http://search.deviantart.com/?q=by:Rage-Cycle&section=today deviantART RSS for by:Rage-Cycle en-us Copyright 2009, deviantART.com Fri, 04 Dec 2009 14:40:38 PST deviantART.com http://blogs.law.harvard.edu/tech/rss http://s.deviantart.com/minish/widgets/apple-touch-icon-precomposed.png http://Rage-Cycle.deviantart.com/journal/20391674/ http://Rage-Cycle.deviantart.com/journal/20391674/ Mon, 08 Sep 2008 13:39:19 PDT
"that also has already happend"-Number2

"shit"- Dr Evil


UGH. that almost sums up the whole of how i am feeling. I will never understand why the human condition is always balance of negative and positive. Good and evil. right and wrong.

I say that because it seems as though for every good in my life there must an evil that is begotten of it. I a few months ago had my car eat itself through no real fault of my own just one of those things that happens. And it takes forever to get it resolved through the insurance company. why? oh take a guess. THEY made an error and i paid for it.

Took damn near two months to get the whole thing settled but supposedly i get my car back within the next few days. Here is where the balance comes in. I fought hard and long with a company that could affrod to replace my car a hundred times over and not blink in financial pain. And when i finnaly do get them to remunerate what they owe me......Yup yo guessed it....someone else wants money or the car will be taken from me.

And who swoops to the supposed rescue??!! none other than the woman who shattered what passed for my soul. ( hi ) She offers to give me help and it was utterly unexpected...but do i want to accept it....this is the one person on the planet...well one of two...that has the power to make or break me on their whim..i wish i could say i thought her help would be freely offered and nothing ill would come of it...but the truth is i have no faith i once thought giving her my heart my soul and my body and all that come with it would end well....HAH...i have no other word than that for it.

I guess i am just confused. i Save a man from massive amounts of pain and disfigurement ( burning rubber go splash ) and my reward? LMAO i honestly find this amusing....pain and disfigurement. thought not int he way he would have sufered it. He would have got a face and chest full of flaming rubber that would have ended his good looks. I got a tattoo that will paoin me for a few weeks and then will be FRIGGIN AWESOME!! ( pics to follow )

It just seems to me that life has accumulated a balance and in the grand sceheme of things i am to be the one who is eternally chasing the star thaty will never quite come into veiw.

For what it's worth i know what i want and i know what i need. but as would be the balance for the man who i given those rare gifts....it is the thing i cannot have nor can figure how to be happy without.

in closing true beleivers....Count the blessings stack the curses because perhaps one day...maybe....just maybe....the time to rumerate will come and you will come out on top......me...i'll see you in the pit of those who despite the effor were not enough.

]]> ~Rage-Cycle http://Rage-Cycle.deviantart.com/journal/19991489/ http://Rage-Cycle.deviantart.com/journal/19991489/ Sat, 16 Aug 2008 17:10:18 PDT

It's been a while folks. So hullo and happy to have ya readin again. I wish i could report all sunshine and puppy dogs...but as the cycle of human exsistance deamnds nothing goes as all should.

Anyone who has read my journal before knows i am a sailor in the unisted states navy. Beyond that i can tell you nothing about the specifics beyond a very very vague picture.

My car ate itself a few weeks ago and my last hope after seemed to have set itself ablaze just to spite me a shiney silver ray showed itself and hoping my insurance will cover it.

As for me myself as a person and as a human. I find i ma sorely lacking. The strength i gained from ilitary traning seems to be slowly ebbing away draning me of energy and drive. I am doing well so i have to admit i am confused. how can i be doing so well and at the same time be slowly fading. Am i just over worked? under sleeping?

I don't know. I am keeping up my dailey routine and good humor but under it i feel i am slipping away form who i am. and that is my problem i REFUSE utterly and totaly to give up who i am. nothing is worth that. I am only the sum of who i have come to be and i will trade nothing for it. If The woman i once loved were to show up tommrow asking to be taken back and tell me she was willing to do all i ever wanted of her i would not take it if it meant giving up who i was. Does that make sense to anyone?

Why do i keep asking questions on here? no one has ever responded to anything i ask on here.

Suffice it to say folks. I am giving it my all. Trying my best. Giving it the old heave Ho and driving all my ebergy against a brick wall that seems to be immovable. But that does not mean i will stop..:::Sigh::: unfourtunatly part of who i am is a person that will throw himself all at one goal until it kills him or said goal is attained.

]]> ~Rage-Cycle http://Rage-Cycle.deviantart.com/journal/18062834/ http://Rage-Cycle.deviantart.com/journal/18062834/ Sun, 27 Apr 2008 21:42:28 PDT

Well i did'nt imagine my next entry would be this soon but i can't sleep and i got nothing better to do.

I think thats a big part of my problem right now with not being able to sleep the last few days. I have'nt done anything besides go to class come back and sit and wait for the day to be more or less over. Had this problem a while back to. Got really frustrated and angry when i would just sit there all weekend for lack of any money to go do something or if i actually had money company. ( Never liked going out and doing anything on my own i like to have company along for the fun )

And thats what i have done now for the last two weeks. Nothing. WHile it is far more relaxing to be here than it is in TSC It's alot more time on my hands that i have not a blessed thing to do with. Can only spend so many hours of the day BSin on the phone with the same people you talked to a few days ago and thats obvisouly a quickly degenerating amount of time you spend on the phone each day.

And then my finances are getting REALLY!! bad tot he extent i am in real danger of being booted from the submarine force and potentially the Navy. Been kinda stressin about that lately...well should'nt say sorta been really stressin over that. Of course the banks wont loan me money cause i owe money. the FFSC is'nt willing to help my situation my parents can't do much of anythign really and the only other person i know with the financial ability to help has his own bills.

So yeah really friggin stressed out. Hell i even noticed today that i have ALOT mor grey in my hair than i did even just 5 months ago. Think the stress might be getting to me a lil bit. Trying to stay positive and it;s working for the most part i still have loads of laughs all day long in class when we have downtime. I still laugh at good jokes and all that just when i have nothing to occupy my immediate attention my mind start to wander towards the stressing factors and i get kinda tense.

anyway enough of putting my thoughts into words heh i think there are only even three possibly four peopl who read this anyway. It's mostly for me anyway somethign i cna look back on when feeling nostalgic and remeber that time in my life.

Anyway fellas gonan make an attempt at the sandmans job. Best of wishes to you all.

]]> ~Rage-Cycle http://Rage-Cycle.deviantart.com/journal/17962743/ http://Rage-Cycle.deviantart.com/journal/17962743/ Mon, 21 Apr 2008 16:19:47 PDT


Ahhh so good to be back here again really truely feels like it has been nearly an age. BUt i am back at least for the time being. Well since my last entry months ago i got out of THU. Finished my A-School and am now taking my C-School.

Life is right now a wonderful thing. NOw that i am out of great lakes i am a ae that is by far more relaxed. I am sleeping in a real bed. I am getting a signifigant amount of time each day ( 4-5 ) hours instead of maybe one or two a day like i was previsouly.

I have actually been made class leader for my group and it's working out beautifuly. Feels good to be doing something again rather than just sitting and waiting for the next session of training. And here i even kinda look forward to the training you geta good laughs some good info and a lil bit of hands on.

As for me myself on the personal level. Well in all honesty not much has changed. I still love a good laugh i still have the motivation and drive The Navy taught me. BUt now that i do have a lil free time feelin a lil lonely as well. noea sure why i'm not pining away for some buxom blonde served on a hot plate of money. But it would be nice for a little companionship of the opposite sex.

As cool as it is to be able to mess around with the guys all day after about 5 months of that you start to just say to yerself " i miss boobs" which is not entirely untrue LOL god do i miss boobs. Ithink what i really want is to be able to go out and have some good laughs with not an entirely male crowd. I am concinced this place is cursed every chick half worth talking to is either 16 and had her dad drop her off to the mall and of course he wil be a 4 star admiral and thats besie the fact shes only 16. Or they are so god awfully bitchy you want to strangle them with whatever happens to be handy. I swear sometimes i think at a random stage in a womans life she snaps her Bra on the wrong way once and it triggers a hulkish transformation that can only be appeased with mass quantities of chocolate...or your intestines stuck in their teeth.

Anyway gotta go doe a few hias just one here for a quick hop to make myself known again. for those of you who actualy read this YO for those of you who never read this..well...hell Semper Fortis to ya pal

]]> ~Rage-Cycle http://Rage-Cycle.deviantart.com/journal/16690673/ http://Rage-Cycle.deviantart.com/journal/16690673/ Sat, 02 Feb 2008 12:53:13 PST

Ahhhh free at last form the nightmare that was basic training in great lakes illinois. a LONG process i know it was only actually two months but holy crap it feels so much longer than that when you are constantly worried about being ITed and Made to do bunk drills for hours on end. which by the way is never endingly irritating. It consists of stripping your wrack. PUtting your sheets back on perfectly. then do it again till Petty Officer gets bored.


but on the other hand i learned a hell of alot of discipline and drive. I am more or less the same person i was going into basic traning only more motivated and driven to accomplish whatever it is my black little heart desires at teh time. and hey i get to use pirate sayings now and noone can argue so avast ye swabbies. hehe god i love it.

