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]]> ~Rocker-Trancer-Poet http://Rocker-Trancer-Poet.deviantart.com/journal/6519624/ http://Rocker-Trancer-Poet.deviantart.com/journal/6519624/ Fri, 16 Sep 2005 11:11:17 PDT [link] . It's going to involve the poetry I'm also going to have to write for that class (no problem, that's what I do) as well as samples of my work and reflections on my experiences in the class, etc. I intend to make it somewhat self-expressive, as well. It's a realy cool assignment, so check it out. You might even learn something. ]]> ~Rocker-Trancer-Poet http://Rocker-Trancer-Poet.deviantart.com/journal/6217006/ http://Rocker-Trancer-Poet.deviantart.com/journal/6217006/ Sat, 13 Aug 2005 14:08:58 PDT
Harry Potter and the...
--Sorcerer's Stone
--Chamber of Secrets
--Prisoner of Azkaban
--Goblet of Fire
--Order of the Phoenix
--Half-Blood Prince
...by J.K. Rowling

The Purpose-Driven Life by Rick Warren
Women of Genesis: Sarah by Orson Scott Card
Stranger in a Strange Land by Robert Heinlen
On Bullshit by Harry G. Frankfurt
Good Omens by Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett
Dark Dreams by Roy Hazelwood and Stephen G. Michaud
The Unknown Darkness by Gregg O. McCrary w/Katherine Ramsland, PH.D
The Color of Magic by Terry Pratchett
A Taste of Crimson by Marjorie M. Liu
Jonathan Livingston Seagull by Richard Bach
The Light Fantastic by Terry Pratchett

And in the Bible:

The Book of...
Matthew
Mark
Luke
John
Acts
Romans
1 Corinthians
2 Corinthians
Galatians
Ephesians
Philippians
Colossians ]]> ~Rocker-Trancer-Poet http://Rocker-Trancer-Poet.deviantart.com/journal/5386946/ http://Rocker-Trancer-Poet.deviantart.com/journal/5386946/ Tue, 17 May 2005 20:48:17 PDT She emerges from the waters shaking, naked...a gasping Aphrodite, learning once more to breathe the elusive, cold air that is inherent to the above-ground...Her breath slows; she murmurs the name of her distant lover, and gazes upon the shores on which she was born as though they are new and strange to her...she takes a step toward them, water dripping from every curve of a body that--although beautiful--appears as though it has been taken apart and put back together again, and not in exactly the right way...

I have returned. College was educational, although the greatest thing it has taught me is that there are even fewer people in this part of the world that think the way that I do than even in P-town high school. Non-conformity for me has ceased to be a buzzword for taunting the other half with a new set of clothing and a seperate sheep-herd all your own, and instead has become a desperate thrashing of survival. I've learned that men can be crueler than I had previously dreamed, and that it only takes one to treat you the way you deserve. I have learned that I have been quite deceived about certain things my entire life, and that this world...particularly this country...more particularly this area, is seriously screwed up. I have learned that there are great things that are more than worth making one's way through this warzone to find, but I have learned to be truly afraid. Things are hardly what they at first seemed to be...

Ask me what you wish. I continue to move on. ]]> ~Rocker-Trancer-Poet http://Rocker-Trancer-Poet.deviantart.com/journal/4148290/ http://Rocker-Trancer-Poet.deviantart.com/journal/4148290/ Fri, 24 Dec 2004 18:27:06 PST
[link]

And just so you know, my Zenis is a black amorphous bean bag blob, nothing more. Yes, I am indeed insane.

Btw, comment and leave your score. The scoreboard on the quiz doesn't seem to be working. Thanx.

]]> ~Rocker-Trancer-Poet http://Rocker-Trancer-Poet.deviantart.com/journal/3618402/ http://Rocker-Trancer-Poet.deviantart.com/journal/3618402/ Sun, 14 Nov 2004 08:20:48 PST positive traits about me... the ones I am slowly, through 2 1/2 hours of therapy a week, beginning to acknowledge. So, yes, this will be a work in progress, and while we today have for you TWO WHOLE items I have come to terms with, I may later on provide a seperate section of the list for things that people SAY is good about me that just hasn't sunk in yet. Yes, believe it, I actually have trouble with this. People, for some reason, have trouble believing that.

So, without further ado:

--I am an amorous and loving person. I don't love EVERY human being I come across, but those whom I do I love fully and unconditionally (despite their flaws), and generally take a lot of shit from some of them without leaving. THIS is why, despite protests from many of you and psychologists alike, I am sticking with John and trying to work things out.
--I am an AGNOSTIC, goddammit! I be SICK of joo WAK CHRISTIANS tryin t'CONVERT ME! I do not believe in it, never will. It goes against the grain of who I am. I believe that I am meant to be this way, and despite varying degress of hostility and charity from the children of God in my vicinity, I have not folded in this one respect. I have not followed the flock, succombed to society, or capitulated to the crowd. I do NOT NEED JESUS. Don't worry about ME, Homestar, I can make it on my own...
(no offense intended to any of you guys. you are cool. really.)
--I am honest...at least to those who matter. I've been told this one a couple of times; a lot of the problems I've been having with guys is that they pretend, they put up a front, telling me everything's ok when it's not, and other such things. I try my best not to--as one of my friends said, when I'm hurting, I say something. Granted, I don't broadcast over the internet to every one of my friends every time something is wrong, but I let those involved in any situation know exactly how I feel, as well as I can. Now if those users of mirrors and walls could just learn to do the same, things might be a little easier. Just maybe.
--I play well with guys. Apparently, according to my psychologist and those around me, (and recently, my own observation) I am more interested in guy things than girl things. I am not one of those super-femme girls that make me gag with their little purses and skirts and clown-makeup. Not that I don't like a little feminity every once in a while, but I often prefer to play Magic or Diablo instead of coming up with socail subterfuge against my supposed friends. So yeah, I be a guys' girl...maybe...

More should be coming soon.

11/5--I have now also been told that I need to accept all of myself as a work in progress, and this includes loving myself despite the things that I despise. So I shall also include a few things in this list that I recognize to be of myself--but hopefully not for long, because I want to change them. I actually do.

--I am spineless. I am afraid of everything, too quick to assume I am wrong, too quick to fold to others' wishes and too cowardly to try things I want to try. This is a main reason John sited for not wanting to date me anymore. And this is what I have to change to gain his respect. It is also, apparently, what I have to change to earn my own respect, as well.
--I am self-centered, and at times, selfish. Pretty much the whole of my conscious thought and existence have been focused on myself, although for the last couple of years it has been in a more self-deprecating fashion. I am a hog for attention, although some of that may come from the fact that I place myself in situations where I don't get it--i.e. my tendency to withdraw when with a large group. I am also so self-righteously angry right now that I'm parinoid about getting cheated out of ANYTHING, and am thus constantly insisting upon getting my share. "You thought that I would never see...what was meant for you was meant for me...I was distracted at the time...forget about YOURS, now what about MINE???" ]]> ~Rocker-Trancer-Poet http://Rocker-Trancer-Poet.deviantart.com/journal/3333794/ http://Rocker-Trancer-Poet.deviantart.com/journal/3333794/ Fri, 10 Sep 2004 17:07:35 PDT College is cool. Social life is stressful, but everything else is GREAT!
Wow, I have 162 unanswered message center items. Ouch. Sorry if I haven't read your work or something.
Ok, here's the deal: 3 new poems, no purchase required, no strings attached. Just let the tones of my troubles permeate your brain. And you can wonder just what I've been up to over here.

