deviantART: by:RychelManBoy

Logic will break our hearts forever.

~RychelManBoy — Thu, 03 Jul 2008 01:22:08 PDT

I decided to go through my yearbook yesterday. And as I was turning the pages, smiling at the memories, and thinking about the people, I realized something significant. My thoughts towards my old classmates as I looked at their pictures - they were all, for the first time, in the past tense.

She was awesome, I wish I had gotten to know her better.

He was kind of an abrasive douchebag.

Then I realized, without even thinking of it, that I would probably never see most of these people again; and certainly not be in their lives as intimately as we were when school was in session.

Then I thought about how we all leave numbers in yearbooks, with that ubiquitous line - "Call me this summer!" But hardly anyone ever calls. It is an unspoken code that most of the relationships we formed in high school evaporate the second we walk away from that place, diploma in hand. But you know what, we really shouldn't take that as a bad thing. It should be seen in the way the older folks always tell us - along the lines of that old clichÃ© that graduating high school isn't the end, but the beginning.

But then my realizations broadened. This is just one example how people, in all areas of life, are too reluctant to let go. Even when their refusal to move on is hurting them. Even when they know it. I've seen this happen countless times to people I love, and I've seen it happen to me. I've seen it turn people mad - driven to tears of anger and eventually into a tragic spectacle of self-pity. I've seen it nearly destroy people.

But even worse than that, I've seen it slowly eat away at people. This refusal to let go and move on, it eats away at us like a cancer. We try and act as if things don't bother us; as if, by some stretch of the imagination, we have moved on. But the slow decay is always there. And the only cure lies in our minds, that is, if we are only willing to take it.

I am talking to you, who have been in love for three whole years; in love with a girl that, for many reasons that you cannot accept, will not ever feel the same way about you. And I have seen it cause you to do terrible things; I've seen you self destruct time and time again, only to end up, after a ridiculous string of good luck which delivered you from harsher trouble, right back where you started.

I am talking to you too, who seemingly cannot get over any man you have had close in your life. I have seen you become so intimately attached - if not to the physical being than to the idea of your closeness with them, to the point of codependent fanaticism. And I've seen it three times - the third from a first person perspective.

I am also talking to you; you who have seemingly lost your very own dignity in your reluctance to move on. You know it was the right thing to do, after he cheated on you. You know that more hurt is going to come eventually, and you know you deserve better. But you chose to forget and forgive, either for sake of familiarity and reluctance to move on or for some self-crafted reasons completely unknown to me.

Most of all, I am talking to you, man in the mirror. You who have fallen so deeply into an illogical love, that you now only love for love's sake. You have forgotten the true nature of your love; forgotten what drew you to him in the first place. And now you are trapped, unable to love anyone else in the quite same way, try as you might. You mourn your wasted love, but it is no one's fault but your own.

One step forward and two steps back. It is the only choreography we have learned in this life. If we continue down this path, logic truly will break our hearts forever.

Spring is in sight.

~RychelManBoy — Thu, 13 Mar 2008 22:36:47 PDT

So, life is all a big mix of good stuff and shitty stuff right now.

I feel like I really have no direction right now. I mean, I go through day to day, with little things that I work towards that don't really mean much; I go home, I go to work, and its all the same.

I don't really show emotions anymore either; other than excitement and perhaps anger. I don't write anymore; I don't cry, I don't spend hours, just thinking, like I always used to.

But I don't know, all is not bad. I just don't know what it will take to get me out of this weird, despondent mood: if I can pull myself out of it, or if it'll be something tragic (and there's been no shortage of those sorts of things in the last year or so) that will jolt me out of it.

Life is good.

~RychelManBoy — Mon, 14 Jan 2008 20:10:46 PST

Its funny how sometimes you don't see the wonderful things that were always right there in front of you.

So basically, I don't hate life anymore, lol. I'm incredibly happy right now; and I think I will be for a while.

And that is all I have to say about that .

Um...

~RychelManBoy — Thu, 03 Jan 2008 01:32:24 PST

I am...

under the influence of alcohol at the moment

very heavily

and as if been drinking i'fve been writing a stupid poem so

i guess t5hat explains it.

Ashland 2007.

~RychelManBoy — Sat, 20 Oct 2007 19:56:07 PDT

Got back from Ashland last night, and slept until noon this morning.

Gem of the Ocean was AMAZING! I want to go see it again.

As You Like It was performed very poorly.

Tartuffe was intense, over the top, and very enjoyable.

SO all in all, it was very fun and I enjoyed the plays much more than I thought I would. It's definitely a very different experience and it was great.

I've been very depressed the last few weeks, and in many ways, I still am.
But there are a lot of things in my life that I'm lucky for, and for that I still try to keep a positive outlook of the future, even if things aren't so good right now.

