http://search.deviantart.com/?q=by:SarcasticxPoetess&section=today deviantART RSS for by:SarcasticxPoetess en-us Copyright 2009, deviantART.com Mon, 21 Dec 2009 15:11:08 PST deviantART.com http://blogs.law.harvard.edu/tech/rss http://s.deviantart.com/minish/widgets/apple-touch-icon-precomposed.png http://SarcasticxPoetess.deviantart.com/journal/23314812/ http://SarcasticxPoetess.deviantart.com/journal/23314812/ Fri, 20 Feb 2009 21:44:59 PST

it's been over a year since i've posted anything here. i don't have enough heart to fully close my portfolio, but i'm tinkering with the idea. deviantart has been kind to me for the past four years, but i think i've had enough. maybe one day i'll make a new account and showcase my newer pieces, but for now i'm concentrating on the present and on my future.


just to catch everyone up, i'm eighteen and a senior in high school. i'm graduating in may, then headed to the university of florida [gators! <3] to pursue my degree in clinical psychology, with probably a minor in creative writing or theatrical arts.

on the writing front... i've written a few short stories lately. i'm beginning on a novella that will be completed soon, as well. the most exciting news is that i won best of show [district-level] for a stageplay i wrote last winter. i'm currently rewriting it [i believe this is the sixth draft] and it will be produced in april! so i'm, to say the least, thrilled.



and... not much else. i work two jobs that i'll get to quit in august [hooray] and i'll be looking for an apartment soon. my wonderful boyfriend and i have been together nearly two years and i couldn't be more blissfully in love with him. my friends are still my world and, more importantly, my inspiration.


so... i'd say that life has improved itself in every way over the past few years. thanks to my watchers [though the large majority are my friends] for your support and guidance. if i do make a new account i'll post it here. in the meantime, you can find me on livejournal, myspace, or on aim; leave a comment if you need either screenname [though you should all probably have it already].


much love,
xoxo jessica

]]> ~SarcasticxPoetess http://SarcasticxPoetess.deviantart.com/journal/14693226/ http://SarcasticxPoetess.deviantart.com/journal/14693226/ Tue, 18 Sep 2007 19:52:18 PDT
we're [bound] to be afraid.



'ello lovelies. <3


not much to report from my end...not for several months, it seems.
life is uneventful, but pretty goddamn rad.

life has changed a lot for me since school started. i went back to live with my mom, but i still only see her twice a week. i'm working a part-time job on top of everything else i'm doing, and i'm beginning to really like what i do. [i work in retail]

i never really did get to have my grand adventure this summer [i never made it up to NC, in other words], but it all happens for reasons i don't have to understand yet.

school is a bitch. nine classes, three of them being AP and two being online, is a lot of work...but for once, i'm enjoying what i'm learning [with the exception of chemistry]. AP psychology is a really great class and i'm excited to see what this major will bring to me in a couple of years when i [hopefully] get into the university of florida. <3

i've been hopping from subject to subject, but back to my family... i don't have to go to individual therapy any more. i'm a lot less anxious and have begun to deal with my problems head on. <3 my mom doesn't stress me anymore [because i tell her not to], and i'm slowly learning that i deserve to be loved. (: and am loved.

my friends are still the fantastic people they always have been, but the more i think about it, the LESS drama there seems to be [ironically]. i think we're all growing up a lot and realizing that we only have two years left together. there's no time for senseless bullshit, just more fun and stuff.

i get my car at the end of the month. (: so there will be more fun to be had [and more money spent].


for all of you interested in my love life [it is a very popular question nowadays], i'm fine. we're fine. we will leave it at that. <3



hm.
i will have a new domain soon.
any name suggestions will be gladly appreciated.



homecoming is in a couple of weeks.
i bought my dress today. it's crimson with a black overlay.
ohmygod it's so pretty. nobody will be here to appreciate it. .-.
but i'll still feel beautiful. (:


the only two negatives to life right now [besides a lack of free time] are that i can't speak to my far-away friends as often, and there are people in my own school that won't shut the fuck up about me.

but these are minor things that will be dealt with.
i have always loved a scandal, and darling,
if you don't leave me the fuck alone, i'll be sure to deliver it to you.
<3



but that's okay. jealousy is an ugly emotion, and this time, i am on the hated end. [it's a nice change].



i have all i need.

love,
jessica.



ps - themes will come as soon as i have more than ten free moments to sit down and write.
but i will finish the list. for i love jane. <3

]]> ~SarcasticxPoetess http://SarcasticxPoetess.deviantart.com/journal/12530611/ http://SarcasticxPoetess.deviantart.com/journal/12530611/ Fri, 29 Jun 2007 23:25:30 PDT
i'll show myself
this [wasn't] forged.




Status of the Twenty Five Themes Project:

1. Adoption
2. Prodigy
3. Trespass [Idea in mind.]
4. Polygamy
5. Custody
6. Greed
7. Chain Reaction [Idea in mind.]
8. Heist
9. Magic
10. Opening Night
11. Tattoo
12. Waiting
13. Cheating
14. Prophecy
15. Hangover
16. Superstitious
17. Goodbye
18. Deadline [Idea in mind.]
19. Lust
20. Addiction
21. Discipline
22. Cloning
23. Outcast
24. Cards
25. Wish




Wow, a lot can change in two months...
I feel a little better all-around. My anxiety is slowly...going away, so to speak, but I have a long way to go and little insurance left to cover it. Hm.

In two months time, I've really not done much. Life is pretty average [but not terrible, so there's something]. I'm strengthening my bonds and am making good friends into best friends, best friends into lifelong friends. With this being said, the themes project is back up and running, and at full-speed, I might add.

Right now my main complaints are usually of restlessness, my father's presence [to a small degree], and that my separation anxiety is hitting all-time highs. Long-distance relationships are not for the faint of heart, I suppose. [<3]

And, one last note... Everyone needs to go buy Paramore's newest album, "RIOT!". It will change your life. Or at least provide some good music to walk to. For me, it's both.


<3 Jessica.







keep me safe inside
your [arms] like towers.


]]> ~SarcasticxPoetess http://SarcasticxPoetess.deviantart.com/journal/12237719/ http://SarcasticxPoetess.deviantart.com/journal/12237719/ Sun, 18 Mar 2007 19:58:50 PDT


You thought you were there to guide me.
You were only in my way.
You’re [wrong] if you think that I’ll be just like [you].





I'm going back to therapy.

Fuck this crying-on-the-floor, suicidal, unworthy bullshit. I used to be a very happy person, I used to have self esteem, I used to not need the love of others to be happy.

And now I can't. But others won't love me until I love myself.


And some still won't love me at all.






But I'm going to make myself better.
So fuck you all.


]]> ~SarcasticxPoetess http://SarcasticxPoetess.deviantart.com/journal/12225307/ http://SarcasticxPoetess.deviantart.com/journal/12225307/ Sat, 17 Mar 2007 21:37:53 PDT
she said,
"this doesn't hurt."







Break has had it's ups and downs, mostly downs, but I'm still sad it's almost over. Scared, too, and I don't know why... I guess because I'm going to be thrown back into the unknown, again. Maybe because everything has this slow settling, sick sense of dread attached to it...


It's getting extremely hard to sleep again. I don't know why the past and the future frighten me as much as they do when they're displayed as they are... but I can't sleep. I'm so goddamn scared, and no one wants to believe or understand me.


It feels so alive, I guess.







Rant time;


1. If you treat me the way she treated me, I won't take you back with open arms. I will fucking hate you.

2. Why can't you drink enough to say that you love me?

3. You're the only hope I have right now. I believe in you us.

4. I want the drugs to forget everything you've tried to instill in me.

5. If you were here, I'd never let you down, I'd never leave you alone...maybe neither of us would hurt.

6. You think it's cool that you ditched me for your boyfriend. But honestly, I don't care that much.

7. You're a lot stronger than you think you are. You'll survive before I do.

8. You complain too much and it pisses me off.

9. I keep relearning how amazing you are. <3

10. I'm too afraid to let go, but I want to. I'm sorry.




Chickenhearted way of saying all that I want to.

I'm sorry.
I'm just too...scared.


]]> ~SarcasticxPoetess http://SarcasticxPoetess.deviantart.com/journal/11991645/ http://SarcasticxPoetess.deviantart.com/journal/11991645/ Tue, 27 Feb 2007 18:10:55 PST
If you don't don't know, why'd you say so?
Would you mean this please, if it happens?
If you don't know, why would you say so?
Won't you get your story straight?
If you don't know, honey, why'd you just say so?

'Cause I need this more than I ever did.



<sup>I am sick with worry, and I'm not even sure what I'm worried about anymore.
I guess I'm worried about my relationships...and the friends I have them with, and what's going to happen with me. With my mom, and what she's doing...with my school work, with all of the other additional stuff I've picked up...what's going to happen with me if I don't start sleeping.


It's not like I don't try, I do...but I always have bizarre dreams. Not nightmares, those would make more sense...but just dreams of creepy voices whispering to me, or drowning in a brilliantly illuminated sea, or watching two people hold each other and just cry. Dreams that don't make any sense to me...


Maybe God's trying to help me. Drive me to insanity so I won't feel guilty for wanting to kill myself sometimes.
Maybe it's something like that.</sup>



]]> ~SarcasticxPoetess http://SarcasticxPoetess.deviantart.com/journal/11908147/ http://SarcasticxPoetess.deviantart.com/journal/11908147/ Wed, 21 Feb 2007 12:45:06 PST



Heaven bend to take my hand
And lead me through the fire.
Be the long awaited answer
To a long and painful fight.

Truth be told, I've tried my best,
<sup>But somewhere along the way…
I got caught up in all there was to offer,
And the cost was so much more than I could bear.

Though I've tried, I've fallen...
I have sunk so low.
I have messed up,
Better I should know.
So don't come ‘round here,
And tell me, ‘I told you so...’

We all begin with good intent;
Love was raw and young.
We believed that we could change ourselves,
The past could be undone.
But we carry on our backs the burden
Time always reveals.
The lonely light of morning;
The wound that would not heal.</sup>
It's the [ b i t t e r t a s t e ] of [ l o s i n g e v e r y t h i n g ]
<sup>That I’ve held so dear.

I've fallen...
I have sunk so low.
I have messed up,
Better I should know.
So don't come ‘round here,
And tell me, ‘I told you so...’

Heaven bent to take my hand…
Nowhere left to turn.
I'm lost to those I thought were friends,</sup>
To everyone I know.
<sup>Oh, they turned their heads embarrassed,
Pretend that they don't see.
But it's one missed step,
You'll slip before you know it.
And there doesn't seem a way to be redeemed.

Though I've tried, I've fallen...
I have sunk so low.
I have messed up,
Better I should know.</sup>


So don't come ‘round here,
And tell me, ‘I told you so...’





^{When I die, play this at my funeral. Please.
Whenever it may be.}


]]> ~SarcasticxPoetess http://SarcasticxPoetess.deviantart.com/journal/11818997/ http://SarcasticxPoetess.deviantart.com/journal/11818997/ Wed, 14 Feb 2007 17:06:24 PST

here's to the men we love.
here's to the men who love us.
here's to the men we love who don't love us.

...fuck the men, let's drink to us.





Happy Valentine's Day!
Hope yours didn't fail as much as mine did.
-really wishes her nausea would pass-


But honestly, I guess this holiday isn't so bad.
It's got a good heart? So to speak.
I just wish things were different...but then again, don't we all?

I also wish I hadn't missed our little girl's night out. D;
But oh well.


My birthday's tomorrow.
Yayyyy for finally being sixteen!


Other than that, not much else is really new.
I love you guys. You're my life. <33333



_ jessica.





PS;
thank you for teaching me that not all of you have such bad intentions.
you mean more to me than i think i want to put into words.
i'll never know why it happened the way it did...but it's alright.
you make me happy.
te amo. <3


]]> ~SarcasticxPoetess http://SarcasticxPoetess.deviantart.com/journal/11738718/ http://SarcasticxPoetess.deviantart.com/journal/11738718/ Thu, 08 Feb 2007 17:58:09 PST
this is when my hands are shaking.
this is when the rules are breaking.
this is when the music plays too loud.

this is when it's now or [never].
when it goes from bad to better.
this is when it all makes sense somehow.




these days have been absolutely terrible.
ranging between insane guilt to frustration to panic.

but then some things are wonderful.
like gossipping with friends over dinner, reading through lines of a play, and amazingly timely text messages.




i still worry about tomorrow. i worry about luring myself into a false sense of happiness.
but i can't worry about that right now. i have to take it one day at a time.
and today i'm happy.
even though it was a terrible day.

thank you. <3




__jessica[chan][face][cunt][slut]






i promise good enough for you;
& pray that i can keep it.

]]> ~SarcasticxPoetess http://SarcasticxPoetess.deviantart.com/journal/11665251/ http://SarcasticxPoetess.deviantart.com/journal/11665251/ Fri, 02 Feb 2007 22:16:35 PST

what did you mean,
"there's too many angels here"?
is it the sweet ones that keep you here...
or did you mean that everyone you love
is already gone, too early.

whatever you mean,
i came to mine and realized
it's all fake.




I want to know where I fucked this up.
Even though I know nobody knows.
I don't even know.

It's so fucking hard to always be second best.
I know, I know....




I've felt really good and really bad all day.
Tomorrow's only going to be worse if I can't leave the house.
Come onnnn Between The Trees show. -crosses fingers-




I was fighting so hard to stay on top, I just feel myself being dragged down again.
Why do I need to fail to keep myself happy?
Why can't I love myself when I'm succeeding, too?



well, my friend with not many words -
but it's just as well, 'cause what are they for?
you see through me, you make me quiet.
you know all the words, so why should i hide it?



I wish I could come up.
<3 jessica.


]]> ~SarcasticxPoetess http://SarcasticxPoetess.deviantart.com/journal/11615631/ http://SarcasticxPoetess.deviantart.com/journal/11615631/ Mon, 29 Jan 2007 18:41:04 PST


If I traded it all,
If I gave it all away for one thing.
Just for one thing.
If I sorted it out,
If I knew all about this one thing...
Wouldn’t that be something?