Got put in THU though cause of pnuemonia. Temporary holding unit for you civilians. Until i get another CT scan on my chest and it's all clean and cleared out i'll be here but once that is done i can go over to my A scool where i can finally put on comfy clothes and have a cell phone agin as well as a laptop of my own rather than paying ten cents a minute to be on here. It really is expensive to be here. doing laundry pressing uniforms spending a lil time online or on the phone damned near everythiong costs a small fourtune.

But on the other hand you don;t really pay much in the way of food or rent or shit like that unless you already have bills when you came in here which of course i did. So Am making arrangments one by one to start paying them down cause i never really have much time to spare. and by the time they call liberty most days the banks and whatnot are closed.

Anyway this was only a brief update to kinda make everyone aware i am back again and able to check this crap from time to time. hopefully in about a month i will be here on a daily basis and get more involved. until then my friends Semper Fortis and hooyah

]]> ~Rage-Cycle http://Rage-Cycle.deviantart.com/journal/15428683/ http://Rage-Cycle.deviantart.com/journal/15428683/ Fri, 09 Nov 2007 01:59:19 PST

Well folks this will prolly be my last journal entry until i get back from bootcamp. And even then not sure how long it will be after i get out i will be able to get back here.

Anyway one with the occurences. I Am nervous as hell bout going to boot camp. not really sure what ti will really be like and i still can;t run worth a damn no matter how often i get out and run a while at about a mile or so i end up with a severe cramp in my side and can't run anymore case it feels like someone is stabbing me in my side.

Goona take this weekend and pack up EVERYTHING except enough clothes to last a week and my computer that will be the last thing i do most likely on the 17th or very early on the 18th.

i've got about a DOZEn places that keep calling me demanding moneyu i simply do not have really wearing me thin cause i know even after boot camp i am not gonna have the amounts they are demanding. So no idea what the hell i am gonna do.

Got alot weighing on my mind. in alot of ways i feel like this is kinda the end of my life as it was. When and if i see most of the people i talk to regurly now i dont think i will be the same person i was when i left them. Kinda neat but at the same time very scarey it mean a large portion of my life needs to either be settled now or just be left hanging for all eternity.

Amongst those things are the freinds i have here. Anthony jason gary kristen and a frew others. Also ther is amber. I feel i know what is going to happen there. I am going to try and call her in a few hours on her way home and ask if we can just get some lunch or something and she will most likely tell me no and that will be the end of us forever and permanently cause i am not going to try and kindle a friendship with her when i do not live here. But it would be nice i think to be able to BS with her online or on the phone once in a while and whenever i can get back here maybe chill with her a day or two.

Most likely gonna end up spending all of today with my son. Been a long time since i seen him for more than a few hours. Looking forward to it if i had the gas i would prolly make a ton of runnin around and show him off to a few choice people.

Anyway as i mentioned in my previous journal i am about to finish up a VERY long post about everyone and everythig making any and all of my feelings known towards them. again i give you all the same warning.

This will tell you EVERYTHING i felt about situation we have been through. no holding back and no sugar coating it where i might have before.

]]> ~Rage-Cycle http://Rage-Cycle.deviantart.com/journal/15293868/ http://Rage-Cycle.deviantart.com/journal/15293868/ Tue, 30 Oct 2007 21:35:08 PDT

Kinda words to live by for me for the next 3 weeks or so. am MAJORLY broke. i owe the bank a great deal of money and have no way of paying it back at all before i get out of boot camp. REALLY sucks.

Means my weeks of "vacation" i had planned went straight to hell. Any day now my cell phone is gonne be cut of fcause the bank turned downt he last scheduled payment which means i have no way to get ahold of anyone soon.

My gas tank is nearly empty and i have ONE pack of smokes left. Granted i need to quit smoking preferably before bootcamp. but hell it's gonna be hard when ya don;t have any cigarettes. no gas to go out anywhere and no money to even just go out for a beer. i realyl wanted to do that at least once or twice more with my friends. just go get a few beers bullshit and laugh and just generally have a good time. not lookin like it;s gonna happen.

not sure what to do with my time anymore. My best friend has his own apartment now. so i tend to spend alot of time there it only to get out of my room for a few hours a day. and oh my god i can't tell you how nice it is to just be able to watch smallville and heros again without being in my dads room.

there are alot of things i really really really wanted to do before i left and it looks like none of them are gonna happen. well at least the vast majority of what i was hoping for is not going to happen. I think my bud and me will end up hanging out plenty since i am half living at his place. My dad and i will still do something and i still plan to spend a day with my son. But things like jumping into my car and heading to see my mom and sisters is not gonna happen. was hoping to go see a few other friends i had not seen in a while as well. but again being utterly broke is killing me and my time here.

Kinda wanted to try and Give amber a call and try to just have a friendly lunch or something like that with her. I serisouly doubted she would have accepted but still would like to have tried. Guess i kinda wanted to see if we could even do that. Just meet once in a great while and laugha nd bullshit. Still bugs me in a few ways that we spent so much time together had so many great moments and it still somehow ended like this. I am long over her but i guess there is always that aprt of people that wants to know that two people who once shared a deep love could at least share a meal. if that makes sense.

But as well now i plan to write a HUGE thing i have been meaning to write for about amonth now. laying bare my feelings about everyone and everything. started working on it a few weeks ago but kinda lost track of it between helping my buddy move watching some new series and catching avatar once a week as well as hanging with some of my other friends.

But a fair warning to all of you who might read it now. i lay EVERYTHING out. no hlding back no sprinklin it with sugar and no takin it easy. if you do not want to know what i feel and think of you or the situations we;ve been through DO NOT READ IT!!

Anyway, am feeling the urge to sit down and read for a while so will whip out a book and get to do that.

]]> ~Rage-Cycle http://Rage-Cycle.deviantart.com/journal/14947816/ http://Rage-Cycle.deviantart.com/journal/14947816/ Sat, 06 Oct 2007 22:07:11 PDT

I am torn for the first time when it comes to this. I have never before really been split equally down the middle. I grow weary of things even my patince is running out with aspects of my life. I am not sure what else to do. Am at a bit of a loss as to what my next steps should be.


So many things. My finances have gone into meltdown. Beond my ability to fix thus i am going to let them go. what else can i do but let them take what little i have managed to accumulate at this point?

My friends. I see them so rarely. And when i do see them i always want to talk to them about what's on my mind and they are sick of hearing about the same old things. so i kind of wonder. Was i wrong? Should i have just done as i always did and keep it bottled inside? let it fester and rot my soul? after all it harms no one but me if i do. And ever have i been one to take the pain unto myself rather than share it amongst those i care for.

There are so very few in my life i felt i could coonect with. Enjoy myself around. Just let loose and not hide who i was. One of them is gone and gone forever most likely because they are convinced i was utterly at fault and have no blame themselves. The others ( and yes there is more than one ) Have to much going on with their lives. I have no right to interject anymore worryt or concern amongst them.

I don;t want to be a burden to anyone anymore. I don;t want to struggle just to survive. Fiancialy or emotionaly anymore. I am just about ready to stop caring altogether. Not about others...for there my strength has always lain. it has always been in others i found my own strength. My want to help them. Listen to them. be with them. but me...in my own heart and mind...i am insignifigant. Perhaps that is my problem. I gave so much to others and rarely thought of myself that i am burned out. i don't care anymore about what it could have been.

Anyway i know this makes no sense. thes journals are written for me and me alone to know my thoughts at the time and recall in a way i will not b able to grasp tommrow what i knew now but will nothave resolved myself to then.

Anyway. Not sure how else to word things. As i said these are mostly for me at a later date. but i do have one thing to say and the one it is meant for will understand.

STOP READING MY JOURNALS AND GOING IN MY ROOM. IF I EVER GET THE SMALLEST EVIDENCE IT WAS YOU. YOUR GOING TO JAIL!!

]]> ~Rage-Cycle http://Rage-Cycle.deviantart.com/journal/14553427/ http://Rage-Cycle.deviantart.com/journal/14553427/ Sat, 08 Sep 2007 23:21:10 PDT

Gods what a long damned month it's been. So many things were going right and then as would seem to be my and so many others lots in life it all came tumbling down.

Well i got into DEEP finacial shit in early august but My step father pulled my ass outta the fire ont hat one along with my bud and my real father. So all was well for a week or so. Then my vacation just dragged on i swear i did NOTHING on my vacation. not one damned thing. Not cause i did;nt have the money but rather cause i lacked anyone to do anything with so i ended up getting drunk most nights just to make them easier to bear.

Spent alot of time on here though i really only browsed. Wrote a poem or two that sorta thing. Oh and speaking of on here since i know no other way to contact her. Amber yes i checked your damned Devart page nearly everyday for a week or two in the small hopes you would have posted something interesting I am not account stalking you miss go in and change someone elses account.

Anyway yeah i thought i was all caught up in my bills. Turns out my insurance didn't pay a rather large portion of my dental bill so suddenly i owe another 700$ that just about what i managed to pay off on other various bills when i got that infusion of money from people. So i am right back where i started a month ago as far as finances.

