http://search.deviantart.com/?q=by:Shawn-Reed&section=today deviantART RSS for by:Shawn-Reed en-us Copyright 2009, deviantART.com Tue, 15 Dec 2009 18:37:56 PST deviantART.com http://blogs.law.harvard.edu/tech/rss http://s.deviantart.com/minish/widgets/apple-touch-icon-precomposed.png http://Shawn-Reed.deviantart.com/journal/28822312/ http://Shawn-Reed.deviantart.com/journal/28822312/ Tue, 08 Dec 2009 10:01:29 PST We got the lights untangled, fixed up the missing bulbs, all the while with one cat or another playing the 'What's That? Let's frap it!' game. Then I got the lights around the tree with a little assistance, and mom came out to help dad with the tinsel chains. No ornaments... but honestly, I like it better this way. Simpler looking, and in my mind more elegant- not overdone.

Y'know the Christmas song with 'Through the years, we all will be together... let the yule tide reign.' ...Quite exactly. At least here, in America, we've pretty much all been raised on the same Christmas songs. And oh, how some of them annoy me- I really despise the Twelve Days of Christmas. And Carol of the Bells gives me goosebump shiver chills every time I hear it done well... but that's not the point. Point is, it's something we -all- can relate to. Well, all as a generality- but I sometimes wonder if in other parts of the world the same Christmas songs are being sung?

What's there worth celebrating? Nothing. Everything. We can come up with our own reasons... but celebrating, as we do, Christmas- is truly unifying. Me, ... I have my own little enjoyment some of you may know by now; I dream of a holiday called the Long Night. In which, the darkness and loneliness are the enemies- in which on this night being surrounded by either may mean no one ever hears from you again. So the people come together... two, three, families, strangers, roudy parties and quiet gatherings- to celebrate life, and be filled with what it means to be alive. On this night, every person is privvy to a story. Often more- for it is a time for memories and dreams, past and present. To be safe in the sight of another who will remember you, and to grant protection with your presence. A truly gratifying feeling. Good food, good music, and most importantly, stories. Whether new, or heard before from somewhere else. To tell a story to another person is to stave off the cold chill of death that seeks to snuff the mortal spark, much as an icy wind might seek to blow out a candle. To stand with back to the wind, protecting that candle, that is the act of telling a story that is heard and can be repeated... it matters less if it is or not, but the best stories tend to find their way down the years.

And here is sincerely, epically good news, my friends. I have begun writing again! With a little help and a little effort- and there is a story I have in mind to share with you all. Mind you, the writing I've begun on again isn't writing I'll post to deviantart, but I feel that I can bring a story to you, nonetheless, just for the occasion.

Because, sincerely... there's something in me that believes in The Long Night more than my logical mind can say it doesn't exist. In this world, it's incarnation is Christmas. That doesn't mean Christmas is the only grand celebration out there, somewhere.



Also, my CD list music contest is still going on- I haven't had anyone show signs of being interested in participating yet. If I get even one entry, hey, they're getting a six month Deviantart membership. Yes indeed! The rules are pretty simple-

Make a list of 20 songs, arranged to tell a story. It can be a simple story or an epic one, but better judging for lists that have a sensible flow- beginning, middle, end, where any person listening can pick up on the general nature of what's happening.
If I ask, you need to be able to provide reference to any of the songs- ie, I need to be able to hear the list of songs to judge it.
Bonus points for songs I really like, songs I've never heard before (extra for both), and stylistic harmony (ie, the songs sound like they're supposed to be where they are on the list).

That's it! That's all; now go have fun! I'll also be posting lists I recieve, because the whole purpose of this is the same as creating art. It's a unique form of art. Thusly I'll be displaying lists I recieve for public perusal- y'might find some music you'd like in there somewhere, I'm hoping.


*coughherm* Err, lastly... my Bi... ]]> ~Shawn-Reed http://Shawn-Reed.deviantart.com/journal/28695662/ http://Shawn-Reed.deviantart.com/journal/28695662/ Tue, 01 Dec 2009 17:11:03 PST
So here's the deal:

You create a CD playlist of 20 songs in order to tell a story. Compile the list of song names with their band/artist in order and send that to me (either here or in deviantnote). All entries will be considered, but any entry may be called upon to provide any of the songs included (this can be done either through a url link to the song somewhere on the net, or, sending the song via e-mail - just ask me if you don't have it. ) -Failure to provide a requested song in some fashion by the end of the contest would disqualify the songlist entry the song is included within. Multiple entries are accepted and encouraged.

I will be judging each entry based on the sense that when put together the songs create an overall story (extra points for interesting/epic), the 'smoothness' of the transitions from song to song (sensible, not jarring changes, aesthetic flow), and the feeling of completeness the list provides- why songs are organized the way they are and that there's an opening, middle, and end. Small amounts of extra points for songs I -really- like, and songs I've never heard before. (yes, both if a song is both ;D ) A song does not need to have lyrics, instrumentals are possible; styles of song can vary but it's preffered that when put together they sound like a story or symphonic poem (usually abstract) put in song.

Considering the questionable nature of what creates a good list, I've decided to give an example: one of my self created lists to get a basic framework from, though I encourage individuality. I shall provide other examples as time goes by.

Example: (created on Thanksgiving expressing my thoughts about my romantic life in general - a story of self)
1. Prelude 12/21 - AFI
2. Misguided - Alias/Styrofoam/Valerie Trebeljahr
3. Silver and Cold - AFI
4. Do You Hear Me - Adema
5. Looking Glass - The Birthday Massacre
6. The Missing Frame - AFI
7. Empty Days - Augustana
8. ...But Home is Nowhere - AFI
9. The Remembrance Ballad - Atreyu
10. In This River - Black Label Society
11. The End Is Here - Alter Bridge
12. Far From Here - Alissa Moreno
13. Change Your Mind - The All American Rejects
14. Everything's Magic - Angels & Airwaves
15. Precious Illusions - Alannis Morissette
16. Move Along - The All American Rejects
17. Swing Life Away (acoustic) - Rise Against
18. Spoke In the Wheel - Black Label Society
19. Thank U - Alannis Morissette
20. The Adventure Final - Angels & Airwaves



Additionally... and this has nothing to do with the contest: I discovered a whole slew of songs I like that *gasp* I don't have! So if anyone actually has any, and might be willing to send them... ^_^" I dunno how I can repay you but you can ask me if you'd like anything.

Focus- Negative Format
Sheep- Neal Fox
Hope Street- The Hint
Forty Dollars- The Twilight
Satellite Song- Wiretree
Boy of the Stars- Glint
The Shame of Life- Butthole Surfers
Dull Life- Yeah Yeah Yeahs
Typical- Mute Math
The Loyal- Tiger Lou
We Believe, We Believe- Wumpscut
Change For You- Midway State
Galaxy Queen- Golden Bear
Trekka- Puscifer
Apology- Safetysuit
Letting Go- Glint
Timew of Romance- The Lovemakers
Legion- VNV Nation
Move- CSS
Teen Age Riot- Sonic Youth
Diminish Me- Imperative Reaction
Figurehead- Covenant
Gunman- Funker Vogt
A Small Definition- Superchunk
Venus- Butthole Surfers
Cal the Ships to Port- Covenant
Haunting- Balance
Longevity- Assemblage 23
Start to Realise- Huma
Norman Bates- Burning of Rome
Adagio for Strings- Tiesto
Kathy's Song- Apoptygma
Strange Days- Syntax
Border- Pride and Fall
City of Darkness- Funker Vogt
My Drug- Cherry Falls
You Waste Time Like a Grandfather Clock- The Myriad
Indigo Children- Puscifer
Delivery Room- Zookeeper
M.F.A.P.L. 2008- Neuroticfish
Northern Whale- The Good, the Bad & the Queen
Under Attack- Woodhands
Descent- VNV Nation
Epicentre- VNV Nation
Dozo- Puscifer
The Dark Inside Me- Velvet Acid Christ
Rush- Wumpscut
I Seen Beyonce- Cazwell
I Can't Stop- Laakso
Rise (The Dog Barks)- Ryan Cabrera
2D- Covenant
Roscoe- Midlake
Target- Embrace
Mindphlux (Trip Zone)- Ve... ]]> ~Shawn-Reed http://Shawn-Reed.deviantart.com/journal/28418588/ http://Shawn-Reed.deviantart.com/journal/28418588/ Tue, 17 Nov 2009 16:59:49 PST Facebook l Gallery l dA Portfolio l Watch Me l Note Me

Y'all need to hear this nifty-awesome story: so, I got photos back today after getting some rolls of film developed. What I'd thought was the roll for Anime Iowa, however, apparently I pulled an odd switcheroo on... because it turned out to be a roll of film I'd taken five years ago and thought lost! So holy crapola! I also got Nan Desu Kan photos back- however, the Anime Iowa photos are going to need to wait a while.

And, alas, here's bad news- my computer (my desktop) doesn't want to display anything from anywhere online and I'm not sure what to do about it. If anyone has any suggestions? Once I get that taken care of I can start uploading, but until then I'm stuck.

*deep breath* Only thing is, now I'm feeling hecka nostalgic. I don't think I'll be loading up all the photos, because as always many of them didn't turn out that good (I suck as a photographer)~ however, there are a few that I -really- like. And I'll put those up, surely.

CSS made by =BloodPromiser
Texture by `Princess-of-Shadows ]]> ~Shawn-Reed http://Shawn-Reed.deviantart.com/journal/27882058/ http://Shawn-Reed.deviantart.com/journal/27882058/ Wed, 21 Oct 2009 00:46:35 PDT As time goes by, things change. It's obvious to say- and some changes come and go, others stick around and become the way of things. It's just the way of it. Moments of nostalgia, basically, are moments where you realize you think very fondly of a time before a given change long enough to wonder if the way things are at present took a step down in some fashion from the remembered glory of the past.

Many are the times I've waffled on about things from times ago, so too with the intangible bits of advice through personal realization... it seems these topics are favorites of mine down the line through time. But, has it done much good? I find it hard to imagine anyone out there looking nostalgically back thinking about me... yet, there are friends of mine for whom I look at old days with a fondness and feeling that something sinse has been lost never to be reclaimed. We all grow older, we all go through things... we all come to understand that life is something we each figure out in our own way, sometimes with help, sometimes stumbling through it on our own. And in the blunt of it, there will come a time when we realize we are no longer in synch with our surroundings in the same way we once were. For instance, many of you will leave deviantart at some point... the people will change like the tide, as younger members join and older members leave. Others'll tough it out- but will see others leave, and might find a spot of emptiness in mourning the loss at odd, random times. And there will be times where it seems like there's not a single friend to be found, new or old- when it's difficult to feel close to anyone and the closest sense of belonging drifts in solitude. There are other times where it's hard to find a moment to yourself, when the moments are in some ways not even your own to control, and divvying them out is like a juggling act. When you get recognized and realize you've been acknowledged on some level that sincerely satisfies you. There are also people that change your life who you never really get to know all that well. Perhaps they introduce you to some music you grow to really love, or recommend something you find becomes a regular enjoyment. But, even when there's nothing wrong with life, at least for me, there's always a desire to have at least one person to talk with that understands you on -some- fundamental level. Whether they 'get' you fully or not, more important that they've acknowledged you in a way that's truly satisfied you.

I feel... mildly lonely. I miss talking with Lee, I miss talking with Annie, I miss talking with Reese, I miss talking with Kyra, I miss talking with Melanie, heck- I even miss talking with Ludi and Neo. I have thought about why talking with any female is so important to me, and though it's not so clear even to me, nearest I can tell is that it makes me feel content in some way. I don't need to be in love; ...but I do have the wherewithal to wonder if I seek to be loved, to feel needed even if just as a friend. And honestly... I mostly fail. From my own perspective... I'm not very needed, not very sought out. I couldn't say what gal of those I know cares most for me, or if any of them would truly go out of their way to let me know I'm valuable to them. Perhaps some of this tragedy is part of the beauty to it- surely there has been love given, whether from me or to me; and to realize how it's sifted out... it's kindof endearing to a compassionate romantic like me. Though in the span of things, there never has been much realism in my way of things. The ghost is what I've become, the ghost is me for many of those who I care about most. I'm not sure if anyone realizes I'm as good as dead when there are no hellos, no how are yous, no seeking me out to exchange words.

Who am I the most use to? Honestly, I think, my parents. I do often fail to show them the respect they deserve and am not certain I can adequately change even given dedication to do so...

For all in life, there's a way to proceed. It can be hard to see, or easy. Carrying it out, the same variation. The choice, we make. How will I handle my stated predicament. I don't know- I can write to people... will they answer, will it bridge a gap? Can't say... but it might help. Will I do so? Depends, I'd say. How much I want to attempt it- how stubborn I am to not let change settle in hard heavy and silent... but sometimes, I wish my problems weren't entirely in need of resolution by my own work, and that someone else would put forth effort. Alas, it's hard to expect much of people by this point.

]]> ~Shawn-Reed http://Shawn-Reed.deviantart.com/journal/27671492/ http://Shawn-Reed.deviantart.com/journal/27671492/ Fri, 09 Oct 2009 16:00:00 PDT
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]]> ~Shawn-Reed http://Shawn-Reed.deviantart.com/journal/27628797/ http://Shawn-Reed.deviantart.com/journal/27628797/ Wed, 07 Oct 2009 07:41:38 PDT
Lately, just this past week basically, some of my good old friends have come out of a long hiding and have talked with me when, it seems like I've been left behind by other friends. Vince and Chris and Cora, I've talked with using Skype and it feels good to have the company. Though, I miss Lee and Annie, and maybe to a lesser extent Kyra - people who I can write to or talk with at length, with a sort of comfort and security. I'll be going to Vince's this week, staying up there on my days off- and probably swinging by to see Dustin on Saturday. It means that today, I'll have to go to Knoxville and look up the address for Dustin's show on Saturday and get map info.

The inevitable movement from Summer to Fall has me down a little bit. I'm frustrated with work, questioning why some of my friends seem to have fallen off the earth for the most part (at least with me), and just plain scared in that my dad went to the doctor's yesterday to check on something that might be skin cancer.

*takes a deep breath* I watched the movie 'Whip It' last night- which I found surprisingly entertaining. Some good life-messages in there. Like, it's good to do your own thing but, not so ok to be a jerk about it.

...I ought to start getting things together, I plan to go to Knoxville this morning. I'm thankful for my life working out so there's always a counterbalance... but I feel as though I've worked at setting my life up so that it will provide for me. It may not seem busy, it may not seem stressful, perhaps by and large it is neither, though my life is never without something to think about in a careful, patient manner. And many people who think they have it rough, often fail to realize the price I pay for the life I have, and the choices I've made to make my life the way it is. I wonder, too, if perhaps some of my last vestiges of faith are hiding out in this, in some manner? Because, even with any hard time that comes my way, I still feel thankful.

]]> ~Shawn-Reed http://Shawn-Reed.deviantart.com/journal/27295610/ http://Shawn-Reed.deviantart.com/journal/27295610/ Sat, 19 Sep 2009 08:28:07 PDT
BUT- I have few details, and only the most basic premise. I wouldn't be able to set out on my own... - Is anyone I know in any capacity looking for a roommate? I think it's possible I'd be willing to relocate; but, I could also easily accept a person interested in locating to this general area. I likely won't be able to afford anything fancy; my end of things is likely to include only a couple hundred a month for a while.

Considering the fact that things are sketchy and details vague, I think that's a good reason to bring this to the open and kindof toss it to the wind for ideas. From the general to the precise; once I get some ideas of who (if anyone) might be willing to work with me in the possibility of an exciting restructuring of life; then I can figure out what sounds best, what seems most likely to work, and so on.

Who all, if anyone, thinks they would be able to stand living with me (until I prove you wrong XP ) potentially this Winter? Throw your ideas out to me and I'll listen.

]]> ~Shawn-Reed http://Shawn-Reed.deviantart.com/journal/27245678/ http://Shawn-Reed.deviantart.com/journal/27245678/ Wed, 16 Sep 2009 13:26:00 PDT
... Do I even need to say it?? XD Really? I mean really?? Yes. Yes indeed. I had a fender-bender while leaving Boulder... for which I'll need to call a court line in four days thereabouts, AND I run out of gas in Des Moines, because my gas meter was off. At 1:30 in the morning I end up calling my dad to come help bail me out; so at 3 in the morning I finally get to finish my long drive home. Oi.

But, it was still a fun trip, nonetheless. I got to see Annie and Halen, and Reese and her friends. Which, I'd say, took up more of my time than being at the convention... which is ok; I did miss a couple of events I wanted to catch but I'm still appeased in it all. I somewhat get the impression I was on the border of overstaying my welcome as a guest- but thankfully the hospitality was gracious and so I didn't need to suffer sleeping in my car more than once. Although, admittedly, I was rather fatigued on the drive home; I think I may not have gotten a good rest and my shoulder was achy, though that sort of thing can just happen, alas. Plus the uberton of walking I did- I felt like I actually got healthy excersize out there; walking around, drinking water... XD It was rather nifty!

I started out hanging out at Annie's, and discovered that her brother's choice in music is pretty much exactly like mine. Also learned that Halen is rather nifty; and to my joy I've been invited to roleplay with them over ICQ.

While Annie was at classes Thursday, I got the chance to explore; I went down to the local coffee shop where I wrote my last journal entree, then from there I walked down to the mall; I stopped into the Borders and bought myself three Glen Cook books. Huzzah gritty fantasy! Also, got to watch a couple movies- 9, and Gamer. But not before stopping in to the Starbucks for an iced white chocolate mocha, and a brief chat with the gal behind the counter who said they saw me & my hat on the way to work. The atmosphere in Boulder is comfortable, I think- whereas further south in Denver it seems less so; granted, my perspective is a limited one... still...

Friday I made my way to the convention. It took me longer than I expected and when I got there I made like seven trips around the Mariotte because of being in the wrong lane and such things; frustrating. Caught the anime improv and AMV judging- my videos weren't included but those that were presented were reaaaally good. After that I found someone with a cellphone and called Reese; thing about Nan Desu Kan- it's bigger than Anime Iowa and the layout is more confusing. It would be harder to find someone there. So down to the nearby Wendy's I went; and met up with Reese and two of her friends. We all decided to head back to her friend's apartment, where she'll be moving soon- and thereafter went to a Goth club; which was rather awesome! 1 round of drinks (I had one called a lemonaide, which was really tasty), and the music motivated me to move on the dance floor.

