http://search.deviantart.com/?q=by:Sh4d0wW4lk3r&section=today deviantART RSS for by:Sh4d0wW4lk3r en-us Copyright 2009, deviantART.com Sat, 12 Dec 2009 03:17:24 PST deviantART.com http://blogs.law.harvard.edu/tech/rss http://s.deviantart.com/minish/widgets/apple-touch-icon-precomposed.png http://Sh4d0wW4lk3r.deviantart.com/journal/28592097/ http://Sh4d0wW4lk3r.deviantart.com/journal/28592097/ Thu, 26 Nov 2009 14:12:13 PST
my biggest project thus far is my blanket that i am crocheting. i am making it because my family life is really shit, so i'm hoping to "stitch" it all back together. it is about a foot and a half wider then twin sized bed, and i think is nine inches tall currently. this has taken me 5 days to do thus far.

i finished stage managing The Merry Wives of Windsor. i'm STILL tired from that show, it's ridiculous. but everyone was great to me, and we did the show very well. someone very well known from our local regional theatre claimed that "that was the best production of Merry Wives she'd ever seen- including ones she'd been in herself!"
Merry Wives of Windsor, by the way, is Shakespeare's worst play. he wrote it in 6 days, because the queen liked the character of Falstaff so much, she "commissioned" (threatened with death) for him to make a new play.
it is a VERY hard show to do, because there are so many different settings in the show- a forest, Master Page's house, Master Ford's house, the Garter Inn, the town, Dr. Caius' house, the field, etc. the lighting was fairly simple, unfortunately. it didn't let the costumes really pop and come alive. however, on the costuming note, we had FABULOUS costumes. so colorful and intricate. we are so blessed, to say the least.

i will be making my brother a hoodie for christmas, i'm thinking a quilt for mom, and my dad... i don't know yet... maybe a Duffle or travel bag?

i don't have much money this year, so i'm hoping those and some smaller gifts would work out. they'll see and know the effort.

]]> ~Sh4d0wW4lk3r http://Sh4d0wW4lk3r.deviantart.com/journal/23214375/ http://Sh4d0wW4lk3r.deviantart.com/journal/23214375/ Sun, 15 Feb 2009 11:14:29 PST
a small group of people were playing hookey. most of us either chilled in a car in the dusty, dirty, old-western style road of a parking lot, or wandered the streets around it.
i had to go into photography class for some reason , and a girl approached me. she asked if i knew where Torrie was. she was in my group, but continued to wander so as to not draw suspicion to herself and the rest of the group. however, i told her i knew where she was, not wanting to lie, and the girl took that as she was absent so as to keep us out of trouble.
afterward, i wandered into the Bio room. it looked as if it were a combination of how Ms. Kennedy's room and Mark's room was laid out. they were disecting things, and had big, electric contraptions set up to test things. i stole a scalpel like device (maybe looking like a pen or fan shape though) whose blade was about as long as my hand. and then i also stole a serrated knife with a slight curve near the tip about 3 inches longer then my hand. i walked out with them without a hitch.
we proceeded as a group to walk into the Gym. old steel catwalks loomed overhead, but the ony entrance was thruogh a door which was padlocked from the inside. we stood on the bottom level where years of physical education ground the earth into a hard surface that gently crunched beneath yuor feet and was as hard as a rock. \
i passed out the scalpel to a girl, and then a knife that i had on my belt to Alex. i kept the serrated knife. we spread out across the room, in waiting.
suddenly, a big bull came out. eyes wld with horror, big shaggy black coat with a brown spot on the neck. he charged through the room, sending a cloud of smoke up behind him as he ran off. he turned and headed for me and another bloke. i dodged out of the way, not noticing the scrapes along my arms. Alex followed on his heeels as if he was aided the speed of the spirit of the panther. he slahed the bull's foreleg. the beast growled and shouted with agony. the guy next to me stabbed the beast in the back, and i got him in the neck. the serrated blade dug in deep, and i could see the knife's contours through the tough flesh.
Adrenaline pounded through my veins as i pulled out the bloodied knife and walked away for a moment. when i came back, Alex cut a hole into the beast.
"a piece of the most prized meat to the killer?" he offered.
i stooped over the dead animal and smelled the fresh blood. i reached into the cavity, with knife in hand and cut off a piece of the heart. i tried to down it right off, but it was so squishy and weird that i needed water to help me get it down. i drank from an abandoned water bottle, ate the meat and then chased it down with more of the beverage. blood clung to my finger tips. i knelt down and grabbed the scalpel in my let hand, holding the serrated blade with my right.
and then the doors busted open. through the central door of the facility, walked the king. he was tall and muscular, but his strength was concealed under a mountain of black furs and behind a shiny, golden crown.
someone placed a big black umbrella in my hand. i immediately braced. with a clatter and a clang, i felt the crown hit my shield and clang against the floor.
i tried to run out, but gaurding each doorway was a man dressed in similar, althugh lesser quality furs. there were 8 other men besides the king, and each one of them herded us towards the center of the room. the king, glowering angrily at the biggest man of our bunch, gripped his short sword and flung it at Alex's chest.
an agonising cry escaped my lips, and i woke up, feeling fear all over my body and in my fingertips as i left my bed.

]]> ~Sh4d0wW4lk3r http://Sh4d0wW4lk3r.deviantart.com/journal/22838178/ http://Sh4d0wW4lk3r.deviantart.com/journal/22838178/ Tue, 27 Jan 2009 07:03:53 PST Flash to the way to the race. all of his cats (6 i think in the dream) were in the car nuzzling against me and him.
fade to the race itself. in front of me racing fast is a pack of 6 dogs pulling me across frozen, snow covered ground with a lick of fresh powder.
next thing i know, i'm back in town, holding a cat and walking to (judging from the route taken) boyfriend's house. on my way, i see a group of traveling homeless minstrels who took up residence on the corner of that main road and i think Van Ness. there was a small shack built as a sun room in the back. most of the homeless stayed in there, where there was drumming and singing, and guitar strumming (they were even mic'd and amp'd). outside though, a really eclectic guy was dancing in the rain, playing the harmonica (but sounded like a flute), one of those deer hoof anklets. he had dreads hanging down half his back (imagine my hair length to a guy equivalent in dreadlock form). he smiled, nodded, and went back to dancing.
whilst i kept walking. i continued to pet the cat, who was somehow able to stay mostly dry, as i walked in moonlit tears. all i'm left with is the scent if rain in my nostrils and an ache in my bones.

]]> ~Sh4d0wW4lk3r http://Sh4d0wW4lk3r.deviantart.com/journal/22501774/ http://Sh4d0wW4lk3r.deviantart.com/journal/22501774/ Sat, 10 Jan 2009 08:11:42 PST
if you are interested and are where i live, talk to me, eh?

]]> ~Sh4d0wW4lk3r http://Sh4d0wW4lk3r.deviantart.com/journal/22208786/ http://Sh4d0wW4lk3r.deviantart.com/journal/22208786/ Fri, 26 Dec 2008 11:55:51 PST
]]> ~Sh4d0wW4lk3r http://Sh4d0wW4lk3r.deviantart.com/journal/21787149/ http://Sh4d0wW4lk3r.deviantart.com/journal/21787149/ Tue, 02 Dec 2008 16:47:32 PST later in the night, i saw some guy on the computer on what looked like the boffing website for my clan. he too died, but his eyes bled out.
another man, who was laying at the foot of the bed, left his mouth open for the most part in a half daze. he still spoke, but the mouth didn't move except in explicitly passionate moments. looking at him from the side, it looked as if misty spirits were leaving his body, or stealing his life essence. during the biggest blast if spiritual energy, the view shifted from live action to sketchy manga panel view (sorta like this kind of style [link] ). it shifted to manga view afew times, but thats the only image i distinctly remember.
another bloke shoved the guy aside at the computer and checked the website too. he died, but by the hand of someone in the room (who oddly looked kinda like Clover)... his jaw was ripped out.
when i got on the computer, not wanting to talk to anyone, i woke up to these closing words: "don't worry; this is just how we play."


this was my dream lest we say: i did not want to get out of bed this morning.
i wonder what triggered this dream? it's my most vivid in a long time.

]]> ~Sh4d0wW4lk3r http://Sh4d0wW4lk3r.deviantart.com/journal/21770737/ http://Sh4d0wW4lk3r.deviantart.com/journal/21770737/ Mon, 01 Dec 2008 16:59:21 PST
1) Your name? Dana
Dana (Day-Na) is the word that defines as a completely powerful person who is not consumed by power and still has empathy. Danas are extremely competent in all aspects, intellegent, respectful, and well-mannered. Not only are they also very beautiful creatures, they have a good sense of humor. Dana does NOT come from Danae or Diana or Diane, in fact. Dana is a word all on itself, created to define awesome people.


2) Your age? 17.
"The right age to start having sex, according to Chef on South Park."


3) One of your friends? Topher
(v) To make an object (usually one that is at first well-liked) hated by incessantly imitating, quoting, or reciting facts about said object.
(n) 1. One that follows another around consistently, going out of his or her way to be in your company. An exceptionally clingy object.
2. One that treats your personal space as his or her own.
Etymology: A well known person at MIT with the nickname Topher was notorious for doing these acts.
That Arnold Schwarzenegger soundboard sure was funny at first, but then those jackasses with no lives tophered the thing right into the ground.

Sloppy boyfriends often make the mistake of tophering their relationships to their male friends.

The minute I got back online, that Topher noticed and called my house, inviting himself over for dinner. After the meal, he watched TV in the living room and farted on the sofa, proceeding to fall asleep there for the night.

awwww...sorry Touff... T_T

4) What should you be doing? writing an essay
an excuse commonly used (esp. by males) to justify locking ones self in a room (often bedroom) for the purpose of fulfilling ones daily masturbational quota/to listen to speed garage.
lulz.

5) Favorite color? purple
purple colored marijuana (usually green with blotches of purple). marijuana is sometimes grown differently to have a purple hue, usually more potent and sometimes more expensive. very common in northern california (bay area)
... *cough* >.>


6) Birthplace? new miford
A town not too far from Farfield County. One place that you can find a farm every 20 acres of land. Most people live here because they lived in Farfield County and it just got too damn expensive.
(note: entry before this ne had lulz in it that were amusig)

7) Month of your birth? October
Tom the jackhammer Billuson brutally molested a sheep named "Octy" during the 31 days of this fall month. The story was so horrifying that villagers named these 31 days after the poor sheep, thus resulting in the name october
*shudder*

8) Last person you talked to? Mother
Used to define something larger or better than anything else.


9) One of your nicknames? nutch
An itching of the testicles.
nice dad... :glare:


10) Last ex? Forrest
any kid age 6-14 that has ADD/ADHD, likes shooting and blowing things up, likes to run around screaming about random animals or generally makes you wish FOR REST and relaxation!
... fitting.