Anyway as per the title of this journal my friend Adam leaves for bootcamp in the morning. Gonna miss him was always fun to hang with. IN another way i am jealous of him cause he's out there getting started on his Navy career while i am still stuck here hoping to get reclassified and still working the same damned job i can barely stand anymore. SOOOOO looking forward to leaving.

Yeah i guess i am just getting lonely again. I mean it's not like i do abouslutly nothing ever hell i just spent like 4 hours on battlefield 1942 with some buds from work. It's just i wanna be out and about doing things going places hanging out with people in person. But really the only people who wanna hang out with me more than once in a while are mostly people i can't stand for very long.

Anyway not meaning to sound depressing or upset i really don;t wanna be that way just right now i feel very alone. And it really does'nt help when i am like this there are so few people that can make me feel better < that i know of > One is to busy hating my guts,one is just to busy with his life in general and works long hours, and the last one doesn't really have the time either. I dunno would just be great if once in a while one of these people would take more than just a short stint to hang with me. Serisouly running out of things to come up with that might be applealing to them.

Anyway i was supposed to be in bed hours ago cause i gotta work early in the AM so it's off to shower shave and call it a night.

]]> ~Rage-Cycle http://Rage-Cycle.deviantart.com/journal/14188691/ http://Rage-Cycle.deviantart.com/journal/14188691/ Wed, 15 Aug 2007 23:45:29 PDT

So here i sit AGAIN. Pouring another drink getting a little dumber and hopefully a little number. I think int he last two weeks something has gone severly wrong in or with me. I am under threat of being kicked out. The only person i get to spend any kinda real time with is leaving for the navy in three weeks. I have spent my entire vacation in an endless pursuit of non-boredom and monatiny.

I think thus far the highlight of my week was getting a hot girls number. Well of course i call a few times and get no anwer then i finnaly do and it's "don't call me again". Marvelous huh? I was excited for a day or two cause i for once had gotten a girls number and would'nt ya know it she just skipped the whole sexual and friendly parts of the relationship and goes straight for the kill.

Meh getting nowhere with my reclassification in the Navy. Every time i get an updae it's cause they want another damn bit of info or some form filled out or some other way to prove my eyes are fine if i get contacts. And i am pretty sure i am gonna Kill my Petty Officer if he does;nt get off his ass and get something done for me.

I found a new way to try and run a game on my PC today that i swore should have worked. course it does'nt not on MY system. Works on jans computer dads desktop or laptop but my system? Oh hell no that would have given me an enjoyable way to pass the next week.

Bah so i went back to old reliable Mr Jack Daniels. I can't decide if he is my friend or ambers LOL. Everytime i drink i feel better for a while thinking on whatever catches my attention i even laugh and mean it while drunk. been a LONG time since i really felt a laugh when not drunk. OH sure me and my bud laugh now and again but it feels more like a reaction like a sneeze or a cough not something done and enjoyed. make sense? Anyway i always inevitably think of amber and wind up somewhere private crying over her for a while. I miss her so much. I hate to sound sappy and sentimental but i miss being free to go over and snuggle anytime i wanted. Miss frying as she would nuggle up to me under the covers. Miss that speeded beat of my heart when she would turn to the side and the light caught in her eye.

I still love her in alot of ways. I do not kid myself i am not IN love with her. Once i was so very very in love. I have no doubt it was love true. A year later and i still feel it cut me as keenly as ever. Those feelings did not fade so much as devolve into a deep kinship. I would like to belive that as much as she enjoys the company of those she is in now and no matter how many times i hear she is doing with them the things that use to be just for us that somewhere deep down she has reserved something for just the two of us something she will never do again cause it was only special when it was done with me. I honestly doubt it the two or three things i considered to be this way she has already shattered those delusions by taking our mutual friend with her to do them.

ON a side note on that. I really wish she would leave me some damned options with him. She takes him to EVERY damn movie i would like to see with him to kings island, the zoo concerts, the gathering, out for a tattoo, i mean what the hell am i supposed to do to compare to that?? She did it all with him what the hell am i left with except the beyond pitiful "uhh how bout a beer and a game of pool while we listen to music that breaks our hearts?" Yanno....i should just leave him alone i have nothing to offer him that he is not getting from her or his beloved.

and on a side note of that. HOld onto it dude. HOld it for all your worth. don;t let ANYTHING get in the way you have no idea not even a clue how badly it will hurt when it is over forever and there is not the smallest hope left things will ever be even slightly restored. Please dude i need you to hold on if for no other reason i live vicarisouly through you in the love front.

Wow long on today huh folks? Blame jack not me. Anyway int he long short i think the only two rasons...WOO HOO there are two now nbot just my son. I thinkt he only trwo reasons i have'nt ended myself is my son and i am hoping to what few gods are not laughing at me that the navy will drill the love out of me and make me a souless machine incapable of anything but focus and discipline......shoulda joined the marines afterall.

I wish i had a way to give her a letter. I don't think it would make a diffrence. It;s nto a matter of it restoring a friendship it;s more a matter of being aloowed to speak...errrr write as it were to explain myself on some things. to ask questions in another. Mostly it would be to know not to hand it to her but to KNOW she read it. i think in some small way i could be satisfi... ]]> ~Rage-Cycle http://Rage-Cycle.deviantart.com/journal/14035437/ http://Rage-Cycle.deviantart.com/journal/14035437/ Sun, 05 Aug 2007 21:55:53 PDT


Have you ever gotten over pain then once that pain was gone you were going about your life and one day you literally trip over something that reminds you soooooo strongly of that pain again the wound rips itself open so instantly and violently you freeze where you stand and slowly come to realize the silence you are hearing is the sound of your soul crying out in pain?

ok well that came out a little more....poetic sounding than i meant it to.

Well lately there was an...incident i guess you oculd call it between me and my Ex. Something that REALLY upset and angered me. Somethingi honestly feel she owes me an apology for. BUT and here is the kicker folks. I've already forgiven her. what the hell is that?? WHY?! It's frustrating to not understand how someone who bears me so much malice should be so easily forgiven such a large transgression.

For the first day or two i was fuming heatedly ragingly mad at her. Even tried to have something done about it. Now though i just lament that things got so bad between us that she goes out of her way to do something like that. I tried for along time to make some sort of peace between us. In retrospect i did a terrible job of it but i did try.

And thus my friends is where the pain comes in. I ran across something today i had thought was missing. It's the one thing someone did not mamange to get out of my room that had to do with her. oh and PS if i ever find out who you are you SOB who took everything i had that had anything to do with amber i will break your hands. If your there and reading this at least return to me the pictures of us and the card she sent me for my B-day those things are precious to me in a way you cannot understand.

Anyway I ran across a letter i guess i would call it she stored on a burnable CD once upon a time along with some of my old poetry written for her in my room the ONLY thing you missed buddy was that CD. Anyway i read it and just sat stunned by the brute force with which her words struck me. It brought back to the forfront of my mind all that she had and does still mean to me.

I wish to the gods i knew some way to mend things between us just as far as friends. I know this sounds like an old tune from me. She will prolly think i am just trying to get back with her and my bud will prolly just think i am being obessed. But the truth is i felt something so strong with her as her friend and her lover. That connection is stillt here from my side despite how much she hates me now i still feel like i could tell her my deepest secrets.

I wish i had been this way two years ago. Able to talk openly about my feelings without being afraid of what she would think,. I was always afraid of saying something that would change her opinion of my so drastically or saying something that made her upset with me i never said anything never opened up. That i think was my ultimate mistake. I have always been terrible at expressing myself. Things almost always come out of my mouth a far cry from what i was trying to convey.

So my friends why? Why now? why when i am so close to getting a real start on a new and benefical life did this happen? I had more or less left her behind with only some regret that we did not part on good terms. Is maybe the knowing i am so close to starting my new life causing me to desire to set the wrong of my old life right as best i can?

I just don't know what to say. I don't know what to think. I want to talk to her. Apologize for so many things. Ask her reasons. I want to understand.

Oh gods please be merciful to me just this once. Let me forget again or give me the chance to make it right.

]]> ~Rage-Cycle http://Rage-Cycle.deviantart.com/journal/13880948/ http://Rage-Cycle.deviantart.com/journal/13880948/ Wed, 25 Jul 2007 22:57:32 PDT



ARGH!!!!!!!! what an aggravating day!!!!!

I swear i woke up today in the greatest mood. Just one of those days where you wake up with a spring in your step and a grin on your face. Well that all came crashing down.

Apparently Petty officer Rauen is not happy with me cause i have not memorized my entire DEP recreuit handbook. Fuck it;s only 50 pages of shit and TONS of details i thus far have only gotten my general orders sailors creed and ranks and rates down. he threw in my face "adam had this shit done in a month" well fuck that adam was handed thousands of dollars so he could quit his job and afford to lay back and have the time to memorize shit for hours a day. i work take care of my son spend hours fretting over my bills on which matter i am about to lose my car in the next month or two if i can;t figure something out. and NO ONE is helping me out. In fact i am still the one helping all of my friends. I am seriously about to crumble under the pressure. the only person trying to do much to help is a girl who i keep telling her i am not gonna be her man but keeps pressing on making me feel like if i refuse she is gonna end up mega depressed.

