http://search.deviantart.com/?q=by:Renee85&section=today deviantART RSS for by:Renee85 en-us Copyright 2009, deviantART.com Fri, 04 Dec 2009 08:23:07 PST deviantART.com http://blogs.law.harvard.edu/tech/rss http://s.deviantart.com/minish/widgets/apple-touch-icon-precomposed.png http://Renee85.deviantart.com/journal/28725392/ http://Renee85.deviantart.com/journal/28725392/ Thu, 03 Dec 2009 09:59:55 PST
Her Morning Elegance:
[link]

Sun been down for days
A pretty flower in a vase
A slipper by the fireplace
A cello lying in its case

Soon she's down the stairs
Her morning elegance she wears
The sound of water makes her dream
Awoken by a cloud of steam
She pours a daydream in a cup
A spoon of sugar sweetens up

And She fights for her life
As she puts on her coat
And she fights for her life on the train
She looks at the rain
As it pours
And she fights for her life
As she goes in a store
With a thought she has caught
By a thread
She pays for the bread
And She goes...
Nobody knows

Sun been down for days
A winter melody she plays
The thunder makes her contemplate
She hears a noise behind the gate
Perhaps a letter with a dove
Perhaps a stranger she could love

And She fights for her life
As she puts on her coat
And she fights for her life on the train
She looks at the rain
As it pours
And she fights for her life
As she goes in a store
With a thought she has caught
By a thread
She pays for the bread
And She goes...
Nobody knows

And She fights for her life
As she puts on her coat
And she fights for her life on the train
She looks at the rain
As it pours
And she fights for her life
Where people are pleasently strange
And counting the change
And She goes...
Nobody knows

]]> ~Renee85 http://Renee85.deviantart.com/journal/28632309/ http://Renee85.deviantart.com/journal/28632309/ Sat, 28 Nov 2009 14:45:39 PST
I don't even want to go out drinking at bars ... I just feel like there's gotta be more like that stacy orrico song haha.. "there's gotta be more to life than chasing round every temporary high."

It's hard listening to people talk about these things lately - anything that could be disguised as materialism at work. I don't know what I'd rather talk about - in fact, sometimes I feel like maybe I'd rather not talk at all. Just sit in silence and enjoy it. I like watching movies lately because they fill the silence and generally entertain my overactive brain while at the same time sometimes provoking it to think and maybe even think a little differently (ie. fightclub... good stuff).

My parents are such happy people, it's hard to be around them at times like this. They're so good to me even when I seem ungrateful and miserable.

But I learned before that labeling myself ungrateful and miserable doesn't work at times like these ... I just get depressed for whatever reason.

But it's also amazing how much I am craving to go back on antidepressants just so I can fit in and feel normal... so maybe I can stop looking at the way things are with disdain and frustration. I do need to do different things, get outside of myself a little - maybe volunteer somewhere. But I crave those 10 little milligrams to silence my internal critic.

Those same 10 mg that silenced my internal writer, those same 10mg that have the potential to silence my sex drive for life!! those same 10 mg that make my heart race in the middle of the night .... those same 10 mg that allow me to fit so effortlessly into the mold society has carved for me. Yea, those 10 mg.

I'll see how much longer I can go without them but I feel like the depression is back with a vengeance. I'll sit with it, let it take me farther, try to decipher what it's tryin to tell me ... and just before it takes me too far, I'll come back. I'll smile again, I'll care again, I'll buy thoughtful presents, I'll go out on weekends.

Maybe this is my fate?? There's gotta be more...

]]> ~Renee85 http://Renee85.deviantart.com/journal/28512043/ http://Renee85.deviantart.com/journal/28512043/ Sun, 22 Nov 2009 15:20:03 PST
Twin SIzed Bed - Death Cab for Cutie

You look so defeated lying there in your new twin size bed.
With a single pillow underneath your single head.
I guess you decided that that old queen holds more space than you would need.
Now it's in the alley behind your apartment with a sign that says it's free.

And I hope you have more luck with this than me.

You used to think that someone would come along.
And lay beside you in a space that they belong.
But the other side of the mattress and box springs stayed like new.
What's the point of holding onto what never gets used?

Other than a sick desire for self-abuse.

And I try not to worry, but you've got me terrified.
It's like your some kind of hurry to say goodbye, say goodbye, say goodbye.

You look so defeated lying there in your new twin size bed.
You look so defeated lying there in your new twin size bed.

]]> ~Renee85 http://Renee85.deviantart.com/journal/28511800/ http://Renee85.deviantart.com/journal/28511800/ Sun, 22 Nov 2009 15:09:15 PST
I'm not sure which side I'm waiting to be saved from... the internal critic side that wants me to be perfect or the side that is full of imperfection? I used to think I wanted someone to save me from my depression.

But now I think I just want someone to love me in spite of it, cause I can't see to do that myself yet .... but i'm trying.

]]> ~Renee85 http://Renee85.deviantart.com/journal/28279842/ http://Renee85.deviantart.com/journal/28279842/ Tue, 10 Nov 2009 20:28:02 PST
the sad truth is that i'm so afraid to feel pain that i'm not doing much feeling at all, which really hinders the writing folks - ya gots ta feel it to write it!! i don't let people in emotionally so easily because i know how fragile i really am. and who the fuck cares anyway?? my mom recently said that "perfectionism isn't something you fix, it' something you let go of." i am soooo ready to let go of this albatross of a character trait, but i probably have to embrace it first before i let go of it.

i want someone to witness me in all of my imperfect little glory. maybe he'll still think i'm cute... and if he doesn't then it "wasn't meant to be" as they say.

i need to have a little bit more courage and put myself on the line more so that my writing can be richer and more meaningful. it's so easy to write about life from the safety of a hiding spot ... but it's so much more meaningful to write about it from the driver's seat.

]]> ~Renee85 http://Renee85.deviantart.com/journal/27553485/ http://Renee85.deviantart.com/journal/27553485/ Sat, 03 Oct 2009 07:48:49 PDT
]]> ~Renee85 http://Renee85.deviantart.com/journal/26972777/ http://Renee85.deviantart.com/journal/26972777/ Wed, 02 Sep 2009 07:53:34 PDT
I write a blog for work and I've been using it as my excuse for not writing poems but I think I should can that excuse and get back in the game.

In all honesty, something is off - the words, the rhythm - it doesn't flow like it used to but I'm gonna take someone's advice and "write my way through the writer's block".

It might not be pretty, it might not even be cute, but by golly I'm gonna make it happen.

I'll also catch up on my deviations.

]]> ~Renee85 http://Renee85.deviantart.com/journal/26628108/ http://Renee85.deviantart.com/journal/26628108/ Sun, 16 Aug 2009 12:10:37 PDT
]]> ~Renee85 http://Renee85.deviantart.com/journal/26484066/ http://Renee85.deviantart.com/journal/26484066/ Sun, 09 Aug 2009 12:59:11 PDT You're no body till some body cares.
You may be king you may possess the world and its gold,
But gold won't bring you happiness when you're growing old.

The world still is the same, you never change it
As sure as the stars shine above
You're no body till some body loves you

So find yourself some body to love!

oh dean martin. i saw a broadway show many years ago called "Contact" and this was one of the main songs in it. I think it was the show that actually made the song so meaningful to me, but regardless Dean Martin's smooth voice sounds lovely.

God bless starbucks for its new gluten free cakes and for its ability to remove dairy from anything that I ask for :-p yums!

]]> ~Renee85 http://Renee85.deviantart.com/journal/26481882/ http://Renee85.deviantart.com/journal/26481882/ Sun, 09 Aug 2009 10:57:43 PDT portugal the man
lykke li
bat for lashes
we are scientists
of montreal

hmmm maybe i should have been at lollapalooza! lots of those artists were there.

but seriously the weepies are kind of under appreciated and same for portugal the man. if you like folk music check out the weepies... and im not really sure how i would classify portugal the man!!

]]> ~Renee85 http://Renee85.deviantart.com/journal/26432747/ http://Renee85.deviantart.com/journal/26432747/ Thu, 06 Aug 2009 21:18:24 PDT
]]> ~Renee85 http://Renee85.deviantart.com/journal/26409122/ http://Renee85.deviantart.com/journal/26409122/ Wed, 05 Aug 2009 18:45:12 PDT
but as i mentioned before....

