http://search.deviantart.com/?q=by:StyxM&section=today deviantART RSS for by:StyxM en-us Copyright 2009, deviantART.com Thu, 10 Dec 2009 13:44:06 PST deviantART.com http://blogs.law.harvard.edu/tech/rss http://s.deviantart.com/minish/widgets/apple-touch-icon-precomposed.png http://StyxM.deviantart.com/journal/28717139/ http://StyxM.deviantart.com/journal/28717139/ Wed, 02 Dec 2009 19:09:32 PST

See you in 2010!



P.S. My birthday is next week, on the 9th.

]]> ~StyxM http://StyxM.deviantart.com/journal/28498127/ http://StyxM.deviantart.com/journal/28498127/ Sat, 21 Nov 2009 22:03:03 PST and
Note: All the OC's I'm using are the main characters of the various stories I'm working on.

------------------------

1. Pick any number of your own characters.
2. Fill out the questions as your character would answer them. You as the creator may interject with little notes on your characters' answers, if you'd like.
3. Do not change any of the questions.
4. Tag some peoples!


1. You're out at someplace to eat on a date you've been looking forward to for a while. Several tables over, someone starts bad-mouthing you, thinking that you can't hear. What do you do?

Lacey: Nothing at the moment, but when they're about to leave I'll excuse myself and pass them by, just to give them a dirty look. All I want them to know is that I could hear them.

Autumn: I'd start thinking up several revenge plans, but I don't know if I'd really carry them out, eventually.

Ali: Anything can happen with a flick of my wand. *wink*

Summer: Give the waiter a big tip to drop glasses of lemonade on top of their heads.

Casey: I'd probably just write about them in my journal and cry about it before I go to sleep.

Lilith: Easy. I'd just meddle with their thoughts, and make them suffer mentally.



2. One morning, an eccentric traveling salesman shows up at your door. He claims to be selling something that will solve all of your problems or your greatest problems. What is he selling?

Lacey: A door that leads to another dimension? Or a genie who can grant my wish to never have existed? *sigh*

Autumn: A Time-Turner? You know, that magic hourglass thing from Harry Potter that can turn back time?

Ali: New spellbooks, maybe?

Summer: Oh, please. Nothing can't be solved with the right amount of money...

Casey: *gazes and starts daydreaming*

Lilith: Even if it's true, I wouldn't want it. People should really solve their own problems.



3. A world-renowned fortune teller has predicted your untimely demise. She is rarely known to be incorrect in her readings. She states that you will die within a month. What is your reaction?

Lacey: I think that's highly unlikely, but, whatever. If it's time, then it's time. Get what I'm saying?

Autumn: *shrugs* Just come what may...

Ali: No! No way! I'm not supposed to die yet! I haven't defeated Lilith! The prophecy said I'd live up to a thousand years!

Summer: That's bogus. Seriously, who believes in this kind of stuff?

Casey: I... don't know.

Lilith: The future is not written in the stone. I don't think I should worry.


4. You're at a bar with a group of your closest friends. You've had a bit to drink, but your pals think you are much more drunk than you actually are. - This gives you a chance to do something you would normally never do or say around them while you are "sober". What is it that you do or say?

Lacey: Tell them that I'm married to a ghost. Or kiss Dean Duane. *blush*

Autumn: Um... I dunno. Ask Malcolm to sleep with me?

Ali: I'd tell them the truth - that I'm a witch and my destiny is to compete with my own twin brother, Jeremy, to defeat the evil witch queen Lilith! It's such a burden to me, you know? And even worse because I can't share it with anyone! At least this way I could just tell everyone and they wouldn't believe me.

Summer: I never get drunk. Getting drunk is for losers.

Casey: I'm only 14 and I have no friends... I don't think this is likely to happen anytime soon...

Lilith: Cry.



5. If you could go back into your past and either undo or *do* something you regret doing or never doing, what would it be?

Lacey: Kill my 1-year-old self.

Autumn: Stop myself from posting everything to my blog...

Ali: I have no regrets.

Summer: Ditto. Regretting is for losers.

Casey: I have nothing to regret, I'm proud to say.

Lilith: I'd have stopped Joy from coming to save me... I should have been the one who's dead, not her!



6. In this question, we assume your character has access to the internet. You meet someone in a chat room who you quickly fall head over heels for. You love spending every minute with them, they share almost all of your interests, and you eas... ]]> ~StyxM http://StyxM.deviantart.com/journal/28347456/ http://StyxM.deviantart.com/journal/28347456/ Sat, 14 Nov 2009 06:54:57 PST and 's place, and I've got a new avatar, courtesy of !!!



I'll see you guys again Monday~

]]> ~StyxM http://StyxM.deviantart.com/journal/28208213/ http://StyxM.deviantart.com/journal/28208213/ Sat, 07 Nov 2009 22:44:21 PST [ ] You have your own room.
[x] You own a cell phone.
[x] You have an ipod/ mp3 player.
[ ] Your parents are still married.
[x] You have more than 2 best friends.
[ ] There is a swimming pool in your backyard
T0TAL: 3


[x] You dress how you want to.
[ ] You hang out with friends more than once a week.
[x] There is a computer/ laptop in your room.
[ ] You have never been beaten up.
[ ] You never cry more than twice a month.
[x] You are allowed to listen to the music you want to.
[ ] Your room is big enough for you.
[x] People don't use you for something you have.
[x] You have been to a concert.
T0TAL: 8


[ ] You have over 50 friends on myspace.
[x] Your parents let you have a myspace.
[ ] You get allowance.
[ ] You collect something normal.
[ ] You look forward to going to school.
[ ] You don't wish you were someone else.
[ ] You play a sport.
[x] You do something after school.
T0TAL: 10


[x] You own a car.
[ ] You usually don't fight with your parents.
[ ] You are happy with your appearance.
[ ] You aren't self-conscious at all.
[ ] You have never got a failing grade in your life.
[x] You have friends.
T0TAL: 12


[x] You know what is going on in the world.
[x] You care about so many people.
[ ] You are happy with your life.
[x] You know more than one language.
[x] You have a screen name.
[x] You own a pet.
[x] You know the words to 5 songs
[ ] You don't have any enemies
[x] You are a generally nice person.
TOTAL: 19


Now count your numbers and multiply by three.
Then title this journal "My life is __% Happy".

Nah... just because this survey says so doesn't mean it's true. I'm happy. ;D

]]> ~StyxM http://StyxM.deviantart.com/journal/28171564/ http://StyxM.deviantart.com/journal/28171564/ Fri, 06 Nov 2009 00:27:26 PST

My dad's obsessed with my weight loss diet and is driving me crazy with his "tips & tricks".

I drank a bottle of vodka cooler earlier today and it was sooo good, but I don't have enough money to buy more. It's almost that time of the month and I'm getting stressed out here - wanting to cry for no reason at all and everything - and I really need to smile. I get happy and giggly when I'm tipsy/drunk.

And... I'm having writer's block. I just can't write anything good! Every time I get inspired, I just can't put it in words.

I think I just need a vacation.

]]> ~StyxM http://StyxM.deviantart.com/journal/28079520/ http://StyxM.deviantart.com/journal/28079520/ Sun, 01 Nov 2009 05:41:29 PST But I guess I'll have faith in God... He wouldn't let me down, would he?

Okay, first of all, I just want to apologize to all of my friends, anyone who's been my best friend and/or still is my best friend, especially ~katshaaaa, ~jazzysuika, ~catrix-reload, and ~PetPanda. I realized that I've been taking you guys for granted and that I've been a total asshole for the past few months. I'm really sorry, I shouldn't have let myself gone that far. I promise it won't happen again. I want us to stay friends forever. You guys are some of the best friends I've ever had and I was stupid to treat you guys that way. I hope we're cool again...

Second, I totally need a change of scenery so I think I'm going to Bandung in a few weeks' time. Just for the weekend, I don't think I can manage to spend so much time there, but I really wanna spend time with my friends who are now attending college there. So, ~jazzysuika, ~catrix-reload, ~iyugii, and ~Telosse, when are you guys gonna be having your UTS, so I can come at the right time and not bother you guys when you should be studying?

Third... I think I have a new love interest. See, I have this online best friend since I was in 8th grade, let's just call him JM. He's a really nice guy, and I used to lie to him but he actually forgave me and after I came clean we were still friends. We haven't been talking for some time, but a few weeks ago we started talking again, and I talked to him again last night... and I realized something:
I've kinda been having a crush on him.
It's crazy, I know, since I just broke up with my ex on Friday. But... I dunno... I mean, we've been really good friends, and he hasn't been into relationships lately. He said so himself. I think it'll just ruin our friendship if I suddenly tell him that I have a crush on him. What do you guys think?

I'm so happy now. I love my life, and I love you guys.
Have a nice week, everyone!
I'm gonna go to sleep because I think I'm coming down with a cold... let's hope that it's not true.

]]> ~StyxM http://StyxM.deviantart.com/journal/28040228/ http://StyxM.deviantart.com/journal/28040228/ Fri, 30 Oct 2009 04:13:26 PDT Good News: I got like Rp600.000 from selling books, I aced my Deutsch-Start 1 test, and I'm practically best friends with this cute new guy in my class.

Bad News: I broke up with my boyfriend. Well... I didn't exactly dump him, we just decided to break up for now because apparently there's no place in his life for both his mom and me...

He promised that after he finished with school he's going to follow me to either Germany or Canada and we're gonna live happily ever after. LOL

But it's goodbye for now.

He came over today. We cried together, kissed, and hugged each other for what seemed like forever... but even forever had an end. He went home in a white taxi cab and I was left to cry all alone. My eyes are so sore from crying so much... I really need a hug right now.

Oh, another good news is, he's letting me date other guys until he can officially be mine.

He's my soul mate. I believe we're meant to be... and I believe we're gonna be together again in the end.

I'll be happy, eventually, but for now I can't stop crying and I really need a hug...

]]> ~StyxM http://StyxM.deviantart.com/journal/27861395/ http://StyxM.deviantart.com/journal/27861395/ Wed, 21 Oct 2009 06:09:26 PDT

Novels (Import - NEW)
Forest Of The Pygmies by Isabel Allende (Rp50.000 - not negotiable)

Novels (Import - USED)
The Unicorn Club Series by Francine Pascal (@Rp5.000, 5% discount if you buy the whole series)
The Best Friend Game, Maria's Movie Comeback, Angels Keep Out, Ellen's Family Secret, Too Cool For The Unicorns, Who Will Be Miss Unicorn?, Mandy In The Middle, Unicorns In Love, Save The Unicorns!, Five Girls And A Baby, Lila On The Loose
Sweet Valley Jr. High Series by Francine Pascal (@Rp10.000, 10% discount if you buy the whole series)
I'm So Outta Here, Too Many Good-Byes, Clueless, Got A Problem?, Dance Fever, Three Days,Two Nights, Third Wheel, Too Popular,
Sweet Valley High Series by Francine Pascal (@Rp10.000)
Head Over Heels, Don't Go Home With John, Left At The Altar, Fashion Victim, The Evil Twin, Cover Girls, Twin Hearts
Sweet Valley Twins Series by Francine Pascal (@Rp10.000)
The Year Without Christmas, BIG For Christmas, The Twins Take Paris
Breaking The Rules by Sandra Glover (Rp10.000)
The Nancy Drew Notebooks: The Lighthouse Mystery (Rp5.000)
The Nancy Drew Notebooks: Space Case (Rp5.000)
Lizzie McGuire Series (@Rp10.000)
Lizzie <3 Ethan, Freaked Out, Lizzie For President, Mirror,Mirror, Best Dressed, Just Like Lizzie, On The Job, Head Over Heels
Kim Possible Series (@Rp10.000)
Attack Of The Killer Bebes, Camp Wannaweep, Monkey Business, Royal Pain, Bueno Nacho, The New Ron, Downhill, Killigan's Island
Angel Series (@Rp15.000, 10% discount if you buy the whole series)
Not Forgotten, Avatar, Vengeance, Close To The Ground, Shakedown, Soul Trade
The Lost Souls Of The Twilight by Anne Spencer Parry (Rp2.500)

