http://search.deviantart.com/?q=by:Rudea&section=today deviantART RSS for by:Rudea en-us Copyright 2009, deviantART.com Thu, 26 Nov 2009 08:22:00 PST deviantART.com http://blogs.law.harvard.edu/tech/rss http://s.deviantart.com/minish/widgets/apple-touch-icon-precomposed.png http://Rudea.deviantart.com/journal/28462985/ http://Rudea.deviantart.com/journal/28462985/ Fri, 20 Nov 2009 05:17:26 PST .... ..... yea nothing.

or wait...there was theese small things:
I found my brown shoes thats been missing since june....they where under my bed al along. and I have cleand the bedroom since then..../facepalm

I had a mental breakdown for a day and jumped on two garbagebags. I also accidently threw away someones stuff because I had an idea in my head that he dosnet care about me...which i guess sometimes is partly true, but such is life.

I lost my camera. Im pretty sure it got stolen in the park and no money to buy a new one. ye Im sad.

I burned up my favorit skirt..that made me even sader.

Today its my birthday...which is the most depressing part of this month. I hate getting older.

I ate too much chocolate and feel very guilty over that.

I havnt exercised as much as I want too due to cold weather and lazyness

Saw 6 was worse then 5. Hollywood scary movies are taking a political toll and its not even funny anymore. Expect Saw 7 (yes we gonna scream all we want but its gonna happen) to deal with issues like teen pregnacies and drugs...or wait...drugs was in saw 3...anyhow moving on.

2012 was a majestic movie that really sweapt me away. I can totally see that happning in the future if we dont take action now.

Micahel Jacksons "This is it" was simple made to earn the money lost in the event of his dead. If you are a true MJ fan then do not support this movie. May his leagacy rest in peace.

Stay tuned for more shitty drawings and 1 Painting. plan to post them today.

]]> ~Rudea http://Rudea.deviantart.com/journal/27875039/ http://Rudea.deviantart.com/journal/27875039/ Tue, 20 Oct 2009 16:10:05 PDT
meanwhile 5 days left to saw 6...50 cent on that its gonna suck.

how are you?

]]> ~Rudea http://Rudea.deviantart.com/journal/27496896/ http://Rudea.deviantart.com/journal/27496896/ Wed, 30 Sep 2009 00:29:15 PDT
I have submitted my first tutorial here on DA. It is an easy step by step guide to shading. The idea was born when I noticed that younger artists have real problems with how to apply shades in their art. Most tutorials that are already out there is more showing off the artists skills rather then explaining methods and materials. In my opinion that not what a tutorial is for. Who knows I just might submit more if requested. Feed back is always welcome.

One hour of sleep is next before my lame ass work; pray that he will leave me alone.

]]> ~Rudea http://Rudea.deviantart.com/journal/27366848/ http://Rudea.deviantart.com/journal/27366848/ Tue, 22 Sep 2009 22:28:49 PDT
of these teen bloggers is Amanda from the blog [link]. She is in the same league as Kissy kissy.se and blondinbella. A young blonde girl that makes pointless movies about her apperence and to seduce sugar daddies with her fake dyed hair and so called breasts. I have watched her videos numerous times to see if I could find anything productive in her vlogs but sadly that wishful thinking. Girls like these are attention whores, no matter what they say to justify it. I mean it’s kind of obvious what they are after when they stand in front of a mirror in a tight top. Seriously these blogs could be categorized as child pornography.

Although Amanda has reached the withering heights of popularity it’s not exactly positive. Over 95 procent of her you tube comments are mean and refer to her lack of brain (which I partly agree with). Sadly I don’t think she gets that people are more mocking her then thinking she is a goddess. Here is my top 3 Amanda blogs that I think is on the border to porn:

[link]
In this video she is not only touching her hair 24/7, she rambles about her new sweather and how happy she is to be popular.

[link]
In this video she expresses her fangirl statues over Paris Hilton and how much she wants to be like her.

[link]
in this video she expresses how she wants to kill all the friends mom with fat asses because they don’t move out of her way.

I cant resist to post my 2 favorite parody videos aswell:
[link]
[link]

]]> ~Rudea http://Rudea.deviantart.com/journal/27334978/ http://Rudea.deviantart.com/journal/27334978/ Mon, 21 Sep 2009 09:04:14 PDT
The movie has several messages about the importance of family and how you can rely on them when needed. Since I technically don’t have one it really touched my pre menstrual mood and I cried like a sissy girl at the end. I know it’s a bit pathetic but sometimes it’s good to let go and just cry a river.

On another note I actually made a new drawing. It’s a tribute to the blogger Hanna soderstrom and the lovely [link] contributed with a tribute poem to match the drawing. If I only could capture more of her beauty then my work would be complete. Then again it’s only the first skis, practice makes perfect in due time.

I currently have two themes circulating around in my head:

Ecstasy
Violent Storm

Don’t really know how to put these ideas in a creative way without taking pills XD. I made a quick sketch today over the last mentioned. I still get extremely frustrated because I see so many mistakes and too much simplicity. 9 year olds have better skills then me and that bugs me allot.

So how are you on your side of the world?

Ps. I apologise for not being so active writing, but new week new chances. I will try to post a new blog every day if people want to read D.S.

]]> ~Rudea http://Rudea.deviantart.com/journal/26812938/ http://Rudea.deviantart.com/journal/26812938/ Tue, 25 Aug 2009 08:52:21 PDT [link]
Partly because he is being a flaming retard, but also because he looks a lot like Peter Griffin from Family Guy.

For those of you who don’t know what family guy is here is a short description:
“Family Guy is animated television sitcom, created by Seth Macfarlane, for the Fox Broadcasting Company. The series centers on a dysfunctional family called the Griffins which consist of Peter, Lois, Chris, Meg, Stewie and Brian. The show is set in the fictional town of Quahog, Rhode Island. The show uses frequent "cutaway gags," jokes in the form of tangential vignettes which lampoon American Culture, society and television, and many aspects of the human condition. (Wikipedia 25 august.)”

Norm is in my eyes is most likely the person that inspired Macfarlane to the character Peter griffin. He has everything from the right body type, to the retarded intellengce that made the character famous. Here is a video that shows it: [link]
Look at his face impressions and his pokey eyes. Don’t you think it looks like Mr. Griffin?

]]> ~Rudea http://Rudea.deviantart.com/journal/26544490/ http://Rudea.deviantart.com/journal/26544490/ Wed, 12 Aug 2009 09:21:36 PDT Text without marks are mister stalkers, below is my comments.

Dear Maria

I wanted to write you one final letter to let you know of all my thoughts and feelings but I don’t have your mailing address. I hope you will read this.

For a while, I started to despise you for not talking to me and I tried not to think of you ever again. I was depressed that you left an empty void where I would normally have been able to talk to you whenever I wasn’t feeling happy.

(serioulsy..get some proffsional help, just becuase I TYPE hi dosent make me your best friend)

Memories come to mind at random moments and I can only think of the good times we shared together. I will never say that I ever regretted talking to you or meeting you because I would be lying. I once told you that if we ever met in real life, you might not like me because when dreams become real, they tend to have annoying human behaviours. But if I could have the chance to go back in time, I would do everything again, although a little differently. I have no regrets.

(what good times? oooh you mean thoose late nights you clutterd my msn with all your little pathetic problems. and yes I made on big misstake...to actaully meet you when you decdied to come to europe...how blonde of me)


The truth is that I don’t even know what I really want anymore, I guess I just want to see you again and just talk like the first time we met regardless of whether I see Camilla again or not. I have some feelings for you that I never told you about. I wish they would go away but I just can’t help it.

(Right thats why you removed my name from your latest devotion. I wonde what camilla would think if she knew that you are actally stalking her. you dont have feelings for me..thats the cheapest trick in the book..serisoly)


You don’t have to reply to this. I am just seeking some closure by getting this off my chest. If you don’t want to be able to talk to me anymore, I will respect your decision and privacy. This will be the last time I will write to you. Just promise that whatever happens in the future, never think badly about yourself over your body image or personal emotions and that you will always make the best decisions to live for yourself and not for someone else.

(so if you bet 100dollars that this wasnt the last email of appology that i got then you are a winner. I dont think bad over myself..im a godess....and you cant have me...touch luck)


I want to thank mr stalker for all thoose email he sent me over the years. I should post them scambaiters.

Im still sick...keep throwing up everythin i eat

]]> ~Rudea http://Rudea.deviantart.com/journal/26395718/ http://Rudea.deviantart.com/journal/26395718/ Wed, 05 Aug 2009 06:02:15 PDT
I did keep up my exercise up despite my throat feeling like a million razorblades. I hate running in public. People stare at me when all my fat is skimping around. If I ever get rich I will buy a treadmill for sure, so I can exercise in peace. It actually helps with my breathing, feels like everything is losing up. (I would go to a doctor but I have a phobia for people in white coats.

I miss my friends; hopefully I can co to Ireland next year for a holiday. Would be great to see how everyone is doing. I would also like to go to all the museums again and eat chocolate muffin with ice cream. Unless maybe Steven can send me a one (kidding).