]]> ~Sh4d0wW4lk3r http://Sh4d0wW4lk3r.deviantart.com/journal/21707306/ http://Sh4d0wW4lk3r.deviantart.com/journal/21707306/ Thu, 27 Nov 2008 21:57:33 PST
i'm angry, to say the least.

you still might not see anything. we'll have to wait till i find something to spark my interest again. sorry everyone.

]]> ~Sh4d0wW4lk3r http://Sh4d0wW4lk3r.deviantart.com/journal/20469450/ http://Sh4d0wW4lk3r.deviantart.com/journal/20469450/ Sat, 13 Sep 2008 10:01:40 PDT
EDIT: i just realized the irony of my first image post. a bright yellow happy healthy flower, next to a guy who looks blood thirsty. hooray irony!

]]> ~Sh4d0wW4lk3r http://Sh4d0wW4lk3r.deviantart.com/journal/20311882/ http://Sh4d0wW4lk3r.deviantart.com/journal/20311882/ Wed, 03 Sep 2008 17:02:46 PDT
Photography: i love my teaher, as i have for the last 3 semesters i have had him. too bad these first couple of days are soooooooo dull. i was able to chat with him about what we did over the summer. i met a kid, and had a small group around me disussing philosophical matters, "like if you could live forever would you?" i never learned the bloke's name. *shrugs* oh well....

Study Skills: why did i even bother to go to this class? oh, yeah, cause excused absences need to be made up and i didn't want to deal with the call home. but this was a waste of time to go to. i'm thinking of switching out because i only have 3 academic classes this semester. maybe change it to PE2 so i can have photography second semester as well. highlight of this class: getting my teacher's mail and deivering stuff to the copy room. one word: dull. to have a good analogy, duller then a cheese knife.

Principles of Technology: alot of people i hate are in this class... it depresses me. i'm not fond of the teacher either. oh well. atleast i'll learn a bit more about electricity here... i have wanted to for awhile, as well as other processes and systems. interestingish class, just full of dim people

Beg. Fiber Arts: meh. this will probably be fun later, but not for another month or so when she lets us off the leash to do our own thing. the only thing is i dont know how to use her machines... stupid walmart pieces of junk... they've got like, mechanical buttons on it... and electronic numbers.... wha...? i prefer my machine (which is actually Alex's grandmothers) beause it is simple. no fancy buttons, no special stithes, nothing compliated... just easy and simple. with the exeption of me not knowing how to thread a bobbin on it, but i'd just need to look in the book for how to do it. i may switch out of this one too due to lack of interesting things and if i actually do need to take another year of a second language...

overall: i met few new people. The bloke from photography who is nameless for now, and a boy named Clinton who is friends with my good friend Dusty and is going to be in Tech (i unofficially claimed him as my bitch this year). everyone was stoked to see me though. i had alot more energy then i should have- and not just because of my monster either. i had been without social contact for 3 days, and then dropped in a sea of social interaction. that caused me to spasm and be crazy in all my movements, exaggerations and speech.

]]> ~Sh4d0wW4lk3r http://Sh4d0wW4lk3r.deviantart.com/journal/20266670/ http://Sh4d0wW4lk3r.deviantart.com/journal/20266670/ Mon, 01 Sep 2008 07:38:43 PDT we got our boat to the other side of the island to find a new place to live so as to let the plants recover from using all the resources. i don't know how we got there, considering there was no motor nor oars. i made the special Mooring knot (for lack of knowledge of what it actually is called when you tie up your boat to those metal things on the dock) and impressed her with the little sailing knowledge i had. the beach had really white sand. we started hiking in, and landscape changed from being desolate dry due to the oceans salt content, to a rich, lush forest. under my feet, moist leaves made an astroturf like padding under my feet that made me bounce slightly with each step.
we started climbing this hill, until i stop and gaze in awe at the sight before me. it looked like crystal grass, with glowing, clear worms crawling through, changing colors as they moved. each blade was a different color. my companion said that the coloring came from the center of the earth. mind you, this patch was only maybe a square foot or 2, but it was spectacular. we settled near a waterfall that night.
when the character me woke up, we hiked back to the boat. i noticed the grass only looked like small christmas lights during the day time, but still, for the amount of light around it, glowed brightly.
we got back in the boat and made our way to the other island. there, we stayed just barely in the treeline, with a view of 2 islands around us, one the one we stayed in the night before. whooping sounded in the distance. kids. on a faraway ledge on the island across from us, kids (teens) ran, shouted and laughed. it hurt me to hear them from over 3/4 of a mile away. one of the kids was adventurous though, and made their way over to the island my pal and i were saying on. Pia. she was excited to see me. we crashed there for the night and set off again the next afternoon to show Pia the home base.
she looked at those crystalised grasses a good while, perhaps intrigued by the way they looked.

a storm was coming. i could tell instantly when i woe up, even though it was sunny. i hurried the 2 girls to get ready as fast as they could. we got to the boat, and noticed we had been followed. rabbits, turtles, deer, and even a rhinocerous came by and tried swimming toward the mainland shore. after arguing with my compaion when thought the tide would carry our boat away, we arrive perfectly at the mainland dock as if by magic. the rhino got there just before us and charged ahead. we got into a car, a white 'lil saturn, and drove away, warning about the rhino that charged ahead.we didn't see him, nor any wreckage. that menacing beast had only one desire- to live.

in another part of the dream, there is this big muscular guy, who apparently is very athletic, but cannot swim. he could run on water over the whole globe if he had enough stamina. but he didn't. he forgot about his ability often though. when pirates and evil baddies came to his island (the same me and my friends stayed on), he chased them off, but never got them. he chased off one, then another. he was fed up with losing them so often. he rediscovered his power then. the third baddie, unluckily for him, was chased off the island also with one key difference; he was chased off and still followed. within seconds, the ship was destroyed by the fast being. however, he had no desire to slow down and kept blazing forward, until he was too tired. having overused his power and slowing down, he started sinking. overspent and uaware of his surroundings, he sunk into the water and all forgot about he who did not watch and observe his actions and reactions.

]]> ~Sh4d0wW4lk3r http://Sh4d0wW4lk3r.deviantart.com/journal/19941092/ http://Sh4d0wW4lk3r.deviantart.com/journal/19941092/ Wed, 13 Aug 2008 19:34:16 PDT i think i'll be opening this business up to the school as well, but raise my prices. i'm doing the $35 for my friends due to the fact that i find it rediculous to charge $150 and be able to get away with it, and so i can do a nice service for my friends and close associates so they dont waste their money.
when i open up to the school, i'm looking about charging $50-70 and advertising in the school paper, which comes out either biweekly or monthly.

]]> ~Sh4d0wW4lk3r http://Sh4d0wW4lk3r.deviantart.com/journal/19064606/ http://Sh4d0wW4lk3r.deviantart.com/journal/19064606/ Thu, 26 Jun 2008 20:30:14 PDT below is the link to the journal feature.

[link]

]]> ~Sh4d0wW4lk3r http://Sh4d0wW4lk3r.deviantart.com/journal/18851936/ http://Sh4d0wW4lk3r.deviantart.com/journal/18851936/ Sun, 15 Jun 2008 09:37:28 PDT a) tell you why I friended you
b) associate you with something - fandom, a song, a colour, a photo, etc.
c) tell you something I like about you
d) tell you a memory I have of you
e) ask something I've always wanted to know about you

In return, you must post this in your journal.

You know you want to.



---------------------------------------------

in other news...

COLOR CHANGE!? my journal looks... bright. not the dark olive green. it's just a shock though.

]]> ~Sh4d0wW4lk3r http://Sh4d0wW4lk3r.deviantart.com/journal/18739200/ http://Sh4d0wW4lk3r.deviantart.com/journal/18739200/ Sun, 08 Jun 2008 22:08:37 PDT i rediscovered my photography gene thanks to these people i've worked with. i'm so happy right now, you have no idea.

]]> ~Sh4d0wW4lk3r http://Sh4d0wW4lk3r.deviantart.com/journal/18728540/ http://Sh4d0wW4lk3r.deviantart.com/journal/18728540/ Sun, 08 Jun 2008 10:23:03 PDT
my first acting gig, and i get killed doing it.

hacked into pieces with a sword, actually.

i didn't realize i was doing it till the last minute. nobody decided to call up a girl to play the part. being the only vag around, i was thrust in to the role.

and to think, the teary-eyed look in my eyes was not just "method acting" as they said. i was genuinely scared. afterall, i never acted in ANYTHING before.... i felt like i was pretending to act. i don't know how i came out. i won't know till i see the film after they take everything through post.

i'm kinda afraid of seeing myself though... i don't want to look totally fake. they said i could act, but i wasn't sure if that was genuine or just to comfort me and my tears.

well, i hit a milestone last night... i thought i'd let ch'all know...

]]> ~Sh4d0wW4lk3r http://Sh4d0wW4lk3r.deviantart.com/journal/18652734/ http://Sh4d0wW4lk3r.deviantart.com/journal/18652734/ Tue, 03 Jun 2008 20:38:08 PDT i have A's and B's in everything else though. so i'm content and not really worried. i'm thinking of getting photography to be an excused absence because i have nothing to do there except watch a movie. i suppose i should atleast grace my teacher with my presence that day too.


to do list:

tonight:
-finish math review assignment
-make math cheat sheets for chapters 12 and 13 (or whatever i don't already have)
-review biology study guide, find (circle) what i don't know so i can go in and ask during study and review sessions.


tomorrow:
-go into bio, get questions answered during study and review session
-snog my boytoy
-organize my notecards (the one's with the sources)
-make my works cited page to MLA format
-find rough draft of my research paper
-flip through my notebook and review my 'Merican Studies notes for 2nd semester. (wwi through cold war)
-go into town to run errand

]]> ~Sh4d0wW4lk3r http://Sh4d0wW4lk3r.deviantart.com/journal/18426200/ http://Sh4d0wW4lk3r.deviantart.com/journal/18426200/ Wed, 21 May 2008 06:28:42 PDT
i hate waking up earlier then needed....

i'm not inactive. i just have been busy. i have something to put up that i made in photo class. i just have to find a way to get it hopping over from a mac that isn't updated enough to put thing on DA, to a working pc... ick....

]]> ~Sh4d0wW4lk3r http://Sh4d0wW4lk3r.deviantart.com/journal/18316499/ http://Sh4d0wW4lk3r.deviantart.com/journal/18316499/ Wed, 14 May 2008 06:58:11 PDT Infinite fire revolving around infinite parallels
fractals of infinite reality,
each cascading, gliding in an infinite wheel.

