http://search.deviantart.com/?q=by:Selus&section=today deviantART RSS for by:Selus en-us Copyright 2009, deviantART.com Mon, 21 Dec 2009 11:40:31 PST deviantART.com http://blogs.law.harvard.edu/tech/rss http://s.deviantart.com/minish/widgets/apple-touch-icon-precomposed.png http://Selus.deviantart.com/journal/20186765/ http://Selus.deviantart.com/journal/20186765/ Wed, 27 Aug 2008 15:18:31 PDT
Well it's not! Not Funny!
Instrument of Evil standing there in the corner with drawers hanging out due to broken rails! (that are plastic - what were you thinking, you idiot, who invented that?!). Lurking in the shadows, unmovable massive useles creation of a mad carpenter! May you be damned! I do regret the very moment I thought I could fix you!

So I went to Woodies DIY and bought sandpaper, screws, carpenters glue and a small hand saw. I asked my friend to cut for me a few pieces of wood so I could replace the useless plastic rails and make the drawers usable again. All that took a while, day by day my clothes started to pile up higher and higher, since I no longer was able to put them in the drawers were they belonged.

I was determined to get it all fixed as soon as possible. I spent one afternoon measuring the chest and the drawers and it became apparent that my battens of wood are to long. I took the time to cut each and every one of the 12 pieces cut o size and sanded. I drilled holes in the wooden pieces to prepare them for the screwes with a drill that weighed way to much for my fragile hands.

On the second afternoon I removed the plastic rails from the chest of drawers and got the screws, the wooden battens and the glue ready. I applied the glue on the first one, pushed it in place... and it fell off. I pushed it in again with one hand, with the second hand I reached for the screw, with the third hand for a screwdriver, with fourth...
I somehow managed to screw the first screw in... partially. The screws were to long.

Silly me. Why oh why I dared to think it will all work at the fist time?!

On the third afternoon I went to Woodies again and bough shorter screws. Went home. Screwed the wooden splinters in, just two, for the first drawer, I wanted to see it working again.

It didn't fit.

I'm seious, it didn't fit, the damned battens were to wide.

I'm calm now, but you should've see me then. I almost broke my foot on the bloody thing. Yes, of course I was kicking it.

I unscrewed the battens and went to cut off 2-3 mm of each of the battens. I managed to deal with four of them. I broke three. I cut my fingers. Don't get me wrong, I'm really good at these things, thanks to my mad family - but did you ever try to cut off 2 mm of a piece of wood 10 mm by 10 mm 250 mm in lenght? That means trying to split a very narrow rather long thing into two pieces of 7x10x250 mm and 2x10x250 mm.

So, hours later, I had 9 battens of which 4 rather narrow and rather uneven and in hope it will do I went to screw them in again. It didn't do.

The level of my frustration can be only expressed with a loud AAAARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!!!

You Demons from Hell who sent this blody item towards me. May I get my splinter ridden hands on you and I promise to you that I will go to hell just to cut you in tiny 10x7x250mm pieces with a handsaw no matter how long it will take! The damned thing! Not only it can't be fixed. It can't be easily removed. I will exorcise it and burn it on stake! I will grab a massive axe and put it to pieces!

You DIY fans! You people who think you can fix things! I warn you! The moment you think for just a oment that you will not succeed and you will fail - you're right! Ge yourself a cup of tea and watch some TV, unless you want to end up like me.

Now, 3 afternoons later, 20 euro poorer, sweaty, tired and beaten up I give up. I will argos a new chest of drawers. I have no monies, but that's what I'll do. And I will burn the damned chest of drawers from hell. At least we will have a nice fire.

May may, I do feel better now, after getting all this emotion out of me. ]]> ~Selus http://Selus.deviantart.com/journal/19912785/ http://Selus.deviantart.com/journal/19912785/ Tue, 12 Aug 2008 09:23:11 PDT - Rick Polito

This is this morning's quote of the day and has left me a little bit weirded out.

I thought I would share this feeling with you, fellow deviants.

Are you weirded out yet?

]]> ~Selus http://Selus.deviantart.com/journal/18621916/ http://Selus.deviantart.com/journal/18621916/ Mon, 02 Jun 2008 06:07:51 PDT _______________________________________________________________
Francis Cabrel "C'éTait L'hive"

Elle disait: "j'ai déjà trop marché,
mon cœur est déjà trop lourd de secrets,
trop lourd de peines".
Elle disait: "je ne continue plus,
ce qui m'attend, je l'ai déjà vécu,
c'est plus la peine".