]]> ~Rocker-Trancer-Poet http://Rocker-Trancer-Poet.deviantart.com/journal/3045087/ http://Rocker-Trancer-Poet.deviantart.com/journal/3045087/ Sun, 15 Aug 2004 13:32:37 PDT It's time to let you go
Don't you understand?
Don't you know
if I had known
I would have said...what?
What was there to say?
What does one say to the one
she's found she loves more
than anything else she's ever found?
What happens when one has managed to go
over, under, backward, and around
only to find
that things have only come down to nothing on
the other side?
There's nothing to hide from,
nothing to hold on to;
no reason to hold heads in hands and
commence to cry
I don't know what I know now that
I didn't know before
The reason why
I should simply slump down
and get set to die
And yet I feel...
like that's exactly what I'll do.
Funny how it was you
who pulled me through
and now it's you who's holding me back.
My past is bruised,
as vivid violet as it has ever been
But this feels like the end,
and yet you point ahead into a pointless black...

WELCOME BACK TO SCHOOL ALL MY LOSER STILL-AT-PHS LITTLE BOY FRIENDS! I'LL BE THINKING OF YOU WHILE I PACK MY HOT TOPIC SHIRTS TO TAKE TO MY DORM! MWAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!!!!!

]]> ~Rocker-Trancer-Poet http://Rocker-Trancer-Poet.deviantart.com/journal/3028097/ http://Rocker-Trancer-Poet.deviantart.com/journal/3028097/ Mon, 02 Aug 2004 16:17:57 PDT He's gone, I can't talk to him anymore, and I wish I didn't care whether people knew how obsessed I am with him anymore.
I don't want to do this. I don't want you people to tell me that everything I have, all the relationships and friendships that I have worked my ASS off to build up these last few years were just practice, they're just NOTHING, and you're going to knock them down and leave me once again with nothing--except this time, tired and wearied and unwilling to continue.
It's not that easy. Maybe the REST of you can just make friends and be happy and adapt to any new situation, but I can't. It's taken me 12 years to adjust to our class of 2004--and now all of that has been undermined.
I haven't gotten better. I haven't learned how to cope, how to be more sane, more lovable--I have only learned how to be MORE sensitive, MORE paranoid, MORE hopeless than ever before. Why do I think it's going to get worse? Because it has been getting STEADILY worse all along. You don't have to be a math major to understand in what DIRECTION a fucking TREND is going.
THEY DON'T GET IT! My parents don't think I'm OLD enough to understand what depression is...that I NEED therapy and that I NEED a little bit of tolerance and understanding. But no, instead, I get YELLED at for being upset, yelled at for crying. How dare I disturb their precious peace that they've quelled my entire existence to maintain.
It never stops. The endless onslaught of work, "responsibility," "obligation" and complication. Stuff they make you sign up for and then say "hey, you don't like it? you shouldn't have signed up." You're considered "unstable" if you write about anything other than happy autistic boys and the "light from within." A glitch can screw up your entire future, and a genius level intelligence isn't worth SHIT unless you've got the documentation to prove it. And even then, you'd better not make one wrong step, or else...
There's no one to talk to. He's gone, my parents are idiots, and everyone else is too busy talking about their OWN issues to let me get a word in edgewise. I'm the same way. So I'm left ranting cryptically in a journal blog, because no one's online who doesn't run screaming at the sight of my angst. I feel like a monster.

]]> ~Rocker-Trancer-Poet http://Rocker-Trancer-Poet.deviantart.com/journal/3021676/ http://Rocker-Trancer-Poet.deviantart.com/journal/3021676/ Sun, 01 Aug 2004 20:42:18 PDT Warning: This review contains potentially spoiling material. If you haven't seen this movie yet...you're a loser. Read it anyway.

As the resident expert on Geek culture, (read my UBER valedictory speech: [link] ) I feel compelled to state that I have a theory: the essential concept of Spiderman is an allegory on Geek life. No, listen! Weren't you just feeling Peter Parker when he did all that coolass shit to deliver those pizzas, and then gets told by everyone, "you're lazy--you're throwing away your brains, you're throwing away your life, if you don't come to MY class/business/play on TIME next time we're kicking your ass to the curb!" And Mary Jane is like, SO ME with her superhero fetish--the guy who's BEEN to the MOON is not heroic enough...we want the total nerd who just happens to have the strength of ten men and sticky plastic-covered wire coming from his wrists... (yes, the web in the last scene was so painfully obvious it looked like Christmas in July...er, August) But seriously, although it was certainly oozing with uberness, just like the reviews said, this movie was about as geeky as it gets. I mean, we could have done WITHOUT the entire "Raindrops are Falling on my Head" sequence (or at least the music--how about a nice, happy, I'm-a-geek-and-I-know-it punk/poppunk song instead?), and the Geisha woman plucking a violin and singing that archaic webslinger theme? Mmmmmm no. That was SUCH an obvious attempt to capitalize on their earlier success with the guitar playing hobo in the first movie, as well as the well-known geek affinity for all things Japanese. Finally, if Aunt May hadn't exclaimed "Shame on you!" like Warner Brothers' "Granny" character before whacking Doc Oc on the head with an umbrella, we'd be in business. But, enough of my complaining--on to the kickass elements of Spiderman 2. The highlight of the movie, of course, was Doctor Octopus's mechanical arms, which enabled him to engage in some COOL battle scenes; in fact, I rather liked Doc Oc all the way around--I was tickled to find that whats-his-face from the Species movie was playing the part, so he's going to be my fav acting performance this evening, even though I couldn't help but smirk at the Frankensteinian roar-and-stagger-out-the-door at the end of the hospital scene. I was especially delighted when Oc decided to say to HELL with throwing money bags and pieces of architecture and decided to start tossing PEOPLE at Spiderman instead--as I told my dad, that's like a step above throwing CATS at people from your front porch. Another kickass innovation in computer-animated battle scenes that I especially like includes the numerous times Spiderman painfully contorted his body in order to slip through narrow spaces at high speeds--between cars, between trains, under overpasses, between the beams in a bridge, you name it, he did it, and it gives me a THRILL every time he does. Speaking of geekiness, geek guys are known for their delusions of grandeur and vengeful obligation--and Harry Osbourne is no exception, as he apparently is donning the Green Goblin mask to carry on in his father's place. Can we say, "I told you so?" And Mary Jane's choice to be with Peter at the end FINALLY put us out of our misery--while making this one of the few superhero epics to ever allow its hero to actually GET the girl. And what was with the girl from Joan of Arcadia bringing Peter cake with coy flirty glances? Spidey experts, help me out here, is SHE that blonde that was always on the cartoon? What WAS that blonde's name anyways, and what did she have to do with ANYTHING? My dad thinks she's going to be a female nemesis or something...but tell me, did Spiderman ever HAVE a female nemesis? Seriously, I can't think of a single one.
In conclusion, Spiderman 2 was a great action movie, even if it did contain about as much scattered corn as the floor of the theater itself--but in the end, I think this is actually in keeping with the Spiderman philosophy. I mean, Spiderman's just a geek kid who gets to run with the big guys, and prove he can do it just as well--while still being able to have fun in the meantime. His awkwardness, I think, brings the mistakes and get-it-on-the-second-try's of life to the big screen, and lets us know it's ok to swing smack into the side of a building a couple of times before you get your powers up to speed--your enemies will never know. Once again, geekiness proves to be invaluable when making movies that are...well...uber!