I'm in the mood to burn bridges, so if I'm going a little crazy, acting a little distant, don't mind me -- and don't force me to come to you.
That only makes me want to shove you away.




[ I can tell we're trying -- we'd be getting there if we hadn't taken four steps back. ]



District Five Thespian Festival:
Superior Acting in a One Act
Superior Tech in a One Act
Excellent Acting in Contrasting Monologues



Can I get a hell yes?

Wow, I'm tired.

_____jessica


]]> ~SarcasticxPoetess http://SarcasticxPoetess.deviantart.com/journal/11403161/ http://SarcasticxPoetess.deviantart.com/journal/11403161/ Thu, 11 Jan 2007 19:49:38 PST
How do you feel? That is the question.
But I forget, you don't expect an easy answer.
When something like a soul becomes initialized
And folded up like paper dolls and little notes,
You can't expect a bit of hope....





I am an idiot for assuming. I am an idiot for not asking, for not getting a response when I do ask. Goddamnit.

If this was supposed to make me happy, I'd rather be miserable.


Even after everything is said and done, I know I'm still not alright.


I'm still rapidly losing interest in things. People, too.
I guess something in me figures that if all of my hard work in my life has come to this, it's not going to get better the more I try.
I want to know where the lines blended, where eloquence failed enough to portray hopefulness into disappointment.

We'll see what tomorrow brings, I guess.
I wish I had better news to give.
I'm online again, though, so that's something.... I guess.




So while you're outside looking in,
Describing what you see.
Remember, what you're staring at is me.


]]> ~SarcasticxPoetess http://SarcasticxPoetess.deviantart.com/journal/11366213/ http://SarcasticxPoetess.deviantart.com/journal/11366213/ Mon, 08 Jan 2007 17:57:35 PST


"Human beings are designed for many things. Loneliness isn't one of them."




I love this show. I know it's about cheating women and death and other gross things.
But it makes me feel so good inside. So normal.


I feel really lonely. Again. I'm not sure why.
I think it's just knowing that I can't tell people everything.
Because no one cares. But I used to care. I did.

I don't know. I really wish I did.

But she called me so strong. So strong.
For dealing with what I do. For trying so hard to make it work.
But I don't feel strong.
I feel stupid and unworthy and stressed.


"Jessica, I just wanted to let you know you're not crazy.
It's hard for people to talk to people that are more advanced than they are.
People think you're just rambling, but I know you're saying something important."

Epiphanies do come from the oddest places.

]]> ~SarcasticxPoetess http://SarcasticxPoetess.deviantart.com/journal/11330627/ http://SarcasticxPoetess.deviantart.com/journal/11330627/ Fri, 05 Jan 2007 21:54:04 PST
I'm not a shoulder to cry on,
but I digress.




This song is just so amazing. It gives me energy and ironically fills me with anger. And it amuses me. What the hell.

I've learned a lot of things recently.

1. If you act like you have an amazingly huge ego and self esteem people with either ignore you because you're arrogant [a plus] or treat you like you're fucking amazing [an amazing plus].

2. I'm fucking tired of being stepped on. If things don't start changing in the way I want them to [don't give me any more of this bullshit] so that we can BOTH be happy....I don't know.

3. I'm thinking I want a new DA but I don't know.

4. Life online is really fucking boring without Hope and Jane.


I'm sure there's more.



OH YES.

5. My parents need to stop fucking hounding me over stupid shit.
I can take care of myself for the most part. Actually. I just need food, a roof over my head, and someone to wake me up in the morning.



Speaking of which, I didn't go to school today.
That's two algebra classes in a row I missed.
AHAHA It's like last quarter all fucking over again.
...fuck.


So, Laramie isn't really sucking so much. I'm props mistress, so that's kind of interesting. I like having a job.

However, my un-memorized monlogues and scene script are demanding my attention. This weekend. ._.;



I'm stressing out about my party....who to invite, what to wear, blahblahblah. Whose idea was it to have a huge, expensive party...? I pray to God it wasn't mine.
I feel really guilty. :/



Today, after practice, I went out with my friends Devon and Marcie to the mall. It was a good time, we really caught up, and it was needed after this entire fiasco I got myself involved in...

I bought flip flops. :3 And made fun of designer glasses in one store...and...it was just fun. That's all there is to it.

It was definitely better than waiting around for disaster like I'm doing now.


And dealing with this shit. I can't wait until I'm eighteen and I don't have to deal with my mom's smoking and drinking and my parents fucking controlling me and talking to me all the damn time because they're bored and have no one else to talk to.


...but you don't want to hear about that, do you?




Crashing not like hips or cars --
No, more like parties.

<3 jessica


]]> ~SarcasticxPoetess http://SarcasticxPoetess.deviantart.com/journal/11317264/ http://SarcasticxPoetess.deviantart.com/journal/11317264/ Thu, 04 Jan 2007 18:44:43 PST
i'm looking for a nice way to say i'm out.
i want out.







Oh God.
Life is so crazy. I could write a novel about the extremeties of the past few days, but it'd be too exhausting. I guess if you need to know, you already do. If you want to know, you can ask. Maybe I can tell you.

Maybe.

I can't even put the way I'm feeling into words right now.
I guess it's just the sick, strange, twisting feeling you get when everything is going wrong and you just feel alone. And that's how I feel right now.

I can't think of a /single/ person that I can feel comfortable talking to right now, it's so depressing. Some of my friends don't care, some are too ignorant, some don't even trust me and want to talk to me...


Oh God.
I need you so badly right now. Perhaps more than I've ever needed anybody.
Please. Please. Please.




What I want right now, more than anything.
Is to just have the four of us together and hang out like we used to, sharing stories and secrets and laughter and the security that life is never going to change.
What happened to best friends forever?





"I'll wait for you."
"....Thank you."



Oh my fucking God.
Please don't tell me I'm still in love.



]]> ~SarcasticxPoetess http://SarcasticxPoetess.deviantart.com/journal/11207022/ http://SarcasticxPoetess.deviantart.com/journal/11207022/ Wed, 27 Dec 2006 00:07:19 PST

you live illusion.
& i am real.
[ <3 ]



i really with it was raining.
i wish i wasn't tired.
[ i'm exhausted. ]
i wish i wasn't such a dumbfuck.

i really like that emoticon.
-bangs head against wall-

my back really hurts. every time i move i'm like "WTF IS THIS!?" and my bones crack. this is bull.



this music makes me really happy. it makes me feel powerful.
[ if this is the hardest of the hard times then everything'll be fine ]
but i don't know if it is or not. how many more times will we have until we BREAK? is it even worth it to you?
[ no one ever told me... ]

oh god, someone please tell me.





i'm leaving for dallas later today. i really don't want to go, but i guess a part of me is looking forward to the quiet time. i can deal with everyone if i want [go ahead and call/text] or i can turn everything off and just sit back and think. and write.

i wish i could write. i'm inspired to write.
but i can't right now. i fucking hate the way things are connected.





so, anyway, i hope everyone had a merry christmas.
i did. :3 i didn't get a ton of stuff, but i didn't want a ton of stuff.
i got lots of afi stuff wtf. o_o; but still amazing. :3
my mom got me a new tiara. ^-^ and other things.
um...i also got a cute dress, a fedora, and a HAIR STRAIGHTNENER.
my hair is so much straighter now, i love it. i love it so much.

kurai got me my cd. :3 and headphones. ilubitch.
anddd marcie gave me the cutest little statue. it's us. it looks exactly like us, too, it's weird. o_o; actually, it's so cute, it makes my heart bleed [in that good way]...but it's good to be reminded how much you're loved. <3333
junie gave me fooodssss. and it SAVED MY LIFE. [brownies = amazing]

and other people got me stuff and i loved that too but it's 3AM so i'm not going into that.



i feel this great peace wash over me at the same time as great misery. i have faith even if i probably shouldn't.
i can't /help/ it, at this point. and i'm not sure if i mind so much.

if i have hope for the best, maybe it'll happen. maybe.



well, anyway.
i'm going to go pack and maybe break my promise and sleep a few hours.
staying up this late after a proverbial crash isn't good for me.
my mind is like a computer. it can't handle things effectively if it's been in overdrive too long.



happy new year if i don't speak to you before then.
here's to less mistakes in 2007!

<3333 jessica


]]> ~SarcasticxPoetess http://SarcasticxPoetess.deviantart.com/journal/11066544/ http://SarcasticxPoetess.deviantart.com/journal/11066544/ Thu, 14 Dec 2006 19:47:56 PST
_____to make you feel alive again.




ugh, wow.
today was mindblowing.

spanish midterm = suck.
algebra midterm = O_O OMFG 89. How does Jessica the dumbfuck get an 89?! <3
english midterm = slightly less suck than the spanish midterm, but still sucky all the same.

THAT and marcie and i almost got accused of cheating because neither of us brought a pencil and decided to share the one we borrowed.
but we didn't get zeros. because we are geniuses. obviously.


SO GENIUS, in fact.
that we have the fucking best studyguide AP environmental WILL EVER SEE.
not that anyone besides us did it.
...>>;
we're cool.

ohhhhboyohboyohboy.
i am so fucking tired and HUNGRY.
and feel kind of dead.


remind me never to get into emotional conversations with my mom. please?

speaking of which, she's currently drunk and singing odd songs, including "Aye Carumba" or whatever.
if you come over and rescue me, you get a free sombrero.


bahbahbah.
i could get into this long emotional rant about stuff, but i won't.
because everything evens itself out.
sooner or later.


that, and marcie and i are chilling out after midterms tomorrow and nothing's going to ruin that for me.


tomorrow;
percussion ensemble = not so much suck.
ap environmental science midterm = pretty much 100% suck.
newspaper = 99% suck.

sucksucksuck.



...-flails-
can someone please feed me feel food?

[BUT! JUNIE! your brownie saved my life. <3 and it was muy delicioso. gracias, amiga.]

bueno noche!
<3 jess.


]]> ~SarcasticxPoetess http://SarcasticxPoetess.deviantart.com/journal/11055469/ http://SarcasticxPoetess.deviantart.com/journal/11055469/ Wed, 13 Dec 2006 19:46:40 PST
*Surf around your friends list (or friends friends, or just random journals) to see who has posted their list. And now here's the important part: If you see a wish you can grant, and it's in your heart to do so, make someone's wish come true. Sometimes someone's trash is another's treasure, and if you have a leather jacket you don't want or a gift certificate you won't use--or even know where you could get someone's dream purebred Basset Hound for free--do it.
*You needn't spend money on these wishes unless you want to. The point isn't to put people out, it's to provide everyone a chance to be someone else's holiday elf--to spread the joy. Gifts can be made anonymously or not--it's your call.
*There are no rules with this project, no guarantees, and no strings attached. Just...wish, and it might come true. Give, and you might receive. And you'll have the joy of knowing you made someone's holiday special.

1. A really awesome scarf. Preferably home made because...um. I love you guys. I love the colors hot pink, lime green, and black. ;D I'm going to Dallas soon, too, SO. You don't want me to freeze, hm?

2. A new DA icon would be lufferly. NOT that I don't love the one I have. <3 But...variety is good.

3. I fucking love mini post its [or hey, regular ones, but minis best] in ALL colors. o_o

4. Since Haley broke my tiara [stolen from Marcie], a new one would be nice. :3 Like. The cheap kiddy ones in the dollar store are amazing.

5. The new Sugarcult cd "Lights Out". It doesn't have to be new; hell, download the tracks and burn them on a blank, I don't care. I just want the musiccc. <3

6. A subscription to DA would be fantasticccc. For anyone with a paypal account. One month is enough. It's like, four dollars. ;D

7. I love me some giftarts. Come on, you all know my characters. ...andfluffythingsmakemesqueel. [EY YOU SESSHA. -nudge-]

8. Mangaaaa. I'm like, ten away from finishing my Kenshin collection AND IT IS SO BOTHERSOME. I have no idea which ones I'm missing...mostly the later ones. I still don't have 28. ;-; When I get to my dad's I'll know.

9. I need a DA ID. Preferably like, with me in it. But I don't care. Something amazing. YOU PEOPLE ARE ARTISTS WTF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN. XD

10. New headphones would be wonderful. Mine are like. Breaking and of the dollar store variety. So. Yeah.

So yeahhhh there's that. I don't really want a lot at all for Christmas, even from my parents. But I like giving and recieving things, so I figured I'd get the ball rolling. And all of these things are pretty cheap/easy SO. Um. yeah.
HEY. >O
You have to do this. Because I want to do nice stuff for Christmas, too. It makes me gleeful.

-----------------

ohhhh man oh man.
midterms are tomorrow; spanish II, honors algebra II, and honors english II.
the first i'm okay, the second i'll fail because i have the attention span of a goldfish, the third one i better kick ass on.
i kinda sorta studied for algebra. but not the others.

i am so fucking tired. but i stay up and wait anyway, i don't know why. i'm a dumbfuck. XD

um...drama party was today. XD it was hilarious.
you highschoolers better touch yourselves. >O

um. all in all, it was an interesting day, writen AP exam and all.


i love life. or will, friday afternoon.
___jessica*



]]> ~SarcasticxPoetess http://SarcasticxPoetess.deviantart.com/journal/11044028/ http://SarcasticxPoetess.deviantart.com/journal/11044028/ Tue, 12 Dec 2006 19:07:22 PST



There are days like today where I am so naive, so carefree, almost.
I still realize the gravity of the world's problems, the weight of everything on my shoulders, but I'm not defined by it.



I can't remember the last time I was just so thankful to be breathing. To know that with every inhale we are taking in something new, and with every exhale getting rid of the poison, leaving only something pure behind.

To think that after everything, after everything I've worried about, every uncertainty I've agonized over in my mind, every tear I've cried and every word I've screamed in frustration, in desparation, in sadness, you're still here. Oblivious to the fact that somewhere not too close and yet never too far away, I'm nearly in tears at the fact that you're still breathing.


