http://search.deviantart.com/?q=by:Rumiel&section=today deviantART RSS for by:Rumiel en-us Copyright 2009, deviantART.com Sat, 19 Dec 2009 13:52:36 PST deviantART.com http://blogs.law.harvard.edu/tech/rss http://s.deviantart.com/minish/widgets/apple-touch-icon-precomposed.png http://Rumiel.deviantart.com/journal/24926566/ http://Rumiel.deviantart.com/journal/24926566/ Sun, 24 May 2009 15:06:14 PDT * Music: Nobody Wins - The Veronicas

When I thought I had calmed down a bit from my last post, something from the past struck and struck hard.

Some of you might remember that I had taken a trip to Paris back in Winter of 2005. Especially, those of you from my old LJ account. (for note/blogging purposes in Facebook, Myspace, and DA, some DA users might remember, but don't mind for the rest of you. I'm a copy-paster with these things.)

In high school, I met a guy named Don Woods. He became like a brother to me. Hanging out with him, at the time, was my favorite form of escape from my family. We'd walk to his house, play games, even sword fight. I ate dinner there on occasion and his mother was a really awesome lady. Out of all the men I've known in my life, save my step and foster father, I trusted him completely. With my life.

His father worked for Boeing at the time and gained a contract with Boeing France. They all moved to Paris and Don and I kept in touch frequently through e-mails and instant messenger. After about three months, a joke was started.

"It would be great if you were the first friend to visit me overseas." Don often would say.

I would laugh it off and we'd just talk. I was a child who had no money to go to some foreign country, let alone have a place to stay or know the language.

Eventually, his mother got involved and it became: "You get your passport and we'll pay your round-trip ticket. You can even stay with us for 6 weeks."

It was a chance I didn't pass up. Many of you got post cards or souvenirs from me. I had a great time, and there were some various small things that I had done that probably were frowned upon based on a high order of manners.

The 6 weeks passed quickly and on March 2nd, I returned to the states. That was the last I remember hearing from Don or his parents. I'd spent a great deal of time trying to find him or contact him or his parents. Nothing worked, not e-mails, he disappeared from instant messaging, and mass searches found nothing. I would search e-mail databases for him or his parents. And for a while, I even tried MySpace. I still turned up nothing.

Eventually, I gave up and under the circumstances, I honestly thought I was to blame. Maybe I overstepped my boundaries. Maybe I was too imposing or childish. Back then, I was extremely childish and selfish. More so than I should have been for the kindness I had received. I had made a bad impression. And a lasting one.

I gave up and had thought I put it all behind me. *shrugs* I'd dealt with loss more times than I care to admit to. What was another loss...? That's what I thought at the time. Don was like a brother. No... He was my brother. More so than my legal brothers are any day of the week.

I had entirely forgotten about Don and everything until yesterday.

I took my sister to a job interview at Subway in Ocean Shores, the place I live. I was sitting in the car, playing my GBA to pass the time and I happened to look up. A guy was sitting on his bike, headphones in, strapping his helmet and getting ready to leave. He turned and I saw his face. It was Don. I called out, (stupidly), and realized the headphones and the fact he probably couldn't hear me. He started off and, (again stupidly) called out his name and tried to rush out to catch his attention. Dumbass me, I was strapped into my seat. I hadn't removed the seat belt. He got away, never noticing.

I was absolutely dumbstruck.

I didn't know I would be so bothered... I'm way more bothered than I should be. Even to the point of an anxiety attack from guilt. This has thrown me more out of sorts than I've been in 8 years. I actually had to fight off tears or the urge to yell out in frustration. *shakes head*

The only thing I can think of for why is the fact our friendship never had closure... It just... Stopped. I return from Paris and he vanishes completely.

I ran a search yesterday on MySpace, refining a few things and I believe I found him. He's been right under my nose this whole time. I've sent a couple of messages, one has been read. I'm just waiting.... And for some reason I feel like I'm being eaten alive from the inside out....

"My teddybear of a brother doesn't want a thing to do with me." is what I'd thought. Even now, I still feel doubt and unease. And more so that it's my own fault.

]]> ~Rumiel http://Rumiel.deviantart.com/journal/24883013/ http://Rumiel.deviantart.com/journal/24883013/ Thu, 21 May 2009 23:14:09 PDT Music: Espacio - Ceui - Sora Wo Kakeru Shoujo ED2


Lately, I've been dealing with conflicted feelings. But above all of that, I'm just upset with myself. Somewhere along the line, I lost sight of who I am. What I'm doing... All over again, I'm nothing more than a child. And I'm frustrated by my own incompetence. My own childishness.

In the midst of trying not to hurt anyone anymore, I'm setting things up for everyone to be hurt. Myself included. Pain is inevitable part of life and somehow I lost sight of that unfortunate fact. Pain makes people stronger. As long as one is willing to be honest with those around them, the pain will be minimal and hopefully overcome in a short period of time.

Yet here I am, being a hypocrite, pulling so many strings of various people, setting them up to be hurt more than they need to be. People who don't deserve that pain. Worst of all, I'm lying. Not just to others, but myself as well.

I'm a scared, witless idiot that was so blinded by her lies that she began another cycle of pain. I'm such a child... Inexperienced, naive, and thoughtless...

You know, "keeping my options open" is a blatant set up for pain, not only for myself, but others as well. It's a childish sentiment set up in a futile attempt to protect oneself.

There's this really nice guy, not only nice in personality, but looks to boot. A real sweet-heart. And someone I care about, but only as a friend. He asked me out a while back and I foolishly said yes. I hold no romantic feelings for him and probably won't... Unless the world came to an end and I had limited choices. Sounds mean, but it's more of a compliment than one might think, since people out there like to say "I wouldn't date you if you were the last person on earth!" phrases.

On top of that, there's this guy I don't even know and just met who has taken a serious liking to me. Not that he's much of a factor. He nearly got his face pounded in when he bit my shoulder... He's lucky that Niki was around... And while being nice and having problems saying no, I told him I'm not saying "no", but I ain't saying "yes" either. That's a start to leading him on...