After finishing up there, we all went back to the apartment, and watched some movies- The Rocky Horror Picture Show, The Corpse Bride, (and the next morning) The Departed. I managed to reach a perfect state of inebriation on two shots of Everclear and a shot of Gin. And a bowl of mac&cheese and some BBQ chicken wings. nomnomnom. I got to hold Snake (the actual name of the little reptilian friend) and having done so makes me rather want my own appendagelly challenged friend.

Well, the next day, back to the convention for a while. -I did miss a couple events I would have liked to attend because we weren't there early enough, but I don't mind. The dealer's room was a nifty thing, and I bought myself fewd, books, t-shirts... much goodness. After the dance Saturday night (which was tame, very tame, compared to the one this year at Anime Iowa), it was back to the apartment again. And Charlie, the kitten there, would not for the life of him get over the notion that my nose was not for sniffing and that his doing so would make me sneeze uncontrollably. Which really brings a sharper perspective on some things. Anyway; Sunday, back to the convention and we all split ways. I stick around and wander a bit, catching some anime in the video rooms before, alas, it winds down in convention hibernation time. So back up to Boulder. I'm surprised it's such a long way; it feels like, when you reach Boulder, you've gone too far and that you'll be heading into the country.

One thing I really enjoyed, was how... ]]> ~Shawn-Reed http://Shawn-Reed.deviantart.com/journal/27141991/ http://Shawn-Reed.deviantart.com/journal/27141991/ Thu, 10 Sep 2009 22:05:47 PDT
And perhaps, most important of all… sifting through the people for who should join me at least so much as me sharing their struggle to recognize how to connect life. Even those we feel closest to… are we not alone in our time soon before and after the acknowledgement of our existence? Conjure up your best memories for me, for a second, will you please? How many of them are in a momentarily solitary existence and how many of them are at times when you do not feel alone? I think… it’s possible the value is within the nature of the person. It wouldn’t be unusual to have both- but I think… the elements that make our cherished memories do so because they contain what we value. Could we make cherished memories for ourselves if we reached out to grasp the moments with our curiosity, our wonder, our joy and pain? Or would we fall into our pattern of the normality becoming the background? If I were here, would the beauty fade? Would the feeling of ‘home’ become a different concept, would I have the comfort I have now? Less? More? Is it possible to flesh my life out in a greater way than that which I do, or have I failed to notice my life is one that might draw some form of good feeling from any who may notice, even in a broken, piecemeal way? When I look at the people going by, on their bicycles, their rollerblades, their skateboards, their feet, their cars… I think about what led them to their mode of transportation: the beginning. The small difference, how many similarities each might share with the others. Who, if I were so heartily bold as to attempt communicating with each, would I find in some way similar to me? And who could grant me some gain, great or small, as an impact on my life? Who would be a detriment in similar fashion… or would none unless I allow myself the feeling of detriment? How would those in observation of any part think and would any gain more than an observation of architecture, too soon forgotten?

Being out here… it reawakens, at least at this moment, a flow within me that hearkens back to those cherished days I was last here. Joy and pain become the same, stirred together in the mind to end up as a gladness for it all. And the impermanence, the momentary feeling; could I -ever- stabilize that, or is it beautiful because it must tell me goodbye with a promise to see me again? The mistakes I’ve made in life don’t seem like mistakes, they reveal my triumph… of, before and after each killing blow, life not beaten out. I am blind to my importance- what it would mean to those aware of me if I were wisked away into some alternate dimension with no forwarding address. I am not certain any friends are close enough to me to shed tears… though I am close enough to them I would… and, here… alone, unified, I feel at peace with my partial obscurity. And still… can I change my lot in life to, at the least, soak in a greater portion of that which life offers me? One thing that I remember a friend of mine teaching me, in a peculiar way that makes me smile softly, wistful, happy, sad. That being the greatest giver in the world is as painful as being given not even acknowledgement, when the one who gives has not... ]]> ~Shawn-Reed http://Shawn-Reed.deviantart.com/journal/26689700/ http://Shawn-Reed.deviantart.com/journal/26689700/ Wed, 19 Aug 2009 10:20:03 PDT
Alright so, where to start? Thursday, I woke up about noon- and still hadn't gotten my anime selected for the Iron Editor nor had I finished my cosplay costume. Luckily, I already knew what I needed to do to complete my cosplay, and I already had anime from Bryan specifically for the Iron Editor. So Thursday I spent in semi-frenzied preparation. Gathered my seven hours and thirteen minutes or so of anime into one folder, and cut/markered my Noface mask. Then I end up leaving in the middle of the night Thursday, figuring I can use my laptop to stay entertained waiting in line for registration rather than chance waiting and ending up with the massive line or possibility of sleeping in and missing the beginning of the convention. So I get there, decide to park the same place I did last year way out in a seemingly unused gravel lot... and lug my 15-20lb backpack in with me. Which I lugged around the entire convention, I might add. Umph. Mah po' shouldah!

And I spent a bit of time watching True Blood before anything started, but I also walked around just taking a look for who all was already there, a few people who had helped out volunteering earlier that day.

A ...couple? Few? hours before registration opened, I wander out to the hallway where a line has already formed... unofficially. More like everyone has sort of gathered waiting for the line to actually form so they can be there rather than at the end. And there's a group playing Magic that I decide to ask if I can join. There's also a group of gals right behind playing cards and I decide after a game of four-way Magic that my Kithkin deck dominates, to join in on. Turns out one of these gals ends up the first of the people I'll hopefully be keeping in touch with. Which would be Kelly- and of the group the other name I can remember is Nikki (because goodness only knows there's a Nikki in every group XD ) - I get to learn how to play Egyptian Rat-screw, which is... almost like a sort of speed game, except- there's a lot of hand-slapping involved. XD Which makes for part of the fun. We all had fun playing cards until the line started moving and it seemed like no time flat before I was registered! I had decided to get in costume, and took the opportunity to walk around for photo opportunities. Little did I know, (such a cruel joke on me) my camera didn't have any film in it. XD I realized this later that night after I'd taken like a bazillion photos and was wondering why my film wasn't running out. But I did have a lot of people stop me to ask if they could take my photo, which was very flattering and made me feel quite good.

I ended up sitting down after wandering back and forth a time or two and the second of the individuals to stay in touch with, nickname of Kiba, was sitting a few seats away. I have one of my 'me' moments, where I want to go over and talk but get too shy to do so. Then this guy in an AMAZING Nemesis costume comes up and sits down and the added presense helps me overcome the shy; conversation! YAY! He ends up leaving and I get to stay and have a good chat, share deviantart info and XD listen to each others' music, which was awesome. Felt good to overcome one of my usual shynesses and end up feeling rather comfortable. And of course I'm taking photos the whole time as people walk by that will never see the light of day. XD

After that, before the events really got started, I -think- I went down to the game room. (time got really fuzzy to me past the second day and it's hard to sort out when's when) Either then, or later, I played yet more Magic with some guys there and there was one who I traded a bunch of cards with. Who found me again Saturday feeling like he hadn't gotten a good deal and trying to get more cards from me... which I was generous and to whom I gave more cards... although slightly humorously but in more an ironic rather than humorous sort of way, end up dropping two cans of overheated monster from my car that burst and spray his white-mage robe. XS But I'm ahead of myself. Anyway- things actually get started and the first thing I wanted to do was go to the *goes to look at the AI schedule* Youtube and You except I think I was chatting/playing cards at that time. So I caught the 'Name That Anime Opening' panel. There's this one guy who is SO versed he puts even my friend Bryan to shame. I ended up meeting him again during the closing ceremonies and if I can find his e-mail, hope to stay in contact with also. Ah, I think I just remembered where that is, actually.
<... ]]> ~Shawn-Reed http://Shawn-Reed.deviantart.com/journal/26577071/ http://Shawn-Reed.deviantart.com/journal/26577071/ Thu, 13 Aug 2009 19:46:53 PDT ... and I'm about to hop in the shower for the long weekend of practically no sleep or hygeine... oh, conventions. XD

I'll be championing my car as the place to rest most likely. My costume, thankfully, is light and breathes well. Not sure, the mask might get stuffy eventually but I don't think it'll be that bad. Anyway; gotta go...

But, expect a surge of photos and uberness soon! Can't wait for the dances, also...

]]> ~Shawn-Reed http://Shawn-Reed.deviantart.com/journal/26501505/ http://Shawn-Reed.deviantart.com/journal/26501505/ Mon, 10 Aug 2009 09:31:24 PDT
Well, add to that I'll probably go to Knoxville midweek for more spending money and that's more time I'm busy less I'm busy with convention preparation. But as long as I kick into gear, I think I can get things done. *cross fingers*

Realistically, I should start getting things organized presently. And take a shower. And have breakfast. Not necessarily in that order...

I've been having... shreds of dream lately; being able to remember just a little bit. Last night I dreamed of a guy who got shot with a paintball gun and lamented whether or not his friend/which friends? would be there for him if it weren't a paintball. *scratch head*

I'm at this curb of non-energy; one of those times where I get none of the things I want to get done, done. And I want to drive it away and make sure it's not around this week. I've been feeling like I've been looking at myself from a rather critical point of view lately. I most certainly don't want to be wasting away in the hollowlands.

I watched 'The Postman' yesterday- it really is a very good movie. The part where he rides by and snatches the letter from the boy holding it out to him is really memorable and occasionally; I do find myself wondering if I'd like living in simpler times; even if I'd miss so many amenities. Something to push myself for. I really am strung along on the need for a reason for continuance.

]]> ~Shawn-Reed http://Shawn-Reed.deviantart.com/journal/26358609/ http://Shawn-Reed.deviantart.com/journal/26358609/ Mon, 03 Aug 2009 12:25:19 PDT
And my computer is now wrapped up in transferring files from one external harddrive to the other. Which will take about three days.

During which time, my laptop is at the desk, without a mouse plugged in, and my desktop isn't functional with cords unplugged. IE, eep. I can tolerate it but... I've gotta find my alternative zen for a couple days. Not sure how much power my Ipod has, either, but once it runs out I'm stuck until my desktop can be run again. I'm so mired into computers it's ... ... a serious addiction, really. One I seriously can't quit... but don't want to quit. I accomplish so much, and so little.

I would like, honestly, something totally out of the ordinary. I don't know what; if I did it might not be so out of the ordinary. Just something that stirs up the pseudo routine of my life with a new element. Like a soup in want of another ingrediant. Aye, I've been at the top of the hill in my mood this last week, which started to descend again starting this past weekend. It's not really that I'm unhappy, either, it's more like things are more grey moodwise. Eh, some people'd understand.

I have options: I can watch some movies I rented from the library, I can write if I can just get started, or I can read... All three seem appealing... Though the looming presence of work in a couple hours (and one before I leave) deters me.

You know... something I do believe: what you believe and what's in your heart reflects itself in your part in the world. I mean; you start thinking about something and suddenly, little things pop up around that time, of all times, that point to it. It's like a power, or force, in creation- so if you align yourself the right way, the world (your world ie what you see of it) will align itself to you. Oh aye, you get some surprises... but you still tend to get what you deserve.

So... I spend some times really happy and some times kinda melancholy. I can semi-control how I feel but... not entirely. So am I at the mercy of this lack of control, in causing unwanted damage to my world? I ... think very commonly in zen terms; it's not that unusual for me to think behind the facefront of something and to contemplate the ramifications. It doesn't necessarily do any good, though. Oh it -can-... but the wisdom I -do- have can be lost in its solidarity. Personal retrograde is not all that fun.

Time changes; a lot changes. What can stay the same can sometimes be valuable. Dun take it for granted. I'm worn out. I'll see if I can find energy in the refrigerator.

]]> ~Shawn-Reed http://Shawn-Reed.deviantart.com/journal/26206106/ http://Shawn-Reed.deviantart.com/journal/26206106/ Mon, 27 Jul 2009 07:32:21 PDT ) - Showed a few pics I find attractive, got showed a lot of pics in return and, wouldn'tcha know, the ones I find attractive are all taken? XD Ah well... and the one who was most so to me is -really- attractive, too, imo. But maybe it's better as such- I've kindof gotten to this place where I'm enjoying being able to look. Even to find a few who catch my interest even though I'll probably never see anything come of any of it; it's kindof nice being past being wrapped up in someone not interested in return. I rock the geek- I mean that, I may be single but, I am enjoying it. Find anyone, not find anyone, it's almost like it's the same because I can enjoy myself either way.

Y'know, the next movie I'm thinking of looking up to watch is The Swiss Family Robinson. Besides the strange retro childhood binge, I've been talking with people more recently, again. Old friends and new potentially-friends. And I feel like some of it is me giving myself permission to do the things I'd like to. I dunno how to put it. Trusting myself and letting myself be free. But there's also the fact that this is supposed to be the first day I'll have work in over a week. I've been called off pretty much the entire past two weeks. And it's done a strange good thing for my mood. I can't really put my finger on it, but I'm happier in a way; I've still wasted a few days sleeping through the day itself, but... lo and let be.

I have a story idea rumbling around in my head, what's more. I'm thinking of doing a zombie-apocalypse diary style. It's sad how much it takes me to get myself motivated to write these days, it truly is. I wanna turn it around but I can't ever seem to motivate myself to doing so. Let's see if I can get something started. ^_^

Oh, hehehe- I've had THIS stuck in my head sinse yesterday morning: XD [link]

Like one particularly good friend of mine endearingly says 'You're crazy.' It's ok for you to think that. ;D

]]> ~Shawn-Reed http://Shawn-Reed.deviantart.com/journal/26117466/ http://Shawn-Reed.deviantart.com/journal/26117466/ Wed, 22 Jul 2009 21:00:43 PDT
Y'know......... I've been off work for over a week now. I'm starting to think of it as BS. Granted, the time off is nice but... I've gotta pay bills. *sigh* *shakefist*

But heck... no use ranting and raving; although it's good to blow off a small bit of steam. Well, it's like the universe is asking me to write... maybe doing so would solve my problems, do ya think?

Anyway. I hope like heck my friends are understanding and informed.

]]> ~Shawn-Reed http://Shawn-Reed.deviantart.com/journal/26037979/ http://Shawn-Reed.deviantart.com/journal/26037979/ Sun, 19 Jul 2009 03:50:44 PDT
I started the day out finding a new MMO to pique my interest. ( 9Dragons ) - Then, at about 10:30 this morning I went in to town to get my car back! Huzzah huzzah huzzah! It's shiiiiny! So from there, I went out to Wal-mart, and bought myself some toyz. I got a new 1TB external harddrive and a USB gamepad. I then dropped some movies off, and dropped in to the library, renting a book to pick up reading where I'd left off, and some CDs (which are soothing me right now). From there, I dropped by Smokey Row for a Dutch Chocolate Iced Mocha... and headed home, only to soon after head back into town to get my turn signal fixed (a short repair just dropped back by Jerry's Automotive for about 30min) then from there, left for Ottumwa. Got to teach one of the regulars ( Mr. O ) my personal cardgame, and played some Magic. I got cursed tonight with drawing swamps... but oh well. I mean seriously. Like, four games, some like 6 land in a row. o.O Eh. I'd have gone and watched Harry Potter if I knew it was on when it was; as is, I'm still hoping to see it... maybe tomorrow. Then, back here to home, whereupon I got to doctor myself up a microwave pizza. Nomnomnom! And chocolate milk. And ohmahgoodnessgracious my external is trying to backup my ENTIRE computer... o.O hehe; I'll be able to store two computers and my other external in one convenient package with room to spare!

*stretchy-stretch* Ah, and on the way home- from Spuds, I was thinking.. probably muchly due to the music I was listening to like 'How to Save a Life' by the Fray and 'Save Tonight' which brings back memories of 'the good ol' days' for me... well...

There's something about love. A strength. An energy that makes emotion -actually- feel like emotion. Because I was listening to 'How to Save a Life' which brings back memories of one of my broken-heart periods of life and I was -missing- it. And I was thinking 'What the F is wrong with me??' But then I was thinking- no, there's nothing wrong... I'm missing the feeling; the -feeling- not so much as the person. Except... that got me thinking; the people... those I've fallen in love with: are perfect. Outside my equation. I have this ... well, it's like that scene in 'The Last Samurai' where the main character's trainer gets brought down and sees these cherry blossoms falling and goes 'They're all... perfect.' It's just like that. I'm not the branch that holds them to the tree... when I was -in- love, I felt like I should be. Oh, every one of them is flawed; they've all cut me more deeply than any knife could ever do. But... they are perfectly immortal. What I mean is... ...there is something in the way I feel for them that changes. There is. And it is a something I lament as it wanes to beyond waning. There is something else, though, that needs -nothing- but what has been with this fierce, KNOWING sense of wonder that I can actually have gone through everything with a core of -rightness- in it all.

*the next night*

And today was quite a day, also. Let's see... admittedly, I skipped work to go to a Magic:TG tournament at Spuds'... but I have the valid excuse of a new schedule to work in which I no longer work Saturdays. And I did well- even traded in cards so I equated to paying nothing. Fun, fun.

Then afterwards I went and watched Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince. In part, a push on my own behalf because of a redoubled desire to see it because Annie recommended it yesterday. And she's right, it is one of the best HP's... although waiting until next year for the next is going to be ... a long wait. Hwar. It really is worth the watching for anyone remotely interested.

Let's see, additionally, I've begun building test-decks for my own card game. It'll be fun when I can play a few games with Bryan, or whoever. ^_^

And on the way home tonight, after it all- I had a sense of deja-vu from last night. Ended up thinking along the same lines... Y'know... for being a loner, I do tend to feel lonely much more than I should. I get this feeling as though complaining about it makes me quite ungrateful for all the amazing blessings I have in life- and I quaver between the thoughts that I have these blessings because I have the structure of thought and action that helps me to keep them, and the fear that I will in a someday, lose many of them. There are many ways in which, I am much like a child... in which, without care and looking-after I would be vulnerable and helpless. Yet also, I feel that there are other manners in which I have developed a gr... ]]> ~Shawn-Reed http://Shawn-Reed.deviantart.com/journal/25912588/ http://Shawn-Reed.deviantart.com/journal/25912588/ Mon, 13 Jul 2009 03:50:58 PDT

I like the way accidental things are often the best in life. Like tonight, I was over at Chris' in order to roleplay (I spent six hours there, of which an hour and a half was roleplaying time, of which I spent the better part comatose from aggravated damage...) -BUT, on the other hand, from being there I caught an episode of a show called True Blood that I'd never heard of before. And I got that sense of 'know' that I get sometimes, that I'm going to watch that show -find it online, because I'll enjoy it. Turning the hours that felt like a wasted evening for the most part into something that's worth more than that amount of time in enjoyment.