"i'm not trying to burn that bridge - i'm just trying not to sleep with it!!!" i like to maintain friendships with people i was once fond of... why not?? i obviously saw something great in them at some point.

i've made my decision and i know it's in my best interest not to turn back. he's not mine to want.

now if i could find a more reliable/committal version of him ... i'd be really content. but to be honest, i'm just really happy that i met someone like him!!! in some way, it has made me more free than i have ever been. cheers to backs seats of cars and mud puddles!

thanks for that.

in other news, i can't get enough of of montreal's "wicked wisdom".

WHEN WE GET TOGETHER, IT'S ALWAYS HOT MAGIC

]]> ~Renee85 http://Renee85.deviantart.com/journal/26158640/ http://Renee85.deviantart.com/journal/26158640/ Fri, 24 Jul 2009 20:06:23 PDT 500 days of summer trailer

someday someone is going to make me somebody loved too!

... but only when I'm ready...

]]> ~Renee85 http://Renee85.deviantart.com/journal/26116036/ http://Renee85.deviantart.com/journal/26116036/ Wed, 22 Jul 2009 19:40:01 PDT
- do you ever think we'll know what it all means? or will we all just spend our lives wondering?

- i really wish i knew how to establish a formidable booty call, but at the same time i'm really glad that i can't.

- mark wahlberg is hott.

- i like indie music

- i want to make out with someone i like!!

- is it really that hard to figure out what we want from life? or do we really always know what we want it's just hard accepting the responsibility of what we want.

- i like gin and tonic.

- i like new age scientific thought... like the kind that thinks we're all connected and we're all one.

- we're all just star dust and this is true.

- i play favorites in this life.. and i have some favorite people in my life.

- i like independent films.

- you might like me if you got to know me

the end

]]> ~Renee85 http://Renee85.deviantart.com/journal/25993228/ http://Renee85.deviantart.com/journal/25993228/ Thu, 16 Jul 2009 19:47:29 PDT
So i started the gluten free thang in March and I was having awesome results... almost perfectly clear skin!! If I cheat even just a little bit.. my skin lets me know. Dairy does the same thing... a no dairy lifestyle also equals lovely skin.

The power to have clear skin is in my grasps. and I gotta go balls out on this one. I'll look better, i'll feel better, I'll have more energy.... but this is a big decision and not an easy one.

I skipped out on my date tonight because I had some gluten and dairy this week and my face is a mess... so trivial and superficial but it puts me in a bad mood and makes me feel insecure. I wanna give someone my better side. So unless I wanna be single and insecure for the rest of my life... I think this is a change that will be more than worth making.

Soon enough.

India Arie rocks. Her music is therapy to me. and i'm so excited that her and Musiq have a new song together... i hope they get married and make beautiful little spiritual babies.

]]> ~Renee85 http://Renee85.deviantart.com/journal/25917189/ http://Renee85.deviantart.com/journal/25917189/ Mon, 13 Jul 2009 10:13:04 PDT
If I were truly a drama free girl, I'd gladly accept love when it knocks on my door instead of chasing after difficult situations. That's drama.

I'm so scared of the stillness of balanced love... maybe I'm even uncomfortable with the stillness of my own life sometimes. Yet I can feel something in me desiring the stillness.

I'm at a tipping point again... moving away from who I was into something different, something hopefully even more enjoyable - although I have to admit I've been enjoying the journey lately more so than I ever have. I'm terrified of a solid reliable love - a love that doesn't necessarily revolve around intense physical desire but instead revolves around mutual respect and growth. But I feel myself wanting it more and more.

I've always wanted to fall in love with someone who is also my best friend ... but I've been working through a lot of issues to gain comfort with that which I seek.

So in short... save the drama for ya mama. I can be a balanced and grounded person - maybe even more so if I stop trying to be one. I need to trust that which is naturally within me these days. I swear I'm so afraid to let myself off of my leash... but I really think I'll be a good girl.

]]> ~Renee85 http://Renee85.deviantart.com/journal/25772121/ http://Renee85.deviantart.com/journal/25772121/ Mon, 06 Jul 2009 10:58:56 PDT
Les grands poètes et les grands artistes ont pour fonction de renouveler sans cesse l'apparence que revêt la nature aux yeux des hommes. Sans les poètes, sans les artistes les hommes s'ennuieraient vite de la monotonie naturelle. L'idée sublime qu'ils ont de l'univers retomberait avec une vitesse vertigineuse. L'ordre qui paraît dans la nature et qui n'est qu'un effet de l'art s'évanouirait aussitôt. Tout se déferait dans le chaos. Plus de saison, plus de vie même et l'impuissante obscurité règnerait à jamais. Les poètes et les artistes déterminent de concert la figure de leur éoque et docilement l'avenir se range à leur avis.[13]

(Great poets and great artists have the role of renewing ceaselessly the appearance with which the world is invested in the eyes of mankind. Without poets and without artists, men would swiftly become bored by the monotony of natural order. The sublime concept of the Universe which they have would collapse with headlong suddenness. The order which seems to exist in nature, and which is merely an effect of art, would simultaneously evaporate. Everything would be dissolved in chaos. No more seasons, no more life even, and impotent darkness would reign for all time. Poets and artists together define the character of their age, and what is to come pliantly disposes itself according to their precepts.)

]]> ~Renee85 http://Renee85.deviantart.com/journal/25639402/ http://Renee85.deviantart.com/journal/25639402/ Mon, 29 Jun 2009 21:28:16 PDT
i'm an aunt! woo hoo!!

i still haven't learned my lessons from the past all that well... thumbs down.

maybe it's just life's reminder of how much further i have to go????

i believe i have been sent here to learn how to "let go".

i love guitar class.

i love my cats.

for reasons beyond my knowledge, i carry around unnecessary amounts of guilt in my soul.

i believe i have been sent here to learn how to really love who i am.

i love getting to know people!!

i could listen to music 24-7 and probably feel satisfied.

i have a russian soulmate who really hit me with some honesty about my current lifestyle last night..... i agree with him 100%.

i feel out of control a lot, but really i just want to LET GO!!

i believe i have been sent here to learn the true meaning of freedom.

maybe, just maybe if i focus on the things that i'm truly passionate about ... those things that are higher than me... things will fall into place.

maybe things are never meant to fall into place??? a cell that reaches equilibrium is DEAD! maybe we're always supposed to just oscillate around equilibrium??

poems don't flow through my mind anymore ... but occasional prose does.

i like doing a particular activity at inappropriate times and in inappropriate places... it's not a bragging point. i should either accept that fact about myself, or stop doing it ... or better yet stop feeling guilty.

i don't care about conventional relationships ... but i'm not sure what i'm looking for. casual has lost its appeal.

i'm scared. A LOT. i'm afraid of public speaking, driving too fast, crowded places, roller coasters, heights, dying, sickness, freedom, my potential.

i'm actually really optimistic and i love people and believing in their potential.

i don't care about money and i think it shows in my bank account. but one of my favorite things to do is spend money so that people i care about can have a good time.

i'm awkward when it comes to affection, but i secretly love it and seek it.

i'm awkward about touching people in general.

i can be really selfish and childish when i'm drunk... i also tend to become mission-oriented and will do anything to accomplish my mission... even if it's something silly like deciding i want to go home.

apparently i'm severely allergic to gluten... my skin looks marvelous when i strictly avoid it.

i love acupuncture... it saves my life.

i think my parents are awesome and love to share them with the world.

i think when i learn to love myself, i'll be an awesome catch

i'm prone to depression.

my heart goes out to the under dogs and the weak.

i'm not all that religious, but my favorite prayer is the prayer of st. francis... beautiful! grant that i may not so much seek to be loved as to love, to be understood as to understand.

sometimes i think i should dedicate myself to some cause... even a spiritual one.

i still don't quite feel like i belong... but i feel like i do when i hang out with musical people.

i want a lover who is also my best friend & partner in crime who will love the world with me.

i'm. ridiculously. emotional. and. i. refuse. to. admit. it. and. let. it. show.

sometimes i wish i was a typical girl but whenever i act like one i hate to admit it. what's typical anyway?

i believe i was sent here to LEARN TO LET GO.

