all. No one trusts me at all.
And that's my fault, isn't it? Isn't it? Isn't it?

And my mouse, my darling little mouse, he's going to suffer, because there is a hurt here that he is not a part of, and yet he is the one left to try and glue me back together after all is said and done- will I destroy him, too?

I am destruction.
I am destructive.
I am ruin.
I am ruined.
I love you. I love you. I love him. I love you.
I hate myself for hurting you and you hurt me just as much

but I love you both...I love you three....like there is sun in my chest
but you lie, you lie, I sing your praise, just like the Tool song
you wouldn't know, you don't listen to that!

WHY CAN NO ONE SEE THAT I AM TRYING?

run. you'll run.
I swear. It hurts me to type this. but if you run this time I'm not coming after you.
I'll love you for the rest of my life, but I will not come after you, because you will only run again, and I am tired

...now I know how Lyle felt
(I'm horrible after all)

's another day

~PatriLususNaturae — Tue, 26 Jun 2007 12:05:07 PDT

I'm terribly sleepy, I miss Lyle, and I'm ready to go home...
I'm not in North Carolina. As usual someone changed their minds, and the plans fell through, so basically I'm being toyed with, but on the bright side I'm having a fairly nice time learning to understand what love is really about through my experience with Lyle.
I've been writing a lot in my journal, but it's not this one naturally.
You are not one of the elite who know of this particular journal! Know why? Cos no one wants to read it.
So.
I'm okay other than these two kids.

Leaving

~PatriLususNaturae — Tue, 19 Jun 2007 21:10:08 PDT

Attention to All of My Friends and Contacts:

As of Wednesday, June 20th, I will be offline for at least one month (from around June 20th to July 31st and on through the first week of August) except for occasionally coming online to check my email. If you want to reach me, call my cell at 225-362-9061. ONLY CALL AFTER SEVEN P.M. EASTERN TIME FROM MONDAY-FRIDAY, AND ON SATURDAY AND SUNDAY YOU CAN CALL AT ANY TIME. If you would like to contact me using written letters, call and ask for my address. I'll see you guys in August.

Friday afternoon

~PatriLususNaturae — Fri, 15 Jun 2007 12:36:55 PDT

Afternoon, DA.
Most of you guys know about what's been going on. And some French-speaking person who came across my journal, doubtless, has deciphered what I did last night.
Well, I got my wish in a way. I did sleep. I kept sleeping. I slept for thirteen hours last night, nearly burned down my house, and slept some more. I slept more than I have all year, honestly.
And I dreamed. I dreamed, drifted, dreamed some more.
But of course, I woke up. At nearly 13h00 this noon. My legs are still weak, and my hand hurts. Walking feels like dragging cement blocks on Jell-O stilts or something equally bizarre, and I'm actually really sleepy still.
I think I'm done with crying, though. That much, at least, has stopped, for no reason other than because I've said most of my life, crying doesn't bring back the dead, and it isn't going to bring back the loved either.
I didn't make a New Year's resolution this year. I guess something or someone must have known about this, and decided to save my resolution for sometime when I'd need it.
It took losing my best friend in a car crash last year to bring me back into the world of friends. And now, it seems, learning to stop pushing people away took pushing someone I loved too far.
So...I want to be done with it. With pushing people away.
How does one stop doing that? How do you stop expecting the sky to fall because you spot a rainbow?
Can I change?

Time to let go.

~PatriLususNaturae — Thu, 14 Jun 2007 23:33:10 PDT

All right.
To let you all know.
Lyle and I are over. So I will be insufferably emotional for some time.
Someday, though, I will look back and be able to say that I loved someone so amazing and wonderful, and the memories won't hurt.
Someday he'll realize that I did what I did because I loved him and wanted him to be happy. Someday he will be.