Also, I've been at work cutting out the cards I printed for my game- (so as to make everyone aware, making CCGs for my own use is a hobby of mine) and so hopefully, I've balanced things out to where with these new cards the first set for this game is complete. I've already done a print run of the earlier cards that are done; in fact I've played the game with several people who enjoy it, but perhaps with these cards included a rules tweak here and there it'll be a better game overall. Besides, it's the first cardgame I've done where all the cards have their own artwork... (even if it is all purloined from deviantart here *coughcough*)... I'd try selling the idea if it weren't for the fact that the card stock images and pictures aren't mine to distribute. ^_^' Anyway- it's a simple feeling of accomplishment to do this work, even just for myself.

My car is still being worked on- it'll be in the shop until this Wednesday. I'm glad it can be repaired... which is better than can be said for the deer. I still feel grumpy that I had to leave the deer on the side of the road because I couldn't lift it into my car. Heck, I tried for like... fourty five minutes to get the darned thing into my back seat but the weight was too much and it kept sliding out. At least that's some motivation for me that I need to start exercizing again. *goes and achieves 43 pushups* Pluh, not enough to be satisfied... Ah well... in time.

BUT, not having had a car, I missed my friend Dustin performing Saturday night at the House of Bricks up in Des Moines. Dark Mirror- look them up; Dustin's the guitarist and absolutely AMAZING. And his Birthday was the 8th- I'm still wanting to get ahold of him to try an Adventureland trip- asap.

Y'know... sometimes, in recent days, I feel like I've been waking up after being alseep for a very, very long time. Not in a literal sense... more like, inside. And it's like, there are times where I feel alert and awake and times where I'm back to groggy and I'm trying to push myself towards experiencing more -life- in life. Even if it's as simple as reading a book or watching anime (which I've been doing a lot recently)- But, more towards... human interaction. Over the winter, I felt... lonely. In many regards, much of the time... but, not so much anymore. And... there's a balancing act in that. The healthy wholesome feeling of -people-, of hanging out and of talking on a person-to-person level. But, on the other side, too much and it's like work, it's like something is leeched out of you... either way. It's not easy to explain, but I feel like I'm getting back to the center and I don't want it to tip too far the other direction from what it'd been. I like... taking things in my own time. I feel- happily like I've gotten back in touch with people, though. As though I can be friends with the world- even if I'm not. Whereas before, I felt very isolated... walled off even. Mind you, I never have things absolutely perfect for any length of time, but I like capturing brief bits that -are- just that, to me. And it's like nothing for a good while had been absolutely mint condition like that- except I've been getting bits of them recently. The fireworks on the 4th, -though moreso, the drive home afterwards listening to the radio with my dad. Or talking in message about it with a nifty individual here on deviantart. *breath* I've always been a nostalgia-loving, sentimental type. For a long time though, that part of me was crushed out of me. Maybe to some benefit for me but- I like to have a little... and I'm working on getting myself back. I've grown- for better, in many regards, but also I feel I should regrow some of what I feel I've lost. That's how I feel. And I feel also like I've been making small steps towards getting to where I want to be with myself. And happy, too, for where I am.

I have things to look forward to- Anime Iowa and NanDesuKan... and things I want to do but am not full sure of- The Adventureland trip, visiting Vincent, regular or semi-regular roleplaying sessions... *grabs for self anothe... ]]> ~Shawn-Reed http://Shawn-Reed.deviantart.com/journal/25872510/ http://Shawn-Reed.deviantart.com/journal/25872510/ Sat, 11 Jul 2009 01:59:52 PDT
Personally, the concept of 'wrong', to me, is... weird. If what is, is the will of divinity, 'because it is therefore it is so'... There is only cause-effect. And our concepts of right-wrong, morality, society, and all such sets of imaginative capacity, are geared towards functional interaction that benefits the self. Though when we err, from what is openly conceptualized as 'roper'- it is hypothetically the will of God to do so. An omnipotent capacity for reasoning DOES allow for free-will; just in that, for each free will, it is known all possible choices that can then be made and so on. Much like hypothetically one could master every possible move that could be made in chess to a point of being able to win without ever lifting one piece. ~Shawn-Reed http://Shawn-Reed.deviantart.com/journal/25193900/ http://Shawn-Reed.deviantart.com/journal/25193900/ Mon, 08 Jun 2009 08:54:05 PDT
I alternately find, and lose, the concept of what I believe in- sometimes emboldened by that which I know, other times fatigued by what I must struggle to believe in. I am not quite sure from where the source of this apathy... or melancholy (I'm not sure which of these it is) comes from. Kindof like a sense of hopelessness, but not in all things. Is it, a struggle to find any whom I can believe in? Or is it that what I want to believe in is beyond my capability to reach for better or worse.

Y'know... June 2nd was June's birthday- or at least what I refer to as; and I remembered... but I didn't do much about it. The weather has been rainy/stormy quite a bit this past week. And her ideals and ways- I want to remember and - she could help me clean of the twisting sluggishness inside of me, if I but asked. Ah, but that's the trick, isn't it- calling on her would mean both victory and defeat. Like an admission of weakness, but likewise, like calling on the best of everything I understand. Surely she has taught me already, all that I need... am I dependant on that which is so close to imagination for my comfort? Or is my denial of that utter spark of true belief in me the death of me to go unnoticed? I want to rejoin that world... no mere flickering but rather, union. What disrespect has gotten into me that I so gravely turn my back to it as I might do to a friend for simply not wanting to extend myself? Huhr... I'm so close to an opportunity to find myself, and I find myself not asking anything.

It's about -that- one, oh, ignorance, thy destruction of me. Bwahr.

]]> ~Shawn-Reed http://Shawn-Reed.deviantart.com/journal/24679173/ http://Shawn-Reed.deviantart.com/journal/24679173/ Sun, 10 May 2009 02:39:31 PDT I've had moments of imagination recently, as the weather has warmed up- granted, it would be easy to feel them slip and melt away like butter on a frying pan but I feel glad that there still is something within me that recognizes a sense of wonder. Wednesday night, taking a walk- a long, pleasant walk around town. Something like a four hour walk, at night. I was trying to get lost in my own town again, which is becoming harder to do. I didn't quite succeed at that, but I did venture into little bits of new territory. And most importantly, I felt like I reconnected with something. Staring off, looking at the slowly blinking lights of what is likely to be radio or cellphone towers, in all four directions of the town like red sentinals, you can walk towards them and yet still seem to never actually reach them. Guarding the town, on the other side. Or being able to come across a great hills of gravel and imagining them to be like anthills, the sewers of the town the domain of unseen tunnellers. I spent time resting under traintracks, a bridge over the road- a nice little nook surprisingly comfortable in its own way, the troll gone- perhaps once mistaking the train for a collectible toll. Oh well- and being able to think, being able to fathom. Wandering down the roads of the night, strangely beautiful, elegant, the solitude a strange comfort in the midst of so many people with myself the only wandering presence... odd that I feel more at home, at peace, than I do in my actual home. Later in this Summer, I'd like to take an honest to goodness walkabout- spend perhaps a week or so on the road with my own two feet carrying me.

Friend- how the word itself, the meaning, seems to warp and stretch in different ways in different points of my life. Of late, Bryan and I have relaxingly been able to spend more time together hanging out once in a while, relieving my tension of not otherwise having anyone to spend any time with. Lee has- retreated into her own life and the world around her, which I understand- though I can't help wonder if I've somehow taken a step in my own maturity in allowing myself to become less important, or if the strength of me has waned. It's that, with this, those people who are at a distance from me fade moreso, as last chapter they were keeping me sane in my absence of other friends. I suppose some sort of explorative pull has awakened within me as the weather has turned pleasant. But where am I going? Something I've always thought adamant in my life is the presence of (often ubalanced) co-dependance in my life. And I don't object- I enjoy feeling appreciated or needed. I guess it's natural for most people to not express such things, though;whatever rewards are there, I've come to depend on within myself. Which perhaps, worries me. The idea of love, pure form, and in the sense of friendship inclusive, is to place another over yourself. Why then is it that I find myself currently able to trust myself only more than others? Especially for gratification- to feel good about anything? When someone does something truly nice, it cmes as unexpected- Mr. O's gift of Morel mushrooms the other day, even in hope of foil cards- and yes he will get some for me in gratitude. It's just- I ... maybe for the first time in so long, doubt my ability to direct my love, if there's any of success in me, in any successful direction, especially. Perhaps as a best friend, Bryan is oddly, the most comfortable with my presence. It is hard to get a summation of those who are at a distance, but these interactions are vital in importance for the substance of the spirit as much as any actual visible interactions with friends close by. But my understanding of myself in these terms is enigmatic. It's no doubt I want a sense of security in the feeling of freindship- and I find it surprising I find it more in my talks with Annie sometimes than those with Lee sometimes, though I don't feel I know Annie as well as Lee and I feel more of an old friend with Lee- it's justthat I don't feel satisfied in feeling like, behind the pleasant interactions, I'm a discomfort somehow- though maybe that's too strong a word. Perhaps more what I'm searching for is, held distant- or, maybe somehow accurately descriptive- dangerously close to being a waste of time.

These three people, I know I feel more connected with than the other people in the world- Bryan, Lee, Annie. Maybe right now, in that order- and I somewhat judge friendships by the devotion of time spent in them; I don't care how pretentious I am when I make my own judgements of things as long as I can be sincerely comfortable with them... and because the closeness I feel in the friendships I have is so flexible, I'm comfortable with being able to say that presently I feel more kinship with certain people over others. I've opened up some- of late, to people I don't know- in conversation with strangers in person; an unusual and diffic... ]]> ~Shawn-Reed http://Shawn-Reed.deviantart.com/journal/24187602/ http://Shawn-Reed.deviantart.com/journal/24187602/ Sat, 11 Apr 2009 18:24:42 PDT Yeah- my dad's Reatta! For those of you who are wondering- the Reatta is a 'car of interest'- a Buick-made sportscar. It's not exactly a collectors item, but there were a limited number made, this is a '91, the last year they were made (from '88-'91) and they stopped in May that year. So, there are about 1,500 '91 Reattas in the world, 500 of those are convertibles. (mine is not) And in '91 they switched the brake system to something rather normal from the former TUVI system which is really expensive to replace if something goes wrong. So, there are only 999 cars like mine out there. HUZZAH! And I luvs it!

But yeah, I spent time cleaning out the Baretta. And good grief, the amount of junk... gwah. I found some lost treasures, too. My Last Exile box set, for example. XD WHEEE! I feel like a quarter bouncing on the hood of one of those tricked-out cars with the awesome sound-system. Lots of bass; I LOVE IT!!!! Mhuahaha! And no one here to stop me! Except the cats! Which are under my oppressive rule!!! Well, actually, they have most rights of freedom but are confined as ever to their nation of upstairs. XD And yeah, I've actually started stretching my imagination muscle some recently. While I was digging out stuff from my car, I got distracted for a good while because I found my crystal stix. Y'know, the juggling sticks? I played around with them for a while to the music, even developed two new tricks for them.

But I'll admit- my emotions have been unlike the usual- I'm not even sure I can explain adequately. I've been internalizing things much more than I used to, and it's harder for me to start talking with someone. I'm more isolated... but not necessarily sad. I'm reforging some of my friendships, though some have a distinct bittersweet feel I wouldn't be able to explain. I'm... mediocre. As a person, I realize that; I'm really not anything -special-, even though I am -different- in my own way. I don't consider myself as having anything great or wonderful I can offer up to the world, in fact, I might be horribly parasitic. I also think there are times I'm more of an asshole than I can wrap my head around... but I'm not evil. I'm insecure sometimes- but other times I am in fact secure in my insecurity. Yes, I know it doesn't necessarily make sense... it doesn't necessarily need to. There are some things in life that are more beautiful because you don't understand them completely. Even when, in the reality of it, you understand them completely and don't even know it.

I've been putting my Ipod Shuffle that I bought from Bryan to -good- use. I've been using it a lot, bought some really nice KOS earbuds for it. I think it's actually kept my mood up, done good things for me. But, I am still struggling to align myself up the way I really want. I'm switching my work schedule back to the way it used to be next week (not this next week, the one after)- so again I'll have three day weekends and Fridays free to (haha) 'waste' money on Magic:TG. *flips off people who think it's a waste* Sorry, I've gotten foul fingered because of my job. It's a way for me to blow off steam when I have to deal with rude people.

Lately, I've been watching TV more than usual, also. I've recently gotten into the TV show 'Dexter'. Watch it and you, too, can root for a serial-killer. XP It's actually a really good show! Also, kinda interested in 'Fringe', and keeping up with 'Lie to Me' which I like a lot. I also like some Discovery and such every now and then. I really like watching Top Gear with my dad. I really really get a kick out of that show! (who knew!? )

Oh, btw- one of my creative projects is DONE. Huzzah! The card game I've been working on recently (which I call 'Frontier' ) is FINISHED. And transferred successfully to Word. Now all I need to do is print it out and then cut the cards out. Oh man... and it's all in color; mwar. So ink, yeah... expensive. I actually kinda feel sad that I'm done with it, in a way- it helped keep me busy in a fun way. Maybe I'll make an expansion. ~Shawn-Reed http://Shawn-Reed.deviantart.com/journal/23894036/ http://Shawn-Reed.deviantart.com/journal/23894036/ Thu, 26 Mar 2009 03:24:52 PDT

1. No matter how hard I try, I will NEVER be as epic as these three things: Lord of the Rings, Final Fantasy VII (and Advent Children), and Star Wars. T_T

2. My favorite number is 68. The number that represents me is 343. Which came, by the way, from being my dorm room number the first time I attempted college.

3. I am much more comfortable writing on the net to people than talking to people in person. If you manage to hold a conversation with me in person that doesn't seem different from my online sociability, I am completely comfortable around you- and, if you were taken out of my life I would carry around a scar of your absense.

4. There is ALWAYS music playing in my car. The radio/CD/audio not being on in my car is like a blasphemy.

5. I am currently single but not looking (because my heart is rather set). I would like to be able to date and be available if anyone decides they would like to ask me out- I'd consider such a possibility, but there is really this one person my heart's wrapped around; and I am hers inside for time indeterminate. Anyone else is free to try- just know I'm also trying for her, and I wouldn't want anyone else to be hurt. I will succeed making a life with her in time, whether or not she knows it yet. If someone else surprises me drastically in a good way, though, I wouldn't be upset.

6. There are... either two or three people in the world who know my deepest darkest secret. One of them was told when half asleep and I'm not sure they remember much. And only one knows the entire thing.

7. Creative projects I've got going (some on slow burner) -Making a paper-mache mask, drawing a car decal design, making custom CD playlists (lots of them), making my own collectible card games (I'm working on my sixth), writing poetry, writing lyrics, writing a shortstory, writing a novel, *whisper* making a surprise Valentine's gift for someone, making my own clothing *not started yet except materials*, and making AMVs. o.O And that doesn't include everything I do for fun. O.o

8. I preffer to watch television on the computer. Current favorite shows include: Lie to Me, Heroes, Lost, Doctor Who, Eureka, Chuck, and I guess technically a lot of the anime I watch. Please note I don't always -get- to watch what I want. Also note, I would like to sometime watch Dexter, and House.

9. I hear awesome songs in my head that will never get to reach the ears of others because I don't have a way of turning what's in my head into real sound. (I play fiddle/violin, but that doesn't really work for what I hear)

10. I have more Magic:TG cards than reincarnations I need to go through to reach Nirvana. XD (PROBABLY true) XD Oh, I'm a Transcendentalist by the way- I'm jaded in the realm of religion and free spirited in the realm of spirituality. I believe in some things, others I don't, and I'm quite alright with my own opinions unless I decide to change them. And that's kindof how I live my life- I try to live my life in a way I can be happy recieving the consequences for each of my actions.

11. I have somewhat odd driving habits. I like to drive with one hand on the steering wheel, at either the five o'clock, or somewhere between ten to eleven o'clock, with the -right- hand. o.O

12. Additionally, I can drive without hands. This is not recommended for those of full sanity.

13. 'I know the voices in my head aren't real... but they do come up with some really good ideas.' XD Ironically, this is actually true for me. Well- theoretically- what does it say about me to truly say and mean, that I miss the voice in my head? -I miss June... who always did have good ideas... At some point, I decided that it would be disrespectful to wholeheartedly love two individuals at once, even if one seems... ephemeral. So she, left... and if that is insanity, any more than an imaginary friend is insanity, well, I miss it nevertheless.

14. I believe in true love, and also believe that two true loves into each other is unbreakable contentment and inner peace, even if there are trials, tribulations, and unhappinesses to go through. That's why the heck I try so darn hard when it comes to love- it's literally the most important thing to me in the long-term.

15. In the short term, just being happy would take the lead- by whatever means, from spending time alone doing things I enjoy or spending time with friends and their happiness adding to mine.

16. I know for a fact I flip off over a dozen people in an average work day... through the computer. Guestimates put a bad day at over 120 people...... ]]> ~Shawn-Reed http://Shawn-Reed.deviantart.com/journal/23347458/ http://Shawn-Reed.deviantart.com/journal/23347458/ Sun, 22 Feb 2009 16:12:54 PST
Alright, so first of all- if any of you are curious what the hardest video game in existance is, find some youtube footage of a game called 'I wanna be the guy'. Or, better yet, find the game and play it. XD I think I spent X odd hours of last night watching one guy trying to beat the game. I don't know how many hundreds of deaths I saw in the game. I think, though, that game would be a great exercise in psychology. XD Anger management therapy too. XP

Also- I reserved myself a ticket to the Music as a Weapon tour concert on the 21st of next month!!! HUZZAHHHHH! *FFVII victory theme*

I've decided I'm going to take some time for some much-needed cleaning. Of my room. Yeah, it's not really -dirty- or extremely messy, but a little organizing means it would look decent. And I plan to work on my own CD mix, for myself- I want to know I'm living life in my equilibrium. I also have a card game to work on, and exercize to do. Yes! I've started exercizing regularly- just pushups and situps, but making a regular habit out of it makes me feel better about myself. If I can work it in later, maybe I'll try some writing, too- thing is I know when I have lots of plans, something tends to go by the wayside. So that's going to stay the limit of my expectations for today.