Novels (Translated - USED)
Mr. Fox Yang Fantastis by Roald Dahl (Rp5.000)
Matilda by Roald Dahl (Rp7.500)
Blubber: Si Gembrot by Judy Blume (Rp6.000)
Confessions Of Georgia Nicolson: Angus, Thongs And Full-Frontal Snogging by Louise Rennison (TeenLit - Rp7.500)
Mates, Dates Series by Cathy Hopkins (TeenLit - @Rp10.000)
Princess Diaries Series by Meg Cabot (@Rp10.000)
Sickened by Julie Gregory (Rp20.000)
The Voices Of Demons by Lori Schiller & Amanda Bennet (REAL LIFE - Rp15.000)
Sybil by Flora Rheta Schreiber (REAL LIFE - Rp10.000)
Almost Lost by Anonymous (REAL LIFE - Rp10.000)
Mandy: Misteri Wangi Bunga Magnolia by Kathryn Reiss (Rp7.500)
A Mother's Gift: Karunia Yang Terindah by Britney & Lynne Spears (Rp7.500)
The Lost Girl by Caroline Roberts (REAL LIFE - Rp10.000)
Lizzie McGuire Series (@Rp6.000)
Lizzie Goes Wild, When Moms Attack!, Broken Hearts

Comics (Import - USED)
Teen Titans Showcase (Rp20.000)

Comics (Import - NEW)
Marvel Adventures: Hulk #8(Rp7.500)
Wolverine #60, #61, #65 (@Rp7.500)
Wolverine Origins #16, #20, #21 (@Rp7.500)
X-Men: First Class #8 (Rp7.500)

CDs
Hannah Montana Soundtrack 1 (Rp15.000)
Alvin & The Chipmunks Soundtrack (Rp15.000)

Stamps
(Check out the pictures in my gallery - it's still incomplete though, been having problems uploading photos Dx)

Miscellaneous
A3 Sketchbook (Rp6.000)
Steel Rulers 30 cm (x2 @Rp1.500)
Manchester United Keychain/Can Opener (Rp7.500)
Maxell Empty Cassettes 60 Minutes (x2 @Rp2.500)
Black leather PDA/Extrenal Hard-Drive Case (Rp5.000)
Eagle's Brown Henna (Rp20.000) - bought from Watson's, originally Rp49.000
The Body Shop Passion Fruit Body Butter 50ml (Rp6.000)
Lock&Lock Waterproof Case (Rp6.000)
The Body Shop Sugaring Hair Removal 250ml (Rp45.000) - bought from the Body Shop, originally Rp109.000

Notes:
- Except for the new imported novels, all prices are negotiable.
- 30% of all sales will be donated to charity
- I'm looking for the books "The Kite Runner" (both English and Indonesian version), Persepolis, and The Freedom Writers Diary, if anyone's up for a trade.
- This list is incomplete and will be updated whe... ]]> ~StyxM http://StyxM.deviantart.com/journal/27756474/ http://StyxM.deviantart.com/journal/27756474/ Wed, 14 Oct 2009 03:40:45 PDT [ ] I am shorter than 5'4.
[x] I think I'm ugly sometimes.
[ ] I have many scars.
[x] I tan easily.
[x] I wish my hair was a different color.
[ ] I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color.
[ ] I have a tattoo.
[x] I am self-conscious about my appearance.
[x had]I have/I've had braces.
[x] I wear glasses.
[] I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free.
[x] I've been told I'm attractive by a complete stranger.
[] I have more than 2 piercings.
[] I have piercings in places besides my ears.
[x] I've got one scar

Family/Home Life
[x] I've sworn at my parents.
[ ] I've run away from home.
[ ] I've been kicked out of the house.
[ ] My biological parents are together.
[ ] I have a sibling less than one year old.
[x] I want to have kids someday.
[ ] I've had children.
[ ] I've lost a child.
[ ] Have a spoilt sibling

School/Work
[ ] I'm in school.
[ ] I have a job.
[ ] I've fallen asleep at work/school.
[x] I almost always do my homework.
[x] I've missed a week or more of school.
[ ] I've been on the Honor Roll within the last 2 years.
[ ] I failed more than 1 class last year.
[ ] I've stolen something from my job
[ ] I've been fired.
[ ] I'm home schooled

Embarrassment
[x] I've slipped out a "lol" in a spoken conversation.
[x] Disney movies still make me cry.
[x] I've peed from laughing.
[x] I've snorted while laughing.
[x] I've laughed so hard I've cried.
[ ] I've glued my hand to something
[ ] I've had my pants rip in public
[ ] fell down on my face

Health
[ ] I was born with a disease/impairment.
[ ]I've gotten stitches/staples.
[ ] I've broken a bone.
[ ] I've had my tonsils removed.
[ ] I've sat in a doctors office/emergency room with a friend.
[x] I've had my wisdom teeth removed.
[ ] I had a serious surgery.
[ ] I've had chicken pox.

Traveling
[ ] I've driven over 200 miles in one day.
[x] I've been on a plane.
[ ] I've been to Canada.
[ ] I've been to Mexico.
[ ] I've been to Niagara Falls.
[ ] I've been to Japan.
[ ] I've celebrated Mardi Gras in New Orleans.
[ ] I've been to Europe.
[ ] I've been to Africa.
[x] I've been out of my home country.
[ ] I've Been in Thailand
[ ] I've been in Phillipines

Experiences
[ ] I've gotten lost in my city.
[ ] I've seen a shooting star.
[ ]I've wished on a shooting star.
[ ] I've seen a meteor shower.
[x] I've gone out in public in my pajamas
[ ] I've pushed all the buttons on an elevator
[x] I've kicked a guy where it hurts.
[x] I've been to a casino.
[ ] I've been skydiving.
[ ] I've gone skinny dipping.
[ ] I've played spin the bottle.
[ ] I've drank a whole gallon of milk in one hour.
[ ] I've crashed a car.
[ ] I've been Skiing
[x] I've been in a play.
[ ] I've met someone in person from myspace.
[ ] I've caught a snowflake on my tongue.
[ ] I've seen the Northern lights.
[x] I've sat on a roof top at night.
[ ] I've played chicken.
[x] I've played a prank on someone.
[x] I've ridden in a taxi.
[ ] I've seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show.
[x] I've eaten sushi.
[ ] I've been snowboarding.

Relationships
[ ] I'm single
[x] I'm in a relationship.
[ ] I'm engaged.
[ ] I'm married
[ ] I've gone on a blind date.
[ ] I've been the dumpee more than the dumper.
[x] I miss someone right now.
[ ] I have a fear of abandonment.
[x] I've gotten divorced
[x] I've had feelings for someone who didn't have them back.
[x] I've told someone I loved them when I didn't.
[x] I've told someone I didn't love them when I did.
[x] I've kept something from a past relationship.
[x] Kissed a guy

Sexuality
[x] I've had a crush on someone of the same sex.
[x] I've had a crush on a teacher.
[x] I am a cuddler.
[x] I've been kissed in the rain.
[] I've hugged a stranger.
[] I have kissed a stranger

Honesty/Crime
[x] I've done something I promised someone else I wouldn't.
[x] I've done something I promised myself I wouldn't.
[x] I've snuck out of my house.
[x] I have lied to my parents about where I am.
[x] I am keeping a secret from the world
[x] I've cheated while playing a game.
[x] I've cheated on a test
[ ] I've run a red light.
[ ] I've been suspended from school.
[ ] I've witnessed a crime.
[x] I've been in a fist fight.
[ ] I've been arrested.

Drugs/Alcohol
[x] I've consumed alcohol.
[ ] I regularly drink.
[ ] I've passed ou... ]]> ~StyxM http://StyxM.deviantart.com/journal/27738189/ http://StyxM.deviantart.com/journal/27738189/ Tue, 13 Oct 2009 03:23:06 PDT
I'm so angry at so many things and people... I can't fucking wait until I move out of this damned country! I'm surrounded by stupid pieces of shit they call family and I just can't stop thinking about those fucking stupid people I used to call friends. Everyone's just so stupid!!! The only thing my dad's capable of doing is blame me for every single damned fucking thing in this crappy universe and my grandma can't do anything but ask stupid questions and underestimate my German skills. And where are my "friends" now, when I need them?!

I'm stressed out and angry all the time and my ulcer keeps acting out. It won't be long before they have to take me to the hospital again, I guess.

But I don't fucking care anymore!!! I don't need my dad and my grandma (except for their money) and I don't need anyone who doesn't care about me!!! I'm doing fine by myself so just fucking leave me alone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

]]> ~StyxM http://StyxM.deviantart.com/journal/27700775/ http://StyxM.deviantart.com/journal/27700775/ Sun, 11 Oct 2009 06:52:19 PDT
No, I'm not complaining. I'm just saying the truth.

No, I'm not looking for attention. I just needed to say this.



Have a nice week, everyone.

]]> ~StyxM http://StyxM.deviantart.com/journal/27644177/ http://StyxM.deviantart.com/journal/27644177/ Thu, 08 Oct 2009 02:12:34 PDT Go away. No, please stay. Go away. No, stay. Stay away. Go away. No, please stay. Go away. No, stay. Stay! - Why Can't You See

Anyone got Saosin's new album, In Search Of Solid Ground, yet? It's AWESOME! They mixed a variety of genres into the album, from alternative rock to pop punk to post hardcore, and they put a little touch of techno into the songs. Apparently playing with synthesizers is the band's new hobby. Also, I think one of the band members had just got his heart broken or something, because most of the songs, especially Why Can't You See, Say Goodbye, What We Were Made For, It's All Over Now, and Nothing Is What It Seems (Without You) have the same theme and similar choices of words. My favorite songs from the album are Changing, Deep Down, and It's All Over Now. Now, I honestly kind of miss Saosin's old style, but this album is totally awesome and it doesn't disappoint me like some new albums by some of my favorite artists (for example, Avril Lavigne's The Best Damn Thing). I wouldn't mind seeing them perform these new songs live on stage. I hope they hold a concert in Indonesia again, soon!

Speaking of concerts, anyone coming to Arch Enemy's concert on the 28th? I am... If you are, leave me a note and we'll meet there okay? LOL

God I am SO happy this week, even though I just started my period again and it's been hurting like hell. And I've got two short stories coming, I'll upload it on dA later today, hopefully, if I remember. Critique/comment on it kay??? Have a nice weekend everybodyyy~

]]> ~StyxM http://StyxM.deviantart.com/journal/27515278/ http://StyxM.deviantart.com/journal/27515278/ Thu, 01 Oct 2009 03:48:34 PDT 2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer (questions below)
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS
4. Tag at least 10 friends who might enjoy doing the game as well as the person you got the note from.

1) IF SOMEONE SAYS "FU!" YOU Say?
"Hero/Heroine" - Boys Like Girls

2) WHAT'S THE BEST THING THAT'S EVER HAPPENED TO YOU?
"What You Need" - INXS

3) WHAT'S THE WORST THING THAT'S EVER HAPPENED TO YOU?
"Sometimes" - M2M

4) WHAT WILL OPRAH'S NEXT SHOW BE CALLED?
"Vulnerable" - Secondhand Serenade

5) WHAT WILL OBAMA'S FIRST EXECUTIVE ORDER BE?
"Hit Or Miss" - New Found Glory

6) IF YOU COULD SAY ONE THING TO THE PERSON YOU LOVE, IT WOULD BE?
"One Original Thing" - Cheyenne Kimball

7) IF YOU COULD SAY ONE THING TO THE PERSON YOU HATE, IT WOULD BE?
"Mina Loy (M.O.H.)" - Billy Corgan

8) WHAT WOULD YOUR AUTOBIOGRAPHY BE CALLED?
"I Don't Have To Try" - Avril Lavigne (so wrong, I ALWAYS have to try )

9) WHAT IS LOVE?
"Shut Up" - Kelly Osbourne ()

10) WHAT IS HATE?
"What Hurts The Most" - Rascal Flatts (awwww!)