And I uploaded a whole bunch of new pictures from Ashland, which you should go check out. I thank Allen greatly cause he pretty much looks valiant and noble in every picture and is a pretty awesome model, lol. Of course he shrugs off every compliment, but he's very photogenic, just ask Leeya (and go check out her Ashland pictures, too!)

You were my triumph.

~RychelManBoy — Sat, 22 Sep 2007 21:31:55 PDT

This weather is so nice.

So today, I got new tires for my car (which is now alive again, by the way) and took it for a short drive to Stirling City. I decided to take advantage of the wonderful rainy/foggy day to get out and take some pretty pictures along the way; so I posted some here

In other news, my article is in the Paradise Post today; and I was really happy and surprised about that because I submitted my article two days late XD but they still got it

Now I'm that much closer :-)

~RychelManBoy — Wed, 05 Sep 2007 15:48:40 PDT

Just got back from the DMV about 30 minutes ago.

got my license

Guess who got a job :-)

~RychelManBoy — Tue, 28 Aug 2007 16:28:18 PDT

That's right! lol; I start tomorrow night at Feather Canyon Retirement Center lol; serving food to old folks should be lots of fun (lol not really) but hey... its pay.

So I've decided. If someone isn't willing to put in even part of the effort in a friendship, maybe they were never a good friend to begin with. Especially when they hurt people and don't care.

That's my little bit of generalities for the day

A map is more unreal than where you've been

~RychelManBoy — Sun, 26 Aug 2007 15:42:23 PDT

Posted a new poem today. I've been writing a lot lately, maybe i'll put some more up.

Interesting times, yes.

Thank you to everyone who listens to me, especially when I don't make any sense. You all seem to know me better than I know myself.

Confidence is key

~RychelManBoy — Thu, 02 Aug 2007 22:11:22 PDT

.... so I am told. I uploaded some photographs from my recent trip to the Mendocino Coast, and also a new poem to digest if you wish. In my infinite wisdom I also posted it as a blog on my myspace; available to read to many of my friends who don't know about that part of myself. I guess its not that big of a mistake though. I need to learn to just be bold and not care.

I am counting the days until school starts. There is so much I'm anxious for. Three main things actually.

License on the 13th. Best friend coming home. Ending this social void of summer.

Now I just have to read those books for Old Man Ellison, and I'll be all good.

Fort Bragg Pictures

~RychelManBoy — Thu, 28 Jun 2007 20:49:18 PDT

For those looking at my new onslaught of deviations: start at the beginning; there's some words to accompany the images

I don't have much to say that I haven't already said in yesterday's journal...
although I will say I had a blast hanging out with you Rach; up until you car died! XD It was like old times, only better. Seriously guys, Rachel and I had a fun day. She even made me get a library card, lol, and let me say she is one resourceful woman!

Even if her driving is a little iffy

I love you Rachel!!!! teeheehee

A Little Better Now

~RychelManBoy — Wed, 27 Jun 2007 21:42:57 PDT

Well it's quite a nice thing to realize who your true friends are. Yes, things could be better, things could be a shitload better, but you know what, things are ok. In the timeless words of Modest Mouse, "We'll all float on alright..."

So I got home from Fort Bragg two days ago. I was able to snap some nice pictures of the fantastic beach and sunset and stuff over there, so I'll probably post those sometime within the next few days.

Following from Rachel's example, I would also like to publicly apologize, not only for burning Alex so much, but also for not sticking up for you guys more. Alex Clifford is a much different person most people perceive him; the way he can sometimes (or a lot of times) act around people is not really the person he is.

Unlike me, he is able to provide Rachel with what she has needed this entire time; someone to love her. Not the kind of love that exists between a brother and a sister, but everything it means to love someone. I publicly apologize for criticizing Alex; he has been there for Rachel not only since they have been dating but far ago when her and I were together, and I honestly treated her like garbage.

It is high time I distance myself from all these lies I have been telling myself - lies about everything. It is time for me to be myself; the Ryan that has always been, somewhere in between all the acting out I've been doing for the last couple months. Because that isn't who I am, and that isn't how I want people to perceive me either. I don't want people to have these preconceived ideas of who I am, when I don't even know who I am for myself.

The facts... the things I know for sure about myself..... well number one is that I am still completely in love with a man. But you know what else? I don't think I can let gender decide who I love. If I meet another wondrous woman in my future then I may as well fall in love with her. And as much as it was fun and amusing to act semi-flamboyant for the last few months, I have realized that that's not who I am. That was nearly as fake as before.

So I'm not sure what I need to do. I would say I need time, but then again, time is running short. I think I will rely on the only thing that has gotten me this far - my true friends. They know me better than I know myself... which at this point isn't much at all - but its enough. It has been enough this far, and it will be sufficient in the future. It has to be.

Now I am going to go listen to Bloc Party and try to sort out my mind. If you have been my friend through all this, I would like to thank you, for putting up with everything, and still caring enough to be my friend. I will try my hardest to make sure that friendships, and sisterhoods for that matter , will never crumble.