Well, aside from getting food. And chocolate milk. Those, I'll do now.

]]> ~Shawn-Reed http://Shawn-Reed.deviantart.com/journal/23114575/ http://Shawn-Reed.deviantart.com/journal/23114575/ Tue, 10 Feb 2009 03:46:48 PST
Assuming deviantart doesn't crash or come to some ugly conclusion between here and now, when, in your time, you decide to look back at your old journal entries having completely forgotten about writing this, I hope for a start, that you can smile.

I am curious to know what made you want to look back. Hopefully it's not some sort of regret for the past... because you know what? You've really got nothing to regret at this time in your life and if you've made one for yourself because you forgot this you deserve to choke on your emotions. Anyway, it is nice to talk with you- you know of course that I care for you, no matter what's happened. Hopefully, goodness me, hopefully you don't need to take advice from -me-, but if it comes down to that, I guess I'll knock some sense into you.

Did you decide to leave Iowa? Or Oskaloosa? I know even now that it would be hard to come up with something more intimidating. Pursuing love for the sake of happiness, that might be it... but hey, that would be if you're still thinking like me. And you know what? I hope a part of you is. The person I love, I give everything I can for her and buddy, it's up to you to cherish that I've worked hard for your sake. But hey, maybe you decided to turn away from what road I hoped you would go down. If so, I hope it was a damn good reason- and I really hope that you've found someone who loves you just for being who you are. I doubt you'll have forgotten all the challenges I've been through- we've been through... I just hope you haven't sacrificed your sense of goodness and honor just because it's hard. With some people, being a really good friend is a thankless job but that's what made me happy about it- that I have been the kind of person to do my best without the encouragement. Frankly, they appreciate you. Even if they forgot they appreciate you, they still have, and could. But dude, if you ever made another mistake like with your first broken heart then I'm gonna beat you up for being a dumbass. All you need to do is be kind, and be confident that being kind and courteous is the right way to show you care about someone.

So hopefully you still have all the friends you do now. If you don't... if you miss any, I'm sorry... I didn't know I would hurt you. And that's the reaction you should have, if any friends are MIA. No matter what the effects of time wrought, you were friends at some point. Shoot, if you can, see if you can contact those who have gone by the wayside. You might be glad if you do. Ok actually, I'm kindof ordering you. No excuse why you wouldn't take the time for people who mean something to you, or meant something to you- get off your lazy ass if you don't feel like it, and if you aren't listening to me you've turned into an ass and I officially give up on you.

Oh, man... However many years go by, I hope you always keep your hope and are most motivated by love. If you've got our dreamgal, congratulations! If I'm being an ass because I'm reminding you how much we've failed, I'm sorry... but I tell you what; I'll do what I can to make sure you can say we've tried. If things have gone -really- well for you, maybe you've got a little 'un running around- though what the heck you'd still be doing on deviantart if you've got a family to take care of I wouldn't know... Still, if that's the case, you're learning probably more than I can imagine. Cherish your family- more than anything. I know if I had one, I would die to protect them. And if you don't have a family, I hope nevertheless that there is someone in your life you would do anything to see happy. Because, damnit, there should be. You deserve that much, and so do a lot of people and you know it. I'd feel horrible if you stepped on anyone's toes to get what you've got.

You know, work shouldn't bog down your life. I know, I know, if you've got something to support on your own it could be hard to make ends meet, even if it's just yourself. Ar least do -something- so you don't turn soulless. Maybe get a cat. You'd love one of your own if you don't already have one, or three. :3

Ok, so you know what? I hope you've found a lover- I've already gotten to my age without ever finding one and if you haven't, ...go ahead and sigh and admit we're pathetic. You probably did miss a good chance - maybe several. Whatever. Now get over it. There -are- other reasons for pushing yourself to optimism. There is the sense of nobility we've had being friends with some very dear people. Still, if a very dear person isn't very close in your life again, I'll kick your ass for scaring them off. I know, it seems like nothing ever works or is good enough- well, ok, maybe you've discovered the remedy for that; goodness, I hope you have. But anyway; a lover would be good for you. Consider it motivation if you're sighing and thinking you've lost all your chances. Get out there and woo... ]]> ~Shawn-Reed http://Shawn-Reed.deviantart.com/journal/23051146/ http://Shawn-Reed.deviantart.com/journal/23051146/ Fri, 06 Feb 2009 23:17:51 PST

1. No matter how hard I try, I will NEVER be as epic as these three things: Lord of the Rings, Final Fantasy VII (and Advent Children), and Star Wars. T_T

2. My favorite number is 68. The number that represents me is 343. Which came, by the way, from being my dorm room number the first time I attempted college.

3. I am much more comfortable writing on the net to people than talking to people in person. If you manage to hold a conversation with me in person that doesn't seem different from my online sociability, I am completely comfortable around you- and, if you were taken out of my life I would carry around a scar of your absense.

4. There is ALWAYS music playing in my car. The radio/CD/audio not being on in my car is like a blasphemy.

5. I am currently single but not looking (because my heart is rather set). I would like to be able to date and be available if anyone decides they would like to ask me out- I'd consider such a possibility, but there is really this one person my heart's wrapped around; and I am hers inside. Anyone else is free to try- just know I'm also trying for her, and I wouldn't want anyone else to be hurt. I will succeed making a life with her in time, whether or not she knows it yet.

6. There are... either two or three people in the world who know my deepest darkest secret. One of them was told when half asleep and I'm not sure they remember much. And only one knows the entire thing.

7. Creative projects I've got going (some on slow burner) -Making a paper-mache mask, drawing a car decal design, making custom CD playlists (lots of them), making my own collectible card games (I'm working on my sixth), writing poetry, writing lyrics, writing a shortstory, writing a novel, *whisper* making a surprise Valentine's gift for someone, making my own clothing *not started yet except materials*, and making AMVs. o.O And that doesn't include everything I do for fun. O.o

8. I preffer to watch television on the computer. Current favorite shows include: Lie to Me, Heroes, Lost, Doctor Who, Eureka, Chuck, and I guess technically a lot of the anime I watch. Please note I don't always -get- to watch what I want. Also note, I would like to sometime watch Dexter, and House.

9. I hear awesome songs in my head that will never get to reach the ears of others because I don't have a way of turning what's in my head into real sound. (I play fiddle/violin, but that doesn't really work for what I hear)

10. I have more Magic:TG cards than reincarnations I need to go through to reach Nirvana. XD (PROBABLY true) XD Oh, I'm a Transcendentalist by the way- I'm jaded in the realm of religion and free spirited in the realm of spirituality. I believe in some things, others I don't, and I'm quite alright with my own opinions unless I decide to change them. And that's kindof how I live my life- I try to live my life in a way I can be happy recieving the consequences for each of my actions.



Tagging: hackid, solielmack, kamikaze-102-ninja, zhon, moeandcherrycoke, bundle-w... uhh... who else reads this?? I'm not even sure each of you do...

]]> ~Shawn-Reed http://Shawn-Reed.deviantart.com/journal/22570444/ http://Shawn-Reed.deviantart.com/journal/22570444/ Wed, 14 Jan 2009 00:13:46 PST
Instead of economic stimuli checks; tax rebates... use the money that -would- be used for these tax rebates in a specific manner. Divide the money by county, according to the would-be-refunded population therein, under -state- regulation. Predesignate that these shares of money will be used to build a facility of industrial or commercial classification capable of supporting X number of jobs, lobbied for by interested businesses that seek to expand in any given county. Sinse the money does not come out of corporate pocketbooks, the opportunity is much like a 'free initial expansion' with the catch being the chosen facility is put to vote out of all interested parties. Given a circumstance where no viable business is interested in lobbying for any particular county, that county's money defaults to the state treasury. A crucial step, is the voting which business to take in, as government on a state level would find a difficult time accurately representing the needs and decisions on a county-sized basis, in essence, usually, each town or city in and of itself. Thus, without a need to commute, there is an even distribution of new jobs across the US, feeding into local economy, and reducing unemployment. Now, all I need is to find a way to introduce my idea where it matters.

]]> ~Shawn-Reed http://Shawn-Reed.deviantart.com/journal/22378742/ http://Shawn-Reed.deviantart.com/journal/22378742/ Sat, 03 Jan 2009 17:16:36 PST
I woke up Wednesday morning and it felt like I had two bricks sewn into my gut. I felt like how that crazy bomb guy on 'The Dark Knight' looks. o.O I would have these stabbing, sharp pains that would travel in waves through my whole body and practically paralyze me with pain. Ohgwah, NOTHING in my entire life has ever hurt as much as those.

Thing is, the day before that, on Tuesday, I felt good enough to go in to work. The day before that, I called off from work because I felt crampy and my back felt all out of whack.

It turns out, my appendix was perforated, and along with the intestine and stuff around it, had gotten sucked down into my bowel. The pressure had caused my bowel to stop working right- so I had a lot of gas build up in my colon that I couldn't get out. I don't think it's too much of a stretch to say I now know what it feels like for a soldier to hold their guts in.

A fair number of very unpleasant things happened... like... how many of y'all have heard of a Catheter? Yeah... one of several indignities in my quest towards relief. And I still have a hole in my gut with a plastic tube running out of it.

But I'm feeling better... kindof. Can't hold down any food yet. Haven't had any -solid- food sinse Tuesday. Don't really feel that's an imposition right now. I've aquired a painfully annoying hiccup when I sit up, and occasional cough. But things were better from the get-go after being knocked out for the surgery. SO much relief. Even if recovering is still painful.

My parents came in several times yesterday, Richard & Megan came in to visit briefly, and Bryan came in a couple times and stayed around and we played cards and scrabble and he stocked my computer with anime & games. Yee. Oh yeah, I'm on my laptop that I got from my parents as a Birthday/Christmas present. Talk about strange luck. It's strange luck that my appendix should wait to burst until I get a laptop, after not having one for years. XD

It's kindof nasty weather outside right now, though. Icy and rather icky. Glad I'm having a nice little vacation... of sorts. I am missing a fair amount of work... after already missing a fair amount because of the weather... but at least I have a reasonable, valid excuse. ^_^' And I do plan on making up for the time with extra worktime when I get back and feeling better. Until then- I'm recovering here in the hospital.

Dun worree, I bee okee.

]]> ~Shawn-Reed http://Shawn-Reed.deviantart.com/journal/22278860/ http://Shawn-Reed.deviantart.com/journal/22278860/ Tue, 30 Dec 2008 11:48:37 PST 001. Name - Shawn
002. Nickname – I used to tote the unflattering title of 'monkey-boy', though these days I have no known nicknames.
003. Status - Single
004. Zodiac sign - Saggitarius Chinese: Metal Dog
005. Male or female - male
006. Elementary - yes indeed
007. High School - also, yes
008. College – "Some college"
009. Smart – I have more sincerity than smarts. ^_^' Mah brain is like an American muscle car with a hemmy engine, it sits on idle and it still thinks it's going. XD
010. Hair color – dark blond
011. Long or short – ~ shoulder length
012. Loud or Quiet - I'm louder online than I am in person.
013. Sweats or Jeans - Jeans
014. Phone or Camera – Basically neither. Still, I'm on the phone at work. I suck using a camera... Probably phone.
015. Health freak – No
016. Drink or Smoke? – Neither, though I've done drinking before
017. Do you have a crush on someone? – If a crush equates to love, yes.
018. Eating or Drinking – XD If I -had- to choose, I could survive longer drinking without eating. XD
019. Piercings – No
020. Tattoos – No
021. Obsessions - Gaming, being worthwhile
022. Chocolate or Vanilla - Chocolate

FIRSTS:
023. First piercing – Never had any
024. First best friend – Natasha- the girl next door, literally- we used to throw sand-filled easter eggs at targets and stuff. I was maybe two or three...
025. First award – Pinewood Derby? No, wait- I remember rewards for track and field days out in California...
026. First crush – Goodness... it was too young an age to even be called a crush, you know? There was a gal named Valerie in California who admitted to liking me when I moved at the end of third grade, and I never got to write back. One of the first stupid things for me to do in a long, long list through life.
027. First pet – Boomer & Cuddles (bulldogs, sweet as you could find) Then Shane, 'my' first pet, a cocker spaniel who was eternally hyper.
028. First big vacation – California to Minnesota visiting my grandparents at their log cabin, back in the day.
029. First major accident - ^_^'' Running over a raccoon with my moped.
030. First big birthday – Ahhhh... with my Birthday so close to Christmas, the gifts often run together. It's hard to remember a distinct and seperate Birthday. Probably in California, with lots of school friends.

HATE:
031. My back hurting
032. People who complain like they mean to imply you could be to blame.
033. Arguments with my favorite friend
034. My chaotic sleeping schedule preventing me from doing something I want to do.
035. Not being able to hang out with friends
036. Onions
037. Not being able to show people what's in my head, 'cause if they could -see-, they could understand.
038. Expensive repairs (on anything)
039. cold weather and ice and missing lots of work

LOVE:
040. Friends (and all the more some privelaged few)
041. My family- my parents are my favorite. XD
042. Gaming
043. Sci-fi/fantasy
044. My job
045. Writing/reading
046. Hearing from/writing to/talking with friends
047. Anime
048. Music

CURRENTLY:
049. Eating – Nothing.
050. Drinking – Chocolate milk.
051. Just Noticed - It's about 1:00PM.
052. I'm about to – Make sandwhiches for work.
053. Listening to – Nothing right now.
054. Plans for today – Well, no chiropractors in town are working this week. So I guess I tough it out and work today, then relax afterwards.
055. Wearing - "Long Spur Outfitter grey shirt with a pheasant on it, and khakhi slacks.
056. Finished - trying to pop my back
057. Need - to work more, and save up money

YOUR FUTURE:
058. Want kids? – I've avowed that if I ever have the privelage of getting married, this would be a decision I would listen to my wife on.
059. Want to get married? – I hope I can someday.
060. Careers – Teleresearcher. I was in security and national safety, but I'm not intimidating physically or mentally.

THINGS THAT MAKE YOU UNIQUE:
061. I have weird double-standards; I could possibly share dating a gal along with someone else if everyone knew about it, but I wouldn't agree if anyone didn't know. Just as an example.
062. I'm the thinnest guy I know at ~120lbs.
063. I actually enjoy Disney and Pixar films. X)
064. I've dropped out of college three times. (wow- I've gotta find a -calling- or something if I want to try that again)
065. I have no sense of smell whatsoever
067. I have unique parents and unique friends.

WHICH IS BETTER FOR A BOY/GIRLFRIEND?
068. Lips or eyes - -Just- between those two? Eyes.
069. Fat or Skinny - Skinny is smexy to me. ^_^
070. Shorter or taller? – Middle ~Shawn-Reed http://Shawn-Reed.deviantart.com/journal/22232360/ http://Shawn-Reed.deviantart.com/journal/22232360/ Sat, 27 Dec 2008 19:40:30 PST
I feel like digging out some of my old CDs, provided I can find the CDs and not just the cases. I also started in on a web-comic I last remember reading years ago. Which will probably be what I do during the quiet of the night, that and/or watch Bleach. I've been making my way slowly through the latter episodes of late. They threw in a totally random filler that makes no sense at the point it's at, but hey, whatevah.

I finished NWN2:MotB. Now it's a debate for me, if there's enough interest for me to play it again right away going the 'evil' route in game, or if I should set it aside for a while?

I've been missing a lot of work lately. The weather- today it was freezing rain and the roads are currently ice-covered, as are the trees, as are basically the works. And so I'm worried about missing tomorrow, too. It's getting to the point Rich & I can't miss more without making some days up, and I intend to do so when I -can-. And also, might face the major change for -me-, of switching around my work schedule which has been pleasantly steady basically since I started. It looks like it may well get switched to Wed-Sat, for more money... though that cuts out BOTH of my possible Magic:TG days at Spuds. Which means I'm going to feel like a sad workaholic geek starving of geekdom.

I do want to elicit change in my life... the most extreme possibility, full out -moving- ... even if temporarily. It seems like the first couple blocks to set that foundation are to pay off my student debt and save up money. And I will admit- not going to Spuds is going to help me save money. Though from my perspective, there's no certainty that makes up for what I'd miss out on. I'm not even going to go the cliche 'Gotta grow up sometime' route, because growing up means deciding what choices you want to make for -yourself-, not that you can't have tons of fun. But, something I do want to 'grow up' about, is being able to handle situations in a manner that doesn't upset people yet gets my point across. I'm at a strange crossroads between needing people and needing to not need people.

Or is it needing certain people more than others, that I need to sort out? The balance. Which reminds me of a humorous story I thought of the other day- I can't remember where I heard it: A father is driving along with his son in the passenger seat. The father had, just earlier, explained to his son that eating too much chocolate is bad for a person. When the son pipes up "Why do you pray so much, then, if too much of something is bad for you?" And the father replies "Well, too much of anything can be bad for you, and I'm no exception. But me and your mom, we balance out- I maintain a few flaws because your mom is so perfect."

And I realize... there are things about me, that I could improve; that trying to make up for with other good traits won't work with. I know I'm not totally to blame for everything, but I'm learning to recognize -how- I do some things wrong, even if I don't know -how- to do those things right. Maybe I'm somewhere in the slow, painstaking process of becoming mature- but who could judge? I've come to realize that the way I think about things can at times be very different from the way the majority of people think about the same thing... and yet, I think my way is better. Granted, trying to express that to the people of a different mind doesn't always work at all, much less work well. But, there are some people who are able to recognize how I think without too much disdain... or, some who have disdain are able to overcome it, these people I can find some lasting connection with. Too many people come and go- and though if I want to make good friends as things change, I need to make new friends, a lot are going to slip through my fingers. And then, friends I already have need attention or they will drift away- rare are those who struggle against this, I notice. Possibly very precious are these people.