11) WHAT IS YOUR BEST TRAIT?
"Original Fire" - Audioslave

12) WHAT IS YOUR WORST TRAIT?
"Leave Me Alone" - M2M

13) WHERE WILL YOU BE IN FIVE YEARS TIME?
"Sendiri (Alone)" - The Adams ( but... but... but...)

14) HOW DO YOUR FRIENDS DESCRIBE YOU?
"Twisted" - Sita (LOL!!!)

15) WHAT DOES THE FUTURE HOLD FOR YOU?
"Paint It Black" - Vanessa Carlton

16) WHAT DOES THE FUTURE HOLD FOR YOUR BEST FRIEND?
"Those Were The Days" - Lady Sovereign

17) WHAT DO YOU WISH YOUR LOVER WOULD WHISPER IN YOUR EAR?
"I'm Just A Kid" - Simple Plan (damn that would be creepy)

18) WHAT WILL SAVE THE WORLD?
"I Decide" - Lindsay Lohan (my decision? Awesome!)

19) WHAT IS SEXY?
"Without You" - Jesse McCartney

20) WHAT IS FUNNY?
"Kiss The Girl" - Colbie Caillat (LOL that's cruel)

21) WHAT IS YOUR GREATEST STRENGTH?
"Radio/Video" - System Of A Down

22) WHAT IS YOUR GREATEST WEAKNESS?
"Ode To Anxiety (Mayday)" - Gabe Vs The Sad Kids

23) WHAT DO YOU DREAM ABOUT?
"All You Nonconformists Are Just Alike" - The Awkward Romance

24) WHAT GIVES YOU NIGHTMARES?
"Cloudy" - YUI (I'm not scared of clouds...)

25) WILL YOU EVER FIND 'THE ONE'?
"Foolish Games" - Jewel (yes, love is a very foolish game...)

26) WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY?
"Cemetery Drive" - My Chemical Romance (what am I, a zombie???)

27) WHAT MAKES YOU SAD?
"Christie Road" - Green Day (I've never even been there )

28) WHAT'S THE STUPIDEST THING IN THE WORLD?
"He Wasn't" - Avril Lavigne

29) WHAT DO PEOPLE LOVE ABOUT YOU?
"Seven Years" - Saosin

30) WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS?
"Ten Feet High" - Andrea Corr (not a chance!)



I'm tagging anyone who laughed at no. 26!!! LOL

]]> ~StyxM http://StyxM.deviantart.com/journal/27310651/ http://StyxM.deviantart.com/journal/27310651/ Sat, 19 Sep 2009 23:56:25 PDT I'm sorry if I ever made a mistake to any of you, whether it was an accident or deliberated, whether I realized it or not... I'm only human.

I just got out of a stage of depression, caused mainly by my ex-boyfriend and ex-best friend, but I've gotten over it, and I'm generally happy now. I'm finally starting to really accept myself the way I am, and I made a promise to myself that I will stop punishing myself for the simplest mistakes. I guess nobody is perfect, especially not me... and just because my parents think I'm not good enough for them, doesn't mean I'm not good enough for the world.

Right now I'm staying at my grandparents' house with my mom's family, and I'm really bored, but I will get out of here by Tuesday afternoon. For those who don't know, my parents are in the process of getting a divorce (it's almost done) and I don't really get along with my mom, nor her side of the family. I live with my dad and my grandma, but since my dad's family consists mostly of Christians and Catholics (and my dad and I are the only Muslims), I have to spend the Muslim holidays with my mom's side of the family, who consists of almost 100% Muslims.

I haven't really been productive lately, I've written several poems and lyrics but most of them just plain suck... I've been busy working on several short stories, in Indonesian, for these short story contests. Wish me luck, okay? I've also been working on my novel, Nevermore, and co-writing ~ZeanArt's novel, Triplets.

Well, I guess that is all for now... I hope you guys have a nice week ahead of you

]]> ~StyxM http://StyxM.deviantart.com/journal/27203282/ http://StyxM.deviantart.com/journal/27203282/ Mon, 14 Sep 2009 04:31:45 PDT
Anyway... I'm bored, so might as well do this little thing I stole from
HIGH CLASS:
[x] You own an iPod/mp3 player.
[] You love Starbucks to death.
[] You have been called a brat.
[] You have tons of shoes.
[] You hate buying things that are on sale.
[x] You have a laptop.
TOTAL: 2

GOTHIC:
[x] Black is one of your favorite colors.
[] You wear chains.
[x] You like heavy metal.
[] You've shopped at Hot Topic.
[] You have worn black lipstick.
[x had] You have/had/want/wanted piercings.
[] You own a pair of Tripp pants.
[] You have at least one unnaturally colored haired friend.
GOTHIC:3

PUNK:
[] You can skateboard.
[] You like plaid.
[x] You have Converse.
[x now I do] You hate MTV.
[x RED!!!] You have/had/want/wanted blue, pink, red, purple, or green hair.
[x] You love mohawks.
[x] You LOVE music.
[x] You HATE people who pretend to be something they are not.
TOTAL: 6

EMO:
[x] You are sad sometimes.
[x] You have dark colored glasses.
[x] You cry easily.
[] You like emo music.
[x still do] You've kept a journal/diary.
[x all the time] You have written a sad poem.
[x] You have dyed your hair.
[] You're sad when you're drunk.
TOTAL: 6

GHETTO:
[] You like rap.
[] You have said "Fo Sho, Fo Shizzle, Fo Sheezy, etc.
[] You have worn/wanted a grill.
[] You have had a freestyling contest.
[] You have worn your shoes with the tongue flipped out.
[] You know most of the lines from Boyz N Da Hood.
[] You own a huge gold chain with a giant gold pendant.
TOTAL: 0

HARDCORE:
[x] You like loud music.
[] You love/like the Ninja Turtles.
[x] You have slip-on shoes.
[] You like Norma Jean.
[x] People have called you a freak and meant it lovingly.
[x 'cos I dunno how to dance LOL] You love to "hardcore" dance.
[] Your hair has been dyed more than one color.
[x all the time baby] You wear jeans a lot.
TOTAL: 5

PREP:
[] You LOVE The OC.
[] You had/have/want a tiny/small sized dog.
[] Your usual outfits consist of pink.
[] You like buying shoes.
[] You have clothes from Hollister, AE, and/or Abercrombie.
[] Getting your nails done is a fun thing.
[]You have/had big sunglasses.
[x] You can't go anywhere without your hair perfect.
TOTAL: 1

ATHLETIC:
[] You watch/watched the Superbowl.
[x] You own track shoes or cleats other sports related shoes.
[] You collect jerseys.
[] You have/had a special shelf for trophies and awards.
[] Your garage/shed consists of sports equipment.
[] You belong/belonged to a team.
[] You have a specific number preferred for your jersey.
TOTAL: 1

SCENE:
[x] You have mini-skirts.
[x] You have parted your hair to the side.
[] You think polka-dots are way cute.
[x] You have done a peace sign while you pose for a picture.
[] You've been called a scene before.
[] You wear/wore long, colorful socks with your skirts.
TOTAL: 3

REDNECK:
[] Gone four wheeling.
[] Went hunting.
[] Owned a four/three-wheeler or dirt bike.
[] Like to go fishing.
[x] Eat beef jerky.
[] Ever said GIT-R-DONE.
[] Listened to the song Redneck Woman.
[] Know who Bocephus is.
TOTAL: 1

METALHEAD:
[x] You wear band shirts a lot.
[] If people down-talk metal, you down-talk their favorite music.
[x AILD] You like bands like As I Lay Dying, Lamb Of God, and All That
TOTAL: 2

Remains.
[] You HATE emos.
[] You like Black Sabbath.
[] You have gone to Ozzfest.
[x] You have a headband.
[] You don't like rap.
[x]You have a taste for classic rock, as well.
TOTAL: 2

So... I'm like a Hardcore Emo Punk? LOL

]]> ~StyxM http://StyxM.deviantart.com/journal/27147275/ http://StyxM.deviantart.com/journal/27147275/ Fri, 11 Sep 2009 09:33:32 PDT
FUCK.

I've been having psycho thoughts about my ex. I really want to strangle him, beat him up, and leave him to die in the middle of a street somewhere... but he's my current boyfriend's twin brother!

I'm supposed to be going crazy preparing for Germany... but... I dunno. I'm just sick of thinking about it. I wish I could skip all the stupid paperwork and just get there this instant. I've had it with this place and its people...

I've been trying to sell my old cassette collection, and also my stamps collection. Next week I'm gonna try selling my old clothes. I just hope it'll sell out... I've been looking for a job, but, I dunno...

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO TAKE CARE OF, FIRST!!!

And I'm angry all the time, and I'm just really sick of being lonely at home.

Somebody gimme a hug... WAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!

]]> ~StyxM http://StyxM.deviantart.com/journal/26905751/ http://StyxM.deviantart.com/journal/26905751/ Sat, 29 Aug 2009 22:59:29 PDT
Oh, good news? I got a new boyfriend, and I'm SO much happier than before. Don't think I'd be emo for a looong time.

Oh, and also, after Ramadan I'm gonna go on a carb-free diet and I'm gonna exercise every other day, at least. I'm also currently looking for a job. I think I'm gonna be an English or math tutor for junior/senior high schoolers... if you're an Indonesian, living in Jakarta (more specifically South Jakarta) and know someone who needs tutoring in English or basic math... drop me a note okay? Thank you so much~

Anyway, features~


[link] [link] [link] [link] [link]


[link] [link] [link] [link] [link]


[link] [link] [link] [link] [link]


[link] [link] [link]


[link] / [link] [link] [link] [link] [link]

]]> ~StyxM http://StyxM.deviantart.com/journal/26683706/ http://StyxM.deviantart.com/journal/26683706/ Wed, 19 Aug 2009 01:08:00 PDT

Rules
I. Post the Rules
II. Each tagged person must say 8 things about themselves.
III. At the end you must tag 8 people and post their icons in your journal
IV. Go back to their page and leave a comment saying you tagged them
V. No tag backs

1. I really hate silly cartoons like SpongeBob Squarepants, Chowder, etc.
2. I can stand spicy stuff, but I act like I can't because I don't like them.
3. I wish I was omnilinguistic.
4. I'm currently using a Sony Ericsson w960 phone.
5. I used to think the Simpsons look disgusting.
6. Until today I still can't decide whether I'm a melancholic, phlegmatic, choleric, or sanguine. My hypnotherapist says I'm a MS (melancholic/sanguine), but I also have phlegmatic and choleric characteristics.
7. I can't stand jewelry.
8. I am really, really, really, truly, honestly depressed right now. Help.

I've given up tagging people on these journals. Go ahead do it if you want to.

]]> ~StyxM http://StyxM.deviantart.com/journal/26534820/ http://StyxM.deviantart.com/journal/26534820/ Sat, 29 Aug 2009 06:41:59 PDT
1) If you are one of the first 18 people to comment on this journal entry, I will add you to the list!

2) For each of the 12 first people answering this journal I will put his/her avatar and the three deviations I like most from his/her gallery on the list~

3) If you answer, you'll have to do the same in your journal, putting the tagger on the first place, completing this way the list with 18 people. The idea of this is not to get a free feature, it is to spread art around for everyone!



===



--> [link] , [link] , & [link]
(You know what I love most about her? She writes the best poems, poems that I could totally relate to! And she's a really good friend. Be sure to check her page, guys!)

--> [link] , [link] , & [link]
(Hey, he's a nice guy. Looks like he's got many talents, too. Too bad he got rejected by the cool kids. Okay, lame joke, I know. Just go see his page...)