Who knows. Maybe he'll come back. If it was meant to be, he will come back someday, and I'll be ready.
But right now I just need to heal.
And to those of you who want to, help him heal too. His page is . Get his email address and try to help him through what he's enduring.

and Lyle, if you're reading this....I know you're strong enough to pull through. You will, and hopefully someday we'll see each other again.

So begins the process of healing.

later on

~PatriLususNaturae — Thu, 14 Jun 2007 20:02:05 PDT

I had a dream while I slept.
In it he was there, and I don't know what happened but he was upset so I hugged him tight to me. And after a few minutes his status message changed. It said Epiphani... I love you" .
I woke up at that moment to find that he left messages.
I think he's off now, but I'm waiting.

Strange things.

Redo

~PatriLususNaturae — Thu, 14 Jun 2007 17:01:55 PDT

[Entry Terminated Due to Excessive Idiocy. See other entries for less stupidity.]

Lyle is gone.

a nightmare realized;

~PatriLususNaturae — Thu, 14 Jun 2007 16:16:46 PDT

Today is June 14th.
I made a fatal error.
Lyle is gone.
I want to bring him back.
But he doesn't even want to look at me.
I want him back in my arms. I want him to love me again. I want him to be my lilly again.
But I made a fatal error.
And I tried to backtrack but it was too late.

I want to keep pushing.
I want to beg.
I want to plead and cry and scream.

But all I can do is cry like the bitch I've finally become.

Lyle is gone.
Lyle is gone.
Lyle is gone.
I ruined everything and there's no more second chances for me to get it back.

Lyle....
at least know that I'm never going to stop wanting you back.

the worst night of my life

~PatriLususNaturae — Wed, 13 Jun 2007 22:43:14 PDT

NOTE TO EVERYONE ON DEVIANART:
THE PERSON WHOSE JOURNAL YOU ARE READING AND WHOSE DEVIATIONS AND JORUNALS YOU HAVE READ AND COMMENTED ON DOES NOT DESERVE THEM. PATRILUSUS NATURAE IS NOTHING BUT A LYING, CHEATING BASTARD AND YOU SHOULD IGNORE HER FROM NOW ON. SPIT ON HER IF YOU WANT TO.
ALL OF YOU, ESPECIALLY LYLE BLACKWELL, ARE BETTER OFF NOT KNOWING HER. OR HATING HER IF YOU LIKE.

the hardest fucking thing I will ever do in my entire life and it hurts so bad....it hurts so bad....
but it's all I deserve to feel after everything I did to him
and at least i wil sleep at night knowing that he will someday be so happy and content
and I hope one day i can stop crying long enough to realize that doing this was the best way to show him that I loved him.....that this was the most unselfish thing I could do for him and for his family.
and i feel so selfish for crying like this when I know it's nothing compared to how he's going to feel when he finds out. i don't even fucking deserve to cry.

They're all rid of me now and that's just something I'll have to learn to accept.

....Lyle.... please don't ever forget how much I love you or that I really am trying to do the best I can to be good to you, and that this seemed the best I could do. because I mean....I can't give you what so many other people can...I can't make you happy
and doing this is the only way i will ever make you happy

Fine.

~PatriLususNaturae — Wed, 13 Jun 2007 21:07:26 PDT

I'm so fucking sick of this shit.
If I'm such a horrible choice for him then what the fuck am I doing here? Why are you letting me stay with him then?

I guess that really is it then. If even he said I'm shit then fuck, I must be.

To Lyle, Yato and all my DA friends...

~PatriLususNaturae — Tue, 12 Jun 2007 16:30:43 PDT

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm to leave DeviantART for the summer.
I'd like you to meet the loves of my life first.
This is Lyle. He's very tender, very soft and cuddly. He's also sensitive, and like coming home to sunshine after many, many days of darkness. If you ever saw the signature I had months ago where I mentioned that "he's like a breath of air after a lifetime not knowing I could breathe", that was Lyle. He's bright and warm and open and fresh, and he should be treated like the prince he is. So if you visit his page, be nice or I'll fucking kill you. Simple as that.
Lyle has been with me through a lot of awful shit. Really, really awful shit. I put him through so much, and all he's ever done is be a comfort to me, a source of unconditional love and so much hidden passion, more than you would ever expect a human being is capable of. He's the strongest and most passionate boy I've ever met and I love him deeply. I want to be with him for the rest of my sorry-ass life.