I BELIEVE I WAS SENT HERE TO LEARN TO LET GO!!!

meditation might help.

it's amazing how people can know what they should do, but it doesn't mean they'll do it.

why do we like to hurt so much? ~ paramore

my new neice has webbed toes like me!!

if i could offer her some advice it would be, "practice forgiveness with everyone, but especially with yourself." and of course, "laugh and laugh often".

i like to try to make everyone feel as normal as possible because i think we all are different variations of normal. i like to make people feel normal at my own expense.

my careless actions really hurt someone saturday night. i feel guilty but can't change the past.

i can't promise i won't do the same thing again the in future. what does that make me?

i've never done and will never do hardcore drugs... i already have a fear of them and i know that that fear will make bad things happen.

why do so many people live in fear?

what would happen if we were all free?

sigh.

i thin... ]]> ~Renee85 http://Renee85.deviantart.com/journal/25503399/ http://Renee85.deviantart.com/journal/25503399/ Tue, 23 Jun 2009 19:32:18 PDT
]]> ~Renee85 http://Renee85.deviantart.com/journal/25470074/ http://Renee85.deviantart.com/journal/25470074/ Mon, 22 Jun 2009 09:30:32 PDT
I know I'm far from a dating expert and my dating stats would gladly show that, but I'd rather be myself from day one. Obviously I don't talk about some gross things that I talk about with my girl friends or even guy friends whom I've been friends with for years, but I'd like to let the other person know what they're walking into from the start. This way, if they're not interested in who I really am then we can clear that up earlier rather than later when people's feelings might get hurt.

Besides, I like who I am these days and I'd want someone else to get to see that. And if you're open and honest from the start I think it encourages the other person to do the same.

It bothered me that people are out there telling other people not to be themselves in dating. Obviously there's some shyness in the beginning, but there's a difference between shyness and purposely hiding who you are because you want to suck the person in first and then BAM hit them with your true self!!

What a terribly deceitful strategy. I'd rather stay single for the rest of my life than participate in those games, thanks!

It's been raining in Philadelphia for almost 14 days straight now... I think the weather is getting to me!! Send some sunshine!

]]> ~Renee85 http://Renee85.deviantart.com/journal/25252053/ http://Renee85.deviantart.com/journal/25252053/ Thu, 11 Jun 2009 10:29:21 PDT
Promises by Badly Drawn Boy with lyrics

]]> ~Renee85 http://Renee85.deviantart.com/journal/24463103/ http://Renee85.deviantart.com/journal/24463103/ Mon, 27 Apr 2009 13:17:28 PDT I haven't met them yet,
But I'm quietly confident.
Although what if like he said
All I'm looking for
Doesn't exist.

Oh I have to believe it does.

]]> ~Renee85 http://Renee85.deviantart.com/journal/24383435/ http://Renee85.deviantart.com/journal/24383435/ Wed, 22 Apr 2009 18:53:31 PDT
I had a rough start to 2009 - running into old loves can set you back if you're not careful. Plus certain forms of birth control just do not do the emotions any kind of justice. But I survived into March and then another person who I didn't love, but really liked came back with a whole bunch of wonderful things to say and nice promises ... but no action. BAM another set back!! So the lesson is? Exercise caution with old loves! But these back to back situations have left me feeling pretty drained and bummed about love. It's kind of been the year of "almosts but not quites."

Maybe I should start being a "Yes man" like Jim Carey in that movie. I mean if I say yes to more things, I won't have time to sit here relying on my cats for affection hahahaah. I just need the courage to go it alone. Does everyone need a sidekick??

At least the weather's getting nicer and I'm doing my best to try to get a softball team together at work. Next step? I need to find people to cultivate musical talent with!!

]]> ~Renee85 http://Renee85.deviantart.com/journal/24330220/ http://Renee85.deviantart.com/journal/24330220/ Sun, 19 Apr 2009 17:07:39 PDT my legs can't carry the rest of me that far
dont worry you'll still be able to place me
to place me
you point your finger right on me

and all i want from you is love...

]]> ~Renee85 http://Renee85.deviantart.com/journal/24235951/ http://Renee85.deviantart.com/journal/24235951/ Tue, 14 Apr 2009 09:53:53 PDT
]]> ~Renee85 http://Renee85.deviantart.com/journal/24200530/ http://Renee85.deviantart.com/journal/24200530/ Sun, 12 Apr 2009 12:11:12 PDT
I would love to say more, but really that sums it up!!

The theme of 2009 should be "Man the f*ck up!"

]]> ~Renee85 http://Renee85.deviantart.com/journal/24020696/ http://Renee85.deviantart.com/journal/24020696/ Thu, 02 Apr 2009 09:55:14 PDT
I had a good week - I stood tall in the face of fear, that's always good. I went to hip hop dance class... exercise helps. I took a break from my second job and obsessively watched episodes of Buffy the Vampire slayer… I was so caught up that I forgot to watch LOST. Sometimes you come back to your favorite shows and you realize they weren’t all that good… but Buffy is still awesome in my eyes!! And her and Angel will forever be one of my favorite on screen couples. What can I say? I’m a sucker for impossible love. Hmm or I’m a sucker for bad guys with good souls? I think that’s more like it.

I met a bunch of awesome people over the weekend through my friend’s birthday party. He always parties with the most interesting people – all from different origins, yet all with incredibly open and often dirty minds. Yess my kind of people.

My new gluten-free diet is going semi-well. The whole eating lots of salad thing is nice on the waistline and I definitely feel more energetic. My skin? Hmm not so good these days… but it takes months for your body to adjust to a healthier lifestyle, have to undo all that damage. Plus I think tequila is my only truly gluten-free liquor option. I’ve heard other distilled liquors are okay, but I’m not so sure. BUT good lord!! I don’t know if I can start drinking tequila… that just sounds like a horrible idea. I should probably cut to the inevitable chase and give up drinking. I think I’ll wait until I’m 25.

Life loves me when I’m happy, and even when I’m not I feel like it always finds magical ways to cheer me up. I was pretty bummed after my Aunt Carm died and I think the winter blues were swallowing me whole. Then low and behold I get a ginkgo biloba tree in the mail from a best childhood friend, and random music magazines start showing up at my house. I’d like to think I have a secret watcher who is looking out for my happiness, but I think it’s more likely that my obsessive concert ticket buying and obsessive itunes downloading have somehow led to a free music magazine subscription. Regardless, the magazines had perfect timing.

I’ve realized that I would love to be a super chill girl and sometimes in my mind I think that I am. I don’t get mad that easily and even when I do I think I’m pretty good at not flying off the handle. But the truth is, I bite my nails, I fidget my legs, I have heart palpitations when I’m in crowded rooms… I get nervous before parties and long drives. I’m terrified of the feeling of “falling” like on a roller coaster. I obsess over health things, although mostly out of curiosity. I beat myself up over silly mistakes that everyone makes… like texting people who I “shouldn’t” – who cares right? So I’ve come to realize, that I’m a pretty damn anxious girl. But so what? I once read somewhere that courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than it. I love that quote!! I don’t want to let my anxieties take me away from enjoying life… nor do I want to beat myself up every time my heart beats a little too fast. I want to live in acceptance of it. I’m sure if I meditate and learn some more relaxing techniques or find a way to transmute my anxious energy into something else then it will become less intense.

I want to live in harmony with all of my weaknesses – be they emotions, foods, people, patterns of thought. I don’t think the secret is to abolish those things because in some way they are all related. My addictions to certain emotions, people, foods, etc – they are all still addictions to the core despite the different in type. Many things we find ourselves addicted to we cannot avoid. The alcoholic will always be inundated with advertisements for beer, or social events where some people will be drinking. He cannot avoid those things, he must learn to cultivate the strength to exist with them. Or maybe it’s like the fear quote, you give up your addictions when you gain the insight that there is something else more important than it.

Hmm I guess that’s why people are always talking about finding a cause greater than yourself, getting outside yourself (Einstein), believing in a higher power. If you find that cause, that passion, or that higher power, then you will always believe there is something greater than any of your “weaknesses” that is worth striving for.
Holla. Einstein was a smart man, wasn’t he? His quotes follow me everywhere.