~Rocker-Trancer-Poet http://Rocker-Trancer-Poet.deviantart.com/journal/3012684/ http://Rocker-Trancer-Poet.deviantart.com/journal/3012684/ Sat, 31 Jul 2004 17:03:57 PDT The appropriateness of this song is almost cruel.

"All I Really Want" by Alanis Morissette

Do I stress you out?
My sweater is on backwards and inside out and you say
how appropriate.
I don't want to dissect everything today
I don't mean to pick you apart, you see but I
can't help it.

And there I go jumping before the gunshot has gone off--
slap me with a splintered ruler
And it would knock me to the floor if I wasn't there already--
if only I could hunt the hunter...
yeah

And all I really want
is some patience--
a way to calm the angry voice
And all I really want
is deliverance
ohhh...

Do I wear you out?
You must wonder why I'm relentless and all strung out
I'm consumed by the chill of solitaire
I'm like Estella--
I like to reel it in and then spit it out
I'm frustrated by your apathy

And I am frightened by the corrupted ways of this land--
if only I could meet the maker
And I am fascinated by the spiritual man
I am humbled by his humble nature
yeah

And what I wouldn't give
to find a soul mate
Someone else to catch this drift...
And what I wouldn't give
to meet a kindred
ohhh...

Enough about me, let's talk about YOU for a minute
Enough about you, let's talk about life for a while
The conflicts, the craziness and the sound of pretenses fallin'
All around
All around...

Why are you so petrified of silence?
Here, can you handle this:

...

Did you think about your bills? Your ex? Your deadlines?
Or when you think you're gonna die?
Or did you long for the next distraction?

And all I need now is intellectual intercourse--
a soul to dig the hole much deeper...
And I have no concept of time other than it is flying
if only I could kill the killer...
yeah

And all I really want
is some peace, man
A place to find a common ground
And all I really want
is a wavelength
ohhh...

And all I really want
is some comfort
A way to get my hands untied
And all I really want
is some JUSTICE!
ohhh...

(And all I really want is some patience
a way to calm myself down...
And all I really want is deliverance
a place to find a common, common ground...) ]]> ~Rocker-Trancer-Poet http://Rocker-Trancer-Poet.deviantart.com/journal/3006123/ http://Rocker-Trancer-Poet.deviantart.com/journal/3006123/ Fri, 30 Jul 2004 21:24:39 PDT Brief but hilarious description of my situation at present...Exaggerated to make it sound worse than it is

At the college to which I am going:

--the Wicked Ex of the Southeast is a student
--the Good Ex of the North works in the Food Court
--an ex-crush and my best friend whom he is now dating are freshmen
--one of my long-time stalkers is hanging around on an internship
...and...
--my long-time crush is a frequenter of college parties
...AND...
--Spider-punk is coming to trash my dorm room

Look out, people--I'm comin' to Clemson, and I BROUGHT MY BAGGAGE!

Pathetically, I will most likely be adding to this list.

]]> ~Rocker-Trancer-Poet http://Rocker-Trancer-Poet.deviantart.com/journal/2995961/ http://Rocker-Trancer-Poet.deviantart.com/journal/2995961/ Sat, 07 Aug 2004 10:08:27 PDT
--Sent us outdated medical forms, thus leading my friend Jess to have and pay for an unnecessary TB test
--Lost/didn't send to begin with? my orientation information twice
--Forgot to process Jess's FAFSA until June, thus eliminating her chances for any additional need-based financial aid
--Forgot to process my friend Victor's orientation information for several weeks
--Entered my name in the computer database twice
--We caught 3 viruses the first time we logged on to their computer to set up my e-mail account
--THE CLINCHER: It now looks like they've sent an e-mail to my scholarship committee telling them that I am NOT enrolled as a student for fall semester, thus instructing them to revoke $6,700 (a year) worth of financial aid...[edit: lol woops, sorry, turns out the SCCHE screwed THAT one up...]
--Gave Jess the wrong Biology lab so that she had to go take a different one and get the only time they had left which is right up next to her math testing time with no time for her to get there in between! RAWR!

This is, I am certain, a work in progress. I'm sure I've forgotten some, please remind me what they are. Wow, life's just coming up roses, isn't it?

]]> ~Rocker-Trancer-Poet http://Rocker-Trancer-Poet.deviantart.com/journal/2993233/ http://Rocker-Trancer-Poet.deviantart.com/journal/2993233/ Thu, 29 Jul 2004 03:14:50 PDT Apparently some people here are confused as to my religious affiliations. Let me set them straight.

"Wicked Ways" by Garbage

I tried hard to mend my wicked ways
I acted like a lunatic for years
Lord knows I try to be good
I'd keep my promises if only I could
I count my blessings but I can't rely on you

But I tried
and I tried, and I tried, and I tried

To collect your pictures of the Pope
Pray to God for love and hope
Bring the Virgin home for luck
Bolt that door, girl, keep it shut

I've done things I never thought I'd do
Sure it helps to loose myself in you
A little time, I'll be alright
Come on sugar, let's go out tonight
Forgive my trespasses and all that we've been through

And I tried, and I tried and I tried and I tried...

To collect your pictures of the Pope
Pray to God for love and hope
Bring the Virgin home for luck
Bolt that door, girl--keep it shut!

That sinking feeling
When you are leaving
All I believe in
Walks out the door...

I've tried hard to mend my wicked ways
The damage is done there's nothing left to save...

But I tried and I tried and I tried and I tried

To collect your pictures of the Pope
(just like I told you...)
Pray to God for love and hope
(just like I warned you...)
Bring the Virgin home for luck
(just like I told you...)
Bolt that door try to keep it shut...
(just like I warned you...) ]]> ~Rocker-Trancer-Poet http://Rocker-Trancer-Poet.deviantart.com/journal/2952995/ http://Rocker-Trancer-Poet.deviantart.com/journal/2952995/ Fri, 23 Jul 2004 23:07:34 PDT

"I want everyone who reads this to ask me 3 questions, no less. Ask me anything you want. Then I want you to go to your journal, copy and paste this allowing your friends to ask you anything.

i'm being serious here.. hell, ask more than 3 questions, and i swear i'll answer truthfully!!"

Well, get askin', I've got things to burn...