We're all still breathing.
No matter where we've come from, we're still alive, knowing somewhere there's the promise of something better than has been...

It's really a beautiful thing.




I love you guys more than the air I'm breathing. <3
Jessica [the psuedo-intellect?]



]]> ~SarcasticxPoetess http://SarcasticxPoetess.deviantart.com/journal/11011958/ http://SarcasticxPoetess.deviantart.com/journal/11011958/ Sun, 10 Dec 2006 00:13:28 PST


as i fall,
and you turn away,
you walk down corridors miles away from my heart.

as i breathe,
as i surrender.
i hear the sound of whispering.




I'm done.
But I can't be finished.
I think I'll just find a nice, quiet place to rest while the pretty world is sleeping.
I'll heal my wounds with salt and tomorrow's another day.



No matter what way you arrange the words, the meaning is always the same. It makes me wonder sometimes if we're all not a tad redundant. It makes me wonder sometimes if I trust myself -- if I'm trustworthy -- If I'm honest.



Sometimes I wish that days wouldn't end. And not necessarily the nicer days, either, sometimes the miserable ones, because this is where we're at our most believeable. It's only after we take everything away that nothing's left, and we can replace what was with something better. But when the days switch in the way that they do and I put on another facade to get me through the hours, I never release everything completely and it just piles on again. It's like dying and clinging to life in a desperate attempt to live again.

But I'm not desperate, I'm fully here.
I just wish I could live like that for more than a day at a time.

.............
[ jessica ]



You were there and I was was with you, longing for you.
You [b r o k e] the locks, I grabbed on to you.
Lost in these rooms...
What did I see?

]]> ~SarcasticxPoetess http://SarcasticxPoetess.deviantart.com/journal/10988146/ http://SarcasticxPoetess.deviantart.com/journal/10988146/ Thu, 07 Dec 2006 19:35:42 PST

I came here by day,
but I left here in [ d a r k n e s s ],
and found you, found you on the way.

Now, it is silver and [ s i l e n t ].
It is silver and cold.
You in somber resplendence, I hold...





You don't get a choice.
I'm not giving it to you.



I used to get so sad listening to this song, but I realized just how gorgeous it really is. I still think the video is funny. :3; I'm going to hell.


So...today was a bad day. For the most part. Who would I be if I didn't make an ass out of myself a few times a day and fail a few tests here and there? But I really should have -- and the drama kids will agree -- beat the shit out of David. Goddamn.

So, I think I'm back to normal. Sort of.
I'm happy with my life. I'm happy with me.
Or with the person I'm teaching myself to be.
I'm taking away the strain one word at a time.



My friends and I started our Secret Santa today. I'm SO happy with who I got. <3 But I can't think of the perfect gift. And I want to. Because. They deserve it.


I'm excited to do all of my Christmas shopping this weekend. I'll actually have money, what a novelty. XD -babysitting Saturday- x.o And going to Epcot tomorrow. Which isn't a huge deal, but hotdamn, Cape May's.
[it's a small seafood restaurant I used to love until they closed it down a few years ago. now it's back up and running, i can't wait. :3]


This journal basically serves no purpose other than BS rambling while having nothing to do [and being exhausted. I slept until six thirty, even.] AND a need to get that last journal off of my page.


These words sounded to beautiful when I thought them earlier.
Now they're cold and washed with uncertainties.
But I can hope for rain.


<3___jessica




I will tremble a prayer,
& I'll beg for forgiveness.

]]> ~SarcasticxPoetess http://SarcasticxPoetess.deviantart.com/journal/10746058/ http://SarcasticxPoetess.deviantart.com/journal/10746058/ Thu, 16 Nov 2006 14:34:36 PST
seems like it was yesterday when i saw your face
you told me how proud you were, but i walked away
if only i knew what i know today...

i would hold you in my arms,
i would take the pain away.
thank you for all you've done,
forgive all your mistakes.
there's nothing i wouldn't do,
to hear your voice again.
sometimes i wanna call you, but i know you won't be there.

oh,
i'm sorry for blaming you,
for everything i just couldn't do.
and i've hurt myself by hurting you.

some days i feel broke inside, but i won't admit,
sometimes i just wanna hide, 'cause it's you i miss.
and it's so hard to say goodbye when it comes to this.

would you tell me i was wrong?
would you help me understand?
are you looking down upon me?
are you proud of who i am?
there's nothing i wouldn't do,
to have just one more chance.
to look into your eyes and see you looking back.

oh,
i'm sorry for blaming you,
for everything i just couldn't do.
and i've hurt myself...

oh,
if i had just one more day,
i would tell you how much that i missed you,
since you've been away

oh, it's so dangerous,
it's so out of line,
to try and turn back time.

i'm sorry for blaming you,
for everything i just couldn't do.
and i've hurt myself,
by hurting you.

------

oh my god.
oh my god.
i haven't cried this long or this hard in a long, long time.

i want everything back, i want time reversed.
to where my mom and i were happy, and she was there for me and i didn't have to watch her destroy herself or be miserable.
i want my mommy, the one i could talk to about everything.
and not distance myself from.

or back to a time where /you/ needed me.
where you did little things for me,
[like told me you loved me]
just because you knew it made me happy.

before all of this mess.

i've been here, all along, missing -you-.
and this isn't you at all.
can't you see how much i love you?
how much i want you back?
how much i miss our friendship?
because this isn't what it used to be.

i guess it's not your fault.
i can't stand to be by myself, to watch you go on to a place where i can't help you.
it's something i just /can't/ do.



i guess i'm just agonizing over an idyllic past, or pieces of it, that i can never have again.
oh god, this feels so much like alone.


]]> ~SarcasticxPoetess http://SarcasticxPoetess.deviantart.com/journal/10695615/ http://SarcasticxPoetess.deviantart.com/journal/10695615/ Sat, 11 Nov 2006 23:34:16 PST
ohhh man it’s been a very interesting past few days. all time highs, all time lows, it’s been wicked extreme.

let us start with thursdayyy.

REP YO CITAY.
REP OCOEE. <3

skipped school on thursday and went with haley down to house of blues to go get tickets for the HELLOGOODBYE & CUTE IS WHAT WE AIM FOR show. <333 we then went to her house, ate a ton of cheese fries, and went romping around the neighborhood. XD and then i went home to get ready for the game.

after getting yelled at for a little while, e.e; i finally got to school with the intentions of shooting myself because I DID NOT want to go to this game. x.x but, i had to, and after riding for an hour to showalter field [fucking backroads], I got acclimated to the idea and tried my best to enjoy myself.

and maaaannnn was it good. o_o awesome, actually. we scored, then they scored, then they scored again. D; putting it 7-14, them. then we scored again, I believe on an interception, then they scored a field goal and we finally scored THE WINNING TOUCHDOWN.

1st Annual Winter Park Gridiron Bowl Game-
OCOEE KNIGHTS- 21
WINTER PARK WILDCATS- 17

we got fucking CRUNK [or crun, depending]. fuck revving up the football team, we had a party for US. we played all of the best songs, including JUMP ON IT. during which i did jump. on it, even. whatever it is.
I EVEB PARTICIPATED IN ‘REP YO CITY’ which is amazing because i basically hate my city. XD

but anyway, during the last seventeen seconds of the game we couldn’t stop playing and jumping up and down and shit. it was amazingggg. <3 and we got lots of applause because face it, we won a lot of the games for those guys.

anddddd winter park’s band didn’t show up.
wtf@that.
it was IN FUCKING WINTER PARK.

but we won, so yay.


anyways, fridayyy.

I’M TOO BUSY GETTING DOWN

very amazing, as well. i went to band for fourth period and realized we’re playing RIDE in wind ensemble. <333 when i was in band camp at FSC, the highest band, which was all of the oldest kids, played this song one summer…it’s so awesome. it’s really hard, too. o_o there’s literally a meter change every measure and if not that, every fourth measure. butttt i have faith that we’ll pull it off. I’M PLAYING CHIMES.

anyway, then i went to science and FAILED a quiz. x.x; fucking me forgot that i had a reading assignment, and now that means i’m pulling a C in that class. my mom’s gonna take me out of drama if i don’t raise that grade by report cards…x.x;

but onto good news. after the quiz and notes, we went on a nature walk because the weather here is so LOVELY. <3 megan and i saw a path to the creek underneath the bridge and we were just about to wade through it when we were caught. XD we then started hitting each other with canes.

then lunch. oh mannn. mr. hair gave me this script and told me and danielle to read it and tell him what we thought. conveniently, there are only two parts…hm. ;D

i don’t like it that much so far, but if he’s giving me an opportunity to act with a good friend, then fuck yes i’m gonna take it. <3333

in newspaper we made candy/caramel apples again. x.x omfg i hate that teacher so much, that class makes me rip my hair out. BUT. i realized that allison and a few other people feel the same way as i do and we’re promising to stick together. so there’s that.

afterschool i went to haley’s house to get ready for the CONCERT. i looked like a slut, lmfao. i wore my miniskirt with obnoxious looking tights and this sparkly belt and a tanktop and odd makeup and tricolored hair. i scared people. :3

when we [haley, me, nick and tony] finally got to downtown disney, we immediately hid out in wolfgangs express or whatever. it had free refills and good pizza. XD we had the most awkward conversations, during which i was called “brutal” and “honest” many times. i liked it.

then we waited at the world’s LONGEST LINE to get inside HOB. it was full of sce... ]]> ~SarcasticxPoetess http://SarcasticxPoetess.deviantart.com/journal/10664281/ http://SarcasticxPoetess.deviantart.com/journal/10664281/ Wed, 08 Nov 2006 21:52:41 PST


jessica is messed up in a bad way.
oh my god i'm so tired. so tired, so tired.
so sick of being me, so sick of being perfect.

i'm not perfect.
i never was.
and i never will be.
STOP SAYING I'M SO GODDAMN PERFECT.
i obviously DON'T have it all together.
my life is fucking falling apart at the seams.
it has been for years.



i'm skipping school tomorrow.
and probably a lot next week, too.

damnit, i didn't want to do this this year.
i wanted everything to be right.
i don't want to fail my classes, but i AM failing and i can't stop.


i don't know what this is about. i really don't.
i think i've just tried too long and too hard to be what i wanted to be, what everyone else wanted me to be, and what for?
everything changes. everyone changes.

i think i'm ready for separation.
to be severed from every last piece of my past and start over, brand new. but i can't do that.
because even though we're only clinging to each other out of habit, that's the only thing i know how to do anymore.


maybe it'll be better tomorrow.
haley and i are romping around the neighborhood because we feel like it.
and then the game, then the concert.
and then who knows what?
maybe i'll be needed again and i won't be there out of habit.
or maybe it'll get worse.

oh my god, i need sleep.
-shaking terribly-
this isn't good.



]]> ~SarcasticxPoetess http://SarcasticxPoetess.deviantart.com/journal/10651696/ http://SarcasticxPoetess.deviantart.com/journal/10651696/ Tue, 07 Nov 2006 19:12:10 PST
Really bored, obviously. Not much to say.



The unlucky thirteen things you may not know about me:

1. I really don't think of myself as a good journalist. Truly. I'm afraid of the future because I think this is something I like to do and I'm afraid I'll be a failure at it.

2. Acting has become a true passion for me, moreso than anything I've ever done before -- and that frightens me.

3. I'm really, really intense if you truly get to know me. I can snap at the drop of a hat, and I probably won't feel sorry.

4. I hate the term "best friends for life" but I use it anyway. I have two best friends; one I've known for three years and the other a year and a half. But I think these are the two I'll keep...

5. I'm really afraid that I'm sticking to people out of habit, and not out of love. I hate change and things are changing too much; we're not who we used to be.

6. I don't know how to properly use semicolons, but I am beginning to learn the proper usage of 'whom'.

7. As much as I preach about being good and keeping your act together, I am so fucking bored with being me and I want to break out and do something nobody would expect me to do. Even if that's a bad thing.

8. I am never completely honest with any one person -- never have, probably never will be. This includes you.

9. But honestly speaking, I sometimes feel I have to prove myself to be more mature than my peers, even if that means going out of my way to experience things I shouldn't necessarily experience.

10. If I tell you anything in-depth about my past, I either trust you enough to tell you or I don't know you enough to really care what you think about me. Don't think that just because I'm flippant that I'm lying, I'm not. I've come to terms with /everything/ and don't have a problem talking about it to certain people. I want you to know who I am.

11. I used to never tell anyone anything and nearly killed myself. So I always vent, about everything. If I don't tell you anything it's probably because I either don't like you, or I'm angry at you. [But I can never be mad for very long.]

12. I love my parents and my best friends and all of the rest of my friends. But no one can make me happy like a guy does.

13. The small promises you make and break mean much more to me than the large promises you make and can't deliver.

PS:
By the way:
You saying ____@____
'wtf@lyf' for example.
YEAH, YOU'RE NOT COOL.
stop stealing my shit.
[which i might have stolen from somebody else, can't recall, BUT IT DOESN'T MATTER]
thx.


----
life is weird.
i keep sleeping through school.
i'm gonna fail.

I ACTUALLY DID TECH TODAY.
i need these hours done.
i need to memorize my monologues.

i want next friday, late december, february, april, and june to come RIGHT NOW.
ughughugh.

i miss acting but i hate monologues. D;



i'm exhausted.
really exhausted.
but i don't want to sleep.
or pass.
or study.
or play music anymore.
...i really don't want to do that anymore.

but mostly, i want to write and stop smelling like cigarettes.

_jessica
<3


]]> ~SarcasticxPoetess http://SarcasticxPoetess.deviantart.com/journal/10618463/ http://SarcasticxPoetess.deviantart.com/journal/10618463/ Sat, 04 Nov 2006 20:55:14 PST


kiss today goodbye,
the sweetness and the sorrow.
wish me luck, the same to you.
but i can't regret what i did for love.
what i did for love.
[ l o o k , m y e y e s a r e d r y . ]
this gift was ours to borrow.
it's as if we always knew...
& i won't forget what i did for love.
what i did for love.