]]> ~Renee85 http://Renee85.deviantart.com/journal/23846399/ http://Renee85.deviantart.com/journal/23846399/ Mon, 23 Mar 2009 10:10:07 PDT
I promise to look at deviations and have some thoughtful comments whenever I get back.

-Erin

]]> ~Renee85 http://Renee85.deviantart.com/journal/23823169/ http://Renee85.deviantart.com/journal/23823169/ Sat, 21 Mar 2009 23:03:29 PDT
I love the idea of waiting for someone else to come along and save you even though you know you have to save yourself in some way from most problems that you face. Not to say you have to do it alone, but we all have to save ourselves.

It's Not: I love the whole damn song but the ending always hits my heart the hardest.

People are tricky you can't afford to show
Anything risky anything they don't know
The moment you try, well kiss it goodbye

So baby kiss me like a drug like a respirator
And let me fall into the dream of the astronaut
Where I get lost in space that goes on forever
And you make all the rest just an afterthought
And I believe it's you who could make it better
But it's not.

Save Me: Love the repetition here...

If you could save me from the ranks of the freaks who suspect they could never love anyone except the freaks who suspect they could never love anyone but the freaks who suspect they could never love anyone.

Ahhh beautiful.

]]> ~Renee85 http://Renee85.deviantart.com/journal/23816594/ http://Renee85.deviantart.com/journal/23816594/ Sat, 21 Mar 2009 15:32:45 PDT
Aunt Carm taught me a lot along the way though and she will always be a part of who I am and my memories.

Aunt Carm taught me that "tables are for glasses not for asses".

Aunt Carm taught me that "weight broke the wagon wheels down" (everytime she would ask me to do something and I would say WAIT! she would respond with that).

Aunt Carm taught me that love knows no face. She loved to watch talk shows and whenever we would watch the interracial couples specials she would always say how it doesn't matter what color someone is, it's only important that you love them. (I thought this was great for a woman who was born in 1919).

Aunt Carm taught me that everyone deserves compassion ... even the crazy weirdos on Jerry Springer; as displayed by the fact that she would cry over the crazy nonsense on those shows.

Aunt Carm taught me to go with the flow. She always accepted everything that came her way from losing family members, to losing functioning in different parts of her body, to going into a nursing home. Aunt Carm always had an attitude of acceptance without complaint.

Aunt Carm taught me that love only becomes more important as you get older. As her years passed in the nursing home, she would tell me how much she missed her husband Johnny and how much she wished she just had him near to have someone to talk to. Maybe conversation is one of the most important parts of a relationship as our physical abilities become more limited.

Aunt Carm taught me that some pains in life you forget when she told me about having her children and how "childbirth is a pain that you forget" because all of the good memories cloud the painful ones.

Aunt Carm taught me that honesty won't always be appreciated, but most people will love you for it anyway. Aunt Carm was always bluntly honest to the point of sounding mean. "ie. You should have been born a boy" to me or "Do the mamogram places make machines for people with small boobs like you?" to my mom, or "Wow you look fatter than the last time I saw you" to one of my childhood friends.

Aunt Carm taught me to realize the silliness of thong underwear. The first time she saw a thong was when she was doing wash at my house when I was about 14 and she held the little string and said, "This wouldn't cover anything in your front!". Needless to say, her face was quite shocked when I told her the string went in the back - she called up her 80 year old friend to tell her about the new underwear that kids were into.

Maybe more to come...

]]> ~Renee85 http://Renee85.deviantart.com/journal/23796718/ http://Renee85.deviantart.com/journal/23796718/ Fri, 20 Mar 2009 13:16:54 PDT
If I hadn't made me
I would've been made somehow
If I hadn't assembled myself
I'dve fallen apart by now

If I hadn't made me
I'd be more inclined to bow
Powers that would have swallowed me up,
but thats more than I can allow
If you let them make you,
they'll make you paper-mache

At a distance your strong
until the wind comes,
then you crumble and blow away.
If you let them fuck you,
there will be no foreplay.

But rest assured
they'll screw you complete
'til your ass is blue and grey.

You should make amends with you.
If only for better health.
But if you really want to live,
why not try and Make Yourself?

If I hadn't made me
I'dve fallen apart by now
I wont let em' make me,
it's more than I can allow.

So when I make me
I wont be paper-mache.
And if I fuck me....
I'll fuck me in my own way.

You should make amends with you
If only for better health.
But if you really want to live,
why not try and Make Yourself?
Make Yourself.

]]> ~Renee85 http://Renee85.deviantart.com/journal/23792985/ http://Renee85.deviantart.com/journal/23792985/ Fri, 20 Mar 2009 08:13:05 PDT For lovely eyes, seek out the good in people.
For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry.
For beautiful hair, let a child run his fingers through it once a day.
For poise, walk with the knowledge you’ll never walk alone.
People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed and redeemed and redeemed and redeemed. Never throw out anybody. Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, you’ll find one at the end of your arm. As you grow older you will discover that you have two hands. One for helping yourself, the other for helping others.

]]> ~Renee85 http://Renee85.deviantart.com/journal/23716602/ http://Renee85.deviantart.com/journal/23716602/ Sun, 15 Mar 2009 17:10:46 PDT
I'm thinking for the new diet thing... I might make an online diary somewhere to help other people who are going through the same thing. That way, I don't have to go through it alone and I can let everyone know if it helps in case it might help them too.

I always forget that we don't have to necessarily go through things alone... and that's its probably best not to go through something alone if you don't have to.

I just always worry about being an extra burden on anyone, but HEY we're all in this together right?

]]> ~Renee85 http://Renee85.deviantart.com/journal/23715408/ http://Renee85.deviantart.com/journal/23715408/ Sun, 15 Mar 2009 16:08:34 PDT
I've been thinking a lot about some things, too much like usual, like silence and job hierarchy. Thinking about how leaving someone alone in silence can sometimes be worse than confronting a conflict . That sometimes the things you need to say are far less worse than what anyone's own insecurities could be saying inside their mind. I need to talk to a friend about his hurtful words but instead I'm ignoring him and I swore I would never do that to anyone because I HATE when it's done to me. HATE IT HATE IT HATE IT HATE IT!

It's one of those days where I want to go outside and scream "F*CK!" at the top of a large hill in the middle of nowhere.

At jobs, it seems that we just keep getting promoted and promoted until we are either not doing the original thing that we signed up for or we lose our competency - promoted to the point of incompetency. No, this hasn't happened to me, but I just feel like there are certain things in a job that in a job that I would love to do and I'd do them well. Everyone has those skills, so why make people spend a whole lot of time trying to turn their weaknesses into strengths instead of just taking their strengths and using those!

How much time and energy do we waste trying to become good at things that we will never become good at?? I've been trying to get over my fear of public speaking, and the more I try to more inadequate I feel - like I said, I take these "good efforts" and turn them into more ways to be hard on myself for not being perfect. And who really cares if I can't public speak anyway?? What will happen? I'll get asked to do some kind of public speaking and if I do it really poorly then I supposed they'll never ask me again. That would be a good thing, but I'd have to get through the horrible experience for them to realize that it's just not for me.

Sometimes I feel like I've made miles of progress and other days I feel like I've made miles of regress. Hopefully if I pair this new diet with acupuncture, the mood swings will diminish a bit. BUT IT'S MY MIND! It's a thought pattern... I keep myself in chains. I'm not horrible, I'm not unlovable, I'm not tragically defected, I'm not a faulty product. Words words words. Gotta love the human attachment to assigning labels. I love words and literature, but I want to be free of seeking definition.

I just want to be free.

]]> ~Renee85 http://Renee85.deviantart.com/journal/23665094/ http://Renee85.deviantart.com/journal/23665094/ Thu, 12 Mar 2009 18:14:01 PDT
I really want to give up drinking on the weekends. I don't drink EVERY weekend, but I usually go out at least one night. But I understand more and more why they call it "getting wasted". It's not you that is wasted, it's your time. You get wasted and don't remember the night and can never have it back, then the next day you waste time laying around trying to recover. WASTED. Can't think of a better word.