So many movies to catch up with this week, so Im taking a computer free day tomorrow and just spend the whole day in the cinema. The new Christain bale movie is out and need an excuse to get out from the house. I still haft to go to the bank aswell. Oh yea and the zoo. Someone please spank me so I can get these things done before Friday?

Tristan gave me an Ipod, so now im officially maconised. How does Ipod works again? And what the hell is Itunes?

Todays videos:
[link]
My new tv god, chris hansen

[link]
This is how it is

]]> ~Rudea http://Rudea.deviantart.com/journal/26099247/ http://Rudea.deviantart.com/journal/26099247/ Wed, 22 Jul 2009 00:39:56 PDT
It’s wonderful to live with my puffball. I thought it would be more difficult but so far so good. I been a very good girl and exercised 2 days in a row. If I can get my food intake under control I’m pretty sure the weight will start to fall off. Although my insomnia keeps haunting me at night and I have been feeling energetic tired.

Today when I woke up I knew something bad was going too happened. Whenever I have a deluded headache something comes along my way to interfere with my good mood. What do you know its Mr. stalker Lam, sent me an email from another email address that I didn’t block. (Who is stalking who again Kevin?). He even had the nerve to ask me not to blog about it but it’s my blog and I can put whatever I want in it. I guess he didn’t want the world to know that he actually apologized again to me, because I am suppose to be the ungrateful bitch that’s in love with him. If I was that bitch he really wants to portrait me as I would post the whole email in this journal. Luckily my daddy taught me better than that.

Still need to finish my drawing of my balcony. Also I started on another portrait of tristan from a very funny angle. I like working from different views, because you learn how to see different lines. I will try to finish them both this following weekend when Im home alone.

Songs:
[link]
Most funniest paraody of Poker face.

[link]
One of the most classical love songs that’s ever been made.

[link]
“Too much of no sound. Uncomfortable silence can be so loud”

Other videos:
[link]
I don’t want to say about this one really.

]]> ~Rudea http://Rudea.deviantart.com/journal/25962525/ http://Rudea.deviantart.com/journal/25962525/ Wed, 15 Jul 2009 11:34:18 PDT
I still haft to make that life decision making phone call so will try tonight. I’m really nervous for some reason. Don’t know why. Edit: I made it and it was really awkward but I think all will be good in the end. So yea wish me luck on Friday. Nothing is still settled and it worries me.

I was a good girl last night and finished my drawing of MJ. I will post it as soon as I’m finished with the move and everything. My boss is holding some kind of sushi party for me and I’m not looking forward to it. I hate parties with people I don’t like.

I have already packed most of my stuff. It feels so bizarre to see all my belongings in 4 bags. I miss having a real home. Hopefully it will come soon. I committed the worse crime ever: I threw away shoes. I should be sentenced for life. Sometimes I wonder if it’s programmed in a girls brain to be addicted to shoes. Maybe it is.

After watching made on my long break I really miss being spoiled with love and poetry. Luckily I will get spoiled with tons of love in a few days and I can’t wait. On Made it was this girl Shelby that had two boys running after her, Lucas and Adam. Lucas was definitely my favorite since he wrote a beautiful poem called Masterpiece. Of course good guys never win so she chose Adam. I think the whole world felt Adams heartbreak.

what the hell? over 10.000 page views? how did that happend? I mean thank you!

Songs:
[link]
[link]
(ignore the crappy animee video)

Movies:
Bruno
Borat

Until next time. Give away three hugs to someone you adore

]]> ~Rudea http://Rudea.deviantart.com/journal/25875967/ http://Rudea.deviantart.com/journal/25875967/ Sat, 11 Jul 2009 08:30:24 PDT [link]. Stureplan is a place in the center of Stockholm, known for being a party place for the rich, social elite. When money is in involved the bigger the dramas. Swedish newspaper like Aftonbladet.se was once known to be a proper paper delivering real news. Nowadays they are mostly filled with gossip and other crap like dieting programs etc. One of the things they write about is these blogging celebrities and one of them is Carolina Gynning.

Carolina Gynning became famous when she participated in the Swedish version of Big Brother. Her apprences is typical “Swedish” with platinum blonde hair, blue eyes, skinny and DD sized silicon breasts. Her blog g is now accused of harassment since she chose to post private information and emails publicly. According to her these people where harassing her and she wanted some kind of revenge. I didn’t quite get the whole story, but her blog is being shut down from 17 July. RIP Carolina Gynnings blog.

Another blogger that caught my eye is miss Gothicbarbie [link] I stumbled across her blog through [link] and been a loyal reader ever since. I recently overcome my internet shyness and started to comment her posts too. I like her blog mainly because of two reasons: Barbie is a very colorful person that discusses interesting topics, (although her personal presentation is a bit over the top). Secondly she reminds me of my sister, who is also a she male. Somehow Babies blog reduces the distance between me and my sister, since we aren’t communicating….at all
Both my tablet and my mouse broke this week, so now I’m really sad. A new tablet haft to wait until I can afford one. My fingers are cramping up since I am not used to using the laptop mouse.

Moving to Rotterdam next Saturday if all goes well...once again my future depends on one little phonecall. How ironic.

Had really bad insomnia lately, hopefully exercise will cure that. My ankle is finally oki so goodbye laziness…..hello carrots and running.

In Progress:
Portrait of Michael Jackson
Drawing of my Balcony

Songs:
[link]
Its every girls dream to be kissed to this song.

[link]
The only song in this world that can sweep me off my feet, if mr right kisses me to it.
There is a story behind this song. When I was in school, I was maybe 12 – 13, this song was the kissing song at all the partys. Since I was the ugliest girl in the whole class, no one wanted to even dance to with me so of course I didn’t get to kiss to that song. In other words..I am still waiting for mr right to kiss me to this song.

]]> ~Rudea http://Rudea.deviantart.com/journal/25820112/ http://Rudea.deviantart.com/journal/25820112/ Wed, 08 Jul 2009 14:44:19 PDT
The circumstances around his death are as mystical as his remarkable life was. Like Elvis some fans claim that MJ pulled an Elvis and faked his own death. As we all know he had signed a deal for 20 shows on his ex upcoming tour, but in fact it was around 50. MJ was so nervous and stressed about this situation (which he couldn’t get out from) that some believe he faked his death, just so he could be left alone. This
theory doesn’t make any sense, but neither did MJ.

Rest in Peace Michael. Your inner demons can’t hurt you no more.

]]> ~Rudea http://Rudea.deviantart.com/journal/25688287/ http://Rudea.deviantart.com/journal/25688287/ Thu, 02 Jul 2009 05:20:50 PDT [link] crappy live version but stil.

Over the few days everything has sort of semi exploded and I really hate it. More and more people are teaming up against me and I feel so unfairly singled out just because I have diffrent opninons then others. Whatever happend to freedom of speech?

Its ridiculous warm here in Amsterdam and im literally binch drinking cold lemon water. I feel like a sweaty pig and It makes me so cranky.

How is your day going?

]]> ~Rudea http://Rudea.deviantart.com/journal/25655565/ http://Rudea.deviantart.com/journal/25655565/ Tue, 30 Jun 2009 16:09:51 PDT
The whole thing started with some sort of friendship, which developed into a fight, which has now developed some sort of guilt trip. I’ve heard literally everything from that little boy’s mouth: from that I’m an ungrateful bitch that needs therapy to that he had developed love feelings for me. Obviously that last part was the biggest trick of them all and I was smart enough not to fall for it. Over the years I have learned how his kind works. How they use all the tools to get what they want, and when they don’t get it, they turn around and backstab you in the face. It’s so sad to see that a grown man haft to try manipulate people so he can feel good about himself.

His latest attempt to hurt me is a meassge. I failed with just ignoring like I always do and told him once again to fuck off. Without giving him a chance to respond I blocked him both from here and on msn. Of course he predicted and planned this from the start, so I got an email seconds after the blocks. I didn’t bother to read it; instead I used my instant delete macro. He can’t hurt me anymore.
Once again this is the last energy I’m wasting on you. Please get out of my life and respect my blocks.

Note: Im not the obessive one. you are since you cant stay away from me. Please fuck off

I miss my friends…I miss Tristan..Sadness is wrapped around my big toe and keeps me awake

]]> ~Rudea http://Rudea.deviantart.com/journal/25602742/ http://Rudea.deviantart.com/journal/25602742/ Sun, 28 Jun 2009 09:22:22 PDT
I’m still sick from the summer flu and it’s getting worse. I now sound like an overdosed hustler on crack with a runny nose. The people in my house get so rude whenever someone get sick. They told me to stay outside as much as possible so they don’t get it as well. I feel so loved….really..not.

