It's always annoyed me that girls do this thing xD I mean, I adore their dedication and all....but at the same time....life isn't all about "the other half". Don't build your world around one person unless that one person is you. If that other person leaves, as this one did - you're stuck until you move on - ya know? And to a point I was like this but - I've realized the truth. Companionship is nice - don't get me wrong... and I'm all for romance... I love it. But, I'm not dependent on one person. If needed, I can get out on my own and do my own thing- but I don't want to. This recently came to my attention when I got a call from the Air Force. I did some soul searching and realized.... I don't want to join. Why? Well, I never really wanted to do it in the first place. I just wanted out and that seemed the only way. But, I've realized I enjoy my job. I love my babies. I don't -want- to leave them. I'm being selfish in this - and I'm being selfish more and more. Saying I -want- and doing it rather than being wishy washy and when someone tells me that they think it's ignorant or that it's not the best course of action, I change my mind to their opinion. If I -want- something then I'm damn well gonna have it; just because I want it. Not because mom or wendy want it; not because my friends say it's the best decision, not because I was guilted....but because -I- wanted it. I bought Assassin's Creed and although a flop; it was -my- flop. My choice. My power, in a sense.

So, I don't want to join the air force. I called because it was the "best choice" by several of my friends; what do I want? to do what I'm doing now. Drawing. going to work and playing with my babies. coming home and voicing my opinions to my family rather than being a pushover. If I don't like something, I'll fight for it. I wouldn't have been happy even if I went to the air force because the real problem wasn't my family; it was -me- and my -reaction- to my family. I was submissive to everything they wanted because I "owed" them something but the truth is... I haven't opened to them. I don't talk to them. I sit on my computer and sulk. Communication is key - yes? They were trying to communicate but I wasn't speaking a language they could understand. So, we learned a pattern - they would voice their authority and I would cave.

But recently, I've owned up to my responsiblity as a twenty-four year old...not as a member of the "fantastic three" but as an individual. I've let them in on things I like; despite it being a little weird at first... I even let them know that I do in fact, curse. And I found.... they are oddly understanding and accepting. Does this mean I can be open with them about the fact that I'm ok with homosexuals? noooo xD I know them well enough.

So... there. I dunno. Just started as a silly love note to bite my romance bone....and then went into a rant and self discovery. xP Ooops. Btw: if you read all that you deserve a giant cooke. And I'll bake it for you.

Soooo, I'm feeling really bumbed out right about now.

why?

Assassin's creed. I ordered it online a few days ago - it's the PC version since I has no console. Anyway, I scanned over the specs needed and since I know very little about my computer except the ram and all that shit - I assumed that since I was above average on just about everything that I was good to go.

Not so. not so. Turns out, I've got a shitty graphics card. And - I can't change the damn thing. There's no way on my lappy -AT ALL- to add a graphics card or change a damn graphics card because I have an integrated chip. Whatever the hell that means.

So now, I'm watching the shipment track through colorado holding a game I so desperately want to play and that is literally my -ONLY- christmas present this year (no joking there)..... knowing it won't work on my computer. Not even on low res.

Part of me... wants to cry.

And I swear izzy if you say "told you portal was better" I'll shave all the hair from your body in the middle of the night. Portal was 50 something dollars that I saw. Assassin's creed was only 14.

Gah. I'm just really really really really bumbed out by all of this.

1. Blanke's Prize
2. =kaazi Contest Entry
3. Piccy for Zimara

People Who Will Make You Fangasm:

Any my Cuz (he WILL put stuff up eventually - if not harrass him):


People who make awesome avvis
*VeXtreme ~videowiz321

Also: I caught a prezzie. Can't open until 24th though (not that I have a choice rofl I wouldn't anyway xP )

Ripped from...several people xD

Post 10 things about yourself:

1. I'm perfectly happy being alone. I can go days without speaking and/or seeing anyone and I rather enjoy it. That doesn't mean that I wouldn't welcome a relationship.