I know i shouldn't get so angry but gods i can't help it this shit just keeps happening and on the rare occasions where i try to do for myself help releive the stress. Something happens every damned time to prevent it. Tried to go out drinking with all my freinds and shave my head about a week ago. MY OWN FATHER WOULD'NT COME!!!!! the only person in fact that showed up outta the ten or so i invired was my bud.

ARGH i swear it's time like this i wish i had some one to talk to but the two people i really feel like i could talk to them have proved to many times in the past they are only gonna get angry with me if i tell them my feelings. So in truth i think i fucking give up on that shit.

I am so worked up right now i feel like i wanna scream but i can't do that cause well there are people int he house who will get pist at me. I have this extreme urge to call up my bud and ask himt o come over but i can't do that either cause he's gotta be up early.

Anyway i just felt i needed to vent somewhere somehow. don't really feel much better but oh well closest i am gonna get without a bottle of jack and a game of pool.

Oh and Amber. If you read this. in reguards to your last journal. What you said about me is completely wrong. And apparently what i said was taken out of context or lost in translation . I do not think with my dick wether you can see it or not why else would i be so hurt over you leaving me? That's all i have to say on that.

Anyway folks am gonna go take a walk and pray somewhere along the way from here and back i find a happy thought.

]]> ~Rage-Cycle http://Rage-Cycle.deviantart.com/journal/13840133/ http://Rage-Cycle.deviantart.com/journal/13840133/ Mon, 23 Jul 2007 00:17:30 PDT


Man i really hate some trips down memory lane.

Been feeling really nostalgic i guess would the the right term for it the last week or so. I think the more i was dwelling on the Wedding recently. The thoughts that soon what i consider everyday life will be vastly changed. Seeing all my family. Just kinda had a time released effect on me.


I realized i missed soooooo much of how things used to be. in ALOT of ways.

I guess my mother kinda sparked a sadness that i was "no longer her little boy" i have so many fond memories of us baking cookies and her letting me lay my head in her lap while she played with my hair while we watched a lil tv every afternoon. How she used to know just what to do if i came home upset. I really miss that expecially by comparison to the never ending rants i seem to get now that in no way shape or form make me feel any better make me feel like she actually wants to help. I feel kinda like she just wants to drivel out some granola crunching feel good about god bible qoute rather than deal with me as a person.

Seeing my sisters sparked a few memories nothing major. I was never really close with either of them. was always the oddball of the three LOL and in my family that is saying something. But at the same time I kinda miss mine and kerries yearly headbutting over the pumpkin bread. Mine and colleens tendency to sit around near X-mas and just sit int he room for HOURS and just chat about whatever. I can barely get either to answer the phone to save my life. Makes me kinda sad.

I miss my dad poking his head in my room for a few minuets everyday to see what i was up to or to ask me how my day at school was and occasionly invite me out to some random event like a movie or a game of bowling. I can't get him to come out for a few drinks and to cut my hair despite asking him a week early and emphasizing how important it was to me he be there.

I miss ambers way of doing that lil smile she always did. We had so many damn cute moments together a million and one lil whacky quirks that always made me smile and almost always would set us ready to giggle. And while i cannot say for certain what would happen if we were to be stuck in a room together for even five minuets. I miss being able to call her up when i hear a good joke or having company to the movies or i think most of all i miss having someone i truly honestly felt i could tell anything.

I miss my freinds from pensacola. I miss just sitting around and being able to grab the phone and say "i'm bored lets go to club zero" or "lets go to the mall" or hell one of my old favs "lets go see what emily has going on" I have some of my freinds numbers and yet...getting to actually speak to one of them is a fruitless effort. I leave endless messages and neer a call back. Kinda daunting to think they have cast me aside.

I think honestly i miss myself the most. I miss what each of these things always brought out in me. a sense of protectiona nd loving from my mother. A knowing my sisters would be there in those rare moments. The warmth Ambers smile and playfulness use to bring me. The approval and desire to be hung out with from my father. The feeling of belonging to a group of people just out to have fun. I miss each diffrent way i was amongst these people. I miss those sensations that making of new memories.

I know i carved my own headstone on some of those. I know in others i was simply looked at froma diffrent point of veiw. And others simply moved on to things that i was not so involved with. I am not depressed persay but i do feel a little lonely. I miss all these things. Like little bits of myself that fell off and i can't seem to get them to stick again.

Maybe i am just anxious over the Navy. Maybe i am just in need of a good party. who knows? I have not given up on trying to hang with my father. I still try to tell my mother things for comfort. I still would jump in that room with amber to see which way it went. I will keep trying to call my friends. And above all i will keep trying to find new bits of myself to keep from falling off cause there are still many i hold dear.


Wow trhis whole thing came out a lot more depressing than it was meant to be LMAO. But anyway folks i know some of you should be working others are just curious and some have me watched for some odd reason like i might spit out some poetry worth reading LMAO. Anyway peace out homies.

]]> ~Rage-Cycle http://Rage-Cycle.deviantart.com/journal/13686486/ http://Rage-Cycle.deviantart.com/journal/13686486/ Tue, 10 Jul 2007 18:39:06 PDT


Wow what a friggin week. I mean just holy crap. Work sucked major ass of course and Mike made it as hard as he possibly could for me to either catch my breath of be able to get to florida anything resembling on time. BUt on the other front we got a new girl who by the way is hot in a nerdy sort of way. Kinda like willow from buffy. And turns out of course she is a lesbian. So i lost out there but she's a good worker and fun to chat with so awesome on that score.


On the flip side i did make it to florida for my sisters wedding had a friggin AWESOME time at teh wedding itself the drive and stay at the house were kinda ok nothing special but nothing boring either. Was an usher in the wedding itself LOL just brought my step mother to her chair and sat down myself.

But once the ceremony was over which itself was fairly standard the party started and gods but someone was smiling on me that night cause it was a none stop riot. pictures are VERY soon to be posted in my gallery or whatever of some of the more memorable moments. Was just an awesome time and in the interest of keeping this entry less than 10 pages not gonna give all the details.

On the way home i saw a car flipped on the side of the road and it got me started thinking and what else did i have to do on the way home anyway? Felt very happy for my sister and adored seeing my family again but i started thinking that "wow i am the last one" not just to get married but to have kids to get a real career started to experience love get a social life that sorta thing and that started my mind down a fairly depressing path. Now don't get me wrong am not depressed at all. But alot of thing are weighing on my mind.

Would mine and ambers wedding have been like that? Will my family be there when/if i ever get married? Is my mother ever going to be happy that i am happy in who i am? Will my choice to go into the navy affect my chances at finding happiness int he long run or encourage it? I wish my bud could have come along or Amber.

Speaking of which i think i am in a good place over her. For a long time i loved her with all my heart. Then when she left me i was obessed. Then angry then i guess the word for it would be somewhat vengeful. But now that has all changed. I love her still yes in a very deep way that will never go away i am convinced but it's diffrent. i think it has devolved into a sort of "you will likely never see her again but you'll want to know she is doing alright" I wish to the gods that we could hang out again i really feelt hat we could get along if we could forget the past. But obvisouly the past made us who we are for better or worse so forgetting it would be like skipping the first part of the movie that sets the plot. So i guess all i can hope for there is that somewhere in the script we can meet and smile at each other and tell a joke once in a while.

Things at work are getting a little Crazy as i said before Mike now has lindsey a good hard worker so i am kinda sensing this vibe he really really really wants rid of me now that he has basically a replacement. Kinda makes me worry but i don;t do anything wrong i am as on time as i can be and only take my breaks on the clock now and work hard. Still he is finding really oddball ways to bitch at me and get me in the office in trouble and i think the other Managers know it but they have to enforce the rules.

Anyway am kinda trying to decompress at the moment had ALOT going on in the last week and am pretty tired. itching to share my week with people but My bud is busy Adam is off with Chris Nikisha is super busy with work and getting her own stuff done. Dad is always never up for anything and well talking to mom....yeah. Would call Amber but i have this sneaking suspicion after allt hat has passed between us she would not be chatty LOL funny how i can even type her name now and not get angry or depressed or really anything beyond a kinda strange fondness. I really wish i could put that feeling in words.

Anyway i gots s few hours yet to burn before bed and wanna get some wedding pics posted and watch another episode or two of buffy since that apparently is what my taste for TV craves today.

Peace

]]> ~Rage-Cycle http://Rage-Cycle.deviantart.com/journal/13565946/ http://Rage-Cycle.deviantart.com/journal/13565946/ Sun, 01 Jul 2007 15:55:59 PDT
Yeah not really into bible qoutes at all really but i think this one kinda suits my attitude as of late.

Been getting kinda frustrated with the slowness the Navy is moving forward with me. Frustrated cause the bank has hit me for nearly 1k in overdraft charges in less than a month and feeling slightly down cause i REALLY wanted to go to the fireworks tonight up at the serpentine wall but Alas i would nto enjoy it alone and the few people i would have gone with are either out of town working or going with others.