I couldn’t sleep at all last night, stayed up until 5 am, talking to Cameron about secret fantasies and anal sex (for some unknown reason I have turned into a sex version of Dr Phil, don’t ask). It started with Cam wanted some advice on his relationship. He was troubled over that he was her first and vice versa. Then that subject developed into group sex fantasies and then in some weird way we discussed how it would be if me, Tristan, Cam, and Kate ended up in a foursome. After 2 hours we came up with these conclusions:

• Both of us would be extremely jealous and uncomfortable with the situation.
• Excessive drinking would be a must if we would pull it off. (and this comes from 2 people that doesn’t drink)
• Cam would have an ongoing size competition with Tristan and it would damage his manly self-esteem pretty bad.
• Both of us have an overactive sexdrive and hates long distance relationships and parents.

I really like typing with cam. He keeps me entertained when I need it the most. I would like to have a real talking conversation with him some time. It’s funny how I blend in so easily with my ex and current boyfriends friends. That’s why I don’t have any left when the relationship dies.

I managed to finish to finish two drawings: twins and ghost. Ghost came alive when I wanted to draw something surreal yet realistic. I will play further with the idea once I moved and everything is cooling down. I changed idea about the wedding present as well. Instead of doing on big drawing, I’m going to do several small ones instead. That way they won’t see all the mistakes in my portraits.

If you ever thought of supporting me and my art, now is the time to buy prints from me, since I’m in desperate need of cash. I won’t fuck for it….but the thought did cross my mind.

Movies that rocks my world:
The cable guy
Love at first sight

Songs that is stuck in my head:
[link]
[link]
[link]
[link]
[link]

People you should check out:
[link]
[link]
[link]
[link]
[link]
[link]

People you should stay away from:
[link]

]]> ~Rudea http://Rudea.deviantart.com/journal/25569163/ http://Rudea.deviantart.com/journal/25569163/ Fri, 26 Jun 2009 14:32:11 PDT
Im planning to be more involved in DA, comminuty wise. That means Im going to roar around the forums, chat rooms, so watch out, I might just comment your newest devotion. If you think Im being to harsh or cruel, just give the same back to me. I dont mind really. After all you cant get recognition if you dont make yourself heard and that&s what Im aiming for with my community activity.

[link] is on a yugi yo torenment somewhere in France. Comment his profile and wish him good luck. I <3 you.

I was on the phone for about 3 hours last night. I called hunny first and then Taz. I dont really know what I am expecting to solve with that man. He has a ironforged ego be and cant see outside the box. It hurts me, because even a friend based realtionship shouldnt be one sided. Still, hope lingers in the back of my mind and thats prolly why I keep on trying.

Have a few drawings to finish this weekend, also a crappy sleazy photo, which I might not submit.

Some mental candy:
How can you stand out in a world where everything is mainstream?
Can you make someone love you the way you need to be loved?


Movies that rules my world for the moment:
Milk
The Last house on the left
Transformers 2

Songs that is stuck on my brain
[link]
Nick cave and the bad seeds – Sweetheart come
PJ Harvey – Daddy
[link]
[link]
[link]

]]> ~Rudea http://Rudea.deviantart.com/journal/25363729/ http://Rudea.deviantart.com/journal/25363729/ Tue, 16 Jun 2009 23:46:29 PDT
What do you think? which one suits me the best or am I just another person that thinks she has some talent,when the truth is that I dont have it at all?

Hit me with all your critques, I need it.

This weekend is no more drama weekend.It will be a good one

]]> ~Rudea http://Rudea.deviantart.com/journal/25343718/ http://Rudea.deviantart.com/journal/25343718/ Tue, 16 Jun 2009 04:02:10 PDT
The events in Sweden is really haunting me and literally ruining my life. The details of the events reached the wrong ears (well it was my fault, I covered it with a lie and got caught, but I was once again trying to protect myself) I have been tossing and turning all night, waking up from my own screams, trying to figure out how everything is going to be solved. I wish I could see in the future, so I could predict the outcome of my actions. Life would be a bit easier if I had that power but sadly I don’t, no one has.

Everything that I wanted to avoid is going to happen today: my trustworthy, my ability to do my job will be interrogated and examined. During these two years, I have never asked for anything: not a sick day, not a day off, not a raise, not for something extra, nothing. Now that I’m having the crisis of my life, and simply ask if there is a slightest possibility to go home earlier, I automatically turn into the bad one and I feel guilty about it too. Because I’m not capable to communicate with people that I don’t trust, but know I should. So naturally when something like this happens, people feel offended because I wasn’t honest from the start.

There is an explanation to my behavior and actions, well maybe two now that I think about it: one is about self defense and integrity and the other one is about guilt and paranoia. Like everyone else I want to protect myself from bad things, I don’t want to expose myself for false pity. By that I mean I don’t want people to think im trying to pull off some kind beneficial game and this is just another story to gain some attention and pity. Im not a bad person, I just don’t know how to react differently sometimes. My lack of communication skills and experience makes me fall back on my bad judgement and as a effect everything falls apart, and I am once again pictured as an instable person that cant do my job. I am good at my job, even when my life is pitch black and my emotions are going crazy, I still manage to pull it togheter but for what? In the end what am I pulling togheter for? Im not saying that I deserve some kind of credit for it but it would be nice if people could at least see that Im trying. Sadly that is wishful thinking. I have being branded as whore and a liar, its kind of hard to wash that off. All of this drama just because I wanted to make people happy, somehow along the way I forgot about my own happiness.

I am more convinced now then ever that I am not meant to be happy. I am not suppose feel content over what I have, because it gets constantly taken away from me. You could say that in the end its my own fault. I have no one else to blame but me.

About 15 min away from my destiny, so this is how failure feels like, I’ll remember.

1 and half hour later: I am the worst person that walks upon this planet, please stop care about me. I don’t deserve it. What kind of person am I, if I cant justify or explain my mistakes and actions? Im the biggest player in a unwinnable game, the problem is…I am playing myself.

I would be totally blind if I said that things can get worse then this…..trust me…they can and they will. I will be homeless, jobless in 2 weeks.
note: I haft to prove that I was assulted halleluja

]]> ~Rudea http://Rudea.deviantart.com/journal/25252189/ http://Rudea.deviantart.com/journal/25252189/ Thu, 11 Jun 2009 10:39:13 PDT Every time im doing a bigger journey that involves airplanes, something bad happens. Only this time it is truly life changing. I am violated, damaged and almost catatonic. Things didn’t exactly get better when my Paris broke down, but she is fixed now. Her fan was just a dusty mess and they fixed it for free. Hopefully she will live to see her first birthday now. Now I know that I can live without internet but not without a computer.

The events in Sweden have affected everyone and everything; my relationship, my job, my future and my friends. I narrowed them down to: Taz (although he gets on my nerves sometimes) Johan and Fredrik. These people really took care of me and even offered to pay my hospital bill. I am foolish not to trust them as much as I want to but I’m working on it. My ankle is really twisted and I can barely walk, but things at work falls apart without me so I haft to suck it up and keep a straight face. Only one month to go and then I’m free, free to feel and be as destroyed as I am.

I don’t know what’s worse, the actual violation or the fact that I can’t talk about it. I don’t know if I want to talk about it. It seems that I’m hurting people including Tristan even more when I’m trying to express myself. I have been through tragic events before but this time I can’t seem to pick myself up from it. I tried to fid consultation in material things so I bought a new cover for Paris and new headphones. Always good to have an extra pair.

I am aware of that I’m going through a crisis that I can’t solve by myself, but at the same time my bad experience of the police, therapists and hospitals stops me from taking the help that is being handed to me. I am afraid that, like on Ireland, no one is going to believe and they will take the accused side. I not even sure if Tristan believes me, since words stood against words when my ex was bugging me. I am lost, lost in a million little thoughts that I don’t know how to get out. Times like these make me wish that I had parents and family to lean on, but I don’t. It’s once again up to me to fix things, pray to the lord that I will.

]]> ~Rudea http://Rudea.deviantart.com/journal/25064520/ http://Rudea.deviantart.com/journal/25064520/ Mon, 01 Jun 2009 06:39:21 PDT
I kind of liked the movie. It was good but as great as it could have been. You haft to see the other terminator movies to understand the story, otherwise it gets really confusing. The new machines looked awesome and more power to Helen Bohme Carter for her small but important role. The most epic moments in the movie was without a doubt the Arnold ones. Although Arnold himself is too old to actually participate in the movie, I can guarantee you won’t be disappointed. Today’s technology took care of the ageing problem, long live Arnold.

On another note Im going to Sweden on Thursday to see my dad and to dump some of my stuff. I am so nervous that I been having nightmares for the last 3 days. Something bad is going to happened I just know it. Maybe Tristan is mad at me again, maybe someone else. Maybe Canada tried to ruin my life again, maybe not. All I can do is try to relax and be as pretty as I can be.

]]> ~Rudea http://Rudea.deviantart.com/journal/25009978/ http://Rudea.deviantart.com/journal/25009978/ Fri, 29 May 2009 05:59:16 PDT
Religion has ever since I can remember speculated in what the afterlife is and what happens when we die. These two mindsets have two different ways to approach this subject. Christianity believes in a glorified God that will determinate your fate in the afterlife. If you did well in your mortal life, you would be granted entrance to heaven and spend the rest of eternity in happiness. There are near death experience that states images of dark tunnels, with a bright light at the end of it.