[^"what i did for love" - a chorus line]



i saw 'a chorus line' tonight. [obviously]
and ohhhh my jesus, it was wonderful. <3

i was honestly pretty shocked, because VCC [valencia community college], to the best of my knowledge, has never had a really strong drama department, but tonight's show was really good. o_o
i love this show. it's not too heavy and it's not too thin. it's really true to human emotion and practice and it's not hammering you with morals, but it's not laughable, either.

i don't regret anything i've done for love. <3

and not just the love i've had with guys [if love ever truly existed there in the first place, i'd like to think it did], or the love with my parents and friends, but the love i have for everything i do. the passion with which i throw myself into everything. i'm thankful for it, it keeps me sane as well as exhausted. it gives me hope for the future. <3 and, tiring at times, i don't regret it.

anndddd.
that show inspired me to write a fic, too.
[and, as a random note, i think my percussion clinician was the percussion player. o_o must ask him.]



Anyway.

LAST NIGHT WE WON THE GAME 37-6.
haha, screw off, GHS.
we know you picked up for homecoming because you thought we failed at life.
um, we're seven and three, bitches.

AND INVITED TO PLAY THE GRIDIRON BOWL AT WPHS ON THURSDAY.
<33333
that's gonna be a long few days. bowl game thursday night, then the CUTE IS WHAT WE AIM FOR & HELLOGOODBYE show on friday night with the marcie and the haley. <3 we're gonna get CRUN.
[too white to get fully crunk, obviously.]

must get insane makeup and hair stuff tomorrow. we're gonna be CRAZY.



anyway...
i actually SLEPT last night. like a BABY.
i got into bed, immediately fell asleep, and didn't even startle myself awake when my dad came to wake me up.
it felt soooo good. <3
but ended too soon. i had to get up at seven for a NHS community service thing.
tiring, but i don't regret it.
anne, danielle and i are only the best painters EVER.
WE SAVED LIVES.
...andddd i found a brick when i dug a hole. !

but afterwards, i fell asleep outside. on the grass.
it was hot. obviously.

then i went downtown and got cds and books for my report at the HUGEASS DOWNTOWN LIBRARY.
it's bigger than our MALL for god's sake.

thennnnn i went home and washed the car for money for my drama ad. which was lame, but i needed it. then the show, then home, now sleeep.

okay, probably not sleep. i have a lot i have to do, like finish the chapter of that frickin' book.
hopefully, it can wait until tomorrow, i'm way too tired at present.
i think it can. it will.



ughhh.
the only bad thing about the show?
it reminds me SO FREAKIN' MUCH about this one guy.
and i don't want to be reminded of him. D: he's never gonna be into me.
we hardly even talk anymore.

i guess stranger things have happened, though?

<3jessica


]]> ~SarcasticxPoetess http://SarcasticxPoetess.deviantart.com/journal/10597496/ http://SarcasticxPoetess.deviantart.com/journal/10597496/ Thu, 02 Nov 2006 19:44:03 PST
by sharing these things.
[ i rip my heart out. ]
it's worth my time, whatever that means, so...





it struck me today
how PARALLEL our lives are
it's kind of hard to tell sometimes
where the people we are end
and the people we write begin
[sometimes the line is comfortably nonexistant.
and sometimes it's distressingly real.]


life is fucked up.
in that amazingly weird sort of way.
but i'm not too worried, 'cause everything, everything, EVERYTHING always ends "happily ever after".
it's the second best part of the story.

the first best part...
well, marcie and i know what it is.
;D
you're not special enough to know or appreciate what it is, so ha.



at the nhs induction tonight i learned one thing.
i am not the product of myself.
i am the product of everything else everyone has made me become.

so this is simply to say that i love you all.
and THANK YOU for what you've made me.

to the two best darlingfacebestfriendforevers a girl could evereverever hope to have,
you are the fucking BEST. there is absolutely NOTHING i wouldn't do for the two of you, i love you more than basically everything and it's mostly thanks to both of you that i'm not destroying myself in some vacant alley.
[oh, and the parentals, too, since they're up there, as well.]


and thank you for trusting me as much as i trust you.
that means so much to me.



days are getting better, life is still the same mess.
but it's a beautiful mess. i guess it's about time i was thankful.

it's through adversity that we grow stronger.
and this porcelain isn't about to break.

_jessica <3


]]> ~SarcasticxPoetess http://SarcasticxPoetess.deviantart.com/journal/10585639/ http://SarcasticxPoetess.deviantart.com/journal/10585639/ Wed, 01 Nov 2006 18:14:21 PST
as life flies by,
i'm not sure how i'm gonna do this all again.
again.
so line by line i write this down,
& i'm just trying to find the end.
the end.

and all i know...

i never thought i would wake up in bed,
watching the world come down on my head.
i'd sleep like a dog if you would never have said,
this is the world coming down on your head.
you gave it to me, i remember it read,
you've got the world coming down on your head.
there's nothing to fight for, it's already dead.
and this is the world coming down on my head.



yum, yellowcard.


well.

today [at school] was rather interesting. i was honestly surprised and rather proud of myself. i did not withdraw into myself, i did not get angry, i just lived life, despite acting like i was in a haze.

it's kind of interesting, the fronts we put up to fool people.
[i'm so good at it, too]


i didn't sleep last night, i just kept laying awake and thinking of everything one can possibly think of. i honestly have little index cards all around my bed and desk with lines for poetry that i thought of while laying there. however, none of it makes sense.


as soon as i got home, i did my homework, ate actual food for the first time in a few days and then promptly passed out.


i then went to the library for books on my report subject, which was totally useless because i found nothing of use to me, then i came home. where the world fell down on my head.


the new apopka relief school boundaries just came out, and i don't know where all of my friends are located on there. if i'm alone at my school, i'm transferring to edgewater. i refuse to be even more alone here than i already am.


i left ALL of my shit for this week at my dad's, which is an annoyance in and of itself, but my band stuff for this friday, as well as my clothes for tomorrow's nhs induction and i don't know what to wearrrrr and it's this huge fucking deal.


hmmmm. my crush saw me today and completely ignored me. (: gotta love that. fucking bipolar.


andddd. what's probably the worst of all is that my dad has to fucking pay for hockey tickets now because of some stupid media thing, so now we can't go to as many games. and for those that know me, you know this sport is my stress relief. i love to watch guys beat the shit out of each other.



basically, anything that could have gone wrong today, did.



i give november one more day to redeem itself before i declare myself in hibernation mode.

- jessica.



]]> ~SarcasticxPoetess http://SarcasticxPoetess.deviantart.com/journal/10575192/ http://SarcasticxPoetess.deviantart.com/journal/10575192/ Tue, 31 Oct 2006 19:30:32 PST

you look at me,
but you're not quite sure.
am i it, or could you get more?
you learn cool from magazines,
you learn love from charlie sheen.
[ if you want me, let me know. ]
i promise i won't say no.





omfgggg that boy.
thatboythatboythatboy. <3
he's gonna be MINE by february.
[if i have anything to say about it]

i don't know what it is about LOVE.
but today i had a duct tape heart on my pantleg.

oh, it is love

i just have a feeling it's not the right time, yet.
but i'm patient.
just enough. it's destroyed everyone else's lives.
but it won't get mine.



-bummed- so, marcie and i totally missed trick-or-treat for the hungry, which means i'm missing a community service project for NHS i'll have to do in the spring, but that's k. after a lot of pointless driving and me and my mother yelling frustratedly at each other, we finally got to the mall and hung out for a while. i had SODA. omfg yes. <3

and quality time with the best friend, which i needed. <3333


haha, i had the best costume.
i was emo.
literally.
i had a sign and everything.
and the black makeup that won't come off my face is living proof.
grahhh. >O


i have marcie's tiara on my head and i look pimmppppp.
oh man, it's the best thing EVER.


i took my environmental test today and didn't fail. (:
i got a C, but you know what, wtf@wind.

but i have to go to algebra tomorrow. :/
fail. at least i've done all of my homework. i'm quite proud.
[i'll fail the test, but oh well.]
I GOT A 94 ON MY CHAPTER THREE TEST.
fuckkk yes. <3



i curse too much.
and you know what, i don't care.

oh man, i'm so tired, but i can't sleep. :/

tomorrow's gonna be a good day, i'm pretty sure.
I GET OUT AT ONE AND GET TO STAY HOME.
WTF@LIFE.

loveeeeeeeee,
that jessica person.


]]> ~SarcasticxPoetess http://SarcasticxPoetess.deviantart.com/journal/10542428/ http://SarcasticxPoetess.deviantart.com/journal/10542428/ Sat, 28 Oct 2006 22:26:14 PDT
i've got a feeling in my gut, now fills me
with so much h o p e.
said, "fuck it, i'm fine".
dine & dashed,
the pianist peddled into morning,
morning.


-----

today was marching band assessment/festival.

i don't get it. i don't know how we could feel so ABSOLUTELY EUPHORIC about a show, get so much praise from so many people, and still come back with straight excellents. i'm so confused and frustrated and upset, and angry, because people get upset at me for being angry. because i care and i want to see this program that deserves so many things GO PLACES. damnit. just damnit.


in other news...
we fucking lost the game at East Ridge. we could have gotten into the playoffs, wtf, and we lose 21-41. e_e;

andddd.
i need a lot of money like. now. and now i'm being bothered with the percussion fee, too. wtf, give it up, man. i'll get to it eventually, i'm sorry my parents aren't made of money. e_e

um.
i have a lot of homework i can't/don't want to do.
i'm really angsting over it and i can even tell, physically. i'm doing too much and i can't stop, this sucks so bad. :/ and with nhs...mou tghgjhsgjhdg e_e;;


in good news, what little of it there is.

apparently i've been picked to act in this scene from 'a chorus line' for districts. whoo. ^_^ andddd i was nominated for this knights of the round table thing at school. apparently, one of my teachers is disillusioned enough to think i have fine morals and good character.


lol@life.

i am so tired. x.x;
__kaoru


]]> ~SarcasticxPoetess http://SarcasticxPoetess.deviantart.com/journal/10511149/ http://SarcasticxPoetess.deviantart.com/journal/10511149/ Wed, 25 Oct 2006 20:27:01 PDT


well wtf.
my computer wouldn't work today and i got mad at it, and then it worked again. i managed to finish a good portion of my homework, i am quite proud of myself. ^_^

actually, i'm really writing this because i was trying to listen to a video on my friend's myspace [chasing cars - snow patrol] and it wouldn't play and i got frustrated with it and then it started playing 'all that i've got' by the used, and that's not even on his page...[o-o]...but if you had any idea what i'm thinking and feeling right now, it was so perfect.

and again, wtf@musicplayers.


well, while i'm here, i might as well say i made it into nhs. 8D
yayyyy white robe at graduation or wtfever.
I EVEN HAVE A NICKNAME.
exciteable girl.


ohhhhhh, it feels so good to be back to normallll.
as normal as my life ever gets. i like worrying more about others than my own mental stability, which is currently...well, stable.

except my stomach is a fucker, nearly knocking me out of commission at practice today. although i really could have missed my clinician throwing things around and yelling and all. wtf I KNOW IT'S FESTIVAL WEEK BUT CHILL. a mallet totally unraveled today, too, while i was playing, it was so scary. it kept getting stuck on things and made it hard to play. D: but it was kinda cool, even though i'm not supposed to say that because they're expensive, but damn.

that's all i have to say aboutttt that.
-bouncebouncebouncebounce-


i'm so very very very slaphappy.
wheeee
<3 kaoru


]]> ~SarcasticxPoetess http://SarcasticxPoetess.deviantart.com/journal/10501052/ http://SarcasticxPoetess.deviantart.com/journal/10501052/ Tue, 24 Oct 2006 19:14:56 PDT

omfg.
band practice.
was hell.
but junie and i?
we're awesome.




chain hang low - the ohs marching knights remix

do your dots hang low?
do they wobble to tha flo'?
DO THEY SHINE IN THE LIGHT?!
are they rainbow...or are they white?
can you throw them over your shoulder?
if you hot, do they make you cold?
do your dots hang low?


...we're still in the editing process.
some idiots say it reminds them too much of the Jibbs version. wtf@idiots.


at any ratttteeee.
i feel better. sort of.
i don't feel better, i just feel more apathetic, and that's okay, too. i went to school today. i liked it. it made me feel more like a person, and i like feeling human when i can.

things will never, ever, ever be perfect.
but we can try.



OHHHH HECK YES I MADE IT TO DISTRICTS.
i have to find two new monlogues though. :/ fail.
Disney Moms didn't make it. ;_; But I got the notes today, and every one of my notes was like, "great energy! very funny. good clarity."
i was like, "this bitch will never be just another face in the crowd. 8D" and people stared, but that's okay.


that's liiffffeee as it is.
but my dots do not hang low. ;_;
damn pitt.



...oh my god this song.
UGH WTF@MUSICPLAYERS. e___e

[i love this song though so it's all good just...;-;]

so, here we are,
[ that's pretty far, ]
when you think of where we've been.
no going back,
i'm fading out,
all that has faded me within.


bah.
i call it emotion disorder and sleep well at night.

<3 Kaoru


]]> ~SarcasticxPoetess http://SarcasticxPoetess.deviantart.com/journal/10491158/ http://SarcasticxPoetess.deviantart.com/journal/10491158/ Mon, 23 Oct 2006 19:12:24 PDT


'cause i need
i need to hear you say
i love you
[ i love you ]
i have loved you all along



ohhhh my jesus.
i think someone has just sucked all of the oxygen out of my house. or rammed a metal, blunt instrument into my stomach multiple times.

...i will not cry.
i will put on a happy face and everything will be just fine because i am in control.
i was so stupid. i've been so stupid all along.


see, this is what i say everytime and then i do the same stupid thing again and again and again and again and again and i find it kind of sad that i expected everything to change and everything's the same and the best part is nothing you said ever meant anything to me because i never ever believed in you or the things you said to pacify my anger and sadness because it was all a farce.

i never thought you'd end up like all the others.
[ i thought you said you were better than that ]


...oh my god, this hurts like hell.