2. I have an unhealthy obssession with tea. I'll drink it until I explode if I was allowed to.

3. I'm painfully shy. Even if I've known you for 10+ years and we've talked every day - I'll blush every time you look at me and clam up at almost anything. I do this online too but you can't see it xP

4. I've always thought people could read me quite easily, however; I've recently learned that's not true. My boss's told me that despite having worked with them nearly every day for 2 years they know very little about me and can't gauge me at all.

5. I have serious anger issues. Though I keep them hidden, it's always been a problem since I was a child and is like Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde. I'm sweet and nice but when I'm angry I'm downright evil. People who have not seen this side of me swear it's not true (don't worry, I'm not generally an angry person)however, I even went to a therapist for a while to deal with it - to no avail.

6. I have psoriatic arthritis in my hands and pretty much every joint on the right side of my body (it's rather painful on good days). This is caused by several large patches of psoriasis on my skin, in particular my shin. It's covers from one inch above my ankle to the bottom of my knee and completely from one side to the other; it's so horrible looking that when I wear capris in the summer everyone who sees it asks how I was burned. Even if it were to magically heal, I would have a giant scar in place of it.

7. There is only one person in this world that I would kill/torture given the chance there would be no repercussions for my actions. (I told you, if you make me angry I can be a really dark person xP )

8. Sometimes, when I lay away at 3 am - I scare myself because I imagine things jumping from the shadows and cutting me apart limb from limb.

9. I don't need a "man" to do crap for me. I'm perfectly capable of replacing a lightbulb, rewiring a ceiling fan, building a table, putting in a sliding door, and replacing a toilet by myself. You men can just go look at porn and hump your hand for all I care. I'm not helpless and if you treat me like it you're bound to get a knee to the jiggly bits for it. If I need help - I'LL ASK FOR IT. >> Back off. But you can crawl under the house all you want - I refuse to do that.

10. I wasn't made for winter weather. I'm absolutely miserable in the winter. I sit beneath a blanket all season and pray for spring to last more than a week. It hits 60 and I'm wearing a sweater, two coats, a scarf, and mittens. What? I'm a spring baby, k? In the spring you can only find me outside in the garden.


TEN things you wish you could say to TEN different people right now: (to online and irl friends)

1. I love you; but I need to get away from you before I forget who I am.

2. We're dying, aren't we?

3. Were things different... I think I could truly deeply love you.

4. I will always hate you.

5. You're afraid of me, and I'm sorry I ruined our friendship.

6. I hope you get an std, bitch. Have fun with mr. catterpillar brows. Grow up.

7. Let me have them. You can visit on weekends.

8. I don't really want to know you. You call me your "sweet baby" but inwardly I'm judging you and wishing you'd stop calling my phone. It's not because I hate you - but you're into things that I don't want anything to do with. And the way you treat your children makes me want to hurt you. There's a reason the judge took them away.

9. I'm not an angel. I'm not sweet. I'm not worthy of your friendship. And I don't say that to be all pitiful, modest, and self loathing. I mean it. If you knew half the things I've done you'd run in the opposite direction as fast as you could. I would scare you if I told you even a handful of the horrors - I'm not worth your time. Escape from me before you're ruined.

10. I blame you. Not because you caused it. But because you didn't stop it.

EIGHT ways to win your heart:

1. Understand that sometimes I want to be touched and sometimes I don't.
2. Just be there; even if we're not talking.
3. Give me a garden ....and asparagus
4. Know what I'm saying when I'm not saying it.
5. Say what you mean,... ]]> =RagsOfAsh http://RagsOfAsh.deviantart.com/journal/28790613/ http://RagsOfAsh.deviantart.com/journal/28790613/ Sun, 06 Dec 2009 15:54:42 PST

//Edit on December 7th//

I know what I want for christmas!!! If anyone wants to get me a gift, this is it.
This -character- not so much andrew lee potts the actor because once he's all shaven he's not so hot - but the scruffy is damn hot. And I'm a sucker for british/irish accents. Period. -flails- You have to but whisper that accent and I'll be a puddle at your feet.

//End Edit//


Hnn... i'm waiting for my secret santa note. O_o I don't know if i'll have time to do it if I'm not assigned sooooooon.

First time ever doing secret santa and it may flop. Makes me sad -sniffle-

Hnnn.... yeah.