Other religions believe in reincarnation, spiritual guidance among other things. New books, theories and approaches appear every day and we are constantly feed with these through media and other communications. Like many I also have a theory about the afterlife. It’s based on my life experience and my vision of the world. I believe that when we die we all turn into stories. Stories that are sometimes used to display the difference between good and bad behavior. They are also a tool to remember times that’s been lost.

My time here in The Netherlands has turned me into the greatest story of them all. People will tell my story and I will never be forgotten. In a way that makes my triumph into this meaningless battle even greater, because I have lead myself to victory. Long live the stories and long live memories.

I’m going to another job interview tomorrow so I’m going to think this time before I dress. A big black sheet will make me look skinny.

Terminator Salvation tonight. I will give a full review later.

]]> ~Rudea http://Rudea.deviantart.com/journal/24978900/ http://Rudea.deviantart.com/journal/24978900/ Wed, 27 May 2009 12:43:40 PDT
Instead of writing some cliché emo text to express my emotions about you and me, I will use an AFI song from their album Sing the sorrow: “There are no flowers, no not this time. There will be no angels gracing the lines, just these stark words I find. I’d show a smile but I’m too weak. I’d share with you, could I only speak, just how much this hurts me….just how much you…”

I had a great conversation last Saturday with a Dutch guy that is so similar to me. Once we started talking we discovered that we had the similar life experience. So similar that it was scary. He is 25 and lives on the border to Germany. I know what you are thinking but I’m no ho. It was only on a friendship level.

My belly dancing show was so so. I somehow missed the time and was really late. But overall it was really fun and the drums where amazing. I will most defiantly shake my ass at the next party I’m attending.

Staying in Amsterdam this weekend so I will live at the Library. Plans for Saturday is clean my room and pack the stuff I can leave behind. I’m starting to get really nervous, my flight will be at nine and I quit working at 8. It’s going to be really tight, but it helps to check in online before departure. It’s going to be so nice to see all my friends again and catch that superstar shine. For I am a superstar.

I noticed something good this morning when I was looking at my ugly face in the mirror: I lost my fat smileys. So these means that I lost maybe 2 – 3 kilos tops. Which is good I guess. I still feel like a fat svullen pig but that’s just me and my cold talking.

Its 2 am and I cant sleep, but at least I cleaned my room and packed my heavy bag. I won’t let them win. I’m staying right here.

]]> ~Rudea http://Rudea.deviantart.com/journal/24884841/ http://Rudea.deviantart.com/journal/24884841/ Fri, 22 May 2009 04:07:21 PDT
Now almost ten years later I found that same CD in one of my cases that I forgot about. Naturally I ripped it at once to Paris but unfortunate track no 8 got very hacky in the sound. I know it’s illegal and that I prolly shouldn’t ask but no matter: is there anyone that can link me to where I can download the velvet goldmine soundtrack? It would make my day a bit better.

I had a rough morning. Woke up at 8 from a nightmare and decide to go to the library to check email and post a pre written journal. The library visit ended with three new people on my block list but I don’t care. From now on, none of the bad people can touch me, because I am protect by the aura of love. I also took the opportunity to rip some of my CDs, so now I can listen to Sirenias first album again. I really missed that kind of music, gothic rock has always the most inspiring lyrics and memories. In particular Sirenias “At sixes and sevens” contains extra good memories from the Ireland period with Steven (hope everything is okay with you and that you are doing a lots of gaming. Miss you!)

I got back home around 2, after trying to reach Tristan a million times I took a quick shower and packed my Paris bag. Isn’t funny how much better you feel with a clean body and hair? Maybe the hair is just a girl thing. If my hair is dirty then I’m moody for the rest of the day. Does anyone have the same or is it just me? I’m really looking forward to get out of the house this weekend. The mood at home is so weird after I confronted a few people with the sneaking in my room during night time issue. For real I want a lock at my door.

A lot of weird things have been going on lately in the outside world. Yesterday when I was sitting in Amstelpark two uncomfortable events occurred. The first one took place at the playground nearest the goat farm. It was a couple with their two kids present, fighting loudly about responsibility and money. The women were angry with the man because he didn’t provide finically for the children each month. I’m pretty sure they fought about other things as well but since my Dutch is just basic I couldn’t understand everything. I felt uncomfortable by their violent screams so I decide to move to another playground nearer the park entrance. There a few meters away there was another guy with shady sunglasses and two young daughters that kept staring and yelling curse words towards my direction. At first I thought his was angry with me, but that didn’t make any sense because I hadn’t done anything to him. Suddenly he got up and walked towards my direction and confronted a man that was sitting slightly behind me. The father was screaming cursing at this old men, the guy didn’t get a chance to defend himself, but he managed to squeeze in one sentence: Ik heb niks gedaan met de kindern. (Which means I didn’t do anything to the kids in English). That really scared me, what if he was a real pedophile? I got home faster than I ever had before after I heard that sentence. What is the world becoming too?

About 30 minutes left until I will be encountered by a zombified Tristan. He is actually kind of cute when he is in that state. Although a bit difficult to communicate with doesn’t matter, I still love him. Plans for tonight is to see Star Trek again and tomorrow is talking to Tristan’s mom day (yes I will postpone it another day because I can). Lord have Mercy with me.

]]> ~Rudea http://Rudea.deviantart.com/journal/24867898/ http://Rudea.deviantart.com/journal/24867898/ Thu, 21 May 2009 04:17:18 PDT If My journal offends you, then it means that you prolly deserved it. All insulting, liar comments will also be reported. This is one bitch you do not want to mess with.

]]> ~Rudea http://Rudea.deviantart.com/journal/24867810/ http://Rudea.deviantart.com/journal/24867810/ Thu, 21 May 2009 04:03:10 PDT
I know why he hates me. It’s because I moved on without him. His game didn’t have the affect on me like he planned. That and he are prolly stupid enough to believe all the slutt rumors about me. Oh yea and I told his brother to fuck off (because people that can’t stand up for what they are saying, is not a friend to me).

From now on Dennis, Patrick Camilla and Sven are in the same category as Kevin: the nonexistent one. With these final words they are now nothing to me. Their names will never again cross my thought, lips, heart or journal.

So that means this journal will be a bit less emotional and more about “normal” stuff. Who knows, maybe I can finally start to write about happy thoughts and feelings. For not everyone is that fucked up and cold. It’s time for something new, so let’s try the Tristan way to approach things. If I succeed I will be happier in the end, I’m sure of that.

Night at the Museum 2 was a typical Ben Stiller movie but slightly more boring than his other movies. The jokes remind me of all those things we secretly want to say, or wish to happen. For example: Evil Egyptian pharaoh can’t get the evil door open. The first movie had a better story and a better flow then the squeal. I’m sorry Ben but you didn’t escape the sequel curse.

I bought cheap new plugins and they hurt my ears more then what the big ones ever did. I got pwned.

]]> ~Rudea http://Rudea.deviantart.com/journal/24832786/ http://Rudea.deviantart.com/journal/24832786/ Tue, 19 May 2009 01:22:13 PDT
These feelings and thought applies to Dennis, Sven, and others that choose to play the bullshit game. It’s so easy to talk behind someone’s back, but a lot more difficult to stand for it. Dennis, if she only knew all those things you said to me when she wasn’t there. Would she still see you as a dear friend? I doubt that. Then again who would believe me if I told everything, so there is no use for it really. Sven, your recent behavior shows even more that you didn’t mean one single word you said to me when you finally had the balls to apologies. I somehow knew it in the back of my mind. People will always tell you what they think you want to hear, instead of what you need.

I couldn’t sleep last night. I honestly tried, even placed my head on the pillow before ten but it was impossible. After two making the Band snoozes, I started to clean my closet and made a first sketch of Sean Penn from the movie Milk. It turned out bookish. I don’t think it looks that much like him but it was fun to draw his fluffy hair. Haft to remind myself to download Milk; I want to see it again.

I think I’m allergic to my new eyeliner. Every time I have it on I get like a stinging, burning feeling in my eyes. I also get like a nausea headache that bugs me for the rest of the day. I haft to get use to it since I can’t afford to buy a new one right now (pathetic I know)

Only working 3 days this week, so I am going to be babysitted again. Good thing that the library is open to 22.00 every day and they have free wifi. So yea I’m cheating on coffee company, but it’s so expensive in the end. 3 Euros for one hour net time. No thanks. I will miss the good coffee though.

Things I need to stop with:
• Drinking coffee or liquid sugar after 6 pm
• Stay up so god damn late
• Calling Tristan…hones are evil anyways

Shower and then bed. Goodnight world.