Tell me the true nature of my reality!



to quote Devin Townsend, this is what's going on in my mind. especially about my proportions test later on today... xP

]]> ~Sh4d0wW4lk3r http://Sh4d0wW4lk3r.deviantart.com/journal/18253214/ http://Sh4d0wW4lk3r.deviantart.com/journal/18253214/ Sat, 10 May 2008 07:21:47 PDT
my dream was like that... my nightmare. my tears even misted up typing the dream...

i had a dream last night. i was at a school. it blended in to be a combination of my high school, and another. i had no idea where anything was. it looked like the State Thespian Confrence was happening. all the workshop rooms you had to go through the gym to get to.
as i looked for a class to go to, i ended up finding no doors open. i was late. they started showing a movie. it was similar to and then there were none, only it hinted at how they broke off, it didn't explictitly say.
Eli (the crazy but pleasant one) opened a door and dragged me into it a class. it was a deeper voice, but his body. "welcome to German (mumble mumble)"
we were looking at a comic. not anything anyone knew. it wasn't even in english. but i understood it. i got transported to it. i was back and forth between the living and not. the other world was on a island, and i was trying to figure out the conspiracy. it was something i discovered on the side directly west that told me i had to go to the cantina.

i was killed there too...

after the workshop was over, i left and went downstairs in a deserted area. i saw a figure approach me. Steffan, actually. i ended up shrieking at him to go away, but he backed me up against the wall, sandwiched between the corner and a discarded overhead projector. it was quite fitting that i be picked off at that location. i would be about as useless as that metalic scrap. he kept coming closer, hand clenched tightly.

oh god, he's the bee...

i felt something thing and sharp penetrate my theigh. it was removed fast, and burned slightly.
a hypodermic needle. he shot me. i screamed in the room, but it appeared deserted. i ran out of the room and toward what looked like our theatre's black box, and i found people, telling them i was gonna die. nobody belived me.
they laughed when i told them i was dying.
i became intensely open at that point. almost any man or woman i valued
i kissed, hoping that someone would believe my insanity.
nobody did. they only held me down until i could feel the burn of poison flow through my bloodstream and spreak like Jif peanutbutter.
slowly fade to black and i lay, writhing on the floor.

interesting to note that this dream was also in third person, but i still felt the pain...

]]> ~Sh4d0wW4lk3r http://Sh4d0wW4lk3r.deviantart.com/journal/18071993/ http://Sh4d0wW4lk3r.deviantart.com/journal/18071993/ Mon, 28 Apr 2008 14:24:30 PDT however, i've never quilted before. i could get help from his grandma, but i want to do it mostly on my own. the only thing i am worried about is i dont want it to feel akward on his skin where i sewed the image in... i'll just have to see how it will come out.

in other news, i'm working as the Production Assistant for a film. i'm not sure what it is entirely about because i have only seen afew scenes. all i can tell you is that it is about these 2 assassins who do their thing. one has an issue with killing past the high he gets, the other immerses himself in the world of it because he's a sadistic fuck.

i don't know what to do with myself right now.

i feel like i should be doing something, but i can't figure it out for the life of me. like i should be taking care of something.

today, i'm going shopping for some things.... i forgot to get a gift for my best friend for her birthday and i promised that i'd get her things. over a month and a half ago... i feel like a bad friend, but i guess i'll have to get over it for now. i'll get something till i can get the main thing thats actually of a decent quality.

i've been feeling ravenous lately. like, i cannot stop eating. i wonder why....?

]]> ~Sh4d0wW4lk3r http://Sh4d0wW4lk3r.deviantart.com/journal/17587754/ http://Sh4d0wW4lk3r.deviantart.com/journal/17587754/ Sun, 30 Mar 2008 10:41:25 PDT 2. If you weren't procrastinating, what would you be doing right now? you know, i should be calling my boy to see if he's coming over...
3. What do you absolutely have to have each day, otherwise you'd have a freak out session? see my boyfriend. i won't freak out nescessarily, but i will be saddened.
4. What's your music/band of choice lately? Chrono Cross game soundtrack composed by yasunori mitsuda.
5. If you could be any character YOU created, who would it be and why? Cuddles, my animate rogue teddy bear.
6. what's something you regret? having so many past, short. meaningless relationships.
7. Are you messy or organized? i'm organised till i get to my room. that is my sanctuary where i should relax. i don't care about the condition of my room unless there are people who will see it. otherwise, i am decently organised. i'm not a perfectionist about it, but i know what to do and how to do it.
8. What's the one thing you would never do FOR a friend/love? i would never kill someone for them.
9. If your city/home got infested with zombies, do you think you'd survive? i'd survive, but i wouldn't be a help stopping the invasion.
10. If you were guaranteed an afterlife but wasn't told what kind of life, would you fear death? yes. i don't fear what happens after death. i care about during death though, and entering the realm of the afterlife.

]]> ~Sh4d0wW4lk3r http://Sh4d0wW4lk3r.deviantart.com/journal/17548898/ http://Sh4d0wW4lk3r.deviantart.com/journal/17548898/ Thu, 27 Mar 2008 20:57:21 PDT heres some updates.

*i cleared my watch list of deviations for the first time in months. i did not look at it all though, so dont be offended if i didn't look at everything you posted. i only have so much time and patience.

*feb 20th- i shared the lunar eclipse with my boyfriend. i was so lucky to see it with him.

*Mar. 16- i saw Luna. i know, i'm impressed too. first time i've seen my former best friend in 2 years. we plan on getting coffee soon.

*i plan on being more creative for photography. hopefully i'll be able to do something interesting.

*mar 23- 6 months with my boyfriend. half a year has felt like we have always been. i've never been happier in my life.

*i'm going to the state thespian competition. things shall be good there, although i think i'll be quite useless during the actual show since i had mono during the original run, i will be indisposable when we set up the entire thing.

*i have to write a social article. grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.


thats it for now.

]]> ~Sh4d0wW4lk3r http://Sh4d0wW4lk3r.deviantart.com/journal/16883580/ http://Sh4d0wW4lk3r.deviantart.com/journal/16883580/ Thu, 14 Feb 2008 14:53:51 PST
everything started in okay, but after first period, my boyfriend felt sick and decided to go home. i hope he's okay; i plan on visiting him as soon as school's out.

i know today is "la dia de amor" (the day of love), but i'm not feeling the love here.
the quad of my school is CROWDED with people. arising out of the mass of bodies are balloons that hover over everyone. it's like they loom over me and just want to make me feel icky and lonely.

i think i have been ignored the most this valentines day then ever before. only 1 card (which said very little but was still meaningful with a blue rose drawn on the front) which was given freely, 1 card being forced as a class assignment (we had to write a spanish valentine to somene in the class, pick a name out of the bag and write something for them.), and 1 person who gave me some hershey's kisses. needless to say. sadly, the forced assignment one made me feel the most appreciated. it's like i'm isolated here, or that suddenly, i have lost alot of friends.
not that i did anything for anyone else though- i didn't have time or money to do that. and everyone knows that (i hope).
i plan on making up for this by buying cheap after valentines day candy to make myself feel more special. specifically conversation hearts. or high quality chocolate. i have not decided.

my boyfriend's best friend (and my best friend's boyfriend, coincidentially) has been saying alot of cruel things lately. i know it's all in jest, but it feels like so much more. like i did something to spark his contempt. it's been putting me in a gloom of doom. i wonder why. in any case, i'm starting to see why my boy fights with him often nowadays.

i lost my check. it was my lab fee for photography class. so i can't take pictures and print them for class. so i can't do anything now. i feel like i am inadequette. not only because i can't participate in the class, but because i feel like a failure because couldn't even pay my lab fee. that i couldn't even get it to the office. it makes me feel so...

imperfect.

that word kills me.

i wish my DNA would stop making mRNA to stop my protien production so i could just perish....



in other news, conversation hearts say everything at the right time. "in a fog" i just pulled out. how ironic.

]]> ~Sh4d0wW4lk3r http://Sh4d0wW4lk3r.deviantart.com/journal/16544827/ http://Sh4d0wW4lk3r.deviantart.com/journal/16544827/ Wed, 23 Jan 2008 23:29:05 PST GEOMETRY- make 1 side 1 page notes for each chapter. finish review assignment.
PHOTOGRAPHY- claim computer, print out all self portraits (even though your missing transformers T_T )
Theatre- arrange time to be picked up from house with boyfriend's mom and returned home for friday night, saturday morning and night.
- talk to doug or betsy about when we could return everything.
- talk to PJ about the props meeting on Saturday
- work the door at reggae shindig. $8 an hour, bitches ^_^

friday- props meeting with Chloe, Rose, and Bruce at 2:30; act 2 of beauty and the beast.

saturday- if i have a ride, go to meeting with PJ
- organize list of talent for event.
- double check with betsy to see if she's got the info teachers need for set stuff (how many chairs, music stands, specials, etc)

tuesday- dry tech for event.

wednesday- wet tech for event during tech class. event that night.

]]> ~Sh4d0wW4lk3r http://Sh4d0wW4lk3r.deviantart.com/journal/16501925/ http://Sh4d0wW4lk3r.deviantart.com/journal/16501925/ Mon, 21 Jan 2008 08:46:32 PST
finals start on tuesday.

WFAF is starting up too- i am going to get a poster all to myself on my self portraits. i'm also ASMing the event. i need to



THINGS I NEED TO DO:
Monday-
Beauty: talk to PJ to see if giant candelabras are availible to rent, as well as last seasons vendor carts from OTR. let him know we will be compiling a list together of stuff we want to rent.

tuesday-
SPANISH: study vocabuary and sentence structure for about 15 minutes.
ENGLISH: make 1 page front/back paper of bio notes. call up Lauren if i have problems. unearth all old notes.

wednesday-
AM. STUDIES- letter to my teacher. not sure if it was homework to to be done in class... also go through notebook to see if i can elaborate on my notes at all.
TECH- find rehearsal props in Rose storage. also, get a list from Betsy on who is performing when and if she has the info on what all the teachers need needs.

thursday-
GEOMETRY- make 1 side 1 page notes for each chapter. finish review assignment.
PHOTOGRAPHY- claim computer, print out all self portraits (even though your missing transformers T_T )

]]> ~Sh4d0wW4lk3r http://Sh4d0wW4lk3r.deviantart.com/journal/16203943/ http://Sh4d0wW4lk3r.deviantart.com/journal/16203943/ Tue, 01 Jan 2008 10:11:18 PST


o i was at a theatre. oddly, it looked more like a safeway though....i was outside trying to do things (kicking a ball at something etc) and then, as i'm running, there are 2 guys fighting over what i assume was me or another girl i was friends with (or both.... that wasn't clear). i ended up doing a reverse roundhouse kick and got them in the legs so hard they cried. they said that they would fight us (me and the other girl) to get us.
i ended up skipping across a green field next to it (probably that graveyard without the gravestones), proud of what i did. i went to that girl who i was talking about previously. she wore dark purple mostly. dark purple and black lace up gloves, a nice black and purple breathable and nice, but still skimpy shirt and pants, etc. she had cornrows (the hairstyle) too. she glared at me as i walked over and attacked me, saying "how could you let them go after me!? it's all your fault! it's all your fault! my mother- my best friend told me so!"
"it's not my fault!" i yelled back. after i saw the rage in her eyes fade alittle, i started to tell her what happened in a normal tone (with a hint of fear at first because she still looked like she was gonna kill me). "atleast, not entirely..."
i told her what happened, how the guys came up, faught over us, how i ended up fighting them to protect us, but only getting in more danger... "so i'm not the only person responsible. i am some, but you can't place all the blame on me"
she looked at me with the kind of calm rage you know is just about to bubble, but you know that could still be contained. she nodded and walked toward the playhouse. after regaining myself, i followed after her.
i got in and met some people who apparently i knew. i dont remember what happens here....but we were in a lobby or green room of some kind that was right by the house enterance.
me and the group ran out of the room (i guess it was their cue and i wanted to watch) and guess who ended up exiting the stage? Jamison. dressed in the Polonious robe he wore for CWS. yeah, been awhile since i seen him in a dream. he ended up giving me an embrace i felt even out of the dream world. it felt like all my my friends and aquaintences were giving me a hug all at once. he has always been a spiritual figure for me... always talking about spirituality, and how confident he is, and somehow always radiating a joyous presence. i think his being there is saying even though you may have (or may thing you have) danger coming, you've got a safety net, and we're always here to help you out.
then, people kept running on and off stage very unprofessionally. some even went through the aisles in the house to exit! it was very sad. big bunch of ensomble members. i wonder what they symbolise? the pack? my friends? people in general? i dont know yet. i need to think about this dream more.