And this. This is Yato, my girlfriend. Gaara to you. (You are not allowed to call her Yato.)
Yato....how do I describe her?
Yato is what happens when you take spitting demons and mate them with...bunnies, or something. Fierce, wild, mean. Cruel. But oh so sweet and loving, if you ever make it past her thorns (you probably won't). She's one of those rare kinds of people: a total fucking bitch if you've just met her, but she's a perfect angel to the people she loves.
But don't call her that.
She'll twist your balls off.
XD
You're never going to see her cry, or even sniffle. She's a little badass. I'm serious....she'd just as soon shove her katana through your forehead as kiss you goodnight, and probably do both at the same time. Yato's a cruel little hellion.

I love these two with all my heart, and will continue to love them throughout the rest of my years. Between them they've shown me and are continuing to show me what it really is like to be loved, to be happy...to be content.
Tiggy & Bella:
I don't really care what your views are on polygamy, on homosexuality, on interracial dating. They make me happy and that's what matters to me. I can only hope I make them as happy as they make me, as warm and alive and as bright and brilliant as they make me inside and out.

I'd just like the people that care about me and them to do this for me while I'm gone for the summer...protect my loves for me, please. Take care to make sure they're not in distress, and if they post a journal, please read it and try to help them through whatever they're experiencing as best as you can. I know you don't know them well, or me either, but please. They're all I have, and I need them to be happy and well-cared for.
Thank you very much.
Tiggy, Bella, Hubby/Danna loves you so fucking much....I swear, I'm coming back. I'll write you both all summer long.
(lily you might even get another little letter.)

I love you two. I love you so.

[From Epiphani to Lyle and Yato, ex. friends on DA, June 12th, 2007-sometime in July or August]

It's official; DeviantART sucks

~PatriLususNaturae — Mon, 11 Jun 2007 00:49:12 PDT

as a community feedback center.
As already pointed out, millions of Deviants every day sit there and churn for days, weeks, months, years- or just minutes - to produce these amazing pieces for us to read and view and comment, and they're almost always amazing- like 's poetry.

But these incredible mindfucking poets and artists are totally overlooked and uncommented or undercommented/favorited/viewed in favor of shitty anime drawings and fanfics and crappy nudes that fit more under pornography (not that I have anything against porn, yay porn) than art, and while we're all sitting here expecting the poem/story/photo/painting/drawing etc. that we know is great even by our own self-deprecating standards, we come back the next day to find that not only are there no comments, there are no views or anything!
And in the same breath you look at the Popular list to see yet another stupid anime drawing or lameass fanfiction piece that these idiots stole the characters and plots and shit from other artists they don't even know who spent time just like the rest of us did making this art and they are the ones getting credit! For shit they didn't even come up with the idea for-they just tweaked someone else's!

DeviantART all in all should just be another fucking oekaki/porn site or something, because nobody else who's worth all those comments and favorites and DD's is getting any fucking feedback at all.

Like:

and a hell of a lot of others including myself.

From now on I'm going to start using my journals to post the icons of artists I think deserve some fucking attention. It's time somebody bothered about them for once. And no one reads my damned journal anyway so I may as well put it to good use.

here in this house

~PatriLususNaturae — Wed, 06 Jun 2007 19:18:43 PDT

I can do nothing right.

I'm really sick of this.