~~Seacrest~~ Miller Out.

Summer. Blah.

~RychelManBoy — Wed, 20 Jun 2007 15:47:37 PDT

Oh well Gawd. It's been forever since i've done a journal.

Life does have its ups and downs now doesn't it? That's what I'm learning this summer.

If you know me, you know the shit that's been going on in my life recently.

But yeah, I'm leaving to go to Fort Bragg tomorrow morning. I can kiss this god-awful town goodbye, the stupid pine trees and old people and everything, and escape.

Even if only for 4 days. And I might even miss you.

Maybe.

- Ryan

Through the Rapids

~RychelManBoy — Sun, 18 Mar 2007 18:09:05 PDT

These last few weeks have been so hard to process.

You know, I always preach the idea of 'change', how people need change, and how the world would be a better place with just a little bit of change. But when change happens in my own life; I am scared of it. And a lot of changes have happened in these last few weeks.

So Rachel and I are no longer 'Rychel'. Of course, my screen name will always be testament to what we had, what we were, and what we lost. But, really, we didn't lose very much. The things that were left to lose were lost long ago.

And we're friends. We're best friends, and nothing; no time, no space, no distance will ever change that. That is one change that I will refuse to let happen.

So the secret is out.

And, the process was not as bad as I had imagined it would be. It hasn't been long enough for me to properly gauge my complete feelings on the matter. One thing I do know, however, is that I had been hiding this from myself and the people that I love for far too long.

And the world treats me no different.

My friends accept me every day just as they always have. In fact, I think that some friendships have been made stronger through this. Even the people who have a reason to be disappointed with my particular choice not only accept me, but welcome me and encourage me. All my fears amounted to nothing - and I realize now that I had seriously underestimated the moral capacity and ability to love of those around me.

And life is no different.

Each morning, I go to school, sit through my classes, as if nothing is different. Because, really, nothing is different. Life will go on as it always has - now with the added fact that I am being honest with myself and honest with the world.

In the river of my life, I am through the rapids.

And life goes on.

Someone Up There Must Like Us...

~RychelManBoy — Thu, 28 Dec 2006 14:23:25 PST

Let me take a few minutes of your time to explain to you just exactly what happened at my house today. Were any of you up early this morning? If you were, and I doubt that will be many of you, you will know that it was incredibly windy this morning. I am sure that every pine tree in the Town of Paradise was bent and swaying at a 45' angle.

I woke up this morning to a loud crash on my roof, accompanied by the distant sound of glass shattering. It took me just a few quick heavy beats of the heart to realize that I was O.K., and surprisingly that the roof above my head was unscathed. So I ran into my brother's bedroom, where it seemed like the sound originated from. My brother has a bunk bed, and sleeps on the top bunk, which leaves about 3 feet of headroom before the ceiling. What I first see upon running around the corner is broken glass on the floor. I look up at him, and he was looking at me, with an expression of, "What the HELL just happened!!!??". His roof was fine, but the glass window in his bedroom was now in a thousand pieces on the floor.

At about this time, my mom came running in (my dad leaves for work at 5:00 AM and was already gone) with that motherly shrill of, "Are you alright!?". We were. There was just barely enough light from the still set sun outside to walk out and see what exactly had happened. My mom and I threw on some shoes and went out the door, and headed to the side of the house. Through the downpour of pine needles caused by the wind, we saw a pine tree on the ground beside our house. Rather, pieces of a pine tree.

It didn't occur to me until hours later, when the wind had wound down and the sun had come up, just how close that pine tree had come to crashing through my roof. This is what we've been able to peice together: From the stump, it started out falling in a straight line for my bedroom. However, it hit another pine tree that was closer to my room (you can tell by the huge scrapes on it) and was deflected to the far corner of my bedroom, where it smashed into (which only damaged the gutter and broke a floodlight on the eaves), then the rest broke off, started falling away from my house, but hit another pine tree, snapped again, and the top of the tree fell back towards the house to just barely break out my brother's bedroom window.

Yep, it was pretty crazy. I'll probably put some pictures into scraps to better describe what words cannot. It's quite frankly a miracle that the entire tree didn't just slice through our house - a pine tree into a mobile home is like a hot knife through butter - and a hollow stick of butter at that.

Someone up there must like us quite a bit.

Scratch Perfect Attendance

~RychelManBoy — Thu, 26 Oct 2006 16:04:41 PDT

So I stayed home sick from school today! *gasp*!!!! And I'm really bummed because I was going to try for perfect attendance this year! (As if that would make up for last year - lol - who am I kidding?)

But anywhoo, I'm pretty happy right now because I think I'm going to do well on our A.P. History test tommorrow and because I'm headed off to Woodleaf this weekend for work crew, which is always lots of fun.