]]> ~StyxM http://StyxM.deviantart.com/journal/26534788/ http://StyxM.deviantart.com/journal/26534788/ Tue, 11 Aug 2009 19:27:07 PDT

I'm even more stressed out that I can't seem to find anyone else to talk to about how I feel, beside my boyfriend, and it isn't healthy. It's just, nobody else finds it as serious as my boyfriend does, and I don't like to just "move on" and "distract myself". I need to talk about my problems, go over it until I'm ready to move on. I need to talk about every single aspect and detail. Not let it become the center of my life, but I just need to go over it to understand it... there are times when I want to distract myself, but I hate it when other people do that for me. I don't know if you get what I'm saying, but I don't know how to make it clearer. Sorry...

Well, at least now I found some new things that I enjoy: my driver's ed, for example, I'm getting pretty good at it... and Runescape. It's really fun! If you're a fellow player, please add me... my username is StyxM. Hehe. Oh, and I've been organizing the stuff I wanna sell on my garage sale. I've been itching to make it happen for years, and it looks like this year it's going to succeed!

Do me a favor and comment on this journal, say anything you want, I won't mind. I badly need some attention, I just feel so left out and alone...

Have a nice week, everyone.
I love you guys~

]]> ~StyxM http://StyxM.deviantart.com/journal/26494446/ http://StyxM.deviantart.com/journal/26494446/ Sun, 09 Aug 2009 22:47:25 PDT Actually, I've been hating the world for about two weeks now. That's pretty much how long I've had my PMS, and there's still no bloody blood coming out from "down there" till this minute. It just fucking sucks. I've reached my boiling point days ago, and I'm still bubbling with anger right now. The littlest things make me burst into tears, the slightest remark, even intended as a joke, would turn me to rage. In my head, I use the word "fucking" before every fucking noun and my new diary, Cora, is already full of M-rated words.

My eyes are sore from crying so much and sleeping so little, my back and shoulders ache because I've been sleeping in fetal position every night, I've been having headaches, I've been coughing because apparently my lungs can't handle it anymore, I've been gaining weight, because I've been craving frozen treats like ice cream and frozen yogurt and ice cream cake all the time, and I'm BROKE. Like, there's currently ZERO Rupiahs in my wallet.

I canNOT take this anymore!!! Why doesn't God just let me have my period already and get everything over with?! Or let me grow a penis so I can stop being a girl and being so emotional and being so helpless?

All this, plus absence of my friends and boyfriend, plus presence of my crazy, selfish, non-understanding parents, plus daily German lessons to attend to, equals HELL.

The worst thing is, I have to admit, I really need some affection right now. Affection and attention. I am so pathetic.

I JUST WANNA GET ALL OF THIS OVER WITH!!! PLEASE, GOD, DO YOU REALLY HATE ME THIS MUCH???

]]> ~StyxM http://StyxM.deviantart.com/journal/25727195/ http://StyxM.deviantart.com/journal/25727195/ Sat, 04 Jul 2009 01:27:32 PDT review my vacation! I have SO many things to do!!!

I haven't revised my final paper, let alone bind it!!! Starting Monday till September I'm gonna be learning German in Goethe Institut. 5 days a week, 4 hours a day. Did I mention that it takes more than a few buses to get to Goethe Institut from my house? For Jakarta residents, FYI, my house is in Bintaro whilst Goethe Institut is in Kuningan. Also starting Monday, I'm gonna start having driving lessons. In Bintaro. And let's not forget I still have to go to gym at least 3 times a week and also sell my old stuff to make money and room for new ones!!! GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

This is absolutely crazy. Starting Monday I would have practically no free time - and it's still supposed to be my HOLIDAY!!! AAAAAARGH!!!

Oh September please come quick...

I hope you guys are having better times than me...

]]> ~StyxM http://StyxM.deviantart.com/journal/25687363/ http://StyxM.deviantart.com/journal/25687363/ Thu, 02 Jul 2009 03:25:53 PDT Wish I could have stayed there for like two weeks or something. Although, it did feel like two weeks, since we had SO many activities in one day. Come to think of it, it seems almost impossible now that we've done ALL those things in just 5 days!

I've only been back for like what, 6 hours and I miss Belitung already!!! It's so much fun there!!! There are no big cities and it's not crowded and we never faced traffic, so different from Jakarta...

I WANNA GO BACK THERE!!!!

too tired to write everything we did, but I'm planning to put it all into a short story, so just wait, okay?

]]> ~StyxM http://StyxM.deviantart.com/journal/25559851/ http://StyxM.deviantart.com/journal/25559851/ Fri, 26 Jun 2009 06:07:42 PDT
First, goodbye Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett. I'm no big fan, but I respect their reputation as a great singer, and a great actress. No offense to fans. Really. I just don't know what else to say. Everybody else's said everything I wanted to say.

Second, me and are going to Belitung tomorrow!!! So I won't be online for approx. 7 days. ^^

Okay, that is all, have a nice weekend everyone~

]]> ~StyxM http://StyxM.deviantart.com/journal/25525508/ http://StyxM.deviantart.com/journal/25525508/ Wed, 24 Jun 2009 19:46:10 PDT
Apparently though, there were a considerable amount of hypocrisy, miscommunication, selfishness, idiocy, and dishonesty involved. Unbelievable. I'm glad I got it over with, though...

One thing I learned: parents, adults, don't know everything. Most times, most of them don't even know what's really best for themselves - let alone their children. Most of them are judgmental creatures whose judgments are based on merely their own knowledge, their own experiences... just because they've lived longer and they've experienced many things, those things don't necessarily make them wise. In fact, they're pretty narrow-minded, if you ask me. God, I do not want to be one of those adults... one of those parents!

There are a lot of wise adults around, and I truly appreciate them.
But those kinds of adult... those who believe that they know everything just because they've gone through so much... I'm sorry, but you need to change. You're hurting your children, you're hurting the young minds you're teaching, the young people you're nurturing.

I don't want to generalize or anything, I'm just saying that there are grownups that act like that... and there are grownups that don't act like that.

Have a nice holiday, everyone!

]]> ~StyxM http://StyxM.deviantart.com/journal/25486937/ http://StyxM.deviantart.com/journal/25486937/ Tue, 23 Jun 2009 02:30:26 PDT ~fubumania1412 and I are supposed to go to an island called Belitung on Saturday morning, for a week. She had already promised to go with me a long time ago, and her parents had said yes to that. So, now plane tickets have been bought, hotel rooms have been reserved (and all of those are, sadly, nonrefundable), and we're supposed to be going in a few days, and guess what? ~fubumania1412's mom cancelled. She said she doesn't want her to go, for some strange reasons. I truly understand why she's doing this, but it is intolerable! My dad has put so much effort to make this trip happen, including reserving TWO hotel rooms (because my guy cousin would be coming, and of course two teenage girls can't share a room with one teenage boy and one middle-aged man) that each costs Rp450.000 a night (for 5 nights)!!! And ~fubumania1412's mother just said that "Money can always be returned." Do you think that's fair? Okay, here's a poll, please fill it in the comment, IS HER ACT TOLERABLE OR NOT? Please say yes or no in your comment. I personally think it's INTOLERABLE. Truly selfish and intolerable. She does have a reason, but the reason is, well... I'm sorry, but kind of idiotic. And very selfish. So ~fubumania1412 and I have decided that we are going to talk to her mom some time before Friday... wish us luck, okay? Because it's not just for me, it's also for my dad. He's been putting so much effort into this, and for once I am not letting his efforts go to waste!

This is a side of me most of you have never seen, but... no matter how much I hate my parents, I have compassion for them. I pity my dad! He's been dedicating his life for me, doing everything for my sake, and I've been plain cruel to him in return! He's been unappreciative to me, true, and he also still doesn't know me at all, but he deserves a little appreciation, at least! And for this once I am going to make everything right for him! I don't have much time left here, and I don't want to hurt him even more... I've done enough!

I'm going to start appreciating him after this...

And, please, wish me luck. I'm going to talk to ~fubumania1412's mom and make her understand that this is important and it's not right for her to cancel just like that...

Thanks guys! Have a nice week!

(btw, my mood now is .)

]]> ~StyxM http://StyxM.deviantart.com/journal/25482559/ http://StyxM.deviantart.com/journal/25482559/ Mon, 22 Jun 2009 20:15:40 PDT 1. Put your iTunes / Winamp on shuffle
2. Write down the first lines of the first 20 songs that plays
3. The first line of the 21st song is the title

--------

I've been so wrapped up in my warm cocoon

If you gave me just a coin for every time we say goodbye
Landlords Knocking at my door cussing me out
She's an Extraordinary girl
Like a million parachutes

Seven hours since you went away
When you call she doesn't answer
Lately I've been feeling low
That I would be good even if I did nothing

Uncle Sam taught him to shoot
I like to think I know how to look out for myself
Just when it's getting good
Man, it's a hot one

Since you've been gone I feel so much better
It's getting light outside
On a cold dark winter night
I can't breathe, I can't sleep

Got off a plane to the countryside
You're way too beautiful girl
Hey, little girl
Do you like yourself?

--------

Songs:
"I'm No Angel" by Dido, "Happy" by Natasha Bedingfield, "Extraordinary Girl" by Green Day, "A Million Parachutes" by Sixpence None The Richer, "Hole In The Head" by Sugababes, "Break Apart Her Heart" by Good Charlotte, "Face The Strange" by Good Charlotte, "That I Would Be Good" by Alanis Morissette, "Side Of A Bullet" by Nickelback, "Tricky Angel" by Natasha Bedingfield, "Afraid" by Vanessa Hudgens, "Smooth" by Santana, "Jerk" by Sita, "On The Edge" by Tokio Hotel, "Valley Of The Damned" by DragonForce, "When He's Not Around" by The Corrs, "Don't Get Lost In The Heaven (Original Demo Version)" by Gorillaz, "Beautiful Girls" by Sean Kingston, "I Wanna Be Your Boyfriend" by Ramones, "I Don't Mean Maybe" by The Faders, and "Metamorphosis" by Hilary Duff.

--------

ONCE AGAIN MY MOOD IS NOT "RELIEF"!!! BUT IT WON'T LET ME CHANGE IT!!!

]]> ~StyxM http://StyxM.deviantart.com/journal/25413866/ http://StyxM.deviantart.com/journal/25413866/ Fri, 19 Jun 2009 11:18:52 PDT

Okay, it's 1am and I just got back from prom, and you know what? Everything is okay. No, everything is better than okay, everything is almost perfect. Almost, but still...

Well, prom's over, and despite my better judgment I actually was having fun tonight! So much fun... I actually felt happy, relieved, as if I have no burden at all. I didn't care that I looked ugly compared to the other girls, who are skinny and in-shape and have their best dresses and makeups on. I might be fat, and my choice of clothing is... unique, and my makeup isn't done by a professional, but still. I looked good, I look good, and nothing will ever change that. So we were just eating, watching the performances, dancing a little, watching slideshows, talking, etc etc etc, but still... it's the last night of our togetherness! No matter how hard my life's been the past 3 years, no matter how cruel they've been to me, it's all worth it. Sort of. I become a better person and in the end, everything's just a faded memory that I will always cherish, good or bad.

Tonight I confessed to one guy I've been having a crush on, and I confessed to the guy that I've originally wanted to take to the prom (but didn't, because he already had a date). But heck, they were nice to me afterwards, so I guess I didn't lose anything.

Anyway, now I still have my prom dress, makeup, and suede boots on. I don't want to take them off just yet. I want to feel pretty just a little bit longer. I'm gonna upload one pic as my new ID on here... just gotta resize the photo first!

Anyway, congratulations to everyone else who's graduated (or graduating) and have fun to everyone else who's about to have their prom night!