The last time I had a friend visit this house, was when I first met Dustin- sometime late this last Spring, I think. Before that- I don't remember. I visit friends, friends don't visit me. These days, I don't really have friends that are visitable. Yet, I do hope in a couple weeks to be able to go up and visit Vince & Amber and their kids at UNI. And when the weather gets a little better I hope to drop by Bryan's and do some file swapping with him. Dustin & Sammi are back together, which somehow seems fundamentally -right- to me... and hey, someday I've got to get myself up to Des Moines and the Borders there because I have $100 in Borders giftcards. XD

One thing, though, that's been driving me to distraction, late... ]]> ~Shawn-Reed http://Shawn-Reed.deviantart.com/journal/22173008/ http://Shawn-Reed.deviantart.com/journal/22173008/ Wed, 24 Dec 2008 17:55:18 PST

Here are a few thoughts to mull over...

If you have food in a refrigerator, clothes on your back, a roof over your head and a place to sleep you are richer than 75% of the world.

If you have money in the bank, in your wallet, and spare change in a dish somewhere... you are among the top 8% of the world's wealthy.

If you wake up this morning with more health than illness, you are more blessed than the million who will not survive this week.

If you have never experienced the danger of battle, the loneliness of imprisonment, or the pangs of starvation, you are ahead of 500 million people.


(mind you, I don't know if these figures are accurate or not, but it makes you grateful, nonetheless)

Heh- and I have had a bit of a stomach something or other the past couple days. Down below the belly button, all tight and cramped feeling; it's starting to pass, though.

I am lucky. I am. My parents bought me a new laptop for my Birthday/Christmas. Many, many hugs to them. Many hugs.

Something important that may happen, soon enough, in my life- is that I may switch the days I work around. Because Sunday is being cut. I don't like it- but... I'm considering working Wed-Sat. Which gives me a three day weekend like I want... but, cuts out BOTH my Magic:TG days at Spuds. For the winter, I ... may not like it, but I ...might. I want to be able to earn more money in order to save some money. I have things I want to do this next year, plans that will take funding. Distant trips, conventions, I'm still struggling to figure out how in the world I can (even temporarily) try relocating myself to a different part of the country... grand designs without much logical route, yet. I want to ... explore more life, if that makes sense. So many people don't DO much with their lives... and I feel like in some ways, I'm in that trap. And I realize the only way I'm going to be able to change anything is to take the initiative and all the prep work myself. And I often lack motivation- and that's my problem, motivation- making anything be worth the time and effort and have staying power. Sometimes, it takes something -forcing- change for me to batten down. I want change- and I don't want change. It's been a really cozy year for me all in all, am I trying to walk the plank here? Only time can tell.

Y'all remember the holiday of my imagination, 'The Long Night'? I got to tell a story to someone during the longest night of the year a few days ago. It's a comforting feeling- and the spirit of belonging, of comradeship and family, during these days, that I do love. *breath* I'm going to go join my family and open presents. *gently hugs people*

]]> ~Shawn-Reed http://Shawn-Reed.deviantart.com/journal/22128430/ http://Shawn-Reed.deviantart.com/journal/22128430/ Mon, 22 Dec 2008 18:53:34 PST

Your Name:
Shawn ( Why, isn’t Urban Dictionary sweet? )

A very sexy, strong, independent man who is also very sensitive. Shawns are usually brunette and very appealing!

Damn look at Shawn, too bad hes taken

Your Nickname:
monkey boy ( XD )

The current occupant of the White House.

George W. Bush thinks, acts, and looks like a monkey. Therefore he is a monkey boy.

Relationship Status:
single (Gah, so, so true…

When you are currently not in a relationship with a significant other.

It usually does not bother you, but the problems start when selfish and inconsiderate assholes rub in the fact that they have someone, and start saying they "love their oh-so-sexy boyfriends/girlfriends" and start going on and on about what he/she does for them, CAN do, and blah blah.

NOBODY CARES HOW GREAT HE/SHE IS TO YOU!! If you're taken, and love your partner a lot, then good for you, but for goodness's sakes, at least show some consideration for SINGLE people! Some of these people may even be heartbroken ones, who have been abused by past partners, or just simply some that are sick of hearing about some stupid narrow-sighted people who only see either how "hot" their partner is, or how much money he/she has.

Talk about your partner if you want to.. but.. just calm down about it. Your life does not fucking revolve around him/her, so don't act like it.

single person: Hi. I am single.

taken person: HIII! OMFG I'm TAKEN by OMG the BEEESSTT guy EVVVEERRR!! He's SOOO cute and OMFG we go to MOVIES together and do FRENCH KISSES and all!! YAYYY FLOWERS and ICE CREAM and PRESENTS!!! He's SOOO awesome and makes me SOOOO HAPPY!!!!

single person: -_-.... *walks away*

You describe your best friend as:
Independant Woman (LMAO!!!)

Certain sub species of the 'fairer' sex that thinks she can 'take care of herself' and 'don't need no man to pay her bills'. Often delusional and may require a firm hand to see the light.

Im an Independant Woman. I don't need no help from no scrub. How do I wire this plug??
Im an Independant Woman. Aint no man gonna run my life. How do I set this video recorder??

What should you be doing?
cleaning ( XD hahaha this is so me )

(v) The act of shoving everything in a closet and calling it decent.

"I'm cleaning my closet."
"Where are you shoving all your stuff then?"
"My room."
"Ah."

Favorite food?
lobster ( In this context, this is funny. XP )

Your true love that you will always go back to =] see "Friends" the TV program, Pheobe calls Ross Rachels lobster.

You are my lobster
He is my lobster
She is my lobster

Home state?
california ( Why did I have to ever move? XP )

1. State the produces more food than anywhere else, has crazy night life, large schools, hot women, a load of stuff to do, and a the longest beach anybody has ever seen.
2. A place you'll want to stay in once you visit get there.
3. Extremely diverse.
3. Much more entertaining than Texas.

California.

Current state of residence?
Iowa ( so now, you know… or, oh, hey, -that-‘s the reason. )

Not the best state in the country, but very far from the worst. Home to three million people, some really sweet cities, three great univerties, a whole bunch of stellar small private colleges and a ton of true natural beauty in its lush northeast bluff country and statewide river valleys, lakes, and yes, rolling fields. Iowa is a national leader in education (students in many other states including Texas take the Iowa Test of Basic Skills, and everyone's heard of the ACT, based in Iowa City) and is leading the way in biofuels to reduce the nation's dependence on oil. To dispel the ignorance displayed elsewhere on this post, here's a state breakdown of cities and topography. If seventy synonyms for boobs is alright to post, so is this.

Central Iowa: Des Moines, located at the intersection of I-80 and I-35, is the largest city with a metro of a half million and is the state capital, second only to London for the title of insurance capital of the world. Ames (80,000 metro) is about a half hour north of Des Moines and is home to Iowa State University, a land grant school of 30,000 respected around the world for its engineering and agricultural programs. Central Iowa is, outside of river vallies, very flat, and outside of the Des Moines area and A... ]]> ~Shawn-Reed http://Shawn-Reed.deviantart.com/journal/22058505/ http://Shawn-Reed.deviantart.com/journal/22058505/ Thu, 18 Dec 2008 23:29:24 PST
It always takes me so long to get things together. Whenever I need to take something to go someplace- it takes me a long time to prepare things. Sending snail mail is even more exaggerated, often so much so it never gets accomplished. I really want to summon some willpower and buckle down on this... getting a large ice storm rolling through tonight is not going to help at all, though. Because even if I could send them out tomorrow, I wouldn't want to drive on these roads to the postoffice.

So guess what? I'm 26. Yeppers. Getting old, though hopefully my heart remains youthful. And hopefully my soul is somewhat wizened. I hope I'm getting better as a friend, even though I'm still awkward sometimes. And something I fondly wish, is to be able to visit friends this year who are far away.

]]> ~Shawn-Reed http://Shawn-Reed.deviantart.com/journal/21973438/ http://Shawn-Reed.deviantart.com/journal/21973438/ Sun, 14 Dec 2008 01:44:22 PST
And my sleeping schedule is still out of whack; I'm having difficulty getting it turned around- I find my lack of control of myself while asleep disturbing. ^_^' I find the process of telling myself to wake up and being told by myself to sod off rather amusingly frustrating. XD

The actuality of making gifts this year got started because of something called Card Attack- a deviantart community project, the first I've joined actually. It's helped pull me into an arts&crafts phase- or, opened me to craftwork.

And the creation doesn't quite stop there- of late I've had songs getting stuck in my head by Lordi and Dethklock. XD Which is inspiring me to make a 'monster metal' CD. Basically, literally. Songs about monsters.

It's a big load, though- trying to get so much done so quickly. ^_^'' I'm trying not to feel swamped, but I am more busy than usual for me. I'll pay attention to anyone who says anything to me, it just might take a little while for me to get there. Thanks for the patience y'all!

]]> ~Shawn-Reed http://Shawn-Reed.deviantart.com/journal/21879831/ http://Shawn-Reed.deviantart.com/journal/21879831/ Mon, 08 Dec 2008 10:52:29 PST
Y'see, of late, I've been in deep hermit mode. Not for a -long- time, but enough for me to notice and say 'Hey, I've been more antisocial than usual lately.' -I'd call it a winter adaptation, to some extent. I don't have much chance to get out, nor do I really have friends around I can hang out with- so doing solo activities helps my happiness in some ways. But I'm rather surprised- I'm relying on less human interaction than I'd have thought I'd want. Granted, I keep bugging a couple individuals... XD But even that isn't so very much overboard/top priority for me right now. Huh.

Maple Story, story writing, Utawarerumono ...before that Beck, Gladiatus, Chaotic, NWN2:Mask of the Betrayer, these are all things I've sunk my time into. Ah- and regarding the story writing, I've gotten about halfway through a shortstory I plan to post here on deviantart... YAY! Finally, something to show for my time!

Hey, randomly- any of you maybe seen that Coke commercial with the guy with all the guests, singing? "Joy... enough to go 'round... enough to go round... enough to go round and around and around..." ...I like that song. XD

Hmm... I still haven't decided what I want to do for my Birthday. I wonder if there'll be any 'good' movies coming out about that time?

Letsee, I got the Dethalbum from Richard yesterday. Dethklock! Gotta love it! The lyrics are absolutely hilarious. The instrumentals are -amazing-... very tight, very catchy, very awesome, very metal. XD So I will assuredly be headbanging to that on the way to and from work today. Whether I get to do so tomorrow is a matter of weather- it's supposed to snow tonight, and might get ugly out there. I'd be happy if we ended up short on sample tonight- I dunno why, but I'm not greatly keen about working today. Aht, actually, bet I do know why... I had to spend a couple hours yesterday doing the Jewish Heritage Survey. That thing is a NIGHTMARE. I actually got two completes. o.O Which is actually really amazing, for -that- survey. OVER TWENTY FRIGGIN MINUTES, for one thing... I won't go into detail o'er the rest... but I shudder.

Fwah. To write? Or to anime? To write anime?? Naaah. XD Look. See how I mutter nonsense? Teh season maketh me goofy. Tah tah a mes amis. XD

]]> ~Shawn-Reed http://Shawn-Reed.deviantart.com/journal/21811093/ http://Shawn-Reed.deviantart.com/journal/21811093/ Thu, 04 Dec 2008 06:11:06 PST

It seems like things never quite go as planned... Yesterday, I had planned to go to the Jagermeister tour concert with Rev Theory, Trapt, and Hinder, in Des Moines... but did not. There were 41 reported accidents in the Des Moines area yesterday. o.O So at least I'm safe and sound... if a bit dissappointed. I like all three bands... Probably Trapt the most out of them. *sigh*

So I've been binging on anime a lot recently. I swept through the entire series called 'Beck' in just a couple days- that's 24 episodes, so 12 hours worth, roughly. I HIGHLY recommend the series ESPECIALLY for anyone in the slightest who is musically inclined. Ah; and on that...

Guess what? I've been thinking about trying to learn to play drums. Oddest situation to want to start ever. A while back, Wal-Mart in town had Rock Band 2 set up as a promotional thing with guitar and drums. Granted, the drums had no footpedal which is a -huge- factor, BUT... having NEVER played drums before, within the first HOUR I was playing the game on EXPERT and consistantly getting over 90% on some songs! I can consistantly score 96% on Chop Suey with those conditions... SO... I had two people tell me that I could probably play drums. So I asked around and found out there's a place in Ottumwa where I can ask about lessons. It would be kinda 'spensive, $10 a lesson (about an hour each), probably once a week... but I'm really thinking about it. Or at least seeing what I could do. *points at a particular drum-inclined friend* What do you think?! XD

Let me tell you all about another project I want to do. I want to make a costume. As a long term project. I want to put together something really cool. I have an idea for doing a paper-mache mask... I just need some prep-work. I haven't put my writing aside; I'm still going on it, actually. My story is at twenty pages right now, I've been writing a little bit at a time. It seems like certain sections are easier to write than others. ^_^' ~ But I kindof feel like my gallery here is suffering a little because of the amount of time I'm putting into a project that's not getting submitted. So I'm considering something... writing short stories following a seperate character in the same 'world'. Which would take time away from the main project... but would give me the same creative outlet and be right here for you. Hmm... Something I'll think on.

What else have I been up to? Well, I've been playing Maple Story again... XD What? It's irresistably cute! And I've been kicking butt with Gladiatus- an online time-lapse style 'game'. Got to #1 in the lvl 10-19 tier arena and stayed there about a day before people challenging me and losing kicked me up to level 20. Hee... I soak up LOTS of damage with my uber armor level. But such a sidetrack- oh; subtle reminder for y'all. My Birthday will be the 17th, if you forgot or didn't know. No excuses. Anywhoo, I like my quiet life. Or I've gotten used to it with a lack of close-by friends... though it's partially thanks to a few of you long-distancers who have helped me keep my mood up, I owe you a thanks.

]]> ~Shawn-Reed http://Shawn-Reed.deviantart.com/journal/21541629/ http://Shawn-Reed.deviantart.com/journal/21541629/ Mon, 17 Nov 2008 19:57:09 PST Aren'tcha sweet. Well, things seem to be on a rather even course now. I'm balancing fairly decently between all the things I want to get done. I write to friends (online friends have become more important than others who are closer because, basically, I talk with them more... and actually feel more kinship with them/you right now), I write on my story now and then, I watch Heroes or Bleach, I play NWN2, I play Chaotic, I play Magic:TG down at Spuds- I'm contently centered. I'm talking with new people, trying to make new (and good) friends but -it's not happening instantaneously, and I'm rather ok with that right now. I've been thinking about creative projects, I've been using my time in what I would consider productivity. I accept that things take time; I'm living conscientious of those who are willing to open up to me- I'm leaning towards those who will lean towards me and not extending to the point of -worry- those who don't. I'm being polite to people I realize are not my friend at a deep level, but aren't bad either. Basically, I'm re-gaining my center. It's been happening, and I'm 'content'.

I've grown slightly closer to my parents, too. Not by a lot, but... I do feel like I talk with them a little more, that I'm not so cold as I normally would be.

I could seek out something absolutely new and exciting for my life... but winter is approaching and so cloaking myself in quiet geek pursuits seems about perfect. Still, I think I shall accept what life has in store for me.

]]> ~Shawn-Reed http://Shawn-Reed.deviantart.com/journal/21329956/ http://Shawn-Reed.deviantart.com/journal/21329956/ Tue, 04 Nov 2008 21:51:00 PST
Ok, so my friends, my watchers, anyone who actually glances at my journal... I feel more than a little patriotic tonight.

Any of you catch Obama's speech as President elect? I feel supremely GOOD about having voted, and GOOD about these years to come. I feel comradeship, hope, I feel as if the chains of the bitter and disposessed have a chance to be slipped off the shoulders of those weighted down by fear and doubt. This is, to say the least, a happy moment for me- one I've been waiting on for eight years. I feel... as though the strength of resolve in the man we are electing into office stands as a form of testimant in the strength of resolve we as people need to have in each other, and in a more personal way, the strength I need to have and exhibit when times are hard for me. I believe in grace under fire, and a united front when facing a problem. I feel the strength of one comes from the strength of all, and so by these beliefs and these ideals, I have strong a strengthened belief in our ability as people, in individual terms, to find strength and find resolve and achieve the hope we strive for.

I -congratulate- you, each of you, in the strength within you. The compassion, the willpower, the hopes and the desire to be all that you can be as a person, to do all that you can do for those you care for. Bless you, bless us all~ may we find a voice together.

]]> ~Shawn-Reed http://Shawn-Reed.deviantart.com/journal/21241807/ http://Shawn-Reed.deviantart.com/journal/21241807/ Fri, 31 Oct 2008 02:20:58 PDT

I've been... better, or... getting better, on my inner level. It's this harmonic combination... of new friends here on deviantart that I'm making, talking with and helping and being helped by, and the writing that I'm doing both on my story and in my poetry, and some dawning understanding of the balance- not relying on one other person to be happy, but still going slightly out of the way to share a bit of happiness with them. Granted, cautiously- I have hope that maybe Lee will listen to and believe me, and can be accepting of small steps in trust when/if my views get to be somewhat similar to hers. There's still distance... I just know now that she might be paying attention to me after all. I'm glad- maybe not relying on her so heavily is what she really wanted. Though I can't speak for her. It makes me realize I have two things I need to do at the same time. One, is to keep going as I've been going, evolving into myself so I burn brightly as a person on my own, without sucking so much energy from her. The other, is to follow what my heart says being a good friend is. And the challenge for me, in that, is separating the purity of friendship from the tainted ache of my own loneliness. With support from other people and other sources, I think I might have a chance. o.O

This week is kindof bust on me- at least the holiday seems to have become utterly moot. Except the candy. Ah, candy. It's just that I'm working. Yes, on Halloween. It sucks- caused by a work scheduling snafu, partially on my part, from misunderstanding something in re-filling out the schedules for shift-availability. I've got six workdays this week. Tuesday was my one day off. My next is next Wednesday. Argh. At least, thankfully, my next paycheck should be good. hehehe I can accept one week of overload for that, I suppose. Very much in the same tone as the line in the Red Green show: 'I am a man, but I can change, if I have to, I guess.' XD Wonderful way of putting things for me, right now. So what all else? Well, unfortunately my friend Richard has been sick the last couple days and it's looking as though I may get to do nothing special whatsoever for Halloween. Ah; gotta get Bryan a B-day present! *nodnods* Maybe I can at least do that much... drop by -Bryan's- with my 'Martial Arts Masters: 9 Movies on 3 DvDs' that hasn't been opened yet. Ok, good- at least I have a plan for tomorrow again.