Elle disait que vivre était cruel,
Elle ne croyait plus au soleil,
Ni aux silences des églises.
Même mes sourires lui faisaient peur,
C'était l'hiver dans le fond de son cœur.

Le vent n'a jamais été plus froid,
La pluie plus violente que ce soir-là,
Le soir de ses vingt ans,
Le soir où elle a éteint le feu,
Derrière la façade de ses yeux,
Dans un éclair blanc.

Elle a sûrement rejoint le ciel,
Elle brille à côté du soleil,
Comme les nouvelles églises.
Mais si depuis ce soir-là je pleure,
C'est qu'il fait froid
Dans le fond de mon cœur.
______________________________________________________________
Translation:

She said: "Allready I walked too long,
allready my heart is too heavy with secrets,
too heavy with pain."
She said: "I can't go on anymore.
That what awaits me, I have allready lived [through]
It doesn't matter anymore."

She said (that) living was cruel
She didn't believe in the sun anymore
nor in the silence of the churches.
Even my smiles scared her
It was winter at the bottom of her heart


Even the wind has never been colder
[or] the rain more violent then that evening
The evening of her 20th birthday
That evening when she put out the fire
behind the windows of her eyes
in a white flash

She must have gone to heaven
She is shining next to the sun
Like the new churches
But if since that day I have cried
It's because the bottom of my heart is cold
______________________________________________________________

Outside, it is a lovely sunny day. Yesterday I saw Gardai singing and went to see an uplifting movie, so I am ok for now... but voices in my head still sing.

And sing

and sing.

]]> ~Selus http://Selus.deviantart.com/journal/18597131/ http://Selus.deviantart.com/journal/18597131/ Sat, 31 May 2008 17:04:22 PDT
Well, it was my beloved Minolta Bruno and Me. We saw interesting things in the water and I tried to be more of a paparazzi (a sort of Italian linoleum), but I have failed, the object managed to conceal himself.

Still, well, Minolta and I liked some of the pictures, so there you go.

]]> ~Selus http://Selus.deviantart.com/journal/18554346/ http://Selus.deviantart.com/journal/18554346/ Thu, 29 May 2008 03:48:34 PDT
A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, "Excuthe me, do you have any widdle wabbits?"

The shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets fown on his knees so that he's on her level, and says,"Do you want and widdle white wavvit ot a thoft fluffy bwack wabbit, or one like that widdle bwown wabbit over there?"

The little girl blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and whispers..."I don't weally fink my pyfon gives a phuk."

...


My pyfon doesn't give a phuk.

]]> ~Selus http://Selus.deviantart.com/journal/18505155/ http://Selus.deviantart.com/journal/18505155/ Mon, 26 May 2008 05:00:30 PDT
I haven't seen her for a few days after that and you should see those days, as dark and gloomy they were, with clouds hanging low with a promise of rain never fulfilled. I spent the evenings cuddled up on a sofa with a cup of tea reading about her - there were instructions in many languages of how she would like to be treated. i shivered each time I read them - she is more sophisticated than a space shuttle, I thought.

Then the time has come when the sun came out and she called me again. Dressed all in black she silently sat still on the sofa just beside me. I undressed her and softly touched her silver skin. I prepared the meal for her a day before and I fed it to her slowly, piece by piece. Her eyes lit in happines, she blinked to me and I couldn't keep myself from smiling. We went out together and we went to a pub for a glass of wine.

I put on contact lenses to be able to connect with her with my eyes - her eyes were beautiful and soon I discovered that she sees the world the way i see it. This reassured me that together we will be able to show to the others the world of shiny light, bright colours and marvel that we see - already at this stage i knew that there was nothing that could stand between us.

Heavy rain started to fall while we were on the way back home so it was a pleasure to take a hot shower and go to bed early. That night she stayed with me and she lied beside me on the bed when I was falling asleep. I could hear her faint wisper: "let's go out," she said to me," let's smell the wet air, feel the wind on our faces, take pictures of the wet blue cars in the dark and drops of rain on leaves of trees bent by the wind. Let's be captured by the reflection of the lights on the wet road and the dark sky above."