(btw, my mood isn't "relief" but it won't let me change... )

]]> ~StyxM http://StyxM.deviantart.com/journal/25346209/ http://StyxM.deviantart.com/journal/25346209/ Tue, 16 Jun 2009 07:44:37 PDT I passed the national exam, I passed the national exam, I passed the national exam, I passed the national exam, I passed the national exam, I passed the national exam!

My scores weren't excellent, just satisfactory, but WHO CARES? I passed!

Events Coming Up
Graduation ceremony (06/18)
Prom night (06/19)
Holiday starts~ (06/20)
Trip to Belitung with (06/27-07/02)

To-Do List
Revise my final paper, bind it, and hand it in.
Get lots and lots and LOTS of rest and RELAX!
Sell some old stuff...
Prepare for Germany!
Start writing NEVERMORE and FOREVERMORE
Make some art for my long forgotten 50-Theme-Challenge.
Burn my diary.
Lots and lots of other things...

]]> ~StyxM http://StyxM.deviantart.com/journal/25306316/ http://StyxM.deviantart.com/journal/25306316/ Sun, 14 Jun 2009 10:00:46 PDT

I've been talking to a lot of people lately, including some of my friends, my hypnotherapist, and my uncle's cool ex-girlfriend, and they've helped me open my eyes. I've also been thinking back about my life so far... and, well, there's plenty to life than just problems, and there's way more to me than everyone sees. I'm a good person, I deserve happiness, and I definitely don't deserve to be treated like crap. Not by my parents, not by my so-called friends, not by my boyfriend. Well, I'm sorry but I'm not a doormat and I value my life, my pride, my dignity, and my happiness as much as the next person.

I finally told my boyfriend off, I told him that if he wants me, he has to fight for me. Nothing is free and relationships require sacrifices. I've made enough sacrifices - now it's his turn. The next time he breaks a promise for a non-urgent deal, I'm breaking up with him for real and I'll never speak to him again. Ever.

I still feel lonely sometimes, but guess what? I don't miss my so-called friends anymore. They're not my friend if they're leaving me without even saying goodbye. They're not my friends if they're turning their back on me without telling me the reason why. I'm a human being. I can change, I can improve, I can take criticisms. Go ahead and tell me what's wrong with me - at least I know you're being honest - don't run away and give me the silent treatment / the cold shoulder and wait for me to magically change! I'm not even sure what's wrong! Real friends are there for each other, no matter what. Real friends care, and listen. Real friends don't talk about you behind your back without telling you eventually. Real friends don't make you beg for their friendships. I don't need fake friends!!!

Helping people is the only thing that gets me through the day now. I love being online lately because my classmates always come to me for help with their final paper. It makes me feel smart, good, needed... helping people is definitely da best!!! Hahaha~

Well, I know who I am now. I am a beautiful, strong, independent, good-hearted girl with good brains and many other good qualities. I deserve happiness and I refuse to be treated like dirt.

Do you agree?

Have a great week, everyone!

]]> ~StyxM http://StyxM.deviantart.com/journal/25231053/ http://StyxM.deviantart.com/journal/25231053/ Wed, 10 Jun 2009 07:46:42 PDT

Warning: this journal contains an excessive amount of rants.

I've been so sensitive lately; the littlest things hurt me. I feel so alone; like I have no friends. I've been having real trouble falling asleep - last night I didn't fall asleep until 2am. I haven't been able to stop eating; especially comfort foods. I've been having strange allergies, causing me to cough every morning, night, and sneeze at unexpected times - I don't even know what I'm allergic of! I've promised that I would stop cutting, but the other day I carved my boyfriend's name on my right thigh, with a razor. I haven't been able to concentrate on doing my final paper. I've been craving my boyfriend's presence, but he can't be with me because he has lots of other things to do, and now I'm constantly hurting myself to hurt him, in order to get back at him. My mom's family has been bugging me, and I hate them, and I've been ignoring them - I know it's not the right thing to do, but... ARGH!!! I hate them so much!!! My dad's been so absorbed in his relationship with his girlfriend that he's been... neglecting me, in a way. Let's just say everything he does that he says is for "my own sake" right now is more for "my dominatrix of a girlfriend thinks this is good for you; I don't want her to break up with me so you better try it, maybe it'll help you... somehow." I've been going to hypnotherapy lately and it hasn't been helping much - I think it's a waste of money and time. I want to break up with my boyfriend and kick him out of my life for good just because he hasn't been able to be there for me when I need him, but it's hard... so hard... I'm pretty sure he's the one for me!

GOD!!! I JUST HATE MY LIFE SO MUCH RIGHT NOW!!!

Please... I just need a friend right now, if you have MSN or Skype or if you're a member of TeenHut.Net, please add the.river.styx@hotmail.com or the.river.styx or TheRiverStyx as your friend and just talk to me about anything, anything at all, dump all of your problems on me if you will, maybe it'll help me get out of my misery.

]]> ~StyxM http://StyxM.deviantart.com/journal/24715193/ http://StyxM.deviantart.com/journal/24715193/ Tue, 12 May 2009 05:05:07 PDT Stolen from

Centaur:
[x] You are rather wild, and let your instincts run you.
[] You get drunk a lot.
[x] Bravery and boldness is second nature to you.
[x] You have a deep love for astronomy and the universe.
[] You like to read your daily horoscope.
[] You have a high level of pride in yourself.
[x] In the woods is the best place for you to be.
[x] You are spiritual.
[x one of] The horse is your favorite animal.
[x] You are possessive and territorial.
Total: 7

Elf:
[] Your ears are slightly pointed at the tips.
[x] You are very intelligent.
[x] Your five senses are extremely keen.
[] Your weight is quite a bit lighter than the average person at your particular height.
[] You always wear elegant clothes and speak as politely as possible.
[] You are most at peace when you are gazing at something beautiful, like nature.
[] You look very young for your age.
[] You rarely get sick.
[x] You are a very hard worker.
[x] Above all other superpowers, you would love to read minds or see the future.
Total: 4

Fairy:
[] You are happy a lot of the time.
[] The best superpower to you would be to fly.
[x] You are very shy.
[x] You love the forest and plant life in general.
[x] You are always willing to help others, even if you might not be the best to offer aid.
[] You are young and short.
[] Dancing is one of your favorite pastimes.
[x] If someone ticks you off, you are very clever with getting them back.
[x] Your clothing isn't always presentable, but you are comfortable with what you wear.
[] Circles are a wonderful symbol of unity to you.
Total: 5

Gnome/Dwarf:
[] You are excellent with crafts and handiwork.
[x] In social situations, you tend to be a little awkward.
[] You are short for your age.
[] You are an isolationist.
[] You love to play practical jokes on people.
[] You are extremely fascinated with jewelry.
[] You look older than your age.
[x] You love the woods and the mountains.
[] You are well off, or come from a family that is well off.
[] You have a short temper.
Total: 2

Harpy/Siren:
[] You are best at talking bad about people behind their backs and not to their face.
[x] When you are annoyed, you will go to a great extent to torment whoever did so to you.
[] You often take things that aren't yours.
[x] You are easily angered.
[x] Death fascinates you.
[x] You are female, or a feminine-looking man.
[] You associate yourself with the wind element.
[x] You can switch quickly between your light and dark side.
[] You love to trick others.
[] You have a ravenous appetite.
Total: 5

Mermaid:
[x] You love the beach more so because of the water than the shore itself.
[] Fish are some of the most beautiful creatures to you.
[] The ultimate superpower to you would be to breathe underwater.
[] You enjoy looking at ships, but not riding them, as well as you like ships for traveling, not hunting in the sea.
[used to be] You are good at swimming.
[used to] You like to collect shells.
[] You use sea items as jewelry or decoration.
[x] You enjoy learning about the ocean and the life inside it.
[x] You are extremely against ocean pollution, and someday, perhaps, you will work to stop that.
[] Legs on land are not as important as a fin in the sea.
Total: 3

Vampire:
[x] You're a night person.
[x] You have a fascination with blood.
[x] You are pale.
[] You wish you had a bat as a pet.
[] You are not religious at all.
[x] Tight spaces are not scary or uncomfortable for you.
[x] The sun's glare annoys you all too often.
[] You hate food with lots of garlic in it.
[x] To you, a kiss on the neck is more romantic than a kiss on the cheek or lips.
[x I get psychotic thoughts] You don't like sharp objects near you.
Total: 7

Werewolf:
[x] The full moon is the most beautiful scene to you.
[x] You have a lot of body hair.
[] The ability to shapeshift is the best superpower to you.
[] You prefer gold over silver items.
[] You lack self control.
[] You find it easier to have sympathy for animals than for humans.
[] You have a deep respect for wolves and wild dogs.
[x] You like to be alone.
[x] You have a terrible secret and you only tell people you trust 100% about it.
[x] You'd rather be outdoors than indoors.
Total: 5

Wizard/Witch:
[] You love chemistry.
[x] You are intu... ]]> ~StyxM http://StyxM.deviantart.com/journal/24658842/ http://StyxM.deviantart.com/journal/24658842/ Fri, 08 May 2009 20:40:27 PDT
SecretZen is a place for people to post your secrets through pictures and words anonymously.

I can relate to some of the pictures, and I've also posted some of mine, I'm gonna upload them here, under the "scraps" category.

Go check it out! --> [link] <--

]]> ~StyxM http://StyxM.deviantart.com/journal/24395741/ http://StyxM.deviantart.com/journal/24395741/ Thu, 23 Apr 2009 14:47:32 PDT really long time to load and I just don't have time to feed my pets and/or play games to earn money anymore. I guess this means I'm automatically leaving TheSilverShadows too... well, since I haven't been much active lately anyway, I guess no one would miss me. I'm still happy to be your friends, and I'm more than happy to check out your artwork. Well, I guess I won't see you guys on FA anymore but I still have my dA.

Well, have a nice day, you guys!

]]> ~StyxM http://StyxM.deviantart.com/journal/24234498/ http://StyxM.deviantart.com/journal/24234498/ Tue, 14 Apr 2009 07:53:47 PDT
The UN (Ujian Nasional/National Exam) is in less than a friggin' week. It starts Monday, April 20th, at 8 am. I really feel like dying now. I'm just so nervous, and so scared... plus my parents' divorce and all... there are actually problems now. My mother is such a BITCH. I'm also having PMS right now, and it DOUBLES the amount of stress I already have. ARGH even my grammar's messed up now.

I'm so sorry to those who's suffered/ing because of the way I've been acting... I know I've been a jerk and you guys have rights to hate me... but please please please for this time please let me have my fun...

The only thing that's been keeping me sane right now is my boyfriend... I can't open up to other people right now, just him and him only...

Oh, wish me luck, please, I'm gonna need it...

Thank you, everyone...
And sorry, once again...

]]> ~StyxM http://StyxM.deviantart.com/journal/23723773/ http://StyxM.deviantart.com/journal/23723773/ Mon, 16 Mar 2009 05:12:22 PDT


'Cause you're everywhere to me
And when I close my eyes, it's you I see
You're everything I know that makes me believe
I'm not alone
- Everywhere, Michelle Branch

There’s nothing I can say to you,
Nothing I could ever do to make you see what you mean to me
All the pain, the tears I cried
Still you never said goodbye and now I know how far you’d go
- I Will Be, Avril Lavigne

I am moody, messy
I get restless, and it's senseless
How you never seem to care
When I'm angry, you listen
Make me happy, it's your mission
And you won't stop 'til I'm there
- Pieces Of Me, Ashlee Simpson

You're the kind of guy whose hands in mine send shivers, up and down my spine
You took my heart and put it back together again
You're the kind of guy that blows my mind
But now it's my turn
You've been right in front of me
- Ultimate, Lindsay Lohan

'Cause you know I'd walk a thousand miles
If I could just see you tonight
- A Thousand Miles, Vanessa Carlton

If I could, I'd only wanna make you smile.
If you wanna stay with me a while.
- Make You Smile, +44 Ft. Carol Heller



]]> ~StyxM http://StyxM.deviantart.com/journal/23621229/ http://StyxM.deviantart.com/journal/23621229/ Tue, 10 Mar 2009 04:46:24 PDT . I just thought I need to update this thing once in a while... I don't vent here anymore because I have a blog now --> [link] . So I guess I'm just gonna do this kind of things...