I hold feelings for a girl in Norway, stronger than anything. I want to place my all into that bond. It's not a relationship and probably won't be for some time. Regardless, I actually feel okay with that.

Yet, I'm scared. This is the first time in a long, long time that I've had feelings for someone who isn't Kiri. True feelings. Something that has that special spark. The last time I attempted dating was when I was 16. I'm 23 now. That's 7 years. I' super inexperienced, really shy, (especially, in person), and tend to make a fool of myself in a lame attempt to impress. I fluster easily and tend to stutter and am noticing I have the tendency to be that stubborn hard-ass type on the outside, but a major softie on the inside.

It seems like I don't even know myself anymore.... My views have changed, how I act has changed, how I handle things have drastically changed, I'm not even that lame-o depressed person. (It's taking some getting used to, but it's kinda hard to be EMO anymore. Kind of annoying actually.) I'm not even leader material anymore unless it's something serious. I don't take charge of group project anymore. I seem to have taken the backseat to everything.

I see myself in various situations and I'm no longer the aggressive type anymore. I used to be very aggressive, despite my anti-socialism. I wonder if it's the fact I'm refraining from violence... I don't get defensive when people enter my territory or personal bubble space. Like that dude who bit my shoulder. I didn't know it was going to happen, but I did nothing when it DID happen. My old self would have made the dude a bloody pulp. I would have defended myself and my body. I would have defended my pride as a woman.

*looks down a bit* I don't know what's happening to me or anything... I don't have a single clue, much less WHY it's happening... And with each day, I realize just how much of a child I am. Layers feel like they're tearing away. I'm feeling more and more vulnerable... And my old survival tactics no longer work anymore.

I feel like a scared animal that was born and raised in captivity, only to be set free into the wild, knowing nothing of the outside world and it's dangers...

I'm scared of not knowing myself. I'm scared of giving myself to someone with the risk of being hurt. I'm scared of hurting others (which is just plain stupid.... Why? I have no idea...). I'm scared of not knowing anything. I'm scared of a lot right now... I feel so much like a child, it's not even funny...

What makes this even stupider? The fact that I feel the need to find some sort of comfort... There's no one I can find that comfort in. Even a h... ]]> ~Rumiel http://Rumiel.deviantart.com/journal/24832214/ http://Rumiel.deviantart.com/journal/24832214/ Mon, 18 May 2009 23:46:15 PDT
Let's get one thing straight. Despite my out-going personality that I have around the people I'm comfortable with, I am a quiet person who keeps to myself. But I'm also an emotional person who can't lie about how I feel, much less keep it in. I'm often misunderstood, and half the time, I get into some pretty nasty misunderstandings due to the fact of a lack of communication, often on my part. I'm not a perfect person or a bubbly ray of sunshine. I have my ups and I have my downs. That's life. Anyone who doesn't have both or has one or the other 100% of the time just isn't human.

I have a heart. I care about others more than I care about myself. I have good qualities, I have bad qualities. I often have attachment issues, which in the end hurts me the most out of anyone involved. I can be an angry person if provoked the wrong way. I no longer fly off the handle on a whim. I'm often pretty gullible. People mistake my gullibleness for seriousness. Most of what goes through my mind is to act calm and try and figure out the truth. I play things by ear to try and find out if I'm being tricked. Often I tend to be rather quiet and watchful in that moment... I just don't know what to believe and rather than assume that something is true or not isn't the right way to go, so I might SEEM serious, but I'm not. I'm keeping myself from being hasty or gullible.

A lot of people play pranks on me or pick on me or make fun of me. Half the time, it's all in good fun, heck, I pull pranks myself. (Speaking of which, I still need to get McDougal back... >_>; ) People often generally tend to tell me how much they enjoy my company and that I'm a good person. Finally after so many years, I'm starting to just barely believe that to be true. I'm often very hard on myself and I'm my own worst critic. I can't believe I'm pretty, or cute, kind or caring. I never know what to say when faced with positive comments or compliments.

I fluster easily, (which for some people is a strikingly fun amusement), so I tend to blush very bad and I also have a habit of stuttering. A couple certain people find this very cute and amusing. The two shall remain nameless for the time being. =_=; But I can honestly say I like myself a little now. I like my hair. I like my hands. And I like my expressions. Despite being shy, quiet, and sometimes, seemingly serious, I have a wide range of expressions that people love to laugh at or be shocked at. For the last few years, a very rare few have seen any of my negative or super serious expressions. For the last couple of years, I've been able to avoid using violence. For the last couple of years, I've been able to curb my temper and find some other way to express my more negative emotions. I haven't found a permanent outlet for those emotions, but just in not following through with those emotions, that's imense progress in itself.

Over the years I feel I have made great progress from who I once was. And for the longest time, I could use the same survival methods and always make it through in the end. I do my best to help people and if I can't, yes, I feel bad. But then I know that I only have just so much power. I'm not the strongest in either body or mind, but I believe that in spirit, there's a select few that top me. I've made it this far and I can finally call myself a true survivor. I've survived a lot of things in life. I'm honestly still somewhat traumitized, or rather effected by certain things or set of events or types of people, but I can honestly say that I give everything a chance at least. I will never stop being afraid of certain things or types of people. I won't stop being easily intimidated. But I can curb the fight or flight response and give people a chance. I can give trying new things a chance.

I will always be afraid of men. Not for them and their gender, per se, but for what lies under their clothing and what most men tend to want. I have very trustworthy male friends, but that's all they'll ever be. As brothers or friends. Honestly, I have more guy friends than I do women friends, which makes almost little to no sense. Women...? *tilts head* That's a hard one. I have plenty of female friends and I have a few best female friends. I'm not very girly, much less very social or understanding of what women think or how they feel. Women are vague, cautious, and cunning. I often find myself drug into unnecessary drama because of them. (Like recently). But there are as many women as the fingers on one of my hands that I can trust with every fiber of my being. Those women are my solid base. Together, they keep me as the person I am now and help me furth... ]]> ~Rumiel http://Rumiel.deviantart.com/journal/24472937/ http://Rumiel.deviantart.com/journal/24472937/ Mon, 27 Apr 2009 23:15:44 PDT * Music: Exceeding Love - Himekami - Suikoden III OST

So lately, there's been a lot of changes, especially with myself.