Anyways, I really liked this Murakami quote...

"Sometimes fate is like a small sandstorm that keeps changing directions. You change direction but the sandstorm chases you. You turn again, but the storm adjusts. Over and over you play this out, like some ominous dance with death just before dawn. Why? Because this storm isn't something that blew in from far away, something that has nothing to do with you. This storm is you. Something inside of you. So all you can do is give in to it, step right inside the storm, closing your eyes and plugging up your ears so the sand doesn't get in, and walk through it, step by step. There's no sun, no moon, no direction, no sense of time. Just fine white sand swirling up into the sky like pulverized bones."

~Kafka on the Shore

]]> ~Renee85 http://Renee85.deviantart.com/journal/23563152/ http://Renee85.deviantart.com/journal/23563152/ Fri, 06 Mar 2009 19:26:25 PST You sit around mopin'
Cryin' and cryin'
You say you`re even thinkin' about dyin'
Well, before you do anything rash, dig this

Everybody plays the fool sometime
There's no exception to the rule
Listen, baby, it may be factual, may be cruel
I ain't lyin', everybody plays the fool
Falling in love is such an easy thing to do
And there's no guarantee that the one you love
Is gonna love you

Oh-oh-oh, lovin' eyes they cannot see
A certain person could never be
Love runs deeper than any ocean
You can cloud your mind with emotion

Everybody plays the fool, sometime
There's no exception to the rule
Listen, baby, it may be factual, may be cruel
I want to tell ya
Everybody plays the fool

How can you help it when the music starts to play
And your ability to reason is swept away
Oh-oh-oh, heaven on earth is all you see
You're out of touch with reality
And now you cry but when you do
Next time around someone cries for you

Everybody plays the fool, sometime
They use your heart like a tool
Listen, baby, they never tell you so in school
I want to say it again
Everybody plays the fool
Listen to me, baby
Everybody plays the fool, sometime
(No exception) no exception to the rule
It may be factual, may be cruel, sometime
But everybody plays the fool
Listen, listen, baby
Everybody plays the fool

]]> ~Renee85 http://Renee85.deviantart.com/journal/23561186/ http://Renee85.deviantart.com/journal/23561186/ Fri, 06 Mar 2009 17:25:12 PST

They'll be what Hanson was to my generation, and what the Jonas brothers are to my little cousin's generation. But I could only hope that their songs are much deeper and I'll require that they extend beyond the realm of pop.

Yes indeed.

Three ambiguous strapping young lads.

Musical geniuses.

I have BGF's this weekend - bad girl feelings! RUH ROH!! Tomorrow night will be a party night - I'm not sure I remember how...

But I'll figure it out.

]]> ~Renee85 http://Renee85.deviantart.com/journal/23545621/ http://Renee85.deviantart.com/journal/23545621/ Thu, 05 Mar 2009 18:05:22 PST
Eh, what can you do? I'm lonely, but I want to be alone for now so that's a choice I'm making. Cats will suffice for now.

ON THAT NOTE! I've decided to stop feeling sorry for my single ass and enjoy the fact that I have no one to answer to but myself. See the reason this has not sufficed until now, is that apparently I had developed some kind of animosity towards myself over the years. Now that that's stopping... I'm gonna befriend myself!

And this means... I will be venturing to the movies by myself a lot because dammit I want to see more movies!! aND I'm not waiting around!!

]]> ~Renee85 http://Renee85.deviantart.com/journal/23496386/ http://Renee85.deviantart.com/journal/23496386/ Mon, 02 Mar 2009 18:53:55 PST
I was thinking about something my mom's friend said to her a long time ago... he said that people who work typical 9 to 5 jobs that involve a lot of mental energy are no better or worse than prostitutes - instead of selling their bodies they were selling their minds.

Are we all just selling ourselves in one way or another?? I wanna get all "Into the Wild" on the world sometimes - just up and be one with nature. But I do love my iPod... and music and movies and singing and warm beds and good food and good conversation and comfy clothes and deviantart and taking classes....

"Open up your arms and hold on to everything you own that owns you too. And just let it all go because that's all we can do." ~ Portugal the Man, Created.

]]> ~Renee85 http://Renee85.deviantart.com/journal/23343898/ http://Renee85.deviantart.com/journal/23343898/ Sun, 22 Feb 2009 13:30:13 PST
I think I deleted my myspace once and there have been days at a time where I turn off my phone. I think secretly I want someone/anyone to notice. I want someone/anyone to come over and say, "I know exactly how you feel" and then maybe we'll sit for hours and talk about life. I think there are much better ways to get attention though... and in all honesty, I don't think it's attention from other people that I really need.

The crazy thing about this feeling is that when I actually do start to feel like I'm successfully falling off the face of the earth, it doesn't feel as satisfying as I had hoped. When I turn my phone back on and realize there are no missed calls or messages... I'm lonelier than when I had started out.

I temporarily feel like I'm falling apart again, and it's okay I'm not gonna stop it this time. I want to be real and human, I'm tired of feeling like I can't let the world see when I'm having a bad day. My life is wonderful I've really got nothing to complain about, but there is sadness in me and I'm gonna cry it out and it's all okay.

Float on good news is on the way.

]]> ~Renee85 http://Renee85.deviantart.com/journal/23296325/ http://Renee85.deviantart.com/journal/23296325/ Thu, 19 Feb 2009 20:07:51 PST
Facebook used to be so much fun until I began caring what people thought and how professional it looked. Is that a metaphor for life??

Really, who are we all trying to save face for??? Even if I had any desire to be president, I want the world to know that I keeps it real son.

Holla.

]]> ~Renee85 http://Renee85.deviantart.com/journal/23259625/ http://Renee85.deviantart.com/journal/23259625/ Tue, 17 Feb 2009 18:40:13 PST
After telling a friend how shitty it feels to hear the truth of things that other people say about you and how I'd rather not know them, he blurts out, "Haha back in the day such and such called you a butter face... everything looks good but her face." My ego sank into my stomach and tears welled up in my eyes. I mean I've never paraded around calling myself a pretty girl - I think I'm more like one of those people who has potential and can look cute at times. I felt like it was a test to see how far I came in loving myself and it had mixed results. I went home and cried myself to sleep but at the same time I actually really disagreed with what was said. Granted I think it was said several years ago and I've had some goofy looking phases growing up, but I genuinely don't think I'm horribly unattractive.

I think it's so awful to make anyone feel unattractive and I try so hard not to do that because I know how it feels. I always imagine how I feel when my face is breaking out really bad and how it makes me not want to talk to anyone ... so I can't imagine waking up every single day feeling unattractive - especially since there's so much more to offer personality wise.

I just got out of a weird phase in which I felt like I really wanted to be in a relationship then I stepped back to look at where I'm at in my own life. Honestly, I still wouldn't feel comfortable waking up next to someone without make up and I would like to start running to get my body toned up again. I struggled with feeling silly about that since those are physical things, but if they affect my self-esteem then it goes a lot deeper and it's worth fixing. It feels so good to be in a relationship when you feel good about yourself; it makes the relationship work a lot smoother too because you don't need or rely on the other person too much when you are self sufficient.

I honestly had no idea how bad my self esteem had become until I started analyzing my thoughts. I really think somewhere deep down in my subconscious I didn't feel worthy or deserving of anyone's love because I can't be "perfect" for them. Yikes I'm a head case sometimes... but I know if I go inwards and build up my confidence I'll find something so much more real than I ever would right now.

And we come back to the phrase that you can't love another until you love yourself. Oh I beg to differ, but I don't think you can truly let someone love YOU until you love yourself... so then you're only doomed to a life of unrequited love if you don't love yourself cause you'll only chase after people who aren't gonna chase after you cause if they did chase after you you'd be like "what the hell why do you love someone like me!?" and then you'd move on to someone new who shows no interest. It's a vicious cycle!!!! AND IT WILL STOP.

]]> ~Renee85 http://Renee85.deviantart.com/journal/23108777/ http://Renee85.deviantart.com/journal/23108777/ Mon, 09 Feb 2009 18:16:49 PST
Maybe I'm gross but progressing to the level of free-form farts can be a really nice thing hahahaha! I guess what it is is just knowing someone so well and feeling like you can be your complete goofy self around them.