=-Loser-=-
[] you don't have very many friends.
[x because my nickname and birth name are very different] Often times, teachers forget your name.
[x] You were always picked last for kickball.
[x] You don't like to talk a lot.
[x] You tend to avoid mass social activities
[x not anymore] you don't participate in any extracurricular activities.
[] All you wish for is to move away or get a fresh start.
[x] Your friends have blown you off before.
[x] You sit alone in most of your classes.
[] You have a feeling that once you leave high school or college, nobody is going to remember you.
[x] You hold interest in activities that other people find strange.
[] You have a large sexual background.
[] People don't find you friendly.
[] You hold extreme hate towards another high school stereotype.
[] You eat alone at lunch.
Total = 8/15

-=-Party Girl/Boy-=-
[] Lets face it: you like to party
[] you party every other weekend.
[] or every weekend?
[] You've been going to frat house parties since early high school.
[] You're the defending beer bong champion.
[] You know the best hook-ups in the state...world
[] Everybody who's anybody goes to the same parties you go to.
[] You've hooked up at parties.
[] You spend time getting ready for parties.
[] You've passed out from being too drunk.
[] You've partied all night.
[] You've snuck out of the house to party.
[x] Actually, your parents really don't care if you party or not.
[x] You're pretty much nocturnal.
[] You like to go clubbing.
[] You and your friends always party hop
[] you’ve crashed a party before.
[] One way or another, you've wound up naked in front of everybody at a party
[] you’ve thrown up from drinking too much.
[x wore a really ugly outfit] You've done something that you regret at a party.
[] You can dance.
[x] You're friends with a lot of people older than you.
Total = 4/22

-=-Scene Kid-=
[] you know what sXe and hXc actually mean.
[] You have an obsession with dinosaurs, robots, and Pokémon.
[] You idolize Jeffree Starr.
[] People have called you scene before.
[] You spend at least an hour getting ready to take pictures of yourself for your MySpace.
[x] You have a mirror pic.
[x] You listen to bands that most people have never heard of.
[x] You enjoy going to shows.
[] You only go to shows for the sake of going to shows, not the music.
[] Your hair is multicolored.
[] You accessorize your hair with kiddy barrettes and bows.
[] Fashion is one of the most important things that define you.
[] You mosh.
[x] You often mix vintage with modern.
[] Your MySpace picture captions are sad lyrics to sad songs.
[] All of your friends are scene.
[x] You don't know many of the people on your friends list in person.
[x] You take angled pictures of yourself.
[x] You enjoy photography.
Total = 7/19

-=--=-Prep-=--=-
[] you pop the collar
[] you won't go near the Goths
[x just one, honestly!] you own at least one thing from a designer store.
[] You are very clean cut.
[] You are squeamish.
[] People have called you preppy before.
[] You never leave the house without putting on cologne/perfume.
[] You have a lot of money.
[] You know who LC is.
[] You watch shows like The OC, The Real World, The Hills, and Laguna Beach.
[] Your favorite stores are Abercrombie & Fitch or American Eagle Outfitters
[] you’re afraid to set foot into Hot Topic.
[] You carry a purse wherever you go.
[] You need to wake up at least an hour before school so you can get ready.
[] You do not leave the house without make up.
[] You are content overall with how your life is going.
Total= 1/16

-=--=-Band Geek-=--=-
[x] you have played an instrument before.
[] You still play an instrument.
[] You are/were in regular Band.
[] You are/were in Jazz Band.
[] You are/were in Marching Band
[] Most of your friends are in band.
[] The band room/band hall is your second home.
[] You enjoy listening to classical music on occasion.
[] You aspire to be a Drum Major.
[] You've made out with somebody on a band bu... ]]> ~StyxM http://StyxM.deviantart.com/journal/23319224/ http://StyxM.deviantart.com/journal/23319224/ Sat, 21 Feb 2009 07:12:52 PST , who was tagged by , who was tagged by I dunno who...

RULES:
1. Answer the following questions and post it in your journal.
2. Tag who you want!
3. Post "You've been tagged, Read the rules in my journal entry" in the comment.

P E R S O N A L

Real Name: Ashley Carnadie
Nickname: Ashley, Ash, Shley, Sashley, Eshli, Asli, Ashes, etc.
DeviantART Name: ~StyxM
Country: Indonesia!
Gender: Female

F A V O R I T E S

Color: Black.
Food: I don't really have favorites...
Drinks: Mineral water... and coffee!
Movie at the moment (1 only): The Sound Of Music.
Song at the moment (1 only): "Breathe" by Michelle Branch.
TV Channel (1 only): StarWorld.
Book: "The Host" - Stephenie Meyer.
Ice Cream flavor: Chocolate.

V E R S U S

- What do you like most?

Sweet or Spicy?: Sweet.
White chocolate or dark chocolate?: Dark!
School or Mall?: I don't really like either, but if I had to choose I'd choose the mall.
Desktop Computer or Laptop?: Laptop.
Ice Cream or Cake?: Ice cream. Definitely.
Anime or Cartoons?: Depends...
PSP or PS2?: Neither. I don't play video games.
Sony or Panasonic?: Don't really care.
RnB or POP?: Pop. I hate R&B!

D E V I A N T A R T

What... ]]> ~StyxM http://StyxM.deviantart.com/journal/23210728/ http://StyxM.deviantart.com/journal/23210728/ Sun, 15 Feb 2009 18:28:27 PST

Here's the list of my deviations that I personally think should be scrapped:
- Realistic In Romance [link]
- Victims Of Fate [link]
- Freaky... [link]
- Wished For This [link]
- Suicide Countdown [link]
- Hello Baby Mochi [link]
- Small Girl, Huge Camera [link]
- Hanuman [link]

]]> ~StyxM http://StyxM.deviantart.com/journal/23095356/ http://StyxM.deviantart.com/journal/23095356/ Mon, 09 Feb 2009 03:01:11 PST Enjoy, everybody~

Q: Type in "[your name] needs" in the Google search.
A: Ashley needs to keep wearing stuff like this. The more skin she shows, the better she looks. And she should try and get Mary_kate to dress like this two. (Owh. Mary-Kate & Ashley Olsen. Right.)

Q: Type in "[your name] looks like" in Google search.
A: Ashley looks like a mermaid, a stripper mermaid that is picture published by lovelyrunner4. ()

Q: Type in "[your name] says" in Google search.
A: Ashley says Newcastle no longer for sale. (wth?)

Q: Type in "[your name] wants" in Google search.
A: Mary-Kate Olsen: Ashley Wants Marriage and Children, Not Me. (Again, Mary-Kate & Ashley Olsen.)

Q:Type in "[your name] does" in Google search.
A: Ashley does Helena Video from Videos uploaded by withtheangels on Mefeedia.com. (No comment.)

Q: Type in "[your name] hates" in Google search.
A: Ashley hates bananas and coffee. (SO WRONG!!!)

Q: Type in "[your name] asks" in Google search.
A: Ashley asks Dubai investors for Pounds 481m for Newcastle sale from Independent, The (London) in News provided free by Find Articles.

Q: Type in "[your name] likes " in Google search.
A: Ashley likes her character in Picture This as Mandy. (Ashley Tisdale... riiight...)

Q: Type in "[your name] eats " in Google search.
A: Ashley eats shit! by Hero of the Day. (DAMN! There's a song called "Ashley Eats Shit!"? )

Q: Type in "[your name] wears " in Google search.
A: Ashley Wears the Turban (sort of). (Haha okay )

Q: Type in "[your name] was arrested for" in Google Search.
A: As a teen, Ashley was arrested for shoplifting and put on probation. (Noooes )

Q: Type in "[your name] loves" in Google Search.
A: ashley loves you! (Umm, not so much. )

]]> ~StyxM http://StyxM.deviantart.com/journal/22794706/ http://StyxM.deviantart.com/journal/22794706/ Sun, 25 Jan 2009 02:35:43 PST do want to be with, are never around! I need a vacation, I need to have fun without being bugged by anyone.

Kill me.

Now.



]]> ~StyxM http://StyxM.deviantart.com/journal/22727458/ http://StyxM.deviantart.com/journal/22727458/ Thu, 22 Jan 2009 07:00:50 PST More than 20 = Uke

1. [ ] You like to be content in everything.
2. [ ] When a person confesses his/her love to you and you don’t like him/her, you start feeling very tense and/or you don’t know what to say.
3. [ ] You enjoy listening to smooth and relaxing music.
4. [ ] You are quite hyperactive.
5. [ ] If you don’t like something, you start crying and you don’t care if you start talking too loud.
6. [ ] You love candies or any type of caramel.
7. [ ] You like making others blush.
8. [x] You sleep with a doll/teddy bear/pillow in your hand.
9. [ ] You’re usually shy with the opposite sex.
10. [x] You like romantic, funny anime.
11. [ ] Between L or Light cosplay, you prefer L.
12. [ ] You have listened “an café."
13. [ ] You like listening to it (the above band).
14. [ ] You have 1 or 2 song on your computer of “an café."
15. [ ] You are innocent and a little clumsy.
16. [x] You smile at kitties.
17. [x] You usually say "kawaii."
18. [ ] You like plushies.
19. [ ] Between light blue and blue, you prefer light blue.
20. [x] You hate Paris Hilton because she is an idiot.
21. [ ] You have been lost in a shopping center/parking/cinema.
22. [ ] You have called to the mistaken number twice or more.
23. [ ] You cried with Pocahontas's ending.
24. [ ] You have used a very feminine dress or shirt.
25. [x] You call your pets with cute names.
26. [ ] You believe that yaoi/yuri is the best.
27. [ ] You're easy to trick/convince.
28. [ ] Some men scare you.
29. [ ] You have seen Pucca and you like it.
30. [ ] You have pink/red clothes or they are decorated with flowers.
31. [ ] Sometimes you start looking at the clouds and you get lost in space.
32. [ ] You’ve said “Kyao” or something like that before.
33. [x] When a person of your same sex gets angry with you, you’re at the defensive.
34. [x] You like j-pop.
35. [x] You have cried for more than one movie/TV series.
36. [ ] You watched Gravitation, and you felt like Shuichi/you watched Strawberry Panic, and you felt like Nagisa.
37. [x] You smile with no reason.
38. [ ] You usually are very positive.
39. [ ] When there’s a rainbow, you run out to see it.
40. [ ] You usually don’t understand what your parents say.

]]> ~StyxM http://StyxM.deviantart.com/journal/22516377/ http://StyxM.deviantart.com/journal/22516377/ Sun, 11 Jan 2009 00:02:37 PST I can earn more than twice as much that amount a month, if I try! And I will try! Why does my dad has to be such a jerk about it! I don't spend their money on clothes, or makeup, or jewelry, or other stupid things! He knows I'm into this kind of thing! I'm just so angry at him right now! ARGH! I hope I can show him that I didn't waste money by joining. It's for a good cause, right?

Right.

Okay. Enough venting. I'm calm now.

Have a good week, everybody!

]]> ~StyxM http://StyxM.deviantart.com/journal/22408230/ http://StyxM.deviantart.com/journal/22408230/ Mon, 05 Jan 2009 05:46:43 PST

Rules:
Go to urbandictionary.com and type in your answers to the following questions.
Post the first definition it gives you.
Tag 3 people.

1.) Your name?
Ashley

a bad ass motherfucker who who won't take no shit off of nobody.

2.) Your age?
17

The right age to start having sex, according to Chef on South Park.