I've been testing different proxied Magic:TG decks for States... watching a bit more of Bleach... tried to load The Witcher: Enhanced Edition but need more processing power on my computer... oh, got trained in the new Toyota directory at work today... yeah; overall things have been decent. Now, if dark emotional clouds can stay away, I'll be reasonably good for a while.

]]> ~Shawn-Reed http://Shawn-Reed.deviantart.com/journal/21164825/ http://Shawn-Reed.deviantart.com/journal/21164825/ Sun, 26 Oct 2008 02:20:08 PDT
I went up to catch a live music performance at the House of Bricks in Des Moines tonight. The place has a local sort of fame for good music. Ok, so the show ROCKED!!! Like, multiple eargasms. XP Ok, totally uncharacteristic of me to say something like that- it's just ****in' AMAZING! Like, in the midst of their set they impromptu start Iron Maiden's 'Run To The Hills'! Ahhhhhhhhhh!!!! ****in' EPIC!!! I gain a level! XD Like, anyway- so after getting done and starting home, guess what song plays on the radio? 'Run To The Hills'! XD I'll bet money someone requested it after that awesome show! And I'm like, inspired and in awe; my friend Dustin is the guitarist and he's playing music that's like, tier 1- that should be famous, epic EPIC guitar skillz! It makes me feel even more passionate about my writing. He's improved since joining Dark Mirror (I can tell), and it's like his calling. I want to produce my own epic... y'know? I mean, an epic story would be pretty much it exactly but I mean epic as in that part of a person that radiates the feeling of awesomeness to everyone around. That.

Oh! Btw, I got a Dark Mirror CD! So, all of my friends who I have e-mails for are going to recieve a song or two from me soon- like it or not. ^_^' Though I really do hope my being generous doesn't annoy anyone. And I also won things. I got two free t-shirts and a cap, as well as a bottle of wine (didn't last long, I shared it with the band) and cupcakes. Technically, for four dollars... (through buying raffle tickets) Boo-yah?

I am... quite worn out and tired, physically. As always when it's hard music, I was right up front going wild. ^_^

]]> ~Shawn-Reed http://Shawn-Reed.deviantart.com/journal/21128479/ http://Shawn-Reed.deviantart.com/journal/21128479/ Thu, 23 Oct 2008 16:11:59 PDT How shall I record the events transpiring in life at present? I do suppose still most important to me at present is a certain major readjustment within myself... call it practical if you want- it's about looking at things from a realist point of view, or just building a more internalized space to let my inner dreamer wander about. I've been -helping- people, since the tragedy. Personal tragedy, I rephrase. Helping people like this is what I wanted. Giving advice based on my own experiences in life- left to deal with my own weight, for some reason helping to lift the weight from others makes me feel slightly lighter. But I still have the urges to -talk-, to -explain-, to simply go on as if nothing has happened. I push these down; I say to myself the terms I seek to speak are in shift day to day, and so it is not time. Much as I feel time is slipping away from me... I feel that lifting the weight from -those- shoulders is the greatest challenge before me, if I truly wish to lift my own.

My writing has been at pause, mainly because of this - an excuse simply holding me back. That, and a teeny bit of writer's block. I bought 'The Witcher' enhanced edition for distraction... but it keeps freezing up when I try to start a new game. Piss. It looks really cool, too. I did so because I wrote a statement pleading not guilty concerning my speeding ticket... due to my unawareness of the reduction in speed limit. This is something yet to be determined- whether I am be-fined or not has some waiting to do.

I've got a new Magic deck ready to test for States'... I'm in the midst of a good book, I want to finish the first chapter of my story, my friend Dustin has a gig in Des Moines at the House of Bricks on Saturday I'm going to, and if I can get this game to work there's that too... I could binge on Bleach or Heroes, ah, and I want to make another custom CD for Halloween... and carve a jack'o'lantern, given half a chance. Oi. Lots to do, not the time for it all. Oh, and I need to go back to KV again tomorrow to help my mom... which means tomorrow is going to be a looong day. *small sigh* When I get the first chapter of my story done, everyone will know... I know some people are waiting. Thank you, each who is.

Ah, PS- I got a chance to play some Rockband the other day at Wal-Mart. Ok, so... here's the thing. They had both guitar and drums set up, but the drums didn't have the foot pedal. Alright; I admit if they did, I'd have really done bad... BUT, -without- the footpedal, I discovered the first day of trying them that I could do most of the songs on EXPERT and consistantly get over 80%, up to the low nineties. IE, I r teh happy I rawk! XD I'm especially good at Chop Suey -without- the footpedal (I realize how insanely hard it would be -with- the footpedal) and also really enjoy 'The Middle' by Jimmy Eat World.

]]> ~Shawn-Reed http://Shawn-Reed.deviantart.com/journal/21069717/ http://Shawn-Reed.deviantart.com/journal/21069717/ Sun, 19 Oct 2008 19:22:59 PDT I came back home and there was an e-mail for me that helped me sort some things out. There's one friend of mine who I've grown dependant on. Like an addict would grow dependant on a drug- I realize it's true. I'm not sure I can learn to be a non-dependant friend, but, I'm happier about why I need to walk away for a while. I'm not happy about the whole situation- a friendship breaking apart is never a happy occasion, at least I know why, though. And because of hanging out tonight, I feel maybe not every friend is so distant after all; we all just have lives that go our own way. I know what I want- to be a good person and a good friend. It's ok for me to pursue this for myself. Because I want to. I do have a great restructuring to do with my life; I'm not sure yet how I will- but it feels better to not be in agony. It may take me a while to be -good-... it might be ok to think of me as like an addict trying to come off a drug; except it's a person.

]]> ~Shawn-Reed http://Shawn-Reed.deviantart.com/journal/21056532/ http://Shawn-Reed.deviantart.com/journal/21056532/ Sun, 19 Oct 2008 01:59:26 PDT
]]> ~Shawn-Reed http://Shawn-Reed.deviantart.com/journal/21040957/ http://Shawn-Reed.deviantart.com/journal/21040957/ Sat, 18 Oct 2008 02:02:31 PDT A: No, to my occasional dismay.
02) What was your dream growing up?
A: As a child, I wanted to be a Paleontologist. Now... I'd like to write and publish a book and be a good person and someday have a family.
03) What talent do you wish you had?
A: I don't know... something worth something to someone.
04) If I bought you a drink what would it be?
A: non-alcoholic- I like both chocolate milk and lemonaide. alcoholic? *sigh* mixed Pucker if I want taste, everclear if I want inebriation
05) Favorite vegetable?
A: vegetable??? Err... artichoke.
06) What was the last book you read?
A: I'm reading Perdito Street Station. Before that, Across Realtime.
07) What zodiac sign are you?
A: Saggitarious
08) Any Tattoos and/or Piercings? Explain where.
A: none at all; and that itself is my expression
09) Worst Habit?
A: *sigh* Trying to talk with people who don't want to talk with me.
10) If you saw me walking down the street would you offer me a ride?
A: Hold out your thumb, that would help. Unfortunately, if I'm in a hurry... no, I would not. But if I'm not in a rush to get someplace, I would want to try, yes.
11) What is your favorite sport?
A: ...I'm not a big sports fan. I like sports videogames a lot more than actual sports.
12) Do you have a Pessimistic or Optimistic attitude?
A: I try to be optimistic; it can be hard sometimes but I still try
13) What would you do if you were stuck in an elevator with me?
A: Sit down, possibly talk. If the elevator is stuck, there'd be no sense worrying about time, though hopefully there would be rescue before the air runs out. o.O So maybe talking would be bad... but I dunno; I might because I might actually -meet- you more than just pass by, you know? Friendships start that way, I think.
14) Worst thing to ever happen to you?
A: Broken heart
15) Tell me one weird fact about you.
A: I believe I have a connection with a spiritual entity I know as June. The weird in that, is, I -believe- it.
16) Do you have any pets?
A: Our house has three cats who own us.
17) What if I showed up at your house unexpectedly?
A: Err... depends on who you are. But if -anyone- shows up at my house who I know... I'd probably be happy. I never get anyone visiting... ever.
18) What was your first impression of me?
A: Again... depends on who you are. Where I yoinked the quiz from? -Another person who seems to understand some of the hardship I'm going through. Maybe in a different way, but, am I supposed to talk with them because I'm here?
19) Do you think clowns are cute or scary?
A: Kindof... creepy. Usually creepy.
20) If you could change one thing about how you look, what would it be?
A: How I look? ... I know it's stupid and shallow, but maybe I'd be more attractive to the person most important to me.
21) Would you be my crime partner or my conscience?
A: I guess, both.
22) What color eyes do you have?
A: blue-green
23) Ever been arrested?
A: No.
24) Bottle or can soda?
A: Price? What's cheaper, what's more readily available?
25) If you won $10,000 today, what would you do with it?
A: Pay off all debts... and move.
27) What's your favorite place to hang out at?
A: In front of my computer. ^_^' Whiling away at my life here.
28) Do you believe in ghosts?
A: Not in the strictest sense, but in haunting memories, yes. Same for impressions so strong they 'last' through time.
29) Favorite thing to do in your spare time?
A: Use my computer. Play Magic:TG.
30) Do you swear a lot?
A: Depends on who is around me. Sometimes, othertimes I don't.
31) Biggest pet peeve?
A: Being ignored?
32) In one word, how would you describe yourself?
A: human
33) Do you believe/appreciate romance?
A: yes
34) Favourite and least favourite food?
A: Lobster seconded by Fettuccini Alfredo... least favorite is onion
35) Do you believe in God?
A: Yes. ...Although I am not religious. I doubt I share common views with many people and I just want to be left to that.

]]> ~Shawn-Reed http://Shawn-Reed.deviantart.com/journal/21024848/ http://Shawn-Reed.deviantart.com/journal/21024848/ Thu, 16 Oct 2008 23:04:47 PDT
Of course, Shawn. Is there something particular on your mind?

Yes. Except the more I think about it, the more ... Why complain about something I can't deal with to people who are not involved?

Sometimes, you do not find an answer within. This is when friends and people who care about you are able to help.

...But that's the problem. The friend who is most important to me, who I most want to hear from, wants to shut me out of her life and I'm scared, June... To the point where, I wonder if anyone actually cares below the surface... Like, if you make one mistake, you become a burdon. ... ... I don't know if ... she... has the right way of things, or is the one making it all difficult.

Oh, Shawn. There are times where there is not a right way or a wrong way, there is a human way. A decision is made. A mind can hold tight or can find a flexibility. Suppose a moment the tenacity you hold to improving the bond that exists between you both is at the same strength in her mind of needing time away from you? Can your mind change? Can her mind?

I don't like the philosophy in that. It's like, turn around and decide the opposite of what you had been thinking, making what you have a victory rather than a defeat. It would be fine if that was the desired result... but it isn't about winning or losing or being right or wrong or any philosophical simplicity like that; not really. It's about being a friend. A good friend- why is it the better I am at this, the more distant she wants to be?

Have you ever done something you do not want to do?

What do you mean?

... Do you sometimes act in a way you know a part of you would preffer not to?

Ah. ...Yes. I wonder if that's part of the reason the tension built between us in the first place.

Perhaps you are not the only person who is not always in complete control of their actions, or words. She may be of more than one opinion at the same time as you occasionally are. It may be, she would like to talk with you, and is compelled not to do so as you are likewise compelled to do so.

I don't really have any illusions it's as bad for her as it is for me.

It might not be. It would be unlikely that she does not feel and think about it at times. This may be her way of dealing with the same sort of pain that you feel, by doing what she is able to take it away from herself. As you attempt to deal with your pain by trying to repair the distance that has come into your friendship, she may be attempting to deal with the pain by trying to place distance into the friendship. What is the source of your pain?

... ... ... I don't know.

The pain you have, not the pain for her.

... I... suppose... not feeling loved. Cared for. Feeling valued, like a needed friend.

If that causes you pain, which creates an effect that causes her pain, which causes her to push you away, which causes you to feel unloved, which causes you pain and repeats the cycle, then what are you able to do to stop?

I wish I could choose to not feel pain over that, but it's not who I am. I feel hurt by feeling neglected.

Must you show her you feel hurt by her?

...

If she believes that she is causing you pain, she may believe it is better for you to be without her.

That's... I ..n-not , I mean, ... I don't want her to think that. AM I causing myself pain, though? Feeling unwanted?

Hmm. Let me ask you a question, and see what you think. If hiding the pain you feel with time creates a better bond of friendship and causes you to stop feeling as pained, where did the pain originate?

... ... Ahhh... Ok, let me check something. Are you possibly implying that hiding my hurt feelings might be a bit like her deciding to talk with me on her terms? A sort of... compromise?

I am not stating the future. Only discussing possible options for you. It may be so, but it may be not.

So maybe, hiding my hurt causing the hurt to eventually not be there would be like her trusting me enough to talk and eventually learning the trust is able to be placed?

Like you say, it may be.

But how do I gain audience if she will not listen to me?

If you believe she will not listen, she can believe you will not listen to her as well. Do you wish this?

No, but...

Patience.

...

She is able to be forgiving of you, but you must give her time. I know that you are not certain of what to do in the meanwhile, but as chances are given to you it is your responsibility to react in the manner you truly desire. And if you expect her to do her part as a caring friend then you must expect of yourself the same, to be a caring friend and get it all rig... ]]> ~Shawn-Reed http://Shawn-Reed.deviantart.com/journal/21017848/ http://Shawn-Reed.deviantart.com/journal/21017848/ Thu, 16 Oct 2008 14:23:36 PDT
Can I ask some opinions... ? When you find something you are passionate about, what is it worth? I had a dream last night of checking the myspace page of a friend of mine and seeing 'Bid adeu passion' written as title- I'm scared of losing a friend. Why the hell do I place this friend over every other? I don't get treated well... but I know I'm the exception, not the norm. Life truly feels quite empty without some form of presence from this person, and writing seems to be the ONLY thing able to stand up. What in the world do you do when people say 'just let go' or 'give up' and you aren't able to? Have you become a villain, or is the role one of a tragic hero? Being addicted to a person sucks... fuck, WHY THE HELL AM I SO NEEDY? *sigh* Sorry. Just taking out some frustration. I want friendship to be one thing I'm good at... this happening is breaking down my perception of myself as a capable friend. I need to be able to consider myself a capable writer- I need to be able to feel I can improve. Because I try improving my capability as a friend and it seems like each step forward I take it ends up two steps back. For I guess anyone who reads this- I've got a deep seated emotional struggle going on inside me with my sense of self-confidence and self-worth and personal value being at stake.

I -reaaaaallly- reallyreallyreallyreally need needneedneeeeeed to find someone to care for me when I feel insecure. I feel like I -could- shine as a person, as long as someone keeps polishing me. I don't know why I can't do it by myself; I'm doing the best I can- I want my best friend so much I sometimes wanna cry, if I can't... all I can think of is to find a new best friend. Something I have no control over, though I can give a wholehearted effort. Noone can take the place of someone else.

]]> ~Shawn-Reed http://Shawn-Reed.deviantart.com/journal/20883876/ http://Shawn-Reed.deviantart.com/journal/20883876/ Wed, 08 Oct 2008 02:26:52 PDT

I cannot express in words how happy this makes me- I simply fail to come close. And yet, there is a duality; I want to share my writing with anyone who gives even a dead rat's ass... (pardon my language, it's for emphasis) but, BUT, I'm not posting this story here on deviantart. Yeah; I wish to reserve my complete rights to this work, intending that should I finish this, I will try to get it published. A long time coming that may be, but thems the stix. Yet my desire to share this with you borders on neurotic... or something like that; basically, I really really really really want a bit of an audience. ^_^' I want to do this in a special way: I want to show this story to you -as I write it-. Kindof like a hook-line-and-sinker deal that keeps you wanting the next episode in a good TV series. XD That way, I hope to have interested people soaking up what I'm writing, and plenty of motivation not to give up the ghost partway through. The joy I get from writing tonight is for myself, it's true, but I get just as much joy in a different way from people being able to see and enjoy what I've written. And ...some people who I want to see it might not be interested in it wholeheartedly. Drop preconceptions and let me have a chance to captivate you in a story!

And, here's the kicker. The world I created for this story, and many of the characters and setting in general, are formed of my own conglomeration of inspirations from art here on deviantart! One thing is certain- you can't stop inspiration. However, I recognize the right for an artist to maintain certain privelages concerning their original ideas. I hope to, during the course of my writing, introduce my writing to some of these artists who have helped to inspire me and would be deeply honored to give honorable mention to them in areas where deserved. My story is itself an original work and thus, won't be changed if depiction permissions or inspirational sourcing are denied, in such cases my idea and a possible inspirational source shall not have ties of any form but shall remain in likeness or description. (ugh, disclaimer?) On the other hand, full credit will be given to the source/artist of inspirational works any bit of my story is drawn from with permissions. In other words, I would like to refference existing artwork while sharing my story. Flatter a few artists, if I may.

Now, the thing I need, is to know who is interested in reading it?! I can a) e-mail you installments, or b) deviantnote you installments. Probably a few pages at a time... whatever I finish in a session of writing. A special note- give my writing a chance- if you find yourself mentally opposed to my writing for some reason early on (maybe), I would greatly respect you talking with me about it and offering critical analysis- though your discontent may or may not be a lingering factor through the entirety of the story. I respectfully ask you to not give up on it for my sake or the stories' sake, for it needs critics as well as fans. Of course, I'm being a bit zealous about this- it's a part of my excitement and some may not share this enthusiasm even after reading some... but, I appreciate everyone who is willing to help me in this passion of mine. If I've directed you here, it means I want to know if you would be willing to read what I've written. In such case, yes or no are both respectful, and silence is quite disrespectful. (as there are people who don't like to answer such things, for whatever reason) -I deeply appreciate your involvement, or confirmed non-involvement.