I gotta wonder if i am weird for not really being one who enjoys just going out by myself. I know my bud and amber or adam or lindsay or hell half a dozen other people i know can each go out on their own and enjoy themselves. I just really don't have any enjoyment doing that at all. if i ever go somewhere by myself it's usualy to go and get something and come right back home with it.

I dunno what to do with myself anymore i guess. My schedule does not permit me to PT with the rest of the DEP recruits on thursdays or tuesdays. Adam has been on this binge of hanging with girls and drinking for the last few weeks which i cannot afford to take part in. My bud has been off enduring his own tradgedies which i am unfourtunatly able to do very little to even offer a shoulder. My ex well hell i got no damn clue what she's up to anymore which in itself is a bit weird to me i am so used to knowing what she's doin who's botherin her what kinda mood she's in. I know she hates my guts beyond beleif for reasons that to me make very much sense but at the same time do not make sense at all. Weird that despite knowing she hates me and no longer bearing soulful love for her i still want her to be happy and be there for her if she would ever let me. but i doubt that day will ever come.

Dad and jan made it to florida for my sisters wedding yesterday am glad they got to get away for two weeks but am also insanely jealous that they get to go for two weeks and i will barely have the time to drive down there grab my tux watch the wedding catcha nap and have to turn right around and leave again to get back here for work. Kinda pisses me off i had to damn near come to fists with the boss before he gave me even that much time.

But anyway back to the qoute thing. I realize that none of my troubles were intentionally caused. no one set out to depress anger upset elate or tickle my fancies. but they end up doing it none the less. Take Brandon for example a mutual buddy of me and adam who is also joining the navy. he does'nt mean to make me angry with the shit he says about me but it's really hard not to take it as simply insulting. Adam does'nt mean for me to feel bad about being broke as hell when he says i should be able to stand on my own two feet but it hurts none the less. I could go on to other people such as my ex or my mother but you get the idea.

Anyway just feeling kinda down and was REALLY looking forward to today and was waiting patiently to go and see my WHOLE family this coming weekend but now i will barely have time to do a drive by wave. Anyway am gonna hop offa here finish my fred saberhagen book and possibly give my bud a call or somethin.

Peace ya'll

]]> ~Rage-Cycle http://Rage-Cycle.deviantart.com/journal/13369672/ http://Rage-Cycle.deviantart.com/journal/13369672/ Sat, 16 Jun 2007 14:07:50 PDT

been hell at work but that's nothing new. Same old complaints there. Although this week was gonna be cool cause there was gonna be no Mike to irritate me all week npe instead we had a floor strip and every MR come in and Cathy Visits as well as the union president there this week have been working my ass off all week. Am tired and kinda worn out.

On the oppositre side of the coin though i got a hell of a shock when the Store managers invited me out for drinks last night. LOL thought they were gonna get me drunk and pump me for Info about store related things i would know and they would'nt which of course they did to an extent. But i More or less kept it all to myself except for things that really should have somethign done about them. had a great time a TON of laughs last night Kinda cool how i always had this impression of Sam and Jeff as being stick int he mud but get them outta Kroger and they are actually pretty cool. Had a really really awesome time with them LMAO i was a big source of laughs and unless i was drunk enough to imagine it i think they were all really taken with me.

OH yeah been working on another book. Kinda burned out on trying to write this same story since last july. So instead i kinda got intot he whole fantastic four mood and starte writing a story that kinda centers around Galactus who in my opinion never really got enough attention as the awesome character he was. Still mostly looking up facts and getting the general basis of the story line down but it's all developing nicely if i do say so myself.

Colleens wedding is up in a few weeks and it looks like i am not going right now i have less than 70$ in the bank and over 700$ due next week in bills so looks like i am just gonna end up totaly screwed since i am still getting nearly nowhere on diggin myself out from those bank charges. And no one i know has the ability to help me out...who will anyway one person does but of course mother is not about to help me out.

Blah am very bored at the moment. Broke as all hell and Adam is outta town Nikisha is taking her final exams and working and so on. My Bud is off doin his thing and dad and jan are out at the camp ground. Should get off my ass and clean this damn room it REALLY needs it. Just so damned hard for me to make myself do work stuff when i know at the end there nothing to really do afterwards except go back to sitting and hoping money falls outta the sky or i suddenly develop the urge to actually be by myself.

Anyway gotta hop off here and get goin on my room or i will just end up blowing it off my whole time off and never feel the urge to do it after work. After that i think i might just whip out my katana and see what i still got in the way of skill in the back yard. Wish me luck in not taking off my own hand...or head...don't laugh ask my bud he has seen more unlucky things happen to me LOL.

]]> ~Rage-Cycle http://Rage-Cycle.deviantart.com/journal/13241036/ http://Rage-Cycle.deviantart.com/journal/13241036/ Wed, 06 Jun 2007 15:21:15 PDT
Ok yeah pretty lame but what can i say between Pirates 3 and joining the Navy that has been stuck in my head for like a week.

Wow lots going on with me lots of it dismal some of it actually pretty good. not sure where to start so i guess i'll get the less pleasant Crap outta da way so this will possibly end on a smile rather than a grunt or irritation.

Well The bank has lodged it's rather tenacious claws into my wallet. I ran over my account by like 20 or so dollaras and ended up getting hit with damn neat 500$ of overdraft fees between daily fees and 33$ per charge so i was forced to sell my Wii and my Xbox360 along with most of my best games including god of war 2 ::sniffle sniffle::

BUT it paid off the payday loan i had initally gotten to NOT go overdrawn out some gas in my tank and WOULD have paid a few bills had the bank not APPROVED knowing i had a negative balance several auto pays thus hitting me with almost another 200$ worth of charges. So allt he money i had deposited was instantly gone. And game systems and games traded meant in the end very little.

My Ex Decided to meet with me Face to face and we had a long and irritating conversation not so much because of what was said rather than the fact i was rarely allowed to speak without being interupted and neither she not my bud could "see my point of view" i guess would be the best term? BUT i feel it all ended if not on a positive not it ended for the best. We came to an agreement that i can if not happily contently stick to and we are putting it in writing and i expect anyday now to get a notice to come and sign on the dotted line.

I guess all i can say to that is i wish i could bring them into my head for a few minuets so they could understand my veiw point from how it is felt not just my poor vocalizations of my feelings. I have always lacked in that regaurd.

Oh well anyway on the brighter side of things I Have offically joined the Navy and my ship out date is november 20th as it stands. Which is likely to change to earlier once i get my eyes checked by an optomotrist. According tot he Navy i have 20/40 vision in one eye and 20/30 in the other which i know is not true i have always had perfect vision and problems like this when being tested have come up before. Just need to get the cash together to get it done.

PT is kicking my ass i damn near curled into a ball at the cramp in my side after one one friggin mile LMAO how sad is that? I wish i could run it with my gaming thumb i would be all set for a life in the seals LMAO But i am honestly doing much better than most of the recruits i have PTd with. hal of them were lagging after two laps i might have been gasping for air but i was still running at the same pace.

Another bright spot is my Son is at last nearly done with baby formula and food and such he ate his first real PB&J today so yaay for me da boy gets real food and i get something of a break on the bill. not much but every bit helps at this point.

I dunno what else to add that i think would come out the way i want it to. I want to say i feel good about me and my Exs arrangement but i think it would just come off as wrong. I would like to say i feel maybe now there is some slight hope for our future if indefinite friendship ( though again here i think i may be clinging to something gone ) I want to say like i feel like i am a part of something again in the Navy but honestly i really don;t feel like i have really joined the club yet. I think when i can do the PT and know my general orders and all that other stuff they want ya to know i will belong a bit more.

oh PS for any of you who pray pray for me or sacrifice chickens or dance witht he winds or whatever it is ya might do. I am bound and determined to make it to florida for my sisters wedding and this finacial crap has more than out a hurtin on my chances.

Arr me buckos go ashore and brings me back a smile. hehehe i love pirate talk

]]> ~Rage-Cycle http://Rage-Cycle.deviantart.com/journal/12833641/ http://Rage-Cycle.deviantart.com/journal/12833641/ Thu, 03 May 2007 21:27:45 PDT

So many things to say tonight. so sorry folks prolly gonna be a long one.

Well first off things are going pretty good as far as the Navy goes finnaly getting down tot he nitty gritty as far as the paper work nothing really left for me to do but wait for them to give me the call to send me to MEPS. Working out has been going pretty good to put on a few pounds of muscle and it shows a lil in my arms and ever so very slightly in my shoulders.

SPIDER MAN 3 in 15 hours!!!!!!

yeah pretty excited about that since i learned venom will actually make an appearance.

Yeah not much else good goin for me right now since i just beat god of war 2 and am gonna start on twilight princess again been more or less ignoring it for a week to play through god of war.

OK time for the grimer part of my fairy tale.
Well Me and Nikisha officaly fell apart a few days ago when she stormed off on me and i still have no idea why then she wanted to show up days later like nothing had happend. Amber worre out my patience on that kinda thing. So we have been degtraded to just friends if we can even call it that.