We didn't go out that very night and i knew we wouldn't for a many nights to come, but in this very moment, I knew - she was the one.

My beloved Minolta Dimage 7.

]]> ~Selus http://Selus.deviantart.com/journal/18292429/ http://Selus.deviantart.com/journal/18292429/ Mon, 12 May 2008 16:09:53 PDT
Some of us have seen it coming. We couldn't do anything about it. There was no other way.

I'm back. I'm here again. I have been brought back by the little voices in my head.
They tell me: YOU REALLY SHOULD... < please fill in one of below >

~give up the job
~pursue another, more artistic carrier
~smoke less
~drink less
~worry less
~spend less
~pay off the credit card
~earn more
~kill your boss
~write a book
~other (please elaborate)

The voices have also told me that I'm going to Madrid, sailing, mad, none of above, all of above, some of above.

My friend tells me that I'm going to be a great writer one day.
My boyfriend tells me that I'm going to be rich and famous by the age of 25.
Myself tells me that I'm going to be very confused very very soon and if I don't go to sleep just about now I will be late for the bus again and I will have to run to work and I won't have enough time to grab an Insomnia tall latte that I'm addicted to and I will be very sleepy whole day and two euro and eighty cents richer. There may be other consequences, too, but my brain has died and I can't see further than 11am in the morning tomorrow.

"Starry, starry night.
Flaming flowers that brightly blaze,
Swirling clouds in violet haze,
Reflect in Vincent's eyes of china blue.
Colors changing hue, morning field of amber grain,
Weathered faces lined in pain,
Are soothed beneath the artist's loving hand. "

Good Night.
Voices tell me I should go to sleep.

]]> ~Selus http://Selus.deviantart.com/journal/10357304/ http://Selus.deviantart.com/journal/10357304/ Wed, 11 Oct 2006 10:53:58 PDT
She has been invited to her sisters weeding wich is going to occur Saturday 14th.

She's going to see her whole family and hopefully most of her friends.

She is promissing not to get drunk to much.

]]> ~Selus http://Selus.deviantart.com/journal/9734500/ http://Selus.deviantart.com/journal/9734500/ Tue, 15 Aug 2006 08:48:48 PDT
Primo, the reason for all the joy~!
B. came back to me!
Oh joy!
And he loves me enough to get over my mistake.
And life is full of colours!
It's not so stable now, we haven't seen eachother for quite a while, so I will know For Sure that our relationship will survive in last week of August. Hope is there. It's not a little light of hope. It's full of neons Las Vegas of hope.
Oh joy!

The girl who got my job didn't like it and told her new teamleader that she's coming back to her previous job. And she doesn't want to work for him at all. HA HA HA! and what now, asholes? Gotta get a new girl, and damn, it's not going to be me.

I kinda hope, anyway, that they will ask me to take it once again.
Why? Just to ask them if they're going to say I'm not suitable in next month? And to tell them how unprofessional their behaviour is. And to tell them to go and fuck themselves. Oh, just give me this oportunity!

So life seems a little bit brighter, even though the sarcastic part of me woke up and my sarcastic part of brain took over the rest, so I tend to make laugh of everything. In very cruel way.

I knew things will turn out well for me.

Oh joy! ]]> ~Selus http://Selus.deviantart.com/journal/9659179/ http://Selus.deviantart.com/journal/9659179/ Wed, 09 Aug 2006 04:35:23 PDT Overdosed on sentiment and pride
I'm losing on the swings
I'm losing on the roundabouts, roundabouts, the game is over..."

(Marillion, Script for a Jester's Tear)

I screwed up. Everything went to pieces.

Really. I look at myself and I see, that all that keeps me alive is naive hope, that it can't get any worse, so it has to get better.

Love of my life just left me. Mea culpa. I went on the party, got incredibly drunk (I still don't know how could it happen) and slept with one of my friends from work. It wasn't innocent sleep let's say. I don't know how did it happen. I don't know what pushed me into that.

So unbelievably stupid.

Next morning I called love of my life, who was in France for a 2-month-long buisness trip. I've told him what happened, ofcourse I did, I would never lie to him no matter how much it hurts.

My friends say it was even more stupid than cheating on him.

Love of my life now hates me. Hates the guy who I slept with. Will never touch me again, even with a 2 meter stick. Will never trust me again. Will not be my friend. Will change my life into hell, just to make me pay for what I've done.