]]> ~Sh4d0wW4lk3r http://Sh4d0wW4lk3r.deviantart.com/journal/15561142/ http://Sh4d0wW4lk3r.deviantart.com/journal/15561142/ Sun, 18 Nov 2007 10:57:50 PST Free Rice
free rice is very creative. you get a word, and then you have to figure out its synonym. if you get it right, you donate 10 grains of rice to the UN to distribute to needy countries facing hunger and famine. about 100 grains is a bowl of rice for someone. it's addictive. as all hell.

:thumb55609790:
The Hunger Site
these people donate food with a click of your mouse. it also makes it easy to access other similar sites that do the same thing just with issues like breast cancer, saving the rainforest, providing child health care, giving food to animal shelters, and spreading literacy throughout the globe.

[link]
The Breast Cancer Site
i know i mentioned it in the link above, but i looked into something and saw that if 500 mammograms are donated by the end of November, then they will donate a ultrasound machine to South Africa. i thought it would be good to put this link up too.

[link]
Hunger Fighters
these people also donate food from every click on da green button to the needy.




thats all for now....

]]> ~Sh4d0wW4lk3r http://Sh4d0wW4lk3r.deviantart.com/journal/15527104/ http://Sh4d0wW4lk3r.deviantart.com/journal/15527104/ Thu, 15 Nov 2007 21:57:36 PST
phucking stolen.

again. for the second time this year.

my negatives, my prints.... all of themthat were at school...

i vow never to leave my photography binder in the room with all the other ones again like everyone else does. i'm not safe. at all...

at this point, i'm looking at it like people want my work because it is so beautiful. any other alternatives i could consider, i dont want to because it hurts too much that someone would put me through this kind of torture.

AGAIN!

those of you who i saw at school, forgive me for my outbursts. and forgive me for my depression and outbursts in the next few days. so much crap is being thrown at me, i don't know what to do... i'm getting depressed. A LOT. i know i just got through a depression spell, but now, it comes back and bites me in the arse.

BOLLOCKS! on a shish kebab. grilled on a hibachi.

]]> ~Sh4d0wW4lk3r http://Sh4d0wW4lk3r.deviantart.com/journal/15423279/ http://Sh4d0wW4lk3r.deviantart.com/journal/15423279/ Thu, 08 Nov 2007 16:37:22 PST
there are 2 things that are hard for me to take that are affecting me at this time; stress, and pity.

too bad tears invoke pity in others. it makes it difficult to cry.

i got sick with mono, as most of you know if you are loyal readers (there have to be some- there's no way i can get over 100 blog views when it's only halfway through the week. if you exist, i suggest leaving me a comment and alerting me of your existance. i dont bite. hard. but i dont draw blood!) or friends. i was sick at home.

it's hard to explain what it was like living there in my room with that vile sickness. i was weak. what existed what just the simple reality that was created around me. a pillow against my dresser to keep me propped up, pill bottles, scattered papers, textbooks, dirty clothes all laid around me. i basically laid in my own filth. i hadn't the energy to keep myself clean and tidy or the spirit. but those last few vicodin pills became my friends. they kept the pain away a bit. they defended me. i bonded with books. i scribbled writings of my insanity and torment to my boyfriend and myself (i sent him the happier copies). i couldn't do anything else. it was all i could do. i wasn't allowed to use the phone (and for awhile the computer too). i couldn't stop writing to my boyfriend, because he was my only source of the outside world. i did have more sense then sending him everything though- i didn't want him worrrying and pitying me more then nescessary.

and so, we are back to the subject of pity. i dispise it. i dont think people should worry about me or feel sorry for me. why should they? they are dampening their spirits for me. i dont want people to be lowered to my points of self-esteem (HINT: it's not a high score by any means) because of me. or, if they treat me differently then usual because of something i'm going through. that's why i hate crying in public- because i can feel their pity surge into me and it makes me cry more as i try harder to hide it. i am rather ashamed of it, actually. my tears, my weakness and my tenderness. i feel more tender then a good piece of veal.

and yet, there's a thought that's coming to me: do we need more of these kind of people? like myself?

it makes us aware that we need to reconise that immediately in our lives, people are suffering under the surface to such great extents that, at some point, they crack. they crack like vases being broken over someone's face (or, alternatively, having a sludgehammer taken to them). the water contained within the vases pour out in massive rivers as if the spring sun caused massive flooding.

they are right infront of us. all of them. they mingle into crowds, sitting there, placing a facade over themselves like a mask to hide their problems and their stresses. but what is covered up under something still exists. it exists within us all, infront of us all, behind us all...

why can't everyone love and be loved? if everyone showed eachother love, then what kind of amazing transformation would we undergo? what kind of world would we live in? what kind of dream would our realities be? a better one, i think. it'd be alot less filled with drama, high emotions, fear and jealousy.

'till then though, i live with my fear, until it melts away like an icecube in the desert. i have to catch up with my schoolwork- i'm so behind, and it's hurting me alot. physically, emotionally, and spiritually. it's okay though... i'll live, i guess.

]]> ~Sh4d0wW4lk3r http://Sh4d0wW4lk3r.deviantart.com/journal/15344065/ http://Sh4d0wW4lk3r.deviantart.com/journal/15344065/ Sat, 03 Nov 2007 10:08:16 PDT
i wanted to be clever, but this dream has nothing to do with aboriginies. 'tis an interesting dream. i learned something from it, actually.

my dream started (from the point i remember) at the mall. i was looking around, and infront of the store, there was a sale outside (sorta like a side walk sale but in the mall?). and there was this stack of decently sized duffle bags in various colors (dark blue, dark red, dark green). the major thing that stuck in my mind was the price $6.99. i picked up one of these duffle bags and realised that there was something in it, and it turns out there was a tent. so i bought it and conveniently was brought outside with my father, and were walking up a residential street.
we rounded a corner and entered, where a whole bunch of pot smokers from school were. i dont know the purpose of my visit, but i did notice that there were a whole bunch of cookies on a table and i snacked a bit on the crumbs. my father was all "don't eat those ones; their pot cookies." one of the kids over heard us and replied, "Naw, pot brownies are usually in those Glad containers, man... those are store bought. so i snarked a small brown chocolate chip cookie.
then, my dream transported me home, and i see a snake on my drive way between my house and garage. it didn't look threatening and was starting to head over to Snakerocks (the little rock outcropping by the shed), so i walked up the back steps silently, and slid open the back door.
Hiss!
lo and behold, an adder (snake) was sitting right there waiting for me. it was a small little thing. oddly shaped too. it looked like a spermy sorta, just black. and the "Body" the picture refers to, was smooth, not round like that. and looked roughly about 6 inches long. [link]
thatlittle bugger was fast though, and quickly sped past a rattlesnake, who was oblivious 'till now of my entrance. he didn't rattle himself at me, he just looked at me with glazed eyes as i went up to my room.
i go in, and i see a milk snake laying in my bed (or is it a tiger snake? i dont remember the rule here...). he wasn't threatening or anything. he just slept there, if not was ignoring me. i slowly moved to the other side of the room and picked up my brothers knife he left behind, and i left the room, making the fewest vibrations as possible.
i leave back to he living room, and i see more snakes have arrived. they slithered on the hardwood floor, reletively unnoticed by anyone except me. the one that caught my eye was a long-ish black one. maybe 2 or 3 feet long. no idea if it was poinsonous or not.
i looked in the kitchen, and see something dark below the kitchen sink, where my mom was.
"look out," my father or someone else said.
she moved away from the counter, and the rattlesnake rattled his tail in frustration of missing the catch. the adder swirved around and my father stepped on its neck, so it couldn't move it's head around to bite. the little creature was turning his head around and around, trying to either move to bite my father, or escape his grasp. the rest of his body was flailing around. he was getting loose though; each movement he made, a centimeter of room at the snakes head was becoming availible.
my mother grabbed a chef's knife from a drawer. she went over to the snake and grabbed it by the neck, pulling it out from under my father. the snake's tail was wavering around fast like a whip. it was slipping from her hand. the little one's body was stiffly hanging flat above the ground.
my father wen to grab a knife also. my mother swung at the creature, but she missed him barely. hissing loudly at the attempted attack, the adder glared defiantly at her. the hiss made her drop him.
i dont know why, but i felt a connection to the snake. i didn't want him to die, but i didn't want my family hurt either. i was torn between the 2 sides. and being torn, you are only a half. only one leg to go to each side, one arm, one lung, one side of the brain, one eye, one nostril.
one is useless.
i could not move. i could only watch as my dad lifted his knife above his head, and brought it down on the snake's face. with the last bit of life he had, he rattled his tail, and it got steadily weaker and weaker and the body became limp. the scene faded to black, and i awoke at that moment.

]]> ~Sh4d0wW4lk3r http://Sh4d0wW4lk3r.deviantart.com/journal/15235118/ http://Sh4d0wW4lk3r.deviantart.com/journal/15235118/ Fri, 26 Oct 2007 20:30:32 PDT i'm rather enjoying this time off work and school. i just dont like the fact that i'm getting the work without the social life that'd normally come with it. i'm able to regenerate and rest here, which i haven't truely had since.... i think summer of '05. but even then i'm not sure. i feel like i'm waking up refreshed now.
i have been at school a bit this last week though (against Teagy-Chan's advice). i have had assignments to turn in, assignments to pick up, and a social life i long to resume. i got to cuddle with my boyfriend today, for the first time in what has felt like a month. it wasn't really cuddles though, just me laying my head in his lap and him stroking my back in an effort to relax me. i thought i'd lull to sleep on him! StarClan, he's a comfy pillow.
everyone's afraid i'ma pass mono to him; i think i already did. i'll find out during november if it really is "the kissing disease".
speaking of StarClan, i'm in love with the Warriors series. read it. love it. enjoy it.
so, i have to explain the pack: sometime during my leave if absence, a group of my friends decided to start "the Pack". it's a hierarchy of our friends and their ranks. if you ever read the Warriors books, the hierarchy is sort of like that, except the senior warrior is the second in command, not the deputy (or senior warrior has a better head on her shoulders then him). our deputy is one of my Ex's, which i'll find out how it goes when we have our clan Gathering. it'll happen sometime in November hopefully (whenever my mono clears up.)