[Smile Like You Mean It]
lol@bipolarmusicplayers



]]> ~SarcasticxPoetess http://SarcasticxPoetess.deviantart.com/journal/10449249/ http://SarcasticxPoetess.deviantart.com/journal/10449249/ Thu, 19 Oct 2006 19:33:19 PDT


& i don't want the world to see me,
'cause i don't think that they'd understand.
when everything's meant to be broken,
i just want you to know who i am.





Tonight was exhausting. But tomorrow is a different day, a step closer to finding myself and what I'm really like. I think tonight was a huge jump, kind of like crossing over that raging river without the use of a bridge.

You just take the jump and if you fall in and drown, then that's how it goes.



I have an amazing life with amazing people in it. Things aren't perfect, people aren't going to be perfect. That's how it is. The important part is just knowing that we try our best every day, and sometimes we make mistakes and then sometimes we're just about right. To forgive and forget and to trust and to let go of our inhibitions. To reach our breaking point and fall into somebody and just let them know that we need them. Everyone needs to be needed.

And for tonight, it didn't matter that I was sobbing my eyes out in the middle of a sea of people. It didn't matter that I'm deeply in like with a guy that will never notice me. It didn't matter that one of my best friends lives thousands of miles away. It just mattered that they're all there for me in their seperate ways and I am a very lucky person.



I love you all. <3
___Jessica

[ i just don't want to miss you tonight... ]



]]> ~SarcasticxPoetess http://SarcasticxPoetess.deviantart.com/journal/10385164/ http://SarcasticxPoetess.deviantart.com/journal/10385164/ Fri, 13 Oct 2006 22:02:31 PDT


fifteen hundred miles away
why would you want to stay?
so take a look around


Today was an interesting day.

My dad and I went to EPCOT. I ate a lot of deserts as I went around the world...-got full of custards and the like- The best was the kaki-gori in Japan, but that's ALWAYS there. I could live off of that stuff. Anywho, we went on all four of the major rides [Soarin', which is...okay, I guess, Test Track = <3, Mission: Space = <333333, and...whatever that ball-y thing is. Boring. x.x;] We also went on the ride in Mexico, for posterity.

They had no watermelon juice. Fuckers.

But, apparently, this plane landed in the interstate so my dad was called into work. BUT, [and he surprised me by doing this] he told the other guy it was his day off and he was sorry, but couldn't make it. So we continued on our merry way. AND WE GOT MASKS. O: We could have colored them, but my dad and I decided to make a statement and leave them blank.

We did miss the tram, though, which is my second favorite ride, next to the monorail, of course. BUT. They had a landscape inspired completely in the style of Beauty and the Beast. Fweird. [if you knew this roleplay I have going, it'd make sense.]


Thennn my dad and I went to Mall at Milleniaaaa. With good food. Which wasn't that good. :/ So we went downtown.

Downtown Orlando, like, the actual...city, downtown, is really pretty around the arena/performing arts area. I loved just walking around. We even stopped in this cute little pizza place and had the largest piece of pizza in the free world. -couldn't finish-

Then we saw one of my favorite shows, Sweeney Todd. I love that show. It has the perfect mix of humor, suspense, death, and pastries. I'd go in detail but I'll save everyone the trouble. xD Just know it is amazinggggg. <3333


Tomorrow, I'm going to buy Phantom and V for Vendetta on DVD. -exciteeeddd- And maybe even Senses Fail's new cd, but I'm not so sure about that.

I need to memorize my monologues. Like. Now.



Today was a really good day, I'm glad. I needed it. I can't think of anything that went completely terribly, but then again, things never were completely terrible. I guess a few things can change as people evolve and learn, but for the most part, nothing does.

Which is a mixed blessing, I guess. This means I can't change and I'll have to accept everything in my life as the way it is. But hey, if I can have everything in my life be this almost-perfect all of the time, then I'm not in bad shape.


love always, everyone, xoxoxo
__ Jessica


]]> ~SarcasticxPoetess http://SarcasticxPoetess.deviantart.com/journal/10374033/ http://SarcasticxPoetess.deviantart.com/journal/10374033/ Thu, 12 Oct 2006 20:42:13 PDT
i waited for you.
i died inside my own head,
[ and i'd die again for you. ]

i'm faded and tired,
completely uninspired,
[ and i'd die again for you. ]

so kill me with the love that you won't give to me.
and pack the wound with salt; i want to feel it bleed.
[ you wanted me to crawl, so now i'm on my knees. ]




^
"for you" - smile empty soul



Practice was the way practice always is. But, Emily and Maria had a fight over who loves me more, which is always somewhat flattering and amusing. Afterwards, Junie, Maria and I had an ice throwing/stuffing/melting war. That was freakin' hilarious. [I have an odd interest in watching ice melt.]

Tomorrow, my dad and I are going to do some of my favorite things. Actually, this weekend is full of them. Tomorrow my dad and I are going to EPCOT for the Food and Wine Festival, then heading down to this great place at Mall of Millenia for dinner, and thennnnnn going to theatre. (: Saturday, I WAS going to go to the beach, but now my dad has to work, so I guess we'll do something that evening...on Sunday, I'm supposedly going to the mall with Allison, which is exciting.

However, I just hope I get to enjoy it. I think I will.
This is probably the first coherent thing I've typed all day that didn't appear like I was having a seisure. I'm kind of sad, things didn't go like I planned, but they never do. I'm not a person who takes risks, you know? Everytime I have, something ends up broken, but I guess those are sacrifices we have to make to better ourselves.

It's kind of odd, when you expect the exact thing that's going to happen, but you're still upset at the outcome, anyway.


Cest la vie. We all die eventually, anyway, and I guess by then it doesn't really matter. Perhaps he was right... perhaps not. I can't tell, yet.

I'm starving, though. Yay.


]]> ~SarcasticxPoetess http://SarcasticxPoetess.deviantart.com/journal/10363375/ http://SarcasticxPoetess.deviantart.com/journal/10363375/ Wed, 11 Oct 2006 21:05:27 PDT


well, if you should nervously break down,
[ when it's time for the shakedown, would you take it? ]
it's when you cry just a little, but you laugh in the middle that you've made it.
and don't it feel alright, and don't it feel so nice,
l o v e l y . . .




I think I am more confused than I have ever been in my entire life. These past few days have been an emotional rollercoaster that was built to crash and I'm just waiting for the day that I break down and stop protecting myself from everyone.

And all I wanted...

I don't even know what I want anymore. I guess not to feel so damn useless, and that's exactly the way I feel. You'd never begin to understand that feeling, could you? I would make you understand, but I think you're too afraid to find out that underneath this supportive, happy shell of a person, I am falling apart. I'm lonely.

I guess I just want you to know me.



]]> ~SarcasticxPoetess http://SarcasticxPoetess.deviantart.com/journal/10341714/ http://SarcasticxPoetess.deviantart.com/journal/10341714/ Mon, 09 Oct 2006 20:57:04 PDT

everything eventually gets better.
& then it just gets worse



I know my problem. I am too involved with my writing to ever really feel emotion. Most everything I feel, every somewhat generic experience I've had, I've written before. I've felt it before it even happened, and by the time it inevitably does, it's an old feeling. Therefore, nothing should bother me.


I think I just want to talk about it, but I can't.
And I'm not sure if I can trust you to tell you.


I think I'm just afraid of failure.
And I am failing, failing, failing.



here i go, scream my lungs out, and try to get to you

I just took a walk outside, it's really, really cold for October.
This song reminds me of everything that could and might've been. And everything that can't be.

Damn, damn, damn.

People don't keep their word.
My facade is shattering.
I just feel the weight of the world driving me into the ground and I want out. I want it to stop hurting.

And don't anyone dare be a hypocrite.
I know exactly what's been done.





]]> ~SarcasticxPoetess http://SarcasticxPoetess.deviantart.com/journal/10318855/ http://SarcasticxPoetess.deviantart.com/journal/10318855/ Sat, 07 Oct 2006 20:55:23 PDT

tonight it's
it can't get much worse
versus
no one should ever feel like...



OHS Marching Knights scored fourth in a division of four. I don't remember what the overall ranking was. Not only can we manage to fuck up our field show, apparently, we can't lose with class, either.

I am ashamed of our band and 90% of the people in it.


But I love Elmo veryvery much. <3 She held me as I started sobbing and walked with me to keep me company and talked to me when I didn't think I wanted to talk to anyone. She's like a drumline big sister.

And my dad said Joseph looked like a girl.



But I'm dead tired and I shake when I try to fall asleep and I don't feel well but I think I'm going to try passing out anyway.

Perhaps tomorrow will be better. Perhaps.


]]> ~SarcasticxPoetess http://SarcasticxPoetess.deviantart.com/journal/10308945/ http://SarcasticxPoetess.deviantart.com/journal/10308945/ Fri, 06 Oct 2006 22:04:12 PDT
hail ocoee high <3 <3 <3



we did it.
we fucking did it.

OHS KNIGHTS BEAT WOHS WARRIORS IN DOUBLE OVERTIME.

WOW is great, but OK is better.



It seems so silly to type about...
But this week was like hell in every single way. I felt like a wounded puppy that was just kicked repeatedly. But tonight...


I started crying so many times. I cried when WO scored with five minutes left in the game. I started losing it when we ran fifty yards and scored our touchdown. I cried when the game was tied and I cried when the field goal scored on the second down won us the game.

But mostly, I cried because I was so happy to be a part of something larger than me. It's me, and everybody else involved, and then something extra that I can't explain that makes nights like these so wonderful. Marching band has such a large influence over my life, and even though it seems terrible, it really has been a blessing in disguise. There's something special going on with this group of people and I know I'm not the only one who notices.

As we scored and the cheerleaders ran to the team and the band just kept playing our stand riffs [I was grinning like an idiot xD], the principal, the supposed epitome of calm and collection ran to our [the band] side of the field, shouting and pointing, "This is why we need you! You made this happen!", looking like he had tears in /his/ eyes, and it felt...defining.



[FINAL SCORE: 30 to 27, HOME]

I think we are SO ready to take on Citrus High School tomorrow.
Bands going to the Hurricane Invitational in Ivernes tomorrow better get prepared for a knightmare. Can I get a HECK YES? 8D

Find out how it's going down, email my phone at 4072523743@vmobl.com. Don't forget to actually refresh your email for a response, that's kind of important and would save me from being bored on the amazingly long bus trip. But remember, I only get 160 characters per message and anything more than that won't get sent.

I am so fucking tired, I'm going to bed now.

I love you all. <3 Catch you on the flip side.

<333
Jessica.


]]> ~SarcasticxPoetess http://SarcasticxPoetess.deviantart.com/journal/10297959/ http://SarcasticxPoetess.deviantart.com/journal/10297959/ Thu, 05 Oct 2006 20:21:20 PDT

stolid [adjective] not easily moved mentally or emotionally



please let this end.
i have nothing left.
no dignity, no happiness,
i have lost the majority of my best friends.
i make myself sick.


and i think i have ceased to take myself seriously.
ahahahahaha.


]]> ~SarcasticxPoetess http://SarcasticxPoetess.deviantart.com/journal/10287387/ http://SarcasticxPoetess.deviantart.com/journal/10287387/ Wed, 04 Oct 2006 20:52:31 PDT
but she knows what she's doing...




I am hiding under a rock for the rest of my teenage life.
Or in a hole. Probably a hole.

Jessica's a bitch and she knows it so you all can shut the fuck up and leave her alone if you don't like it.
You became friends with me, you deal with it. I'm not fucking apologizing anymore.

[Because I can't change back to what you think I was and I'm honestly happy now not giving a damn about anything but myself and maybe four other people in this world.
But mostly myself.]



But I'm not even happy at all.


Damn it.
I need a mental health month.
Not a band competition this weekend and the West Orange game on Friday and the end of the nine weeks coming next week.

...Please donate your hair to me, I think I've ripped most of mine out.


]]> ~SarcasticxPoetess http://SarcasticxPoetess.deviantart.com/journal/10242269/ http://SarcasticxPoetess.deviantart.com/journal/10242269/ Sat, 30 Sep 2006 22:57:54 PDT
i radio heaven when no one's around





Today was a kind of....weird day.
I had to stay home with mom and clean for fucking ever, but we did eventually leave the house and go shopping. I got gum and a new hairbrush. xD Oh, and some batteries.

My dad and I went out to dinner and just sat there eating and talking for like...an hour and a half to two hours. But, it was fun. Sort of. I complained a lot. Salad bar was good. We went to Steak & Ale.

Then I went home and did pretty much absolutely nothing except the following...thingy.

I'm tired. I slept in today and I'm still tired. I'm always tired.
I think my entire body is broken and I want a new one. D:



Instructions:

1) List 20-ish things that you want to say to people, but never will.
2) Don't say who they are.
3) Never discuss it again. [yeah, right]

1. I admire the way you never let adversity affect you [at least, it seems like that to all of us]. You are amazing. I love you, I miss you. You are my shining star. <3

2. I still can't believe you picked her over us. And I guess I could say it's my fault. I love you, I'm happy for you, but I miss you and I don't think it's fair.

3. I hate you. I wish I could hate you, I love you too much to hate you. Why did you ruin everything? Things were so good... I guess I'm falling in love with memories.

4. You. I think I could fall in love with a guy like you, it's a shame you'll never notice me as anything more than an annoyance. Just know you're perfect; I adored you before I met you.

5. I miss you so much. Even though that part of my life was hell, I'd go through it again just to remember what it was like to have an unconditional best friend. I'm sorry for everything.

6. I love you, but sometimes I don't know what to do about you. I think you see me as more than I am, and I apologize for that. You deserve better, I hope someday you find it.

7. I miss our great conversations. I hate the way we never speak to each other anymore. What happened?

8. You see me as a lot more than I see you. I love you, but sometimes you need to leave me alone.

9. I miss you. I think I'll always love you a little bit, it's a shame you never were able to fully love me and never will be.