Don't read anything into the me not being at school today. I was feeling muy mal y enfermo this morning. And I wanted to go to school, porque me gusta mucho ir al escuela. Pero, I decided that I should stay home and rest because on top of feeling crappy and like I have barbed wire in my throat, I had no voice, and I'm sure what element of voice-making ability left in my throat have died out before 2nd period rolled around, and that would be pretty frustrating! And you should learn a little bit of Espanol if you didn't get that spanglish up there.

Peace out, my P-town homies! And rest assured: good old, chipper Ryan will be back at school tommorrow

She's gonna kill me.....

~RychelManBoy — Sat, 07 Oct 2006 23:22:39 PDT

Well, Rachel and I had a very interesting evening. For those of you keeping tabs, tonight - October the 7th, marks year one of our together-ness.

So, we went to the Thai place on Skyway & Billie and had really really good curry. Then, we walked down to the Terry Ashe Park; but it was closed because of Jonny Appleseed days (An old volunteer police guy yelled at us). So; we walked up Elliot, and up the bike path.

It is worth noting that by now it was around 8:30 --- my parents were in Chico at dinner and Rachel's parents probably would have already retired for the night -- and who wants a grumpy Jim Boyd to come pick you up?

So, I had the fabulous idea that we should just walk up the bike path to my house. It was pitch black, and we sat down at a bench and I was going to call my parents to tell them the 'plan', since I thought they would be back up in time to drive us home.

Now, Rachel's going to kill me for telling y'all about this, but the whole walk thus far she had been totally having to relieve herself.

So, she proceeded to run off into the pitch black, hobo-infested bushes to go pee; while I was trying with mixed success to explain to my mom on the phone that we wouldn't be having mad gorilla sex in my bedroom when they got home.

After this little venture, and after a small aside from Rachel that went along the lines of, "there's a reason girls don't usually go pee outside", we proceeded to proceed up the still pitch-black; imaginary hobo-infested bike path.

At this point I was pretty dang stressed out, because we had like a long time until my parents would be back up in town to pick us up, and because I swear those bushes just screamed, "hobos are here to RAPE you!!!" So I valiantly took my cell phone out of my pocket; turned it to 'lantern' mode and waved it back and forth, staving off those vicious mobs of imaginary hobos.

We finally got to Maxwell, so to avoid those angry, shadow-lurking hobos, we walked along Skyway up to Billie, then all the way up Billie to Clark, then all the way up Clark to Wagstaff, where we exhaustedly pulled into Baskin Robbins.

We probably walked more than 3 miles, in a weird zig-zag, loop-de-loopy pattern around this town we call Paradise. So we shared a chocolate Bliss sundae; and it was totally worth it. Finally my parents were in town; and I was considerably less stressed out, and they picked us up, everything was fine and dandy. But yes, it was definitely an interesting night. And she's going to kill me for telling y'alls about that peeing in the bushes part. Myself; I find it quite amusing. Desperate times call for desperate measure, am I not right?

And Rachel, I loved your note . I'm looking forward to your CD, pictures, and drawing because they're all awesome And please don't kill me

One more week....

~RychelManBoy — Tue, 15 Aug 2006 16:35:30 PDT

I can't believe there's only a week left of summer. I still haven't finished reading "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest"; and I still haven't even started on my essay. I think I'll finish everything just fine (I can kick things into high gear when I'm in the 'panic' stage) I just wish I would have read the books earlier and not put them off.

All that aside, we had a wonderful trip to San Francisco yesterday. We went to the SF Zoo and we all had a good time, especially my little sister. After that we drove through downtown and parked the car at a parking garage (They charged 13 bucks!) near Fisherman's Wharf. We walked around for a long time (this is the touristy part of town) looking for a nice restaurant. After much arguement (My mom wanted to go to an expensive seafood place, my Dad was semi-seriously joking about going to Hooters ("It's a family restaurant!" he kept on pleading), and Justin and Kelsey just wanted to go home and get fast food on the way. Then, I spotted an In'n'Out and we all agreed to go there (By this time, we were all tired of walking around, tired of arguing, and incredibly hungry)

After we all stuffed ourselves with inexpensive but good burgers (we need to go to the one in Chico more often, I forgot how good they were) we were all in a way better mood. We had a lot of fun browsing through street-front shops and we found a good ice cream place, and everyone was happy. At one of those Touristified stret-front clothes shops, my mom dared me to get an "I heart SF" shirt because she said it was so gay I would never wear it. I had to prove her wrong, of course, so I bought it (actually, she paid for it) and now I have to wear it to school as part of the deal. I mean, come on, guys, you can 'heart' SF without being gay, right? And I'm secure enough in my masculinity... er wait, considering Rachel could take me down... let me restate that, I'm secure enough at least in my heterosexuality that I am totally gonna wear it to school.