]]> ~Rocker-Trancer-Poet http://Rocker-Trancer-Poet.deviantart.com/journal/2880136/ http://Rocker-Trancer-Poet.deviantart.com/journal/2880136/ Wed, 14 Jul 2004 11:57:56 PDT This is a conversation my friends and I had a couple of nights ago. It is a perfect example of how we depressed people can turn something wholesome and loveable into a twisted solidification of our pain. lol...

kablija---spectrum disorder says: AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
kablija---spectrum disorder says: CCCCCCCAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNNDDDDDDDDYYYYY YYY
LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNNDDD DD!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Jessie Leigh says: Lord Licorice
Jessie Leigh says: 's the only thing I can remember
kablija---spectrum disorder says:grandma nutt
Riot Act 06 says: that game was the work of the devil
kablija---spectrum disorder says:EEVVVVVVVVIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIILLLLLLLLL LLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
...
Jessie Leigh says: [moves her plastic gingerbread man down the board] your turn, Jess
...
Riot Act 06 says: oh gaw...
Jessie Leigh says: pick a card, buddy, it's YOUR turn too
Jessie Leigh says: lol
kablija---spectrum disorder says:i hate this game
...
kablija---spectrum disorder says: some people fucking get two square shaped colors on their card
kablija---spectrum disorder says: my card is so old i cant tell if its orange or red
kablija---spectrum disorder says: the orange sends me to plumby and the red takes me down a bakwards bridge
kablija---spectrum disorder says: grandma nutt hates me
Jessie Leigh says: oh yeah I remember Grandma Nutt...
Jessie Leigh says: I never understood what she was there for. I had never heard of peanut brittle in my life.
kablija---spectrum disorder says: im stuck on a fucking black dot
kablija---spectrum disorder says: and everyone is smiling as they pass me
kablija---spectrum disorder says: assholes
Jessie Leigh says: ...
kablija---spectrum disorder says: blue faced smiling boy
kablija---spectrum disorder says: red faced smiling girl
Jessie Leigh says: Jess...
Jessie Leigh says: they can't help smiling
Jessie Leigh says: they're molded that way.
kablija---spectrum disorder says: my piece is a scrap of paper I found behind the fridge
Jessie Leigh says: kids don't want frowny gingerbread men.
kablija---spectrum disorder says: it used to be family photo
Jessie Leigh says: children must not be led to believe there is anything other than happiness and perfection in the world
Jessie Leigh says: so that hopefully they will aspire to such throughout their entire life
Jessie Leigh says: and if for some reason they are too abnormal to achieve such happiness and perfection
Jessie Leigh says: then they will hate themselves for it and hopefully incapacitate themselves for the rest of their lives
Jessie Leigh says: thus staying out of society's way
Jessie Leigh says: thus we maintain forced happiness and perfection for all, except for the freaks and locos, who will be conveniently removed from sight
Jessie Leigh says: DAMN we sound psycho and depressed
Jessie Leigh says: lol this is funny
kablija---spectrum disorder says: everything is better when enverything is shitty because that way we know it cant be worse
Jessie Leigh says: who the hell said it couldn't?
kablija---spectrum disorder says: (lights the board on fire)
kablija---spectrum disorder says: (plastic stinks as it melts)
kablija---spectrum disorder says: and they kick us out of church when the service is over
Jessie Leigh says: OOOOO BURN!
kablija---spectrum disorder says: ok, got you god, now get the hell out
Jessie Leigh says: BURN BURN!
Jessie Leigh says: Hell? what about it?
Jessie Leigh says: stuff BURNS there!
Jessie Leigh says: oooo...stuff is burning HERE! This must be Hell!!!
kablija---spectrum disorder says: hell is where all the birds go when they die
Jessie Leigh says: [scratches head] does that mean we're birds?
kablija---spectrum disorder says: no
kablija---spectrum disorder says: just that we have to put up with them when we get there
kablija---spectrum disorder says: all the bees and wasps and birds
Jessie Leigh says: ahhhhh
kablija---spectrum disorder says: and scorpions
kablija---spectrum disorder says: and roaches
Jessie Leigh says: all the little minions of Satan
kablija---spectrum disorder says: dogs that dont like me
kablija---spectrum disorder says: pieces of candyland
kablija---spectrum disorder says: bad psychologists
Jessie Leigh says: that you burned?
Jessie Leigh says: I thought all dogs went to heaven.
...
kablija---spectrum disorder says: and then there are the people who cheat
Jessie Leigh says: at Candyland?
kablija---spectrum disorder says: no shit i saw you pick two cards
kablija---spectr... ]]> ~Rocker-Trancer-Poet http://Rocker-Trancer-Poet.deviantart.com/journal/2876983/ http://Rocker-Trancer-Poet.deviantart.com/journal/2876983/ Wed, 14 Jul 2004 00:14:44 PDT overwhelmed--
but how can I?
How can I?
When I cannot stand,
can't keep my balance
under this gentle pull you have on me.

This quiet coming back
every time you go away--
I cannot stand...
I cannot stand.

]]> ~Rocker-Trancer-Poet http://Rocker-Trancer-Poet.deviantart.com/journal/2857908/ http://Rocker-Trancer-Poet.deviantart.com/journal/2857908/ Sun, 11 Jul 2004 17:28:28 PDT How's this for a little optimism...

"Love Comes Again" by DJ Tiesto feat. BT:

You have become
what you have always been
A light flickering around
peripheral vision

No words we can speak
of paths that've been chosen
All travel we trek
will lead us back to here because our

Love comes again
Just when I'm broken down I've found
Love can come again
You gotta believe that
Love comes again
Just when I'm broken down I've found
Love can come again

Deep within me,
turn all the secret stones
Forests and fields
brimming with blood and bones

Still no words we can speak
of paths that've been chosen
All travel we trek
will lead us back to here because all

Love comes again
Just when I'm broken down I've found
Love can come again
You gotta believe that
Love comes again
Just when I'm broken down I've found
Love can come again

This song...wow. This song gives me such HOPE, when it has no rational reason to do so. Behold the power of trance. Oh, and yeah--Tiesto is king. ]]> ~Rocker-Trancer-Poet http://Rocker-Trancer-Poet.deviantart.com/journal/2850530/ http://Rocker-Trancer-Poet.deviantart.com/journal/2850530/ Sat, 10 Jul 2004 17:26:41 PDT A lot of people have been saying stuff about my pessimism lately. Perhaps this song I just discovered is somewhat appropriate.

"How Soon is Now" by The Smiths:

I am the son
and the heir
of a shyness that is criminally vulgar--
I am the son and heir
of nothing in particular.

You shut your mouth;
How can you say
I go about things the wrong way?
I am human and I need to be loved,
just like everybody else does.

I am the son
and the heir
of a shyness that is criminally vulgar--
I am the son and the heir
of nothing in particular.

You shut your mouth;
How can you say
I go about things the wrong way?
I am human and I need to be loved,
just like everybody else does.

There's a club if you'd like to go--
you could meet somebody
who really loves you.
So you go and you stand on your own,
and you leave on your own,
and you go home
and you cry
and you want to die.

You shut your mouth;
How can you say
I go about things the wrong way?
I am human and I need to be loved,
just like everybody else does.

When you say it's gonna happen now--
when exactly do you mean?
See I've already waited too long
and all my hope is...
gone.

You shut your mouth;
How can you say
I go about things the wrong way?
I am human and I need to be loved,
just like everybody else does. ]]> ~Rocker-Trancer-Poet http://Rocker-Trancer-Poet.deviantart.com/journal/2801632/ http://Rocker-Trancer-Poet.deviantart.com/journal/2801632/ Sun, 04 Jul 2004 11:33:14 PDT Me trying to help others while I myself need help.

"Answer" by Sarah McLachlan

I will be the answer
at the end of the line.
I will be there for you
while you take your time.
In the burning of uncertainty,
I will be your solid ground.
I will hold the balance if you can't look down.