One of the most prominent ones is how I feel for certain people, or my thoughts about them. I'd been in love with the same person for almost 10 years. That's a really long time. No matter what I tried, no matter what I did, said, ANYTHING, those feelings never changed, never wavered. I caused them so many problems because of it, in turn, causing myself a lot of pain. Unrequited love sucks. Eventually, I settled for a friendship, even with benefits. Anything, as long as I could remain at their side. Then I became less involved and just wanted a normal friendship.

There were a lot of hardships and such and I can't honestly call that person my "BEST" friend anymore. Sure, they know everything about me, and sure, they can peg me or read me like a book... But that one certain connection has disappeared. I noticed it when I realized that I was no longer in that person's thoughts. At least hardly ever in a large enough matter for me to be of any help to them. To be honest, that made me feel like shit and I felt very torn that I wasn't looked at or even considered to be anything substantial in their life. No matter how much they did for me, I could never do anything back. I wasn't allowed to. I was never told anything, never relied on, never really vented to, never asked advice, always kept in the dark. They keep a wall up that I can never climb. Even to this day...

Even more so when I ask to just hang out like a normal set of friends. I feel ignored, or something. I never get a clear answer, even when I ask for a free day months from the time I ask... I feel like they don't want to meet me, they don't want something to happen or something. Like I'm still the old obsessed me who hasn't changed. Or when I wanted to give them a present for X-mas or their B-day. Something small just out of the goodness of the fact that they are someone I care about. Not even romantically anymore and I receive the same reply. I just don't seem to matter. It seems childish, I know this already. I'm not asking for constant attention or anything, far from it. I just wanted to be acknowledged and accepted in the end... But...I don't even think I'll get that...

And now things are only going to become harder. That person is finishing their final year at the college they attend. After that, they plan to move to another state with a friend. I feel very insecure about that. But it's not my choice. It's not my life. I'm scared. I'm scared of loosing that person, even though I no longer matter. I even found myself resenting being an adult, wanting to be a child, just to have the time to hang out with them or talk to them...

I'm still scared. I still don't want to loose them.

But the feelings I had are gone. They have been for months now. And it's absolutely astounded me. How it happened, I really don't know. I just know that I don't love them anymore. I haven't for some time. I can finally move on. Despite still being hurt with the feeling of abandonment, I can move forward.

I've found someone else I like. Even though it's a huge long distance thing, I really do like that person. Cute, smart, gentle, caring, fun, and seems to love adventure. I haven't gotten to know them all that much and I'm taking it slow, but I want to learn more about them. I actually don't mind the distance. I don't mind the gaps I seem to notice. I want to be there for them, through good and bad. If they're happy, I can smile. If they're sad, I want to be their comfort. I truly care for that person. I want to do all I can to do the right thing and make the right choices, not make the mistakes of the past to the person who didn't deserve any of the crap I put them through, despite the fact they feel otherwise about that.

I don't know if this person likes me back in the way I like her. But I won't ask for now. I want to, but I'm scared to. For more than one reason. But still... For now, I think things are fine for now. I know I can at least move on. I can remove the shackles... I'm scared of the change, but I can't stop it, nor will I try. I can only look forward.

]]> ~Rumiel http://Rumiel.deviantart.com/journal/24464171/ http://Rumiel.deviantart.com/journal/24464171/ Mon, 27 Apr 2009 14:11:16 PDT
I was electrocuted earlier this week, once was fairly serious, the other two relatively minor. I left my phone charger at school and when I noticed, I moved forward to grab the charger and pull it out of the wall. I was shocked and forced back, the current going through my entire arm.

Maybe I should back up and start with the problem rather than a possible cause. >_>

I'm having actual speech problems and reaction issues. I'm slow for a lot of things I'm normally not and I have to fight to say certain words or form a word correctly. Sometimes, it's like my mouth or face even isn't working with my brain. I am starting to stutter and slur words and even typing is a chore. Meanial small things in every day life, I'm noticing are actually becoming somewhat of a problem. I'm feeling like my personality or emotional control has regressed as well on some level. A pretty good example is during the start to the return trip from the PoOC, (Power Of One Conference), I attempted to lend my opinion to a conversation and was shot down by the entire van. I acted like a stupid child and nearly threw a fit, but ended up venting and almost fully crying while talking with the advisors, as everyone else was shopping or getting food. I've been ten times moodier than usual as it is in the last week. And this entire weekend, I've noticed nothing but personality regression with myself at certain points. And Jen and Brian (the advisors) noticed as well and voiced it during my 'almost-fit'.

It developed over the weekend and got worse in the last 24hrs. I can't tell you how frustrating it is to fight with something that normally should be as natural as breathing.... *fidgets* Mom and G-ma saw it earlier, I was trying to explain something to them and certain phrases wouldn't come out and I couldn't think of any other way to say it, it was like my mind was a fuzzy blank and my mouth was like a numb something-or-other or jello... *tilts head* It's hard to explain what it's like to struggle with something like that. I have most of my other functions, but my brain isn't working like it should, neither is my mouth or face, I'm turning pretty dyslexic with my words, having to correct everything, and my physical reaction time is cut somehow. So far today, I think I had three instances of complete mental blank-outs. It was just like for a split moment, nothing worked, I would freeze, and honestly, that particular second turns into a memory blurr.

Last night, I hit my head on the corner of a table. That's the only detail I can tell you. Out of everything that happened last night, the one and only thing I CAN'T remember is where I hit my head (like in what room or building), when, how, and I can only vaguely remember a reaction. I remember the initial impact of my head with the corner of the table, desk, or dresser, saying 'ow' and the feeling of brushing it aside, with a thought of not feeling the impact. Other then that, I remember nothing. So I can't give any other detail other than I hit my head on a wooden corner of something that hit right above the corner of my right eyebrow. I can say that for certain because of the goddamn bruise.