10. You saved my life that night. When no one else was there -- you were. You always are. I love you, I wonder why you stick around a girl like me. But if I told you that, you'd probably get angry and yell kind things at me. You like to do that, I'm only beginning to believe you.

11. I can't believe what you did to yourself, to our friendship. I missed you a lot, now I'm wondering what I missed. Know I'll always love you, and I want what's best for you. I hope someday you realize there's more to life and find it. You have the ability to be so much more, have so much more. Use it.

12. I pretend to be friends with you because I don't need enemies. Just know I pretty much haven't forgiven you and don't really want to. You're too lucky and one day I won't be the only one who knows it.

13. I think you could like me. I think I like you, too. If I wasn't so shy and you weren't so hellbent on what you already have, I think we'd be great together. Please, give me a chance. <3

14. I hate the way I'm jealous of you. I hate the way I feel like I have to compete with everyone else in your life. I hate the way I know you don't need me in your life and I probably shouldn't be there. I hate the way too many things remind me of you. I hate the way you mean so much to me when it makes me so upset. But mostly, I hate the way that I know you know this is about you.

15. I hate the way you think you're so much better than everyone else. I hate the way you ignore me when you don't need me around. But, I love the times we can actually get along. You know I'm always here for you.

16. Sadly, if you had it a little more together and I weren't afraid of the backlash I'd get from everyone else, I'd probably go out with you. I'm sorry, I guess I'm shallow.

17. I think I've always looked up to you. I just wish you would stop some of the things you do.

18. If things were totally different, I think we'd be completely compatible.

19. I love you, but sometimes I question a lot of the things you do. I trust that you won't fall down that path, but I worry.

20. I think I'd like you a lot if we talked more. We totally should.

21. You've lied to me so many times that I thought I could never trust you again. However, I think t... ]]> ~SarcasticxPoetess http://SarcasticxPoetess.deviantart.com/journal/10218618/ http://SarcasticxPoetess.deviantart.com/journal/10218618/ Thu, 28 Sep 2006 18:31:39 PDT
contradict the fact that you still want me around




It's been foreverrrr. And I'm currently way too exhausted to fill everyone in on what's been going on in any great detail, howeverrrr:

-Homecoming '06 was a fucking brilliant night. If you missed it, you missed out on a ton. Including, but not limited to, my interpretive dance to "Seven Nation Army" by the White Stripes.
Crazy? My friends?
Naw.

-Steel Magnolias went extremely well. THANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOU to all of you for your support. Oh my God, I couldn't have kept my head on straight with you guys. I love you.
A huge thank you to everyone who came!
Especially . I love that girl so much. ;_;
You made me feel so great. <3

Again, if you didn't see it, you missed out on some great acting, and me being pregnant. ;D

-MY BRACES ARE OFF!
I am one step closer to being somewhat attractive. Can I get a heck yes?
HECK YES.




I went to the doctor...I have to wear a wrist brace at night now and I can't push or lift anything heavy when I go to practice, and now everyone hates me. XD Oh well.

I'm getting to be really absentminded...I mean, /really/. I've lost my notebook, and misplaced my new one on several occasions, and today I left my backpack in the cafeteria after lunch. Ugh, wtf, man.

YO SOY EL PRESIDENTE DE EL CLUB DE ESPANOL. <3


Um. I'm really fucking tired all the time and I keep getting to school late. Oops.



Important!
Anyone who can text message, or anyone with YIM, needs to text message me. I got a new phone specifically to text message on [it's cheaper] and it really saves me from being bored.
[for YIM users: actions > send an sms message > other contact]

the number isss:
407-252-3743

and tell me who you are in your first message, please?
I probably won't be able to tell. xD

But if you want to call me, use the old number.
Which I'm not putting on here because if I wanted to talk to you, you'd have my cell phone number already, obviously.
[that and I've had some odd phone calls from people I don't know, wtf. if you want it, ask]


HOCKEY SEASON IS COMING UP.
omgomgomgexcitedomg


...but so are band competitions.
shitdamnfuckwhore.

I guess that's it. Back to homework.
I'm not failing algebra anymore, yay!


<3 Kaoru


]]> ~SarcasticxPoetess http://SarcasticxPoetess.deviantart.com/journal/10002399/ http://SarcasticxPoetess.deviantart.com/journal/10002399/ Thu, 07 Sep 2006 18:51:40 PDT

won't you sing me to sleep?
& fly through my dreams
so i can hitch a ride with you tonight...



Mouuuu.
Hi everybody. :3

It seems like such a longtime since I last wrote anything. I suppose it hasn't, but...I guess so much happens in a typical day for me that things like journals tend to slip my mind [that and this is the first time in three days I could get online].

Anywho, first and foremost, Steel Magnolias is almost coming to an end. Less than two weeks left, I'm so nervous and scared but EXCITED. The show is coming along...slowly, but it's coming along. I have all of my lines memorized, but my blocking and cues are just a tad shaky. I'll get it, though. I believe in myself.

I also believe that I am NEVER doing another show during marching season ever again. Gahhh I'm always so tired. There won't be another weekday night for weeks that I go home before six o'clock, oftentimes later. -flails- I'm keeping afloat in all of my classes, though, moderately well. Better than I expected, actually. But I can't talk to you all when I'm gone. D: At least, not as much as I would like. I love you all, though. I get this weekend off, [last one for forever D:] so I'm gonna hang out with my mom on Saturday and do props on Sunday...God I'm such a drama nut. XD

Band is coming along...really slowly. There are practices where I make a ton of progress, and there are nights that I come home so frustrated because I feel like my brain has some kind of block. I don't learn as fast as everyone else, and I don't know why. And what I do learn I tend to choke up and forget about. That, AND my wrists don't feel any better most of the time. In fact, a lot of times they feel worse...>>; I'm kinda scared, I don't want to stop playing this far into the game. I think we only have one scene left [even though I'm STILL learning scene three. x.x].

Oh! Does anyone know of a good monologue? It can be comedic or dramatic, I don't really care which, as long as it's interesting and I can get into it. I wanna take it to districts, along with the comedic scene I'm in. Yesss. I got the part! ^_^ I get to play an artificially sweet therapist...sweet.

-bounces- See...in my life that doesn't revolve around extra-curriculars [that life is basically nonexistant], I have a B in algebra. I hate algebra. e___e 87. I better pull it up by report cards or I'ma dieee. I can't stand that the teacher grades homework for accuracy and not attempt. WTF is that?!

I got my homecoming dress! It's really simple, but I find it really pretty. It's just a little black dress with white tulle on the bottom, a white sash, and a white border embroidery thing on the top. It's classic. <3 I think I'm getting into that phase...with old music and black and white clothes and stuff. If I had some amount of free time I'd probably watch old movies. XD

Speaking of which...anyone else watch Desperate Housewives? I'm only on the first season, but that last episode was kinda creepy. o-o;

Hm...this is a long, pointless entry. it's all the stuff I'd tell people if I ever could have a long conversation with them. It's kinda sad. ;-; I never have any anymore, it seems.

But...the other day I went up to my friend for a hug and jumped on him. He caught me, but fell over, and I had to get up really fast before my teacher saw us...so I scrambled to my feet, forgetting I had a short skirt on. Loveeely. >>;

On a happier note, I have a 96.5 in AP Environmental! Yayy for the A on that test, whose essay questions I basically BSed. >>; WHOO!

I also think my Spanish oral test scheduled for tomorrow is cancelled until Tuesday. ^_^;;;

I'm trying to get my dad to say yes to the Spain/France trip. However, if I go, I'm putting aside extra money for phone cards back to the US. I REFUSE TO GO CRAZY AGAIN.

Speaking of which, it's a damn Thursday night. Get online everyone. >O
I miss you allll. D:

Coming Events
September 16 - Homecoming Dance. <3
September 20-23 - Steel Magnolias
September 25 - Braces come off!

]]> ~SarcasticxPoetess http://SarcasticxPoetess.deviantart.com/journal/9935712/ http://SarcasticxPoetess.deviantart.com/journal/9935712/ Fri, 01 Sep 2006 23:12:11 PDT
b u t i s e e t h r o u g h i t a l l
[ see you ]





I use sarcasm as a shield.
It's a shield from hurt, from pain, from reality. As long as I play it off like it's nothing, it becomes nothing.
It's loving you without trusting you, because I don't.


It's my heart.
Stop taking it.
Stop breaking it.
Stop using it as if it means nothing to you.
Stop hurting me.




[We beat Jones.
I'm sick as a dog.
Don't make promises you can't keep.
Well, hahahahaha.]
]]> ~SarcasticxPoetess http://SarcasticxPoetess.deviantart.com/journal/9703676/ http://SarcasticxPoetess.deviantart.com/journal/9703676/ Sat, 12 Aug 2006 15:10:02 PDT
---
The rules of the game:

1. People you know offline/real life don't count.
2. Do not say something like "Their art rox!" At least say something more complex, and go into detail of why.
3. If you are one of the five people complimented, then you are TAGGED! Therefore you must take this quiz as well. [or don't. xD it's all good]
4. You can tag people other than those you mentioned, even deviants you know from offline.


1] -
Ferreccccc. Your art is amazing. <333 I love the originality and the way you're never afraid to do what /you/ want to do. I'm really proud of the way you stand up for yourself and what you believe in, especially because out opinions usually match. XD You're extremely intelligent and know what you're talking about, which is definitely something I admire. <3

2]
OMG my Jessface. I love you to death and back, seriously. <3 You've always been there for me when I needed someone, and always been there when I felt like I didn't need anyone. I don't know WHERE I'd be without you, darling. Probably dead or some shell of a human being, I don't know. You are so incredibly sweet and kind, it kind of makes me ashamed of myself at times. xD Your art is fantastic! You're so creative with your mediums. Your writing makes me want to jump off of a cliff; I'll never be as good as you. D:
All in all, you're a wonderful best friend to have. <3 Thank you for everything.

3]
SHANE! Oh man, you are amazing. You have a sense of humor that can always make me laugh, but you have the emotions of a true poet. When I've needed someone to listen, you've been there, and when I needed a good laugh, you've never failed to deliver. You are an AMAZING poet. You inspire me to better myself and have always given me hope when I gave up on my own writing.
NO words could ever express how glad I am that we met. <3 ILU.

4]
Shadow-samaaaa. :3 What can I say? You're kind of like another big sister to me. If I have a problem, I know I can always go to you for help, and you always have good, realistic advice. Your sense of humor always makes me grin. [HELOOOOO WELCOME TO BOAT!] And, most importantly, you've never made me feel stupid for being years younger than you. Thank you for that. <3
Your writing is...fkhdglhjkskgh. I always looked up to you as far as writing goes. Your photography is divine.
Basically, you're too good at everything. Bitch.

5]
Renee. Ohhh Renee. You're amazing, someone to look up to. I admire your sense of self, I long for your self-esteem. Thank you for never letting me put myself down without getting scolded, I needed that reassurance. <3
Thanks, especially, for all of the fun times we had terrorizing the chat boards. XD Good times, good times.
Your photomanipulations make me want to steal your talent.
Annddddd.
You're fucking gorgeous. <3333

------

Lifeeee.
Has been okay.

Busy, though.

School is looking pretty good... I like all of my classes, except Algebra II and AP Environmental Science, but that was to be expected. It looks like it's going to be a good year, at any rate. Not easy, definitely, but fun. Newspaper, band, and drama...and maybe president of the Spanish club. Hell yeah. <3

Speaking of newspaper...I think it's going to become my new favorite class. <33333333333333333333
Oh my God I'm the worst kind of wishful thinker. But...^_^;



Today was the band rally at Sun State Ford. and I went together; I had a GREAT time. [I hope you did too, Marcie!] It was a good time to just hang out and get rid of some of this extra school spirit I've been carrying around. xD [what can I say, I love my band. <3]
... ]]> ~SarcasticxPoetess http://SarcasticxPoetess.deviantart.com/journal/9612350/ http://SarcasticxPoetess.deviantart.com/journal/9612350/ Sat, 05 Aug 2006 22:03:08 PDT

This is how it works: Comment on this entry and I will give you a letter. Write ten words beginning with that letter in your journal, including an explanation what the word means to you and why, then pass out letters to those who want to play along.

gave me n. Sorry for taking so long. XD




-New York City: the largest city in New York State and in the United States; located in southeastern New York at the mouth of the Hudson river; a major financial and cultural center

I love New York City. It's absolutely one of my favorite places to go on vacation. I adore the rush of the city, feeling alone and yet never quite /so/ alone. I love the subways, the delis, and [especially] Broadway.

Please take me back there.


-newspaper- a publication, usually issued daily or weekly, containing current news, editorials, feature articles, and usually advertising

When I finish college, I want to be a journalist, and eventually an editorialist. I want to major in print media because of my love for writing [and radio news is BS]. This year will be my first year on the school paper.


-narcissistic- excessive love or admiration of oneself;
a psychological condition characterized by self-preoccupation, lack of empathy, and unconscious deficits in self-esteem; characteristic of those having an inflated idea of their own importance

A common word people use to describe me. Whether or not I am really this egotistical and vain, I don't know. [I don't have enough sense of self to know, I suppose]

If you asked my friends, half would say I am and half would say I am not -- come to your own conclusions.


-narrow-minded- lacking tolerance or flexibility or breadth of view

It is extremely difficult to change my mind once I have it set; my opinions do not sway and I typically am not tolerant of other people's opinions if they are opposite of my own.

But hey, at least I'm honest.

-nausea- a feeling of sickness in the stomach

A lot of things make me very sick to my stomach [including the perfume I am currently wearing], such as long car rides in the heat, doing too much exercize after eating, waking up suddenly in the morning, blood, and the knowledge of someone being angry with me.

I have this feeling, I'd say, at least an eighth of the time, if not more.