Anyways, I like this dialogue and I like the couple in this movie.

]]> ~Renee85 http://Renee85.deviantart.com/journal/23071985/ http://Renee85.deviantart.com/journal/23071985/ Sat, 07 Feb 2009 22:56:18 PST
I think it's so strange how when you love the same person for so long that eventually it's almost as if you're immune to their actions. You don't even feel whether or not their actions break your heart anymore because it's been so long. What once took months to heal soon takes weeks and eventually days and you wonder how you became so skilled at accepting heartbreak?

Ah well. Such is life, I move on at rapid speeds now - I just hope it never seems like I didn't truly care about the person whom I card so much about. I found that girls often underestimate how much a guy likes them. We like to err on the side of caution and so we always assume that we like you more than you like us (I've had this confirmed by multiple sources) so on the same note we assume that you can hurt us much more than we could ever hurt you.

I don't move on because I want to particularly move on, I do it out of necessity because I think it's what you want me to do - because it's what you always say - so I do it, and I do it fairly well and easily. It doesn't always develop into something serious (in fact, I'd say most times it doesn't), but it could. I'm always aware of possibility.

That's all I've got for now.

]]> ~Renee85 http://Renee85.deviantart.com/journal/22933017/ http://Renee85.deviantart.com/journal/22933017/ Sat, 31 Jan 2009 23:22:36 PST
ps. There's not much on here about family and friends... because I think those things are more obvious. I love my family and friends, and really appreciate the fact that they stuck with me through hard times. I think they're all so talented and have beautiful minds, ideas, and funny (albeit corny sometimes!) jokes. I've been blessed.

1. I probably should have been a goth chick at one point in my life, and as of lately it tends to show.
2. On that note, I'm secretly obsessed with vampires and underworld type stuff. One of my favorite on-screen couples of all time were Buffy and Angel as portrayed by Michelle Gellar and David B.
3. I wish I could have tons of piercings but my body doesn't seem to like any kind of metal in it... and so the piercings never heal.
4. Changing my hair color is my own personal metaphor for entering a new phase in my life, regardless of whether or not anything changes. In other words, I change my hair when I want something different in my life.
5. I'm lactose intolerant... and I will suffer if I disobey that rule (which I do every now and then... c'mon pizza is freaking great!!)
6. I love burritos!!
7. I love cilantro!!
8. I sleep with socks on almost every night and I feel incredibly naked without them.
9. I still sleep with a light on sometimes because I hate waking up in the dark from a nightmare.
10. I still consider becoming a sexologist some day.
11. Glass is my favorite art medium, mostly because I love the way it catches the light.
12. Despite my best efforts, I'm not only capable but also willing to endure one-sided love. One day this won't be so... but at the same time it has given me hope that I will someday be able to endure a relationship (maybe marriage) through the good and the bad times.
13. Some days I am hit by an existential angst truck... and I get stuck wondering why were here, what's the purpose, etc etc. Those days are the hardest to endure sometimes.
14. I have a yellow strand in my left eye, hidden amongst the blue.
15. I have webbed toes... my second and middle toes are connected like twins. It made it hard to play "This little piggy" when i was really little. Now that I'm older the webbing is less... and they look more like twins.
16. I listen to music so loud that I know it will one day result in my deafness, but I love to drown in the sounds.
17. I love games like laser tag, house of the dead, (probably paint ball though i've never been).... shooter games where you're not actually killing other people (killing the undead doesn't count!).
18. I'm addicted to the computer ... I also get addicted to texting/conversation/downloading music/people etc etc. Maybe this one should just say that I have an addictive personality.
19. I freaking love breakfast... especially eating it at inappropriate times!
20. Babies scared me until I was like 20... when one day I found myself in the super market wanting to have babies. It was a scary moment, realizing that biology (maternal instinct) had taken supremacy over my own personal uneasiness with little children. I'm mostly scared that I will hurt them by accident and I'm not a big fan of loud screaming... but it's something I'm willing to get used to someday.
21. If I could spend every waking hour of my life singing songs, I would.
22. The thing that I miss most about childhood is having someone knock for me without calling first. I miss random unannounced visits of friends!
23. I was a candy addict as a child, but now I can't really stand it. It hurts my teeth and makes me feel crappy ... except for chocolate (see number 24)
24. When I'm not dating/seeing/hooking up with anyone, chocolate comforts me in ways that I can't even describe. Otherwise, chocolate falls into the same category as the rest of candy (see number 23).
25. I'm musically psychic. Sometimes I'll fall in love with a song for no reason, only to find a few years down the line that it is incredibly applicable to my life. Unfortunately, I'm obsessed with Death Cab for Cutie's "What Sarah Said" right now... w... ]]> ~Renee85 http://Renee85.deviantart.com/journal/22922085/ http://Renee85.deviantart.com/journal/22922085/ Sat, 31 Jan 2009 11:37:31 PST
I heard the video sucks but here it is so you can give it a listen if you so wish.

There's blood in my mouth 'cause I've been biting my tongue all week
I keep on talkin' trash but I never say anything
And the talkin' leads to touchin'
and the touchin' leads to sex
and then there is no mystery left

And It's bad news
Baby I'm bad news
I'm just bad news, bad news, bad news

I know I'm alone if I'm with or without you
but just bein' around you offers me another form of relief
When the loneliness leads to bad dreams
and the bad dreams lead me to callin' you
and I call you and say "C'MERE!"

And it's bad news
Baby I'm bad news
I'm just bad news, bad news, bad news

And it's bad news
Baby it's bad news
It's just bad news, bad news, bad news

'Cause you're just damage control
for a walking corpse like me - like you

'Cause we'll all be
Portions for foxes
Yeah we'll all be
Portions for foxes

There's a pretty young thing in front of you
and she's real pretty and she's real into you
and then she's sleepin' inside of you
and the talkin' leads to touchin'
then touchin' leads to sex
and then there is no mystery left

And it's bad news
I don't blame you
I do the same thing
I get lonely too

And you're bad news
My friends tell me to leave you
That you're bad news, bad news, bad news

That you're bad news
Baby you're bad news
and you're bad news
Baby you're bad news
and you're bad news
I don't care I like you
and you're bad news
I don't care I like you
I like you

]]> ~Renee85 http://Renee85.deviantart.com/journal/22921881/ http://Renee85.deviantart.com/journal/22921881/ Sat, 31 Jan 2009 11:25:02 PST
And I just realized V for Vendetta is one of my favorite movies... "A revolution without dancing is a revolution not worth having."

Sighhh...... I'm such a sucker for movies with revolutions and impossible loves.

Also, I was reading through a book last night called "I love geeks" and I realized that it's true, I do love them. I was also shocked at how many of the words and concepts I knew... I am but a geek myself. I don't really like labels though cause it's just another thing for the ego to identify with.. but oh well. It suffices for now, I'm a geek!

]]> ~Renee85 http://Renee85.deviantart.com/journal/22893464/ http://Renee85.deviantart.com/journal/22893464/ Thu, 29 Jan 2009 20:03:35 PST
Also, I am a sucker for hats, guitars, and creative men.

]]> ~Renee85 http://Renee85.deviantart.com/journal/22875510/ http://Renee85.deviantart.com/journal/22875510/ Wed, 28 Jan 2009 21:22:02 PST
Here's a glimpse:
You touched my heart you touched my soul
You changed my life and all my goals
And love is blind and that I knew when
My heart was blinded by you
I've kissed your lips and held your head
Shared your dreams and shared your bed
I know you well, I know your smell
I've been addicted to you

Goodbye my lover
Goodbye my friend
You have been the one
You have been the one for me

The breaking point is at the end when James Blunt goes into a big wah-fest of singing "I'm so hollow baby, I'm soooo hollow". Anyway, anytime she picks me up anymore that song is like on permanent replay in her car for the past year. So what can you do when you're addicted to someone? I think that's such a strong word, but really I think that's what it is when you have strong feelings for the same person for such a long time.