StarClan, i miss my boyfriend. i thought i'd sleep contentedly at the theatre with him there and in his lap... i've had trouble sleeping lately. i dont know why. i might also be getting an addiction to Tylenol PM because i can't get to sleep (which is probably just making it worse). i'm going to try and go without it tonight. we'll see how it goes.
mi novio said he'd come over to visit me and give me my birthday gift... it'll take him awhile to find it though! xD
it warms my heart to know that he's willing to try though... i might just call him and say "don't" so he doesn't waste his effort.
i wonder what it is.... something is telling me it's a necklace. that's what i tried to make with the last thing he gave me, but it fell off and i lost it forever after that.... T_T i'm excited though to see what happens though.
i dont want him getting lost or spending too much time trying to find my house when he's never been here though- so i might just say i'll accept it next time i'm at school.

i've had alot of dreams lately. none of which i remember well at the moment. i did have a feeling of immense freedom though after watching V for Vendetta.
"I shall die here. Every inch of me shall perish. Every inch, but one. An inch. It is small and it is fragile and it is the only thing in the world worth having. We must never lose it or give it away. We must NEVER let them take it from us." -Valerie from V for Vendetta
that quote ran through my head as i lied in bed, feeling free as a bird. free as Poultry's (my boyfriend's nickname) cousins, and siblings... i felt free from everything for about a minute before remembering to write it down before i forgot... that no matter what happens to me in this life, i'll still have that inch of myself. that i can never let it go, otherwise, i lose everything. and that no matter how much stress i go through or how much people torment my, i'll still have that inch.
nobody can ever take that away from me.

]]> ~Sh4d0wW4lk3r http://Sh4d0wW4lk3r.deviantart.com/journal/15146214/ http://Sh4d0wW4lk3r.deviantart.com/journal/15146214/ Sat, 20 Oct 2007 16:00:54 PDT i got most of my spanish work done today. i was planning on starting my geometry work, but then i got distracted. there's always tomorrow!

as you may have noticed, i changed my avatar. i didn't like my old one, and i was just waiting for something good to replace it. so sorry if none of ya'll recognize me at first!

i'm eating chips.

my birthday is on the 23rd, but i'll be home sick. happy birthday to me...

life is at a true standstill at the moment.

end of updates.

]]> ~Sh4d0wW4lk3r http://Sh4d0wW4lk3r.deviantart.com/journal/15083764/ http://Sh4d0wW4lk3r.deviantart.com/journal/15083764/ Tue, 16 Oct 2007 07:06:17 PDT groan.

]]> ~Sh4d0wW4lk3r http://Sh4d0wW4lk3r.deviantart.com/journal/14913625/ http://Sh4d0wW4lk3r.deviantart.com/journal/14913625/ Thu, 04 Oct 2007 14:16:13 PDT
GAH!

[edit]
i made a funny.
"a boyfriend is a hobby; he's something you enjoy doing"


]]> ~Sh4d0wW4lk3r http://Sh4d0wW4lk3r.deviantart.com/journal/14815121/ http://Sh4d0wW4lk3r.deviantart.com/journal/14815121/ Thu, 27 Sep 2007 14:54:33 PDT i went out to take pictures yesterday. you know how many shots i got (not good photos, but shots themselves)?

ONE.

yeah, you read that right. one. uno. moja (it's in swahilli). ichi.
i've lost my ability to take photos. i'm distressed.

i've got a new novio (boyfriend). he's cute. and he respects me! we haven't even kissed yet. he's actually respecting my space, and is letting me control things. i'm enjoying this. he's really nice, and warm and he has a soothing touch. i love his family too! they're excentric ^_^ i never thought i'd be this satisfied when i am so addicted to sexual-ish intimacy (yes, i am still a virgin. it somehow works out. thats why i said -ish). but, i think this will actually work. my last relationship was a disaster. i'm sure Alex will last.

i'm stage managing another production. it's going well. i'm working on finding out when i can get the costumes we need and arranging the contracts.

my new nickname is Dragonfly. here's why:
from wikipedia:
For some Native American tribes they represent swiftness and activity, and for the Navajo they symbolize pure water. Dragonflies are a common motif in Zuni pottery; stylized as a double-barred cross, they appear in Hopi rock art and on Pueblo necklaces.[7] It is said in some Native American beliefs that dragonflies are a symbol of renewal after a time of great hardship.

In Japan dragonflies are symbols of courage, strength, and happiness, and they often appear in art and literature, especially haiku. In ancient mythology, Japan was known as Akitsushima, which means "Land of the Dragonflies". The love for dragonflies is reflected by the fact that there are traditional names for almost all of the 200 species of dragonflies found in and around Japan.


thats all for now.

]]> ~Sh4d0wW4lk3r http://Sh4d0wW4lk3r.deviantart.com/journal/14495216/ http://Sh4d0wW4lk3r.deviantart.com/journal/14495216/ Tue, 04 Sep 2007 21:44:23 PDT
it rained at school today. a great welcome melody to the morning while awaiting the rumble and groan of the great yellow slug. drops of rain fell on my face and shoulders, slightly bleeding through the thin fabric of my black sweatshirt. i got on the bus, and thankfully, there arn't many annoying kids on there. it was actually fairly silent. but this is only tuesday. this is a recap of my day.

first period- spanish
ugggh. i hate my teacher. she has a VERY thick latin american accent, which makes it hard to figure out what she's saying. i only know one person in my class (besides one of my good friends who is switching to french) and i can barely talk to him. maybe i'll get better talking to him though. my teacher made us do stupid things though. le sigh.

second period- geometry
home of the brotherhood (me, aaron, and chris). yes, i am apart of the brotherhood, even though i am a chick. later on, we will talk about another name. my teacher for this class is notorious for being hard, but she doesn't seem that bad. and besides, i have the brotherhood to help me out. muhahahaha.

lunch-
not a class period, but it is interesting to say. all during lunch, i was pacing back and forth, screaming occasionally, and being very, for lack of a better term, twichy. this leads into my next period.

third period- biology
first 5 minutes of class: dead. silence. total quiet makes me uncomfortable. so, as everyone is silent, i'm sitting there, watching my teacher cut up a potato, giggling like mad. he puts the potato in the blender with a chemical, blends it, puts it in a flask, and it plops in there. then he put another chemical in there, and it foamed up. i giggled all through that, and then, anti-climatically, he said quietly "now write what you saw".
he made me laugh all period like i haen't laughed in awhile. it made me very happy with everything going on in my life. and, i've got lauren, and sascha, and alex and kostja in my class! i'm happy with this class. very happy.

fourth period- photography
uneventful. i ran into class, late as my teacher was closing the door, and he says, "Dana! my favorite person!" and lets me walk through without the humiliation he usually gives when your late. phew. brandon is in that class. thats fine. i love my teacher. i always spend class time talking to him, and it happened today again.

thats my school day. tomorrow, it will be my white day schedule.

]]> ~Sh4d0wW4lk3r http://Sh4d0wW4lk3r.deviantart.com/journal/14453451/ http://Sh4d0wW4lk3r.deviantart.com/journal/14453451/ Sun, 02 Sep 2007 09:37:40 PDT

1. spanish 1 (ugggghhh. bad teacher here. horribly afraid for my life)
2. biology
3. geometry
4. *photography (except because my class load is hella academic, this'll be more my study hall time then anything.... T_T atleast the teacher is the coolest old guy around)
5. *english (yeah, i'm excited for english. i just hope i'm awake enough in her class to impress her with my writings. i've heard she's a swell teacher.)
6. am. studies
7. *tech (this would get half a star. if we get a person kicked out whom i despise more then moldy cream cheese.


i'm stage managing another show. haha. you should have seen her face. she was all like:
her: "so, what year of college are you in?"
Me: [pause. hysterical laughter]
her: "ummm....?"
Me: "high school. sophomore."
her: [shocked face]

Michael (the artistic director of a theatre company here.) ended up making a nice endorsement for me, paining the AMW story for her with the bitch of an SM, and how i took over better then she did. and Ty (an actor i was working with) also gave me an endorsement, without even being aware of it! twas pretty sweet.

i'm missing my brother. her got offered to be an extra in a movie, but he didn't go. he wanted to look for a job. he would have gotten paid probably just for being there, so i'm surprised he didn't go in to try and network with people there. i mean, i know people that get paid $100 a day for being on a movie set, even if they only did an hours work. and $250 for a commercial. stupid move on his part, but oh well.

i'm really into astrology lately, and horoscopes. not predictions and stuff, but how i am based from all the planets positions. tis amazing stuff. i'm really excited. i'llcast my birth chart when i get more info.

i'm hungry. i'm in the mood for chinese at 9:30 in the morning.

]]> ~Sh4d0wW4lk3r http://Sh4d0wW4lk3r.deviantart.com/journal/14414504/ http://Sh4d0wW4lk3r.deviantart.com/journal/14414504/ Thu, 30 Aug 2007 17:38:18 PDT
another dream happened last night.



i was at a theatre, running a show. but this wasn't either of the 2 theatres i work for: the high school, or OSW. nope, this was BOTH, it felt like. the seats were the fancy ones at the school, a thrust stage like OSW, big floorspace and booth like the high school, and kids acting. except it looked like they were doing bits and pieces from CWS (complete works of shakespeare), but with different bits in it. the first act ran well.
intermission.
dream skips to the end of intermission, i climb up the ladder to the booth, and i see alot of people up there. i freak out, because nobody is supposed to be there. they stayed though. nobody left. i dont remember if i tried to kick them out or not. before i flashed the lights, i noticed someone touching one of my turn on spots. i couldn't help but lower my body, relax and softly moan. it turned out to be one of my brother's friends, and another one who's face i couldn't identify. he continued the action, after awhile, saying "should i let anyone know about this?" i shook him off then, because i had to do my job. he didn't touch me again.
i flashed the lights in the lobby, and turned down the house lights. i turned on the track (i was running both lights and sound), and some girls were singing a song. i hit a light cue where it was supposed to be, and it turns to a blackout during their song! they finish in blackout and go offstage, and i try and figure out what happened. turns out someone changed the cue i was on, or reset the entire board. so i flipped through my prompt book, looking for my cue . i knew it was the right page, but i couldn't see the number. it looked like LQ 168, but i couldn't see, it was too fuzzy- no matter how much light i put on it. i heard betsy's (my high school's drama teacher) voice ring out, "there's supposed to be some lights." i grumbled at her under my breath, but it sounded like a yell. the end of the dream was me hitting the "go" button on the board, and the lights hit my eyes as i woke up.