~PatriLususNaturae — Wed, 06 Jun 2007 12:45:46 PDT

I hate "thanks for the fave" comments.
Don't bother thanking me. I'm glad you're grateful but I like getting comments and seeing my inbox full of comments only to find out 70% just say "Thanks for the fave!!" pisses me off.
So does the fact that nine times out of ten when I have a really large number of messages on here 60% are journal entries. Like I'll have 30 comments and 20-25 of them will be journals.
That makes me mad.
I dunno. If you read my gallery stats the last time I checked it said I gave 14 comments for every 1 I received. Ever since I joined here it's been like that.
I guess what I'm saying is I feel un-something. Unappreciated, unnoticed, something like that.
And I hate monosyllabic comments ( "Yep", "Okay" "Sure" "Nope" "Thanks", etc.).
Also the fact that a lot of the time when I post a really great poem no one comments it but if I post a mediocre piece of shit everybody's all like "OMG I LOVE THIS". Ohhh that reminds me-I also hate that most of the comments on my deviations are ME REPLYING to other people's comments.
WTF.
I've been on here two years now. Almost three. Is it that I haven't gotten any better or do people just ignore me?
If it sounds like I'm bugging for attention, guess what? I AM. I'm sick of not being noticed. If I submit something here it means I wanted someone to see my work and either tell me it sucks or tell me that they like it and why.
Something other than "Nice!" or "Great" or "Meh" or some shit. Give me a real comment. You're supposed to be intelligent artists so why can you not form a better sentence than "Nice!"??????
Damn.
But thanks to the people who are not guilty of what I just ranted about.

Lyle.

~PatriLususNaturae — Mon, 04 Jun 2007 22:18:19 PDT

It is June 5th and I feel like a poet; my hands are trembling with the poetry I've just written, my body humming with tones of honey and whipped dreams. I want to kiss the next beautiful stranger, imagine he is Lyle, and plunge my tongue into his soul to taste the life inside it. I feel like pressing my body against my Lyle's, letting the soft curves and the hard turns meld into one another, finding myself in himself and kissing his beautiful mouth so he'll taste the poetry.
I want to touch him. Just enough to make his breath catch in his throat and curl his toes.
He has such sweet feet, two sizes smaller than mine in long socks.

Lyle is poetry.

So much poetry.

Every time I see him, I write poetry. I am taking himself and putting it on paper to holda against my heart, and each time you read it, each time I speak it, you make him live long in my mind, and I make him live long in my heart.

Lyle, my love, you are timeless.

i dont know

~PatriLususNaturae — Mon, 04 Jun 2007 12:15:19 PDT

my mind is going at some kind of speed so fast i can't hear any thoughts and nothing i'm saying or writing is making any sense i think maybe i might be finally going insane at least for a day or two and probably somewhere in my head i'm afraid of it but hell it would have happened sometime but this is probably hopefully only a day thing i can't tell him what it means i can't tell her what i think i don't remember what it meant

and i wish i cared
i wish i cared
i wish i cared
i wish i cared

i am imbalanced you know i swing from cruel to simpering to hilarious to hysterical to paranoid to somber to pensive to seductive to silent to suicidal to homicidal to infuriated to euphoric and so on without any warning any cause any cure

i love myself that way but

my deepest fear
is that no one especially not who i love so hard will be able to tolerate it
to suffer through it
to hold my hand while i swing on this coaster that is my mind dot dot dot
i want so bad for someone to hold my hand
to squeeze me and tell me they'll hold on with me
they'll ride this roller coaster with me
they'll stay

but who can handle something so beyond normal?

after all you're all only human parentheses and vampire parentheses
what will i wake up to when i leave home question mark will i awaken tangled in sheets on a sofa in some little house with roaches and horseflies question mark

who will remember me question mark
and who will know i was there?

why am i so paranoid?

why am i so afraid?

why do i push you away so hard?

why do i hurt you so much?

why do i put you through so much?

why do i say these things?

why am i who i am and who is that?

why am i so scared?

why do i feel so alone?

why do i make myself the victim?

why am i such a hypocrite?

why am I cruel?

why do I hate myself so much well i can answer that one

well as usual my mother wants this laptop at at time when i need so finish this later