What would be my ideal situation?? I guess there are always several situations that would be ideal. Obviously situation one would involve having the person who you love, love you back. Situation number two would involve your own feelings dissipating into a level so that you can actually handle a friendship with someone who you care so much about and don't really want them out of your life. Situation three is something like a compromise... where maybe you only see that person a few times a year because that's all you can handle while you sort out your heart. And finally, the last situation would seem to be no contact at all and you both go about your lives without each other. Is that it?? Am I missing anything??

When you wish the best for someone and you know they wish the best for you... what oh what do you do.

No one can ever answer me... what is letting go!? Is it cutting yourself off completely or is it learning to live in peace with your feelings for someone while they are still present in your life??

I'm so hard on myself and I always feel like such a tool or psycho with my incessant emailing/texting/letter writing but I guess I analyze my mental states and emotions so much that there's just always more for me to say but eventually I have to say enough is enough. Then I hear stories about people hurting themselves/others/breaking shit/laying down in front of car tires - all that dramatic stuff and I realize I'm pretty normal to an extent. Save the drama for ya mama.

One day, someone will find it all endearing and they'll love my tendency to make a mental mess in my head - ya know, they'll find it cute or something and be like awwww she's so tragically flawed. It's cool though, last night I came to peace with myself realizing that now is not the time for a love search... who would have thought improving yourself could take so long?? But in retrospect, when you lived in depression for like 7 years straight... it takes some time to rebuild yourself to a healthy level!! And with that, I go work on loving myself and loving life and all loving the beauty in humanity and all other kinds of love will just have to take a back seat. So ya know what James Blunt?????? WAH!!!!!!

]]> ~Renee85 http://Renee85.deviantart.com/journal/22850691/ http://Renee85.deviantart.com/journal/22850691/ Tue, 27 Jan 2009 18:58:54 PST
I'm thinking the art classes will really help with my new found incredible loneliness. I have a strong feeling that the times in life when we REALLY don't want to be alone are often the times that we need to be alone most. I need to sit with it, get used to it. Being alone doesn't have to be loneliness, but it does mean that for me lately for whatever reasons.

Ya know how they say that you always find someone when you're not looking or you least expect it? I wouldn't say I'm looking for a relationship, but I'm definitely relying way too heavily on other people to fill my lonely voids. Crazy huh?

I start glass class in February so I'll be taking 3 art classes at once... that's three different creative outlets and I feel like each class offers a different form of expression. Photoshop has the digital creativity, ceramics is the hands-on type stuff, and glass is hands-on too but I love glass as a medium. I've wanted to take a glass class for a long time now. I love how translucent it is, and how it catches light... it's kinda cool because it's so fragile too.

... and then there's the guitar and piano who hopefully wont be neglected so much in the future. Like my quote says, "I wanna fall in love with music and make love to art though they've no arms to hold me, they know my heart."

]]> ~Renee85 http://Renee85.deviantart.com/journal/22822392/ http://Renee85.deviantart.com/journal/22822392/ Mon, 26 Jan 2009 12:06:55 PST
This morning my mom drove me into work and she starts talking about an article that she came across. The article warned women of becoming too efficient in a relationship to the point where they take on both their own role as woman and the man role of initiator. Women start to call the shots, make the dates, etc etc. As a result, (the article says) the man becomes lazy and lax and feels like he no longer has to pursue her. Ok, agreed that a relationship should strive towards equilibrium. As a fix for this, the article suggests that the woman start taking more interest in her self and ignore the man somewhat so that he’ll give her attention again. That makes me mad in a way because it sounds like a game.

I don’t want to ignore people or find other hobbies just so guys will give me more attention. I want to become so enthralled and excited about my own life that the ignoring will just happen unintentionally. When you’re ignoring someone consciously and intentionally in a relationship/situation, I feel like that gets too much into game territory for my liking.

It’s been known to me that I need to work on the “being less available” thing. I’ve got great conversational skills and it’s easy for me to meet new people, but it’s not as easy for me to keep it going from that point. I don’t wait for guys to call me all the time, I certainly don’t wait to make the first move physically. Emotionally, I’ve been known to wait and even as far as affection goes I like to wait for someone else to become affectionate before I throw it out there. So how do I come off to people I wonder? As some girl who is not afraid to initiate conversation, not afraid to initiate physical things, entirely to eager to get to know someone and to do nice things for them yet afraid to display affection and emotions fully. LOL I’m a head case sometimes I swear.

I’ve got passions and hobbies, but I also keep coming back to this discomfort with being alone which really didn’t develop until I was a teenager. I know I could use some self work and I really think if you’re truly happy with yourself you won’t need to play a god damn game. Down with games! Up with honesty!

The funny thing about honesty though is that sometimes your mind changes so much that if you say what you’re thinking all the time you sound crazy – or maybe that’s just me? Someone once said that he thinks so much that he often has opposing views of the same topic… and the moment I read what he said, I felt less alone in my own existence. But maybe he and I were just two nuts in the same shell.

And when it comes down to it... I don't think I'd want to be with the kind of person who would need me to play games. My friend brought up a good point that the kind of people who need games are still caught up in their mind/ego. Obviously I am too, but I'm at the very least trying to make peace with my mind.

Sometimes I think I'm entirely too self aware for my own good... or better yet I just haven't learned to use it for my own good yet. Instead I feel every passing emotion, thought, physiological response and I try to analyze it, and that my friends, is a great way to go crazy.

On the note of going crazy, sometimes I think a "mental breakdown" is really just the ego's last "Hoorah". Sometimes going crazy seems to me a result of trying to dissolve the ego. Because we identify so strongly with it, when it starts to dissipate it feels like madness. Just my take on it.

In the words of one of my dad's favorite artists (waylon jennings) "I may be crazy but it keeps me from going insane."

]]> ~Renee85 http://Renee85.deviantart.com/journal/22808401/ http://Renee85.deviantart.com/journal/22808401/ Sun, 25 Jan 2009 17:03:59 PST
I dumped the rules because I realized that I usually break them anyway... and I had the thought that maybe it's because I set SO many rules, that I can't seem to follow any of them. What's the point of rules anyway?

I know there's dangerous lines of overindulgence and I shouldn't throw out self control completely... but whenever I set a rule and break it I feel so guilty and I'm tired of that. If I'm just going to break the rules anyway, why not set myself free?

Maybe if I ease up on myself my inner desires and choices will start aligning. I have a horrible habit of looking at everything as black and white when I logically know that there's a world of gray and magnificent color out there!!

Makes sense... I read somewhere that people who are prone to depression tend to have an "all or nothing" kind of mind. Reality isn't really all or nothing... O-Town was wrong.

]]> ~Renee85 http://Renee85.deviantart.com/journal/22755855/ http://Renee85.deviantart.com/journal/22755855/ Fri, 23 Jan 2009 09:18:35 PST
I'd much rather learn to harness the complete peace than constantly throwing myself into cognitive overload to be able to write.

And I'd really truly like to befriend my mind instead of constantly trying to battle it. Is it the part that tries to keep me on a leash? Sometimes I'm not sure which part of me is mind, and which part is higher reasoning.

I'm listening to solo whisperings on iTunes radio... and I swear the piano takes me to a completely different place. It has such power to move me.

]]> ~Renee85 http://Renee85.deviantart.com/journal/22745637/ http://Renee85.deviantart.com/journal/22745637/ Thu, 22 Jan 2009 19:32:51 PST
And then other times I relive similar situations with different people so you never really know who I'm writing about now do you???

I have a sick penchant for remembering dates and birthdays. Even if I don't want to, it's like numbers burn themselves into my long-term memory. It's the worst too when I memorize a number!! I did it by accident recently because someone's number was a mixture of two of my best friends...

I'm also obsessed with dispersing information. So even when I think "oh i don't want to text this person" ... I will if I find something in my life that is relevant to their life. And if it's someones birthday, I will feel compelled to text despite my best efforts (I'm fighting the urge right now). No matter how much I set up these rules of living for myself, in the end I usually think they're pretty stupid. In fact, I think most of my problems are BECAUSE I set up stupid rules for myself that I have no desire or intention to follow.