]]> ~Sh4d0wW4lk3r http://Sh4d0wW4lk3r.deviantart.com/journal/14168753/ http://Sh4d0wW4lk3r.deviantart.com/journal/14168753/ Tue, 14 Aug 2007 17:34:28 PDT i had a client to take her senior portrait! i'm very satisfied with my work. i'll see if they come out well though.
i'll update soon though- i promise!

]]> ~Sh4d0wW4lk3r http://Sh4d0wW4lk3r.deviantart.com/journal/14148047/ http://Sh4d0wW4lk3r.deviantart.com/journal/14148047/ Mon, 13 Aug 2007 11:24:26 PDT
first part was me on a island i visit when i go back east. theres about 8 houses i think on it, pathways into the interior to get to the other houses, and lots of trees between the center of the island to about 20-40 feet away from the ocean. everything was greener here then it usually is when i visit. and there was this one tree in front of my grandparents' old place. i dont know why, but i pulled out my lighter, and lit the thing ablaze. i watched it burn for alittle while, then ran away when a flaming branch fell through a pathway to the other side of the island. when i came back maybe 5 or 10 minutes later, the tree was still on fire. only ash remained on the ground, and some of the grass around it burned probably along the length of the roots, and then just stopped. i think i ran away again, and there was a gathering of people when i returned. i asked this guy what was going on and he said "arson" and stared into my eyes with a flame that rivaled that of the tree's actual blaze. i was approached by some police, but they found me innocent, but the guy's eyes were always upon me like a lioness watching the prey.

i wonder what that means....

]]> ~Sh4d0wW4lk3r http://Sh4d0wW4lk3r.deviantart.com/journal/14093121/ http://Sh4d0wW4lk3r.deviantart.com/journal/14093121/ Thu, 09 Aug 2007 16:03:29 PDT
it was graduation time. for some reason, it was being held at the coast (as opposed to being at the park here). my dream started waking on a green field next to a whole bunch of EZ-up tents and food and stuff. people were walking around me, and one guy walks by and puts a iguana behind a fence in between the tents. i put a iguana in the pen and get a smile from the guy next to me. but the iguana somehow gets through the barrier- almost like it goes through the fence, looks at me, and crawls away slowly without being caught.
i walk behind a hillside or a natural wall or gully or something and am in an ampatheater carved into the hillside. i sit there for alittle while, looking at the family thats sitting there, waiting. seeing that nobody was really coming then, i figured there was alot of time, and decide to hike back up to the road to the main street to get myself something to drink.
a van pulls up to me, and it's a cast member i'm working with and someone else i dont remember. the town looked like somi sewhewre i've been before. perhaps brookings of crescent city, but i'm not sure. we ended up going the wrong way, and had to go underneath the freeway entrance offroading it, and turned around. somehow, we magically (or just me being unobservant) get 3 or 4 other people in there freaking out about going offroad in that old beat up thing.
we go back up the road and go back to the fair place (i dont even remember getting my drink ;o; ). and i decide to walk on the beach. i ended up getting blindfolded and taken and thrown on a truck. i reconise afew voices- my brother, will, and sky. i heard 2 other voices 2, but i couldn't reconise them. we ended up stopping in a pavilion-thingy and we walked to some back room painted yellow and white. they took off the blindfolds and i saw Ian- a kid i went to Australia with whom i hadn't seen in 3 years (in the dream's context, 6 years). HE HAD BLONDE FACIAL HAIR! i think i laughed in my dream after that.
after that, the dream jumps to me walking through the lounge in the pavilion, where i see my friend Jamison. he is a.... polyamorous kind of guy, if you know what i mean. i was talking with him, and the only words that stuck out to me were "she's my third favorite girlfriend!" i go over to him, hold him really tightly, kiss him on the neck softly, and say who do you love more, her, or Wendy?" (the girl he's living with) i release him and he's silent for awhile, shakes his head from the kiss, goes over to the payphone thats right next to us, and calls someone. he gets an answering machine and he curses and hands the phone to me. i quickly hang up, saying i'm afraid to leave messages to those i dont know. he smiled, gave me a tight hug, kissed my shoulder and released me. he even gave me a short massage on my shoulder (my right one only), dispite his usual rule about 'never giving massages unless he wants to seduce them'.
2 boys end up busting through the door, pointed at me, then chased me out the other door, making me flee from Jamison. i run onto the beach, and see another boy running toward me. i find out that it's my friend Sterling when i get within a couple feet, and run into his arms in an embrace. suddenly, it strikes me that i need to be back at graduation, so i run on the beach up these steps that are basically packed sand, and it led up to another pavilion, which was nowhere close to where i needed to be. i woke up about halfway up those stairs.


-------------------------------------------------------------------------

i ended up picking up "the handbook of chinese horoscopes" by Theodora Lau the other day. i paid all $19 of it in quarters! xD
it is very true about who i am. i am very impressed with it's accuracy. i think after this, i need to pick up an astrology book, a book on modern shamanism, and maybe something on native indians. i found a local shop that sells all these neat little books.
when i get my paycheck, i'm going on a shopping spree.

i'm going through weird spurts. i haven't uploaded a new piece of photography in 3 months. THREE MONTHS! i'm ashamed of myself and am sorry i have not been able to put stuff up for you or to comment all your stuff. i'm just not feeling it anymore like what happened before. i haven't been able to write good poetry in about a year or 2. i haven't even been able to pick up my camera in the past... god knows how long! i'm sorry everyone.

]]> ~Sh4d0wW4lk3r http://Sh4d0wW4lk3r.deviantart.com/journal/13754704/ http://Sh4d0wW4lk3r.deviantart.com/journal/13754704/ Mon, 16 Jul 2007 09:01:11 PDT connecticut has been.... boring? i dont know if that's the right verb or not, or even if it's an adjective. my english language mastery has gone to hell, but atleast i FINALLY have some computer access. this may be the last time before i get back to oregon. so i figured a rant would be appropriate.
i'm current;y reading She who Remembers. i read through about a third of it yesterday. i am really bored here, but i dont want to finish my book too soon. it might come to that though. then i might start writing suicide notes. but nooooooo.... i cant do that either, i dont have any paper T_T so i cant even write out my frustrations. not that that'd help. i feel like people will read my stuff if i hand write something, and everything doesn't flow out of my hand freely that way. or fingers. or whatever.
i'm huuuuungry. any chance i can take a sammich along with me? no? damn. i'm as hungry as a bear. grrrrrrrr.
i keep slipping into quotes from my plays i've been doing this summer, the compleat works of wllm shkspr abridged and durang durang.
i am bored. text me please on mi cellular phono? i'll give you my celly numero if i'm comfortable with ya'll. i'll send you peeps a note.
i want a hug.
hmmmm... this has been a long rant and mi madre hasn't returned.... probably decided to fold laundry herself... stupid lady, folding laundry is for Christopher to bring to the russian tearoom...
DAMNIT I MISS MY CASTS! i miss jamison, i miss sam, i miss lisa-marie, i miss everyone. i especially miss jamison's hugs.... best fucking hugs ever!
she returned now. i think thats mu cue to finish up. i'll see you.

]]> ~Sh4d0wW4lk3r http://Sh4d0wW4lk3r.deviantart.com/journal/13478966/ http://Sh4d0wW4lk3r.deviantart.com/journal/13478966/ Mon, 25 Jun 2007 00:04:18 PDT
]]> ~Sh4d0wW4lk3r http://Sh4d0wW4lk3r.deviantart.com/journal/13340338/ http://Sh4d0wW4lk3r.deviantart.com/journal/13340338/ Thu, 14 Jun 2007 09:03:29 PDT
stalker
yup. i have got a stalker. the most disgusting kid in the word other then kyle (the 8th grade pedophile [he already has the pedosmile, thasts why i say this]). he seems to follow me everywhere. he's started hanging around in the area where my group chills, he's joined in my PE out of nowhere and is always trying to get close to me. he also trys to touch me at any sorta okay opporotunity that arises. if it was in moderation, it'd be fine, but DAMN, he overdoes it. it's so gross. anyways, i yelled at him today as i went into the library. i felt accomplished.

finals
are almost done. i have english final todaqy and then, as the Alice Cooper song (I think it was him anyways) said, "SCHOOL'S OUT FOR SUMMER". i alread did this final on tuesday though, so i'm basically here because i have to be here to pass the class, and because i have to be in town for rehearsal. the final for this class and global studies (they were combined) was an i-search, where we have to make a speech, write a research paper, and make a product. mine was on photography. it was a collection of photos i printed/got prints of on a fancy poster board. i may take a photo of it (would this be considered a stock photo?). my math final i BOMBED. i did not feel confidant about have of my answers... i think i might have got 60%, ehich is odd because the test i had before it i got 100%. but it wont knock me down too much. i'll pass with a B, i'm sure. photography was a joke of a final, where we watched a movie (which i ditched in favor of getting food and seeing past teachers). i got excused from study skills (hall basically) so i had alot of time to kill. PE was a written test that was relitively easy except for afew questions. stage management was.... amusing. Dave, the carpenter for the class that helps us all out, might not be there anymore. ;.; i'm a sad panda. and i got to chill with one of my friends as i cleaned the girl's and guy's dressing rooms.

ASM
i'm the assistant stage manager for a show at a theatre in town. the complete works of shakespeare abridged. it is HALLARIOUS. see it if you ever get the chance. that show and being around those people is very therapudic for me because i'm with one of my most favorite actors ever, everyone makes me laugh, and i have FUN doing my work. i may only be getting paid $50 for my entire summers' work, but it is worth it for the spiritual and emtional rewards i get from being around there. seriously, i live for the community theatre. the school theatre... yeah, it's a great space, but it's high school theatre. there's too much drama, and everyone's too high strung.