My grandmother has tossed the possibility of a stroke. I'm thinking it might have to do with all the weirdness of static charges and my getting electrocuted. There's something else I heard it could be, something like a nerve being pinched or blocked, or the blood flow is cut or something like that. (Odd, no idea, I just know that my spine is the problem if that's the case since I have to have my back popped often.)

(this is taking longer to type out than it should. having to backspace and correct mistakes like crazy.)

But I'm going to try and find out some things at the college, see if they have a medical staff (I have never seen or heard of one, closest is the CNA students.) and see about the symptoms and go from there, if it's the electricity issue, the college can pay for the medical bills.

]]> ~Rumiel http://Rumiel.deviantart.com/journal/24138531/ http://Rumiel.deviantart.com/journal/24138531/ Wed, 08 Apr 2009 22:25:58 PDT
I'm leaving tomorrow for the hotel in Seattle.

My B-day is also on Friday. XD

I smashed my foot with a 300lb cement block and fractured my foot, but I won't do anything costly with it until AFTER the con. I want my feet for the con. I'll hobble a tiny bit, but still. It's nothing completely serious yet. Just an annoyance. No breaks, promise.

April is a busy fucken month for me, shit. O_O

EXCITEMENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What am I doing?

LIST:

Clothing
Electronics
Smell-Goods and Hygene Stuffz
Chargers
Basic Foods (Granola Bars and Capri Suns)
DIGITAL CAMERA
Shoes
Car
GPS System
Myself
Phone
Bluetooth

PLAN:

Leave House around 8am

Get to college, participate in Easter Egg Hunt on Campus.

Noon, meet up with Katie, bide our time for an hour, maybe bleach and dye my hair( ? ) (PURPLE!!!)

Go to Wal*Mart, exchange current overshit for larger sized one to complete hawt butch set (bought a set of brand new matching clothes, fucken cool looking. And bought new shoes to accompany it. It looks awesome, I swear.)

LEAVE FOR SEATTLE!!!!

]]> ~Rumiel http://Rumiel.deviantart.com/journal/23619496/ http://Rumiel.deviantart.com/journal/23619496/ Mon, 09 Mar 2009 23:37:27 PDT
Compared to everything else on campus, the club I preside over is not worthy of being called a club, much less should be running in the state it is in. And with people pestering me for this, than, and the other, it becomes more of a burden than a fun and voluntary obligation. My club's officers were filled out of sheer obligatory necessity without much thought as to peoples lives. People say that they will take on tasks and I never see any progress when I leave them to the project and now I'm left doing everything. I was better when I was left just recruiting for people, I swear... I left people to decide what they thought they could handle and obviously, it hasn't worked out and my load doubles on crunch time.

I've hardly accomplished anything I wanted with the club this quarter. I have 6 people. Enough to fill officer positions. I have 3 co-advisers. My VP is out and now days, my Sec is hardly in. We've only done one informational table in the HUB, the bake-sale was a flop, my VP had surgery and is totally gone, and we've set a date for Safe Space Training at the end of Finals day. Notes are never taken, the meetings are practically meaningless and unprofessional, disorganized, and increasingly meager. There's no funds, no people, and it's really grating on my last nerve.

My VP said she was going to make a MySpace page for our club, I set up a club e-mail and password to use, nothing was done. This was before her surgery. I'm taking on that task when I can get a spare moment. I also have to re-write the charter for the name change and a couple of other amendments to bring to Student Council. I have to run a table that had a date set for it weeks ago and will be using the same meager tools as the first table because of little to NO planning. We all just screwed around, and yes, I include myself in this mess.

I'm not fit to be President. My obligations were ignored and thus, the organization of the group suffered greatly. So I have a small speech planned for a meeting I've called my group to to confront the matter. I will be talking with my VP when I get a reply from her, if anything. She will be taken from office and her position will remain open until a more suitable and reliable person joins and decides to take the job.

I've been planning things with this group since before classes started this quarter and everything I had envisioned and planned has shattered. There's two weeks left in the quater. Nothing's been done and people are getting busier and busier with more important obligations.

I give the club one week. Depending on it's progress, it will either take off or disband. I refuse to play around anymore with this. This club has an objective to provide a safe environtment to the homosexual/transgendered community that this area refuses to acknowledge and goes as far as beating people up and harassing them because of their blind ignorance and fear. Provide those people with a haven to discuss things they can't with others, share experiences, learn more about the LGBT community, and to relax. That's not happening in it's current state.

I actually got so pissed off, I had to take a walk before I blew up at people. I was so close. I haven't blown up in a while and I want to keep it that way. That side of me should stay locked and for good. I don't need my dark side coming out to those who don't deserve it.

--------------------------------------------
On another note, I really need to start being a bitch and taking a stand. I can't keep getting jilted into things. I can't let myself be used, toyed with, or drug into something I really don't want to do and have people bitch at me for the forcefullness they used to get me to do something they wanted me to, only to be let down.

I can't multi-task a lot of things and I have enough to deal with. Day by day, I'm getting more and more annoyed, more spiteful. And I feel the old me rearing it's ugly head. I noticed it a lot today, most specifically when I had the BIGGEST URGE to hurt the people touching me. I was so not in the mood to be touched. It reminded me of how I felt when I first entered foster care. That....wild animal..... That part of me that hates humans with a burning passion. It's still there, always was, always has been.

Two sides to every coin. Good, bad....Light, dar... ]]> ~Rumiel http://Rumiel.deviantart.com/journal/23576723/ http://Rumiel.deviantart.com/journal/23576723/ Sat, 07 Mar 2009 15:03:31 PST
Although, I think the sucky part is, it's not from anyone. I'm doing it myself and paying for everything, so it's a bit lonely and looses it's meaning. At least it feels that way to me. But to hell with that, I'm going to my first con!!!

]]> ~Rumiel http://Rumiel.deviantart.com/journal/23533183/ http://Rumiel.deviantart.com/journal/23533183/ Wed, 04 Mar 2009 22:50:33 PST
On top of that, I've been depressed for some reason I can't seem to explain. Loneliness is about the best I can describe for it... Which is true... Just...It seems so petty. But then there are a fair amount of people who would seem to say that it's a viable excuse for me. Albeit true, still seems so petty. I'm an adult, 22. I don't need the childish antics of loneliness. Or anything of the sort. I was raised alone, left to fend for myself, always being strong for myself, taught to rely on no one, always alone... Why now??? Pathetic...