If it takes my whole life,
I won't break, I won't bend.
It'll all be worth it,
worth it in the end.
Cos I can only tell you what I know:
that I need you in my life;
and when the stars have all gone out you'll still be
burning so bright...

Cast me gently
into morning
for the night has been unkind.
Take me to a
place so holy
that I can wash this from my mind--
the memory
of choosing not to fight...

If it takes my whole life
I won't break, I won't bend.
It'll all be worth it,
worth it in the end.
Cos I can only tell you what I know:
that I need you in my life;
and when the stars have all burned out you'll still be
burning so bright...

Cast me gently
into morning
for the night has been unkind... ]]> ~Rocker-Trancer-Poet http://Rocker-Trancer-Poet.deviantart.com/journal/2796936/ http://Rocker-Trancer-Poet.deviantart.com/journal/2796936/ Thu, 08 Jul 2004 18:49:27 PDT and there's not the slightest possibility
that something so small as a spark
could get through;
This room is so small
there is no room to breathe--
to bleed, think, be, feel, follow,
or believe.
This room is so large
this cold goes on for miles
and my heart and my limbs
are going blue;
I scream until I'm sore
I am overcome by fear
Won't please somebody hear me--
I am calling for
you.

Another questionable one...I don't know if it should be a poem or not. I wrote it under a fog of confusion. This is brute honesty right here, of the same nature as the poem "Wasted." I'd like you guys to let me know if I should post it as a deviation. Thanks.

(Listening to: Odessa TX's 95x online, you can find it at [link] --they play all the good hard rock I like, plus the alternative and punk rock I like, plus trance techno on weeknights, plus some pop rock that I like, and a few other things as well. They also play Jed the Fish...) ]]> ~Rocker-Trancer-Poet http://Rocker-Trancer-Poet.deviantart.com/journal/2773590/ http://Rocker-Trancer-Poet.deviantart.com/journal/2773590/ Wed, 30 Jun 2004 17:19:08 PDT An incredibly deep Vocal Trance song, that I think aptly describes my sink into pessimistic despair and my recent awareness of it:

"Beautiful Things" by Andain - for best effect, try the Gabriel and Dresdon remix, or else the Photon Project remix

Got up early, found something's missing--
my only name
No one else sees, but I got stuck
and soon forever came
Stop pushing on for just a second
then, nothing's changed
Who am I this time? Where's my name?
I guess it crept away

No one's calling for me at the door
And unpredictable won't bother anymore
And silently gets harder to ignore
Straight ahead there's nothing left to see
What's done is done, this life has got
its hold on me
Just let it go, what now can never be

I forgot
that I might see
So many
beautiful things
I forgot
that I might need
to find out
what life could bring...

Take this happy ending away,
it's all the same
God won't waste His simplicity
on possibility
Get me up, wake me up
dreams are filling this
trace of blame
Frozen still I thought I could stop--
now who's gonna wait?

No one's calling for me at the door and
Unpredictable won't bother anymore
And silently gets harder to ignore
Staight ahead there's nothing left to see
What's done is done, this life has got
its hold on me
Just let it go
What now can never be...

So many
beautiful things...

Now what do I do?
Can I change my mind?
Did I think things through?
It was once my life...
It was my life at one time. ]]> ~Rocker-Trancer-Poet http://Rocker-Trancer-Poet.deviantart.com/journal/2738415/ http://Rocker-Trancer-Poet.deviantart.com/journal/2738415/ Sat, 26 Jun 2004 20:45:49 PDT illusions fall in pieces to the floor.
Again, the Shadow speaks to me:
"Did you really think it'd work the way
it never worked before?"
I bite my arm
I stumble out
Turn on the tap
I've time for just one more...

HAhahaha all right! This is the craziest, most inaccessible one yet! It means I've reached new levels of insanity! Maybe I can at least LOVE myself as an asylum poet! WOOHOO!

I'm gonna be the next Savannah! I'm gonna be the next Savannah!

Weesa gonna need a WICKED preview piccy for this baby yes we aaaare!

]]> ~Rocker-Trancer-Poet http://Rocker-Trancer-Poet.deviantart.com/journal/2734213/ http://Rocker-Trancer-Poet.deviantart.com/journal/2734213/ Fri, 25 Jun 2004 14:21:27 PDT
As for me, life has been crazy this week. Old friends risen from the dust, guys checking me out at the Hardtail store, and DA being, apparently, gutted and remodeled from the inside out...I've almost gone nuts. But it's ok--things are changing, and at this point almost any change has got to be good (and I'm not talking about DA here ). "Brave New World" was written to commemorate this occasion. Now, I must go read from a book on Vietnam, because my college has gotten the bright idea to give the entire freshmen class summer reading assignments.
Some things NEVER change...

]]> ~Rocker-Trancer-Poet http://Rocker-Trancer-Poet.deviantart.com/journal/2671075/ http://Rocker-Trancer-Poet.deviantart.com/journal/2671075/ Wed, 16 Jun 2004 00:39:36 PDT

]]> ~Rocker-Trancer-Poet http://Rocker-Trancer-Poet.deviantart.com/journal/2632457/ http://Rocker-Trancer-Poet.deviantart.com/journal/2632457/ Sat, 12 Jun 2004 21:39:18 PDT I should have enjoyed the dark, because
I hate the day;
And I should have listened to more music I liked
or sang along more to the music I listened to.
I should have paid attention, instead of
letting it slip past me
like an impatient angel—
all my blessings forfeit.
I should have told you
that I wasted my time with you
that I wanted to go out somewhere, please,
yes—anywhere!
And please god don’t leave me sitting here
smothering in my own courtesy of letting you sleep.
You never did anything to deserve staying awake
and I don’t deserve you, either
but no one ever stays around long enough for me to tell them
the truth.

The truth is, I’m scared
I’m scared of you
I’m scared of myself
I’m scared of school
and hope,
and dreaming,
I’m scared to say anything that might make you go away,
and I’m scared to do anything that might make me do the same.
I live, breathe, and run
under the lashing sting
of my own desperate discipline.

The truth is, I’m angry
I hate everyone for being oblivious
for not reassuring me when
I cannot be reassured;
I hate those who hurt me,
who were too screwed up even to have meant it,
who have broken me down through one hapless accident
after another.
They have rendered me helpless with their
insurmountable need.

The truth is, I’m faithless
I’m afraid to believe
that my friends won’t leave me
that my parents believe me
that someone somewhere will be able to love me
the way I need;
How can I know
that there will be a tomorrow?
a second chance?
a moment devoid of extraneous circumstances
and unforeseen obstacles?
No faith
that God exists
that He would care
or doesn’t have it out for me.
Prepare for the worst,
and you’ll never have time
for anything else.

The truth is, I’m ashamed
I hide in poetry, because
the lack of structure and thoroughness
frees me from my own cage of scrutiny,
but if you can listen to what isn’t being said,
please
help me,
salvage me
because one thing, if nothing else, is true:

this depression is me, wasted.

]]> ~Rocker-Trancer-Poet http://Rocker-Trancer-Poet.deviantart.com/journal/2583705/ http://Rocker-Trancer-Poet.deviantart.com/journal/2583705/ Fri, 04 Jun 2004 17:03:40 PDT [Warning: I assume that since this movie has been around for a while and has already been taken off the local theater's "Now Playing" list, everyone who is going to see it has seen it; therefore, I will not hesitate to give away pertinent plot information in this review. If you don't wanna know yet, don't read it.]