Great. What happened with 'if he loves you he will forgive you' thingy?

On top of that I was supposed to get a promotion. My teamleader came to me one day and she said that there's position for me in other team and they would like me to start as soon as possible work there. I've just been waiting for a replacement for me.

A day before I went on holidays I had a meeting on which I've been told that I can forget about the new position for a veeery long time, as I got negative feedback from some techs and they're concerned about my teamwork. Or rather about lack of it.

How unfair! Anybody who knows me would say I have better contact with techs than any member of my team. And I'm the best. And fast. And everybody loves me.

Or maybe they all lie and say things behind my back.

So I went for holidays. The plan was to go to Nice to get my love of my life back or at least speak to him face to face to tell him what really happened. And tell him how much I love him. Etc. I got a phonecall few minutes from my flight - he's not in Nice. He misses me, but we can't be together anymore. He won't meet me until he's back. 25th of August. Ta da! all work for nothing.

I spent some time in Nice, quite nice holidays, can't complain. Very lonely though, as I dn't speak French very well. First day at work and what do I hear? The position to which I was supposed to be promoted to has been taken by one of my team members, a girl, who sits just next to me.

I even used to like her. And talk to her. And have fun. Until now.

And on top of that my family got into pieces again. Everybody is somewhere else. I don't think it's possible now, to get more than 3 members of it in one place. We're just spread evenly all over Europe.

I feel very very lonely and very abandoned, underestimated and poor.

I want to die. i just got news from Blood Donation clinic that I'm perfectly healty and they want my blood. Go on! take it all.

You know, one day you just reach the bottom.
If that day you hear knocking from below - that's me.

Rest in Pieces. Just sing a little requiem for me. ]]> ~Selus http://Selus.deviantart.com/journal/9407185/ http://Selus.deviantart.com/journal/9407185/ Mon, 17 Jul 2006 15:33:04 PDT
Dobra.
To tak to jest.
Jestem kobieta sukcesu i wszystko czego sie dotkne mi sie udaje.
Natomiast.
Moj mezczyzna jest ode mnie 2000 km, jest nie do konca tak bardzo moj jak bym chciala i to juz trzy tygodnie jak go nie ma i jeszcze jakies 3-4 przede mna.
Czesc rodziny mi umiera, czesc gloduje, czesc ryczy, czesc planuje przyszle zycie z miernym skutkiem, czesc to wszystko gowno obchodzi.
Jakichs przyjaciol kiedys mialam. Jakas jedna bliska kobiete mojego zycia. Nie odbiera telefonow od kiedy ma nowego faceta. Inni przyjaciele stwierdzili ze wiadomo, chlopak skurwysyn a potem sami znikneli i przestali sie odzywac.
Cos za cos, mowia.

Upilam sie w zeszly piatek na czesc tego. Na czesc wszystkich co zostawiaja rzeczy watpliwej jakosci za soba dla rzeczy jakosci jeszcze watpliwszej. I bylo dreptanie boso po ulicach Dublina o 3 nad ranem i wrzaca krew ktorej nie ma na kogo wylac, pochowali sie wszyscy bliscy. I tylko jakies przygodne maskotki.

Zastanawiam sie czasem z wyzyn mojego sukcesu czy jestem szczesliwa, ale nie za czesto, bo praca czeka. szkoda ze pozniej trzeba wyjsc z pracy i spedzic wieczor samotnie, bo w ciagu tygodnia to nawet przygodnych maskotek nie ma i nie ma z kim pic.

Pozalowania godne. ]]> ~Selus http://Selus.deviantart.com/journal/8146099/ http://Selus.deviantart.com/journal/8146099/ Mon, 13 Mar 2006 05:25:59 PST
He says he could marry me right now.

I'm in love.

He's 22 years older than me and could be my father.

I don't think I mind that. I never met anyone like him before. Nobody ever made me react like this. Nobody ever treated me like this. Nobody ever guessed so much about me, so didn't have to tell him.

I'm madly in love.

Save me, save me, my soul is at stake...! ]]> ~Selus http://Selus.deviantart.com/journal/7191687/ http://Selus.deviantart.com/journal/7191687/ Thu, 01 Dec 2005 05:25:14 PST
OMG!!! OMFG!!! JFCH!*

From next monday I'm going to be official Dell Computers Employee. Yay!