And the best part about the trip is that I was able to get some really good pictures of the City; this is the first time my memory card has even been remotely close to full. Infact, I think I'll go post some right now.

Miller, Out!

So much to write about!

~RychelManBoy — Mon, 03 Jul 2006 21:35:07 PDT

I'm sure you guys are used to my insanely long stream-of-consciousness journals here on dA, and I have to report that this will be another one. I haven't done a journal for so long and there is so much to talk about! Let's start with HOBY. If you haven't heard of it, it stands for Hugh O'Brien Youth Leadership, and it was seriously the most amazing weekend in my life. Before I went, I had like no idea of what it was about either.

I had to be in San Francisco 8:00 Thursday morning, so my Dad and I had to leave at 3:00 A.M. (which he was pretty pissed about) I just stayed up the entire night because I was too excited/anxious to get any sleep. We made really good time until we hit Oakland at about 6:30. I'm really glad I convinced my Dad to leave at 3 and not 4 because it seriously took us about an hour just to get over the Bay Bridge (they were retrofitting the bridge and doing road work). It was pretty cool though, it was still early morning so there was fog out over the other side of the penninsula, and it was totally covering the Golden Gate Bridge expect for the top, so you could just see the red towers poking out of the clouds which looked really cool. I wish I had had a camera! (OK, no more hints, lol) Anyway, when we got to the college in Belmont that we would be staying at, we thought we were lost until we saw some 'crazy' people with HOBY signs jumping up and down and all around, and on our car for that matter!
At the parking lot, my dad pretty much handed me my stuff and sayed, 'Well, I hope you have fun.'

And I definitely did. There were 120 other sophomores from around the state who were all pretty much in the same condition as me when we got there. (a.k.a. 'Who are these weird people, and why did I come here again?') It was no time at all until we all started getting to know each other, though, and let me tell you that we were all amazing. I guess that when you go to a regular public school like PHS, where probably 90% of the school is apathetic to what is going on in the world (and most of the rest don't have enough enthusiasm to do anything about it) it's easy to lose hope in our generation. But, as I've said probably a few times by now, these were amazing people and we all opened up more and more as we got into the weekend. It was great because we could all get into debates, and we could all discuss politics or argue our points, but we all valued each other's opinions, and there was a great deal of respect and usually a sense of understanding at the end of our debates.

We also got to meet a lot of interesting people in the Government and different experts from all sorts of fields. We had panels where we could go up to the microphone and ask them about whatever, and it was really interesting. We had a woman who was on the U.N. Human Rights Commission and actually got to sit in as the Representative of Human Rights iat the UN in New York (as in, she had sat at the same table from the top representatives from every country in the world). It was really cool talking to her. We also had Mother Teresa's former aide, who had been traveling all over the world with her (yah, she was Mother F'ing Teresa's home-dog!) and knew her really well.

Oh, and they had some of the High School Ambassadors (that's what they called us, hehe, I was PHS's 'ambassador!') introduce the panelists. As luck would have it, I had to interview (before the panel started) and then introduce one of the panelists. She was Steve Westley's top aide (Steve Westley is the State Controller, who's running for governor right now) and totally get to know her. It was kinda funny, because here I am interviewing a government official who could well be very high up if Westley gets elected, and she's asking me about Paradise and my life and whatnot as if it's just as interesting as everything she has to say. So, to make a long story a little bit longer, after writing down and remembering some things about her I had to go up to the mic in front of everyone and introduce her to the panel, which was, suprisingly, not nerve-wracking. The entire weekend really made me come out of my shell, I guess that's the best way to summarize it. And I'm definitely going to go back next year as J-Crew, which are 'HOBY Alumni' and go back to facilitate next year and make sure it is an awesome year for next year's sophomores. I made so many freinds there and we are all keeping in touch, and I'm guessing most of us will be back next year (I know I will!)

So, moving along. A couple weeks after HOBY, school got out. Then, 5 days later, school got in again. Summer School, that is. I really can't complain, because I took the 10-day D.E. and Health courses, and I'm now done. Poor Heather has a ways to go. But, despite it's short time span it was still incredibly boring, and it sucked because Food and I had to walk in the morning. But oh well...

I actually get to leave Paradise for a weekend!

~RychelManBoy — Sun, 07 May 2006 14:02:25 PDT

Well; It's getting towards the end of the schoolyear and things are looking like they're coming together. I was stressing over a lot of thigs that are now passing over and it's a big relief. All my paperwork and such is in for that HOBY seminar that I get to go - I'm really excited because for once I get to leave P-town for a weekend and go talk with other kids from all over the state. (Not like I don't like it here; but it's nice to go somehwere new and 'important' for a change!). It's going to be in Belmont which is pretty much between San Francisco and San Jose on the lower bay; and I'm hoping it will be cool.