I'm a fool. Always have been. The sooner the years pass, the better, in my opinion. I can't wait for 2011.

I am surrounded by all these people, yet none of them seem real to what I want, to what I feel I need... I have great friends now, I really do.... Just.... I'm missing something very very important... And yet, I yearn for something I have no clue of while being a fake to the world... What kind of hypocrisy is that?

SOMEONE WAKE ME UP - The Veronicas

We got the same friends
We're gonna have to see each other eventually
So won't you tell me how we're gonna deal with that
(how we're gonna deal with that, how we're gonna deal with that)
My CD's are at your place
And you know I'm gonna have to pick 'em up
So won't you tell me how we're gonna deal with that
(how we're gonna deal with that, how we're gonna deal with that)

Even though it was mutual, it still kills inside
'Cause for so long, how I've been defined

It feels just like I'm going crazy
I guess that this is breaking up
And now not even you can save me
Will someone wake me up?
(Someone wake me up)
Never thought that we'd go under
I guess we won't be making up
And if this is a dream I wonder,
Could someone wake me up?
(Someone wake me up)

I still have your old shirt
You know the one I said I'd thrown away?
I put it on when I went to bed last night
(I went to bed last night, I went to bed last night)
Baby, is this where our story ends
When I turn out the light
Fantasy and reality fight

It feels just like I'm going crazy
I guess that this is breaking up
And now not even you can save me
Will someone wake me up?
(Someone wake me up)
Never thought that we'd go under
I guess we won't be making up
And if this is a dream I wonder,
Could someone wake me up?
(Someone wake me up)

Someone wake me up

Even though it's over now, it still kills inside
'Cause for so long you have been my life

(Someone wake me up, someone wake me up)

It feels just like I'm going crazy
I guess that this is breaking up
And now not even you can save me
Will someone wake me up?
(Someone wake me up)
Never thought that we'd go under
I guess we won't be making up
And if this is a dream I wonder,
Could someone wake me up?
(Someone wake me up)

oh, baby you were my first time
I will always keep you inside

(Someone wake me up, someone wake me up)
Someone wake me up
(Someone wake me up, someone wake me up)
Someone wake me up

]]> ~Rumiel http://Rumiel.deviantart.com/journal/23354086/ http://Rumiel.deviantart.com/journal/23354086/ Sun, 22 Feb 2009 22:48:51 PST
There's someone I'm being told to break away from and the thing is, I don't want to despite the validity of their statements. And I question myself and just what I've been doing. I'm finally getting a little over being sick, but I'm cramping, thus, it's that time. Albeit, late, but there.

My club is going under, I'm temporarily loosing my VP and I've lost my secretary. Not for the reason that I originally thought, but she's got a job now, so yea... My classes are suffering and I'm getting myself into a hole. I've got no one to turn to that I feel comfortable around. Granted, there's some good people at the college, but you know, someone special would really be nice.... I'm being pretty pathetic and hypocritical at this point...

I say one thing, then another and I no longer know where I'm at. I want one thing to ease my mind, but then another to save myself the pain of loosing what I could have...

I wish I could have it easy. That's pretty fucken childish, I know, but whatever. I've had it rough for so long, I'm just about drained.... I wish I hadn't been trained to be strong....I wish I could cry, I wish I had someone to hold me, to say everything's alright.... I feel so hollow and empty, it never ends....

And more over, just now, something interesting happened. I believe that someone is pretty mad at me, or rather "upset" or "disappointed", maybe even "hurt". Whichever it is, I was expecting it. It's something I'm used to.

It'd be nice to talk about it to reach an understanding, but I probably won't get that. When it comes to disagreements, there's always one side that will be stubborn and things will never be resolved. Though this isn't something that would be "resolved" in the sense of fixing things and making them dandy.

Granted, things between us are the best they'd ever been, there's just been something nagging at me. And I can't deal with it anymore. It's a thin sheet of false pretences in my opinion. I promised something I can't keep. And it's not romance, believe it or not. It's something else. I am being used as a crutch. And I'm still using them as a crutch. A comfort zone thing that is kept at a distance to save one or the other from pain. One doesn't fully trust the other, while the other trusts too much. Blindly. Deaftly. Being pulled along.

No matter how much I want this person to be in my life in a normal way, I will never have that. Even as a meager friendship, and I'm finally seeing it. I'm kept at a distance and told many things. I don't want that anymore. That's not a real friendship. That's not a real human type of relationship, be it friends, family, or lovers. I'm more of a pet or novelty than anything. I contented myself with that thought when I've been hunting for equality that does not exist. And the more I learned, the larger the chasm became. The more I learned, the more I realized I was being held at a distance. The more honest they were, the more hidden they seemed to become.

I want them in my life so much more then they are, yet I don't even matter. Never really did, I suppose. It's always felt so obligatory to ease my conscience. The words always felt hollow and I would willingly go along. There were heartfelt times, but then, something would dissipate and I felt like I was skating on thin ice. Forbidden territory that was impossible to cross.

Man, you know? I'm a fool. I always try for the impossible or unattainable.... Wishful thinking. Almost like asking to become a God, knowing I'm nothing more than a slave till my death so soon around the corner.

I really need to stop thinking about what others think of me and the actions I take. If I can manage to do that, I WILL loose everything and everyone. It scares me. It really does. But then, I can't keep being a child. I can't keep doing things to others for my benefit and I can't keep letting myself be used.

I'm lost.... I'm completely and utterly lost. No one to rely on. No one to talk to, no release in sight. Adulthood sucks. I wish 2011 would hurry up and come already, damnit....

]]> ~Rumiel http://Rumiel.deviantart.com/journal/23352053/ http://Rumiel.deviantart.com/journal/23352053/ Sun, 22 Feb 2009 20:11:29 PST get that luck, be it bad or good. So my friend has sucky Februarys. I
wished that she'd have a good one, and now I'm having the crappiest
month ever.