As a general rule, I normally take the liberty of reading one or two reviews before I gallop off to the movie theater--I like to be forewarned. But many of the reviews for the movie in question, (the latest Universal Studios foray Van Helsing, starring Hugh Jackman) were resoundingly negative, and although I may be slightly biased toward teen culture's notable infatuation with all things dark and bloodthirsty, I think they're mistaken. The key is not to judge this movie by any standards but its own--of COURSE it's incomparable to Lord of the Rings. They weren't trying to topple the greatest titles in history--they were just trying to bring us goth fans some bloodsucking, wolf-bashing fun.
When I went to this movie, I wasn't expecting an intellectual thriller--I wanted action, and this I got, in abundance. But I was pleasantly surprised to see the slightest bit of brain-tickling as well: this movie was obviously designed to tip its hat repeatedly at the old Universal Monsters series, and it does so with a smart blend of kooky, B-grade staging and modern twists and turns. If Van Helsing is a crash course in old horror flicks, its fault lies in the fact that it requires prerequisites; I'm fairly certain I would have missed the entire point had I not already seen at least the original Frankenstein and the original Dracula films. For those of us who HAVE seen them, there's plenty of clues: the opening black-and-white revisit to Frankenstein's windmill scene and the Phillip Glass-like, violin-infused score, for example. The bottom line: this film's histrionic nature is not to be taken seriously; its age-old characters are merely being presented in a good-natured mood, comparable to that of the song "Monster Mash."
Don't get me wrong tho--this is only skimming the surface. Underneath there are a lot of seriously cool elements to keep us entertained. There's an entirely new take on the characters' lore and abilities that is fresh and creative, while still within demonologic reason: Dracula and his three wives can now produce spooky, if stillborn, offspring; he wants to use Dr. Victor Frankenstein's scientific method of resurrection to bring them back to life, but he can only do that by sapping the energy of another life form--and the only being that has enough juice to sustain the entire brood is that famed walking composition of 5 or 6 men himself, Frankenstein's monster. The reason Drac and his ladies do not show up in mirrors is cleverly explained: they have special permission from the Prince of Darkness himself to use the everyday looking glass as a door to their own cozy rent-a-castle in Hell; to them, they're not mirrors at all. There's plenty of special F-X details worthy of mention as well, including the blinking, staticy cyberwork in Frankenstein's (the monster's) head, and the fact that, rather than sprouting hair on the skin he has, the resident werewolf actually SHEDS his skin in order to transform. The costumes, FX, and performances of the monsters are fun enough to watch on their own--you add in the ingenius way in which they are all strung together in a non-stop clash for survival, and you've got one heck of a Halloween party.
The movie is, however, not without its faults--the worst of which being Anna, our heroine, played by a might-as-well-be-blonde Kate Beckinsale. Supposedly the last remaining member of a family bound to kill Dracula or suffer forever in purgatory, you get the feeling that Anna didn't get the better part of the gene pool. Perhaps this is intentional, but her Marilyn Monroe-ish crooning in even the most dire of situations and her obvious hip-twisting plea to be our token box-office sexpot can get a bit annoying. Then again, her character obviously wasn't meant for viewers of my particular gender. Oh well. The movie certainly makes up for her, however, with loveable characters such as our melodramatic, virtued Frankenstein monster--a bit exaggerated at times, but still appealing as a hulking, green-skinned Don Quixote. Hugh Jackman, as a mysterious vigilante named for Van Helsing, (don't dare mistake him for the original) was his usual butt-kicking self. And let us not even mention Igor, except to say that fans of this unappreciated character will not go home disappointed. Count Dracula and the Three Sisters are charmingly insane, if cliched at times--here they are cast in an unusually sympathetic light, including an entire scene in which Dracula pro... ]]> ~Rocker-Trancer-Poet http://Rocker-Trancer-Poet.deviantart.com/journal/2545476/ http://Rocker-Trancer-Poet.deviantart.com/journal/2545476/ Sun, 30 May 2004 19:44:11 PDT They keep me company, but they don't ask of me
They don't say nothing at all

And I need just a little more silence
And I need just a little more time

You send your thieves to me, silently stalking me
Dragging me into your war
Would you give me no choice in this
I know you can't resist trying to reopen a sore

Leave me be I don't want to argue
I just get confused and I come all undone
And if I agree, well it's just to appease you
Cos I don't remember what we're fighting for

You see love, a tight thorny thread that you spin in a circle of gold
To have me, to hold me
A token for all to see
Captured to be yours alone

And I need just a little more silence
And I need just a little more time

For courage to pull away
There will be hell to pay
Deeply, you cut to the bone

Leave me be, I don't want to argue
I just get confused and I come all undone
And if I agree well it's just to appease you
Cos I don't remember what we're fighting for

Time here all but means nothing, just shadows that move 'cross the wall
They keep me company, but they don't ask of me
They don't say nothing at all

Leave me be, I don't want to argue
I just get confused and I come all undone
And if I agree, well it's just to appease you
Cos I don't remember what we're fighting for...

("Time" by Sarah McLachlan--the only woman who can do trance without ever using a single electronic tone) ]]> ~Rocker-Trancer-Poet http://Rocker-Trancer-Poet.deviantart.com/journal/2523674/ http://Rocker-Trancer-Poet.deviantart.com/journal/2523674/ Thu, 27 May 2004 20:36:57 PDT
What do your responses tell us?

Although your scores were generally quite good, you scored well outside the normal range in at least one category. This suggests that you should probably consult with a mental health professional for further testing or treatment. There is most certainly a professional out there who can help improve the symptoms you are experiencing. [oh boy! ]

The following are the areas of concern detected by the screening:


Your symptoms point to Major Depressive Disorder. [oh wow...really?!]
You show signs of Generalized Anxiety Disorder. [oh now I'm worried...]
Your responses indicated that your relationships are at least in some way dysfunctional, and may be causing problems in your life. [ maybe my FRIENDS have anxiety disorder, TOO! ]
The test also detected symptoms of one or more disorders that did not meet all the criteria, but that may still merit treatment. [ there's MORE?]

The following are the areas of concern detected by the screening:


You have experienced symptoms of a manic episode. [ really? I don't see how ANYTHING could be wrong with that!]
Although you meet the criteria for the frequency of symptoms, your symptoms do not appear to be severe enough to meet the criteria for Bipolar disorder. [whew, boy, am I relieved...]
You experience some symptoms of Simple Phobia. [WHAT? ]
You experience some symptoms of Social Phobia. [OMG! ]
You appear to have some obsessive thoughts.
[ REALLY? Maybe you ought to ask Victor and Pierce...]

So yeah, one of their articles says I should find HUMOR in my problems...So that's what I'm doing. I'M CRAZY AS SHIT AND IT'S FUNNY, DAMMIT! LAUGH! LAUGH WITH ME!!!! NOW!!!


Oh man...I need prozac...

"Satellite (Above and Beyond mix)" by Oceanlab feat. Justine Suissa and plenty of Chillout Trance... > ]]> ~Rocker-Trancer-Poet http://Rocker-Trancer-Poet.deviantart.com/journal/2506337/ http://Rocker-Trancer-Poet.deviantart.com/journal/2506337/ Tue, 25 May 2004 14:26:47 PDT


DON'T MESS WIT MAH POSSE!



WWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!! !!!!!!!

WHAM! SMACK!

WELL DONE, MY BROTHERS!



NOW--WE EAT!



INNER PEACE REGAINED



GOODNIGHT.



No ninjas were actually harmed in the making of this film.

Hehehe...I need therapy.

]]> ~Rocker-Trancer-Poet http://Rocker-Trancer-Poet.deviantart.com/journal/2493611/ http://Rocker-Trancer-Poet.deviantart.com/journal/2493611/ Sun, 23 May 2004 23:04:40 PDT Last summer I was lost--more lost than ever before. The school year before had been fruitless; after my optimistic emergence from that life-changing relationship with THE ex, I had quickly (and painfully) learned that not very many people actually GET who I am, and that not many cared to look in the first place. After participating in a comically tragic love triangle second semester (which, as I said, was fruitless), I retired to steep in my own juices and withdrew from/gave up on what few friends I had managed to hold on to so far. I studied religion, philosophy, and myself, all on my own, and buried myself head-first in fantasy and writing, which was both theraputic and addictive to the point of delusion. The isolation proved disasterous, and by late July I was singing the tune of self-destruction, and beginning to perceive that everything was hopeless and pointless. I was dragged back to PHS kicking and screaming and depressed.
Now that we're in the right mood, hehehe, here are the things I've learned:
1) I ain't seen NOTHIN yet - This year I have keenly felt the narrowness of my experience. Having ventured rarely from my house, never from my school, and never outside a border of three counties around mine, save to visit relatives in GA, I realize now that I have missed a lot. I have never seen another country, I have never seen Disney World, New York, or even really explored our neighboring cities. Having made the assumption that this small, hormone driven "redneck factory" (as my friend Eric calls it) is indicative of the behavior of all human beings, I made the assumption that I would forever have the present social difficulty and near cruel-and-unusual workload, which foreboded a (as you can imagine) rather bleak and unappealing future. However, now that I understand the mechanics of festering hell-pits filled with adolescents, I can see that other places will not be the SAME as high school--which gives me enough hope to at least TRY to move on and see what else is out there, although whether or not it will be BETTER still remains to be seen. I can credit this realization, however, mostly to the assertions of my WORDLY English teacher, two Canadians and other foreign people that have come into my life, and of course, my own personal Phantom of the Internet, Eric himself, who incidentally happens to be from "up north."
2) This is the SOUTH, honey - As an extension of the above, believe it or not until this year I had NO CLUE that the south was ANY DIFFERENT from any other region, country, or continent. I REALLY need to get out more. But it's NOT MY FAULT--due to allergies and spastic parents and my own understandable fears, I have not had the opportunity to break out of my bubble. However, through south-insulting literature that our leaders seem to believe actually help us APPRECIATE this place [snicker] along with the sources listed above, the differences are now apparent to me, yes. I am sheltered, not an idiot!
3) GET ME AWAY FROM ME! - Ok, well, it's not VEHEMENT self-hatred...rather, I've realized that that low self-esteem and such that I THOUGHT had gone away after the whole EX business, has actually gone underground. And surprise! 90% of the things I wasn't able to do, 90% of the things I thought people thought about me, were actually me cutting myself down. This is seriously a problem. In certain situations, especially social ones, my initial default reaction to ANYTHING is to blame myself, to back down and remain servile, because MOST LIKELY, I"M WRONG. This causes me often to miss out, look stupid, and to convince other people that I'm stupid as well. This also allows and actually INVITES people to take advantage of me. My hesitations can ruin things for myself and others, and it caused me to feel like I didn't deserve to live or that others would be better off if I was gone...sometimes I... ]]> ~Rocker-Trancer-Poet http://Rocker-Trancer-Poet.deviantart.com/journal/2472731/ http://Rocker-Trancer-Poet.deviantart.com/journal/2472731/ Thu, 20 May 2004 20:02:14 PDT
Although this is only barely relevent right now, here's a phone conversation from a Spice Girls song I've always found to be particularly meaningful in many of my situations--when I've told too much of myself, as always, to a once-interested-but-no-more person:

(from the song "Naked" by the Spice Girls)

[ring] hello? It's me.
I thought you'd understand...
Well, maybe I should have kept my mouth shut. I keep seeing such a pretty picture...
I'd rather be hated than pitied...
Maybe I should have left it up to your imagination.
I just want to be me...

[grooving to...nothing. But the Spice Girls song can be the music of the day because, dammit, the Spice Girls are cool. People who shun pop without listening are as stupid as the ones who accept it without listening. So there. ] ]]> ~Rocker-Trancer-Poet http://Rocker-Trancer-Poet.deviantart.com/journal/2422904/ http://Rocker-Trancer-Poet.deviantart.com/journal/2422904/ Sat, 15 May 2004 19:29:15 PDT
"Leave behind your fear
please believe
you will not falter;
There's no danger here
you can breathe
in clear blue water..."