3.) One of your friends?
Mischa

A Russian name for Mike or Michael. Pronounced Meesha. Defined on "Babynames" as "who is like God". A fantastic name for your children.

4.) What should you be doing?
Showering.

To shower. Code for male masturbation and blowin giz all over the place.

5.) Favorite color?
Black

1.Darkness, a dark colour, the colour of this text is black.

2.A race - The black race can range from African american to polynesian.

6.) Birthplace?
Jakarta

Definately coolest place in Asia, you can buy anything, drink anything, eat anything, and dance to anything in JKT. Going there? Walk around anywhere. Best time ever. Try not to get robbed.

7.) Month of your birth?
December

The month in which the hottest women are born.

8.) Last person you talked to?
Mikey

A person (usually a man) that denies his sexual and pornographic tendencies and pretends to be a person of impeccable morality.

9.) One of your nicknames?
Ashes

the cricket competion between england and australia which has been going on for many years. First started when one of the team burnt the bails, and now is one of the biggest contests in test cricket.

LOL!

I tag anyone who wants to do this...

]]> ~StyxM http://StyxM.deviantart.com/journal/22340504/ http://StyxM.deviantart.com/journal/22340504/ Thu, 01 Jan 2009 19:20:48 PST


NERD QUIZ (stolen from )


ANIME/MANGA NERD

[x] You watch(ed) anime.
[x] You read manga.
[x] You buy/collect anime DVDs or manga volumes
[x] You own some other form of anime/manga merchandise.
[x] You have referred to an anime character as 'hot' before.
[ ] You have cosplayed.
[ ] You have done so in public.
[ ] You have been to an anime/manga convention.
[ ] You have created/joined a fanclub for an anime/manga character.
[ ] You have created/joined a hateclub for an anime/manga character.
[ ] You have squealed when you found out somebody had the same name as an anime character you knew.
[x] You enjoy(ed) drawing anime.
[ ] People you know know you as the 'anime' person.
[x] You know that it is pronounced 'mawnguh' and not 'manga' like it is spelled.

Anime/manga nerd = 7

ART NERD

[x] You like art.
[x] You actually consider yourself an artist.
[ ] When using art supplies, the brand of them matters to you.
[ ] You have a favorite brand.
[x] You have asked for art supplies as a Christmas/birthday gift before.
[x sometimes] You give people your drawings as gifts.
[] People actually ask for your drawings.
[] You are/were known as 'the art person' at your school.
[x] Instead of just 'brown' or ' pink', you'd be specific; it's 'sienna brown' or 'blush pink'.
[x] You have taken an art class outside of school.
[x] You have considered a career as an artist.
[x] Your school papers are always covered in doodles.
[ ] You have a favorite artist.
[ ] Your drawings have been framed.
[ ] You carry a sketchbook with you everywhere you go.

Art nerd = 8

MUSICAL NERD

[ ] You play a musical instrument.
[ ] You play(ed) more than one instrument.
[ ] You actually really enjoy playing your instrument.
[ ] You've given your instrument a name.
[ ] You've participated in an extracurricular activity for your instrument.
[ ] You are known by what you play.
[ ] You listen to classical music.
[ ] You are wondering whether that refers to the classical music genre or the classical music time period.
[ ] You have a favorite composer.
[ ] All of your friends are from your band/orchestra class.
[ ] You write music.
[x] You've had discussions with your friends about music; your favorite composers/instruments/musical time periods/key/etc...
[ ] You have considered a professional career with your instrument.
[ ] You are never nervous playing for other people.

Musical nerd = 1 (I don't play any instruments, I sing )

VIDEO GAME NERD

[ ] You play video games.
[ ] You own more than 4 different video game systems.
[ ] You've had debates over which system is the greatest.
[ ] You play video games every day.
[ ] You have played a video game for over 10 hours.
[ ] You have songs from your favorite video games on your MP3.
[ ] You love to talk about video games.
[ ] You memorize the dates for when a new game is being released.
[ ] People know you as the 'gamer' person.
[ ] You spend more time on video games than you do hanging out with friends.
[ ] Your gaming system is in your room.
[ ] You have preferences when it comes to what company your game came from.
[ ] You've had debates over which company is the best.
[ ] You keep playing a game until you beat it.
[ ] It makes you angry when you found out somebody looked up cheat codes on the internet to beat their game.

Video game nerd = 0 (I don't play video games, just computer games )

COMPUTER NERD

[x] You use the computer every day.
[x] You have an account/username on some sort of social website.
[x] You go into random internet chatrooms.
[x] You spend at least 2 hours a day on the computer.
[x] You use computer faces.
[ ] It is hard to go a day without using the computer.
[x] You spend time in online forums.
[ ] In the forum/chatroom you use, you are known there by... ]]> ~StyxM http://StyxM.deviantart.com/journal/22269287/ http://StyxM.deviantart.com/journal/22269287/ Mon, 29 Dec 2008 21:16:27 PST [link]

Thank you!!! Happy new year everybody!!!

]]> ~StyxM http://StyxM.deviantart.com/journal/22175920/ http://StyxM.deviantart.com/journal/22175920/ Wed, 24 Dec 2008 20:39:28 PST




Merry Christmas to those who celebrate it, and a happy new year to come to you all...




P.S. Remember my last journal? Well, forget it. Cos I'm feeling a lot better now, and I hope this feeling doesn't go away soon!



http://StyxM.deviantart.com/journal/22134170/ Tue, 23 Dec 2008 05:30:25 PST
Low Self-Esteem
My self-esteem has been extremely low lately. I've been really pessimistic - more pessimistic than usual - and paranoid. I can't think of any good thing about myself. I have no confidence at all. I hate my own face, I hate my own voice, I hate my own body, I hate my own hair, I hate everything about me. I feel sorry for myself all the time, but then I feel bad for feeling sorry for myself, when there are a lot of people out there who's got it far worse than me. I feel absolutely unworthy and I want to die. I want to be erased from the face of the Earth. Part of me blames those insensitive, cruel creatures I'm reluctant to call parents, but a bigger part of me blames myself. I HATE MY LIFE!

Physical Appearance
Again with the subject! I'm bored, too, but... well... it just occupies my mind. I hate my looks! I am so ugly! I wonder why mirrors don't crack at the sight of my face. I'd go under the knife if I could, but I don't have enough money. How much does a liposuction normally cost, anyway? God I want to tear myself apart - literally! I'm totally fat, I'm shorter than everybody else, my hair is broken, my upper lip is far thinner than my lower lip, my nose is flat, my cheeks are chubby, I have triple chin, my eyebrows are bushy, my eyes are far too small for my face, my teeth are crooked, I have acne problem, I'm very hairy, my upper arms and thighs are really, really, really fat, my fingers are stubby and deformed, I have big bones, my shoulder and my hip are far too wide for good proportion, my legs are damn huge, my feet are too small, my skin tone is uneven... in other words, NOTHING about my appearance is good!!!!!!!!!!

Graduation
I'm in the 12th grade now. 12th grade. That means I'm graduating next year (if I pass the national exam - AMEN)!!! And... since I'm planning to go to a Studienkolleg in Germany... I might have to go to Germany in August, to start my language course. That's actually around 4 months sooner than I expected, but it's the safest choice for me, apparently... and I'm scared. Really scared. I can't wait to leave this country and my past behind, but still... it's a freaking whole new country in front of me. I'm really scared.

School
I've finished every one of my graduation requirements... except one: FINAL PAPER. I don't know how to get started with it, I'm confused... and I'm no good at writing in passive voice, and my mentor is just... UGH! As a person, she's okay, but as a teacher she sucks! She used to be nice and fun and all, but now... oh God. She wants me to get started with it myself, and come to her only for reviews and such. I HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO GET STARTED WITH IT!!!

What the hell am I doing?! It's the holidays, right? I'm supposed to be having fun, right? Well... don't worry about me, people... just have fun. Enjoy your holiday. I wish you all a merry Christmas and a happy new year... and I wish you all would never have to suffer like me...

]]> ~StyxM http://StyxM.deviantart.com/journal/21892354/ http://StyxM.deviantart.com/journal/21892354/ Tue, 09 Dec 2008 02:52:02 PST

Have a nice week, everybody!

]]> ~StyxM http://StyxM.deviantart.com/journal/21856596/ http://StyxM.deviantart.com/journal/21856596/ Sat, 06 Dec 2008 23:08:32 PST ), I was forced to spend today and tomorrow with my mom's side of the family. Which means, I'd be stuck in hell for approximately 48 hours.

My mom's side of the family is so freaking annoying! They're too conventional for my taste. They've been telling me who and what I should be since the day I was born, and since I refuse to be the way they want me to, they won't stop commenting and judging me for the littlest things I do.

So far, these are the things that they've said about me:

"Antisocial." "Arrogant." "Thinks she's better than all this. Than all of us." "Thinks her friends would be able to save her sorry ass." "Ungrateful." "Know-it-all." "Disrespectful." "God, save this child." "Rude." "Self-centered." "Hypocrite." "Out of control." "Obnoxious." "Childish." "Got her head up in the clouds." "Tactless." "Doesn't know anything." "Trapped in her own little world." "Had it far too easy in life." "A spoiled brat."

Yeah, well, thanks a lot. I don't give a damn anymore. Go fuck yourselves!!!



]]> ~StyxM http://StyxM.deviantart.com/journal/21841023/ http://StyxM.deviantart.com/journal/21841023/ Sat, 06 Dec 2008 01:11:59 PST
1. I love you and I'm missing you like crazy!

2. I miss hanging out with you outside of school.

3. If you've got a problem with me, why don't you just say it?

4. Why are you being nice to me, all of the sudden?

5. I can't wait to meet you in person!

6. It's just a few more months, we can survive this!

7. Honestly, I don't hate you.

8. You got me into trouble - like HELL I'm gonna lend you my Breaking Dawn!!!

9. You don't know me, so don't you dare think you do.

10. You're coming to my grandma's house on Christmas, no excuses.


[ NINE things about yourself: ]

1. Ashley Carnadie is not my real name, but it will be... soon.

2. Everything that I really want right now is nothing anybody but God can give me.

3. I'm through with labels. People can label me all they want, I don't really care anymore.

4. I honestly don't think that my talent in writing is all that special.

5. I often think that I was born at a wrong place, in a wrong time, to the wrong people.

6. More than anything else, I long for freedom and independence.

7. I always try not to hurt other people, and I avoid getting hurt by other people. I'm the only person who's allowed to hurt me.

8. I can't live without music.

9. I don't want to get married. Ever. Except on one condition... which I am not telling in this journal.


[ EIGHT ways to win your heart: ]

1. Be yourself. Don't try to be cool or "normal", because with me, the weirder the better.

2. Don't ask too many questions. Just listen when I need you to.

3. Be comfortable with silence, don't keep trying to strike up a conversation.

4. Don't treat me like just any other girl.

5. Compromise, don't be too domineering or too timid.

6. Like me the way I am, don't try to change me (except for my bad habits).

7. Respect my idealism.

8. Be sensitive towards my feelings.


[ SEVEN things that cross your mind a lot: ]

1. I need to lose weight.

2. Why am I here? Why am I me? How did everything turn out like this?

3. Please, God, I know you don't hate me that much.

4. I love Mikey.

5. Wow, I'm smart.

6. Ugh. I'm not so smart after all.

7. Oh how I wish I was her...


[ SIX things you couldn't live without: ]

1. My best friends.

2. Music.

3. Books.

4. My brain.

5. Air.

6. Mikey.


[ FIVE turn OFFS: ]

1. Loud, arrogant, and obnoxious attitude.

2. Insensitive towards others' feelings.

3. Ignorant towards animals and the environment.

4. Discriminative attitude.

5. Being judgmental.


[ FOUR turn ONS: ]

1. Similar interests and characteristics.

2. Smarts.

3. Weird and not afraid to show it.

4. Tolerant.


[ THREE smileys that describe your life: ]

1.

2.

3.