And I sit here now with the crappiest day of Feb to
mark yet. I'm fucking sick as all hell, and I'm still expected to pop
up like a bed of daisy's and dote on everyone and cater to their every
whim and need. I've been saying for weeks now that I'm too stressed to
do anything for anyone who can't do shit for themselves. Yet, I was
doing it anyway. It's gotten me sick, and now people are pissed off
that I have a life and can't do anything for them.

I AM NOT A BUBBLY RAY OF SUNSHINE THAT GOES OUT OF HER WAY FOR EVERYONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

How many fucking times do I have to say that? Apparently, thousands of times DOES NOT WORK!!!

I am an angry and violent person who is selfish, simple-minded, dumb as
fuck and the biggest failure on the planet. Get it? Got it? GOOD! One
less thing I have to worry about.

It's gotten so bad, that apparently, people have to dictate what I say, how I say it, what I feel, how I feel it, for what reason, motive, moral, anything. I don't
have an ounce of freedom. THIS is why I CANNOT be myself. This is why
people never see the real me. This is why they never will.

People think I'm strong. People think I'm kind. People think that I don't let
things get me down. People think that I don't give up. Everyone who
thinks that. You're stupid and you're wrong. I'm not everything people
crack me up to be.

I'm a selfish and violent punk with my name in a book that tells of the time I will die because of something stupid I did and saw. I've cost people their lives, the rest just abandon me. That or others have just died and people abandon me after they pass.

I get used, abused and left out for the trash company to collect. Rape,
abuse, neglect, fake people, lies....All of it. I've lived that kind of
life for years. Ever since before I can remember, my life has been
bleak without a ray of hope. Every time I hold hope, it's crushed,
anytime something good happens, something equally as bad, if not worse
happens to screw everything up.

When I show an ounce of my true self, everything goes wrong because people think I have to be a certain way to make the world spin. I get no support, no consolation, nothing. No "good-job!", "nice work!", "i'm proud of you", "you're a great kid"....None of that lame corny bullshit I always stupidly hope for one
day from those who should matter.

I sit and think about it time and time again. I have no heart. I really don't. I act. I don't truly care, I let people use me the way they want until they're finished with
me. Then I find something else to occupy my time with.

I hate everything, always have. Everything I've ever done is for the good of
someone else. A play on words, actions, feelings, a pretending of understanding. It's all too much now. I'm tired of the bullshit, tired of the stress. It's taking a physical toll on me and I don't like it.

Just cause I'm sick and irritable, people have to blame me for things, pester me every 5 goddamn minutes. If I show the SLIGHTEST sign of attitude, people threaten to quit their jobs, move to the streets, saying everything is my fault, I'm not good enough, I'm too rebellious, I'm to this or that.

I'M SO FUCKING TIRED OF THE SHIT.

You wanna know what I really feel like doing at this very minute?

I want to scream. Scream at the top of my lungs, scream some more, find
some random poor soul to beat the shit out of to ease my conscience, do everything I can to make this numb body of mine feel some sort of release.

And then another part of me wants to sit and cry like a baby, knowing she can't. Wishing she had someone to hold her and tell her things will be alright, that they're there for me. Someone who can always be there. Yet there's no one. People say they are, but that's just a lie. No one ever is or has been. It's all the same.

And people always wonder why I'm so weird.... Oh gee, I wonder why? Maybe
it's because my life is so fucked and my mind is so scrambled from everything, I no longer know what's real and what isn't and when I do, I can never believe it's real.

So I ask those higher powers (or that higher power): Are you happy now? You win, I loose. I tried and failed for the last time. I resign myself, and you can take my life whenever you feel like it. I'm done.

I've tried changing for others, changing for myself to please others. I've
never been one to do something for myself. I've never had that luxury.
I don't know how to be something for myself,... ]]> ~Rumiel http://Rumiel.deviantart.com/journal/21397196/ http://Rumiel.deviantart.com/journal/21397196/ Sat, 08 Nov 2008 23:55:22 PST
And I'm now apart of this group! Join if you want!


]]> ~Rumiel http://Rumiel.deviantart.com/journal/15498837/ http://Rumiel.deviantart.com/journal/15498837/ Tue, 13 Nov 2007 19:30:52 PST ~~~9:02 PM

2.. What's your full name?
~~~Alexandra Jay Weiler

3.. What are you most afraid of?
~~~Dentists, large spiders, not being able to protect what I have left, or to finish what I need to do with the time I have in this life.

4.. What is the most recent movie that you have seen in a Theater?
~~~Eck, most recent? I'd have to say the last ever showing of Harry Potter & The Oracal Of The Phoenix.

5. Place of birth?
~~~Madigan Hospital (old one) on the McCord Air Force Base in Ft. Lewis, Washington.

6. Favorite Food?
~~~Hard to say, I'm picky, but I love a lot of things equally.

7.. What's your natural hair color?
~~~Dark brown with blonde highlights.

8.. Ever been to Alaska?
~~~No, but I've been to Paris and England. >_> Does that count?

9.. Ever been toilet paper rolling?
~~~XD TPing? Heck no, would love to though.

10.. Love someone so much it made you cry?
~~~Yes, but I'd rather not talk about it... Still love them and always will. Nothing will ever change that. But there's nothing I can do about it. Nor do I choose to anymore. If they want it, I'm always here. If I find someone else, yay for me, if they still want me then, I will drop everything and everyone else at the drop of a hat just for them. 8 years and running....

11.. Been in a car accident?
~~~Yes. Several times.

12.. Croutons or bacon bits?
~~~Aw, shit, can't I have both?? o_0

13.. Favorite day of the week?
~~~Uh, any day I have off to myself?

14.. Favorite restaurant ?
~~~Lead a sheltered life. Don't have much of one other than Old Country Buffet in Washington State.

15.. Favorite Flower?
~~~Lavendar, Lilies, Fuchias, I like lots of flowers.

16.. Favorite sport to watch?
~~~Um...Does ice-skating or Olympics count?

17.. Favorite drink?
~~~Watermelon Smirnoff or Strawberry Daquiris.

18.. Favorite ice cream?
~~~Chocolate Chip Mint

19.. Disney or Warner Brothers?
~~~Disney, hands down, man. Lion King, Balto, Anastasia....yea....