Speaking of amber what a wretched bi%^$ she called the cops on me today for giving her a chance to settle things like adults rather than angry children. So am taking her to court for what she owes me. Makes me laugha ctually cause she would have gotten away much easier had she been reasonable. Instead we will end up duking it out in front of a judge and considering all my paychecks were deposited in her account without ever being cashed and that i have proff the ring is mine and in the state of ohio verbal contracts are admissiable shes gonna end up with about a 3k bill on top of giving me my ring back.

Also makes me laugh this whole thing started over a simple mistake. I parked in front of her house about a week ago cause my buds parking area was full so without thinking i just puilled in front of her house cause i had been doing it so long it was just kinda natural to me. but instead of accepting it as an honest mistake and accepting my apology and explanation she told me i was a stalker and that i had "other" reasons for doing it.

Then got pissy when i was finnly sick of playing the nice guy and gave her attitude right back. LOL really cracks me up cause if we go by that logic she sleeps with every guy she meets for more than a few hours. She has the ciomplete inability to accept responsibility and is nothing more than a spoiled baby whinning and throwing a fit when she does;nt get her way.

And to top it all off Mom and Dad were not gonna tell me they are paying for my sisters wedding. Which i know is traditional but a few months ago i wass on bended knee begging them for a lil aid and they both refused now suddenly they have 8k between them to give to colleen. that REALLY pisses me off.

And then there's my best freind/brother. not really sure what to say there. In some ways i am so furious with him in others i am grateful for him being who he is. I guess all i can say there is i wish he would just straight up tell me he;s blowing me off for amber again. or that he just does;nt want to do something instead saying "let me get back to you" and then never calling or anything.

I know this will prolly piss him off but i am tired of sitting on my feelings waiting for people to get around to me. he is long overdue to pay me back but i held off cause i knew he was always having financial trouble then i come to find out he's spent over 3k hanging out with amber in the last few months. And he cut short plans he called to make with me the other night cause amber called and wanted him to come home and watch a movie needless to say i felt like a peice of shit cause while i was'nt simply dropped but i kinda got the impression he just put in his time and then was off to be with the one the really wanted to hang with.

I know i should prolly just sit down and have a talk with them but i guess i never figured out how to sit down and say "i'm pissed and here's why". I guess i am just so damned sick of coming in last place. Always the last one to know anything always the last one to be considered yet always the first one ignored in favor of something else no matter how much i have done for said person or persons.

Work ha sucked ass the last week or so since adam quit to much work and now not enough help which means in about 4 hours i am gonna have to wake up go do 12 hours of work in 8 hours. oh well at least i got a nice repereive this weekend somehow managed another three days off in a row. and i even have about 20$ to actually go out and do something. was thinking about a bottle of jack and just sitting... ]]> ~Rage-Cycle http://Rage-Cycle.deviantart.com/journal/12583240/ http://Rage-Cycle.deviantart.com/journal/12583240/ Fri, 13 Apr 2007 16:43:05 PDT

The funnies:

I have taken to keeping alot of my commenbts to myself and consequently i have ended up bursting out into laughter when other people have no idea what thought ran through my head to make it happen. I personally think those looks are hillarious. Also heard alot of good jokes but to long to post here.

The Holy crap i don't belive it's:

Well i have more or less decided to join the Navy despite some people telling me how stupid i am for it and others encouraging it. Really interested in being a Submarine Mechanics Mate. LOTS i dont wanna give up to join like my long hair and goatee really dont wanna have to start running all the time and not really having control of where i live. But i get a free roof over my head food good pay and marketable job skills for when i get out. and if i get lucky and do well on my ASVAB the second time around i can get some sweet signing bonuses.

The not so good things:

In joining the Navy a kind of sense of finality has settled over me in some senses. If i sign i will be leaving cincinnati where i have been for 6 years leaving behind my best friend/ Brother. Leaving behind my father and son till i can manage a way to come see him or bring him up there. Alot of that i don't really wanna give up but the hardest will be leaving me and my ex unresolved. I know she has no real desire to do so but i really want to try and restore a friendship between us. not even on any huge scale i would be satisfied with just being able to call her once in a while and say hullo maybe do a movie now and again sorta deal. But i don;t see it happening. I also REALLy don;t wanna cut my hair. yes i know i said that but hey it counts twice for me cause i feel it;s the one good physical attribute i've got.

The oh god just shoot me's:

I am relyl starting to feel the weight of my debts. Not getting anywhere with them at all. I pay them what i can as often as i can and still not doing so well i have to think twice before every pack of smokes or 6 pack of water to drink at work. Also it's getting really hard to keep going to kroger everyday i have to work and put up with allt he crap i have always put up with since i needed the job knowing that in all likelihood i will be moving on to a MUCH better position int he Navy. Finding it very hard to Keep up my good spirits when i feel like so many things are going downhill at the moment. and been busy as no tommrow the last two weeks doing paperwork getting work refrences working out and so on the only real release i get is on tuesdays when me and my bro hang out and have a few laughes. And that only really lasts a few hours since we both have to work early int he day wensday and he does;nt get off till about 6pm. and my TV no longer gets reception at all so no smallville ARGH!!!!!

The final thoughts:

Meh really looking forward to getting through MEPS and so on to figure out exactly what i will do in the Navy and make the final deciosn to join and so on. Really wishing my ex was a lil more amiable to the idea of being freinds again. Really wanting to take a breather and relax this weekend i am off till tuesday and if i can just get some rest and some laughes i will feel much better. So kiddies todays moral?

When designing your superhero costume don;t make it skin tight. Farting in there will only lead to pain later.

]]> ~Rage-Cycle http://Rage-Cycle.deviantart.com/journal/12233048/ http://Rage-Cycle.deviantart.com/journal/12233048/ Sun, 18 Mar 2007 13:27:56 PDT
Anyway still mostly relaxed my vacation still did me tons of good back to new episodes of smallville. Got offered a huskie today if i had a place to keep him i would have been all over it. One of my friends Nikisha is finaly moving out of her mothers house which in my opinion will do her a world and a half of good. Lots of good movies coming up My bud adam is trying to give up drinking and is interested in Getting a dual membership to a gym so we can both work out which i have been meaning to do for a long time but me and Amber could never quite get ourselves to go do it. never been one to enjoy stuff like that on my own.

But ont he opposite side of the coin i feel...dissatisfied? maybe lethargic? When it comes to really doing anything about my personal life. I know when it comes to women i am still rather stuck on Amber there is still that large part of me that wants to hold on for our friendship but another part of me that says waiting two years for a chance at there being one is unreasonable. I dunno Just feeling a little burned out on the whole not wanting to be alone aspect of my life. NIkisha has interest in me as well as a girl i met in florida while on vacation but neither is what i really want. I could be friends with them no doubt but more than that? I honestly don't think so. Add tot hat the fact i am not really a go out and do stuff on my own and meet people person and i think i will be alone for a very long while. Not really a complaint just not really looking forward to it.

Been sick as a dog the last few days. haven't worked a full shift in three days which is realllllllly gonna hurt on my paycheck but there's not really anyone i can ask for help this time so gonna have to slog through this one on my own. What sucks is it's not the cough and tightness in my throat that make me go home but the feeling of utter exhaustion. Like i am just going to collapse where i stand if i don't go lay down.

Anyway i gotta lay down soon cause i gotta be at work at friggin 5am and can't be late cause that would mean i would be written up. i am forever 15-30 minuets late but always stay to make it up so that really sucks for me.

So here's to hopin all you people out there have something to make ya smile and something to make ya feel loved.

]]> ~Rage-Cycle http://Rage-Cycle.deviantart.com/journal/12013360/ http://Rage-Cycle.deviantart.com/journal/12013360/ Thu, 01 Mar 2007 12:47:07 PST
Well I was on vacation this week and decided a while back i would go to a beach. Well florida seemed the obvious place and HEY they have a town called daytona BEACH. So i headed on down there.

Trip down actualy rather sucked the only saving grace was i Had a shiney new fresh outta the box Ipod shuffle. Won it on a sorta contest for lack of a better term at work. If you had an idea to help stop losses and they implemented it you get an ipod nano. Don;t ask why they sent me a shuffle but not complaning.

Anyway i was less than ten miles from daytona when i stopped for gas and struck up a conversation with a girl at the pump turns out she lived in daytona and we sat there BSin for about 20 min and ended upa t the beach together and i got an invite to stay with her for the week so i figured what the hell save me some money on a hotel or sleepin in my car.

Had a great time with her and her friends while i was there. Spent a lil more money than i should have but hey who can resist A dozen doughnuts on the way to the beach or a bottle of bicardi for jello shots or renting a few movies to watch on yer butt after the beach?

Had a ball for days got a lil less sleep than intended but no whoop. I had my funninand spent a day at the beach relaxin and sunnin. heh which is of course when i started thinkin to myself. "ahhh had so much fun i almost wanna go home for fear something wil spoil this great time" LOL i kid you not when i got back to the place i was staying there was a message on my phone from my best bud.