]]> ~Rudea http://Rudea.deviantart.com/journal/24798460/ http://Rudea.deviantart.com/journal/24798460/ Sun, 17 May 2009 04:36:32 PDT
I will make a long story short; Camilla’s host mom Pernilla is turning 40th at the end of May and she is planning to celebrate it with a small get togheter barbeque. Due to me and camellias silent fight, Pernilla feels like it wouldn’t be fair to Camilla if she invited me to the party, because Camilla might feel offended. So my other friends are invited but not me. We are talking about the same Pernilla that ripped me off 100 Euros. Because she is such a pussy she bends to Camilla’s every command and decided to not invite me. Not that I care that much, I just think it’s so ridiculous tot even try to blow this drama to something bigger then what it is. Of course she can’t tell it too my face, so like the slutt rumors, I overheard it from another person. In this case, my boss. I think it’s extremely low of both Pernilla and Camilla to team up and try excluding me from everything. It shows that even though I’m only 24, I don’t act from a childish perspective. Well maybe my entries can be at some times but whatever. I’m human after all so I’m n
ot perfect
I’m going to rise above this whole situation and think of it in this way instead: even if I’m not invited I know for sure that I will be the entertainment for the evening, with giving them another opportunity to talk bad about me behind my back. God I love adult people, they really know how to solve conflicts in an adult way. I can’t really tell for sure if this is another way to make me freak out or make some kind of a slip. In any case I won’t give them that satisfaction, I’m better than them so I’m going to keep on doing what I have been so far: To live in total ignorance and be passive. There is no point in confront them and start a screaming, yelling session. Because that’s exactly what they want, especially Camilla. I just pray that in due time they will grow up and realize that some things just need to left alone.

Today’s phone call went to Taz. I don’t know why I can’t completely disconnect myself from him. It’s like he pulls some inner secret strength from my heart that I didn’t know I had. Even though he broke me down totally (just like Tristan, Daniel, Fredrik, Marco and playboy Patrick) I can’t stop talking to him. This is bad, really bad. He doesn’t deserve to be placed in the People that changed me forever category, but there he is. If I could have anything in the world, I would like to have feelings off button. Life would be so much easier if I could just stop caring, stop being offended when the world rejects me, stop giving love to those that absolutely do not deserve it. In other words, I should be a numb living dead.

We talked about everything that’s been going on between us and what went wrong. The funny thing is we don’t exactly know what caused our drama in the first place and that bothers me a lot. It sort of a similar situation I had with Daniel, with on huge important difference, me and Taz are still communicating with each other. We both want to try to solve whatever it was that came between us and that shows a bit of remorse from both sides. Why is it that every type of relation is like a warzone, where none wants to surrender? It will remain an unsolved riddle to me.
Hormonal period is almost done, going to see Star Trek again for the third time. I am totally swept away by that movie. If you haven’t seen it then I command you to do so.

Until next week..Give one person you love a kiss on the cheek. The world needs more love in general.

]]> ~Rudea http://Rudea.deviantart.com/journal/24747764/ http://Rudea.deviantart.com/journal/24747764/ Thu, 14 May 2009 02:06:50 PDT
This is what I been told by the ones that claims to love and care for me. This is the lines that I get hand fed with, whenever I am in need of an energy boost. The lines were created by a world that chooses to live in denial and tell us what the reality chooses to mock us for; our defects and faults.

It’s a bit embarrassing to admit but I did get a reality check last Saturday when I was at my job interview ( must remember to check my email) I was happy until I saw how some people react braved to my appearance. It was almost like being back in high school when I got harassed every single day for being fat and different. Although now 10 years later, I must admit that I was a very brave girl, for momentarily standing up for myself and speak my mind. I can only blame my mother for teaching me the wrong things to use when you are in a talk back situation. She also is the reason why I tried to commit suicide three times, although the official explanation was the harassment and the bullies. I didn’t have the heart to say to her face the she was the only reason why I couldn’t handle myself anymore. In a way she still is, only difference now is that I’m using a better, healthier method: silence.

Overall like I wrote in my last entry, it went very well. I impressed the important people and I’m actually proud over myself that I showed up at all. So let’s keep our fingers crossed the hat it all goes well in the end. I really need something new, Amsterdam is too full of pre puberty drama, and it’s quite entertaining to see how it slowly progresses and involves more and more people. In a way I’m happy that I can give people something to talk about when they are bored. In that way they will never forget me, so it means that I won. I don’t know if it’s something to be happy about. Never been women of competition in the first place.

I spoke to my dad yesterday evening on the phone, and I got very emotional. My uncle is getting worse and it saddens me to see someone going down and I can’t do anything about it. My dad is taking the situation very hard and that of course hurts me as well. I should be home and give him support but I’m stuck here due to bills and a crush on a teenage boy.

Speaking of boys, Taz has being slowly crawling back to me, just like all the others (with a few exceptions of course, Patrick was smart enough to know his place from the start, thank god for that). I don’t really know what to say. Part of me wants to scream in his face and tell him to shut up; part of me misses the friendship we once had. We will see how it goes; at least I’m giving him a chance to communicate with me, by not blocking him from my msn. Of course as the ritual reads, I deleted his phone number, I am not the one who has to make an effort this time.

My period is kicking in once more after all the hormonal turbulence and I’m once very moody. I’m shutting off my phone, changing my status to offline, and enjoying the sounds of the world. If the weather is nice I might do some sketching of the flowers in Amstelpark. Might haft to work on Saturday, so in other words, an easy isolated weekend, with no one to bother or to be bothered from.
Ps. The new star trek movie was poetic, I want to marry spook,,,no seriously I do.Ds

Ps 2, I didnt get the job, because of my weight. so hurray the bullys won. I love polite fakeness it gives you the best hope and downfall ever Ds

]]> ~Rudea http://Rudea.deviantart.com/journal/24696867/ http://Rudea.deviantart.com/journal/24696867/ Mon, 11 May 2009 02:17:37 PDT
On another note July is coming closer and closer and I think I have another job safe in my pocket. I was on a interview last saturday, and it went good. Too good to be honest. I freaked out when got home because it went really THAT good. I got angry, frusterated, panicing,sad, annoyed, because in the end Im not really sure why Im staying here.

Of course I Love Tristan, but will I be really happy in the end? I guess only time will tell.

Sweden in beginning of june..Im looking forward to that

]]> ~Rudea http://Rudea.deviantart.com/journal/24496716/ http://Rudea.deviantart.com/journal/24496716/ Wed, 29 Apr 2009 12:49:51 PDT
On top of everything else, my mom got a hold of my new number,,so now I haft to change again. Just bloddy great.,

Im sad, angry and broken. Never again will I allow miss hope to enter my world. Because it hurts so much when she leaves. Tristan is gone...for the evenig so bleh...But at least Im not crying, so im getting better at dealing with theese type of situations.

I miss my dad..he is my only saftey right now.

Taz...I reached out a hand..lets solve this like adults.

]]> ~Rudea http://Rudea.deviantart.com/journal/24406099/ http://Rudea.deviantart.com/journal/24406099/ Fri, 24 Apr 2009 06:30:36 PDT
today is a bad day...a day when I dont want to talk to anyone.

]]> ~Rudea http://Rudea.deviantart.com/journal/24370737/ http://Rudea.deviantart.com/journal/24370737/ Wed, 22 Apr 2009 01:52:12 PDT
P. Diddy is like the male version of Paris Hilton. He got famous for making bad and crazy things and he has no talent. He can’t sing or rap and he haft to be in every song that his bands makes in order to market himself. Of course he charges the bands for his silly little speeches and raps. No wonder his bands ends up broke and fighting. Remind me why half of the world likes Diddy again? I swear if I hear bad boy one more time today I will cut my throat or yours.

On another note, I’m bored (but I guess you already figured that out since my journal entries got longer and more senseless). My bed broke two days ago, so that makes two bed that I fucked apart. Things are though when you are doing it with me. Now I haft to sleep on the floor the last months in Amsterdam. My back will commit suicide before June, lord have mercy.

I have found my role model when it comes to bitching: Lorene Gibson, coreagrapfer from the making band series. Her boom cats and Lord have mercy just give me chills. She has an attitude that makes the coldest divas breakdown and cry and the boys crawl like little horn dogs. It’s like she challenges everyone around her and wins every game with cusses and punch lines. Maybe that’s why Diddy have in his crew. I don’t know.

Having a few days off again so haft to escape my babysitters. Might go to Tristan on Thursday or Friday.

Edit: Im fucking sick…spending the weekend in bed.

Blake going to send you another letter, hope you don’t mind.

]]> ~Rudea http://Rudea.deviantart.com/journal/24343932/ http://Rudea.deviantart.com/journal/24343932/ Mon, 20 Apr 2009 13:46:49 PDT
I drew two new sketches, one of the top of cityhall in amsterdam and one of my neighbors son when he was a baby. I will put them up once I have scanned them. in.

Also trying to draw a new wallpaper for me, since no one wants to do it for me. but meh I cant draw or my photoshop skills are zero, I will finish it tho someday.

Diddy did it to me. His damn Day 26 is stuck in my head with IMMMA PUT IT ON IMMMA PUT IT ON IMMMA PUT IN..and his damn sirak obama. Kill me please.