Wow hey I'm glad they let you change stuff on here--this place was MADE for perfectionist artists. Just wanted to mention that the way I made the die look has significance: when I listen to music, especially trance music, I can actually see colors in my head like that, sort of a mental voluntary synesthasia thing, cos yeah I'm just GOOD like that at cross-sensory associations. So when you see my die, think of me trancing out with all the pretty colors swimming around in my head. Thanks, bye bye! ]]> ~Rocker-Trancer-Poet http://Rocker-Trancer-Poet.deviantart.com/journal/2407779/ http://Rocker-Trancer-Poet.deviantart.com/journal/2407779/ Tue, 11 May 2004 16:06:48 PDT A Prayer for Owen Meany, to be exact, by the day after tomorrow--I am basically halfway through this very THICK book, and due to my Valedictary address and a rather indepth forensic chemistry project, it is pretty much a sure thing that I will NOT be able to finish by that date. Of course, I suppose she's going to give me a bad grade for it, anyway, and I finally don't care anymore, seeing as how my A+ average can probably sustain a blow from the FIRST assignment I have ever failed to finish in my life...and I'm fairly certain that it IS TRULY the first in my life, seeing as how I have been a self-torturing perfectionist freak for as long as I can remember...but perhaps this is a good thing, since I really need to learn NOT to be a perfectionist freak. But still...why does the kiss of death always have to come from a Judas? I KNOW what my teacher will say, what she DID say when I told her I didn't have the time..."Well, you'd better FIND time." That's funny. That's fucking funny. It is of course UNACCEPTABLE for me to not get finished with her book on time, whether or not it's my own fault...and it's not like I'm not going to EVER finish it--in fact, I would have given up on it ALREADY if not for the fact that I find it mildly entertaining. NOT one of the best books I've read, but nonetheless, mildly entertaining--it's not pure PORN like Irving's other book, The World According to Garp; only about a QUARTER of THIS book consists of his quirkified fantasies, and the rest contains some rather interesting theological banter embedded in a sticky, lard-like mass of useless rambling. But the crowning detail is this: she has promised to give each of us a rather cute plush armadillo, IF and WHEN we finish the book. Now don't get me wrong, I don't CARE about her goddamn armadillo, but it's the principle that we are children being punished for some wrongdoing--and I just LOVE the thought that not finishing a book is morally wrong. Or, even better, think of it as "BAD DOG--no treat!" I can just see the derogatory glances of my classmates when I refuse the thing, which I will, if she tries to give it to me on credit or something--and I find this particularly vexing. My classmates have treated me like SHIT in regards to this book already; with the exception of Jess and Victor, I have already had practically the entire class jump me for my difference of opinion on the believability of this book. And this is just evidence of a bigger problem here, which is perhaps the biggest crux of this issue after all, and the reason why I'm so sore about it: I have come to the conclusion that I think in an almost entirely different way from the aforementioned classmates, and even from my teacher herself. That wouldn't be so bad except I feel persecuted for it--they act like my point of view is stupid, illogical, and immature, but I can't see a BIT of sense in the way they think (except, as I may have said before, self-consolation and protection from the truth). I JUST CAN'T believe in all this happy ending shit, this sentimental blubber, this CRAP that goes on every time we watch a sappy or romantic movie. These people cry at EVERYTHING. We read a CHILDISH, MANIPULATED book in which there are three guys and three girls, and guess what--EVERYBODY finds true love in the end. Line them all up, and stick each guy with a girl, and play matchmaker! THINGS DON'T HAPPEN THIS WAY. I have been in a rather close friend group for YEARS (though I may not have participated in it overly much), and NEVER have all of my guy friends been dating all of my girl friends...NEVER have ALL of my friends been dating at the SAME TIME at all. But we read this book and it's "AWWW IT'S SO BEAUTIFUL! IT'S SO SWEET!" and for my saying something about its credibility, I am reproached as being "too negative, too tragic, too melodramatic." Yeah, sure, I am a pessimist because I LOVE IT, it's SO goddamn liberating I don't know what to DO with myself! And I surround myself with MORONS for the very same reason...Anyways, the righteousness of these people gets me too: we've got to STAND UP for what's right, exact CHANGE in our country, exact CHANGE in our school! The so-called faculty in my school doesn't even respect my TEACHER, much less the students--and this is the South, for anyone who doesn't know...change is a damnable SIN around here! Not to MENTION the majority of... ]]> ~Rocker-Trancer-Poet http://Rocker-Trancer-Poet.deviantart.com/journal/2400619/ http://Rocker-Trancer-Poet.deviantart.com/journal/2400619/ Mon, 10 May 2004 16:15:13 PDT And in keeping with this theme of my oblivion, allow me to say that I have seriously underappreciated Jess all these years. We've had issues, yes, but Jess has been truly loyal to me all these years, and I've either ignored it, been unaware of it, or hidden from it. I often have the ostrich-like tendency of hiding from what is good for me. And in turning around and realizing she's STILL THERE, I've done a double-take at how beautiful she is--both inside and out. Her willowy beauty, her graceful movements, her sincere but not unquestioning faith (better than mine), her level head (or else she shares in my delusions), and OF COURSE that delightful sense of humor--don't slope-field my calculator!--are positively wonderful. I really wish I knew a way to make it up to her. I suppose I'll start by shutting up before I embarrass her--if it's not already too late for that--and just end by saying THANK YOU JESS! for everything.

> ]]> ~Rocker-Trancer-Poet http://Rocker-Trancer-Poet.deviantart.com/journal/2381418/ http://Rocker-Trancer-Poet.deviantart.com/journal/2381418/ Fri, 07 May 2004 19:36:11 PDT I just watched an episode of "Joan of Arcadia." I don't normally like the show--I see too many cliches being given center stage in order to infect the minds of impressionable adults and convince them that all teenagers are gum-smacking, eye-rolling valley girls and chain-wearing, spikey-haired anarchy freaks (or else your garden variety nerds). But this week's episode actually seemed to have some truth to it. I suppose the theme was image and how not to attempt to fit into one, and Joan was to look at her relationship with her boyfriend (who incidentally reminds me of Victor in thoughtfulness and demeanor) and how they were trying to play parts, rather than actually connect. That seriously reminded me of my last relationship--I still had this picture of how I thought I had to feel, and we both seemed to be pretending more than anything--AND of the fact that, like Joan, I sometimes feel judged from both sides because I'm not a 100% flesh-and-blood nonconformist. Hey, I LIKE some of American Eagle's stuff, ok? That Britney Spears song? Toxic? Yeah, it's actually kinda neat. Not intellectual, I'll admit, but NEAT. Whatever happened to just neat? Even Mrs. Warren thinks I'm some sort of traitor because I happen to LIKE Anne Rice's prose--who the hell is keeping score here? Is there some DIETY up there that's saying "woops...didn't read the most meaningful book first--that's two points closer to eternal damnation." Give me a break. Whoever said complacency was a sin?
But back to the pretending...it's hard to tell when one is pretending, really it is...but for some reason as far as romantic relationships go my only experience in that category has BEEN pretending...I mean I honestly quite often wonder if this "love" thing truly exists--or if the romantic cliche has been so thoroughly beat into us our entire lives that we simply PRETEND our way into it because we feel expected to. And by love this time I am referring to mutual love, between two people--unrequited love I have a little more belief in, although as I was telling DJ the other day, I'm thinking that kind comes more out of need than anything else. And those both could be the same, really, anyways. I don't know. lol You all are going to get sick of this journal, really quick...I've found that even when I'm not depressed my thinking is quite negative, possibly too negative for other people to handle. I honestly can't understand why--why I think differently from others, or why others think differently from me. To me, this is the only way that makes sense. Optimism to me looks too much like denial, like people convincing themselves it'll be all right so that they don't have to deal with the bad stuff. I dunno. I think too much, I feel too much, and I know too much--and that is a disastrous combination.
It would be nice, tho, to be proven wrong. To actually have some sort of dating relationship of mutual interest. Don't EVEN try to tell me my past ones were like that--they weren't. But I don't see that happening anytime soon, so I guess my pessimism stays. I can only go on what I know, after all...
It's ok. I'm cool. I'm used to it. I can live with it.
And you all don't have to read my journals every time if you don't want to.

A somewhat accurate if somewhat self-pitying verse from the song "Damaged" by Plummet--it's techno trance, and the best remix in my opinion is the Antillas mix, so check it out sometime:

"Dreaming comes so easily
cos it's all that I've known;
true love is a fairy tale--
I'm damaged, so how would I know?" ]]> ~Rocker-Trancer-Poet http://Rocker-Trancer-Poet.deviantart.com/journal/2367470/ http://Rocker-Trancer-Poet.deviantart.com/journal/2367470/ Wed, 05 May 2004 17:33:16 PDT Moving on to the deep thought of the day, I went to piano lesson today, and I got to see my piano teacher's husband (my old elementary school music teacher) for the first time in quite a while. It's always interesting seeing people you knew as a child with older eyes...he's actually quite shy and meek, I realized, and they mentioned that he was the valedictorian of HIS class, too. I wonder if he's anything like me? lol It was kind of pathetic talking to him--I'm meek and scared too when talking to people I don't know that well, and it was SO awkward. Or maybe it was just me, I don't know. Anyways...amazing how attached he and my teacher have become to me over the years...after all, they've been teaching me since I was 8 years old. I wonder how much they've figured out about me from seeing me only once a week (or less) every week for 10 years. I love them both, tho, indeed I do.
Yes. This IS the way I think 24 hours a day. Beautiful, no? Or just scary? Just wait. You haven't seen NOTHIN yet... ]]> ~Rocker-Trancer-Poet