[ TWO things you want to do before you die: ]

1. Publish at least one of my novels.

2. Go on a vacation to Greec... ]]> ~StyxM http://StyxM.deviantart.com/journal/21825756/ http://StyxM.deviantart.com/journal/21825756/ Fri, 05 Dec 2008 03:32:07 PST
It was the first time that I actually liked what I saw, in the past few weeks. I mean... for once, I actually looked... good. Well, at least not as ugly as usual. I was still fat, of course, there's no denying that. I also still had that unibrow, and that moustache, and those black circles around my eyes, and that acne problem, but still... I didn't look too bad. And I was glad.

I know, I know... it's shallow and silly to care about how you look, but well... honestly I do. I just try not to, because I'm not much of a looker anyway. The mirror has been one of my most hated enemies for years. It shows how everyone else's better than me... on the outside. For the past few weeks, I'd been wanting to break every mirror I'd looked into. I really hated my face. I wanted to pick up a razor and run it all over my face. Maybe it'll look better after I'm done with it. But of course... I couldn't do that. So I just hated my own face.

Then I saw my face today, and... what the hell> Since when did I look this good? It was a nice feeling... knowing that I actually look okay, for once in my life. I have no idea how my friends and family stand it, seeing my hideous face everyday. Ugh.

I hope this feeling would stay for a while, because I really need it...

Okay, that's all I guess! Have a nice weekend, everyone!

]]> ~StyxM http://StyxM.deviantart.com/journal/21675256/ http://StyxM.deviantart.com/journal/21675256/ Wed, 26 Nov 2008 05:34:51 PST
... when her relationship gets dull?

... when her life is full of other people's problems?

... when the guy she wants to go to prom with is already taken?

... when her life is occupied by useless school stuff?

... when the one thing that makes her special is taken away from her?

... when she just wants to have fun?



No complains here, people. I'm really asking for the answers to this questions. I'm through with complaining about life. I want to stop talking and start doing something instead. I just need to know WHAT to do.

]]> ~StyxM http://StyxM.deviantart.com/journal/21591691/ http://StyxM.deviantart.com/journal/21591691/ Fri, 21 Nov 2008 02:56:59 PST [ ] You love to shop
[ ] You wear eyeliner
[ ] You consider cheerleading a sport
[ ] You hate wearing the colour black
[ ] You like going to the mall
[ ] You like getting manicures and/or pedicures
[ ] You like wearing jewelry
[ ] You cried watching The Notebook
[ ] Skirts are a big parts of your wardrobe
[ ] Shopping is one of your favorite hobbies
[ ] You don't like the movie Star Wars
[ ] You are/were in gymnastics
[ ] It takes you around an hour or longer to shower and get dressed
[ ] You smile a lot more than you should
[ ] You have 10 or more pairs of shoes
[x] You care about what you look like
[ ] You like wearing dresses when you can
[ ] You wear body spray/perfume
[x] You constantly say "like"
[ ] You like high heel shoes
[x] You used to play with dolls as a kid
[ ] You like putting makeup on others
[ ] You like being the star of almost everything
[ ] Pink is one of your favorite colors

TOTAL= 3

YOUR GUY SIDE:
[x] You wear hoodies
[x] You wear jeans
[ ] Dogs are better then cats
[x] It's hilarious when (other) people get hurt
[ ] You've played with/against boys on a team
[x] Shopping is torture
[ ] Sad movies suck
[ ] You own an XBOX 360/PS2/3
[ ] You own/owned a DS or Sega
[ ] Played with Hot Wheels as a little kid
[ ] At some point in life you wanted to be a firefighter
[x] You used to be obsessed with Power Rangers.
[ ] You watch sports on TV
[x] Gory movies are cool
[x] You go to your dad for advice
[x] You own like a trillion baseball hats
[ ] You used to/do collect sports collector cards
[ ] Baggy sweatpants are cool to wear
[x] It's kind of weird to have sleepovers with a bunch of people
[x] Green, black, red, blue, or silver are one of your favorite colors
[x] You love to go crazy and not care what other people think
[ ] You play sports
[x] You talk with food in your mouth
[ ] You sleep at night with your socks on
[x] You have fished at least once

TOTAL= 13

]]> ~StyxM http://StyxM.deviantart.com/journal/21363585/ http://StyxM.deviantart.com/journal/21363585/ Thu, 06 Nov 2008 19:29:09 PST
Just because I WANT him to be around 24/7, doesn't mean he HAS to be.

Just because I feel lonely when he's not around, doesn't mean that I have to keep calling his name in my head.

I don't NEED him in order to live.

I don't NEED him in order to survive.

A few days without him would be just fine to me.




This is what's called being realistic in love... >_<

Sorry for spamming your inbox, people! Have a nice weekend!

]]> ~StyxM http://StyxM.deviantart.com/journal/21293799/ http://StyxM.deviantart.com/journal/21293799/ Mon, 03 Nov 2008 03:03:03 PST
I've noticed that I act in several different ways when I'm depressed. Sometimes, I become very antisocial, constantly craving some alone time and and keeping distance from other people. Sometimes, I become very quiet - during these times, I'll try to be invisible by blending in with the crowd without complaining. Sometimes, I become extremely talkative and annoying, insensitive towards other people's feelings, totally arrogant, and stubborn. Sometimes, I become very needy and clingy, afraid to be left alone and constantly craving my friends' presence. This time, though... I crave physical affection. It's very strange for me, because I never liked being touched in any way. I never really minded having to touch people (hug, hold someone's hand, put my arm around someone's shoulder), but I hated it when people do that to me. But now... I wish I had someone that I could curl up to, someone who would hold me tight until I feel better, someone who understands...

I loathe myself for being so needy! I've always praised my independence, my inability to get neither emotionally nor physically attached to other people. I've always been the person outside looking in, which gave me no chance of doing such a thing anyway. Now that I've learned to trust, to rely on someone other than myself, to let other people in... I couldn't let go. Not anymore. Now, of all times, I begin feeling scared of being left alone.

I feel lost, stranded in a strange island with a broken cell phone and a really good book. The locals speak a different language, and their technology is far different from mine... one or two people got curious, but the others forced them back. There was no one to listen to my vents, to sympathize with me. Nobody even bothered to tell me that they hate me or anything! What jerks.

Something aches really bad - I just don't know what it is. Invisible wounds are the worst! You can't see them, you can't touch them, you can cry but no one would understand why, and there's no medicine that can cure them... only time will tell if it can be cured or not. This is why I cut, basically, to create a physical evidence of the unexplainable pain I feel inside.

I wonder why I'm craving physical affection... I never needed it for almost 17 years of my life. My parents never got bored of telling me how I never liked being touched, hugged, caressed... even as a toddler. I have to admit that my personal bubble is very wide and I keep my distance from other people, except from those who are close to me. There's no one who can fulfill this craving... and I don't know whether that's good or bad. I just hope that it'll pass soon, because it isn't exactly convenient for me...

I hope all these clouds of misery would go away soon... they're draining everybody's energy out!

Have a nice week, everybody... get over that Monday blues already!

]]> ~StyxM http://StyxM.deviantart.com/journal/21242400/ http://StyxM.deviantart.com/journal/21242400/ Fri, 31 Oct 2008 04:00:33 PDT
I haven't been feeling well today, and I just got a really bad news and I feel like fainting... (even though I never fainted before so I don't know how it feels.)

Oh, and I'm gonna be really busy this weekend... with my German lesson and this European education fair and yearbook committee meeting and visiting my grandfather's house and doing my citizenship homework...

God. I need some rest.

Have a nice weekend, everybody!

]]> ~StyxM http://StyxM.deviantart.com/journal/21164832/ http://StyxM.deviantart.com/journal/21164832/ Sun, 26 Oct 2008 02:20:52 PDT

Anyway... it's difficult to be a perfectionist, when you are the exact opposite of perfection yourself. It's hard to let yourself loose, when there's a cold voice in your head that keeps calling you "Stupid!" or "Dumbass!" or "Shithead!". It's not easy to move on, when your brain won't let you forget the embarrassing things you've said or done. It feels wrong to speak up, when you know just too well that nobody wants to listen. It's scary to admit that you're wrong, when you realize that there would be another punishment to come. It's not easy to be yourself, when other people prefer the person they think you are instead of the real you. It's so simple to be afraid, when you know who you are.

Anyway... I don't know what else to do about my life. I'm happy, and yet I hate everything around me. It's like nothing goes right. It hurts to want everything and nothing at the same time...

I'm absolutely sick of worrying, wondering, asking, wishing, wanting, dreaming, craving, regretting, losing, caring, and feeling in general. I wonder if I could have an accident and go into a coma for a while... ARGH!

I just wanna scream and lose control... throw my hands up, and let it go... I just wanna fall and lose myself, laughing so hard, it hurts like hell... forget about everything and runaway!

Well, that's all for now I guess. I hope all of you are having a better time than I am!

]]> ~StyxM http://StyxM.deviantart.com/journal/21144394/ http://StyxM.deviantart.com/journal/21144394/ Fri, 24 Oct 2008 17:52:12 PDT

Life is sickening me. I don't know who else I can trust, beside my best friends. I wish I could get this all over with... anything I've said or done wrongly, as little as it may be, would be used against me. I'd have to act perfect all the time, otherwise they'd rip me up to pieces. I can't believe how abusive, judgmental, arrogant, and shallow teenagers can get! I am so tired of this.

Remember what I wrote about in my last journal? The boyfriend thing? Well... I finally settled on telling the "truth" to some of those nosy kids, so now basically my class is divided into People Who Either Don't Know or Don't Care that I Have a Boyfriend; People Who Believe that I Have a Boyfriend Without Suspecting a Thing; People Who Finally Believe that I Have a Boyfriend but Think that I'm Some Kind of a Psycho-Freak; People Who Still Doubts the Fact that I Have a Boyfriend; and People Who Finally Believe that I Have a Boyfriend and are Totally Supportive to Me about It. Personally, I really like the first, second, and last group. (Of course.)

Honestly, I think this is one of the very basic reasons of all this antipathy towards me. I can totally understand it, but like I've said before - can't they just mind their own businesses and leave other people alone? I am absolutely SICK!

You know what? High school sucks. Especially when you go to a school like mine. Whew. I feel pretty good now that I've written this down.

Have a nice weekend, everyone...

]]> ~StyxM http://StyxM.deviantart.com/journal/21089764/ http://StyxM.deviantart.com/journal/21089764/ Tue, 21 Oct 2008 04:20:59 PDT

What if, after 16 years and 9 months being single, you finally have a boyfriend and you're totally in love with him? What if, your boyfriend and his siblings have a huge secret, which will get them locked in a padded cell if it got out? What if that secret requires you and your boyfriend to protect your boyfriend's identity? What if, caught up in the moment, you and your boyfriend went public about your relationship, and your classmates, who don't know your boyfriend, got really really nosy and keep asking you questions that you have to answer with lies, all in the effort of protecting your boyfriend?

Complicated, isn't it? Well... that's the problem I'm facing right now. And I don't know what to do... I wish these kids would just stop bugging me, I mean, this is none of their business! They shouldn't care who my boyfriend is, how he looks like, where he lives, where he goes to school... my best friends never asked much about him, but these kids do! Just because they're popular, they think they can rule other people's lives too...

And then... the principal sent an e-mail to my father, saying that she wants to meet him. I don't know what kind of trouble I've gotten into this time. I did have some trouble with a few teachers, but it was before the holiday and it was weeks ago! Is it still a problem now? My homeroom teacher isn't online on Facebook, and I can't reach her. I need to know what this is about! I am not getting into a trouble without knowing the reason for it!

Just when I thought my life was getting better, it's turning upside-down again. This is very tiring, I have to say... I wish all of this would end soon. Until then, I'm keeping a low profile and I'm just gonna do what I have to do...

Have a nice week, everybody!

]]> ~StyxM