No Seriosluy Kill ME....

]]> ~Rudea http://Rudea.deviantart.com/journal/24321646/ http://Rudea.deviantart.com/journal/24321646/ Sun, 19 Apr 2009 08:23:16 PDT
Setting 1
Dress code: Wee hoodie, black jeans, and white sneakers.
Makeup: powder, foundation eyeliner, mascara.
Activity: Taking random photos
Place: Red Light

Red light is known all over the world for being the district of sin and the area really lives up to its name. All over the small streets and prostitute windows are shining like red stars and the small alleys are crowed with international tourists. This is also the place for those guys that your mom warned you about not to social sing with: the hustlers, the dealers and the players. Dressed causal, I enterd the redlight around nine and it takes around 10 – 15 min before my unknown guinea pig starts talking to me. He claims his name is Albert, but since he hesitated when I asked I can kind of tell that’s a lie. Because that’s what hustlers do, they try to impress you with cheap ass lines. They think that every girl in this world is helpless and desperately seeking relationship. All that it takes is to say lines like: I’m a very serious guy, or my favorite one you complete me and I know you feel the same.

Albert walks with me for over one hour and the more he opened his mouth the more annoyed I got with everything. Especially since he forgot my name twice and laughed between the sentences. I did manage to get rid of him but of course he found me again since red light inst that big. I played along and he accompanied me for a drink, but I payed for it and he even had the nerve to make me buy something for him. His story was that he had this fancy computer diploma but he wanted to be free during summer so therefore he was unemployed. In other words he is a lazy bum ass that tries to be a dealer. That shit doesn’t impress me at all.

Of course he was black, and he claimed my mother cheated on my father since I have a black ass. He kept scoring minus points and I wouldn’t want to be neither his friend nor hoe if I got paid for it. Although it was interesting to see that he tried.

So from this point of view, a single girl walking in causal wear appeared to be more vanurble and easy to trick. Therefore the only type of guys that approaches you is the bad ones sadly.

I might do part 2 next weekend..we will see..Until then stay cool

]]> ~Rudea http://Rudea.deviantart.com/journal/24303343/ http://Rudea.deviantart.com/journal/24303343/ Sat, 18 Apr 2009 07:20:36 PDT
That means that I’m finally free from all my Friday obligations and it feels great. Not that art class was a burden but I hated that it took up half of my day. Also I couldn’t stand to draw in front of others. All the false compliments they say about your sketches because they don’t want to hurt your feelings. It felt so uncomfortable and fake but that’s how the world works these days. We are afraid to express ourselves, because we don’t want to hurt people in general. Same goes for family and friends but the difference is that it’s used more frequently. Of course they are a few exceptions, those few individuals that multiples every year and wants to be different. They speak freely without caring what others think. We the “normal” people despise them and give them names like, bitch, asshole and bastard. Because we can’t accept that kind of revolute so we haft to make into something filthy and forbidden. I love being filthy and forbidden. I rather be a bitch with a capital B then normal and unhappy. Then again I’m always unhappy, but I’m comfortable with that.

When I think about the word normal, the name Patrick Bateman pops automatically up in my head like a annoying itch you can’ t get rid of. Bateman is the main character in the movie American Psycho and as far as I know it had one sequel. He is to me the ultimate example of perfection going wrong. His desire to fit in and be normal is so big that it takes over his actions and will power. As compliment to this desire he created a deranged image of what normal is; normal is to be better than everyone else. Therefore he will do anything to make sure that he is on the top. Perfect example of this in the movie, is when they compare business cards and Batemans competitor Paul Allen has a better, more expensive card then Bateman. This is enough for Bateman to hack Allen into small pieces to the tunes of Phil Collins. If I got to choose to be reborn as a person it would be Bateman. I could do anything I want to reach ultimate satisfaction and get away with it. Because society is what it is and we love to cover up traces after insane psychopaths.

We should all just disconnect ourselves from the society and try to make it on our own. I wonder what kind of persons we would become if we didn’t have all the technology and all the other little things that we take for granted. What would the world look like? Would the expression “to each its own” be our reality? Maybe we will find out someday. I’m going to start with to disconnect myself from Paris and go to bed.

Good Night world.

]]> ~Rudea http://Rudea.deviantart.com/journal/24284207/ http://Rudea.deviantart.com/journal/24284207/ Fri, 17 Apr 2009 01:52:05 PDT
I still feel very weak, but I have been taking long walks and biking to keep up the exercise. I’m not motivated to eat much but imp trying. After all starving me only leads to weight gain in the end. Going to into the city today instead of art class, but I am going to call and cancel the whole thing. Then its coffee and wifi time. (Myeah I started to write journals in advanced because I’m bored and can’t sleep)
I’m still convinced that someone was in my room the other night. Distant screams still are echoing in my head and I’m afraid to sleep at night. Now this could be my brain playing a trick on me, because all I am remembering part from my screams, are silver faced aliens leaning over my bed. I know it’s crazy and I shouldn’t care but I do. I really wish I had a lock on my room. Really.

Two of the Tristan sketches are uploaded, still have the original ones left but for that I need a scanner. So stay tuned. If the weather is nice I might go outside and do some quick sketches of the city this weekend.

I was talking to taz on the phone yesterday, and I could take out some thoughts about July and what I’m going to do. He was just listening without giving me advice. That’s was a big relive and I felt a bit better afterwards. Part from the fact still remains, that no one wants me in Sweden and no one would like me to stay in Holland either. In the end it’s my choice and everyone just haft to adapt to it.

I bought a wee hoodie and I have been practingly living in it for the last few days. Oki it’s a guy hoodie but what the hell, it’s not like you can tell. Its sooo comfy and if I could I would shower in it as well. Nah then it would be so wet and messy.

Movies to be seen this weekend: The Uninvited, the unborn, the reader, Ink heart.

Stay cool everyone


Edit: I could totally blog for a living but that is just another dream.

]]> ~Rudea http://Rudea.deviantart.com/journal/24250266/ http://Rudea.deviantart.com/journal/24250266/ Wed, 15 Apr 2009 02:57:01 PDT
My boss jumped on me about camilla and all the other little girls that she desperatly wants me to be friends with. But Im tierd of breastfeeding theese girls with my energy. I just really want to be left alone theese last few months here in amsterdam. Besides I dont want to kill thier favorite hobby, spreading lies about me. That would be so cruel of me.

A few days ago, I had the weirdest dream about daniel/thelondhil/noobtrash. he and his girlfriend was camping in a black tent at bethoven straat. As I passed the tent he called my name and grabbed me to this trash container. There was so much we wanted to say but our mouths was clued and no of us could speak. Then somehow his wallet and his keys feel into the dumpster and his girlfriend (named johanna in my dream)started to call him back to the tent, but daniel needed his keys and his wallet so stressed as fuck he jumped into the dumpster and started to search for his things. At the same time his girlfriends screams got more annoyed ans louder, so I jumped into the dumpster to help, but the more we moved the bigger the mess got. The last thing I remember before waking up was daniel walking back to his tent with a sorry written on his forehead.

I dont know what this dream could mean. Hopefully this is a hint that we will meet again, but I will fuck it up. it could also mean that he is stuck in another bad realtionship and if thats the case then Im worried. If you have more contact then I do, please give him a call and make sure that he is alright

my fingers hurts so....to next time...peace

]]> ~Rudea http://Rudea.deviantart.com/journal/24191909/ http://Rudea.deviantart.com/journal/24191909/ Sat, 11 Apr 2009 23:42:06 PDT
Updating my gallery with project pics have epic falied due to tempory memoryloss, but Im working on it I promise. Untill then please enjoy Cross hatching 1.0 and sketch 1.

so I finally got a very uncool but practical laptop bag. My previous pink one is not broke but almost, so I gave it to tristan to use it as a card bag. Now Im just waitng for Xibit to come and knock on my door and say that he is going to pimp it.

Easter break has been very moody. Poor tristan has been taking alot of bitchness due my hormons and diet. I am following the Britney Spears thing for 4 days now and it works, but its very stessfulf for the body and I know that my doctor is going to bitch about once he founds out. Plus it kills my sexual appetite completely

2 and a half months untill my longing big break. I miss you everyone in Sweden and its going to be great to see you all again. If I can get time off from my next job of course.

Im inlove with Eurodance again. Its my new running beat and classical songs like Anyone out there, dont you know and of course the ride brings back so very werid but happy memories.

Stay cool everyone, drop me a note if you want.

Edit: Acooridngly to sweet little innocent camilla Im a big slut that sleeps around with alot of guys. One word bitch, Boyfriend. A loving caring boyfriend that you dont have. Suck my cock you whore. (now I feel better)

]]> ~Rudea http://Rudea.deviantart.com/journal/24129122/ http://Rudea.deviantart.com/journal/24129122/ Wed, 08 Apr 2009 12:42:29 PDT
Patrik, you are a player. Have fun with your little au pair orgie. btw one of them is full of std.