And since I'm so bored right now - I'm going to play the 'shuffle' game that Food did in one of her journals with all the random mp3's that I have on my computer. Of course; the results will probably be scewed in favor of Coldplay and Death Cab and bands that I have alot of their music; and also I have alot of 90's one hit wonders and such for a CD i'm making for Katrina; but we'll see what Winamp throws at me.

1. How does the world see you? "Be Without You" - Mary J. Blige (That is SOOO much of a confidence booster!!!)

2. Will I have a happy life? "Beverly Hills" - Weezer (Well I must be living a pretty good life if i'm in Beverly Hills!)

3. What do my friends think of me? "Life is full of Possibilities" - Dntel (Well that's good, I guess...)

4. Do people secretly lust after me? "You Get What You Give" - The New Radicals (So, does that mean that if I lust after someone else they will lust after me? Ooh - in that case than many people must! JK!)

5. How can I make myself happy? "What is Love" - Haddaway (Kind of self explanatory there)

6. What should I do with my life? "Politik" - Coldplay (I should go into politics, then?)

7. Will I ever have children? "Against All Odds" - The Postal Service (LOL - I guess there was some doubt that I could ever have children?)

8. What is some good advice for me? "Going the Distance" - Cake (Well then I'll try to 'go the distance' more often...)

9. How will I be remembered? "Imperfection" - Skillet (Well nobody is perfect!!)

10. What's my signature dancing song? "The New Year" - Death Cab for Cutie (Hmm, seeing as how it's May already not much relevance here)

11. What's my current themesong? "I'm no Angel" - Dido (So true!)

12. What do others think is my current themesong? "Going Under" - Evanescense (Quick everybody! Make sure I don't have a relapse into acting emo again!)

13. What shall they play at my funeral? "Let's Get it Started" - The Black Eyed Peas (So then; people were just waiting for me to die!?)

14. What type of women do I like? "Don't Stop" - Fleetwood Mac (That could be taken many ways)

15. How's my love life? "Mr. Brightside" - The Killers (At least I'm optimistic!)

Well that was pretty fun! See yalls at school and be sure to wish Candace well; she's pretty darn sick!

It's been a while!

~RychelManBoy — Tue, 25 Apr 2006 18:58:03 PDT

It's been a while... but here I am again! My last - err - like more than 2 months since I last posted a journal have been mostly good and getting better. I feel good when I feel productive - and I've actually been productive lately - so I feel like I can actually take stuff on now. I forgot how good it feels to be in a good mood! I've also (like anyone cares) been listening to Coldplay again lately; their songs always put me in a good mood (or at least give me something to sing to.) One line from 'Twisted Logic' always plays over in my head: You'll go backwards; but then, you'll go forwards again I know it's corny but that is a very true line for me and I flove that song anyway.

Spring Break was nice; I spent most of the time at my Grandparents. Candace's 80's party was also great; and I really thought I looked creepy in that emo makeup. It wasn't even really emo; it was more like Kiss minus the white facepaint. Anyway; more recently; we had state testing today which I'm sure all you had fun on. Since I have chemish 2nd period; as soon as the last person finished closed their booklet; Pedit was all "let's do some Chemistry!!!" all enthusiastically. So we did. Ugh. That guy needs to have an unfortunate accident with some Sulpheric Acid (H2SO4 - I felt compelled to say that...)

But that still didn't spoil my day; I had a great day today! Candace (my flovable sis) even butt-banged me! You'll have to ask her about that one...

Since I got tagged by none other than the notorious and mischevious (and devious) REINFIRE ; I am compelled to fill this out:

By the way, Rachel, youre journal is titled "Curse you, Food!" I read it (the title), of course, before i know that it was FOOD that tagged you; so it sounded like you were like going anorexic or something and were going to declare it in your journal! :-0

SEVEN THINGS TO DO BEFORE I DIE:

1. Get married and have kids (probably 2)
2. Get a college degree and get a nice job (Can't decide what at this point.)
3. Be a good father to my kids; grandfather to my grandkids ... etc
4. See more of our country (I've never been furthur east than Nevada) and see more of the world; just to get a different perspective on things.
5. Write something that is actually published
6. Start a website and/or blog
7. Learn to speak Spanish fluently

SEVEN THINGS I CAN'T DO:

1. Resist from throwing in a 'like' or 'totally' every 2 to 4 words of speech
2. Be ignored - it drives me crazy
3. Sing better than, like, Ashlee Simpson on crack. Of course Rachel begs to differ (thanks for being nice, hun, but no.)
4. Forgive those who have majorly screwed me over in the past
5. Come to terms with my parents
6. Stop talking like a 'Norcal valley girl
7. Think of anything else in this category

SEVEN THINGS THAT ATTRACT ME TO MUSIC:

1. The fact that it doesn't have to 'conform' to anything
2. The messages that seem to come across better with the mood of the sound
3. How certain songs can just brighten up your day
4. The fact that when it's playing loudly; nobody can hear me singing along
5. How songs stay with you in your head wherever you go (I don't find the need for MP3 players)
6. How even without words, certain sounds can just evoke cetain emotions
7. Death Cab for Cutie, The Postal Service, Coldplay, Flyleaf, --- the list goes on; but I like music that actually means something; even metaphorically; and also that is melodic.