Karol's coming from Poland to spend Christmas with me. True True FRIEND!!! Yay!

I'm finishig my very very mixed media stuff. I still have no scaner, but hey, I'll be working for Dell, so they will definetly have at least one... Yay!

Other news:

~Oh I showed I'm worth something, my step father will die of jelousy, because I HAVE A JOB AND HE'S WORTHLESS!!!
~I tawt I taw a pussy tat.
~Chistmassssss commmingg... omg, I bought for my mum a candle that is half of meter high and has a 10 cm radius. It costed me 85 euro. CRAZY.
~I bought for my sister lovely lovely sweter.
~I bought for myself french manicure set but I don't have enough time to use it.
~I finally got letters from my family! And Friends! I love you people! I love you!
~I saw an evil doughnut.
~I'm drinking loads of tea. Lady Gray I'm addicted.
~I'm still looking for a room, but now in Killiney. Hard work, honestly.
~I looooveeee Finest Tesco Triple Chocolate COOOOOOKIESSSS! I'm addicted.
~Will someone mercyfully hug me?
~Ich habe alles vergessen.
~Musze sobie przypomnieć niemiecki.
~Hilfe!
~Ok. My Solanum is dying, because I'm forgetting to water her. Shame on me.
~I have a new cellphone. !!! I love it! I can put it in my pocket and it still working when I take it out! XD
~I'm so excited. I'm going to work for Dell! AAAA Lovely!
~I bought Baldurs Gate. I'm addicted.
~I'm lovely! I'm pretty! I'm inteligent! I'm going to work for Dell!
~I need to reboot my mind.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~rebooting~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~I miss you all people. I miss my family. Sister! Brother! WOŁECZEK!!! ;(


---end of transmition.



________________________________________ _______________________
*JFCH - Jesus Fuckin' Christ! ]]> ~Selus http://Selus.deviantart.com/journal/6799965/ http://Selus.deviantart.com/journal/6799965/ Tue, 18 Oct 2005 10:34:08 PDT Summary of last week:

~stolen glasses of stella artois: 1
~stolen kisses from a barman from my job: uncountable
~money earned and put on my bank account: 392.64 euro
~tips earned: 230 euro.
~tips spent: 160 euro:
gifts: aprox.50 euro
self-upcheerers: aprox. 60 euro
smokes, beer and food: aprox. 50 euro

~rooms to share in Dun Laoghaire checked: 5
~letters and packages recieved: 0 (I hate you people! I was counting on you!)
~sudoku solved: 14
~hours of sleep: to many
~level of inconvenience (1-10): 7 and rising.
~level of sadness and loneliness: constant.
~number of missunderstandings:
at home: uncountable
at work: less than expected.