Im the only person with some balls to tell you all to fuck off. You cant make me jealous with all your drinking and blowing.

Sweden in may...its not going to be pretty... if we can get tickets

]]> ~Rudea http://Rudea.deviantart.com/journal/24067728/ http://Rudea.deviantart.com/journal/24067728/ Sun, 05 Apr 2009 00:53:10 PDT
Tristan shadow drawing 1
Tristan shadow drawing 2
Tristan Shadow painting 1
Tristan shadow painting 2

Drawings that needs to be finished
herr morris digi drawing 1
herr morris pencil drawing 1
Selfportrait

This pictures was my project for art class and I passed. Now I just need to find a nice frendly way to say that I cant continue the follow up course due to lack of money. (I called in sick twice,, I know its bad but Im afraid of confrontations.)

My mini vaccation in Sweden went by very fast and for once I had a great time. Might go home for a month or two if its oki with tristan. It might be good for me and my weight if I go home and recharge my batteries, untill I start a new job. I just need to find a new job aswell. Anyone thats hiring?

I need to buy new mp3 player again..no more luxary things...50 euros is the maximum cost this time

proof that my diet keeps failing and that im constantly gaining can you find here:[link]

So please no more sweet talk about that im not fat. I know what I am and what Im not. you arent making me feel better by saying the opposite from what I see in the mirror everyday.

]]> ~Rudea http://Rudea.deviantart.com/journal/23860089/ http://Rudea.deviantart.com/journal/23860089/ Tue, 24 Mar 2009 02:56:23 PDT
I cant stand you or your pink bubbles. Maybe its time to start calling all of your other friends that you claim you have on the side. Doubt that they will keep up with you for as long as I did. Please enjoy.

On a another note, Im flying to sweden on friday. Im going to a fat girl party in stockholm and Im really looking forward it. My dads birthday is on sunday, need to give him another painting since Im broke again.

My project will be finished on friday so expect some new pic on Da soon.

I Love you Tristan. Thanks for being the Maria expert.

Dont forget to stay cool Blake

]]> ~Rudea http://Rudea.deviantart.com/journal/23815143/ http://Rudea.deviantart.com/journal/23815143/ Sat, 21 Mar 2009 14:00:59 PDT
If you look back at history through the bibles perspective, you can see that God choose to wipe out the entire human civilation (with a few expectations like Noah and his wife) on more then one occasion. Why? Because we had, like so many times before showed our creator that we didn’t match his criteria for caring on his legacy. We had developed qualities like greed, anger, violent behavior that destroyed god’s image of his creation. Something had to be down and the answer was extinction.

Over the decades we have modernized into an IT society, with modern solutions to almost problem. Expect for one, AIDS. Isn’t it strange that even though we have develop drastically in medical science over the last 100 years, we still remain in the dark over one tiny virus that destroys thousands of life’s each year. I’m not a religious person but I strongly believe the AIDS virus is Gods way to say: You humans are not perfect, but you will due for now, since I can see that you have improved

It’s a silent punishment for our failure to be compassionate, kind and merciful to one another. Untill we learn to take better care of ourselfs, AIDS will remain untreatable. So start with yourself and make a change, and support the fight against AIDS.

]]> ~Rudea http://Rudea.deviantart.com/journal/23749929/ http://Rudea.deviantart.com/journal/23749929/ Tue, 17 Mar 2009 16:10:13 PDT
This weekend is all about my project, wish me luck.

Im sleepy but I dont want to sleep. so this will be a very short entry due to lack of words

]]> ~Rudea http://Rudea.deviantart.com/journal/23656487/ http://Rudea.deviantart.com/journal/23656487/ Thu, 12 Mar 2009 09:01:50 PDT
"You're the lock I've never opened
'Cause I threw away the key
I'm enclosed within my own thoughts
That will never set me free."

If I had the skills to turn back time I would never have said yes to you in the first place. Thinking, feeling made our friendship to complicated, but that dosnet stop my heart from missing your company. I dont think I will connect with anyone like I did with you. My scar is a constant reminder how badly I fucked us up. Your silence is my eternal punishment, for pushing you to the edge. How I wish, that I could truly hate you, but I never will

Today is not a peachy day, and this weekend is not going to be much better.

]]> ~Rudea http://Rudea.deviantart.com/journal/23612254/ http://Rudea.deviantart.com/journal/23612254/ Mon, 09 Mar 2009 15:44:23 PDT
Many have a hard time accepting the fact that Im no longer single. Im sorry If I cant make time for everyone. work and tristan comes first, friends will get whatever I have left.

Art class lesson 6 was fun. We practiced seeing shadows and we painting with ink. It was really messy, but it looks better then marker painted. My Project is going forward aswell. but Im still behind with it. not much I can do about it I guess.

Paris got raped so hard this weekend, but she is slowly recovering. At least I have a extra hardrive now.

My extra jobb is sucking the life out of me, dont know how much I will manage. I will do my best to keep it up. God knows that I need the money.

Im not so very peachy atm, but a friendly hello will make me smile for sure

]]> ~Rudea http://Rudea.deviantart.com/journal/23468871/ http://Rudea.deviantart.com/journal/23468871/ Sun, 01 Mar 2009 11:40:03 PST [link] Not that I care but what the heck, here we go.

"No offense, but ... People are getting too fake on me . They only want posts, comments, or to see how many friends they can get. So let's see who will actually repost this. This is a test to see who's paying attention. This is a test to see how many people in my friends list actually pay attention to me. Copy and repost in your own bulletin. Lets see who the true friends are and I think I know who you are... Repost this if you are a friend...Don't reply... just copy and paste this in a new bulletin as "Fake Friends

True friends will read and repost this. Fake friends will just ignore it"

Not expecting miracles because I already know the outcome. This is just a jigsaw tool to prove that I am right.

On another note..I finally heard the most hillarious and stupiest definiation of the diference between dating and being in a realtionship.

"Dating: Is when you see a person every now and then and do fun things. aka go to dinner and let him pay.

A realtionship: Is when you meet a boy, that gets you pregnant and then supports you and the baby for the rest of your lifes."
- camilla flippa.

Honestly I didnt know how to react when theese words came out from my friends mouth. All that was in my mind was, which movie is she trying to live after. married with children? I hate the fact that 90% of all the young girls are so blind and stupid, that they are living on stereotypes and fake dreams. All I can wish for them really, is that reality will smack them so hard so that they can get their thoughts straight. Really.

I missed 2 lessons on my art class because I simply didnt feel like going. Sue me.

Im broke...but at least I will be debt free for this year in april and still have a small buffert.

Starting my extra jobb on tuseday. I have the best salary ever. 4 euros per hour, better then nothing I guess.

I stopped partying permently. waste of money and I dont want to bump into my ex friends again. I really dont have anything incommon with them anymore and Im better off without them. I still love dancing tho.

One is stronger then the whole. 2 months since I broke up with my mother permently. Odd enough I dont miss her, but I do miss having a famly. I have nothing to fall back on and its a bit stressing. But like other things in life, its going to be a challenge.

Lovelife wise, its about time that I annouce this:[link]

We are back togheter. He still dosent care, but neither do I. Fuck it really. At least now I have a reason to be destructive..and I am going to be. and no I dont want anyone to save me. so thanks but no thanks. It will be more healthy to me then any of thoose other player realtionships I had in my life.

Im going to write Blake a letter If im motivated enough.

]]> ~Rudea http://Rudea.deviantart.com/journal/23317732/ http://Rudea.deviantart.com/journal/23317732/ Sat, 21 Feb 2009 04:05:47 PST
So its was around 11 in the evening and dennis, camilla and me was talking about the future. It started about me bitching ( as always) about my current living situation and that im fed up with being controlled. Its no secret that its almost impossible (even for dutch people) to find an appratment/room in amsterdam. Desperate times calls for desprate soultions and that is the answer to why I live where I do now. But no matter how desperate you get you should never, ever put out a add on myspace, asking for a room. Im still amazed how incredible naive camilla is, taking every pm meassage on facebook, myspace so seriously. To make matters worse, she is considering to look for a room on theese sites(most likely along with a creapy roommate. Im not saying that all the people on the net is bad, but since we are living in the 2000 centry and scamming, rape is part of the daliy life, both girls and boys should be extremly careful.

It have been said before, but I feel like it needs to be said again. Dont belive every offer that you recive in pixel writing. If you are planning to meet someone from the net, please choose a public place and tell someone where you are going.

It also scary to see the panic in her eyes if she dosent check her meassages everyday, or dont blog about amsterdam everyday. She blogs, not because she wants to, because she feels obligated to her subscripers to do so. I guess its like any addiction.

Anyhow. Im not against the net. After all I meet the love of my life thanks to the net, and he is the one that is still standing by my side when others (including me) failed and walked away. Also he is the only one that isnt even trying to save me, and words cant express how much stress that takes away. I can just be me to 100 procent and a guy like that is very rare. I hope that we will last forever. I will do my best to do so.