He was stuck in chattanooga. Somehow the doof had manged to wreck his car going like 40 MPH. Wanted to know if i would pick him up on my way home. Well i knew where he was headed and i knew why he was headed there and i would be damned first before i let him miss that opertunity.

So i jumped in my car and ran up to chattanooga and grabbed him. Again i wish to point out how much of a saving grace an MP3 Player is on a long trip. Specially when it holds 16 hours of music. In all honesty i thought it would kinda suck driving him all the way back cause lately we have not been talking much and he had seemed rather depressed. but much to my delight he was a joy to have in the car. We had some interesting coversation some playful banter i teased him mercilessly. heh just had a blast i honestly would rather have done that than stayed in Daytona that day sittin on my butt watching the boob tube.

Anyway we got back and the girl i was staying with was very unhappy appreantly she had no confidence i was coming back at all. So she was pleasntly surprised when i popped my head int he door to wake her up. She was still a lil grumpy cause i did't introduce My bud to her when she was nekkid in bed. and she kinda stomped by hima nd me in the living room so i kinda sensed it was not the time for introductions. But all was well in the end.

Anyway hung out htere for a day had a mass of jello shots. Watched galaxy quest even went to wal-mart and found this neat little transmitter thingy that transmits my MP3 player to the radio and plays it throught he speakers of my car that was neat as hell and cheap so i figured that could only add to the sweetness of the trip back and just having one in the future.

Anyway spent my last couple hours of my last day there watchign her and her friend who by the way makes this awesome indian stuff. Awesome enough that i went and got my car peirced a second hole so i could weather one of the earrings without having to give up my loop. They got massively stoned and giggly and we all just kinda hung out and laughed a while and when my best bud showed up and we all hung out just al il longer before we headed on the trip homewards.

And once again we had a great time for the most part on the way back. heh slightly sucked that after a few hours we kinda took turns passing out. but i cant blame him i knew he had to pull into town prolly jump in the shower and head for work and he had't had much sleep the last week or so. Hell the only part i was'nt totaly cool with or event hrilled about was a slight tinge of jealousy that he spent a few short conversations with my ex. nothing big at all was'nt like i was angry or really allt hat jealous but could'nt help that slight twinge if that makes sense.

Anyway am home and still on my way towards fun got some new books a neat puzzle and plan to go see a movie friday and if at all possible before hand try and get my car refinanced. and saturday i gotta go get my car worked on and pray that does;nt cost half a fourtune cause while i am not broke i am a little tapped form the trip.

Anyway Hope someone out there in the ether took the time to read this LOL and knows that there are ways to have fune and th... ]]> ~Rage-Cycle http://Rage-Cycle.deviantart.com/journal/11835843/ http://Rage-Cycle.deviantart.com/journal/11835843/ Thu, 15 Feb 2007 21:29:31 PST

I'm sure everyone goes through this now and again or at least once in their life. Death.
ON of my friends at work died a while back. her and i were not close or anything but we smoked on occasion bitched about Rita laughed about dwight things like that. Just yer basic work place grumbles. But she died just like that one day. Was there laughing with me about Micheal ( gay guy up front ) Next day i find out she died on the way home just like that. No heart attack no trouble breathing nothing just popped off on the way home her brother thought she had just fallen asleep and let her sleep but apparently she had died.

I made an appearance at her funeral. Could not bring myself to go up to her coffin or anything but it all made me think. She was in much better health than me. I guess it was a big dose of mortality that made this train of thought take off but.

What do i matter? I mean honestly if i died tommrow aside form a select few people. who would notice? Wall street would continue to trade stock. Snow would still fall. Worst case scenario would be that ,my job falls behind a bit until i can be replaced.

Now don't get me wrong i am not thinking about bumpin myself off or nuthing just can't get these thoughts outta my head. and really don;t wanna talk about them with adam he's depressed enough as it is.

I have experienced a good bit in my life. Not as much as most honestly. but still to me it's alot. How many people can honestly say they have had a taste or real honest to god love and felt the bitterness of it lost felt it so strongly it was quite literally killing them? I do not think i am unique in that experience I can honestly say now i belive people can die from broken hearts.

I know everyone watches their parents age and eventually die and for some it;s accepted others including myself it really hurts on an everyday basis to see my father age. to know that as scrawny as i am my muscles are in his league now and he was a 23 year marine!! And despite how much they want to get closer they are afraid because well the more we are together the harder it will be to let go.

I am afraid to love i think. Really. I love my cats and i cry when one of them is gone forever i still shed a tear now and again for pearl and bud and shan and willie and rusty and cleo anbd ceaser. I mean serisouly most of those cats were forever ago. It still hurts to wake up everyday and amber is not there. it still hurts to watch my best bud and adam and even for asw much as i despise her it hurts to see Mo struggle so much.

Do i love to much? is my heart to soft for this day and age? I am well aware there are millions if not billions of people out there wou would take advantage of someone like me and yet i can't help it i can;t stop myself i want to help them. I want to make things right for them. I use to laugh when i said i was cursed with a heart of gold. Now i really am starting to think i am "outdated" that my way of thinking can only lead to my own pain in the attempt to help others.

Anyway i know most of those questions there are no answers at all save for what we find ourselves. But they bother me yanno? Make me think. And i hate thinking along those lines.

Anyway subject change. went back to the hospital today for my check up. Both good news and bad. My blood pressure is down a bit not quite so in danger of a heart attack or stroke but still not in the green either. Did;nt have to get a perscrition or anything ( thank god i hate pills ) But Dr. Shores says that i still need to step up my efforts and get it down. And now the bad news LOL I really do find this hillarious so for those of you who take offense to it just remeber a doctor told me to. "you need to go out and get laid party a bit relax and have some fun just don't get stupid with it" Dr. Shores rules i mean honestly what Dr tells their patient to go outand get laid LOL. So doing my best there but volunteers are hard to come by. heh

Anyway about to post the "rough draft" of the first chapter or so of my novel. I belive some of it has been seen before by those who visit my page. But i figure it's a good amount to start out with and get some actuall feedback beyond "it's good" or "i like it" so here we go to posting tossin my dream intot he ether and seein where it lands.

]]> ~Rage-Cycle http://Rage-Cycle.deviantart.com/journal/11764802/ http://Rage-Cycle.deviantart.com/journal/11764802/ Sat, 10 Feb 2007 19:39:29 PST

Damn talk about a roller coaster of a week.

Been to the heights of pleasure. the pits of agrravation. The peak of fun and of course the chasm of frustration.


Well like i said lots has happend this week. Some good. Some bad.

For the most part this week evened itself out i had a blast with Adam twice this week once we just hooked up and watched some red vs blue smoked a few cigarettes bitched about work made a million jokes. AND he turned 20 friday so we went out got a gallon yeah a GALLON of jack daniels at his request and we all got together me him and like 6 other people and smashed that bottle in less than 3 hours. Smoked some Mary J witht hem to boot. I was hammered beyond reason but so was everyone else we all laughed chatted even made some music. Serisouly adam and terry and andrew all record rap and make their own beats. Turns out they really like my opinions on Their beats as well i gave them lil advice like add a reverb here drop that back beat down a peg and stuff and they were all loving how diffrent he music came out sounding and in their opinion how much better.


Was REALLY great to break outta my shell a lil and go out and have some fun hit on some girls have a few drinks and ultimately copius amounts of laughter. was just a great time and wish i could live it over again.

On the opposite side of the coin, Mo has made a real trial of tryin to be a father. I love my son i truly do. And i provide all i can for him but money is finite especialyl with me right now. My refund sucks by comparison to what it would have been had i been able to do as we agreed and claim him on my taxes instead of hers. So this makes the financial part of providing for him MUCH harder considering i was slowly slipping into the negatives to keep food in his belly and warmth in his bed. BUt it has finnaly gotten tot he point where i can literally not afford to keep up paying what i have for him. So i told Mo she needed to start helping me out and she got super pissy about that. Started threatning to tell dad and jan things i had told her in confidence. Was gonna track down amber and try another BS story to make her mad at me. And of course the ever present child support threat if i did'nt pay for EVERYTHING.

Well I decided to stand my ground on this. She tried to call three times today to tell me he needed food. I told her to get to the store and get it for him cause i have no money. which is true there is literally 45 cents in my bank account right now after bills and one rockstar. Well she called back 25 minuets later and tred to tell me to go do it. i refused again cause i could'nt afford it. So she calls my father!! What the hell? She tried to put him in the middle tried to make him make me go spend money i did'nt have. And got super pist when he did'nt threating to kick me out and stuff.

So she's again threatning child support and finnaly i just said to hell with it a not gonna have that hanging over my head for the next 17 years that she thinks she can just threatin something and that i will obey. NOT going to happen. So i am going to try and work out a deal with her tommrow we can do throught he courts where i will pay her some preagreed upon amount each week. like 25-30$ or something not a ton of money i know but it's more than enough to feed him and get him diapers. I consider that a fair share. All she would have to get would be clothes every few months and prolly a random item here and there. I feel this is reasonable.

Ugh Just feeling a little overwhelemed yanno? Wish adam or My best bud or amber werre able to come hang out with me a lil more. Adam got things to do only reason we did so much this week was he was on vacation. My best bud has got issues ofhis own he is dealing with. And amber well...long story. LOL.