~current weight: 60 kg
~level of hope in better future (1-10): 4
~level of feeling forsaken: rising.
~new friends made: few
~solanum plants bought: 1 of 3 (planned)
`````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````


So this is it. Normal grey life that we hope will get a bit more colorful. And everyday we open our eyes telling ourselves that it's worth something, we go to work or something similar, we go out once or twice a week, we make friends, we go home.

Such a simple life I'm living now may bring short-term happiness and feeling of wellbeing, that dissapears quickly, when I discover that not everything is so simple and straight, and few thing between me and my friends are left unsaid. When I discover that people that surround me aren't so happy as I am. And I've done something wrong, not necessarily noticing what is wrong exactly and now my friend stopped to talk to me, without making clear where lies the problem.

I'm hunting for simpler and more joyful life. It sound selfish, but now I can't make myself live in a place where I'm not happy. Since I felt a breeze of independence I started finally to live my life my way and I decided to remove from it every single thing, that feels uncomfortable of wrong, or ruins the balance of my satisfaction and happines. Everything.

I'm moving out from my friends house. I'm starting to live on my own with, finally, people I chose. I. There are many "I"s in this entry, but that's the way it's going to be. I belive that we cannot make any influence on this world before we make our lives the way we want them. Then we can share with our joy and happiness with others... Or maybe I'm misstaken again? ]]> ~Selus http://Selus.deviantart.com/journal/6727008/ http://Selus.deviantart.com/journal/6727008/ Mon, 10 Oct 2005 04:51:11 PDT
I was destroyed. I would never hurt a kid, no matter what, but nobody listened to my explanations. So next thing I did on the following morning, after a night spent in my friends house: I wrote CV. I reistered myself in Social Wellfare Office and started to look for job.

It took me nearly a week to find one. It's been two weeks since I work as a waitress in Cafe Bar Mao in Dun Laoghaire... It's a hard work, but people are wornderful and I'm really enjoing it. They pay about 4 times more, than I was earning as an au-pair... I still live with my friends, but I'm looking for my own place to rent. I fell happy and a bit more independent again .

Finally I told my mum, that I lost my job and I have another one. She's in Poland, and I knew, that she would be very martwić worried about me, so I kept it secret. I told also few people from rest of my family: my dad, my lovely granny-aunt, my older sister, my younger sister. they live separetly, so I had to write 4 enormous long letters to do that. I have to rob a bank, just for post stamps.

I borrowed camera from my friend Tusiek and I'm taking photos in the neighbourhood, and few of them are allready submitted here on dA. I'm starrting to trully love this country. I'm happy, I fell appreciated and free as never before. Imagine, that I wanted to commit a sucide exactly a year ago! I'm so glad I never did this to myself!

I'm dropping smoking and I will try to change few more things in my life and make them better. I'm glad I have m friends to support me, those who are here, there and elswhere.

Love you dA, and all people who are here for me!
Love you Irish Post for bringing me letters from home!
Love you Mao Cafe Bar for new friends I made in work!

Life, my friends, can be really really good, if you know how to live it. ]]> ~Selus http://Selus.deviantart.com/journal/6465192/ http://Selus.deviantart.com/journal/6465192/ Sat, 10 Sep 2005 06:03:20 PDT .

It's a second week of working as Au-pair in Dublin. The family I live with is extrordinarly boring and normal. They brought being normal to extreme. Kids are like kids supposed to be - love watching tv and plaing (the girl Aofie, with barbie dolls, the boy, Maurice, with everything that includes a bit of violence), they hate doing their homework and usually don't care what their parents have to say. Parents are working 8 hours a day, reading newspapers and watching tv, no hobbys, no joy in freetime.

I'm living my life day by day trying to make kids do what they're supposed to do and cleaning the whole, rather big house. I'm glad I have my music and my sketchbook and couple of books, because I would die withot them. I'm trying not to smoke, because I'm not allowed to do this in this familly. I'm trying to loose some weight and I can't stop eating. I feel miserable sometimes, and bad, and lonely, and abused, though nothing really bad is happening. It's grey, grey, grey life.

Well, abuot my birthday: It was better than I thought it would be. all freinds I hoped would remember me in this, a bit special, day, rememberd. One phoned in the middle of the night to talk to me after few months of not seeing me, one bought me wonderful MP3 player and rechargable batteries with a charger, one sent me money, so I would buy myself something I dream about (and it was Winsor and Newton Viridian and Deep Red Ink). The family bought me beautiful silver and red watch, and it was very, very nice. They even let me sleep a bit longer, than usually (I have to wake up at 7:30 everyday except saturdays and sundays). I felt really, really good with myslef.