On a another note...Im so behind with everything. the project..my portrait..everything...Im so fucked

]]> ~Rudea http://Rudea.deviantart.com/journal/23187578/ http://Rudea.deviantart.com/journal/23187578/ Sat, 14 Feb 2009 04:16:25 PST
Its time to let go for real.

]]> ~Rudea http://Rudea.deviantart.com/journal/23124381/ http://Rudea.deviantart.com/journal/23124381/ Tue, 10 Feb 2009 16:13:14 PST
The Project is going so so. I thought I knew how I was going to do this, but as always I keep changing my mind. I still want to include patrik in the project but I dont know if Im allowed to call him anymore. I might use the only picture I have of him as reference shoot but its not a very good one. we will see. I know I should try to delete him out of my life again, but its very very hard. After all he was my best friend, and I miss him.

Im thinking to include 5 people in my project, maybe go down to 3 if I decide to paint their auras aswell ( which is quite fun I must say). I haft to start drawing more this week so I can present some sample next friday. I have no more clothes to iron so Im out of excuses again to postpone the whole thing.

The MSI concert was awesome and for the first time I had really fun with Remco. we should do it again along with tristan and eddie.

The Curious Case of Benjamin button was a poetic movie about cherrishing moments in your life and the loved ones you have. This is a must seen movie so get out there and buy your tickets.

I know all the chapelle show episodes by heart now...I need a life.

anyhow....sleepy time....good night world

P.S thanks for the 7000 plus page views, you make spin around. ds

]]> ~Rudea http://Rudea.deviantart.com/journal/22946234/ http://Rudea.deviantart.com/journal/22946234/ Sun, 01 Feb 2009 15:03:04 PST
also we were talking about the project. this is the phrase that I will you as inspiration, there is no one as special as you.

around one month have passed now since the whole mess with patrick. I should get back my swaether. I really like it.

Sven is being super high all the time, and today it was the first time I got slightly annoyed of it. but live and let live.


Im tierd...sorry for the slobby journal but im still sick from stomach flu

good night world

]]> ~Rudea http://Rudea.deviantart.com/journal/22846678/ http://Rudea.deviantart.com/journal/22846678/ Tue, 27 Jan 2009 15:46:19 PST
If I get paid this month I will go there this week to take some picture. Sven you rock, for showing me my third hometown.

]]> ~Rudea http://Rudea.deviantart.com/journal/22775512/ http://Rudea.deviantart.com/journal/22775512/ Sat, 24 Jan 2009 06:30:28 PST
We continued to work on still life drawing, perspektive and depth. My teacher had set up a large table with alot of diffrent things. This exercise was also meant for the view finder, which I have a bit trouble with. I never liked working with the view fidner in the first place, but its a very practical tool.

If you dont know what a view finder it is then google it.

I fucked up both my drawings so I wont post it here.

the portfolio thing went so so. We are going to talk more about it next week. When I have more energy I will link to the 15 drawings I concluded in it.

I love my new phone, my mom cant call me anymore..oh joy. oh bliss

]]> ~Rudea http://Rudea.deviantart.com/journal/22663419/ http://Rudea.deviantart.com/journal/22663419/ Sun, 18 Jan 2009 22:31:25 PST
Even tho my weekend was bad, a few good things did happend: I sold the orginal tara drawing, and other things got solved, while other remain having me stuck in the middle.

Im frustrated in everyway way there is, so Im back into that twitcy mood where I cant relax. The only diffrence now is that I cant really talk about it with anyone, cos I doubt that they would take me serioulsy. Maybe running will help me set my mind straight, but as for now it feels like Im slowly being suffocated by everything, and I dont have a breathing hole anymore. The timing couldnt been worse since I haft to be focused on friday.

Angie stone's song 20 dollars still remains my ultimated depression song, dont ask why.

7.30...need to get moving.

]]> ~Rudea http://Rudea.deviantart.com/journal/22639997/ http://Rudea.deviantart.com/journal/22639997/ Sat, 17 Jan 2009 19:14:04 PST
Friday was more fun then saturday. I liked the club zebra and the music and 1 third of the company.

I appologise in advanced if Im not as strong as I should be. After all I do everything with passion, even sadness. But dont worry, its just a phase and it will pass. It always does.

I cant sleep, I cant sleep I cant sleep I cant sleep. Please dont ever let me wake up

]]> ~Rudea http://Rudea.deviantart.com/journal/22609052/ http://Rudea.deviantart.com/journal/22609052/ Fri, 16 Jan 2009 06:23:34 PST
The technique we used is called sighting. You take pencil and measure your motiv veritcal and horizantal, So you get the correct postion on your drawing

the first exercise was with apples: [link]

and the second one was with bottles, worked a bit more with shadows here: [link]

The first thing we did was a few minutes of meditation. We were suppose to find a word, a place, picture or something else that we found peaceful. After we were supppose to put that something on paper.

I choose to dreaw the moon as a linving spirit protecting the forset. this is a metaphor for my own prtection. I feel calm and safe when I know someone out there is protecting me from harm

Here is the reslut (10 min skiss)[link]

Everyone including my teacher thought it was a very powerful and strong picture and I did get a bit embarressed when everyone was looking at my picture.

Afterwards My teacher asked me to stay 10 min for a small talk, Surprise surprise she dosnt hate me, she is impressed by me and wants to see more of my work Oo. Im shocked really.

so sunday is my portfolio day, wish meluck

]]> ~Rudea http://Rudea.deviantart.com/journal/22555603/ http://Rudea.deviantart.com/journal/22555603/ Tue, 13 Jan 2009 04:35:33 PST
The teacher dosnet like me either. She thinks Im too stressed to draw, which is partly true, but changing phonenumber helped alot. So hopefull I will be more relaxed to next lesson.
[link]
has been updated with a better pic.

So the plan for tonight is to stay home and do my homework on Negitve space and contur line.

if something turns out good I might put it up here

]]> ~Rudea http://Rudea.deviantart.com/journal/22494738/ http://Rudea.deviantart.com/journal/22494738/ Fri, 09 Jan 2009 19:54:22 PST
I did Survivie theese last days of torture, and yes I would lie if I said that I didnt cry a few tears over you. but no more, Im done with the drama that you are causing me. There was none before christmas, you created it with your lies. Goodbye Patrik, you really did well, turning into just another Player. Consider theese words as my cloisure.

Luckly something bad comes with something good. I finally came home to the one person that always stood by me through better and worse. He is not perfect, he made his misstakes, I should appreicate him more then what I do. It will work out this time.

Thank you blake for the wonderful poem. I really love it:

Effect
Everything happens for a reason, they say
Have hope, as the trees have hope in nature
Have hope, as we have hope in life
Pray
Live
Love
Die as regretless as one could

Hope, thats what I am going to live one, because not everyone is fucked up and cold. there are still good people out there. I just need to find them.

]]> ~Rudea http://Rudea.deviantart.com/journal/22432271/ http://Rudea.deviantart.com/journal/22432271/ Tue, 06 Jan 2009 11:39:49 PST
[link]

]]> ~Rudea http://Rudea.deviantart.com/journal/22379147/ http://Rudea.deviantart.com/journal/22379147/ Sat, 03 Jan 2009 17:40:53 PST
well this time it was no diffrent. Tre things happend that are the cause of my current mood:
Mom: My beloved mother couldnt get enough in reminding me how big of a failure I am. merry christmas to me indeed.

Bank card trouble: My bank fucked up so they blocked all thier cards, it wasnt fun.

one bad night out


My headaches are getting worse as my sleep is getting lesser and lesser. Im really at breaking point and I cant let it out. For once I am uncomftrble alone. I dont really know how to deal with it. Sweet isolation is the answer to everything.

Im going to try to relax to some crappy movie..but knowing me it wont work...and tomorrow its sunday...I hate sundays.

]]> ~Rudea http://Rudea.deviantart.com/journal/22180007/ http://Rudea.deviantart.com/journal/22180007/ Thu, 25 Dec 2008 01:55:34 PST
Friends Lost: 5
Remco: he just recently started to send me msg on msn, but I still consider him to be lost, since things arent what they used to be.

Daniel: all there is left between us now is this killing silence. Is this really the way we have our goodbye? I should have know better when you came into my life, that you were going to make me cry. You left a deep scar on me and you also killed my trust in people. Thank you.

Kech: We just stopped talking..I dont know what happend.

Anna: we had one good moment and that was it.

Kevin: It would be better if there was just silence between us after all we been through. you still dont understand that I cant trust you and I dont think you ever will. you scarred me for life. thank you.

Weight:
I need to lose weight. So next year no more candy or fatty foods, and more exercise.

Art: surprise surprise it hasnt develope into anything.

work: Im not unemployed yet but i will be at the end of july

Hobbies: I look ridiculos when I belly dance.

Boyfriends: meh let me get back on that one. Im still confused.

Movies I haft to see in janaury 2009: Twilight, the day the earth stood still and Saw V

Friends I haft to call when I land: camilla, dennis and patrik.

and lastly i need stop being so god damn emotional...happy pills here i come

]]> ~Rudea