-needle- a small, slender implement used for sewing or surgical suturing, made usually of polished steel and having an eye at one end through which a length of thread is passed and held

Needles, and consequently, blood frighten me. I am incredibly afraid of shots for this reason and the thought of it makes me pale. However, I don't mind sewing needles and I have a fondness for safety pins. [XD] Purposely pricking, poking, or cutting myself makes me incredibly sick as well.


-needy- wanting or needing affection, attention, or reassurance, especially to an excessive degree

I am incredibly incredibly needy. Although I appear to many people [and even myself] to be a loner, the phase can only last so long until I need to 'cling' to someone again. This is why I place a lot of importance on my friends and family, and this is why they want to throw me off a cliff. <3


-nervous- easily agitated or distressed; high-strung or jumpy

This is pretty self-explanitory if you know me pretty well. There is never a time where I'm not distressed over something, especially over something relating to myself and how I appear to others.


-nocturnal- most active at night

Also self-explanitory. I am much more active at night and typically think better at night. Going to bed before two is early for me [even for school] and it's not that hard for me to stay up all night, even alone. If I've done nothing during the day I can stay up until five, six, or seven in the morning. If I'm bored or exhausted, I'll typically go to bed earlier. I'm usually just bored.

For school, though, I go to bed sometime between ten and twelve.


-nonsense- words or signs having no intelligible meaning; extravagant foolishness or frivolity

What can I say? The majority of things I do make no sense to anybody [even though they make perfect sense to me]. When I'm happy/hyper I can do a lot of random things...singing, dancing, making odd noises, having the sudden urge to do things I don't normally... ]]> ~SarcasticxPoetess http://SarcasticxPoetess.deviantart.com/journal/9575459/ http://SarcasticxPoetess.deviantart.com/journal/9575459/ Wed, 02 Aug 2006 16:52:44 PDT
~SarcasticxPoetess
has a [ love ] like w i n t e r

is a Journalist
is Female
is a deviant since Jul 21, 2004, 10:18 PM
has 3,300 pageviews
is located in United States
last visited 22h 52m 27s ago



THANKS TO ALL MY WATCHERS!
<3 lovelovelove.

-----

I need a life.
It's sad that I'm kind of looking forward to tomorrow because I have a dentist appointment, school orientation, then band practice.
And then have absofuckinglutely nothing to do for four days.
I really, really, really need a life.


Life's been kinda boring...
Yesterday a group of band kids went to the commissioner's meeting to play for them. Guess who was there?
West Orange drumline, asking for money.
AHJDJHJDHH They nearly died when they saw us. I wish I had a camera. They were like, "...wtf....D:"
I kinda wanted to hug them. :/ They need the money pretty badly.


Oh well.


Today I got to help with my friend's English project. I had to take a picture, trying to manipulate things to make it look like I was cutting myself [it has to do with her book or whatever]. It was...interesting. But my arm is covered in nailpolish. >>;

It was also kind of sad, too.


This computer is getting kind of fucked up.
e.e
[but I'm almost done with 1984 because I kept getting frustrated with the internet and gave up]



Somewhat Important Stuff

- For those of you who give half a damn about me at all, this weekend I'm pretty much free [although please God my dad will take me to go see West Side Story on Sunday], probably my last free moment until November. At least September. If you're just as free and bored as I surely will be, you should give me a ring and we'll hang or something. I don't know.

-August 12th, five county marching bands are going to be participating at the Sun State Ford band competition. First, second, and third place are all awarded some kind of cash sum, but we get extra money for the most band support.
Please, please, please, please, pleaseeeeee. If you can, show up to support the OHS marching band [I'll give directions if necessary to the car dealership]. We could /really/ use the money [and I'm not just saying this because it might end up going towards percussion equipment..;D] and it'll be a really fun day. I'm not really /with/ the band, just showing up to rally, so we'll hang out and all that jazz. I'd love you forever if you could help us out. <3



Not so upset anymore.
Allison and I started a 'first best friends' club.
It's kind of like the 'first wives club'.
Except I've never seen that movie.


I think I'm crazy.
I really do. 8D


]]> ~SarcasticxPoetess http://SarcasticxPoetess.deviantart.com/journal/9468226/ http://SarcasticxPoetess.deviantart.com/journal/9468226/ Sun, 23 Jul 2006 13:18:18 PDT

I know, I often forget,
To say that I love you.
And yes, I truly regret,
The times that I might have hurt you that way.
It's not that I don't care,
You should know me better by now...

I am sorry if I made you lonely and sad,
I am sorry I made you feel bad.
What I'm trying to say,
I'm not always that way,
So love me for all that I am.



Love that song. <3

I'm feeling a lot better. I have a regular appetite and I haven't cried for like. A week. o_o;
Sometimes, there's the slight feeling of something amiss, but I guess that's to be expected when you're not sure of what's really going on...

Don't get me wrong.
Things aren't perfect.
But I can deal with that.



AFO is a week from yesterday.
I have no money for that AND school clothes.
...dadddyyyyyy? D:


Um, not much else to say about that.
Here, another one of those quiz things.


01. I miss somebody right now
02. I don’t watch much TV these days
03. I love olives
04. I love sleeping [Sometimes. Most of the time I try to avoid it.]
05. I own lots of books [I had to get rid of a ton of mine]
06. I wear glasses or contact lenses
07. I love to play video games
08. I’ve tried marijuana
09. I’ve watched porn movies
10. I have been in a threesome
11. I have been the psycho-ex in a past relationship
12. I believe honesty is usually the best policy [always.]
13. I have acne free skin
14. I like and respect Al Sharpton [who?]
15. I curse frequently
16. I have changed a lot mentally over the last year
17. I have a hobby
18. I’ve been told I: (women) have an applebottom, (men) am packing.
19. I carry my knife/razor everywhere with me
20. I’m really, really smart [at least, I've been told so]
21. I've never broken someone's bones
22. I have a secret that I am ashamed to reveal
23. I hate the rain
24. I’m paranoid at times [a lot of times.]
25. I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free [not sure about this one]
26. I need money right now
27. I love Sushi
28. I talk really, really fast
29. I have fresh breath in the morning
30. I have semi-long hair [I want it longer D:]
31. I have lost money in Las Vegas
32. I have at least one brother and/or one sister
33. I was born in a country outside of the U.S.
34. I shave my legs (females) or face (males) on a regular basis
35. I have a twin
36. I have worn fake hair/fingernails/eyelashes in the past
37. I couldn’t survive without Caller I.D.
38. I like the way that I look sometimes [sometimes]
39. I have lied to a good friend in the last 6 months [I can't remember if I have or not, but I probably have. Sorry times ten.]
40. I know how to cornrow
41. I am usually pessimistic
42. I have a lot of mood swings
43. I think prostitution should be legalized
44. I think Britney Spears is hot
45. I have cheated on a significant other in the past
46. I have a hidden talent
47. I’m always hyper no matter how much sugar I have
48. I think that I’m popular
49. I am currently single
50. I have kissed someone of the same sex
51. I enjoy talking on the phone
52. I practically live in sweatpants or PJ pants only 'cause I can't be naked when the roommates are home
53. I love to shop
54. I would rather shop than eat
55. I would classify myself as ghetto
56. I’m bourgie and have worn a sweater tied around my shoulders
57. I’m obsessed with my Xanga or Livejournal [I'm obsessed with blogging, but not on my xanga or livejournal, although I have both]
58. I don’t hate anyone. I dislike them.
59. I’m a pretty good dancer
60. I don’t think Mike Tyson raped Desiree Washington [...wtf?]
61. I’m completely embarrassed to be seen with my mother
62. I have a cell phone
63. I believe in God [believe it or not]
64. I watch MTV on a daily basis
65. I have passed out drunk in the past 6 months
66. I love drama
67. I have never been in a real relationship before. If real means "serious" anyway.
68. I’ve rejected someone before
69. I currently have a crush on someone
70. I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life
71. I want to have children in the future [I t... ]]> ~SarcasticxPoetess http://SarcasticxPoetess.deviantart.com/journal/9457663/ http://SarcasticxPoetess.deviantart.com/journal/9457663/ Sat, 22 Jul 2006 11:46:58 PDT

I thought: that things would end.
I am not: ever going to be anything more than second best.
I hurt: like hell.
I love: what used to be.
I hate: the way you're turning out to be just like him.
I fear: that things will never be the same.
I hope: I haven't ruined everything.
I crave: the feeling that everything's okay.
I regret: the way I've said things.
I cry: mostly because of you.
I care: more than people realize.
I always: am reminded of you.
I long: to be first.
I feel alone: when surrounded by people.
I listen: when you let me.
I hide: behind a wall.
I drive: myself insane.
I sing: when I cry [it sounds awful].
I dance: when I'm happy [or making fun of Danielle].
I write: to get attention.
I breathe: even when it hurts.
I play: around with my own emotions.
I miss: feeling comfortable with myself.
I search: for some kind of meaning.
I learn: from my mistakes, but make them again anyway.
I feel: really confused.
I know: that something's amiss.
I say: everything I shouldn't.
I succeed: when I try.
I fail: at words.
I dream: of things that frighten me.
I wonder: what the hell's going on in people's minds.
I want: to be loved.
I worry: that I'm not normal.
I wish: someone could explain what's going on.
I have: the feeling I'm not really myself right now.
I gave: up everything I was just to feel a little more alive.
I fight: to get my points across.
I need: to be taken back to the start.


"And the truth is, we hide so we can be found, we walk away to see who will follow,we cry to see who will wipe away our tears and we get our hearts broken to see who will come and fix them."


^ All stolen from without her permission.
But, I'm her pretend girlfriend, so I get dibs.
[stop being so deep, bitch].



hi.
Today is Saturday.
It's a little bit better than Friday.
A lot better than Thursday.

I'm hungry.
JESSICA GETS ONE POINT.

]]> ~SarcasticxPoetess http://SarcasticxPoetess.deviantart.com/journal/9453094/ http://SarcasticxPoetess.deviantart.com/journal/9453094/ Fri, 21 Jul 2006 22:19:32 PDT

The rain falls on your days,
Giving you a reason for mysterious ways.
Behind doors the darkness falls,
You pour a cup of coffee, and get talking walls.

But you can blame it on me,
And the person you thought I wanted you to be.
But don´t you blame it on love,
'Cause you will regret it then, and from now on.


[it's kind of sad when someone you thought you knew becomes exactly like someone you used to know.]


Happy two year deviantart birthday to Kaoru!

Thankyouthankyouthankyou.
For the support I've gotten, the friends I've made, and the improvement on my work I'd like to think I've achieved.

Here's to hoping my head clears sooner or later so I can write some kind of actual poem.


<3
Kaoru
]]> ~SarcasticxPoetess http://SarcasticxPoetess.deviantart.com/journal/9451420/ http://SarcasticxPoetess.deviantart.com/journal/9451420/ Fri, 21 Jul 2006 18:50:34 PDT

I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house,
That don't bother me.
I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out;
I'm not afraid to cry.
Every once in a while, even though going on with you gone still upsets me...
There are days,
Every now and again I pretend I'm okay.
But that's not what gets me





It's funny how days that seem so good are so hollow in meaning.



Pre-Drill/Band Camp was actually decent today. I got to work on an exercise [college level u.u] that I actually need work on, and we did a bit more of the aura thing... I read on what mine is supposed to be. it's oddly quite realistic [and different in the book than on the internet]. I think it explains a lot of my inner conflicts and why they occur.

We all got along pretty well, too, and there were a lot of jokes thrown around, which made me sort of happy.


Then, and I went to the mall. I bought a jacket that looks exactly like one I already have, but it's in white. After a lot of random nonsense talking [the best kind], we saw her friend . She's pretty neat. <3

We hung out, I saw a bunch of people but said hello to very few of them.

Then, I came home.


Don't ask me how I feel right now.
You'd most likely get some kind of answer that wouldn't make sense and probably would contain some kind of random Spanish.

I never thought I'd like Rascal Flatts, but this song is really pretty, Shadow, you were right.

I think this feeling is dread. Dread and fright.
I think. But I don't think.
I think that much is obvious.



What hurts the most...
Was being so close,
And having so much to say.
And watching you walk away,
Never knowing what could have been.
And not seeing that loving you,
Is what I was trying to do.

]]> ~SarcasticxPoetess http://SarcasticxPoetess.deviantart.com/journal/9441340/ http://SarcasticxPoetess.deviantart.com/journal/9441340/ Thu, 20 Jul 2006 19:46:08 PDT


And I'll always look in through your glasses,
But all I could see, is the spector of me reflected.
The empty shell of me, the empty shell of me.

What could you possibly love in me?
Is it the way I wear my smile?
It hangs from the tip of my tongue you see, oh this might take awhile.





Sometimes I wish I made people as happy as they make me.
I wish I had something to say that was worth their time.

[it's times like these I think about him and how I'm never going to be good enough]


Mer.
I should just do what everyone wants me to do and take a vow of silence.
It'd make some people happy. It wouldn't please me very much, but hell, it's better than thinking I'm boring.

Which I am.

But couldn't you pretend I'm something special?



PS. Ironically, my phone is back in my possession.
Thank you for not being jerks. <3



PPS. Maria Mena, you are a lyrics genius.
Okay, nothing out of the ordinary.
But you make my feelings of emptiness have some kind of depth.



I love how I push the limits of my internet curfew to talk to people who don't have the slightest interest in speaking to me, for the most part.
Lovelovelovelovelove it. So much.

I'm going to bed before I become bitter.

On a happy note, I had pancakes for dinner. (:
]]> ~SarcasticxPoetess http://SarcasticxPoetess.deviantart.com/journal/9418991/ http://SarcasticxPoetess.deviantart.com/journal/9418991/ Tue, 18 Jul 2006 17:51:59 PDT
[ Where is the moment when we need it the most?
You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost. ]
They tell me your blue sky's faded to grey.
They tell me your passion's gone away.
And I don't need no carrying on.

You stand in the line just to hit a new low.
You're faking a smile with the coffee to go.
You tell me your life's been way off line;
You're falling to pieces every time.
And I don't need no carrying on.