Oh, I'm goin all martha stewart this year and makine our wreaths and garland completely from scratch (as in using stuff from our yard) and it looks awesome. First time ever. I've had several people stop me while I was working on it and ask me if I was professional. xD That makes me feel awesome since mum and sis say I suck at designing stuff like that xP


OH OH! I got an early x-mas present from the grandma of the triplets...she knows me so well xD She got me a tea cup and saucer with a tea strainer that fits perfect inside it as well as a matching lid so I can steep my own tea in individual cups instead of an entire pot like I was doing. And - she got me a tin of loose tea (not tea bags) and it's sooo good. So I'm happy xP

Some people make me really upset. I mean, horribly upset. And, it was one of these horribly upset times that I turn to someone so I can tell them how much I hate people.

The last few days I have come in contact with some insanely rude people. There's really no reason to be rude to someone who is being painfully nice. Ex: paintchat. I'll never do it again. I apparently interrupted some little session some guy and his gf were having and the gf was horribly rude. Come on Kiddies, be nice. There's no reason to think that everyone is out to get your underaged jail bait boyfriend.

When buying plants I also met a holier than thou idiot of a grandma who - when I accidently bumped her buggy and apologized - she rolled her eyes and bumped BACK. Yeah really mature. >>

I haven't been feeling my best the last few days so people doing jerk stuff like this has me on edge and I kind of... blew up at a friend. For that, I'm sorry.

Buuut, I was also steaming off at *VeXtreme and he was very understanding. He also, I suspect because of my pity party, bought me a years subby. And I have been horrible to him and he proves that people are good and wonderful and nice and still care even if you've been mean to them.

So, give him love and milkshakes. check out his page. He's one of the nicest guys and deserves someone equally as nice. Thank you bret, you've made my week 100 times better.


In other news:
Expect some of my character from my comic up by the end of the month. And if it's not up - I give you all permission to humiliate me and abuse me. xD

I swear, this is the last journal this week and I will not post another until next Wednesday.

I need to stop listening to "What a Fool Believes" before I go crazy....
Ok, update on life. I'm not going to say that i hope to have more art done....because i'll jinx myself and then I won't. But I want to. xD so keep a look out if you want.

And, I'm calling someone out. =kaazi What the hell? Why aren't you ripping my stuff apart?! I depend on this from you! You dissapoint me.

Note me with any additional entries that I might have overlooked please. *crosses fingers*

I have just received horrible news. You see, the people I work for have become a family to me. Very close. We were one of the few people that the father's sister told that she was pregnant. We've told Ella that she has a new cousin etc etc. She's really very excited.

However, after a routine check up today - about an hour or so ago - they found out that they lost the baby. They don't know exactly what happened, for whatever reason, he died. And now, there is a void where happiness once was. Not everyone knows, I'm one of a handful of people that was told. Sara and Todd are devistated. Please, keep them in your thoughts.
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In other news: I'm going to be MIA for the next week or so. If you don't see me online, or I don't comment,fav, or am not on MSN....that's why. I'll be on for a few minutes but not long at all. I'm feeling a bit - run down, run over, and squashed. I need some time to think. Something someone said to me last night has me thinking and, I'm not sure I know what to do about it. I'm not sure I can do anything about it. But, having ignored it the last few months has not really helped.

My friend Andrew said he would pay half my way and Liz would pay the other for when we go to the Aquarium. At first I agreed but now, I don't really want to go. I mean, I want to and yet I don't. I'm not a pity case and I don't take handouts. If I don't have the money to pay, then I'm ok with not going or not getting it. It's not that big of a deal. Some things are more important to me than going to an aquarium; things like...art supplies. So, I'll call andrew tomorrow and cancel (not today because it's his birfday and I don't want to have uneeded drama).

Aaaand in HAPPIER news:

I had the COOLEST dream last night. I mean, super cool. It was an entire storyline. Short as it is and yaoi filled it was sooo cool. I'm turning it into a short comic definately. I mean, a monk/preist and a cop? Who'd have thought my brain could spin something out of that? Draaaaaamaaaa! Now, to write it down before I forget it xD





End.