Always,
Shawn

]]> ~Shawn-Reed http://Shawn-Reed.deviantart.com/journal/20740233/ http://Shawn-Reed.deviantart.com/journal/20740233/ Mon, 29 Sep 2008 11:48:33 PDT
You'll find each song in my 'listening to' part just below my current mood here in the journal.

Maybe... I can take life day by day like this, and make something ordinary into something poetic.

]]> ~Shawn-Reed http://Shawn-Reed.deviantart.com/journal/20715568/ http://Shawn-Reed.deviantart.com/journal/20715568/ Sun, 28 Sep 2008 01:33:04 PDT
Lee always says that aquaintances can be forgotten, and friends are eternal. Could she -really- forget about me after this much time we've spent being odd friends? There are 44 people in my lifetime who I can say I believe I am friends with; who, I feel inclined to be a friend to based on the distant or recent past. She probably doesn't mean it in such a way, but a person can forget the good things about someone, too. They can forget what to look for and how to recognize what they see for what it is, and see negative things in everything about a person. I don't want that to happen to me.

I want to spend this time training myself to be stronger, and kinder. I want to protect her. I want to be able to fill her mind with belief in the world and reasons to enjoy it. I want to tell her that's what I want. People are flawed but beautiful. I always find a way to forgive her for everything she does I don't agree with. But the hurt feeling needs time to drain out of me and I need to be much stronger than I am at this level to be able to stand up to her with the constant wisdom and kindness of a real friend. It's in here, in me, but I'm not strong enough and delicate enough to succeed in not hurting her at the same time as I give my all. I have to be able to believe in myself if no one will do it for me, and I have to believe in other people if they won't do it for me.

That is all, for tonight. I want to sleep.

]]> ~Shawn-Reed http://Shawn-Reed.deviantart.com/journal/20699379/ http://Shawn-Reed.deviantart.com/journal/20699379/ Sat, 27 Sep 2008 05:58:28 PDT
Me and Lee agreed to take a 'don't talk with each other for however long until one of us cracks'... The problem is... how I feel about it. I don't think silence solves anything. Indeed, I'm not sure what to think because she's become the most important person to me in life.

Ok, so for those of you out there who can relate and understand, think about what it's like to get used to something for two-and-three-quarters years. Then think about adjusting to a change you percieve to be for the worse. I'm not sure what to do to try to fill in something so important to me. To put it in a way you could maybe understand- it would be like your best friend dissappearing- you don't know if they moved, if they're dead, if they don't want to talk with you, if you'll ever see them again, or if things could ever be as they've been. Yet with this- I know I'm weak. I would be the one to try contacting her again, because despite it all, I love her. I can't understand her opinion or view of me- there are too many things that seem to conflict with each other. She seems to really value me sometimes, and other times she just treats me like shit. *takes a breath*

I know she's not a perfect person, but she's the one person in life I've ever come to see perfectly. She's been the one person I could always always trust to listen to me when I need to write out my thoughts and the one person I can feel the most myself around. I want for her above all other people to accept me as a person; I listen to her opinion more than anyone else and my whole world is built more on her than anything other than my computer, and in the ways that are meaningful, more than that. If she leaves, I lose the one aspect of life I'm able to appreciate and one of four people in my lifetime who will be more than a best friend forever to me.

I feel like, despite the way she says I make her feel uncomfortable, that she understands me better than any other person I know and cares about me in a way that can't be explained in words. Maybe it's just my perception, and she's just being friendly and polite, but to me it's everything. For all I know, she wants to see if I really matter to her and whether or not it will bother her to not talk with me... I don't know... she seems strong enough to go on forever justifying things the way they are.

I just... lose something completely irreplaceable, if she truly does not care for me. I lose my faith in being able to believe in what I can't see, I lose my heart to never want to love again, I lose my best friend, I lose my way on the road of life and the meaning of what should be important to me... the only thing I actually have left is hope. I don't even know hope for what, just hope.

I want to write to express what I feel. But who cares? I mean, that's what I feel depressed about. If my best friend doesn't want anything to do with me, why would anyone go out of their way to read something they don't need to or place it on their priorities above anything else? What's the purpose of writing something meant to teach and inspire and give when there's no one who wants to recieve it?

Of course I'm going to mope through some depressive emo talk. I want to stay happy, but I want to grieve. I don't feel happy. I did- as of even yesterday I did. I know I -will-, too. I want to be depressed and I don't want to be depressed. I want... to feel loved. More than anything.

I want to struggle against what I feel like it will hold me back; that my life needs to be -lived- to the fullest and that there is beauty and awesomeness in spades ready to pour out from me to deserving and undeserving alike.

And I want to feel this pain; know that it reminds me of just how important a person is when they're close to you. To give up totally and completely on anything and everything that matters and let everything become colorless so that if anything breaks through the shell, I'll feel alive again. To think that maybe I can rediscover life in a new way.

Nothing is more important to me than Lee. Is taking myself away from her proving that at all? In some fucked up way I can't see, am I the one in the position I think Lee's in, indicating that I want/need space and time? Is my attempt to explain that I feel like I deserve to be treated better some form of admitting I need something more or different, and does Lee feel she's doing me a kindness? Is she wanting to do this for me, or for herself?

*breath* Most of you can't answer most of these.

Did I fail? Do I still have a chance? Is pure unconditional love meaningful if rejected?

Will I hate the world feeling that everyone has forsaken me? Will I just be damn lonely trying to love without caring... ]]> ~Shawn-Reed http://Shawn-Reed.deviantart.com/journal/20611208/ http://Shawn-Reed.deviantart.com/journal/20611208/ Sun, 21 Sep 2008 23:25:07 PDT
And yet the more who fade away, the more I realize are gone, the more afraid I am to take more in. My weakness forges a strength not fit to show; in one piece my discarded life. I want to be precious. I do not know my value.

I want... to be called- to force a conversation from the haze of my dull edge. To dream my way from a patch of carpet to a nest of tangled limbs. To give the eternal hug in my mind and feel some arm around me. To drink myself into never-asking and be pulled away with a 'That's enough.' To hold my hand on a shoulder and see the angel behind it. To be pounced on in my apathy until convinced I have something to care about. To give to something more than my own cause. To live for someone other than myself. ...for my try is given all of my energy, I will break myself.

Come, put me together. Make me function for you. I'm in one frame but the picture is blank. There is this life of mine, with what potential? Encourage me to show it.

I am not in pain, I am just alone. I try to open my heart, show the world how I've grown. How can it matter to the people who have not seen me before? And will I shine for those who look long enough in my direction? Give me strength of soul, give me peace of mind, give me a loving heart, and stay true and kind- I wish these things and I know I must work hard for them. Is there a purpose in life, does there need to be? Who really cares the most, will I ever see? I don't know what I'm going to find but I cherish the moments. There is a peace in you, I can feel it there. Almost solidly, I feel the people who care. There is a vibrancy that rings from some people in life like notes from a tuning fork. A richness in life, an overabundance to live. A harmony singing so true it must give. Not from peace, this tapestry, not from love or a will to be free- simply somehow a feeling like they simply need to be.

Even if I am alone, this I want to be. I want to shed light for those who care to see. Or will I simply fade away? The way it's been, I grow weaker each day. I look to life for a helpful reminder. I keep waiting so long, I hardly move in life, I'm stuck in neutral between peace and strife. What happened to the fuel that I once felt racing inside me? Where did the colors go, did they all fade to grey? Or were things just brighter what seems like yesterday? Times when love and heartbreak made me dance in my kitchen. I didn't have an excuse, I just live my life, I barrel headlong through the sorrow and strife, I found belonging so many times and I've lost them... But there is life in these lungs, I exhale words for you. I close my eyes so I can see anew, dream every day and not merely float through. I swim in you and you and you and you and you in my ocean. This is my life I should remember what that means while I'm living. As an artist, poet, writer and muse, as a painting complete and a brush to be used, as a single brightly shining word of description!

The more shattered I am, the more air comes in. Like ancient walls with stories of how time had been. The wind is love for my heart of fire. What I say, what I do, and what I mean to you, pass away with each day into something new. My heart is true, if you knew, what would you say? Stay a while, make me smile, or I'm glad that I knew ya? I'll be alone, I'll carry home, I'll adjust my tone until I ring a note in your symphony.

]]> ~Shawn-Reed http://Shawn-Reed.deviantart.com/journal/20465146/ http://Shawn-Reed.deviantart.com/journal/20465146/ Sat, 13 Sep 2008 02:36:10 PDT
There is a constant dampening drizzle outside, and I twirled my umbrella around in the rain, wishing things- wishing mostly that I could join you. It's... like sipping at an ocean through a straw. Brushing words to words, so close in memories, right there, -right there- on the edge to the other side.

You know... maybe better than I do... that I'm a coward. I've lost count of the times I've failed you, and the times I'm going to fail you while giving you my all are uncountable... but as lost as I am, as crazy as the world gets on your side of our wall, I will be destroying the things we've built together. I don't want to finish it- see a complete story standing for only the two of us to behold... it must go on, for me. The people who give a damn, who I meet on my journey, I want to hug so close they can feel the soul under my skin.

My wind, I can feel the change in its direction... a calm you wouldn't notice without listening. Calm now, only a hint of a whisper about up-road days. Towards the setting sun it informs me, away from you, to join you one way or another. No matter how much it looks like an act of strength... I am still a coward... I am afraid. I must take strength from you always and always because I am afraid of my own. I am too paralyzed to give my strength to you... whatever strength I have, is not there.

But... I love you... all the same. That is why I am ever trying to destroy our wall, our masterpiece. I fail because I won't let you finish... you can't see what we've been creating in finished glory. I lose respect for why it is built... polished stones of strong memories set into it seem small when I try so often to tear each out and set something else down. I will walk away from our wall, in the future. Only then will you stop to wonder where I have gone... and it will be too late. I will have joined you- and I must set down hope for you. Leave it for you, right here, that it will be your choice... if you wish; join me.

These days I shall not push through for that time, though, dear. Hastening for tomorrow is speeding yourself towards a day that never comes. I cannot touch you... it is hard to reach for you... I can only believe in you with such passion I will forgive you everything. I look for the face of your soul in the other people in my life -have I begun building my own walls? Never could they be as complete or beautiful as yours. The love of my heart, my life dances on the palm of your hand like a part of it, unnoticed. This sweet breath of words for you has gone stale by your sense of time...

Chasing the sun as it falls, I will find you, away from you. Be strong, be weak, be oblivious in your time. If I cannot join you, I am not fit but to wander. Love, I took this love and kept it... Trying to posess it, trying to learn it. You are an amber tree in my soul captured in this seed that will not grow. I cannot trample you into the earth. When you find me, I will give you the love I took from you in whatever form you ask. While I ask... what do I do with this seed you gave me? Perhaps yet untold days will answer in these matters. You are never without me, though you may not want me. I am ...not sorry. Our wall will be a thing of beauty for others, meant only for us... I am too selfish; they must topple as sheaves of wheat. You don't need to forgive me. I don't need anything from you, but I would take anything from you. Teach me ...the spin of success and failure; that I can see a leaf of your tree float on the same wind that calls me. I want to hear a common voice, you and I.

I learn my love from you. Teach me.

]]> ~Shawn-Reed http://Shawn-Reed.deviantart.com/journal/20301935/ http://Shawn-Reed.deviantart.com/journal/20301935/ Wed, 03 Sep 2008 04:18:54 PDT
♥To every guy that said, "You're beautiful"

♥To every guy that was never too busy to drive across town to see her

♥To every guy that gives her flowers and a card when she is sick or down.

♥To every guy who has given her flowers just because thats how he rolls

♥To every guy that said he would die for her.

♥To every guy that really would.

♥To every guy that did what she wanted to die for

♥To every guy that cried in front of her...

♥To every guy that she cried in front of...

♥To every guy that holds hands with her.

♥To every guy that kisses her with meaning..

♥To every guy that hugs her when she's sad.

♥To every guy that hugs her for no reason at all.

♥To every guy who would give their jacket up for her.

♥To every guy that calls to make sure she got home safe.

♥To every guy that would sit and wait for her for hours just to
see her for ten minutes

♥To every guy that would give his seat up...

♥To every guy that just wants to cuddle.

♥To every guy that reassured her that she was beautiful no matter what.

♥To every guy who told his secrets to her.

♥To every guy that showed how much he cared through every word and every breath.

♥To every guy that thought maybe this could be the one.

♥To every guy that believed in her dreams.

♥To every guy that would have done anything so she could achieve them

♥To every guy that never laughed at her when she told him her dreams.

♥To every guy that walked her to her car and opened the door

♥To every guy that gave his heart.

♥To every guy who prays that she is happy even if you are not with her.





Not many girls appreciate nice guys anymore...
And because of this, there are not many left out there...

If you are a nice guy repost this with: "Nice guys STILL finish last "

If you are a girl that thinks every guy should treat a girl this way
repost this with: "To Every Guy"



Well, I happened to come across this from the journal of someone who commented while I was posting my convention photos. I like it; I think when a guy loves a gal he ought to treat her this way... I'm old fashioned like that.

]]> ~Shawn-Reed http://Shawn-Reed.deviantart.com/journal/20245636/ http://Shawn-Reed.deviantart.com/journal/20245636/ Sun, 31 Aug 2008 01:44:46 PDT
If there is nothing after death, things you do in life only matter while you're alive.

-If- there is nothing after death, morality is only for survival/self-preservation/happiness.

Morality would find itself less important; what does anything matter after you're dead? ...-If- there is nothing after death.

If there -is-... then basic theology/religion is, in some form, correct. Whether fully accurate or not probably doesn't matter- I'm not sure if it's the intent or the consequence that really matters for things after death...

The idea that there is nothing at all after death is less scary, to me... you wouldn't know that you're dead or have thought continuing on if there's nothing after... An -eternity- of piling up memory is actually really frightening to me; so the hope is that there can be either enlightenment or forgetfulness, if something does exist. The idea of reward vs. punishment making the present frightening to a person, and thus good moments wasted, seems very WRONG to me. I don't think life should be dragged along with an aim towards escaping hell... and seeking heaven is actually selfish, if hell does exist. I heard a line from a song today that probably began this train of thought: 'How can the devil take my brother if he's close to me?' -Wow. Scary frickin' thought. Piercing, heartwrenching question.

-If- there's reward/punishment after death... is it based on a blanketing, overall code of right/wrong? Or is it tailored in a grey area of both specifically for each person?

Either way... what's deciding our worth in life? Whether there -is- a blanket code of right vs. wrong or individual weight in a person's actions... how much affect does it have? Is a friendless person in this life deserving and/or unlucky? Will it carry over somehow? Are other people in life a factor in an afterlife if an afterlife exists?
If so, since we don't know, are unlucky loners and people who can't find a feeling of belonging somewhat doomed?

If a Creator exists, everything within creation has a purpose, supposing true omnipotence. The supposition of a devil creates the situation of either accepted evil or an inability to do away with such evil. On one hand, the Almighty loves the one who fell from grace but is not loved in return, on the other the Almighty is not able to erase the influence of the one who fell from grace. Theoretically, to a human, all of these might be alarming.

If there is no greater power watching over us or trying to drag us down or drag us around anywhere, and we are in true command of our own lives... who decides right and wrong? That would be a communal effort. If there is no greater power, that does not automatically rule out no afterlife. This existance is what it is... there may be more to it than we have the capacity to sense or reach, without it having been specifically made for us.

If there is no guiding influence... if humanity were to perish, no one would care. Well; hypothetically. If whatever might survive humanity could not care, that is.

The idea of a soul does not hinge on the existance of a divine or infernal power. However, the existance of a soul may or may not be true and we don't have proof one way or another. We have all that we can sense and all that we can imagine and all that can affect us... HOW what is inside of us works to shape who we are in our capacity for thought is a deep, disturbing question.

There is, frankly, more in existance than we understand. The black hole, as an example, or even the atom, personality, life... so on and so on. A Creator/Destroyer concept cannot be -disproven-... but, can't effectively -be- proven, either. Whether we gain some insight into this in any manner before or after death is an unknown factor.

Would it change your life if there -definately- were an afterlife, or -definately- were not? Something that a person could not argue with as being so? (like a person can't argue the need to eat and breathe to live) I'm just asking for consideration in both possibilities... and asking what it would mean in your realm of thought.

It seems to me... personally... that whether there is an afterlife or is not, whether there is a Creator or not... that what we should strive for in life would be the same either way. A large part of happiness comes from within... but an equal part of happiness comes from others. We have the ability to make the lives of other people better. It may or may not make our own lives better- that's up to us to an extent. But... a happier life is better while still alive if there is nothing after death... and a happier life is better if there is something after death in which it actually matters how we lived our lives. It is possible that there is something after death which treats each person equally in some manner. B... ]]> ~Shawn-Reed http://Shawn-Reed.deviantart.com/journal/20240265/ http://Shawn-Reed.deviantart.com/journal/20240265/ Sat, 30 Aug 2008 17:40:17 PDT
It's been a couple few weeks since I went to Anime Iowa, which was an amazingly fun event- I should be getting photographs back from development sometime this upcoming week, so when I do there'll probably be a slew of updates.

Man... things... things... Well, 'best of times, worst of times' as seems ever-consistant the pattern with me. A whole bunch of my friends are moving... Chris & Cora went to Illinois right before Anime Iowa, Vince & Amber went up to UNI (a two hour drive), and Dustin is going to be moving to Des Moines ~two months. Dustin & Sammi broke up out of the blue... so things are kindof weird. It's almost like nothing's wrong on the surface... Man. And honestly, I'm already feeling lonely. I've been typing my ass off to people online recently and everyone can't seem to spare the time or whatever... Oh; and there's -that- drama... One of my friends is mad at me for doing them a favor, even though that favor was cold hearted towards someone else. I'm stuck, because I can't -stay- mad... so I always try making things right when nothing is wrong and -the friend is stressed... but should still treat me more like a friend in return sometimes, I think. Though really my problems don't actually really compare to theirs.