20.. Ever been on a ship?
~~~Closest I've come is private boat, good size, and ferries.

21.. What color is your bedroom carpet?
~~~It's a crappy-ass cold wooden floor. I fucken miss carpeted floors.

22.. How many times did you fail your driver's test?
~~~XD Ahahahahaha!! I'm taking it for the first time tomorrow~!!!

23.. Before this one, from whom did you Get your last e-mail?
~~~Um, A friend on Deviant Art.

24.. What do you do when you are bored?
~~~I find something to do, like cleaning, or playing a game, jamming to music, or sleeping, or better yet, relaxing in a nice hot bath.

25.. Bedtime? during the week?
~~~Because of my schedule, 10pm is bedtime. When I actually fall asleep varies.

26.. Who will respond to this e-mail the quickest?
~~~Who knows? I have no idea.

27.. Who is least likely to respond?
~~~............*points up*

28.. Who is the person that you are most curious to see their responses?
~~~Anyone who's looser enough, like me, to do this.

29.. Favorite TV show?
~~~I haven't seen the TV in a while, but I love Heros, Life, Bionic Woman, Chuck, Cane, and Journey Man. >_> And anytyhing on the Discovery or Animal Planet Channel.

30.. Last person you went to dinner with?
~~~Uh, that is SO far back, I can't even remember.

31.. Favorite time of year?
~~~I have things I like and dislike about every season, but I love Spring and Fall. The stormiest seasons of the year. But I LOVE the morning air in winter.

32.. What are your favorite colors?
~~~Nothing beats purples, blues, and greens. >_> Especially in the right combination. >_<

33.. How many tattoos do you have?
~~~One, have three more planned.

34.. How many pets do you have?
~~~.......I used to have a cat.....My mother kicked me out, then I moved in with my dad three months later who has a stick so far up his ass, I'm not allowed to have any pets because he hates animals......It's very lonely....

35.. Which came first, the chicken or the egg?
~~~I don't fucken care, what kind of lame-ass question is that, it's too fucken old...

36. What do you want to do before you die?
~~~Travel and experience everything I can and help as many people as possible.

37.. Have you ever been to Hawaii?
~~~Haha, hell no, but I want to!!