Gerry's
the Gerry's are an awards ceremony at our high school(kinda like the emmies or grammies). people in the class present awards such as "best senior tech" or "best plutonic couple" or "best villian". they also do skits and other sorts of things during it. for one thing, i had to run up the stairs to the cats- IN HEELS AND A DRESS- to lower swings. go down again for awhile to be on headset, run BACK UP in my heels and then drop balloons down on the seniors. seniors got special things that symbolised their accomplishments or something memorable. that night was the first time i EVER wore heels. they were about an inch to an inch and a half. not too high, but big enough for a newbie.)it was also the first time i wore a dress since kindergarten. everyone said i looked pretty. i think i will have to buy myself a fancy dress soon. i need one. i had to borrow my dress and heels and all my stuff from the costume room at my school. i was kinda embarrassed, but it was all i could do.



wow. i'm bored as hell. i've still got 45 minutes to kill before my next final. this has taken me a half hour to type in total. and it should have taken me the entire time before finals. i think time is slowing down immensely.

a Devin Townsend Band quote from the album "Zeltiod the Omnicient"-
"I'm so omnicient that if there were two omnicients, i'd be BOTH!"

it made me giggle.

i've been stuck here in the library/teachers lounge since 7:30. finals stat at 9:30. it's 8:50 now. i ended up going into the teachers loung... ]]> ~Sh4d0wW4lk3r http://Sh4d0wW4lk3r.deviantart.com/journal/12981943/ http://Sh4d0wW4lk3r.deviantart.com/journal/12981943/ Wed, 16 May 2007 19:02:23 PDT
we went to eat at a restaurant here where they serve falafals and gyros, and souvalaki and baklava and all that good stuff. so, we look at the prints, and i almost puked. some of those photos hanging up were a DISGRACE. i copuld do better the ones hanging up. i mean, one being sold was of a coy fish- which wasn't even focused and it was blurry- selling for $75.
now, i know i could do better then that. by the way, i pity the poor fool who does decide to buy it.

my dad thinks the same thing about his shots. so, hes saying we should have a competition to see who's prints will sell faster.

so, i need advice. which are the top 5 prints you think will sell? i'm hoping to sell them for $100-$150 for an 8x10 print with a nice frame if i can find one.

please help, everyone who reads this.

]]> ~Sh4d0wW4lk3r http://Sh4d0wW4lk3r.deviantart.com/journal/12941447/ http://Sh4d0wW4lk3r.deviantart.com/journal/12941447/ Sun, 13 May 2007 12:17:23 PDT
i just realised that.

time really flew this year. then again, even yesterday seems far away. is this normal to feel this way? feel like that even something that happened not 24 hours ago feels like a lifetime away? perhaps it's just that i'm so distant from everyone- even my best friends. that the happiest memories are like stars strewn up in the sky- there are thousands there, but only 2 or 3 i have the strength to hold onto.

they're preparing to supernova though. they'll explode soon.
where will i go then? what happy moment will keep me attached to this world? will the stars all be gone? will i have no light in ay no more?

the candles my friends are holding are even starting to go out. i even notice it. the smoke clouds the room around me. i think i'm getting dizzy from it.

" "Save your tears cause I'll come back"
I could hear that you whispered as you walked through that door
But still I swore
To hide the pain when I turn back the pages
Shouting might have been the answer
What if I'd cried my eyes out and begged you not to depart
But now I'm not afraid to say what's in my heart.
~1000 words "sweetbox"

is it right that i feel this way? i'm much too young to feel this damn old.

]]> ~Sh4d0wW4lk3r http://Sh4d0wW4lk3r.deviantart.com/journal/12850912/ http://Sh4d0wW4lk3r.deviantart.com/journal/12850912/ Sat, 05 May 2007 10:39:54 PDT i may get her a new zoom lems if they fit at all. FOR FREE. the photography teacher loves me here. XD
i also may inherit a huge amount of cameras that dont work! for afew hundred bucks, i could repair them (that is if the cameras are broken, most probably just need to get a battery change and he's checking them out this weekend i think.)
so, yeah, i'm not dead everybody- just pretty inactive due to school and theatre and stuff...

i'm updating ALOT today and maybe in the next few days. i hope ya'll enjoy!

]]> ~Sh4d0wW4lk3r http://Sh4d0wW4lk3r.deviantart.com/journal/12766740/ http://Sh4d0wW4lk3r.deviantart.com/journal/12766740/ Sat, 28 Apr 2007 12:50:11 PDT sorry folks!

By Monday (some tomorrow and today, but whatever)
1. finish story board (and actually come up with an idea
2. finish GS reading in W. History book.
4. (if possible) read "animal farm" (if not, read the spark notes)
7. talk to Karli and see if she wants me over or not
8. mow the lawn (uggggggggg.... so thick...)
9. prep for math test (PST+CR Odds, Make 3x5 note card of math notes for test,

Sunday:
go to rehearsal; picked up by Sage
-inspect costumes, watch the play, help Sage w/ whatever needs to be done.

tuesday:
bring potluck food stuffs (1 meal and side dish for 5 people.

whenever is convienient:
-meet with Kathleen and Michael about community service (over a cup of coffee would be nice )
-call Dan up and go out for tea

]]> ~Sh4d0wW4lk3r http://Sh4d0wW4lk3r.deviantart.com/journal/12759264/ http://Sh4d0wW4lk3r.deviantart.com/journal/12759264/ Fri, 27 Apr 2007 20:17:42 PDT the days of inspiration playin hookey
makin somethin out of nothin.
the need to express to communicate.
goin against the grain, going insane, goin mad.
to loving tension, no pension to more
than one dimmension, to striving for attention.
hating convention, hating convention.
not to mention of course hating dear old mom and dad
to riding your bike mid-day past the three peice suits,
to fruits, to no absolutes.
to absolute, to choice, to the village voice to any passing fad.
to being an us for once, instead of a them.

to hand-crafted beers made in local breweries.
to yoga, to yogurt to rice and beans and cheese.
to leather, to dildos, to curry vindaloo.
to huevos rancheros and maya angelou.

emotion, devotion, to causing a comotion.
creation, vacation
mucho masturbation
compasion to fashion,
to passion when its new

to suntag, to sondheim, to anything taboo.
gingsberg, dylan, cunningham, and cage

lenny bruce
langston hughes
to the stage

to uta
to buhda
pablo neruda too

why dorthey and toto went over the rainbow to blow off aunty em

bisexuals, trisexuals, homosapians,
carcinogens, hallucinogens,
men, peewee herman.
germen wine, terpentine,
gertrude stein,
antonioni, bertolucci,
kurosawa, Carmina Burana

to apathy, to entropy, to empathy, ecstacy.
vaclev havel, the sex pistols, 8bc.
to no shame, never playing the fame game.
to marriguana!
-Rent; La Vie Boheme
(i cut afew lines. i wanted to make this as clear as possible.)

i thought this was fitting for whats going on lately. not nescessarily to me, but just some of what i've noticed lately. with everyone- friends, myself, aquaintences, strangers, just every one and everything.

]]> ~Sh4d0wW4lk3r http://Sh4d0wW4lk3r.deviantart.com/journal/12695996/ http://Sh4d0wW4lk3r.deviantart.com/journal/12695996/ Sun, 22 Apr 2007 18:34:37 PDT
i'm gonna take pictures of all my friends and everyone and everything tomorrow. cause photography preserves the past before i lose it all. captures it for eternity....
tuesday, i'm taking in my film camera. maybe. depending on how i feel. it'll be much easier to have it if i do portraits. the school cameras dont even have a zoom lens, or a filter XD

i am planning on buying a macro lens soon. that'll deffinately help me with my close up shots. any idea how much they cost...? i'm assuming $75, but i need to know so i can plan my money out.

yes... scrapbooking will be funnnnnnn.... hehehehe...

sorry, ranting skills arnt working at the moment.

EDIT: i have been whoring the "random deviant" button lately. sadly, i haven't been that impressed. and the exposure from it hasn't been that great either...

]]> ~Sh4d0wW4lk3r http://Sh4d0wW4lk3r.deviantart.com/journal/12660332/ http://Sh4d0wW4lk3r.deviantart.com/journal/12660332/ Thu, 19 Apr 2007 20:16:33 PDT will i lose my dignity?
will someone care?
will i wake tomorrow
from this nightmare?
-"Will I" from Rent

]]> ~Sh4d0wW4lk3r http://Sh4d0wW4lk3r.deviantart.com/journal/12523707/ http://Sh4d0wW4lk3r.deviantart.com/journal/12523707/ Mon, 09 Apr 2007 11:20:05 PDT i'll hopefully get some pictures up if they come out well. i've got alot i need to upload.

--------------------------------------------------------------

i'm sorry for everything,. seriously. i'e been a burden on alot of people, and i dont know how to help mysel. i feel like i'm walking through water right now. maybe i feel so clouded that i'm getting drunk off the air around me. and this is the emo drunk moment. i've never actually been really drunk though. i dont think that'd be a good idea. i think i ended up getting an very light buzz (and by light, i mean barely anything, but still present) from just an ounce or 2 of a corona. then again, that was about 2 yearsw ago and my body hadn't developed as much as i have now. i also appoogise for my lack of updates. i'm gonna do some sewing soon and make something prettyful. with CHAINS!

tis only a symbol inside that i will forever be bound.

but it'll look pretty.

i REALLY want to sew. ever since i've started being in the costume room at work, i've wanted to learn and make my clothing cooler. i think i should check out the sewing class and see if it'll be offered next year. that'd be fun.

ofcourse if i did that, my parents and my brother would laugh at me for persuing the fashion world. damnit, why does everything that sounds interesting become a dissappointment? why cant i be praised? why am i always the one at loss? where did that chick's ramen come from that's sitting about 5 feet away from me?

can i have some...?

i feel sick inside. honestly. as soon as i was done with my section quiz for my global studies class, i felt like i was going to throw up after eating my muffin some of my muffin.

i still do.

my vision is kinda fuzzing in and out. it's such a tremendus effort to keep myself from showing these tears.

each streak of water that drip down my cheek is merely an invisible scar.

why do i hurt s badly inside? why is it only getting worse? why did this pain suddenly start in the last week? it's only reached it's extremes in the last 2-3 days. i pray this is the climax and everything will be okay in the next little while. i ache for release from pain's tight grip.

her touch burns my heart.

]]> ~Sh4d0wW4lk3r http://Sh4d0wW4lk3r.deviantart.com/journal/12369883/ http://Sh4d0wW4lk3r.deviantart.com/journal/12369883/ Wed, 28 Mar 2007 23:34:17 PDT my dreamless sleep barely keeps me rested. each morning i taste the kiss of a Vaniella Latte. she tastes soooo good. a hint of cinnimon and nutmeg blended together in creamyness. each day, it's like the first kiss of 2 lovers- deep, rich, enthralling, yet hesitant at first. at the touch, it warms one's bosom almost instantly as the hot liquid travels down.
awoken at night, it is almost impossible to return to sleep. the silent prayers in my mind for Queen Mab to return and once again return me to the world of dreams rarely gets granted. for what seems like hours at a time, i stare at the cieling. the pattern seems too morph as my eyes try to adjust and focus in the dark. from eyes staring back into the mirrors of my soul, to phoenix's flying above me and dropping a feather so i may feel the flame of rebirth. it may be only an illusion, but how i crave that healing that comes with it.

God, give me a Phoenix Down so i may recover. so i can heal.