A moment of reflection: Birthdays are very funny thing. Today they are and tomorrow they are not.
I'm counting days to Christmas . ]]> ~Selus http://Selus.deviantart.com/journal/6303590/ http://Selus.deviantart.com/journal/6303590/ Tue, 23 Aug 2005 04:50:49 PDT

I packed myself two days ago. Then I had to unpack everything and pack it again in other way. Then I was told, that Ryanair has limitations for a baggage (15 kg). So I unpacked everything again and packed it in one bag only. To heavy again. Unpack, pack, unpack. Pack.

Finally I have only half an hour and i can't do this again, even if I wanted to. Ready, steady, flyyy!

I'm shitless scared. I can't eat. I couldn't sleep this night. I already miss my friends, family, my dog, my cat, my desk and my window. I'm smoking like a dragon. I'm swetting. I'm trying to eat my nails.

AAAA!!! Panic.

[ok. stay calm.]

Now... ALL HANDSOME IRISH BOYS BEWARE OF THE LOVELY SEL!!! ]]> ~Selus http://Selus.deviantart.com/journal/6139077/ http://Selus.deviantart.com/journal/6139077/ Fri, 05 Aug 2005 05:46:29 PDT
Well, the holidays of my life are begining to end. Just one more trip to Gdansk and then - packing, flying - welcome my beautiful green island! I would be happy citizen of Dublin (for a year).

I'm totally scared of perspective spending those hours in a plane, I have huge problems with packing (aaa! I don't have a siutcase!) I don't know how I'm going to pack everything into 20 kg, and I allready start to miss my friends, family, my dog and cat. I'm being haunted with thought, that those people I'm flying to will change their minds and I won't have a place to live.

Awww! And I started to smoke. I'm poisoning myself with nicotine just to stay calm. And I'm not calm at all, so I think it doesn't work, shame on me. My love of my life hates smokers, so we're arguing all the time now. Well, nobody will tel ME what should I do, will he?

I've lost my favourite 0.5 automatic pencil just after I bought new, BLUE faber-castell 0,5 leads. To make everything even worse, I have a huge pimple on the middle of my forehead, I'm allergic to my own cat and noticed my weight has changed again and now I have (again!) 4 kg to loose.

I hate fridays. Did I told you that?

PS. My friend just sold me another great news: son of his friends just lost his leg while he was mowing the lawn. The mower has cutted it of. Life is not just. ]]> ~Selus http://Selus.deviantart.com/journal/5965845/ http://Selus.deviantart.com/journal/5965845/ Mon, 18 Jul 2005 07:13:03 PDT
I suppose I need it in a way. I feel drained out from ideas, I havent sleeped well for a week and I have totall mess in my heart. Also, I'm full of guilt, because I'm not where I'm supposed to... I stopped picking up my phone, I don't answer on my gg messenger and I'm keeping touch only with people who are near my by now. I think that is very frustrating for many of my friends and relativies, but hey, I need some holidays, far far away.

["Let me take you far away
You'd like a holiday
Exchange the cold days for the sun
Good times and fun
Let me takes and fund
You'd like a holiday

Let me take you far away
You'd like a holiday
Exchange your troubles for some love
Wherever you are
Let me take you far away
You'd like a holiday" (Scorpions "Hoilday")]

I'm looking for myself again. I would like to be gone and neve come back. Right now I'll just light my smoke and drift away... for a minute of two. I have just 1 hour to my another escape...by bus this time

________________________________________ _____________

And now, for a "happy end" of this note:

A piece of rope came to a bar. It asked for a beer.
But the bartender said:
-Sorry, we don't serve ropes.
So it came to another bar and asked for a beer. And it heard again the same answer: sorry, we don't serve ropes. So it went another and anothr and another, but it couldn't get a beer. So it got really angry and came to an idea.
Before it entered another bar it knoted itself and freyed it's top.
She entered the bar and asked for a beer. The bartender asked:
-Excuse me, but aren't you a piece of rope?
-No, I'm a freyed knot.

enjoy
________________________________________ _____________ ]]> ~Selus http://Selus.deviantart.com/journal/5808078/ http://Selus.deviantart.com/journal/5808078/ Fri, 01 Jul 2005 02:41:59 PDT

I almost wanted to say "please, don't draw so much, and if you draw - don't submit" but it wouldn't be ok. Would I like somebody to tell me not to draw? Nay!

And about the Trip. I'm leaving Warsaw, leaving Poland, leaving all my friends and family and going to explore The Unknown. Precislely: Dublin, Irealnd . And what about that Beautiful dreams really can come true. I'll be back in June next year, isn't it wonderful news?

So, my friends and my beloved watchers, beware! Cause before I go, I'll submit a lot - I finally have a scaner (lovely beautiful canon :* )!

A moja droga reszto, bede was naklaniac na przejscie na droge LACZOHA. Wszyscy powinnismy wyznawac Laczoha, gdyz jest to powszechnie znany i wielbiony Ludzki Atrybut Czystej Zabawy Oraz Hardkoru (LACZOH). ikepasa! ]]> ~Selus http://Selus.deviantart.com/journal/4484842/ http://Selus.deviantart.com/journal/4484842/ Wed, 02 Feb 2005 23:56:15 PST