Speaking of vacations though i am headed for daytona beach in two weeks WOO HOO. gonna soak in the sun the sand and if at all possible a hot tub with a couple of beach bunnies LOL. wish me luck.

Anyway that's been about my week aside from the mundane details of it. All in all i would call it a fairly decent week. OH well first chapter of my book comin in a few days trying to get a few things corrected on it.

Peace out

Speaking o

]]> ~Rage-Cycle http://Rage-Cycle.deviantart.com/journal/11688905/ http://Rage-Cycle.deviantart.com/journal/11688905/ Sun, 04 Feb 2007 19:14:20 PST

Saturday was beyond awesome. woke up having gotten a great nights sleep. got together with one od my buds adam apartment hunting got a few pretty decent prospects. Actually gotta get together with him again tommrow to actual go and look around a few of these places. Hope that turns out well. Anyway we ended up at newport to go see pans labryinth and wow all i can say is don;t go see that high LMAO. It will mess with your mind......and it's hard to read subtitles when severly hammered.

But after that we went to his buddy andrews with one of our friends from work terry we all chilled like hell laughed a ton drank a lil watched a few good movies and even did some rap recording LOL yeah me rapping into a microphone with my friends sounds scarey eh? but they said i suck at rapping but i'm beyond cool with the mixing of the beats.

Got home around 10pm last night and apssed out by 11. got another GREAT nights sleep....wonder if it had to do witht he fact lois slept elsewhere...hmmmm. Anyway got plenty of sleep got to work on time. Mike was again complimenting me on all the good work i had done over the last week or so. And when 1pm rolled around again. Terry came into work. man all we could od was laugh about last night we did;nt get any damn work done.....and it prolly did'nt help i was still a lil buzzed off that shit we smoked and he was freshly abuzz. LOL.

Anyway it was about 4pm when i knew somethign was about to go wrong i could just feel it as if some how i had this happen so often i could actualyl see when things were about to go south. I called Mo to let her know i would come pick up my son and me and him and my family would do a lil B-day party for him. Well bout 20 minuets later ig et a call from Mo saying she had called to ask jan if it was OK that she come. I was so pist about that she went behind my back after i made it very clewar i did not want her there. was still to angry with her. but she wanted to be there so she did that.

Still i managed to be nice the whole time managed to ignore allt he other things she was saying and doing that inevitably she KNOWS would piss me off. But i held my temper......until.

We were ont he way home i was tired as hell and slightly grumpy from her being there and having to deal with smiling in her face. Then she thanked me for "inviting her along" and i lost it that was just the last damn straw. So i told her not to make a habit out of it i had NOT invited her along she invited herself and she and i just launched into this looooooong argument he whole way home about how i was sick of providing every damn thing he has ever had and she tried to say something like "you have'nt given him nothing" that's when i stopped trying to control the volume of my voice.

Needless to say things degenerated fromt here. won't bore you with the details. But siffice it to say we are not longer on speaking terms and so forth and honestly i can't make myself give a damn.

Blah despite it all having ended on a bad note i am glad all this happend Mo knows now that i am pist at her beyond all reason. Adam is more inclined to hang with me and so is terry. heheh saw a great movie high as hell. spent a day lauighing and having fun. Hell i even got in a good session with my best bud on friday where i think maybe we were "the old us" for a little while. All and all i think my life is going pretty damn good right now.

Anyway will end this cause i need to get back to thinking of details for a commosion i am trying to have done. Making a list of my fiances so i know what i can afford as for an apartment. And last but not least me and mary J still got a little party left LOL Anyone care to join?

Peace out

]]> ~Rage-Cycle http://Rage-Cycle.deviantart.com/journal/11634907/ http://Rage-Cycle.deviantart.com/journal/11634907/ Wed, 31 Jan 2007 12:38:53 PST
Have managed to have a pretty decent week for the most part. been eating a lil more my tax refund is not what i was hoping for but it;s enough to pay off one bill totaly and make a nice dent in another. Playing some old school RPGs which i have always loved and will prolly never get tired of.

But one of my friends at work died today. I use to smoke with her fairly often. we would always lauigh and bitch about rita being a crap front end manager. But oh well life goes on just sucks knowing someone who seemed in perfect health a few days ago just dropped dead on the drive home from work. Bah need to stop thinking about that.

Also was trying to get monday off to spend the day with my son cause it's his B-day really hoping that pans out so i can be there with him when he turns the big 1.

Bah not realyl sure why i feel so depressed jst kinda a day where i want to pack upa nd head out somewhere and just have a good time for a little while. Not worry about the real world for a few hours. But unfourtunatly the real world don;t have a puse button and i gotta get some things done that will nto get done otherwise.

Anyway was'nt a long one and i know mine usualy are but hey sometimes a man only got so much to say.

Anyway hope you all got enoumous tax refunds and woman or men whichever the case may be the dandle on your knee food in your belly and weed ont he standby in case you got none of it LOL.

Peace out for now

]]> ~Rage-Cycle http://Rage-Cycle.deviantart.com/journal/11590906/ http://Rage-Cycle.deviantart.com/journal/11590906/ Sat, 27 Jan 2007 17:56:58 PST

To be what? and not to be what?

Well when it comes to me this is the hard part what to be and what not to be.


Well Me and my ex actually had it out / long talk / came to terms / whatever.

One thing she pointed out to me and belive it or not it was a HUGE revelation to me was something seemingly small. It's not that i am a weak person far from it i know of very few people who have the will to do some of the things i have done. Working looooong days with two full times jobs for a number of months. Devoting the energy i did to the reconstruction of my home when we had a fire years back. but i am getting away fromt he point she told me i have always been strong for others. Never myself.

Now that was a HUGE kick in the head to realize that. I had worked two full time jobs and a part time for her colleage yes that took strength but it was not for me. I worked ever so hard to rebuild this place. But that was because my dads sjhoulder was hurt jan was complaning what it was costing for labor and well yeah a little cause i was sick of the smell of drywall dust and was always cold in the winter considering for a little while WE HAD NO WALLS!! lol

But i have never worked two jobs cause i wanted to get ahead in my bills. I never tried to quit smoking cause i wanted to. I have always drawn my strength from others. At first i really did not thinkt his a flaw to want to please others and find joy in that. And i still do not think that flaw. i think it;s a very endearing and inherintly good quality. and seemingly exceedingly rare nowadays.

Why i wondered to myself. ( all these thoughts took place in a matter of seconds really.) Where along the way did i stop putting me first and what i wanted/needed before others? Was it when i realized how much i enjoyed hearing amber laugh and smile? Maybe when summer was in a car crash ( that was a big turning point in my life ) and lost the baby she was carrying ( mine ) Was it after i left pensacola and came here where i was unhappy to have lost all my friends and just shut myself in? I know it's kinda a moot point but thats a question i really wanna know and for the life of me i can't begint o recall when it happened.

but about ten minuets later when she had finished that section of her speech.lecture/rant/wisdom/whatever. She told me what i had figured out for myself i need to be strong for myself not others. And while i totaly agree with her it presents problems of it's own.

I belive being strong is acting on ones convictions and following ones heart all while trying to do the right thing and lead a good life. BUT my heart and convictions tell me to stay with amber be near her don't let what miserably atrophied chance you still have to be her friend fade. And while i am "doing the right thing" by leaving her be letting her come to terms with things on her own and patiently awaiting the day when i hope she will call and say hullo it's very hard to do that. Kinda a conflict my heart tells me to stay near but my will to be a better person tells me to keep my distance. Very confusing though i have decided to keep my distance and hope she reaches across it some day.

As for other aspects. Mo is making it VERY difficult to be a good father. She is not carrying any of the finacial weight of my son at all. Today is a perfect example i am just supposed to not pay half my bills and go get him a 25$ bottle of formula a 32$ box if diapers, at least a dozen outfits by her dremands which in my mind adds up to at least 75$ even at a cheap palce, and sippy cups that are spill proof another 6-10$. Just supposed to go out and get that stuff reguardless if i can afford it. And here again is a conflict i do love my son. i do my best to get him what he needs. but my heart says to just go get it while my convictions say "she needs to pull her share too so just get the formula diapers and food" and if he needs clothes well we got him some for X-mas half a dozen outfits. just UGH again there not sure what i should do. Opinions on this one anyone?

I have put down cigarettes for about a day and a half now and that is a big struggle i keep finding myself heading to UDF or for the registers at work and starting to ask for a pack of smokes with my rockstar or aquifina ( yeah cutting back on soda in favor of water too ) i even Dled a new game onto my phone ( monopoly...pathetic eh? ) so i would have somethign to do on my breaks that would last at least 15 min. but i have to be aware and catch myself everytime and it gets harder and harder. especially when dad and jan smoke adam smokes robert smokes hell half the popele i work with smoke. Ugh i figure if i can make it two weeks i should make it all the way. LOL i wonder if i stillq uit if amber will honor the pact we made if i ever quit she had to buy me a box set of DV... ]]> ~Rage-Cycle