SEVEN THINGS I SAY THE MOST:

1. LIKE
2. That's totally ______! (fill in the blank)
3. Hella and/or hecka
4. *squeal*
5. Well..........
6. "Let's not and say we did!" (Especially in weight training)
7. "That reminds me of something _______ would do!" (usually Clifford)

SEVEN MOVIES I COULD WATCH OVER AND OVER AGAIN:

1. Star Trek ___ (Choose a number between one and ten! (except 5!))
2. Finding Nemo! "I have short term memory loss---. At least, I think that's what I have... Hmm; I can't remember!" -Dory (I know it's a kids movie but my little sister and I love it and watch it over and over again
3. Shrek (For the same reason as above)
4. The Poseidon Adventure (The original one from the 70's; not those retarded remakes of it.)
5. The Matrix and The Matrix Reloaded (The third one was kind of necessary to end the story; but it wasn't all that great.)
6. Malibu's Most Wanted (The funniest movie I have ever s...

Nobody knows I'm a lesbian.

~RychelManBoy — Wed, 15 Feb 2006 17:30:06 PST

What can I say? I do like women, after all. Well, this week has been pretty craxy. I guess you could say I'm pretty much back to normal except for a crapload of makeup work.

Melissa's party last Saturday was pretty sweet except that I wasn't able to be there for very long. Candace sure was spun. "ARE THOSE BLUEBERRIES?" There were also some self-inflicted wardrobe malfunctions. *Cough* Candace *Cough*. We were all pretty crazy at that party. I also fell off of my ball an astonishing 8 times.

Today was my sort of late Valentines Day. Rachel made me some freaking delicious chocolate pretzel fudgy thingamajjiggers. Whatever they were, they were good. Oh yes, and she also got me that shirt from hot topic that reads "Nobody Knows I'm A Lesbian". So, In case you've been trapped in a vaccum today, that's the explanation for it. (I think everyone that would have the slightest interest to read this probably saw me wearing this today.)

Which brings me to another point. Why do I even write these stupid journals, anyway? I mean it's not like you guys don't know what happened anyway. Well, here I go on these weird rants again.

In other news, It flaked today. It was pretty lame. Tiny chunks of ice fell and that was about it. Oh, yes, you guys need to take my quizzes. The first one will test you on how much of a hardcore paradisian you are [link] (I only got like 82% and Rachel only got like 54% or something.) Also, take the 'how well do you know me' quiz, here: [link] Some of the answeres are fairly obvious while some are pretty hard to know unless you have a really good memory. Well, PEACE OUT MY HOMEBROTHERS AND SISTERS (And sisters from other misters.)

P.S. "That stuff is really terrible" *yanks glass out of Candace's hands and downs a huge gulp*
You guys know what I'm talking about

I'm actually not dead, contrary to popular belief.

~RychelManBoy — Wed, 01 Feb 2006 01:17:09 PST

Well, I've had it with staying home. I've decided it's time for me to get off of my sleepy ass and head to school. I'm sick of not being with it, i'm sick of sleeping the entire day and I don't even think i've been outside of this hosue in more than a week. I'm sick of not returning phone calls, sick of not thanking Jessica for bringing me my english homework because i was asleep (Thanks, by the way!), and most of all, i'm just sick of being sick.

Screw it. I'm coming to school. I'm sick of being depressed and sick of feeling sorry for myself. I don't have anyone to blame but my own sorry self; for being gone so long and perpetuating this flu which i think at this point is mostly psychological. I don't even think i've talked to Rachel more than once in the last week. And the only time i did talk to her, it was to blow off going to church with her and Candace. I don't even know what my problem is. I probably could have gone to school these last few days, but I just capitalize on the fact that I'm sick to persuade my parents to let me stay home. What is my problem?

Maybe I'm bi-polar; who knows. It's black and white with me; most of the time i'm perfectly ecstatic and happy and enjoy being around people. Then the other 20 percent of the time i'm just in this dark, depressed, hating myself mood. I don't even know what state i'm in right now. It's like I'm mad at myself for being such a anti-social recluse for this last week. All i've been doing is wallowing in my own misery. I seriously don't even know what my problem is. It's like i don't even want to go to school.

I have no idea why; It's like i'm afraid of facing reality. It's like I think I can hide here in my little bubble at my house with nothing to worry about and be perfectly content. I've hardly ever talked to anybody this last week, and I've been asleep most of the day and actually most of the night as well. I don't get what my problem is. I've been perpetually tired, despite the fact that i've only been awake like less than 10 hours a day. My mom keeps joking, "well maybe you have mono!"