It's not it, that I don't know what would I like to write there. Problem is not even in language barrier... Te problem is, that I'm terribly ashamed of my own, ha, Shameful Gallery. I see my deviations and realize that I'm not even getting good enough, and the thought, that someone, who's a lot better than me will come here and see all this crap is unbearable. So, in most cases, I just don't leave a sign after my visit in "better deviant" gallery. Nobody has to know.

But on the other hand - sometimes i just have to write something, whatever it would be. And, when I can't resist this inner constraint and I comment, I feel even more and more ashamed, because I comment a deviant who made an impression on me... and of course I'd like to make an impression on him, but I'm not good enough. Circle's closed.

I think it's nothing unusuall. I suppose most of deviants here have similar thoughts and feelings. But what's new: I realized, that deviants who had an impession on me before aren't imperssing me this much anymore, and while I'm getting better in drawing I see less artists, who I can admire. Specially those, who aren't working on their skills are begining to be "usuall" for me, though I haven't reached their level yet.

Maybe, I thought, I just need to feel ashamed to get better. Maybe the reason I'm dissmising some artists from my personal panteon is that I have to chase someone better all the time. I don't whant to be the best - it wold mean the chase is over.

And it would mean my life can be over. ]]> ~Selus http://Selus.deviantart.com/journal/4271550/ http://Selus.deviantart.com/journal/4271550/ Sat, 08 Jan 2005 17:31:21 PST
Only thing I'm really addicted to, Is my freedom. I hate restricions. I hate people telling me what to do. And people, who think, that they know me better, than I do.

The thing, that hurts me most in this situation, is that me and my mother had never such problem before. She always was my best friend... but it seems that she's not trying to understand me anymore. I missed that very moment, when we've lost contact... Arrghhh!

I just realised, that I sound like one, lost teenage, whose parent's don't like her new friends and grounded her because she was late last sunday. Awful. Belive me, It's not that way. There's no sex, drugs and rock and roll here. I'm living simple and boring life... I don't understand my mothers attitude, because there's no reason for it. I've never gave her a reason.

I think it's psyhologically understandable. Somehow.

Hell, what can I do? Is there anything to do, when somebody has no respect for you and thinks of you as addicted to everything kid? Can talking in this situation change anything? I don't know. I just have no fucking idea. ]]> ~Selus http://Selus.deviantart.com/journal/4199575/ http://Selus.deviantart.com/journal/4199575/ Fri, 31 Dec 2004 06:23:01 PST
My friends - if I can still call them this way - has forgotten about me the same way my family did on Christmas. No phonecalls, no emails... My family is 400km away from me now. My boyfriend realized, that he prefer spending this night in front of his computer, than with me (sic!).
I will spend this lovely day with my cat and leftovers of vodka after latest party. I will try very hard to get drunk and forget. Then, I will stay awake whole night and I will play some stupid game, like Diablo II LOD for example. Finally I will lie down about 7 am with my cat... and sleep.

The only wish i have now, is to never wake up. Not ever. ]]> ~Selus http://Selus.deviantart.com/journal/3932583/ http://Selus.deviantart.com/journal/3932583/ Sat, 27 Nov 2004 15:07:27 PST
And you know what? I will learn my own mother english . Can you imagine that? Me.

So we started to watch movies in english without polish subtiles. Yesterday we saw "The Boondock Saints" 30 time . I know every single word from it by heart. Today I caught myself on thinking-trough the dialogs. I'm plaing the movie in my head again and again, every single moment of the day. I begin to dream about it: few days ago I killed few mob guys in my own room; then I kissed Murph McManus (Norman Reedus) goodnight and made myself a tatoo on my left arm - with a needle. It was a celtic cross.

"And I shall count Thy among my favourite sheeps and you shall have the protection of all the angels in heaven". Please chop my head off. -.-' ]]> ~Selus http://Selus.deviantart.com/journal/3884340/ http://Selus.deviantart.com/journal/3884340/ Sun, 21 Nov 2004 08:18:05 PST . I would like to spend all my time on drawing and painting... life is cruel .

Ok, I have few exams to pass and finish my school. Then: o welcome wonderful world! I will leave Poland behind and look for luck elsewhere. Nice dream, isn't it? ]]> ~Selus http://Selus.deviantart.com/journal/3639577/ http://Selus.deviantart.com/journal/3639577/ Thu, 21 Oct 2004 03:00:56 PDT
...ang I just discoverd I can't use it. I'm an idiot. I have two hands and both left. Disaster. I've got a lot to learn, It seems. I've got to make one of my left hands right again. And of course - I've got to learn how to use Corel Painter 8 _^_".

Or maybe better idea? Will somebody mercyful kill me? ]]> ~Selus