I feel so out of control in a way lately, but sort of in a healthy free way, but there's a slight twinge of insanity in the mix, maybe a dash of addictive personality emerging. I think I know what I lost, and what I'm trying so desperately to replace. It's conversation, I know it. Because of life events and because of my current living situation and full-time job, I've lost that constant conversational fill that I used to get all the time.

In college, I was always online talking to at least one person in an in depth convo and I shared a room so I was never at a loss for conversation. Now I feel like I'm DESPERATELY seeking it... that's right, DESPERATELY. But i feel like most things in life are like water.. when you try to grab it in your hands it just slips right out, but when you hold it gently and patiently it will stay.

I don't know. Maybe I'm still looking for someone to light my fire ... I feel at the very least that I have done a good job of STARTING a fire inside me... but maybe I just want someone to come along and make an inferno. I want someone to come along and throw books at me and indie films and crazy music (figuratively of course, although literally would be funny). I want a constant source of writing inspiration, I want DIALOGUE.

I've got high hopes... like that silly old ant in the frank sinatra song. I've got high apple pie in the sky.

But is conversation what I need or do I need to still my mind? And shouldn't I make my own inferno??? Should I be waiting around for some hero or lover or idol to fan my flames??

I just don't know... I feel like a crack addict. Is it possible to be addicted to conversation??

]]> ~Renee85 http://Renee85.deviantart.com/journal/22703003/ http://Renee85.deviantart.com/journal/22703003/ Tue, 20 Jan 2009 20:09:37 PST
In some way, I know the difference between a truly good song and one that I just like for the melody or for the cheesy lyrics. If I'm in a bad mood, pop music/mainstream/anything with fast non-complicated lyrics makes me feel good. Bad moods don't want to be accompanied by complicated thought provoking songs. I know not all rap has non-complicated lyrics... but I'm talking mainstream here. Sometimes on a bad day, I just wanna sing about money, cash, and hoes - is that a crime?

Here are my favorite lines from some of my cheesy songs (some are just plain good) as I'm listening to them. Excuse misunderstood lyrics, I'm typing as they sing:

"She's the one for me and I just can't live without her my arms belong around her and I'm so glad I found her once again... Gazing at the ceiling as we entertain our feelings in the dark. The things that were afraid of have got to show us what we're made of in the end... She likes me for me" ~ Blessed Union of Souls

"She calls me from the cold just when I was low feeling short of stable. All that she intends and all she keeps inside isn't on the label ... She says that love is for fools that fall behind. Well I'm somewhere between, I never really know a killer from a savior til I break at the bend." - Fuel

"She's not crazy knock on wood just a little misunderstood. Takes a walk at 4am wakes the neighborhood again." ~ Better than Ezra

"My hopes are so high that your kiss might kill me. So won't you kill me so I die happy. My heart is yours to fill or burst to break or bury or wear as jewelry whichever you prefer.... Just lay entwined here undiscovered. Safe in here from all the stupid questions hey did you get some man that is so dumb. Stay quiet stay near stay close they can't here... so we can get some." ~ Dashboard

"And all the road we have to walk are winding and all the lights that lead us there are blinding and there are many things that I would like to say to you but I don't know how... Because maybe you're gonna be the one that saves me." ~Oasis

"Until the day I die, I'll spill my heart for you. As years go by, I race the clock with you, but if you die right now you know that I'd die too. I'd die too. You remind me of the times when I knew who I was but still the second hand will catch us like it always does... We'll make the same mistakes I'll take the fall for you. I hope you need this now cause I know I still do." ~Story of the Year

"People are tricky you can't afford to show, anything risky anything they don't know. The moment you try well kiss it goodbye... So baby kiss me like a drug like a respirator and let me fall into the dream of the astronaut where I get lost in space that goes on forever and you make all the rest just an afterthought. And I believe its you who could make it better, but it's not." ~Aimee Mann

"I know you sexualize me like a young thing would and I think I like ya. OOOO this could get messy but oooo you don't seem to mind and ooo don't go telling everybody and overlook this supposed crime. We'll fast foward to a few years later and no one knows except the both of us. I've more than honored your request for silence and you've washed your hands clean of this." ~Alanis Morisette

"All the nights we stayed up talking listening to 80s songs and quoting lines from all those movies that we loved, It still brings a smile to my face. I guess when it comes down to it... Being grown up isn't half as fun as growing up. These are the best days of our lives. The only thing that matters is just following your heart and eventually you'll finally get it right." ~ The Ataris

"You write such pretty words but life's no storybook. Love's an excuse to get hurt and to hurt... do you like to hurt? I do I do then hurt meeeee." ~ Bright Eyes (ok this one is sad but it's still an awesome part)

"Do you remember all our love? Do you get back from what you gave? I see some symptoms of a past that you forgave. You never were expendable you always made me feel alive and now we're in the middle of a transition in our lives... do you feel singled out? Do you feel less than all the rest you know it's interchangeable - the spotlight and the pain. I wanna get on top of this, I wanna build that trust again and if I give it all I got I'm sure you'd do the same... I cannot face the fear in this I see a place for you and I. We can make the most of it cause our passion never dies and if you don't believe in me . I choose a path and change your mind and you can take me to your room or wherever you may hide." ~Buckcherry

"Hoping for the best just hoping nothing happens a thousand clever lines... ]]> ~Renee85 http://Renee85.deviantart.com/journal/22636863/ http://Renee85.deviantart.com/journal/22636863/ Sat, 17 Jan 2009 16:03:39 PST
i watched what the bleep do we know... definitely good stuff. looking forward to watching more movies that make me think!!

loving that i got my old laptop working so that i can revel in old music.

sometimes it just feels good to know all the words.

]]> ~Renee85 http://Renee85.deviantart.com/journal/22622125/ http://Renee85.deviantart.com/journal/22622125/ Fri, 16 Jan 2009 20:08:31 PST
Why you may ask? Mainly because I love the depth of dialogue and bantor that frovers have as opposed to regular lovers. Thinks like the Notebook are cutesy and romantic, but I'd take a good inside joke over a romantic dinner any day.

But that's not what I wanted to write about, not tonight. In the movie, Diane Keaton is a playwright and she uses a lot of the dialogue that develops between her and Jack Nicholson as fodder for her current play. And suddenly I thought of the dangers of stirring the heart of a writer!! How many people wake up to find poems/stories/songs written about them the next day on deviantart!!

It's kind of hilarious... I hope I stir the heart of a writer at some point in my life. But you just have to hope you stir it the right way... or otherwise you might end up immortalized in writing as a heartbreaking asshole.

I've been a lucky girl. I've had my heart broken , but never by an asshole. And I must say that my heart break has always made me feel alive and reminded me that I am capable of loving deeply.

Now I want to write a poem about what it's like to stir the heart of a writer... but we'll see I'm pretty tired tonight.

]]> ~Renee85 http://Renee85.deviantart.com/journal/22594817/ http://Renee85.deviantart.com/journal/22594817/ Thu, 15 Jan 2009 12:02:38 PST What the Bleep do We Know?

Check out the trailer, although individual clips are on YouTube. I'm finally gonna join the land of Netflix I think just so I can watch this. I really have no other reason for not joining Netflix, other than my own shear laziness.

This clip in particular got me thinking about how our habits become hard wired into our brains... but that it is in our power to rewire. Of course rewiring requires deep awareness so that you can catch your mind in the middle of it's usual routines!

And yet again with this movie... I always come back to quantum physics and neuroscience.

]]> ~Renee85 http://Renee85.deviantart.com/journal/22340887/ http://Renee85.deviantart.com/journal/22340887/ Thu, 01 Jan 2009 19:41:14 PST
-Deathcab for Cutie "What Sarah Said"


... Love is watching someone die.

So who's gonna watch you die???

]]> ~Renee85 http://Renee85.deviantart.com/journal/22099710/ http://Renee85.deviantart.com/journal/22099710/ Sun, 21 Dec 2008 09:45:45 PST
This is more than writers block, this is like lack of writing completely!! I've been reading a lot about the various faculties of the human mind - things like will power and mental energy... and it seems like both things come from a limited resource unless you learn to tap into the vast supply of energy in the universe.

Maybe my writing abilities are also limited and because I've been blogging so much for work I don't hear the poems like I used to.

]]> ~Renee85