38.. Have you been to countries outside the US?
~~~Paris, England, and Africa (which I don't remember much of... ]]> ~Rumiel http://Rumiel.deviantart.com/journal/13155523/ http://Rumiel.deviantart.com/journal/13155523/ Wed, 30 May 2007 19:05:25 PDT
I just got through editing all my pictures, save the poem and the scenic pictures. All drawings, including the scraps have been changed a bit.

~Rumiel

]]> ~Rumiel http://Rumiel.deviantart.com/journal/12589100/ http://Rumiel.deviantart.com/journal/12589100/ Sat, 14 Apr 2007 03:36:09 PDT
mood: Happy, Content, Warm, Happy.
music: Silence - Delerium

Well, today, I am officially 21. I'm over at a friends place until tomorrow evening. Yesterday was fun and so was today.

Yesterday, I went to Tacoma, met Nathan around 10am, drove to his place, dropped my stuff off, met a friend from My Space for the first time in real life at the Kitsap Mall yesterday, hung out for a few hours. I got a new necklace and bracelet from Hot Topic and then played a bit of DDR, which I'm told I was awesome, (though I have a LONG way to go, but I'm better than some we saw there.) We then returned and Nathan started working on my computer. I hadn't slept in over 24hrs, which turned into a really funny thing. (I'll have pics on it later.)

So, today, we missed out 10:15am ferry because of sleeping through it, (though I'd been up at 7am.) So we planned to take the 11:30am, but almost missed it due to showers. But we ran on and I was half naked almost, (THE most awkward thing in the world, being almost half naked in public. >_> So we got to Seattle by ferry and planned to go to the Train Station so Nathan could see his beloved train, (he's a train and trekkie fanatic.) We never made it after about 5 blocks, so I lead the way to Pike Place, (YAY! I'm learning to navigate Seattle!) We hung out there for a while, got hungry and since NO PLACE in Pike Place Market took checks which was all I had, we were kinda screwed. Subway and McD's didn't take them either, so I stopped at the Money Tree and spent $4.19 and some hassle to cash $50...Then went back to SubWay and got 18 inches of sub for each of us, plus drinks. It was about $30 plus two drinks.

We then went to Borders and in the manga section, I made a new friend, Marie. XP It was fun, she and her bf decided to follow us for a while to the ferry, which we missed the 4:20 to back to Bremerton, so we took the next ferry to Bainbridge Island and drove from there after being picked up. And now here I am. XP All in all it's been a great time away from home. A really good time.

I found out that Nathan has a crush on me, and likes me a lot, and it shows very well. Although, he's a great guy and knows that I am not ready for anything anytime soon with how things have played out in the last few months. All in all with that said, unfortunately, I've got another crush. *heavy sigh* I'm hopeless.....
_______________________________________

WEDNESDAY - APRIL 11th

mood: Content, Bothered, Excited.
music: Ritalin (nerver Filter) - Assemblage 23

XD I'm so totally excited. My computer is so cool!!! *dances* It's practically brand new!!

On top of that, I still have that 250GB HD on it's way. XP And I run with Firefox now, too! *pets the fox* XD

I actually got to see my cousin and family, so yay!! I had dinner over there, first time having home-made hamburgers in a little over three years. It was nice. XD My cousin, Kali, bought me Smirnoff, so I had some for dinner. LOL I tried Ale yesterday, and one swig and I damn near puked and I said "Never again!" He had me try this apricot beer and I still didn't like it, so I know now that I will gladly stick to my bitch beer, thank you. *bows*

I have yet to get drunk, not that I'm aiming for it. It's pretty far from my list. If anything, my computer is coming first at this point. XD

I still have some money left in my account, so yay on that one, one day in Seattle spent well with only $50 in cash. That's pretty damn good, all things considered. But now I know I MUST get a debit soon. Dear god, if I hear "Sorry, no checks." again, I'll scream. And on top of paying $13.50 for double-print checks, I have to spend $12-$20 to get the Debit, which is why I didn't have it in the first place, I couldn't afford it.

Right now, from all the lack of sleep and waking up around 7-8am and everything, I'm pretty dead-beat tired and such. Cold as well and my head hurts. But I need to shower before I decide to pass out, so that's next on my agenda.

Ja ne~!

]]> ~Rumiel http://Rumiel.deviantart.com/journal/12253104/ http://Rumiel.deviantart.com/journal/12253104/ Tue, 20 Mar 2007 01:15:08 PDT
The memories and emotions associated with thoes pieces are something better left in the past that I will soon be erasing. That doesn't mean I'm getting rid of them fully, but I have the originals stuffed in a folder that will forever remain in a box full of things from my past.

And also, other than possible photography, there will no longer be any art of the drawing or coloring type, even poems done by me.

I lost my inspiration for it all, and my skill suffered. That happened 5 years ago. I gradually stopped drawing and last year, I found out the link between my inspiration and drawing or writting....Just recently, after finally working up the patience to deal with how much my skill has suffered, things happened and I've lost everything.

I deeply apologize to those of you who truely loved my art. I thank you all as well. I will not be leaving Deviant, as I said, possible photography will be in store once I can fix my camera.

*bows*
Sumi masen
~Shalie

]]> ~Rumiel http://Rumiel.deviantart.com/journal/10408001/ http://Rumiel.deviantart.com/journal/10408001/ Mon, 16 Oct 2006 02:27:56 PDT
mood: Tired, Happy, Enthusiastic. ^_^
music: Never Alone - Barlow Girls (You must listen, it's good.)

Well, the Naslund twins stayed over. Ashleigh is being stubborn about seeing a doctor or going to a hospitol. She's extremely sick and I have no doubt in my mind that she has an ulcer. From stress no less.

Skye, being her, exsessively worries, which causes me worry for BOTH of them. I basically baby sat everyone and kept everyone from inflicting self harm, that they ate, and stayed safe. I actually ended spending the little change I had on a Sprite for Ashleigh.

Briana and I love to chat to one another....Ashleigh and Briana may be identical twins (first I've ever met, mind you), but it's so easy to tell them appart....*shakes head* Briana is sensable, smart, fun, and wacky in her own way. Ashleigh is worrysome, stubborn, and quiet, yet loud in some odd way.

I've been doing nothing but running around all day and making sure everything was alright and that nothing got out of hand...*rubs eyes and holds head* Odd thing is, I'm not totally against it...It's adult hood and they depend on me. Even if I've been lecturing all day that Ashleigh needs to get in, to take care of herself for the people she loves, it's all good....I think I finally got through to her today...

Even though I still feel somewhat helpless, there are a few things I can do, but I have to be patient for the next two days....I have to talk with the mother, and if that doesn't work. I'm taking her with me to the hospitol and asking for a charity app.

In other news, my job interview on Tuesday went rather well. I call on Monday again to find out the status of my app for the second interview. I'm planning a trip to Colorado, and I have another present to buy as soon as I can get the money. Things have been going rather well, save the whole Stubborn Ashleigh thing...

________________________________

In other news!!

I had a job interview today. It went very well, and I have one more interview with the store manager in a few days...Today's interview was by the cafe manager. I applied for Barnes & Nobles and the employee discounts rock beyond all reason.

"50% off all consumables, 30% off all books and media stuff, and since B&N owns GameStop, which owns EBGames, there's a 15-20% discount off all stuff from GameStop and EB Games."

I called Barnes & Nobles about my app, and was told they're looking at it. so I should hear back in about 48hrs...*nods*

Im going to do my best to change again...There's something I realized about a few things and I think that it's time I be someone different...I'm still somewhat in-tune with the old me, and sometimes, I suppose I come off as a bit of an attention whore...That's not what I'm after...It's not who I want to be seen as...

I vow to be stronger, have no doubt....To be there for my friends...To be their pillar of strength....

I have an even longer way to go to be who I want....I had a general idea, but now I have add-on's....

]]> ~Rumiel http://Rumiel.deviantart.com/journal/9322236/ http://Rumiel.deviantart.com/journal/9322236/ Sun, 09 Jul 2006 14:31:27 PDT
I have a job interview tomorrow at 10am....XD I applied online at PetSmart Wednesday night, and was called Friday morning. XP How neat is that?? I'm likely to land the job successfully, but wish me luck all the same...XD I'm still nervous.

In other news....

Since I'm moving, that does mean I will have to stop working at the animal shelter....I also go home this Tuesday to get my stuff...I will be online then, the computer is the LAST thing I'm packing aside from my cat and hampster....

Other then that, things are going rather well, despite the full moon, which for some reason, effects me differently in the city than in the middle of flippin no where...*shrugs* ]]> ~Rumiel http://Rumiel.deviantart.com/journal/8656046/ http://Rumiel.deviantart.com/journal/8656046/ Tue, 02 May 2006 19:47:03 PDT
Typing with an injured hand, I think to myself, "Why do I keep going?" I have no one here to support me...No one....Online friends can only do so much....I've been dealing with all this emotional abuse for months on end with no way out other than to take the beating and keep going on....And it gets to the point, I can't handle any more...I want to scream as loud as I can, drowned out the world around me.....I want to unleash every bit of energy in my body until I'm too exhausted to care anymore.....I want to do that so bad and I cannot....

What do I do......? What......do I do...? I hurt so bad inside and out......What do I do.....? How do I escape and still keep a secure place?.....Where can I go....Who can I turn to?? Who can help me??.....There's only so much one person can do with no place to go, no license, no money or source of income, no car, no family that cares, and no friends, save online, that can help me.....Online friends? All the can do is read the words I type into a box on a screen....What do I do in a town that's meant for retirement?? Not made for young people to start their own life......How do I escape this abuse?? That's the only word for this....I'm reliving my childhood and I'm 20 fucking years old.....What the fucking hell do I do....? How the fuck can I escape?

I'm so ready to burst and give it all up.....I want to so bad....It'd be so much easier to do so......What do I do......? ]]> ~Rumiel