I think that what I really have is patheticslackeritis. Yes, it's a strange affliction that seems to affect the minds of socially-inept posers such as myself. It seems to strike those who build themselves up on fragile pedestals such as the one that used to support me. What is it with me? I'm supposed to be the Paradise High School's Ambassador to this HOBY leadership conference. I'm supposed to be some sort of ideal, active in the community, kid. I'm really not. I basically wrote 3 pages of bullshit on a peice of paper and it was gobbled up with a spoon. I cheated somebody who I know actually has the capacity to be an active leader out of the chance to go to this leadership conference. Through my own arrogance and weakness, and inability to admit that I really am a poser, I cheated Emma out of going to that conference. Too late now; my parents already payed 200 fucking dollars so I can go to this thing that I really don't even want. I wrote this paper full of ideal delusions of how our school needs 'a great leader that can tap the untapped potential for goodness in all of us.'

Yes, this is the kind of BS i wrote in this paper. And now i'm some sort of aspiring leader; oh yes; you guys all know me. I can't do shit except for write things that sound nice. The more I look at myself I realize just how pathetic I am. I mean, this journal is in stark contrast to anything I may have written before. Mostly I write about light, shallow things; funny things that have happened. Well I guess that's what I write about when I'm in a good mood. Yes, people, the pedestal that i've been standing on these past months has shattered. Now I'm Ryan Miller, the real one. At least until tommorrow when I go back to school and put on my socialite mask.

To tell you the truth, I don't even understand my own self. Maybe this is another one of those moods, something that will slowly shift back into reality as I start to build up my pedestal again. But what is reality for me? I seriously don't understand who I am. I feel like I've failed so many people. I feel like i've failed society. I don't even have the motivation to do anything anymore. I wallow in my own sorrow and manage to accomplish absolutely nothing. I always complain about how much homework I have, and how I don't have time to stop and think anymore. In reality, most of my time at home is spent lazing around, stressing out about that homework I have to get done, which as a result never gets done.

My parents are still under the delusion that I'm this very productive kid that will one day be some great person. Maybe I am that person. Maybe I can be that person if I try, but I just can't get my flipping mind to anything productive. I feel like i've failed you, too, Rachel. Ma...

My first (well, sort of,) Journal Entry

~RychelManBoy — Wed, 28 Dec 2005 04:49:51 PST

Well, I'm here at last! Nothing posted here shall be private any longer! (That means you, Heather and Rachel.) I'm assuming you guys can infer who I am from my, well, interesting to say the least, username. I mean, the Rychel part makes sense, but don't even ask how the "ManBoy" came about.

Ah, what the heck, I'll tell you anyway. I was trying to create an account at Rachel's house since my IP range had been banned (It turned out hers was too, but that's beside the point.) I just couldn't think of a username. I was shooting for something funny but recognizable to anyone who knows me. So Rychel came to mind (Of course I had to explain to Rachel's dad how the whole "Rychel" thing came about.) But then we wanted to distinguish if I was the "Ry" or the "Chel" of Rychel. Hence the "ManBoy". You'll have to ask Rachel about that one.

So, anyway, I got home and decided to try my computer again and it actually worked, so here I am.

Well, my Christmas Break (Insert "Holiday Break" or "Winter Break" if Christmas offends you in any way, which it shouldn't by the way. That's a whole 'nother topic.) has been alright so far. Most of the time has been lying around doing just about nothing, staying up until 2 AM every night and sleeping until noon. (Actually, right now im doing worse; its 4:36 A.M. and i'm still not tired.) Of course, Rachel and I (A.K.A. Rychel) went to see the Chronicles of Narnia, which i thought was really good. Rachel had already seen it and liked it - I thought I would like it too but I didn't think I would like it as much as I did.

And that's about it, except for today, or, yesterday, or whatever (I'm so confused) Rachel and I hung out at her house for a little while. I think that Heather is seriously going to kill me. (Here starts another paragraph off on a tangent.)

We called her and I made some pretty terrible side comments including "you sound like a 50 year old woman on the phone" and "keep your personal fantasies with Clifford to yourself" I think she's going to come after me with a knife. She even has a criminal record! One time in 8th grade, she brought a knife to school. Heather, you have some explaining to do. (actually, it was an accident, I already know the story, but I'm going to make her explain out of the "kindness of my heart.")
Peace out!
- Ryan

P.S. I do not believe I have ever used the term "Peace Out" ever; verbally or in writing, but it just popped into my head. Sort of like how "ManBoy" popped in to Rachel's head. Ask her about that one. I just really can't quit typing, can I? Sorry, guys.

Peace out again! (Just in case you weren't before.) I wonder what exactly you do when you "peace out" anyway. You know what, if my keyboard could, it would get a restraining order against me. I'm going to shut up now.