'Cause you had a bad day,
You're taking one down.
You sing a sad song just to turn it around.
You say you don't know,
You tell me don't lie,
You work at a smile and you go for a ride.
You had a bad day,
The camera don't lie.
You're coming back down and you really don't mind,
You had a bad day.
You had a bad day...

Well, you need a blue sky holiday.
The point is they laugh at what you say.
And I don't need no carrying on...


^"Bad Day" - Daniel Powter


I haven't had a really good day in a while, and it's starting to bother me.
Good things have happened... I've laughed. I've smiled. I've seen friends.
But really, everything is becoming very meaningless to me. I don't like it.

I used to think my friends were my world...now I'd rather just be by myself for a long time.

There's really only one person that really makes me happy.
But they make me the most upset.

Yeah, can someone say fucked up crazy?


I can.




It's not that I don't love you guys... I don't know.
Maybe it's because I've been mostly only by myself or around a handful of people at a time, and now I'm surrounded by hundreds of strangers every day doing something I don't really find fun anymore. :/
I'll probably get over it eventually, once I get over the fact that I'm going to have and lose a lot of friends in my lifetime and perhaps the term "best friend" is meaningless.
[let me know just where I stand with you and let's get it over with]


Don't give me your pity. Don't give me your senseless comments about how you love me and all sorts of other stuff.
This is just a phase and I want you to treat it as such.


....I am a hypocrite in every fucking possible way.

PS:
Do not call my phone.
My mom has it until she repairs hers.
If I get it back and see that you've called/left a voicemail/sent me a text, I will slaughter you. End of story.
]]> ~SarcasticxPoetess http://SarcasticxPoetess.deviantart.com/journal/9370322/ http://SarcasticxPoetess.deviantart.com/journal/9370322/ Thu, 13 Jul 2006 23:08:39 PDT


there's so much on my mind, we're given so little time,
there's no way to hold on as it passes by.
so lead me into denial, help me forget for awhile
stay with me, please don't let go.




^Stay With Me [Unlikely] - Celldweller


That, my friends, is a FlashFlashRevolution track.
And not a bad song.
It's a good remedy.
I successfully used it to make me absolutely numb to everything.
...until my vision blurred and the arrows because a giant mess of rainbow.



Today has been a learning day.

I say that because it wasn't...a bad day.
It wasn't a good day.
But it was a reflection day.

I almost panicked, again.
I almost gave up, again.
But I remember things I'm told.
And if I pretend that I'm worth it.
And if I believe that everyone's intentions are good...
....then it's not so bad.
Unless I'm lulling myself into a false sense of security.


I really need to stop thinking about the end of my world.
Maybe I have more trust issues than I thought I did.



Meh, this is all too late to think about this.
Kaoru hopes everyone will feel better in the morning.
She loves you all.
<3333




though some say I will heal over time,
it doesn't seem too likely.
it seems unlikely...
please, don't let go.
]]> ~SarcasticxPoetess http://SarcasticxPoetess.deviantart.com/journal/9246919/ http://SarcasticxPoetess.deviantart.com/journal/9246919/ Sat, 01 Jul 2006 23:42:49 PDT



The phone slips from a loose grip.
Words were missed then, some apology.
I didn’t want to tell you this...
No, it’s just some guy she's been hanging out with,
I don’t know, the past couple weeks, I guess.
Well, thank you and hang up the phone,
Let the funeral start,
Hear the casket close.
Let’s pin split-black ribbon to your overcoat.
Well, laughter pours from under doors,
In this house, I don’t understand that sound no more,
It seems artificial, like a T.V. set.

Well, haligh, haligh, a lie, haligh.
This weight, it must be satisfied.
You offer only one reply:
You know not what you do.
But you tear and tear your hair from roots,
From that same head you have twice removed now,
A lock of hair you said would prove,
Our love would never die.
[ Well, ha ha ha... ]

I remember everything;
The words we spoke on freezing South Street,
And all those mornings watching you get ready for school.
You combed your hair inside that mirror,
The one you painted blue and glued with jewelry tears.
Something about those bright colors
Would always make you feel better.
But now we speak with ruined tongues,
And the words we say aren’t meant for anyone.
It’s just a mumbled sentence to a passing acquaintance...
But there was once you.

You said you hate my suffering,
And you understood,
And you’d take care of me.
You'd always be there,
Well, where are you now?

Haligh, haligh, a lie, haligh.
The plans were never finalized,
But left to hang like yarn and twine,
Dangling before my eyes.
As you tear and tear your hair from roots,
From that same head you have twice removed now,
A lock of hair you said would prove,
Our love would never die.

And I sing and sing of awful things,
The pleasure that my sadness brings,
As my fingers press onto the strings,
In yet another clumsy chord.
Haligh, haligh, an awful lie,
This weight will now be satisfied.
I'm gonna give you only one reply:
I know not who I am.

But I talk in the mirror,
To the stranger that appears.
Our conversations are circles,
Always one sided,
Nothing is clear.

Except we keep coming back,
To this meaning that I lack.
He says the choices were given,
Now you must live them,
Or just not live...
But do you want that?






^"Haligh, Haligh, A Lie, Haligh" - Bright Eyes.
Genius lyrics, no?




That could make up an entry in and of itself, but it's not good enough.
I'll just write whatever I feel like here, and if you don't like it, don't read it.
I don't care one way or another.



I'm sick and tired of stupid, little things that people do and say.
You know how those little things, they just keep adding and adding until you want to explode?
I'm on the verge of exploding.

I thought my sarcasm and my anger would be taken in and understood.
I think it's understood, I just don't think anyone gives a shit.
That's okay.

It's kind of sad to feel lonely when you're surrounded by friends...



The one thing I have to say I miss about school...
Is that I want my friends back.
I only had about three people that I actually hung out with.
But those people mean the world and more to me.



Hi.
This is Kaoru, trying not to say what's on her mind.
Because she can't be angry at people for too long.
And this is Kaoru, wondering why things can't just change a little bit.
It's compromise, compromise, compromise...


]]> ~SarcasticxPoetess http://SarcasticxPoetess.deviantart.com/journal/9214879/ http://SarcasticxPoetess.deviantart.com/journal/9214879/ Wed, 28 Jun 2006 21:06:26 PDT


i'm taking my heart and i'm setting me free,
and baby now you're just another song to me
and the edge of your sword isn't sharp enough
for me to bleed


Hm. Ironic, isn't it?
^_____________^



Today was a surprisingly good day for being so uneventful.

I woke up at eleven and just stared at the ceiling for like...three and a half hours. I think it was good for me, it got a lot of the negative energy out of my system, even though I wasn't really logically thinking of anything. But hell, if that's what it takes...

Then I woke up and I did my chores. I don't think my dad knows that I did chores. For shame, for shame.

Thennnn I spent a half hour reading. I've come to find I really enjoy reading a good book, it relaxes me and if I can get lost in it then I don't hurt as much.

I spent about three hours on my online class. Almost done, then I can get my permit, finally. Only five months late, whatever. xD It was kind of...well, it bothered me a bit, but I think I'm slowly.../slowly/ recovering. It sounds really silly, but it's true. I'm..growing up or whatever. I don't know. You'd kind have to know me to understand this and that's why it's all rather vague.

....hi.

Anyways, I got my letters from today.
I miss her. ;_;
A lot.
But hahaaaaa I get to write letters in CHARACTER.
Cheers to her being the only one to support my roleplay habits!
-holds up a glass expectantly-


Hm. My mother called today and it went well.
I have hope.
Sort of.
Yes. Hopehopehope.


Um.
I don't have as much hope in a few other areas.
You know, I like it when people keep their promises...
But luckily, thanks to this Lipton's green tea with citrus, I don't give much of a fuck.
This shit is good.
Really really good.
And I usually hate citrus teas.



Tomorrow is my last day of community service.
YES!



Much love from your pretty happy and not so lonely Kaoruface.<3


...sesshaismysunshineeee 8D
]]> ~SarcasticxPoetess http://SarcasticxPoetess.deviantart.com/journal/9174358/ http://SarcasticxPoetess.deviantart.com/journal/9174358/ Sun, 25 Jun 2006 00:35:43 PDT

what does it mean when something changes how it's always been?
and in your head you keep repeating the line
my mother is mine



Epiphany time.


I think, growing up, I was forced to learn, entirely before my time, that my parents were not people I could always rely on.

I miss that oblovious ignorance of my youth, though.
I want it back.
I'm regressing.
I want my parents to be my heros. I want them to be infallible.
I don't want to see what I've seen before.
I don't want to see what I saw today.
Never again.

I'm back to crying at night because this is not the way things should be.

But I will wait.
Because someday something has to give.
And someday, life might be perfect.




"I've done the damage, the damage is done.
I pray to God that I'm the damaged one.
In all these grown-up complications that you don't understand,
I hope you can, someday.
I hope you can."





]]> ~SarcasticxPoetess http://SarcasticxPoetess.deviantart.com/journal/9059685/ http://SarcasticxPoetess.deviantart.com/journal/9059685/ Tue, 13 Jun 2006 18:54:29 PDT
So basically. My friend and I are incredibly insane.
That's okay, though.
This was brought on by Dr. Pepper, huge black and pink fonts, and a roleplay. <3
is the funny one.
I'm just there.


darkxserendiPITY: once, there was a goat...
NOid0nthavea gun: ...-EYES GOT SO BIG-
NOid0nthavea gun: and this goat liked....to walk
darkxserendiPITY: and eat grass with his goat friends
NOid0nthavea gun: now, besides his goat friends, this goat had a human friend named...
NOid0nthavea gun: ..HAVEK.
NOid0nthavea gun: havek liked to walk his goat
darkxserendiPITY: he liked to enjoy his goat very much
darkxserendiPITY: .....i mean
darkxserendiPITY: he enjoyed walking his goat very much
NOid0nthavea gun: AHAHAHAHAHAH
darkxserendiPITY: simple mistake.
NOid0nthavea gun: he and his goat walked many a mile together\
NOid0nthavea gun: eating grass
NOid0nthavea gun: ...the goat that is. not havek
darkxserendiPITY: AHAHAHAHA
NOid0nthavea gun: ABAHAHAHA
darkxserendiPITY: and on one of their journeys
darkxserendiPITY: which usually involved pirates and a sneaky weasel
NOid0nthavea gun: and many sponges
darkxserendiPITY: they met this girl whose name was....Roxanne. But Roxy for short because Roxanne sounds stuffy.
darkxserendiPITY: and she had a love/hate relationship with sponges
NOid0nthavea gun: or like an old fat woman on tv
darkxserendiPITY: that's Rosanne
NOid0nthavea gun: but the sponges were sad becuase they LOOOOVEEDDD them some roxy
NOid0nthavea gun: ...simple mistake.
NOid0nthavea gun: it's got an anne innit doesntit!?
darkxserendiPITY: YES IT DOES
darkxserendiPITY: so anyway
NOid0nthavea gun: GOD YOURE ALWAYS BRINGING ME DOWN
NOid0nthavea gun: WHY YOU -- yeah anyway
darkxserendiPITY: ....WHY YOU AGGRESS ME?!
NOid0nthavea gun: AHAHAHGDGHSADGSAJ
darkxserendiPITY: ahem. anyways.
NOid0nthavea gun: yes anyway
darkxserendiPITY: one day, while taking a break from an adventure at a riverbank...
darkxserendiPITY: roxy decided it'd be a good idea to go to a waterpark because rivers are boring
darkxserendiPITY: but goats cannot go into waterparks
NOid0nthavea gun: and havek was very distraught by this turn of events
darkxserendiPITY: [i would be, too, man]
NOid0nthavea gun: he loved his goat. and although he loved roxy very much him an dhis goat...they was brothas from anotha mothas man
NOid0nthavea gun: representin'
darkxserendiPITY: and roxy was sad. ;;
darkxserendiPITY: so were the sponges
NOid0nthavea gun: and havek was sad ;;
NOid0nthavea gun: ands the goat. he ate grass
darkxserendiPITY: who enjoyed a casual trip to the waterpark every once in a while
NOid0nthavea gun: cos we all know goats have no emotions
NOid0nthavea gun: (..-dying inside-)
darkxserendiPITY: and roxy decided
darkxserendiPITY: "screw waterparks"
darkxserendiPITY: and the sponges all were like
darkxserendiPITY: "thatreallymeansscrewhavek BUT ANYWAY"
darkxserendiPITY: [ -is also pretty much amused- xD]
NOid0nthavea gun: (XD -DIES-)
NOid0nthavea gun: and havek was blissfully unaware of this!
NOid0nthavea gun: because he was busy riding his goat.
NOid0nthavea gun: in a non sexual, non beastality type of way
NOid0nthavea gun: just good ol, family friendly, man on goat action
NOid0nthavea gun: ..still not the sexual kind
darkxserendiPITY: [....riiiight]
NOid0nthavea gun: (...dont question havek's relationship with the goat)
darkxserendiPITY: and roxy was pretty jealous
darkxserendiPITY: when all of a sudden who should appear but
NOid0nthavea gun: JESUS!?
darkxserendiPITY: the actual Davey Havok.

....with Jesus reincarnated into his hair.
darkxserendiPITY: So yes, Jesus.
NOid0nthavea gun: ...close enough.
darkxserendiPITY: And Mr. Havok said
NOid0nthavea gun: and Havek was pretty amazed.
darkxserendiPITY: "WHERE IS MY IDENTITY?!"
NOid0nthavea gun: ..and sessha sloooowwly hid havek behind her back
NOid0nthavea gun: and she said
NOid0nthavea gun: "...-gurgly noises-"
darkxserendiPITY: ...and roxy began clinging to his legs.
darkxserendiPITY: And Kaoru got all upset and started petting his hair.
darkxserendiPITY: And even the goat seemed to like to rub against Davey Havok, too.
NOid0nthavea gun: and sessha was kind of jealous cos
NOid0nthavea gun: cos you know
NOid0nthavea gun: she loves havok
NOid0nthavea gun: a lot
NOid0nthavea gun: and she was torn between... ]]> ~SarcasticxPoetess