On the -upside-. As of yesterday, my room is ~half clean. XD It's actually funny to look at- around the outside on three sides it's uber clean and then in the middle and on the last wall it's a rat'snest. XD Also, I've been working on some AMVs! (That's Anime Music Videos for those who don't know) -I got my first one done and up on youtube. [link] Please check it out and comment if you have some time? ^_^
I'm now currently working on my second. -And trying to improve some things, too. Hmm- I've also been practicing my disc golfing. I'm getting much better at heiser approaches... I still need to work on my driving and putting more... eh. I've been watching a lot of anime recently... Of late I've been making my way through Bleach. I -was- planning to go watch my friend Dustin play with his new band in Des Moines yesterday... but I overslept. ^_^''' So instead, I went and watched Babylon AD. Gritty movie; I like the setting & tone... but the ending wasn't my cup of tea. Hm. I have a month on WoW... but I haven't done much with it. Too much anime, AMVs, and I've also been working on another cardgame. In some ways... I want to seperate from the world while the world readjusts itself... and in other ways, I want to immerse myself in the world headfirst... It seems I'm going to need to adjust to being something of a loner again... for a while, however long... unless I can find my way out of it somehow. Wish me luck, I guess. I've got hero-work to do.

]]> ~Shawn-Reed http://Shawn-Reed.deviantart.com/journal/19617563/ http://Shawn-Reed.deviantart.com/journal/19617563/ Sun, 27 Jul 2008 04:00:18 PDT
A bit about my night- the ending first. XP The expression on Sammi's face right before parting ways from Richard & Megan's.... PRICELESS. (To fill people in- Sammi is Dustin's girlfriend, and we were all over at Richard & Megan's apartment tonight as well as Megan's cousin Tyler). Well, early in the night, Megan had said how when Richard pretended to be a zombie in the dark hallway to her apartment, she would get scared. Ok, so Sammi was talking about planning on doing that to Megan to scare her.... Well, at like four thirty in the morning when Dustin & Sammi and me all vacate the place, the hallway is very dark except for one dim flourescent light... Sam & Dustin are ahead and Sammi is -out of it- from tiredness (that point where you laugh at ANYTHING). I stick out my arms and moan a little... and from the stairs in front of me I hear 'Oh god!' (apology) and see her silhouette run down the stairs... so I run up and down them and she's staring at the entrance like all 'Oh noes!'... That expression: PRICELESS! I'm all 'What?' And she's 'You had your arms out like this and you were going uuuuuh' and I say with a grin and point 'Well now I'm sure you know how Megan feels, talking about doing it to her!' And she's all 'I hate you!' while laughing and grinning. Talk about the best compliment I could possibly recieve. That just made my night. XD

Before that, we had some good laughs because Sammi had gone off the deep end of tired and laughter, and Megan was starting to get there. I laughed tonight like I usually don't get to. Anyway... before THAT we had a LONG conversation about life, the divine, religion, and existance. To summarize: we all came to agreement that life is circumstantial. Possibilities are endless, truths are few. And the whole multi-hour conversation came about from watching a documentary called 'Jesus Camp'. I abstain from expressing opinions on this unless asked- I'll say we had lots of really good discussion.

Anyway- before -that- we watched random funny things on the internet. o.O For the life of me, if I could remember any URLs, I'd pass them along to you. I'm too lazy right now to go hunt for any for you. ^_^' Sorry.

And before -that-, I got to go disc golfing!!! I discovered I have a decent sidearm! And a run-up approach. And that, much like Happy Gilmore... I need to work on my putting. XD OH SO AWESOME! I loved it! It helped me work up a sweat and I haven't done that in a long darn time! We didn't really count score, just had fun. Maybe next time. ^_^

Before that, I was at Smokey Row for a little while for an iced mocha. They were shooting a movie there for the 48 hour film festival. If you'd like to see it, I asked and got refferred to the 48hourfilmfestival.com -and told to check out Des Moines for the entry. It's doubtless quite independant and I don't really know what it's about, but just if you're interested...

And before that... I worked. XD Still love my job... glad that I can half zone-out and time seems to speed up, though.

I kept this short, for me... I'd go into more detail but I hope to catch a nap before needing to work again. Cheers to y'all! OH! And it seems Dustin's band has a bit of music up on myspace. Look for Savera in bands... Dustin plays the guitar & is back up singer (not primary singer) and plays a very awesome solo in The Kraken. ...A'ight... I'm out for now!

]]> ~Shawn-Reed http://Shawn-Reed.deviantart.com/journal/19586482/ http://Shawn-Reed.deviantart.com/journal/19586482/ Fri, 25 Jul 2008 08:11:45 PDT Of my own volition. This was really fun for me. Enjoy!

1. Choose five of your own characters.
2. Make them answer the following questions.
3. Feel free to go ahead and add some questions yourself!!
4. Then tag a few people.

Okay then I choose:

1.June
2.Ash
3.Jujin
4.Dantelus
5.Sonya

Who/What are you?
1.June: I do not know.
2.Ash: version 1: I am a elven outcast who has pledged to serve Sir Cross II to further the destruction of the humans.
version 2: I am an assassin of mixed heritage intent upon making myself understood to one individual.
3.Jujin: The protector of the earth! Yessss... no walking on the grass! Hmm? Ahh. I am a druid. High druid. The tree of life. Master of blood! o.O People call me insane. *leans over and whispers* Boo.
4.Dantelus: *folds arms* Rot in the nine hells. ...Oh! Hmmph. Zhentarim, that's right. Possibly with a price on my head, buggered if I know. Not that anyone -can- collect. Yes, I'm human, you halfblind hag.
5.Sonya: I'm any kind of woman I want to be, when I can escape myself. And -him-. Not that I'll ever truly be free. I'm Sam's sister, but I can never let her know. I don't want her to think of who I was having become who I am.

Do you have any brothers or sisters?
1.June: I do not know. The greatest mystery to me is myself, and anything from the times before.
2.Ash: version 1: My people are dead to me as I am dead to them.
version 2: No.
3.Jujin: Not that I know of. And I would know. Family is the only thing more important than the earth.
4.Dantelus: My sister ... SHUT YOUR TRAP BEFORE I BREAK YOUR JAW! She's ...lost. Until I can find her... and kill the bastard who did what he did to her. No. Merciful death is too good for him. I'll drag him through each layer of the nine by myself to make sure nothing gets missed.
5.Sonya: My little sister Sam. It's funny, you know? We both hate our name. She doesn't like being called Samantha. She shortens hers... I change mine like clothing. And there was CJ... I miss him, sometimes. Even if he did get me into a lot of the shit I'm in. He got shot when we were younger, in a K-mart parking lot. I hope Sam never finds out just how much there was to our lives we kept from her.

What's your height?
1.June: Approximately 5'6" to 5'8".
2.Ash: version 1: 5'6".
version 2: 5'9"
3.Jujin: With hair or without? o.O I come to 6'3"... six of that being hair.
4.Dantelus: 6'2" And unlike that freak before me, I'm stylishly bald.
5.Sonya: 5'9"

How old are you?
1.June: As old as I am. I am not able to say for a certainty. I can say that I appear to be what age is most comfortable for Shawn to think of me as.
2.Ash: version 1: A little over 400 years. This would be something akin to the early twenties for a human, I believe.
version 2: 27.
3.Jujin: Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm..... I forget!
4.Dantelus: 25. And in my prime.
5.Sonya: I ...do tend to lie about my age a lot. I'm actually 23, but I make sure I match my age to within a few years of his, usually on the young side.

What's your favorite food?
1.June: Food? ... I like fresh fruit quite a lot.
2.Ash: version 1: I find a liking in more exotic delicasies.
version 2: The taste of victory; sweeter by far. Innocence corrupted, sweeter and sweeter still.
3.Jujin: The blood is the LiIIIFE! *gnaws on your head a while*
4.Dantelus: Beduskan Dark with a fine roasted boar shank, medium pepper.
5.Sonya: I have to change what food I consider my favorite when I need to assume a new identity, so it tends to be what comes to mind at the time. In sincerest, sincerest truth I -adore- chocolate covered cherries. So if anyone bought them for me I'd love them forever and they probably would never know. Maybe. Or maybe I would have a way or two of showing them.

Have you ever killed anyone?
1.June: No! I would never!
2.Ash: version 1: The humans are like chattel- kill one and the herd is still destroying the field. I, on the other hand, have been responsible for the death of a kingdom.
version 2: It is, in fact, my job to do so.
3.Jujin: Person? Person? Ohyes, people. You kept off the grass, did you not? o.O
4.Dantelus: Hmmph. It is always their own fault. For crossing ME. Pitiful fools...
5.Sonya: I... mostly would not like to answer that question. There are times in my life where not everything is exactly... clear. And I suffe... ]]> ~Shawn-Reed http://Shawn-Reed.deviantart.com/journal/19401470/ http://Shawn-Reed.deviantart.com/journal/19401470/ Tue, 15 Jul 2008 00:41:01 PDT

I'm coming to realize I only want to spend time with people on my own time, as my own choice. Way too often, I don't talk with the people who deserve it, over my own tenacious whims. But... this is ok. To some small degree, I'm slowly even more coming to accept the way I am. Including recognizing there are times when certain people aren't worth my time, and times when they are. Overall, people are cool. And frankly, I need people... or I'd not survive. But sometimes, all people do is drag me down. Probably fair, too. Yes, yes, other people are a direct influence on how you feel. Sure, happiness comes from within, and strength... but people develop these traits because people teach them what it is to be happy, and hug them or show them kindness in some form when they truly need it (or think they do). But a person won't always get what is right... because people are different. *shrugs* One person's right is another person's wrong. It's individuality, and it can be a beautiful thing, sometimes in much the way a Shakespearian tragedy. We're all capable of changing our minds, given the right circumstances in the right order, it's likely we would. But it's a crapshoot, ultimately. Being who we are- how it affects people. I think the proper thing is in the striving, the trying. Teaching people things that have been said before but might mean something -at that moment-, or that they might not have heard before... doing things that -seem- right, for what seem like good reasons. You won't please everyone. Hug the ones you do, for they appreciate you. Or maybe just acknowledging someone sometimes creates a bond... and a bond is worth fighting for. People drift away sometimes. Other times, they could but someone fights to make sure they don't. I don't know- it turns out. One way or another, there are results. If you aren't satisfied, find change. Either in yourself or in your environment. If you are satisfied, don't ignore that. Appreciate the fluff out of it.

My life is acceptable to me. I have the element of stability I desire. I have friends to spend time with when I want to. I do have an outlet for my own inner love, even if it teaches me humility. I have a future I don't know- which is better than one I definately don't like. I accept myself, wondering if other people do also or do not? It's important to me... but I still go on with myself. I have an extremely variable self-esteem, genuinely changeable very quickly- which is hard to accept in it's totality, both for myself and the people I care about- but should be. As something worthwhile about me. Someone could find in me both a strong comforter and be a strong comforter, it's a setup for a symbiotic relationship I haven't quite found yet. I may not... I guess that's results and it doesn't take away from me. I might sometime... that would be uber. Whether found or grown into, people who make a difference will come and go. And some I'll resist in one or the other or both- well hey, I'll make mistakes with everyone. But mistakes aren't the only thing I'm capable of. The blessings I give forth might not always get back to me as something I can recognize myself capable of, but I know they're there and that does give me strength.

There are people who get less than they deserve from me. Some might even guess who they are. I hope they still accept me for me, but if not, I have to let that be the case or change it. Both can say 'I care', so sometimes that's not what it's about. Sometimes it's about simply having certain thoughts at all, no matter what you do. No matter what other people think. I mean, the world must pass through you on your journey; make of it what you think it deserves. Heck, maybe you're right, maybe you're terribly wrong. Lots of maybes when it comes to life and the truth of things. Just... -be-. You'll be beautiful from some perspective, I guarontee.

Alright. That's my pep talk. Now get out there and live the life you want to live! Make it happen! You can!

]]> ~Shawn-Reed http://Shawn-Reed.deviantart.com/journal/19207167/ http://Shawn-Reed.deviantart.com/journal/19207167/ Fri, 04 Jul 2008 18:04:35 PDT
Respect: -is hard to know except through intuition. When trying to be respectful, it is fully possible to end up not doing so because other people think differently. So to be respectful, to 'succeed' at respect, what is the right thing to do?

You answer that for yourself. Each person decides how much to bend their views and how much to stand up for their own; and some people will react favorably and some negatively. You can't blame anyone for the way they react- they think they're doing the appropriate thing. At least in my experience, people don't intentionally do things they know are wrong unless they are unable to help themselves, like with addictions. Yet some things are necessity, on the other hand- eating food is not an addiction. It can be an excess, however. So too, many actions and ways of being; in excess, they become something other than what they normally would be.

When you try to care about others, that's the best you can do. Try. In being the person you want to be... in anything. Trying is personal victory, because whether or not you succeed or fail, you've still given the effort to -know-... where otherwise you would be left wondering. And you don't need to give up on something just because you fail. We walk because we get back up when we fall down after being used to crawling. We learn what not to do when we fail. Or we learn to keep failing with more strength, because we believe in it in a way that other people have been unable to change. We interact and become heroes and villains in our ignorance, whenever we say no. Whenever we don't change our minds because we are told we should, we will be judged, we will be reacted to, we will become individuals that are hard to understand. But it can be done... friendships happen despite differences, and love causes great things despite moments of pain. Great things happen in spite of human failings.

I want to do good both in my own strong way, and in the eyes of others. And it may be hard... but I feel that if I can respect myself, I can enjoy the respect given by others. And if I lack respect from others, I must try more, and be stronger than yesterday. You can do this to, if it is your choice.

]]> ~Shawn-Reed http://Shawn-Reed.deviantart.com/journal/18554205/ http://Shawn-Reed.deviantart.com/journal/18554205/ Thu, 29 May 2008 03:26:16 PDT
"The end. The end of life as we know it. We didn't see it coming that's for sure. I mean, who plans for an apocalypse? But you know the really funny thing? It wasn't something big and horrible that did us in. It wasn't nuklear war, or a deadly virus or a comet crashing into the planet. It wasn't overpopulation or global warming. I wish it was. You know... something lofty and magnificent. Something worthy of exterminating most of the human race. ...No. In the end it was none of those things. We simply ran out of gas... ...In the year 2012 the gasoline ran out. You could almost hear the giant sucking sound as the last drop of crude was pumped from the earth. Within a year the reserves were gone too. We were supposed to have twenty years of gas left. That's what the experts said and ...they were wrong. Detroit was still churning out gas-guzzlers even as the wells went dry. You'd have thought we could survive without gas. But, the end of gasoline meant the end of electricity. Nuklear power... there's coal, ...but you still need trucks to deliver the fuel. No electricity means no refrigerators, and that means spoiled food. Within days, grocery stores were picked clean- within weeks there was looting... rioting, and chaos. The government had a plan... but it was too busy trying to stop the violence. When they finally declared martial law it was already too late. Civilization collapsed into anarchy. The smart ones moved south. Until they realized millions of other smart people had the same smart idea. All those people in one place fighting for the same shelter and food it was a bloodbath. Within three years, more than two-thirds of the world's population had either starved to death, frozen to death, or slaughtered each other. The American dream became the American nightmare."



Doesn't that pose an interesting picture for you? *folds his hands over his chest* What happens to those things that you don't want to think about? Out of sight, out of mind- people have a tendency to ignore a lot of things; is it some primitive survival mechanism of ours? Beats me. But you know- at least, at the very least, I've got the ability to share my thoughts, and voice my opinion. I'm pissed about the president's use of the military, and I do not support the idea that American soldiers should presently be overseas in Iraq. I can't deny my sneaking suspicion of the actual gasoline crisis taking place and the American presence in what is supposedly an oil-rich country as being... off, somehow. I can't say why, but I hold there being high odds that come October of this year, something -major- will happen concerning the president. *sighs* A soldier, who is dear to someone dear to me, shipped overseas yesterday. What's it on them? More soldiers than you might think are -grasping- for the concept of being useful, of doing something to make their life meaningful. Now, again, whatever good they are supposedly causing, loved ones left at home are forced to bear the idea of someone they care about being placed in danger with no loyalty to the reason why it should be so. With some wars, at least people can believe the soldier is trying to protect them.

Now, the concept of war on terrorism- is it any different from the police's campaign against murder? A terrorist is not much different from a cereal killer. Frankly, NO, I do not support the way our troops are being used. I have no desire to show one of the ribbons people place on their cars to show support for the troops- if I give support, I think it should be morale support and personal support- not some inflated statement of self-importance that does nothing, from my view, but act like a headstone for a grave. You want them to come back? Stop advertising that they're gone. Stop acting proud of thier willingness to murder in 'self-defense' for you.

Now, I believe, yes indeed I do, in protecting people we care about. But I say this way of doing so is wrong. Police officers, fire-fighters, these individuals currently have what I consider a more morally rewarding job than that of a soldier. Worse, a soldier isn't meant to think they have a choice to go against what is expected of them. It can be downright miserable to be a soldier, yes, I know this from personal experience, and from people I know who are or have been a soldier. The reward is from the thing known as 'home'. The idea that -maybe-, 'home' still loves them and is proud of them. With this, many people are not proud with the American presence in Iraq. Like it's been said- if someone invaded -American- soil, we'd be pissed. How is what we're doing different from that from their point of view? How many of our soldiers, I wonder, are thinking 'this isn't what I signed up for'?

Well hey- there's one soldier over there who just arrived I can support. Not as a soldier, actually I hate him for leaving someone even if it seemed to be... ]]> ~Shawn-Reed http://Shawn-Reed.deviantart.com/journal/18242643/ http://Shawn-Reed.deviantart.com/journal/18242643/ Fri, 09 May 2008 13:45:17 PDT
Musical arrangements (there may never be enough.)

Writing (I want to get heavily into two projects- continuing 'Her Falling Petals', and beginning a new story.)

Finishing my new card game (and then testing it!)

Continuing my 'Friends' comics


I desire to inspire, I desire to have something worth giving, I desire to embetter myself with a richer expanse of visible personality. These projects are self-motivated and come from within even if they do use external media. And in the pursuit of inspiring others, I may too find inspiration within me and walk upon my Path, straight and true.

]]> ~Shawn-Reed