"a man's enemies are the men of his own house." -Micah 7:6

ick. i feel sick. and nowhere near able to sleep, even if i can feel the heavy doors of my eyes growing heavier and heavier with the minute.
maybe if 10 minutes pass, i'll be okay.

hooray for depression and the wonderful inspiration that comes from it!
supposedly, a lack of sleep is supposed to be linked with depression due to a lack of serotonin flowing through your brain or veins or whatever. perhaps thats why i feel like shit. ofcourse, i shouldn't be bitching about my lack of sleep. my tiredness. i've got wayyyyyy too many friends who are lucky to get three hours ad seem to be "okay" energy wise.

or maybe it's to cover up the the wounds and the cracks on their hearts.

ofcourse, i could be oversleeping, making me feel the effects of one of the deadly sins: sloth. nobody knows how dangerous an idle mind really is. think about it. we all cry it- "I'M BOR3D!!!11!1!2!ONE!". what to do with that wasted, constructive energy? i dunno. one of the only things that give rise to get out of sloth is lust. and where do we get our lust? well, heres a bit now at the top of my myspace page! what can we do about our lust then?

LETS GO TO THE TITTY BAR!

and guess what they serve there besides a plethora of sex, STD's and barely clothed ladies? alcohol- leading to gluttany. as well at the strip club, another deadly sin broods under the flesh of everyone there- greed- especially of the strippers. whoever has the most one dollar bills most certaintly gets the most attention of the female "merchandise". all the feminine attention could make this man's chest swell with pride. ofcourse, theres always that poor shmuck in the corner, glaring at the man with all the cash and all of the maidens fair. his stare is black and grim, and if you looked into his eyes, you could feel knives stab into you just from his piercing gaze.
envy, and logically wrath to go along with it. someone's flirting with the green-eyed monster! <3

see how everythings connected? how a little bit of inactivity can cause so much to spiral around it? cause and effect. domino effect. traveling far and fast, all stemming from whatever you do.
that is not to say a moment to relax is bad. it's that when it's taken to the level where relaxing isnt your main interest- it's laying there like a used tampon in the back alley of new york city where that prosititute with crabs is working the street corner. she'll only be replaced with the next skank tomorrow night when she takes a rest from the kinky night with her 'customer'- complete with whips, chains, and the blade that- with the softest carress, slit open her skin like the parting of the seas. crimson liquid dribbled out only to further his passions with her life essence. only becoming drunk off of her blood.

i feel more awake then i did before. thats a shame. damn this "second wind".
i'll become friends again with those swirling images. maybe they'll grace me with the thing i desire most right now....

time to embrace warmth of my bedsheets and cuddle with the purple teddy bear.

.... i wish i could cuddle right now with a real person....

]]> ~Sh4d0wW4lk3r http://Sh4d0wW4lk3r.deviantart.com/journal/12276210/ http://Sh4d0wW4lk3r.deviantart.com/journal/12276210/ Wed, 21 Mar 2007 19:20:28 PDT
I am missing Peter.

I dont even have anyone here for me to be with. I might as well just wander the streets alone forever. Becoming friends with the long streches of white lines that seem to extend forever like a baby’s curious fingers. Let us pray the child doesn’t stick his fingers within the outlet...

"Down beside where the river bed sleeps
is a man not knowing what he should feel.
Mocked by the wave that beats the waters edge.
There, for the grace of god, go I."
-Flogging Molly, "Grace Of God Go I"

The rustle of newly born leaves even mock me. They have a reason to live- to grow. To spread. It all seems so simple, but what’s stopping me? What am I supposed to do? Sit here and just grow? Maybe pass my blood to other generations so they can just go through the same process I went through?
Lather, rinse, repeat.

]]> ~Sh4d0wW4lk3r http://Sh4d0wW4lk3r.deviantart.com/journal/11759925/ http://Sh4d0wW4lk3r.deviantart.com/journal/11759925/ Sat, 10 Feb 2007 12:15:00 PST last nigth, while my mom was sleeping and my dad was chilling with one of his friends, i got a call from Tim. Tim was a guy i worked with when i was the Assistant Stage Manager for my last community theatre production. he gave me a call last night. he said he was talking with the stage manager of the show he's doing and she said she needed another stage hand to help out. Tim told me that he suggested me to her, and when my buddy Scott (and actor i worked with from my last 2 community theatre shows) chimed in, told her all about me and how good i was. i called their SM back, and (Sadly) had to decline the offer of helping them. i really, REALLY wanted to. after all, i'd get to work with Scott again. but sadly, since i'm apart of the Stage Management class and already have prior comitments to the High School theatre and (Maybe) the cabaret, i cannot take on another show. the run of the high school play goes through the run of the play that Tim was telling me about. i wouldn't be able to do that at all. however, i told him and their SM that they should give me a call when they have their next show and to keep me in mind for the future.

for the high school show, i am one of the assistant props managers. i'm under my friend Anna. my friend Rocky is the other assistant props manager. however, because Anna does Rowing too, she wont be there every night. because of that, she'll hand the reins off to me when she's gone and then Rocky will be my assistant. i'm honored to be so trusted in my tech class. i think it's because i helped so much in Rumors too, and that i have all these connections with alot of the people in the class. who knows, i may be able to stage manage one of the other events next year!

i was talking to Doug (one of our set designers and mentors), and he was talking to me about maybe becoming apart of the paid tech crew! i was suprised by this since i'm not insured yet, nor have i done much building. hell, i dont even know how i use a screw gun! lol. i dont know if i can always be apart of it though. after all, with my community theatre networking, i might not be able to do the high school theatres stuff all the time.

in conclusion, i am in high demand in the local theatre circuit. at this rate, i'll end up working (PAID) for the regional theatre around here by the end of my high school career.



photography:
i havent had a good photo in awhile. i cant take them right now. i just havent had the insipration nor the will to take photos. i hope i'll be able to get some 2 weeks from now, where i will be able to take pictures in class. but i dont know.

i might get a photo job for the school paper. i dont know what or when, but my friend John said he'd tell me about any photo jobs that need doing.



nothing else to report.
~Dana

]]> ~Sh4d0wW4lk3r http://Sh4d0wW4lk3r.deviantart.com/journal/11741527/ http://Sh4d0wW4lk3r.deviantart.com/journal/11741527/ Thu, 08 Feb 2007 22:30:27 PST
It's strange, looking at the world from a new prospective. So rarely so we get a good overview of the world. I heard some shrieks, some groans, some laughs, murmurs and- through all the loud noise- a certain silence. I don't know what happened, but I think something clicked in my mind. All the things that are going on, it's all so fake. All so much bigger then they really are. The beings below me were smaller then they seemed on the ground. Everything from above seemed so small. Even if I was detached a little, I felt like I was spoken to a little bit from a higher being. God, or maybe my real spirit finally breaking through this shell we call flesh.

Some of the worries we have… looking from the higher prospective made it look unreal. Unimportant. Taking the time to look at life from another angle kind of changed how I thought a little bit.

I hope this lesson sticks. That's why I'm writing about it… so it sticks in my mind like paper mache paste (it's still stuck on my fingers from tech class today!).



personl mumbo jumbo. read if you want, but the following isn't anything especially inportant to you all, i assume.

News in my life:
Apprenticeship update:

I don't know how many of you I've told, but I almost officially have an apprenticeship to the cabaret theatre. Either they or I will call around March; problem is it might interfere with the high school production. I'm going to try and balance both. I think I can, but I don't know. If I can, I can't go in as much as I'd like to due to the fact that I'd have to juggle 2 shows. So maybe a few hours at the cabaret before I have to run back to the high school till I have a day off from that. It's going to be CRAZY!

Newspaper:

I'm a photographer for the high school newspaper. Very neat stuff. I got one of my pictures on the FRONT PAGE. I also did some pictures from the fine arts festival. I'm going to get more assignments from him later too, and may submit some of my pictures to he journalism class to see f they want to write a story about me, or the subject in the photo. I don't know, but I'm excited.

Not much else so far.
~Dana

]]> ~Sh4d0wW4lk3r http://Sh4d0wW4lk3r.deviantart.com/journal/11665876/ http://Sh4d0wW4lk3r.deviantart.com/journal/11665876/ Fri, 02 Feb 2007 23:41:10 PST
"Do you feel like a man,
when you push her around?
do you feel better now,
as she falls to the ground?"

those lines made me shed a tear or 2.


this song has given me some inspirattion though. i think i'm going to experiment with make up. bruises. this experimentation might add a new depth to some of my art.

--- personal rant, mostly me bitching. dont read if you dont want to hear me being selfish and kinda bitchy---
everyone around me seems to be taking advantage of me and has been getting on my nerves it seems. my classmates.... uggggh. lets put it simply: i hate the freshman class. most of them. some are cool, but DAMNIT you guys can mature just alittle bit!
people- i think, have been taking advantage of my weakness as of late. i feel like i'm being used. it sounds obsurd, but i have a feeling that nobody wants me around unless ytey want something or are looking for advice. maybe i'm being negative though. i'm very kind- or so people tell me. but can i be forever? is it any wonder that i feel so bad inside when people wont even keep their promises to me like they said they would for christmas? when i try to be everyones shoulder to cry on, but have no way to dispose of this except for tears, claw marks, and a burning, lasting scar upon my heart? when is it my turn, huh? where can i go to get one of those reassuring embraces that cause a warmth to eminate from my bosom? everyones getting so fake now. hugs arnt even real. i feel like i'm one of the last who gives real hugs.
i'm probably being overcritical though. this is all stemming from my mother probably. cause i never felt loved by her. and because of her, it made me get false images of my father being a bad guy when he was really protecting me. when i was young, and my mom had migraines, dad would shoot a glance to kill to me and my brother if we dropped something loudly or was loud. it was to protect us from moms lashing out at us falsely for just a simple accident, but it's had lasting effects.
i just shed 2 tears. maybe 3.
because of this... method of keeping me quiet, i think this is why i feel shy and socially akward alittle bit. making noise is something i cant stand, which is why i hate my freshman class- cause none of them can shut up. probably why theatre is good for me too- i have to be quiet backstage, which is good. i hate asking for help and aid, because of my mothers example. i also took up the bottling up problems thing from mom too. i'm terrible cause of her... almost everything thats messing me up now stems from her directly or indirectly.
"she said 'i've finally had enough' "

]]> ~Sh4d0wW4lk3r http://Sh4d0wW4lk3r.deviantart.com/journal/11546851/ http://Sh4d0wW4lk3r.deviantart.com/journal/11546851/ Tue, 23 Jan 2007 20:44:16 PST i appologise for jumping to comclusions...

]]> ~Sh4d0wW4lk3r http://Sh4d0wW4lk3r.deviantart.com/journal/11521572/ http://Sh4d0wW4lk3r.deviantart.com/journal/11521572/ Sun, 21 Jan 2007 18:19:44 PST
dana ish jazzed about this.

sadly though, i think someone might have stolen one of my pictures and used it in the paper under someone elses name. i realised this today as i was going through some of the pictures i took for the paper to possibly be used. i need to double check this, but damn am i pissed about this.

but then i'm happy cause i got on the front page.

but the (possibly) stolen one is on there too...

checking into this tomorrow morning if i recover from my illness enough (unlikely). and hopefully am going to pull out all the research notes, paper, product and prep for my presentation. all in one and a half hours (okay, maybe not the product... i'll use art time for that... since i dont have a final ready for that either.)

]]> ~Sh4d0wW4lk3r